FML +1 (BR Guest Spotted Dick)
Feb 11, 2022 15:09:04 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz and anthonycaffrey like this
Post by flo on Feb 11, 2022 15:09:04 GMT -5
Our scene opens on Florida Man cutting a promo for another federation...
Florida Man:
...So Chris Sanderson can bitch and moan about losing to a stuffed animal, but if he REALLY thinks that Charles is an inanimate object? Well that just means, I beat Sanderson so badly he couldn't move, then I decided to hand my tag team partner the win. Which is even worse for his pride! Why would I spread the wealth to my Sky Force underlings, you ask? Surely the junior title means more to me than humiliating Sanderson? You'd think that. ...but any strap that Brad Kane had held on three occasions isn't worth the tin it's printed on. Bloodied Fox can act like he got sucker punched in the dark - but if he can't be bothered to hand over the belt in a respectful manner to the REAL champ, maybe I just destabilize the dang thing? Make sure that there are twenty new chum-peons in rapid succession. Mangled vermin can build the belt up all he wants, doesn't pay the gator his due? I'll tear it all down!
Cameraman:
I'm not actually with-
Florida Man:
So yeah, me and Charles bamboozled all them XHF sons of bitches. Sky Force is the thinkin' man's stable. You want a dick joke? Bang Bros got you covered. Prison lecture on proper shiv handling? E.V.E. has your back. But for the SMARTS, we got a dang cat in the brain! Y'all vote for those Cringey Bottomed bastards, like American Pussy isn't the greatest tag team of the year. Whatcha smokin' and can I gets some? American Pussy is the gold standard. Trouble in paradise? Ha! Me and Charles are on a whole other level. We played you all for saps. Except that Rin Kubo... see me & Charles knew what time it was, but Rin? She kind of crossed the line like she wasn't clued into our bluff. These ain't crocodile tears. No, she overstepped her sidekickdom, and there have to be consequences, so I'm kicking Rin out of the Sky Force.
Cameraman:
But Mister Florida, I'm not here for J-
Florida Man:
Charles can still hang out with her, I'm not his boss, just his leader. But those two split a milkshake? You'd better believe Sky Force isn't picking up the bill no more. Kubo is persona non gra-
Cameraman:
I really-
Florida Man:
What? I'm trying to prop up American Pussy as the greatest tag team in the XHF-
Cameraman:
I'm actually here with Fireside.
Beat.
Florida Man:
Oh.
OH.
Florida Man:
Well, I knew this day would come. Philly is a proud part of north Florida. What all they gots me doing? Don't tell me I'm challenging Charles for the junior strap, because like Myojin before me, I've moved onto the X*Crown. Eating my greens and bulking up. Everyone knows the junior strap is just a transition to the X*Crown, ask anyone but Fox.
Cameraman:
You signed up for the C.O.C.K. Battle Royale. The last two participants become a tag team-
Florida Man:
Tag team? Didn't you just hear me tell you that Charles is my ride and die? I'm already in a successful tag team. It wins singles titles, which are more popular than tag titles, which stands to reason that we're the best tag team. You don't see Bang Bros picking up singles glory as a tag team, do you? Me and Charles are where it's at! Why on earth would I compete in a battle royal for a new partner?
Cameraman:
You signed up for it-
Florida Man:
I sign up for plenty of things. See my organ donor card? Where the fuck 'm I gonna get a piano? Rob a church? Okay, let's go.
The camera follows as Florida Man stalks down a wealthy neighbourhood, the Gorn faced luchador scoping joints out, in case one of them is a house of god.
Florida Man:
Fireside. That the one where the owner has an issue with gators? Like I was a walking table. I'm surprised they accepted my signature. Most banks won't. See I see a battle royal as a way to knock out twenty dudes, and let everyone know come the rumble? I'm the lizard to beat. But winning Kanyon's cock? Is that like Hyperion's Trident? Do I keep it on my mantle until next year? Polish it for wishes? Wish it was bigger. Or the golden wang just represents a title shot? For me to want to form a tag team without Charles, it'd have to be like a dream partner...
Cameraman:
Is there anyone that fits that bill?
Florida Man:
Maybe there is...
Eyeing a particularly large mansion, Florida Man sneaks across the front lawn like Solid Snake - riding his bike, The Ultimate Warrior.
Ultimate Warrior:
*SNARL*
Florida Man:
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.
The greatest junior heavyweight champion in the history of the XHF, by pound, shoots his bicycle a dirty look for not being sneaky enough.
Ultimate Warrior:
*DING*
The bike rings the little bell on his massive arm by way of apology. It's hard to stay angry at the Ultimate Warrior, mainly for fear of the steroid psychosis. Who wants their head burst like a pimple by a little girl's bike? Leaving his wheels by the backdoor, Florida Man picks the lock with an American Express card. He never leaves home without it.
Camerman:
So are we done here?
Grabbing the videographer by the neck, Florida Man drags his burglar accomplice into the mansion.
Florida Man:
Sky Force. American Pussy. Costco. Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Jim Lee's 1992 X-Men after I see the error of Magneto's ways. What other team would I want to be on?
As they stumble through the darkened house, Florida Man picks up souvenirs with a large burlap sack. Keepsakes so he can remember all the good times he had with that Fireside camera crew. Those were the days.
Florida Man:
I guess I could be on the Miami Dolphins- but do you think Mike McDaniel would ever let this humble Sunshine State Son be the star quarterback?
The two start climbing stairs to the second floor.
Florida Man:
Even if he did, I doubt that cheapskate Chris Grier would match my J-RoK salary. So many stumbling blocks between this Motherluvin' Florida Man and his boyhood dream. No, to traverse the deadly politics and hateful anti-Floridian vibes, I'd need some sort of in- like a team legend vouching for me as the greatest player he'd ever seen.
Florida Man kicks open the door to the master bedroom, where Dan Marino is waiting, holding a poker in a defensive manner.
Dan Marino:
I've called the police-
Florida Man:
I never took you for a narc, Mister Marino. Dan. I'm just a big fan, who came to give you this petition-
Florida Man throws a large stack of paperwork next to Marino's bed.
Florida Man:
Twenty one thousand signatures of people that think Ace Ventura was disgusting, and the only way to make-up for your part in that grotesque transphobia is teaming with your boy, Florida, as professional wrestlers.
Dan Marino:
Look, if I didn't take that role they would have just set it in Philly and cast Randall Cunningham instead. I was trying to help local business. So I understand that some of the jokes in Ace Ventura have not aged well, and I apologize to anyone who was hurt, especially impressionable fans of mine, but I'm too old to start professional wrestling. Now, there are appropriate ways to go about getting these to me- and this wasn't it. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Florida Man (to camera):
Plan B.
Dan Marino:
No, seriou-
Before Marino can swing, Florida Man has shoved a plush toy covered in chloroform in the NFL great's face. The toy is probably not a cat, because of deadlines.
Cameraman:
I'm really not comfortable-
Before he can object, Florida Man has turned the sleep inducing toy onto the camera, giving it a taste of what Dan Marino got.
FADE TO BLACK.
...
FADE IN.
Dan Marino slowly comes to, it takes some time for his eyes to adjust to the light. He finds himself on the floor of a dingy basement. At his feet is a hacksaw, and his hand has been shackled to another man. A man dressed like a Gorn.
Florida Man:
*snort* What, who? Where are we? I was asleep. I have been unconscious this whole time, because like you I have no idea where we are.
Dan Marino:
What the hell are you playing at?
Florida Man:
Beats me. I have no idea how I got here, I am as much victim as yourself, please believe me, Dan Marin-er-stranger.
Dan Marino:
Then why are you wearing my super bowl rings?!
Florida Man:
...you wanted me to keep them safe for you, then you decided I looked like an OG pimp with them, so gave them to me as a gift.
Suddenly a dummy appears on a monitor. Specifically a dwarf who is normally painted green, but has added white with red swirls to look more like the mannequin from SAW.
Gazoo:
Would you like to play a game?
Dan Marino:
LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
Gazoo:
You two have been shackled together with titanium handcuffs. The only way to free yourselves is to use that hacksaw to remove your hands... or team up at the FIRESIDE C.O.C.K. Battle Royale as the greatest tag team the continent of Florida has ever produced!
Dan Marino:
You people are fu-
Without thinking twice, Dan Marino decides to cut his own hand off rather than spend anymore time with Florida Man. Seeing that the SAW gambit didn't work, Florida Man shoots Dan Marino in the back with a tranquillizer gun before he can commence with the cutting. The NFL great slumps to the floor. Gazoo steps out of the back, trying to cover the SAW make-up with more green paint.
Gazoo:
Plan F?
Florida Man:
Nah, I think we'll leave the cuffs on. I'll just drag him into the battle royale - by the time we win the dang thing, Dan here will think I'm his best friend and not press charges for kidnapping, forcible confinement, assault, etc. Not only will we win the C.O.C.K., we will beat Bang Bros for the straps, at which point Charles will be so jealous of my friendship with Dan Marino that he'll stop spending time with that lazy douchebag, Rin Kubo. And if I beat Sam Sawyer along the way? Well, I do have an addictive personality.
Gazoo:
Speaking as your life coach-
Dramatic pause.
Gazoo:
Go for it.
Gazoo and Florida Man turn to the camera with a thumbs up for a happy freeze frame.
Ultimate Warrior:
*DING*
Florida Man:
...So Chris Sanderson can bitch and moan about losing to a stuffed animal, but if he REALLY thinks that Charles is an inanimate object? Well that just means, I beat Sanderson so badly he couldn't move, then I decided to hand my tag team partner the win. Which is even worse for his pride! Why would I spread the wealth to my Sky Force underlings, you ask? Surely the junior title means more to me than humiliating Sanderson? You'd think that. ...but any strap that Brad Kane had held on three occasions isn't worth the tin it's printed on. Bloodied Fox can act like he got sucker punched in the dark - but if he can't be bothered to hand over the belt in a respectful manner to the REAL champ, maybe I just destabilize the dang thing? Make sure that there are twenty new chum-peons in rapid succession. Mangled vermin can build the belt up all he wants, doesn't pay the gator his due? I'll tear it all down!
Cameraman:
I'm not actually with-
Florida Man:
So yeah, me and Charles bamboozled all them XHF sons of bitches. Sky Force is the thinkin' man's stable. You want a dick joke? Bang Bros got you covered. Prison lecture on proper shiv handling? E.V.E. has your back. But for the SMARTS, we got a dang cat in the brain! Y'all vote for those Cringey Bottomed bastards, like American Pussy isn't the greatest tag team of the year. Whatcha smokin' and can I gets some? American Pussy is the gold standard. Trouble in paradise? Ha! Me and Charles are on a whole other level. We played you all for saps. Except that Rin Kubo... see me & Charles knew what time it was, but Rin? She kind of crossed the line like she wasn't clued into our bluff. These ain't crocodile tears. No, she overstepped her sidekickdom, and there have to be consequences, so I'm kicking Rin out of the Sky Force.
Cameraman:
But Mister Florida, I'm not here for J-
Florida Man:
Charles can still hang out with her, I'm not his boss, just his leader. But those two split a milkshake? You'd better believe Sky Force isn't picking up the bill no more. Kubo is persona non gra-
Cameraman:
I really-
Florida Man:
What? I'm trying to prop up American Pussy as the greatest tag team in the XHF-
Cameraman:
I'm actually here with Fireside.
Beat.
Florida Man:
Oh.
OH.
Florida Man:
Well, I knew this day would come. Philly is a proud part of north Florida. What all they gots me doing? Don't tell me I'm challenging Charles for the junior strap, because like Myojin before me, I've moved onto the X*Crown. Eating my greens and bulking up. Everyone knows the junior strap is just a transition to the X*Crown, ask anyone but Fox.
Cameraman:
You signed up for the C.O.C.K. Battle Royale. The last two participants become a tag team-
Florida Man:
Tag team? Didn't you just hear me tell you that Charles is my ride and die? I'm already in a successful tag team. It wins singles titles, which are more popular than tag titles, which stands to reason that we're the best tag team. You don't see Bang Bros picking up singles glory as a tag team, do you? Me and Charles are where it's at! Why on earth would I compete in a battle royal for a new partner?
Cameraman:
You signed up for it-
Florida Man:
I sign up for plenty of things. See my organ donor card? Where the fuck 'm I gonna get a piano? Rob a church? Okay, let's go.
The camera follows as Florida Man stalks down a wealthy neighbourhood, the Gorn faced luchador scoping joints out, in case one of them is a house of god.
Florida Man:
Fireside. That the one where the owner has an issue with gators? Like I was a walking table. I'm surprised they accepted my signature. Most banks won't. See I see a battle royal as a way to knock out twenty dudes, and let everyone know come the rumble? I'm the lizard to beat. But winning Kanyon's cock? Is that like Hyperion's Trident? Do I keep it on my mantle until next year? Polish it for wishes? Wish it was bigger. Or the golden wang just represents a title shot? For me to want to form a tag team without Charles, it'd have to be like a dream partner...
Cameraman:
Is there anyone that fits that bill?
Florida Man:
Maybe there is...
Eyeing a particularly large mansion, Florida Man sneaks across the front lawn like Solid Snake - riding his bike, The Ultimate Warrior.
Ultimate Warrior:
*SNARL*
Florida Man:
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.
The greatest junior heavyweight champion in the history of the XHF, by pound, shoots his bicycle a dirty look for not being sneaky enough.
Ultimate Warrior:
*DING*
The bike rings the little bell on his massive arm by way of apology. It's hard to stay angry at the Ultimate Warrior, mainly for fear of the steroid psychosis. Who wants their head burst like a pimple by a little girl's bike? Leaving his wheels by the backdoor, Florida Man picks the lock with an American Express card. He never leaves home without it.
Camerman:
So are we done here?
Grabbing the videographer by the neck, Florida Man drags his burglar accomplice into the mansion.
Florida Man:
Sky Force. American Pussy. Costco. Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Jim Lee's 1992 X-Men after I see the error of Magneto's ways. What other team would I want to be on?
As they stumble through the darkened house, Florida Man picks up souvenirs with a large burlap sack. Keepsakes so he can remember all the good times he had with that Fireside camera crew. Those were the days.
Florida Man:
I guess I could be on the Miami Dolphins- but do you think Mike McDaniel would ever let this humble Sunshine State Son be the star quarterback?
The two start climbing stairs to the second floor.
Florida Man:
Even if he did, I doubt that cheapskate Chris Grier would match my J-RoK salary. So many stumbling blocks between this Motherluvin' Florida Man and his boyhood dream. No, to traverse the deadly politics and hateful anti-Floridian vibes, I'd need some sort of in- like a team legend vouching for me as the greatest player he'd ever seen.
Florida Man kicks open the door to the master bedroom, where Dan Marino is waiting, holding a poker in a defensive manner.
Dan Marino:
I've called the police-
Florida Man:
I never took you for a narc, Mister Marino. Dan. I'm just a big fan, who came to give you this petition-
Florida Man throws a large stack of paperwork next to Marino's bed.
Florida Man:
Twenty one thousand signatures of people that think Ace Ventura was disgusting, and the only way to make-up for your part in that grotesque transphobia is teaming with your boy, Florida, as professional wrestlers.
Dan Marino:
Look, if I didn't take that role they would have just set it in Philly and cast Randall Cunningham instead. I was trying to help local business. So I understand that some of the jokes in Ace Ventura have not aged well, and I apologize to anyone who was hurt, especially impressionable fans of mine, but I'm too old to start professional wrestling. Now, there are appropriate ways to go about getting these to me- and this wasn't it. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Florida Man (to camera):
Plan B.
Dan Marino:
No, seriou-
Before Marino can swing, Florida Man has shoved a plush toy covered in chloroform in the NFL great's face. The toy is probably not a cat, because of deadlines.
Cameraman:
I'm really not comfortable-
Before he can object, Florida Man has turned the sleep inducing toy onto the camera, giving it a taste of what Dan Marino got.
FADE TO BLACK.
...
FADE IN.
Dan Marino slowly comes to, it takes some time for his eyes to adjust to the light. He finds himself on the floor of a dingy basement. At his feet is a hacksaw, and his hand has been shackled to another man. A man dressed like a Gorn.
Florida Man:
*snort* What, who? Where are we? I was asleep. I have been unconscious this whole time, because like you I have no idea where we are.
Dan Marino:
What the hell are you playing at?
Florida Man:
Beats me. I have no idea how I got here, I am as much victim as yourself, please believe me, Dan Marin-er-stranger.
Dan Marino:
Then why are you wearing my super bowl rings?!
Florida Man:
...you wanted me to keep them safe for you, then you decided I looked like an OG pimp with them, so gave them to me as a gift.
Suddenly a dummy appears on a monitor. Specifically a dwarf who is normally painted green, but has added white with red swirls to look more like the mannequin from SAW.
Gazoo:
Would you like to play a game?
Dan Marino:
LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
Gazoo:
You two have been shackled together with titanium handcuffs. The only way to free yourselves is to use that hacksaw to remove your hands... or team up at the FIRESIDE C.O.C.K. Battle Royale as the greatest tag team the continent of Florida has ever produced!
Dan Marino:
You people are fu-
Without thinking twice, Dan Marino decides to cut his own hand off rather than spend anymore time with Florida Man. Seeing that the SAW gambit didn't work, Florida Man shoots Dan Marino in the back with a tranquillizer gun before he can commence with the cutting. The NFL great slumps to the floor. Gazoo steps out of the back, trying to cover the SAW make-up with more green paint.
Gazoo:
Plan F?
Florida Man:
Nah, I think we'll leave the cuffs on. I'll just drag him into the battle royale - by the time we win the dang thing, Dan here will think I'm his best friend and not press charges for kidnapping, forcible confinement, assault, etc. Not only will we win the C.O.C.K., we will beat Bang Bros for the straps, at which point Charles will be so jealous of my friendship with Dan Marino that he'll stop spending time with that lazy douchebag, Rin Kubo. And if I beat Sam Sawyer along the way? Well, I do have an addictive personality.
Gazoo:
Speaking as your life coach-
Dramatic pause.
Gazoo:
Go for it.
Gazoo and Florida Man turn to the camera with a thumbs up for a happy freeze frame.
Ultimate Warrior:
*DING*