Lawful Evil: The Christmas Miracle (CD)
Dec 24, 2021 22:00:55 GMT -5
ForeverKuroi and mosler like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Dec 24, 2021 22:00:55 GMT -5
8:22pm
On Christmas Eve
On Christmas Eve
*The camera opens inside of the police station as Lord Dominicus and Detectives Theresa Beckett and Jim Toolatetogetanamenow sit around the sparsely decorated office.*
LD: This is boring. Nothing is happening.
Beckett: This is our job.
LD: Well your job is boring.
Jim: Why are you even here?
LD: I uh…I’m clearly here to help you guys.
Beckett: On Christmas?
LD: Yes.
Jim: All you’ve done is play on your phone the last few hours.
LD: IT’S NOT PLAYING!
*The DominiPhone beeps and the DARK LORD OF CAR checks it. He’d be grimacing at what he’s seeing if you could look past the mask. He sighs and puts it away again.*
LD: AND ANO-
*The phone in the office rings, breaking the monotony. Jim takes it off the hook and presses the speaker button.*
Jim: Hello, you are on the hotline with the Holiday Horror investigators. What can we do for you? Before you ask, no this is not Taco Be-
*A jovial but familiar voice cuts him off.*
Santa (on the line): Ho ho ho! Of course you kids would still be at the office!
LD: Santa?
Santa (on the line): Ho ho ho! It is indeed! Now I need the three of you to hurry your kringles down to the warehouse on 3rd and Nicholas; I’ve got a surprise for you but you must come quickly!
*He hangs up.*
Jim: What the heck was that about? We can’t just go run off after nothing.
*He says this, but is already getting his jacket on. As are the others.*
LD: Maybe he tracked down the guys we’re looking for.
Jim: Oh yeah, sure, some “Christmas miracle” to come save the day from Santa.
Beckett: Whatever, let’s just go.
The Christmas Miracle
*We pick up as two cars roll up to the warehouse. Doors slam as the trio make their way over to Santa Claus, who’s actually in costume (likely due to it actually being Christmas) as he tells them to be quiet with his hands. They sneak over to him and in quiet voices the conversation begins.*
Jim: What is all of this about?
Santa: Oh Jim, always the skeptic. Why, I’ve come with gifts!
LD: I love gifts!
Santa: Ho ho ho! Yes you do! Which is why…
*He pulls out a small velvet-looking sack and reaches into it. Instinctually the detectives pull their hands back to their gun holsters. However, soon the former-number-one-suspect/current-number-one-helper on the Holiday Horror case produces a title belt. Made with red leather and gleaming gold plates. On the front plate is a large black rock and the title reads…*
LD: THE NAUGHTIEST BOY OF THEM ALL!
*Dominicus quickly grabs his mouth since he shouldn’t be yelling. Santa hands him the championship. Dominicus cradles his new favorite championship and then puts it on over his CAR Athletic Cup jockstrap.*
Santa: But don’t think I’ve forgotten about you two!
*Quietly he points with his thumb to a window behind him. The detectives sneak up and Theresa looks through.*
Beckett: Oh my…Jim, call for backup.
Santa: Ho ho ho! Just because I’m an amateur doesn’t mean I’m not talented. I tracked them here. Anyway, I need to go, I’ve got lots more presents to deliver, if you know what I mean.
*He winks.*
*SMASH CUT to the interior of the warehouse as the large warehouse door opens and in flow maybe five or more squad cars. Out of the front ones comes our trio who walk to the front, guns drawn, while all the cops behind them pour out.*
Beckett: Alright Holiday Horrors, it’s all ove- What the heck are you dressed as?
*The camera flips around, bathed in the blinding lights coming from the squad of squad cars look like makeshift spotlights as the perpetrators squint and their captives (three people, tied up and gagged) squirm. One of the suspects is dressed in a long flowing robe and has a massive gray fake beard on. He grips a shepherd's pole in his hand. The other is bedecked in red, black, and green duds that are relatively similar. Oh he also has wings.*
HH 1: Can you turn the lights down?
Jim: No, scumbag. Now answer the question.
LD: AND DROP YOUR WEAPONS, I SWEAR TO YOU THAT I’M AN AMERICAN AND I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT EVERYONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THEY HAVE EVEN ANYTHING REMOTELY RESEMBLING A WEAPON!
*The colorfully-dressed serial killers drop their props, and several of Canada’s finest drop their guns as well. Lord Dominicus appears to be holding a squirt gun, for the record.*
HH 1: Look, eh. We’re just trying to do what you guys were afraid to do.
HH 2: Hey, she asked a question.
HH 1: Oh yeah, sorry. So I’m dressed as Abraham, you know, for Hanukkah.
Jim: That explains the fake beard. What about you, overly-tan and slightly…Rastafarian?
HH 2: The Kwanzaa Fairy.
*Everyone groans.*
LD: Dude!
*The police are all making disgusted faces.*
Abraham: THAT’S WHAT THAT IS!? You’re not even African! Is that why you spray tanned?
Kwanzaa Fairy: One, this is not a spray tan; I’ve been going to the salon all week. Two, you’re not even Jewish.
Abraham: I mean, ok. But still…
Victim: That’s so messed up.
Abraham: HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE GAG!?
Victim: I’ve been squirming for an hour while you guys prepared your horrible torture machinations.
Beckett: EVERYONE! SHUT UP! OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS TALK NON-STOP!
Abraham: You can stop us today, but more citizens will rise up and keep this kind of filth off the streets.
KF: Yeah! Think of the children! Of all cultures!
Abraham: Dude, you’re white. I can’t even look at you now.
KF: What, because I care about diversity?
Jim: I think he’s talking about the tanning.
LD: Look guys, I get it.
KF: You get us?
Abraham: Nobody gets you.
LD: I mean, you don’t agree with the system. You think that the outcome you want is the most important because in your heart you feel like you are right. And the people you care about are the only people that matter to you, and other people, people you disagree with shouldn’t be given the same opportunities as you.
Abraham: Especially after the awful things they’ve done.
LD: …Even how, just because you don’t agree with the way things have gone down that’s no excuse to shoot on- er, shoot people.
KF: In fairness I only shot one guy.
Jim: Of course you’d be the Google Birthday one.
KF: What’s that supposed to mean?
Beckett: OH FOR THE LOVE OF- WILL ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!? GET ON THE GROUND!
LD: YEAH! GET ON THE GROUND, SCUMBAGS! ESPECIALLY YOU OVER THERE IN THE BINDINGS!
Victim: I was kidnapped by them! And I am on the ground already!
LD: That’s what they all say!
*The police start to move in as the camera fades out.*
*QUICK FRIGGIN CUT TO A BOOK CLOSING! We pan down to see a red leather belt adorned with a large piece of coal surrounded by gold plating that reads “The Naughtiest Boy of Them All.” Then we pan down lower to see a gold-colored jock-strap being worn outside of clothes. Then we pan up to see the masked face of Lord Dominicus.*
LD:
And so that Christmas Eve,
Detectives Theresa and Jim did retrieve,
Serial killers who preyed on former offenders,
And became known as murder-enders.
The Detectives were promoted thereafter shortly,
Helped in their case by Santa most portly.
And your DARK LORD was of super import,
Though they forgot to even mention him in court.
How will his DARK EVIL continue to spread?
Probably first by dropping El Combatiente on his head.
And so all things must end, or at least they might,
But until then MERRY DOMINIMAS to all and to all a VANTABLACK NIGHT!
And so that Christmas Eve,
Detectives Theresa and Jim did retrieve,
Serial killers who preyed on former offenders,
And became known as murder-enders.
The Detectives were promoted thereafter shortly,
Helped in their case by Santa most portly.
And your DARK LORD was of super import,
Though they forgot to even mention him in court.
How will his DARK EVIL continue to spread?
Probably first by dropping El Combatiente on his head.
And so all things must end, or at least they might,
But until then MERRY DOMINIMAS to all and to all a VANTABLACK NIGHT!
