Updated, Now with Poll: Unnamed Show [Week of May 5th CARD]
Apr 2, 2022 17:45:26 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Curtis D. Kanyon, and 6 more like this
Post by anthonycaffrey on Apr 2, 2022 17:45:26 GMT -5
Good evening FIRESIDE Faithful,
This is going to be a bit of a weird conversation, mostly me shouting into a void about rare topics like self care, mental health, and spite. Let me start this way:
Last night in the real world, it was my friend’s last day of work at the job I just started a few months ago. We all went out to a rooftop bar, I -- a famous lightweight -- made it my goal to drink if she put something in front of me, but otherwise just have a good time. And I did, to the point I was so plastered that on the train home to Wilmington, I got off to use the restroom, lost my wallet, had to pay for a pricey Uber home, then cancel my debit/credit card.
And despite the shitty ending, I still had a lot of fun. I had a great time.
On Mondays, I host trivia online with my friends -- always a good time, just a different space. As we concluded our evening, we talked about mental health and self-care. I rattled off my self-care -- mostly these days playing Elden Ring (I’m level 124, whatup). My friends were quick to point out that with my lack of anything else, no, my escapism was not really self-care. And they were right. I’m ass at self-care.
As this realization hit me, I started thinking about my escapism and my amount of screen time. One of the biggest thing that hits me is that every third week, I read promos (which takes me two days because while I do like them, self dread sets in), then at this point procrastinate until the last day possible, order pizza/Five Guys on a Thursday (then I wonder why I’m 15 pounds overweight), write a match for three to five hours, have to write another match or clean up the show/get it assembled for posting, then ride whatever reaction we get on Friday and post another card and the cycle repeats. I actively do not enjoy myself on show weeks, this week I missed a hangout on Thursday night and didn’t get to bed until 1am because of showrunning. Granted, that’s a lot on me, but that’s not my point.
Being a fedhead isn’t really fun for me anymore.
Yeah.
Ouch.
When I started FIRESIDE, a lot of what I was doing was because I had hatred and spite in my heart for how things were run and how things were done. I ran on spite and hatred, which might be one of the most powerful motivators on the planet. It’s basically public information at this point, but I got into fedheadding because I hated AWF/SWAT/[name removed] and wanted to do better than them. Fast forward a year and a half, and we won. My enemies are no more. On a less harmful side, I wanted to get the people over that I wanted to get over, and I can tell you we definitely did that. I also wanted to write bangers, something that I like doing. After a year of writing X-Crown bangers and Fuel for the Fire’s main event a few days ago, I can tell you we definitely did that.
But one thing I definitely did not do-- the thing about the spite and the hatred in me is that while I could direct that anger towards others and use it to light the way, that didn’t mean it ever subsided. Spite is a fuel alright, but it burns dirty as hell. And now that I’ve got nothing left to spite write against, well now the spite and hatred has swung back full circle and struck me square between the eyes. I think writing that I hate myself is kind of an overstatement, but a deeper part of me would say that that’s because I’m trying to frame it as anything other than the truth to feel better about things.
This video helped a bit in thinking about that -- John Green is a famous author I admire, and hearing him use spite as a motivator vindicated me, at least until it became hauntingly clear that spite really sucks:
In the past few days I’ve floated this out to a handful of you actively involved trying to figure out if I really felt this way -- FIRESIDE is fantastic, maybe the best e-fed I’ve ever been apart of. One of you said that the place felt like it had a few more years, so why now?
The answer is that this by no means sparks joy anymore -- or at least not enough joy to combat the week of self-hatred that comes like clockwork with showrunning. On top of that, I think FIRESIDE got off to such a hot start because of the pandemic -- being locked away for two years really gives you nothing else to do or think about things like efedding, especially as you’re trying to escape the neverending hellstorm. But as I sat there in the early morning after puking my guts up, I realized that even though I lost my wallet, even though I felt horribly sick, I was getting more fun out of getting out and living life last night than I was from maybe the past few months of efedding. I’ve wanted to have fun, and my oh my have I not had fun like that in efedding in ages.
A small example of the different types of loathing I now have for myself in efedding is actually Fuel for the Fire. I felt great about the cage match, but I felt absolutely terrible that I ran out of time to make sure that Sam Sawyer’s title match was up to my personal level of standards (which is admittedly too high at this point) in about an equal level of intensity. Sam Sawyer has been doing fantastic work in keeping this fed floating along, honestly this message probably goes out a few months earlier without their help -- while Fizz and I have been troopers (Fizz is also wonderful, don’t get me wrong), I ask Sam for a match on Monday and by Tuesday it’s in my box. It’s fucking amazing, and I wanted to pay them back by writing an underrated banger, but I ran out of resources and time and had to hire out, and then even then while the match ended up being good, just mentally feel like shit about it. Sorry. This is just one incident, there’s many other things in this hobby that make me feel this way these days.
[Insert paragraph about efedding/being a fedhead being super ungratifying, feeling unappreciated at times, the jokes/tropes about that, how I think that’ll never change, fights I've had in the larger community, unless it changes radically (maybe even with Patreon of all things?). I’m not here to point fingers at anyone but me today.]
One thing that I think that we did radically change was that people could be who they really were or wanted to be and then figure out how much they wanted that to be a part of their story. In the past ten years, being gay or LGBT meant that you were going to have to deal with a slew of homophobia, and good luck winning a world title. Now? Being LGBT -- being yourself -- means as much as you want it to mean for your character. It could either mean the world, or it couldn’t matter at all because that’s outside the ring and inside the ring, your wrestler just kicks all of the ass. This (and maybe the scheduling/RP limit choosing) is the big thing I want everyone to take away from this experience.
Efedding as a place to express yourself -- really every side of yourself, not just the cool tough person parts -- is what I think this hobby needs if it’s going to survive. Please note that I share no ill-will towards video game feds, maybe they’re the solution to everyone wanting five-star matches but no one wanting to write them, but my point is that if there’s no good way//space to be yourself, to have an outlet, to engage in this medium and have your authentic voice heard, then I really think this method of the medium -- RPing every X weeks and having a show and going on -- is going to die within the next three-to-five years. I think Mongo and the XHF staff, as much as we’ve butted heads/I’ve shit on some of their decisions in the past, are doing a phenomenal job. But I think that even with this space available, I don’t know if the hobby is churning out as much long-term love of the craft as it needs to replace the older e-fedders retiring, quitting, or honestly, dying off. Something that influenced this decision as well was reading some of the Rumble RPs -- not that anything in there made me clutch my pearls and go “why I never, I quit!” like a prohibitionist preacher, but that I could see those people clearly have a love for this hobby that I simply don’t anymore. Even with the heel turn and getting back into writing a personal character, I’m not having fun, and loving this seems like a fucking alien concept at this point.
I have plans to move this summer back to my home city of Philadelphia I truly love, and to really start living again. I’m hoping to exercise more, be healthier (maybe a little less booze next time Ant), and probably most importantly, start finding the “love for myself” in a way that I love my friends. Oh, and self-care in a way that doesn’t involve escaping to a screen. Wish me luck; this is gonna suck. (I’m pulling out of all e-fedding by the way. This is not a one or the other thing.)
And so all of that’s why FIRESIDE will close sometime May 5th - May 8th (I’m building us a buffer, I will let people know when we get closer what the exact date is because it’s my last banger goddamnit and I want it to be good, plus I might end up having some kind of plans this week/this weekend). I also didn’t want to overshadow the Rumble and the hard work DT is going to do to make things special.
The card that’s incoming is a special show-ending match. We started with a grand half roster vs. half roster elimination tag match, and that’s how we’re going to end, with a few special twists I’ll share soon. Sign-ups will begin on Monday and last through the Friday, anyone who’s ever wrestled or had a roster application up for FIRESIDE is invited to compete.
(So yeah, I know some of you think I hate you, but if you wanna put that aside, I’m willing to start working towards not being a spiteful bastard by having you on the show, as you are a part of the tapestry of FIRESIDE as much as anyone else.)
Feel free to reach out and DM me or PM me with questions/comments/concerns.I will be happy to offer any kind of advice or efedding wisdom you’d like, any kind of feedback or thoughts that you think will make you a better writer and/or person. Please respectfully note that I’m not interested in [but what if] situations, it would take suddenly having a full-time staff of 6 or 7 rather than a staff of 2 + 1 to even get me to consider staying open, and we all know that’s not going to happen. When we get rolling for the show, you better fucking get in your spots and on-show promos, because we’re going to have one final kickass show.
I had an internal voice in my head saying I should say sorry for this post, but I’m not sorry. I’ve given you all I can, and at [unnamed show that we’re going to have a poll tp name because collaboration is one of our key tenets], I’ll do it one last time with the help of Fizz (and Sam if they're willing). Teach ‘em how to say goodbye, as they say.
This is going to be a bit of a weird conversation, mostly me shouting into a void about rare topics like self care, mental health, and spite. Let me start this way:
Last night in the real world, it was my friend’s last day of work at the job I just started a few months ago. We all went out to a rooftop bar, I -- a famous lightweight -- made it my goal to drink if she put something in front of me, but otherwise just have a good time. And I did, to the point I was so plastered that on the train home to Wilmington, I got off to use the restroom, lost my wallet, had to pay for a pricey Uber home, then cancel my debit/credit card.
And despite the shitty ending, I still had a lot of fun. I had a great time.
On Mondays, I host trivia online with my friends -- always a good time, just a different space. As we concluded our evening, we talked about mental health and self-care. I rattled off my self-care -- mostly these days playing Elden Ring (I’m level 124, whatup). My friends were quick to point out that with my lack of anything else, no, my escapism was not really self-care. And they were right. I’m ass at self-care.
As this realization hit me, I started thinking about my escapism and my amount of screen time. One of the biggest thing that hits me is that every third week, I read promos (which takes me two days because while I do like them, self dread sets in), then at this point procrastinate until the last day possible, order pizza/Five Guys on a Thursday (then I wonder why I’m 15 pounds overweight), write a match for three to five hours, have to write another match or clean up the show/get it assembled for posting, then ride whatever reaction we get on Friday and post another card and the cycle repeats. I actively do not enjoy myself on show weeks, this week I missed a hangout on Thursday night and didn’t get to bed until 1am because of showrunning. Granted, that’s a lot on me, but that’s not my point.
Being a fedhead isn’t really fun for me anymore.
Yeah.
Ouch.
When I started FIRESIDE, a lot of what I was doing was because I had hatred and spite in my heart for how things were run and how things were done. I ran on spite and hatred, which might be one of the most powerful motivators on the planet. It’s basically public information at this point, but I got into fedheadding because I hated AWF/SWAT/[name removed] and wanted to do better than them. Fast forward a year and a half, and we won. My enemies are no more. On a less harmful side, I wanted to get the people over that I wanted to get over, and I can tell you we definitely did that. I also wanted to write bangers, something that I like doing. After a year of writing X-Crown bangers and Fuel for the Fire’s main event a few days ago, I can tell you we definitely did that.
But one thing I definitely did not do-- the thing about the spite and the hatred in me is that while I could direct that anger towards others and use it to light the way, that didn’t mean it ever subsided. Spite is a fuel alright, but it burns dirty as hell. And now that I’ve got nothing left to spite write against, well now the spite and hatred has swung back full circle and struck me square between the eyes. I think writing that I hate myself is kind of an overstatement, but a deeper part of me would say that that’s because I’m trying to frame it as anything other than the truth to feel better about things.
This video helped a bit in thinking about that -- John Green is a famous author I admire, and hearing him use spite as a motivator vindicated me, at least until it became hauntingly clear that spite really sucks:
In the past few days I’ve floated this out to a handful of you actively involved trying to figure out if I really felt this way -- FIRESIDE is fantastic, maybe the best e-fed I’ve ever been apart of. One of you said that the place felt like it had a few more years, so why now?
The answer is that this by no means sparks joy anymore -- or at least not enough joy to combat the week of self-hatred that comes like clockwork with showrunning. On top of that, I think FIRESIDE got off to such a hot start because of the pandemic -- being locked away for two years really gives you nothing else to do or think about things like efedding, especially as you’re trying to escape the neverending hellstorm. But as I sat there in the early morning after puking my guts up, I realized that even though I lost my wallet, even though I felt horribly sick, I was getting more fun out of getting out and living life last night than I was from maybe the past few months of efedding. I’ve wanted to have fun, and my oh my have I not had fun like that in efedding in ages.
A small example of the different types of loathing I now have for myself in efedding is actually Fuel for the Fire. I felt great about the cage match, but I felt absolutely terrible that I ran out of time to make sure that Sam Sawyer’s title match was up to my personal level of standards (which is admittedly too high at this point) in about an equal level of intensity. Sam Sawyer has been doing fantastic work in keeping this fed floating along, honestly this message probably goes out a few months earlier without their help -- while Fizz and I have been troopers (Fizz is also wonderful, don’t get me wrong), I ask Sam for a match on Monday and by Tuesday it’s in my box. It’s fucking amazing, and I wanted to pay them back by writing an underrated banger, but I ran out of resources and time and had to hire out, and then even then while the match ended up being good, just mentally feel like shit about it. Sorry. This is just one incident, there’s many other things in this hobby that make me feel this way these days.
[Insert paragraph about efedding/being a fedhead being super ungratifying, feeling unappreciated at times, the jokes/tropes about that, how I think that’ll never change, fights I've had in the larger community, unless it changes radically (maybe even with Patreon of all things?). I’m not here to point fingers at anyone but me today.]
One thing that I think that we did radically change was that people could be who they really were or wanted to be and then figure out how much they wanted that to be a part of their story. In the past ten years, being gay or LGBT meant that you were going to have to deal with a slew of homophobia, and good luck winning a world title. Now? Being LGBT -- being yourself -- means as much as you want it to mean for your character. It could either mean the world, or it couldn’t matter at all because that’s outside the ring and inside the ring, your wrestler just kicks all of the ass. This (and maybe the scheduling/RP limit choosing) is the big thing I want everyone to take away from this experience.
Efedding as a place to express yourself -- really every side of yourself, not just the cool tough person parts -- is what I think this hobby needs if it’s going to survive. Please note that I share no ill-will towards video game feds, maybe they’re the solution to everyone wanting five-star matches but no one wanting to write them, but my point is that if there’s no good way//space to be yourself, to have an outlet, to engage in this medium and have your authentic voice heard, then I really think this method of the medium -- RPing every X weeks and having a show and going on -- is going to die within the next three-to-five years. I think Mongo and the XHF staff, as much as we’ve butted heads/I’ve shit on some of their decisions in the past, are doing a phenomenal job. But I think that even with this space available, I don’t know if the hobby is churning out as much long-term love of the craft as it needs to replace the older e-fedders retiring, quitting, or honestly, dying off. Something that influenced this decision as well was reading some of the Rumble RPs -- not that anything in there made me clutch my pearls and go “why I never, I quit!” like a prohibitionist preacher, but that I could see those people clearly have a love for this hobby that I simply don’t anymore. Even with the heel turn and getting back into writing a personal character, I’m not having fun, and loving this seems like a fucking alien concept at this point.
I have plans to move this summer back to my home city of Philadelphia I truly love, and to really start living again. I’m hoping to exercise more, be healthier (maybe a little less booze next time Ant), and probably most importantly, start finding the “love for myself” in a way that I love my friends. Oh, and self-care in a way that doesn’t involve escaping to a screen. Wish me luck; this is gonna suck. (I’m pulling out of all e-fedding by the way. This is not a one or the other thing.)
And so all of that’s why FIRESIDE will close sometime May 5th - May 8th (I’m building us a buffer, I will let people know when we get closer what the exact date is because it’s my last banger goddamnit and I want it to be good, plus I might end up having some kind of plans this week/this weekend). I also didn’t want to overshadow the Rumble and the hard work DT is going to do to make things special.
The card that’s incoming is a special show-ending match. We started with a grand half roster vs. half roster elimination tag match, and that’s how we’re going to end, with a few special twists I’ll share soon. Sign-ups will begin on Monday and last through the Friday, anyone who’s ever wrestled or had a roster application up for FIRESIDE is invited to compete.
(So yeah, I know some of you think I hate you, but if you wanna put that aside, I’m willing to start working towards not being a spiteful bastard by having you on the show, as you are a part of the tapestry of FIRESIDE as much as anyone else.)
Feel free to reach out and DM me or PM me with questions/comments/concerns.I will be happy to offer any kind of advice or efedding wisdom you’d like, any kind of feedback or thoughts that you think will make you a better writer and/or person. Please respectfully note that I’m not interested in [but what if] situations, it would take suddenly having a full-time staff of 6 or 7 rather than a staff of 2 + 1 to even get me to consider staying open, and we all know that’s not going to happen. When we get rolling for the show, you better fucking get in your spots and on-show promos, because we’re going to have one final kickass show.
I had an internal voice in my head saying I should say sorry for this post, but I’m not sorry. I’ve given you all I can, and at [unnamed show that we’re going to have a poll tp name because collaboration is one of our key tenets], I’ll do it one last time with the help of Fizz (and Sam if they're willing). Teach ‘em how to say goodbye, as they say.
Thanks for reading,
Anthony
Anthony