..::THE XHF NETWORK PRESENTS: SUPREMACY 2022 [LIVE]::..
Jan 30, 2022 19:50:39 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 10 more like this
Post by Dylan on Jan 30, 2022 19:50:39 GMT -5
THE XHF NETWORK PRESENTS:
JANUARY 30TH, 2022
LIVE FROM THE DOWNTOWN LONG BEACH CONVENTION CENTER IN LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA
(Capacity: 13,500 | Attendance : 1000)
BANG! FOOSH! ZOOM! Cameras fly and lights swing around the Long Beach Convention Center as we pan around, showing a thousand hardcore screaming, stamping, hootin' and hollerin' fans! We swing by the announce booth with Hawke beaming and Randy drinking!
Hawke: Welcome folks to the first of the Big Four of the year! Hawke and Randy are on-duty ready to call all the hot-hot action tonight!
Randy: And what's a night of action without a round of drinks! ON MONGO, EVERYBODY!
Hawke: Oh he won't like that. He will however like all the matches tonight. Titles will be defended, scores will be settled, games of Scrabble will be played? And we will take things TO THE XTREME!
Randy: Let's cut to the Xtreme-Tron for our first match, the Buried at Sea match for the Tag Team Championships!
LIVE FROM THE DOWNTOWN LONG BEACH CONVENTION CENTER IN LONG BEACH, CALIFORNIA
(Capacity: 13,500 | Attendance : 1000)
BANG! FOOSH! ZOOM! Cameras fly and lights swing around the Long Beach Convention Center as we pan around, showing a thousand hardcore screaming, stamping, hootin' and hollerin' fans! We swing by the announce booth with Hawke beaming and Randy drinking!
Hawke: Welcome folks to the first of the Big Four of the year! Hawke and Randy are on-duty ready to call all the hot-hot action tonight!
Randy: And what's a night of action without a round of drinks! ON MONGO, EVERYBODY!
Hawke: Oh he won't like that. He will however like all the matches tonight. Titles will be defended, scores will be settled, games of Scrabble will be played? And we will take things TO THE XTREME!
Randy: Let's cut to the Xtreme-Tron for our first match, the Buried at Sea match for the Tag Team Championships!
ON THE XTREME-TRON:
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Bonnie Jenkins: And is a Buried at Sea Match for the XHF Tag Team Championships! Introducing the challengers, at a combined weight of THREE-HUNDRED-AND-NINETY-SEVEN-POUNDS, THEY ARE THE J-ROK POWER BALLAD CHAMPIONS! JAMES RAYMOND! JASON LONG! THE NEW! AGE! KILLLLLLLLLLERRRRRRRRRRRS!
Hawke: The New Age Killers looking to add more tag team gold to their resume!
Randy: Jason Long has had a sniff of these before when he and Nathan Santiago won them from The Nihilists in 2019! Nearly three years later and he wants another taste of the gold!
Hawke: To get that, they'll have to beat one of the most dominant tag teams we've seen in recent XHF memory!
Randy: They can do that with ease! Toss 'em over the edge of the boat! They don't respect the champs anyways and they think it'll be easy pickings for them!
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents, at a combined weight of... POUNDS AND THEN SOME, THEY ARE THE REIGNING, DEFENDING XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS. NOEL EDMONDS! MR. BLOBBY! THE CRINKLY! BOTTOM! BOOOOOOOOYSSSSSSSSSS!
Randy: These guys are a hit with the crowd! Everyone loves the CBB!
Hawke: Not the New Age Killers though.
Randy: To hell with them! Soon enough, they won't be any tag team champs as Off The Wagon is coming for those Power Ballad straps!
Hawke: Let's focus on the match and try to remain unbiased Randy.
DING DING DING…
These men seem to be sizing each other up in the opening minutes and there’s a lot of circling around the ring. The New Age Killers attack at the bell and a few blows are exchanged between the two teams!
The NAK get the better of The Crinkly Bottom Boys with Jason clobbering Noel with an Overhead Kick! Meanwhile James rattles Blobby with a Bicycle kick, knocking both the champions off their feet. Jason follows with a Scissor Kick to Noel and the two pounds on Blobby.
Hawke: Challengers are in control. Making sure the champs can't get back up.
Blobby tries to take off by fighting back with some some jabs to both Jason & James however he is caught with a Superkick [Jason] and Bicycle Knee Strike [Raymond] combination!
Randy: What a combo! *furiously scribbling notes*
Long instructs James to remain focused on Blobby as Jason tries to send Noel outside the boat.
Noel begins to hang off the side of the railing, but Blobby begins to break through Raymond's offense with a jawbreaker.
Jason tries to interfere, so Blobby cuts him off with a kick to the gut! Jason falls dropping him on his face with a Face-First Suplex!
Blobby sees that both of his opponents are down...SO HE PULLS OUT A SHERBET DIB-DAB!!! Blobby snorts the sherbert dib-dab and begins to fire up hopping around in place!!! Blobby hits German Suplexes on Jason! Raymond tries to come to the aid of his partner after clubbing Blobby in the back...and then Blobby Suplexes James onto the hardened wood deck!!!
Hawke: Did you hear the wood crack upon impact? That boat looks well and all but she could easily sink after a few more drops like that!
Randy: Hope Mongo has insurance!
Hawke: This isn't his boat... is it?
Randy: Don't know, don't care, though I hope it is!
More suplexes by Bobby this time the force of the suplex ends up causing Jason to land roughly on his shoulder bumping into the steel railing!
Vertical suplex toss by Blobby on Cena and another one for Rollins, all the tossing around by Blobby has enabled Noel to stumble back up to his feet...
...Blobby grabs Noel and cannonballs onto them, before he hits a German Suplex on Noel too! Just for the fun of it!
Hawke: Blobby's so hyped up on sherbet he's hitting anything that moves!
Randy: Noel would be better off to stop moving so Blobby stops attacking him!
Blobby applied the Figure Four on James. Long broke that up with a Diving Foot Stomp attack off the top of the Boat!!!!
Jason & James stomp away on Blobby before picking him up and unloading a series of kicks and chops while he leans against the railing of the boat. Blobby tries to block so they kick him, try a double whip and try to send him off the boat. Blobby fights out of it by reversing it with a double short arm clothesline.
Things break down between the two teams which allows Noel into the ring and he begins dishing out big knees.
His control is to be short-lived, as The New Age Killers come back once The Killers unload a series of strikes on Noel!
Randy: Old Man Style goes down!
Hawke: Noel should dig up Bernhardt Denzinger from MCCW to teach him a few tricks!
Raymond manages to to lift up his opponent in the Fireman's Carry position...and drops him back down onto his feet...AS JASON COMES CHARGING IN WITH A V-TRIGGER-STYLED KNEE STRIKE!!! MERK'D!!! Noel is down!!
Long goes on to punish Noel further by bashing him in the side of the head with a Shining Wizard and then crushing him with a Curb Stomp before James goes for ‘The Silencer.’ (-- Standing North to South Choke) before they both try to dump him overboard! But Blobby makes the save pulling his partner to safety!
This act of heroism earns the beloved Blobby a Snap German Suplex taking him crash neck first into the hardwood below them!
Hawke: Another crack in the ship. I don't know if she'll hold for much longer.
Randy: She's about to (joe) bloooooooow!
They nail the Sundown Syndrome. - (Inverted Wheelbarrow Position from Raymond followed by a Diving Double Foot Stomp from Jason) on Blobby...but then Noel comes rushing in like a made man unloading on both Long and James with relentless strikes of rages! James at first seems completely unbothered by the strikes of Noel, seeing them more as an annoyance rather than damaging...so Noel SLAPS HIM RIGHT ACROSS THE FACE!
With his pride being completely disrespected James then trades slaps with Noel before taking control with another knee...
...Only for Noel to respond by gouging at the eyes of James, causing the challenger to scream out in agony!!!
Randy: What an innovative move! *scribbling more notes*
Hawke: Work smarter not harder, I always say!
Jason tries to take action by pulling Noel off of his partner only for Edmonds to go crazy on Long by trapping him in Your Natural Electro-Magnetic Field (The Iron Claw)!! Long has nowhere to go but to choke helplessly against the deck of the boat! Edmonds tries to drag him across the deck so he can roll him to the edge of the boat and dump him in the water...but even still Jason Long shows resilience and resists!
James finally has enough of this assault and hits a knee that breaks things up with the submission move from Noel.
Randy: Noel almost had it there!
Hawke: A few more seconds and Jason would have been out of here!
The resulting chaos allows Mr. Blobby to join in and briefly take over the action as he slams James from behind with a Reverse DDT...before Jason sneaks in behind him and hits a King’s Guillotine (Swinging Back Elbow to the face/back of the head) to turn the tide back towards the challengers!
Blobby tries to fight back as he gives his opponent a hard elbow before attempting to whip him off the boat…however Long; leaps onto the rails as a counter and applies Hydrochloride (Modified Dragon Sleeper) using the top railing of the boat as leverage!
While this is going on Noel is recovering on the outer railing and he manages to make it back to the apron just in time for him to prevent Long from dragging his opponent out of the boat!
Hawke: Close call there! Blobby has been the meat of the CBB team, the glue holding it together and if he got chucked we'd be seeing new Tag Team Champions!
Randy: I'd say the sherbet is more the glue to be honest.
He comes in hot with a Superkick to Long knocking him to the outer railing of the boat but the wear of the match slows him down thus allowing Jason to roll himself back into the boat. Still though he manages to get the Your Natural Electro-Magnetic Field (The Iron Claw) on Jason.
Sadly the injury is too bad and he is forced to break the hold and James takes advantage and begins to manipulate the joints of Noel, twisting down his fingers and stomping down on Noel's finger.
As Noel grovels in pain...James glares down at the champion...rather annoyed by him. He call for the ‘Outer Haven.’ (-- Single Arm Underhook Brainbuster)...picking up Noel and hooking both his ars...BUT EDMONDS DRIVES HIM INTO THE WINDSHIELD OF THE BOAT!!!!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Randy: LOOK AT THE CRACK IN THAT THING!
He tosses James deck of the boat….BUT HERE COMES VEGA WITH A Sunset Overdrive (Running Blockbuster). ONTO EDMOND! Jason just drove the back of Edmonds head into the hardwood hatch of the boat!!!!
Now that they've established control once again, Long and Raymond grabs both their opponents and hit Stereo German suplexes on them!
Hawke: Challengers in control. Looking rough for the champs.
The punishment didn't stop there as Raymond went up the Hardtop for a Double Foot Stomp, a beaten and weak Blobby followed, but Jason pulled him off and hit a Vanguard Driver (Deadlift Piledriver).
Raymond went up top but Esmond cut him off by pulling his leg down causing him to fall off the Hardtop and crash into the cockpit!
Randy: James Raymond crashed and burned!
Hawke: Gonna feel that throughout the trident match in a bit!
Jason tries to come to the aid of his partner, joining Noel up Top! However Blobby comes up as well and both him and Noel work the numbers game on Jason stomping on top of him. Edmonds just sort of hooks the arms of Jason Long, Blobby perforates the gunge packet in his mouth and spits it Muta style in his face!!! The Gunge Machine!!! Jason has a face full of grunge!
Noel the Big Pork Pie (Honma's Kokeshi Headbutt from the top rope) from the Hardtop Noel wanted another so he climbed the Hardtop once again....ONLY TO GET CAUGHT IN THE HEAD WITH A VANITY KILLER (PUNT KICK) KNOCKING HIM BACK DOWN THE COCKPIT!
Blobby takes Jason out but Long blasts him with a back elbow knocking him down off the Hardtop! Jason tries to take out Blobby with a Diving Foot Stomp but misses...he rolls through to catch himself...but runs into a boot from Blobby, Blobby flies in for a Blobby #2 (Destino) but eats Deus Ex Machina (Electric Chair Emerald Flowsion)…ONTO THE RAILING!!!
Randy: DID YOU HEAR THE CLANG UPON IMPACT?! JESUS CHRIST (bailey)!
Hawke: Watch out, I think NAK are setting up for something big!
Long gestures Raymond over and they lift Blobby up together for a double release suplex but then Noel jumps off the top ropes and HITS EVERYBODY WITH A DIVING CROSS BODY! ALL FOUR WRESTLERS FALL INTO THE WATER TOGETHER! THE BELL RINGS AND THE REF STANDS AROUND IN CONFUSION!
Hawke: We have a winner! But who?
Randy: Joey, it looked like everyone hit the water at the same time!
Hawke: Oh crap. Can we see a replay?
We get a few replays of the match ending, but no matter how the camera cuts it, it still looks like everyone hit the water at the same time. A few officials use radios to communicate with the ref on stand by, who then give word to Bonnie.
Randy: I think we've got a result.
Bonnie Jenkins: Due to both teams all hitting the water at the same time, the referee has declared this match A DRAW! Therefore, THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS RETAIN THE XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS!
Randy: That feels like a cheap out.
Hawke: I don't think this'll be the last time we see these boys duke it out in the ring!
The Xtreme-Tron stays looking at the spot where everyone went under water. No one has come back to the surface yet. It's been a few minutes. We just turn back to the in-house ring for our next match.
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Bonnie Jenkins: And is a Buried at Sea Match for the XHF Tag Team Championships! Introducing the challengers, at a combined weight of THREE-HUNDRED-AND-NINETY-SEVEN-POUNDS, THEY ARE THE J-ROK POWER BALLAD CHAMPIONS! JAMES RAYMOND! JASON LONG! THE NEW! AGE! KILLLLLLLLLLERRRRRRRRRRRS!
Hawke: The New Age Killers looking to add more tag team gold to their resume!
Randy: Jason Long has had a sniff of these before when he and Nathan Santiago won them from The Nihilists in 2019! Nearly three years later and he wants another taste of the gold!
Hawke: To get that, they'll have to beat one of the most dominant tag teams we've seen in recent XHF memory!
Randy: They can do that with ease! Toss 'em over the edge of the boat! They don't respect the champs anyways and they think it'll be easy pickings for them!
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents, at a combined weight of... POUNDS AND THEN SOME, THEY ARE THE REIGNING, DEFENDING XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS. NOEL EDMONDS! MR. BLOBBY! THE CRINKLY! BOTTOM! BOOOOOOOOYSSSSSSSSSS!
Randy: These guys are a hit with the crowd! Everyone loves the CBB!
Hawke: Not the New Age Killers though.
Randy: To hell with them! Soon enough, they won't be any tag team champs as Off The Wagon is coming for those Power Ballad straps!
Hawke: Let's focus on the match and try to remain unbiased Randy.
XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
The Crinkly Bottom Boys (Edmonds/Blobby) (c) vs The New Age Killers (Long/Raymond)
DING DING DING…
These men seem to be sizing each other up in the opening minutes and there’s a lot of circling around the ring. The New Age Killers attack at the bell and a few blows are exchanged between the two teams!
The NAK get the better of The Crinkly Bottom Boys with Jason clobbering Noel with an Overhead Kick! Meanwhile James rattles Blobby with a Bicycle kick, knocking both the champions off their feet. Jason follows with a Scissor Kick to Noel and the two pounds on Blobby.
Hawke: Challengers are in control. Making sure the champs can't get back up.
Blobby tries to take off by fighting back with some some jabs to both Jason & James however he is caught with a Superkick [Jason] and Bicycle Knee Strike [Raymond] combination!
Randy: What a combo! *furiously scribbling notes*
Long instructs James to remain focused on Blobby as Jason tries to send Noel outside the boat.
Noel begins to hang off the side of the railing, but Blobby begins to break through Raymond's offense with a jawbreaker.
Jason tries to interfere, so Blobby cuts him off with a kick to the gut! Jason falls dropping him on his face with a Face-First Suplex!
Blobby sees that both of his opponents are down...SO HE PULLS OUT A SHERBET DIB-DAB!!! Blobby snorts the sherbert dib-dab and begins to fire up hopping around in place!!! Blobby hits German Suplexes on Jason! Raymond tries to come to the aid of his partner after clubbing Blobby in the back...and then Blobby Suplexes James onto the hardened wood deck!!!
Hawke: Did you hear the wood crack upon impact? That boat looks well and all but she could easily sink after a few more drops like that!
Randy: Hope Mongo has insurance!
Hawke: This isn't his boat... is it?
Randy: Don't know, don't care, though I hope it is!
More suplexes by Bobby this time the force of the suplex ends up causing Jason to land roughly on his shoulder bumping into the steel railing!
Vertical suplex toss by Blobby on Cena and another one for Rollins, all the tossing around by Blobby has enabled Noel to stumble back up to his feet...
...Blobby grabs Noel and cannonballs onto them, before he hits a German Suplex on Noel too! Just for the fun of it!
Hawke: Blobby's so hyped up on sherbet he's hitting anything that moves!
Randy: Noel would be better off to stop moving so Blobby stops attacking him!
Blobby applied the Figure Four on James. Long broke that up with a Diving Foot Stomp attack off the top of the Boat!!!!
Jason & James stomp away on Blobby before picking him up and unloading a series of kicks and chops while he leans against the railing of the boat. Blobby tries to block so they kick him, try a double whip and try to send him off the boat. Blobby fights out of it by reversing it with a double short arm clothesline.
Things break down between the two teams which allows Noel into the ring and he begins dishing out big knees.
His control is to be short-lived, as The New Age Killers come back once The Killers unload a series of strikes on Noel!
Randy: Old Man Style goes down!
Hawke: Noel should dig up Bernhardt Denzinger from MCCW to teach him a few tricks!
Raymond manages to to lift up his opponent in the Fireman's Carry position...and drops him back down onto his feet...AS JASON COMES CHARGING IN WITH A V-TRIGGER-STYLED KNEE STRIKE!!! MERK'D!!! Noel is down!!
Long goes on to punish Noel further by bashing him in the side of the head with a Shining Wizard and then crushing him with a Curb Stomp before James goes for ‘The Silencer.’ (-- Standing North to South Choke) before they both try to dump him overboard! But Blobby makes the save pulling his partner to safety!
This act of heroism earns the beloved Blobby a Snap German Suplex taking him crash neck first into the hardwood below them!
Hawke: Another crack in the ship. I don't know if she'll hold for much longer.
Randy: She's about to (joe) bloooooooow!
They nail the Sundown Syndrome. - (Inverted Wheelbarrow Position from Raymond followed by a Diving Double Foot Stomp from Jason) on Blobby...but then Noel comes rushing in like a made man unloading on both Long and James with relentless strikes of rages! James at first seems completely unbothered by the strikes of Noel, seeing them more as an annoyance rather than damaging...so Noel SLAPS HIM RIGHT ACROSS THE FACE!
With his pride being completely disrespected James then trades slaps with Noel before taking control with another knee...
...Only for Noel to respond by gouging at the eyes of James, causing the challenger to scream out in agony!!!
Randy: What an innovative move! *scribbling more notes*
Hawke: Work smarter not harder, I always say!
Jason tries to take action by pulling Noel off of his partner only for Edmonds to go crazy on Long by trapping him in Your Natural Electro-Magnetic Field (The Iron Claw)!! Long has nowhere to go but to choke helplessly against the deck of the boat! Edmonds tries to drag him across the deck so he can roll him to the edge of the boat and dump him in the water...but even still Jason Long shows resilience and resists!
James finally has enough of this assault and hits a knee that breaks things up with the submission move from Noel.
Randy: Noel almost had it there!
Hawke: A few more seconds and Jason would have been out of here!
The resulting chaos allows Mr. Blobby to join in and briefly take over the action as he slams James from behind with a Reverse DDT...before Jason sneaks in behind him and hits a King’s Guillotine (Swinging Back Elbow to the face/back of the head) to turn the tide back towards the challengers!
Blobby tries to fight back as he gives his opponent a hard elbow before attempting to whip him off the boat…however Long; leaps onto the rails as a counter and applies Hydrochloride (Modified Dragon Sleeper) using the top railing of the boat as leverage!
While this is going on Noel is recovering on the outer railing and he manages to make it back to the apron just in time for him to prevent Long from dragging his opponent out of the boat!
Hawke: Close call there! Blobby has been the meat of the CBB team, the glue holding it together and if he got chucked we'd be seeing new Tag Team Champions!
Randy: I'd say the sherbet is more the glue to be honest.
He comes in hot with a Superkick to Long knocking him to the outer railing of the boat but the wear of the match slows him down thus allowing Jason to roll himself back into the boat. Still though he manages to get the Your Natural Electro-Magnetic Field (The Iron Claw) on Jason.
Sadly the injury is too bad and he is forced to break the hold and James takes advantage and begins to manipulate the joints of Noel, twisting down his fingers and stomping down on Noel's finger.
As Noel grovels in pain...James glares down at the champion...rather annoyed by him. He call for the ‘Outer Haven.’ (-- Single Arm Underhook Brainbuster)...picking up Noel and hooking both his ars...BUT EDMONDS DRIVES HIM INTO THE WINDSHIELD OF THE BOAT!!!!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Randy: LOOK AT THE CRACK IN THAT THING!
He tosses James deck of the boat….BUT HERE COMES VEGA WITH A Sunset Overdrive (Running Blockbuster). ONTO EDMOND! Jason just drove the back of Edmonds head into the hardwood hatch of the boat!!!!
Now that they've established control once again, Long and Raymond grabs both their opponents and hit Stereo German suplexes on them!
Hawke: Challengers in control. Looking rough for the champs.
The punishment didn't stop there as Raymond went up the Hardtop for a Double Foot Stomp, a beaten and weak Blobby followed, but Jason pulled him off and hit a Vanguard Driver (Deadlift Piledriver).
Raymond went up top but Esmond cut him off by pulling his leg down causing him to fall off the Hardtop and crash into the cockpit!
Randy: James Raymond crashed and burned!
Hawke: Gonna feel that throughout the trident match in a bit!
Jason tries to come to the aid of his partner, joining Noel up Top! However Blobby comes up as well and both him and Noel work the numbers game on Jason stomping on top of him. Edmonds just sort of hooks the arms of Jason Long, Blobby perforates the gunge packet in his mouth and spits it Muta style in his face!!! The Gunge Machine!!! Jason has a face full of grunge!
Noel the Big Pork Pie (Honma's Kokeshi Headbutt from the top rope) from the Hardtop Noel wanted another so he climbed the Hardtop once again....ONLY TO GET CAUGHT IN THE HEAD WITH A VANITY KILLER (PUNT KICK) KNOCKING HIM BACK DOWN THE COCKPIT!
Blobby takes Jason out but Long blasts him with a back elbow knocking him down off the Hardtop! Jason tries to take out Blobby with a Diving Foot Stomp but misses...he rolls through to catch himself...but runs into a boot from Blobby, Blobby flies in for a Blobby #2 (Destino) but eats Deus Ex Machina (Electric Chair Emerald Flowsion)…ONTO THE RAILING!!!
Randy: DID YOU HEAR THE CLANG UPON IMPACT?! JESUS CHRIST (bailey)!
Hawke: Watch out, I think NAK are setting up for something big!
Long gestures Raymond over and they lift Blobby up together for a double release suplex but then Noel jumps off the top ropes and HITS EVERYBODY WITH A DIVING CROSS BODY! ALL FOUR WRESTLERS FALL INTO THE WATER TOGETHER! THE BELL RINGS AND THE REF STANDS AROUND IN CONFUSION!
Hawke: We have a winner! But who?
Randy: Joey, it looked like everyone hit the water at the same time!
Hawke: Oh crap. Can we see a replay?
We get a few replays of the match ending, but no matter how the camera cuts it, it still looks like everyone hit the water at the same time. A few officials use radios to communicate with the ref on stand by, who then give word to Bonnie.
Randy: I think we've got a result.
Bonnie Jenkins: Due to both teams all hitting the water at the same time, the referee has declared this match A DRAW! Therefore, THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS RETAIN THE XHF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS!
Randy: That feels like a cheap out.
Hawke: I don't think this'll be the last time we see these boys duke it out in the ring!
The Xtreme-Tron stays looking at the spot where everyone went under water. No one has come back to the surface yet. It's been a few minutes. We just turn back to the in-house ring for our next match.
Hawke: Now this ought to be an interesting match up! An exhibition match between one wrestler from FIRESIDE and the other from NLW, MYOJIN versus Scott Fargo! Not only that, but in a match with UWF Rules- Something that undoubtedly fits both individual's styles.
Randy: So, uh, two questions if you don't mind me asking. One: When did this match even get set up? What even is UWF rules?
Hawke: I don't book the matches, I only commentate, Randy. As for UWF rules? It's pretty simple! This type of match can only be won by knockout or submission, flying from the top rope or springboarding is prohibited so is a lot of what we'd consider normal moves in wrestling. This is going to be a technical bout at its finest between two wrestlers who pride themselves in their shoot style skills.
Randy: ….So this is basically just MMA?
Hawke: Well…-
Randy: Because it sounds just like MMA.
Hawke: ...Anyways!
Are you ready?
The lights dim down while the catchy, fast paced rock of RAINBOWS by A9 echoes as a spotlight suddenly appears on a figure on the ramp, with their back turned and begins kneeling. Once the beat finally kicks in, MYOJIN explodes with energy- though wearing much different gear than usual. Instead of their tights, they wear two-tone gold and silver Muay Thai shorts with matching kickpads. Not only that, but wearing pearlescent glitter paint stripes on each cheek.
Hawke: And here is the Shining Star themself, MYOJIN! Seemingly dressed for the occasion but not without style. The former XHF Junior Heavyweight and X*Crown Champion is coming off of an unfortunate loss against BANG Hermanos at the first FIRESIDE PPV of this year, Good Riddance. With a win at Supremacy like they accomplished in 2021 to retain their Junior title back then, they could start building momentum again.
Randy: Surviving Night of Champions is no easy feat, especially against my brother- but MYOJIN has kinda been in a slump ever since their success, and even a win in an exhibition match at Supremacy would do wonders to get back on the right track.
MYOJIN walks down the ramp, smiling at the many fans cheering for them and even giving out multiple high fives as they begin running down the ring, before vaulting up to the apron and slingshotting themself inside! The Shining Star moves toward their corner, charismatic smile fading as they watch the entrance path- waiting for their opponent.
Scott Fargo slowly steps out of the darkness and into the light. He then takes his time to look from side to side, scanning the darkness. After a few more seconds, Fargo begins a slow, confident walk toward the ring, ignoring any fan trying to grab his attention. Fargo then makes his way up the stairs and across the apron, the spotlight following him every step of the way. He stops and turns his head in the direction of the hard camera and removes his sunglasses as the lights in the building all turn themselves back on. After a few moments of Fargo giving a death stare to the camera, he steps into the ring and immediately makes his way to the corner. Fargo then removes his coat and crouches himself down in the corner waiting for the bell to ring.
Hawke: Scott Fargo is a man that many XHF fans have not seen for a long time until his return to the Network in 2021, specifically in Next Level Wrestling. A former Phoenix Champion before his hiatus, but then returned to become one-half of NLW's inaugural Tag Team Champions.
Randy: He and MYOJIN are in a similar boat, experiencing heavy losses early in January. The difference is, Fargo seems waaaaay less happy about it. The guy seems dangerous and I can't imagine what he'll do in a match type like this.
UWFI Match
MYOJIN vs Scott Fargo
The bell rings. Fargo and MYOJIN begin circling around the ring, eyes locked on one another. They stop and approach each other, looking to lock-up in the center of the ring. Fargo immediately drops low and shoots straight for MYOJIN’s forward leg. MYOJIN is just a step too quick for Fargo to catch and slips out of his way, instead MYOJIN gets behind Fargo and locks his arms around Fargo’s waist. After a moment of struggling, Fargo pushes MYOJINs arms off, and pivots behind his opponent and locks his arms around MYOJINs waist. MYOJIN, thinking quickly, does the same and ends up behind Fargo once again. This time, MYOJIN uses his legs to trip Fargo forward, sending both competitors crashing to the mat, Fargo taking the impact face first. The fans groan in awe as MYOJIN begins hunting for some kind of chokehold. But, shortly after, MYOJIN’s confident demeanor twists into one of panic, and eventually, pain.
Hawke: Already the two are showing their respective abilities when it comes to mat work, given that this match has a 15 minute time limit- they need to work fast. MYOJIN going for a choke early on-.
Randy: Fargo shuts that down FAST!
From beneath his opponent, Fargo has managed to grab hold of MYOJIN’s wrist and is beginning to twist it in unnatural ways. Fargo begins trying to pull MYOJIN over, but The Shining Star rolls through! MYOJIN begins to lock Fargo in an arm triangle, but Fargo gets up to his feet and begins to lift MYOJIN with the trapped arm! Fargo drops to his knees, violently dropping MYOJIN head first on the canvas! The fans boo out of concern as MYOJIN rolls around clutching a hand to the back of his neck. Fargo approaches, shoo-ing the referee as he does. He drags MYOJIN to the middle of the ring by a leg. Fargo then turns MYOJIN over and puts a foot behind MYOJIN’s knee before lifting his opponent's leg into the air and stomping it back to the mat.
Hawke: And now the size difference comes into play. Fargo is bigger, he is stronger than MYOJIN. It won't take that much effort to try and overpower him in situations like this.
Randy: That and he's a lot more unforgiving, showing no mercy while trying to pick apart MYOJIN's knee. I don't see the point in all this boring grappling, though. Just punch each other in the face already!
Hawke: Closed fists are prohibited in this kinda match, Randy.
Randy: And since when has that stopped anyone??
Fargo approaches and drops into MYOJIN’s guard, and begins fishing for the leg he had previously targeted. A kneebar attempt is thwarted by the speed of MYOJIN who slips out of the hold and responds by once more tripping Fargo down onto the canvas. MYOJIN mounts and begins hooking the arm. Fargo blocks the armbar attempt by clasping his hands together. MYOJIN tries to kick Fargo’s hands free but in doing so leaves enough an opportunity for Fargo to roll his way out of the hold and end up back on top of his opponent. Fargo uses a hand to push MYOJIN’s head into the canvas, almost like he is trying to squash it! The Shining Star’s hands scratching and clawing at Fargo’s arm.
Randy: See, THAT's what I'm talking about. When a guy tries to put you in an armbar, you do anything you can to stop him. And I think that's what's going to make the big difference in this match.
Fargo relinquishes his hold and stands up, he walks across the ring, looking all around the building with a smile on his face. The referee attends to MYOJIN. Fargo barks across the ring for the referee to “Get ‘em up!”. Fargo and MYOJIN circle the ring, Fargo looking a slight bit fresher, and both go to lock up. This time, however, MYOJIN drops low and takes Fargo down with a drop toe hold, and immediately locks Fargo up in an STF! Fargo immediately is overcome with panic and begins frantically crawling his way to the ropes. MYOJIN breaks the hold and the referee stands them up. They approach each other, Fargo looking a bit frustrated by the last exchange, gets taken off guard by MYOJIN grabbing his arm, and flipping Fargo onto his back with a judo throw.
Hawke: Fargo might be much stronger and a lot more blunt with his offense, but that doesn't stop MYOJIN's swiftness one bit! If Fargo hadn't been quick enough, that STF could've been the end already.
Randy: Alright, I can admit it. That throw was pretty cool looking. Pretty sure I remember Daniel LaRusso doing something like that.
Hawke: That's… Karate Kid, Randy. A movie about karate.
MYOJIN quickly goes looking for a cross armbar while holding onto Fargo's arm from the throw! They drop down, bringing their legs to trap Fargo's arm- who quickly goes to hook both of his hands to stop it from happening! The two struggle for a few moments before MYOJIN tries to roll Fargo over, aiming for a seated Fujiwara- but Fargo begins to use his strength to lift the Shining Star- who quickly lets go and falls on their back, raising their feet to guard any attempts for Fargo to move in as they quickly scoot backward..
Hawke: Again, we see that difference in power!
Randy: MYOJIN is not gonna be able to keep this guy down. They need to work fast and bring him down if they want a chance.
Fargo backs off, shaking his head. MYOJIN gets to their feet. Both men approach each other, MYOJIN raises his arms to lock up as Fargo sends a hard side kick that connects to the ribcage of MYOJIN, who stumbles forward while clutching their side. Fargo turns MYOJIN around who responds with a kick of their own that lands across Fargo’s chest and drops him onto the mat. MYOJIN lifts Fargo into a seated position and sends another hard kick across their opponent’s chest. MYOJIN reaches down at Fargo’s head, Fargo fires a kick back that lands to MYOJIN’s knee.
Randy: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! KICK EACH OTHER SENSELESS FOR OUR ENJOYMENT!
MYOJIN momentarily wobbles and Fargo follows up by tripping The Shining Star face first onto the mat! Fargo wastes no time wrapping his opponent’s leg around his own, and falling backward onto the canvas. Fargo transitions, looking to sink in the Heel Hook! MYOJIN struggles, trying to kick Fargo off, Fargo transitions and snaps into a kneebar!
Hawke: A textbook kneebar on the same leg Fargo has been focused on!
Randy: Booooooo!!! Go back to the kicking part!
Once Fargo sinks the kneebar in, MYOJIN thrashes about- pulling back to try and escape for yelling out in pain, trying to sit up and alleviate the pressure. Soon enough, they roll through, causing Fargo to roll with them onto his stomach and lose his grasp on their leg AND THEY MAKE IT TO THE ROPES, AN ARM DRAPES OVER THE BOTTOM ONE TELLING THE REF TO GET FARGO OFF OF THEM!
Hawke: Rope break! Let go, Fargo!
Randy: He's got til five, I think. It's a five count, right?
The referee forces Fargo to finally let go- BUT HE PULLS ON THE SHINING STAR'S HURT LEG, BRINGING THEM BACK INTO THE CENTER OF THE RING TO GO FOR THAT KNEE BAR- NO, INVERTED IMINARI ROLL BY MYOJIN FROM THE GROUND THAT SENDS FARGO FACE FIRST TO THE MAT, SPINNING AND COILING AROUND TO THE BACK OF HIS LEG! MYOJIN quickly picks his ankle and twists it in a way it shouldn't bend with a textbook ankle lock! Fargo begins yelling and desperately looking for the ropes while MYOJIN tries to keep him steady for the leg grapevine! Fargo almost makes it to the ropes- but MYOJIN lets go of his ankle and grabs one of his arms for a Fujiwara! Fargo has a counter for this with a straight closed fist hook to the side of his head with his free hand and MYOJIN lets go, cradling their head while the referee admonishes Fargo as he simply smiles, rubbing his aching bicep.
Hawke: A CLOSED FIST! A sneaky tactic by Fargo!
Randy: When all else fails, you punch the other guy in the face. That simple.
As MYOJIN begins to get up, Fargo sends a shoot kick to their chest! They yell out, holding their abdomen as they fall back to one knee, Fargo then disrespectfully pushes his foot against their head lazily! The crowd boos as he does it again, shoving MYOJIN- who starts glaring as they look up back at him, he does it again as MYOJIN begins rising back to their feet- glaring with simmering anger! Fargo then motions for them to bring it- MYOJIN LANDS A SHOOT KICK TO HIS STOMACH THAT ECHOES ACROSS THE ENTIRE ARENA! Fargo is almost so stunned, he barely reacts besides getting sent back against the ropes so hard that he rebounds!/ MYOJIN throws another harsh, roundhouse kick to Fargo's chest that drops him to a knee- They step back, looking to aim for a BUZZSAW- No! Fargo catches their leg and TWISTS WITH A DRAGON SCREW ON THE ALREADY HURT LEG! MYOJIN crumbles to the mat, gritting their teeth in great pain while clutching their calf as they quickly try to roll away from Fargo.
Hawke: MYOJIN is not doing well here, that leg is hurt!
Randy: That Dragon Screw might've done them in, setting Fargo up to work on that leg some more!
Fargo stalks MYOJIN, looking for another kneebar but is met with a kick to his hurt arm with their good leg! He grimaces with a grunt and stumbles back, holding his bicep as the Shining Star gets to their feet- Fargo goes for a jab, but MYOJIN sidesteps and CRASHES THEIR HEEL DOWN ON Fargo's arm with an AXE KICK! Fargo yells, but they already grab his arm in a top wristlock and spin with a CORKSCREW ARM TAKEDOWN, SHOULDER FIRST INTO THE MAT!
Hawke: But now they're returning the favor!
Randy: Did they dislocate his shoulder with that takedown?! Sick! In both the "cool" way and "that's disgusting" way!
Fargo quickly starts thrashing about, trying to get an escape as MYOJIN struggles to apply a double wristlock to his arm- they begin pushing his arm behind his back- AQUILA! A MODIFIED VERSION OF THE AQUILA ARMLOCK BY MYOJIN, COMBINING A TOP WRISTLOCK WITH THEIR SIGNATURE KIMURA- BUT FARGO REFUSES TO TAP EVEN AS THE REFEREE ASKS HIM! MYOJIN HAS A FIERY LOOK IN THEIR EYES AS THEY START BENDING HIS ARM FURTHER BACK, TWISTING WHILE PUSHING HIS ELBOW TO JOINT TO BEND OUTWARD- FARGO IS SCREAMING, BUT SOMEHOW BEGINS MAKING IT TO HIS FEET- BUT MYOJIN WON'T LET GO, HOOKING A BODYSCISSORS AROUND HIM WITH AQUILA STILL LOCKED IN- FARGO TRIES TO REACH OUT FOR THE ROPES, BUT HE THEN LUNGES FORWARD, SLAMMING MYOJIN INTO THE MAT HARSHLY- MYOJIN SEEMS ALMOST OUT OF IT, THE REFEREE GOES DOWN TO CHECK ON THE SHINING STAR TO SEE IF THEY'RE STILL CONSCIOUS!
Hawke: A MODIFIED POWERBOMB! MYOJIN MIGHT BE OUT COLD!
Randy: It looks like they're not completely dead for the most part!
As both competitors lay, the announcer calls for a 5 minute warning.
Hawke: Oh, ten minutes have already passed?!
Randy: Time to start wrappin' it up!
Both eventually shamble to their feet. Fargo shoots in for the double leg, MYOJIN tries to sprawl but can't move quick enough to avoid it! Fargo gets The Shining Star down and begins to smother MYOJIN. Fargo begins trapping MYOJIN's arm, setting up a head-arm choke but MYOJIN fights out of it before it can be fully sunk in. Both competitors transition through various positions, with MYOJIN sweeping Fargo and ending up in top position. MYOJIN hooks the head for a guillotine! The Shining Star scissors their legs around Fargo's waist.
A one minute warning.
Hawke: We only have one minute left!
Randy: If one of them is gonna win this, they better make their next move quick!
MYOJIN squeezes and pulls back hard. Fargo using the last of his strength pushes himself to his feet! With a forearm over MYOJIN's face, Fargo jumps forward! Driving MYOJIN hard into the mat, breaking the hold! Fargo rolls to his side, MYOJIN to theirs, crowd on their feet!
A thirty second warning.
Hawke: Come on…! Time is almost out!
Both competitors are sluggish getting to their feet. A stiff forearm from MYOJIN wobbles Fargo. Fargo fires back in kind with an overhand shot! MYOJIN fires back with a hard kick to Fargo's chest! A mist of sweat hangs in the air from the impact! Fargo fires back with a heavy combination, left and right palm strikes right down the middle. A kick from Fargo is avoided by MYOJIN ducking under it and comes back with a shot of their own. Fargo stumbles backward before moving forward with his guard up. MYOJIN lands a body blow. Fargo swipes but misses. Another body shot by MYOJIN. Fargo swipes high and hits.
The back and forth display devolves into both competitors slugging wildly at each other!
DING! DING! DING!
The bell rings! The match is over!
Hawke: Are you kidding?!
Randy: So it's a draw?!
Hawke: But wait, they aren't finished!
But, they continue swinging on one another. The referee tries to break them apart but a wild shot from Fargo ends up knocking him down! Fargo and MYOJIN make their way towards the corner, clinched but still swinging. MYOJIN landing body blows as Fargo tries for violent, cutting elbow strikes.
The referee calls in the reinforcements. A string of referees, security and backstage staff make their way down to the ring. Amongst the deafening "LET THEM FIGHT!" chants they manage to wrestle control of Fargo and pull him out of the ring.
Randy: Oh come on, don't break them up! This is the kinda fight I wanna see!
Hawke: It seems like the two of them weren't finished with each other yet. What a match, you have to really give credit to them bo-
Randy: JOEY, LOOK!
MYOJIN gets up, rubbing a quickly forming bruise on their cheekbone while glaring at Fargo who's at ringside, being held back by security. MYOJIN then looks toward the corner of the ring and runs toward it- they vault over the top rope and land on the top turnbuckle with their back facing away-! MOONSAULT PLANCHA HIGH INTO THE AIR THAT LANDS ON FARGO AND THE REST OF THE SECURITY, SENDING THEM ALL DOWN! THE CROWD ABSOLUTELY ERUPTS!
Hawke: OH MY GOD! TRIANGLE MOONSAULT!
Randy: THEY WENT FLYING!
More referees, security, and staff emerge from the entrance way to grab MYOJIN and pull them away, who is giving a devious smirk to an absolutely livid Fargo, who's also being pulled away! Both are being escorted up the ramp- yelling, kicking, and screaming at each other!
Hawke: What an… interesting turn of events. A simple match for Supremacy turning into a brawl…
Randy:I Im gonna go out on a limb and say those two don't like each other- and I'll go out on another and say this probably isn't over. If I know one thing about wrestling, it's that NO ONE likes a draw...
Hawke: Let's go to commercial while they clean up from this war.
The Network’s favorite grandmotherly CAR announcer sits between two hubcap pillars and smiles.
Grandma Mary: Welcome XHF Fans to our first CAR spotlight, Between Two Hubcaps. I’m here with a member of the CAR Crew known as Punch buggy no punch back!! I can BEAR-ly believe it but I’m sitting with Britney!
She nods towards the woman dressed in a brown bear footie pajamas with the bear head hood up. The camera zooms in on Grandma for a moment before cutting to Britney.
Britney: Thank you for asking me to join you here today.
The camera cuts to grandma nodding.
Grandma Mary: How do CAR races make you feel?
The camera cuts back to the two of them.
Britney: Super. Yep. This is the best I’ve felt in years.
Back to just the old lady.
Grandma Mary: I’m so happy to hear it! It has been just wonderful to get to work with my family as part of the Network family. How do you feel being a part of CAR and getting to work with your family?
Back to the shot of both women.
Britney: It’s an honor to be in CAR. I love CAR and getting to work with you on everything. I am very excited to be sitting here.
The CAR logo Briefly overtakes the screen before returning to the two women.
Grandma Mary: Great! Now Britney, the world wants to know. Why are you and your cousin dressed as bears if the CAR car is a tiger?
Britney A great question that goes back to my child-hood and is a family tradition that continues in CAR.
A close up of CAR’s favorite grandmother smiling.
Grandma Mary: It’s wonderful that you can continue to keep traditions like dressing as your favorite animal alive. But does it fuel your skills? What fuels your CAR?
A close up of Britney this time as she looks dead at the camera and lets loose a roar that will make you pause. The camera slowly pans out as she continues to let her inner CAR spirit out. Fireworks whistle in the background and explode outside a nearby window.
See what really happened in the extended cut of how this was made at: BEARing It All For CAR
Learn more about CAR: Learn About CAR
We fade back into the ring and see six people in the ring. Bonnie is between them all and a ref stands beside her holding up Hyperion's Trident.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is a LAST MAN STANDING MATCH, AND IT IS FOR HYPERION'S TRIDENT! The only way to be eliminated from this match is to be knocked down and stay down for a count of ten! Introducing first, from Paris Island, South Carolina! He is "The Sharpshooter" JOHNNY SNIPER!
Hawke: Sniper has been on a tour de force lately, going anywhere that'll have him and kicking butt and taking names!
Randy: He's settled in J-RoK now, with eyes on anyone who will take him on! He can't handle Off the Wagon though!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing next, from the terrifying Unknown, he is "The Terror From The Deep" MEHRUNES SMITH!
Randy: Former NLW Tag Team Champion looking to make a statement here to the XHF, to NLW, and specifically to Eli Dresden tonight!
Hawke: He looks fired up after some intern spelled his name wrong on the card. That intern is being booked in a post-show dark match against Mehrunes and it'll be hilarious to watch that.
Bonnie Jenkins: Next, also from the Unknown, he is the former wielder of the Trident of Hyperion, "The God of Light" HYPERION!
Hawke: Hype's been on a roll in SCCW lately, kicking ass and taking names.
Randy: A surefire pick to be a future contender to their world title!
Bonnie Jenkins: Next, from St. Louis, Missouri, he is "Jeffy-G" JEFF GILLIAM!
Randy: SCCW's own! Gracing us tonight!
Hawke: Former International Champion looking to add to his resume!
Bonnie Jenkins: Next up, from MTC's Garage in CAR, she is THE INDUSTRIAL WOMAN!
Hawke: Former SWAT mainstay now residing in CAR! They are on the team for Mother, The Car, one of the most dominant racing teams in history!
Randy: Only because Lord Dominicus hasn't been there long enough to change the game!
Bonnie Jenkins: Lastly, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She is THE HOLDER OF HYPERION'S TRIDENT, ELI DRESDEN!
Randy: Look at that trident! I should have signed up for this!
Hawke: She's super confident she'll retain the trident this year but aside from Hyperion, the lineup is very different!
Bonnie Jenkins: James Raymond was also supposed to be in this contest, but since he failed to appear after his Tag Team Championship match earlier tonight we have no choice but to eliminate him off the bat! And with that, let the match begin!
HYPERION'S TRIDENT UP FOR GRABS
Last Man Standing Match
Eli Dresden(c) vs Muhrunes Smith vs Jeff Gilliam vs James Raymond vs Industrial Woman vs Hyperion vs Johnny Sniper
[DING DING! DING DING!]
The bell rings and Johnny Sniper immediately charges Jeffy-G and levels him with a KILLSHOT Superkick! Eli and Mehrunes begin to throw down on one side of the ring while Industrial Woman and Sniper tee off on the giant Hyperion. The ref begins to count out Gilliam, who's knocked so silly by that superkick he doesn't even respond to the 10 count! He's out!
Bonnie Jenkins: JEFF GILLIAM HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Hawke: Bad luck for SCCW fans, fan fave Jeffy-G really didn't know what hit him!
Randy: There's always next year Jeff!
Hawke: God I hope not.
Eli and Mehrunes spill to the outside, the superstorm taking it to the terror with her over-the-top style! She drops him with a dropkick and walks over to her trident, using it to pole vault up and over him for a thrust kick to the back of his head! Hyperion sees this and grabs the trident from her mid air and smacks it into Industrial Woman, before using the blunt end and driving it into Sniper's gut then cracking it down upon Sniper's back! Hype steps on both I-W and Sniper and flexes for the crowd, holding the trident high in the air! He steps down and throws the Trident into the announce table, barely missing Randy's feet as he squeals in fear! Hype turns around to a double kick in the gut, and a double snap DDT from Sniper and I-W! Sniper kips up, and turns and blasts Industrial Woman with a forearm! He holds his arm going down, because I-W is a robot and not made of flesh and bone. He grabs her and Irish whips her into the corner, following through with a big monkey flip sending her up and over into Hyperion, who she clobbers with a flying crossbody! No! He catches her and lawn darts her right into Sniper! Sniper and I-W fall to the ground and there's a sudden whirring and clanking as everything metal starts to gravitate towards the ring! Including Industrial Woman, who can't pull herself upright!
Randy: What's going on? Why is everything gravitating towards the ring?
Hawke: It's like there's a giant magnet under there!
Randy: ...no I think that's exactly what it is!
Johnny just shrugs apologetically and pulls out a small remote, with the on button pushed.
Sniper: Sorry, I hoped to save this until we were the final two.
Hawke: Sniper put the magnet under the ring! What the hell?!
The ref counts to 10 and I-W is out!
Bonnie Jenkins: INDUSTRIAL WOMAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Sniper: Oh, thank you Gwen!
Randy: Well that was cheap. Not a fair way to get a competitor out.
Hawke: It was stupid. Now he has to deal with Hyperion all by himself!
He switches the remote to off and smirks. Then turns around and gets blasted with a giant boot by Hyperion. He grins mercilessly and follows Sniper to the outside of the ring. Meanwhile Mehrunes and Eli are bouncing each other off the announce desk! Eli stops herself from eating Hawke's lunch and blasts Mehrunes with an elbow to the ribcage. She follows with a chop, wooing for a powerup and then kicks him in the thigh! Mehrunes catches the kick! He grabs her by the throat and lifts her up and plants her THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! ALCOHOL AND FOOD GOES EVERYWHERE!
Hawke: GOOD GRIEF!
Randy: BRO COME ON! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THE SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE NOT OURS!
Mehrunes laughs before getting bodied by Sniper, who lifted him for a fireman's carry then YEET'd him at Mehrunes. Eli took the trident from him last year and he'll be damned if anyone eliminates her. She laughs at him, begging him to do his worst. And he LEVELS her with a- nope, she ducked underneath him. Dropkicks him in the back of the legs. He goes down to his knees and OMFN! Sling blades him onto the ground! Mehrunes comes over and picks up Eli in an electric chair and drops her backwards and Sniper catches her with a neckbreaker! These two understand just who the biggest threats are and begin a lethal assault to take out the two former trident holders. Mehrunes picks up Hype in a powerbomb position and Sniper assists in spiking him down! Shield Bomb! Hype goes splat on the concrete and they high five. They pick up Eli and roll her into the ring, sliding in after for more tag-team action.
Hawke: Smart strategy by Smith and Sniper, take out the hosses and they will be able to crown a new trident holder.
Randy: Crazy how two tag-team specialists with no history flow so well together.
Eli just smiles confidently, yet painfully up at the duo.
Dresden: Is that all you boys got?
Mehrunes tilts his head like Michael Myers.
Mehrunes: Lift her up.
Sniper lifts her up to her feet and Mehrunes starts his Violence party combo on her. Chop, punch, chop, punch, headbutt, headbutt, TRIPLE FIRST PRINCIPLE BY HYPERION!
Hyperion: NO! SHE IS MINE TO ELIMINATE!
Hype absolutely bodies Smith with a big boot, then spins around for a headbutt to Sniper. He stands over Eli, almost protectively, and she smiles up at him.
Dresden: Thanks, big guy.
And Hyperion's gaze snaps to her, like a shark in bloody water.
Dresden: ...shit.
Hyperion grabs her by the throat and lifts her a foot off the ground, one handed, so she's eye-to-eye with him.
Hyperion: Any last words, pretty face?
Dresden, cocky as ever, spits in his face. Verbally, not literally.
Dresden: You may have... the trident... but you will never... be... a god.
The rage shows in Hyperion's face and he lifts her two more feet above him in the air and SLAMS HER DOWN WITH THE HIGH ONE! AN UBER POWERFUL CHOKESLAM THAT ROCKS THE RING! HE STANDS OVER HER, PANTING, AS THE FIGHT FADES FROM HER EYES AND THE REF COUNTS HER OUT!
Bonnie Jenkins: ELI DRESDEN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Hawke: We will have a new trident holder when this match is done!
Randy: It may be Hype, it may be Mehrunes, or it may be Sniper. One of those three will have a fun new trident to keep after this!
Sniper and Mehrunes are pushing themselves to their feet, spitting barbs at each other.
Mehrunes: You imbecile! You watched him charge us and did nothing!
Sniper: Sorry, my instructions were to "lift her up" not "watch out for a dumptruck that might plow us over!"
The two begin to trade blows in the ring, lefts and rights flying high! Hype just sits back and watches. Smirking. It's rest time for him. Sniper backs Mehrunes into a corner, chopping him with some machine gun chops. Mehrunes counters and spins them around so he can unleash his violence party! Chops and punches, a few elbows to the head, a devastating headbutt! Mehrunes lifts Sniper to the top rope and follows him up, lifting him up on his shoulders before DROPPING HIM OFF THE TOP ROPE TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR WITH THE CALL OF THE DEEP! COTD! MEHRUNES SITS ON THE GROUND, PANTING, AS JOHNNY SNIPER GETS COUNTED OUT FROM THE MATCH!
Bonnie Jenkins: JOHNNY SNIPER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Randy: And it's down to two!
Hawke: Hyperion and Mehrunes Smith. One of these men will walk out with the Trident of Hyperion. JUST WHO, is the question we all are on the edge of out seats for.
Mehrunes turns and stares up at Hype, who is clapping mockingly at him for his troubles. Mehrunes rolls in and gets face-to-chest with the God of Light. Hyperion laughs at him.
Hyperion: What're you made of, Tentacle'd one?
And they begin to brawl all over the ring. The small Mehrunes putting up a surprisingly decent fight on the powerful Hyperion. Hype would get a few power moves in, a big tree-trunk axe handle across the back and a thrust kick for funsies, but Mehrunes would be all over the AWF Hall of Famer. Hype eats it up, begging for more. Mehrunes is trying his damnedest but you can see him sweating hard. He's getting uncretain. Can he beat Hype? It's in this uncertain confusion that HYPE CLAPS HIM OVER THE EARS! MEHRUNES IS STUNNED! HYPERION RUNS THE ROPES! RUNS PAST MEHRUNES ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES! BUILDING UP SPEED! FIIIIIIIIIRST PRIIIINCIPLE! MEHRUNES IS TURNED INSIDE OUT AS HYPE STANDS OVER HIM, POSING AS THE REF COUNTS TO 10! THAT'S IT! HE'S OUT!
Bonnie Jenkins: MEHRUNES SMITH HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! ERGO, THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH AND NEW HOLDER OF HYPERION'S TRIDENT, HYYYYYYYYYYYPERION!
Randy: HYPERION DID IT! HE GOT HIS TRIDENT BACK!
Hawke: He fought like a bat out of hell but secured that trident for the House of Hyperion!
Hype rolls out of the ring and pulls the trident out of the announce table and raises it in victory!
Hawke: Folks, we're about to hand the reigns over to our favorite commentator after ourselves, the winner of the XHF Up and Clean Award, give it up for Aleister Mayfield!
Randy: Woo! Time for an SCCW Match!
We fade to the SCCW arena.
We come back to the commentary booth.
Randy: What a match!
Hawke: Didn't see the match going that way but it did! Congrats to the SCCW International Champion!
Hawke: For the first time in nearly 13 years we are going to see the brothers Kane go to war. Spike Kane against Brad Kane, two former Rumble winners, both men won the old XHF World Championship.
Randy: I think the bigger story here is Spike will be turning his little brother into a fine meat paste in about five minutes or so.
The lights dim down as everyone expects “What You Know” by T.I. to start playing to signify the arrival of Brad Kane. Instead, seeing as how this is a big show, he’s spared little expense tonight. Instead the opening strings of “Till It’s Gone” by Yelawolf begins to play. The former XHF Champion comes from the back with a hooded sweatshirt on, hood up, as it sports himself and Spike from one of their tag team runs.
Brad stands in the entry way as he exhales and begins to walk in the ring. He slaps a few hands along his way to the ring.
“Ain't much I can do but I do what I can
But I'm not a fool, there's no need to pretend
Just because you got yourself in some shit
It doesn't mean I have to come deal with it”
As he reaches ringside, Brad pulls the hood down and looks around again as most of the arena is shouting words of encouragement in the upcoming war between brothers. BK ignores the cries for Reckless Jack, shaking his head as a few are more than happy to tell him that Spike will always be superior to him. Brad gets in the ring and takes off the sweatshirt and hands it off to ringside and begins to stretch and focus his way to the entrance.
Randy: Hard to believe these guys used to be dead. Some wish they still are. Most, probably.
Hawke: Hell’s loss is our gain, by far.
The lights go out as the beginning of "Bow Down" by I Prevail plays through the PA system, as a circle of flames erupts on the stage. Through the flames, slowly emerges Spike Kane as he fully emerges, the song kicks in.
"GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW DOWN!!!"
Spike steps through the flames and heads to the ring, taking off his jacket as he prepares for a fight.
Hawke: The former X*Crown Champion himself, Spike Kane. I’m sure he’d much rather be defending the title he held until about a month ago tonight.
Randy: Who wouldn’t? Spike has been a killer since he shot out hell like a bat! Instead he’s here slumming it up against his inferior brother.
The two brothers take a moment to soak all of it in. Nearly 15 years ago it was revealed they were siblings in an XHF ring. Neither of them move for another moment as the bell finally sounds and things are underway in their first ever normal match against one another. Brad, a bit smaller than Spike, makes the first move looking for a double leg takedown but the Xtreme brother blocks it and throws Brad down.
Brad gets back to his feet and rethinks as Spike grins.
Spike: Gonna take more than that, you inferior bitch.
Instead of saying anything back, Brad fires off a hard kick to Spike’s ribs and follows it with another. Brad bounces off the ropes and knocks Spike to the ring apron with a dropkick to the chest. With a small amount of momentum built up, Brad runs and elbows Spike off the apron, sending him to the floor.
Brad: How’s that feel? You gonna go grab a chair and bring it in because you never actually cared how to wrestle?
That gets an audible reaction from the crowd as Spike gets back into the ring with great speed. The two brothers finally get face to face and shit talk one another, the blood beginning to boil in both of them. Spike just outright bitch slaps Brad, sending him to the mat.
Spike: Wow, just one shot? No wonder your ex-wife fucked so many other dudes.
Now Brad snaps back up to his feet and pie faces Spike. That turns everything into a giant punching war as the crowd gets to their feet for the hard shots the two brothers are laying into one another. There is very little holding back as Brad’s eyebrow gets busted open and Spike’s jaw starts to turn blue.
Hawke: These two aren’t holding a damn thing back right now!
Randy: I wonder if I got a chance with Brad’s ex-wife. I heard if you got skin, you’re in.
Brad gets pushed back into the corner as Spike keeps laying in hard punches all over his brother’s face and body. The official attempts to break it up but Spike tosses them aside to keep on going after Brad. Brad fights his way free with elbows to Spike’s stomach before hitting a jumping knee to the face. Spike takes a few steps back as Brad shoots for another takedown, wanting to show that his way in the ring is superior.
Spike is able to scramble out of it again and just punt Brad right in the nose! Blood begins to pour out as Spike smirks, the referee taking a moment to check on Brad’s condition.
Spike: Awww the wrestler guy got his nose broken?
Brad forces his way back up as his nose is obviously broken as he just straight up headbutts Spike in the chest. Spike doesn’t take too kindly to that and kicks Brad right in the stomach before kneeing him right in the face again! Brad staggers into a corner as Spike runs in with a clothesline, sending Brad to the mat.
Randy: Put away the fine china, the boys are roughhousing again!
Hawke: They don’t seem to be really pulling anything tonight. The impact is deafening.
Spike gets a sadistic grin, big shock right, on his face as he begins to scrape his boot across his brother’s face. A few people in the crowd begin to chant OLE as Spike runs off the ropes and just gives Brad a massive face wash, blood starting to pour out of Brad’s nose again. The former X*Crown Champion pulls his brother out of the corner and lifts him up and hits a suplex. No cover as Spike does it a second time, Brad yelling in pain from the impact.
Spike: Sure glad you accepted this challenge to end this between us. The only thing you’re showing them is how right I am, lil’ bitch.
A few insulting slaps to Brad’s face followed as Spike began to chuckle. He grabs his brother by the hair and throws him into the ropes and knocks him back down with a kick to the face. Brad falls on his ass as Spike comes off the ropes and hits a basement clothesline, getting up and taking a bow after.
Hawke: Spike has started to gain control of this contest.
Randy: He is the superior brother so why should anyone be surprised?
Brad is beginning to stir as Spike pulls his brother up and elbows him a couple of times right in the jaw. A whip into the rope follows, Spike shaking the ring with a massive spinebuster. He still doesn’t cover and instead takes a moment to soak it all in.
Spike: Okay, wrestler, let’s see how you like this.
Spike grabs one of Brad’s legs and puts him into a half-crab. Brad yells in pain as Spike keeps laughing. Slowly, inch by inch, Brad begins to make his way to the ropes before grabbing the bottom. The official begins their count.
One…
Two…
Three…
Four…
Fi…
Spike breaks the hold at the last possible second and grins.
Spike: I have until five, ref. Do your goddamn job.
The former X*Crown Champion stomps on Brad’s leg now, knowing that his brother can kick with the best of them. Brad gets in the ropes again to get a break from his brother’s onslaught, Spike still laughing at him.
Spike: Can’t fight back so you grab the ropes? Are you sure you’re better than me?
Brad gets to his feet on the apron as Spike elbows him again. The ref tells them to get it all back in the ring, momentarily distracting Spike. This gives Brad a chance to throw a kick with his good leg, stunning his brother. Spike goes towards him again but eats another one! Brad takes the chance to springboard back into the ring with a dropkick, sending his brother into a corner.
Randy: Oh, wow, Brad still has some fight left in him.
Hawke: He always battled back so why would it be different now. Spike is poking and prodding him tonight, so I’m sure he wants to make him eat those words.
With Spike in the corner, Brad runs in and knees Spike in the face. Spike staggers forward as Brad takes a mighty swing, looking for the BK Backfist, but Spike ducks out of the way and kicks Brad in the stomach and tries for the Thunderstruck (stunner) but gets pushed off. Spike turns back into a big bicycle knee which Brad follows with an exploder suplex.
Now with Spike down, Brad takes a moment to pull him up and hits a couple of european uppercuts before throwing his brother into the ropes. Brad makes the mistake of lowering his head as Spike kicks him in the shoulder. Spike attempts the Thunderstruck again but once more is pushed away. Brad dropkicks the leg out and follows up with The Killshot (stiff head kick)! He falls on Spike.
One!
Two!!
Nope, not yet. Brad doesn’t waste a moment though and tries to put Spike into a triangle choke but gets blocked from locking it in. Instead, Brad now elbows Spike in the face a few times, trying to knock him out.
Brad: Talk shit, get hit.
Brad pulls Spike up and chops the chest, Spike going into the corner now as Brad follows with another chop. Spike gets pissed and fires back with one his own. Brad hits him with a chop, Spike follows with one of his own. Oh shit. CHOP WAR!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
The crowd gets on their feet as the two brothers are laying into one another with hard chops, their chests beginning to turn red. Brad fakes a chop to the chest as Spike braces for it, Brad instead chopping his brother’s face! Spike pushes him back as the two get back in each other’s faces.
Hawke: Jesus, Randy, look at their chests!
Randy: I don’t look at a chest unless they’re sporting double D’s.
The two brothers engage in an all out punching war as Spike is able to score a stellar double leg takedown and starts to wail away with elbow after elbow. Brad tries to get his hands and arms up to block as Spike keeps reigning down the fury. Brad’s able to catch one and tries to turn it into an armbar, but Spike is able to hit another elbow which releases Brad’s grasp. Spike pulls his brother up and kicks him in the stomach and finally hits the Thunderstruck!
This time Spike doesn’t waste a single moment and goes for a cover, hooking a leg.
One!
Two!!
Thr!!!
Nah, Brad gets a shoulder off of the mat. Spike pounds the canvas in frustration. He picks his brother up and throws him into the ropes, possibly looking for Blood God’s Wrath (pop-up powerbomb). As he throws Brad up, Brad is able to catch him with a dropkick coming down!
Randy: Okay, that was a good counter.
Hawke: The two brothers know one another so well even after it being so long away from each other in the ring.
Brad kips up to his feet and lets out a loud war scream. He pulls Spike up and gets him on his shoulders and throws him off, hitting the Mad World (Fireman’s Carry thrown into a Roundhouse Kick)! However, Spike falls out of the ring as Brad falls to his knees in frustration. The ref begins to count Spike out, but…
Brad: Stop the fuckin’ count. No one wants that bullshit.
The crowd pops as the ref shrugs and stops. Brad waits for Spike to get up as he flies out of the ring looking for a tope BUT SPIKE IS ABLE TO CATCH HIM WITH THE BLOODY SUNDAY (Black Mass)! Brad’s body hits the floor with a thud as Spike falls back in the rail.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Spike slowly grabs Brad and rolls him back into the ring and covers him close to the ropes.
One!
SPIKE PUTS HIS FEET ON THE ROPES!
Two!!
Thre!!!
…
BRAD KICKS OUT! Spike can’t believe it as he gets up to his feet and stomps away on his brother.
Spike: STAY DEAD YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER BE BETTER THAN ME. SHOW ME THE RESPECT I’VE RIGHTFULLY EARNED!
Spike uses his foot to draw Brad back up and looks for a second Bloody Sunday but Brad has enough left to duck out of the way. Spike eats a BK Backfist but doesn’t go down as Brad catches him flush in the temple with a second to knock him down, Brad falling along with him.
Hawke: This is getting more and more heated, Randy, the longer they’re going.
Randy: Spike has a point. Brad’s never shown him the respect he’s earned.
Hawke: I think it’s a two way street as Spike’s never shown Brad any either.
With the crowd on their feet the two brothers begin to slowly get back to their feet thanks to the ropes. They glare at one another as Spike kicks Brad in the chest, Brad firing back with one of his own. Once more they’re going back and forth at a rapid rate!
SPIKE!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
SPIKE!
Brad goes into the ropes and comes back as Spike is able to catch him in one motion and attempt Abigail’s Wings but Brad is able to put a stop to it and body drops Spike over his head.
Spike gets back to his feet only to eat a superkick. The former X*Crown Champion goes back into the turnbuckle as Brad tries to follow up with a knee but Spike moves out of the way. Now Spike uses this to lift Brad for the Spike Impaler (Jackhammer).
Spike: Goodnight, bitch.
Brad is able to drop down before Spike can hit his legendary finisher. Spike is picked up into a torture rack as Brad is able to throw him down with the piledriver HITTING THE GODDAMN RECKLESS KILLING!
Randy: Where did Brad get that from?!
Hawke: The move that won him many a match back in the old days of XHF!
Not done, Brad pulls Spike up and drops him on his head again with the Kirisute Gomen (Wrist-Clutch Fisherman’s Brainbuster)! Brad covers, hooking both legs.
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
The bell rings as Brad rolls off of his brother and a giant grin comes on his face.
Hawke: And Brad Kane pulls it off against his brother. Don’t think many gave him a chance of beating the former X*Crown Champion tonight.
Randy: I’m sure Spike won’t take this well at all.
Brad gets back to his feet and looks down at Spike, extending his hand to help his brother up. Spike slaps the hand away and rolls out the ring.
Brad: Be a bitch then.
Spike turns his attention back to his brother and gives him the double bird. Brad sighs and rests on the ropes as this appears far from over now.
Cheez sits in one of the back rooms tucked away from the rest of the arena. He hears a knock on the door and stands up and answers it. He’s greeted by both Donzig and Eddie Walker.
Cheez: Gentlemen, glad you could join me today.
Cheez invites the two men inside.
Cheez: Sit down, need a drink, I got…
Cheez looks in a small mini-fridge.
Cheez: Coconut Water, Red Bull, and Mountain Dew: Code Red…. oh, and Arizona Green Tea.
Both Donzig and Eddie shake their heads signaling they don’t want anything.
Eddie: So, we’re here to play Scrabble, correct?
Cheez: Correctamundo.
Eddie: Well, I don’t see a table, around here, so how we are going to play Scrabble?
Cheez: On this.
Cheez rolls and old CRT TV on a cart, similar to one seen in schools, with a rather beat-up-looking Sony PlayStation on top of said TV.
Donzig: The hell. I signed up to play Scrabble, not some video game.
Cheez: We are going to play Scrabble.
Donzig: Yeah, the board game.
Cheez: Did it mention anywhere on the sign-up that it would be the board game version of Scrabble?
Eddie: No, it didn’t.
Eddie says this, still not sure of what’s going on. Donzig however is a little amused.
Donzig: If you think I’m going to waste time playing a video game, with this…
Donzig points at Cheez.
Donzig: Nerd. You must be crazy.
Eddie: I feel like that’s a little uncalled for.
Donzig begins to head to the door.
Cheez: What if I told you the winner gets a prize?
Both men turn their heads in Cheez’s direction.
Donzig: Prize? You never mentioned a prize?
Eddie: Yeah, what’s up for grabs?
Cheez: This.
Cheez reaches into a nearby duffle bag and pulls out what appears to be a title belt, or course the belt looks like crap. It appears to be nothing more than a cheap plastic version on XHF Phoenix Championship sold at the merchandise table, with the exception, that the side plates have been replaced with crushed Mountain Dew Cans, and the font plate has a black and gold painted Nintendo Controller attached to fidget spinner super-glued to it. Eddie and Donzig look at Cheez in a bit of confusion.
Cheez: Gentleman I give you the XHF Official-Unofficial Gamer’s Championship. An unsanctioned championship, that can be defended anytime. The champion pick where, and when he wants to defend. As well as, what game to defend it with. You want to challenge somebody to a game of checkers, you can do that. You want to host a Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode Round Robi Tournament, you can do that. So you still want to leave
Donzig rolls his eyes.
Donzig: Give me a controller.
The three men all grab controllers and sit down. The camera then zooms in to the TV until only the game screen is shown.
Cheez stands up.
Cheez: Well gentleman, it’s been fun, but it looks like I’ve won. Hopefully, we can do this again in the future, but until then I’m just gonna keep this with me.
Cheez tucks the XHF Official-Unofficial Gamer’s Championship back into his bag and begins to leave the room. He’s stopped by Donzig.
Donzig: Hey, wait a minute. First, you invited us to play Scrabble, then you trick us into playing the PlayStation version, and then you don’t explain who the game works.
Eddie: Yeah, how was I supposed to know that, if the game didn’t think it was a word, it would skip my turn? Huh?
Cheez pauses for a second before turning back to face the two men
Cheez: Would the two of you, please shut up! Oh, Cheez, it’s not fair, I didn’t know how to play the game. I didn’t know how to play. It’s not fair. Whine, whine, bitch, bitch, moan, moan. Did anyone take it easy on me, when I started wrestling? I had to learn shit the hard way. So let’s just call this game, turnabout. No one wanted to take it easy on me when I stepped out of my comfort zone and into the ring. So, why in the world should I take it easy on anyone the minute they sit down next to me with a controller in their hands. The minute that console…
Cheez points at the PlayStation.
Cheez: Turns on. You are in my world, breathing my air. So if the two of you don’t like it, tough shit. Do you want another shot at the XHF Official-Unofficial Gamer’s Championship? Then I suggest you start practicing your combos. Because I’m defending it next in Killer Instinct on the Super Nintendo. I announce the date later, until then. I bit the two of you a good evening.
Cheez leaves the room, slamming the door on his way out leaving both Eddie Walker and Donzig stunned.
Jeffrey Viper hits the ramp with a shower of sparks and a few explosions, posing for a minute as the crowd cheers. And then he lifts his arms again, before he starts for the ring. He rolled inside, and climbed the turnbuckles with a shout of 'Come on!'. The fans popped, and he leapt down before heading to another turnbuckle to spread his arms wide.
The fans again cheered, and Viper smiled as he stood there.
Bonnie Jenkins however did seem as impressed as she lifted the mic.
Bonnie Jenkins: Hailing from somewhere, he is Just Vicious Jeffrey Viper!
Jeffrey winks at her, climbing down from the turnbuckle to approach her with a smirk. Then he walks over to lean in the corner, staring at the ramp. He nods, muttering to himself as he waits.
Hawke: Who hired back this clown?
Randy: He's clean and reformed from prison Joey! Give him a chance!
The lights go down, and the crowd falls into a hush before a single bright light reveals a single figure stepping forward to grab an old fashioned mic that has decided from the ceiling. And then:
Jets of flame erupt along the ramp, and a single slender figure appears at the top of it arms spread wide before the lights come up an angry sullen red. A long coat flaps around it, and there is a gleam of metal beneath the hood as Donzig pauses behind Sinclair Godfrey.
Bonnie Jenkins looks at Viper, who is still smirking before she gives a faint mocking smile.
Bonnie Jenkins: Accompanied by Lady Sinclar Godfrey, he is the Pride of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania! Representing Reign, JRok, and Fireside! He is the leader of Donzig-gun! DONZIG!
The fans give a mixed pop as Donzig storms down the ramp, unpleasantness clearly on his mind as he heads for the ring with Sinclair. He stares a hole in Viper, pausing at the ramp to fling off his coat before he reaches up to pull off his mask. He hands it to her, and then climbs inside of the ring before he walks to the middle to meet Viper who is still smirking.
Hawke: You know what? Now's a good time to use the restroom. I'll be back.
Randy: What? Wait, Joey hold on! I can't commentate by myself! Bro come on! I can't do this on my own! Bro!
The pair are nearly nose to nose, and the ref is trying to get them apart as Viper is talking trash. Donzig just nods, and scowls before he looks at the ref before roaring.
Donzig: RING THE FUCKING BELL!
The fans pop, and the ref calls for the bell.
Viper smirks, and they face off again before Jeffrey lifts a hand to deliver a slap across Donzig's face. The Scourge's head snapped back, and he took a few steps back as the fans gasp! Sinclair's mouth drops open, and Viper laughs before Donzig starts dropping huge right hands on him. Raining punch after punch before he shoves him into the corner, and he darts back before he runs forward.
His elbow hammers into Viper's face, and Donzig shakes his head before he climbs to the middle rope. And he starts dropping more punches, battering away at Viper's head and face with a litany of curses. The fans starting a count before Viper finally reaches up to grab him, and he lifts him before shoving him off.
Randy: Donzig with a head start but Viper keeping him back!
Donzig crashes to the mat from the crude powerbomb, and the fans cheer as Viper shakes his head before he grabs his leg to start kicking at his thigh. The fans seem like that, and Viper goes to lock on a figure four! But Donzig drives a boot into his back to knock him into the ropes.
Sinclair grabs Viper's head, jerking it down as she chokes him with the ropes to the jeers of the fans. Donzig climbs back to his feet, favoring one leg before he darts back to run forward to crash a a leg across Jeffrey's back and neck. Jeffrey falls backwards grabbing at his throat and neck, Donzig hits the middle rope going for the Lionsault.
Viper's knees come up, and Donzig crashes to the side as Sinclair hits the apron in a fury. Jeffrey rolls over leering at her as he rubs at his neck, and then he climbs to his feet. He stalks over, reaching for Donzig only to be rolled up for a quick pin!
1...
Jeffrey kicks out, cursing as Donzig smirks at him before motioning for him to get up.
Randy: *braaaap*
Jeffrey pushes himself upwards, and throws a few punches at the smirking Donzig. Donzig fires back, and they move back and forth before Donzig hits the ropes. Jeffrey drives a few shots into his sides and ribs, then runs back before charging in at him.
But Donzig ducks low, and he lifts Jeffrey upwards to fling him to the outside. The fans cheer, and Viper shakes his head as he starts to get back to his feet. But Sinclair Godfrey runs over to start kicking and punching at him, Jeffrey pushes her back coming to his feet.
Donzig crashes into Viper with a topa suicida! The fans eat it up as the pair land in a heap against the barrier, and Sinclair Godfrey looks on with a look of surprise. The Scourge is on his feet first, looking around wildly before he tugs at his beard before he waves the fans aside with a few shoves before he grabs a steel chair.
Randy: Oh no, what's he doing with the chair?... oh yeah Hawke's not hear to banter back.
He holds it high in the air, and slams the edge off the ground as he motions for Jeffrey to rise.
The Vicious One comes to his feet to the delight of the fans, and Donzig charges in swinging the chair like a battle axe so the edge of the legs snap across Viper's head. Blood flows, and Viper falls back against the barrier. Donzig grabs the edge, and slams it into his gut once, twice, a third time.
Viper is in trouble, leaning hard on the barrier before Donzig draws back before charging back in with the chair over his head. And Viper grabs the chair, shoving Donzig back before he cracks it across his head. The fans cheer, and Viper waves the chair at Sinclair before he turns back to Donzig.
Randy: So cocky and arrogant.
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): Ho hum this match isn't technical enough for me.
Randy: Well it's a deathmatch dummy, why be technical when you can be violent?
He slams the chair across his back again, and then he moves back before tossing it aside. He grabs Donzig, dropping him across the barrier which the fans at ringside love! Donzig sprawls, and Viper grabs him again to fling him at the barrier before Donzig flips across it to crash into the front row of the crowd.
The fans explode, and Jeffrey Viper lifts his arms in triumph before he starts to climb over the barricade. Sinclair grabs him, jerking him away from the barrier before delivering a hard slap that rocks Viper backwards. And then she draws back her head, and lunges forward to unleash the Black Mist!
Randy: Black mist! Black mist!
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): There's the dirty work I like to see!
But Viper ducks, and Sinclair catches a fan who screams as they fall back grabbing at their face. She looks shocked, and turns to be dropped by a hard shove from Viper who just laughs at her before he is grabbed by Donzig who yanks him backwards over the barricade by the throat! The fans are going wild, and Donzig headbutts the back of Viper's head a few times before waving the fans aside.
They wisely scatter, and Donzig flings Jeffrey Viper through the first row of chairs with an explosion of falling chairs.
Viper lays in a heap, and the fans are chanting as Donzig climbs over the barrier again. He jerks his head at Sinclair, who digs under the ring to produce a kendo stick. Donzig snaps it through the air a few times, cracking it against the side of the apron. Jeffrey Viper meanwhile staggers from the crowd, and yelps as his fingers are cracked by the kendo stick as he goes to pull himself over.
Randy: Oof, did you hear that Hawke?
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): That sounded just vicious!
Randy: Vicious Viper taking a vicious strike!
Donzig charges in, snapping the stick across Viper's blood streaked head a few times before he draws back to charge in with it like a lance. The place erups as Viper hangs across the barrier, and Donzig flings the stick aside before ripping Viper over it.
He stands over Viper, arms spread wide as he mocks the fans with a few yells. Then he goes to grab Viper, but Jeffrey hits the low blow! The Scourge doubles over, stumbling a few steps before Viper grabs the kendo stick to snap it across Donzig's back and head as the fans eat it up.
Donzig is covered in welts, bleeding before Jeffrey Viper holds up the stick. Sinclair Godfrey grabs it, yanking it from his hands before he points a finger in his face as she starts talking trash. Yelling at the smirking Viper, who mouths 'You're kind of hot when you're mad.'
Sinclair blinks, and her eyes blaze with fury as she takes a step closer with that stick.
Viper shrugs, the mics barely picking it up.
Viper: Not as hot as Eli evidently, but..
Sinclair swings, and Viper dives aside so the kendo stick cracks like thunder across the face of Donzig. The places explodes with cheers as Sinclair drops the stick, covering her mouth in dismay as she shakes her head.
Viper laughs in her face, leaning against the barrier as the fans fawn and leer over him. Sinclair grits her teeth, and then lifts the kendo stick again to swing it over her head. But someone grabs it, throwing it away as she turns to find herself face to face with Dave, Viper's love interest!
The fans explode, and begin to sing.
Crowd: Do you want to have Butt Sex?
Viper urges them on waving his hands like a conductor. Dave meanwhile starts slapping and screaming at Sinclair, who after a look of disbelief starts to fire back. Sinclair finally grabbing Dave, but he fights back and they tumble into the crowd.
The pair brawl, and Viper just watches before he turns to see Donzig rising with a look of confusion and rage on his blood streaked face. The Scourge's nose maybe broken, and he licks his lips before he mutters.
Donzig: Kirsten Bell is a national treasure, you son of a bitch.
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): I agree!
Viper looks stunned as Donzig charges at him, but manages to fling him into the barricade. Donzig comes off, and Viper grabs him to spin him around whipping him at the stairs! The thing comes apart in a crash of metal, and the fans cheer. Viper shakes his head, digging under the ring to produce a can of fuel and a lighter.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY HIT!
Viper waved the announcers away from the spanish announce table. Throwing papers and screens aside before he held the can high before he sprayed it all over the thing. Then he lit the lighter, dropping it! Flames erupted, fire burning brightly before he grabbed the rising Donzig to bounce his head off the other announce table. Then he dragged him onto it, pulling him upright as the fire kept burning!
He was clearly looking for a powerbomb, but Donzig lunged forward with a snarl at the last minute! And both men crash through the burning announce table, fire bellowing outward as they sprawled for a minute as the fans were losing it!
The referee is looking horrified, but Donzig rolls over before climbing back to his feet. Pulling himself up the barricade, and he spits before he delivers a few stomps to Jeffrey before he hauls him upwards to deliver chop after chop against the barricade. Then he flings him towards the ring, Jeffrey hits the apron and falls to the ground.
Donzig looks around wildly, burned red and dripping blood before he tugs at his beard before he grabs the mat. He rips it upwards flinging it aside to expose the cement beneath, and he turns with malice on his mind.
Randy: Donzig with evil things on his mind.
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): Watch out watch out WATCH OUT!
But Viper lunges forward, hitting a huge spear that sends Donzig and sprawling against the barricade. Jeffrey comes up, lifting his arms in triumph as blood runs down his face before he grabs a fan to rip the Jeffrey Viper t-shirt from his head that reads 'Property of Viper'. He drapes it across Donzig's head before jerking him upwards, using the shirt to blind him as he starts punching. Donzig flails, and Jeffre yanks the shirt and his head downward to drive a few stiff knees into his face.
The fans are loving it, and Viper pauses to pose for a selfie!
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): People shouldn't take selfies he might have covid!
Randy: If he has covid Mongo wouldn't let him be here!
Donzig gets free, staring at the shirt before he grabs at Viper! Wrapping it around his throat, choking him as he screams and curses at the fans! Posing for a few selfies of his own, before dragging Viper around the ring by the crude noose!
He returns to the bare batch of cement, something unpleasant in mind as he releases the t-shirt to let Viper fall to his knees. He licked his lips, and then called for a DDT but Viper shoved him back to stagger free. He came in swinging, but Donzig planted a boot in his stomach to hit the Event Horizon!
Viper dropped and the fans groaned as Donzig flipped them off, snarling insults before he grabbed a headset from the announce team to go off.
Donzig: All of you fucking rabble, you fucking peasants in the cheap seats! You all love this slob because he is just like you! A fucking redneck son of a bitch, a degenerate, eh? I am going to fucking flay him! Do you get that?
The headset was tossed aside, and Donzig stomped towards the ring. Viper climbed inside of the ring, bleeding and shaking his head as he rose to his feet. Donzig grabbed a velvet bag, and he held it up before he rolled inside. And Viper ran at him, hitting a few solid knees before Donzig shoved him back.
Then he hit a rising clothesline that turned Viper inside out, and the fans booed as Donzig dumped the bag across the mat leaving glittering thumbtacks all over it before he spat. He licked his lips, smearing blood across his face as he wiped it. Then he grabbed the rising Viper, throwing him at the ropes once more before catching him with a huge spinebuster onto the tacks!
The fans groaned, and a chant of 'XHF! XHF! XHF!' rang out as Viper arched on the mat, rolling around in pain as his back was covered in tacks. Donzig had a few tacks as well, but he just laughed before he went for the pin.
1....
2....
.....Donzig lifted Viper, staring at the ref before he wagged a finger laughing as blood ran over his face.
Donzig: No, no, no!
He dropped Viper again, and rolled from the ring to dig under it once more before coming back up with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. He held it high, laughing insanely once more before he went back inside.
Viper was crawling across the ring, tacks and blood covering his back before Donzig started to lay into him with the bat. Ripping and tearing at him, grinding it in before he jerked it away to batter away some more.
Jeffrey was a mess, and Donzig sneered as he walked around the ring with the bat held high. He mocked the fans, then motined to Bonnie Jenkins for a mic as he watched the feebly moving Jeffrey Viper as he growled into it.
Donzig: Everytime you fuckers boo!? I will hit him again, I don't give two shits who likes it! I run this shit now, eh?
He turned, and was caught by a full on Shoulder to Die on! Donzig's mic and baseball bar went flying, bouncing across the mat as he crashed down on the tacks! The Scourge was the one rolling in pain now, and Viper made a sloppy cover!
1....
2...
KICKOUT!
The fans groan, and Viper shakes his head as he falls to the side. Both men are sprawled on the mat, and Viper grabs the bat to push himself upwards with it. Donzig rolls to his hands and knees, staring at him before he sits back.
Viper is up first, and cracks the bat across Donzig's gut as he rises. And the Scourge falls to the mat, Viper pounces putting the barbed wire across his face as he yanks backwards in a crossface! The fans cheer, and Donzig struggles to escape as he pulls himself across the mat. No rope break, and Donzig finally gets his hands up to push the bat away!
Viper is on his feet, and lifts the bat over his head to swing at the rising Donzig, but Donzig catches the bat to tear it away. He flings it aside, and snarls before he plants a boot in Viper's stomach before locking up his arms for a double arm DDT onto the tacks! He makes a pin attempt, laying on tacks as he waits for the ref.
1....
2...
3!!!
The bell rings and Donzig stands victorious! He jumps and cheers!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match, DONZIIIIIIIIIG!
Hawke: Okay. I'm back. What did I miss?
Randy: The deathmatch!
Hawke: Oh goodie.
Randy: I hate you dude.
Hawke: Folks, we are about to hand the reigns off to the commentary team of one of the newest acquisitions of the XHF Network, Phoenix Pro!
Randy: Formerly known as JCPW, these guys are all about longevity. It'll be great to see what they bring to the table.
Hawke: Without further ado, let's cut to their table!
We cut back from the Phoenix Pro team to Hawke and Randy.
Randy: What a match! Had me on the edge of my seat!
Hawke: And that folks is what the XHF is all about! Great wrestling! Welcome to the umbrella, Phoenix Pro!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a LIGHTS OUT match for the NEW XHF Phoen- Faunix championship... I thought they were just mispronouncing it, but that’s how it’s spelt on the cue card. And what do they mean new?
Before Bonnie can discover that GUNS got the Phoenix champion murdered by a bear, then to avoid giving the belt back to the XHF ran a body double in Wombat who was also murdered by a bear, so are now on their second fake Phoenix title – Girl Talk’s mix of Black Sabbath’s War Pigs and Ludacris’ Move Bitch -
“Oh No” starts pumping over the PA system.
Bonnie Jenkins: ...entering first the challenger, allegedly still part of FIRESIDE WRESTLING-
Voice Behind Curtains: THEY ARE MY HOMEBASE FEEDING GROUNDS!
Bonnie Jenkins: ...Standing at 7’4”, and weighing in at 320lbs, coming to us from the La Brea Tar Pits, in Los Angeles, California...
THE DREAD LORD-
DINOSAUR BONESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
Pushing through the curtains – and almost knocking one of them off, is the hulking dracolich. In honour of the special occasion, Dinosaur Bones is decked out in the upper half of a powder blue tuxedo, complete with top hat. The massive tail makes pants out of the question, as a result he wears the half suit like a Donald Duck. So that this sophisticated look doesn’t call into question how tough he is, Bones holds a giant chainsaw with his tiny arms. The audience flee as he threatens to, and frequently hits, the guardrail with his uncoordinated chainsaw spins. On Bones back rides his partner in crime, Lord Dominicus. The greatest champion in the history of NPW hangs onto Bones’ neck like his life depended on it... because it does. Accidentally getting bucked could mean landing on a chainsaw, and being Dominiviscerated.
Hawke: How do you like that? Despite having one of the biggest matches of his career later tonight, Lord Dominicus still coming out to support his trusty steed.
Randy: Naturally, LD wants all the XHF branded titles transported to the Dominicus Republic tonight. If Big Bone weighed less, he’d be making a run at Sanderson.
Rather than try to get his tail over the top rope, The Dread Lord just cuts the ropes down.
Hawke: Ring crew on hand to replace those ropes before the next match. So the arena lights have been wired to go out with the entrance of the champ?
Randy: I wonder what jerk Magnus is going to sucker into being Fury tonight. He actually tried to talk Nelly into it. Like Nelly has the acting chops to be anyone other than Nelly.
Hawke: Playing Fury?
Randy: Nevermind.
Bonnie Jenkins: And the champion – standing at 6’3”, and weighing in at 275lbs- hailing from Akron, Ohio – THE XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION-
THE BUCKEYE BRUISER-
REDMOND FURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!
“Whatta Man” by Salt’N’Pepa pumps over the PA system as a stick pokes out the top of the entrance curtains with a bottle attached to it.
Hawke: Is that a bottle?
Randy: That’s Super Sake Double Dry Premium! That’s the good stuff! It’s the only bottle that Super Sake won’t comp us.
Seconds after the bottle enters the arena via string attached to pole, Redmond Fury staggers out after it. At least Kris Quake wearing a Redmond Fury costume. The recent Sakura League winner seems so drunk that he can barely stand upright, but he is following the floating bottle. Behind this fake Fury, Magnus holds a fishing pole – dangling the premium double dry Super Sake just out of Quake’s reach – leading him towards the ring.
Randy: DAMN IT! What the hell is Magnus thinking?
Magnus lets the bottle drop into the ring at Dinosaur Bones feet. Tunnel vision focused on the booze over the undead reptile with a chainsaw, Quake Fury starts to crawl into the ring. Spotting Bonnie’s puzzled expression, Magnus V-lines for the announcer booth.
Randy: You’re going to get him killed!
Randy pushes past Magnus, running towards the human sacrifice that is about to occur in the ring. As Bonnie approaches him, Magnus leaps into Randy’s chair.
Magnus: Sorry Bonnie, can’t talk, looks like I have to sub in for Randy. Pro that I am! And LIGHTS OUT!
Pulling out a walkie-talkie, Magnus’ order plunges the arena into darkness.
Randy: OUCH!
Hawke: It sounds like Randy bumped into the steel steps on the way to saving –was that Quake?
Magnus: I have no idea what you’re talking about! We’re here to watch- listen- to the great Redmond Fury defend his Phoenix championship against Dinosaur Bones! If Off the Wagon have shown up, I’m sure it’s only to support their fellow GUNS superstar and keep that nefarious fiend Lord Dominicus from interfering on Bones’ behalf.
Hawke: I can barely make out shapes, ringside is pitch black – but I’m pretty sure Lord Dominicus only came out for the entrance.
Magnus: Not at all! Fury and the Off the Wagon boys taking on Bones and LD – Those DominiDudes with Attitude - – talk about a match made in hell! Now that would mean that Quake and Fury were in the ring at the same time, and Quake couldn’t be Fur-
Lord Dominicus: OUCH!
Hawke: Yup, LD stubbing his toe on the steel steps, no doubt on his way to the back.
Magnus: Well even if it’s three on one, once Bones finds the competition he’ll eat through them till it’s a singles match again. Which I’m sure GUNS will win.
Hawke: There sure is a lot of stomping around in the ring. It sounds really competitive, I wish we could see it.
Magnus: That reminds me – with Randy now at ringside, fans shouldn’t use lighters to try to make out the action. He breathes the wrong way and this whole arena could go up in flames.
Randy: OUCH!
Magnus: We had no choice but to make it a lights out match, the levels of violence currently going on inside that ring have never been witnessed in a wrestling match before. Mark my words, it’s a stomach churning blood bath, the kind that harden homicide detectives witness moments before taking their own lives. I’m talking gruesome.
Hawke: Randy definitely stubbed his toe again.
MEANWHILE INSIDE A BEAR.
“FUCK. MOSLER.”
Distant cursing wakes Fury up from his dream. Redmond Fury opens his eyes to find his massive frame under the satin sheets of a king sized bed. The wounds obtained from Aiden Merric, the nasty infection, have been treated – and his arm is heavily bandaged up. A nurse looks over at him.
XHF George “The Animal” Steele: SUCK OUT POISON.
The nurse sticks out his green tongue to illustrate the point, before wandering away. The room is well furnished and clean. Not a five star hotel, but maybe three? Certainly not the type of architecture you expect to find within a grizzly bear. Redmond Fury wonders if he died from the fever. Drawing the curtains on the window next to his bed, the view is pink and slimy – nope, still inside the bear. Fury slowly starts to rise, as his Bearskin guardian, Dirty Byrd, enters to greet him.
Dirty Byrd: Welcome back champ – thought we lost you for a second there.
Redmond Fury: Still ticking, thanks. Where exactly are we, Byrd?
Dirty Byrd: The Intercontinental. Ritzy place that the old guard set-up. I don’t mind telling you it was a bitch for XHF Shockmaster to drag you here.
The two step out into a large foyer where a half dozen familiar faces are going about there own activities. It is at this moment that Fury notices that the structure has functioning lights.
Redmond Fury: That was very kind of him. So, this place has power?
XHF Tito Santana: FUCK. STEVE. (looking up from his laptop) Welcome amigo. Yes, this whole place is running off Martel’s electric personality. (pointing at a television set in the corner) We even have the pay per view.
Redmond Fury (looking at the black screen): It isn’t on though?
XHF Rick Martel (turning up volume on television): Oh it’s on, they are just having a lights out match... or a first person perspective blindfold match. I haven’t been following too closely.
Magnus: (voice from TV): Unbelievable! The entire Fireside roster trying to help Bones win, and the entire GUNS locker room running to Fury’s aid! Who’d have thought this title match would see such open fed warfare? There must be 60 wrestlers in the ring!
Hawke: I’m only hearing the same three stomping around. Are you sure Fireside is there?
Magnus: Are you accusing me of lying?
Hawke: I can’t see a thing. I just think I’d hear an army at ringside. If you want to claim GUNS support, that’s one thing but Fireside can get litigious about misrepresentation.
Magnus: I’d like to see them prove that-
Hawke: Do you really want to declare war on Fireside?
Magnus: Oh wow! Listen to that – all the Fireside and GUNS rosters walking away.
Hawke: That’s probably safer, I wouldn’t stretch the truth on rival promotions.
Magnus: What, I’m not lying – I can see it all with my night vision goggles.
Hawke: Really? Oh, neat. Can I try them?
Magnus: ...um... no. They are very sensitive.
Redmond Fury: Well this is fantastic. Given how resourceful you hall of famers are, I’m surprised you’re still in here.
XHF Greg Valentine: We’re waiting out the pandemic. At our age, this just seems safer in here.
XHF Don Muraco: Besides, the Bear provides everything we could want.
Magnus: Almost everyone has left the official participants, but I see with my night vision goggles that Venom and Dylan Black are still going at it! What an amazing match! Normally I’d be concerned about giving away that fight of the century on non-GUNS programming – but I just wanted to point out, since no one can see it, that Venom is actually Wombat possessed by Venom.
Hawke: I thought he was eaten by a bear-
Magnus: No, this is proof that Wombat, just like Redmond Fury, is not bear food but very much alive and still active-
Redmond Fury: ..what?
The XHF Phoenix champion approaches the black television set.
Magnus: Remember when we thought Fury had been eaten? But we can all see that was just a wild rumour. An angle. Only marks thought that was real.
Redmond Fury: ...They didn’t mount a rescue mission? Or funeral? They aren’t looking for me. They, they no sold it...
XHF Tito Santana: Hey turn that down, I need quiet so I can record these videos. (looking into his laptop) This is WWE Hall of Famer Tito Santana… I’m in the holiday spirit... I’m not too crazy about giving this shout out... because I’m going to do something that I usually don’t do... BUT... I am Tito Santana and I have a message for the XHF Network. FUCK. MONGO. ...Thank you. This is... from Cross... Re Ko Baaa. Arriba!
Redmond Fury: What are you doing?
XHF Tito Santana: Recording cameo messages for my fans. If I do them all in one quick shot, its okay money. The bear provides, but it’s important to have a side hustle.
Dirty Byrd: B. Brian Blair keeps beehives for his gourmet honey line.
Redmond Fury: If you have internet, can I get a message out of the bear?
XHF Tito Santana: Sorry amigo. The signal is weak, and I have a good sixty of these messages to get out a day.
Redmond Fury: I understand – its just – it would really help me- but, I get it...
XHF Tito Santana (back to laptop): This is WWE Hall of Famer Tito Santana… I’m in the holiday spirit... I’m not too crazy about giving this shout out... because I’m going to do something that I usually don’t do... BUT... I am Tito Santana and I have a message for the XHF Network. FUCK. BAILEY. ...Thank you. This is... from Congo... Arriba!
Redmond Fury: Aren’t you worried that people are using you to cyber bully folks. Imagine that this Mongo or Bailey is an impressionable child who is huge fan of yours, and someone is paying you to insult them-
XHF Tito Santana: These are clearly friends just joshing one another. (to byrd) I thought you said he was cool?
Dirty Byrd: He is! He is! (giving Fury a dirty look) Red, you’re embarrassing me.
XHF Tito Santana: This is WWE Hall of Famer Tito Santana… I’m in the holiday spirit... I’m not too crazy about giving this shout out... because I’m going to do something that I usually don’t do... BUT... I am Tito Santana and I have a message for the XHF Network. FUCK. CAFFRE-
Redmond Fury: You say you don’t do it often, or want to swear at them, but you seem to be doing it a lot. I know you don’t mean to bully anyone, but these people who are hiring you, it doesn’t sound like harmless teasing or good fun-
XHF Tito Santana: THAT’S IT- don’t fuck with my cameo!
Redmond Fury: Now hang on-
Before Fury can make peace, Santana has grabbed his outstretched hand and turned it into a wristlock. With a clear strength advantage, the larger Fury quickly twists it into a wristlock of his own, but hopes not to apply pressure because he’d rather not rough up the former IC champions after they were kind enough to mend his wounds. Such wishful thinking leaves him open to a schoolboy by Martel, which referee Dirty Byrd happily counts.
ONE!
Redmond Fury: Stop encouraging them!
Dirty Byrd: They have a fully stocked bar, and I want to come back here. Who cares what children Tito cyber bullies to death?
Fury shoves Martel off him in time to eat a dropkick to the face by Santana. Martel applies a figure-four leglock, while Santana tears the freshly applied dressed off of Fury’s arm. Martel grabs the legs of a club chair to apply more pressure with his figure four, while Santana stomps away at Fury’s midsection. An elbowsmash knocks Santana back into a leather couch. Sitting up, Fury tries to punch Martel, but the Model leans back keeping his distance. Bouncing back from the couch, Santana comes in with a kneedrop to Fury’s arm. Fighting through the pain, Fury fires off a headbutt that again sends Santana crashing into some extremely comfortable looking high-end furniture. Grabbing a fistful of the gauze that used to be wrapped around his arm, Fury lassos it forwards, looping it around Martel’s neck and pulling him into a roundhouse right. The shot is strong enough for Martel to give up on the figure four.
Hawke: Something is touching my leg under the table...
Martel has fallen onto the volume controller of the television, so that the commentary on Supremacy bleeds into this spirited Bear contest.
Magnus: Well it’s not me-
Hawke: Please use your night goggles to figure it out, this is very unnerving!
Magnus: Wouldn’t you know it; they are all out of batteries.
Tito Santana dives off a table, landing on Fury with a running crossbody. Only Byrd is too busy at the fully stocked bar enjoying a Premium double dry Super Sake. Realizing he’s out of position, Byrd hurriedly comes back to the match trying not to spill his drink.
ONE!
T-
Fury throws Santana off him with such force that the legend knocks over his table, including his laptop. Fury starts to rise, only to be caught by Martel with a thrust kick to the chest. The Buckeye Bruiser continues to rise, absorbing more kicks. By the time Fury’s up to his feet, Martel is begging off towards the bar. Fury seems willing to let bygones be bygones, when Santana catches him from behind with a kneelift – sending him into Martel, who promptly smashes a wine bottle over of the champion’s head. Fury knocks Martel down with an instinctive Bicep Bop before staggering backwards into Santana’s El Paso de la Muerte.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Fury somehow manages to get a shoulder up. Ready to swear up a storm and wishing his laptop camera was on for all the people he could tell to fuck themselves, Santana hoists Fury up for a backbreaker – with Martel leaping off the bar with a kneedrop whie Fury lays prone across Santana’s knee. This time it’s the French Candian’s time to cover-
ONE!
TWO!
THREEEEEEEEEE-
Fury again gets a shoulder up. Martel applies a Boston crab, while Santana stands on Redmond’s face – grinding the buckeye bruiser’s mug into the marble floor.
Dirty Byrd: Do you quit?
Byrd almost falls over trying to avoid Fury’s grasp. Unable to strangle his associate slash referee, Fury instead reaches up grabbing Santana’s ankle – yanking Tito off him, and then swinging him like a club to loosen the Boston Crab.
Hawke: Okay mystery solved, I recognize that snoring. Quake appears to be under the announce table.
Magnus: Seems to be sleeping one off. I told you Quake wasn’t dressed as Fury.
Hawke: But doesn’t this mean Randy is alone in the ring with Bones?
Magnus: ...Nah, the real and alive Fury is in there. ...Or Randy should probably run.
Redmond Fury nails Santana with The Dust Off- slamming him down on the Persian carpet, before hooking a leg.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Martel breaks the pin with a slingshot splash- again going for the pin.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-
Fury gets a shoulder up. Frustrated, Martel tries to get Santana to wake up in between hitting Fury with a Gutwrench suplex. Santana looks dazed. Martel hits a double underhook suplex, which knocks over B. Brian Blair’s beehive. The insects are slow to react, but with a new sense of urgency, Martel finally wakes Santana. Strike Force hit a double spinning spinebuster which looks way cooler than it sounds. Martel tries to dissuade the bees from escaping their nest, while Santana makes the pin-
ONE!
TWO!
THREE?
Fury again kicks out. Going for broke, Santana yells something to Martel. The French Canadian half of strike force starts to lift Fury up for a scoop slam, while Santana winds up for a flying forearm. Fury predictably ducks, leaving Santana to knock Martel out. Sadly, with Martel unconscious his electric personality can no longer power The Intercontinental which goes black.
Dirty Byrd: What happened to the lights? This is just like that Supremacy match I was watching. A double Lights Out match? Talk about kismet. Am I right? Sorry Tito, I can’t see anything to count your covers-
The front door of the four-story mansion in the middle of the bear’s leg suddenly explodes, as Fury throws Martel through it with a Buckeye Shot. While the interior of the house is dark, there is some faint pink light in the bear’s cavernous insides. A second later, Fury drags Santana out, applying the Buckeye Breeze. Santana lands on the veranda, where Fury promptly covers him.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Dirty Byrd hits a pan with his penny whistle for the DING DING DING.
Dirty Byrd: The winner of this match and STILL XHF Phoenix Champion-
Byrd suddenly notices the dozen other 80s IC and Tag specialists that don’t look too happy that their home was destroyed.
Dirty Byrd: redmondfury. Well, thanks for having us gotta go.
Redmond Fury: I’m very sorry about this-
Fury starts to bow in condolence, when Byrd grabs him by the bloody arm and drags him off. Might as well save that Valentine defence for Night of Champions.
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE BEAR!
Hawke: Maybe Randy is still alive? Or the match ended and we just don’t know because the lights are out?
Magnus: Good point. How can the referee even see to count the pins? Who came up with this stipulation? It seems as ill advised as an empty arena match. DAMN IT! Why didn’t we insist on an empty arena match?
Hawke: Hindsight.
Magnus: We’ll save that little get out of jail free card for a rainy day. In the mean time, we should probably check on things. LIGHTS ON!
Screaming into his walkie-talkie, the house lights once again return. Quake dressed as Fury is sleeping under the announce booth. Randy Angel is hiding behind some steel steps, having used Super Sake regular bottles to build effigies of himself. Bones has bitten the heads off of twenty-seven of these fake Randy statues, and is starting to feel the effects of the booze.
DINOSAUR BONES: ...YOU APES ARE OKAY...
A second Redmond Fury jumps out of the audience, charging into the ring, bringing a championship belt across the leg bone of the inebriated Dinosaur Bones for a chop block. A second takes the beast over. He may just be tipsy.
Magnus: Is that the real Redmond Fury?
Hawke: What do you mean REAL Fury?
Magnus: ...Watch GUNS.
Rather than press the offense on the clearly drunk dracolich, this Fury pulls out a microphone.
Redmond Fury?: There have been a lot of fake Phoenix titles floating around since I was eaten by a bear, but I'm here to set the record straight... the only XHF Phoenix belt that matters is the one that Greg Adkins rightfully won in the Corn Maze! Regardless of what those blind officials say.
Magnus: OH, it's just Greg.
Hawke: Wait, how can you tell?
Gregmond FAdkinury: It is only right that XHF officials recognize Greg's title claim since Fury is definitely de-
Magnus: Don’t like where this is going. RELEASE THE BEAR!
Out of the back bounds UrsusLa- GUNS man-eating grizzly bear.
Magnus: She has a taste for all things Fury.
Hawke: How do you know that?
Magnus: Nevermind.
Realizing that the bear associates his Fury outfit with food, Greg Adkins starts desperately ripping it off.
Magnus: Well that backfired horribly - KILL THE LIGHTS!
The lights go out again.
Magnus: LIGHTS ON!
The lights return, and Ursula is in the ring, a partially constructed Redmond Fury is between the grizzly bear and Bones who is full of liquid courage and feels like eating a bear.
Magnus: Damn it, LIGHTS OFF.
Waits a beat.
Magnus: LIGHTS ON!
When the lights come back on, OTW are drinking under the announce table, Greg Adkins is out of his costume and escaping through the crowd, Dinosaur Bones and Ursula are nowhere to be seen, and a third Redmond Fury stands triumphant in the middle of the ring. This one looks impossibly ripped, and if he is in a costume, he’s almost tearing out of it.
Magnus: It can’t be?
Bonnie Jenkins looks around and talks to the referee for a second, before raising a microphone.
Bonnie Jenkins: As Dinosaur Bones has abandoned this contest, the winner and still NEW Fauenix champion-
Redmond Fury: Not quite.
The third Redmond Fury rips off his plastic face to reveal the monstrous mug of Colossus Rhodes.
Colossus Rhodes: If Fury is still with us, the fool has shown that he is not a fighting champion. So I am here, I wrestled this match. I won. I am your phoenix, whatever name you wish to assign that belt. There are a number of these straps floating around... but Adkins, Wombat, OTW, Magnus, or the bear. Anyone who claims my title, accept annihilation.
Tearing off the rest of the plastic body suit, Colossus Rhodes takes the XHF NEW Fauenix strap from the referee and leaves.
Bonnie Jenkins: Well, there you have it, the winner of this match and NEW Fauenix champion- is Colossus Rhodes even officially in GUNS?
Magnus: What a great match – certainly indicative of the kind of action you can expect from GUNS. Well, good chatting with you Hawke, but with Randy back, I should really run-
Bonnie Jenkins: Not so fast. Where the heck is Fury?
Uh oh. This is the conversation that Magnus has been desperately trying to avoid since October. Fortunately he’s very good at thinking on his feet, and hoping to distract Mongo’s assistant with his devilishly good looks goes for his usual scheme. Reaching into his breast pocket, Magnus pulls out a glass ring, then falls to one knee.
Magnus: Bonnie, will you marry me?
Magnus goes to his usual ploy, much to Bonnie's contempt. Unfortunately this time his ruse is performed in front of an alleged minister.
Jeffrey Viper: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Viper throws rice in Magnus' face.
Bonnie Jenkins: Now wait just a min-
Viper throws rice in Bonnie's face, causing her to choke before her objections can be heard.
Jeffrey Viper: Congratulations.
Viper wanders off to marry more trusting fools. Magnus wipes the rice out of his eyes just in time to see daggers in Bonnie's. With a nervous smile, he turns to the nearest camera.
Magnus: Is Bonnie Jenkins the NEW MRS. MAGNUS? Find out - when the 3rd Season of GUNS resumes!
Bonnie Jenkins: AND WHEN THE FUCK IS THAT?
Magnus runs away.
Hawke: Wow. A match made in heaven, and a match made in hell. What are the odds?
Randy: Where did Bones go? We had him on the ropes. Another 50 Off the Wagon effigies and he'd have lost his lunch!
MEANWHILE, INSIDE A BEAR.
The 80s stars of the WWF as they appeared in the XHF are cleaning up the Intercontinental. Martel reclines on a couch, conscious enough that the hotel once again has power. B. Brian Blair coaxes his bees back into their hive, while George Steele, Brutus Beefcake, The Legion of Doom and Iron Sheik clean up the mess. Suddenly there is a loud rumbling sound.
XHF Greg Valentine: I wonder what the bear ate this time – I sure could go for some Super Sake.
A large object crashes through their roof.
When the dust clears, an angry drunk emerges from the rubble.
DINOSAUR BONES: ...YOU APES THINK YOU’RE SOOOOOOOO SMART...
Screams of terror ring out as your favourite childhood wrestlers are devoured by a murderous dracolich – as The Intercontinental once again goes dark.
[DING DING! DING DING!]
The bell rings and Johnny Sniper immediately charges Jeffy-G and levels him with a KILLSHOT Superkick! Eli and Mehrunes begin to throw down on one side of the ring while Industrial Woman and Sniper tee off on the giant Hyperion. The ref begins to count out Gilliam, who's knocked so silly by that superkick he doesn't even respond to the 10 count! He's out!
Bonnie Jenkins: JEFF GILLIAM HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Hawke: Bad luck for SCCW fans, fan fave Jeffy-G really didn't know what hit him!
Randy: There's always next year Jeff!
Hawke: God I hope not.
Eli and Mehrunes spill to the outside, the superstorm taking it to the terror with her over-the-top style! She drops him with a dropkick and walks over to her trident, using it to pole vault up and over him for a thrust kick to the back of his head! Hyperion sees this and grabs the trident from her mid air and smacks it into Industrial Woman, before using the blunt end and driving it into Sniper's gut then cracking it down upon Sniper's back! Hype steps on both I-W and Sniper and flexes for the crowd, holding the trident high in the air! He steps down and throws the Trident into the announce table, barely missing Randy's feet as he squeals in fear! Hype turns around to a double kick in the gut, and a double snap DDT from Sniper and I-W! Sniper kips up, and turns and blasts Industrial Woman with a forearm! He holds his arm going down, because I-W is a robot and not made of flesh and bone. He grabs her and Irish whips her into the corner, following through with a big monkey flip sending her up and over into Hyperion, who she clobbers with a flying crossbody! No! He catches her and lawn darts her right into Sniper! Sniper and I-W fall to the ground and there's a sudden whirring and clanking as everything metal starts to gravitate towards the ring! Including Industrial Woman, who can't pull herself upright!
Randy: What's going on? Why is everything gravitating towards the ring?
Hawke: It's like there's a giant magnet under there!
Randy: ...no I think that's exactly what it is!
Johnny just shrugs apologetically and pulls out a small remote, with the on button pushed.
Sniper: Sorry, I hoped to save this until we were the final two.
Hawke: Sniper put the magnet under the ring! What the hell?!
The ref counts to 10 and I-W is out!
Bonnie Jenkins: INDUSTRIAL WOMAN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Sniper: Oh, thank you Gwen!
Randy: Well that was cheap. Not a fair way to get a competitor out.
Hawke: It was stupid. Now he has to deal with Hyperion all by himself!
He switches the remote to off and smirks. Then turns around and gets blasted with a giant boot by Hyperion. He grins mercilessly and follows Sniper to the outside of the ring. Meanwhile Mehrunes and Eli are bouncing each other off the announce desk! Eli stops herself from eating Hawke's lunch and blasts Mehrunes with an elbow to the ribcage. She follows with a chop, wooing for a powerup and then kicks him in the thigh! Mehrunes catches the kick! He grabs her by the throat and lifts her up and plants her THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! ALCOHOL AND FOOD GOES EVERYWHERE!
Hawke: GOOD GRIEF!
Randy: BRO COME ON! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THE SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE NOT OURS!
Mehrunes laughs before getting bodied by Sniper, who lifted him for a fireman's carry then YEET'd him at Mehrunes. Eli took the trident from him last year and he'll be damned if anyone eliminates her. She laughs at him, begging him to do his worst. And he LEVELS her with a- nope, she ducked underneath him. Dropkicks him in the back of the legs. He goes down to his knees and OMFN! Sling blades him onto the ground! Mehrunes comes over and picks up Eli in an electric chair and drops her backwards and Sniper catches her with a neckbreaker! These two understand just who the biggest threats are and begin a lethal assault to take out the two former trident holders. Mehrunes picks up Hype in a powerbomb position and Sniper assists in spiking him down! Shield Bomb! Hype goes splat on the concrete and they high five. They pick up Eli and roll her into the ring, sliding in after for more tag-team action.
Hawke: Smart strategy by Smith and Sniper, take out the hosses and they will be able to crown a new trident holder.
Randy: Crazy how two tag-team specialists with no history flow so well together.
Eli just smiles confidently, yet painfully up at the duo.
Dresden: Is that all you boys got?
Mehrunes tilts his head like Michael Myers.
Mehrunes: Lift her up.
Sniper lifts her up to her feet and Mehrunes starts his Violence party combo on her. Chop, punch, chop, punch, headbutt, headbutt, TRIPLE FIRST PRINCIPLE BY HYPERION!
Hyperion: NO! SHE IS MINE TO ELIMINATE!
Hype absolutely bodies Smith with a big boot, then spins around for a headbutt to Sniper. He stands over Eli, almost protectively, and she smiles up at him.
Dresden: Thanks, big guy.
And Hyperion's gaze snaps to her, like a shark in bloody water.
Dresden: ...shit.
Hyperion grabs her by the throat and lifts her a foot off the ground, one handed, so she's eye-to-eye with him.
Hyperion: Any last words, pretty face?
Dresden, cocky as ever, spits in his face. Verbally, not literally.
Dresden: You may have... the trident... but you will never... be... a god.
The rage shows in Hyperion's face and he lifts her two more feet above him in the air and SLAMS HER DOWN WITH THE HIGH ONE! AN UBER POWERFUL CHOKESLAM THAT ROCKS THE RING! HE STANDS OVER HER, PANTING, AS THE FIGHT FADES FROM HER EYES AND THE REF COUNTS HER OUT!
Bonnie Jenkins: ELI DRESDEN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Hawke: We will have a new trident holder when this match is done!
Randy: It may be Hype, it may be Mehrunes, or it may be Sniper. One of those three will have a fun new trident to keep after this!
Sniper and Mehrunes are pushing themselves to their feet, spitting barbs at each other.
Mehrunes: You imbecile! You watched him charge us and did nothing!
Sniper: Sorry, my instructions were to "lift her up" not "watch out for a dumptruck that might plow us over!"
The two begin to trade blows in the ring, lefts and rights flying high! Hype just sits back and watches. Smirking. It's rest time for him. Sniper backs Mehrunes into a corner, chopping him with some machine gun chops. Mehrunes counters and spins them around so he can unleash his violence party! Chops and punches, a few elbows to the head, a devastating headbutt! Mehrunes lifts Sniper to the top rope and follows him up, lifting him up on his shoulders before DROPPING HIM OFF THE TOP ROPE TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR WITH THE CALL OF THE DEEP! COTD! MEHRUNES SITS ON THE GROUND, PANTING, AS JOHNNY SNIPER GETS COUNTED OUT FROM THE MATCH!
Bonnie Jenkins: JOHNNY SNIPER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Randy: And it's down to two!
Hawke: Hyperion and Mehrunes Smith. One of these men will walk out with the Trident of Hyperion. JUST WHO, is the question we all are on the edge of out seats for.
Mehrunes turns and stares up at Hype, who is clapping mockingly at him for his troubles. Mehrunes rolls in and gets face-to-chest with the God of Light. Hyperion laughs at him.
Hyperion: What're you made of, Tentacle'd one?
And they begin to brawl all over the ring. The small Mehrunes putting up a surprisingly decent fight on the powerful Hyperion. Hype would get a few power moves in, a big tree-trunk axe handle across the back and a thrust kick for funsies, but Mehrunes would be all over the AWF Hall of Famer. Hype eats it up, begging for more. Mehrunes is trying his damnedest but you can see him sweating hard. He's getting uncretain. Can he beat Hype? It's in this uncertain confusion that HYPE CLAPS HIM OVER THE EARS! MEHRUNES IS STUNNED! HYPERION RUNS THE ROPES! RUNS PAST MEHRUNES ONCE! TWICE! THREE TIMES! BUILDING UP SPEED! FIIIIIIIIIRST PRIIIINCIPLE! MEHRUNES IS TURNED INSIDE OUT AS HYPE STANDS OVER HIM, POSING AS THE REF COUNTS TO 10! THAT'S IT! HE'S OUT!
Bonnie Jenkins: MEHRUNES SMITH HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! ERGO, THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH AND NEW HOLDER OF HYPERION'S TRIDENT, HYYYYYYYYYYYPERION!
Randy: HYPERION DID IT! HE GOT HIS TRIDENT BACK!
Hawke: He fought like a bat out of hell but secured that trident for the House of Hyperion!
Hype rolls out of the ring and pulls the trident out of the announce table and raises it in victory!
Hawke: Folks, we're about to hand the reigns over to our favorite commentator after ourselves, the winner of the XHF Up and Clean Award, give it up for Aleister Mayfield!
Randy: Woo! Time for an SCCW Match!
SCCW INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP
One on One Normal Match
Roy Case(c) vs Fenrir
We fade to the SCCW arena.
We come back to the commentary booth.
Randy: What a match!
Hawke: Didn't see the match going that way but it did! Congrats to the SCCW International Champion!
Hawke: For the first time in nearly 13 years we are going to see the brothers Kane go to war. Spike Kane against Brad Kane, two former Rumble winners, both men won the old XHF World Championship.
Randy: I think the bigger story here is Spike will be turning his little brother into a fine meat paste in about five minutes or so.
The lights dim down as everyone expects “What You Know” by T.I. to start playing to signify the arrival of Brad Kane. Instead, seeing as how this is a big show, he’s spared little expense tonight. Instead the opening strings of “Till It’s Gone” by Yelawolf begins to play. The former XHF Champion comes from the back with a hooded sweatshirt on, hood up, as it sports himself and Spike from one of their tag team runs.
Brad stands in the entry way as he exhales and begins to walk in the ring. He slaps a few hands along his way to the ring.
“Ain't much I can do but I do what I can
But I'm not a fool, there's no need to pretend
Just because you got yourself in some shit
It doesn't mean I have to come deal with it”
As he reaches ringside, Brad pulls the hood down and looks around again as most of the arena is shouting words of encouragement in the upcoming war between brothers. BK ignores the cries for Reckless Jack, shaking his head as a few are more than happy to tell him that Spike will always be superior to him. Brad gets in the ring and takes off the sweatshirt and hands it off to ringside and begins to stretch and focus his way to the entrance.
Randy: Hard to believe these guys used to be dead. Some wish they still are. Most, probably.
Hawke: Hell’s loss is our gain, by far.
The lights go out as the beginning of "Bow Down" by I Prevail plays through the PA system, as a circle of flames erupts on the stage. Through the flames, slowly emerges Spike Kane as he fully emerges, the song kicks in.
"GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW DOWN!!!"
Spike steps through the flames and heads to the ring, taking off his jacket as he prepares for a fight.
Hawke: The former X*Crown Champion himself, Spike Kane. I’m sure he’d much rather be defending the title he held until about a month ago tonight.
Randy: Who wouldn’t? Spike has been a killer since he shot out hell like a bat! Instead he’s here slumming it up against his inferior brother.
One on One Normal Match
Spike Kane vs Brad Kane
The two brothers take a moment to soak all of it in. Nearly 15 years ago it was revealed they were siblings in an XHF ring. Neither of them move for another moment as the bell finally sounds and things are underway in their first ever normal match against one another. Brad, a bit smaller than Spike, makes the first move looking for a double leg takedown but the Xtreme brother blocks it and throws Brad down.
Brad gets back to his feet and rethinks as Spike grins.
Spike: Gonna take more than that, you inferior bitch.
Instead of saying anything back, Brad fires off a hard kick to Spike’s ribs and follows it with another. Brad bounces off the ropes and knocks Spike to the ring apron with a dropkick to the chest. With a small amount of momentum built up, Brad runs and elbows Spike off the apron, sending him to the floor.
Brad: How’s that feel? You gonna go grab a chair and bring it in because you never actually cared how to wrestle?
That gets an audible reaction from the crowd as Spike gets back into the ring with great speed. The two brothers finally get face to face and shit talk one another, the blood beginning to boil in both of them. Spike just outright bitch slaps Brad, sending him to the mat.
Spike: Wow, just one shot? No wonder your ex-wife fucked so many other dudes.
Now Brad snaps back up to his feet and pie faces Spike. That turns everything into a giant punching war as the crowd gets to their feet for the hard shots the two brothers are laying into one another. There is very little holding back as Brad’s eyebrow gets busted open and Spike’s jaw starts to turn blue.
Hawke: These two aren’t holding a damn thing back right now!
Randy: I wonder if I got a chance with Brad’s ex-wife. I heard if you got skin, you’re in.
Brad gets pushed back into the corner as Spike keeps laying in hard punches all over his brother’s face and body. The official attempts to break it up but Spike tosses them aside to keep on going after Brad. Brad fights his way free with elbows to Spike’s stomach before hitting a jumping knee to the face. Spike takes a few steps back as Brad shoots for another takedown, wanting to show that his way in the ring is superior.
Spike is able to scramble out of it again and just punt Brad right in the nose! Blood begins to pour out as Spike smirks, the referee taking a moment to check on Brad’s condition.
Spike: Awww the wrestler guy got his nose broken?
Brad forces his way back up as his nose is obviously broken as he just straight up headbutts Spike in the chest. Spike doesn’t take too kindly to that and kicks Brad right in the stomach before kneeing him right in the face again! Brad staggers into a corner as Spike runs in with a clothesline, sending Brad to the mat.
Randy: Put away the fine china, the boys are roughhousing again!
Hawke: They don’t seem to be really pulling anything tonight. The impact is deafening.
Spike gets a sadistic grin, big shock right, on his face as he begins to scrape his boot across his brother’s face. A few people in the crowd begin to chant OLE as Spike runs off the ropes and just gives Brad a massive face wash, blood starting to pour out of Brad’s nose again. The former X*Crown Champion pulls his brother out of the corner and lifts him up and hits a suplex. No cover as Spike does it a second time, Brad yelling in pain from the impact.
Spike: Sure glad you accepted this challenge to end this between us. The only thing you’re showing them is how right I am, lil’ bitch.
A few insulting slaps to Brad’s face followed as Spike began to chuckle. He grabs his brother by the hair and throws him into the ropes and knocks him back down with a kick to the face. Brad falls on his ass as Spike comes off the ropes and hits a basement clothesline, getting up and taking a bow after.
Hawke: Spike has started to gain control of this contest.
Randy: He is the superior brother so why should anyone be surprised?
Brad is beginning to stir as Spike pulls his brother up and elbows him a couple of times right in the jaw. A whip into the rope follows, Spike shaking the ring with a massive spinebuster. He still doesn’t cover and instead takes a moment to soak it all in.
Spike: Okay, wrestler, let’s see how you like this.
Spike grabs one of Brad’s legs and puts him into a half-crab. Brad yells in pain as Spike keeps laughing. Slowly, inch by inch, Brad begins to make his way to the ropes before grabbing the bottom. The official begins their count.
One…
Two…
Three…
Four…
Fi…
Spike breaks the hold at the last possible second and grins.
Spike: I have until five, ref. Do your goddamn job.
The former X*Crown Champion stomps on Brad’s leg now, knowing that his brother can kick with the best of them. Brad gets in the ropes again to get a break from his brother’s onslaught, Spike still laughing at him.
Spike: Can’t fight back so you grab the ropes? Are you sure you’re better than me?
Brad gets to his feet on the apron as Spike elbows him again. The ref tells them to get it all back in the ring, momentarily distracting Spike. This gives Brad a chance to throw a kick with his good leg, stunning his brother. Spike goes towards him again but eats another one! Brad takes the chance to springboard back into the ring with a dropkick, sending his brother into a corner.
Randy: Oh, wow, Brad still has some fight left in him.
Hawke: He always battled back so why would it be different now. Spike is poking and prodding him tonight, so I’m sure he wants to make him eat those words.
With Spike in the corner, Brad runs in and knees Spike in the face. Spike staggers forward as Brad takes a mighty swing, looking for the BK Backfist, but Spike ducks out of the way and kicks Brad in the stomach and tries for the Thunderstruck (stunner) but gets pushed off. Spike turns back into a big bicycle knee which Brad follows with an exploder suplex.
Now with Spike down, Brad takes a moment to pull him up and hits a couple of european uppercuts before throwing his brother into the ropes. Brad makes the mistake of lowering his head as Spike kicks him in the shoulder. Spike attempts the Thunderstruck again but once more is pushed away. Brad dropkicks the leg out and follows up with The Killshot (stiff head kick)! He falls on Spike.
One!
Two!!
Nope, not yet. Brad doesn’t waste a moment though and tries to put Spike into a triangle choke but gets blocked from locking it in. Instead, Brad now elbows Spike in the face a few times, trying to knock him out.
Brad: Talk shit, get hit.
Brad pulls Spike up and chops the chest, Spike going into the corner now as Brad follows with another chop. Spike gets pissed and fires back with one his own. Brad hits him with a chop, Spike follows with one of his own. Oh shit. CHOP WAR!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
The crowd gets on their feet as the two brothers are laying into one another with hard chops, their chests beginning to turn red. Brad fakes a chop to the chest as Spike braces for it, Brad instead chopping his brother’s face! Spike pushes him back as the two get back in each other’s faces.
Hawke: Jesus, Randy, look at their chests!
Randy: I don’t look at a chest unless they’re sporting double D’s.
The two brothers engage in an all out punching war as Spike is able to score a stellar double leg takedown and starts to wail away with elbow after elbow. Brad tries to get his hands and arms up to block as Spike keeps reigning down the fury. Brad’s able to catch one and tries to turn it into an armbar, but Spike is able to hit another elbow which releases Brad’s grasp. Spike pulls his brother up and kicks him in the stomach and finally hits the Thunderstruck!
This time Spike doesn’t waste a single moment and goes for a cover, hooking a leg.
One!
Two!!
Thr!!!
Nah, Brad gets a shoulder off of the mat. Spike pounds the canvas in frustration. He picks his brother up and throws him into the ropes, possibly looking for Blood God’s Wrath (pop-up powerbomb). As he throws Brad up, Brad is able to catch him with a dropkick coming down!
Randy: Okay, that was a good counter.
Hawke: The two brothers know one another so well even after it being so long away from each other in the ring.
Brad kips up to his feet and lets out a loud war scream. He pulls Spike up and gets him on his shoulders and throws him off, hitting the Mad World (Fireman’s Carry thrown into a Roundhouse Kick)! However, Spike falls out of the ring as Brad falls to his knees in frustration. The ref begins to count Spike out, but…
Brad: Stop the fuckin’ count. No one wants that bullshit.
The crowd pops as the ref shrugs and stops. Brad waits for Spike to get up as he flies out of the ring looking for a tope BUT SPIKE IS ABLE TO CATCH HIM WITH THE BLOODY SUNDAY (Black Mass)! Brad’s body hits the floor with a thud as Spike falls back in the rail.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Spike slowly grabs Brad and rolls him back into the ring and covers him close to the ropes.
One!
SPIKE PUTS HIS FEET ON THE ROPES!
Two!!
Thre!!!
…
BRAD KICKS OUT! Spike can’t believe it as he gets up to his feet and stomps away on his brother.
Spike: STAY DEAD YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER BE BETTER THAN ME. SHOW ME THE RESPECT I’VE RIGHTFULLY EARNED!
Spike uses his foot to draw Brad back up and looks for a second Bloody Sunday but Brad has enough left to duck out of the way. Spike eats a BK Backfist but doesn’t go down as Brad catches him flush in the temple with a second to knock him down, Brad falling along with him.
Hawke: This is getting more and more heated, Randy, the longer they’re going.
Randy: Spike has a point. Brad’s never shown him the respect he’s earned.
Hawke: I think it’s a two way street as Spike’s never shown Brad any either.
With the crowd on their feet the two brothers begin to slowly get back to their feet thanks to the ropes. They glare at one another as Spike kicks Brad in the chest, Brad firing back with one of his own. Once more they’re going back and forth at a rapid rate!
SPIKE!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
BRAD!
SPIKE!
SPIKE!
Brad goes into the ropes and comes back as Spike is able to catch him in one motion and attempt Abigail’s Wings but Brad is able to put a stop to it and body drops Spike over his head.
Spike gets back to his feet only to eat a superkick. The former X*Crown Champion goes back into the turnbuckle as Brad tries to follow up with a knee but Spike moves out of the way. Now Spike uses this to lift Brad for the Spike Impaler (Jackhammer).
Spike: Goodnight, bitch.
Brad is able to drop down before Spike can hit his legendary finisher. Spike is picked up into a torture rack as Brad is able to throw him down with the piledriver HITTING THE GODDAMN RECKLESS KILLING!
Randy: Where did Brad get that from?!
Hawke: The move that won him many a match back in the old days of XHF!
Not done, Brad pulls Spike up and drops him on his head again with the Kirisute Gomen (Wrist-Clutch Fisherman’s Brainbuster)! Brad covers, hooking both legs.
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
The bell rings as Brad rolls off of his brother and a giant grin comes on his face.
Hawke: And Brad Kane pulls it off against his brother. Don’t think many gave him a chance of beating the former X*Crown Champion tonight.
Randy: I’m sure Spike won’t take this well at all.
Brad gets back to his feet and looks down at Spike, extending his hand to help his brother up. Spike slaps the hand away and rolls out the ring.
Brad: Be a bitch then.
Spike turns his attention back to his brother and gives him the double bird. Brad sighs and rests on the ropes as this appears far from over now.
Cheez sits in one of the back rooms tucked away from the rest of the arena. He hears a knock on the door and stands up and answers it. He’s greeted by both Donzig and Eddie Walker.
Cheez: Gentlemen, glad you could join me today.
Cheez invites the two men inside.
Cheez: Sit down, need a drink, I got…
Cheez looks in a small mini-fridge.
Cheez: Coconut Water, Red Bull, and Mountain Dew: Code Red…. oh, and Arizona Green Tea.
Both Donzig and Eddie shake their heads signaling they don’t want anything.
Eddie: So, we’re here to play Scrabble, correct?
Cheez: Correctamundo.
Eddie: Well, I don’t see a table, around here, so how we are going to play Scrabble?
Cheez: On this.
Cheez rolls and old CRT TV on a cart, similar to one seen in schools, with a rather beat-up-looking Sony PlayStation on top of said TV.
Donzig: The hell. I signed up to play Scrabble, not some video game.
Cheez: We are going to play Scrabble.
Donzig: Yeah, the board game.
Cheez: Did it mention anywhere on the sign-up that it would be the board game version of Scrabble?
Eddie: No, it didn’t.
Eddie says this, still not sure of what’s going on. Donzig however is a little amused.
Donzig: If you think I’m going to waste time playing a video game, with this…
Donzig points at Cheez.
Donzig: Nerd. You must be crazy.
Eddie: I feel like that’s a little uncalled for.
Donzig begins to head to the door.
Cheez: What if I told you the winner gets a prize?
Both men turn their heads in Cheez’s direction.
Donzig: Prize? You never mentioned a prize?
Eddie: Yeah, what’s up for grabs?
Cheez: This.
Cheez reaches into a nearby duffle bag and pulls out what appears to be a title belt, or course the belt looks like crap. It appears to be nothing more than a cheap plastic version on XHF Phoenix Championship sold at the merchandise table, with the exception, that the side plates have been replaced with crushed Mountain Dew Cans, and the font plate has a black and gold painted Nintendo Controller attached to fidget spinner super-glued to it. Eddie and Donzig look at Cheez in a bit of confusion.
Cheez: Gentleman I give you the XHF Official-Unofficial Gamer’s Championship. An unsanctioned championship, that can be defended anytime. The champion pick where, and when he wants to defend. As well as, what game to defend it with. You want to challenge somebody to a game of checkers, you can do that. You want to host a Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode Round Robi Tournament, you can do that. So you still want to leave
Donzig rolls his eyes.
Donzig: Give me a controller.
The three men all grab controllers and sit down. The camera then zooms in to the TV until only the game screen is shown.
Cheez stands up.
Cheez: Well gentleman, it’s been fun, but it looks like I’ve won. Hopefully, we can do this again in the future, but until then I’m just gonna keep this with me.
Cheez tucks the XHF Official-Unofficial Gamer’s Championship back into his bag and begins to leave the room. He’s stopped by Donzig.
Donzig: Hey, wait a minute. First, you invited us to play Scrabble, then you trick us into playing the PlayStation version, and then you don’t explain who the game works.
Eddie: Yeah, how was I supposed to know that, if the game didn’t think it was a word, it would skip my turn? Huh?
Cheez pauses for a second before turning back to face the two men
Cheez: Would the two of you, please shut up! Oh, Cheez, it’s not fair, I didn’t know how to play the game. I didn’t know how to play. It’s not fair. Whine, whine, bitch, bitch, moan, moan. Did anyone take it easy on me, when I started wrestling? I had to learn shit the hard way. So let’s just call this game, turnabout. No one wanted to take it easy on me when I stepped out of my comfort zone and into the ring. So, why in the world should I take it easy on anyone the minute they sit down next to me with a controller in their hands. The minute that console…
Cheez points at the PlayStation.
Cheez: Turns on. You are in my world, breathing my air. So if the two of you don’t like it, tough shit. Do you want another shot at the XHF Official-Unofficial Gamer’s Championship? Then I suggest you start practicing your combos. Because I’m defending it next in Killer Instinct on the Super Nintendo. I announce the date later, until then. I bit the two of you a good evening.
Cheez leaves the room, slamming the door on his way out leaving both Eddie Walker and Donzig stunned.
Jeffrey Viper hits the ramp with a shower of sparks and a few explosions, posing for a minute as the crowd cheers. And then he lifts his arms again, before he starts for the ring. He rolled inside, and climbed the turnbuckles with a shout of 'Come on!'. The fans popped, and he leapt down before heading to another turnbuckle to spread his arms wide.
The fans again cheered, and Viper smiled as he stood there.
Bonnie Jenkins however did seem as impressed as she lifted the mic.
Bonnie Jenkins: Hailing from somewhere, he is Just Vicious Jeffrey Viper!
Jeffrey winks at her, climbing down from the turnbuckle to approach her with a smirk. Then he walks over to lean in the corner, staring at the ramp. He nods, muttering to himself as he waits.
Hawke: Who hired back this clown?
Randy: He's clean and reformed from prison Joey! Give him a chance!
The lights go down, and the crowd falls into a hush before a single bright light reveals a single figure stepping forward to grab an old fashioned mic that has decided from the ceiling. And then:
Jets of flame erupt along the ramp, and a single slender figure appears at the top of it arms spread wide before the lights come up an angry sullen red. A long coat flaps around it, and there is a gleam of metal beneath the hood as Donzig pauses behind Sinclair Godfrey.
Bonnie Jenkins looks at Viper, who is still smirking before she gives a faint mocking smile.
Bonnie Jenkins: Accompanied by Lady Sinclar Godfrey, he is the Pride of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania! Representing Reign, JRok, and Fireside! He is the leader of Donzig-gun! DONZIG!
The fans give a mixed pop as Donzig storms down the ramp, unpleasantness clearly on his mind as he heads for the ring with Sinclair. He stares a hole in Viper, pausing at the ramp to fling off his coat before he reaches up to pull off his mask. He hands it to her, and then climbs inside of the ring before he walks to the middle to meet Viper who is still smirking.
Hawke: You know what? Now's a good time to use the restroom. I'll be back.
Randy: What? Wait, Joey hold on! I can't commentate by myself! Bro come on! I can't do this on my own! Bro!
The pair are nearly nose to nose, and the ref is trying to get them apart as Viper is talking trash. Donzig just nods, and scowls before he looks at the ref before roaring.
Donzig: RING THE FUCKING BELL!
Deathmatch
Donzig vs Jeffrey Viper
The fans pop, and the ref calls for the bell.
Viper smirks, and they face off again before Jeffrey lifts a hand to deliver a slap across Donzig's face. The Scourge's head snapped back, and he took a few steps back as the fans gasp! Sinclair's mouth drops open, and Viper laughs before Donzig starts dropping huge right hands on him. Raining punch after punch before he shoves him into the corner, and he darts back before he runs forward.
His elbow hammers into Viper's face, and Donzig shakes his head before he climbs to the middle rope. And he starts dropping more punches, battering away at Viper's head and face with a litany of curses. The fans starting a count before Viper finally reaches up to grab him, and he lifts him before shoving him off.
Randy: Donzig with a head start but Viper keeping him back!
Donzig crashes to the mat from the crude powerbomb, and the fans cheer as Viper shakes his head before he grabs his leg to start kicking at his thigh. The fans seem like that, and Viper goes to lock on a figure four! But Donzig drives a boot into his back to knock him into the ropes.
Sinclair grabs Viper's head, jerking it down as she chokes him with the ropes to the jeers of the fans. Donzig climbs back to his feet, favoring one leg before he darts back to run forward to crash a a leg across Jeffrey's back and neck. Jeffrey falls backwards grabbing at his throat and neck, Donzig hits the middle rope going for the Lionsault.
Viper's knees come up, and Donzig crashes to the side as Sinclair hits the apron in a fury. Jeffrey rolls over leering at her as he rubs at his neck, and then he climbs to his feet. He stalks over, reaching for Donzig only to be rolled up for a quick pin!
1...
Jeffrey kicks out, cursing as Donzig smirks at him before motioning for him to get up.
Randy: *braaaap*
Jeffrey pushes himself upwards, and throws a few punches at the smirking Donzig. Donzig fires back, and they move back and forth before Donzig hits the ropes. Jeffrey drives a few shots into his sides and ribs, then runs back before charging in at him.
But Donzig ducks low, and he lifts Jeffrey upwards to fling him to the outside. The fans cheer, and Viper shakes his head as he starts to get back to his feet. But Sinclair Godfrey runs over to start kicking and punching at him, Jeffrey pushes her back coming to his feet.
Donzig crashes into Viper with a topa suicida! The fans eat it up as the pair land in a heap against the barrier, and Sinclair Godfrey looks on with a look of surprise. The Scourge is on his feet first, looking around wildly before he tugs at his beard before he waves the fans aside with a few shoves before he grabs a steel chair.
Randy: Oh no, what's he doing with the chair?... oh yeah Hawke's not hear to banter back.
He holds it high in the air, and slams the edge off the ground as he motions for Jeffrey to rise.
The Vicious One comes to his feet to the delight of the fans, and Donzig charges in swinging the chair like a battle axe so the edge of the legs snap across Viper's head. Blood flows, and Viper falls back against the barrier. Donzig grabs the edge, and slams it into his gut once, twice, a third time.
Viper is in trouble, leaning hard on the barrier before Donzig draws back before charging back in with the chair over his head. And Viper grabs the chair, shoving Donzig back before he cracks it across his head. The fans cheer, and Viper waves the chair at Sinclair before he turns back to Donzig.
Randy: So cocky and arrogant.
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): Ho hum this match isn't technical enough for me.
Randy: Well it's a deathmatch dummy, why be technical when you can be violent?
He slams the chair across his back again, and then he moves back before tossing it aside. He grabs Donzig, dropping him across the barrier which the fans at ringside love! Donzig sprawls, and Viper grabs him again to fling him at the barrier before Donzig flips across it to crash into the front row of the crowd.
The fans explode, and Jeffrey Viper lifts his arms in triumph before he starts to climb over the barricade. Sinclair grabs him, jerking him away from the barrier before delivering a hard slap that rocks Viper backwards. And then she draws back her head, and lunges forward to unleash the Black Mist!
Randy: Black mist! Black mist!
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): There's the dirty work I like to see!
But Viper ducks, and Sinclair catches a fan who screams as they fall back grabbing at their face. She looks shocked, and turns to be dropped by a hard shove from Viper who just laughs at her before he is grabbed by Donzig who yanks him backwards over the barricade by the throat! The fans are going wild, and Donzig headbutts the back of Viper's head a few times before waving the fans aside.
They wisely scatter, and Donzig flings Jeffrey Viper through the first row of chairs with an explosion of falling chairs.
Viper lays in a heap, and the fans are chanting as Donzig climbs over the barrier again. He jerks his head at Sinclair, who digs under the ring to produce a kendo stick. Donzig snaps it through the air a few times, cracking it against the side of the apron. Jeffrey Viper meanwhile staggers from the crowd, and yelps as his fingers are cracked by the kendo stick as he goes to pull himself over.
Randy: Oof, did you hear that Hawke?
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): That sounded just vicious!
Randy: Vicious Viper taking a vicious strike!
Donzig charges in, snapping the stick across Viper's blood streaked head a few times before he draws back to charge in with it like a lance. The place erups as Viper hangs across the barrier, and Donzig flings the stick aside before ripping Viper over it.
He stands over Viper, arms spread wide as he mocks the fans with a few yells. Then he goes to grab Viper, but Jeffrey hits the low blow! The Scourge doubles over, stumbling a few steps before Viper grabs the kendo stick to snap it across Donzig's back and head as the fans eat it up.
Donzig is covered in welts, bleeding before Jeffrey Viper holds up the stick. Sinclair Godfrey grabs it, yanking it from his hands before he points a finger in his face as she starts talking trash. Yelling at the smirking Viper, who mouths 'You're kind of hot when you're mad.'
Sinclair blinks, and her eyes blaze with fury as she takes a step closer with that stick.
Viper shrugs, the mics barely picking it up.
Viper: Not as hot as Eli evidently, but..
Sinclair swings, and Viper dives aside so the kendo stick cracks like thunder across the face of Donzig. The places explodes with cheers as Sinclair drops the stick, covering her mouth in dismay as she shakes her head.
Viper laughs in her face, leaning against the barrier as the fans fawn and leer over him. Sinclair grits her teeth, and then lifts the kendo stick again to swing it over her head. But someone grabs it, throwing it away as she turns to find herself face to face with Dave, Viper's love interest!
The fans explode, and begin to sing.
Crowd: Do you want to have Butt Sex?
Viper urges them on waving his hands like a conductor. Dave meanwhile starts slapping and screaming at Sinclair, who after a look of disbelief starts to fire back. Sinclair finally grabbing Dave, but he fights back and they tumble into the crowd.
The pair brawl, and Viper just watches before he turns to see Donzig rising with a look of confusion and rage on his blood streaked face. The Scourge's nose maybe broken, and he licks his lips before he mutters.
Donzig: Kirsten Bell is a national treasure, you son of a bitch.
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): I agree!
Viper looks stunned as Donzig charges at him, but manages to fling him into the barricade. Donzig comes off, and Viper grabs him to spin him around whipping him at the stairs! The thing comes apart in a crash of metal, and the fans cheer. Viper shakes his head, digging under the ring to produce a can of fuel and a lighter.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY HIT!
Viper waved the announcers away from the spanish announce table. Throwing papers and screens aside before he held the can high before he sprayed it all over the thing. Then he lit the lighter, dropping it! Flames erupted, fire burning brightly before he grabbed the rising Donzig to bounce his head off the other announce table. Then he dragged him onto it, pulling him upright as the fire kept burning!
He was clearly looking for a powerbomb, but Donzig lunged forward with a snarl at the last minute! And both men crash through the burning announce table, fire bellowing outward as they sprawled for a minute as the fans were losing it!
The referee is looking horrified, but Donzig rolls over before climbing back to his feet. Pulling himself up the barricade, and he spits before he delivers a few stomps to Jeffrey before he hauls him upwards to deliver chop after chop against the barricade. Then he flings him towards the ring, Jeffrey hits the apron and falls to the ground.
Donzig looks around wildly, burned red and dripping blood before he tugs at his beard before he grabs the mat. He rips it upwards flinging it aside to expose the cement beneath, and he turns with malice on his mind.
Randy: Donzig with evil things on his mind.
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): Watch out watch out WATCH OUT!
But Viper lunges forward, hitting a huge spear that sends Donzig and sprawling against the barricade. Jeffrey comes up, lifting his arms in triumph as blood runs down his face before he grabs a fan to rip the Jeffrey Viper t-shirt from his head that reads 'Property of Viper'. He drapes it across Donzig's head before jerking him upwards, using the shirt to blind him as he starts punching. Donzig flails, and Jeffre yanks the shirt and his head downward to drive a few stiff knees into his face.
The fans are loving it, and Viper pauses to pose for a selfie!
Randy (doing a Hawke impression): People shouldn't take selfies he might have covid!
Randy: If he has covid Mongo wouldn't let him be here!
Donzig gets free, staring at the shirt before he grabs at Viper! Wrapping it around his throat, choking him as he screams and curses at the fans! Posing for a few selfies of his own, before dragging Viper around the ring by the crude noose!
He returns to the bare batch of cement, something unpleasant in mind as he releases the t-shirt to let Viper fall to his knees. He licked his lips, and then called for a DDT but Viper shoved him back to stagger free. He came in swinging, but Donzig planted a boot in his stomach to hit the Event Horizon!
Viper dropped and the fans groaned as Donzig flipped them off, snarling insults before he grabbed a headset from the announce team to go off.
Donzig: All of you fucking rabble, you fucking peasants in the cheap seats! You all love this slob because he is just like you! A fucking redneck son of a bitch, a degenerate, eh? I am going to fucking flay him! Do you get that?
The headset was tossed aside, and Donzig stomped towards the ring. Viper climbed inside of the ring, bleeding and shaking his head as he rose to his feet. Donzig grabbed a velvet bag, and he held it up before he rolled inside. And Viper ran at him, hitting a few solid knees before Donzig shoved him back.
Then he hit a rising clothesline that turned Viper inside out, and the fans booed as Donzig dumped the bag across the mat leaving glittering thumbtacks all over it before he spat. He licked his lips, smearing blood across his face as he wiped it. Then he grabbed the rising Viper, throwing him at the ropes once more before catching him with a huge spinebuster onto the tacks!
The fans groaned, and a chant of 'XHF! XHF! XHF!' rang out as Viper arched on the mat, rolling around in pain as his back was covered in tacks. Donzig had a few tacks as well, but he just laughed before he went for the pin.
1....
2....
.....Donzig lifted Viper, staring at the ref before he wagged a finger laughing as blood ran over his face.
Donzig: No, no, no!
He dropped Viper again, and rolled from the ring to dig under it once more before coming back up with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. He held it high, laughing insanely once more before he went back inside.
Viper was crawling across the ring, tacks and blood covering his back before Donzig started to lay into him with the bat. Ripping and tearing at him, grinding it in before he jerked it away to batter away some more.
Jeffrey was a mess, and Donzig sneered as he walked around the ring with the bat held high. He mocked the fans, then motined to Bonnie Jenkins for a mic as he watched the feebly moving Jeffrey Viper as he growled into it.
Donzig: Everytime you fuckers boo!? I will hit him again, I don't give two shits who likes it! I run this shit now, eh?
He turned, and was caught by a full on Shoulder to Die on! Donzig's mic and baseball bar went flying, bouncing across the mat as he crashed down on the tacks! The Scourge was the one rolling in pain now, and Viper made a sloppy cover!
1....
2...
KICKOUT!
The fans groan, and Viper shakes his head as he falls to the side. Both men are sprawled on the mat, and Viper grabs the bat to push himself upwards with it. Donzig rolls to his hands and knees, staring at him before he sits back.
Viper is up first, and cracks the bat across Donzig's gut as he rises. And the Scourge falls to the mat, Viper pounces putting the barbed wire across his face as he yanks backwards in a crossface! The fans cheer, and Donzig struggles to escape as he pulls himself across the mat. No rope break, and Donzig finally gets his hands up to push the bat away!
Viper is on his feet, and lifts the bat over his head to swing at the rising Donzig, but Donzig catches the bat to tear it away. He flings it aside, and snarls before he plants a boot in Viper's stomach before locking up his arms for a double arm DDT onto the tacks! He makes a pin attempt, laying on tacks as he waits for the ref.
1....
2...
3!!!
The bell rings and Donzig stands victorious! He jumps and cheers!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match, DONZIIIIIIIIIG!
Hawke: Okay. I'm back. What did I miss?
Randy: The deathmatch!
Hawke: Oh goodie.
Randy: I hate you dude.
Hawke: Folks, we are about to hand the reigns off to the commentary team of one of the newest acquisitions of the XHF Network, Phoenix Pro!
Randy: Formerly known as JCPW, these guys are all about longevity. It'll be great to see what they bring to the table.
Hawke: Without further ado, let's cut to their table!
We cut back from the Phoenix Pro team to Hawke and Randy.
Randy: What a match! Had me on the edge of my seat!
Hawke: And that folks is what the XHF is all about! Great wrestling! Welcome to the umbrella, Phoenix Pro!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a LIGHTS OUT match for the NEW XHF Phoen- Faunix championship... I thought they were just mispronouncing it, but that’s how it’s spelt on the cue card. And what do they mean new?
Before Bonnie can discover that GUNS got the Phoenix champion murdered by a bear, then to avoid giving the belt back to the XHF ran a body double in Wombat who was also murdered by a bear, so are now on their second fake Phoenix title – Girl Talk’s mix of Black Sabbath’s War Pigs and Ludacris’ Move Bitch -
“Oh No” starts pumping over the PA system.
Bonnie Jenkins: ...entering first the challenger, allegedly still part of FIRESIDE WRESTLING-
Voice Behind Curtains: THEY ARE MY HOMEBASE FEEDING GROUNDS!
Bonnie Jenkins: ...Standing at 7’4”, and weighing in at 320lbs, coming to us from the La Brea Tar Pits, in Los Angeles, California...
THE DREAD LORD-
DINOSAUR BONESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
Pushing through the curtains – and almost knocking one of them off, is the hulking dracolich. In honour of the special occasion, Dinosaur Bones is decked out in the upper half of a powder blue tuxedo, complete with top hat. The massive tail makes pants out of the question, as a result he wears the half suit like a Donald Duck. So that this sophisticated look doesn’t call into question how tough he is, Bones holds a giant chainsaw with his tiny arms. The audience flee as he threatens to, and frequently hits, the guardrail with his uncoordinated chainsaw spins. On Bones back rides his partner in crime, Lord Dominicus. The greatest champion in the history of NPW hangs onto Bones’ neck like his life depended on it... because it does. Accidentally getting bucked could mean landing on a chainsaw, and being Dominiviscerated.
Hawke: How do you like that? Despite having one of the biggest matches of his career later tonight, Lord Dominicus still coming out to support his trusty steed.
Randy: Naturally, LD wants all the XHF branded titles transported to the Dominicus Republic tonight. If Big Bone weighed less, he’d be making a run at Sanderson.
Rather than try to get his tail over the top rope, The Dread Lord just cuts the ropes down.
Hawke: Ring crew on hand to replace those ropes before the next match. So the arena lights have been wired to go out with the entrance of the champ?
Randy: I wonder what jerk Magnus is going to sucker into being Fury tonight. He actually tried to talk Nelly into it. Like Nelly has the acting chops to be anyone other than Nelly.
Hawke: Playing Fury?
Randy: Nevermind.
Bonnie Jenkins: And the champion – standing at 6’3”, and weighing in at 275lbs- hailing from Akron, Ohio – THE XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION-
THE BUCKEYE BRUISER-
REDMOND FURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!
“Whatta Man” by Salt’N’Pepa pumps over the PA system as a stick pokes out the top of the entrance curtains with a bottle attached to it.
Hawke: Is that a bottle?
Randy: That’s Super Sake Double Dry Premium! That’s the good stuff! It’s the only bottle that Super Sake won’t comp us.
Seconds after the bottle enters the arena via string attached to pole, Redmond Fury staggers out after it. At least Kris Quake wearing a Redmond Fury costume. The recent Sakura League winner seems so drunk that he can barely stand upright, but he is following the floating bottle. Behind this fake Fury, Magnus holds a fishing pole – dangling the premium double dry Super Sake just out of Quake’s reach – leading him towards the ring.
Randy: DAMN IT! What the hell is Magnus thinking?
Magnus lets the bottle drop into the ring at Dinosaur Bones feet. Tunnel vision focused on the booze over the undead reptile with a chainsaw, Quake Fury starts to crawl into the ring. Spotting Bonnie’s puzzled expression, Magnus V-lines for the announcer booth.
Randy: You’re going to get him killed!
Randy pushes past Magnus, running towards the human sacrifice that is about to occur in the ring. As Bonnie approaches him, Magnus leaps into Randy’s chair.
Magnus: Sorry Bonnie, can’t talk, looks like I have to sub in for Randy. Pro that I am! And LIGHTS OUT!
Pulling out a walkie-talkie, Magnus’ order plunges the arena into darkness.
XHF NEW FAUENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
Lights Out Match
"Definitely" Redmond Fauxury (Kris "Triple Quake) (c) vs "Hungry" Dinosaur Bones
Randy: OUCH!
Hawke: It sounds like Randy bumped into the steel steps on the way to saving –was that Quake?
Magnus: I have no idea what you’re talking about! We’re here to watch- listen- to the great Redmond Fury defend his Phoenix championship against Dinosaur Bones! If Off the Wagon have shown up, I’m sure it’s only to support their fellow GUNS superstar and keep that nefarious fiend Lord Dominicus from interfering on Bones’ behalf.
Hawke: I can barely make out shapes, ringside is pitch black – but I’m pretty sure Lord Dominicus only came out for the entrance.
Magnus: Not at all! Fury and the Off the Wagon boys taking on Bones and LD – Those DominiDudes with Attitude - – talk about a match made in hell! Now that would mean that Quake and Fury were in the ring at the same time, and Quake couldn’t be Fur-
Lord Dominicus: OUCH!
Hawke: Yup, LD stubbing his toe on the steel steps, no doubt on his way to the back.
Magnus: Well even if it’s three on one, once Bones finds the competition he’ll eat through them till it’s a singles match again. Which I’m sure GUNS will win.
Hawke: There sure is a lot of stomping around in the ring. It sounds really competitive, I wish we could see it.
Magnus: That reminds me – with Randy now at ringside, fans shouldn’t use lighters to try to make out the action. He breathes the wrong way and this whole arena could go up in flames.
Randy: OUCH!
Magnus: We had no choice but to make it a lights out match, the levels of violence currently going on inside that ring have never been witnessed in a wrestling match before. Mark my words, it’s a stomach churning blood bath, the kind that harden homicide detectives witness moments before taking their own lives. I’m talking gruesome.
Hawke: Randy definitely stubbed his toe again.
MEANWHILE INSIDE A BEAR.
“FUCK. MOSLER.”
Distant cursing wakes Fury up from his dream. Redmond Fury opens his eyes to find his massive frame under the satin sheets of a king sized bed. The wounds obtained from Aiden Merric, the nasty infection, have been treated – and his arm is heavily bandaged up. A nurse looks over at him.
XHF George “The Animal” Steele: SUCK OUT POISON.
The nurse sticks out his green tongue to illustrate the point, before wandering away. The room is well furnished and clean. Not a five star hotel, but maybe three? Certainly not the type of architecture you expect to find within a grizzly bear. Redmond Fury wonders if he died from the fever. Drawing the curtains on the window next to his bed, the view is pink and slimy – nope, still inside the bear. Fury slowly starts to rise, as his Bearskin guardian, Dirty Byrd, enters to greet him.
Dirty Byrd: Welcome back champ – thought we lost you for a second there.
Redmond Fury: Still ticking, thanks. Where exactly are we, Byrd?
Dirty Byrd: The Intercontinental. Ritzy place that the old guard set-up. I don’t mind telling you it was a bitch for XHF Shockmaster to drag you here.
The two step out into a large foyer where a half dozen familiar faces are going about there own activities. It is at this moment that Fury notices that the structure has functioning lights.
Redmond Fury: That was very kind of him. So, this place has power?
XHF Tito Santana: FUCK. STEVE. (looking up from his laptop) Welcome amigo. Yes, this whole place is running off Martel’s electric personality. (pointing at a television set in the corner) We even have the pay per view.
Redmond Fury (looking at the black screen): It isn’t on though?
XHF Rick Martel (turning up volume on television): Oh it’s on, they are just having a lights out match... or a first person perspective blindfold match. I haven’t been following too closely.
Magnus: (voice from TV): Unbelievable! The entire Fireside roster trying to help Bones win, and the entire GUNS locker room running to Fury’s aid! Who’d have thought this title match would see such open fed warfare? There must be 60 wrestlers in the ring!
Hawke: I’m only hearing the same three stomping around. Are you sure Fireside is there?
Magnus: Are you accusing me of lying?
Hawke: I can’t see a thing. I just think I’d hear an army at ringside. If you want to claim GUNS support, that’s one thing but Fireside can get litigious about misrepresentation.
Magnus: I’d like to see them prove that-
Hawke: Do you really want to declare war on Fireside?
Magnus: Oh wow! Listen to that – all the Fireside and GUNS rosters walking away.
Hawke: That’s probably safer, I wouldn’t stretch the truth on rival promotions.
Magnus: What, I’m not lying – I can see it all with my night vision goggles.
Hawke: Really? Oh, neat. Can I try them?
Magnus: ...um... no. They are very sensitive.
Redmond Fury: Well this is fantastic. Given how resourceful you hall of famers are, I’m surprised you’re still in here.
XHF Greg Valentine: We’re waiting out the pandemic. At our age, this just seems safer in here.
XHF Don Muraco: Besides, the Bear provides everything we could want.
Magnus: Almost everyone has left the official participants, but I see with my night vision goggles that Venom and Dylan Black are still going at it! What an amazing match! Normally I’d be concerned about giving away that fight of the century on non-GUNS programming – but I just wanted to point out, since no one can see it, that Venom is actually Wombat possessed by Venom.
Hawke: I thought he was eaten by a bear-
Magnus: No, this is proof that Wombat, just like Redmond Fury, is not bear food but very much alive and still active-
Redmond Fury: ..what?
The XHF Phoenix champion approaches the black television set.
Magnus: Remember when we thought Fury had been eaten? But we can all see that was just a wild rumour. An angle. Only marks thought that was real.
Redmond Fury: ...They didn’t mount a rescue mission? Or funeral? They aren’t looking for me. They, they no sold it...
XHF Tito Santana: Hey turn that down, I need quiet so I can record these videos. (looking into his laptop) This is WWE Hall of Famer Tito Santana… I’m in the holiday spirit... I’m not too crazy about giving this shout out... because I’m going to do something that I usually don’t do... BUT... I am Tito Santana and I have a message for the XHF Network. FUCK. MONGO. ...Thank you. This is... from Cross... Re Ko Baaa. Arriba!
Redmond Fury: What are you doing?
XHF Tito Santana: Recording cameo messages for my fans. If I do them all in one quick shot, its okay money. The bear provides, but it’s important to have a side hustle.
Dirty Byrd: B. Brian Blair keeps beehives for his gourmet honey line.
Redmond Fury: If you have internet, can I get a message out of the bear?
XHF Tito Santana: Sorry amigo. The signal is weak, and I have a good sixty of these messages to get out a day.
Redmond Fury: I understand – its just – it would really help me- but, I get it...
XHF Tito Santana (back to laptop): This is WWE Hall of Famer Tito Santana… I’m in the holiday spirit... I’m not too crazy about giving this shout out... because I’m going to do something that I usually don’t do... BUT... I am Tito Santana and I have a message for the XHF Network. FUCK. BAILEY. ...Thank you. This is... from Congo... Arriba!
Redmond Fury: Aren’t you worried that people are using you to cyber bully folks. Imagine that this Mongo or Bailey is an impressionable child who is huge fan of yours, and someone is paying you to insult them-
XHF Tito Santana: These are clearly friends just joshing one another. (to byrd) I thought you said he was cool?
Dirty Byrd: He is! He is! (giving Fury a dirty look) Red, you’re embarrassing me.
XHF Tito Santana: This is WWE Hall of Famer Tito Santana… I’m in the holiday spirit... I’m not too crazy about giving this shout out... because I’m going to do something that I usually don’t do... BUT... I am Tito Santana and I have a message for the XHF Network. FUCK. CAFFRE-
Redmond Fury: You say you don’t do it often, or want to swear at them, but you seem to be doing it a lot. I know you don’t mean to bully anyone, but these people who are hiring you, it doesn’t sound like harmless teasing or good fun-
XHF Tito Santana: THAT’S IT- don’t fuck with my cameo!
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
INSIDE A BEAR
“The Buckeye Bruiser” Redmond Fury (c) vs Strike Force (XHF Tito Santana & XHF Rick Martel)
INSIDE A BEAR
“The Buckeye Bruiser” Redmond Fury (c) vs Strike Force (XHF Tito Santana & XHF Rick Martel)
Redmond Fury: Now hang on-
Before Fury can make peace, Santana has grabbed his outstretched hand and turned it into a wristlock. With a clear strength advantage, the larger Fury quickly twists it into a wristlock of his own, but hopes not to apply pressure because he’d rather not rough up the former IC champions after they were kind enough to mend his wounds. Such wishful thinking leaves him open to a schoolboy by Martel, which referee Dirty Byrd happily counts.
ONE!
Redmond Fury: Stop encouraging them!
Dirty Byrd: They have a fully stocked bar, and I want to come back here. Who cares what children Tito cyber bullies to death?
Fury shoves Martel off him in time to eat a dropkick to the face by Santana. Martel applies a figure-four leglock, while Santana tears the freshly applied dressed off of Fury’s arm. Martel grabs the legs of a club chair to apply more pressure with his figure four, while Santana stomps away at Fury’s midsection. An elbowsmash knocks Santana back into a leather couch. Sitting up, Fury tries to punch Martel, but the Model leans back keeping his distance. Bouncing back from the couch, Santana comes in with a kneedrop to Fury’s arm. Fighting through the pain, Fury fires off a headbutt that again sends Santana crashing into some extremely comfortable looking high-end furniture. Grabbing a fistful of the gauze that used to be wrapped around his arm, Fury lassos it forwards, looping it around Martel’s neck and pulling him into a roundhouse right. The shot is strong enough for Martel to give up on the figure four.
Hawke: Something is touching my leg under the table...
Martel has fallen onto the volume controller of the television, so that the commentary on Supremacy bleeds into this spirited Bear contest.
Magnus: Well it’s not me-
Hawke: Please use your night goggles to figure it out, this is very unnerving!
Magnus: Wouldn’t you know it; they are all out of batteries.
Tito Santana dives off a table, landing on Fury with a running crossbody. Only Byrd is too busy at the fully stocked bar enjoying a Premium double dry Super Sake. Realizing he’s out of position, Byrd hurriedly comes back to the match trying not to spill his drink.
ONE!
T-
Fury throws Santana off him with such force that the legend knocks over his table, including his laptop. Fury starts to rise, only to be caught by Martel with a thrust kick to the chest. The Buckeye Bruiser continues to rise, absorbing more kicks. By the time Fury’s up to his feet, Martel is begging off towards the bar. Fury seems willing to let bygones be bygones, when Santana catches him from behind with a kneelift – sending him into Martel, who promptly smashes a wine bottle over of the champion’s head. Fury knocks Martel down with an instinctive Bicep Bop before staggering backwards into Santana’s El Paso de la Muerte.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Fury somehow manages to get a shoulder up. Ready to swear up a storm and wishing his laptop camera was on for all the people he could tell to fuck themselves, Santana hoists Fury up for a backbreaker – with Martel leaping off the bar with a kneedrop whie Fury lays prone across Santana’s knee. This time it’s the French Candian’s time to cover-
ONE!
TWO!
THREEEEEEEEEE-
Fury again gets a shoulder up. Martel applies a Boston crab, while Santana stands on Redmond’s face – grinding the buckeye bruiser’s mug into the marble floor.
Dirty Byrd: Do you quit?
Byrd almost falls over trying to avoid Fury’s grasp. Unable to strangle his associate slash referee, Fury instead reaches up grabbing Santana’s ankle – yanking Tito off him, and then swinging him like a club to loosen the Boston Crab.
Hawke: Okay mystery solved, I recognize that snoring. Quake appears to be under the announce table.
Magnus: Seems to be sleeping one off. I told you Quake wasn’t dressed as Fury.
Hawke: But doesn’t this mean Randy is alone in the ring with Bones?
Magnus: ...Nah, the real and alive Fury is in there. ...Or Randy should probably run.
Redmond Fury nails Santana with The Dust Off- slamming him down on the Persian carpet, before hooking a leg.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Martel breaks the pin with a slingshot splash- again going for the pin.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-
Fury gets a shoulder up. Frustrated, Martel tries to get Santana to wake up in between hitting Fury with a Gutwrench suplex. Santana looks dazed. Martel hits a double underhook suplex, which knocks over B. Brian Blair’s beehive. The insects are slow to react, but with a new sense of urgency, Martel finally wakes Santana. Strike Force hit a double spinning spinebuster which looks way cooler than it sounds. Martel tries to dissuade the bees from escaping their nest, while Santana makes the pin-
ONE!
TWO!
THREE?
Fury again kicks out. Going for broke, Santana yells something to Martel. The French Canadian half of strike force starts to lift Fury up for a scoop slam, while Santana winds up for a flying forearm. Fury predictably ducks, leaving Santana to knock Martel out. Sadly, with Martel unconscious his electric personality can no longer power The Intercontinental which goes black.
Dirty Byrd: What happened to the lights? This is just like that Supremacy match I was watching. A double Lights Out match? Talk about kismet. Am I right? Sorry Tito, I can’t see anything to count your covers-
The front door of the four-story mansion in the middle of the bear’s leg suddenly explodes, as Fury throws Martel through it with a Buckeye Shot. While the interior of the house is dark, there is some faint pink light in the bear’s cavernous insides. A second later, Fury drags Santana out, applying the Buckeye Breeze. Santana lands on the veranda, where Fury promptly covers him.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Dirty Byrd hits a pan with his penny whistle for the DING DING DING.
Dirty Byrd: The winner of this match and STILL XHF Phoenix Champion-
Byrd suddenly notices the dozen other 80s IC and Tag specialists that don’t look too happy that their home was destroyed.
Dirty Byrd: redmondfury. Well, thanks for having us gotta go.
Redmond Fury: I’m very sorry about this-
Fury starts to bow in condolence, when Byrd grabs him by the bloody arm and drags him off. Might as well save that Valentine defence for Night of Champions.
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE BEAR!
Hawke: Maybe Randy is still alive? Or the match ended and we just don’t know because the lights are out?
Magnus: Good point. How can the referee even see to count the pins? Who came up with this stipulation? It seems as ill advised as an empty arena match. DAMN IT! Why didn’t we insist on an empty arena match?
Hawke: Hindsight.
Magnus: We’ll save that little get out of jail free card for a rainy day. In the mean time, we should probably check on things. LIGHTS ON!
Screaming into his walkie-talkie, the house lights once again return. Quake dressed as Fury is sleeping under the announce booth. Randy Angel is hiding behind some steel steps, having used Super Sake regular bottles to build effigies of himself. Bones has bitten the heads off of twenty-seven of these fake Randy statues, and is starting to feel the effects of the booze.
DINOSAUR BONES: ...YOU APES ARE OKAY...
A second Redmond Fury jumps out of the audience, charging into the ring, bringing a championship belt across the leg bone of the inebriated Dinosaur Bones for a chop block. A second takes the beast over. He may just be tipsy.
Magnus: Is that the real Redmond Fury?
Hawke: What do you mean REAL Fury?
Magnus: ...Watch GUNS.
Rather than press the offense on the clearly drunk dracolich, this Fury pulls out a microphone.
Redmond Fury?: There have been a lot of fake Phoenix titles floating around since I was eaten by a bear, but I'm here to set the record straight... the only XHF Phoenix belt that matters is the one that Greg Adkins rightfully won in the Corn Maze! Regardless of what those blind officials say.
Magnus: OH, it's just Greg.
Hawke: Wait, how can you tell?
Gregmond FAdkinury: It is only right that XHF officials recognize Greg's title claim since Fury is definitely de-
Magnus: Don’t like where this is going. RELEASE THE BEAR!
Out of the back bounds UrsusLa- GUNS man-eating grizzly bear.
Magnus: She has a taste for all things Fury.
Hawke: How do you know that?
Magnus: Nevermind.
Realizing that the bear associates his Fury outfit with food, Greg Adkins starts desperately ripping it off.
Magnus: Well that backfired horribly - KILL THE LIGHTS!
The lights go out again.
Magnus: LIGHTS ON!
The lights return, and Ursula is in the ring, a partially constructed Redmond Fury is between the grizzly bear and Bones who is full of liquid courage and feels like eating a bear.
Magnus: Damn it, LIGHTS OFF.
Waits a beat.
Magnus: LIGHTS ON!
When the lights come back on, OTW are drinking under the announce table, Greg Adkins is out of his costume and escaping through the crowd, Dinosaur Bones and Ursula are nowhere to be seen, and a third Redmond Fury stands triumphant in the middle of the ring. This one looks impossibly ripped, and if he is in a costume, he’s almost tearing out of it.
Magnus: It can’t be?
Bonnie Jenkins looks around and talks to the referee for a second, before raising a microphone.
Bonnie Jenkins: As Dinosaur Bones has abandoned this contest, the winner and still NEW Fauenix champion-
Redmond Fury: Not quite.
The third Redmond Fury rips off his plastic face to reveal the monstrous mug of Colossus Rhodes.
Colossus Rhodes: If Fury is still with us, the fool has shown that he is not a fighting champion. So I am here, I wrestled this match. I won. I am your phoenix, whatever name you wish to assign that belt. There are a number of these straps floating around... but Adkins, Wombat, OTW, Magnus, or the bear. Anyone who claims my title, accept annihilation.
Tearing off the rest of the plastic body suit, Colossus Rhodes takes the XHF NEW Fauenix strap from the referee and leaves.
Bonnie Jenkins: Well, there you have it, the winner of this match and NEW Fauenix champion- is Colossus Rhodes even officially in GUNS?
Magnus: What a great match – certainly indicative of the kind of action you can expect from GUNS. Well, good chatting with you Hawke, but with Randy back, I should really run-
Bonnie Jenkins: Not so fast. Where the heck is Fury?
Uh oh. This is the conversation that Magnus has been desperately trying to avoid since October. Fortunately he’s very good at thinking on his feet, and hoping to distract Mongo’s assistant with his devilishly good looks goes for his usual scheme. Reaching into his breast pocket, Magnus pulls out a glass ring, then falls to one knee.
Magnus: Bonnie, will you marry me?
Magnus goes to his usual ploy, much to Bonnie's contempt. Unfortunately this time his ruse is performed in front of an alleged minister.
Jeffrey Viper: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Viper throws rice in Magnus' face.
Bonnie Jenkins: Now wait just a min-
Viper throws rice in Bonnie's face, causing her to choke before her objections can be heard.
Jeffrey Viper: Congratulations.
Viper wanders off to marry more trusting fools. Magnus wipes the rice out of his eyes just in time to see daggers in Bonnie's. With a nervous smile, he turns to the nearest camera.
Magnus: Is Bonnie Jenkins the NEW MRS. MAGNUS? Find out - when the 3rd Season of GUNS resumes!
Bonnie Jenkins: AND WHEN THE FUCK IS THAT?
Magnus runs away.
Hawke: Wow. A match made in heaven, and a match made in hell. What are the odds?
Randy: Where did Bones go? We had him on the ropes. Another 50 Off the Wagon effigies and he'd have lost his lunch!
MEANWHILE, INSIDE A BEAR.
The 80s stars of the WWF as they appeared in the XHF are cleaning up the Intercontinental. Martel reclines on a couch, conscious enough that the hotel once again has power. B. Brian Blair coaxes his bees back into their hive, while George Steele, Brutus Beefcake, The Legion of Doom and Iron Sheik clean up the mess. Suddenly there is a loud rumbling sound.
XHF Greg Valentine: I wonder what the bear ate this time – I sure could go for some Super Sake.
A large object crashes through their roof.
When the dust clears, an angry drunk emerges from the rubble.
DINOSAUR BONES: ...YOU APES THINK YOU’RE SOOOOOOOO SMART...
Screams of terror ring out as your favourite childhood wrestlers are devoured by a murderous dracolich – as The Intercontinental once again goes dark.
