The CBB Christmas Special #1 [OVN]
Dec 22, 2021 12:06:14 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Steve Awesome, and 3 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Dec 22, 2021 12:06:14 GMT -5
INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY
OVER BLACK
TITLE: CHEGWIN WAS DEAD, TO BEGIN WITH. THERE IS NO DOUBT WHATEVER ABOUT THAT
EDMONDS and BLOBBY are in front of the television. EDMONDS paces with menace as BLOBBY frantically scribbles down notes at a furious speed.
BLOBBY looks despairingly at EDMONDS.
BLOBBY holds up his notepad, it reads:
The screen starts to dissolve into a dream sequence.
EDMONDS backhands BLOBBY back into reality.
EDMONDS gestures to equipment ranging from a generator with jump leads attached to a flame-retardant suit next to some gasoline.
BLOBBY dips his head and turns back to the movie.
BLOBBY’s head dips.
A knock at the door is heard and EDMONDS exits.
Approaching the door, a cruel look, far more cruel than usual, forms on EDMONDS face.
He opens the door and a sickly looking kid stands at the door.
SICKLY KID looks confused.
The mouth on SICKLY KID drops.
SICKLY KID nods.
EDMONEZEER reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ten dollar bill.
EDMONEEZER slams the door shut.
INT. JABRONI’S BASEMENT - DAY
The darkness of the basement is broken only by the spare glow of a waning candle.
BLOB CRATCHITT sits at a bureau with EDMONEEZER bearing down on him with a scornful look.
BLOB CRATCHITT lets out an alarmed noise.
BLOB CRATCHITT holds back tears.
INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - NIGHT
EDMONEEZER enters his bedroom in darkness, an oil lamp illuminating his nightgown and cap.
EDMONEEZER climbs into bed, setting aside the oil lamp on the nightstand and extinguishing it.
EDMONEEZER shuts his eyes, if only for a moment.
EDMONEEZER wakes up.
In front of him is a ghastly apparition of his old television chum, Keith Chegwin. The years since his death have not been kind, his jaw hung on solely by a wrap that goes around his head to help him speak despite the rot. Long and heavy chains hang around him, stooping him.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE now looks even more terrified than whence he first saw CHEGWIN.
CHEGWIN recedes into the night air.
EDMONEEZER shakes his head dismissively and closes his eyes.
*KNOCK*
*KNOCK*
*KNOCK*
OVER BLACK
TITLE: CHEGWIN WAS DEAD, TO BEGIN WITH. THERE IS NO DOUBT WHATEVER ABOUT THAT
DISSOLVE INTO:
NOEL EDMONDS
Blobby, you’re not working hard enough, you’re the workhorse of this operation, the lifeblood of it but I’m the brains. You should be thankful for that, if you want to know what could have happened to you - Google Aaron Carter, but do that on your own time…
BLOBBY looks despairingly at EDMONDS.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT'D)
Look, Blob, you can’t go home early to your family, we have priorities. That’s how it works around here, we get booked, we turn up, we wrestle. It’s award season and Papa wants a shiny new toy. A shiny toy that I can ram up the backside of the Head of the BBC but also, the prestige and the acclaim - don’t you miss that, Blob?
SAL BANDINI (O.S.)
Don’t let up until you hear cartilage snap, or they crap their pants!
BLOBBY holds up his notepad, it reads:
THIS MOVIE MAKES ME WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!
The screen starts to dissolve into a dream sequence.
EDMONDS backhands BLOBBY back into reality.
NOEL EDMONDS
NO! We are not doing A Wonderful Life! The reality is this - we’re in the most dangerous cage match ever invented at Oh Violent Night! You need to understand cage matches better than anyone ever has! You want Muraco vs Snuka? You have to earn it! You want Hart vs Hart at Summerslam? You have to watch the clunkers like the Kennel from Hell match!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB! BLOBBB!!!!!
NOEL EDMONDS
Yes, I know two of them feature David Arquette but that only helps us. It’s torturous, it features Vince Russo and it’s never going to get anything but a Gooker but by God, if the Bang Bros think they can grind us down and make us give in from the pain and suffering? Little Dewey from Scream can get us there!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!
NOEL EDMONDS
You know the alternative, Blob…
EDMONDS gestures to equipment ranging from a generator with jump leads attached to a flame-retardant suit next to some gasoline.
NOEL EDMONDS
Is your skin resistant to fire?
BLOBBY dips his head and turns back to the movie.
NOEL EDMONDS
I didn’t think so…now back to watching Ready to Rumble!
BLOBBY’s head dips.
A knock at the door is heard and EDMONDS exits.
Approaching the door, a cruel look, far more cruel than usual, forms on EDMONDS face.
He opens the door and a sickly looking kid stands at the door.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
What?
SICKLY KID
G-g-good evening, sir. Merry Christmas to you and your own!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
What do you want?
SICKLY KID
I’m here on behalf of the Make a Wish Foundation, have you heard of it, sir?
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE (dryly)
Do I get to make a wish?
SICKLY KID
No, sir. The Make a Wish Foundation grants wishes to terminally ill children so that they can live out their last days having received an opportunity to do something to make everything better…I was one until a miracle cure saved me, sir!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Hang about, so is this just to raise awareness, or do you want money? If it’s the latter, it seems like throwing money away. Hardly a lesson to be encouraging is it? Take my money and I’ll fritter it away like Steve Awesome does in that line on his budgets that reads ‘cast entertainment’ although, in that example, at least the sex worker industry can operate in safer environments!
SICKLY KID looks confused.
SICKLY KID
You’d be helping those whose hope of a full and long life has been taken from them by cruel and unstoppable forces…
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
You know what would be a better way to get me to give money? I’ll give you a grand, right now, I’ll cut the cheque. You let me kick a kid or take me to one of their bedsides and let me rip up their vouchers to swim with the dolphins!
The mouth on SICKLY KID drops.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Are we done here? I have an important match to get on with. Actually, are you going to visit them after we’re done here?
SICKLY KID nods.
EDMONEZEER reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ten dollar bill.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
I will give you this, on one condition. Not one red cent of it reaches a dolphin sanctuary or some space simulator or any of that twee garbage! It’s going to go to the XHF Network so they can all drink in the glory that is the Crinkly Bottom Boys retaining the titles against The Bang Bros in a Shitstorm Cage match…
SICKLY KID
Isn’t it actually ‘A Very Shitstorm Christmas Match, Sponsored by Shitstorm 3: Santa's Been Naughty; the movie, based on the musical, based on the play, plagiarised from the novel, in collaboration with Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon Pictures, in conjunction with the XHF Network, starring Steve Awesome, featuring Curtis Kanyon, Blobby, Noel Edmonds, and special appearance by Tom Cruise as the Dog.’?
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Are all former terminally-ill people this verbose? Take the money and piss off before I grab my Doc Martens!
EDMONEEZER slams the door shut.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
BLOBBY! NEW PLAN!
CUT TO:
INT. JABRONI’S BASEMENT - DAY
The darkness of the basement is broken only by the spare glow of a waning candle.
BLOB CRATCHITT sits at a bureau with EDMONEEZER bearing down on him with a scornful look.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Blob, you need to write about what you understand; technology is a drawback, not a benefit! Just be glad that my old partner, Keith Chegwin isn’t still around. We got stuff done like this, the old fashioned way, the honest way. If he had his way, you’d be getting waterboarded every hour on the hour and your only respite would be being fed the dry ingredients for gruel and, if you were lucky, you’d have the luxury of wood shavings to add texture! You know what he’d say? That I spoil you, Blob, and he’d be right!
BLOB CRATCHITT lets out an alarmed noise.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE (CONT’D)
He’d make you be hungrier for this win than you’d ever been. He’d kidnap your family and your only communication would be about the absolute hell that he kept them in. That’s how we went from radio stars to stars of the screen, Blob. You don’t know how easy you had it coming up! The Bang Bros don’t either. An ex-president and a washed up actor who clings on, just pleased to be there and no longer in some hellhole of a bar in Bangkok. Just happy that his partner has an actual name and not Rat Bastard!
BLOB CRATCHITT
BLOB??
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
No, you can’t take a break to call your wife!
BLOB CRATCHITT
BLOB, BLOBMAS!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Don’t give me the ‘It’s Christmas!’ line, Blob. The only reason you’re getting Christmas Day off is because someone would have to pay for the overheads and that person is me. Be thankful you get that, if I could find a way to extract a single cent of profit from you tomorrow, you’d be chained to this bureau with a hot dog and a handshake!
BLOB CRATCHITT
BLOBBY BLOB!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
I don’t care about Tiny Blob. He isn’t even as endearing Tiny Fur and that’s saying something! Ask yourself, how does a kid in 2021 even get rickets and tuberculosis? In all my seventy-three years…you know what? I’ll say it, I blame the parents!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
You can cry on Christmas Day! Now, I want that research concluded by the time I wake up!
EDMONEEZER enters his bedroom in darkness, an oil lamp illuminating his nightgown and cap.
EDMONEEZER climbs into bed, setting aside the oil lamp on the nightstand and extinguishing it.
EDMONEEZER shuts his eyes, if only for a moment.
KEITH CHEGWIN
EDMONEEZER!!!!
EDMONEEZER wakes up.
In front of him is a ghastly apparition of his old television chum, Keith Chegwin. The years since his death have not been kind, his jaw hung on solely by a wrap that goes around his head to help him speak despite the rot. Long and heavy chains hang around him, stooping him.
KEITH CHEGWIN
I see you cowering at the sight of me, how horrific I now look. How gaunt and decrepit my once mighty self looked.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Let’s be honest, Cheggers, you were never an Adonis but why are you here?
KEITH CHEGWIN
To make you see the errors of your ways! You’re doomed to follow me into this eternal hell if you don’t!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
But we had fun, didn’t we? We had a chuckle on the ways to becoming major players in British television! Think of all the laughs we shared….
KEITH CHEGWIN
At what price though, Edmoneezer? The chains that await you down here grow everyday…
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
If I have them now, can I use them to scale the cage at Oh Violent Night?
KEITH CHEGWIN
Make light of it all you want, Edmoneezer. Each day they grow longer and soon they will need to be cut lest you use them to climb out the bowels of hell!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
According to who?
KEITH CHEGWIN
The Devil himself!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE (Derisively)
You’re just jealous, you always were. When I got the primetime spot on Saturday Night television you glowed green with envy and now? It seems like you can’t take the fact that I’m still getting plaudits at the highest level!
KEITH CHEGWIN
I’m trying to help you, dear friend. I come here not to tell you of your fate but to implore you to change it. If you think that an electrified cage or a greased cage or even an exploding cage are harder than what awaits you, you’ve got another thing coming!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
We can handle the Bang Bros, we beat them at End of Days, we beat them at their Swingers Party. What’s another match? It gets rid of their rematch clause and we get paid for appearing, paid for winning, and paid for match of the night - this will be easier than the time we siphoned off all the money from the kids calling into our show in the eighties! I’ve got Blob Cratchitt burning the midnight oil in the basement to work out the science behind it. I just need to survive the match to reap the profits of the win!
KEITH CHEGWIN
You misunderstand me, friend. Later on, on this very night, you will be visited by three spirits. If they don’t show you the error of your ways then you are doomed to spend eternity in damnation with me and every other lost soul that once walked this Earth!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Damnation, but do they serve Gin and Tonics there?
KEITH CHEGWIN
Non-alcoholic Gin and Tonics, with flat tonics, non-alcoholic gin and too much ice that melts too quickly so that you’re left with low-quality carbonated water and not even a citrus fruit to add flavor!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE now looks even more terrified than whence he first saw CHEGWIN.
KEITH CHEGWIN (CONT’D)
I have to leave you now, but be warned - three spirits will visit you and I hope, no, I pray this is the last time we speak Edmoneezer. Take heed and learn from my punishment!
CHEGWIN recedes into the night air.
EDMONEEZER shakes his head dismissively and closes his eyes.
*KNOCK*
*KNOCK*
*KNOCK*
