It's The Jonnie Valentine & Son Christmas Special!
Dec 23, 2021 16:06:01 GMT -5
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Post by Jonnie Valentine on Dec 23, 2021 16:06:01 GMT -5
It's The Jonnie Valentine & Son Christmas Special!
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Starring Jonnie Valentine, and his son Evan Valentine Jr.!
Starring Jonnie Valentine, and his son Evan Valentine Jr.!
(The opening riff of "Jingle Bell Rock" by Hall & Oates plays as the camera opens on a snow covered house. As the camera pans out, it's a snow machine peppering the house with the white stuff in sunny Palm Springs, California with a high of 84 degrees, The shot pushes in to Jonnie Valentine wearing a turtleneck and looking out the window. He sips his hot toddy and then the shot transitions into an interior view. The fake studio audience applauds)
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, hello? You've just caught me enjoying the holiday season here in beautiful Palm Springs, California. We've got the fake log on the fire, since we have no trees. We've got lights on the cactus. And my neighbors are wearing seasonal thongs as they tan on their balcony.
(Opens window)
Jonnie Valentine: Merry Christmas, Rich! Andrew!
(A disembodied "Merry Christmas, Jonnie!" is returned. Greg, the Assistant wheelies in on his shoes and is in a tizzy, excuse my language. The fake studio audience gives him a warm round of applause as he's an old favorite)
Greg, The Assistant: (to himself) Ok, I've got 9 chafing dishes, spoons, ladles, the guy for the omelet bar is coming in twenty...
Jonnie Valentine: Everything OK, Greg?
(A startled Greg jumps)
Greg, The Assistant: Mr. Valentine! (nervous) Yes, of course. Everything is just fine. A few challenges with the ice sculptures...they usually are kept inside and not in 80 plus degree weather.
Jonnie Valentine: I know, but I want the ice sculptures of The Rougeau Brothers waving tiny American flags to be the first things my guests see.
Greg, The Assistant: Of course, sir. It's just Raymond's mustache is beginning to melt...
Jonnie Valentine: Greg...Raymond's mustache is the Mona Lisa smile of the whole thing and we must protect that mustache at all costs.
Greg, The Assistant: I understand sir.
Jonnie Valentine: Where's Evan? Shouldn't he be helping you with some of this stuff?
Greg, The Assistant: (confused) Master Evan...helping?
Jonnie Valentine: (dawns on him) Shouldn't his assistant be helping you? Where is Nick?
Greg, The Assistant: Ah, Mr. Von Erich is feeding Master Evan's komodo dragon an antibiotic. It appears the poor creature is quite ill after a diet of chiefly Popeye's chicken.
Jonnie Valentine: I instantly regret buying Sapphire, but Ricky Steamboat said the thing kept eating his wife's pomeranians. Where's Evan?
Greg, The Assistant: I don't know at the moment. I could look for him or fix Mr. Rougeau's mustache?
Jonnie Valentine: (shoos Greg away) Mustache! Mustache!
(The doorbell rings)
Jonnie Valentine: Who could it be?
(The fake studio audience "Ohhhs". Jonnie walks over and opens the door and it's the pony tailed security guard that tasered Brad Kane at the last show)
Jonnie Valentine: Yes?
(The security guard pokes his head and looks around a couple of cursory times)
Security Guard: Clear.
(The security guard steps aside and Evan Valentine Jr., El Rey, and Nick Von Erich walk into Jonnie's house. The fake studio audience goes wild while Evan premiers his new hand sign where he flashed
up an E with his right and a V with his left)
Jonnie Valentine: Why, it's Evan Valentine Jr., and El Rey...New Money!
(The fake studio audience applauds)
Jonnie Valentine: And you? I never got your name when I paid for the...
Evan Valentine Jr.: (interrupts, looking at the camera) This is Kent, Dad. Kent Muraco?
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, Don's boy?
Kent Muraco: He sends his love.
Nick Von Erich: (trying to get noticed) I'm here as well, Mr. Valentine?
Jonnie Valentine: There's some komodo dragon diarrhea by the kitchen stairwell, Nick. We have guests coming, for the love of God...
(Nick dutifully heads toward the kitchen)
Nick Von Erich: Goddamn, Sapphire. Give a dude a break!
Evan Valentine Jr.: (flips head, chews gum) I almost slipped in some dude's ice mustache out there.
Jonnie Valentine: (winces) Nevermind that. Now, did you get all the food I asked you to get for this thing?
Evan Valentine Jr.: I told Greg to do it.
Jonnie Valentine: Did you get our matching turtlenecks?
Evan Valentine Jr.: I told Greg to do it.
Jonnie Valentine: Did you make that special present for Mom that means so much because you made it with your own two hands?
Evan Valentine Jr.: I told Greg to do it.
Jonnie Valentine: (pats him on the shoulder) Good boy. Alright, looks like everything is set and...
(Doorbell rings)
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, our first guest! Let's see who it is.
(Jonnie opens the door to reveal an animated Alvin, Simon, and Theodore)
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Jonnie Valentine: Why! It's my old pals The Chipmunks!
Alvin: This guy out here crying in front of an ice sculpture.
Jonnie Valentine: Don't worry about him, seasonal depression, What are you guys doing here?
Simon: We heard you were having a party!
Theodore: And fruitcake?
Jonnie Valentine: (tussles the hair) Oh, I think we can russle up something. Come on in and get set up to sing your song...
Simon: (stops him) Uh, Jon. We told you we don't do that for free. Besides, you still owe us alot from the 98 tour...
Jonnie Valentine: (grabs him by his oversized S shirt, talking through clenched teeth) Don't give me any of that 98 tour shit again, Simon. I swear to God. The houses were bad, the promoters underperformed, and the weather was shit. There IS no 98 tour money. Now sing the fucking song.
(Valentine releases Simon's gigantic shirt, then pats it out. Simon almost says something, then walks away. Alvin follows him, asking "Is he gonna pay us this time?" later a shrieking "WHAT??" is heard in the background. The doorbell rings again. Jonnie Valentine goes to answer it. He opens the door and an old man with white long hair in a white robe stands in the doorway. Some fake snow from the snow machine blows into the house)
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Ghost of Christmas Past: Jonnie. You will be visited by three ghosts tonight to show you your wicked ways and change them before you are forced to wear the chains of...
Jonnie Valentine: I can't this year.
Ghost of Christmas Past: (only mildly disappointed) No?
Jonnie Valentine: No, I got this party and it's a whole production.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Oh? I...didn't get an invitation.
Jonnie Valentine: Oh, you wouldn't want to come, it's a work thing, bunch of wrestlers and, chipmunks.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Got it. Well, I'm busy too, I gotta take a bunch of old rich guys...
Jonnie Valentine: Hate those guys.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Same, and I gotta take em all back to these high school dances where they danced to fiddles with the schoolmaster's daughter and that whole thing.
Jonnie Valentine: Ugh.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Tell me about it. Most of them freak out so much about the flying part it's hard to get them to focus on watching the last time they weren't a megalomaniac. Oh is that Evan? (waves) Hi Evan!
(Evan walks past them eating a Christmas cookie, his shirt is already off in December)
Evan Valentine: Hi, Mr. Ghost.
Ghost of Christmas Past: (still talking to him as he walks by) It's Phillip, actually. Or Phil...
(The Ghost of Christmas Past sadly watches him walk away)
Jonnie Valentine: So-
Ghost of Christmas Past: So yeah, see you next year, and remember to change your ways or the whole chain thing and...
Jonnie Valentine: Yeah, I'm probably not,,,
Ghost of Christmas Past: (immediately agrees) Nah, I didn't think so. Ok, Merry Christmas.
Jonnie Valentine: Same to you.
(More people start filing into the party, slightly pushing The Ghost of Christmas Past to the back until he awkwardly waves goodbye. Evan and El Rey returns from the hallway)
El Rey: The bathroom door is locked, and it smells pretty ill.
Jonnie Valentine: Those are the penguins, and don't open that. They're a surprise for if the party gets lame.
(Greg, the Assistant wheelies past them with a dead penguin in his arms)
Greg, The Assistant: (barely holding back an ugly cry) Not a problem...not a problem at all. Little guy just got into Mr. Valentine's vast medicine cabinet...
(Jonnie and Evan watch him wheel past)
Jonnie Valentine: Isn't Greg the best?
Evan Valentine Jr.: He really is. (to the hard camera) You know, MYOJIN can fade the heat to their new riding partner, The Office, all they want, but they saw their asswhipping comin and decided they didn't want no more of The Kid. Last time they didn't come out so good, and I'm sure I bring back all sorts of traumatic memories when they see me. Look at how they couldn't follow simple directions at the contract signing. Fireside can't use a head case like that, definitely can't let them make the Wildfire title. So, I can respect that. (points to his temple) Gotta use the old grape sometimes. But The Office won't always be around to protect them, and there's always a chance down the line I might need a tune up match and decide to squash them again.
Jonnie Valentine: As an old booker, I honestly I think Caff just wanted to save them from the embarrassment by giving them a shiny new push. It's an old trick we use. Crazy deal with Brad Kane. Who knew his nuclear heat with the boys extended to the security?
(Kent nods)
Evan Valentine Jr.: (to camera) Brad Kane, talking to me like you did made Kent over here so mad, he had to betray the sworn oath he took as an Echelon Security bonded guard, "Do No Ruckus". Like always, I didn't ask for help. I wished he left you alone so I could start talkin bout Mommas.
Kent: My bad, E.
Evan Valentine Jr.: All good. We all get out of line sometimes, isn't that right, Bradley? 'Cept you got a screw loose, don't ya homie? Now, this? This is to Reckless Jack. Jack? You the real one. You don't need that mat sniffier Bradley. He's holding you back. Jealous of what you can be without him. So I want you to do something for me alright? I want you to take that green paper out of his wallet? And then I want you to go to the store and buy the biggest bottle of that stuff they call bleach? It's real tasty, K? Then I want you to drink that entire bottle, and my man, you gonna be flyin solo from now on.
Theodore: Where can I plug in this amp?
Evan Valentine Jr.: By the breakfast nook, my dude. (back to camera) That brings me to the other two I fought back in October. Zolotach is lucky she's a Midwestern white lady or that little episode she had with the chubby blue line would have gone down a whole lot different. How many crazy people can Caffrey book me with until I go to my Dad's friend at OSHA?
Jonnie Valentine: Jerry. And he's...(narrows eyes) good people.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Her matches are like those Lifetime movies she watches. Can't wait for them to be over and the wrong people go over. Juno better watch who she's threatening and ask MYOJIN what happens when I get heat. You wanna hide in your apartment all day getting Door Dash too?
El Rey: The fees alone will ruin you.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Now, Edward Zepp I left you for last, because...
(completely changes tone, totally loses his swag)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I really think we should hang out some time. Nothing big, you know. Get some boba or something. Because let's be honest, the rest of this match? Some dorks, am I right?
El Rey: Brutal.
Evan Valentine Jr.: But you and me? A couple of guys who have a similar background, both have family in the biz..I say, we take out Feckless Jack and Zoolander, and then settle this between the only two bankable stars in this match.
(Feedback from The Chipmunks amps rings over Evan's promo)
Simon: Check one, two...check one two.
(Theodore bangs his drum kit for a sound check. Then the doorbell rings, and the turtlenecked Jonnie Valentine walks over to answer the door)
Jonnie Valentine: Who could that be?
(Jonnie turns the knob and opens the door to reveal BTS!! The fake studio audience lets out an earsplitting pop, The humble pop sensations cover their eyes from the embarrassment of the ovation they got from the dubbed audience)
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Jonnie Valentine: Why, it's BTS, the pop phenomenon responsible for three of the best selling songs in 2021!
(Their lower third graphic says: BTSStands for Better Than Sir-Mix-Alot)
Jin: Hey. We heard The Chipmunks were trying to ruin Christmas!
Suga: Yeah, so BTS is here to save it!
Jonnie Valentine: Alright BTS, ready to sing your song?
Jungkook: I'll say we are!
V: Yeah, let's sing it now!
Jonnie Valentine: Okay, Jimin?
Jimin: Okay
Jonnie Valentine: Okay, V?
V: Okay
Jonnie Valentine: Okay, Suga? Suga? SUGAAAAAAA!!!!
Suga: Okay!
BTS: (singing) Christmas, Christmas time is near
Time for toys and time for cheer
We've been good, but we can't last
Hurry Christmas, hurry fast
Jin: Want a plane that loops the loop
Suga: Me, I want a hula hoop
BTS: We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas, don't be late
(Simon runs into the middle of it all and tries to stop the song)
Simon: What are you doing??? This is our song!
Jonnie Valentine: I asked you to sing the song, you decided to bring up old shit, and so now BLT is gonna sing it. That's show biz, babe.
(Simon stomps off and Jonnie addresses BTS)
Jonnie Valentine: Okay that was very good.
Jin Jin: Naturally!
Jonnie Valentine: Very good, J Hope. Uh, Suga, you were a little flat.
(Suga pouts)
Jonnie Valentine: Watch it, Suga... Suga? SUGAAAAA!!!
Suga: Okay!!
BTS: (singing) We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas don't be late
We can hardly stand the wait
Please Christmas don't be late
Merry Christmas
From The Valentines!!
From The Valentines!!