Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2022 19:48:38 GMT -5
Hey it’s that time again as Brittany April appears on the screen at the post show desk. Today she’s in a blue blouse and skirt with that smile on her face.
Brittany April: “It’s been a few days to let the latest edition of NLW Ascendancy sit in your stomachs like a delicious cheesesteak. As usual we’ll go through the action, I’ll make predictions for the next show and, for the first time EVER, we will have a guest on the show! As for who it is, well, that’s always going to be a surprise.”
She gave a wink before shuffling some papers and sipping her Starbucks mug. A smile remains on her face.
Brittany April: “Okay, we started off with the usual commentary hype before going backstage to see BB Gunn talking to the Goons and Darlene Price. That’s about as scary as walking down an alley when it’s raining in New York City and your name is Kirsten Dunst. Anyways, they threaten Gunn, Gunn says you do anything Ric is stripped like a chicken. Girl Price replaces Ric in the eight person tag match. That's the jist of it.”
And sip.
Brittany April: “First match was newcomer Willie Steen taking on violent ass Scott Hampton. This was a back and forth affair between the two of them. A big ole axe kick got Hampton the win. Steen looked good in his debut though and might be able to do some things in the future, but Hampton was looking to establish himself and did so. Good work by both guys in this match, they should feel proud.”
Three stars and a sip.
Brittany April: “And we have a Sexton Love return package. He don’t need to come back. He can just piss off forever and we’d all be better off for it. But nooooooo! Awful.”
No sip and a frowny face as it goes to the first ad break showcasing all the XHF Network Events that are upcoming. Another ad shows for Cobra Kai because that show fucking rules.
Brittany April: “Eight person tag match next as Brad Swann, Nathan Parker, David Goon and Darlene Price took on New South, Adam Sanders and Felix. Or as my niece and nephew call Felix, the karate man. This was a blast of a match to watch with everyone getting some time to look good and get their shit in. I mean, if you’re not trying to get your shit in, are you even wrestling? Of course you had some jerks in the crowd yelling learn to work but hey. Anyways, Felix picked up the win after Adam hit the Dream Breaker. Another great match in this great company.”
Three and a half stars, a sip and now a bite of a doughnut. Looks to have pink frosting and sprinkles.
Brittany April: “Oh, great, that worthless interviewer Kelly Ross. Anyways, she talked to Nathan Cage, the superior Nathan of the company, and he just goes in on like a few people, especially Ric Goon. Cage wants that championship. He wants it like a fat kid wants a cupcake or how half the XHF Network wants to play hide the sausage in Eli Dresden.”
Say it with me. AND SIP. A bit of fussin’ by a baby was heard as Brittany picked up her baby boy and started to rock him.
Brittany April: “Excuse the Lil’ Mister. He’s been a bit clingy so I can’t go too far without him. Kinda like how some of y’all can’t let go of who you used to be.”
Shrug follows as the baby begins to chill and go back in his little car seat.
Brittany April: “Al Jabroni took on The Jitterman next. Jitterman completely destroyed Jabroni. Don’t know what else to say, honestly. Jitterman is like Michael Myers in that ring, it looks. Nothing really phased him. Might be the first in a long line of victims.”
Star and a half as a squash appears on the screen.
Brittany April: “I’m not going to talk about my own appearances on screen, but it was fun talking to Chris.”
Sip.
Brittany April: “We had Nathan Cage taking on Razor Blade in a battle for the ages. Cage is just batshit insane in that ring and is so great to watch. The guy is a star. Razor Blade tried to give it an attempt but Cage is a man on a mission. Like half the men in the XHF Network… nah already made that joke. Cage wins and I still haven’t gotten a match wrong, by the way.”
Two and a half stars. Sip. Bite of doughnut.
Brittany April: “Tommy Kelly came out and told Cage it wasn’t over yet. Good for him.”
Another ad break. This time for Cobra Kai again along with Awesome Games Done Quick.
Brittany April: “Bloodied Fox talked about getting pushed out of Battle for Hegemony and will instead shift focus to something else. Fox has seemingly called out our Southern States Champion, Thespian.”
Sip.
Brittany April: “Up next…”
She’s already gotten the giggles.
Brittany April: “Was The End defending the NLW Tag Team Titles against the Tilted Cartridges. I don’t care what happened in the match, it was great, full of awesome shit. The best part is when The End lost. TILTED CARTRIDGES WITH ONE OF THE BEST UPSETS IN NLW HISTORY! Fish boy and dork ass lost the belts. Thank you Dunne and Cheez for ending our national nightmare.”
A graphic for a million stars is shown. Man, if she doesn’t ever wrestle again this is all a bit of a tease against The End isn’t it?
Brittany April: “BB Gunn announced some contendership stuff as there’s a beat the clock challenge with six wrestlers and whoever wins in the fastest time gets to face Thespian for the Southern States Title. Normally, you want to last as long as you can but… anyways. There will be a four way tag match, more on that later, to determine who will face Cartridges and End at Masquerade in a TLC match. That’s sexy.”
Sip and bite.
Brittany April: “And then it was time for our main event as Keahi Sparks, who has been wonderful, took on Ric Goon for the NLW Championship. The Goons did Goon things like cheat, be general assholes and the sort as Sparks showed that fire that got her this title shot in the first place. Eventually, well, Nathan Cage appeared and cost Sparks the title. I love Cage but fuck him for that. I was rooting for Queen Sparks!”
Three stars.
Brittany April: “Gunn showed up again and announced it will be Goon against Cage against Sparks at Supremacy! That should be a killer match. And that’s how we ended the show. It was another great show and I’ll give it a B+. Great upset, great matches and we nearly saw Al Jabroni die.”
Ad break! Various videos for other companies on the Network air, but a special highlight on Roy Case’s path of destruction in SCCW.
Brittany April: “Predictions will be different this week. We have three beat the clock matches as Al Jabroni takes on Willie Steen, Devin Mitchell goes against Adam Sanders and Bloodied Fox wrestles Nathan Parker. I think this comes down to Fox beating Parker quick but Sanders beats Mitchell faster. Fuck Mitchell for shit talking my brother. Adam beats him in like 5 minutes.”
Sip.
Brittany April: “Wellington Dunne takes on The Jitterman. I know Dunne is riding high but with what we saw from Jitterman, I think Jitterman wins this one.”
And she finishes the doughnut.
Brittany April: “The Academy takes on the Goons who takes on the New South in a three way match for contendership for the tag titles. Razor Blade and his lady had to withdraw for unknown reasons. I think the Academy are ready to step up. The Goons have more pressing matters, but New South could surprise.”
Sip.
Brittany April: “Our main event sees Thespian defend against the winner of the Beat the Clock Challenge. While I have Adam Sanders slotted to face off against the champion, I think Thespian retains. It takes a lot to wrestle twice in a night and Thes will be fresh for whoever wins.”
Final ad break of the show. Let’s say it’s for Body Armor, Red Bull and Ghostbusters: Afterlife.
Brittany April: “Well, folks, I said tonight is special joining me at this time is my first ever guest on the post show… Eli Dresden!”
Lot of sexy in the room.
Brittany April: “Welcome, Eli. Let’s get right into it. How did you get into the business?
Eli Dresden: "When I was little, I lived and breathed gymnastics, right? Then Dr. Nassar happened and..."
Trailing off, Eli shakes her head--not willing to go further into it.
Eli Dresden: "Well, I needed something else to throw my energy into. My brothers were big into wrestling, and so I started watchin' it with'em. Unsurprisingly, I got hooked. One thing led to another, and now here I am."
Brittany April: “What has been your greatest success?”
Eli Dresden: "It's a tie between winning the trident at Supremacy 2021 and beating Leon Chant for the NLW World Championship. If you twist my arm and make me lean one way or the other, then I'd have to go with the trident."
Brittany April: “Conversely, what is your worst failure?”
Eli Dresden: "...losing the NLW Championship in my first defense. Not takin' anything away from that mangy ol' bird, but I beat me as much as he beat me. I let the success go to my head and I paid for it."
Brittany April: “What are some facts people might not know about Eli Dresden?”
Eli Dresden: "That I'm willin' to share?"
A mischievous grin.
Eli Dresden: "Well... let's see. I know how to play the guitar, but I'm heinously out of practice at this point. I also really, really hate peas. It's a texture thing."
Brittany April: “You’re known as one of the biggest hotties in wrestling, how does that feel?”
Eli Dresden: "Honestly? It's a double-edged sword. On one hand, who doesn't like feelin' attractive? The problem comes when people--and by people, I mostly mean men--try to reduce me to just being hot, y'know? Like they focus on my looks and what they assume to be true of my sex life and ignore what I can do in the ring.”
Brittany April: “You don’t have to answer this but top five hottest people in NLW?”
Eli Dresden: “...fuck it, you want it in order?”
Brittany April: “Whatever you want to do, Eli. This is about you, but it’s always nice to see a ranking in order.”
Eli Dresden: "Okay, top five hottest people in NLW that are not named Eli Dresden."
Both women laugh.
Eli Dresden: "Number one's Nathan Cage--I mean, duh. Just look at him. All that intensity... it's got to carry over to the bedroom. Second place is Leon Chant. Even if we fell out of touch... Lord, the man has a gift with turns of phrase. Third place is your brother--"
And Brittany’s face turns a little green right there.
Eli Dresden: "Fine, fine--no details."
Nyeh.
Eli Dresden: "Fourth is Keahi Sparks because Lord. Lord. Have you seen that ass? And then to close the list out... Fargo's pretty hot, if maybe a little too into tentacle porn."
Brittany April: “Have you ever considered a project outside of wrestling like acting?”
Eli Dresden: "I... haven't, really? I'm sure I'll need somethin' for once I'm done with wrestlin', but I'm not worried about it. For now, this is where I wanna be."
Brittany April: “And, to finish this interview, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
Eli Dresden: "Well, wouldn't you like to know."
Insert eyebrow wriggle here. Brittany laughs and blows a kiss to Eli as that’s probably prompting a lot of fan fiction.
Brittany April: “Thank you for your time tonight Eli. Always a pleasure with you, babe. And as for me, I’ll see ya next time!”
And that’s it.
Brittany April: “It’s been a few days to let the latest edition of NLW Ascendancy sit in your stomachs like a delicious cheesesteak. As usual we’ll go through the action, I’ll make predictions for the next show and, for the first time EVER, we will have a guest on the show! As for who it is, well, that’s always going to be a surprise.”
She gave a wink before shuffling some papers and sipping her Starbucks mug. A smile remains on her face.
Brittany April: “Okay, we started off with the usual commentary hype before going backstage to see BB Gunn talking to the Goons and Darlene Price. That’s about as scary as walking down an alley when it’s raining in New York City and your name is Kirsten Dunst. Anyways, they threaten Gunn, Gunn says you do anything Ric is stripped like a chicken. Girl Price replaces Ric in the eight person tag match. That's the jist of it.”
And sip.
Brittany April: “First match was newcomer Willie Steen taking on violent ass Scott Hampton. This was a back and forth affair between the two of them. A big ole axe kick got Hampton the win. Steen looked good in his debut though and might be able to do some things in the future, but Hampton was looking to establish himself and did so. Good work by both guys in this match, they should feel proud.”
Three stars and a sip.
Brittany April: “And we have a Sexton Love return package. He don’t need to come back. He can just piss off forever and we’d all be better off for it. But nooooooo! Awful.”
No sip and a frowny face as it goes to the first ad break showcasing all the XHF Network Events that are upcoming. Another ad shows for Cobra Kai because that show fucking rules.
Brittany April: “Eight person tag match next as Brad Swann, Nathan Parker, David Goon and Darlene Price took on New South, Adam Sanders and Felix. Or as my niece and nephew call Felix, the karate man. This was a blast of a match to watch with everyone getting some time to look good and get their shit in. I mean, if you’re not trying to get your shit in, are you even wrestling? Of course you had some jerks in the crowd yelling learn to work but hey. Anyways, Felix picked up the win after Adam hit the Dream Breaker. Another great match in this great company.”
Three and a half stars, a sip and now a bite of a doughnut. Looks to have pink frosting and sprinkles.
Brittany April: “Oh, great, that worthless interviewer Kelly Ross. Anyways, she talked to Nathan Cage, the superior Nathan of the company, and he just goes in on like a few people, especially Ric Goon. Cage wants that championship. He wants it like a fat kid wants a cupcake or how half the XHF Network wants to play hide the sausage in Eli Dresden.”
Say it with me. AND SIP. A bit of fussin’ by a baby was heard as Brittany picked up her baby boy and started to rock him.
Brittany April: “Excuse the Lil’ Mister. He’s been a bit clingy so I can’t go too far without him. Kinda like how some of y’all can’t let go of who you used to be.”
Shrug follows as the baby begins to chill and go back in his little car seat.
Brittany April: “Al Jabroni took on The Jitterman next. Jitterman completely destroyed Jabroni. Don’t know what else to say, honestly. Jitterman is like Michael Myers in that ring, it looks. Nothing really phased him. Might be the first in a long line of victims.”
Star and a half as a squash appears on the screen.
Brittany April: “I’m not going to talk about my own appearances on screen, but it was fun talking to Chris.”
Sip.
Brittany April: “We had Nathan Cage taking on Razor Blade in a battle for the ages. Cage is just batshit insane in that ring and is so great to watch. The guy is a star. Razor Blade tried to give it an attempt but Cage is a man on a mission. Like half the men in the XHF Network… nah already made that joke. Cage wins and I still haven’t gotten a match wrong, by the way.”
Two and a half stars. Sip. Bite of doughnut.
Brittany April: “Tommy Kelly came out and told Cage it wasn’t over yet. Good for him.”
Another ad break. This time for Cobra Kai again along with Awesome Games Done Quick.
Brittany April: “Bloodied Fox talked about getting pushed out of Battle for Hegemony and will instead shift focus to something else. Fox has seemingly called out our Southern States Champion, Thespian.”
Sip.
Brittany April: “Up next…”
She’s already gotten the giggles.
Brittany April: “Was The End defending the NLW Tag Team Titles against the Tilted Cartridges. I don’t care what happened in the match, it was great, full of awesome shit. The best part is when The End lost. TILTED CARTRIDGES WITH ONE OF THE BEST UPSETS IN NLW HISTORY! Fish boy and dork ass lost the belts. Thank you Dunne and Cheez for ending our national nightmare.”
A graphic for a million stars is shown. Man, if she doesn’t ever wrestle again this is all a bit of a tease against The End isn’t it?
Brittany April: “BB Gunn announced some contendership stuff as there’s a beat the clock challenge with six wrestlers and whoever wins in the fastest time gets to face Thespian for the Southern States Title. Normally, you want to last as long as you can but… anyways. There will be a four way tag match, more on that later, to determine who will face Cartridges and End at Masquerade in a TLC match. That’s sexy.”
Sip and bite.
Brittany April: “And then it was time for our main event as Keahi Sparks, who has been wonderful, took on Ric Goon for the NLW Championship. The Goons did Goon things like cheat, be general assholes and the sort as Sparks showed that fire that got her this title shot in the first place. Eventually, well, Nathan Cage appeared and cost Sparks the title. I love Cage but fuck him for that. I was rooting for Queen Sparks!”
Three stars.
Brittany April: “Gunn showed up again and announced it will be Goon against Cage against Sparks at Supremacy! That should be a killer match. And that’s how we ended the show. It was another great show and I’ll give it a B+. Great upset, great matches and we nearly saw Al Jabroni die.”
Ad break! Various videos for other companies on the Network air, but a special highlight on Roy Case’s path of destruction in SCCW.
Brittany April: “Predictions will be different this week. We have three beat the clock matches as Al Jabroni takes on Willie Steen, Devin Mitchell goes against Adam Sanders and Bloodied Fox wrestles Nathan Parker. I think this comes down to Fox beating Parker quick but Sanders beats Mitchell faster. Fuck Mitchell for shit talking my brother. Adam beats him in like 5 minutes.”
Sip.
Brittany April: “Wellington Dunne takes on The Jitterman. I know Dunne is riding high but with what we saw from Jitterman, I think Jitterman wins this one.”
And she finishes the doughnut.
Brittany April: “The Academy takes on the Goons who takes on the New South in a three way match for contendership for the tag titles. Razor Blade and his lady had to withdraw for unknown reasons. I think the Academy are ready to step up. The Goons have more pressing matters, but New South could surprise.”
Sip.
Brittany April: “Our main event sees Thespian defend against the winner of the Beat the Clock Challenge. While I have Adam Sanders slotted to face off against the champion, I think Thespian retains. It takes a lot to wrestle twice in a night and Thes will be fresh for whoever wins.”
Final ad break of the show. Let’s say it’s for Body Armor, Red Bull and Ghostbusters: Afterlife.
Brittany April: “Well, folks, I said tonight is special joining me at this time is my first ever guest on the post show… Eli Dresden!”
Lot of sexy in the room.
Brittany April: “Welcome, Eli. Let’s get right into it. How did you get into the business?
Eli Dresden: "When I was little, I lived and breathed gymnastics, right? Then Dr. Nassar happened and..."
Trailing off, Eli shakes her head--not willing to go further into it.
Eli Dresden: "Well, I needed something else to throw my energy into. My brothers were big into wrestling, and so I started watchin' it with'em. Unsurprisingly, I got hooked. One thing led to another, and now here I am."
Brittany April: “What has been your greatest success?”
Eli Dresden: "It's a tie between winning the trident at Supremacy 2021 and beating Leon Chant for the NLW World Championship. If you twist my arm and make me lean one way or the other, then I'd have to go with the trident."
Brittany April: “Conversely, what is your worst failure?”
Eli Dresden: "...losing the NLW Championship in my first defense. Not takin' anything away from that mangy ol' bird, but I beat me as much as he beat me. I let the success go to my head and I paid for it."
Brittany April: “What are some facts people might not know about Eli Dresden?”
Eli Dresden: "That I'm willin' to share?"
A mischievous grin.
Eli Dresden: "Well... let's see. I know how to play the guitar, but I'm heinously out of practice at this point. I also really, really hate peas. It's a texture thing."
Brittany April: “You’re known as one of the biggest hotties in wrestling, how does that feel?”
Eli Dresden: "Honestly? It's a double-edged sword. On one hand, who doesn't like feelin' attractive? The problem comes when people--and by people, I mostly mean men--try to reduce me to just being hot, y'know? Like they focus on my looks and what they assume to be true of my sex life and ignore what I can do in the ring.”
Brittany April: “You don’t have to answer this but top five hottest people in NLW?”
Eli Dresden: “...fuck it, you want it in order?”
Brittany April: “Whatever you want to do, Eli. This is about you, but it’s always nice to see a ranking in order.”
Eli Dresden: "Okay, top five hottest people in NLW that are not named Eli Dresden."
Both women laugh.
Eli Dresden: "Number one's Nathan Cage--I mean, duh. Just look at him. All that intensity... it's got to carry over to the bedroom. Second place is Leon Chant. Even if we fell out of touch... Lord, the man has a gift with turns of phrase. Third place is your brother--"
And Brittany’s face turns a little green right there.
Eli Dresden: "Fine, fine--no details."
Nyeh.
Eli Dresden: "Fourth is Keahi Sparks because Lord. Lord. Have you seen that ass? And then to close the list out... Fargo's pretty hot, if maybe a little too into tentacle porn."
Brittany April: “Have you ever considered a project outside of wrestling like acting?”
Eli Dresden: "I... haven't, really? I'm sure I'll need somethin' for once I'm done with wrestlin', but I'm not worried about it. For now, this is where I wanna be."
Brittany April: “And, to finish this interview, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?”
Eli Dresden: "Well, wouldn't you like to know."
Insert eyebrow wriggle here. Brittany laughs and blows a kiss to Eli as that’s probably prompting a lot of fan fiction.
Brittany April: “Thank you for your time tonight Eli. Always a pleasure with you, babe. And as for me, I’ll see ya next time!”
And that’s it.