The Final Fireside Chat (Curtis RP)
May 2, 2022 20:20:40 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Venom š·, and 3 more like this
Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on May 2, 2022 20:20:40 GMT -5
**Fade in. Arena. Philadelphia. May 2nd.**
*Curtis stands in front of an American flag in what looks to be a locker room.*
: Ladies and gentlemenā¦ are there ladies? Oh. I guess so. I called you all here for a pep talk. We're in the heart of America. Where the Declaration of Independence was signed. Where the Liberty Bell used to ring out for our freedom. And now, for the final Fireside. And we're going to make history when we defeat those no good, piece of trash, yellow belly sons of bitches! Am I right gang!
: Ughā¦ dumbass, youāre in the wrong locker room.
*The camera pulls back to reveal Team Fizz, minus their leader, standing around the locker room.*
: I canāt believe youād be in here after the things you said about us on national TV the other night!
: You uhā¦ saw that huh?
: And what's this about us being yellow, you gabagool?
: What? Did I say yellow? Noā¦ noā¦
: Well then please mansplain to us what exactly you did say!
: I-I-Iā¦ oh, just realized I left myā¦ lawnmower on, gotta go!
*Curtis bolts out of the opposing team's locker room. A few beats later, Fizz enters.*
: What the hell was he doing here? And why is there a giant American flag in here?
: I'm still not sure.
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Washington D.C. April 30th.**
*What was Brad referring to? Find out here! We fade in at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Weāre at the presidents table where Curtis sits with Clinton, Bush, and Obama. Curtis is wiping his face as Clinton is putting down his fork, they appear to be done eating.*
: So yeah, I know, I didnāt win the Rumble, which was really disheartening, but I threw out two former Rumble winners, at the same time mind you. That basically means I retroactively won their Rumbles.
: Really? Thatās how that works.
: ā¦yes.
: Sure Curtis. But now I hear youāve got a world title shot? How does that happen when you lose a Rumble?
: And donāt forget losing those tag team belts.
: Well thanks Bill. First, the Rumble is a global event, it doesnāt really affect my home show goings on. Then, yeah, losing my tag titles sucked, but the deck was stacked against me and my buddy El Combatiente. Each team was high caliber opponents, but to fight two teams at once, well my odds of winning drastically went down. But when one door closes, you jump out a window. Thor does everything for a reason. I lost the tag titles at just the right time to cash in my Fireside cred for a world title match.
: Yeah, but isnāt it some giant tag match thingy? I mean, thatās kind of screwed up. And thatās coming from me!
: You know, it is. Caffrey let me cash in my world title shot, but of course, again he stacked the deck against me. I mean, I got my boys the BANG! Bros with me, but then a bunch of other guys I donāt know if I can trust. But Iām not going to let that stop me. Iāll BANG! every team member on the opposing team and on my own if I need to to win this match. In fact, you know what!
*Curtis slams his fists into the table and stands up. He starts walking toward the podium up front, where Trevor Noah is currently speaking.*
: And then weāve got Desanā oh hello Mr. Former President Curtis. Youāre not coming up to slap me are you?
: No, as long as you get out of my way.
: Itās just, Iām kind of in the middle of my roast here.
*Curtis gets nose to nose with Trever.*
: Move it.
: Y-y-yes sir.
*Curtis steps up to the podium.*
: Iām taking over this thing for a few minutes because, well, weāre here to celebrate the press, and what better way than to have me talk about my upcoming match.
*The audience groans.*
: Hey, when a president wrestles, the world takes notice! Not like youād know, so far up your asses about your own ratings to care what the people think.
: You tell āem buddy!
: Thanks George. Now, Iām leading a team to face off against Team Vodka Fizz to try to wrestle away the Fireside world title from him. The last Fireside show. Fizzy just won that belt from his lover Natalie, and sheās on his team to keep that belt. Seriously, thatās just a recipe for disaster. And Iām not here to get wrapped up in their sitcom relationship. But as long as that belt is between them, their will always be tension, so Iāll just remove it to save their spark, youāre welcome.
: World titles can cause a rift in a marriage? How do I get one?
: Then, Death Trap and Mistress Discipline. They were their to help make it harder for me to retain the Fireside tag titles. But they didnāt win āem. But they turned that anguish around and won the XHF tag titles. Congratulations. However, Fireside announced it was closing down within a month of them joining, coincidence? Iām just saying.
: It probably is, but just let him have this.
: Then there's Brad Kane, a bad ass in his own right. Dude loves pain, to give and receive. Well so do I! But Iām going to prove I love it more, I tell you what. Apathy, sheās a real shit talker, but I can talk shit with the best of them. Sam Sawyer, I got nothing against you buddy, sorry, youāre title loss will just be collateral damage.
: I know all about that, heh heh. I meanā¦ no I donāt.
: Joe Nobody, I came into Fireside by taking his spot. He could never measure up to me to take it back. Thatās all you need to know there. Shane Locke, youāre too boring to diss. Eddie Zepp, youāll never measure up to your brother Isaiah. Oh look, heās in the crowd tonight, āsup Isaiah! You know what Iām saying right!? Ha ha! Then Ianā¦Eenā¦Onā¦ Orookā¦ I have no idea how to pronounce your name, but Iāll steal your Lucky Charms dude. And Subject #42, you donāt even go here! What the hell is this? This is just Caffrey getting his buddy to do him a favor.
: Hey, we donāt talk about quid pro quo here.
: Oh definitely not.
*Obama just looks at them.*
: And best for last. MYOJIN. They know me. Theyāve fought me. Theyāve felt my wraith. But if Fizz is my main focus to wrestle that title away, MYOJIN is the second focus, because they are the face of Fireside. They are the heart. I love to kick a horse when itās down, and I will. I want to extinguish what little flame is left of Fireside. It will be scorched earth, and the only reminiscence of Caffreyās old regime will be me carrying around that title and rubbing in his face that I took it all away from him!
: Which is not how we Presidentās think while in office, just FYI. Except for that one guy.
: Iām going to take Fizzās championship, and thereās not a damn thing he can do about it!
*Curtis slams his fist into the podium.*
: Thank you sirā¦ may I t-t-take over now?
*Curtis turns to Trevor and lifts him up, then delivers a spinebuster through the table! Food goes flying all over the current president and first lady! Curtis points to Biden.*
: And thatās for beating me in the election you bastard!
*Secret service swarms in and Curtis starts backing away.*
: Okay, okay, Iām leaving. Hey, whatās up Tom, howās the wife and kids?
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Arena. Philadelphia. May 2nd. The Kanyon Locker Room.**
*Curtis rushes into what he hopes is his locker room and looks around.*
: Let's see. Donzig, check. Dino Bones, check. Dylan and Evanā¦ grrrā I mean check. Johnny 5ā¦ are you in the right locker room?
: Surprisingly yes.
: BANG! Bros check. Okay, great! I don't need to go through everyone, that's confirmation enough.
: Hey!
: It's literally four more people dick.
: It's okay, it's like "and the rest" on the Gilligan's Island theme. That was good enough for the Professor and Mary Ann.
: Rrrrrrrā¦
: Ugh, fine. Jason, Otto, Zolothach, and Alexander. Geez guys.
*Curtis looks around the room and finds a soap box. He turns it over and stands on it.*
: Listen up. You've all been drafted into my army! I had this whole inspirational speech set up with a flag and some fireworksā¦ but in the wrong roomā¦ so I guess I'll skip that part. Which sucks, it was going to be cool. I swear. Anywayā¦ I am your captain now! And the other BANG! Bros are your lieutenants! So you're all going to listen to us!
: But I don't speak Spanish.
: Lo siento.
: I'm not a fan of demons.
: I'm not a demon from Hell, I just escaped Hell.
: And Steve's not even here. But that thing is.
: ā¦
: He'sā¦ recuperating from Zoran trying to murder him at the Rumble. But he'll be here in timeā¦ I think. Until then, you will show balloon Steve some respect!
: ā¦
: And why does his picture have a mouth hole?
: Nevermind that! Look, the BANG! Bros are the best team in the entirety of XHF. In the last year and a half, whenever any combo has teamed up, we've only lost thrice. So you will not screw this up for us! For a night, the final night of Fireside, you are all officially Little BANG!ers! You will ride our coat tails.to victory!
*The group of non-BANG! Bros grumble at the name.*
: Listen, Dylan and Evan. You're the only team to defeat me and EC in Fireside. You're on that short list I talked about. You just won those belts. You really want to lose them to DT and Mistress?
: Fuuuuck no!
: Sure, youāre both arrogant dicks, but now your my arrogant dicks, and I want to make sure your raging hard toward victory!
: We're winning because we want to, not for you or your "lieutenants."
: Good enough! Zolothach, I've read your backstory, so I'm just going to say you go ahead and do you. But I know ow you hate men, and that other team, it's filled with all the types of men you hate. So sick 'em! Get that Wildfire title to boot!
*Zolothach just snarls in Curtis' direction.*
: Alexander. Your dad is the worst person I've ever met, and I mean that in the best way possible. And somehow, you look more slimey than he does. Also I mean that in the best way possible. It's time to step out of papa's shadow and make yourself famous by helping me to victory!
: No problem man, anything for fame and money. We are getting good money for this, ya?
: I'm sure Caffrey is paying the winners very well. Johnny Fiveā¦ there's no easy way to say this. We all wish Misha was here instead of you. But that's okay. This is your chance to show you donāt need him. You can prove you belong with elite warriors like us buddy! Give it the old college try!
: What the fuck? I don't want to be associated with you assholes and now you're saying I'm the weak link? Thereās literally an inflated dinosaur on our team!
: And he's a former champion. But no, use that anger! Really get riled up to beat up uh, Joe Nobody. He sounds like their weak link. Just don't get pinned.
*Johnny flips a table and walks out.*
: Wellā¦ anywayā¦ Bone Man! Since you got mentioned, use your awesome ferocious dinosaur ways to murder some people! Love your nuggets by the way. We'll try to keep Brad Kane away from you, we don't want his pitchfork or hellfire popping you.
: Thanks, appreciate it.
: Again, we're not demons!
: And Donzig, you too need to retain your strap, so we know you'll be on it. And it is the most evil thing you can do to fuck over the owner of the company on the last night and make sure all the people he doesn't want as champions be the final Champions.
: That does sound dastardly, and I want to keep my shiney.
: Jason Long. I donāt have a problem with you per se. I don't like that you team with James Fucking Raymond. Don't mention him, don't bring him around, I will sink this ship if I even smell that piece of shit! But you, youāre all right.
: Thanksā¦ I guess?
: Otto Ritterā¦ you still work here?
*Otto shrugs.*
: Eh, still better than Johnny Five.
*Johnny leans into the doorway.*
: C'MON MAN!
*Johnny leaves in a huff again.*
: Itās okay, Iām giving him tough love. Itāll make him a better weak link. Anyway guys, weāve got El Combatiente as one lieutenant. The second longest reigning champion in Fireside history behind and beside myself. He is your go to man for tag team attack.
*El Combatiente gives a thumbs up.*
: But none of us speak Spanish.
: Habla por ti mismo
: See, the dino gets it. Then we got Spike. One of the most vicious people youāll ever meet. Heās an expert on finding weak points and hitting hard. Heāll take point on where to do the most damage, so keep your ears open on where to hurt the other team.
: Aw, I didnāt think you noticed.
: Of course man. Then we have Steve. He knows how to crawl under peopleās skin like no oneās business. His mind games are on point. He is the cerebral assassin of the group, so just follow his lead on taunting and tripping up bitches.
: ā¦
: Hahaha! Good one Steve! ā¦Weāll add some voice over in post, donāt let me forget. So, you got all that Little BANG!ers? We have this in the bag!
: Homie, you didnāt tell us what youāre taking point on.
: Oh, how silly of me. Iām taking point on the most important aspect of allā¦
*The room goes dark and a red spot light appears on Curtis.*
: Being fueled by hatred! Fireside was built on hatred. Caffrey is a horrible little troll who created this place because no one else liked him. And he pretended to be all gung ho goody goody about it all the way back then. But I knew, because I knew what he did to me! I HATE CAFFREY! Iāve told everyone in Fireside who would listen since day one. I made every day in Fireside a living hell for him. And now that heās shown the world who he really is, youād think Iād be done! NO! FUCK NO! You think that when I beat him Iād be done!? FUCK NO! He thought stacking the deck against me and causing me to lose the tag titles would be enough to fell me from my goal? FUCK NO! And the fact that he was too chicken shit to join this match and be in the ring with me on the final night is really telling. Heās scared. Heād rather go for the (on paper) easy win? That just further proves my message. Fireside closing is bittersweet for me, because it means I did my job and caused Caffrey to suffer enough to give up, but at the same time, it means I canāt be a pain in his ass on the daily anymore. But this match, this giant tag team clusterfuck, this is my chance to put the final nail in the coffin. What better way to stick it to that twiggy nerd than by being his final champion? To know that on his last day as a fed owner, he had me as his champion. Oh! That would just give me pure ecstasy!
: Ew dude.
*The lights go back to normal.*
: What? Not in a sexual way. Well, until I get home to my wife. Then, if you know, you know. But if you donāt know, then you will at least know because Iām telling you now, that every single one of those jerkwads on team Fizz will feelā¦ theā¦ BANG!
*Suddenly, loud explosions are heard in the distance. Not so much āBOOM!ā but more āPOP!ā type explosions.*
: That was good timing.
: Thatā¦was a happy accident.
*Suddenly, the fire alarm starts going off and the overhead sprinklers turn on.*
: I think that was my fireworks going off in the other locker room. Maybeā¦ we shouldā¦ run away.
: Why, we didnāt do anything?
: Youāre all accomplices now.
*Everyone looks at each other, and then they all dart off in different directions. Curtis darts back in to grab Blow Up Doll Steve Awesome and then darts back out. After the camera stays in the water soaked locker room for a few silent seconds, Jonny Five walks back in.*
: Okay guys, I decided toā¦ what the? Where is everyone? Why is thereā¦ my bags! OH COME ON!
**Fade out.**
*Curtis stands in front of an American flag in what looks to be a locker room.*
: Ladies and gentlemenā¦ are there ladies? Oh. I guess so. I called you all here for a pep talk. We're in the heart of America. Where the Declaration of Independence was signed. Where the Liberty Bell used to ring out for our freedom. And now, for the final Fireside. And we're going to make history when we defeat those no good, piece of trash, yellow belly sons of bitches! Am I right gang!
: Ughā¦ dumbass, youāre in the wrong locker room.
*The camera pulls back to reveal Team Fizz, minus their leader, standing around the locker room.*
: I canāt believe youād be in here after the things you said about us on national TV the other night!
: You uhā¦ saw that huh?
: And what's this about us being yellow, you gabagool?
: What? Did I say yellow? Noā¦ noā¦
: Well then please mansplain to us what exactly you did say!
: I-I-Iā¦ oh, just realized I left myā¦ lawnmower on, gotta go!
*Curtis bolts out of the opposing team's locker room. A few beats later, Fizz enters.*
: What the hell was he doing here? And why is there a giant American flag in here?
: I'm still not sure.
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Washington D.C. April 30th.**
*What was Brad referring to? Find out here! We fade in at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Weāre at the presidents table where Curtis sits with Clinton, Bush, and Obama. Curtis is wiping his face as Clinton is putting down his fork, they appear to be done eating.*
: So yeah, I know, I didnāt win the Rumble, which was really disheartening, but I threw out two former Rumble winners, at the same time mind you. That basically means I retroactively won their Rumbles.
: Really? Thatās how that works.
: ā¦yes.
: Sure Curtis. But now I hear youāve got a world title shot? How does that happen when you lose a Rumble?
: And donāt forget losing those tag team belts.
: Well thanks Bill. First, the Rumble is a global event, it doesnāt really affect my home show goings on. Then, yeah, losing my tag titles sucked, but the deck was stacked against me and my buddy El Combatiente. Each team was high caliber opponents, but to fight two teams at once, well my odds of winning drastically went down. But when one door closes, you jump out a window. Thor does everything for a reason. I lost the tag titles at just the right time to cash in my Fireside cred for a world title match.
: Yeah, but isnāt it some giant tag match thingy? I mean, thatās kind of screwed up. And thatās coming from me!
: You know, it is. Caffrey let me cash in my world title shot, but of course, again he stacked the deck against me. I mean, I got my boys the BANG! Bros with me, but then a bunch of other guys I donāt know if I can trust. But Iām not going to let that stop me. Iāll BANG! every team member on the opposing team and on my own if I need to to win this match. In fact, you know what!
*Curtis slams his fists into the table and stands up. He starts walking toward the podium up front, where Trevor Noah is currently speaking.*
: And then weāve got Desanā oh hello Mr. Former President Curtis. Youāre not coming up to slap me are you?
: No, as long as you get out of my way.
: Itās just, Iām kind of in the middle of my roast here.
*Curtis gets nose to nose with Trever.*
: Move it.
: Y-y-yes sir.
*Curtis steps up to the podium.*
: Iām taking over this thing for a few minutes because, well, weāre here to celebrate the press, and what better way than to have me talk about my upcoming match.
*The audience groans.*
: Hey, when a president wrestles, the world takes notice! Not like youād know, so far up your asses about your own ratings to care what the people think.
: You tell āem buddy!
: Thanks George. Now, Iām leading a team to face off against Team Vodka Fizz to try to wrestle away the Fireside world title from him. The last Fireside show. Fizzy just won that belt from his lover Natalie, and sheās on his team to keep that belt. Seriously, thatās just a recipe for disaster. And Iām not here to get wrapped up in their sitcom relationship. But as long as that belt is between them, their will always be tension, so Iāll just remove it to save their spark, youāre welcome.
: World titles can cause a rift in a marriage? How do I get one?
: Then, Death Trap and Mistress Discipline. They were their to help make it harder for me to retain the Fireside tag titles. But they didnāt win āem. But they turned that anguish around and won the XHF tag titles. Congratulations. However, Fireside announced it was closing down within a month of them joining, coincidence? Iām just saying.
: It probably is, but just let him have this.
: Then there's Brad Kane, a bad ass in his own right. Dude loves pain, to give and receive. Well so do I! But Iām going to prove I love it more, I tell you what. Apathy, sheās a real shit talker, but I can talk shit with the best of them. Sam Sawyer, I got nothing against you buddy, sorry, youāre title loss will just be collateral damage.
: I know all about that, heh heh. I meanā¦ no I donāt.
: Joe Nobody, I came into Fireside by taking his spot. He could never measure up to me to take it back. Thatās all you need to know there. Shane Locke, youāre too boring to diss. Eddie Zepp, youāll never measure up to your brother Isaiah. Oh look, heās in the crowd tonight, āsup Isaiah! You know what Iām saying right!? Ha ha! Then Ianā¦Eenā¦Onā¦ Orookā¦ I have no idea how to pronounce your name, but Iāll steal your Lucky Charms dude. And Subject #42, you donāt even go here! What the hell is this? This is just Caffrey getting his buddy to do him a favor.
: Hey, we donāt talk about quid pro quo here.
: Oh definitely not.
*Obama just looks at them.*
: And best for last. MYOJIN. They know me. Theyāve fought me. Theyāve felt my wraith. But if Fizz is my main focus to wrestle that title away, MYOJIN is the second focus, because they are the face of Fireside. They are the heart. I love to kick a horse when itās down, and I will. I want to extinguish what little flame is left of Fireside. It will be scorched earth, and the only reminiscence of Caffreyās old regime will be me carrying around that title and rubbing in his face that I took it all away from him!
: Which is not how we Presidentās think while in office, just FYI. Except for that one guy.
: Iām going to take Fizzās championship, and thereās not a damn thing he can do about it!
*Curtis slams his fist into the podium.*
: Thank you sirā¦ may I t-t-take over now?
*Curtis turns to Trevor and lifts him up, then delivers a spinebuster through the table! Food goes flying all over the current president and first lady! Curtis points to Biden.*
: And thatās for beating me in the election you bastard!
*Secret service swarms in and Curtis starts backing away.*
: Okay, okay, Iām leaving. Hey, whatās up Tom, howās the wife and kids?
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Arena. Philadelphia. May 2nd. The Kanyon Locker Room.**
*Curtis rushes into what he hopes is his locker room and looks around.*
: Let's see. Donzig, check. Dino Bones, check. Dylan and Evanā¦ grrrā I mean check. Johnny 5ā¦ are you in the right locker room?
: Surprisingly yes.
: BANG! Bros check. Okay, great! I don't need to go through everyone, that's confirmation enough.
: Hey!
: It's literally four more people dick.
: It's okay, it's like "and the rest" on the Gilligan's Island theme. That was good enough for the Professor and Mary Ann.
: Rrrrrrrā¦
: Ugh, fine. Jason, Otto, Zolothach, and Alexander. Geez guys.
*Curtis looks around the room and finds a soap box. He turns it over and stands on it.*
: Listen up. You've all been drafted into my army! I had this whole inspirational speech set up with a flag and some fireworksā¦ but in the wrong roomā¦ so I guess I'll skip that part. Which sucks, it was going to be cool. I swear. Anywayā¦ I am your captain now! And the other BANG! Bros are your lieutenants! So you're all going to listen to us!
: But I don't speak Spanish.
: Lo siento.
: I'm not a fan of demons.
: I'm not a demon from Hell, I just escaped Hell.
: And Steve's not even here. But that thing is.
: ā¦
: He'sā¦ recuperating from Zoran trying to murder him at the Rumble. But he'll be here in timeā¦ I think. Until then, you will show balloon Steve some respect!
: ā¦
: And why does his picture have a mouth hole?
: Nevermind that! Look, the BANG! Bros are the best team in the entirety of XHF. In the last year and a half, whenever any combo has teamed up, we've only lost thrice. So you will not screw this up for us! For a night, the final night of Fireside, you are all officially Little BANG!ers! You will ride our coat tails.to victory!
*The group of non-BANG! Bros grumble at the name.*
: Listen, Dylan and Evan. You're the only team to defeat me and EC in Fireside. You're on that short list I talked about. You just won those belts. You really want to lose them to DT and Mistress?
: Fuuuuck no!
: Sure, youāre both arrogant dicks, but now your my arrogant dicks, and I want to make sure your raging hard toward victory!
: We're winning because we want to, not for you or your "lieutenants."
: Good enough! Zolothach, I've read your backstory, so I'm just going to say you go ahead and do you. But I know ow you hate men, and that other team, it's filled with all the types of men you hate. So sick 'em! Get that Wildfire title to boot!
*Zolothach just snarls in Curtis' direction.*
: Alexander. Your dad is the worst person I've ever met, and I mean that in the best way possible. And somehow, you look more slimey than he does. Also I mean that in the best way possible. It's time to step out of papa's shadow and make yourself famous by helping me to victory!
: No problem man, anything for fame and money. We are getting good money for this, ya?
: I'm sure Caffrey is paying the winners very well. Johnny Fiveā¦ there's no easy way to say this. We all wish Misha was here instead of you. But that's okay. This is your chance to show you donāt need him. You can prove you belong with elite warriors like us buddy! Give it the old college try!
: What the fuck? I don't want to be associated with you assholes and now you're saying I'm the weak link? Thereās literally an inflated dinosaur on our team!
: And he's a former champion. But no, use that anger! Really get riled up to beat up uh, Joe Nobody. He sounds like their weak link. Just don't get pinned.
*Johnny flips a table and walks out.*
: Wellā¦ anywayā¦ Bone Man! Since you got mentioned, use your awesome ferocious dinosaur ways to murder some people! Love your nuggets by the way. We'll try to keep Brad Kane away from you, we don't want his pitchfork or hellfire popping you.
: Thanks, appreciate it.
: Again, we're not demons!
: And Donzig, you too need to retain your strap, so we know you'll be on it. And it is the most evil thing you can do to fuck over the owner of the company on the last night and make sure all the people he doesn't want as champions be the final Champions.
: That does sound dastardly, and I want to keep my shiney.
: Jason Long. I donāt have a problem with you per se. I don't like that you team with James Fucking Raymond. Don't mention him, don't bring him around, I will sink this ship if I even smell that piece of shit! But you, youāre all right.
: Thanksā¦ I guess?
: Otto Ritterā¦ you still work here?
*Otto shrugs.*
: Eh, still better than Johnny Five.
*Johnny leans into the doorway.*
: C'MON MAN!
*Johnny leaves in a huff again.*
: Itās okay, Iām giving him tough love. Itāll make him a better weak link. Anyway guys, weāve got El Combatiente as one lieutenant. The second longest reigning champion in Fireside history behind and beside myself. He is your go to man for tag team attack.
*El Combatiente gives a thumbs up.*
: But none of us speak Spanish.
: Habla por ti mismo
: See, the dino gets it. Then we got Spike. One of the most vicious people youāll ever meet. Heās an expert on finding weak points and hitting hard. Heāll take point on where to do the most damage, so keep your ears open on where to hurt the other team.
: Aw, I didnāt think you noticed.
: Of course man. Then we have Steve. He knows how to crawl under peopleās skin like no oneās business. His mind games are on point. He is the cerebral assassin of the group, so just follow his lead on taunting and tripping up bitches.
: ā¦
: Hahaha! Good one Steve! ā¦Weāll add some voice over in post, donāt let me forget. So, you got all that Little BANG!ers? We have this in the bag!
: Homie, you didnāt tell us what youāre taking point on.
: Oh, how silly of me. Iām taking point on the most important aspect of allā¦
*The room goes dark and a red spot light appears on Curtis.*
: Being fueled by hatred! Fireside was built on hatred. Caffrey is a horrible little troll who created this place because no one else liked him. And he pretended to be all gung ho goody goody about it all the way back then. But I knew, because I knew what he did to me! I HATE CAFFREY! Iāve told everyone in Fireside who would listen since day one. I made every day in Fireside a living hell for him. And now that heās shown the world who he really is, youād think Iād be done! NO! FUCK NO! You think that when I beat him Iād be done!? FUCK NO! He thought stacking the deck against me and causing me to lose the tag titles would be enough to fell me from my goal? FUCK NO! And the fact that he was too chicken shit to join this match and be in the ring with me on the final night is really telling. Heās scared. Heād rather go for the (on paper) easy win? That just further proves my message. Fireside closing is bittersweet for me, because it means I did my job and caused Caffrey to suffer enough to give up, but at the same time, it means I canāt be a pain in his ass on the daily anymore. But this match, this giant tag team clusterfuck, this is my chance to put the final nail in the coffin. What better way to stick it to that twiggy nerd than by being his final champion? To know that on his last day as a fed owner, he had me as his champion. Oh! That would just give me pure ecstasy!
: Ew dude.
*The lights go back to normal.*
: What? Not in a sexual way. Well, until I get home to my wife. Then, if you know, you know. But if you donāt know, then you will at least know because Iām telling you now, that every single one of those jerkwads on team Fizz will feelā¦ theā¦ BANG!
*Suddenly, loud explosions are heard in the distance. Not so much āBOOM!ā but more āPOP!ā type explosions.*
: That was good timing.
: Thatā¦was a happy accident.
*Suddenly, the fire alarm starts going off and the overhead sprinklers turn on.*
: I think that was my fireworks going off in the other locker room. Maybeā¦ we shouldā¦ run away.
: Why, we didnāt do anything?
: Youāre all accomplices now.
*Everyone looks at each other, and then they all dart off in different directions. Curtis darts back in to grab Blow Up Doll Steve Awesome and then darts back out. After the camera stays in the water soaked locker room for a few silent seconds, Jonny Five walks back in.*
: Okay guys, I decided toā¦ what the? Where is everyone? Why is thereā¦ my bags! OH COME ON!
**Fade out.**