NLW Ascendancy XXX | Saturday, February 5th, 2022 | LIVE
Jan 25, 2022 12:55:06 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Jimbo, and 3 more like this
Post by Kris on Jan 25, 2022 12:55:06 GMT -5
Next Level Wrestling Presents
ASCENDENCY XXX
LIVE from the Lakefront Arena in New Orleans, Louisiana
Saturday, February 5th, 2022
As the thirtieth episode of Ascendancy begins, the crowd’s cheers come dangerously close to drowning out ‘Obey’ as it blares from the sound system, the camera panning over the fans as they excitedly await the beginning of the action that only NLW can provide them. Signs for the various members of the roster can be seen as colorful lights swirl over the crowd, one final pan over the assembled masses taken before the camera cuts to the announce table.
Dan Simmons: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to Ascendancy! I’m Dan Simmons,and joining me as always is Tommy West–and before we get into tonight’s show, we just want to take the opportunity to thank our fans.
Tommy West: Absolutely, Simmo! Without you, NLW would not have won the Golden Fed Award for the 2021 XHF Network Awards. From all of us on the roster, in the backstage area, the announce desk, and everywhere in-between, please accept our heartfelt thanks. We couldn’t have done it without you!
Dan Simmons: While there’s only four matches on the card tonight, folks, there’s no denying the action that you’re all going to get to see is top of the line! From the debut of El Chico Promedio against Nathan Parker to one half of the tag team champions competing in singles action, our main event where ten of NLWs best vie for a chance at taking on our newly-crowned NLW World Champion–
“WWWEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
HE AIN’T MY BOY,
BUT THE BROTHA IS HEAVY!”
The blast of ‘Gone Guru’ hits the fans in the Lakefront Arena like a shotgun. Out marches, Nathan Cage, NLW World Championship slung over his shoulder akin to a fresh kill. As is typical, he is greeted with an onslaught of cheers and boos from the NLW fans. Though, after a close contest at Supremacy and a newly one title, the cheers seem to outweigh the boos tonight.
Dan Simmons: Folks, he is controversial, he is dangerous. To be frank, he’s not my preferred kind of person. But it’s really irrelevant, he is the NLW. World. Champion.
Tommy West: You kidding!? Nathan Cage forced his way into the match, told everyone he was going to win the title. Then, did it! I don’t think anybody’s made a liar of him yet!
“GONE GURU, I'M THE NEW NEHRU!
SO ROCK THE TAMBOURINES AND DIDGERIDOO!
I'LL DELIVER WHO-EVER PAYS WHAT’S DO
THAT’S NINE FOR ME!
AND ONE FOR YOU!”
Dan Simmons: I, truly, can only imagine what Nathan Cage has to say here tonight.
Crowd:
YOU-DE-SERVE-IT!
Clap. Clap. Clap clap clap.
Crowd:
YOU-DE-
Nathan Cage: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
The aggressive start and the put down of a particularly disliked chant earns Cage a chorus of cheers. For the briefest of seconds, even Cage looks perplexed by it. This window passes as soon as it starts. He defaults back to his previous state of pissed off and looks towards the ramp.
Holding the belt up one more time for emphasis, Cage then lays it flat on the mat - facing towards the entranceway. Burnished gold, reflecting the lights above.
Nathan Cage: In case it ain’t clear to anyone with more than half a brain, the landscape of NLW’s been changed! If you’re still sittin’ there with your thumb up your ass, waitin’ for your turn to come, tender your resignation right goddamn now!
He paces back and forth. Adrenaline working himself into a fit, emboldened by the crowd.
Nathan Cage: I ain’t out here to brag about winnin’ a shiny piece of jewellery or winnin’ a match against the top competitors in NLW, ‘cause I said from the start I’d do all that anyway! I’m out here to say, are you feelin’ left behind by the company? GOOD! DO SOMETHIN’ ABOUT IT! Are ya strugglin’ to make ends meet with what this job's payin ya? GOOD! DO SOMETHIN’ ABOUT IT! ARE YOU WHININ' AND CRYIN' AFTER FINALLY LIMPIN' BACK TO TV, EVER SINCE YOU GOT YOUR ASS HANDED TO YA BY NATHAN CAGE!? GOOD!
He leans over the ropes, intensity flickering into a spiteful whisper. Aimed with venom at every Next Level competitor.
Nathan Cage: Do somethin’ about it.
Stepping back, Cage suddenly drops his mic and removes his shirt to another chorus of cheers from… Certain members of the audience. Likely, not for the reasons the Rabid Dog intended. After he does so, he reaches into his pocket and draws a large circle on his stomach, then another - smaller - inner circle. Unmistakably, a target.
Tommy West: Cage is making a line in the sand here tonight, Dan! Urging the entire roster to meet his level!
Dan Simmons: That’s… Certainly one way to go about it.
Cage picks the microphone back up. Giving no care to his title still laying on the mat as he looks once more towards the entranceway. Foot placed on the bottom rope while his body leans forward.
Nathan Cage: Make no bones about it, ya can claim to be after this belt, but, really, the real prize is the head of Nathan Fuckin’ CAGE! Every damn thing I’ve said I’m gonna do, has happened. ‘Cept one. I’ve claimed, ‘bove all else, that the ceiling of skill’s gonna rise in this company! I can kick ass and drop motherfuckers as long as it pleases me. What I can’t do, is fight FOR you pieces of shit! So, for everybody back there, understand that I will dig whatever potential you got left in ya. But, if ya wanna make my job easier. Pick your ass up, drag your carcass front an’ centre and lay it ALLLLL on the line if ya got the… Guts.
The Rabid Dog moves back, picking the World Heavyweight Championship off the mat and slinging it back across his shoulder.
Nathan Cage: Until such time, don’t consider me your World Champion. Consider the Championship, under hostage. ‘Cause it belongs to me, an’ for as long as it does?
Nathan Cage: So do you.
Now satisfied, for the moment, Cage drops the mic and exits the ring. Unmoved by the loud reaction of support and vitriol he’s come to be familiar with from the audience. ‘Gone Guru’ plays him out as he disappears backstage.
Dan Simmons: Well, if there’s one thing to be said for Cage, he damn sure isn’t resting easy as champion.
Tommy West: Good news for our ratings!... Probably not great news for everything else. Let's get to the debut of El Chico Promedio as he goes up against Nathan Parker!
MATCH ONE
Nathan Parker vs El Chico Promedio
El Chico Promedio is taller than Parker, and he does a dramatic pose before the Australian as a sign of good will and respect. Parker responds with a chop to the chest, and as Chico recoils, he blasts him with a headbutt that sends the luchador staggering back. Parker then just unloads on Chico with punches, kicks to the gut, and more chops until he’s backed into a corner. After a flurry of chops, Parker whips Chico into the opposite corner and charges, intending to hit a MegaHeadbutt, but Chico ducks out of the way, forcing Parker to catch himself before braining himself on the ring post. What ensues is an exchange where a furious Parker charges at Chico to pressure him, but Chico finds various ways to slip out. There’s several arm drags, there’s a back body drop in there, and then at the end, Chico ducks a clothesline attempt that spins Parker around to let Chico kick him and DDT him, at which point Parker rolls out of the ring for a breather. Chico’s not interested in letting up, though, measures Parker and backs against the ropes before flying through them, going for a Chico Dive! He hits Parker, but Parker felt it coming and leans into it, possibly concussing himself AND Chico with a car crash of a headbutt!
The ref immediately rolls out of the ring to check on both men, and when he ascertains they want to continue, he goes back inside and starts counting. Despite this, the competitors are definitely woozy and take almost the full count to get back into the ring, and once there, they aren’t on their best form. When both men are on their knees, Chico launces a sluggish punch that seems to snap Parker back, and he surges forward with another headbutt that puts Chico on his back. Parker goes for a cover but only gets two. Parker then starts pulling himself up slowly, and Chico takes long enough to get up that the ref starts counting again. At about five, Parker has heaved himself up and pushes the ref out of the way to continue fighting. He leans down to pull Chico up, but gets caught! Chico only gets two out of a small package, but Parker is even angrier when he escapes, and as Chico groggily gets up and tries to close in, Parker just catches him with a big side slam! He only gets a two count again, then a third, longer two count when he hits the Quick Trip standing moonsault.
Parker is incensed. He stomps Chico a few times as he struggles to get up, and then he helps Chico up. But as soon as Chico’s legs are under him, his arms shoot up in what critics have called “an aggressive shrug” that breaks Parker’s grip long enough for him to hit the Chico Kick! After the superkick, he can’t muster a cover, and both men are down again, Parker flat on his back, Chico nursing his head from all the headbutts he’s taken. He might be bleeding, but it’s hard to tell through the mask. He pushes himself over to cover, but it took too long and Parker kicks out. Chico pulls himself, laboriously, into a corner, shrugs at the crowd, and sets himself for a spear, but as he charges forward, Parker ducks out of the way. Chico stops himself before crashing into the post as well, but as he turns around, Parker is lifting him up for a bodyslam, but instead of just slamming him, he carries him toward the ropes. Chico starts struggling, sensing he was about to be given a lecture on how Gravity Kills, but he manages to slip behind Parker, grabs his head, and springboards off the ropes instead, planting him with a bulldog! As Parker flips weakly over onto his back, Chico senses victory, scrambling out to the apron and up top so he can fly off the top and land on Parker with a big frog splash! He sticks the landing for a three count and a successful debut!
[WINNER: El Chico Promedio via Chapoteo Promedio at 9:37]
We cut to the office of BB Gunn, Gunn is wrapping a call up and notices the camera coming into the room, so the volume lowers but just enough that we can still pick up some of what he's saying.
BB Gunn: Okay, I'll make it happen...in fact I'll make the announcement now.
He puts the phone in his pocket, ending the call abruptly.
BB Gunn: Glad you folks could join me. As you know it's been a pretty busy time around here, we've got a new heavyweight Champion...as he made perfectly clear, and we've got some new signees coming through the door who I'm looking forward to introducing in the coming weeks. However, our next event is Masquerade! A celebration as well as a big fight feel. As we know, the NLW Tag Team Titles will be defended, The Tilted Cartridges will defend against The Academy and The End, but what I can reveal to you all now is that it will be defended in a tables, ladders and chairs match!
He smirks.
BB Gunn: I hope Cheez can deal with heights! Speaking of tag matches, that phone call was from XHF top brass. Turns out they didn't like not having a definitive winner between the Crinkly Bottom Boys and the New Age Killers. So There will be a rematch at Masquerade! Not in any normal match either, no, it will be a Caddyshack Match!
Gunn pauses.
BB Gunn: Whatever that is...Anyway, at Supremacy, we saw The Thespian defeat Sexton Love and retain his Southern States Title, and at Masquerade he will defend that title again. but against who?
He pauses and feigns thought.
BB Gunn: There's a lot of arguments for a lot of guys and girls, but a lot of them are in action later. But then it hit me...
He grins.
BB Gunn: So the man he'll face is a man you'll see in action later tonight, he rises again, and again, and again...that's right, The StormCrow, Tommy Kelly will face The Thespian for the Southern States Title.
He claps his hands together.
BB Gunn: I've got a few other surprises up my sleeve, but you'll just have to sit patient for them to come out. For now? Let's get back to the action!
MATCH TWO
Willie Steen vs Cheez
It’s clear that Willie Steen’s out to live up to the show-stealing promises he’s been making since his NLW debut–and as the match begins and the trash-talking starts up? It becomes clear that Steen feels that Cheez is the perfect target for such, the Hollywood Dream’s trash-talking raining down even before the bell rings. Once it does, Cheez rockets across the ring, connecting with a dropkick that connects with Steen’s trash-talking mouth, dropping Willie to the mat as the crowd cheers! Such is the beginning of the Hollywood Dream being the target of one half of the NLW’s Tag Team Champions blistering offense, Cheez putting Steen through the Hell that he himself surely suffered when he was in high school. It’s obviously cathartic both for Cheez as well as the fans, the cheers growing louder and louder…but it all turns on a dime, jeers taking over when Steen rebounds off the ropes and connects with a springboard flying forearm that stops the Twitch streamer’s momentum in its tracks. Willie kips up and plays to the jeering crowd, though he’s not taking his eyes off of his opponent now that Cheez has proven himself to be more of a threat than he originally thought. That means treating the tag champion accordingly, the Hollywood Dream decides.
Steen puts the pedal to the metal, speeding up the pace–and while Cheez is able to make the token attempt to keep up at first, a well-time Franken-Steener catches the Twitch streamer coming off the ropes, planting him head-first in the middle of the ring. Going for the pinfall, Willie is incensed when Cheez kicks out at two, the fans cheering in relief at Steen not picking up the win. After a deep breath to compose himself, he switches tacts and rolls Cheez over into a grounded side headlock to wear down his neck. This lasts for a bit, and as soon as it looks like Cheez might counter, he lets go, floating over to the legs to start cranking a half crab to weaken the legs. Cheez is in clear pain, but starts pulling himself toward the ropes. Before he gets there, he rams Cheez’s knee into the mat. While the ref checks on the knee, Steen shouts that he can’t hold a candle to The Hollywood Dream. With Cheez helpless on the mat, Steen finds the nearest turnbuckle to climb, and with some showboating, he leaps off, aiming for a 450 Splash, but Cheez--whether on purpose or by accident--rolls out of harm’s way, leaving Steen to splat himself on the mat instead.
Steen starts pushing himself up, teeth grit in anger and grudging respect. Cheez is still slower to get up than him, so Steen goes for the kill, pulling Cheez into powerbomb position, the set-up for the Cali Clash, but Cheez sandbags, dropping back down. Steen, more upset, lifts him with more anger, but as Cheez’s feet hit the canvas again, he finds a surge of strength to heave Steen over his head with a back body drop! Steen pushes himself up quickly, respect fading in favor of anger, but he charges this time into a Sunset Flip that gets a long two-count! Cheez clutches his head, surprise at the Morph Ball Bomb not working. He gets up, trying to get his knee to feel right, but in the opening, Steen rushes in. Cheez tries to Arm Drag, but Steen does it first, whipping Cheez over, and as he’s staggering up, he wraps Cheez up for a German Suplex. He hits it, and then he hits the second one, but when he throws for the third, Cheez flips out of it! The crowd pops, surprised he managed it, and he also looks surprised, but not as surprised as Steen, who spins around, expecting to gloat at Cheez’s supine body, but instead he eats a big pile of Cheez Wiz right to the face! Cheez desperately dives onto Steen after the Shining Wizard, and gets a three count!
[WINNER: Cheez via Cheez Wiz at 7:48]
A familiar voice echoes as we fade in.
“It is a bitter taste, and the taste, it lingers.”
Fargo and Mehrunes Smith stand shoulder to shoulder in some dimly lit room.
“It has been lingering, ever present, in our mouths every single day since the eighth of January.”
Mehrunes pauses as his partner snarls.
“Every single day has been a reminder of it. Nothing will get rid of it. Nothing will wash it away. Nothing except for…”
Mehrunes stops and Fargo snaps.
“Redemption.”
Another pause. Mehrunes continues.
“We lost and nothing can correct that mistake. Nothing can soothe that wound. Nothing. So, what then?”
Mehrunes half-heartedly shrugs.
“Well, we walk into Masquerade ready to wage war to do what must be done and to correct what must be corrected. At Masquerade, The End will come.”
Both men stare at the camera, before looking to the floor as the shot fades to black.
“It is a bitter taste, and the taste, it lingers.”
Fargo and Mehrunes Smith stand shoulder to shoulder in some dimly lit room.
“It has been lingering, ever present, in our mouths every single day since the eighth of January.”
Mehrunes pauses as his partner snarls.
“Every single day has been a reminder of it. Nothing will get rid of it. Nothing will wash it away. Nothing except for…”
Mehrunes stops and Fargo snaps.
“Redemption.”
Another pause. Mehrunes continues.
“We lost and nothing can correct that mistake. Nothing can soothe that wound. Nothing. So, what then?”
Mehrunes half-heartedly shrugs.
“Well, we walk into Masquerade ready to wage war to do what must be done and to correct what must be corrected. At Masquerade, The End will come.”
Both men stare at the camera, before looking to the floor as the shot fades to black.
Next Level Wrestling Presents
MASQUERADE 2022
LIVE from the Smoothie King Center in New Orleans, Louisiana
Saturday, February 26th, 2022
MASQUERADE 2022
LIVE from the Smoothie King Center in New Orleans, Louisiana
Saturday, February 26th, 2022
MATCH THREE
Tommy Kelly vs David Goon vs Mehrunes Smith
Mehrunes Smith is the first one out to the ring. The former NLW Tag Team Champion gets a mixed reaction from the fans as they aren’t exactly sure who to cheer for in a match with three competitors that have a complicated relationship with the fans. The former Southern States Champion was next, most of the building booing him. David Goon shouts a few things at the crowd that the producers were happy weren't audible on camera. The moment Mobb Deep cut off and was replaced by Rage Against the Machine with Tommy Kelly appearing on the ramp to the same mixed reaction as Smith. All three men glance at one another, switching who their focus was every couple of seconds as the bell sounds to start the match.
David Goon smiles and takes a step back as he sees StormCrow and Mehrunes Smith going after one another. A few strikes from both men lead to an eye poke from the former NLW Heavyweight Champion. He bounces off the ropes to land a superman punch that drops Mehrunes to the mat. But before Tommy Kelly could do anything more, David Goon drills him with a low blow from behind. He leaps onto the top rope and lands a leg drop across the back of Tommy Kelly. Cover by Goon is interrupted by Smith.
Smith doesn’t let Goon get back to work on what he was doing to StormCrow, hitting a floatover armbar on Goon that sets up a possible submission finish… had Kelly not gotten up and stomped Smith to force him to release the hold. To try to avenge the earlier leg drop he received, Deathless gets on the second rope, but Mehrunes Smith leaps up to the second rope with him and drives him into the mat with a DDT from the second rope. Cover by Smith but only a two count after a kickout by Kelly.
Before Smith could do anything more to Kelly, he’s grabbed from behind by David Goon in a full nelson and dropped with a suplex, bridging it for a pin attempt. While Goon felt like he might have gotten the win there, Smith kicks out after a two count. Goon attempts to unmask Mehrunes while Deathless is back on his feet to drive him to the mat with a side slam but not without hitting his knee on the way down. Kelly turns to Smith and drops him with a headbutt. Goon is back up and eats a headbutt. Headbutt to Smith, to Goon, to Smith, to Goon. Tommy Kelly flexes inside the ring before delivering a spear to Mehrunes Smith. Goon stumbles forward right into the RedRum (crossbody hip toss into chokehold) in the center of the ring. As Goon flails for a bit, Kelly starts ragging on him for calling the match a handicap match. Right as Goon looks like he was just about to tap out, Mehrunes Smith smashes a steel chair into the skull of Tommy Kelly. As Goon rolls over to recover from the chokehold, Smith strikes Kelly a few more times before getting the cover, but Goon comes around just in time to break up the pinfall.
Mehrunes Smith picks the chair back up but David Goon is quick enough to hurry up and kick the chair into Smith’s face. As Mehrunes Smith drops to the mat, so does an exhausted David Goon. All three men are down on the mat. The first one to make any kind of movement was StormCrow, who crawls over to Mehrunes and drapes his arm over him for the cover. The entire Lakefront Arena loses their minds when Mehrunes gets his shoulder up right before three. StormCrow gets to his knees and wonders what he has to do to win this match. The former Heavyweight Champion pulls Mehrunes up by the mask and places him in the corner. He starts choking the former Tag Team Champion who we would assume would be turning blue if we could actually see his face. Smith is finally spared from the anger of Tommy Kelly when David Goon uses the chair on Kelly’s back. Kelly remains upright and simply turns around. Goon swings again but misses. The moment he has time to recover from the missed swing, Tommy Kelly knocks him off his feet with a headbutt. Tommy Kelly looks to try to end the match with Death Becomes You (Omega Driver) but David Goon wiggles free and lands in front of Kelly on his feet. Before Kelly could realize what happened, David Goon drops him with a superkick. Smith is still down in the corner. Tommy Kelly is down in the center of the ring. David Goon is on one knee and realizes this is his chance. He climbs the top rope and looks down at Kelly. He leaps for the Cielo Alto (frog splash) but… TOMMY KELLY MOVES OUT OF THE WAY AT THE LAST SECOND!!
All three men are down once more. The first one to show any signs of life is Tommy Kelly once more. Mehrunes is starting to get back up himself before a spear from Kelly prevents that from happening. David Goon starts to pull himself to his feet, using the ring ropes. As soon as the StormCrow notices this, he pulls a flask from his boot and takes a swig as David Goon turns around. The moment he does, Kelly sprays him in the eyes with the Irish Kiss (Mist) to blind the former Southern States Champion. Knowing that this should remove David Goon from the equation, he turns to face Mehrunes Smith, who was already waiting for him to turn around. Before Kelly realizes what is going on, Mehrunes has already executed the Gates of Innsmouth (shining wizard to triangle choke). Kelly is too far from the ropes for a ropebreak. He flails his arms for a few moments though the energy is clearly being sapped away from him. And what’s worse, David Goon is still blinded by the Irish Kiss and cannot do anything to stop the submission. Kelly’s arms move slower… and slower… and slower til they aren’t moving at all. The referee lifts his arms up the required three times and the arm falls all three times. He calls for the bell and in a match where he was facing two former singles champions in Next Level Wrestling, Mehrunes Smith has come out victorious.
[WINNER: Mehrunes Smith Via Gates of Innsmouth at 12:10]
The sounds of Snoop Dogg and synth chords signal the arrival of Sexton Love. No longer sporting his protective mask, the Lovely One makes his way down to the ring with a disgusted scowl and a pronounced black eye in its place, compliments of the Thespian.
A pedestal is situated in the center of the ring, with a silky satin sheet draped over the top. Sexton gestures towards the ringside announcer, demanding the microphone. However, before he can utter a single word, the arena erupts in a chorus of boos... with the exception of a scattered handful of fans wearing the brand new Have My Babbeh t-shirt.
“Let me set the record STRAIGHT, babbeh...”
Booooooooo.
“Sexton Love is UNDEFEATED on pay-per-view...
...And Sexton Love is the UNCROWNED CHAMPION...”
He soaks in the disdain of the New Orleans fans, enraged by the audacity of his claim.
“Don’t believe me? Just watch, babbeh.”
He points towards the screen, showing the end of his match with the Thespian at Supremacy. As the video plays, he provides his own running commentary.
____________
“Sexton Love avoids the running knee strike, EXTRAORDINARY ring awareness…”
Having sidestepped the champion’s finishing move, Bodzilla hooks the Thespian with an O’Connor roll... then directly transitions him up into a torture rack position.
“...Look at the STRENGTH! ...Look at the POWER! ...Look at the PECTORALS!”
Sexton spins the Thespian around into a falling neckbreaker.
“BAM! There it is, babbeh! The SEXECUTOR! The most electrifying move in professional wrestling. And the Love Sexion is going WILD…”
Canned cheers are pumped in, fooling absolutely no one.
“Bodzilla makes the cover… but where’s on God’s Flat Earth is that DAMN referee?!?”
Unlike the reaction from the fans, the on-screen visual is undeniable. Sexton has a clear pinfall over the Southern States Champion.
____________
“1... 2... 3... 4... 5... You could count to TEN, babbeh! He’s down and out! If we were in that stupid match for the Pitchfork, he’d have been ELIMINATED right there!”
Sexton begins to pace around the ring, loudly muttering to himself.
“...An elimination-style last man standing match...” He rolls his eyes.
“Way to kill the gimmick guys. Real great.” Looking at the camera, he gives a sarcastic thumbs up.
“But hey... at least it helped wake up those sweathogs after that live streamed shitpile for the tag team titles. Buried at Sea? The only thing buried in that match was the wrestling business, babbeh. What a clusterfuck...”
“...And speaking of clusterfucks... how about that main event, daddeh? The biggest show of the year, headlined by The Halloween House of Horeshit.”
He shakes his head.
“...But you know what? Even though it was a complete mess... I still gotta give a shout out to the man that emerged from the cage victorious, babbeh.
Ohhhh yeahhhh... I’m talkin’ about EL REY.”
The Lovely One pauses for a moment, giving the fans a chance to react.
“...At least HE’S a champion that understands the stupidity of wearing a MASK!”
Booooooooo.
“You got that dub, daddeh... and you got the gold. It’s just too bad that I drop deuces bigger than you on the regular. And I’m pretty sure that your idea of a sweet hookup is finger blastin’ a girl at prom.”
He continues to pace.
“...But that’s what all you millennial milkbags want out of professional wrestling, isn’t it? That’s what you want on the XHF Network...”
The crowd pops in unironic agreement. Chants of “XHF! XHF! XHF!” erupt around the arena.
“...You want EXTREME?”
Another pop.
“...You want HARDCORE?”
An even bigger one.
“SHUT THE HELL UP! You people don’t know the meaning of hardcore, ya feel me? It ain’t about steel chairs, kendo sticks, and barbed wire. Sexton Love and a couple of canal slangers in a Mexico City hotel...
THAT’S HARDCORE YOU STUPID SONS OF BITCHES!”
Boooooooooooooooooo.
“...But when Bodzilla’s is in this ring, it’s ALL BUSINESS, babbeh. I'm old school and proud of it. A man’s man and a wrestler’s wrestler. I LOOK like a wrestler should LOOK... and I FIGHT like a wrestler should FIGHT. And every real fan of professional wrestling knows that I should be A CHAMPION...”
Boooooooooooooooooo.
“As for the fans of NLW... I don’t think they understand that, darlin’. I don’t think they get it. And I don’t think NLW management gets it either... I mean, let’s look at the champions we’ve got around here...”
The Lovely One scrunches his face in disgust.
“One half of the NLW Tag Team Champions is a skinny fat virgin named Cheez. CHEEZ. A guy that’s somehow seen the inside of a gym even less than he’s seen the inside of a woman. Let’s be honest, when this cat gets into the ring... it actually looks like one of you idiotic, out of shape fans managed to jump the damn guardrail. But maybe that’s why you people like him... he’s one of you. And he’s learned most of what he knows about this business from his Nintendo Genesis!
...But hey, that’s modern wrestling for ya.”
He twirls the mic in his hands a few times.
“Then we’ve got the man still pretending to be Southern States Champion. Wrestling’s ‘greatest living artist’... THE THESPIAN...”
The utter contempt in Sexton’ voice is clear.
“Listen, daddeh… you’re not ‘deep’ and you’re not ‘complex.’ And I’m SICK AND TIRED of your disturbed theater kid act. So you might as well go beat up your own partner again and pick up a domestic violence charge... because clearly you can’t hang in a fight with a real athlete, babbeh. Or better yet, do us ALL a favour and put YOURSELF into a coma.”
He laughs.
“At Supremacy, I did what I said I would do, babbeh... and I exposed the Thespian as a fraud. A paper champion. YOU ALL SAW IT! But unfortunately most wrestling fans today are fringe weirdos who paint their nails and get thrown into lockers by guys like me... so I guess they can relate to watching the Thespian get his ass kicked by Sexton Love.”
The Man of A Thousand Hoes is showered once again with an unrelenting barrage of boos. After nearly 15 seconds, Sexton finally manages to speak.
“And finally, there’s the new NLW World Champion...”
The crowd erupts. A complete 180.
“...Nathan Cage.”
CAGE! CAGE! CAGE! CAGE!
“Ol’ Nate Dogg might seem like a real man... he might seem like a tough guy... but at the end of the day, he’s just another edgy tryhard who thinks that saying FUCK in every promo counts as charisma. That’s right... Nathan FUCKIN’ Cage. Ohhhh yeahhhh. Now there’s a champ you can be proud of. I thought Fuckin’ was my middle name, babbeh... but I guess that gimmick belongs to Nathan now, ya feel me?”
They don’t.
“Hey Nate! I’ve seen your little schtick… I’ve seen you in the ring… and if Fuckin’ is your middle name, then as far as I’m concerned you might as well change your last name to SUCKS!”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
“You pieces of Louisiana gutter trash don’t need a champion you can relate to… you need a champion you can aspire to be. That’s right! You need Sexton Love.”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
“Oh yeah? What other contenders are there? Who’s gonna right the ship here in NLW?”
He starts to count on his fingers.
"...Leon Chant? The Big Boy? This guy hits the gas harder than that stupid CAR racing federation... and he STILL ain’t stronger than Bodzilla, babbeh.
...Eli Dresden? The smart-mouthed broad? Pretty sure she’s gonna get cancer from smoking too much cock.
...And what about ‘The Dropkick Queen’ Adrien Cockring? Britain’s worst export since Prince Andrew. Is he a champion you can be proud of? I DON’T THINK SO, DADDEH!”
At this point, the crowd has been whipped into a complete frenzy… and Sexton Love savors every second of it.
“If you people don’t get it by now, you’re even dumber than you look. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times... SEX SELLS. It’s a fact of life. And the fact is that Supremacy 2022 was the biggest in history... it was all because of SEXTON LOVE! Forget about steel cages... Nathan Cages... barbed wire, bimbos, and boats. Sexton Love is the best damn thing going, because I’m the last of a dying breed... AN ALPHA MALE!
I’m best IN the business and the best FOR the business...
...AND I DESERVE TO BE A CHAMPION.”
He motions towards the pedestal in the center of the ring.
“This is an historic night... ASCENDANCY XXX... a perfect night for Sexton Love to make a little history of his own, babbeh...”
With a dramatic flourish, he removes the sheet draped over the pedestal... unveiling a brand new championship belt!
“That’s right! Get a good look! This is the new symbol of excellence... and SEXCELLENCE... in professional wrestling. The Triple-X Crown Championship!”
The belt itself has a pink leather strap, with silver and gold metallic zebra print plating. Across the center plate are the initials X X X, with a bejeweled crown positioned directly above them.
“The TRIPLE-X CROWN...a title worthy of only ONE man...”
To the surprise of no one, he picks up the belt and slings it over his shoulder.
“...The seXiest there is...
...seXiest there was...
...and seXiest there ever will be!”
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
“HISTORY HAS BEEN MADE, BABBEH! Sexton Love is the first ever Triple-X Crown Champion... officially making this title the most PRESTIGIOUS prize in the game... a prize I plan to defend this title ALLLLLL OVER the XHF Network...”
He lifts the championship high into the air.
“The uncrowned champion has taken his rightful crown, babbeh...
Because SEXXX...
...SELLS!”
MAIN EVENT - MATCH FOUR
10 PERSON BATTLE ROYAL - WINNER RECEIVES A HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE SHOT AT MASQUERADE
Eli Dresden vs Scott Hampton vs Felix vs Mr Blobby vs Chris Sanderson vs Adam Sanders vs Brad Swann vs Waylon Kirk vs The Jitterman vs Razor Blade
All ten competitors started in the ring, and nine of the ten were very much focused on one man…The Jitterman. The monstrous masked man stood in the middle of the ring, waiting to see who dared to make the first move, but perhaps he wasn’t expecting eight of his opponents to all come at him at once! The one exception was Mr Blobby, who was curious that there was somebody in the ring possibly weirder than he was. That, or the dib dabs hadn’t kicked in yet. The eight others pounded away at Jitterman, forcing him down to one knee as shot after shot rolled in, until in a rage he burst up, knocking everybody back on their asses! Jitterman gave a roar and collected the nearest body, King Brad Swann and sent him flying over the top rope, Swann managed to hang on to the top rope, but was precariously placed on the apron. Jitterman turned around and saw this, he charged at Swann, who saw him coming and put a flying kick into the side of the big man’s head. With Jitterman stunned, Razor Blade and Scott Hampton rushed behind him, and with one man on each leg, they hauled him over the top rope and out!
[Eliminated: The Jitterman]
Jitterman wasn’t down long at all, despite the hair and mask covering most of his face, we can see his eyes bulging in rage. His reaction? Brad Swann was about to vault back into the ring, but Jitterman grabbed him by the legs, taking Swann face first into the apron and then crashing to the floor. Referees flooded to where Jitterman was and stopped him from getting back into the ring, eventually herding him to the back in what can only be described as an early contender for both the bravest and idiotic thing done in NLW in 2022.
[Eliminated: Brad Swann]
With one wild card gone, a few focused on the other wild card: Mr Blobby, who still hadn’t done anything other than observe and seemingly ignore Noel Edmonds barking “advice” at him. Waylon Kirk and Scott Hampton sized the pink and yellow monstrosity up, and pinned him in the corner with a barrage of punches. Unfortunately the increase in adrenaline must have combined with the sherbert, and Bobby headbutted Kirk and then Hampton, the latter dropping to the mat. Blobby stepped towards Kirk, who was stumbling from the headbutt, and he placed both puffy hands on his throat, and he choke tossed Kirk out the ring like a rag doll!
[Eliminated: Waylon Kirk]
Elsewhere there was a little “team warfare”, with Sanders and Son working a in conjunction on Eli Dresden and were attempting to force her over the top in the corner, Eli however was using all the tricks to wrap herself around the ropes as well as the tag partners to cause a stalemate. And finally Felix and Razor Blade we trading shots in another corner. Felix begun to fight out of the brawl, using tiger palm strikes to push Razor back, he switched into side kicks, and then went for a spin kick, but Razor caught the leg, he spun Felix 360 and levelled him with a lariat. Felix hit the mat but Blade didn’t want him to gain any rest, dragging him up by his arm and hoisted him up on his shoulders, Razor GTS? No, Felix elbowed himself free and dropped behind The Best In the World, Razor turned into a dropkick that pushed him to the ropes, Felix sprung up and hit a Shotei that sent Blaze over the ropes and out!
[Eliminated: Razor Blade]
Scott Hampton knew that perhaps Blobby was best left alone, so he went to where Sanders and Sanderson were working on Dresden and tried to dump Adam out, but Adam blocked it, and elbowed Hampton, these two started to fight away from the corner and the consequence was that Eli Dresden was able to fight off Sanderson. She got herself back to a vertical base and put a stiff kick on Sanderson’s lower leg that dropped him to one knee, she hopped onto the second turnbuckle and hit a knee drop to the head, which took him down. Typical Dresden, she was straight back up and smirked as she watched Felix dispatch Razor Blade, and the smirk widened because Felix hadn’t turned around yet…and she didn’t want to give him the chance. She sprinted across the ring and scooped him out of the ring before he could enjoy his own elimination!
[Eliminated: Felix]
Dresden turned around and was bulldozed by a Blobby clothesline. In fact, Blobby’s buzz was growing, and he was knocking anything that moved. He knocked Sanders down with a headbutt, he hit the Blobby #3 (shake rattle and roll) on Hampton, and then squashed Sanderson with a Thez press. All of this was great offense, but there was no attempt to send any of his opponents out of the ring. Noel is on the apron and trying to tell him this, problem is Noel’s way of explaining things often comes over as condescending abuse…and this was no exception. Blobby waddles over to his tag partner and Noel continues the “advice”, sealing it a few strong pokes to the pink and yellow chest of the Blobster. Blobby doesn’t appreciate this one bit, and headbutts him off the apron. Scott Hampton had got back up and tried to use the distraction to his advantage. He put an axe handle in the back of Blobby, who turned slowly, and Hampton backed up immediately, realising that may have been an error. Hampton turned to escape but was met by Sanderson, who hit an exploder suplex! Hampton stumbled back to his feet but was blindsided by a Lightning Strike superkick from Sanders which sent him over the top and out!
[Eliminated: Scott Hampton]
And then there were four. Dresden, Sanderson, Blobby, Sanders. The biggest danger was clear, it was very pink and yellow, and was not on a dib dab come down yet…which raised the risk. The other three seemingly called a truce, and started surrounding Blobby and started to wear him down with kicks, moving as they did, trying to disorientate the XHF Tag Champion. Blobby tried fighting back, but all three kept enough space, agility and ring smarts to avoid any wild shot he offered. Dresden went to the ropes and went for a cross body, but Blobby caught her, and hit a fall away slam! Sanders and Sanderson glanced at each other, three was now two…Blobby turned his attention to the former XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion first, and tried to take his head off with a lariat, Sanderson ducked, ran to the ropes and came flying back at Blobby, hitting From Nowhere [handspring rebound Ace Crusher]. Blobby bounced back up, his back was leaning on the ropes. Sadnerson nodded at Sanders and both of them charged at Blobby, the clotheslined him over the top and the dark horse was out!
[Eliminated: Mr Blobby]
The tag team give each other a fist bump, and Sanders then drew his attention to Dresden, but Sanderson grabbed him by the back of the head and tried to haul him out! Sanders held onto the top rope and landed on the apron, Sanders gave a look of “dude, really?” and Sanderson gave a cheeky shrug, however he was not paying attention to Eli Dresden, who was back up and catches Sanderson with the OMFN [slingblade]. Sanders got himself back in the ring and as Dresden got back up he booted her in the gut and looked for the Nerd Out [elevated powerbomb], but with the intention of powerbombing her out of the ring, Dresden knew the danger and hit him on the top of the head with a couple shots, and reversed into a head scissors using the ropes to guider herself onto the apron, but in doing so it dragged Sanders over and to the floor!
[Eliminated: Adam Sanders]
Dresden carefully got up on the apron and immediately focused on Sanderson, who was just getting up from the OMFN shot. She sized him up and went for a springboard elbow, but Sanderson rolled out of danger, Dresden landed on her feet and ran straight to the ropes, Sanderson went for a clothesline, ducked, Dresden came back again and hit a jumping swinging DDT! Eli kipped up and was feeling it, she wanted the shot as badly as anybody else, she dragged Sanderson up and threw him over the rope, but Sanderson kept himself alive, Dresden charged over but was met with a shoulder to the midsection. Sanderson grabbed Dresden, looking to suplex her out of the ring, he got her up, but she grabbed the top rope so he had to set her down on the apron.
Both were in a dangerous position, and as soon as Dresden’s feet hit the apron she put a knee into Sanderson to break the hold, she put another kick onto his knee, to drop him to one leg, she sizes up a big, final kick to the head, but Sanderson grabs her foot before she makes contact. He tried to wipe her out, sending her for a backflip, but Dresden somehow lands on her feet despite the small space to work in! But Sanderson doesn’t stop to admire, and goes low with a sweep kick, it connects and Dresden goes down and out! Sanderson is going to Masquerade!
[WINNER: Chris Sanderson having eliminated Eli Dresden at 12:11]
Sanderson gets back into the ring, “Middle Child” plays and the fans go crazy for the popular second generation star.
Dan Simmons: Chris Sanderson wanted to be taken seriously, he wanted to drive himself on after losing the Junior Heavyweight Title, and now he’s going to face Nathan Cage in two weeks at Masquerade!
Sanderson has his arm raised by a referee.
Tommy West: I’ll be honest, I didn’t see this one coming, but Sanderson dug deep against some smart players, and- wait a minute!
Tommy is cut off because Nathan Cage has arrived in the ring and blindsided Sanderson, cutting the music and earning boos from the crowd. Sanderson holds the back of his head and Cage stands tall over him, a smirk all over his face. Slowly, deliberately, he raises the NLW Heavyweight Title high in the air.
Dan Simmons: Well folks, that’s the sort of message Cage likes to send, I’m afraid to say that our champion lacks class, but how long will he be champion for? Sanderson proved today he’s a match for anybody, and in two weeks at Masquerade, Cage won’t be able to catch him out like that!
Tommy West: And how will our other champions get on? We can’t wait to find out in two weeks, but until then, we’ve gotta’ go, goodnight everybody!
The final shot is of cage sneering and arguing with the fans, title still high above his head.