NLW Post Show with Brittany April #1
Nov 15, 2021 21:17:08 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Drag, and 2 more like this
Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2021 21:17:08 GMT -5
A totally different type of backdrop is seen, probably on a green screen, as Brittany April, one of Next Level Wrestling’s new backstage hires, is sitting behind a desk. She’s dressed professionally in a black dress and a smile on her face.
Brittany April: “Welcome, everyone, to the first ever edition of the Next Level Wrestling Post Show analysis with your host, me, Brittany April. You might remember seeing me a few weeks ago getting a job here, and well, this is what they gave me. I’m way too photogenic to keep hidden away, so they gave me this show!’
That smile stayed on her face as another graphic popped up next to her. This is really well produced.
Brittany April: “Boy, Ascendancy 25 was one wild night. From contenders getting crowned, challengers being shown for network championships, stables causing mayhem and violence and someone’s popcorn shrimp getting exposed, it was perhaps one of the craziest nights for NLW in recent memory.”
Of course she didn’t have the heart to say this was the third show she’s watched. That’ll be our little secret. Brittany April clearly wasn’t put in this role for her brains as the dress had magically gotten smaller during a small cut in the feed.
Brittany April: “BB Gunn hasn’t been doing a great job of keeping control, as we saw after the announcers cold opened the show. Kelly Rimmington, I think that’s her name, tried to get comments from Mr. Gunn. Gunn looked about as well prepared for her questions as someone sitting before congress. Anytime the guy in charge bypasses their ability to say yeah, I’m letting too much go wild, but a few bad eggs make it worse, I don’t know Mr. Gunn. Maybe you should hire a better security firm. Or fire Kelly Hoss.”
A shrug followed.
Brittany April: “But Rob Arnold showed up and who the hell cares. Luckiest XHF Champion in history. After that we had Al Jabroni vs. Sexton Love. … This was a match. I’ve never been a fan of guys who gotta call themselves some weird nickname as a sex god. Like, holy crap, can you not, please?”
Now a shake of the head from Brittany who rustled a few papers on her desk.
Brittany April: “Anyways, Jabroni looked like Jabroni and Sexton looked like a meathead. I question why any professional wrestler would want to come from the state of Iowa, it’s all corn and pigs, but Al showed a lot of heart. Sexton showed some power ability but got caught in a roll up that may have nicked the popcorn shrimp. It was a quick match, got the crowd hyped because they like Jabroni and were happy to see the guy win, I guess? It wasn’t the worst match I’ve seen.”
Text on the screen scrolls now “The views of Brittany April do not represent the higher ups of Next Level Wrestling.”
Brittany April: Why anyone would make a ska version of an Elton John song is so dang weird, but we heard it. The Crinkly Bottom Boys are a favorite of mine because Mr. Blobby might be one of the most underrated wrestlers on the planet. He and Nathan Cage shared a beer while Noel Edmonds did Noel Edmonds things. I’ve seen worse.”
Quick pause.
Brittany April: “Then it was onto the second match of the night as Tommy Kelly took on CJ Walker. Walker, a tall drink of water, reportedly tendered his resignation at some point before the show and there was a huge stink about him being on the show at all. Lawsuits might happen. Anyways, Tommy kicked the hell out of CJ Walker and made him tap out like a bitch. I think Little Sally Walker, walkin’ down the street, would’ve given Tommy Kelly a better match.”
Yes, that is a reference and one no one probably wanted. Deal with it. Brittany takes a drink of water and clears her throat.
Brittany April: “Look, everyone, when you want to leave a company, you go out on your back. It’s just how wrestling works. You don’t throw a fit. You don’t threaten people. Just take the loss and go out with some dignity instead of crying like my two month old when he shits himself. CJ Walker has earned the first ever Brittany April’s Dipshit of the Week!”
A still photo of CJ Walker comes on the screen with the text “Brittany April’s Dipshit of the Week” plastered on it. Don’t reply to the thread either.
Brittany April: “After the match the CBB and Nathan Cage come out as CJ Walker continues to get beat like he stole something from his grandma. Cage yells at Tommy Kelly, who they got some Wendy’s size beef with one another, before Pillmanizing Walker’s ankle. Little meta there but it was entertaining. Just been informed we gotta pay the bills so we’ll take a short ad break.”
An advertisement for NLW Homecoming II fills the airwaves now, showcasing the NLW Heavyweight Championship match between Leon Chant and Ricardo Goon. The next ad is for Brittany April’s Twitch channel. HEY WAIT IS THAT LEGAL?! It then cuts back to her.
Brittany April: “Welcome back. So, that Sexton Love talk show. It was pretty cringe and was saved by the sassy ass herself, Eli Dresden. Not going to lie, Eli made me a fan with the popcorn shrimp line. I was on the fence about her after she sexually harassed my brother a while ago, but that was genius against Sexton Love. She then took him to Dick Kick City and beat up the Sax Man. I think we can all learn a lesson from this little talk show; don’t be a dick to a woman who can kick the shit out of you.”
A thumbs up followed as Brittany took another drink of water.
Brittany April: “Another segment took place as Eddie Walker, who reportedly played hide the sausage with Eli Dresden, came out with former X*Crown Champion Adrien Cochrane. Adrien played to his people and got a lot of love. Like more love then Eddie probably got with Eli, if ya get me, and got to his point. The Guardians, not of the Galaxy, will challenge the Crinkly Bottom Boys for the XHF Tag Team championship at Homecoming II. Adrien will team with FIRESIDE’s top champion, Natalie Burrows, who looked like she was trouble when she walked in.”
Too meta? Maybe, but fuck you this is my deal.
Brittany April: “Our next match, after what seemed to be hours of talking. … I kid. Was former XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion taking on Keahi Sparks. This was the longest match of the night and it delivered. Both of these talents showed a lot in this match as Sparks scored what probably 99 percent of fans would be upset over Fox. Maybe, uh, don’t call your opponent lazy next time, my dude. Talk shit, get hit, know what I mean? I just can’t say enough about this match, honestly. It’s well worth going to see even if it’s the only match you watch from this one.”
A text comes up saying “Brittany April’s match of the night” follows.
Brittany April: “Hey, another in-ring segment as BB Gunn welcomed both The End and The New South for a contract signing as the two teams go head to head at Homecoming II to determine the first NLW Tag Team Champions. The End can literally go fuck themselves because they beat my brother and Adam Sanders. I mean, yeah, they’re good but seriously, how dare you!”
She wasn’t really happy with The End. Not at all.
Brittany April: “Fishy asshole Mehrunes talked about god knows what before signing as the New South bantered back. And, as contract signings usually do, WE GOT A PIER SIX BRAWL ON OUR HANDS YASSSSSSS! Who doesn’t love a good old-fashioned cliched filled contract brawl?! I’m sure those four will tear it up, even if The End sucks eggs.”
A shake of her head follows, blonde hair swaying with it.
Brittany April: “Fourth match of the night saw Nathan Cage take on Riley Richard, who was accompanied by NLW Heavyweight Champion Leon Chant. I’ll be honest, I got excited because I thought it said Riley Reid for a second but got disappointed in this Spider-Man looking guy.”
It’s okay to facepalm.
Brittany April: “Nathan Cage is one brutal dude in that ring. Riley Richards found out first hand how sadistic Cage is once that bell rings. However, Riley showed some spunk and tried to fight back against the crazy bastard. However, neither man one thanks to some outside shenanigans from Tommy Kelly who talked shit to Nathan Cage. Then, after the match, holy shit. E.V.E. came out and started killing The Academy. I hadn’t seen a beat down this badly since the Bills smoked the Jets!”
She slammed her fist on the table for effect.
Brittany April: “I’ll be honest, I’m still doing research on E.V.E. and don’t know much about them but they look violent. And then The Goons came down and started to help. If anyone expected them not to beat up Leon Chant going into the title match, then where is your brain at?! E.V.E. and The Goons laid waste as Ric said Leon’s time as top dog was coming to an end soon. BB Gunn, who Sophie from EWR said was overused and isn’t as over anymore, came out to say that Kelly and Cage is unsanctioned and he’ll deal with E.V.E. later. Unless they kidnap him with some ninjas. If you do, please give me credit, thanks.”
Another sip of water.
Brittany April: “Before the main event of the evening, Thespian and their Interpreter cut a promo on the two potential opponents and stayed at ringside to scout. Smart, really. Anyways, I’ll try to be as objective as I can here as Devin Mitchell took on my big bro Chris Sanderson for the number one contendership for the Southern States Championship. It was a good back and forth contest between big bro and Devin as both of them were able to rock one another with some great shots. Devin nearly pissed me off by nearly winning a couple of times, but big bro showed good awareness. We had a ref bump as Thespian decided to take the shirt and count the final fall themselves, big bro winning!”
Yeah she was happy about that. So much for journalistic integrity. Bitch.
Brittany April: “Big bro and Thespian shared a look, as Thespian looked to blindside Chris. We end the show with my brother glaring at Thespian and their Interpreter.”
The smile faded as Brittany took another drink.
Brittany April: “That was all for this show as I’d give it at B+! A lot of great in-ring action, a lot of matches made for Homecoming II and we got to see the trash get taken out of the company. If you’re not hyped for Homecoming II, well, let me make you more hyped with my predictions!”
Airhorns sound as a giant text comes on screen which says BA’s Locks of the Week!
Brittany April: “Starting off we have Sexton Love against Eli Dresden. Of course Sexton wants revenge on Eli for kicking his popcorn shrimp, but Eli is a former NLW Champion and a great wrestler. Love will have to be on his game to knock her off and he might be too thirsty to focus on winning, so I’ll take Eli Dresden.”
Next match graphic is for the XHF Tag Team Championship.
Brittany April: “The XHF Tag Team Championship is on the line as the Crinkly Bottom Boys make their first defense against The Guardians of Adrien Cochrane and Natalie Burrows. The CBB have show the ability to take on any team and come out as victors and I’m not too sure how many times Adrien and Natalie have actually teamed together. I know first time teams can sometimes have an advantage with a lack of scouting material. Adrien and Natalie are both great in their own right but Big Match Blobby is that for a damn reason. I’M TAKING THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS LET’S GOOOO!”
Now the unsanctioned match graphic for Tommy Kelly against Nathan Cage.
Brittany April: “Don’t let your kiddos watch Tommy Kelly vs. Nathan Cage. I hope NLW has another ring canvas they can use because I think we’re going to see pools of blood form. These two dudes are violent and crazy and with no rules? Oh my goodness. One of them may actually die for this match to stop. I think Nathan Cage has more to prove so I think he’s gonna get the win.”
Next up is the NLW Southern States Championship graphic.
Brittany April: “The Southern States Champion, Thespian, defends against Christopher Bradley Sanderson. Lemme tell you something, I know how ready my brother is for this one. He wants this title badly. I’m sure he’ll explain it to you in his promos leading up to the show. Thespian has tons of ability but come the fuck on, you think I’m not going to pick my brother?”
Graphic for the NLW Tag Team Championship.
Brittany April: Fuck The End and that entrance mask wearing bitch. Come on New South!”
...Rather rude and blunt. And finally, the NLW Heavyweight Championship graphic.
Brittany April: “This is a tough one. Chant was able to defeat three others to win that title in a crazy match, as Ricardo Goon won the G1 to get to this title contest. Goon has the clear advantage as he helped beat down Chant and Chant might not be 100 percent going into the contest. I expect this to have a lot of people trying to get involved and Ric Goon taking advantage to beat Leon Chant to be the new heavyweight champion.”
Back to seeing Brittany April at the desk now for the final bit.
Brittany April: “Next Level Wrestling Homecoming II will be live on Saturday, November 27th at the Smoothie King Center in New Orleans, Louisiana starting at 7 p.m. on the XHF Network. Be sure to get yourself some killer dinner before the show starts because they’ll overcharge you in the arena for snacks. Anyways, I’m Brittany April and this has been the first ever post show report!”
With that we fade away.
Brittany April: “Welcome, everyone, to the first ever edition of the Next Level Wrestling Post Show analysis with your host, me, Brittany April. You might remember seeing me a few weeks ago getting a job here, and well, this is what they gave me. I’m way too photogenic to keep hidden away, so they gave me this show!’
That smile stayed on her face as another graphic popped up next to her. This is really well produced.
Brittany April: “Boy, Ascendancy 25 was one wild night. From contenders getting crowned, challengers being shown for network championships, stables causing mayhem and violence and someone’s popcorn shrimp getting exposed, it was perhaps one of the craziest nights for NLW in recent memory.”
Of course she didn’t have the heart to say this was the third show she’s watched. That’ll be our little secret. Brittany April clearly wasn’t put in this role for her brains as the dress had magically gotten smaller during a small cut in the feed.
Brittany April: “BB Gunn hasn’t been doing a great job of keeping control, as we saw after the announcers cold opened the show. Kelly Rimmington, I think that’s her name, tried to get comments from Mr. Gunn. Gunn looked about as well prepared for her questions as someone sitting before congress. Anytime the guy in charge bypasses their ability to say yeah, I’m letting too much go wild, but a few bad eggs make it worse, I don’t know Mr. Gunn. Maybe you should hire a better security firm. Or fire Kelly Hoss.”
A shrug followed.
Brittany April: “But Rob Arnold showed up and who the hell cares. Luckiest XHF Champion in history. After that we had Al Jabroni vs. Sexton Love. … This was a match. I’ve never been a fan of guys who gotta call themselves some weird nickname as a sex god. Like, holy crap, can you not, please?”
Now a shake of the head from Brittany who rustled a few papers on her desk.
Brittany April: “Anyways, Jabroni looked like Jabroni and Sexton looked like a meathead. I question why any professional wrestler would want to come from the state of Iowa, it’s all corn and pigs, but Al showed a lot of heart. Sexton showed some power ability but got caught in a roll up that may have nicked the popcorn shrimp. It was a quick match, got the crowd hyped because they like Jabroni and were happy to see the guy win, I guess? It wasn’t the worst match I’ve seen.”
Text on the screen scrolls now “The views of Brittany April do not represent the higher ups of Next Level Wrestling.”
Brittany April: Why anyone would make a ska version of an Elton John song is so dang weird, but we heard it. The Crinkly Bottom Boys are a favorite of mine because Mr. Blobby might be one of the most underrated wrestlers on the planet. He and Nathan Cage shared a beer while Noel Edmonds did Noel Edmonds things. I’ve seen worse.”
Quick pause.
Brittany April: “Then it was onto the second match of the night as Tommy Kelly took on CJ Walker. Walker, a tall drink of water, reportedly tendered his resignation at some point before the show and there was a huge stink about him being on the show at all. Lawsuits might happen. Anyways, Tommy kicked the hell out of CJ Walker and made him tap out like a bitch. I think Little Sally Walker, walkin’ down the street, would’ve given Tommy Kelly a better match.”
Yes, that is a reference and one no one probably wanted. Deal with it. Brittany takes a drink of water and clears her throat.
Brittany April: “Look, everyone, when you want to leave a company, you go out on your back. It’s just how wrestling works. You don’t throw a fit. You don’t threaten people. Just take the loss and go out with some dignity instead of crying like my two month old when he shits himself. CJ Walker has earned the first ever Brittany April’s Dipshit of the Week!”
A still photo of CJ Walker comes on the screen with the text “Brittany April’s Dipshit of the Week” plastered on it. Don’t reply to the thread either.
Brittany April: “After the match the CBB and Nathan Cage come out as CJ Walker continues to get beat like he stole something from his grandma. Cage yells at Tommy Kelly, who they got some Wendy’s size beef with one another, before Pillmanizing Walker’s ankle. Little meta there but it was entertaining. Just been informed we gotta pay the bills so we’ll take a short ad break.”
An advertisement for NLW Homecoming II fills the airwaves now, showcasing the NLW Heavyweight Championship match between Leon Chant and Ricardo Goon. The next ad is for Brittany April’s Twitch channel. HEY WAIT IS THAT LEGAL?! It then cuts back to her.
Brittany April: “Welcome back. So, that Sexton Love talk show. It was pretty cringe and was saved by the sassy ass herself, Eli Dresden. Not going to lie, Eli made me a fan with the popcorn shrimp line. I was on the fence about her after she sexually harassed my brother a while ago, but that was genius against Sexton Love. She then took him to Dick Kick City and beat up the Sax Man. I think we can all learn a lesson from this little talk show; don’t be a dick to a woman who can kick the shit out of you.”
A thumbs up followed as Brittany took another drink of water.
Brittany April: “Another segment took place as Eddie Walker, who reportedly played hide the sausage with Eli Dresden, came out with former X*Crown Champion Adrien Cochrane. Adrien played to his people and got a lot of love. Like more love then Eddie probably got with Eli, if ya get me, and got to his point. The Guardians, not of the Galaxy, will challenge the Crinkly Bottom Boys for the XHF Tag Team championship at Homecoming II. Adrien will team with FIRESIDE’s top champion, Natalie Burrows, who looked like she was trouble when she walked in.”
Too meta? Maybe, but fuck you this is my deal.
Brittany April: “Our next match, after what seemed to be hours of talking. … I kid. Was former XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion taking on Keahi Sparks. This was the longest match of the night and it delivered. Both of these talents showed a lot in this match as Sparks scored what probably 99 percent of fans would be upset over Fox. Maybe, uh, don’t call your opponent lazy next time, my dude. Talk shit, get hit, know what I mean? I just can’t say enough about this match, honestly. It’s well worth going to see even if it’s the only match you watch from this one.”
A text comes up saying “Brittany April’s match of the night” follows.
Brittany April: “Hey, another in-ring segment as BB Gunn welcomed both The End and The New South for a contract signing as the two teams go head to head at Homecoming II to determine the first NLW Tag Team Champions. The End can literally go fuck themselves because they beat my brother and Adam Sanders. I mean, yeah, they’re good but seriously, how dare you!”
She wasn’t really happy with The End. Not at all.
Brittany April: “Fishy asshole Mehrunes talked about god knows what before signing as the New South bantered back. And, as contract signings usually do, WE GOT A PIER SIX BRAWL ON OUR HANDS YASSSSSSS! Who doesn’t love a good old-fashioned cliched filled contract brawl?! I’m sure those four will tear it up, even if The End sucks eggs.”
A shake of her head follows, blonde hair swaying with it.
Brittany April: “Fourth match of the night saw Nathan Cage take on Riley Richard, who was accompanied by NLW Heavyweight Champion Leon Chant. I’ll be honest, I got excited because I thought it said Riley Reid for a second but got disappointed in this Spider-Man looking guy.”
It’s okay to facepalm.
Brittany April: “Nathan Cage is one brutal dude in that ring. Riley Richards found out first hand how sadistic Cage is once that bell rings. However, Riley showed some spunk and tried to fight back against the crazy bastard. However, neither man one thanks to some outside shenanigans from Tommy Kelly who talked shit to Nathan Cage. Then, after the match, holy shit. E.V.E. came out and started killing The Academy. I hadn’t seen a beat down this badly since the Bills smoked the Jets!”
She slammed her fist on the table for effect.
Brittany April: “I’ll be honest, I’m still doing research on E.V.E. and don’t know much about them but they look violent. And then The Goons came down and started to help. If anyone expected them not to beat up Leon Chant going into the title match, then where is your brain at?! E.V.E. and The Goons laid waste as Ric said Leon’s time as top dog was coming to an end soon. BB Gunn, who Sophie from EWR said was overused and isn’t as over anymore, came out to say that Kelly and Cage is unsanctioned and he’ll deal with E.V.E. later. Unless they kidnap him with some ninjas. If you do, please give me credit, thanks.”
Another sip of water.
Brittany April: “Before the main event of the evening, Thespian and their Interpreter cut a promo on the two potential opponents and stayed at ringside to scout. Smart, really. Anyways, I’ll try to be as objective as I can here as Devin Mitchell took on my big bro Chris Sanderson for the number one contendership for the Southern States Championship. It was a good back and forth contest between big bro and Devin as both of them were able to rock one another with some great shots. Devin nearly pissed me off by nearly winning a couple of times, but big bro showed good awareness. We had a ref bump as Thespian decided to take the shirt and count the final fall themselves, big bro winning!”
Yeah she was happy about that. So much for journalistic integrity. Bitch.
Brittany April: “Big bro and Thespian shared a look, as Thespian looked to blindside Chris. We end the show with my brother glaring at Thespian and their Interpreter.”
The smile faded as Brittany took another drink.
Brittany April: “That was all for this show as I’d give it at B+! A lot of great in-ring action, a lot of matches made for Homecoming II and we got to see the trash get taken out of the company. If you’re not hyped for Homecoming II, well, let me make you more hyped with my predictions!”
Airhorns sound as a giant text comes on screen which says BA’s Locks of the Week!
Brittany April: “Starting off we have Sexton Love against Eli Dresden. Of course Sexton wants revenge on Eli for kicking his popcorn shrimp, but Eli is a former NLW Champion and a great wrestler. Love will have to be on his game to knock her off and he might be too thirsty to focus on winning, so I’ll take Eli Dresden.”
Next match graphic is for the XHF Tag Team Championship.
Brittany April: “The XHF Tag Team Championship is on the line as the Crinkly Bottom Boys make their first defense against The Guardians of Adrien Cochrane and Natalie Burrows. The CBB have show the ability to take on any team and come out as victors and I’m not too sure how many times Adrien and Natalie have actually teamed together. I know first time teams can sometimes have an advantage with a lack of scouting material. Adrien and Natalie are both great in their own right but Big Match Blobby is that for a damn reason. I’M TAKING THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS LET’S GOOOO!”
Now the unsanctioned match graphic for Tommy Kelly against Nathan Cage.
Brittany April: “Don’t let your kiddos watch Tommy Kelly vs. Nathan Cage. I hope NLW has another ring canvas they can use because I think we’re going to see pools of blood form. These two dudes are violent and crazy and with no rules? Oh my goodness. One of them may actually die for this match to stop. I think Nathan Cage has more to prove so I think he’s gonna get the win.”
Next up is the NLW Southern States Championship graphic.
Brittany April: “The Southern States Champion, Thespian, defends against Christopher Bradley Sanderson. Lemme tell you something, I know how ready my brother is for this one. He wants this title badly. I’m sure he’ll explain it to you in his promos leading up to the show. Thespian has tons of ability but come the fuck on, you think I’m not going to pick my brother?”
Graphic for the NLW Tag Team Championship.
Brittany April: Fuck The End and that entrance mask wearing bitch. Come on New South!”
...Rather rude and blunt. And finally, the NLW Heavyweight Championship graphic.
Brittany April: “This is a tough one. Chant was able to defeat three others to win that title in a crazy match, as Ricardo Goon won the G1 to get to this title contest. Goon has the clear advantage as he helped beat down Chant and Chant might not be 100 percent going into the contest. I expect this to have a lot of people trying to get involved and Ric Goon taking advantage to beat Leon Chant to be the new heavyweight champion.”
Back to seeing Brittany April at the desk now for the final bit.
Brittany April: “Next Level Wrestling Homecoming II will be live on Saturday, November 27th at the Smoothie King Center in New Orleans, Louisiana starting at 7 p.m. on the XHF Network. Be sure to get yourself some killer dinner before the show starts because they’ll overcharge you in the arena for snacks. Anyways, I’m Brittany April and this has been the first ever post show report!”
With that we fade away.