Post by Kilroy on Apr 16, 2022 11:06:45 GMT -5
[The shot opens on, after all this time, Kilroy Evans. It's a close shot of his shoulders and face as he stares out of a window while rain pours down the outside of it. He stares through it, obviously forlorn. After about a minute of the soothing, constant flow of rain down the window, Kilroy speaks in a quiet, sad tone.]
Kilroy Evans: Do you think it's true? After all this time...
[He looks down and contemplates. His face contorts in emotional pain.]
Kilroy Evans: ...have I...
[For your consideration.]
Kilroy Evans: ...become soft?
[Kilroy looks up and to his left, toward off-camera.]
Kilroy Evans: That's not rhetorical, I'm looking for a response here.
[The shot pulls out to reveal that Kilroy is looking out of a window...in a Lowe's display area. The "rain" is actually water hitting the window for a sprinkler rigged up to do so. There's an underpaid Lowe's employee standing nearby, arms folded and frowning at him.]
Underpaid Lowe's Employee: I've been instructed not to respond to anything you say to me. Also, I have no idea who you are.
Kilroy Evans: I'm Kilroy.
Underpaid Lowe's Employee: 'kay.
Kilroy Evans: So...?
Kilroy Evans: Man, these are some quality windows. They might be a good investment, what's the brand?
[The shot jumpcuts to a room that's just a giant, white featureless void. Despite that, it feels cozy and familiar. Kilroy walks in and stares down into the lens, smiling.]
Kilroy Evans: Well, that's another Lowe's I'm not allowed to physically enter anymore!
[He makes a surprised face and holds up a finger before running off-screen and returning with a stool. There's a few seconds of making sure it's positioned well before he sits down on it.]
Kilroy Evans: I'd lay down some tape to remember where to put that thing, but it'd defeat the purpose of this place. *claps hands* Where was I?
[Kilroy locks eyes with the camera again and the smile gets bigger.]
Kilroy Evans: So, the scrolling text has finally rolled across the screen. Somehow, Hardkore World has returned. And I have been summoned, RPG style, back to it to do what I do best.
[The shot cuts to a brief clip of Kilroy sitting somewhere, contentedly scratching a spot on one of his forearms.]
Kilroy Evans: What've I been up to? That's a good question, me. Thank you, me. I've been here and there, doing this and that. Oh, I got my own camera person and editor now, which is fully plausible thanks to the modern video making and streaming landscape. Say hi, loyal film crew!
[The camera bobs up and down briefly. A graphic pops onscreen via lightning special effects and reads "THE PAYMENTS KEEP CLEARING (I'M CHARGING EXTRA FOR THIS)"]
Kilroy Evans: They love me. You know, this is a new era for Hardkore World and for me. We should do something special. Oh! One of those nice overproduced intros that make it look like I'm self-financing an online series to get picked up for a streaming service. Maybe make it look like a travelogue show with a quasi-clever name.
[The shot cuts to a clip of Kilroy striding confidently across a city street, wearing jeans, sneakers, and a classic Hardkore World t-shirt, rolling luggage behind him. He passes by an obvious "ONE WAY" street sign that is pointing the opposite direction. He moves down the street as "Back To Life" by Mystery Skulls plays. As he moves across the screen a title is revealed that says "KILROY IS HERE." A "SKIP INTRO" button appears in the lower right corner of the shot, but, when pressed, turns into a laughing emoji. The shot cuts back to Kilroy in the white room.]
Kilroy Evans: Oh yeah. That's the kind of thing to fall asleep to and immediately forget on a random Wednesday night. Anyway.
[Kilroy turns around on the stool as though he's going to address a different camera. The shot shifts accordingly and looks exactly the same as before.]
Kilroy Evans: I saw your message, Sheik. I listened very closely to everything your mouthpiece had to say. And once he was done I knew one thing for sure.
[Kilroy's polite s ile disappears as he starts laughing. He laughs hard enough that he slides off the stool and sits on the floor, trying to compose himself. He finally struggles back up onto the stool.]
Kilroy Evans: *still suppressing laughter* That's some fuckin' bait, dude! Oh! *chef's kiss* You laid it down perfectly, so many tasty little morsels to bite on and get hooked by! Bravo!
[Kilroy gives a polite golf clap. His cheery smile is unwavering.]
Kilroy Evans: And it's not like I think you're not being real or that you're lying. I believe in your sincerity one hundred percent. I love it. You hear me, Jonnie? I was hoping for something special for my return and you've nailed it!
[The shot cuts to a photo of Kilroy holding the Hardkore World Title the last time he won it. It's captioned: "BTW, DO YOU NEED THIS BACK? DON'T REMEMBER RETURNING IT."]
Kilroy Evans: This is the genius of "Hardkore" Jonnie Valentine. He not only put me against someone that he knew would make sure I'd hit the ground running, he's got me doing some very important on-the-job mentoring. Yeah, that's right. Sheik, this match is super important for you and you told the whole world why.
[Kilroy pauses and holds up an index finger. His own, thankfully.]
Kilroy Evans: Well, your spokesperson, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, did. He laid it out perfectly why I need to personally sponsor your ass-kicking in Palm Springs. I just...
[Kilroy chokes up, visibly looking like he's holding back tears. Not-Sarah McLachlan starts vocalizing in the background. The editor hi-fives themselves.]
Kilroy Evans: It's just so sad to me that you don't understand. All your life, you've had to scrape by in one of the harshest environments for a person. You said so yours---by proxy. Every day, hour, and possibly minute why not, a violent struggle. Fighting nonstop for the simple basics of life. And I heard that story and my heart broke. It's not fair! It's not fair that you've never had a chance to ENJOY the violent struggle in your life!
[Kilroy jumps off the stool and angrily kicks it over. He paces around quickly.]
Kilroy Evans: It's criminal, is what it is! All that time spent fearing that one mistake would make it all for nothing and that filling you with dread instead of the thrill of adventure! That you had no time to think back on victories past and only see them as means of survival. That's not fair. That's not fair to you at all!
[Kilroy stops his frenzied pacing and walks up near the camera.]
Kilroy Evans: But! Lucky you, Jonnie has brought me here to help you discover what you're gonna need the most to make it here. I'm gonna help you discover the joy of fighting!
[As Kilroy looks at the camera, his smile grows.]
Kilroy Evans: Anyone can fight like their life depends on it, Sheik! But can you truly live while doing it? That's the challenge!
[Kilroy slowly gets uncomfortably close to the camera.]
Kilroy Evans: Your ill-informed friend has led you astray, Sheik. You see, this overgrown Hobbit HAS seen the world outside his door, over and over again. I've learned so much while let loose, unsupervised, on the world. And at Palm Springs, I'm going to show you the fruits of my discoveries...and give a refresher to the world at large about what it means to be across the ring from me.
[The shot is close on Kilroy's face as he speaks again. He's unflinchingly calm, with only some slight facial tics betraying his true excitement.]
Kilroy Evans: We will drown in violence, with no sign of land. I will take you down with me, hand over hand. I hope you die.
[Kilroy pauses for what feels like minutes, but is likely a few seconds. His expression never wavers. He doesn't even seem to blink.]
Kilroy Evans: I hope we both die.
[Kilroy's smile becomes toothy and seemingly bigger than it should.
Kilroy Evans: Wouldn't THAT be a grand adventure?
Kilroy Evans: Do you think it's true? After all this time...
[He looks down and contemplates. His face contorts in emotional pain.]
Kilroy Evans: ...have I...
[For your consideration.]
Kilroy Evans: ...become soft?
[Kilroy looks up and to his left, toward off-camera.]
Kilroy Evans: That's not rhetorical, I'm looking for a response here.
[The shot pulls out to reveal that Kilroy is looking out of a window...in a Lowe's display area. The "rain" is actually water hitting the window for a sprinkler rigged up to do so. There's an underpaid Lowe's employee standing nearby, arms folded and frowning at him.]
Underpaid Lowe's Employee: I've been instructed not to respond to anything you say to me. Also, I have no idea who you are.
Kilroy Evans: I'm Kilroy.
Underpaid Lowe's Employee: 'kay.
Kilroy Evans: So...?
Underpaid Lowe's Employee: The cops are already on their way.
[Kilroy looks back at the window.]
Kilroy Evans: Man, these are some quality windows. They might be a good investment, what's the brand?
[The shot jumpcuts to a room that's just a giant, white featureless void. Despite that, it feels cozy and familiar. Kilroy walks in and stares down into the lens, smiling.]
Kilroy Evans: Well, that's another Lowe's I'm not allowed to physically enter anymore!
[He makes a surprised face and holds up a finger before running off-screen and returning with a stool. There's a few seconds of making sure it's positioned well before he sits down on it.]
Kilroy Evans: I'd lay down some tape to remember where to put that thing, but it'd defeat the purpose of this place. *claps hands* Where was I?
[Kilroy locks eyes with the camera again and the smile gets bigger.]
Kilroy Evans: So, the scrolling text has finally rolled across the screen. Somehow, Hardkore World has returned. And I have been summoned, RPG style, back to it to do what I do best.
[The shot cuts to a brief clip of Kilroy sitting somewhere, contentedly scratching a spot on one of his forearms.]
Kilroy Evans: What've I been up to? That's a good question, me. Thank you, me. I've been here and there, doing this and that. Oh, I got my own camera person and editor now, which is fully plausible thanks to the modern video making and streaming landscape. Say hi, loyal film crew!
[The camera bobs up and down briefly. A graphic pops onscreen via lightning special effects and reads "THE PAYMENTS KEEP CLEARING (I'M CHARGING EXTRA FOR THIS)"]
Kilroy Evans: They love me. You know, this is a new era for Hardkore World and for me. We should do something special. Oh! One of those nice overproduced intros that make it look like I'm self-financing an online series to get picked up for a streaming service. Maybe make it look like a travelogue show with a quasi-clever name.
[The shot cuts to a clip of Kilroy striding confidently across a city street, wearing jeans, sneakers, and a classic Hardkore World t-shirt, rolling luggage behind him. He passes by an obvious "ONE WAY" street sign that is pointing the opposite direction. He moves down the street as "Back To Life" by Mystery Skulls plays. As he moves across the screen a title is revealed that says "KILROY IS HERE." A "SKIP INTRO" button appears in the lower right corner of the shot, but, when pressed, turns into a laughing emoji. The shot cuts back to Kilroy in the white room.]
Kilroy Evans: Oh yeah. That's the kind of thing to fall asleep to and immediately forget on a random Wednesday night. Anyway.
[Kilroy turns around on the stool as though he's going to address a different camera. The shot shifts accordingly and looks exactly the same as before.]
Kilroy Evans: I saw your message, Sheik. I listened very closely to everything your mouthpiece had to say. And once he was done I knew one thing for sure.
[Kilroy's polite s ile disappears as he starts laughing. He laughs hard enough that he slides off the stool and sits on the floor, trying to compose himself. He finally struggles back up onto the stool.]
Kilroy Evans: *still suppressing laughter* That's some fuckin' bait, dude! Oh! *chef's kiss* You laid it down perfectly, so many tasty little morsels to bite on and get hooked by! Bravo!
[Kilroy gives a polite golf clap. His cheery smile is unwavering.]
Kilroy Evans: And it's not like I think you're not being real or that you're lying. I believe in your sincerity one hundred percent. I love it. You hear me, Jonnie? I was hoping for something special for my return and you've nailed it!
[The shot cuts to a photo of Kilroy holding the Hardkore World Title the last time he won it. It's captioned: "BTW, DO YOU NEED THIS BACK? DON'T REMEMBER RETURNING IT."]
Kilroy Evans: This is the genius of "Hardkore" Jonnie Valentine. He not only put me against someone that he knew would make sure I'd hit the ground running, he's got me doing some very important on-the-job mentoring. Yeah, that's right. Sheik, this match is super important for you and you told the whole world why.
[Kilroy pauses and holds up an index finger. His own, thankfully.]
Kilroy Evans: Well, your spokesperson, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, did. He laid it out perfectly why I need to personally sponsor your ass-kicking in Palm Springs. I just...
[Kilroy chokes up, visibly looking like he's holding back tears. Not-Sarah McLachlan starts vocalizing in the background. The editor hi-fives themselves.]
Kilroy Evans: It's just so sad to me that you don't understand. All your life, you've had to scrape by in one of the harshest environments for a person. You said so yours---by proxy. Every day, hour, and possibly minute why not, a violent struggle. Fighting nonstop for the simple basics of life. And I heard that story and my heart broke. It's not fair! It's not fair that you've never had a chance to ENJOY the violent struggle in your life!
[Kilroy jumps off the stool and angrily kicks it over. He paces around quickly.]
Kilroy Evans: It's criminal, is what it is! All that time spent fearing that one mistake would make it all for nothing and that filling you with dread instead of the thrill of adventure! That you had no time to think back on victories past and only see them as means of survival. That's not fair. That's not fair to you at all!
[Kilroy stops his frenzied pacing and walks up near the camera.]
Kilroy Evans: But! Lucky you, Jonnie has brought me here to help you discover what you're gonna need the most to make it here. I'm gonna help you discover the joy of fighting!
[As Kilroy looks at the camera, his smile grows.]
Kilroy Evans: Anyone can fight like their life depends on it, Sheik! But can you truly live while doing it? That's the challenge!
[Kilroy slowly gets uncomfortably close to the camera.]
Kilroy Evans: Your ill-informed friend has led you astray, Sheik. You see, this overgrown Hobbit HAS seen the world outside his door, over and over again. I've learned so much while let loose, unsupervised, on the world. And at Palm Springs, I'm going to show you the fruits of my discoveries...and give a refresher to the world at large about what it means to be across the ring from me.
[The shot is close on Kilroy's face as he speaks again. He's unflinchingly calm, with only some slight facial tics betraying his true excitement.]
Kilroy Evans: We will drown in violence, with no sign of land. I will take you down with me, hand over hand. I hope you die.
[Kilroy pauses for what feels like minutes, but is likely a few seconds. His expression never wavers. He doesn't even seem to blink.]
Kilroy Evans: I hope we both die.
[Kilroy's smile becomes toothy and seemingly bigger than it should.
Kilroy Evans: Wouldn't THAT be a grand adventure?
[Kilroy holds for a second before quietly backing up, turning around, and picking up the stool. He walks off-screen and the shot fades out as music plays on.]
[Before the video ends, a thumbnail pops up for "KILROY STARES THROUGH WINDOW AT THE RAIN (WITH RAIN SFX) 10HRS"]