GODDAMN HIPPIES! [CBB #2]
Nov 25, 2021 18:35:45 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Drag, and 1 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Nov 25, 2021 18:35:45 GMT -5
INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY
OVER BLACK
TITLE: JACKSONVILLE HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR
FADE IN FROM BLACK
BLOBBY comes to. A NAKATOMI TV is in front of him. As if by magic, it explodes into life.
BLOBBY looks to see he is indeed tied by a dressing gown cable that hooks up to the radiator. He rolls his eyes.
BLOBBY smiles at the memory, the Nuns started with hope in their soul and by the end of the night they had soap in their...well, we don’t need to go into details, we’re on a word-count limit and precious words are drained by endless narration, and song lyrics.
The songs continue faintly in the background.
EDMONDS points to a large bag of the white stuff. BLOBBY’s eyes grow dilated.
EDMONDS moves the camera to show a countdown clock.
BLOBBY can be seen doing the mental gymnastics in his head for how he can stop them and score that sweet white gold.
The recording goes to static as BLOBBY quickly unties the dressing gown cord and picks up the t-shirt, it reads ‘I HAVE A MACHINE GUN NOW. HO HO HO’. Noel has clearly being illegally streaming 80s action movies again.
BLOBBY realizes he needs to pass water. He looks for the tissue paper but finds only the three shells.
BLOBBY panics.
BLOBBY grabs a shell and opens it to fill the shell with urine. The following two shells go down the same way proving that Demolition Man was not the prediction of the future it appeared to be in the 90s.
Opening the door, BLOBBY is confronted by a sea of hippies.
BLOBBY has no time for the makings of a circular argument. He yeets the Hippy into the wall of the fort, setting off a tremor effect around the rest of the Blanket Fort.
Another NAKATOMI TV bursts into life.
Another HIPPY approaches BLOBBY.
BLOBBY puts the head of the hippy though the television.
Like a badly recreated Resident Evil port, another HIPPY stumbles into view. He passes a cellphone to Blobby and the EDMONDS stream continues.
BLOBBY lifts up the HIPPY in a chokehold. He is clearly raging.
Dropping the HIPPY, BLOBBY is alerted to a commotion as multiple HIPPYs sale through the air from round the corner.
Enter DOLLY PARTON.
BLOBBY smiles. Vivien Leigh was definitely in the guilty pleasure wank-bank of his formative years.
BLOBBY pulls out a phone and shows that last week he took part in the BBC’s Children in Need fundraiser.
PARTON leans forward to plant a kiss on his cheek. BLOBBY reverts to old habits and motorboats the country legend.
BLOBBY eats a well-deserved slap.
EXIT PARTON
BLOBBY rounds the corner and is met by a wall of televisions comprising one large EDMONDS broadcast.
The sound of a kettle boiling on a stove blows his cover.
BLOBBY knows that he has less than four minutes. He dives through the wall of NAKATOMI TVs and rolls down the stairs to be met by a man.
That man is BOB HOLLY.
Two HIPPIES are taken out by a dropkick.
BLOBBY nods enthusiastically.
BLOBBY nails him with a lariat so stiff that Stan Hansen’s eyesight improved.
Entering the KITCHEN. BLOBBY meets eyes with EDMONDS.
BLOBBY wears the sherbert like a nosebag.
The counter hits zero. Nothing but a fizzle.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: JACKSONVILLE HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR
FADE IN FROM BLACK
BLOBBY comes to. A NAKATOMI TV is in front of him. As if by magic, it explodes into life.
NOEL EDMONDS
Well, Blob, this is what it has come down to. As you can see, I’ve restrained you so that you can focus.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
Now, here is where we’re at. I left the house for one hour. I figured the Blanket Fort would make you feel at home in the environment, would make you lose any fear you had going into the match but...predictably, you went over the top. This is just like the Nunnery in 1996 all over again.
BLOBBY smiles at the memory, the Nuns started with hope in their soul and by the end of the night they had soap in their...well, we don’t need to go into details, we’re on a word-count limit and precious words are drained by endless narration, and song lyrics.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
If there is one thing that is up there with Welsh people and their stupid singy-songy language, it’s hippies. They don’t contribute, they don’t do anything, they can’t make decisions and most importantly, they never have a TV license and thus missed me in Swap Shop, Telly Addicts, my House Party and Deal or No Deal! Wasters to a man! You brought them into my home, you literally opened the door and since I’ve gotten back all I’ve heard is endless songs that are Pagan folk or whatever twaddle involves a drum circle!
The songs continue faintly in the background.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
So, I suppose now is the time, if ever there was a time, for some home truths. I am holed up somewhere in this house. In my possession is five kilos of pure, Colombian-grade sherbert! Yeah, I know. Ironic, huh? The Swiss and Belgians have chocolate as their confectionary that they mastered, turns out the Colombians decided that this might be the legal way to put their stereotype to good use!
EDMONDS points to a large bag of the white stuff. BLOBBY’s eyes grow dilated.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
Have you ever seen a hippie wrestle?
MR BLOBBY
BLOBBILL, BLOBBIL!
NOEL EDMONDS
No, I know what you’re going to say and Buzzkill doesn’t count. Mike Boyette doesn’t count either, Verne Gagne was playing a show to four people and Nick Bockwinkel by that point! We need to be in tip-top shape to face The Guardians. You need to be at the top of your game, like a reincarnation of Rikidozan and Bruiser Brody. I...I need to be able to plot and scheme. You know this! How can I plot and scheme when the longest conversation I’ve heard in the last six hours was around global legalization of marajuana? I don’t want Burrows’ heel driven into my head but that’s what’s going to happen! You’re going to make that happen!!
EDMONDS moves the camera to show a countdown clock.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
You have fifteen minutes before the Blanket Fort goes BOOM! Oh yeah, I lied about not rigging the explosives, you NEED a live combat environment, Blob ! All you have to do is get rid of the hippies. Now, for reasons that are largely plot driven and in a bid to add some form of drama to the issue...I’ve got two spies in here. Well, I say spies, one is THE dropkick king of wrestling and the other is a Southern Belle...relax, Rue McClanahan has been brown bread for the last eleven years and besides, I couldn’t get the paperwork cleared so quickly to exhume the body…
BLOBBY can be seen doing the mental gymnastics in his head for how he can stop them and score that sweet white gold.
NOEL EDMONDS
Oh, and because I have a heart, I’ve got you a new t-shirt for the occasion. It’s behind you. Now, get rid of the hippies!!
The recording goes to static as BLOBBY quickly unties the dressing gown cord and picks up the t-shirt, it reads ‘I HAVE A MACHINE GUN NOW. HO HO HO’. Noel has clearly being illegally streaming 80s action movies again.
BLOBBY realizes he needs to pass water. He looks for the tissue paper but finds only the three shells.
BLOBBY panics.
BLOBBY grabs a shell and opens it to fill the shell with urine. The following two shells go down the same way proving that Demolition Man was not the prediction of the future it appeared to be in the 90s.
Opening the door, BLOBBY is confronted by a sea of hippies.
HIPPY #1
Hey man, do you not think that we’re all just one collective consciousne-
BLOBBY has no time for the makings of a circular argument. He yeets the Hippy into the wall of the fort, setting off a tremor effect around the rest of the Blanket Fort.
Another NAKATOMI TV bursts into life.
NOEL EDMONDS
Good! Embrace the hate, Blobby! Burrows thinks I abuse you, how very dare she kink-shame my Blob? We’ve got the belts, they want the belts but who better to enter a match so ridiculous that even Swann turned his nose up at it than a septuagenarian and a novelty dildo personified in yourself? You’ve been crafted out the very finest of Dusty Rhodes’ WWF wardrobe, you are comprised of the very best in mid-eighties short-sighted booking! You have a dream, we have to hold onto it and ride it to the sky!
Another HIPPY approaches BLOBBY.
HIPPY #2
You’re harshing my vibe, dude…
BLOBBY puts the head of the hippy though the television.
Like a badly recreated Resident Evil port, another HIPPY stumbles into view. He passes a cellphone to Blobby and the EDMONDS stream continues.
NOEL EDMONDS
That television is coming out of your winner’s bonus, Blob! Do you know how dire straits we’re in? TEN MINUTES to go! I’m prepared to go sky-high with this one!
MR BLOBBY
BLOBBY! BLOBBY! BLOBSCO!
NOEL EDMONDS
Jabroni and Disco are with me, well they’re not here this week so I’ll catch them up! They’d agree though that the last thing we need on the Network is ANOTHER belt in FIRESIDE! Burrows is intolerable, Cochrane is intolerable but Caffrey? He’d be intolerable and you know what would happen? BB Gunn would then be intolerable and then we all know what happens….The Mongolorian comes out and starts to read us the riot act, no-one wants that! The Guardians think that they’re superior wrestlers and you know what? They are! But they’re consistently underwhelming when they get together. If they were a cinematic superhero group they’d be The Fantastic Four! Look great on paper but no matter what, they always fuck it up at the box office!
BLOBBY lifts up the HIPPY in a chokehold. He is clearly raging.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
They say we’ve never defended the belts before, it’s our first defence! They’re just jealous that you’re a lock for the Best Face on the Network and I’ll of course be a shoe-in for the most popular category! Remember when Jabroni made us watch the awards last year? Adrien and Adam were unbearable, just imagine if they had something to actually shout about this year! Now, I’ll be back soon. You’re about to get a visit from the Southern Belle...be afraid, Blob!
Dropping the HIPPY, BLOBBY is alerted to a commotion as multiple HIPPYs sale through the air from round the corner.
Enter DOLLY PARTON.
DOLLY PARTON
Well, Blobby! If I do declare it myself! What? Were you expecting Scarlet O’Hara?
BLOBBY smiles. Vivien Leigh was definitely in the guilty pleasure wank-bank of his formative years.
DOLLY PARTON (CONT’D)
You need to save the day, Blobby! Hippies and their free love, no rules philosophy will ruin the world one day! Kind of like the free love, no rules philosophy of The Guardians when it comes to the ‘any one of us can tag’ nonsense. It’s madness, you can’t save the world like that. You do it with good old fashioned music and endless, superhuman contributions to help the needy and poor!
MR BLOBBY
BLOBBY! BLOBBY!
BLOBBY pulls out a phone and shows that last week he took part in the BBC’s Children in Need fundraiser.
DOLLY PARTON
FORTY MILLION POUNDS! Why Blobby!
PARTON leans forward to plant a kiss on his cheek. BLOBBY reverts to old habits and motorboats the country legend.
BLOBBY eats a well-deserved slap.
EXIT PARTON
BLOBBY rounds the corner and is met by a wall of televisions comprising one large EDMONDS broadcast.
NOEL EDMONDS
Well, Blob, I knew you’d find some way to fuck it up. Who gets slapped by Dolly Parton? Anyways, we’ll call it a rehearsal for the big match. Natalie thinks she’s going to teach us a lesson, she is literally bringing her fists to a bomb fight. She might be able to out-wrestle me but when did you last read about someone punching their way to victory over plastic explosives? Now, you’re close but five minutes, Blob. You’ll never know where I am.
The sound of a kettle boiling on a stove blows his cover.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT'D)
Bugger...Blob, we need this win. We need to do it for everyone who is sick of The Guardians, which is everyone who isn’t a Guardian. We need to do it because I’ve bet your next paycheck on Tarrasque at the FWA event and let's be clear, we can do some serious damage to the Cajun twit in this match. He can have the ignominy of not just losing a shot that he worked to earn and then tried to finagle to victory by ‘challenging the weaker team’ but he can watch as Von Krauss laughs and Tarrasque has that big meaty-meat hand of his raised in victory!
BLOBBY knows that he has less than four minutes. He dives through the wall of NAKATOMI TVs and rolls down the stairs to be met by a man.
That man is BOB HOLLY.
BOB HOLLY
Don’t they teach you respect, boy! You didn’t even shake my hand as you fell down the stairs! I have the best dropkick in the business. Your partner? He shook my hand and called me the dropkick king, you know why?
MR BLOBBY
Blob, blobby, Blob, Blobrane….
BOB HOLLY
No, not to get under Cochrane’s skin, but because it’s true. Watch!
Two HIPPIES are taken out by a dropkick.
BOB HOLLY
Did you see the height? The finesse? That’s why Vince gave me the money to go racing, because I have a great dropkick!
MR BLOBBY (under his breath)
Blobby, Blob, Blo….Blu…
BOB HOLLY
Did you just say that I had the emotional range of Subject 42?
BLOBBY nods enthusiastically.
BOB HOLLY
I'll show you why Bradshaw never soaped me up in the shower!
BLOBBY nails him with a lariat so stiff that Stan Hansen’s eyesight improved.
Entering the KITCHEN. BLOBBY meets eyes with EDMONDS.
NOEL EDMONDS
Blobby, don’t do anything rash. Here, have the sherbert. It’s too late now, the bomb requires you to complete a sudoku first, not a difficult one but still you have less than two minutes. THEN, you have to complete a captcha.
BLOBBY wears the sherbert like a nosebag.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
It’s too late, but the Hippies will fall. More importantly, we’ve gotten into The Guardians heads. Did you not think the lady doth protest too much in her promo? Did she not seem put out? You’re going to enter that ring high on life and also the sherbert but that just means that you will go HAM, Blobert.
The counter hits zero. Nothing but a fizzle.
NOEL EDMONDS (infuriated)
This is the last time I ask Tony Khan to hook me up with experts...
