.::XHF NETWORK AND CAR PRESENT: ROAD TO END OF DAYS::.
Oct 17, 2021 22:10:03 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 2 more like this
Post by Dylan on Oct 17, 2021 22:10:03 GMT -5
Competitive Automotive Racing, in conjunction with The XHF Network, Proudly Presents: ROAD TO END OF DAYS
Date: October 17, 2021
Kings Mountain National Military Park, Kings Mountain, South Carolina
Attendance: 1000 (Masks required)
The Battle of Kings Mountain was a military engagement between Patriot and Loyalist militias in South Carolina during the Southern Campaign of the American Revolutionary War, resulting in a decisive victory for the Patriots. The battle took place on October 7, 1780, 9 miles (14 km) south of the present-day town of Kings Mountain, North Carolina. In what is now rural Cherokee County, South Carolina, the Patriot militia defeated the Loyalist militia commanded by British Major Patrick Ferguson of the 71st Foot. The battle has been described as "the war's largest all-American fight".
Theme Song: Don't Back Down by Mammoth WVH
Hawke: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the XHF! Welcome to King's Mountain, South Carolina! Welcome to THE ROAD TO END OF DAYS!
Randy: We're in for a dangerous night of race cars, race bikes, and wrestling!
Hawke: Five matches of the most insane variety await us! We have bounce houses, ghost peppers, the high ground-
Randy: IT;S OVER JOEY! I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND! DON'T TRY THIS!
Hawke: ...anyway, oil and feathers and cannonballs await! We're kicking things off with a tag title match!
Randy: Let's see those brackets!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is for one fall and is a semi-final round in the XHF End of Days Annihilator Tag Team Tournament! Introducing first, weighing in tonight at a combined 345 pounds, they have been revered in XHF REKOTA - Cross Recoba and Dakota Jennings!
A static noise plays from the speakers spread out through King’s Mountain Park and the audience perks up. The static changes to the muted bass notes and snare drum for Royal Blood’s Out of the Black. The music plays like a whisper through the park before the sound of blades rotating hum faintly into the fans' ears. Pulsing louder by the second. The XtremeTron projector screen lights up with the blades of a helicopter as a falling sun paints the horizon. The camera follows the chopper until the video becomes blurry.
Hawke: Cross Recoba has a pep in his step tonight. With their last victory over SKY Force things advance personally and professionally for ReKoba.
Randy: Everyone wants to be King of the Hill.
Hawke: Or queen. High Grounds presents a unique setup. Every corner of the ring is different. The ring is not conventional by any means.
Randy: You can say that alright.
The ‘ring’ this evening was a lumping mound of dirt referred to as Cornwallis Hill. As Mongo was known to do, he set up a vendor for XHF merch at the park entrance, and one of the corner posts that the ropes were latched to - was the incoming in a 30 by 30 foot roped-off square.
Suddenly the noise of the helicopter grew louder and fans averted their attention to the sky. A spotlight gives them a better view of the tag team known as ReKoba standing at the open door, in black, red, and white matching attires was Cross Recoba and Dakota Jennings. The duo known as ReKoba would embrace one another before they stepped off the side of the helicopter! Do not fear, for they are harnessed by wires connected to the chopper and make their way safely down to the ring in an epic aerial entrance. As their feet hit the ground, Cross spins Dakota around in a dance move, disconnecting her cable, before she does his. Their music fades.
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents, hailing from parts unknown! With a combined weight that we were too afraid to ask, THE RITUAL - Kuroi and Natasha!
A series of crows, the nameless cultists of the Ritual appear in a slow and ordered line on each side of the aisle way that is set up as an entrance ramp to the High Ground match. Over a hundred cultists stand there as smoke pours out from all areas of the park when suddenly the forest rumbles like an earthquake. The cultists disappear into the smoke for a moment. Rising from it we see a platform with a king and queen chair decked out like Egyptian gothic royalty. In the left chair, we see Natasha, dressed like a goddess of death. To her right is a crown-bearing Kuroi, draped in black gold armor and silver lining, with a wolf fur cape connected at the back. The crows carry the two up the hill to the ring area. The crows stop and a group of them form a human set of stairs. Kuroi stands up first and puts his hand open as Natasha takes it and stands next to them. In unison, Kuroi and Natasha walk off the stage and down their crow stairs into the ring.
Hawke: Looks like Kuroi and Cross Recoba are going to start the match in the ring.
Randy: Don’t you mean that they are going to start on the hill?
Hawke: It makes me wonder. Is the ground more yielding than mat or less?
Randy: I would think that it would be less. I mean there’s a bounce to the mat, but not so much the ground. It’ll be better than hitting the concrete, but not as good as hitting the mat.
Hawke: That sounds like an educated answer.
Randy: Well, I have hit all of the above in the past.
Kuroi and Cross Recoba climb the hill to meet in the center of the “ring”.
Kuroi: I have the high ground.
Recoba: We’re on equal footing?
Kuroi: Right. About that.
Kuroi seizes Cross under the armpits and hurls him through the air. He lands on his feet but then rolls backward until he bounces off of the ropes at the bottom of the hill and slams into the ground.
Kuroi follows Cross down to the ropes where Cross jumps up and grabs Kuroi around the legs to pull him down in a double leg takedown. Kuroi is back up quickly enough, but by this time, Cross has taken the high ground and cracks Kuroi in the jaw with a roundhouse kick. Kuroi staggers back to the ropes where he bounces and holds onto the ropes to not slam into the ground. Cross leaps from the hill where he’s at to hit a high dropkick that sends Kuroi over the rope to the ground…that isn’t very far down below. More like on the same level and stuff.
Hawke: A bit of a grade to this hill.
Randy: No, grades are for school. This hill isn’t flat. It’s why it’s called a hill.
Hawke: No, I mean…yeah. The hill isn’t flat.
Randy: That’s what I said!
Cross pulls Kuroi back into the ring and drags him up the hill by the arm. He whips him into the ropes by where Dakota is and runs down to tag her in. Dakota jumps into the ring and kicks Kuroi in the gut while he’s using the ropes to balance himself. Dakota takes Kuroi down in a reverse Russian Legsweep, sending Kuroi's face into the dirt.
Kuroi begins to get up but is sent back into the dirt with a spinning heel kick. Dakota locks in a reverse chin lock with Kuroi’s face facing the ring ropes. Natasha rushes around the ring to cheer him on to get up. When that doesn’t work right away, she slugs him across the jaw, drawing blood.
Hawke: That’s an odd technique to get Kuroi motivated.
Randy: She nearly killed him once.
Hawke: Oh, right.
Randy: He’s messed up in the head.
Kuroi stands up with Dakota hanging onto his back for dear life. He leaps into the air and lands onto his back, squishing Dakota between him and the hill. Kuroi gets up and peels Dakota off of the ground before hurling her over the hill where she rolls until she lands in a seated position in the corner. He walks around the hill and tags in Natasha. She leaps over the ropes, grabs the rising Dakota, and suplexes her onto the hill.
Natasha waits for Dakota to get up and lets out a “How of the Baintse” which is a blood-curdling scream. Dakota responds with a superkick that sends Natasha back to the ground. Dakota drags Natasha by the foot to the top of the hill where Natasha gets back up to her feet. Dakota goes for another superkick, but this one is deflected by Natasha.
Randy: So close! That could have ended the match, I feel it!
Hawke: It takes a lot more to dismantle a goddess like Natasha.
Randy: A good kick to the head will do it.
Natasha and Dakota circle one another in the "ring." The Leader of the ritual and the End of Days 2020 winner lock up and Natasha quickly backs Dakota into a corner, getting an easy advantage due to the high ground. Dakota is not one to back down and quickly fights back, going blow for blow with the Goddess with firecracker-like energy. Both of these teams skirted through the first round but to make it to the finals they'll have to fly by the skin of their teeth! Dakota pushes Nat up the hill and trips her, sending her tumbling back down into a corner! Dakota runs for a cannonball to flatten the Goddess but Natasha, ever quick-witted, rolls out of the way and lets the Firecracker crash and burn in a corner before she eats a corner dropkick for her troubles.
Hawke: God, did you see the way Dakota's body buckled and folded?
Randy: No, but Cthulhu did and he LOVED it!
Natasha steps back and tags her monster in the ring. Kuroi steps right over the ropes and stalks Dakota, grabbing her by the hair and lifting her before clotheslining her back down to the ground! He stands on her back, and Cross comes by and tries to distract the monster from his ex-girlfriend. Kuroi kind of stares at him for a moment, before stepping forward and wrapping his gorilla-sized paw around the neck of Recoba! Recoba struggles as Kuroi pulls him close, and the ref tries to get them apart but doesn't notice Dakota uppercut Kuroi right in the nuts! Kuroi gets spun around, still holding his baby maker, and nailed with a DKO MK II! Flattened on the ground! Dakota holds her back, but scooches over to Cross to tag him in!
Randy: In comes the boy toy!
Hawke: The Box Office Smash of The XHF is tearing his way into the ring!
Cross climbs the ropes and Kuroi rises to meet him, only to get brought back down to earth with a flying DDT! Cross begins to strike down on Kuroi with kicks, punches, any strike he can manage but the bulldozer of the Ritual just powers through it, he blocks a few solid strikes and headbutts Cross across the ring! Kuroi stalks after Cross, who's already loopy as he tries to get away, crawling up the hill. He nears the top as Kuroi is mere feet away before he spins around and log rolls down, taking Kuroi's base out! Kuroi falls to the ground and rolls down while Cross jumps onto him with a splash from the heavens!
Randy: FIVE! STAR! FROG! SPLAAAAAAASH!
As Cross lands on Kuroi, Natasha climbs up the ropes and takes down Cross with a crossbody! She stands and gets taken out by a Diving Hurricanrana!
Randy: It Came From Scottsdale! III: The Straight-to-Video Cash Cow!
Hawke: That's what Nat gets for running in! In for a cuppa tea and out like a light!
Natasha flies out of the ring and Dakota runs back to her corner, roaring and ready for a hot tag. Cross crawls over, Kuroi crawling after him but HE MAKES THE TAG! Dakota storms the ring and despite the difference in sizes takes Kuroi down with ease! A few axes handle before a dropkick into the corner. She runs at Kuroi and HIGH KNEE! A few punches from Dakota before she runs and hits a bulldog on the bulldozer! Dakota beckons for Cross to come in, and he grabs the goliath and lifts him for a tombstone! Oh my god, that man is 270 pounds! Dakota rears back and nails him with a SUUUUUUUUPERKIIIIIIIICK! DROPPED IN A TOMBSTONE! THE ULTIMATE CLIMAX! KUROI IS OUT LIKE A LIGHT!
Hawke: We could be looking at the finalists for the Tag Team Annihilator here!
Cross and Dakota share a hug in the ring, they got the chemistry and flair baby! But what they don't have, is the foresight to see Kuroi is already rising to his feet! Oh no, SHOULDER BLOCK INTO REKOBA! HE LIFTS CROSS ABOVE HIS HEAD AND TOSSES HIM RIGHT OUT OF THE RING, BEFORE TAGGING NATASHA BACK IN! Kuroi picks Dakota up by the throat and steps into the ring. As he goes to slam the Firecracker down with Dark Halo, Natasha grabs her and nails her with a high angle back suplex! RITUAL PERFECTION! DAKOTA IS OUT AND KUROI TURNS TO CROSS AND CHARGES HIM, JUMPING OVER THE ROPES AND NAILING A FLYING CLOTHESLINE OFF THE HILL! THEY TUMBLE FARTHER DOWN AS NATASHA SLIDES DOWN THE HILL, ONTO DAKOTA TO PIN HER!
1...
2...
3!
Bonnie Jenkins: Winners of this match and advancing to the finals of the Tag Team Annihilator Tournament -- THE RITUAL!
Hawke: What a display of power from The Ritual! They're ready for whatever comes for them in the finals!
Randy: Striking hear into the hearts of everyone for sure! And wait, what's this?
Kuroi lifts Cross to a standing position as Natasha, still slinking over a fallen Dakota, wipes some of the black paint from her lips and paints an Ankh on her forehead and planting a kiss on the Ankh! Marking Cross' ex right in front of him! Kuroi tosses Cross to the side as Natasha joins him outside, and they are surrounded by crows before disappearing into the night.
Randy: What a crazy start to this show of insane matches. Ladies and gentlemen, we *burp* have an exciting semi-final slate for the singles tournament as well. We saw Anthony Caffrey continue to be Dylan’s *fart* Kryptonite *drinks from flask*
Hawke: *waving a hand in front of his nose* Uh, yes, and Donzig managed to overcome the Phoenix champion! On the other side, leading into our next match, we saw Steve Awesome swindle Thespian out of his win, and Vodka Fizz managed a gutsy and impressive win over Adrien Cochrane! Let’s remind the folks of the brackets!
Hawke: Well here we are in a very unorthodox semifinal match for the end of days tournament.
Randy: Who comes up with these stipulations Joey?
Hawke: I’m being told this one was chosen by Grandma Mary. And it is guaranteed to have 200 percent more feathers.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following is an Oil and Feathers Match… Feathers will fall … *she looks up at the open sky above her* … will be blown via the fans set up at ringside all match long. And both competitors have been rubbed down with baby oil and will be misted at points during the match with olive oil. Otherwise, this match is scheduled for one fall!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
All the lights in the arena die out and the fans in attendance start chanting his name.
Crowd: AWE-SOME! AWE-SOME! AWE-SOME!
Dramatic Pause.
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped-up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones. She skids on the stage from his slippery feet. He catches his balance and poses, letting the crowd soak in the glistening oily glory of his abs.
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her wont you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, from Detroit, Michigan. At 6 foot 2 inches and 238 pounds … he is one half of the XHF Global Tag Team Champions, “The Face of the Franchise” … STEVE AWESOME!
Randy: Steve advanced to this phase of the tournament in less than honorable fashion.
Hawke: Theo certainly has reason to feel slighted by this seasoned veteran.
Randy: He is absolutely glistening isn’t he? Oh there’s already a feather stuck to his crotch…
The lights go down and black lights come up, bathing the stage in purple. A hard, grungy bassline starts to play.
'Hey, turn the bass up. Turn the bass up!'
The base gets louder and grungier, and the lyrics come in as Vodka Fizz dives out on stage in a golf cart retrofitted with huge speakers that are playing his music. He is dressed in a full-length white fur coat, white shutter glasses, and anover-the-top white top hat, and as he drives the golf cart down the ramp he toasts fans with a yard-long cocktail flask hung around his neck full of some florescent liquid he drinks from as he drives down the ramp..
When he gets to ringside, he drapes the fur coat over the seat of the golf cart and removes the top hat, keeping the shades on. he climbs up on the apron, turning to face the crowd and chugging the remnants of his large drink, finally striking a pose and spraying a mouthful of whatever it is up into the air and letting it rain over him. He grins and winks at the camera, then rolls backwards over the ropes into the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, from Daytona Beach, Florida. He stands 6 foot 3 inches tall and weighs in at 220 pounds, he is the Fireside SPARK Champion … VODKA FIZZ!
Hawke: Fizz completed what many thought was the upset of the tournament with his toppling of the former X*Crown champion, Adrien Cochrane.
Randy: A signature win if there ever was one. This tourney has really introduced the greater XHF to the talent this guy has.
Feathers begin to slowly fly across the ring as Short Forest (the one with the dark hair) begins to scoop handfuls from a giant pillow case and drop them over an industrial fan facing the ring. Both men shimmer in the lighting as individual feathers cling to their bodies. Steve absentmindedly begins to follow the flight path of a large feather, taking in its beauty. Like a plastic bag caught on the wind. Vodka takes advantage and American Beauty’s Steve with a shotgun blast dropkick to the back of the head. Steve hits the mat and slides on his oily stomach right out of the ring. Fizz regains his footing and looks at his hands wondering what power has taken hold of him.
Hawke: Well that’s lesson one in training, don’t get distracted.
Randy: MM mmm Mm *spits feathers out onto the desk* WHY ARE WE SEATED IN THE PATH OF THE FEATHERS! I got pigeon in my sake.
Voddy wastes no time as he grabs the ropes and pulls back to launch himself onto Steve … and his hands slip off the ropes and he falls to the mat. He sighs as he rolls to his feet. Steve stands on the outside and gets hit in the back with a clump of feathers that now cling to him. He slides into the ring and the two men stare … as feathers fly by their faces. The two men grapple. The SPARK champ begins to push back Steve towards the corner. Steve stomps on his foot and reverses the momentum. He snaps Voddy over with a snapmare and locks in a deep chin lock. Fizz squirts out of it though. He slides away and pushes to his feet. Steve charges and Fizz hits him with a dropkick.
Randy: What a slippery start to this match.
Hawke: I don’t understand how this makes for good entertainment. I do want a salad now…
Steve reaches out and pulls together a clump of feathers. Voddy grabs him and pulls him up only to get a wad of feathers stuck to his face, blocking his breathing and vision. Steve then hits a hammerlock backdrop. As he stands up a feather goes right down his throat. He starts gagging and stumbles to the corner. As Fizz pulls the feathers from his face, Steve hacks up a lung. Forest takes a break from his feathering and leaps onto the apron and spritzes Steve right in the face with some olive oil. Fizz laughs and barrels in for a clothesline. And upon connecting, he gets spritzed on his shoulders. Feathers have begun to cling haphazardly to both men.
Hawke: Not exactly a show of wrestling glory is it?
Randy: I’m having fun now. *holds up a taxidermy turkey and pours beer into his mouth from the butt*
Hawke: … What?
Randy: I got it from the CAR kid with the feathers.
The SPARK champ stalks the Z-list movie star. A running knee to the side of the head puts the awesome one to the mat. He pins.
ONE!
Steve slides out from the pin easily.
Fizz stays on the attack with a series of forearm shots as Steve tries to stand. Steve flails out with a haymaker to the gut and thumbs the eyes. The ref gets in and warns him this is not no DQ. Steve apologizes mockingly and grabs the Fireside Dumpster Fire for a suplex but Fizz slides free and connects with a step up enzuigiri. Thinking quickly, Fizz scoops up armfuls of feathers and sprinkles them all over Steve. He then rolls Steve over a few times to stick them to him. Awesome kips up and blasts him with a spinning back roundhouse. Voddy stumbles and then ducks the follow-up clothesline. He catches Steve with a full nelson. Steve tries to wriggle out but the feathers give purchase to his for and Steve instead meets the mat courtesy a full nelson slam.
Randy: What a strategy by the SPARK champion! Using the feathers to give him a grip!
Hawke: I find it ironic that Steve Awesome is once again being told to win he needs to get a grip.
Fizz locks in a stepover standing armbar. He struggles to get a grip on the limb but eventually manages to lock the elbow and wrench it into place. Steve yelps in pain and flails before pounding on the mat in anger. The hold is not tight due to the oil, and on cue, Voddy gets hit in the back of the head with the spritzer from Forest. Fizz yells at him to wait until later but instead, the spritzer is turned on the arm of Steve who then squeaks free. With a yelp of joy, Steve rolls to the ropes. A ball of feathers hits him in the crotch. He drops to the floor whining about how Robert Downey Jr never has to deal with this shit.
Hawke: Ok that was funny.
Randy: I don’t believe for a second he knows RDJ…
Fizz takes a second to formulate a plan … getting peppered with feathers sticking everywhere. Steve slowly crawls along the floor. Voddy slides out of the ring and stalks him. A running punt to the gut and Awesome is awesomely retching on the floor. Fizz brushes away the feathers and raises his arms to grab Steve. He gets spritzed with oil in his armpits and looks with incredulity at Forest. The poor beleaguered member of the Forest Force shrugs and spritzes Steve as he tries to stand right in the eyes.
Randy: Do you think this is what Grandma Mary asked of him?
Hawke: Word backstage is she was upset that last year there was no spritzing or feathers.
Forest dumps a bucket of feathers all over both men, really clucking up proceedings. Steve scampers away to the steps and stands up. He motions for Fizz to bring it, “you cock-a-doodle-dillhole!” Fizz moves in and lands some strong striking kicks to the ribs. Steve buckles over in pain. Fizz pulls him off the steps and then whips him right back into them. Steve arches his back in agony. Fizz with a running knee right to the chest crushes him against the steps. Awesome slumps over as the ref is now at six. Fizz rolls into the ring and back out again.
Randy: Steve has his hands up pleading for mercy.
Hawke: The strong style strikes of Vodka Fizz are just leaving Steve punchdrunk.
Randy: SALUD! *gulps down a vodka fizz*
Hawke: Were you just waiting for me to say his full name?
Randy: *wiping his mouth* Yup! *belch*
Fizz pulls Steve up and headbutts him before rolling him into the ring. He slides in after and right into a lateral press.
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout by Steve.
Fizz stalks Steve. As he stands, the arm goes across the actor’s throat. Steve however slides out before the chickenwing can be applied. He catches the arm and locks in a hammerlock and hits another backdrop. Fizz kips up. SUPERKICK!
Randy: JAW BREAKER!
Steve regains his composure and mouths off to the crowd about how hard he slapped his thigh on that. Voddy must be dead!
Hawke: Uh Steve?
Fizz is slowly climbing to his feet, holding his cheek behind Steve. Steve turns and dodges a clothesline by diving onto the mat and slip and sliding to the ropes. He catches the bottom rope and swings around to correct his direction. Kips up and charges with a running elbow. Fizz rolls to his feet immediately and gets another running elbow to put him down again. Steve hauls Fizz up and hits a scoop slam before backing off the ropes with a running elbow drop across the throat. Fizz clutches his neck as feathers fall onto his face. Running senton splash from Awesome! Steve comes off the ropes again but slows up and struts. He poses for pictures as he then drops an elbow, landing in the paint me like one of your French girls pose.
ONE!
Fizz rolls the shoulder. Steve just pouts.
Hawke: What a comeback combo from Awesome.
Randy: His movies are garbo, but he is pretty solid in the ring.
A blast of feathers catches Steve in the face again and he slams his hands on the mat and glares at Forest as he pulls the pillow stuffing off his face. He looks at Voddy and smirks. He begins to try and stuff the feathers down his throat! Fizz however manages to block and catches Steve in a gogoplata! The oil however, makes Steve too slippery and he slinks out of the hold and stomps Fizz in the gut. Voddy rolls over and Steve looks to lock in the Awesome Lock. Fizz however, recognizes the move and leaps up, kicks off the middle rope and flips over Steve with a sliced bread! Both men are down. The ref begins a count.
Hawke:A wily counter by Vodka Fizz to save the match for himself.
At three Steve begins to move. At five, Fizz is to his hands and knees. At six Steve is kneeling looking up as Fizz rises to a vertical base at seven. A spritz of oil to both men and the strikes commence. Voddy has Steve in front of him, and hammers him with rabbit punches and overhand strikes. Unfortunately at that moment a blast of feathers hits the ref in the face and he spins away. Steve raises an uppercut right into the netherregions of the SPARK champ! He then scoops the beleaguered champ into a fireman’s carry for the spinning cutter!
Hawke: NO NOT AGAIN! The Steve-K-O right out of another disgusting low blow.
Steve rolls up Fizz and grabs a handful of tights.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Fizz kicks out at 3.05!
Steve bounces off and celebrates in the ring as Fizz argues with the ref about the low blow and tights. The ref says he didn’t see it.
Bonnie Jenkins: Your winner and advancing to the finals of the End of Days Tournament at Trial by Fire … STEVE AWESOME!
Randy: Man he is so good at sneaking away with these victories.
Hawke: Another case of Steve stealing a win from the opponent. We’ll have to wait and see if he gets to try it again with Caffrey or Donzig later in the show.
Randy: But now let’s toss it over to Grandma Mary and her son for the Junior Heavyweight Bike Race!
Grandma Mary: Welcome to our first Bicycle Race! Brought to you by CAR and XHF!
Uncle: That’s correct. This race will determine the top two wrestlers to advance to the-
Grandma Mary: Ghost Pepper Challenge! Tag me on the TockTic!
Uncle: And then the winner of that actual wrestling match will advance to the-
Grandma Mary: Belt thingy in two weeks. Now let me explain the challenges today’s bike racers will experience.
Uncle: Wait. I thought it was just a bike riace up a mountain?
Grandma Mary: Yes, after eating one Homegrown, Organic, Carolina, Spicy Pepper. My buddy Bill told me his garden grows some mean peppers.
Uncle: I thought we decided on Ghost Peppers? I bought the Ghost Peppers for the wrestling match; organic just like you asked.
Grandma Mary: The spicy ones, yes. Bill said he had some extra of his Carolina Death peppers though. They were free and I know you’ve been keeping an eye on the budget...
Uncle: Death Peppers? You mean reapers? We are giving these racers Carolina Reaper Peppers? As hot as the Ghost pepper is, the Carolina Reaper has more than double the spice of the ghost pepper at its hottest.
Grandma Mary: Should be a good show!
Uncle: The ghost pepper tops out at 1,041,427 Scoville Heat Units (SHU), and the Carolina Reaper can reach up to 2.2 million Scoville Heat Units (SHU).
Grandma Mary: And on the Starting Line from left to right we have Lord Dominicus, on an all black bicycle.
Uncle: Are there details on the side there?
Grandma Mary: If there are, they are also black. My eyes are not what they used to be.
Uncle: Well there seems to be something on the handle bars. Next to him is the Auzzie, Aiden Merric on a wooden bicycle. That thing has something on the handle bars. Also spikes that don’t look safe for the other competitors.
Grandma Mary: I’m sure it’s all show. Speaking of, next to him is Florida Man on a very showy bike.
Uncle: That looks like the bike from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. What’s it weighed down with? Will that thing stand on its own power?
Grandma Mary: We will find out when it leaves the heavy duty cradle we made for it. Took a crane to get it in place. Next to that entrant is Sinclair Godfrey on a very sensible and stylish bike.
Uncle: With Helmet!! The only sensible one on the field. Honestly that gold accent on the PINARELLO PRINCE DISK WOMEN'S EASY FIT ULTEGRA really makes it pop.
Grandma Mary: Yes, I just wish she realized you can’t change a man. They have to want to change.
Uncle: Well this bike race sure is a change of pace for most of these wrestlers.
Grandma Mary: And that is true for Adrien Cochrane. He rides on a light blue bike. Do you think he supports UNC with that color?
Uncle: I think you're reading more into this than there needs to be. And lastly we have the Industrial Woman.
Grandma Mary: I think you mean Sister. The Bike!
Uncle: On a Kaws bicycle by Trek Madone. I think they may need some help first though. The wheels are on fire.
Grandma Mary: I’m sure it’s fine. Let’s get to the Peppers!!
Uncle: Each contestant is receiving one Carolina Reaper Pepper. At the starting shot, they will down it and bike up the mountain to the finish line.
Grandma Mary: The first two to cross the finish line will be the two to wrestle for the opportunity to represent CAR at the End of Days - Battle Field.
One of Grandma’s two helpers known as the Forest Force makes his way to the starting line in an authentic American Revolutionary War dress, complete with bonnet, and holding a church candle lighter.
Uncle: Is that blond Forest in your dress?
Grandma Mary: I tailored it for him myself. I have a larger backside. And front side. Most sides really.
Uncle: I'm not commenting on your size. Racers on the mark please. Remember to down the pepper then race at the sound of the gun.
Grandma Mary: Fire when ready!
Blond Forest bends only his arm to touch the church candle lighter. A moment later the cannon fires.
XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP #1 CONTENDERSHIP QUALIFIER
Ghost Pepper Bicycle Race
Lord Dominicus vs. Aiden Merric vs. Florida Man vs. Sinclair Godfrey vs. Adrien Cochrane vs. Industrial Woman
Uncle: And they’re eating! Lord Demonicus looks ill. Is he panting or about to feed the gutter?
Grandma Mary: Sinclair isn’t looking much better but she seems very angry about it.
Uncle: So does Florida Man, but he is also crying while trying to get on his bike.
Grandma Mary: Aiden has managed to stoically get on the bike, though his face is very red.
Uncle: Industrial woman is… smiling. She likes pain? She is very happy about what has to be intense heat.
Grandma Mary: Most of them are on the road now. Adrien is leading the pack but even the true southern looks to be feeling this heat. Oh! What if one of them gets sick on the track.
Uncle: That is a distinct possibility and why I suggested a lower level heat.
Grandma Mary: We’ll have to wash the track. Florida Man seems to be having some serious issues controlling that bike of his.
Uncle: And Lord Dominicus seems to have water guns attached to his handlebars. Direct hit to Aiden.
Grandma Mary: Aiden has let loose a manly holler of war. I think the water burns.
Uncle: Industrial woman has cut off Sinclair in a bid to be second to Adrien.
Grandma Mary: We are halfway through the track. Adrien continues to lead, followed closely by The Industrial Woman, Lord Dominicus, Sinclair, Aiden Merric and Florida Man.
Uncle: Aiden looks like he is trying to get close to a Florida man to knock him out of the competition. But I don’t see either of them catching up to Adrein’s early lead.
Grandma Mary: I would say it was his lack of sensitivity to the pepper given that Industrial Woman's right behind him. Still Smiling.
Uncle: This race isn’t over yet! Lord Dominicus is now even with the Industrial Woman.
Grandma Mary:And sprinkling both in his liquid. His Manly concoction?
Uncle: Nope, that made it worse. The Industrial Woman isn’t smiling anymore as she and Lord Dominicus push to catch up with Adrien. Aiden has passed Sinclair.
Grandma Mary: Both are crying angry tears. Florida Man is catching up to Sinclair who is determined not to let him pass. That extra weight on his handlebars is really slowing him down.
Uncle: There are seconds between the first place and last place here. It’s a close race.
Grandma Mary: That’s right. It’s a close race and all the wrestlers are really giving it their all. Kudos, y’all!!
Uncle: The Industrial Woman, Lord Domincus and Adrien are approaching the finish line together. Who will hit it first?
Grandma Mary: Don’t worry folks! We invested in Laser Beams with cameras attached to their heads for this race. And it’s not like there will be Doof Floof.
A loud explosion hits on the side of the race course sending billowing smoke across the track.
Uncle: What was THAT!!
Grandma Mary: I believe that was Flroida Man’s handlebars.
Uncle: That seemed more intense than the Doof Floof. I’m Glad we have the lasers with camera beams attached to their heads.
Grandma Mary: Yes. That. but as it was before. Now to pull up the photos on my phone.
Uncle: It looks like all of our competitors have successfully crossed the finish line and are quickly finding a way to douse the heat in their mouths. Aiden seems to be walking into the field behind the finish line.
Grandma Mary: Isn’t there a bull in there?
Uncle: I don’t think he realizes it yet.
Grandma Mary: And the two wrestlers who will face the Ghost Pepper Challenge will be Adrien and Lord Dominicus.
Uncle: After this short break!
We pan from the booth Grandma Mary and Uncle are in to the table that Randy and Hawke are seated at.
Randy: WOW! What a race! So quick yet so dangerous!
Hawke: That's just half of it! Lord Dominicus and Adrien Cochrane will have a 5 minute rest period to regain their senses, the taste ones specifically, and then they'll duke it out to see who challenges Bloodied Fox at the End of Days PPV in 2 weeks.
XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP #1 CONTENDER'S MATCH
Ghost Pepper Death Match
Lord Dominicus vs Adrien Cochrane
With both members having had a moment to recover and the ring strung up with ghost peppers, Bonnie Jenkins steps up with a microphone.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for ONE DRINK!
Crowd: ONE DRINK!
Bonnie Jenkins: The only way to win this contest is by being the last to consume water, dairy products, or anything to wash their mouths out and save their taste. There will be bottles of hot sauce around the ring, and consuming that does not count as forfeiture.
With the general rules out of the way, she points to one corner of the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first, fighting out of New Orleans Louisiana. He stands 6 feet even and weighs 190 pounds. "THE DROPKICK KING" ADRIEN COCHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!
Cheers from the crowd, everyone is loving Adrien!
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent. fighting out of THE PUREST DEPTHS OF DARKNESS, standing 6 feet even and weighing 180 pounds. "THE EVILMEISTER" LOOOOOOOOOOOORD DOMINICUS!
More cheers from the crowd, which angers LD! He's evil dammit, how dare they love him?!
DING DING! DING DING!
The match starts with both men putting on some rubber gloves and a set of goggles before picking out a ghost pepper each to consume. Lord Dominicus tries to pick the smallest one he can find, while Adrien mans up and eats the biggest one out of a bunch. They chomp down on it, each turning just a bit redder and sweating a little before they get to squaring up! They engage in a collar-and-elbow tie-up before Adrien pushes LD into a corner, sweeping a leg down and forcing his face into a bundle of peppers!
Hawke: What's your take on this match, Randy? Who has the homefield advantage?
Randy: I believe Adrien has an edge over the Master of Evil, Joey! He's lived in Louisiana all his life and whew, have you ever been down south during Mardi Gras, beads flying everywhere? Gumbo and Albariño flowing down your gullet? He's a whole different breed, man!
LD is trying with all his might to not land in that bushel of deadly peppers but Adrien just forces him right down! Face first in a bushel as LD squirms around in the spicy goodness! His tummy rumbles at just the thought of consuming all these peppers and, try as he might, cannot escape his fate. A sly ghost pepper or two sneaks into his mouth and LD can't help but cough and sputter before instinctively reaching for the milk close by! He remembers the win conditions and shakes his head, swallowing and sweating profusely. Adrien offers a smile.
Cochrane: Care to give up, pal? We don't have to do it this way.
LD: NONSENSE! I- *cough* CAN HANDLE- *pants* oh geez this is hot.
LD pushes himself back to his feet, grabbing some peppers and lunging for Cochrane who side steps and dropkicks him to the floor for his efforts! LD pushes himself back out and tosses the peppers at Cochrane, who catches them and eats some! This proves to be a distraction as LD tackles him and drives his fists into him! He can only go so long, seeing as he just competed in a race moments earlier. But LD keeps pushing, showing just why he was the only double champion in NPW for so long! He stomps on Adrien a few times but Adrien fights back, he battles to his feet and beats back the former Canadian triple-crown champion. The two goliaths of XHF's biggest up-north feds throwing punches at each other! Neither willing to give up the fight! LD ducks a punch and lands a questionably low kick to the gut, and then he pulls Adrien's goggles off and sticks a thumb in his eye!
Randy: How rude! This may be a death match but dammit LD that's still a dick move!
Hawke: Think of where those hands have been, Randy. What they've been touching all night!
Randy: Oh... oh no...
Adrien screams and holds his face, his eye burning like the depths of hell. He has no way to focus or counter anything, meaning he won't see the near-picture perfect dropkick LD just nailed him with! He falls flat to the ground as LD celebrates! He showboats and gloats his one dropkick until he trips over Adrien's prone body! Adrien wiggles on top of Adrien to lock in an arm bar!
Randy: You idiot Adrien! You can't win like that!
Hawke: But then he can break LD's arm, and he can't feed Adrien peppers like that! Or defend himself!
Randy: Ooooooh. Keep going Adrien!
LD cries out in pain from the armbar, he can't break it or tap to get out because this isn't a normal match, it's a ghost pepper death match dammit! He gets an idea though, and drags himself to a corner post. LD frantically grabs one of the milk jugs and cracks the top open on it, before taking it and throwing it backwards at Adrien! Adrien covers his mouth, letting LD out of the armbar and letting him be able to get back to his feet. LD spins around and nails Cochrane with a forearm, he then backs up and runs to the corner... THE DARKNESS! ADRIEN IS OUT LIKE A LIGHT! LD takes the jug of milk and pours it down into Adrien's mouth until the bell rings!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match and the NEWWWWWWWWWW NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP, LOOOOOOOORD DOOOOOOMIIIIINICUUUUUUUS!
Randy: LD did it! He beat Adrien Cochrane and gets to fight Bloodied Fox in two weeks!
Hawke: No, LD *outsmarted* Cochrane. A display of his cunningness so Fox knows just what he's up against!
Lord Dominicus celebrates by getting out of the ring and drinking as much milk as he can to alleviate his taste buds. Adrien looks on disappointed as we cut to a commercial break.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is a semifinal match in the End of Days Tag Team Annihilator Tournament! This match is a CANNONBALL PIN MATCH! This match will be a no disqualification, no count outs, and the only way to win the match is to pin an opponent with a giant cannonball! Any pin attempt without the cannonball will not be legal! Pinfalls can take place anywhere in the venue… ARE YOU READY X-H-F!?
Fans in the National Park pop to the sound of XHF shenanigans about to take place before their eyes. If the XHF fans were to be labeled, they would be categorized as loyalist, excentrists, and quite similar to the fans of the band Metalocalypse in the way that they had an undying desire to see carnage and blood at any juncture they possibly could.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first, representing NLW, weighing in tonight at an undisclosed amount. They reside in the UK and have a hit single in the music industry, yesssss, here is THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS - Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby!
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop on the makeshift stage. As they hit one, a fart noise rings throughout the King’s Mountain National Park until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the grounds.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr. Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like an amatuer wrestler in high school smashed together with a blancmange.
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Edmonds: All you are is energy, remember that!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event-- BAAM! Mr. Blobby is smashed across the back by a steel chair wielding Moloch! Mormo is seen running past his Death Squad partner with a trash can and tosses it at the turning Noel Edmonds!
Hawke: Straight to the face! The Oblivion Death Squad wasting zero time with getting this match started!
Randy: Hell they didn’t even get introduced!? Who are these baboons! Don’t they know it’s all about self-promotion these days?
Hawke: Donzig doesn’t seem like the type to be on Twitter, nor does the rest of the Death Squad.
Mormo goes for Edmond, blasting him with heavy punches and driving him down the aisle way to the ring. The referee stands in the ring with his hands in the air. The Crinkly Bottom Boys music cuts off as Bonnie Jenkins finishes the announcing.
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents, the OBLIVION DEATH SQUAD, Mormo and Moloch!
TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR SEMIFINAL MATCH
Cannonball Pin Match
Crinkly Bottom Boys vs. Oblivion Death Squad
Bonnie rushes out of the ring and towards the ringside area to her spot near the time keepers area. The ring tonight was fenced off with metal guard rails, as the King’s Mountain National Military Park venue showed the lush greenery as a backdrop with fans scattered in sections all around the ringside area. Edmonds meets the steel steps up close and personal!
Mormo looks at the referee who is yelling at them to get in the ring, and flicks him off. The formerly known artists of the KGB, had no respect for authority, and show it in spades. The referee makes the call and signals for the bell to ring officially, before exiting the ring to be ready for a pin using the cannonball.
Mr Blobby is taking a lickin’ from Moloch at the top of the aisle leading to the ‘stage area’. Mr Blobby headbutts Moloch though and gets away from him enough to make his way towards the ring, looking for his partner in crime, Noel Edmonds. Mr Blobby was the saving grace in week two, turning a flying clothesline from the Bastards into a high impact belly-to-belly suplex that sealed their victory. Moloch chases behind Mr Blobby who now sees himself between the Oblivion Death Squad in the aisle. Edmonds is still laid out next to the steel steps, not quite recovered from the assault the Death Squad had started this match off with.
Moloch and Mormo seem to have a plan, as Moloch nods to his partner and rushes at the legs of Mr Blobby from behind. As he does, Mormo goes high, and the Squad execute a high-low combination attack using a chop block and shoulder block! Mr Blobby lays in pain in the aisle, as the Death Squad bump forearms and turn their attention to the rising Noel Edmonds.
Hawke: All Death Squad so far, and it’s not looking good for the Crinkly Bottom Boys!
Randy: Well if they go quietly into the night, they can change their name to the Quickly Dead Boys!
Hawke: Doesn’t quite roll off the tongue though. Edmonds is fighting an uphill battle as the Death Squad execute a plan we can only imagine Donzig came up with.
Randy: The man is a maniac! How anyone listens to his leadership baffles me.
Hawke: Since you feel that way, I’ll let you take the interview with him after this show. (Grinning)
Moloch and Mormo walk towards Noel Edmonds with the purpose of disposing one half of the Crinkly Bottom Boys. Noel Edmonds puts his hands up to fight, and the Oblivion Death Squad stops, turning to one another to share a laugh at the expense of the oldest member in the match. GRAB A GRAND on Mormo! The screaming of his partner snaps Moloch back to reality but not quick enough -- GRAB A GRAND on Moloch too! Noel Edmonds stands before the Oblivion Death Squad with both their naughty bits being clenched like they owed him money!
Randy: OWWWW! I can feel that up here!
Hawke: What a creative way to neutralize the two-on-one Edmonds was facing!
Randy: It’s not pretty, but it gets the job done.
Hawke: Every man would agree, that’ll stop you dead in your tracks.
Noel Edmonds looks up at the Death Squad members with a hint of maniacal happiness in his facial gestures. Surely he wasn’t enjoying it as much as he looked, but the suffering his opponents were displaying would make anyone feel powerful in this situation. Noel glances between the brutes he was squeezing and yells back to his rising partner, Mr. Blobby!
Edmonds: Double dropkick Blobby baby!
Within moments, the second half of the Crinkly Bottom Boys is seen dashing towards the trio of men, and just as he leaps for the dropkick to the Death Squad’s backs, Noel Edmonds lets go of his clutching of grapefruits and rolls out of harm’s way. Mr Blobby plants a foot into each Death Squad member’s back, sending Moloch over the steel steps awkwardly and Mormo into the steel post head first! Edmonds nods at his partner, teamwork was the reason they made it to the semi-finals of the Annihilator tournament. Tonight they needed to dig deep if they wanted to bring more acclaim to their names and make it to the finals.
Hawke: Edmonds and Mr Blobby taking back control with that double team move.
Randy: It’s far from over Joey. This one has just started.
Hawke: You think? Well --
Before Hawke could get the words out, the camera cuts to the entrance where Sinclair Godfrey appears. A part of the Oblivion Death Squad, a devoted follower to Donzig - and as she tells the referee with conviction, ‘the manager’ of sorts for the Death Squad members, Mormo and Moloch. Noel Edmonds sees this arrival, and while he doesn’t seem concerned immediately, he keeps Sinclair in his side view as he stomps on Mormo’s foot and slams his head off the ring apron. Followed up with a quick DDT, Edmonds puts Mormo on the ground and orders Mr Blobby to splash Moloch from the apron. Taking his orders, Mr Blobby walks up the steel steps and jumps off the apron onto the back of Moloch with a body splash! Sinclair yells at Mormo to get up, calling him names in the process. Edmonds lifts the ring apron, pulling out a trash can full of weapons stashed underneath.
Randy: How convenient that a trashcan full of weapons was there, huh Joey?
Hawke: I’m not surprised any more - that’s happened for 20 years in the XHF, it’s a tradition at this point.
Randy: Oh, so now we’re supposed to be unphased - (slides hand over face to reset his expression) Back to the tried and true trashcan of DOOM!
Noel Edmonds pulls out a baseball bat that appears to have thumbtacks glued to the top half of it. Mr Blobby rounds the bend, as Edmonds orders him to hold the arms of Mormo behind his back, keeping him still. Edmonds eyes up the bat, waiting for his partner to pick Mormo up and do as he says -- and Sinclair Godfrey steps between them! She holds her hands up to Edmonds, asking for him not to do this, but Edmonds points to the starry sky above, playing out the famed baseball player, Babe Ruth, who’s trademark move was calling for a home run before he went to bat. Edmonds turned his eyes back to Sinclair, and looks just past her shoulder as Mr Blobby has Mormo in position behind her. Shaking his head, Edmonds doesn’t appear to give a damn what Sinclair says and swings for the fences!
Hawke: Sinclair ducks!
Randy: HOME RUN!
The bat collides with Mormo’s forehead as Edmonds swing comes swinging up and then down - a very awkward baseball swing to say the least, but maybe he was trying to avoid Sinclair too, who really knows. Godfrey cringes as the thumbtacks keep the bat stuck in the thick forehead of Mormo. Blobby lets go of the arms, and Mormo drops to his knees. Edmonds places a foot on the chest of Mormo and pulls back on the bat to dislodge it from his head, before Mormo crumbles to the grass. Moloch with a diving shoulder tackle from the steel steps to Mr Blobby’s back!
Randy: Where the hell did he come from! Damn ninja!
Hawke: You’re telling me! I forgot he was in this for a moment.
Randy: Are we really that old?
Hawke: Speak for yourself. Moloch’s shoulder tackle sends Mr Blobby head first into his partner Edmonds. The Crinkly Bottom boys are both down at ringside!
Moloch turns his attention to Sinclair, who barks for him to use the trashcan full of weapons on the pair. Moloch wastes no time and completes the task, picking up the nearly full trash can and using it on the fallen Crinkly Bottom Boys! Various weapons fall out with each impact of the trash can to body parts, until the trashcan itself looks like it’s been in a car accident. Moloch discards the trashcan over the guardrail, causing a group of fans to rush it like a mob of homeless fighting for food. Moloch scoops up Edmonds and throws him over his shoulder, carrying him with ease as he takes him around the ringside area towards one of the cannonballs.
Hawke: Moloch looks like he is ready to end this as he powerslams Edmonds on the floor!
Randy: Well he is down a team member, as Mormo over there was made into a human corkboard.
Hawke: A baseball bat alone is deadly, but those thumbtacks made my hair stand on end.
Randy: You’re always squeamish Hawke. You’d think after all these years of blood and gore in the XHF arenas, you’d grow numb to it.
Hawke: I don’t even watch slasher movies Randy, they aren’t for me.
Randy: Lame.
Moloch goes to pick up the cannonball resting in front of the spanish announce table, which for whatever reason scares the hell out of the two members sitting behind it. Almost leaping over the guard rails as Moloch heaves the cannonball onto the announce table slowly, having trouble with his grip, as the ball is the size of an inflatable beach ball that is sold for summer pool parties. Moloch finally gets it up on the table, and begins to climb up himself. The crowd begins to close in around the guard rails, forgetting all their precautions as the drama unfolds ringside. Moloch bends over and wraps both arms around the cannonball, putting it against his chest as he squats down and begins to pick it up!
Hawke: Please tell me he isn’t going to do what I think he’s going to?
Randy: What’s that? Squish a bug?
Hawke: You know what I mean!
Randy: GERONIMO!
Moloch surprises everyone as he leaps, well maybe not so much a jump but a falling over off the edge of the table, cannonball secured! The ball crashes on the floor as Mr Blobby grabs Edmonds legs and yanks him out of the way of the impending doom! Moloch tries to land on his feet, but the weight of the cannonball is too much for him to contain his control. Instead, Moloch hits the floor with one foot planted, his chest smashes into the cannonball and he tries to stand up, grasping his chest with both hands, eyes wide open, and his face showing he can’t catch his breath - he had knocked the wind out of himself. Moloch puts one hand on the cannonball as he hunches over, and quickly crumbles to his back next to it, clutching his chest still. Edmonds eyes are in shock, and he orders Mr Blobby to lift him up. Blobby does what he’s told, and Edmonds rushes to the cannonball, wrapping his arms around it and pulls up --- but it doesn’t budge. Noel stops and puts a hand on his back, realizing he was going to pull something if he tried again. Instead, Edmonds orders Mr Blobby to put the ball on Moloch, and Mr Blobby obliges by rolling the ball over the arm and onto Moloch’s chest. Edmonds goes for the cover by laying his whole body over the cannonball, but not before yelling at Mr Blobby to tackle the incoming Mormo! SPEAR by Mr Blobby to Mormo and he rolls into Sinclair who was behind her Death Squad member ordering him to save the match! Referee slides in and checks Moloch’s shoulders, all the while Edmonds is telling him to get on with it.
1..
2..
3...
With a thunderous three count, the referee yells for the bell and Noel Edmonds leaps off the cannonball with the enthusiasm of a child! Mr Blobby comes over and picks up his team member in a big hug, as the two joyously celebrate.
Bonnie Jenkins: Winners of this match and advancing to the finals of the Tag Team Annihilator Tournament -- THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS!
Sinclair lays up against the guardrail a few feet behind the wrecked Mormo and shakes her head with disappointment. Moloch is not moving, looking like Wylie Coyote after a failed plan to kill the roadrunner. Tonight, the NLW natives had tactfully used teamwork and with a little luck, found themselves the victors. Noel Edmonds is carried around the ringside by Mr Blobby, who without much facial expressions, appears to be in great spirits, maybe more for his own partner than the win -- but nonetheless, the Crinkly Bottom Boys were headed to the finals!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is a semifinal match in the 2021 End of Days Singles Tournament! This match will be a Bounce House of Friendship Match! For this special match, the ring has been replaced with a Castle sized Bounce House! The only way to win is by pinfall or submission. Introducing first …
“My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark” begins to blare through the Kings Mountain National Military Park sound system which was composed of a slew of standing speakers placed strategically around the fans seating sections. The crowd in attendance begins to erupt in cheers for the FIRESIDE owner and former XHF X*Crown Champion. The fans in their highly sophisticated wooden bleachers rise to their feet collectively as purple sparkler sprays from the makeshift stage setup to the side of the National Military Park.
Hawke: A warm welcome for the Fireside owner, a former X*Crown Champion and up XHF Tag Team Champion as the Purple Emperors and Subject to Change. 2021 has been a busy year for the Philadelphian native.
Randy: Winning comes at a price, and Anthony Caffrey has bartered a lot to find the success he’s had.
Hawke: End of Days could be the cherry on the top for Caffrey this year. Finding himself once again in the XHF Network’s spotlight, should he find a way to survive Donzig and move into the finals.
Randy: There are no guarantees in the XHF!
Anthony Caffrey steps onto the runway like material being called a stage this evening. Standing under the glowing projector image on the Xtremetron of a Purple Emperor butterfly. He nods to the XHF audience as they cheer. Caffrey begins his slow march down the carpeted aisle runway and onto the grass of the entryway to the giant Bounce House. The referee was waiting at the entrance. Caffrey turns to the crowd and soaks in the adoration. He then falls backwards into the Bounce House, springing up and onto his feet like a kid. Caffrey begins to call on the crowd to pump up the noise, and the attendees at King’s Mountain National Military Park give him a rally of vocal cheers! He hands his glasses off to the referee at the entrance and stretches in the middle of the bounce house looking castle surrounding him. Unconventional, sure, but Caffrey never shied from a challenge.
Bonnie Jenkins: From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania …
Crowd: CAFF-REY! CAFF-REY! (raucous applause)
Bonnie Jenkins: He weighs in tonight at 222 pounds … he is the Founder of Fireside, ANTHONY CAFFREY!
The music fades out as Bonnie Jenkins walks around to the otherside of the bounce house entrance, strutting her stuff in a post-apocalyptic outfit that worked perfectly for the End of Days theme. Her red, white, and blue faded dress with blood spatter and the torn flag style pattern on the back was captivating the great history of this Park. The battle fought on King’s Mountains sacred land gave the edge to the Americans in securing victory during the Revolutionary War.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing his opponent, hailing from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania -- a Steel City native!
Fans share a mixed reaction; obviously a lot of Eagles fans in attendance for the Fireside Founder.
Bonnie Jenkins: Weighing in this evening at 217 pounds…. He is revered as the Scourge… the Master of the Void, DONZIG!
'See you soon' by Chelsea Grin blares through the speakers! The lights go off and then come on as an angry red. Flames explode from the prop canons on each side of the aisle. Sending bursts of flame erupting into the air. Donzig walks out dawning his skull mask with his hood up. He pauses, glaring out across the crowd. A disapproving shaking of his head, before taking the walk down the aisle slowly. He circles around the bounce house, eyeing up it’s structure, what’s holding it down, and it’s massive existence. Making his way back around to the entrance, Donzig turns to the fans and in one movement swipes the hood back to reveal all of his masked presence. Head tilting left, then slowly to the right, Donzig begins to take off the mask slowly; handing it to the referee and shakes his head at the fans with a scowl before he leaps into the bounce house and springs promptly towards the center with a clothesline to Caffrey!
END OF DAYS SINGLES TOURNAMENT SEMIFINAL MATCH
Bounce House of Friendship Match
Donzig vs. Anthony Caffrey
Hawke: Donzig brings the fight to Anthony!
Randy: Was it on purpose though? It looked like he over shot that jump - those houses aren’t safe I tell you! (burp)
Hawke: Childhood trauma?
Randy: Shut up!
Donzig and Caffrey roll through the clothesline motion and both spring to their feet. It would take more than a jump on Caffrey to keep him down. The bounce house itself was enormous and not like any other bounce house out there, of course not! XHF wouldn’t allow such a tragedy, and with the licensing on these bad boys, Mongo could buy some new underwear… Anyway, the bounce house is the size of a castle, literally with ceilings over 20 feet high. There are sections to the bounce house, from the main area in the center to rooms that are separated by pillars made out of the a mixture of a strong PVC material and Nylon for the corners. This material was military grade, and of course, the XHF sprung for it just to have this matchup. Caffrey catches Donzig with a spinning wheel kick as he sails through the air!
Randy: His boots are shiny and Caffrey is making Donzig eat’em!
Hawke: Donzig isn’t exactly known for an aerial style of wrestling. He’s more uh-
Randy: Chaotic. You can say it, he’s not offended. That man can’t feel anything.
Anthony Caffrey rolls over and springs back to his feet. Donzig takes some time rolling around to get his bearings back. Caffrey bounces towards Donzig, getting his next attack lined up as he double bounces into a roughshot front elbow drop to the neck of Donzig! Donzig rolls away from him with the recoil bounce. Anthony scouts to the right side of the bounce house, noticing climbing wall of sorts leading up to another area. Donzig springs at Anthony out of nowhere! Hooking the arm swiftly, Caffrey counters into a judgo arm drag variation! Donzig sails right into the wall! Sliding down on the back of his head and neck, a wilted upside down Donzig lay. Caffrey squints a bit as he sees Donzig’s eyes open suddenly, knees shoot up so he is laying against the wall upside down. Donzig pushes up with his hands enough to bounce to an upright position and land on his feet. SPRINGBOARD off Donzig’s back! Caffrey double bounces and uses Donzig’s back like a launching pad! He clears the wall and lands superman style to stop his momentum. A camera view over Donzig’s shoulder is cut to, as he looks up with a wrath that only the Scourge of the XHF is known for. Seething from the way Anthony Caffrey was playing with him. Donzig sees Caffrey, Anthony does a brow flex and taunts Donzig to come for him.
Hawke: Mind games from Caffrey early on, making Donzig wrestle his match.
Randy: Anthony’s poking the bear. Is he ready for the grizzly in Donzig?
Hawke: Donzig now bouncing up and grabbing onto the ladder like loops, making it look easy as he gets to the top of the wall.
Randy: Where’d Caffrey go?
Camera shot snaps to a front advantage view with Caffrey bouncing over mini fence like walls that create a maze. This section feels like an extended hallway for a paintball gun battle between teams. Tonight the XHF was putting it’s own battle between the Fireside General and the Scourge Commander; an XHF battle the world didn’t know it needed to see! Donzig surveys the room, sees Caffrey’s head bouncing appear and disappear near the end of the hallway. Sprinting forward three steps he springs over the first section, clears the second obstacle, and finds himself springing into a teflon army crawl net that hangs just off the ground enough to trip him! Tumbling into a bounce wall ahead, Donzig loses his equilibrium and begins to bounce and turn before he finds himself stuck in another set of nets! This time his left knee has gone through and like a fish out of water, he’s hanging upside down. (clearing of the throat) Caffrey leaning against the wall in front of him. DROPKICK to the face! Caffrey set a trap and Donzig fell right into it!
Randy: Cat and mouse.
Hawke: Caffrey is smug, but he is three steps ahead of Donzig here tonight.
Randy: I bet he got a tour of the bounce house!
Hawke: Mongo had this custom made for End of Days this year. It’s a one of one, the very first 1,017 foot long bounce house.
Randy: Did you get a pamphlet or something?
Hawke: If someone was at the pre-show meeting, they would know.
Randy: I had a flat tire on the highway, I was stranded waiting on triple A.
Rolling his eyes at his broadcast partner does Joey Hawke just as Donzig slides free of the net and again lands on the back of his shoulders and neck, feet against the mesh army wall, in a headstand position. Flipping over to his stomach, Donzig looks more enraged than upset. The bearded scowl became more evil and irritated by the moment. Donzig on his feet and Caffrey is gone again, quicker than a ninja. Only one way to go, Donzig rounds the hanging net and drops to a crawl under a Super Mario World 3 like row of coin boxes before coming out to an open area. Here, we see Anthony Caffrey standing on a pillar in the middle of a bounce house arena. Nearly 40 feet wide, two bridges on each side that lead to podiums. Hanging just within arm reach at the end of the blue bridge was an American Gladiator style jousting hammer. The blue tape wrapped around the ends for needed weight and maneuvering. Donzig sees that Anthony is waiting on a center island tile. Below them towards the entrance was a slanted wall, not made of bounce material - instead it was a wall of thick vinyl sheets used for slides in parks. It slid down to a flat base, leading to the only exit in a chain link fence wall that victims of this fall would have to climb.
Hawke: We are seeing a very old style of Gladiator entertainment here in the form of jousting.
Randy: Huh, where’s Heath Ledger at? I KNEW HE WASN’T DEAD!
Hawke: (sideways glance at his partner) Except this is grecko style. Instead of the loser falling to their death, it’s a fall into the pit. Only way out is to climb a 90 degree wall using the army grade mesh wall ladder and get to the other side.
Randy: What in the hell…
Hawke: Behind Caffrey hangs a rope that can be used to swing across. It does look risky though.
Donzig snags his blue hammer, proceeding towards Caffrey one island hop at a time. He was staring a hole through Caffrey like a rabid dog looked at a fresh meal. Caffrey prepared for Donzig as he gets to the nearest island. Swing and a miss! Caffrey just misses Donzig, as he squats down and jabs his hammer into the gut of Caffrey. Grabbing the handle to avoid falling backwards, Anthony steadies himself and one arm swings his hammer upwards at Donzig’s chin! Weaving his head left, Donzig takes a brush of the hammer on his shoulder, and yanks his hammer towards himself. Caffrey let’s go to avoid being pulled forward, and Donzig jabs high, but it’s a fake out! Caffrey sucks low and sees the hammer head come falling on his head!
Hawke: Donzig with a hammer smash!
Randy: It’s Hammer Time!
Hawke: Couldn’t resist it could you?
Burping in response as Caffrey sprawls out on his chest from the blow to his head. While the jousting equipment wasn’t solid, it packed a reasonable amount of weight. Holding his red hammer by the handle in his right hand, Caffrey stirs to get up on one knee. Donzig jabs at his chest and connects! Caffrey retaliates with a sweeping hammer at Donzig’s knees! IT HITS! Donzig buckles to his side on the island, teetering towards the edge as half of his body hangs off. Caffrey’s shows confidence as he rises to his feet and heaves the hammer over his head, smiling like Jack Nicholson in The Shining as he drops the hammer with all his strength toward Donzig’s back! Rolling over to his back at the last second, Donzig barely avoids the hammer! Caffrey’s confidence turned to concern as the hammer’s swing pulled him to the edge of his island, teetering on his toes!
Randy: I hope he’s not afraid of heights.
Hawke: Anthony is one step closer to free falling into the pit!
Randy: Donzig is up!
Springing at the opportunity, Donzig gets back to his feet and steps backwards momentarily. Caffrey’s rocks back on his heels and pulls the hammer back — TACKLE! Donzig hits a low gravity tackle to Caff’s midsection and plants him on his back on his own island! Leaving his blue hammer behind. Donzig tees off on Caffrey, landing two stiff punches before Caffrey protects himself with his arms. Grabbing an incoming forearm of Donzig’s, he locks on an armbar on Donzig, pulling him chest to chest. Nose to nose, neither man’s vocals are audible but their lips move with what we could only imagine was a sensible evening conversation regarding politics — who are we kidding, the venom in their faces was undeniable, a seething of unreconciled reasons for wanting to clean the other man’s clock. Caffrey converts his armbar from a front to a back armbar, trying to slip behind the Scourge. Donzig rocks his body backwards and plants a migraine enduring headbutt! Caffrey’s armbar weakens, but Donzig isn’t able to get out. Another HEADBUTT!
Randy: Hello, anyone home? We are trying to reach you about your extended car warranty.
Hawke: Hang up now!
Donzig punches with his free arm into the ribs of Caffrey, followed by a knee to his right hip. Breaking the armbar in the process. Donzig grabs Caffrey by the hair and swings a right haymaker, Caff takes all of it to the cheek and is rocked! Donzig finds his way to a vertical base while keeping a foot on Caffrey’s right ankle. Caffrey is discombobulated, which doesn’t go unseen by Donzig. Lifting Caffrey by the neck, Donzig places Caffrey’s head in a piledriver position before he reaches for the rope in front of him. Teetering on his toes, he secures the rope and pulls it back towards the platform.
Hawke: Close call!
Randy: Is he making a noose?
Hawke: Dear god!
Donzig’s hatred was being tied in a knot in front of his face as he clamped his thighs on the neck of Anthony Caffrey, keeping him hunched over. Caffrey pushes up, lifting Donzig off the ground! Caffrey drops down and this time does it again with more momentum! Donzig goes for a ride over the shoulders, letting go of Caffrey’s neck as he clutches the knotted loop he made and swings behind Caffrey!
Randy: Watch out for that—-
Caffrey stands up and turns around, looking to see where Donzig fell. Instead he sees Donzig flying back at him like Tarzan. With nowhere to go, Donzig comes in legs wide open and both hands securing his upper body on the rope — they connect! Caffrey bear hugs Donzig and goes for a ride!
Hawke: Holy shit!
Randy: No fuckin way!
Slingshotting across the gap, Donzig let’s go of the rope and the two crash onto the landing area on the other side, rolling down a bouncy slide and into an inflatable ring area. The referee is seen catching up to them from a secret side entrance that gets sealed off after entry.
There are four corners, 3 ropes, all the fixings of a wrestling ring but in a bouncy house material. The two men separate and roll away from one another, both getting to a knee as though mirroring each other’s movements. Caffrey glances up at Donzig as he strokes his beard and flicks off Caffrey. It’s all it takes for the Fireside Founder to pounce at Donzig head-on!
Hawke: This has been a rollercoaster of emotions.
Randy: You’re telling me. (cracking open a fresh case of beer)
Hawke: Spear by Caffrey!
Caffrey takes Donzig into the corner turnbuckle, which wilts over and bends due to their combined weight. Knuckles to chin, Caffrey tees off on Donzig! One, two, three, four punches land before Donzig rolls backwards and flips over the folding turnbuckle post. Now on top of Anthony, Donzig returns the punishment he just received. Only one punch meets Caffrey’s chin before he blocks with his arms and rocks left and right. Rolling left the two are fighting along the ropes, weighing the whole west side of the ring down, creating a huge bubble of air to be redirected to the other side. Monkey flip by Caffrey and Donzig is launched straight it the bubble!
Randy: Cannonball!
Hawke: Oh no!
The full force of Donzig’s body comes flying into the air pocket bubble! POP! Donzig impales the bubble and disappears into the void of the bouncy house floor.
Randy: Where did he go?
Hawke: Caffrey is wondering the same thing.
Randy: The section of the bounce house is deflating!
Hawke: I hope Mongo paid the insurance bill.
Caffrey pulls up on the broken flap that Donzig impaled. Air puffs out at him and makes him turn his face to the side to shield his eyes with his arm. Suddenly the floor around Caffrey dips on the left side and he stumbles to keep his balance. A slit in the floor to his right appears and Caffrey falls in his backside as he loses his balance. Staying there with his hands sprawled out to stabilize himself — but another year appears behind him and Caffrey drops into the floor as the material rips with the final slit!
Hawke: How did Donzig get a box cutter in there?
Randy: I see how! (Burp laugh)
The camera zooms in to get a better view of Donzig who stands a few feet behind where Caffrey fell through. Rolling into a boot, Caffrey feels around and picks up the boot of Donzig, relieved it’s not something else. Donzig clutches him around the waist from a sitting position as the bounce house above them begins to dip down as air releases from this section. Sagging incredibly fast, the referee finds the hole and drops in shy of both men, feeling the air rise and escape the bouncy had ring room and sending his hair to stick up. Caffrey gets his arm grabbed and spins around as his feet touch down. DONZIG STUNNER! Caffrey slips out of it! Donzig swings around to see the incoming CLOSING REMARKS! Donzig ducks, hooking the armpit, and hooks the other arm as he spikes Caffrey’s head with the 25:17 onto the ground! Rolling him over with haste, the Scourge goes for the cover!
1..
2…
...
The camera loses picture as the bouncy house caves in and we don’t see any body now. The whole screen is black. The XHF fans begin to stir with commotion as the camera comes back into focus to see the side of the bounce house room slice diagonally once and then again, forming an X. Out steps the Scourge, Donzig, one boot missing and the referee appearing right after him Raising the hand of Donzig’s the bell sounds, and the Bounce House match is over!
Bonnie Jenkins: Winner of this match and ADVANCING to the finals of End of Days… DONZIG!
The look of power glowing from Donzig’s presence sums up the confidence this win gave him. The fans cheer for the match but some boo the foreign object use, as the box cutter is pocketed by the referee and Donzig is given his other boot back. He bends over to tie it up, and upon standing is face-to-face with Steve Awesome! They both stare at one another for a moment, until a third figure comes from the other side. Dakota Jennings, End of Days briefcase in tow!
Randy: Oh my! Just when we were getting hyped about those finals, it looks like we're getting a little DKO in the mix!
Hawke: It looks like regardless who wins, they not only have to deal with Spike Kane but Dakota Jennings as well!
Nestled in the Carolina’s is a graveyard. There are, admittedly, many graveyards in the Carolinas however the one we are discussing this fine day was a battlefield. During the rebellion leading to the establishment of these United States, many people who lived in the thriving colonies remained loyal to their King. Some revolutionary people didn’t. King’s Mountain is considered by many to be the largest group of American on American violence during the revolutionary war and one of the first decisive victories for the patriots that lead to changing the tide of the war.
Grandma Mary: Welcome to the most sought after and hardest to capture CAR Cup!
Uncle: The Sippy Cup Race will feature four of our strongest crews but only one will get to hoist that cup!
Grandma Mary: Let’s get started with the intros! First up, this crew really came out swinging this season. The CopyCorvette!
Uncle: That is not the CopyCorvette. That is a cardboard bicycle with training wheels.
Grandma Mary: Well, yes. It had to have at least four wheels. I’m sure they will do great!
Uncle: Sure. Our next crew Has never missed a race! The one, the only Angry Mad Chemists!
Grandma Mary: Does their car make my butt look big?
Uncle: It isn’t their car. And following them is the previous Sippy Cup winner, Esoteric Order of Driving.
Grandma Mary: Can they do it a second time? Only time will tell!
Uncle: And last but not least is another new crew this season, Hightower Recycling. I look forward to seeing if the heavier load will break your ramp.
Grandma Mary: Of course it won't, it's rated for two of those trucks!
Uncle: Then I guess we are ready to start! Don’t worry racing fans, we will not ask our crews to eat peppers.
The crowd goes mild.
Grandma Mary:.. This race... Oh! Here comes Blond Forest.
One of Grandma Mary’s Forest Force members, still dressed in an American Revolutionary dress (complete with bonnet), pushes a large bell up to the starting line.
Uncle: Crews get ready.
Grandma Mary: On your mark Forest.
Forest takes a deep breath. The bell is slowly pushed to one side then released. A loud BONG!
SIPPY CUP CAR RACE
Obstacle Gauntlet Race
Copycorvette vs. Angry Mad Chemists vs. Esoteric Order of Driving vs. Hightower Recycling
Uncle: And they're off! EOD is once again off to an early start but can they keep that lead over … is that the CopyCorvette in front of the Chemists?
Grandma Mary: Yes but it’s early in the race. Fire the cannons!!
Hearing the order, the Forest Force fires the cannons at the approaching racers. Loud booms rench the air. Smook makes the track hazy.
Uncle: Visibility is low. Let us see if that will affect the crews.
Grandma Mary: I can’t see a darn thing. I think High Tower has pulled even with the Chemists but I have no idea where the CopyCorvette Bicycle is.
Uncle: Lack of headlights I think. Looks like EOD is approaching The Pit of Despair!
Grandma Mary: Boy! They flew right over that!
Uncle: Yes. With their wings.
Grandma Mary: AMC has cleared the jump!
Uncle: I believe that was the CopyCorvette Bike that made the jump.
Grandma Mary: Sure. And now for Hightower Recycling. And. And. And I don’t see them. The jump looks intact but I don’t see the truck.
Uncle: Well it looks like AMC has caught up to EOD at an elevation above that smoke.
Grandma Mary: and is that the CopyCorvette holding onto AMC’s side mirror?
Uncle: Looks like it. I think the Chemists have engaged their chemical engines. Better hope the CopyCorvette doesn’t let go. That is too fast to pedal.
Grandma Mary: But is it fast enough to catch up to EOD?
Uncle: We are approaching the finish line.
Grandma Mary: And WE DID IT! That’s correct. We have had a successful race without the-
Uncle: Oh, look. The Chemists have engaged the Doof Floof. Audience please be aware that there have been some reported side effects to those that allow the floof to touch their skin.
Grandma Mary: Just one race without the Doof Floof would be nice.
Uncle: I would be more concerned about Hightower. They haven’t crossed the finish line and I - no wait I found them.
Grandma Mary: Where?
Uncle: Looks like they are stuck in The Pit of Despair. While we get the Forrest Force mobilized to fish them out, please tell our viewers who won the Sippy Cup.
Grandma Mary: Yes of Course! It looks like 2021 has been the year of Esoteric because EOD has won the Sippy Cup Again!!
Uncle: Great job, crews! CAR would not function without your hard work!
Grandma Mary: Yes! The whole CAR Planning Committee-
Uncle: Pretty sure that’s just you-
Grandma Mary: The WHOLE CAR PLANNING COMMITTEE would like to extend our gratitude to every racer in the last year and a half. We would not still be doing this if we didn’t have enough crews for the races.
Uncle: You all make it possible!
Grandma Mary: And that is why we will host another Cup next month. The Athletic Cup!
Uncle: Join us for a chance to compete for the Golden Cup Cup in the last race of 2021.
Randy: And don't forget to join the XHF Network NEXT WEEK for the End of Days finals!