..:: XTREME X*MAS - OH VIOLENT NIGHT ::..
Dec 28, 2021 20:13:19 GMT -5
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Mongo the Destroyer, Curtis D. Kanyon, and 6 more like this
Post by Dylan on Dec 28, 2021 20:13:19 GMT -5
Date: December 28th, 2021
Hammerstein Ballroom, Manhattan, New York
Capacity: 2,200
Attendance: 400 (Masks Required)
Theme Song: Fire by Beartooth
Theme Song: Fire by Beartooth
The camera flies around the Hammerstein Ballroom as we see plenty of cheering, masked fans. The cam pans to the ceiling as we see multiple cages hanging for the festivities tonight. We even get a closeup of the weapons hanging from the biggest cage before we swing to the announcers desk, appropriately placed far from the action.
Zosty: Welcome everyone to Xtreme X*Mas: Oh Violent Night! We are LIIIIIIIVE in the Hammerstein Ballroom in lovely Manhattan for a bloody, violent night.
Elfas: It's in the name! We have one of the most stacked cards for a non-XHF Sponsored XHF Event! We open the show with the Scourge Donzig taking on the Heart of FIRESIDE Vodka Fizz! These two will dance again in a few days but tonight is the night for them to get their most violent feelings out so they can feel a bit more... civilized in their follow-up encounter.
Zosty: Things take a turn for the odd as Esmerelda von Krauss steps up to fight her minion "D," with the freedom of one Alyssa Lucchi on the line. No idea who she is, but "D" plans to fight the good fight so it'll be interesting to see how his boss reacts to that.
Elfas: Not well I imagine!
Zosty: New York is an at-will state, she could just relieve him of his jobs after their fight!
Elfas: Sounds like an Esmerelda idea alright. Anyway, things heat up as we get the rematch we've been waiting for from XHF's End of Days with the BANG! Bros challenging the Crinkly Bottom Boys to regain the XHF Tag Team Championships! CBB were able to pull a win out of their asses last time, can they repeat the feat again?
Zosty: For the sake of the Crinkly Bottom Community, I hope so. Things get ugly as we hit out semi-main event. The biggest stars to not cross the forbidden threshold with the SWAT/NPW exodus, El Combatiente and Lord Dominicus cross paths once again! Folks, this one might be ugly. You should put your kids away before these two are on the screen.
Elfas: Are you kidding? Ugly? Do you even know what the main event is? The four most violent men in XHF throwing down in the ring! Spike Kane, Jesse Jamester, Dylan Black and PRICE are going to beat the shit out of each other for a solid hour inside a dino cage! A fucking dino cage for crying out loud! Who figures this stuff out?
Zosty: Apparently the main event contenders did! Wanted a match with no possible escape from the carnage! And I'm glad that's what they chose!
Elfas: True facts. Enough talk though, let's get into the show!
The Arena is on their feet as the ominous steel structure of the Hell in a Cell is lowered into place around the ring, the crew runs out to check it. And then the lights go out, and then comes bursts of flame and pyro as the lights flare back to life an angry sullen red. 'Oblivion' by Mastodon booms over the crowd as they started to jeer as the announcer stands up.
Xanta Claus: Entering the ring at this time! Representing J-RoK and REIGN, he is the holder of the Reign Catch-as-Catch-Can plate! Hailing from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania! They call him the Scourge! DOOOOOONZIG!
The self-proclaimed Lord of Chaos stomps from the back, glaring at the fans alongside the ramp from behind his mask. He shrugs and sweeps forward, shaking his head as he circles around the massive structure of the Cell before he lifts a hand to drag across the chain-link fence of its sides.
He pauses before the announcer's table, and his masked head tilts perhaps in confusion before he shakes it. A shrug and he walks away heading for the ring stairs.
Zosty: This guy's a creep. I don't like how he's looking at us.
Elfas: Have you seen yourself? Not exactly friendly energy from you.
Zosty: NONSENSE! I AM FRIENDLIER THAN ANYONE, ESPECIALLY MY BASTARD BROTHER FROSTY!
A slow nod and he climbs the stairs before pausing at the top to reach up and remove his mask. He stares at it reverently before passing it to the ref along with his coat before he climbs through the ropes. He paces slowly, then settles into a corner sullenly staring at the commentary team with a twitching eyebrow as he mutters under his breath.
The lights go down and blacklights come up, bathing the stage in purple. A hard, grungy bassline starts to play.
'Hey, turn the bass up. Turn the bass up!'
Xanta Claus: And his opponent, he is the reigning, defending Foreside SPARK Champion! Hailing from Daytona Beach, Florida! VODDDDDDDDDKAAAAAA FIZZZZZZZ!
The base gets louder and grungier, and the lyrics come in as Vodka Fizz dives out on stage in a golf cart retrofitted with huge speakers that are playing his music. He is dressed in a full-length white fur coat, white shutter glasses, and an over-the-top white top hat, and as he drives the golf cart down the ramp he toasts fans with a yard-long cocktail flask hung around his neck full of some florescent liquid he drinks from as he drives down the ramp.
Zosty: What a character this guy is!
Elfas: A real party guy! He'd be on my nice list fosho!
When he gets to ringside, he drapes the fur coat over the seat of the golf cart and removes the top hat, keeping the shades on. he climbs up on the apron, turning to face the crowd and chugging the remnants of his large drink, finally striking a pose and spraying a mouthful of whatever it is up into the air and letting it rain over him. He grins and winks at the camera, then rolls back over the ropes into the ring.
Fizz' grin fades as he sees Donzig staring at him from across the ring, and he pauses before reaching back to slam the door to the cell shut. Donzig laughs at that, and claps his hands together before yelling at Fizz to 'Bring it on!'
Donzig vs. Vodka Fizz
Fizz wastes no time, charging across the ring to unload punch after punch on Donzig. Shoving him towards the corner, throwing stiff punch after punch into the laughing face of the Scourge. Fizz runs back and then charges in for a huge splash that brings the crowd to their feet. They cheer, and Fizz whips Donzig across the ring to slam into the far corner.
He runs in again, but this time Donzig's feet come up and boots slam hard into Fizz kicking him back as the fans boo. Donzig shakes his head, twisting his neck before he comes out of the corner to fairly leap on Fizz who is coming to his feet.
Fizz however drives an elbow into Donzig's face and follows it up with another. Donzig is rocked backwards, and Fizz wastes no time in hitting him with an enzuigiri, that drops Donzig against the ropes. The fans eat it up, and Fizz wades in to hammer away at his opponent before dragging him off the ropes. He moves behind Donzig, looking for the full nelson slam!
Zosty: Donzig coming out the gate with some explosive offense! But Fizz has a counter to just about everything he takes!
Elfas: Just going to show why he's the SPARK Champion!
But Donzig throws an elbow backwards, breaking the hold before he starts to throw stiff rights into Fizz's face. Pushing him back towards the ropes, as he fires off punch after punch. Fizz blocks, covering up as he hits the ropes. Donzig grabs his head, dragging his face across the ropes as the fans boo.
Donzig curses at them, even throwing a finger before he takes Fizz by the hair slamming his head into the turnbuckle once, twice, and--
Fizz breaks free, slamming Donzig's face-first into the turnbuckle as the fans go wild. He does it again and again, then moves back as Donzig leans in the corner with a shake of his head. And Vodka Fizz runs in, driving a knee into Donzig's face as the fans explode.
Elfas: The fan favorite Vodka Fizz keeping the fans on their toes!
Zosty: Rubbish, they're just looking to carnage and will cheer whoever causes pain or does a high spot!
The SPARK Champion lets Donzig stagger along the ropes, shaking his head before he comes off the ropes again with a hard charge. But Donzig ducks low, and comes up to throw Fizz to the outside! The fans boo, and Fizz lands in a heap!
Elfas: They'll cheer whoever does a spot, right?
Zosty: *grumbles*
Donzig roars, nearly sending the ref sprawling as he runs back to hit the ropes. And he charges across the rope, diving between the ropes at Vodka Fizz! But Fizz moves out of the way, and Donzig slams hard into the cell. He drops to the ground with a thud, and the fans are going wild as Fizz looks on and he crawls back to his feet. He spits angrily, shaking his head even as Fizz runs in to grab him.
Donzig's head slammed against the side of the cage, again and again, dragging his face across the chain links before bouncing his fence into the structure's steel supports! Blood flows, and Fizz steps back to deliver a stiff kick to his opponent.
The fans are cheering on the Spark Champion, and he wastes no time in grabbing the stunned Donzig to fling him at the ring post, and Donzig lands in a heap. Fizz walks forward, glaring as he reaches for Donzig to roll him into the ring.
Fizz climbs in after him, and nails the standing Senton as the fans go wild! The ref goes for the count, and the fans count along!
1....2....
....
KICKOUT!
Zosty: Close but no cigar! Gotta do better Voddy!
Fizz looks annoyed as the ref holds up a two, and goes back after Donzig who is crawling to his feet. Donzig reaches up and drives a thumb into Fizz's eye, and the fans boo as he staggers back grabbing at his face. Donzig sneers, wiping blood from his face as he grabs Fizz to pop a few punches into the back of his head before he flings him at the ropes.
Tackling Fizz on the rebound with a Lou Thesz Press. Dropping punches as he screams and curses at the Spark Champion before he stands with a snarl. He stands over Fizz, spreading his arms wide to mock the fans as he screams at them 'ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED, EH?'
Elfas: Actually I'm quite entertained!
The fans jeer, booing as Donzig stands there, arms wide before he snarls. He turns again, but he shouldn't have taken his eyes off of Fizz. The Spark Champion wastes no time, nailing the Scourge with a huge inverted power slam! Donzig sprawls on the mat as the fans go wild as Fizz rubs at his eye before he starts stomping and kicking away.
Vodka Fizz drags Donzig to his feet, looking for the Mind Eraser it seems! But Donzig shoves him backwards, driving Fizz towards the ropes as he staggers away with a quick shake of his head. Wagging a finger at him, Fizz frowns and slaps his head away before going for the lock-up.
But Donzig backs away and grabs Fizz by the head to drive a knee into his face. The fans boo, and Donzig sneers at them before he calls for the Event Horizon! The Stunner connects and Fizz lands in a heap as Donzig falls down, leaning over him to talk trash before he comes back to his feet with a wild gleam in his eyes.
Zosty: Just pin him Zig! A quick one-two-three and this'll be won!
Elfas: Monologuing is a villains' greatest weakness.
He shoves past the ref, and climbs the turnbuckle where he slaps his hand against his elbow before he launches himself into the air!
BUT FIZZ ROLLS AWAY!
Elfas: See?!
Donzig lands in a crash and grabs at his arm as he sprawls for a moment before he comes to his feet. And Fizz goes in for the kill, locking on the Front Sleeper Hold. Donzig flails wildly, drawing to escape as he staggers around as Fizz tightens the hold. And the fans are going crazy as Fizz drags Donzig back and forth as he starts to fade.
But then the Scourge runs hard at the corner, driving Fizz into it to break the hold. He comes off, rubbing at his neck and throat as he leans hard on the ropes with a shake of his head. Fizz grabs for him but Donzig flings him at the far ropes.
But Fizz comes off with the UNO MAS!
Zosty: UNO MAS! IT COULD BE ALL OVER HERE!
Elfas: What's an Unomas?
Zosty: No. Uno. Mas. That's his finishing move!
The place explodes, and Donzig topples before Fizz hauls him upwards to lock on the HOTDWBY! Donzig struggles, bleeding and furious as Fizz tightens the hold as the ref leans in to check on him. Then Donzig's hand snaps outward, grabbing him by the shirt to yank him forward so he stumbles into the pair. The three fall in a tangle and the hold is broken as Donzig glares at Fizz.
Fizz laughs and Donzig snarls as he comes to his feet. And he drives a clothesline into the Spark Champion to send him sprawling to the outside. The fans boo, and Donzig slides out after him to start stomping and kicking away. A string of curses and expletives escape the enraged Scourge, and he pauses to wipe his mouth.
Then he reaches under the ring, dragging out a toolbox which he hefts in his hand. He glares at Fizz, motioning for him to rise. Then he charges in, screaming for blood as the heavy toolbox misses Fizz who dives out of the way. The chain link sags, and it seems to break under the heavy blow as Donzig glares. And he swings the toolbox at Fizz, and that blow makes more of the panel's anchors give way.
Elfas: I do not like how unsafe that looks.
Zosty: It's okay we're not sponsored by OSHA. Unsafety is tight!
Donzig fumes, glaring at Fizz who leans against it with a smirk. And then he runs back again and then charges in at full steam to send both men crashing to the outside before the announce table. The fans erupt, and Donzig is up first with a scowl as he grabs at the toolbox to fling the battered metal box open.
He digs through the tools and produces a screwdriver as he leaps on Fizz. Gouging and tearing at his forehead as he screams and snarls. The fans boo, jeering as Donzig flings it aside as he lifts the now bleeding Fizz to his feet. He snaps a few chops across his chest, then flings him across the announce table. Glaring at the elf, he turns to start climbing the side of the Cell!
The place is going wild, and Fizz rolls to his feet after a moment. Staring up at the climbing Donzig, he shakes his bleeding head before he starts to climb up after him. The fans are going wild as refs run from the back trying to get the pair back down.
Elfas: This isn't safe guys, get down!
Zosty: *frothing at the mouth over the carnage*
Donzig stands on top of the Cell, waving Fizz on as he holds onto the cables that raise and lower the structure. He screams, clearly fuming as he waits on Fizz. And then he starts stomping at Fizz's hands and fingers, and the fans gasp as Fizz dangles from the Cell by one hand for a long moment!
But then he manages to hook a leg over, and pulls himself upwards! Donzig is on him in an instant, dropping punches as he chokes Fizz angrily. Hauling him back and forth atop the edge of the cell as the Scourge is clearly in a rage. Fizz reaches up a hand, raking his fingers across his face before grabbing his beard to force him back.
The place is going wild as Fizz is on his feet, and Donzig stares at him wild-eyed before they meet atop the Cell. Punches fly as they batter each other back and forth, the anchors on top of the cell creaking and popping in a warning. And then Donzig rolls past Fizz, and goes for the Stunner!
The places groans, booing as Fizz drops as Donzig stares down at him. Screaming in frustration as he realizes there is no one to count the pin, he stalks back and forth. Howling at the fans, and down at the refs as he rips at his blood-streaked beard.
Elfas: This is down to the wire!
Zosty: I know!
Fizz shakes his head, wiping back his bloody hair before he climbs to his feet. He rips Donzig around, throwing punches at the bleeding and battered Lord of Chaos. He stumbles towards the edge, almost falling before he grabs at the cable once more. Fizz yanks Donzig away from the cable, and he drives a huge boot into his chest. He grabs his head, bouncing his face against the supports on top of the structure.
The fans cheer wildly, and then Vodka Fizz hooks Donzig's arm before he lifts him into the air. And he nails the Mind Eraser on top of the Hell in a Cell, the place explodes before the chain-link panel gives away! And the pair crash against the mat below in a broken and tangled heap as the crowd is on their feet! The referees stare in shock and disbelief, and then once inside the ring dives for the count! HE COUNTS THE THREE! It's then we notice Donzig landed on top of Fizz, and has stolen this win right from under Fizz's nose!
Xanta Claus: The winner of this match, DOOOOOOOONZIG!
Zosty: Wow! It was hard to tell who won there!
Elfas: This was a close fight. Not sure the right guy won but they have a rematch in a few days, I wonder how this'll factor into that!
The cell raises and the Oblivion Death Squad rushes the ring. But instead of attacking Fizz they help Donzig to his feet and get him out of the ring. Donzig celebrates atop the ramp as Fizz begins to shake the cobwebs and realize what happened.
Zosty: So, this next match is D taking on Esmeralda von Krauss in a Tartarus Death match. If D wins, then Alyssa Lucchi slips from Esmeralda’s clutches. If not, well…I guess I don’t really know.
Elfas: The cage is scary, Zosta.
Zosty: As it should be. Only the most dire of situations would bring about a match like this.
Elfas: I would hate to be in their shoes. It’s my understanding that the cage is occasionally electrified and the lights will go out at random times?
Zosty: You hit the nail on the head. This match will not be pretty.
“Circus Apocalypse” by Vermillion Lies begins playing as Hehehe and Hahaha waddle out onto the entrance stage to the boos of the fans. They step apart to allow Esmeralda von Krauss through. She stands in a dark red and white wrestling singlet that hugs every curve. She has a similarly colored foot long holder that she smokes an Egyptian cigarette. She looks around at the booing crowd with disdain as she leads the twins down to the ring. She steps into the ring to the catcalls from the crowd and leans in a corner while smoking her cigarette still.
Esmeralda looks up at the black iron cage that hangs over the ring. The twins stand in the middle of the ring and look up into the air as if they have never seen a cage before in their lives. They point at it while trying to get Esmeralda’s attention.
Hehehe: That looks-
Hahaha: Dangerous, mistress.
Esmeralda shakes her head and blows smoke at them with a laugh.
Esmeralda von Krauss: Of course it is, dahlings. Now, get out of the ring. It should only be me and my precious Judge standing in the ring when this starts.
Hehehe: Are you-
Hahaha: Sure you want that?
Esmeralda von Krauss: I will earn my Judge back in a respectful manner. I am not my husband.
Hehehe and Hahaha exits the ring and stand just outside of where the cage will come down.
Zosty: So Esmeralda is not going to rely on outside interference to win this match?
Elfas: It would seem not. Also, what’s outside interference?
Zosty: It’s when those twins would come into the ring and disrupt the match or attack D in some way. It works to win matches sometimes.
Elfas: That sure sounds like a way to get on Santa’s Naughty list for sure.
Zosty: I am not sure that Esmeralda really cares about Santa’s list.
Elfas: Everyone should care about Santa’s list! How else would you get presents?
Zosty: Her husband buys her presents.
Elfas: That’s CHEATING!
”Freak” by Silverchair begins playing as D walks out from the back with his warpaint on his face. He looks around at the cheering crowd, cracking a small smile as he is touched by their support. He makes his way down to the ring, looking up at the cage hanging high overhead. He makes a note that Hehehe and Hahaha will not be inside the cage when the match starts and nods to himself as he steps into the ring ad begins warming up.
Zosty: It seems that D loves Alyssa and wants to get her out of Esmeralda’s control so that he can also slip out of her control.
Elfas: Then, I hope that D wins the match
Zosty: I don’t rightly care. I want a good match.
Elfas: What would be good?
Zosty: Good and violent.
D and Esmeralda look up as the dangerous cage is being lowered down into place. Esmeralda flicks her cigarette butt into the crowd and drops her holder to the mat. The cage clangs into place, arcs of electricity moving across the bars to show that it is indeed active at the moment.
Esmeralda von Krauss: You still want to do this, dahling? There is no dishonor in backing down and accepting your fate.
D: We will be done with you forever after tonight.
Esmeralda von Krauss: Don’t count on it.
Esmerelda von Krauss vs. D
As the bell sounds to start the match, Esmeralda reaches for her thigh where she has her upholstery needles still. She flicks one at D’s head, who snatches it out of the air and sends it right back. Esmeralda lunges under the flying needle, planting her hands onto the mat, and flipping into a kick to the side of the head that D avoids with ease. Esmeralda lands on her feet, constantly moving and throws a spinning elbow at D. This time she catches him in the side of the head.
D staggers backwards a few steps before Esmeralda throws a roundhouse kick. D slips under the kick and behind her, hitting a German suplex. Both are back on their feet in an instant, Esmeralda driving a knife edge hand at D’s ribcage, but he deflects the arm up and strikes Esmeralda in the side of the ribcage with a palm with an audible clap that sends Esmeralda back a step.
D continues his offensive, grabbing Esmeralda for a belly to belly suplex, but Esmeralda surprises him with a solid headbutt to the bridge of the nose hard enough to knock his head back and break his grip on her. Blood flies up in a high arc from D’s nose. Esmeralda continues her offensive, taking D down with a roundhouse leg lariat.
Elfas: Esmeralda is vicious!
Zosty: But you knew that before the match even started.
Elfas: Yes, but I didn’t expect blood to be drawn so soon.
Zosty: What did you think Esmeralda was going for when she was aiming at his ribs?
Elfas: Abdominal claw?
Zosty: She was going to rip one out and beat him with it.
Elfas: Oh my. That is very naughty.
D jumps back to his feet, wiping at his face with the back of his hand with an angry look at Esmeralda. She begins to make a move when the lights go out!
There’s a loud clang as someone hits the cage wall and drops to the ring apron. The lights go back on and the crowd sees Esmeralda getting back to her feet with a shout of anger as she looks to the inside of the ring at D, who smiles. Esmeralda’s hand goes to her forehead where dark red blood spills down the side of her face. Her eyes narrow. She grabs the top rope and jumps over them, D keeping a healthy distance away.
Esmeralda goes for a run, leaping through the air and going for a massive kick to D’s right knee. D easily sidesteps and Esmeralda lands. She drops down for a legsweep, but D jumps up into the air, hitting a moonsault double heel kick to Esmeralda’s shoulder. He springs away from her in a backflip, but Esmeralda leaps into the air, slamming her shoulder into D’s spine. She holds onto him in what appears to be a inverse bodyslam position and throws him into the wall of the cage as things start to hum. D lets out a howl of pain as electricity arcs across his body and keeps him pinned to the wall. The humming stops and he drops to the ring apron.
Elfas: That was a turn around. D’s still twitchin’. A very naughty move it was.
Zosty: You know it. Maybe together they can get enough coal to fuel the grill.
Elfas: Don’t you sorta melt near grills?
Zosty: There’s pain, but there’s reward for that pain.
Esmeralda watches as D gets to his feet quickly, but just a bit slower than before.
Esmeralda von Krauss: There is no dishonor in losing tonight, dahling. Just give up.
D: I will not.
Esmeralda von Krauss: Suit yourself.
Esmeralda comes at D, grabs the top rope, and lunges with a knee to strike D in the midsection when the lights go out! There is the sound of someone slamming into the mat and when the lights come back on, D is standing in the middle of the ring with Esmeralda on her back on the mat.
Esmeralda jumps back to her feet, looking steamed that she missed her attack when the lights went out. She leaps into a forward flip axe kick that D easily side steps. However, Esmeralda twists in midair before she lands on the mat, kicking D in the side of the head hard enough to level him. D rolls through the kick into a cartwheel before hitting the ropes and coming back with a drop kick attempt. Esmeralda drops into the splits to avoid. D hits the middle rope with his drop kick, springing back into a backflip where he drills the back of Esmeralda’s head with the drop kick!
Elfas: Dang, they move pretty fast!
Zosty: They are skilled fighters. They should be so fast.
D gets Esmeralda up into an abdominal stretch, cranking on the pressure. He doesn’t have it on for very long before Esmeralda throws him over with a hip toss to get out of the move. D rolls through the move back to his feet and spins around, slamming Esmeralda in the midsection with an elbow. He gets her up into a fireman’s carry position. He spins around for a minute before dumping her over the ropes as the cage begins to hum. He drills her with a drop kick as she is standing up so that she falls backwards into the cage and lets out a shout of pain as the electricity claims her with power arcing across her limbs.
Esmeralda grits her teeth while holding onto the cage with one hand, grabs D by the arm with the other for a nasty chain shock! As the humming stops, Esmeralda releases the cage and grabs D with both hands for an over the top rope belly to belly suplex that sends D face first into the cage wall!
Elfas: How did she do that?
Zosty: You have to have incredible stamina to pull something like that off.
Esmeralda grabs the back of D’s head and smashes him face first back into the cage. That’s when the lights go out.
When they come back on, Esmeralda is still standing on the ring apron while D is in the middle of the ring. He’s bleeding a bit heavier now from a gash on his forehead.
Esmeralda steps through the ropes, keeping her eyes on D. She does a slow clap as she gets back into the ring.
Esmeralda von Krauss: You have done well for yourself so far. You really think that you can win, dahling? I am Justice!
D doesn’t answer, but glides into an offensive fighting stance.
D launches himself at Esmeralda, ducking under an upholstery needle being thrown, and coming up with a leaping uppercut that Esmeralda backs up while twisting at the waist. She hits a double palm strike to the midsection of D, sending him flying backwards to the middle of the ring. He lands on his back with Esmeralda backing up to the ropes and running at D full speed. She does a flip through the air before dropping a leg onto the mat as D has rolled out of the way. He spins around on a hand, smashing Esmeralda in the side of the head with a kick and sending a spray of dark red blood and spittle through the air.
D backs away while Esmeralda lays on the mat and the ref begins to count her out.
One
Two
Three
Four
Esmeralda gets up!
Esmeralda stands up, getting into an aggressive fighting stance as blood trickles from the corners of her mouth. She leaps at D with a flurry of strikes with her hands that D has to fight hard to put up a wall of defense with blocks and deflections. Suddenly, Esmeralda brings down an arm to slam down both of D’s arms and seizes him by the collar bone, her fingers driving through flesh. D is driven down to his knees, his face a mask of pain as blood streams from the wound inflicted. Esmeralda’s smile is as cruel as ever as she knows that she has the upper hand.
Esmeralda von Krauss: Now is the time to surrender or die
D: I won’t surrender. If I die, you’ll have no reason to keep Alyssa under your thumb.
Esmeralda von Krauss: When you’re right, you’re right.
Esmeralda releases D’s collar bone with a spray of blood just before striking him in the jaw with a knee lift that sends D bouncing backwards to the mat where he lies still, a pool of blood forming around his shoulder. Esmeralda backs away to let the ref in.
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Si-D gets back to his feet, though pretty slow about doing it.
Elfas: D is bleeding pretty badly. He should really think about surrender.
Zosty: He won’t though.
Elfas: I suppose if he dies in the ring, he will take Esmeralda’s prize off of the table.
Zosty: Right.
D launches his own flurry of strikes, elbows, and kicks that keep Esmeralda backing up, though it can be told that D is getting slower. Esmeralda backs D away with a quick backflip kick that lands Esmeralda on the top rope from the side. Her momentum carries her like an arrow being pulled back in a bow.
Esmeralda launches herself at D for a high spear move (one that targets the throat and upper chest), but D side steps. It does not save him from the upholstery needle being flicked in his direction since the spear was a feint. The needle goes into the right side of D’s chest and goes all the way through to eject out the other side. D’s eyes go wide as his right lung begins to deflate from the injury, blood and bubbles coming out of the hole.
Esmeralda puts out her hands to catch her, carrying through the flip to land on her feet. That’s when the lights go out.
There is the sound of a loud smack and someone hitting the mat. When the lights come back on, D is standing over Esmeralda where a red handprint is forming over her heart. Esmeralda starts to move, but D drives a bloodied upholstery needle into her heart and steps back.
The ref looks at the chaos with wide eyes and seems to be uncertain about continuing the match at all, but begins to count Esmeralda out.
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Esmeralda yanks the upholstery needle out of her chest, causing a geyser of dark red blood to spray directly upwards.
Seven
Eight
Ni-Esmeralda gets to her feet, bleeding severely from the wound in her chest. She smiles at D. She too has started to slow down.
Esmeralda von Krauss: Yes, killing me will end this in your favor. Can’t be under the thumb of one who is dead.
D: You won’t die today. Just be defeated. Surrender now, Esmeralda.
Esmeralda launches herself suddenly at D. She cuts to the side while also throwing a needle at D. He deflects the needle while Esmeralda goes to the ropes and comes back. She cuts away again. throwing another needle while she goes to the ropes again. This happens five or six more times until she doesn’t cut away.
D deflects the needle with relative ease, but then Esmeralda ducks down in her lunging and leaps up into the air with a vicious uppercut palm strike to the lower jaw that sends D flying backwards where he lands on his back. Esmeralda steps back to watch the ref count.
Zosty: JUSTICE! Justice has been served!
Elfas: That was brutal to watch! She caught D in a pattern and then broke it to finish the match.
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
D tries to get up, but falls onto his back.
Ten!
Elfas: And Esmeralda has won the right to keep Alyssa Lucchi in her service and by extension, D.
Zosty: I guess that’s the way the rubber gets filled.
Elfas: The what?
Zosty: You know. The thing you put on your penis in order to not have babies.
Elfas: Condom? You could have said “That’s life”, but you compared the whole thing to a condom being filled?
Zosty: Zosty the Snowman here. Dirty as fuck, ybou people get what you get.
Elfas: Naughty list.
Zosty: How do you think I get new buttons, eyes, and a mouth? Coal.
Elfas: Oh, right.
Inside the ring, Esmeralda starts to walk away as the cage is being lifted. She is greeted by Hehehe and Hahaha. She pats them on their heads and turns back to D, who is slow to rise. She walks back over and extends a hand.
Esmeralda von Krauss: I will never be able to make up for what I took from you and Alyssa both. It was wrong of me and I am sure that we will have this fight again in the future. For now, let’s let the past be the past. Your fellow Judges need you now more than ever as we fight an organization called the Red Thirst. I need you. Please. If not for me, then fight for them.
D seems to consider and then sighs, extending his hand so that Esmeralda can help him up.
Esmeralda von Krauss: Now, let’s get you to the hospital.
D: And you?
Esmeralda’s wounds are already healing. She smiles.
Esmeralda von Krauss: I am most always fine. Let’s get you healthy.
D: The Red Thirst is an international criminal organization. Lots of money being funded into it. Lots of unnatural folks. I don’t know if you know how much danger you are in.
Esmeralda von Krauss: I have you now. There is no danger that we should fear.
EMTs rush to check on D as they are headed to the back. Esmeralda helps him onto the stretcher and they take him to the back. Esmeralda and her twins make their way to the back as well.
Zosty: Oh boy, it’s time for the XHF Tag Team Championship match!
Elfas: A Very Shistorm Christmas!
Zosty: This structure does not looks safe, you know, it’s no surprise Mongo didn’t want anything to to with this.
Elfas: But the violence continues!
The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash red, white, and blue to the beat of the opening riffs of “American Males” by Jimmy Hart plays over the P.A. Curtis Kanyon and Steve Awesome emerge from the entryway wearing matching sequined leather jackets. Curtis is also carrying his trusty sledgehammer over his shoulder. Curtis and Steve high five and then head down to the ring. Curtis rolls in to the ring and heads to a corner. Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. At the same time, Curtis hoists his hammer into the air and yells “BANG!” They both get a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind them.
Zosty: Here come the former Champs, now come as challengers.
Elfas: The BANG! Bros are XHF veterans, they’ve been in crazy situations like this before.
Zosty: So you have to wonder what they have in store for us.
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Elfas: Here comes the reigning XHF Tag Team Champions!
Zosty: The Crinkly Bottom Bois!!!
The lights flicker on and off in each tier of the Shitstorm structure while the camera pans around. On one side of the ring Steve Awesome and Curtis Kanyon are strategising for the match while in the other Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby are waving to the lucky fans in attendance for this monstrosity of a match. The referee calls for the bell, and not only does the match start, but time begins to count down.
Zosty: I hope this match ends before that timer counts down.
Elfas: I don’t really want to be here when it does.
A Very Shitstorm Christmas Match, Sponsored by Shitstorm 3: Santa's Been Naughty; the movie, based on the musical, based on the play, plagiarised from the novel, in collaboration with Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon Pictures, in conjunction with the XHF Network, starring Steve Awesome, featuring Curtis Kanyon, Blobby, Noel Edmonds, and special appearance by Tom Cruise as the Dog. Oh hey this is for the XHF Tag Team Chanpionships too.
BANG! Bros (Curtis D. Kanyon/Steve Awesome) vs Crinkly Bottom Boys (Noel Edmonds/Mr. Blobby)
Immediately the four wrestlers in the ring charge at each other. Kanyon tears across the ring to hit Blobby with a BANG! But Blobby was ready for it and he thrusts his massive girth into Kanyon, forcing him to bounce off and roll away. Meanwhile Noel holds his hands up ready for a fight as Steve Awesome approaches, Noel begins shouting about how he enjoys Steve’s movies. Shitstorm is his favourite. Steve smiles, before he looks up and the glint of the XHF Tag Team Championships, he smirks and acts like he’s going to superkick Noel but then kicks him in the shin - but still does the thigh slap - Edmonds hops around holding his shin.
Zosty: Oh! Sweet Shin Music!
Elfas: The devastation that is Steve Awesome!
Blobby runs across the ring and picks up Steve Awesome almost like a rugby tackle pushing him over the ropes and tumbling to the outside and into the glass structure face first. Those in the front row get an amazing view of Steve’s duck lips pressed up against the glass. Back inside the ring, Noel is shouting at Blobby to deal with Kanyon, while Edmonds awkwardly drops to the mat right in the middle of the ring, before rolling over and over and over to get to the apron and drop to the floor, lifting up the apron to slowly and with a lot of effort, pull out a ladder from under the ring.
Zosty: Oh, hey, old man Noel is trying to actually execute some kind of strategy.
Elfas: Did he not think he’d have one?
Zosty: I thought he’d bumble his way through maybe.
Elfas: You underestimate the power of Edmonds.
Back inside the ring Mr Blobby is literally sitting on Curtis Kanyon to try and keep him down on the mat. Kanyon wriggles around and screams bloody murder at Blobby who begins to bounce just a little causing the air to rush out of Kanyons lungs with each bounce. Noel slowly pushes the ladder into the ring and Blobby stands up to help start setting the ladder up. As Noel and Blobby struggle with the ladder, they finally get it set up and Blobby tries to climb, immediately causing Noel to fall off. Edmonds steps to the side and begins to shout at Blobby, who also steps off to the side. As Blobby is shouting at Noel, about how he should climb because he’s quicker, Blobby suddenly reaches out and shoves Noel Edmonds….OUT OF THE WAY as Curtis Kanyon screams across the ring, rage in his eyes, Noel is shoved out of his path, and Curtis collides with Steve Awesome, who falls back off the apron to the floor.
Zosty: Oh poor Steve is back down again.
Elfas: It’s good for the Crinkly Bottom Boys to try and keep the BANG! Bros separated. Even if it is by fluke.
With Kanyon distracted Noel begins to try and scramble up the ladder as fast as his old ass legs will allow. He shouts at Blobby to get him, and Blobby obeys, going for Curtis Kanyon, who after looking down at Steve and apologising turns around to see the ominous figure of Mr Blobby approaching. Kanyon starts to roll his neck, he rolls his shoulders, raises his fists and just as Blobby gets within range he steps forward and with one mighty kick hits Blobby right between the legs, with such force that for almost a second Curtis’ foot disappears into the blobby mess that is Mr Blobby. The crowd all groan together, as Blobby moves his hands to the spot and slowly falls to the floor.
Zosty: Oh come on!
Elfas: Right in the blobsicles!
Zosty: Is that even a thing?
Elfas: It is now.
Steve seems almost invigorated by the audible groan from the crowd, as if he could sense a nut shot from miles away. He pops back to his feet and slides into the ring, both Steve and Curtis now looking up at Noel who is struggling with the latch to open into the next tier of the Shitstorm structure. The walls covered with weapons and explosives. Kanyon and Awesome look at each other with a smirk, and simply move the ladder away from Noel. Edmonds clings to the latch with all his might, his legs swinging and kicking about in the air.
Elfas: Can the old man hold on?
Zosty: I don’t see this ending well.
He can’t hold on for long and he knows it, but Edmonds pulls and yanks as much as he can. As the latch opens and drops down the force causes Edmonds to drop from the top of the first structure, Kanyon shifts and catches him before Awesome repositions and SNAPSHOT DDT! The crowd erupt as Noel Edmonds is slammed into the mat with authority and some hellish impact. Steve and Curtis are back on their feet, as they smirk and look upwards. They reposition the ladder and both immediately begin climbing up towards the latch into the second cage. Kanyon starts frantically looking around the walls for something specific. He passes over a crowbar, a sledgehammer, a 4ft purple dildo, a barbed wire baseball bat, before finally he pulls a large bottle of the cage wall. He turns to present it to the camera; Shitstorm Anal Lube©.
Zosty: Are you fucking kidding me?
Elfas: We gotta get that product placement where we can.
Zosty: Of all the things to use?
Elfas: Hey Steve Awesome signed it off.
Back in the ring Blobby is back to his feet and slowly dragging Noel back to his. While above Steve awesome tries to pull the latch back up so that he can wedge it closed with a sledgehammer, but before he can Curtis begins to squirt the large bottle of lube all over himself and Steve Awesome. The lube pours down from the second tier all over Mr Blobby, he wibbles and wobbles before Steve drops the latch and the crowbar, which falls and lands on Blobby’s head. It takes a second for him to register the contact before simply falling like a chopped down tree.
Elfas: I think Blobby might have just forgotten a few more years of his life.
Zosty: There’s no way he hasn’t suffered brain damage from this.
Noel looks genuinely worried for a moment, as Steve tries to argue with Curtis, but Kanyon is busy rubbing the lube all over himself and posing as his skin glistens in the lights. Steve pauses for a moment to rub the lube over himself too and pull out some photograph worthy poses for the fans in the crowd, before asking Kanyon why? Kanyon shouts that it’s promotion for the movie, plus is fire resistant! As he points to the explosives around the cage. Noel now has the crowbar in hand, and begins to climb the ladder, while Steve and Curtis both grab smaller step ladders off the walls and set them up either side of the hatch. The struggle to climb as the lube is super effective.
Zosty: As pre-emptive as this supposedly fire-proof Anal Lube might seem like a good idea, it seems to be causing an issue for the BANG! Bros right now.
Elfas: It’s never a bad idea to use lube.
The crowd suddenly erupt as a small white chihuahua emerges from under the ring and begins to run around the ring, barking all the while, only, the dog…..has Tom Cruise’s head on it….it is literally Tom Cruise shouting “bark! Bark!” before he runs up the stairs and into the ring. Tom Cruise trots around the form of Blobby on his tip toes, circling him once, then twice, before waggling his tail and leaping up onto the rotund form of Blobby and slowly walking up to his face. Tom Cruise looks up to the crowd, who are roaring like wild.fire and begins to lick the face of Mr Blobby.
Zosty: What the actual fuck is happening!?
Elfas: That chihuahua just woke up Blobby!
Zosty: THAT CHIHUAHUA HAS TOM CRUISE’S HEAD ON IT!
Elfas: I’ve seen weirder things.
Like a shot Blobby is awake. He looks up and waves his hands excitedly shouting Blobby! Blobby! Blobby! He leaps to his feet just as Noel climbs through the hatch. Edmonds roars as he swings the crowbar right into the ladder Steve Awesome is trying to climb on, and it cause Awesome to slip and land on his back. Edmonds brings it around and takes out the ladder of Curtis Kanyon, but the former President of the United States of America had grabbed onto the latch leading to the final tier. The lube is dripping from his body but Kanyon manages to juuuuuuust hold on, he tries to pull himself up, as Noel Edmonds climbs into the second tier properly. He throws the crowbar at Kanyon and it hits him in the hands just as Kanyon pulls the latch open. He falls down onto his back, but is back on his feet just in time. Edmonds stands between Awesome and Kanyon, who glisten like vampires from Twilight in the light. Edmonds realises he’s in a bad place without the crowbar, when both Steve and Curtis spring to life! KISS! KISS! BANG! BANG! Awesome nails Edmonds with a superkiick, before Kanyon nails him with a BANG! Through the hatch! Kanyon and Noel plummet through the gate between the tiers towards the ring itself.
Zosty: BANG! THROUGH THE HOLE!
Elfas: OH MY OTHERWORLDLY PRESENCE!
At the last minute Blobby drops Tom Cruise the dog, and dives to the floor, landing on his back so that both Noel Edmonds and Curtis Kanyon land on Blobby before bouncing off him to the mat. Above them all the timer begins to count down bleeping loudly. Steve throws his arms into the arm before diving to the floor and covering himself up as much as he could. Curtis curls up into a ball and tries to protect himself as much as he can, while Blobby dives on top of Noel Edmonds to protect him. A huge pyro pops off as the glass in tier one wobbles.
Elfas: DUCK!
Zosty: OH SHHHH–UGAR!
Elfas: ….wait.
The crowd grow a little grumpy with the lack of explosions and just as they are about to voice their opinion there is an ungodly loud BANG! As the explosives in Tier 2 explode, and the glass structure of tier one held up in the corners by a metal frome shatters and explodes all over the place. The plastic structures in front of the fans are hit with a barrage of glass, as too are the competitors inside the ring. Kanyon shouts out as shards of glass stab and slash at him, while Blobby screams in one long continual Blobbeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh as several shards of glass impale him. In the second tier, Steve Awesome is curved up in a ball with his hands over his head rocking back and forth.
Elfas: That looks like a man with some brand new trauma to have to process.
Zosty: I CAN’T IMAGINE HOW LOUD THAT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR STEVE
Elfas: Woah, Zosty, calm down, you’re shouting.
Zosty: YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP, I THINK THE EXPLOSIONS HURT MY EARS!
Elfas: For crying out loud….
Zosty: HAH!?
Blobby slowly begins to rise to his feet, heading towards the ladder. He uses his incredible Blobby strength to pull himself right to the top, before reaching up and pulling himself into the second tier. The smoke is finally clearing, and Steve Awesome begins to rise to his feet. He tries to grab Blobby but the shards of glass sticking out of him get in the way. He tries to get around this by grabbing a baseball bat off the wall, he takes a swing of the bat and it collides with one of the shards of glass with such impact that the glass goes into the bat and comes out of Awesome’s hands. Blobby screams in agony again as he stares Steve Awesome down.
Elfas: Oh dear lord, imagine that beast staring you down like this!?
Zosty: I’D PROBABLY SHIT MYSELF IF I’M HONEST.
Elfas: Okay you might not want to shout that so loud.
Blobby charges Steve down, as Awesome tries to turn and run. Steve heads across the second tier making eye constant with the camera and screams out “This is the second most terrifying shitstorm I’ve ever seen! Don’t forget to preorder your digital Shitstorm© NFT’s online!” before Blobby slams him into the cage wall with a huge and stabby and painful splash. Steve folds into a heap as Blobby steps off, turning around to face the final climb.
Zosty: MORE FUCKING PRODUCT PLACEMENT! -Oh…my ears popped.
Elfas: Thank you, about time.
Blobby begins to climb up to the third and final tier. The thick grease soaked bars now aflame after the timer went off. He hefts himself up, pain and agony in his dead eyes. As he pulls himself up, some of the grease on fire touches his hand and immediately sets his entire body on fire. Blobby screams in agony as he pulls himself up into the top tier, Shirtstorm Anal Lube covering his body and on fire, with shards of glass sticking out of him, and a baseball bat attached to one shard. As those dead eyes pierce the crowd, Blobby screams in agony as he reaches up and collects the XHF Tag Team Championships! The bell rings, and the crowd are stunned, as the terrifying image of Mr Blobby holding both the XHF Tag Team Championships, with the glass, baseball bat, and fire, while screaming in absolute agony.
Zosty: The Crinkly Bottom boys have done it! They have retained the XHF Tag Team Championships here at Oh Violent Night!
Elfas: What an absolute ball of insanity we have witnessed here tonight.
Zosty: I think those screams are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
Elfas: Everytime there’s silence, it will be all I hear, for all eternity.
Zosty: But congratulations to the Crinkly Bottom Boys, Noel Edmons, and the enigma that is, Mr Blobby, STILL you XHF Tag Team Champions!
First-aiders and EMT’s rush to the ring, with fire extinguishers to help put Blobby out, all the while his screams echo through the arena.
The tron suddenly shows a video of a roaring fireplace, just the kind of pirate signal that plagues these unsanctioned events. Sitting next to the flames, a solitary figure enjoys a tumbler of The Macallan 1926. Resting his scotch on a nearby table, The Final Boss turns to greet the camera with a chillingly cold smile.
Zoran Sainovic: Practical advice. Zere is a reason federations use ze infrastructure of a Network. Take ze XHF for example. Zey have spent years testing and fine tuning zeir brand, so zat when it comes to aspects like broadcast rights and security – zey function significantly more productively zan your average pop-up show. Unsanctioned events – such as Oh Violent Night - can open ze door to all sorts of ...undesired elements.
Happy Holidays.
Ze world slows down around zis time year, doesn’t it? You really start to notice it when you’re dead. So with entirely too much time on my hands, I turn on ze television and what do I see, an advertisement for Xtreme X*mas! All ze hardcore icons are zere: Black, Jamester, Price, and Kane. Yet, where is ze Final Boss? Or even Pepe Morales? Why weren’t zey invited to zis blood drive of ultra violent heroes? ...I guess ze organizers wanted one of zose four to win…
Yet ze hardcore slight reminds me of unfinished business. End of Days. When I proved to ze world zat I was without a doubt ze closest zing ze XHF has to a king of ze death matches, in everything but crown. Yet robbed of zat final victory, my sadistic legacy is in doubt. Zat needs to be corrected.
Ze other half of my legacy? I am MISTER Hegemony. Ze Battle for Hegemony might have a reputation as Supremacy’s little brother with ze twenty dollar word zat ze majority of its audience are too poor to purchase, but its where I made a name for myself. ZIS YEAR, MISTER Hegemony makes it zree for zree. So as ze REAL winner of ze 2020 End of Days, I’m challenging ze winner of ze 2021 End of Days to a match at ze B F H.
...But not just any match. Ze Overkill. Ze most violent match ze XHF has ever seen. Glass. Barbwire. Electrified fences. Cactuses. C4. Land mines. Time bombs. Sharks. Crocodiles. Piranha. Scorpions. Bears. As if I bought a zoo just so you could buy the farm. Every disturbing jisatsu gimmick all shoved into ze ringside area, and in ze centre of it – ze two of us. Me and you... whoever ze 2021End of Days winner is... probably Donzig, unless zey screwed him like zey screwed zis Final Boss.
XHF fringe. Know zat at Battle For Hegemony, I’m going to destroy ze End of Days 2021 winner in a match so violent, it’ll make you zink ZIS EVENT should have been sanctioned. ...Zat is, if he’s man enough to accept?
There is that forced smile again. Zoran Sainovic returns to his scotch, turning his back to the camera like he had to return to more important things. Like fencing the hot Christmas he stole.
Elfas: Well folks, we sure have had a swell show thus far – but this next match is the one I’ve been most excited for!
Zosty: You can say that again, Elfas! Why according to my cue cards, this is a grudge match over twenty-one months in the making. Think of the blood! El Combatiente and Lord Dominicus – The Maski Bois – were the favourites to win SWAT’s 2020 Anzac Cup. The way they crushed The SAGA in the first round, you’d think the masked duo would be multi-time tag champions by now!
Elfas: Are they?
Zosty: They are not. See El Combatiente is one of those self-righteous goody two-shoe types that can’t abide bending rules, while Dominicus is a realist. Who knew that extreme secrecy around ones real identity couldn’t form the basis for a lasting partnership.
Elfas: It can’t?
Zosty: It cannot. So the Maski Bois imploded despite being the most talented team in the field. They had a brief follow-up match at Battleground 27 on May 17th, 2020, but Combatiente’s manager, Javier Nunez, made sure that the results were less than climactic. In the year and a half since their failed tag experiment both men have found remarkable singles success – becoming dominant champions, and poster boys for SWAT and NPW respectively. As those federations left the Network this year, and the XHF looks forwards to a 2022 free of any mention of those haunts, there was no better time for these two to put their sordid past to rest!
Elfas: Wowie. Those are really informative cue cards. Well now I’m even more excited to see this match!
Zosty: Should be an absolute bloodba- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE RING?
The ring has been transformed into what could charitably be described as a sleazy love motel room – every inch covered with a wide array of hearted themed objects.
Zosty: I thought this was a Christmas Show? Is it Valentine’s Day? Did I black out January again? What happened to January?
Elfas: No need to fret dear chum, this IS the Christmas Show – you didn’t miss it. This is just happens to be a Broken Hearts match.
Zosty: Wait, do you have cue cards?
Elfas: I do! “The Broken Hearts match is for people who have had their hearts broken.” That is so sad. Makes me want to give them a big hug. So the two men had their hearts set on winning the Anzac, only to experience heartache. Or in befriending Dominicus, Javier broke Combatiente’s heart. Or in choosing Combatiente over The Lord, Javier broke Dominicus’ heart.
Zosty: So why not have an emotional baggage match? I guess heartbreak is something everyone can identity with, so this is actually inclusive for all of the viewers that might not celebrate Christmas.
Elfas: Don’t be a silly billy, everyone celebrates Christmas!
The house lights dim as announcer Balls Mahoney dressed as Santa staggers into a spotlight, almost slipping on a polaroid of Javier bringing a stuffed teddy bear to El Combatiente in the hospital.
Xanta Claus: The following contest has a thirty minute time limit, is scheduled for one fall and is THE BROKEN HEARTS MATCH!
Crowd: We couldn’t tell from the state of the ring POP!
Xanta Claus: Any of the heart and heartbreak themed plunder at ringside is legal. You want to beat your former lover with a bouquet of roses? Happy Holidays! But hit a casual acquaintance with a non-heart related object, like a pool cue? Bah Humbug! You’d better believe that’s a disqualification.
Elfas: Gosh. Is all wrestling this complicated?
Zosty: When it comes to matters of the heart...
The opening of the Game’s “One Blood” hits the PA system and El Combatiente follows his manager Javier onto the stage.
Elfas: Which wrestler is that?
Zosty: I’m all out of cue cards.
Tenay: Perhaps, I can be of assistance!
Elfas: Oh thank you! If that nametag doesn’t deceive me, we have just been joined on commentary by “The Professor” Mike Tenay!
Zosty: Professor of what exactly? This chump doesn’t look fit to pick his own nose, let alone teach others how. Probably end up poking his eye out.
Tenay: The organizers of this event knew you gentlemen would be great with all the wild brawls, but as this contests features masked wrestlers – they thought I could add some insights, given my extensive knowledge of lucha libre. Many of my hes’panic friends refer to me as an encyclopaedia of wrestling, or in Spanish “gilipollas de mansplaining gringo idiota.”
Elfas: That was so sweet of them to help us. Welcome aboard, gringo idiota!
Up at the entrance the two men look around soaking up their surroundings until El Combatiente breaks into a full sprint for the ring! He has to shift his charge to avoid the large cherub covered fountain that belches out rose petal laden water at ringside, before slides into the ring. Javier’s slow march to ringside is made even more laboured when he sees a collage of photographs from the time him and Lord Dominicus went on vacation to Euro Disneyland. In the ring, El Combatiente also looks uncomfortable, stretching against the ropes next to a giant oil painting of Dominicus and Javier riding a tandem bike together. Combatiente doesn’t need to search for a signature; he can tell from the brush strokes that Javier painted it.
Xanta Claus: First, please applaud like your presents depended on it, for the man entering at this time, hailing from South Los Angeles, California. He stands at 5’9” and weighs in at 219 pounds..
EL COMBATIENTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tenay: So if that’s El Combatientay, then the sad looking man on the outside of the ring must be none other than Sir Dominicas.
Elfas: Not to be a Nelly Knowitall, but Lord Dominicus hasn’t come out yet, so that’ll be Javier.
The lights dim and smoke pumps from the stage area as "The Bear Song" by Green Jelly starts to cut through the atmosphere.
Xanta Claus: And his opponent -
A large figure begins to emerge from the mist.
Kris Kringle: GIVE ME YOUR MAMMARY SECRETIONS AND COOKIES, FLESHLINGS!
Pyro reflects off the shiny CAR Athletic Cup jockstrap that Lord Dominicus’ is sporting. Also of note is that Dominicus appears to riding on top of Santa Claus like Father Christmas was a giant undead reptile tank. Dinosaur Bones isn’t fooling anyone with his fake beard and red hat. The fans keep their cookies to themselves. The Dread Lord would consume their mcnugget shaped heads, but The Lord has a heart to break.
Elfas: Hold the phone, two Santas? That can’t be right. One of them must be Santa’s helper!
Zosty: You’re pathetic.
The beast lumbers down the aisle, stopping to take a sip from the fountain just long enough for Lord Dominicus to leap off into the ring.
Xanta Claus: Coming to us from PARTS UNKNOWN, he stands at 6’ and weighs in at 181 pounds... put your hands together like he has you on a list...
THE REAL LORD DOMINICUS!!!!
Tenay: Little known fact, Lord Dominicas is not actually the first wrestler to wear that mask. Many believe that this Lord Dominicas is the son of the original Lord Dominicas.
Elfas: So this is actually, El Hijo del Dominicus?
Tenay: I don’t understand what you’re saying. Hijo - is that Japanese?
Elfas: It’s spa- hey, where did Santa go? He seems to have disappeared. It must have been the authentic one! He really is magic!
Zosty: It takes a special kind of ADD to misplace a Dinosaur skeleton. Pay closer attention you Keebler halfwit!
Javier turns his back on the ring, confronted by too many painful memories of his former friendship. Inside the squared circle, The Maski Bois attempt to stare each other down - at least you think they do. The masks make them very hard to read.
Lord Dominicus vs. El Combatiente
DING! DING! DING!
Elfas: And they’re off!
Tenay: Expect a lot of chain wrestling-
The two men circle each other.
El Combatiente looks around at the plethora of heart shaped debris at his disposal, and reaches down in mid-circle to pick up a spicy cinnamon heart candy. Lord Dominicus is about to shoot in for a takedown, when Combatiente flicks the hard candy into LD’s mouth. Gross. Almost swallowing the spicy treat, Dominicus is quick to DominiSpit it out – and then starts running his nails on his tongue hoping to DominiScrape off the horrible cinnamon flavour. While LD is distracted, Combatiente shoots in – but Dominicus has the presence of mind to roll away.
EL Combatiente: Y te llamas villano.
Lord Dominicus: Que?
El Combatiente: Y te-
As Combatiente opens his mouth to repeat himself, Dominicus kicks a dozen of the tiny burning candies at the luchador’s face. One almost takes out his eye. At least two land in EC’s open mouth – one skipping down his oesophagus before becoming lodged in. El Combatiente doesn’t have time to register the chemical burning sensation, he’s too busy gasping for air.
Zosty: Apparently those hearts weren’t broken enough, as Combatiente is choking.
Elfas: Dominicus looks sorry for what he did, and tries to help by perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. See he’s not such a bad fellow. That’s what I like to see – these men are athletes, they compete, but human life comes first-
Lord Dominicus takes the barely conscious El Combatiente over - turning his fake Dominiheimlich into a belly-to-back suplex, bridged into a pin.
ONE!
TWO!
Elfas: BIG KICKOUT BY EL – so big he managed to dislodge the cinnamon heart, which goes flying up four feet in the air! He should be very proud at the distance it’s travelling! No wait, it fell back down into his mouth.
Combatiente spits out the horrific treat, rolling away from LD while holding his neck in pain. Outside the ring, Javier throws EC a bottle of water to cut the rancid cinnamon taste – only LD intercepts it to wash his own mouth out.
Lord Dominicus: Thanks... pal.
Are his eyes watery from a lack of oxygen or are those tears? Either way, El Combatiente looks from LD’s satisfied water gorge to Javier, with a sense of betrayal.
Elfas: That seemed like an honest accident to me. Looking to correct his mistake, Javier picks up a heart shaped water bottle – and throws it to Combatiente.
No sooner has the sweet liquid touched EC’s cinnamon covered lips, than the former heavyweight champion screams in agony.
Zosty: THAT WAS A HOT WATER BOTTLE! HOT WATER – that animal! I was promised when I took this gig that there would be no hot water! No amenities to speak of. If Javier wanted to turn his client into a puddle, there were more humane ways to do it!
Mouth burnt, Combatiente starts to charge towards the outside fountain. Seeing his discomfort, Dominicus can’t help but add insult to injury with a loud chuckle. Incensed, Combatiente fights through the pain long enough to squeeze the hot water bottle, sending a stream of its scalding contents onto Dominicus’ chest. It is now LD’s turn to make a sound not unlike Goofy running testicles first into a cactus.
Elfas: Despite their broken hearts, both men showing that their passions run hot!
Zosty: Trying to cool the scalding sensation, Dominicus runs for the outside fountain – only for Combatiente to cut him off – keeping the action in the ring and tossing The REAL Lord into the opposite direction.
An Irish whip sends Dominicus staggering towards the far right corner, where a large floral arrangement of red roses have been shaped like a giant heart. The seven-foot canopy looks lovely, but the thorny flowers are less enticing. LD manages to put the breaks on just a foot shy of the briar patch. He forgets all about the burning sensation from the water, and just focuses on the nasty mess of thorns in front of him.
Elfas: Look at how graceful he is! Combatiente jumps in the air with a flying kick to Dominicus’ back!
A dropkick to the back should send The Lord sprawling face first into the floral death trap, but LD manages to summon up all his strength to tense up, and only shift forwards an inch.
Tenay: El Combatientay hits Dominicas with a vicious dropkick, only the Lord no sells it like he was Mongo and it was a year of Price's life as an XHF Network admin.
Trying to fall away from the flowers, LD goes for a standing senton before EC can stand-up from the dropkick. EC rolls away at the last second, leaving only the beer mugs from Javier and LD’s first pub-crawl to break Dominicus’ fall. The glasses shatter. Shards sticking out of his now bleeding back, LD tries to crawl away – only for Combatiente to ground him with a double stomp. Dominicus buries his face in a heart shaped box of chocolates, letting the melting chocolate sooth his burnt mouth. While Dominicus nurses that injury, above him El Combatiente unloads a shockingly wide variety of stomps – grinding the glass further into LD’s back.
Elfas: So many stomps! Are you seeing all these stomps, Zosty?
Zosty: Clearly. I’m sitting right here.
Elfas: Oh yeah. I never imagined there were so many varieties of them. Look at all those stomps, I know someone who is going to need new boots for Christmas.
Zosty: Is that the same someone who is currently kicking a man half to death?
Elfas: Maybe.
Zosty: Because if so, I’d like to know just how in the hell a person can get off the damned nice list!
Finishing his chocolate and registering the sharp pain in his back, Dominicus reaches out, grabbing Combatiente’s ankle – and dragging him over with a drop toehold. EC holds out his palms to break his fall, almost being sent face first into a few hundred sad looking coffee mugs that litter the lower right half of the ring. World’s Greatest Friend.
Tenay: World’s Greatest Dad, Mom, Brother, Friend, Lover, Dog, Bus Driver, Mafia Player – Combatiantay almost sent crashing into them. Hang on. Did the Broken Hearts just recycle the World’s Greatest Phoenix title match from End of Days 2020?
Elfas: If they did that’s super – everyone should recycle.
Tenay: No, I mean they literally did. Those are all cracked and chipped mugs from that match.
Elfas: Think of all those compliments, warm thoughts, and well wishes those cups represent – that were all let down.
Zosty: That’s as broken hearted as it gets.
Dominicus steps on Combatiante’s hand, trying to make him fall into the cups. When EC holds on, LD pushes it further, standing on the back of Combatiante’s head and trying to force his face into the World’s Best Manager mug. Combatiente starts to waver, as a World’s Greatest Amputee mug without a handle digs into his midsection. Getting frustrated, Dominicus reaches down to try a new approach, but as he yanks out EC’s arm, Combatiente manages to turn his weight, pulling Dominicus into an-
Tenay: INSIDE CRADLE!
#CRACK#
Tenay: ...inside cradle into the broken mugs!
ONE!
TWO!
Tenay: Lord Dominicas reverses it into an inside cradle of his own.
#CRACK#
#SMASH#
#CRINK#
ONE!
TWO!
Tenay: El Combatiantay again shifts his weight, forcing Lord Dominicas’ shoulders over-
#CRASH#
#KARACK#
#UUUUURK#
ONE!
TWO!
TH-
Tenay: Dominicas with the kickout, trying to climb out of that mountain of shattered porcelain – only El Combatiantay pulls him back over with a schoolboy roll-up!
#THUD#
#SMACK#
#KR-KR-Kr-POW#
ONE!
Tenay: Dominicas breaking it with a thrust kick to the head, and a second one with authority is enough to turn it into a body slide on Combatiantay for-
#CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH#
ONE!
Tenay: Combatiantay turns it over, and muscles through into a pin of his own!
#CRACK#
#CRACK#
#CRACK#
ONE!
Tenay: Kickout! See - chain wrestling!
Zosty: Not sure we needed your technical expertise to say, “rolled around trading covers.”
Elfas: So that’s a schoolboy? I had no idea. Wow! Combatiente and Dominicus grinded all those broken mugs into a fine dust! It looks like snow! Imagine how many breakfasts they each had with Javier to have drunk that much coffee.
Zosty: Well it’s left them bloody messes.
Dominicus starts to sit-up, pulling a chunk of World’s Best Friend out of his shoulder. This vertical status is short lived, as El Combatiente takes the Lord’s head off with a knee strike. A second knee is buried into LD’s chin. Having successfully knocked him out, EC lifts Dominicus up for a DDT. Dragging a downed LD into the corner, El Combatiente goes up top-
Elfas: Look at how excited everyone is! This is it!
Tenay: Moonsault- MISSES!
A groggy looking LD rolls away, then starts slowly searching through the waves of crap for a weapon. Bowling ball. No. Tandem Bike. No. Behind him, El Combatiente begins to rise – which adds a sense of urgency to Dominicus’ quest. After a few frantic grabs, Dominicus finally grasps something he’s happy with.
Elfas: Oh no! Remember what Xanta said! Don’t do it, Dominicus!
Zosty: Lord Dominicus with a pool stick!
Elfas: He’ll get disqualified!
LD swings the pool stick across the neck of Combatiente, staggering him. Dominicus then runs back into the ropes and charges forwards, holding the stick as a lance which finds its target in El Combatiente’s crotch. Referee Tyson Diggle tries to warn Dominicus about his non-heart based weapon, but Dominicus just pushes past him, swinging the stick like a baseball bat, which catches EC on the chin.
Zosty: The referee complaining about the choice of weapon? If it’s not an AK-47, let them go! Come on ref!
Dominicus holds up the pool stick which has an inscription on it “To my dear friend Lord Dominicus, may this help you achieve your dream of becoming the world snooker champion –Javier”. Oh a gift. Diggle will allow it. Having displaying the inscription, Dominicus looks over at Javier, and then breaks the stick across his knee. Javier looks ready to cry. Taking the piece of stick with the sharpest end, Dominicus pulls Combatiente into a headlock and starts grinding the wood into his head – tearing his mask.
Tenay: Tearing the mask of a fellow wrestler is a great sign of disrespect in Lucha Libre.
Zosty: I feel like it’s a great sign of disrespect everywhere, Einstein.
Dominicus transitions the headlock into a swinging neckbreaker, only Combatiente stops the swing and drops down with a neckbreaker of his own. Now it is El Combatiente’s turn to desperately search for a weapon, while LD is quickly back on the attack.
Zosty: This is more like it – now UFC I know! Dominicus going for an arm triangle choke, that’ll fix him, wait, El Combatiente counters with- he just shoved a fistful of cinnamon heart candies into Dominicus mouth! Gross!
Elfas: OH MY GOD!
Zosty: One of those horrible things almost took Dominicus out, but at least twenty? Disqualify Combatiente ref, for cruel and unusual punishment!
Keeping his hand over Dominicus’ mouth, El Combatiente drives him headfirst into the corner. This would be more devastating if the turnbuckles hadn’t been replaced by heart shaped plush pillows. Spotting a picture of Dominicus and Javier at the Indianapolis 500 taped to the ropes – El Combatiente tears it off with his free hand. Yanking the tape off the picture, EC wraps it around Dominicus’ mask, essentially tapping the horrific candy inside.
Zosty: That monster! I mean, yeah, Dominicus could DominiSpit the candy out – but it would just end up inside his mask, and is liable to burn his face off. Doctor Doom all over again.
Violently shoving El Combatiente off him, The REAL Lord Dominicus starts running in circles, flailing his arms around like a mad man, when not trying to pull the tape off. LD’s animated movements looking a bit like Yosemite Sam when the cartoon prospector sets his behind on fire. Leaving Dominicus to his personal hell, EC crumples up the Indy 500 picture and tosses it on the ground. Turning his attention to the large fountain at ringside, EC reaches over the ropes – taking a bow from one of the cherub statues.
Elfas: Dominicus trying to rip the tape off – and almost pulled off his mask. He’d better be careful.
Zosty: Somebody call for the bell. Put him out of his misery. He’s already dead!
Mustering all his strength for one last DominiTug, Lord Dominicus finally pokes enough of a hole in the tape to spew out the tiny red devil sweets. His mouth is on fire, his brain numb, vision blurred – but LD survived.
Elfas: EL COMBATIENTE WITH CUPID’S BOW AND ARROW! FIRES OFF TRUE LOVES ARROW AND HITS LORD DOMINICUS RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES!
Zosty: He was suffering; it was the right thing to do.
There is a moment of silence for the dead, Lord Dominicus.
Elfas: Oh wait; instead of an arrowhead it was a suction cup. He’s alive everybody! That’s super.
Zosty: Whether it’s a carrot or an arrow, having someone give you a fake nose is degrading.
Tenay: A livid Lord Dominicas charging out of the corner – right into a spinning backfist from El Combatiantay which SHREDS that arrow shaft and drives it into his face!
The force shatters the arrow shaft, and sends LD falling backwards into more pictures of his adventures with Javier.
Tenay: El Combatiantay trying to pick Dominicas up for a snap suplex, but Lord Dominicas knocks him off with an elbow strike. Then turns to lay in a European uppercut. Dominicas making a comeback- oh.
Zosty: That’s not good.
Elfas: The suction cup from the arrow has attached a picture of Dominicus and Javier having drinks at Scallywags. I don’t follow wrestling and even I know that Scallywags is Javier and El Combatiente’s special place.
Zosty: RUN DOMINICUS!
Tenay: It’s too late, El Combatiantay with those rapid-fire fists just hammering away at the picture. He won’t be happy until he’s reduced it to pulp, forget about the guy who’s face is behind the picture!
El Combatient’s biggest fan, Little Bobby, is amongst the children in the front row that are weeping at the sheer brutality of the assault.
Little Bobby’s Mother: WHY DID I AGREE TO BRING HIM TO THIS?
Will Little Bobby be allowed to ever go to a wrestling match again?
Finally a particular rough left hook, possibly aided by the blood pooling around the suction cup – knocks the offending scallywags picture loose. Coming to his senses, looking visibly ill at the beast he just unleashed, El Combatiente seems determined to end this quickly.
Tenay: El Combatiantay calling for the Street Justice!
Looking more like a corpse than an athlete, the moment Lord Dominicus feels himself being shifted towards that patented vertibreaker – his sense of flight kicks in.
Zosty: You’ll have to be quicker than that, Combatiente! Lord Dominicus bailing out to the floor.
Tenay: El Combatiantay running into the ropes, happy to follow him to the outside with a tope con hil- no! Dominicas hides under the ring, and his opponent puts the breaks on.
Elfas: Count outs are a thing in wrestling, right? Can he be counted out down there?
Zosty: There are no count outs in a match where you can maim a man for liking scallywags.
In the ring, El Combatiente stalks around like a tiger – darting from one corner to another just waiting for the former NPW triple crown winner to come out of hiding. Javier Nunez also walks around the outside, quick to hide any Scallywags coasters or beer mugs for fear of another jealousy induced homicide attempt. It’s while pocketing Scallywag matches that Javier sees his way back into his client’s broken heart.
Elfas: You have to love his attention to detail! Javier has found where Dominicus is hiding!
Zosty: The manager drags Lord Dominicus out by his tail.
Out from under the ring Lord Dominicus is pulled, along with a massive burlap sack labelled McNuggets that the dracolich has his face buried in.
Elfas: You know I could have sworn that going into this match that El Combatiente had forty pounds on Lord Dominicus, but to look at The REAL Lord now – I’d say he weighed a metric ton.
Zosty: I also didn’t realize he was nine feet tall. You don’t suppose Javier stretched him that long while puling him out?
Elfas: That makes a lot of sense. The tail also seems new.
Tenay: It’s just a matter of perspective. You’re used to seeing him in the ring, now that he is outside and near the announcer’s booth – a good three feet closer, you notice details you might have missed from further back.
Elfas: I never thought of that. Mike, you’re so smart. No wonder people call you the professor.
Realizing that pulling him out of hiding has effectively ended any chance of reconciliation; Javier decides to salt the earth by ripping off the mask.
Zosty: JAVIER PULLING OFF LORD DOMINICUS’ MASK! HOW COULD HE?
Elfas: Let’s see who he really is.
Under his mask, Lord Dominicus is Dinosaur Bones!
Elfas: OH MY GOD, IT’S SANTA!
Zosty: No, he was just pretending to be Santa.
Elfas: Oh. Well that is a genuine relief.
Suddenly realizing that he has been brought into the match, a shocked Dinosaur Bones drops his giant sack of McNuggets – its contents spill out on the floor, a few dozen yelping corgis.
Elfas: Are you sure he’s not Santa? He has all those cute pooches in that sack to give out to all the boys and girls.
Zosty: His dinner is currently scampering around ringside, but make no mistake, Dinosaur Bones has been The REAL Lord Dominicus all along.
Tenay: We were basic bitches for not realizing it sooner.
Out from the other side of the ring creeps another Lord Dominicus, this one is heavily bloody and battered like he’s just been through a war. This Lord Dominicus sneaks up behind El Combatiente who is still shocked at the Dinosaur Bones reveal.
Zosty: WAIT? TWO LORD DOMINICUSES? I FEEL LIKE I’M SEEING DOUBLE.
Elfas: But which is the Real one?
Tenay: I guess we’ll never know.
Lord Dominicus catches El Combatiente from behind with a shining wizard, then slaps on a liontamer – making sure to angle it so that El Combatiente is close to the ropes that feature all of the pictures from LD’s Lake Tahoe vacation with Javier last July.
Tenay: The FRESH Lord Dominicas with a cheap shot, now dominating his opponent who has been wrestling since the start of the match.
Meanwhile outside the ring, Javier – who had been quite pleased with himself for unmasking Dominicus – now seems less pleased with the nine-foot-dracolich starring down at him. Perhaps it’s like Jurassic Park, and if he doesn’t move he won’t get eaten? If Bones had a tongue, he’d lick the part of his skull where his lips used to be. Realizing that he has released Bones dinner all over the ringside area, where the corgis are currently humping and defecating like this was a Kennel from Hell match – Javier starts to worry that he might look more appetizing. He definitely does. It then dawns on him that your average corgi is faster than Javier – and it is now his turn to run.
Elfas: So fast! Javier trying not to be eaten by Santa on the outside of the ring, tripping over dogs as the two of them circle it. He sure did put his client’s interests over his own survival tonight, Zosty.
Zosty: That’s a Darwin award waiting to happen.
Tenay: Inside the ring, El Combatiantay has managed to hook an ankle and force his way out of that Liontamer. Now both men on their feet, trying to throw one another into that giant heart shaped flower arrangement.
Javier: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
El Combatiente and Lord Dominicus look up from their epic rose spot pushing contest just in time to see Dinosaur Bones SWALLOW Javier whole!
Tenay: What is it with people getting eaten by animals at XHF events?
Horrified at the tragic death of their former friend and colleague, Dominicus and Combatiente stop struggling. Letting go of one another, each feeling a crushing sense of regret. They then nod politely in understanding, at which point the duo run back into the ropes before rebounding off.
Tenay: DOMINICAS AND COMBATIENTAY BOTH TO THE OUTSIDE WITH A DOUBLE MISSILE DROPKICK TO DINOSAUR BONES!
The giant skeleton stumbles through the fountain, smashing both to pieces.
Elfas: MASKI BOIS REUNIION!
Zosty: I can’t believe the second Lord Dominicus would turn on the first one like that!
Elfas: I never thought I’d see these two tag again in my lifetime...
Tenay: The death of Javor bringing them back together.
Elfas: ...Because Elves only live for two years.
Zosty: It’s a good thing that Dinosaur Bones can’t tell humanoids apart, otherwise his heart would have just been broken by that betrayal. Along with everything else.
Javier: What a great team.
The Maski Bois turn to find Javier very much alive. Apparently if a giant skeleton eats you, as long as they don’t chew, you’ll be fine – because they are hollow.
Javier: Where was I going to go, Australia?
The three men share a laugh, and if this were the end of the show – it would end on a freeze frame wishing everyone a safe holiday.
Sadly it is not.
So a few seconds into their cathartic chuckle, the trio realizes this Broken Heart match has degenerated into a corgi lumberjack match! Far more violent than a Broken Hearts match! The little furballs nipping at the men’s heels!
Zosty: Oh no! Those corgis ate the chocolate hearts that were spilling out of the ring to the floor!
Elfas: Chocolate is bad for dogs, right?
Zosty: Yes, but worse for Corgis! That is their evolve condition. They’ll all transform into Corgidiles.
Tenay: That reminds me of that 80s movie.
Elfas: Gremlins?
Tenay: Hang on, let me pull up my encyclopaedic knowledge-
Zosty: You suck, Mike.
Javier jumps up onto the timekeeper’s table. The Maski Bois return to the ring, trying to kick the critters off them.
Elfas: Dominicus is an animal lover. Why he usually gets along with corgis – I’m surprised to see them attacking him too.
Zosty: He did trade them as food to get a ride into the arena.
Elfas: ...so he broke their hearts.
Both men’s boots have been chewed through, revealing bloodied feet like that other Christmas Classic, Die Hard. Those dogs are like adorable piranha. The two just shake their heads in disbelief, leaning against one another.
Zosty: Bromance? Lame.
Elfas: Maybe they can mend their relationship with each other as well as with Javier, and they can all move forw-
Zosty: DOMINICUS JUST PULLED EL COMBATIENTE’S MASK OFF!
Hundreds of cellphones in the audience try to discover El Combatiente’s true identity as he desperately covers up his gore soaked face with an arm. He does have a free hand though-
Zosty: EL COMBATIENTE JUST PULLED OFF LORD DOMINICUS’ MASK AS WELL!
Tenay: Who is it under there? Is it Dinosaur Bones again?
Unmasked. Both men lie flat on the plunder-covered canvas, trying desperately to cover up from prying cameras while reaching out blindly to retrieve their masks. It takes a minute to straighten it out, but they finally rise as they are covered back up.
Zosty: Wait - Dominicus is wearing Combatiente’s mask, and Combatiente is sporting a REAL Lord look!
Frustrated, the two men trade punches!
No. This is pointless. If they do win like this, their opponent will just get credited with the victory. Exchanging words, the duo huddle together – trying to use the large flower arrangement as a canopy while they exchange masks back.
Elfas: That’s what I like to see – a trust building exercise. You can do it fellas, don’t be afraid to love again!
Zosty: Sickening.
Tenay: In between punches, the two competitors are trying to switch their masks back- here they go- they’ve almost done it. YES!
Zosty: Nope.
They took off their masks, only to put on the wrong ones again.
Elfas: Drat.
Tenay: Brawling away, they are really mad now! Okay, slowing down the punches, they are going to try one more time.
The duo brawl back over to the floral arrangement, again ducking down to switch their masks back.
Elfas: Okay, they are on the same page now. Yay Bonding! OH.
Lord Dominicus gives El Combatiente a thumbs up that his mask is on perfectly.
Elfas: This might be a set back to the healing.
Tenay: Lord Dominicas gave El Combatientay a Lord Dominicas mask to put on, so now they both look like the REAL Lord. Combatientay is now our third Lord Dominicas in this match, which no longer has an El Combatientay in it.
Elfas: Oh no, don’t do that-
Zosty: Lord Dominicus just threw the El Combatiente mask out to the corgi army!
Realizing what has happened, El Combatiente leaps through the ropes with a suicide dive – grasping it in midair, just as a corgi bites into it. Falling to the concrete floor, El Combatiente lands hard, then attempts to wrestle the mask away from the corgi – even as a dozen more pounce on him. Tiny razor sharp teeth gnaw at his flesh.
Zosty: God I hate Corgis.
Elfas: You were made out of yellow snow, weren’t you?
Zosty: I- no- I- ugh- Does it show?
Elfas: Not at all, my friend. ...So a corgi broke your heart.
Rising out of the furry death trap, El Combatiente tries to climb back up into the ring, only for Lord Dominicus to knock him back down with a baseball slide. The dogs again pounce.
Zosty: It’ll be a shock if those little monsters leave enough flesh on the shoulder bones for El Combatiente’s corpse to be pinned.
Tenay: It’s unspeakable. ...My father went the same way.
Elfas: So a corgi broke your heart too, Professor?
Yes, even though it’s a corgi lumberjack match, it’s still a Broken Heart match. Lumps of flesh have been chewed out of it, but a bloody hand rises out of the fur to grab the bottom ring rope.
Elfas: El Combatiente climbing back into the ring, and he used the cover of being eaten alive to put his own mask back on! What resourcefulness!
Lord Dominicus charges at the returning El Combatiente with a framed picture of a Corgi, in case there weren’t enough already there – but his former tag partner drops the picture to catch a real one.
Zosty: El Combatiente throws a Corgi at Lord Dominicus – but The REAL Lord catches it! SO COMBATIENTE DROPKICKS THE BEAST INTO DOMINICUS’ FACE!
Dominicus hits the canvas hard, with the corgi chewing away at his mask. LD is able to pry the beast off him just in time to eat a diving forearm. Barely able to move, Combatiente finds just enough strength to pull Dominicus into a standing backflip cutter.
Tenay: SLICED BREAD!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Zosty: Lord Dominicus got a foot in the ropes, though I think he might have been trying to kick that corgi out of the ring... regardless of his intent, this bloodbath is still going!
The corgis are now hopping into the broken fountain lapping up the still water. The irritants wake up The Dread Lord, who starts reassembling his dinosaur skeleton.
Zosty: Oh no, the corgi’s have gotten to the water!
Elfas: I know the smell of wet dog isn’t for everyone, but there is a certain homespun warmth to their aroma.
Zosty: No you halfwit, everyone knows that Corgis multiple in water.
Tenay: What was the name of that film? Sophie’s Choice? This is going to bother me.
Elfas: Santa is awake again. I wonder if he can eat the corgis as fast as they can multiple? Whoa! Look at him go. He’s like Takeru Kobayashi circa 2009. He could go pro.
Tenay: 630!
Elfas: Yes, Dinosaur Bones could eat that many.
Tenay: No, the move 630!
Zosty: Oh right, the match-
Tenay: Combatiantay with the 630, and Dominicas looks dead! There’s the cover-
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Elfas: Nope. Managed to get a shoulder up. Good for him. YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE!
Tenay: El Combatientay getting frustrated, scooping Dominicas up and ramming into the far corner. Following him in with a stinger splash! Dominicas is only being held up by the ropes! El Combatientay hoists him up to the top turnbuckle, could we be looking at a hurricanrana onto a spare key to Javor’s cottage that he gave to Dominicus after LD officiated the manager’s wedding ceremony? Because landing on keys at that angle could be the worst pain ever.
Zosty: Here he goes- YES! Dominicus pushes him off- NO!
Tenay: Combatientay hooks the arm, dragging Dominicas off the top for a super arm drag! WAIT- Dominicas in midair turning it into his patented flying armbar! If he locks it in, this could be-
El Combatiente lands on his feet, Dominicus keeps spinning over, committed to tearing the arm out of the socket. Trying go with the momentum, Combatiente shifts his body so that it turns with Dominicus – directing his air trajectory into the floral arrangement. Even when the first thorns dig into his skin, Dominicus keeps the armbar locked into place – dragging both into the giant rose patch heart.
Zosty: BOTH MEN INTO THE ROSE HEART SCULPTURE!
The petals explode, showering the air with red flakes, and leaving an almost barbwire mess of thorny briar. The momentum almost knocks them out of it as soon as they fall in, but the thorns dig deep, and both are soon unconscious on the ground wrapped in bloody vines.
Elfas: THAT IS SO PRETTY! And so wrong!
Tenay: Paramedics are on hand, but having a hard time getting past the few corgis that Dinosaur Bones hasn’t eaten. They are throwing them sausages to keep them at bay.
Zosty: What time is it?!
Tenay: A quarter to ten, why?
Zosty: Oh thank goodness it isn’t after midnight. That is the next evolve condition for those corgidiles – none of us would have gotten out of the arena alive.
Tenay: Is it St. Elmo’s Fire?
Zosty: You’re an idiot.
Concerned for his former friend and client, Javier hops from the timekeeper’s table to the ring apron. This looks bad. If this keeps up, they may never wrestle again. And it’s all his fault. Climbing through the ropes, Javier picks up a heart shaped watermelon.
Zosty: JAVIER IN THE RING WITH A WEAPON, BUT WHO IS HE GOING TO HIT!
Javier holds the large fruit; lethal enough when its target is in the state the participants are in. Javier stops. Thinking about it for a second.
Elfas: His heart is growing ten sizes!
Zosty: Cocaine will do that too. What are you waiting for Javier, TURN ON THE GOODY TWO-SHOED PRICK! You guys were never going to last anyway!
Before Javier can give these broken hearts closure, he falls forwards – smashing face first into the water mellow. Tiny arms have reached under the bottom rope, to pull his legs out from under him.
Elfas: SANTA NO!
Zosty: Dinosaur Bones just yanked Javier’s feet out from under him, now using his short T-Rex arms to- he’s putting a Lord Dominicus mask on Javier – what is he doing?
Tenay: For taking off his mask, Bones now forcing Javor to wear it – and rolling him back in the ring into El Combatiantay!
El Combatiente is barely conscious but seems to stir as the Dominicus masked body is rolled into him. Attacked again? Struggling to move his arms for all the thorny vines wrapped around them, Combatiente grabs the masked Javier by the neck. The REAL Lord Dominicus becomes conscious just in time to see-
Lord Dominicus: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Tenay: El Combatientay hits Javor with a Street Justice!
Zosty: Javier with those Apollo Creed death spasms!
Elfas: Poor El Combatiente– he’s going for the cover, he doesn’t know. I feel so bad for him.
Tenay: The REAL Lord Dominicas quick to shove El Combatientay off of Javor, explaining that he was clearly just engaging in cosplay. El Combatientay looks absolutely gutted, calling for paramedics.
Zosty: Those wretched mutts are still holding of medical attention despite the extra food.
A few security guards have finally come out with UV guns to see how the corgidiles react to sunlight. Seeing his sustainable food source explode, Dinosaur Bones turns away from his malicious tiny armed handiwork, leaving ringside to chase the last his supper.
Elfas: An upset Dominicus trying to pick a fight or continue the match, but El Combatiente is trying to get him to stop shaking the canvas. There is definitely a language barrier.
Barely able to raise his arms, but with a little fight left, it is at this point that Lord Dominicus busts out his secret weapon.
Zosty: What is that Dominicus is pulling out? Is it-
Elfas: What a great source of fibre.
Tenay: No, he wouldn’t-
Lord Dominicus pulls out a banana – and tosses it at El Combatiante. It bounces harmlessly off his chest.
Tenay: TOO SOON!
This fruit is a painful reminder of a traumatic incident that occurred at one of the sport’s truly toxic playgrounds. Lord Dominicus waits coyly, pleased with himself, like El Combatiente could still slip on the banana and lose. His calm pose soon gives way to fear as he notices the violent tremors in his rival’s arms.
Zosty: That is the look of a man who is about to commit murder. I see it every day in the mirror.
Lord Dominicus reacts a second too late as El Combatiente lets out an enraged scream. The REAL Lord turns to find a more substantial weapon, grabbing a promotional poster in a thick glass frame. Before he can swing it, the thorn-covered arms are around his waist, hoisting him up in the air.
Tenay: El Combatientay lifting Lord Dominicas up for an overhead belly-to-back suplex – but up in the air, no, Dominicas swings backwards with that glass frame! He manages to catch El Combatientay on the head, but both men going over!
The suplex is academic, and thanks to the thorny vines, it is bridged into a pin. The impact knocks Dominicus out, while the shattered frame took out Combatiente seconds before impact.
Tenay: Bridge into a pin – but is he even awake? Wait- both their shoulders down!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Elfas: Everyone’s a winner!
Zosty: God you’re annoying.
Tenay: Wait did he get his shoulder up?
Xanta Claus: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH-
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD DOMIIIIIIIINICUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!!!
Zosty: What a war.
The REAL Lord Dominicus. El Combatiante. Javier Nunez.
All three men are slumped on the canvas in need of serious medical attention. Between them is the shattered frame, and in it the last weapon used. A promotional poster of the trio printed for the Anzac Cup, proudly declaring the Maski Bois as the next big thing. They would not recognize their current selves.
Elfas: I hope they were able to mend their broken hearts.
Zosty: What broken hearts? Those were broken people. This was never about catharsis, just picking at scabs to make for more impressive scar tissue.
Elfas: Oh the Broken Hearts weren’t those three. They belonged to the fans. All of us who wanted Maski Bois to be the next XHF tag team champions - only to be let down by their internal strife. They broke all our hearts. And their killing each other tonight, that made it a little better.
Zosty: I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of Elf gets a vacation this close to Christmas, you’re from that Grizzly Adams film, right?
Elfas: Fiddlesticks.
Tenay: Well I’d be shocked if this is the last time these Maski Boys came to blows. Perhaps next time they can build on the shared history of this match, versus referencing those other feds best forgotten with 2021.
Zosty: Speaking of which, you should probably fuck off too Iron Mike.
Tenay: Thanks for having me.
Zosty: Drop dead.
The crowd is on their feet as the Iron Hell cage begins to lower from the ceiling. Weapons hang from all over the place, the walls the ceiling even from under the suspended platform in the middle of the cage. The lights dim as we pan to the stage where four entranceways await us.
Xanta Claus: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! And is your MAIN! EVENT! OF! THE EVENING!
The house lights dim a bit as we hear Immortal Techniques' voice come over the PA system.
"Yeah... It's that real this time around... It's on now motherfucker!"
Point of No Return starts up over the PA system at the 19-second mark. Random people all dressed in the same black hat, a black bandanna over their faces, black jacket, all stand and raise their fists to the air. The beat drops and we see Price himself walkout from somewhere on the ground floor of the fans, draped in all black from the hat that's only halfway on his head, the black bandanna over his face, a black t-shirt of whatever band or comic book he's into that week, black leather styled baggy basketball shorts, one leg has a Punisher skull with the American, Brazilian, Japanese, and now British flag embedded inside it, the other leg has his Price family crest on it. (A chair, barbwire, baseball bat, and flaming table in each square) knee pads and black wrestling boots. He does the Eddie-style chest slap before throwing his arms out into the crucifix pose, then he lowers his left arm while raising his right fist to the air.
Xanta Claus: Introducing first to the ring, from Cleveland Ohio. He stands at SIX-FOOT-THREE-INCHES TALL and weighs TWO-HUNDRED-FORTY POUNDS, he is the Godfather, the Messiah of Hardcore, PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!
He then makes his way towards the ring walking with his gangster-style thug swag. Slides into the ring and once again slaps his chest, throws his arms out into the crucifix pose, then raises his fist of resistance as he stands on the bottom and 2nd rope, he pulls the bandanna down off his face and gives an ever so slight sadistic grin before getting ready to fight. He pauses and produces the XHF Hardcore Championship! Sanctioned or not he has the belt and will let whoever wins walk away with it regardless of what the XHF HQ wants.
Zosty: Here's the man who brought this match from a trio to a quartet. The XHF Legend and former XHF United States Champion PRICE joins what was already a violent group with the intent to make things much worse than they used to be!
Elfas: A scary fella for sure. Do we know if he's here just for Spike, or if he's gonna be gunning for everyone in the match?
Zosty: My guess? JFK's put a hit on Spike's head so he'll be focused on Spike. Though I don't see why he wouldn't take shots at anyone who gets in his way as well.
“A SPECIAL PLACE IN HEEEEEEEE-E-E-E-ELLLLLL!"
The lights flash green as the riffs to Reid Henry’s hit new single hits the PA system, uplifting and electric! The curtains between the wrestling word and gorilla open up and Dylan pushes his way through them! He pauses, posing for the crowd before strolling down the ramp ever so casually.
Xanta Claus: And making his way to the ring, from Hokkaido Prefecture, Hokkaido, Japan! Standing at SIX-FOOT-THREE-INCHES TALL, and weighing in at TWO-HUNDRED-AND-SEVEN POUNDS, he is “The Messiah of Mayhem,” DYLAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAACK!
Dylan rolls under the bottom ropes and holds his hands up in the ring, creating a small lightning arc! He gestures in the boos from those in attendance and just gives off the biggest smirk before he slinks into his corner.
Elfas: WOAH! Does that guy have two metal arms?!
Zosty: Former two-time X*Crown Champion, current J-ROK Visual Kai and Champoon Wrasslin' Champion and triple-amputee Dylan Black is on the scene! Yes, those are two cybernetic arms, which he uses to compete in these ritualistic combat trials known as "professional wrestling."
Elfas: Wow!
Music blares over the sound system of the arena. Green and white lights flicker down on a circle near the entrance. Out steps the long-haired grizzly vet, Jesse Jamester. Dressed in his black tights, knee brace on his left leg visible, white boots with black laces, with signature pistols on each boot, and pistols crossing on his crotch with the initials "JJ" between them. Fists taped up, black elbow pad on his right arm, the tattooed and scars visible from neck to abdomen. Jesse Jamester takes his walk to the ring, soaking in the crowd.
Xanta Claus: And their next opponent, from Calgary, Alberta Canada! He stands at SIX-FEET-SIX-INCHES TALL and weighs TWO-HUNDRED-SIXTY-THREE POUNDS, he is "The Canadian Nightmare" JESSEEEEEEEEEEE JAMESTEEEEEEEEEEER!
As he approaches the ringside area, he steps up on the second step of the ring steps, cracking his neck, shrugging the shoulders, he grabs the middle rope and steps between them, gliding into the ring in a fluid motion. He throws his fists up for a fight, before raising both arms over his head as he leans on the ropes facing the fans. Music begins to fade out.
Zosty: And now the resident murder dino, Jesse Jamester has arrived! He's the winner of the last meetup like this, don't you know? The last time a violent deathmatch was fought, he pinned Dylan Black to win the match!
Elfas: Wow! Do you think he'll have what it takes to win tonight?
Zosty: I do know he'll have a lot on his plate, being the last winner will give him the biggest target on his back!
The lights go out as the beginning of "Bow Down" by I Prevail plays through the PA system, as a circle of flames erupts on the stage.
Xanta Claus: And their final opponent, from Belfast Ireland. He stands at SIX-FEET-TWO-INCHES TALL and weighed in his evening at TWO-HUNDRED-THIRTY POUNDS, he is the Blood God, the Spiked One, the XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION, SPIIIIIIIIIKE KAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!
Through the flames, slowly emerges Spike Kane as he fully emerges, the song kicks in.
"GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW DOWN!!!"
Spike steps through the flames and heads to the ring, taking off his jacket as he prepares for a fight. He drops his jacket and his X*Crown Championship outside the Iron Hell cage, slamming the door shut behind him.
Elfas: So Zosty, you know a lot about wrestling. Tell the uninitiated a bit about the X*Crown. What is it, exactly?
Zosty: In short, twenty-two defunct world championships rolled up into a single title. The most prestigious thing in the pro wrestling industry today. And Spike has latched his cold dead hands onto that for a brisk 90 days, securing three defenses with a fourth in just a few days.
Elfas: You mean he didn't want to defend it here and now? Prove his dominance?
Zosty: Well some say he wasn't allowed to. The XHF officials didn't want their crown jewel defended on "some indie show."
The cage door is locked and chained shut before the bell rings, signaling the beginning of some carnage.
Dylan Black vs. Jesse Jamester vs. PRICE vs. Spike Kane
There is a bit of an eerie pause, danger lurking in the air as everyone looks around at one another trying to figure out their first moves. It’s a moment before PRICE turns to Spike and charges, booting him in the side of the head and toppling him to the floor. Dylan and Jesse charge at each other, swinging wild blows at each other, The match… no, the fight quickly spills out of control as everyone is just laying into one another, Jesse beating Dylan down in one corner while PRICE stomps a mudhole in Spike and walks it dry. He takes his sweet time just putting the smackdown on Spike. It’s kind of sick just how much he’s enjoying it. PRICE stands right on Spike’s neck, planting his foot tight on the windpipe of Spike to cut off his air supply early and man Spike does not like that. Spike clubs at PRICE’s knee a few times getting him off before he gets to his knees and just punches PRICE right in the dick! He gets up and bounces off the ropes, nailing a stiff lariat as we pan to Jesse and Dylan throwing more bombs at one another! Dylan is throwing everything into these punches and Jesse’s eating it up, he’s got a grin on his face and he’s begging for more, telling Dylan to hit him like a man. Dylan winds back with his bad arm and pokes Jesse in the eye. With his good arm, he clangs that against the ring post, closes his fist, and electro-punches Jesse across the ring!
Elfas: WOW! Electric powers! Is he a superhero too?
Zosty: None of the guys in this match are remotely close to being heroes. With the blackest of hearts inside them, they are nothing short of pure evil.
Jesse puts a hand to his jaw, not knowing where the hell that came from. Dylan stalks him, picking him up by his hair to his knees and slingblading him back to the ground! Jesse falls and Dylan turns to see Spike Irish whipping PRICE to him. He gets on his knees ready to trip the old Messiah but PRICE reverses the move, sending Spike into Dylan! And for Dylan’s trouble, Spike soccer kicks him in the gut, before turning around and getting blasted with a forearm by PRICE! PRICE decides it’s time for some real fun and gets onto the apron, reaching and grabbing a steel chair that had been hung up. He yanks it down and stands on the apron, ready to jump. Spike and Dylan are wobbly getting to their feet, but they stand up and PRICE climbs to the top rope in a corner, he comes in for a double splash to them both but they dodge it! They step aside and PRICE crashes chair-first on the mat! Spike grabs a chair as Dylan lifts PRICE to his knees, taking the chair from him. Spike and Dylan surround PRICE, chairs in hand, and PRICE just spits at Spike, telling him to bring it onnnnnn! They nod to each other, and swing with the chairs! CRACK! CONCHAIRTO TO THE MESSIAH OF HARDCORE! PRICE crumples down defeated for a moment! Spike and Dylan share a mutual moment of agreement with each other before Dylan grabs Spike and pushes him into the way of a charging Jesse Jamester!
Elfas: Like a bulldozer, that guy is! Just plowed over Spike like he was a pile of dirt waiting to be pushed into a grave!
Zosty: As silly as your metaphors are, Dylan has just sacrificed the one pawn he had and now has to deal with the NPW North American Double Crown Champion all by himself!
Dylan pauses for a moment, then swings the chair at Jesse! He dodges out of the way and drops a double axehandle across Dylan’s back! Oh god! He then wraps Dylan up, HE’S GOING FOR THE NEMESIS LOCK! THE VERY MOVE THAT SEALED HIS WIN AT THE XHF BIRTHDAY BASH! NO! DYLAN BITES DOWN ON JESSE’S NON-BARBED WIRE-WRAPPED ARMS AND HE RECOILS, BUT DOUBLES DOWN WITH A STOMP ONTO DYLAN’S BACK! He lifts Dylan by the back of the neck like a cat and headbutts him! Again and again! Dylan is damn near limp as Jesse spins around and tosses him into Spike, who’s tumbling to the floor with Dylan in tow. Jesse looks down at PRICE, who’s picked up a baseball bat and cracks Jesse in the back with it! Jesse falls and PRICE begins to just lay into him with that bat, crushing him into a pulp on the mat. Jesse tries to power up but his jaws end up wrapping the bat, and PRICE sweeps his legs out for a SKULL CRUSHING FINALE!
Crowd: OOF!
Zosty: And this is just a taste of the unorthodox offense that PRICE brings to the table.
Elfas: I figured this match would be everything but unorthodox.
Meanwhile, Dylan and Spike are recovered and arguing outside. Spike thought they had an alliance of sorts and Dylan just sacrificed him! Dylan explains it was just business and Spike just snaps! He just strikes Dylan in the nose and cracks him open! Blood begins to pour on out and Dylan responds by headbutting Spike back, staggering him! Spike grabs the cage to steady himself, taking a kendo stick and bringing it down on Dylan’s head! He just laughs and begs for more, and Spike obliges! Cracking that Singapore cane down upon his dome until it breaks! And Dylan just laughs and demands Spike do better. He gets up and rubs his hand along the cage wall, charging up an electric attack! He lunges for Spike’s throat but Spike swings the handle of the cane and redirects Dylan’s hand to grab PRICE by the ankle and shock him back to his pre-retirement days! PRICE goes down but suddenly Dylan’s hand won’t open! He’s stuck lockjawed on PRICE’s ankle!
Zosty: Uh oh, looks like Dylan needs some spare batteries! Where’s Eli Dresden when you need some?
Elfas: Hopefully charging some batteries up!
Realizing the trouble he’s in, Dylan quickly detaches his one good arm and turns to face Spike! Spike lunges for Dylan, realizing he is practically defenseless on the outside! Dylan jabs the stub of his arm in Spike’s face, a painful endeavor on both accounts! Spike stumbles back, grabbing a small step ladder and throwing it at Dylan, who ducks and smirks! But the ladder falls on him anyways, as Spike tosses it up to Jesse who then spiked it down on Dylan’s head! They share a respective nod before Jesse powers Dylan’s arm off of PRICE’s ankle and tosses it to Spike. Spike returns by sending him a chain and a spool of barbed wire. Jesse takes the chain and wraps it around PRICE’s neck, using it to drag him up into the corner. He whips PRICE out of the corner, tripping him to the ground before using the chair to just whip PRICE across the back. Dylan is rolled into the ring by Spike, who wields Dylan’s arm like a club. The duo of Jesse and Spike begin to rain blows down on PRICE and Dylan, chains and arm strikes being brought down like the wrath of God onto two heretics!
Zosty: It’s beginning to look a lot like fuck this!
Elfas: It’s looking like a massacre you mean?
Zosty: Not a slumber party massacre though.
Jesse and Spike begin to hit some combo moves on Dylan and PRICE, starting with a superkick into a spine buster! PRICE is flattened by these moves and Dylan gets lifted. Spike taunts him with the arm, even putting it on to try it out.
Spike: So this is why Steve never wants to get rid of your arm. I believe I might take this for myself!
Spike rubs his hand along the cage, charging something up. He grabs Dylan by the throat, choking and shocking him at the same time! Dylan’s eyes roll back as Spike just sadistically smiles before he verbally OOF!s as PRICE kicks him square in the family jewels! BAM! Spike goes down and PRICE rolls under a lariat from the Canadian Nightmare, before locking him in a calf crusher! A bit of technical prowess from PRICE! Jesse did not expect actual wrestling in this mud show shit-slinging contest and is taken aback before an elbow is dropped on him. Dylan is holding his head, really feeling the effects of Spike’s attack moments earlier but is clear-minded enough to keep going. He and PRICE lift Spike and whip him into the corner to deliver some swift machine gun chops. They trade off every other chop, lefts from PRICE, and rights from Dylan! Spike’s chest soon looks like a bag of ground beef after the assault from the Messiahs, and Dylan rolls out to grab a table and slide that in the ring. PRICE is quick to set it up before Dylan grabs a lighter and some bottles of butane!
Elfas: What are they doing with all that butane, all over the table and- *sudden realization* oh no!
Zosty: Yessir, get your marshmallows ready kids!
Dylan pours all that butane on the table and hands PRICE the lighter. “Your daughter would want you to do the honors.” He clicks it on and drops it onto the table, setting it alight and climbing to the top rope with Spike on his shoulders. He goes to SUPERPLEX SPIKE OFF THE TOP TOPE, ONTO THE BURNING HELLSCAPE BELOW BUT WAIT! DYLAN LOW BLOWS PRICE AND GRABS HIM BY THE LEGS, THE TOWER OF DOOM COMES CRASHING DOWN ONTO THAT BURNING TABLE!
Zosty: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire! Mr. Zost nipping at your nose!
Elfas: Oh, I think I might faint.
Ring technicians quickly invade the Violence Zone and put out the fire before it gets out of control. Dylan sits there and laughs at the carnage before he notices Jesse is starting to stir. Dylan runs by with a drive-thru superman punch, just clocking Jesse on the jaw! Dylan stands among the wreckage, taking a moment to pose and taunt the crowd. But Jesse’s not done yet, he grabs Dylan by the ankle and uses Dylan to lift himself. Dylan locks up Jesse and tries to get a hammerlock DDT off but Jesse lifts Dylan and flapjacks him on the ground! An 8-foot drop is not ideal and Dylan holds his face, trying to roll away. But Jesse grabs him by the ankle and grapevines him on the mat with an ankle lock! Dylan screams and smashes his fist on the mat, but he doesn’t tap out. Jesse violently twists his leg and- SNAP! HIS WHOLE LEG TURNS 180 DEGREES!
Elfas: Yup. Definitely fainting.
Jesse lets go and scoot back, a look of momentary awe on his face. Dylan looks back, grinning, and his leg spins back around with mechanical clicks and whirs. Before Dylan can march his foot into Jesse’s face Spike drops an axehandle on the Nemesis! PRICE dropkicks Dylan out of the ring where he takes a rough tumble neck first into the cage and Spike turns to catch a punch from PRICE and reverse with a chop! Those two XHF OGs begin to go back and forth with chops, laying into one another in the middle of the ring! Boos for PRICE and cheers for the X*Crown Champ.
Spike manages to get the upper hand, backing PRICE into the corner. He drives his shoulder into the gut of PRICE, slinging a few fatphobic insults at his nemesis as he does it. PRICE reverses one with a high knee, before a few elbows and a discus elbow topple the X*Crown champ. PRICE begins some joint manipulation, stomping on the joints of Spike and Jesse. He grabs Spike’s knee and DDT’s that into the canvas. He grabs Jesse and sits him up, before dropping him with a seated neck breaker! He jaws off at the camera before posing for the crowd!
Zosty: The old PRICE is back! And goddamn you love to see these violent motherfuckers in an environment like this.
Elfas: If I could be honest, I wish this were a tad more civilized. So many violent weapons and pain. It makes me sick.
Zosty: It fills me with ecstasy!
Elfas: Gross.
PRICE turns back to his prey, and notices both Spike and Jesse getting up at the same time. He reaches up and his wrists are grabbed! He turns and Dylan is on top of the weapons platform! He pulls PRICE’s arms through the platform and Jesse and Spike both lift him by the feet, keeping him high enough up so Dylan can produce some zip ties and tie PRICE’s hands through the platform! The more experienced members of the Violence Quartet use PRICE like a punching bag, beating the life out of him. All PRICE does in response is smile and spit blood at Spike, who responds by turning around and nailing him with a BLOODY SUNDAY! PRICE SWINGS BUT GOES LIMP, HE AIN’T MOVING ANYTIME SOON! Jesse and Spike go back to teeing off on one another, pent-up frustrations from their July Birthday Bash match. They throw bombs at each other before noticing Dylan trying to parkour his way from the platform down onto a ladder. Gravity ain’t having it and neither are they! Spike grabs the ladder and pulls it away and Jesse grabs Dylan and powerbombs back into the cage where he slumps on the floor!
Elfas: Good friends, better enemies!
Zosty: You could say that about 90 percent of the XHF.
Jesse turns around and eats a face full of steel from the ladder! Spike plows over the goliath and reaches over for the barbed wire spool introduced earlier. He begins to wrap Jesse up, binding his hands behind his back. He cuts that, then gets some more wrap and rips the mask off of Jesse! The Jackal of Madness hasn’t been seen maskless in years and he looks furious at this disrespect by Spike! Spike just takes a bunch of barbed wire and begins to wrap it around Jesse’s bare face!
Elfas: *gags*
Spike wraps that barbed wire tightly around Jesse’s face, blood pouring all over now. Jesse eggs him on, telling him it doesn’t even hurt that much, and Spike just responds by yanking the wire! Jesse screams in pain as Spike keeps wrapping the wire around and around his face, making a new mask out of barbed wire for the Canadian Nightmare. Spike relents and grabs the dino mask and puts that back on, wrapping that with barbed wire so it doesn’t come off Jesse’s head. He then grabs a chair from earlier and WHAM! Absolutely fucking wallops Jesse so hard in the face his mask turns from green to red. Spike turns and smashes PRICE in the ribs with a chair shot that makes him squirm and grit his teeth. He turns and sees Dylan, hand in a bag. He goes for a swing but Dylan throws something in his eyes! Pocket sand? Salt? Some sort of powder that is just burning Spike’s eyes!
Zosty: YEAH! That is how you handle someone you can’t take on clean!
Elfas: Pocket sand?
Zosty: Yep!
Elfas: I’ll have to remember that when I tackle Santa and his anti-union stances.
Zosty: *blibk blink*
With Spike blinded by the pocket sand, Dylan chop blocks him to get him down to his knees. He then grabs out another bag from his belt, and reaches in for… THUMBTACKS! SPIKE’S EYES GO WIDE, HE ENDURED THIS BACK IN JULY BUT HE’S NOT READY FOR IT AGAIN! Spike tries to wiggle out of this but Dylan just smirks and pries open his mouth. Spike tries to plea in a moment that looks like genuine fear and Dylan pauses. Showing concern, maybe pity? BUT THEN DUMPS THE THUMBTACKS IN SPIKE’S MOUTH! HE PULLS THE STRINGS AND DROPS THE BAG, BEFORE KICKING OUT SPIKE’S LEGS AND GRABBING HIS ARMS! OH NO OH FUCK! JESSE SLIDES A CHAIR UNDER NEATH AND BAM! DYNAMIC OUTRO! DYLAN JUST STOMPS SPIKE’S FACE INTO THE CHAIR, WITH THE THUMBTACKS IN HIS MOUTH!
Elfas: *gags harder* I’m not cut out for this.
A pool of blood spills out under Spike as he lays prone on the mat. Dylan and Jesse stare each other down, tensely staring at each other before PRICE drops from the ceiling. Both of them turn and go for a bicycle knee strike to PRICE! But Dylan angles himself slightly, and as Jesse hits PRICE, Dylan hits Jesse! They both fall to the ground as Dylan turns to face Spike, going for a curb stomp! No! SPIKE HITS HIM WITH A SPEAR! SPIKE LEVELS DYLAN AND SPITS BLOOD, TACKS, AND DISRESPECT ALL OVER DYLAN!
Elfas: Such disrespect!
Zosty: I love it!
Spike, being the last man standing, grabs some tables and glass panes, setting them all up at ringside. Wrapping them in barbed wire. Spike begins to climb up onto the platform, pouring buckets of butane onto the tables and glass below. One by one, Dylan, Jesse, and PRICE all climb up, and together they all grab lighters and drop them onto the flaming mess below. Then, they all stand across from one another, bated breath before they all face off again.
PRICE kicks it off by charging Spike and throwing bombs at each other, while Dylan uses his educated feet to knock down the goliath Jesse! Jesse grabs his fake arm, the one enhanced by nanotech, and just smashed it clean off, throwing it god knows where. He kicks Dylan and powerbombs him down onto the platform, rattling it. Jesse turns and with a spinning heel kick, blasting both Spike and PRICE. But Dylan jumps on his back, locking a sleeper hold in. Jesse stumbles, and Spike and PRICE grab Jesse by the throat for a double Spanish fly. THEY ALL FLY OFF THE PLATFORM!!!
…
…
…
CRASH!
EVERYONE FALLS THROUGH THE TABLES!
GLASS FLIES EVERYWHERE!
EVERYONE’S ON FIRE!
BUT… BUT THE REF IS GETTING DOWN. HE’S COUNTING SOMETHING!
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!
The bell rings and everyone is confused. In a pile of bodies and destruction, no one could see who pinned who. But the ref wades through the bodies to try and present his winner. He grabs an arm. Raises it. A metal arm. DYLAN BLACK WINS!
Xanta Claus: The winner of this match, via pinfall, and technically(?) the XHF Hardcore Champion? Mongo probably won’t recognize that. The winner, THE MESSIAH OF MAYHEM DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAACK!
Elfas: Dylan wins! But at what cost?
Zosty: Let’s be honest, no one’s walking out here. No one wins. They all suck!
Elfas: So rude. They put in a ton of effort tonight! They should be commended for such things.
The cage is raised and a cleaning crew is brought out to clean the general area. As they clear the carnage they can see Dylan Black laying on top of Jesse where the others were on Jesse’s side. None of our competitors move though, for they are all too beat up, too tired to move. In victory or defeat, they cannot bring themselves to move. Some EMTs come out to begin stretchering the warriors out as we cut to the commentary booth.
Zosty: What a night. Wars were waged. Battles were decided. And friendships were started and ended and continued. I must say I’m impressed with everything we saw tonight.
Elfas: Me too. But my time is up and I must get back to the north pole. Ciao!
And Elfas just dusts away like a Thanos snap.
Zosty: What the fuck?
And we cut to the following image.