TAROSA "ZKIS" (OVN)
Dec 24, 2021 18:47:29 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Curtis D. Kanyon, and 1 more like this
Post by Steve Awesome on Dec 24, 2021 18:47:29 GMT -5
TAROSA PRESENTS
ARMED🦾&AWESOME❤️TOUR
“Zelda Knite’s Inside Story”
The headlines come rolling in.
ZELDA KNITE DOESN'T WAKE UP AFTER SWINGERS PARTY!!!
CTE ISSUES PLAGUES FORMER NCW WORLD CHAMPION!!
WHO IS TO BLAME? DYLAN OR STEVE? WE BREAK IT DOWN HERE.
Beep. Beep. We fade into the hospital room where Zelda Knite is laid motionless on the bed. She was hooked up to a heart monitor and had all these wires taped to her forehead and all these other machines taking all sorts of different readings.
A stressed and puffy eyed Steve Awesome held her hand as he sat next to her bed, waiting for the moment she might wake up.
“Come on Z, you gotta get through this. You can’t spend Christmas in a coma.”
He squeezed her hand and listened but all he heard were the beeps and boops of the machines she was connected to. He lets out a trembling sigh.
“You can’t miss this. If you don’t wake up, you are going to miss the kids opening their presents. The food. The family get togethers.”
He sniffles.
“I know you love that stuff.”
“You are gonna miss when Kanyon and I step inside a triple cage at Oh Violent Night and get our XHF Tag Team Titles back.”
He wipes a tear from his eye.
“I know how much you hate The Crinkley Bottom Boys, babe. Heh…even when you think I’m not listening I am. Like I remember how you said Noel Edmunds looks like a way slimmer version of Mongo but probably hangs back in the locker room and huffs womens shoes.“Or that time you said Blobby is a stupid name and looks like Grimace on acid.”
He chuckles a bit as he continues to reminisce.
“I know how bad you hate those guys so I want you to be able to see it when we kick their ass through three stacked cages. We’re going to ring Noel’s pencil neck and shred Blobby in two and leave them laying in less than fifteen minutes. Then we’re going to sit back and watch those two as they explode into a fiery and glassy hell! You can’t miss that, boo bear. You just can’t.”
He looks around.
“And most importantly babe, people on the internet are starting to say this is my fault…which is like totally unfair…
Just then the doctor walks into the room and Steve bolts up to greet him.
“Doc. Tell me the news. Hit me with it. In layman’s. Pretend I’m an idiot.”
“Pretend. Right.”
The doctor clears his throat.
“Look. We’ve done all the medical science we’re allowed to do based on the grade of your insurance.”
The doctor flips through a few pages of the file and then shrugs.
“Pfffft-uhhhh in as basic of terms as I can get, she hit her head really hard and now she won’t wakey. We no know why. I hope you like vegetables.”
The doctor gives Steve an awkward Pat on the shoulder and walks back out of the room. Steve slowly staggers back to his chair and sits down to process what he just heard.
“Oh ffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuushit.”
A few moments later Curtis Kanyon and friend comes walking into the room.
“Yo. A-Dawg. I’ve been looking all over for you buddy. It’s almost time to drop the trailer for your new hit movie Shitstorm 3. The movie based on the match based on the movie or it’s based on the play or wait…whatever, there is a big fun party later to celebrate.”
Steve stares remorsefully at the ground as he holds Zelda’s hand.
“I don’t know if I feel like celebrating K-Dawg.”
“Why?”
Kanyon looks a little more to the left.
“Oh. Right. Well what’s the doctor say?”
“Well…”
Steve looks up and is startled by what he sees behind Kanyon.
“Dear God what the hell is that!?”
“Bark. Bark.”
Kanyon looks back and rolls his eyes.
“Ugh. That’s just Tom Cruise. He’s taking his role as the dog too seriously and he won’t stop method acting.”
Tom steps forward and delivers another set of bland dog sounds.
“Bark. Bark. Have you guys heard about how cool L. Ron Hubbard is?“
“Wait, what did he just say?”
Kanyon swings a rolled up newspaper at Tom.
“NO! That’s a bad Tom. Nobody wants to hear about Scientology!”
Tom glares and crosses his arms.
“Growl.”
Steve just shrugs all that off and sighs.
“Basically bro, I need a miracle to help Zelda right now. I can’t believe Dylan would do this, all because of a stupid arm!”
Steve buried his face into his palms when all of a sudden he starts to hear jingle bells. He perks up.
“Wait. Do you hear that? Bells! Could that be a Christmas miracle!?
“No. Sorry, bro. It’s just a Christmas ringtone.”
Kanyon pulls out his cell phone and sure enough the jingle bell theme was coming from the little speaker.
“Hello?…..What? Open the window? Who is this? Alright alright I’ll do it!”
Kanyon rushes over to the window in the medical room and slides it open. All of a sudden a jingly winter breeze comes blowing in and suddenly figures start to materialize.
HO HO HO!!!
It was Santa Claus! And with him were three exact copies of Zelda Knite with different hair colors, Zelda Fitzgerald, Princess Zelda from the Legend of Zelda and the lady who played Zelda Spellman on Sabrina the teenage witch.
The blonde Zelda hands Santa some money.
“Thanks for your help Santa. Go buy yourself a few extra hoes.”
Santa throws out the finger guns and turns back into Christmas wind and flies out the window.
Ruff. Ruff. Snarl!!!
Tom Cruise goes running towards the strange group but before he knew it he was greeted with pets that rendered him useless as a protector. The blonde zelda scratches his chin and then steps forward.
“We are the Council of Zelda’s. We have come here with the help of Christmas magic to help you save Zelda. Without her, Steve wont be able to focus completely and the Crinkly Bottom Boys manage to pull off another upset!”
The other two Zeldas in the council nod their heads.
“Imagine it. They stretch out there one stupid joke for years to come.”
The third Zelda wipes away tears of horror.
“I dont want to live in that world.”
The other Zeldas all nod there heads in agreement. The first Zelda comes forward.
“We know there is only one person in this room that can help us. Only one person brave enough and strong enough to do what is right.”
Steve Awesome nodded his head. He knew he had to save his girlfriend.
“I’ll do whatever it takes. I-”
“NOT YOU!”
They all turn and look at Kanyon.
“Former President Curtis Kanyon is our hero.”
Kanyon gives a humble shrug.
“Hey I’ll do my best, but I need to get home before ten oclock.”
“Can I help?”
“No! We think you've done enough!
“Oh come on. Dylan was the one that stomped her. Not me!
“Come on Zelda’s, I need Steve to back me up on this. He is my tag team partner.
They talk it over for a few moments before finally nodding their head.
“Okay fine.”
“But only for you, Kanyon!”
“Here is the mission. We have to travel inside Zelda Knite and stop what's happening to her from the inside. We know it has something to do with a blood clot that has formed because of her concussion. We will know more once we're inside. Then we can zap it and get out.”
Both Steve and Curtis are silent for a few moments as they take all that information in.
“Am I high?”
“....I mean okay but I just need to be home by ten oclock.”
“Okay, we are going to start the mission sequence. Remember Curtis, Steve, stop the blood clot.”
“Stop the blood clot”
“The blood clot, stop it.
“Get the tri-force Link…”
Blonde Zelda scowls and rubs the bridge of her nose.
“Damn it zelda from zelda. You do this every time….”
“You know CBB, it’s extremely fitting that this match of ours at Oh Violent Night has a fifteen minute time limit. Because after Kanyon and I get done bashing your moronic skulls in, your fifteen minutes are up.”
Steve slashes across his throat with his hand.
“The joke is over. Dried up and dead like all three of your stupid theme parks. You had a good run. Lived a dream. But now The Bang Bros are coming back for what’s ours, the XHF Tag Team Championships. And in order to do that we are going to send you plummeting through all three cages quicker than your ratings did during season eight.”
He cracks his knuckles.
“And before you get too proud about lasting eight seasons. You want to know what else lasted for eight seasons? Fuckin According to Jim, and that show sucked!!”
Steve sneered in disgust at the mere mention of Jim Belushi.
“And at the most violent night of the year we are going to expose you as the flash in the pan that you are. See, we got the master plan laid out. I can even say it because there will be nothing you can do about it. Do you know why the shows ratings tanked, Noel? Because you took out Blobby.”
He shakes his head. The worst thing any show could do.
“You had a semi popular show but then you took out the best character and suddenly no one cares. Your show gets cancelled and you find yourself pointing at girls holding briefcase’s. How sad.”
He smiles an evil grin into the camera.
“That’s exactly what we’re going to do. We’re going to expose the weak link. It’s obvious that Noel is nothing without Blobby. We are going to eliminate that stupid freaky muppet Blobby once and for all. I mean the first cage is glass, the second has weapons, there are plenty of ways to “deflate” Blobbys chances of making it up to the third cage.”
Steve rubs his palms together and glares into the camera.
“Then that leaves Noel Edmunds. All alone without anyone to save him. No Blobby, no Swingers Party Partners, nothing. We are going to drag your old pathetic ass up to the third cage and break your scrawny back in two. While Blobby is struggling to get his fat gumpy ass up even one ladder. The Bang Bros are going to make his googly eyes watch as we beat you until you can’t stand. Then we’re going to use your pathetic body as a boost up to the very top of the cages and take BACK the XHF Tag Team Championships and cement the Bang Bros status as one of the best tag teams ever. And then Kanyon and I will watch as you both combust into flames and glass and grease and never come around again. You might be able to see us sipping margaritas from coconuts on the stage just before exploding flames get you.
He smirks.
“Deal or no deal?”
He shrugs.
“You don’t have much of a choice.
He crotch chops.
“BLOB IT”
“Where are we?”
We find our rag tag group in a strange cave like place.
“We're inside Zelda’s ear. I’m not surprised you don't know your own girlfriend's ear canal.
Steve glares.
“My bad. I’m used to coming in from a different entrance.”
“How are we supposed to know where to start looking for this blood clot?
Blonde Zelda smiles.
“You leave that to us. Can either of you fly an aircraft?”
Steve and Kanyon glance at each other.
“Were the Bang Bros.
“Im sure we can “wing it”....
Everybody laughs.
To be Continued….
ARMED🦾&AWESOME❤️TOUR
“Zelda Knite’s Inside Story”
*In Kanyon Vision*
The headlines come rolling in.
ZELDA KNITE DOESN'T WAKE UP AFTER SWINGERS PARTY!!!
CTE ISSUES PLAGUES FORMER NCW WORLD CHAMPION!!
WHO IS TO BLAME? DYLAN OR STEVE? WE BREAK IT DOWN HERE.
Beep. Beep. We fade into the hospital room where Zelda Knite is laid motionless on the bed. She was hooked up to a heart monitor and had all these wires taped to her forehead and all these other machines taking all sorts of different readings.
A stressed and puffy eyed Steve Awesome held her hand as he sat next to her bed, waiting for the moment she might wake up.
“Come on Z, you gotta get through this. You can’t spend Christmas in a coma.”He squeezed her hand and listened but all he heard were the beeps and boops of the machines she was connected to. He lets out a trembling sigh.
“You can’t miss this. If you don’t wake up, you are going to miss the kids opening their presents. The food. The family get togethers.”He sniffles.
“I know you love that stuff.” “You are gonna miss when Kanyon and I step inside a triple cage at Oh Violent Night and get our XHF Tag Team Titles back.”He wipes a tear from his eye.
“I know how much you hate The Crinkley Bottom Boys, babe. Heh…even when you think I’m not listening I am. Like I remember how you said Noel Edmunds looks like a way slimmer version of Mongo but probably hangs back in the locker room and huffs womens shoes.“Or that time you said Blobby is a stupid name and looks like Grimace on acid.”He chuckles a bit as he continues to reminisce.
“I know how bad you hate those guys so I want you to be able to see it when we kick their ass through three stacked cages. We’re going to ring Noel’s pencil neck and shred Blobby in two and leave them laying in less than fifteen minutes. Then we’re going to sit back and watch those two as they explode into a fiery and glassy hell! You can’t miss that, boo bear. You just can’t.”He looks around.
“And most importantly babe, people on the internet are starting to say this is my fault…which is like totally unfair…Just then the doctor walks into the room and Steve bolts up to greet him.
“Doc. Tell me the news. Hit me with it. In layman’s. Pretend I’m an idiot.”The doctor clears his throat.
The doctor flips through a few pages of the file and then shrugs.
The doctor gives Steve an awkward Pat on the shoulder and walks back out of the room. Steve slowly staggers back to his chair and sits down to process what he just heard.
“Oh ffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuushit.”A few moments later Curtis Kanyon and friend comes walking into the room.
“Yo. A-Dawg. I’ve been looking all over for you buddy. It’s almost time to drop the trailer for your new hit movie Shitstorm 3. The movie based on the match based on the movie or it’s based on the play or wait…whatever, there is a big fun party later to celebrate.”Steve stares remorsefully at the ground as he holds Zelda’s hand.
“I don’t know if I feel like celebrating K-Dawg.”“Why?”Kanyon looks a little more to the left.
“Oh. Right. Well what’s the doctor say?” “Well…”Steve looks up and is startled by what he sees behind Kanyon.
“Dear God what the hell is that!?”“Bark. Bark.”Kanyon looks back and rolls his eyes.
“Ugh. That’s just Tom Cruise. He’s taking his role as the dog too seriously and he won’t stop method acting.”Tom steps forward and delivers another set of bland dog sounds.
“Bark. Bark. Have you guys heard about how cool L. Ron Hubbard is?“ “Wait, what did he just say?”Kanyon swings a rolled up newspaper at Tom.
“NO! That’s a bad Tom. Nobody wants to hear about Scientology!”Tom glares and crosses his arms.
“Growl.”Steve just shrugs all that off and sighs.
“Basically bro, I need a miracle to help Zelda right now. I can’t believe Dylan would do this, all because of a stupid arm!”Steve buried his face into his palms when all of a sudden he starts to hear jingle bells. He perks up.
“Wait. Do you hear that? Bells! Could that be a Christmas miracle!?“No. Sorry, bro. It’s just a Christmas ringtone.”Kanyon pulls out his cell phone and sure enough the jingle bell theme was coming from the little speaker.
“Hello?…..What? Open the window? Who is this? Alright alright I’ll do it!”Kanyon rushes over to the window in the medical room and slides it open. All of a sudden a jingly winter breeze comes blowing in and suddenly figures start to materialize.
It was Santa Claus! And with him were three exact copies of Zelda Knite with different hair colors, Zelda Fitzgerald, Princess Zelda from the Legend of Zelda and the lady who played Zelda Spellman on Sabrina the teenage witch.
The blonde Zelda hands Santa some money.
Santa throws out the finger guns and turns back into Christmas wind and flies out the window.
Ruff. Ruff. Snarl!!!Tom Cruise goes running towards the strange group but before he knew it he was greeted with pets that rendered him useless as a protector. The blonde zelda scratches his chin and then steps forward.
The other two Zeldas in the council nod their heads.
The third Zelda wipes away tears of horror.
The other Zeldas all nod there heads in agreement. The first Zelda comes forward.
Steve Awesome nodded his head. He knew he had to save his girlfriend.
“I’ll do whatever it takes. I-”They all turn and look at Kanyon.
Kanyon gives a humble shrug.
“Hey I’ll do my best, but I need to get home before ten oclock.” “Can I help?”“Oh come on. Dylan was the one that stomped her. Not me! “Come on Zelda’s, I need Steve to back me up on this. He is my tag team partner. They talk it over for a few moments before finally nodding their head.
Both Steve and Curtis are silent for a few moments as they take all that information in.
“Am I high?”“....I mean okay but I just need to be home by ten oclock.”Blonde Zelda scowls and rubs the bridge of her nose.
She hits the button and a big portal stretches out and sucks Steve, Curtis, Tom Cruise the Dog, The Council of Zeldas and Steve’s cameramen inside of it.
“You know CBB, it’s extremely fitting that this match of ours at Oh Violent Night has a fifteen minute time limit. Because after Kanyon and I get done bashing your moronic skulls in, your fifteen minutes are up.”
Steve slashes across his throat with his hand.
“The joke is over. Dried up and dead like all three of your stupid theme parks. You had a good run. Lived a dream. But now The Bang Bros are coming back for what’s ours, the XHF Tag Team Championships. And in order to do that we are going to send you plummeting through all three cages quicker than your ratings did during season eight.”
He cracks his knuckles.
“And before you get too proud about lasting eight seasons. You want to know what else lasted for eight seasons? Fuckin According to Jim, and that show sucked!!”
Steve sneered in disgust at the mere mention of Jim Belushi.
“And at the most violent night of the year we are going to expose you as the flash in the pan that you are. See, we got the master plan laid out. I can even say it because there will be nothing you can do about it. Do you know why the shows ratings tanked, Noel? Because you took out Blobby.”
He shakes his head. The worst thing any show could do.
“You had a semi popular show but then you took out the best character and suddenly no one cares. Your show gets cancelled and you find yourself pointing at girls holding briefcase’s. How sad.”
He smiles an evil grin into the camera.
“That’s exactly what we’re going to do. We’re going to expose the weak link. It’s obvious that Noel is nothing without Blobby. We are going to eliminate that stupid freaky muppet Blobby once and for all. I mean the first cage is glass, the second has weapons, there are plenty of ways to “deflate” Blobbys chances of making it up to the third cage.”
Steve rubs his palms together and glares into the camera.
“Then that leaves Noel Edmunds. All alone without anyone to save him. No Blobby, no Swingers Party Partners, nothing. We are going to drag your old pathetic ass up to the third cage and break your scrawny back in two. While Blobby is struggling to get his fat gumpy ass up even one ladder. The Bang Bros are going to make his googly eyes watch as we beat you until you can’t stand. Then we’re going to use your pathetic body as a boost up to the very top of the cages and take BACK the XHF Tag Team Championships and cement the Bang Bros status as one of the best tag teams ever. And then Kanyon and I will watch as you both combust into flames and glass and grease and never come around again. You might be able to see us sipping margaritas from coconuts on the stage just before exploding flames get you.
He smirks.
“Deal or no deal?”
He shrugs.
“You don’t have much of a choice.
He crotch chops.
“BLOB IT”
“Where are we?”We find our rag tag group in a strange cave like place.
Steve glares.
“My bad. I’m used to coming in from a different entrance.”“How are we supposed to know where to start looking for this blood clot? Blonde Zelda smiles.
Steve and Kanyon glance at each other.
“Were the Bang Bros. “Im sure we can “wing it”....Everybody laughs.
To be Continued….
