Fireside Loss Prevention Investigation Case Number: F1829
Mar 4, 2022 5:34:34 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, anthonycaffrey, and 2 more like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on Mar 4, 2022 5:34:34 GMT -5
(A grainy black and white police interrogation video begins in a claustrophobic small office at Fireside headquarters in Philadelphia. There's the camera in the corner. Fireside’s Newcomer of the Year and COCK Battle Royale Winner Evan Valentine Jr. sits in a chair in a corner, with a table and two other chairs on either side of him. The timestamp is 20:38:15. Evan looks around dismissively at his surroundings, then mansprawls his legs out. Out of boredom, Evan starts testing out rhymes)
Evan Valentine Jr.: (under his breath) I walk through Inglewood alone
My flow is reliable, but you like Zolothach, bro you injury prone
Just like Zolothach’s bones, you never know when I might snap
Rebecca Brookes’ life is sadder than the movie Up, or Dylan Black tryin a clap…
(The video fast forwards until the door finally opens. Two Fireside officials, Marcus Washington and Walter Stanford walk in with Shake Shack. The timestamp is 20:45:17)
Walter Stanford: Ok, sorry about that. I think we got everything right this time.
(Walter starts handing Evan paper bags of Shake Shack)
Walter Stanford: That’s one Smoke Shack. A Chocolate Pie shake, WITH croissant cookie crumbles this time.
(Marcus Washington chuckles)
Evan Valentine Jr.: It seriously ain’t that hard. Damn.
(Evan checks the bag and stops suddenly)
Evan Valentine Jr.: These ain’t buffalo cheese fries. They just regular. Like Shane Locke.
(Marcus Washington and Walter look at one another. Walter’s eyes lower, and then he takes the bags of Shake Shack from Evan Valentine. He and Marcus Washington leave the room and then the video begins fast forwarding again. It stops at the timestamp of 20:53:38. Evan is once again free styling)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I’m drivin down the freeway straight plastered
I’m swervin fools like a young Rat Bastard
I break you down like Tony Romo
I won’t waste your time like a Sam Sawyer promo
(Thankfully the video speeds up for quite a while until the timestamp of 21:34:29. Marcus and Walter Stanford return with bags of Shake Shack)
Walter Stanford: Ok, I think we got it right this time. Checked and triple checked.
(Walter chuckles, Evan sneers. The video fast forwards again as Walter passes Evan the bags of fast food. The crinkle of the paper bags is deafening on the surveillance audio. Evan inspects the Smoke Shack, sniffs for poison and then begins eating it. Walter and Marcus Washington look at one another and nod in agreement)
Walter Stanford: So again, we just wanted to talk…
Evan Valentine Jr.: (mouth full) I want to call my Dad’s lawyer.
Marcus Washington: Evan, we’re not law enforcement. We’re just Fireside officials…
Evan Valentine Jr.: (forking up some buffalo cheese fries) Stooges.
Marcus Washington: (hands up) Hey, hey. That’s an ugly word.
Walter Stanford: Come on, Evan. We’re just having a conversation here. You’re free to leave at any time…
Evan Valentine Jr.: (dabs his mouth with the napkin) Peace…
Marcus Washington: But hang on, we need to talk about some things.
Evan Valentine Jr.: What things?
Walter Stanford: (trying to build a rapport) Look, we just need you to help us understand some things. We’re investigating all the theft going on right now in Fireside, and we were hoping you could help us eliminate you as a suspect.
Evan Valentine Jr.: I don’t fuck with The Office and I ain’t telling on my bros.
Marcus Washington: We’re just asking for help. Maybe you can help us find the real thief?
(Evan takes a bite of his Smoke Shack and eyes Marcus and Walter suspiciously. He chews thoughtfully for a while)
Evan Valentine Jr.: (sips his drink) Donzig.
Walter Stanford: See, Marcus? This is great. Evan’s helping us.
Marcus Washington: That’s amazing. This is going to help us cross him off the list. See? You don’t need a lawyer.
(Evan Valentine Jr. thinks he’s putting one over on them, and becomes more engaged. He chews more confidently now)
Marcus Washington: So we already know you stole Vodka Fizz’s golf cart. That is indisputable…
Evan Valentine Jr.: (mouth full) He lent it to me.
Marcus Washington: Goddammit.
Walter Stanford: Look, Evan. We think it’s very funny. Don’t we, Marcus?
Marcus Washington: (serious) Hilarious.
Walter Stanford: Just Caffrey is hassling us to do something about all this thievery (waves it off) Which we, again, totally get. I think it’s one of the best ribs we’ve had here in Fireside. Marcus?
Marcus Washington: Totally. We’re just looking to give credit where it’s due. Like what about taking Ace Sky’s music, how did you get the audio guy to play “Eye in the Sky” by The Alan Parsons Project?
Walter Stanford: Which, as a fellow APP fan, I wholeheartedly agreed with. Honestly, it should be everyone’s ring music.
Marcus Washington: Was it Rob, the audio guy?
Walter Stanford: (nods) Rob definitely seems like a heel audio guy.
Evan Valentine Jr.: (eyes Walter and Marcus, then leans back) I wanna talk to my Dad’s lawyer.
Marcus Washington: You know what? We don’t have to talk about Rob.
Walter Stanford: (incredulously) Who’s Rob?
Marcus Washington: What about this match you have coming up? Who Goes First Part One?
(Evan crosses his arms and shakes his head)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Walter Stanford: You see it’s a match to decide…
Evan Valentine Jr.: No, I’m in the match and I have no idea what you talking bout. I never know what is happening in this company. Wrestlers get hit with chairs, they get they heads run in to corner posts, they go in on an 8 ball with Rat Bastard. We should not be asked to remember that many layers to what happens when we go over.
(Walter reaches for Evan’s hand)
Walter Stanford: I’m hearing a lot of pain. I’m here for you. You’re nervous about Mistress Discipline, aren’t you?
Evan Valentine Jr.: Hell nah.
(Walter and Marcus use the isolation technique and stare at Evan, waiting for him to break the silence. Evan checks a stain on his Stay Loyal Jordans in black and Chile red. Valentine scrapes it a little until the video fast forwards to the timestamp of 21:36:19. Evan finally mutters something while looking at the floor)
Evan Valentine Jr.: She’s like when an AP chick comes to the kick back.
Walter Stanford: (nods) Let it out.
(Silence for several seconds. Walter looks at Marcus, who nods to him in acknowledgment)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I mean, she bringing those well adjusted adult vibes to a pro wrestling match, and…
Walter Stanford: Rubbing it in your face.
Marcus Washington: You didn’t have a choice. That’s why you had to take Vodka Fizz’s golf cart.
(Evan is quiet for a while. Walter and Marcus lean in. Evan seems like he may break. The lone sound is a clock ticking on the wall. The video fast forwards until we get to 21:42:51, when Evan leans back)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Yeah, but he let me borrow that shit.
Marcus Washington: (tosses pencil) I swear to God…
Evan Valentine Jr.: He craved my approval. It was sad. Yo, can I get my Dad's lawyer in here yet? I just came in here to get my Good Riddance 2021 check and now I got Lenny Brisco over here...
(Walter changes the subject)
Walter Stanford: What about El Combatiente?
(Marcus Washington again stay silent, waiting for Evan Valentine Jr. to speak first out of awkwardness. The video fast forwards to 21:46:53)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I heard he shook up.
Walter Stanford: You see? This is stuff we need to know.
Marcus Washington: No, it isn’t.
Evan Valentine Jr.: I heard he and Curtis Kanyon worried about they spot...
(Evan hesitates)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Look, don’t tell Wade Keller I told you this first. Me and him got a deal cause I snitch to him regularly, you know?
Walter Stanford: I would never betray our confidence.
Evan Valentine Jr.: But I heard they be telling the wrong people about how they sweatin me and Dylan Black coming in at a combined weight of 568 pounds. Now that Dylan Black got me to carry whatever’s left of him, we top guys. He an X Crown Champion and I easily beat him in seconds to get the opportunity to win the X Crown myself.
Walter Stanford: It’s like if Brock and Kofi joined forces.
Marcus Washington: Now hang on, you wouldn’t have even had a chance had it not been for…
Evan Valentine Jr.: Good genes? Maybe. I heard him talking bout socking The Kid? The tea is that Evansent finish just too good for homeboy with those Terminator arms. He found that out in last June. The Evansent is why when I win this match against Miss Diss and El Combatiente to decide the stipulation of our match…
Marcus Washington: That’s not what it’s for at all.
Evan Valentine Jr.: …it’s gonna be the first domino to fall in El Bang Hermanos losing they straps. Now it don’t matter if it happen at a PPV, at TVs, or a spot show in Wilkes-Barre. Those belts are coming off El Bang Hermanos and they coming to me and Dylan Black, better known as New Appendages.
Marcus Washington: Don’t call yourselves that.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Three dudes have just taken new spots on that tag team since October of 2020. It’s time to end this foolishness and get some new blood, some New Money up in there. But first I gotta win this threeway match that decides who is the new house show GM…
Marcus Washington: No one is taking UnJoo Park’s job here. The guy moves serious merch at intermission…
(There’s a knock heard at the door. The door opens and it’s Fireside play by play commentator Oliver Wright)
Oliver Wright: Jonnie’s lawyer is here and I can't hold him off anymore, I'm out of card tricks. He said Evan’s cousin Brian called him when he didn't come back to the car with the Good Riddance check.
(Evan smirks at Marcus Washington & Walter Stanford. Jonnie’s lawyer Eric D. Anderson, pro wrestling attorney enters the small room)
Eric D. Anderson: You guys know better than to talk with my client without me present. Come on.
Marcus Washington: (to Evan) Ok. Ok. That’s how you wanna play it? Fine. We tried to be straight with you, but you know. I guess we’re gonna play games.
Evan Valentine Jr.: (makes boo boo face) Sorry Marcus.
Marcus Washington: Get him out of here. You better not steal anything else.
Eric D. Anderson: Call us when you have some evidence.
(Evan Valentine Jr. and professional wrestling attorney Eric D. Anderson walk out of the room, and the tape ends at 21:53:28)
Evan Valentine Jr.: (under his breath) I walk through Inglewood alone
My flow is reliable, but you like Zolothach, bro you injury prone
Just like Zolothach’s bones, you never know when I might snap
Rebecca Brookes’ life is sadder than the movie Up, or Dylan Black tryin a clap…
(The video fast forwards until the door finally opens. Two Fireside officials, Marcus Washington and Walter Stanford walk in with Shake Shack. The timestamp is 20:45:17)
Walter Stanford: Ok, sorry about that. I think we got everything right this time.
(Walter starts handing Evan paper bags of Shake Shack)
Walter Stanford: That’s one Smoke Shack. A Chocolate Pie shake, WITH croissant cookie crumbles this time.
(Marcus Washington chuckles)
Evan Valentine Jr.: It seriously ain’t that hard. Damn.
(Evan checks the bag and stops suddenly)
Evan Valentine Jr.: These ain’t buffalo cheese fries. They just regular. Like Shane Locke.
(Marcus Washington and Walter look at one another. Walter’s eyes lower, and then he takes the bags of Shake Shack from Evan Valentine. He and Marcus Washington leave the room and then the video begins fast forwarding again. It stops at the timestamp of 20:53:38. Evan is once again free styling)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I’m drivin down the freeway straight plastered
I’m swervin fools like a young Rat Bastard
I break you down like Tony Romo
I won’t waste your time like a Sam Sawyer promo
(Thankfully the video speeds up for quite a while until the timestamp of 21:34:29. Marcus and Walter Stanford return with bags of Shake Shack)
Walter Stanford: Ok, I think we got it right this time. Checked and triple checked.
(Walter chuckles, Evan sneers. The video fast forwards again as Walter passes Evan the bags of fast food. The crinkle of the paper bags is deafening on the surveillance audio. Evan inspects the Smoke Shack, sniffs for poison and then begins eating it. Walter and Marcus Washington look at one another and nod in agreement)
Walter Stanford: So again, we just wanted to talk…
Evan Valentine Jr.: (mouth full) I want to call my Dad’s lawyer.
Marcus Washington: Evan, we’re not law enforcement. We’re just Fireside officials…
Evan Valentine Jr.: (forking up some buffalo cheese fries) Stooges.
Marcus Washington: (hands up) Hey, hey. That’s an ugly word.
Walter Stanford: Come on, Evan. We’re just having a conversation here. You’re free to leave at any time…
Evan Valentine Jr.: (dabs his mouth with the napkin) Peace…
Marcus Washington: But hang on, we need to talk about some things.
Evan Valentine Jr.: What things?
Walter Stanford: (trying to build a rapport) Look, we just need you to help us understand some things. We’re investigating all the theft going on right now in Fireside, and we were hoping you could help us eliminate you as a suspect.
Evan Valentine Jr.: I don’t fuck with The Office and I ain’t telling on my bros.
Marcus Washington: We’re just asking for help. Maybe you can help us find the real thief?
(Evan takes a bite of his Smoke Shack and eyes Marcus and Walter suspiciously. He chews thoughtfully for a while)
Evan Valentine Jr.: (sips his drink) Donzig.
Walter Stanford: See, Marcus? This is great. Evan’s helping us.
Marcus Washington: That’s amazing. This is going to help us cross him off the list. See? You don’t need a lawyer.
(Evan Valentine Jr. thinks he’s putting one over on them, and becomes more engaged. He chews more confidently now)
Marcus Washington: So we already know you stole Vodka Fizz’s golf cart. That is indisputable…
Evan Valentine Jr.: (mouth full) He lent it to me.
Marcus Washington: Goddammit.
Walter Stanford: Look, Evan. We think it’s very funny. Don’t we, Marcus?
Marcus Washington: (serious) Hilarious.
Walter Stanford: Just Caffrey is hassling us to do something about all this thievery (waves it off) Which we, again, totally get. I think it’s one of the best ribs we’ve had here in Fireside. Marcus?
Marcus Washington: Totally. We’re just looking to give credit where it’s due. Like what about taking Ace Sky’s music, how did you get the audio guy to play “Eye in the Sky” by The Alan Parsons Project?
Walter Stanford: Which, as a fellow APP fan, I wholeheartedly agreed with. Honestly, it should be everyone’s ring music.
Marcus Washington: Was it Rob, the audio guy?
Walter Stanford: (nods) Rob definitely seems like a heel audio guy.
Evan Valentine Jr.: (eyes Walter and Marcus, then leans back) I wanna talk to my Dad’s lawyer.
Marcus Washington: You know what? We don’t have to talk about Rob.
Walter Stanford: (incredulously) Who’s Rob?
Marcus Washington: What about this match you have coming up? Who Goes First Part One?
(Evan crosses his arms and shakes his head)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Walter Stanford: You see it’s a match to decide…
Evan Valentine Jr.: No, I’m in the match and I have no idea what you talking bout. I never know what is happening in this company. Wrestlers get hit with chairs, they get they heads run in to corner posts, they go in on an 8 ball with Rat Bastard. We should not be asked to remember that many layers to what happens when we go over.
(Walter reaches for Evan’s hand)
Walter Stanford: I’m hearing a lot of pain. I’m here for you. You’re nervous about Mistress Discipline, aren’t you?
Evan Valentine Jr.: Hell nah.
(Walter and Marcus use the isolation technique and stare at Evan, waiting for him to break the silence. Evan checks a stain on his Stay Loyal Jordans in black and Chile red. Valentine scrapes it a little until the video fast forwards to the timestamp of 21:36:19. Evan finally mutters something while looking at the floor)
Evan Valentine Jr.: She’s like when an AP chick comes to the kick back.
Walter Stanford: (nods) Let it out.
(Silence for several seconds. Walter looks at Marcus, who nods to him in acknowledgment)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I mean, she bringing those well adjusted adult vibes to a pro wrestling match, and…
Walter Stanford: Rubbing it in your face.
Marcus Washington: You didn’t have a choice. That’s why you had to take Vodka Fizz’s golf cart.
(Evan is quiet for a while. Walter and Marcus lean in. Evan seems like he may break. The lone sound is a clock ticking on the wall. The video fast forwards until we get to 21:42:51, when Evan leans back)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Yeah, but he let me borrow that shit.
Marcus Washington: (tosses pencil) I swear to God…
Evan Valentine Jr.: He craved my approval. It was sad. Yo, can I get my Dad's lawyer in here yet? I just came in here to get my Good Riddance 2021 check and now I got Lenny Brisco over here...
(Walter changes the subject)
Walter Stanford: What about El Combatiente?
(Marcus Washington again stay silent, waiting for Evan Valentine Jr. to speak first out of awkwardness. The video fast forwards to 21:46:53)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I heard he shook up.
Walter Stanford: You see? This is stuff we need to know.
Marcus Washington: No, it isn’t.
Evan Valentine Jr.: I heard he and Curtis Kanyon worried about they spot...
(Evan hesitates)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Look, don’t tell Wade Keller I told you this first. Me and him got a deal cause I snitch to him regularly, you know?
Walter Stanford: I would never betray our confidence.
Evan Valentine Jr.: But I heard they be telling the wrong people about how they sweatin me and Dylan Black coming in at a combined weight of 568 pounds. Now that Dylan Black got me to carry whatever’s left of him, we top guys. He an X Crown Champion and I easily beat him in seconds to get the opportunity to win the X Crown myself.
Walter Stanford: It’s like if Brock and Kofi joined forces.
Marcus Washington: Now hang on, you wouldn’t have even had a chance had it not been for…
Evan Valentine Jr.: Good genes? Maybe. I heard him talking bout socking The Kid? The tea is that Evansent finish just too good for homeboy with those Terminator arms. He found that out in last June. The Evansent is why when I win this match against Miss Diss and El Combatiente to decide the stipulation of our match…
Marcus Washington: That’s not what it’s for at all.
Evan Valentine Jr.: …it’s gonna be the first domino to fall in El Bang Hermanos losing they straps. Now it don’t matter if it happen at a PPV, at TVs, or a spot show in Wilkes-Barre. Those belts are coming off El Bang Hermanos and they coming to me and Dylan Black, better known as New Appendages.
Marcus Washington: Don’t call yourselves that.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Three dudes have just taken new spots on that tag team since October of 2020. It’s time to end this foolishness and get some new blood, some New Money up in there. But first I gotta win this threeway match that decides who is the new house show GM…
Marcus Washington: No one is taking UnJoo Park’s job here. The guy moves serious merch at intermission…
(There’s a knock heard at the door. The door opens and it’s Fireside play by play commentator Oliver Wright)
Oliver Wright: Jonnie’s lawyer is here and I can't hold him off anymore, I'm out of card tricks. He said Evan’s cousin Brian called him when he didn't come back to the car with the Good Riddance check.
(Evan smirks at Marcus Washington & Walter Stanford. Jonnie’s lawyer Eric D. Anderson, pro wrestling attorney enters the small room)
Eric D. Anderson: You guys know better than to talk with my client without me present. Come on.
Marcus Washington: (to Evan) Ok. Ok. That’s how you wanna play it? Fine. We tried to be straight with you, but you know. I guess we’re gonna play games.
Evan Valentine Jr.: (makes boo boo face) Sorry Marcus.
Marcus Washington: Get him out of here. You better not steal anything else.
Eric D. Anderson: Call us when you have some evidence.
(Evan Valentine Jr. and professional wrestling attorney Eric D. Anderson walk out of the room, and the tape ends at 21:53:28)