Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design [CBB #1]

[Cross Recoba]

INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY

OVER BLACK

TITLE: DOO-DOO-DOO WE'RE ON TO YOU
YOUR BATHING SUIT, BORROWED GUITAR
TELLING HER WHAT TO THINK WE ARE
YOU THE NUMBER ONE WET BLANKET
YOU'RE STILL AROUND I WONDER WHY
YOU THE NUMBER ONE WET BLANKET


EDMONDS and BLOBBY sit on the couch looking into the camera.

EDMONDS
BLOB AND EDMONDS IN THE MORRRNNING!!

BLOBBY hums the melody instead of actually singing it.

JABRONI walks into shot.

AL JABRONI

What are you two doing now?

NOEL EDMONDS

Nothing…

AL JABRONI

Is this how you’re preparing for your title defence? Jingles…

NOEL EDMONDS

Well….

AL JABRONI

That’s real Cowboy shit. Not like you’re on a ranch, more you’d come tarmac our car-port and take the money and run Cowboy shit...anyways, at least you’re booked.

NOEL EDMONDS

You turning up to the show? Be a HUGE event!

AL JABRONI

Nope, I’m going to do the ‘I’m not booked’ dance on the trampoline outside…

NOEL EDMONDS

Suit yourself…

JABRONI exits.

NOEL EDMONDS

Right, Blobarino, are you ready? Are you prepared for what we need to do?

BLOBBY nods. EDMONDS pull out a bag from the side of the couch and holds up a sherbet dib-dab. He puts the bag on the table.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

I need your complete focus for this one…

BLOBBY fixates on the sherbert.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

Now, Blobby. Here’s the deal, I will give you this now but and it’s a big BUT...if we win this weekend, you can have the whole bag of sherbert…

MR BLOBBY (ecstatic)

BLOBBY, BLOBBY, BLOBBY!

NOEL EDMONDS

You know it, the most Blobs one can give! Now, we need to win this for so many reasons. Mainly, we’re already booked for the Xtreme Xmas Swingers Party and if there’s one thing you know I like, it’s a goldfish bowl waiting for my car keys to drop in them!

MR BLOBBY

Blob, Blobb, Blobby, Blo,Blob, Blob…

NOEL EDMONDS

No, I don’t know how Dylan Black makes it through a TSA metal scanner either but we need him there and we need to be there…

EDMONDS starts to click his fingers at BLOBBY who is rather preoccupied with the bag of treasure that sits in front of him.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

BLOB!!

BLOBBY snaps back.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

We’re not at the Swingers Party yet though, not by half! You know what we’ve got to do and how we’ve got to do it.

BLOBBY starts to cower. He grabs a blanket until he realizes how close to the knuckle that blanket is.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

We’ve got to take down the Guardians in a Blanket Fort Deathmatch…

EDMONDS notices the cowering of his tag-team partner.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

Look, Blob, we’ve gone through this, I HAD to do this! If they had their way and got a straight-up wrestling match, it’d be a lot harder. I had to bring the game back into our world a little bit.

MR BLOBBY

Blobby, Blob, Blo?

NOEL EDMONDS

I’ve been doing my homework on them. The whole Freebird rule really tells you a lot, when you think about it.

BLOBBY raises an intrigued eyebrow...or what would be where his eyebrow isn’t.

NOEL EDMONDS

Well, it’s this whole ‘Guardian’ thing. Who really made the challenge? It was Cochrane, because The Guardians are nothing much really other than a front to promote him and his hand was really forced when it came to choosing, it HAD to be Burrows. That’s right, Adrien, I have you pegged better than Eli on Eddie! Sanders is too busy trying to work out if he was ever the standard he was told, Jessica Matthews would be brave as she’s unknown but she’s almost just there for the optics. Solomon needs to keep his father propped up now he’s on low-income support so he can’t be relied on, too desperate. He could have gone for Johnny Maverick but that’d mean he might have to share the limelight and if there’s one thing that Cochrane can’t do, it’s be realistic about what he actually has achieved on the Network…

BLOBBY’s hand is now in the bag, he feigns interest as he tries to rummage around undetected.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

You know it’s true, Blob! Sure, he’s a former X*Crown champion but that’s what he aims for, those headline stats. Dig a little deeper and what do you see? He held it for thirty-six days, that was the length of his reign and what did he do with it when he won? Nothing! The biggest thing that he did when he had that belt was bring it, unscathed, to the Missouri Botanical Gardens so the real talent, Dylan, could have it when he won the Rumble! Think I’m exaggerating? He won by default, it’s what he wants to do here…

BLOBBY continues to furrow around in the bag as he nods along.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

He picked his shot, he challenged Dylan when he knew that the Champ was tired, he’d carried the title for months. Always making defences, always putting in the legwork to make his reign mean something and that wears on a man. Adrien picked his shot because he knew, deep-down, that if he didn’t do it then he’d probably never win it when the playing field was even! It’s what he wants to do here, Blob, he thinks we’re weak. He didn’t challenge the Bang Bros when they had it, when The Guardians had all the points, and why? Because going against someone at full-strength wasn’t the easy move! He wants us now after we’ve come from nowhere, taken down team after team, week after week! He thinks we’re tired and ripe for the picking but could he have beaten the two former X*Crown winners after a gruelling tournament? Never!

BLOBBY smiles.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

He picked Burrows because she has the cachet of beating MAJESTY to hold the FIRESIDE title but she doesn’t outshine him. She won one match there but on the global stage? She came fifth in the Cruiserfest show. Hardly screams out superstar does it? And that’s what Adrien wants, he wants someone who might scare us but they can’t shine brighter than the Drop the ball King, never! If he found out there was a sweatshop in Cambodia turning out wrestling prodigies, he’d make one of them a Guardian! He’d scoop them up and laud them in front of the world, all whilst paying them whatever pittance they got in the sweatshop because he wanted to teach them the value of the dollar, make sure they had moral fortitude...and because no-one outshines the man from Louisiana!

MR BLOBBY

Blobby?

NOEL EDMONDS

What do you mean Canada? The FWA is meant to be the Adrien show, every XHF Network event, it’s always him that gets put forward and what happened last time? He got out to Vodka Fizz. The Cajun Sensation? If he was an STI, he’d be a mildly irritating bout of the clap! His worst mistake was winning that X*Crown because has he managed to ever replicate it on the Network? FWA, no titles. AWF, didn’t win Fired Up, NPW? Didn’t even make the final, do I need to go on? We could always mention Cruiserfest...

BLOBBY shrugs with his free arm.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

One, get your hand out the bag. Sherbert’s for closers! Two, come look at what I’ve got to help you in the match ahead.

CUT TO:

EDMONDS and BLOBBY stand in front of the camera. BLOBBY looks equal-parts scared and amazed.

The camera turns around to see that EDMONDS has turned the entire house, minus the lounge, into a giant Blanket Fort.

NOEL EDMONDS

Blob, don’t be scared. This is just to get you used to the Blanket Fort concept. It’s just the big brother of what we’ve faced before. What we went through, the High Ground match, the Car Crash of Death match, the Dumpster Fire...this is just a natural progression and what kept us going through all that?

MR BLOBBY

BLOBBY?

NOEL EDMONDS

Well, yes, the women and the money but the pride, Blobby! It took endurance we haven’t had to invoke since our halcyon days of twenty-four hour telethons for Glastonbury Cat Shelter! That’s where we dug deep to get the belts, Blob!

MR BLOBBY (scared)

BLOBBY!!!

NOEL EDMONDS

I appreciate that your average cat-owner can’t make C4 or hide nails and chairs in cushions, Blob, but we HAD to take it to this level. The Guardians have this self-righteous streak in them, “We can’t possibly use weapons!”, but this levels it out for us. Don’t worry, there aren’t any weapons or explosives in there, why would I do that to my dearest and oldest living friend?

EDMONDS, in rare show of affection, hugs BLOBBY.

NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)

The Guardians though? They fear this match, this match will have their moral compasses spinning faster than Sam Peckinpah’s corpse at the premiere of a Million Ways to Die in the West! They claim they play by the rules but do they really? Perhaps if you take every shortcut and loophole you can to get to the big show, you can afford that but us? We made our name on what?

MR BLOBBY

Bl-Blobbeh?

NOEL EDMONDS

Why are you talking like Sexton Love? No, it wasn’t light-entertainment, Blobby! Sure, that’s how we dressed it up as but in reality? It was toxic masculinity dressed up as guerilla warfare masquerading as light-entertainment! We can do this! We came to Burrow’s stomping ground and eclipsed what she did against MAJESTY! They want to come to our turf and try and do the same? Puh-lease! She’s too busy playing Hansel and Gretel or Bluebeard or whatever MAJESTY has running around after but this? Do you think either one of them wants to risk their lives, risk orphaning their children for this? Wokehontos and Burrows aren’t going to want to do that. We can live through the danger, thrive on it…

MR BLOBBY (alarmed)

BLOBB!!

NOEL EDMONDS

Don’t worry, I’d jump on the C4 for you and if it killed me, you know my final wishes?

MR BLOBBY

Blob, Blob, Blobby…

NOEL EDMONDS

That’s right, I want you to cremate me and scatter my ashes...into a fan, pointed at whomever opens their Houses of Parliament. That’s the type of bond we have. What do they have? Burrows didn’t exactly go out of her way to save Cochrane at Cruiserfest, did she? How far did that get her though? She came where? Fifth? So that leads me to two possible conclusions - one, she’s nowhere near as good as the title ‘FIRESIDE champion’ might lead you to believe or two, add chaos into her world and she flounders. WHat do you think it is, Blob? Actually, nevermind.

EDMONDS suddenly remembers something.

NOEL EDMONDS

Right, I need to nip out. Take a look around, this is what we’re living in until it’s time for Homecoming. I’ve made some changes to the bathroom though, you know how to use the three seashell method, right?

MR BLOBBY (lying)

Blob!

NOEL EDMONDS

Right, see you soon.

CUT TO:

EXT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY

EDMONDS walks out the door content with his pep talk. A long-haired kid walks past him.

CUT TO:

INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY

BLOBBY opens the front door.

LONG-HAIRED KID

Is this the commune?

BLOBBY shrugs and lets him in.

CUT TO:

EDMONDS walks through the door. A man holding a bong bumps into EDMONDS as he pushes past.

NOEL EDMONDS

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU DIRTY HIPPY!

EDMONDS starts to turn around

NOEL EDMONDS

BLOBBY! We need to talk strategy!



EDMONDS eyes grow saucer-big. EDMONDS gulps.

NOEL EDMONDS

YOU TURNED IT INTO A BLOODY HIPPY COMMUNE!!!!

EDMONDS surveys the scene and sees a throng of long-haired people. Some sit in a circle, others are singing along to Bob Dylan.  EDMONDS looks seething.