Post by Dave D-Flipz on Jan 12, 2022 11:16:49 GMT -5
NEWS FLASH: Popular XHF Network racing stars missing!
That’s right folks, local news outlets out of North Carolina have reported that after the October spate of End of Days festivities focusing on Competitive Automotive Racing, one crew didn’t make it back from South Carolina and the historic battlefield at King’s Mountain. While three crews and … most … of the competitors in the bicycle race, returned to action soon after; the fan … favorites? Most hated? … The notable team of the Angry Mad Chemists failed to show up at home in the tri-state area. In fact the building we frequently see in their video packages has been mostly silent. We contacted a few of the locals to get their opinions on their missing local celebrities.
*The camera opens on the streets of the tri-state area! (NY, NJ, CT for you west coasters), a camera crew is tracking down locals around the DEI building … which is conspicuous for its lack of an intro jingle. They track down an overweight bald man in a white guinea tea and green flip flops.*
Crew: Sir! How has it been these last two months knowing your local celebrities are missing?
Carl: Say wha? Da G-Men have been missing for a while. Dey ain’t got what it takes to tough it out anymore. Buncha pansies you know’s what I’m saying?
Crew: Oh we were referring to the guy who owns the penthouse in that building!
Carl: Who? The pharmacist? Eh nobody cares about that loser. Come talk to me again if Eli Manning goes missing. I gotta go, long day of sitting on my couch watching old Foreigner and Loverboy concerts. You oughtta go find the Fry man, he won’t know either but any time someone annoys those guys it’s … well it’s freaking hilarious!
*They approach a parcel delivery truck where a slightly pudgy, average looking dude in an IPS delivery service uniform approaches his truck.*
Crew: Sir, what do you think happened to the AMC?
Doug: The movie channel? It’s gone? Oh that’s a real shame man. I remember movie nights with Carrie, Deacon, and sometimes Ray. Tough to see good TV go away.
Crew: No the racing crew.
Doug: Oh! The ones from that wrestling network? I am not up to date on that, too upset over the Jets being terrible again. Can’t wait for baseball season. … If the lockout ever ends.
*They turn and find a police officer.*
Crew: What are the police doing about these missing persons, officer?
Andy: Excuse me? I’m a sergeant, I run an entire precinct, if there were any missing people I would know. Who are we missing?
Crew: Why, the people who frequent that high rise building.
Andy: Come to think of it, I haven’t heard that random jingle at odd hours in two months. Eh, he’s probably out getting back with his ex. Heard the alimony is fantastic, though. Shame to lose that.
*The crew sighs. A platypus wearing a fedora swings into shot near them, sees the camera and removes the fedora and drops to the ground.*
Crew: A platypus?
Perry: *Clicking sounds*
Crew: How enlightening. OH!
*They spot the mayor of a random town in this area that is never explicitly named.*
Crew: Mayor Doofenshmirtz! Have you any word on your brother?
Roger: My brother? Is he up to his old antics again. Last time he tried that he ended up stuck dressed as a lawn gnome back home, ah hahaha, good fun really.
Crew: No. He, and his team of racers that he sponsors have gone entirely missing! For two months, going on three!
Roger: WHAT? Why wasn’t I informed! I will bring the full weight of my office down to find him! … Uh …
*flips out cell phone* Denise? Get the entire task force together! …….. Yes …. Yes just Jerry then.
*With that he strolls away*
THE CITIZENS ARE CLEARLY CONCERNED! What has become of the plucky underdog racers that everyone seems to love? Or did love for a period of time and now wants to sue for odd medical conditions? Will we ever see the angry scamps again? Was this all a secret evil plot by the Esoteric Order of Driving? Will everyone’s favorite hero Lord Dominicus save the AMC? WHY IS NOBODY BLAMING MONGO FOR LETTING HIS EMPLOYEES GO MISSING? Will news report clichés ever grow tired? WE THINK NOT!
*In the background of the previous news report stumbles a man in a red lab coat and wearing some horrible set of evil goggles on his head. He stumbles towards the DEI building, looking worse for wear. He has clearly been through the ringer, his butt is now one size too small from all the
"No … media … they said … no media. Need to get to chemistruckinator."
*As the Horrible Driver presses on alone to the building, we are left to wonder what has become of his friends. And why is he here? Either way he intends to race, and win, for the sake of his team. He stumbles into the building and uses his secret key on the elevator to get to the garage level. He pulls the sheet off the Chemistruckinator and wipes the
THE EPIC STORY: UNEARTHLY DOPPELGANGER – this season on CAR! STAY TUNED FOR MORE!
1. How does your crew respond to catching fire?
Billy: Standard day ending in Y these days ...
2. How do they respond to sudden loud noises from the fireworks?
Billy: OH SCIENCE IT'S THE UNHOLY ARMY OF R'YLEH! ... Oh ... pretty.
3. Favorite type of firework?
Billy: The one that earns my freedom.
4. How will your team respond to winning?
Billy: Yay! I get to keep my arms!
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Billy: Dog food for lunch for a month for Billy...
