Post by Jonnie Valentine on Feb 11, 2022 5:14:56 GMT -5
The door was old and ornate, covered in a thin layer of dust as it swung open with a squeal of old hinges. And through the door stepped the shirtless figure of Evan Valentine Jr. with his lollipop stick hanging from his lip. He took a deep breath, staring around the dusty hallway, disgusted. He shook his head, staring around at the dust covered furniture some of which was draped in long duct clothes.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Donzig, I can't believe you live like this my dude. I got an A&E crew on the way, but I don't think they're ready for the amount of cat shit you got going on here. You wanna steal my trophy, dog? Homie don't play, I steal your shithole house. For reals, yo.
(Brian Valentine Jr. pokes his head in the room)
Brian Valentine Jr.: Lance doesn't look good, E.
Evan Valentine Jr.: He's fine, Brian.
(Cut to Lance Valentine Jr. behind Brian, wheezing. His skin is turning pink)
Brian Valentine Jr.: He's never been in a place this dank and dirty, man. His diapers were Egyptian cotton.
Evan Valentine Jr.: He's fine...
Brian Valentine Jr.: Two maids were fired for stealing them...
Lance Valentine Jr.: (weakly) i'm…good...i…
Evan Valentine Jr.: See? Lance says he's good.
El Rey: (voice off camera) It's probably the cat hair.
All three Valentines: AHHHH!!!
(El Rey is seated at a throne by the dimly lit dust covered cabinet)
Brian Valentine Jr.: X Crown Champion El Rey!!
El Rey: It is I.
(Evan puts his lollipop back in, trying to slow down his breathing and no sell how scared he was)
Brian Valentine Jr.: Where'd you come from?
El Rey: I go where I am needed.
Brian Valentine Jr.: My brother Lance, see, he's real sick. I think if he could just hold the X Crown...
El Rey: No.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Brian! (takes his lollipop out) What did we talk about, dog?
Brian Valentine Jr.: (ashamed) "Don't bother famous people. I'm like a dog that pisses itself when it meets new people."
Evan Valentine Jr.: Thank you.
El Rey: Look, I'm the same El Rey you guys knew before. It's just now I'm the best wrestler in the World.
Lance Valentine Jr.: Tru dat...(coughs up blood)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Jesus Christ, Lance...I'm sorry, dog.
El Rey: It's cool.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Brian, take him outside.
Brian Valentine Jr.: My bad, E. It's just dirty in here...
Evan Valentine Jr.: Take him outside!
(Brian takes a heaving Lance Valentine Jr. outside, El Rey cringes back so neither of them touch him. Evan puts the lollipop back in)
El Rey: You think Donzig got ringworm from living here?
Evan Valentine Jr.: I think he's just always had ringworm.
(El Rey nods)
Evan Valentine Jr.: And now the floor mats at The Hearth are gonna have it too, because I’m throwin Baldy out. Only marks like battle royals, no cap. I was gonna tell Caff to miss me with that shit because every fed on this mud ball planet is doing one this month. I think Heels has an episode on it this week. But when I heard that stealing, jealous wannabee kingpin Donzig was gonna be in it, I decided to get my trophy back. But don’t think the rest of you are off the hook. Especially the guy that carries Donzig’s bags, Gavin Drake. I’m a show him when you lie with dogs, you get fleas.
El Rey: (flicks his arm) I think I got fleas from that love seat over there.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Matter of fact, I hope they all in there. Sam Sawyer, Eddie Zepp…
El Rey: They were in a match that was billed “Meat Slapping Meat” by the Fireside promotional team!
Evan Valentine Jr.: Fox, Zolotach, Ace Sky, Johnny Five, Dylan…Now, Dylan don’t be thinking about touching me with that metal hand of yours.
El Rey: My man got a phobia about that kinda thing.
Evan Valentine Jr.: For reals, and if I got to get Dr. Joyce, my therapist since I was four years old, to come down to this ring and tell you to your face? Well, that’s just a trip Joyce is gonna have to make.
El Rey: Joyce ain’t coming to Philly, man, be realistic…
(Just then the ceiling partially collapses and a man falls through!! Debris and dry wall are everywhere, and El Rey gets up out of his throne)
El Rey: Sorry, but as X Crown Champion, I can’t be in hazardous situations like this, E. I got a responsibility to the companies that are booking me. They are looking for any reason to take this X Crown off me and all I need is to get crushed by a homeless guy falling out of Donzig’s house…
Evan Valentine Jr.: (trying to calm him down) I know, I know. My bad, I didn’t know Donzig had squatters here, man…
(The middle aged man who fell out of the ceiling gets up and brushes the drywall off his suit)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Yo, man, what you doing in my promo?? You look like a guy who tests Cheez Its in focus groups.
Man: Sorry, I’m a biology teacher over here at Marc Price Middle School and I…
El Rey: Man, is it that bad out there for teachers that you have to squat here?
Teacher: Oh, luckily no. This is where I come to smoke crack.
(Evan and El Rey look at one another)
Teacher: This is where the whole town comes to smoke crack. Sure. Abandoned houses are great places to smoke crack. You know Marty Janetty’s house?
Evan Valentine Jr.: Aw, man. It’s abandoned?
Teacher: No. But it's a spectacular place to smoke crack. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some papers to grade.
(Teacher straightens his tie, whistles as he walks out of the house. Evan turns back to the camera)
Evan Valentine Jr.: All of Fireside is about to meet The Kid and pay for your disrespect. It’s Fireside vs. New Money and I wouldn’t have it any other way, ya buncha corny ass marks. If you breathe, if you blink in Fireside it is because New Money allows it. We got the X Crown Championship, again, and ya’ll still sleeping on us?
El Rey: Not wise.
Evan Valentine Jr.: New Money done swept the awards, and whether I got the trophy or not, I AM the Kingpin of the XHF. If battle royals were any lamer they’d be MYOJIN’s ring music, but I’m gonna win this because it is what Valentines do, it is what New Money does. We outshine everyone else until we are a white hot ball of heat and not even our biggest haters can deny it. Not the losers in the crowd, not the boys in the back, and not the XHF office. My Dad has got a lot of friends in the business, people he made a lot of money in their day and work all over XHF and Fireside as road agents, office guys, and travel people, you name it. Battle royals are a funny business, feel me? You guys don’t have a clue what you have ahead of you because you’re all too dull to think of it first. Ya’ll fighting on airships, staring out towards barren fields, and leaving sad voicemails but you need to be worried about wrestling, and you need to be worried about destiny. I’m getting that tag team title shot, and whoever is left with me is about to get a rocket ship strapped to that ass. Because We New Money And We Were Born For This!
(Lance Valentine Jr. walks in holding a raccoon)
Lance Valentine Jr.: E, I feel better. I found this cat and he loves belly rubs and when I give him little nummies on his..AHHH!!! AHHH!!! AHHH!!!
(The rabid raccoon rips and and bites at Lance’s bankable face as his screams fade to black)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Donzig, I can't believe you live like this my dude. I got an A&E crew on the way, but I don't think they're ready for the amount of cat shit you got going on here. You wanna steal my trophy, dog? Homie don't play, I steal your shithole house. For reals, yo.
(Brian Valentine Jr. pokes his head in the room)
Brian Valentine Jr.: Lance doesn't look good, E.
Evan Valentine Jr.: He's fine, Brian.
(Cut to Lance Valentine Jr. behind Brian, wheezing. His skin is turning pink)
Brian Valentine Jr.: He's never been in a place this dank and dirty, man. His diapers were Egyptian cotton.
Evan Valentine Jr.: He's fine...
Brian Valentine Jr.: Two maids were fired for stealing them...
Lance Valentine Jr.: (weakly) i'm…good...i…
Evan Valentine Jr.: See? Lance says he's good.
El Rey: (voice off camera) It's probably the cat hair.
All three Valentines: AHHHH!!!
(El Rey is seated at a throne by the dimly lit dust covered cabinet)
Brian Valentine Jr.: X Crown Champion El Rey!!
El Rey: It is I.
(Evan puts his lollipop back in, trying to slow down his breathing and no sell how scared he was)
Brian Valentine Jr.: Where'd you come from?
El Rey: I go where I am needed.
Brian Valentine Jr.: My brother Lance, see, he's real sick. I think if he could just hold the X Crown...
El Rey: No.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Brian! (takes his lollipop out) What did we talk about, dog?
Brian Valentine Jr.: (ashamed) "Don't bother famous people. I'm like a dog that pisses itself when it meets new people."
Evan Valentine Jr.: Thank you.
El Rey: Look, I'm the same El Rey you guys knew before. It's just now I'm the best wrestler in the World.
Lance Valentine Jr.: Tru dat...(coughs up blood)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Jesus Christ, Lance...I'm sorry, dog.
El Rey: It's cool.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Brian, take him outside.
Brian Valentine Jr.: My bad, E. It's just dirty in here...
Evan Valentine Jr.: Take him outside!
(Brian takes a heaving Lance Valentine Jr. outside, El Rey cringes back so neither of them touch him. Evan puts the lollipop back in)
El Rey: You think Donzig got ringworm from living here?
Evan Valentine Jr.: I think he's just always had ringworm.
(El Rey nods)
Evan Valentine Jr.: And now the floor mats at The Hearth are gonna have it too, because I’m throwin Baldy out. Only marks like battle royals, no cap. I was gonna tell Caff to miss me with that shit because every fed on this mud ball planet is doing one this month. I think Heels has an episode on it this week. But when I heard that stealing, jealous wannabee kingpin Donzig was gonna be in it, I decided to get my trophy back. But don’t think the rest of you are off the hook. Especially the guy that carries Donzig’s bags, Gavin Drake. I’m a show him when you lie with dogs, you get fleas.
El Rey: (flicks his arm) I think I got fleas from that love seat over there.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Matter of fact, I hope they all in there. Sam Sawyer, Eddie Zepp…
El Rey: They were in a match that was billed “Meat Slapping Meat” by the Fireside promotional team!
Evan Valentine Jr.: Fox, Zolotach, Ace Sky, Johnny Five, Dylan…Now, Dylan don’t be thinking about touching me with that metal hand of yours.
El Rey: My man got a phobia about that kinda thing.
Evan Valentine Jr.: For reals, and if I got to get Dr. Joyce, my therapist since I was four years old, to come down to this ring and tell you to your face? Well, that’s just a trip Joyce is gonna have to make.
El Rey: Joyce ain’t coming to Philly, man, be realistic…
(Just then the ceiling partially collapses and a man falls through!! Debris and dry wall are everywhere, and El Rey gets up out of his throne)
El Rey: Sorry, but as X Crown Champion, I can’t be in hazardous situations like this, E. I got a responsibility to the companies that are booking me. They are looking for any reason to take this X Crown off me and all I need is to get crushed by a homeless guy falling out of Donzig’s house…
Evan Valentine Jr.: (trying to calm him down) I know, I know. My bad, I didn’t know Donzig had squatters here, man…
(The middle aged man who fell out of the ceiling gets up and brushes the drywall off his suit)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Yo, man, what you doing in my promo?? You look like a guy who tests Cheez Its in focus groups.
Man: Sorry, I’m a biology teacher over here at Marc Price Middle School and I…
El Rey: Man, is it that bad out there for teachers that you have to squat here?
Teacher: Oh, luckily no. This is where I come to smoke crack.
(Evan and El Rey look at one another)
Teacher: This is where the whole town comes to smoke crack. Sure. Abandoned houses are great places to smoke crack. You know Marty Janetty’s house?
Evan Valentine Jr.: Aw, man. It’s abandoned?
Teacher: No. But it's a spectacular place to smoke crack. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some papers to grade.
(Teacher straightens his tie, whistles as he walks out of the house. Evan turns back to the camera)
Evan Valentine Jr.: All of Fireside is about to meet The Kid and pay for your disrespect. It’s Fireside vs. New Money and I wouldn’t have it any other way, ya buncha corny ass marks. If you breathe, if you blink in Fireside it is because New Money allows it. We got the X Crown Championship, again, and ya’ll still sleeping on us?
El Rey: Not wise.
Evan Valentine Jr.: New Money done swept the awards, and whether I got the trophy or not, I AM the Kingpin of the XHF. If battle royals were any lamer they’d be MYOJIN’s ring music, but I’m gonna win this because it is what Valentines do, it is what New Money does. We outshine everyone else until we are a white hot ball of heat and not even our biggest haters can deny it. Not the losers in the crowd, not the boys in the back, and not the XHF office. My Dad has got a lot of friends in the business, people he made a lot of money in their day and work all over XHF and Fireside as road agents, office guys, and travel people, you name it. Battle royals are a funny business, feel me? You guys don’t have a clue what you have ahead of you because you’re all too dull to think of it first. Ya’ll fighting on airships, staring out towards barren fields, and leaving sad voicemails but you need to be worried about wrestling, and you need to be worried about destiny. I’m getting that tag team title shot, and whoever is left with me is about to get a rocket ship strapped to that ass. Because We New Money And We Were Born For This!
(Lance Valentine Jr. walks in holding a raccoon)
Lance Valentine Jr.: E, I feel better. I found this cat and he loves belly rubs and when I give him little nummies on his..AHHH!!! AHHH!!! AHHH!!!
(The rabid raccoon rips and and bites at Lance’s bankable face as his screams fade to black)
No X Crown Champions were harmed in the filming of this promo