Comfort From The Storm with Evan Valentine Jr.
Jan 21, 2022 19:47:50 GMT -5
anthonycaffrey and bloodiedfox like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on Jan 21, 2022 19:47:50 GMT -5
You are watching The Blessed Be Network, at 7:00 it's Giving Back. The hit show where people of faith surprise those deserving of a helping hand.
(Fade to a customer standing in front of a snow covered Burger King in Fargo, North Dakota)
Customer: I've been coming to this Burger King my entire life, but after my divorce 13 years ago, I started buying a newspaper and staying here the entire day. And one person who is always here with a smile on her face, and keeps those coffee refills coming, is Beverly, who is 94 years young, a formerly retired social worker.
(Cut to a shot of the Giving Back van following Beverly from a distance as she walks gingerly along the shoulder of the I-94 in the snow)
Customer: We found out Beverly doesn't own a car, and she has to get up at 2 in the morning to walk here every day. So I went to the rest of the regulars to see if there was something we could do. I went to Dan, who said he was at the Capitol riot but I played paintball with him that day. And Dorothy, who thinks we all died in 2006 and now we're all characters in a giant's dream. So we put together a little something that I think will change her life.
(Cut to the customer and Beverly standing in front of the Burger King)
Customer: Beverly, you make a pretty good Texas Double Whopper...
Beverly: The secret is to only microwave it for 25 seconds and let the cheese cook the rest of it.
Customer: You are an inspiration to people your age about hard work and not letting yourself get lazy just because your husband's medical bills meant you got evicted. So we all pitched in and got you...
(Close up of the customer)
(Close up of Beverly's emotionless expression as snow falls)
Customer: A membership to Pandora! So you can listen to music on your little walks on your phone!
Beverly: My what?
Customer: Your phone.
(Beverly just shivers)
Customer: We would have gotten you a bus pass, but you know how Dan is about giving money to the government...
Beverly: Can I go back inside now?
Customer: Uh, sure. Can I get a BK Stacker?
Beverly: I told you, hon, we don't make those no more.
Customer: YOU GOT ALL THE STUFF IN THE BACK, BEV!! Just make it!!
But next is Comfort From the Storm, with The Reverend Cornelius Marsh.
(The familiar whimsical organ music plays as the camera fades to Reverend Cornelius Marsh seated at a talk show desk with the J-Rok Trios Championships. Next to him is the pink haired middle aged woman petting her white pekingese dog, Chloe. There are four empty chairs next to her. Marsh has his hair slicked back and a honey sweet Southern voice)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Hello brothers and sisters, and welcome to Comfort from the Storm. I am the kind and benevolent Reverend Cornelius Marsh.
Nancy: (waves with both hands) Hey ya'll. I'm Nancy! I'm so excited about today's show, Rev. We got a special little guest coming back
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Not so little any more, Nancy. Our guest tonight has been a friend of the show way back in 2003.
(Cut to an 8 year old Evan Valentine Jr. singing like an angel. Hardkore Jonnie Valentine is seated next to Nancy, wearing an Eminem visor)
8 Year Old Evan: Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white
They are precious in His sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world
Younger Nancy: Aw.
(Reverend Marsh, Nancy, and Jonnie applaud little Evan as he bows. Fade back to present day program)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Please welcome back to the show, wrestling that detestable Donzig in Philadelphia, the former X Crown Champion, the undisputed and forever winner of The Battle of the Best, Evan Valentine Jr.!
("Gucci Gucci" by Kreayshawn and New Money comes out. El Rey, and Evan's cousins; Lance Valentine Jr. and Brian Valentine Jr. all sit down with Evan and Nancy being the closest to Reverend Marsh)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: My word, Evan how you've grown. How is your father? I miss him and his generosity.
Evan Valentine Jr.: He's straight. Sorry he hasn't been by much lately, he's not super churchy.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Oh me neither. (whispers from the side of his hand) Frankly, the Lord considers those types to be kind of suck ups, you know?
Evan Valentine Jr.: For reals.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: So you have challenged the heretic, Donzig, to defend the good name of Jonathan K. Valentine. That's an inspiring thing to do for your father.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Hundo P. Giving Back is doing a show about it next week. Look, I know people think I'm some good looking amazing rapper that can beat anyone in Fireside whenever I want, but I'm also a family man. And nothing means more to me than my last name. It makes me better than anyone on that beat up roster, before I ever learned a flat back. And when someone says something about my father, a wrestler who did everything there is to do in this business? They gone get a side of me no one has peeped before.
Nancy: (sniffles) I think I'm going to cry.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Well, he didn't just insult father, if that isn't horrible enough, but he threatened to leave you for dead. He once again, invoked your father's name.
(Evan puts his hands in his face, as his knee bounces from anger)
Evan Valentine Jr.: (takes his hands away from his face) And you know, that's not even the part that bothered me the most. My man, clean your house.
(Valentine pats his chest)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I’m a rich person. I'm not supposed to see that much dust and not be inspecting the 19th century Victorian house I'm renovating in Rhode Island. I can't stand to see that much dirt. Makes me want to fire your cleaning staff. I have talked to Caff about this, but apparently I don’t “have any say" in how you choose to live, but he will be “looking into it“.
Lance Valentine Jr.: I don't think he is, E.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Shut up, Lance.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Donzig's grandfather Baron Scorpio wrestled your grandfather Johnny Valentine Sr. at the Cow Palace in 1963. Splitting two falls and then going to a time limit draw in what many observers of the day say was a "lackluster drag. The crowd's obligatory riot at the end seemed almost forced this month". Is this a chance to win one for your grandfather?
Brian Valentine Jr.: Look, we don't want to say that Evan beating Donzig will make my grandfather better than his grandfather.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Shut up, Brian, yes it does. Look, any mark with eyes that's watched my Pawpaw on YouTube knows he was better than Donzig's beat up ass grandfather. His Sicilian Claw was justifiably banned in the city of San Francisco...
Brian Valentine Jr.: Well to be fair, the backdrop was banned back then.
Evan Valentine Jr.: ...and that mobbed up timekeeper wound up dead in the trunk of his own car in 1973, so who knows who slipped a $20 in his pocket to ring the bell right when Pawpaw was about to drop his finish, the elbow drop.
Lance Valentine Jr.: That was like a $1000 back then.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Rey, I'm serious, can you take Lance for a walk or give him some weed gummies or somethin? He's giving me a migraine, Damn.
El Rey: I got it. Lance? You want nummies?
(Lance nods and starts eating gummies out of El Rey's hand like a horse)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Why is this important to you, defending your father, defeating the grandson of your grandfather's hated enemy?
Evan Valentine Jr.: Look, anyone who tells you that wrestling is about hard work and sacrifice is working. It's about your last name. And what is my last name if I got bald people running down my family? (Slams his hand on the table) BALD PEOPLE!! If I let the boys laugh at me behind my back, I'd be no better than Vodka Fizz, who only got in the biz because his Mom fucked the
Bushwhackers. I can't let someone spit in my face and do nothing about it. That would make me MYOJIN.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Of course not, I...
Nancy: Because Evan spit in MYOJIN's face and he did nothing about it, Rev.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: I got it, Nancy! Thank you. Donzig is promising you hell and brimstone in this match in Philadelphia...
Brian Valentine Jr.: Home of the Pizza Steak!
Evan Valentine Jr.: Shut up, Brian.
(Brian pouts)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Do you know what you are walking into?
Evan Valentine Jr.: The only thing that scares me about Donzig is it looks like he's gonna die of a cat parasite living in that house of his. He can act like he and I are different, but he knows in that bald little mind of his that the only reason he got booked in the beginning is because he's Baron Scorpio's grandkid, and the only reason I wanted to have anything to do with him is because of what he said about my Dad, and the only reason the marks want to see us fight is because of our grandfathers. He don't have to worry bout me showin up ready for a fight. Has he seen my entrance? I gotta fight my way TO the ring, dog. Someone always lookin to try The Kid in Illadelph. And he better hope they try because by the time I step through the ropes into my ring, I'll be lookin to show my Pawpaw up in heaven that the Valentine name is still the number one in the business.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Hallelujah, and your Pawpaw is up there surely, ribs involving filling a wrestler's asthma inhaler with lighter fluid not withstanding. Well, Nancy and I will be watching...
Nancy: Well I will try, I still can't figure out them streaming things. I try and hit rewind with them weird little buttons and then I'm logged out of the whole deal and when I try and go back I just wind up watching old Golden Girls episodes and that Blanche is such a hussy and I just get so upset and...
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: (talking over her) You just go back to the original app and...(slaps the table) NOT RIGHT NOW, NANCY!! Evan, I think I speak for all of our viewers when we say we hope you send that false prophet back to hell where he so belongs.
Nancy: Mhmm.
(Brian, Lance, and El Rey all nod in agreement)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Well that was lovely, this has been Comfort From the Storm. Join us next week when we have one of the Baldwin brothers.
Nancy: Which one?
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: I believe it's the one from Flatliners.
Nancy: Oooh.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: (checks card) Oh, check that. It's the one from Biodome.
Nancy: (disappointed) Jiminy Crickets.
(The organ outro plays as the camera does a slow pull from the set as the lights go low)
This has been Comfort From the Storm. Coming up, the Top 50 Megachurch Pastors That Have Stepped Down In Disgrace! Find out who number one is this month!
(Fade to a customer standing in front of a snow covered Burger King in Fargo, North Dakota)
Customer: I've been coming to this Burger King my entire life, but after my divorce 13 years ago, I started buying a newspaper and staying here the entire day. And one person who is always here with a smile on her face, and keeps those coffee refills coming, is Beverly, who is 94 years young, a formerly retired social worker.
(Cut to a shot of the Giving Back van following Beverly from a distance as she walks gingerly along the shoulder of the I-94 in the snow)
Customer: We found out Beverly doesn't own a car, and she has to get up at 2 in the morning to walk here every day. So I went to the rest of the regulars to see if there was something we could do. I went to Dan, who said he was at the Capitol riot but I played paintball with him that day. And Dorothy, who thinks we all died in 2006 and now we're all characters in a giant's dream. So we put together a little something that I think will change her life.
(Cut to the customer and Beverly standing in front of the Burger King)
Customer: Beverly, you make a pretty good Texas Double Whopper...
Beverly: The secret is to only microwave it for 25 seconds and let the cheese cook the rest of it.
Customer: You are an inspiration to people your age about hard work and not letting yourself get lazy just because your husband's medical bills meant you got evicted. So we all pitched in and got you...
(Close up of the customer)
(Close up of Beverly's emotionless expression as snow falls)
Customer: A membership to Pandora! So you can listen to music on your little walks on your phone!
Beverly: My what?
Customer: Your phone.
(Beverly just shivers)
Customer: We would have gotten you a bus pass, but you know how Dan is about giving money to the government...
Beverly: Can I go back inside now?
Customer: Uh, sure. Can I get a BK Stacker?
Beverly: I told you, hon, we don't make those no more.
Customer: YOU GOT ALL THE STUFF IN THE BACK, BEV!! Just make it!!
But next is Comfort From the Storm, with The Reverend Cornelius Marsh.
(The familiar whimsical organ music plays as the camera fades to Reverend Cornelius Marsh seated at a talk show desk with the J-Rok Trios Championships. Next to him is the pink haired middle aged woman petting her white pekingese dog, Chloe. There are four empty chairs next to her. Marsh has his hair slicked back and a honey sweet Southern voice)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Hello brothers and sisters, and welcome to Comfort from the Storm. I am the kind and benevolent Reverend Cornelius Marsh.
Nancy: (waves with both hands) Hey ya'll. I'm Nancy! I'm so excited about today's show, Rev. We got a special little guest coming back
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Not so little any more, Nancy. Our guest tonight has been a friend of the show way back in 2003.
(Cut to an 8 year old Evan Valentine Jr. singing like an angel. Hardkore Jonnie Valentine is seated next to Nancy, wearing an Eminem visor)
8 Year Old Evan: Jesus loves the little children
All the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white
They are precious in His sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world
Younger Nancy: Aw.
(Reverend Marsh, Nancy, and Jonnie applaud little Evan as he bows. Fade back to present day program)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Please welcome back to the show, wrestling that detestable Donzig in Philadelphia, the former X Crown Champion, the undisputed and forever winner of The Battle of the Best, Evan Valentine Jr.!
("Gucci Gucci" by Kreayshawn and New Money comes out. El Rey, and Evan's cousins; Lance Valentine Jr. and Brian Valentine Jr. all sit down with Evan and Nancy being the closest to Reverend Marsh)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: My word, Evan how you've grown. How is your father? I miss him and his generosity.
Evan Valentine Jr.: He's straight. Sorry he hasn't been by much lately, he's not super churchy.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Oh me neither. (whispers from the side of his hand) Frankly, the Lord considers those types to be kind of suck ups, you know?
Evan Valentine Jr.: For reals.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: So you have challenged the heretic, Donzig, to defend the good name of Jonathan K. Valentine. That's an inspiring thing to do for your father.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Hundo P. Giving Back is doing a show about it next week. Look, I know people think I'm some good looking amazing rapper that can beat anyone in Fireside whenever I want, but I'm also a family man. And nothing means more to me than my last name. It makes me better than anyone on that beat up roster, before I ever learned a flat back. And when someone says something about my father, a wrestler who did everything there is to do in this business? They gone get a side of me no one has peeped before.
Nancy: (sniffles) I think I'm going to cry.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Well, he didn't just insult father, if that isn't horrible enough, but he threatened to leave you for dead. He once again, invoked your father's name.
(Evan puts his hands in his face, as his knee bounces from anger)
Evan Valentine Jr.: (takes his hands away from his face) And you know, that's not even the part that bothered me the most. My man, clean your house.
(Valentine pats his chest)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I’m a rich person. I'm not supposed to see that much dust and not be inspecting the 19th century Victorian house I'm renovating in Rhode Island. I can't stand to see that much dirt. Makes me want to fire your cleaning staff. I have talked to Caff about this, but apparently I don’t “have any say" in how you choose to live, but he will be “looking into it“.
Lance Valentine Jr.: I don't think he is, E.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Shut up, Lance.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Donzig's grandfather Baron Scorpio wrestled your grandfather Johnny Valentine Sr. at the Cow Palace in 1963. Splitting two falls and then going to a time limit draw in what many observers of the day say was a "lackluster drag. The crowd's obligatory riot at the end seemed almost forced this month". Is this a chance to win one for your grandfather?
Brian Valentine Jr.: Look, we don't want to say that Evan beating Donzig will make my grandfather better than his grandfather.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Shut up, Brian, yes it does. Look, any mark with eyes that's watched my Pawpaw on YouTube knows he was better than Donzig's beat up ass grandfather. His Sicilian Claw was justifiably banned in the city of San Francisco...
Brian Valentine Jr.: Well to be fair, the backdrop was banned back then.
Evan Valentine Jr.: ...and that mobbed up timekeeper wound up dead in the trunk of his own car in 1973, so who knows who slipped a $20 in his pocket to ring the bell right when Pawpaw was about to drop his finish, the elbow drop.
Lance Valentine Jr.: That was like a $1000 back then.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Rey, I'm serious, can you take Lance for a walk or give him some weed gummies or somethin? He's giving me a migraine, Damn.
El Rey: I got it. Lance? You want nummies?
(Lance nods and starts eating gummies out of El Rey's hand like a horse)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Why is this important to you, defending your father, defeating the grandson of your grandfather's hated enemy?
Evan Valentine Jr.: Look, anyone who tells you that wrestling is about hard work and sacrifice is working. It's about your last name. And what is my last name if I got bald people running down my family? (Slams his hand on the table) BALD PEOPLE!! If I let the boys laugh at me behind my back, I'd be no better than Vodka Fizz, who only got in the biz because his Mom fucked the
Bushwhackers. I can't let someone spit in my face and do nothing about it. That would make me MYOJIN.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Of course not, I...
Nancy: Because Evan spit in MYOJIN's face and he did nothing about it, Rev.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: I got it, Nancy! Thank you. Donzig is promising you hell and brimstone in this match in Philadelphia...
Brian Valentine Jr.: Home of the Pizza Steak!
Evan Valentine Jr.: Shut up, Brian.
(Brian pouts)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Do you know what you are walking into?
Evan Valentine Jr.: The only thing that scares me about Donzig is it looks like he's gonna die of a cat parasite living in that house of his. He can act like he and I are different, but he knows in that bald little mind of his that the only reason he got booked in the beginning is because he's Baron Scorpio's grandkid, and the only reason I wanted to have anything to do with him is because of what he said about my Dad, and the only reason the marks want to see us fight is because of our grandfathers. He don't have to worry bout me showin up ready for a fight. Has he seen my entrance? I gotta fight my way TO the ring, dog. Someone always lookin to try The Kid in Illadelph. And he better hope they try because by the time I step through the ropes into my ring, I'll be lookin to show my Pawpaw up in heaven that the Valentine name is still the number one in the business.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Hallelujah, and your Pawpaw is up there surely, ribs involving filling a wrestler's asthma inhaler with lighter fluid not withstanding. Well, Nancy and I will be watching...
Nancy: Well I will try, I still can't figure out them streaming things. I try and hit rewind with them weird little buttons and then I'm logged out of the whole deal and when I try and go back I just wind up watching old Golden Girls episodes and that Blanche is such a hussy and I just get so upset and...
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: (talking over her) You just go back to the original app and...(slaps the table) NOT RIGHT NOW, NANCY!! Evan, I think I speak for all of our viewers when we say we hope you send that false prophet back to hell where he so belongs.
Nancy: Mhmm.
(Brian, Lance, and El Rey all nod in agreement)
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: Well that was lovely, this has been Comfort From the Storm. Join us next week when we have one of the Baldwin brothers.
Nancy: Which one?
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: I believe it's the one from Flatliners.
Nancy: Oooh.
Reverend Cornelius Marsh: (checks card) Oh, check that. It's the one from Biodome.
Nancy: (disappointed) Jiminy Crickets.
(The organ outro plays as the camera does a slow pull from the set as the lights go low)
This has been Comfort From the Storm. Coming up, the Top 50 Megachurch Pastors That Have Stepped Down In Disgrace! Find out who number one is this month!