PICK ME, UNCLE LONGBOY! | Touchdown CD

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Thanks For Tunin' In

Three
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One

Let's Jam!

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"Alright, I just… I have to again stress how irregular this situation is."

Luis De León looks up from the paper, bewildered. Head kept upright by his hand with an expression of bile fascination as he scans the paper once more.

His eyes glance towards the man responsible, sat across León's makeshift office desk, seemingly non-understanding of this bizarre situation. One, Alastor Touchdown.

"Look, man, you're focusin' on the "What". You need to be lookin' at the "Why."" Touchdown says with clear exasperation.

""Why" is the question I keep asking myself. I'm just the backstage interviewer. I don't have sway on Long's booking decisions any more than you do. Plus, even if I did?"

He holds up and taps the paper.

"Most people don't hand in a resume to apply for a wrestling tournament." He almost laughs as he points out this simple fact.

Touchdown shakes his head.

"Most people don't paint lil lightning bolt thingys on their eyes. But, most people aren't Ziggy Stardust. Dig?" He raises an eyebrow.

"You're comparing yourself to Dav-"

"I'm saying, dude, that I'm a different kinda Coors Light! One that you and the wrestling world ain't used to! That, if you wanna make your mark on the world, you gotta go against the grain and be different! That resume, yeah it's not the standard thing, but its fresh! It makes a mark on you and, hopefully, on Uncle Longboy! It showcases all my strengths and what I, "The Master Of Disaster", bring to the table."

Leaning back. Eyes closed while speaking, as though saying the most profound words anyone has or ever will again.

"Different? Oh, different?" Luis flashes a bemused smirk. "Great, I was gonna bring up the resume itself. First off, this is HALF a resume."

Alastor opens his eyes. "Well, yeah man. Half of it’s mine and half is Jimi's." He clarifies, as though the most obvious fact in the world.

"Right. Most people don't SHARE a resume."

"Why?" Touchdown asks, clearly taken aback. "It saves paper."

"That would explain why it's handwritten." Luis murmurs to himself. "It barely even makes sense too." He reads aloud. "Like, you wrote down: “Strengths. For several years I have been completely in charge of pretty much everything in my life.”"

"Oh, no, that's actually one of Jimi's." Alastor says, shaking his head with a smile.

“More of a… Statement than an actual strength.” Luis comments, not looking up from the paper.

“Well, he sort of has… Y’know, a grasp of what he’s doing on a day-to-day basis”

"Right. God, what else… Work history… Which seems to be just two thousand and six to two thousand and seven for the both of you. Education: “The Streets.” There’s… A three year gap after that and all you put was: “Taking Care Of Business”. I’m not- Is that for you or-?"

Touchdown nods solemnly. “T.C.O.B.”

Luis squints. “There’s… A drawing of, I think… Is that Apollo Creed from ‘Rocky’?”

“Well, I was sort of hoping to allude that Mr. Creed there is the kind of standard of excellence I’m hoping to bring to the table.” This garners a blank stare from Luis. Alastor shakes his head and inhales. "Look, man. Can I bare my soul to you for a sec?" Touchdown asks, vulnerability seeping into his previously bombastic way of speaking.

"Why not." Luis replies, sighing as he puts the resume down.

"This? Is huge for me. I've always wanted to do this." Leaning forward, sincerity catching Luis off-guard. "Me and Jimi are always gonna be the Honey and Vinegar legends of tag team wrestling. We're still gonna be gunning for every tag title Mongo's network absorbs Into its mass. But… You gotta do stuff for YOU once in a while! You gotta bust a nut solo once in a while! Can't do it with your homie back-to-back every time, you know what I’m saying?"

"Wha-"

"I'm not a proud man neither." Touchdown continues, leaning back again and instantaneously switching to a matter of fact way of speaking. "I'll do all kinds of stupid shit the other IPW members don’t wanna do, I’ll degrade myself, I- I'll make a genuine ass outta myself. Jump off stuff, glue my head to my shoulder for a whole match, hey I'll swallow that pencil sharpener whole to prove it to you right NOW!"

Whipping himself into "big promo mode", Touchdown picks up the sharpener. Fingers trembling with intensity. Luis tries to defuse the situation by holding his hands up while chuckling, despite the insanity he's had to bear witness.

"No, no, that won't be necessary." Luis says between laughter as he takes the sharpener from Touchdown, calming himself down before continuing. "Look, like I said, I don't have much sway with the boss. But… I do like your enthusiasm so I'll try what I can."

Seemingly not understanding or still in a "promo high", Touchdown does not stop shaking.

"Are you sure man!? I'll swallow it whole!"

“No, you don’t have to do that. I gotta say I’ve never seen someone so passionate about getting an entry level spot into a tournament.”

“The passion that I have for the work that I do is vast. It probably goes beyond Apollo, now that I think about it.” Touchdown points. “And I’m serious, I’ll eat that pencil sharpener whole!” He reaches for it.

“Oh no, it’s not needed.” Luis replies, waving his hand away. “You don’t need to eat the thing to prove your point. I… I agreed, I’ll try to put in a good word.” He adds, smiling in spite of the absurdity.

“Are you for real?”

“Yeah why not, I like your enthusiasm Mr. Touchdown.”

“Pal, I am not gonna let you down. I mean, I’m gonna start promoting my place in the tournament IMMEDIATELY.” The Crazy White Boy says, standing up while beaming.

“Ok, well, you’re not actually in the tournament ye-”

Alastor cuts him, pointing once more at the sharpener. “Before I go, can I please eat the pencil sharpener?”

“Y-... You’re saying you want to eat the sharpener?”

“Well, I’m more so wondering if it’s edible cause it’s blue and it certainly smells a little like grapes.”

“I don’t think it’s edible.”

“Can I just test it?”

“I’d rather you didn’t. I might need it. You know, to sharpen something.”

“Alright… Well, hey! You win this one; I’ll swing by the store, buy one myself, I’ll eat that one. That way everybody’s happy!”

Touchdown jumps up and smacks the top frame of the door in jubilation as he leaves the room.

“WOOOO!” He yells. Triumphant screaming echoing down the hallway.

Luis sits in silence. Touchdown’s yells still faintly picked up in the background. He sighs as he goes back to his work.

“Jesus.”

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