NLW Post Show with Brittany April #2
Dec 1, 2021 20:58:35 GMT -5
Curtis D. Kanyon, Robbie A, and 4 more like this
Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2021 20:58:35 GMT -5
Cue into a desk with NLW’s own Brittany April sitting behind it looking like a professional newscaster. She has a tablet in front of her instead of papers this time as she looks at the camera, ready to get this post show going.
Brittany April: “Wow, what a night we had on Saturday night at the Smoothie King Center for Homecoming II. It was a stellar evening of professional wrestling with all sorts of various types to satisfy any fan watching. We had death matches, we had blanket fort death matches, we had a hype tag team title match and both singles titles were on the line! If you missed it, watch the damn replay before watching this. Or don’t. I’m not your supervisor.”
Insert the Archer video right here.
Brittany April: “Shout out to Drag for the awesome intro hype video, oops breaking the fourth wall here. It was awesome and he does some great work, so shout out to him!”
Only the second show and we’re still breaking that wall.
Brittany April: “Dan Simmons and Tommy West welcome us to the show and go over what we saw on the night. We opened up with ‘Popcorn Shrimp’ man himself, Sexton Love taking on the fiery, sassy and huggable Eli Dresden. Sexton’s homage to the 1980s was a sight to behold with Dresden’s bloody face airbrushed on his tights. Eli didn’t care for it and sold it about as much as an e-fedder does a loss.”
A scroll comes on the screen that says we’re sorry about the fourth wall breaking but it’s all in good fun, stop being a shit.
Brittany April: “Eli came out like a house of fire and got the better of… do I really have to say this…? … Goddammit okay. Tyrannosaurs Sex tried to use his size advantage but Eli’s speed was a bit too much until he used a big back suplex to smush her and used that power to his own advantage. Eli never says die, and if she did, that trident would kill her opponents first, but she uses that aerial assault to keep pressure on Love.
A closed fist, an illegal move mind you, put Love in control as he wore her down with his powerful attack and nearly got a win with the… Really? Do I have to… Motherfucker… he hit the Sex Plex for a nearfall. Another nearfall came after Love From Above but Eli nearly stole it with a small package. He nearly got a win again with the Love Lock, completely with puke inducing crotch thrusts like he’s goddamn Duff Man!”
Everyone pops for The Simpsons, shut up.
Brittany April: “Eli began to fire back and used that speed to nearly get the win a couple of times before stomping on his cup-covered popcorn shrimp. I thought she had it with the OMFN but Love got his shoulder up. Some ringside shenanigans happened as Eddie Walker got taken out, sad face. Eli nearly got the win again but Sexton stole one with the tights. What a load of crap that he got the win over my girl. It was a really entertaining match and a great way to start Homecoming II even if popcorn shrimp won.”
A graphic shows up on screen with a three star out of five rating. Totally didn’t steal this from Wrestling With Wregret. Nope.
Brittany April: “The Bang Bros team of Curtis Kanyon, yay, and Steve Awesome, boo, came down to cut a little promo because they wanted to send a message to the Crinkly Bottle Boys and put on a little match that was a thing. The Soggy Tops Men were however old they were after this match. It was a massacre and something we could’ve done without but XHF has always shoehorned shitheads like Steve Awesome in wherever they can. I award this match no stars and may God have mercy on these souls.”
The graphic for BANG! Bros against Soggy Tops Men has no stars lit up on it.
Brittany April: I don’t know who Nathan Parker is and I felt bad for the kid who wanted some food out of his food truck. Parker appears to be yet another parade of assholes who will parade around wrestling thinking they’re cool for being an asshole. Lovely.”
She rolls her eyes and moves on with life.
Brittany April: “I’m not entirely sure what I saw out of the Blanket Fort Death Match, really. It was like an episode of Community and pro wrestling mixed together. Of course, I would’ve liked seeing Donald Glover but hey, can’t have everything. I’m not sure how to talk or rate this match because it’s just one of those spectacles that has to be seen.
I will say I was really entertained by watching this match. It was different, it was funky and something you don’t see all that often. Adrien and Natalie were such a great couple of people to watch and I nearly found myself rooting for them before remembering I put $5,000 down on the Crinkly Bottom Boys to win.”
A text scrolls saying NLW does not condone betting on matches you aren’t a part of please. If you have a gambling addiction, please seek help.
Brittany April: “Between the exploding parts of the match, the wrestling and trying to find the XHF Tag Team Titles, it was a blast, no pun intended. Eventually Blobby finds the titles to retain. Again, this…. This is just something that has to be seen to be enjoyed. I won’t rate it like a normal match, but my god what a fun time.”
A quick commercial break for the next big XHF Global Event, Xtreme X-Mas. After it cuts back to Brittany who just placed a diaper bag away. SHE HAS KIDS YANNO! Cute kids too.
Brittany April: “Whew boy. Third match of the night was the unsanctioned match between Tommy Kelly and Nathan Cage. This is one where you put the kiddos to be early and prepare for a damned blood bath and that’s what we certainly got! Cage couldn’t even wait for the match to start and jumped him during the entrance. Cage did make me laugh when he yelled DING DING MOTHERFUCKER WHERE YO’ ASS GOIN. Nathan Cage is a national treasure despite his tendency to want to kill everything. Dude would probably elbow drop a burrito.”
Brittany giggled a little bit and sipped some coffee. Peppermint mocha for those wondering.
Brittany April: “This match was brutal as hell. I mean, Tommy Kelly ate shit for a while with a piledriver on the floor and still somehow back suplexed Cage on the steps. And it only got more insane from there! If you’re not a fan of violence you probably will skip the rest of the recap, but for us violence lovers, oh my gawd! These two just kept laying into one another AND PULL OUT A PRISON SHANK! Move over fork, we have a new favorite.”
Another sip of coffee.
Brittany April: “I mean, jesus christ, Cage tried to carve his name into Tommy’s head! It was like watching Michael Myers trying to kill a horny teenager having sex in his house! Tommy was all like bro it’s gonna take more than that to keep me down and hit a brutal brainbuster on the apron. We had people biting each other and it kept on escalating like a great match should. Nathan got the win with the Death By Cage THROUGH GLASS PANES HOLY SMOKES! I haven’t seen anyone go through glass since my brothers had a death match and nearly killed one another.”
No one cares about yo’ family bitch. According to Twitter anyways.
Brittany April: “This was 16 minutes of war and it was amazing. This was a huge win for Nathan Cage and I could see him challenging for the Southern States or even NLW Title soon. Sign me up on this dude’s hype train!”
FIVE. STAR. MATCH. Rating graphic shows up.
Brittany April: “Oh hey a Rob Arnold promo. It’s about as exciting as a warm glass of milk. I kid, I kid. He spoke to Michelle Hoss, I think that’s her name, about the stuff going on with BB Gunn, the E.V.E. stuff and god knows what else. I had to go change a diaper when I watched this the first time. Either way, he STOLE my dad’s bit about kicking someone’s head in. Dick.”
Another sip as an ad airs for NLW in general highlighting the two new champions along with the other winners from Homecoming II, and then a brief hype for Open Fight Night coming up. Then a final ad for Brittany’s Twitch Channel.
Brittany April: “Well, the Southern States Championship match was next and lemme tell you, this was another epic match and that’s just not me being biased towards big brother. Chris and Thespian tore the house down. Both thought they were a little overlooked leading up to this show and they wanted to prove a damn point, and prove it they did!”
Oh hey, another sip of coffee.
Brittany April: “What other match has ever started with two dudes just blasting each other with european uppercuts?! Both got a close call early on and just kept trading pins back and forth like the technical wizards they are. AND THEN BIG BROTHER DID A GODDAMN THING WITH HIS SOMERSAULT PLANCHA OVER THE RING POST! He hasn’t done that in years so that tells you how much he wanted to show out.”
Naturally she shows a replay of that move. Fuck you this is my show.
Brittany April: “Big brother nearly got the title with his Untitled Finale III into the heckin’ turnbuckles but Thespian showed a lot of heart and fire getting a hand on the ropes. Thespian then put Chris down with a huge knee to the chin. What a damn match though. I talked to Chris after and he was upset but also had a lot of great things to say about Thespian’s in ring ability. He earned his respect!”
Four stars show up on screen. She’s not totally biased now.
Brittany April: “Bloodied Fox announced his intent to go for the X*Crown Championship at Supremacy, representing NLW. Of course right now the title is held by my Uncle Spike, who I never got to meet but he’s a tough dude, also dead too, but hey, this family is hard to kill.”
A small hype video for Bloodied Fox followed.
Brittany April: “Okay, NLW Tag Titles were decided as The End took on The New South. The End won. Life sucks. I hoped The New South would have won but hey, I’ll give credit to The End, they worked together real well. Mehrunes Smith, as much as I hate that stupid mask he wears in his entrance, can go in the ring. He and Fargo were able to take control early and work over Beau Traywick. However, Waylon Kirk finally got in and was a HOUSE. OF. FIRE.”
A huge hot tag Jesus text comes on screen.
Brittany April: “The match eventually just became more and more insane with close call after close call. I thought it was over after Traywick’s shooting star press. The End won after the Blacksky Eye but The New South has nothing to be ashamed of after that match. Everyone worked their asses off.”
Another four star graphic pops up.
Brittany April: “Then it was time for the main event of the evening as NLW Champion Leon Chant defended against Ricardo Goon who got the shot by winning the NLW G1 Tournament. Chant showed his power early and Goon used less than ideal means to do some slippery shit.”
Sip of coffee.
Brittany April: “Goon worked over NLW’s powerhouse champion for a bit but Leon came back with a boot and a powerslam, looking amazing while doing it too! A big lariat could’ve been it but David Goon popped up and took out the official. The Goons did their tag team shit but Riley Richards, bless his heart, helped out his friend. However, some trips to Dick Kick City hurt Chant and soon lost.”
She sighed much like the Smoothie King Center did that night. Three stars popped up on the screen.
Brittany April: “And that was it for Homecoming II. What an amazing night with so many great matches. I’d give this show an Easy A starring Emma Stone.”
A giant poster of the Easy A movie poster popped up.
Brittany April: “Now we put our attention to Ascendancy XXVI on December 11th. Five great singles matches will be on tap starting with Nathan Parker against Cheez. Nathan Parker will want to make a statement and Cheez is always an underdog. However, Parker has a lot to prove and I feel bad for Cheez cuz Parker is gonna take this one!”
Graphics for the next match, Keahi Sparks against Scott Fargo.
Brittany April: “Fargo will be riding high after winning the tag titles and Sparks still has to be beaming after that win over Bloodied Fox a few weeks ago. Call me crazy but I think Sparks gets her second straight upset!”
Up next is Devin Mitchell against Al Jabroni.
Brittany April: “This is a tough one. Mitchell is coming off a tough loss against my brother a while back and Jabroni, despite his name, is always a threat to come through. I think Mitchell has something to prove after that loss against Chris and will take down big Al.”
Leon Chant against Adam Sanders is next.
Brittany April: “This is an interesting match. Leon should be in a horrible mood after losing his championship but Adam Sanders is always a threat to get a victory. Much like Devin Mitchell, I think Leon will come out with a chip on his shoulder and look to rebound with a victory.”
And now the main event graphic between Bloodied Fox and Felix.
Brittany April: “And the main event is super interesting to me. Fox is going to get a shot at the X*Crown soon and Felix could really look to get a big-time win and get some momentum to build his stock even further. Both of these wrestlers are really good and it’s a toss up. Logic says Fox should come out ready to go after getting upset in his last match in NLW and with that title shot, but maybe there’s a case of looking too far ahead which could cause a second upset. Felix is a good up and comer, but Fox has to win.”
Brittany took another sip of her coffee and offered a warm, final smile.
Brittany April: “Thank you for tuning into the second post show with me. I hope you enjoyed it. We’ll be back after Ascendancy XXVI with another recap and look ahead to the final event of the year, Open Fight Night as someone will get a shot at the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, Florida Man!”
And with that, we fade away.
Brittany April: “Wow, what a night we had on Saturday night at the Smoothie King Center for Homecoming II. It was a stellar evening of professional wrestling with all sorts of various types to satisfy any fan watching. We had death matches, we had blanket fort death matches, we had a hype tag team title match and both singles titles were on the line! If you missed it, watch the damn replay before watching this. Or don’t. I’m not your supervisor.”
Insert the Archer video right here.
Brittany April: “Shout out to Drag for the awesome intro hype video, oops breaking the fourth wall here. It was awesome and he does some great work, so shout out to him!”
Only the second show and we’re still breaking that wall.
Brittany April: “Dan Simmons and Tommy West welcome us to the show and go over what we saw on the night. We opened up with ‘Popcorn Shrimp’ man himself, Sexton Love taking on the fiery, sassy and huggable Eli Dresden. Sexton’s homage to the 1980s was a sight to behold with Dresden’s bloody face airbrushed on his tights. Eli didn’t care for it and sold it about as much as an e-fedder does a loss.”
A scroll comes on the screen that says we’re sorry about the fourth wall breaking but it’s all in good fun, stop being a shit.
Brittany April: “Eli came out like a house of fire and got the better of… do I really have to say this…? … Goddammit okay. Tyrannosaurs Sex tried to use his size advantage but Eli’s speed was a bit too much until he used a big back suplex to smush her and used that power to his own advantage. Eli never says die, and if she did, that trident would kill her opponents first, but she uses that aerial assault to keep pressure on Love.
A closed fist, an illegal move mind you, put Love in control as he wore her down with his powerful attack and nearly got a win with the… Really? Do I have to… Motherfucker… he hit the Sex Plex for a nearfall. Another nearfall came after Love From Above but Eli nearly stole it with a small package. He nearly got a win again with the Love Lock, completely with puke inducing crotch thrusts like he’s goddamn Duff Man!”
Everyone pops for The Simpsons, shut up.
Brittany April: “Eli began to fire back and used that speed to nearly get the win a couple of times before stomping on his cup-covered popcorn shrimp. I thought she had it with the OMFN but Love got his shoulder up. Some ringside shenanigans happened as Eddie Walker got taken out, sad face. Eli nearly got the win again but Sexton stole one with the tights. What a load of crap that he got the win over my girl. It was a really entertaining match and a great way to start Homecoming II even if popcorn shrimp won.”
A graphic shows up on screen with a three star out of five rating. Totally didn’t steal this from Wrestling With Wregret. Nope.
Brittany April: “The Bang Bros team of Curtis Kanyon, yay, and Steve Awesome, boo, came down to cut a little promo because they wanted to send a message to the Crinkly Bottle Boys and put on a little match that was a thing. The Soggy Tops Men were however old they were after this match. It was a massacre and something we could’ve done without but XHF has always shoehorned shitheads like Steve Awesome in wherever they can. I award this match no stars and may God have mercy on these souls.”
The graphic for BANG! Bros against Soggy Tops Men has no stars lit up on it.
Brittany April: I don’t know who Nathan Parker is and I felt bad for the kid who wanted some food out of his food truck. Parker appears to be yet another parade of assholes who will parade around wrestling thinking they’re cool for being an asshole. Lovely.”
She rolls her eyes and moves on with life.
Brittany April: “I’m not entirely sure what I saw out of the Blanket Fort Death Match, really. It was like an episode of Community and pro wrestling mixed together. Of course, I would’ve liked seeing Donald Glover but hey, can’t have everything. I’m not sure how to talk or rate this match because it’s just one of those spectacles that has to be seen.
I will say I was really entertained by watching this match. It was different, it was funky and something you don’t see all that often. Adrien and Natalie were such a great couple of people to watch and I nearly found myself rooting for them before remembering I put $5,000 down on the Crinkly Bottom Boys to win.”
A text scrolls saying NLW does not condone betting on matches you aren’t a part of please. If you have a gambling addiction, please seek help.
Brittany April: “Between the exploding parts of the match, the wrestling and trying to find the XHF Tag Team Titles, it was a blast, no pun intended. Eventually Blobby finds the titles to retain. Again, this…. This is just something that has to be seen to be enjoyed. I won’t rate it like a normal match, but my god what a fun time.”
A quick commercial break for the next big XHF Global Event, Xtreme X-Mas. After it cuts back to Brittany who just placed a diaper bag away. SHE HAS KIDS YANNO! Cute kids too.
Brittany April: “Whew boy. Third match of the night was the unsanctioned match between Tommy Kelly and Nathan Cage. This is one where you put the kiddos to be early and prepare for a damned blood bath and that’s what we certainly got! Cage couldn’t even wait for the match to start and jumped him during the entrance. Cage did make me laugh when he yelled DING DING MOTHERFUCKER WHERE YO’ ASS GOIN. Nathan Cage is a national treasure despite his tendency to want to kill everything. Dude would probably elbow drop a burrito.”
Brittany giggled a little bit and sipped some coffee. Peppermint mocha for those wondering.
Brittany April: “This match was brutal as hell. I mean, Tommy Kelly ate shit for a while with a piledriver on the floor and still somehow back suplexed Cage on the steps. And it only got more insane from there! If you’re not a fan of violence you probably will skip the rest of the recap, but for us violence lovers, oh my gawd! These two just kept laying into one another AND PULL OUT A PRISON SHANK! Move over fork, we have a new favorite.”
Another sip of coffee.
Brittany April: “I mean, jesus christ, Cage tried to carve his name into Tommy’s head! It was like watching Michael Myers trying to kill a horny teenager having sex in his house! Tommy was all like bro it’s gonna take more than that to keep me down and hit a brutal brainbuster on the apron. We had people biting each other and it kept on escalating like a great match should. Nathan got the win with the Death By Cage THROUGH GLASS PANES HOLY SMOKES! I haven’t seen anyone go through glass since my brothers had a death match and nearly killed one another.”
No one cares about yo’ family bitch. According to Twitter anyways.
Brittany April: “This was 16 minutes of war and it was amazing. This was a huge win for Nathan Cage and I could see him challenging for the Southern States or even NLW Title soon. Sign me up on this dude’s hype train!”
FIVE. STAR. MATCH. Rating graphic shows up.
Brittany April: “Oh hey a Rob Arnold promo. It’s about as exciting as a warm glass of milk. I kid, I kid. He spoke to Michelle Hoss, I think that’s her name, about the stuff going on with BB Gunn, the E.V.E. stuff and god knows what else. I had to go change a diaper when I watched this the first time. Either way, he STOLE my dad’s bit about kicking someone’s head in. Dick.”
Another sip as an ad airs for NLW in general highlighting the two new champions along with the other winners from Homecoming II, and then a brief hype for Open Fight Night coming up. Then a final ad for Brittany’s Twitch Channel.
Brittany April: “Well, the Southern States Championship match was next and lemme tell you, this was another epic match and that’s just not me being biased towards big brother. Chris and Thespian tore the house down. Both thought they were a little overlooked leading up to this show and they wanted to prove a damn point, and prove it they did!”
Oh hey, another sip of coffee.
Brittany April: “What other match has ever started with two dudes just blasting each other with european uppercuts?! Both got a close call early on and just kept trading pins back and forth like the technical wizards they are. AND THEN BIG BROTHER DID A GODDAMN THING WITH HIS SOMERSAULT PLANCHA OVER THE RING POST! He hasn’t done that in years so that tells you how much he wanted to show out.”
Naturally she shows a replay of that move. Fuck you this is my show.
Brittany April: “Big brother nearly got the title with his Untitled Finale III into the heckin’ turnbuckles but Thespian showed a lot of heart and fire getting a hand on the ropes. Thespian then put Chris down with a huge knee to the chin. What a damn match though. I talked to Chris after and he was upset but also had a lot of great things to say about Thespian’s in ring ability. He earned his respect!”
Four stars show up on screen. She’s not totally biased now.
Brittany April: “Bloodied Fox announced his intent to go for the X*Crown Championship at Supremacy, representing NLW. Of course right now the title is held by my Uncle Spike, who I never got to meet but he’s a tough dude, also dead too, but hey, this family is hard to kill.”
A small hype video for Bloodied Fox followed.
Brittany April: “Okay, NLW Tag Titles were decided as The End took on The New South. The End won. Life sucks. I hoped The New South would have won but hey, I’ll give credit to The End, they worked together real well. Mehrunes Smith, as much as I hate that stupid mask he wears in his entrance, can go in the ring. He and Fargo were able to take control early and work over Beau Traywick. However, Waylon Kirk finally got in and was a HOUSE. OF. FIRE.”
A huge hot tag Jesus text comes on screen.
Brittany April: “The match eventually just became more and more insane with close call after close call. I thought it was over after Traywick’s shooting star press. The End won after the Blacksky Eye but The New South has nothing to be ashamed of after that match. Everyone worked their asses off.”
Another four star graphic pops up.
Brittany April: “Then it was time for the main event of the evening as NLW Champion Leon Chant defended against Ricardo Goon who got the shot by winning the NLW G1 Tournament. Chant showed his power early and Goon used less than ideal means to do some slippery shit.”
Sip of coffee.
Brittany April: “Goon worked over NLW’s powerhouse champion for a bit but Leon came back with a boot and a powerslam, looking amazing while doing it too! A big lariat could’ve been it but David Goon popped up and took out the official. The Goons did their tag team shit but Riley Richards, bless his heart, helped out his friend. However, some trips to Dick Kick City hurt Chant and soon lost.”
She sighed much like the Smoothie King Center did that night. Three stars popped up on the screen.
Brittany April: “And that was it for Homecoming II. What an amazing night with so many great matches. I’d give this show an Easy A starring Emma Stone.”
A giant poster of the Easy A movie poster popped up.
Brittany April: “Now we put our attention to Ascendancy XXVI on December 11th. Five great singles matches will be on tap starting with Nathan Parker against Cheez. Nathan Parker will want to make a statement and Cheez is always an underdog. However, Parker has a lot to prove and I feel bad for Cheez cuz Parker is gonna take this one!”
Graphics for the next match, Keahi Sparks against Scott Fargo.
Brittany April: “Fargo will be riding high after winning the tag titles and Sparks still has to be beaming after that win over Bloodied Fox a few weeks ago. Call me crazy but I think Sparks gets her second straight upset!”
Up next is Devin Mitchell against Al Jabroni.
Brittany April: “This is a tough one. Mitchell is coming off a tough loss against my brother a while back and Jabroni, despite his name, is always a threat to come through. I think Mitchell has something to prove after that loss against Chris and will take down big Al.”
Leon Chant against Adam Sanders is next.
Brittany April: “This is an interesting match. Leon should be in a horrible mood after losing his championship but Adam Sanders is always a threat to get a victory. Much like Devin Mitchell, I think Leon will come out with a chip on his shoulder and look to rebound with a victory.”
And now the main event graphic between Bloodied Fox and Felix.
Brittany April: “And the main event is super interesting to me. Fox is going to get a shot at the X*Crown soon and Felix could really look to get a big-time win and get some momentum to build his stock even further. Both of these wrestlers are really good and it’s a toss up. Logic says Fox should come out ready to go after getting upset in his last match in NLW and with that title shot, but maybe there’s a case of looking too far ahead which could cause a second upset. Felix is a good up and comer, but Fox has to win.”
Brittany took another sip of her coffee and offered a warm, final smile.
Brittany April: “Thank you for tuning into the second post show with me. I hope you enjoyed it. We’ll be back after Ascendancy XXVI with another recap and look ahead to the final event of the year, Open Fight Night as someone will get a shot at the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, Florida Man!”
And with that, we fade away.