The CBB Christmas Special #2 [OVN]
Dec 24, 2021 15:02:49 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Steve Awesome, and 3 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Dec 24, 2021 15:02:49 GMT -5
INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - NIGHT
OVER BLACK
TITLE: PROVIDING JOBS TO MIDDLING BRITISH ACTORS LIKE A CHARITY SERVICE
EDMONEEZER jolts up in his bed.
A SPECTRE enters, EDMONEEZER slinks under the covers.
EDMONEEZER gingerly pokes his head out to look at what is an ugly sight. There before him is THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST.
EDMONEEZER tries to squirm under the covers but before he can, THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST clicks his fingers and they go into a vortex.
INT. CRINKLY BOTTOM MANOR - NIGHT
A party is in full flow. A banner reads ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS 1993’ above the door frame. BLOB CRATCHITT is shown at the height of his powers and deep in conversation with Japanese businessmen.
Before EDMONEEZER can speak, a mid-nineties Maggie Smith stumbles down the stairs, walking like John Wayne.
Younger versions of EDMONEEZER and CHEGWIN stagger drunkenly down the stairs.
EDMONEEZER nods.
INT. FAMILY HOME - NIGHT
EDMONEEZER’S ex-wife is seen on Christmas Eve, tending to her doting grandchildren as she helps them leave mince pies and a whiskey out for Santa.
A man walks into shot.
EDMONEEZER’S face drops, he has begun to break.
EDMONEEZER drops to his knees but keeps falling until…
INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - NIGHT
EDMONEEZER finds himself thrashing around the covers.
EDMONEEZER looks up to see professional cockney geezer, DANNY DYER hovering in front of him.
EDMONEEZER shrugs as if that was obvious.
EDMONEEZER raises an eyebrow.
EDMONEEZER accepts the reasoning.
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT drags EDMONEEZER through a wall and into a vortex.
INT. BLOB CRATCHITT’S HOUSE - DAY
It’s Christmas day and the Blob children are gathered around a rustic and rotting wooden bench of a table.
MRS BLOBBY looks over at TINY BLOB and sighs.
TINY BLOB tries to take a drink of water but coughs and splutters it onto the floor, his tuberculosis in full effect. Catching his mother’s eye, TINY BLOB smiles and hobbles weakly over to hug her.
BLOB CRATCHITT walks into shot with a brown bag.
Putting it on the table, the CRATCHITT’S all gather round.
BLOB CRATCHITT empties the bag and it only contains two bags of sherbert and a small malnourished chicken that very well could be roadkill.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT punches EDMONEEZER.
The CRATCHITT FAMILY all hug one another, grateful for what they have.
EDMONEEZER finds himself dumped onto his bedroom floor.
Looking up, he sees THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME has no face, only darkness where his face should appear in the hood of a gown. He pulls it open only for EDMONEEZER to recoil in horror.
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME points a skeletal finger at the wall and throws EDMONEEZER through it.
EXT. CHURCHYARD - DAY
EDMONEEZER lands next to a freshly dug grave. He looks up to see a tombstone.
EDMONEEZER rolls out of the way to avoid a jet of urine.
In the distance, EDMONEEZER sees nearly three hundred people weeping in the rain. They part as BOB and MRS CRATCHITT make way. EDMONEEZER starts to weep at the futility of his plight.
A woman walks past EDMONEEZER.
But no-one can hear EDMONEEZER. He is now a broken man.
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME grabs an icy claw around his neck and chokeslams him down into the dark comfort of the grave.
INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY
EDMONEEZER wakes up and checks to see if he is in his own eternal pit. Having realised it is only the grief hole he calls his bed, he opens the window and sees the SICKLY KID from the night before.
EXT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY
SICKLY BOY backs off awkwardly.
EDMONEEZER accosts a turkey seller on the street and palms him several C-notes.
INT. CRATCHITT HOUSE - DAY
EDMONEEZER bursts into the room.
BLOB takes the oversized turkey.
TINY BLOB enters and EDMONEEZER scoops him off his feet and starts to twirl him around the room as he speaks.
BLOB raises an eyebrow.
BLOB nods along.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: PROVIDING JOBS TO MIDDLING BRITISH ACTORS LIKE A CHARITY SERVICE
EDMONEEZER jolts up in his bed.
A SPECTRE enters, EDMONEEZER slinks under the covers.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Are you ready to save your soul?
EDMONEEZER gingerly pokes his head out to look at what is an ugly sight. There before him is THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE (scared)
Aren’t you Fatty Arbuckle?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Yes, and all I did was get blamed for the death of Virginia Rappe, I was innocent but even down there, in the depths of hell, the news is the only truth!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
What do you want from me?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
To remind you of what you could become, if only you put your mind and morals to it.
EDMONEEZER tries to squirm under the covers but before he can, THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST clicks his fingers and they go into a vortex.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
After the night is through, you’ll do anything to change your ways, believe me. Right now, I’d take a part in Shitstorm 8: Campaign to Calgary!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Eight???
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
It’ll be like Police Academy: Mission to Moscow but the villains are much more polite…
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
I’m innocent though! This is a fit up! I’ve got to take down the Bang Bros with Blob in a few days!
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
We won’t take but a moment, just long enough that you can see the error of your ways…
INT. CRINKLY BOTTOM MANOR - NIGHT
A party is in full flow. A banner reads ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS 1993’ above the door frame. BLOB CRATCHITT is shown at the height of his powers and deep in conversation with Japanese businessmen.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Do you know where we are?
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Of course I do! It’s the wrap party for a series of my House Party! I ruled the roost then, it was us against the world! We were breaking all the rules after we fought our way to the top! We showed those out-of-touch publicly-educated suits what was for, we rallied against the establishment and this was the reward!
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
And you know the significance of the night? Who is Blob talking to?
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
I stupidly, stupidly trusted Blob with his acid-vomit look to negotiate syndication in Japan, right at the height of their economic boom…
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
What happened?
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
He discovered Misawa, Taue, Kobashi and Kawada. He went there to seal the deal and came back talking about Hansen, Williams and Burning bloody Hammers!
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
And where are you in all of this?
Before EDMONEEZER can speak, a mid-nineties Maggie Smith stumbles down the stairs, walking like John Wayne.
Younger versions of EDMONEEZER and CHEGWIN stagger drunkenly down the stairs.
YOUNG EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
We just gave Maggie a part in Brother Act!
YOUNG KEITH CHEGWIN
You could say we took her up the Eiffel!
The two men exchange a high-five only to be met by NOEL EDMONDS now ex-wife who shakes her head and walks out the manor, slamming the door.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Did you ever see her again?
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
No, she managed to divorce me without setting foot in a court! Said something about me putting women, booze, my career, and the local Rotary club before her…I don’t know, I skimmed the agreement..
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Would you like to see her now?
EDMONEEZER nods.
CUT TO:
INT. FAMILY HOME - NIGHT
EDMONEEZER’S ex-wife is seen on Christmas Eve, tending to her doting grandchildren as she helps them leave mince pies and a whiskey out for Santa.
A man walks into shot.
MAN
Dewch ymlaen, annwyl. Gadewch i ni roi'r wyrion i'r gwely fel y gallant fod yn ffres ar gyfer y Nadolig.
KID #1
Iawn, taid…
EDMONEEZER’S face drops, he has begun to break.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
NOOOOO!!!! They speak Welsh!!!
INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - NIGHT
EDMONEEZER finds himself thrashing around the covers.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Oi, Numpty! Fix up will ya, mate!
EDMONEEZER looks up to see professional cockney geezer, DANNY DYER hovering in front of him.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Is that you, Danny?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Yeah, geezer’s gotta do what he got to do, nar’mean!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
But you’re not dead, you’re alive!
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Well, ‘ow could I turn it down, mate? When am I ever gonna be in a movie with effects like this?
EDMONEEZER shrugs as if that was obvious.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT (CONT’D)
Besides, Jason Statham couldn’t do it this year…
EDMONEEZER raises an eyebrow.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT (CONT’D)
Compet-it-ive diving event, innit…
EDMONEEZER accepts the reasoning.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT (CONT’D)
Now, grab my ‘and, we’re going to go back in time and see how you got here. I’ll give you a clue, you were pwopa nawty, guv!
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT drags EDMONEEZER through a wall and into a vortex.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Look! Whatever this is, I need to get ready for a match. I HAVE to win! I’ve bet all I have on the match. If I lose, I have to narrate one of Jabroni’s films that’ll be a UK exclusive…PEOPLE KNOW WHO I AM!!!
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
This won’t take long, two shakes of my todger…
INT. BLOB CRATCHITT’S HOUSE - DAY
It’s Christmas day and the Blob children are gathered around a rustic and rotting wooden bench of a table.
MRS BLOBBY looks over at TINY BLOB and sighs.
TINY BLOB tries to take a drink of water but coughs and splutters it onto the floor, his tuberculosis in full effect. Catching his mother’s eye, TINY BLOB smiles and hobbles weakly over to hug her.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
You see, right, you’ve mugged off your mate, mate! You’ve done him up like a kipper! If I was him, I’d polish your wrestling boots with kerosene!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
You don’t understand, the Cratchitts don’t need much. They’re simple people…
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
I’ll give you a simple headbutt, you side-salad!
BLOB CRATCHITT walks into shot with a brown bag.
Putting it on the table, the CRATCHITT’S all gather round.
BLOB CRATCHITT empties the bag and it only contains two bags of sherbert and a small malnourished chicken that very well could be roadkill.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
That can’t be enough to feed the five of them, surely? Serves them right for having kids when they can’t afford them though, I guess…
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT punches EDMONEEZER.
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
Can’t afford them? Can’t bloody afford them? You forced him to move to live in America. Told him you were on the run from the law and he was culpable…
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
I was dodging the tax-man and don’t like new places!
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
I’ll give you new bleedin’ places! You’ve crippled him like his kid with the medical bills! That’s a bag of sherbert each for the parents so they can suppress their hunger for a day and then a chicken that is so malnourished that a village in Ethiopia is organising a telethon!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE (muttering)
Yeah, like the money ever reaches the cause…
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
There was more fibre and goodness in Kanyon’s inauguration speech than there is on that table!
The CRATCHITT FAMILY all hug one another, grateful for what they have.
EDMONEEZER finds himself dumped onto his bedroom floor.
Looking up, he sees THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
What in the-
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
ALL FORTY OF DUKE KOSLOFF’S BORROWED FACES!!!
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME points a skeletal finger at the wall and throws EDMONEEZER through it.
EXT. CHURCHYARD - DAY
EDMONEEZER lands next to a freshly dug grave. He looks up to see a tombstone.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
1948-2023
A ROTTEN SOUL
MAN
I turned up like you asked, did my bit for the community. Now can I piss on it?
EDMONEEZER rolls out of the way to avoid a jet of urine.
MAN
Did you say that there were Reuben sandwiches? That’s the only other reason I came. Would rather be over there at the Cratchitt kid’s funeral. They cared about a fellow man, I wouldn’t piss on this guy if he was allergic to pi-....nevermind.
In the distance, EDMONEEZER sees nearly three hundred people weeping in the rain. They part as BOB and MRS CRATCHITT make way. EDMONEEZER starts to weep at the futility of his plight.
A woman walks past EDMONEEZER.
WOMAN
If only that twat did something to help his ‘friend’ out. If he wasn’t dead, he’d be sent to whatever the equivalent of Nuremburg is these days…
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE (through tears)
I’LL CHANGE! I PROMISE I’LL CHANGE! I’LL DO ANYTHING, ANYTHING!!
But no-one can hear EDMONEEZER. He is now a broken man.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
I’LL BECOME A BETTER MAN!!!
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME grabs an icy claw around his neck and chokeslams him down into the dark comfort of the grave.
CUT TO:
INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY
EDMONEEZER wakes up and checks to see if he is in his own eternal pit. Having realised it is only the grief hole he calls his bed, he opens the window and sees the SICKLY KID from the night before.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
YOU THERE!!! WAIT!
EXT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Take this cheque…
SICKLY BOY
You can’t kick one of them though..
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Don’t be silly! I don’t want to kick one, I want to make sure they get the help they need. I’ll even volunteer!
SICKLY BOY
No thanks, you nonce!
EDMONEEZER accosts a turkey seller on the street and palms him several C-notes.
CUT TO:
INT. CRATCHITT HOUSE - DAY
EDMONEEZER bursts into the room.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
BLOB!!
BLOB CRATCHITT
BLOBBY???
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Of course I’m here! Take this!
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE (CONT’D)
Blob! We’re gonna win this and we’re not going to let a thing stand in the way. Tiny Blob can have all the best treatment…on me! And when it comes to The Bang Bros, I’ll pull my weight! I’ll eat those punches whilst you show why you’re the hottest prospect in the XHF! I will do whatever I can to get you the Rookie of the Year award!
TINY BLOB enters and EDMONEEZER scoops him off his feet and starts to twirl him around the room as he speaks.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE (CONT’D)
I’ll take a shock for you, I’ll set myself alight so that you can flourish, big man! We’re going in with the belts and we’re walking out just the same so that, providing they cut me in, you can accept all the endorsement deals I’ve hidden under the couch…
BLOB raises an eyebrow.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE (CONT’D)
Don’t worry about it just now! Isn’t this the biggest turkey you’ve ever seen? Well, except Shitstorm 2!
BLOB nods along.
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE (CONT’D)
This is the start of a new chapter for us, Blob! No more looking for the easy buck, no more conniving the public. This is the new me and it’ll last…well, as long as everyone else’s New Year’s resolutions do but when we get to Oh Violent Night you can look at me as an equal in workrate, someone who has your back! I’ll still bring the sherbet but when that bell rings, I’ll bring the sizzle - the sizzle of Kanyon’s back as it hits the electrified cage! What do you say?
TINY BLOB
BLOB, BLOB BLUS, BLOBBYUN
EDMONEEZER SCROOGE
Yes…Blob Bless us, everyone!
