Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Mar 5, 2022 0:04:34 GMT -5
**Fade in. New Orleans, Louisiana. Bourbon St. March 1st, 2022.**
*People are gathered in the street, causing a ruckus as the camera pans across Bourbon Street. It pulls up along the famous LaLaurie Mansion and we see a man standing in front of a microphone on the second story balcony*
: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO THE MARDI GRAS PARADE HERE IN NâAWLINS! WHERE I GAAARUNTEEE YOU WILL HAVE A GOOD TIME! TO GET DIS PARTEEE STARTED, PLEASE WELCOME FORMER PRESIDENTS BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA AND CURTIS DALLAS KANYON!
*The man steps aside and Obama and Kanyon emerge from a nearby doorway. They wave to the crowd.*
: Welcome to Mardi Gras!
: Weâre honored to be here to host this event. Now let the party begin!
*Both presidents blow into trumpets with one long note to signify the parade is on! Music starts to emanate from the streets and the crowd cheers. Obama and Kanyon grab fistfuls of beads and start tossing them down to the crowd.*
: This is great! Love the energy here!
: Yeah, I needed this quick stop, have some fuâ oop, thereâs the first pair of boobs. Iâll throw her double beads.
: Donât tell Michelle, but that is a nice bonus.
: Haha, yeah buddy! But yeah, I got a mega match coming up and I needed this stop over.
: Get in some laissez faire before the big one, eh?
: Yeah. Iâm in a triple threat with two other former X*Crown champs. On free TV! Caffrey really is a heel now.
: Sounds like quite aâ more boobs, 10 oâclock.
: Nice.
: Anyway, yeah, sounds like quite a challenge. But Iâm sure youâre up to the task pal.
: Yeah, Iâve not crossed paths with Death Trap too much, my brother did a lot though. Although, I did kinda sorta beat him to become 1/8th XHF World Champion.
: Oh, he was that guy?
: Yeah, crazy times. But now, that jerk just waltzes in and bypasses my challenge to get a regular challenge? I set up a rumble to find challengers and he and Mistress Discipline just ignore it and do their own, much easier thing? Itâs just like his people to take the cheap way into a title match.
: Whoa, you canât say that!
: What?
: Thatâs racist toward Italians.
: No, I donât mean Italians.
: âŠWhite people?
: No, not them either.
: Mariners fans?
: No, but close.
: Then, and I am afraid to ask, what kind of people?
: People who wear leather brimmed hats.
: Oh, well, that is a terrible fashion statement.
: Yeah, but what can you do? Heâs âboobsâ been stuck wearing those same clothes for like, a decade.
: Oh, I thought you were going to say you were going to beat some fashion sense into him.
: Nah, heâs too far gone. Iâll just beat him regular and deny his team a chance at fighting El Combatiente and I at the PPV.
: You turning down the fight? That doesnât sound like you at all.
: Well, no, but Iâm also not letting him win. Like I said, he got through the cheap way.
: I just assumed you would âboobsâ want to beat him up and then beat him up again.
: Yeah⊠youâre right! See, this is why I like having you around, you have good ideas. Thanks Obama!
: No problem pal. What about the other guy?
: Oh Dylan? At least he earned his shot the right way. By grabbing my C.O.C.K. along with Valentine. Dylan may be terrible at figuring out who murdered his family and keeping his limbs, but heâs great at battle royals and winning the big ones. So around him, I really have to be on my toes. Although I have beaten him in a triple threat before.
: You did? I mean, Dylan was the longest reigning X*Crown champion since Hardcore Harry, I donât remember you two squaring off.
: He went by a different name then. At least in that fed. While being Dylan elsewhere. One of those losers with dual personalities, what a lame gimmick. Right?
: Uh⊠hey look I think thereâs boobs over there.
: Sweet. Anyway, what a surprise he was to join the C.O.C.K. battle royal, but he won it with Valentine and good on them. Valentine is already a regular Firesider, but a big gun in the fed, no doubt. But Dylan being an open door entrant, thatâs just what the doctor ordered. I wanted âboobsâ some open door challenger to win so I can burn that damn door down. And Dylan is probably the biggest open door man you can get. After I put him down in this triple threat, and then put him down at the PPV, no one will want to walk through that door ever again.
: Wait, so you are fighting both teams at the PPV?
: Maybe? When Combatiente and I win, we can choose our opponents. If we somehow fluke lose by our opponents pinning each other or some other Caffrey nonsense, then their team gets into the match, so each other team fluke wins one, itâll be a triple threat, but if only one team fluke wins one of the matches, itâll be just two teams. But in the more likely event both BANG! Hermanos win, then I still wanted to pick the C.O.C.K. guys because they earned it and my aforementioned plan of burning down the open door. But with your worldly insight, youâve made me realize I should also put in the two lazy asses who skipped fighting for my C.O.C.K. to teach them a lesson and get more BANG! for my buck.
: Well, glad we could get that all figured âboobs- out.
: So glad you convinced me to come down âold lady boobs! Ew! Nevermind, Iâm not glad anymore.
: Everyone is beautiful in their own way. But yeah, thatâs not cool.
: Theyâre bouncing off her knees!
: Itâs like a skin scarf. Why is she waving at us?
: Just throw some beads and make her go away.
*Obama throws a dozen beads off the balcony.*
: Oh no! It just made her friends join in!
: Itâs like itâs a dozen of the worst street sweepers Iâve ever seen.
: Someone make this stop.
*Almost as if on cue, the parade float passing in front of the presidents lets out a loud âBOOM!â that makes the music stop all around. Confetti flies everywhere. As it settles a man stands atop the float. He looks like some sort of voodoo shaman.*
: Don't you disrespect my people little men!
Don't you derogate or deride!
You're in my world now
Not your world
And I got friends on the other side!
: UhâŠwhat?
: Idunno what this is. Is this part of the show?
*A board emerges from the float and makes a bridge from the float to the balcony. The shaman dances across and jumps down next to the presidents.*
: That's an entrance, gentlemen,
Just a little something we do here in Louisiana
A little parlor trick. Don't worry.
*The shaman pulls out chairs of a nearby cafe table and offers a seat.*
: Sit down at my table
Put your minds at ease
If you relax it will enable me to do anything I please
: Well, when in Rome, er, Nawlins.
: This doesnât sound like a good idea.
*Curtis makes Obama sit, and then takes the other chair.*
: I can read your future
I can change it 'round some, too
I'll look deep into your heart and soul
(You do have a soul, don't you, Curtis?)
Make your wildest dreams come true!
: I mean, weâve already had most our wild dreams come true.
: I got voodoo, I got hoodoo
I got things I ain't even tried!
And I got friends on the other side
The cards, the cards, the cards will tell
The past, the present, and the future as well!
The cards, the cards, just take three
Take a little trip into your future with me!
*The shaman holds out a fan of tarot cards and awaits the presidents to pick.*
: Aw see, this is fun!
: Well, if you say so. Itâs better than old lady boobs.
: Now you, young manâŠ
: Wait a minute, whereâs my wallet?
: Look at that, this fortune says Iâve gotta go!
*The shaman then darts to his bridge and down onto the float.*
: Sic Semper Tyrannis!
: Hey! Get back here you bastard!
*Curtis charges after him. Obama follows suit. The shaman jumps off the float and runs through the college band behind it. Curtis and Obama push through as well.*
: Leave me be!
: Give us back our wallets!
: NEVAH!
*The shaman runs through the Absinthe House and down the alley. Curtis and Barack follow, ducking through and around tubas and dancers and people in masks and other floats and finally they get to clearing a few blocks away, and the shaman canât be seen.*
: Where yâat!? Where yâat you jerk bag!
: Whoâdat?
: Howâd you get over here?
: On break cher.
: Weâre looking for some creepy shaman voodoo guy who stole our wallets. What kind of laissez faire attitude is that?
: Itâs very faire âround these parts mon amie. But I tell you what, I saw some painted up wackadoo runninâ into the cemetair ovaâdere.
*The man points toward Saint Louis Cemetery #1.*
: I have a bad feeling about thisâŠ
: Thanks Obama.
**Fade swipe.**
*We now see the two presidents inspecting the cemetery. They look around Nic Cageâs pyramid and donât see the shaman. Then then see a few other above ground graves. Curtis even tries to open one, but itâs luckily sealed.*
: This is nuts.
: I know, I am not comfortable snooping around graves.
: Oh no, that partâs fine. Reminds me of childhood. No, I mean a voodoo shaman stole our wallets? Itâs just wild.
: Wait, I think I see something⊠nope, just boobs.
: No wait, over there!
*Curtis points and then they run over to Marie Laveauâs Tomb and see a lump under a grey blanket, trying to blend in, but a shoe is sticking out. Kanyon motions to Obama to stay quiet. He then grabs the blanket and yanks it off, revealing the shaman!*
: We have you now!
: AAAHHH! DONâT HURT ME!
: Who are you? Why are you doing this?
: Money⊠and revenge!
: I donât know you.
: Oh donât you!
*The shaman pulls out a cloth and wipes his face.*
: Dylan!?
: No, it is I, Anomolyâs twin!
: He doesnât look anything like Dyâ
: I should have known the next time I face your brother, youâd be snooping around!
: Is this a thing?
: Not for years. You really out to steal our wallets to help your brother?
: No actually, I was hired.
: By me!
*Ken Griffey Jr. comes out from behind the tomb.*
: We were going to steal your identities and make sure your life was hell so that when the time came for your triple threat, you would surely lose! Give my number one fan the edge!
: You people would do that.
: CURTIS!
: What? I meant Death Trap fans!
: Give us back our wallets!
: NEVA!
: You two will never see your wallets agaâ
: Boobs!
*Curtis points and Ken Griffey looks in that direction. As soon as he looks away, Curtis charges and BANG! Ken Griffey Jr is down!*
: What!? You canât jusâ
*Obama his Anomolyâs twin with a BANG!*
: Yeah, take that freak!
: Canât believe these two were trying to screw me.
: That guy still doesnât look like Dylan.
: Well of course, he has all his limbs. Letâs get out of here.
*Curtis kicks KGJ one more time and they walk out of the cemetery triumphant.*
: Oh, wait!
*Obama runs back and grabs there wallets.*
: Oh right, duh.
**Fade out.**
*People are gathered in the street, causing a ruckus as the camera pans across Bourbon Street. It pulls up along the famous LaLaurie Mansion and we see a man standing in front of a microphone on the second story balcony*
: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO THE MARDI GRAS PARADE HERE IN NâAWLINS! WHERE I GAAARUNTEEE YOU WILL HAVE A GOOD TIME! TO GET DIS PARTEEE STARTED, PLEASE WELCOME FORMER PRESIDENTS BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA AND CURTIS DALLAS KANYON!
*The man steps aside and Obama and Kanyon emerge from a nearby doorway. They wave to the crowd.*
: Welcome to Mardi Gras!
: Weâre honored to be here to host this event. Now let the party begin!
*Both presidents blow into trumpets with one long note to signify the parade is on! Music starts to emanate from the streets and the crowd cheers. Obama and Kanyon grab fistfuls of beads and start tossing them down to the crowd.*
: This is great! Love the energy here!
: Yeah, I needed this quick stop, have some fuâ oop, thereâs the first pair of boobs. Iâll throw her double beads.
: Donât tell Michelle, but that is a nice bonus.
: Haha, yeah buddy! But yeah, I got a mega match coming up and I needed this stop over.
: Get in some laissez faire before the big one, eh?
: Yeah. Iâm in a triple threat with two other former X*Crown champs. On free TV! Caffrey really is a heel now.
: Sounds like quite aâ more boobs, 10 oâclock.
: Nice.
: Anyway, yeah, sounds like quite a challenge. But Iâm sure youâre up to the task pal.
: Yeah, Iâve not crossed paths with Death Trap too much, my brother did a lot though. Although, I did kinda sorta beat him to become 1/8th XHF World Champion.
: Oh, he was that guy?
: Yeah, crazy times. But now, that jerk just waltzes in and bypasses my challenge to get a regular challenge? I set up a rumble to find challengers and he and Mistress Discipline just ignore it and do their own, much easier thing? Itâs just like his people to take the cheap way into a title match.
: Whoa, you canât say that!
: What?
: Thatâs racist toward Italians.
: No, I donât mean Italians.
: âŠWhite people?
: No, not them either.
: Mariners fans?
: No, but close.
: Then, and I am afraid to ask, what kind of people?
: People who wear leather brimmed hats.
: Oh, well, that is a terrible fashion statement.
: Yeah, but what can you do? Heâs âboobsâ been stuck wearing those same clothes for like, a decade.
: Oh, I thought you were going to say you were going to beat some fashion sense into him.
: Nah, heâs too far gone. Iâll just beat him regular and deny his team a chance at fighting El Combatiente and I at the PPV.
: You turning down the fight? That doesnât sound like you at all.
: Well, no, but Iâm also not letting him win. Like I said, he got through the cheap way.
: I just assumed you would âboobsâ want to beat him up and then beat him up again.
: Yeah⊠youâre right! See, this is why I like having you around, you have good ideas. Thanks Obama!
: No problem pal. What about the other guy?
: Oh Dylan? At least he earned his shot the right way. By grabbing my C.O.C.K. along with Valentine. Dylan may be terrible at figuring out who murdered his family and keeping his limbs, but heâs great at battle royals and winning the big ones. So around him, I really have to be on my toes. Although I have beaten him in a triple threat before.
: You did? I mean, Dylan was the longest reigning X*Crown champion since Hardcore Harry, I donât remember you two squaring off.
: He went by a different name then. At least in that fed. While being Dylan elsewhere. One of those losers with dual personalities, what a lame gimmick. Right?
: Uh⊠hey look I think thereâs boobs over there.
: Sweet. Anyway, what a surprise he was to join the C.O.C.K. battle royal, but he won it with Valentine and good on them. Valentine is already a regular Firesider, but a big gun in the fed, no doubt. But Dylan being an open door entrant, thatâs just what the doctor ordered. I wanted âboobsâ some open door challenger to win so I can burn that damn door down. And Dylan is probably the biggest open door man you can get. After I put him down in this triple threat, and then put him down at the PPV, no one will want to walk through that door ever again.
: Wait, so you are fighting both teams at the PPV?
: Maybe? When Combatiente and I win, we can choose our opponents. If we somehow fluke lose by our opponents pinning each other or some other Caffrey nonsense, then their team gets into the match, so each other team fluke wins one, itâll be a triple threat, but if only one team fluke wins one of the matches, itâll be just two teams. But in the more likely event both BANG! Hermanos win, then I still wanted to pick the C.O.C.K. guys because they earned it and my aforementioned plan of burning down the open door. But with your worldly insight, youâve made me realize I should also put in the two lazy asses who skipped fighting for my C.O.C.K. to teach them a lesson and get more BANG! for my buck.
: Well, glad we could get that all figured âboobs- out.
: So glad you convinced me to come down âold lady boobs! Ew! Nevermind, Iâm not glad anymore.
: Everyone is beautiful in their own way. But yeah, thatâs not cool.
: Theyâre bouncing off her knees!
: Itâs like a skin scarf. Why is she waving at us?
: Just throw some beads and make her go away.
*Obama throws a dozen beads off the balcony.*
: Oh no! It just made her friends join in!
: Itâs like itâs a dozen of the worst street sweepers Iâve ever seen.
: Someone make this stop.
*Almost as if on cue, the parade float passing in front of the presidents lets out a loud âBOOM!â that makes the music stop all around. Confetti flies everywhere. As it settles a man stands atop the float. He looks like some sort of voodoo shaman.*
: Don't you disrespect my people little men!
Don't you derogate or deride!
You're in my world now
Not your world
And I got friends on the other side!
: UhâŠwhat?
: Idunno what this is. Is this part of the show?
*A board emerges from the float and makes a bridge from the float to the balcony. The shaman dances across and jumps down next to the presidents.*
: That's an entrance, gentlemen,
Just a little something we do here in Louisiana
A little parlor trick. Don't worry.
*The shaman pulls out chairs of a nearby cafe table and offers a seat.*
: Sit down at my table
Put your minds at ease
If you relax it will enable me to do anything I please
: Well, when in Rome, er, Nawlins.
: This doesnât sound like a good idea.
*Curtis makes Obama sit, and then takes the other chair.*
: I can read your future
I can change it 'round some, too
I'll look deep into your heart and soul
(You do have a soul, don't you, Curtis?)
Make your wildest dreams come true!
: I mean, weâve already had most our wild dreams come true.
: I got voodoo, I got hoodoo
I got things I ain't even tried!
And I got friends on the other side
The cards, the cards, the cards will tell
The past, the present, and the future as well!
The cards, the cards, just take three
Take a little trip into your future with me!
*The shaman holds out a fan of tarot cards and awaits the presidents to pick.*
: Aw see, this is fun!
: Well, if you say so. Itâs better than old lady boobs.
: Now you, young manâŠ
: Wait a minute, whereâs my wallet?
: Look at that, this fortune says Iâve gotta go!
*The shaman then darts to his bridge and down onto the float.*
: Sic Semper Tyrannis!
: Hey! Get back here you bastard!
*Curtis charges after him. Obama follows suit. The shaman jumps off the float and runs through the college band behind it. Curtis and Obama push through as well.*
: Leave me be!
: Give us back our wallets!
: NEVAH!
*The shaman runs through the Absinthe House and down the alley. Curtis and Barack follow, ducking through and around tubas and dancers and people in masks and other floats and finally they get to clearing a few blocks away, and the shaman canât be seen.*
: Where yâat!? Where yâat you jerk bag!
: Whoâdat?
: Howâd you get over here?
: On break cher.
: Weâre looking for some creepy shaman voodoo guy who stole our wallets. What kind of laissez faire attitude is that?
: Itâs very faire âround these parts mon amie. But I tell you what, I saw some painted up wackadoo runninâ into the cemetair ovaâdere.
*The man points toward Saint Louis Cemetery #1.*
: I have a bad feeling about thisâŠ
: Thanks Obama.
**Fade swipe.**
*We now see the two presidents inspecting the cemetery. They look around Nic Cageâs pyramid and donât see the shaman. Then then see a few other above ground graves. Curtis even tries to open one, but itâs luckily sealed.*
: This is nuts.
: I know, I am not comfortable snooping around graves.
: Oh no, that partâs fine. Reminds me of childhood. No, I mean a voodoo shaman stole our wallets? Itâs just wild.
: Wait, I think I see something⊠nope, just boobs.
: No wait, over there!
*Curtis points and then they run over to Marie Laveauâs Tomb and see a lump under a grey blanket, trying to blend in, but a shoe is sticking out. Kanyon motions to Obama to stay quiet. He then grabs the blanket and yanks it off, revealing the shaman!*
: We have you now!
: AAAHHH! DONâT HURT ME!
: Who are you? Why are you doing this?
: Money⊠and revenge!
: I donât know you.
: Oh donât you!
*The shaman pulls out a cloth and wipes his face.*
: Dylan!?
: No, it is I, Anomolyâs twin!
: He doesnât look anything like Dyâ
: I should have known the next time I face your brother, youâd be snooping around!
: Is this a thing?
: Not for years. You really out to steal our wallets to help your brother?
: No actually, I was hired.
: By me!
*Ken Griffey Jr. comes out from behind the tomb.*
: We were going to steal your identities and make sure your life was hell so that when the time came for your triple threat, you would surely lose! Give my number one fan the edge!
: You people would do that.
: CURTIS!
: What? I meant Death Trap fans!
: Give us back our wallets!
: NEVA!
: You two will never see your wallets agaâ
: Boobs!
*Curtis points and Ken Griffey looks in that direction. As soon as he looks away, Curtis charges and BANG! Ken Griffey Jr is down!*
: What!? You canât jusâ
*Obama his Anomolyâs twin with a BANG!*
: Yeah, take that freak!
: Canât believe these two were trying to screw me.
: That guy still doesnât look like Dylan.
: Well of course, he has all his limbs. Letâs get out of here.
*Curtis kicks KGJ one more time and they walk out of the cemetery triumphant.*
: Oh, wait!
*Obama runs back and grabs there wallets.*
: Oh right, duh.
**Fade out.**