Post by codeapathy on Dec 24, 2021 22:47:06 GMT -5
I'm mad at God
'Cause if he exists, why do I still feel like this?
Sarah Saint James - mad at God
//Hotel Luxer, Amsterdam\\
++The screen from my iPhone lit up, vibrating on the empty bed, tossed amongst the messy sheets. That was the tenth time he called. The shower was running off in the distance. He knew better than to call. He knew where I was and why I was here. The pink neon from the Hotel sign crept through the window, causing a sheen to reflect on my white girdle. The snaps were undone from my garters, and my high waist panties were a little crooked in the back. I pressed my palm against the window, staring down at the street as I clutched a bottle of rose champagne by the neck. My hair was damp and stringy. I was baked out of my mind. It was like this last year and I knew it would happen again this year. It made me feel like shit, abandoning my own husband for Christmas to go to Amsterdam. I just wasn’t woman enough. I was a coward and I knew it. I heard the shower turn off and the heavy glass shower door open. I moved away from the window, sitting down on the edge of the bed, dangling the bottle of scrumpy between my legs. I hoisted it up, taking a long swig and dropped it back down, swirling it in little circular motions. The bathroom door opened and my bed fellow slipped out, freshly showered and dressed in his best weed print flannel sleep pants. He saw me sitting there, wallowing in self-pity and drowning my misery and softly walked over, curling up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist++
“He called again, Eric.”
Eric: Chill out my little minx. You know we go through this every year. I mean babe he loves you. You’re his wife but he just don’t do so good with this coping shit. Look at it from his perspective. He knows…
Elizabeth: Yes! He knows. He knows why I will never be able to enjoy another Holiday season. He knows why I get sick in the pit of my stomach when December first rolls around. He knows why we can NEVER go back to the way things were and why I’m doomed to a life of blacked out drunk, high as fuck, reckless and worthless holiday seasons. And…and….
++I bit my lower lip as tears started welling up in the corners of my eyes. It wasn’t that I didn’t know what it was like to be a mother. I did. Somehow someway I managed to raise Annika into adulthood and despite being a trainwreck myself, she turned out well adjusted and happy. It was the fact that it was OUR child that we lost. That it was so preventable, so senseless. Eric pulled me back so that he was laying on his back and cradling my head on his stomach, running his fingers through my hair. I squeezed my eyes tight and let a few of the salty drops fall. I shuddered as I exhaled deeply++
Elizabeth: And I know he’s calling because he’s concerned. And I know he will never forgive himself. I know he is scared that one of these years, I’ll come here for my bender and never come home. That I’ll be shipped home in a casket. I’m not even mad at him anymore. It honestly has nothing to do with him…
Eric: Babe I know that. I get it. You do this for you. For your own sanity and shit. Look, losing a kid is some heavy shit. I’m a fuckin’ idiot and even I can understand how something that deep fucks with a person and you already deal with instability on a daily basis with your bipolar and BPD. You’re a fucking moltov cocktail ready to burn babe. And look he may be my family but how it all fuckin’ went down was all on him. Stupid fuckin’ Irish temper, flyin’ into a fuckin’ jealous rage over a fucked up scenario he made up in his head. He caused your miscarriage. Period. Truth? I almost didn’t bail him out when he called me cryin’ like a bitch with WHY he was arrested. But he’s the only family I have. I had too.
Elizabeth: No, Eric, you don’t have to defend why you did it. I understand. It’s just…I don’t remember it being this..hard. With Fionn it was different. I actually got to meet her, raise her…kind of. I knew her so that loss was the hardest. It will always be the hardest. When Cage and I lost the baby boy, it hurt. I was pretty upset and I blamed myself because I fell. For years I told myself it was my own fault. I finally moved past that. I accepted it. I mean in the end it worked out for the best with how Cage and I ended. Well, how HE ended. Very messy. But this one…it hurts so much. It hurts almost as bad as when I sat there next to Fionn as she took her last breaths. And I don’t..I don’t know why Eric? WHY? Why does it fuck me up so bad? I mean it isn’t any worse than any other shitty, fucked up, malicious or vindictive thing I have ever had happen to me. Shouldn’t I be numb to this by now?
Eric: Because you wanted to have his baby, Lizzy. You two were in a very happy and healthy place at the time. You were TRYING to start a family. You were invested babe. It hurts more because it wasn’t an accident, or unplanned or unwanted. It was a goal you were you know fuckin’ working towards and then it all got ripped away over stupid macho bullshit. And you have to stop fuckin’ beating yourself up over HOW you choose to cope with what happened. Like, you’re safe right? You’re here with me. Yeah I’m a fuckin’ druggy but I’m here FOR you. To protect you. Good bros don’t ever let a friend self-medicate alone.
Elizabeth: It isn't fair...
++I knew I was in the middle of a manic episode. It was unavoidable. So were the PTSD nightmares, the flashbacks and every fucking thing else that came with a meltdown. My vices were sex and drugs. It was why I was here now. I was a fucking mess and I knew it. A grain of snow turns into an avalanche of regret, anger, disgust, shame and self-loathing. I knew I couldn’t help it. I knew my grief was valid and real. I knew this was just how I was going to cope until I either accepted what happened, or I let it consume me. I had to get it out of my system now. The hourglass was winding down. I needed to have my shit together by the time I headed back to The Hearth to step in the ring with Natalie. As champion she deserved my best and I would not accept giving any less. The frustration was building up inside of me to a tipping point. I let out a cathartic wail and pounded my fists into in the side of the mattress as I started to sob. Eric scooped me up and sat up, resting me against his chest as I wept into it, his arms rubbing my back and rocking me gently++
//Sky Garden, London\\
Elizabeth: Natalie. First of all let me take this time to mention that it is truly an honor to be in this position. Your pedigree and caliber speaks for itself and was one of the first things that was matter of factly stated to me about you, the day I debuted. I didn’t question or discredit it then and I still don’t. I would be a hypocrite of myself if I even dared. With that said..
++Eric held the iPhone steady while I went live on IG to handle my business. Behind me through the glass, the London sky was gloomy and foggy, but the skyline struck out against the pale color. I gracefully gestured to the beautiful sight just beyond the glass and smirked++
Elizabeth: Forgive my forward and bold means of choosing to address you, but it’s almost 2022 and quite frankly, the business has to evolve and keep pace with current technology and trends. Each of us are our own IP and we should market ourselves accordingly. You are the top. The Queen Bee. The highest point from which to survey everything and everyone beneath you. That is why I chose this location. The highest public garden in London. Beautiful and commanding, much like yourself. Also a status I myself have enjoyed in the past in my own career. Natalie, I don’t doubt what you went through to get to where you are, but darling you are preaching to the choir. While I congratulate you on all the many firsts you have achieved as notches on your belt, allow me to be objective but also frank in saying, you talk about evolving with the business but you seem to have forgotten where you came from.
Allow ME to depart some crone wisdom on you love. Nobody will ever be able to take away your accomplishments from you. They can never deny them. They are historical fact. But my dear they can be surpassed, improved upon as THAT is the true ever changing nature of this business and you know it as well as I do. You will ALWAYS be remembered for the trails you blazed, the bars you set and the envelopes you pushed. But records are meant to be broken, bars are meant to be raised, feats are meant to be achieved and expanded on! Or else this business would cease to exist. I applaud you for all you have achieved for womankind in this industry. Truly I do but I don’t care as you aren’t the only one. I could waste the next two hours until my flight back listing all of the milestones I hit that changed the landscape of a company or pushed the boundaries of this business, but the fact is you don’t care and we both know it. You only care about what YOU have done, I have nothing to leverage but my own long career.
The ONLY thing I have at this point to justify my being granted this opportunity is the small, minor, insignificant fact that I won an entire tournament, besting every one of my colleagues, to earn my way here. You can’t both want to have a division or company endure because of your leadership and then turn around and activate your own personal glass ceiling to make sure you’re the only torch bearer because honey? I’m too old for that shit. You want to turn this into a situation where you think I’m going to kiss your ring just because you are buying into your own hype and the rest of us should? Phoenixes rise from ashes, remember that. You don’t have to like me, hell you don’t even need to respect me because believe me I will sleep just fine without it, but you will not talk DOWN to me. Precious I wrote the book on speaking passive aggressive southern and I can condescendingly sigh in five tones. My mama is French Creole. This old bitch has a few more runs left in her and one or two tricks left. Bless your heart child, I'll see you soon, with some fresh humble pie. Family recipe. Freshest crow you'll ever eat.