CHAMPIONS ARE GOOD SPORTS [CBB #1]
Feb 15, 2022 15:04:40 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Drag, and 1 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Feb 15, 2022 15:04:40 GMT -5
EXT. DES MOINES DDT FACTORY - DAY
OVER BLACK
TITLE: NOT WITH A STRAIGHT STICK, WITH A LITTLE FUCKED UP STICK!
FADE IN
EDMONDS is on his cell phone in the carpark
The other side has clearly hung up, EDMONDS launches his phone to the floor as it smashes into a thousand pieces.
BLOBBY offers him a dab of his sherbert.
BLOBBY looks confused.
To EDMONDS’ surprise, BLOBBY smiles and grows excited.
BLOBBY points to his watch as he speaks.
BLOBBY, once more, looks wounded.
The sound of a crowd suddenly grows in volume, as if the audio tech raised the noise gate on the sound desk.
CUT TO:
AERIAL SHOT
Hundreds of people are gathered outside of the wrestling school.
FOCUS ON:
THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS stand in the background, BLOBBY horrified by the scene.
INT. DES MOINES DDT FACTORY - DAY
THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS sit behind a long table, a stage in front of them.
EDMONDS wears a black t-shirt pulled up just shy of his armpits. A dozen spray tans have been applied to his skin. He flashes a smile that is now measured in lumens.
BLOBBY looks unimpressed as he wears what looks like a $2 Slash wig from a Welfare store.
YOGI exits.
Two girls come onto the stage in soccer kits, a ball under one of their arms.
EDMONDS presses a large buzzer.
Exit GIRLS.
Two COPS appear behind the pair.
CUT TO:
The smoke clears and BLOBBY makes himself a cup of tea.
Sitting down at the breakfast bar, BLOBBY sees a brand-new Charles doll, complete with the XHF Junior Heavyweight title for a collar.
With a bloodcurdling roar of anguish, BLOBBY RIPS THE HEAD OFF THE STUFFED ANIMAL!!
CUT TO:
COP #1 snaps cop locks on the CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS wrists.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: NOT WITH A STRAIGHT STICK, WITH A LITTLE FUCKED UP STICK!
FADE IN
EDMONDS is on his cell phone in the carpark
NOEL EDMONDS (Agitated)
What? You’re being unreasonable…I’m not like Rogan…I’m not even like Jimmy Carr!
BLOBBY offers him a dab of his sherbert.
NOEL EDMONDS
Blob, not everything is sorted with the nosebag…
MR BLOBBY
Blobby?
NOEL EDMONDS
It was Spotify, they’re cancelling the podcast that I signed for after the Rumble. Said something about it not being the right time to bring in a high-profile TV personality with questionable views and you know what that means?
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
It was pressure from the bloody Welsh!
To EDMONDS’ surprise, BLOBBY smiles and grows excited.
MR BLOBBY (Gesturing to the training school)
BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!
BLOBBY points to his watch as he speaks.
NOEL EDMONDS
We’ve been through this, Blob. I don’t need more time to wrestle, we’ve been over this. I get the people invested in buying a ticket to see a multi-platform star like myself and then you deal with the whole wrestling side of it - which quite frankly, I’m more than happy for you to do!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB! BLOBBY! BLOBBLOB!!
NOEL EDMONDS
I know you get your Japan tapes but you’ve got to know that I get very different tapes from Japan to you. Less Fighting Spirit and more pixels! Besides, has it not dawned on you that we haven’t EVER had a straight wrestling match since we won the belts or before it? You know why? Because we embrace the chaos! That’s our one-upmanship on the rest of the teams on the Network! We cultivate an image of insanity and unpredictability that makes every other member of the roster afraid of what we’re going to do next! Look at our next opponents, The New Age Killers, what can they do?
MR BLOBBY
BLOBBOB! BLOBISM! BLOB, BLOB, BLOB!
NOEL EDMONDS
That’s right, they embrace a style from Japan that was built as much as a rejection of the Inoki-ism that nearly bankrupted New Japan as it was a testament, tribute, and evolution of traditional Strong Style wrestling. In short, they could absolutely muller me!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB, BLOBB, BLOB!
NOEL EDMONDS (laughing)
Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not going to learn how to fight that style in under a week! I’m not going to learn how to fight in that timeframe! Like I said, that’s your bag. You know, if you ever got bored of this or left the team? I could go find a hundred guys like you outside of Tony Khan’s office or kicked out of the dojos of Japan!
MR BLOBBY (hurt)
BLOB! BLAPP!
NOEL EDMONDS
I get they love you in Japan, Blob, but why would you want to be the next Bob Sapp? Be lucky that CHIKARA died on its arse and you don’t have to end up as Blob Sapp!
MR BLOBBY (points to the training school)
Blob?
NOEL EDMONDS
I hate to break it to you, I didn’t agree to come here to train. I set up something that can help us win the match this week. Can you not hear what is around the corner?
CUT TO:
AERIAL SHOT
Hundreds of people are gathered outside of the wrestling school.
CROWD (unison)
C-B-B, GIVE IT TO ME! C-B-B, GIVE IT TO ME! C-B-B, GIVE IT TO ME! C-B-B, GIVE IT TO ME!
THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS stand in the background, BLOBBY horrified by the scene.
MR BLOBBY
BLOB??
NOEL EDMONDS
You always talk about the need for psychology in wrestling…this is it! Every defence we have to do some form of promotional work for it and we’re big-time now, baby! What says more about the American dream than reaching the pinnacle of your field and leaning heavily on a workforce that’s barely more than a hot-dog and a handshake??
MR BLOBBY
BLABB!!
NOEL EDMONDS
We had to cut costs, do you know how many complaints and fines we got for bringing up the Mary Poppins/Strap-On/Julie Andrews incident? We’re against a team that has no end of accolades. Jason bloody Long has more wrestling titles than “Disco Boy” Johnny B has in peerages from the Queen! They’ve won titles in J-ROK which isn’t much weighed against their far more numerous chokes but it does give them an outside chance! What we need to do is to bamboozle them, have them questioning not just what the hell to expect inside the ring but also have them wonder why they even reformed for the umpteenth time again! Maybe they’ll realize they’re the tag-team definition of diminishing returns and do everyone a favor!
MR BLOBBY (pointing)
BLOB?
NOEL EDMONDS
It’s going to be great, Blob, you wait to see what I have planned. We have costumes and everything!
THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS sit behind a long table, a stage in front of them.
EDMONDS wears a black t-shirt pulled up just shy of his armpits. A dozen spray tans have been applied to his skin. He flashes a smile that is now measured in lumens.
BLOBBY looks unimpressed as he wears what looks like a $2 Slash wig from a Welfare store.
NOEL EDMONDS
Isn’t this brilliant?
MR BLOBBY
BLOB BLU!
NOEL EDMONDS
We got to look the part, mate! Not only that, I’ve got something that is on-trend and on topic for our Caddyshack title defense...it’ll be a love-letter to sports movies!
MR BLOBBY (confused)
BLOBBY?
NOEL EDMONDS
I get that most of them are contrived and operate with an application of the rules and format of their sports that sacrifices realism for the contrivances of lazy and convenient screenwriting but it’ll be alright, we can make it work.
MR BLOBBY
BLOB BOLF?
NOEL EDMONDS
We can’t be THAT on the nose with it, Blob! Besides, of all the sub-genres within sports movies - golf movies are categorically the WORST of all sports movies. We’re not TOUCHING anyone who has starred in a movie about golf!
WILL SMITH (on stage)
AWW MAN!! You gotta be kidding me, Uncle Noel!!
NOEL EDMONDS
No, William. Can you tell your lad that as he probably visited the set that he’s out too? Cheers, chap!
KEVIN COSTNER (bursting into view)
BUT I HAVE AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR ACTING AND DIRECTING!
NOEL EDMONDS
It’s a no from me. In fact, anyone who appeared in Yellowstone or anything that sounded like that…
YOGI BEAR
BUT I’M SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR!!
NOEL EDMONDS
Hold up…I have a question for you - would you let us amputate your arm-
YOGI BEAR
How will I-a swipe all those-a pic-a-nic baskets?
NOEL EDMONDS
Steady on...all you need to let us do is fit a couple of bionic limbs and put you under a hood. We could call you Super MechaBear and claim you’re from Tijuana!
YOGI BEAR
But how will I meet my overseas media commitments if I get popped by the TSA everytime I come back to the country?
NOEL EDMONDS
You’re right, we have Dylan Black for keeping them employed…gerroff the stage!
YOGI exits.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
You got this down, Blob. Just ask yourself - what would Howard Stern do?
MR BLOBBY
BLO-BLOBBEH BLOBBAR BLOBBLOB?
NOEL EDMONDS
Perhaps don’t ask Buffy if she has a bush down there…in fact, just give people feedback and avoid getting anything that rhymes with Brie Glue involved with us…
NOEL EDMONDS
Pitch me, girls. And I hope this involves Sylvester Stallone, Michael Caine and Pele…
GIRL #1
Nope! Better, we can rehab your image with a movie about the world’s game that also includes inspirational messages?
NOEL EDMONDS (incredulous)
Go on…
GIRL #2
It’s about women rallying against not just societal and gender stereotypes but cultural identities too!
NOEL EDMONDS
Nope! Firstly, it has Jonathan Rhys Meyers in it and he’s Welsh!
GIRL #1
He’s Irish, actually…
NOEL EDMONDS (unfazed)
Same thing, anyways. It’s a tale of how a predatory soccer coach uses his position of power to groom a much younger woman into sleeping with him!
GIRL #2
They don’t sleep together in the movie…
NOEL EDMONDS (irritated)
It’s heavily implied! Lastly, Beckham’s brand is global now. He’ll insist on getting his talentless son to star in it and we can’t afford that! He’d need five people to get him dressed on set AND another to tie his shoes up for him! He can’t even take a photo of an elephant from ten yards away for God’s sake!
GIRL #1
Bu-
EDMONDS presses a large buzzer.
Exit GIRLS.
MR BLOBBY (protesting)
BLOB! BLOBBY!!
NOEL EDMONDS
Football may be the world’s game but it isn’t American enough for the majority of our audience, Blob.
MR BLOBBY
BLOB BLOBA?
NOEL EDMONDS
We’re not going to make something to cater for the Chinese market either. Actors may claim you can’t see them but they don’t half pander to the Chinese yen!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB BLOB?
NOEL EDMONDS
What do you mean “How does this help us in the match?”
MR BLOBBY
BLOB BLOBBY BLOB!!
NOEL EDMONDS
What you need to remember is that they’re actually worse together than they are apart! Long made his name when he had Bobby Barrett and Jack Diamond by his side to guide him, push him almost! The New Age Killers have gold in J-ROK right now but it’s not across the entire Network is it, chum? They beat SKY Force for God’s sake! Who can lose to a member of SKY Force?
MR BLOBBY
BLOB BLOBBERSON…
NOEL EDMONDS
True, but Chris Sanderson then went and beat you at the last Ascendancy so, if you think about it, you need to go and beat Charles the cat within an inch of his life…
COP #1
Planning your next cat assault? You’ll say you want to play for West Ham next!
NOEL EDMONDS
What?
MR BLOBBY
Blob?
COP #2
We saw your last promotional video and it implicates the pair of you. What was it they did to Charles’ relative?
NOEL EDMONDS
Relative?
COP #1
He ripped the head off it…
NOEL EDMONDS
No, I didn’t!
COP #2
Oh yes you did!
NOEL EDMONDS
Hold on, can we stop this whole pantomime?
COP #1
We can get it up now if you like?
COP #2
I saw it myself, I have a Network subscription and NLW is my favorite…
NOEL EDMONDS
Let me guess, you’re a Sexton Love mark?
COP #2
I’m all in on Razor Blade…
The smoke clears and BLOBBY makes himself a cup of tea.
Sitting down at the breakfast bar, BLOBBY sees a brand-new Charles doll, complete with the XHF Junior Heavyweight title for a collar.
With a bloodcurdling roar of anguish, BLOBBY RIPS THE HEAD OFF THE STUFFED ANIMAL!!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH
It seems that even Blobby can't believe that Sanderson lost his title to a cuddly toy...he lost a lot of money at Supremacy on that one! BLOBBY NEEDS TO CUT A BITCH
CUT TO:
COP #1
Now, Mr Edmonds, whilst your friend here was the one who did the deed, we know that you were the person who kidnapped Charles’ cousin…
NOEL EDMONDS
It’s a cuddly toy! It’s not even real!
COP #2
It’s attitudes like that that need stamping out in society. We received a warrant to search your premises earlier today and, as it stands, we have you bang to rights. Cuff em, Danno!
COP #1 snaps cop locks on the CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS wrists.
MR BLOBBY
BLOB? BLOBBY!!
NOEL EDMONDS
We won’t miss the match, we’ll be there at Masquerade and we’ll take out this injustice on The New Age Killers!!
