The Best of Fireside [Dinosaur Bones]
May 2, 2022 22:59:24 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Steve Awesome, and 6 more like this
Post by mosler on May 2, 2022 22:59:24 GMT -5
From the One Liberty Observation Deck to the Belmont Plateau, majestic landmarks dot the Philadelphia skyline with a beauty that almost makes you forget the city put a courthouse in their arena. The camera begins to zoom out so that more monuments are visible, eventually getting to the edge of the Benjamin Franklin Bridge before running out of screen. A series of large displays present the digital skyline as a backdrop to a television studio. Under hot lights, two figures sit across from one another in white leather chairs. The camera continues to pull out, and then pan over until settling on a medium shot of the man to the left.
Zoran Sainovic:
Good evening Fireside. As ze reigning champion of ze XHF - which makes me YOUR champion - it seemed only fitting zat I address ze unfortunate conclusion of one of our brightest federations. ...Conquest will not soon be forgotten.
Good evening Fireside. As ze reigning champion of ze XHF - which makes me YOUR champion - it seemed only fitting zat I address ze unfortunate conclusion of one of our brightest federations. ...Conquest will not soon be forgotten.
More studio lights rise. Between the two chairs is a large coffee table, on which sits dozens of photos of memorable Fireside moments. Zolothach hitting Brad Kane with the twist of fate to become the first Wild Fire champion, Majesty setting Esmur’s face on fire, Misha Constantine hitting the Irae Dei off a ladder to put Mistress Discipline through a table. All these fabulous Fireside moments are no doubt represented, but you can’t quite see them, because the glass frames are being used as stands to prop up 22 world titles. Yes, Zoran has his X*Crown on display, and who can get a glimpse of Natalie Burrows carrying the fed when her frame is struggling to prop up the PCW Primetime Championship.
Zoran Sainovic:
I know what you’re zinking what could possibly get me and my hated nemesis in ze same room without coming to blows?
I know what you’re zinking what could possibly get me and my hated nemesis in ze same room without coming to blows?
A master shot reveals that in the chair to the right sits the massive frame of The Dread Lord. Dinosaur Bones sits comfortably with an extra large bucket of Popeye’s Chicken resting in his skeletal lap. Apparently the dracolich has been lured into the television studio with a trail of fast food.
Dinosaur Bones (noticing Sainovic for the first time):
MY GENERATIONAL RIVAL!
MY GENERATIONAL RIVAL!
Zoran Sainovic (dagger eyes):
I’m substantially younger zan you! (maintaining composure to smile coldly at the camera) Ze only zing zat could keep zis fossil fuel and me from tearing each other apart was a cause zat was near and dear to both our hearts. Fireside. No one could say zat Anthony Caffrey has failed as a promoter, because he went out on his own terms... with a tag match zat no one wanted to be a part of.
I’m substantially younger zan you! (maintaining composure to smile coldly at the camera) Ze only zing zat could keep zis fossil fuel and me from tearing each other apart was a cause zat was near and dear to both our hearts. Fireside. No one could say zat Anthony Caffrey has failed as a promoter, because he went out on his own terms... with a tag match zat no one wanted to be a part of.
Dinosaur Bones (shovelling Popeye’s into his mouth):
I AM HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I AM HAPPY TO BE HERE.
Zoran Sainovic:
So we zought we’d sit back and look at some of ze key incidents zat possibly led to its current ruin. A clip show down Fireside memory lane, if you will. Because when you see Ze Final Boss and Ze Dread Lord together, zis can only be...
So we zought we’d sit back and look at some of ze key incidents zat possibly led to its current ruin. A clip show down Fireside memory lane, if you will. Because when you see Ze Final Boss and Ze Dread Lord together, zis can only be...
THE BEST OF FIRESIDE
The title card soon gives way to the master shot, where The Final Boss seems especially pleased with himself.
Zoran Sainovic:
October 7z, 2020 – Fireside lights its first Inferno. At ze Kindling, a relatively restrained output by Majesty puts zem at odds with teammates Mistress Discipline and Misha Constantine, soured relationships zat will have rippling effects for ze years to come. Zat same night, however, ze REAL STORY of Fireside begins with a blood feud zat has no equal.
October 7z, 2020 – Fireside lights its first Inferno. At ze Kindling, a relatively restrained output by Majesty puts zem at odds with teammates Mistress Discipline and Misha Constantine, soured relationships zat will have rippling effects for ze years to come. Zat same night, however, ze REAL STORY of Fireside begins with a blood feud zat has no equal.
Dinosaur Bones:
HAYDEN CALLAHAN AND REGULAR EMPLOYMENT?
HAYDEN CALLAHAN AND REGULAR EMPLOYMENT?
Zoran Sainovic:
While ze OG CJ Walker was present sat night, ze epic grudge in question is of a far more destructive variety. We take you backstage to zat fateful night.
While ze OG CJ Walker was present sat night, ze epic grudge in question is of a far more destructive variety. We take you backstage to zat fateful night.
FOOTAGE.
The Dread Lord is using his tiny hands to shove as many chicken McNuggets into his mouth in one time as possible.
The Dread Lord is using his tiny hands to shove as many chicken McNuggets into his mouth in one time as possible.
Dinosaur Bones:
One- ousan- nine- hundr- ninety- seven. One- ousand- ‘ne- hund- nine- eigh- ONE- OUSAN-
One- ousan- nine- hundr- ninety- seven. One- ousand- ‘ne- hund- nine- eigh- ONE- OUSAN-
Before he can shove the 2000th McNugget into his mouth, one of them tumbles out. Seeing this malcontent, Bones reaches down to snatch it- only to have another six tumble out in the struggle. The dracolich finally has no choice but to cut his losses and swallow. Painful. Stepping out into the rain, the T-Rex skeleton screams up to the heavens.
Dinosaur Bones:
I WILL BE AVENGED! BY THE OLD GOD’S SCALES, ONE DAY I WILL FIT TWO THOUSAND MCNUGGETS INTO MY MOUTH, OR MAY FIRESIDE GO BANKRUPT PLYING ME WITH THE DELICIOUS FAUX AVIAN PINK SLIME!
I WILL BE AVENGED! BY THE OLD GOD’S SCALES, ONE DAY I WILL FIT TWO THOUSAND MCNUGGETS INTO MY MOUTH, OR MAY FIRESIDE GO BANKRUPT PLYING ME WITH THE DELICIOUS FAUX AVIAN PINK SLIME!
STUDIO.
Dinosaur Bones stress eats a new barrel of Popeye’s...
Dinosaur Bones stress eats a new barrel of Popeye’s...
Zoran Sainovic:
So you’re to blame.
So you’re to blame.
Dinosaur Bones:
I AM ALMOST THERE.
I AM ALMOST THERE.
Zoran Sainovic:
Ze battle between Bones and his appetite, is as close as Fireside would ever get to must-see-TV, which is why ze eating disorder is part of zeir secret history. But let us turn back to moments zat are on record. In ze early days of ze Fireside Heavyweight Title, one of ze hottest tickets was between Dinosaur Bones and Ze Nihilists. Roll ze tape...
Ze battle between Bones and his appetite, is as close as Fireside would ever get to must-see-TV, which is why ze eating disorder is part of zeir secret history. But let us turn back to moments zat are on record. In ze early days of ze Fireside Heavyweight Title, one of ze hottest tickets was between Dinosaur Bones and Ze Nihilists. Roll ze tape...
FOOTAGE.
Esmur in hospital, his face completely bandaged up. Dinosaur Bones sits in a chair next to the bed, using his tiny T-Rex arms to tie a balloon to the shoulder rest. The message "GET WELL SOON" has been crossed out with barbeque sauce, and replaced with "EMBRACE THE VOID", a sentiment that the dracolich is sure his rival would appreciate.
Esmur in hospital, his face completely bandaged up. Dinosaur Bones sits in a chair next to the bed, using his tiny T-Rex arms to tie a balloon to the shoulder rest. The message "GET WELL SOON" has been crossed out with barbeque sauce, and replaced with "EMBRACE THE VOID", a sentiment that the dracolich is sure his rival would appreciate.
...After a few moments, Dinosaur Bones looks around, and then stealthily steals the heavily medicated patient's apple cup.
STUDIO.
The Dread Lord seems to recall the incident fondly.
The Dread Lord seems to recall the incident fondly.
Dinosaur Bones:
IT WAS DELICIOUS!
IT WAS DELICIOUS!
Zoran Sainovic:
How zat didn't pick up feud of ze year, could only be attributed to ballot tampering.
How zat didn't pick up feud of ze year, could only be attributed to ballot tampering.
Dinosaur Bones:
I VOTED TWICE.
I VOTED TWICE.
Zoran Sainovic:
Did you put zem in a box, or just eat them?
Did you put zem in a box, or just eat them?
Dinosaur Bones:
YES.
YES.
Zoran Sainovic:
January 5z, 2021 - a rivalry is brewing zat will shake Fireside to its very core...
January 5z, 2021 - a rivalry is brewing zat will shake Fireside to its very core...
FOOTAGE.
Backstage at an FWA meet and greet. Dinosaur Bones is rummaging through a fridge. He finds a paper bag labeled Dylan. Before the insatiable dracolich can shove the bag into his gapping maw, he is set upon by the X*Crown champion.
Backstage at an FWA meet and greet. Dinosaur Bones is rummaging through a fridge. He finds a paper bag labeled Dylan. Before the insatiable dracolich can shove the bag into his gapping maw, he is set upon by the X*Crown champion.
Dylan Black:
I have special cyborg dietary restrictions.
I have special cyborg dietary restrictions.
Bones stops, but still has the bag dangling over his drooling mouth.
Dinosaur Bones:
OH, IS THIS YOURS? I HAD NO IDEA.
OH, IS THIS YOURS? I HAD NO IDEA.
The name Dylan has been underlined twelve times. If Bones could manipulate his facial expressions, he'd pretend to squint.
Dinosaur Bones:
...WERE YOU PLANNING TO FINISH IT?
...WERE YOU PLANNING TO FINISH IT?
Black snatches back his special dietary requirement lunch, which is probably old people's medicine - knowing what Robots run on.
Dylan Black:
Yes.
Yes.
Dinosaur Bones:
SORRY FOR THE MISUNDERSTANDING, METAL FLESHLING.
SORRY FOR THE MISUNDERSTANDING, METAL FLESHLING.
Bones acts apologetic, but the unchanging look in his hollowed out ocular cavities suggests that Black has just made an enemy for life.
STUDIO.
Zoran Sainovic:
Your war with Black over ze FWA Anarchy title is ze stuff of legends, Bones, and over ze course of zat feud you were not only ze first Fireside wrestler to claim another federation's gold for ze company's honour... but as a result of it, you have pinned an X-Crown champion more times zan all ze actual Fireside X-Crown champions have put together. Given your animosity with Black, how do you expect to work together in zis asinine tag match?
Your war with Black over ze FWA Anarchy title is ze stuff of legends, Bones, and over ze course of zat feud you were not only ze first Fireside wrestler to claim another federation's gold for ze company's honour... but as a result of it, you have pinned an X-Crown champion more times zan all ze actual Fireside X-Crown champions have put together. Given your animosity with Black, how do you expect to work together in zis asinine tag match?
Dinosaur Bones:
ALL YOU FLESHLINGS LOOK ALIKE... SO DESPITE HIS SHINY COAT, I’M JUST GOING TO THINK BLACK IS ON THE OTHER TEAM AND TREAT THEM LIKE I HAVE DIETARY REQUIREMENTS OF MY OWN.
ALL YOU FLESHLINGS LOOK ALIKE... SO DESPITE HIS SHINY COAT, I’M JUST GOING TO THINK BLACK IS ON THE OTHER TEAM AND TREAT THEM LIKE I HAVE DIETARY REQUIREMENTS OF MY OWN.
Thinking about eating seventeen of the twenty-six competitors, The Dread Lord starts to drool.
Zoran Sainovic:
On ze February 11z 2021 episode of Inferno, a team debuted zat is so dominant zat zey immediately made Fireside ze place to be for tag wrestling in ze XHF. Zeir initial encounter was so menacing zat zey forced Ze Nihilists to focus on singles glory.
On ze February 11z 2021 episode of Inferno, a team debuted zat is so dominant zat zey immediately made Fireside ze place to be for tag wrestling in ze XHF. Zeir initial encounter was so menacing zat zey forced Ze Nihilists to focus on singles glory.
FOOTAGE.
The House of Lords. Lord Dominicus rides Dinosaur Bones like a horse. You can tell this is older footage, because they are both wearing perms and bellbottoms, which aren't currently in style.
The House of Lords. Lord Dominicus rides Dinosaur Bones like a horse. You can tell this is older footage, because they are both wearing perms and bellbottoms, which aren't currently in style.
Dinosaur Bones:
WITH ALL THE WALKING, I END UP BURNING MORE CALORIES TRAVELLING TO FIRESIDE EVENTS THAN I END UP CONSUMING AT THEM.
WITH ALL THE WALKING, I END UP BURNING MORE CALORIES TRAVELLING TO FIRESIDE EVENTS THAN I END UP CONSUMING AT THEM.
Lord Dominicus:
That is dominitough. Maybe have MORE food brought to you. Have you thought about Ubereats or Foodora?
That is dominitough. Maybe have MORE food brought to you. Have you thought about Ubereats or Foodora?
Dinosaur Bones:
AFTER THE FIRST DELIVERIES, THESE SERVICES ARE NOW WARY OF SENDING REPLACEMENT APES.
AFTER THE FIRST DELIVERIES, THESE SERVICES ARE NOW WARY OF SENDING REPLACEMENT APES.
Lord Dominicus:
Well to cut down on the burn, how about someone carries you for a change? We’ll just have you mount Big Bon-
Well to cut down on the burn, how about someone carries you for a change? We’ll just have you mount Big Bon-
Big Bone is nowhere to be found.
Lord Dominicus:
Dominidrat. Well, turnabout is fair play. Climb on pal.
Dominidrat. Well, turnabout is fair play. Climb on pal.
Leaping off the massive T-Rex skeleton, Lord Dominicus lands on his feet, then stoops over, offering to give his partner a piggyback ride. The skeleton is all smiles.
SMASH CUT. Dinosaur Bones is flat on his back, but continues to wave his tiny arms like he was holding a horse rein. Lord Dominicus is both upright and slumped backwards, his spine looking not unlike an accordion. LD still valiantly hangs onto the tip of Bones’ tail – which might actually be propping him up. Bones must have been dragged at least three feet. The effort has taken years off LD’s life.
Dinosaur Bones:
THIS REMINDS ME OF MY FIRST MEGAANNUM IN THE TAR PIT.
THIS REMINDS ME OF MY FIRST MEGAANNUM IN THE TAR PIT.
Lord Dominicus:
On dominisecond thought, we should get some wheels. A Dominicruiser.
On dominisecond thought, we should get some wheels. A Dominicruiser.
Dinosaur Bones:
ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE ABANDON THE FIRESIDE TAG SCENE TO THE LESSER BANG BROS, AND JUMP SHIP TO CAR?
ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE ABANDON THE FIRESIDE TAG SCENE TO THE LESSER BANG BROS, AND JUMP SHIP TO CAR?
Lord Dominicus:
...I wasn’t, but now I can think of nothing else!
...I wasn’t, but now I can think of nothing else!
Dinosaur Bones:
AS THE ACE OF FIRESIDE, I HAVE ENJOYED TOO MANY BUFFETS, AND FOR THE ENDLESS COCKTAIL WIENIES - I’M TOO LOYAL TO THE FLESHLING CAFFREY TO ABANDON THIS FLAME.
AS THE ACE OF FIRESIDE, I HAVE ENJOYED TOO MANY BUFFETS, AND FOR THE ENDLESS COCKTAIL WIENIES - I’M TOO LOYAL TO THE FLESHLING CAFFREY TO ABANDON THIS FLAME.
Lord Dominicus:
I understand.
I understand.
LD looks sad.
Dinosaur Bones:
SO I’LL HAVE TO WEAR A CUNNING DISGUISE.
SO I’LL HAVE TO WEAR A CUNNING DISGUISE.
Everyone:
YAY!
YAY!
The House of Lords no sell the piggyback death, jumping up to strike a heroic pose for the camera.
STUDIO.
Zoran Sainovic:
And so, with ze Lords turning zeir attention to ze fast lane, Ze Bang Bros were able to coast zrough ze tag division for ze next year. ...Whoever zey are.
And so, with ze Lords turning zeir attention to ze fast lane, Ze Bang Bros were able to coast zrough ze tag division for ze next year. ...Whoever zey are.
Dinosaur Bones:
I BELIEVE THEY HAVE A BUS.
I BELIEVE THEY HAVE A BUS.
Zoran Sainovic:
At zat point, while always officially part of ze roster, Bones war for Fireside supremacy is done more at ze doorsteps of others. Zough not an on camera presence, Bones would still be at EVERY SINGLE INFERNO and pay per view, off camera, to pillage ze craft service table, and continuing his storied feud with 2000 McNuggets.
At zat point, while always officially part of ze roster, Bones war for Fireside supremacy is done more at ze doorsteps of others. Zough not an on camera presence, Bones would still be at EVERY SINGLE INFERNO and pay per view, off camera, to pillage ze craft service table, and continuing his storied feud with 2000 McNuggets.
Dinosaur Bones:
REAL HEROES WORK IN THE SHADOWS.
REAL HEROES WORK IN THE SHADOWS.
Zoran Sainovic:
Very true my skeletal fiend, but from ze safety of free donuts and coffee, you continued to steer Fireside’s course.
Very true my skeletal fiend, but from ze safety of free donuts and coffee, you continued to steer Fireside’s course.
Dinosaur Bones:
I AM A VERY GOOD DRIVER.
I AM A VERY GOOD DRIVER.
Zoran Sainovic:
May 27z, 2021 at Inferno 9 - Misha Constantine succeeded in bringing ze X*Crown to Fireside. Zat same night, a fateful encounter would decide Misha’s first significant challenger.
May 27z, 2021 at Inferno 9 - Misha Constantine succeeded in bringing ze X*Crown to Fireside. Zat same night, a fateful encounter would decide Misha’s first significant challenger.
FOOTAGE.
Giant bucket of KFC clasped with both hands, Dinosaur Bones approaches Nelly Angel who is eating a small salad.
Giant bucket of KFC clasped with both hands, Dinosaur Bones approaches Nelly Angel who is eating a small salad.
Dinosaur Bones:
MYOJIN – YOU ARE A DELICIOUS MAMMAL, WHY DO YOU EAT LIKE A SCRAWNY BIRD?
MYOJIN – YOU ARE A DELICIOUS MAMMAL, WHY DO YOU EAT LIKE A SCRAWNY BIRD?
Nelly Angel:
Have to stay in shape if I want to reclaim the junior heavyweight title.
Have to stay in shape if I want to reclaim the junior heavyweight title.
Dinosaur Bones:
YOU’VE ALREADY HELD THE PUNY FLESHING TITLE, MOVE TO THE NEW FEEDING GROUNDS OF THE DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER X-CROWN, MYOJIN. WITHOUT WEIGHT LIMITS YOU CAN EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT!
YOU’VE ALREADY HELD THE PUNY FLESHING TITLE, MOVE TO THE NEW FEEDING GROUNDS OF THE DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER X-CROWN, MYOJIN. WITHOUT WEIGHT LIMITS YOU CAN EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT!
The Dread Lord seems pleased with his sage like advice. Nelly continues to eat the salad, a little concerned about why Bones is trying to be helpful, and intent on fattening him up.
STUDIO.
Zoran Sainovic:
Inspired by Bones heartfelt advice, Myojin gave up on being able to wear children’s clothes – and would go on to become ze most successful X-Crown champion of ze MANY Fireside competitors to claim ze honour in increasingly sketchy succession.
Inspired by Bones heartfelt advice, Myojin gave up on being able to wear children’s clothes – and would go on to become ze most successful X-Crown champion of ze MANY Fireside competitors to claim ze honour in increasingly sketchy succession.
Dinosaur Bones:
WAIT; DON'T DISPARAGE THEIR REIGNS... SPIKE AND VALENTINE ARE ON MY TEAM-
WAIT; DON'T DISPARAGE THEIR REIGNS... SPIKE AND VALENTINE ARE ON MY TEAM-
Zoran Sainovic:
Do you know what zey look like?
Do you know what zey look like?
Dinosaur Bones:
CRUNCHY?
CRUNCHY?
Zoran Sainovic:
Exactly. We should all be so lucky.
Exactly. We should all be so lucky.
Dinosaur Bones:
SOFT BOILED?
SOFT BOILED?
Zoran Sainovic:
Ze fact remains zat you were still looking after Fireside’s best interests. Who could forget zat time zat Blobby became enamoured with ze liberty bell, believing it to be of his species?
Ze fact remains zat you were still looking after Fireside’s best interests. Who could forget zat time zat Blobby became enamoured with ze liberty bell, believing it to be of his species?
FOOTAGE.
Blobby has hearts in his eyes, not unlike a cartoon, drooling over the liberty bell... which does have Blobby like dimensions.
Blobby has hearts in his eyes, not unlike a cartoon, drooling over the liberty bell... which does have Blobby like dimensions.
Zoran Sainovic (V.O.):
Fortunately one zing stood between Philadelphia’s dignity and Blobby getting his bell on.
Fortunately one zing stood between Philadelphia’s dignity and Blobby getting his bell on.
SMASH CUT. Dinosaur Bones stands between Blobby and the Liberty Bell.
Zoran Sainovic (V.O.):
I’d hate to zink what might have befallen ze Bell if you hadn’t been-
I’d hate to zink what might have befallen ze Bell if you hadn’t been-
The footage continues, with Dinosaur Bones eating a cheese steak on a patio, while in the background Blobby tries to jump over the Liberty Bell but keeps failing.
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
DING!
Blobby:
BLOBBY!!!
BLOBBY!!!
STUDIO.
The Final Boss shakes his head in disgust at an oblivious Bones.
The Final Boss shakes his head in disgust at an oblivious Bones.
Zoran Sainovic:
...I zought Philly was your home feeding grounds? How could you let Blobby sully zem?
...I zought Philly was your home feeding grounds? How could you let Blobby sully zem?
Dinosaur Bones:
PHILLY CHEESESTEAKS ARE THE BEST!
PHILLY CHEESESTEAKS ARE THE BEST!
The Final Boss shudders, before returning his attention to the monitor.
Zoran Sainovic:
Why, looking at zis Secret History of Fireside – it’s safe to say ze company would have gone under over a year sooner without your constant efforts, Bones.
Why, looking at zis Secret History of Fireside – it’s safe to say ze company would have gone under over a year sooner without your constant efforts, Bones.
Dinosaur Bones:
I WILL USHER IN A NEW ICE AGE TO DOOM THIS FLAME JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE FILTHY, MAMMAL INFESTED WORLD!
I WILL USHER IN A NEW ICE AGE TO DOOM THIS FLAME JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE FILTHY, MAMMAL INFESTED WORLD!
Zoran Sainovic:
But no matter how much Fireside asks of you, you just giving. Why I recently found out zat even after Misha lost ze X-Crown you attempted to reclaim it for Fireside’s glory.
But no matter how much Fireside asks of you, you just giving. Why I recently found out zat even after Misha lost ze X-Crown you attempted to reclaim it for Fireside’s glory.
Dinosaur Bones:
WHAT CROWN? THE UNDISPUTED DESTROYER OF WORLDS HAS NO NEED FOR SUCH BAUBLES.
WHAT CROWN? THE UNDISPUTED DESTROYER OF WORLDS HAS NO NEED FOR SUCH BAUBLES.
Zoran Sainovic:
Zanks GUNS for allowing us to air zis extract. We now show you to ze LOST GUNS Good Friday Special...
Zanks GUNS for allowing us to air zis extract. We now show you to ze LOST GUNS Good Friday Special...
FOOTAGE.
GUNS Arena. The bell rings, signalling the start of El Rey’s highly anticipated King of Kings Death Match against a dinosaur skeleton. Creationist protestors, who aren’t overly keen on dinosaurs to begin with, are even more incensed at having the match occur on this religious celebration. Their picket line has essentially added an empty arena stipulation to the train wreck, which might be why no one saw this defence. The fact that the Dread Lord spent El Rey’s entire run inside a bear, may also provide a kayfabe insight into why it was never aired. Still, without flash photography or hot dog venders in the audience to distract him, the nine-foot dracolich has his ocular cavities set on a terrified El Rey. As expected, most of the action is the Dread Lord chasing the champion around in circles.
GUNS Arena. The bell rings, signalling the start of El Rey’s highly anticipated King of Kings Death Match against a dinosaur skeleton. Creationist protestors, who aren’t overly keen on dinosaurs to begin with, are even more incensed at having the match occur on this religious celebration. Their picket line has essentially added an empty arena stipulation to the train wreck, which might be why no one saw this defence. The fact that the Dread Lord spent El Rey’s entire run inside a bear, may also provide a kayfabe insight into why it was never aired. Still, without flash photography or hot dog venders in the audience to distract him, the nine-foot dracolich has his ocular cavities set on a terrified El Rey. As expected, most of the action is the Dread Lord chasing the champion around in circles.
El Rey:
HANG ON! I don’t know about you, but I hate doing all this running on an empty stomach.
HANG ON! I don’t know about you, but I hate doing all this running on an empty stomach.
Dinosaur Bones:
I AM TRYING TO RECTIFY THAT! STAY STILL MORSEL!
I AM TRYING TO RECTIFY THAT! STAY STILL MORSEL!
El Rey:
But then you won’t be able to see me!
But then you won’t be able to see me!
Dinosaur Bones:
I AM NOT TRYING TO FEAST ON WHERE YOU ARE, BUT ON WHERE YOU ARE GOING TO BE!
I AM NOT TRYING TO FEAST ON WHERE YOU ARE, BUT ON WHERE YOU ARE GOING TO BE!
El Rey:
I’m just saying there’s a Burger King next door – we can get our grub on. Then come back and finish the match.
I’m just saying there’s a Burger King next door – we can get our grub on. Then come back and finish the match.
The lumbering abomination slows down.
El Rey:
They have chicken nuggets.
They have chicken nuggets.
SMASH CUT. The Burger King next door to GUNS Arena.
El Rey forces himself to eat a second whopper. These things are disgusting. The T-Rex Skeleton crosses his arms in frustration. This looks ridiculous because they are quite short.
Dinosaur Bones:
I WAS PROMISED MCNUGGETS. THESE ARE SUBSTANDARD PSEUDO POULTRY CLUMPS.
I WAS PROMISED MCNUGGETS. THESE ARE SUBSTANDARD PSEUDO POULTRY CLUMPS.
El Rey:
Yeah, they aren’t as good, but I didn’t hear you complaining on your thirtieth Bacon King.
Yeah, they aren’t as good, but I didn’t hear you complaining on your thirtieth Bacon King.
Dinosaur Bones:
THE CRISPY HOG MONARCHY HAS REMINDED ME OF OUR CONTEST. NOW DO YOU WISH TO CLIMB INTO MY STOMACH HERE, OR MUST WE RETURN TO THE ARENA?
THE CRISPY HOG MONARCHY HAS REMINDED ME OF OUR CONTEST. NOW DO YOU WISH TO CLIMB INTO MY STOMACH HERE, OR MUST WE RETURN TO THE ARENA?
El Rey:
Whoa – where’s the fire, pal? Doesn’t the condemned deserve a last meal? I sure could go for a… third... (looks like he’s going to throw-up) whopper. Can I get you another thirty Bacon Kings, and a few hundred of those nuggets you despise so much?
Whoa – where’s the fire, pal? Doesn’t the condemned deserve a last meal? I sure could go for a… third... (looks like he’s going to throw-up) whopper. Can I get you another thirty Bacon Kings, and a few hundred of those nuggets you despise so much?
Dinosaur Bones:
THAT MIGHT PROVIDE ME THE CALORIES REQUIRED TO RETURN TO THE ARENA.
THAT MIGHT PROVIDE ME THE CALORIES REQUIRED TO RETURN TO THE ARENA.
SMASH CUT. Bones gorging himself on Burger King like it was a better fast food joint. Well that has bought another minute. El Rey is going to have to defend his crown another twenty times just to keep up with the money he’s blowing on keeping Bones fed. Looking for a new way to distract his killer, El Rey pulls up his phone.
El Rey:
We have so much in common, the only foodies in the XHF. Now that we have bonded, I really hope we’re able to pursue this friendship based on a mutual appreciation of fine cuisine and that it isn’t cut short by one of us being eaten.
We have so much in common, the only foodies in the XHF. Now that we have bonded, I really hope we’re able to pursue this friendship based on a mutual appreciation of fine cuisine and that it isn’t cut short by one of us being eaten.
Dinosaur Bones (inhaling bacon kings):
CRYING SHAME, THAT.
CRYING SHAME, THAT.
Yeah, this is just the appetizer before that evil bastard devours the champ. El Rey breaks into a cold sweat, but he’s not licked yet.
El Rey:
I don’t know about you Bones, but I sure do like reviewing all the distinguished eateries I go to- I mean who has time for substandard burgers.
I don’t know about you Bones, but I sure do like reviewing all the distinguished eateries I go to- I mean who has time for substandard burgers.
Dinosaur Bones:
I HAVE BEEN ON THIS ROCK FOR 66 MILLION YEARS, AND 44 DAYS.
I HAVE BEEN ON THIS ROCK FOR 66 MILLION YEARS, AND 44 DAYS.
El Rey:
So this is YELP, where you can review things, like the quality of a dining experience.
So this is YELP, where you can review things, like the quality of a dining experience.
YELP
Burger King
26 Peyton Rd SW, Atlanta, GA
One Star.
“You know when people are quoting Digital Underground and claim to get busy in a Burger King bathroom? They are ALL talking about this location. I’ve never seen more used condoms stuck to a ceiling. Tell them about the dry mcnuggets, I will, damn it, look what you made me write.”
Returning from his review, El Rey finds that Dinosaur Bones has finished with his second order.
Dinosaur Bones:
SHALL WE RETURN TO THE ARENA WHERE I CAN FEAST ON YOUR INNARDS IN HONOUR OF FIRESIDE?
SHALL WE RETURN TO THE ARENA WHERE I CAN FEAST ON YOUR INNARDS IN HONOUR OF FIRESIDE?
El Rey:
You know there’s a Taco Bell next door.
You know there’s a Taco Bell next door.
Dinosaur Bones:
THEN WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
THEN WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
With a sigh of relief, El Rey starts to get up.
Dinosaur Bones:
BUT FIRST, FINISH YOUR WHOPPER.
BUT FIRST, FINISH YOUR WHOPPER.
Near tears, El Rey returns to his whopper. He knew there would be sacrifices.
STUDIO.
Viewing El Rey being force fed, Zoran Sainovic can barely suppress his delight.
Viewing El Rey being force fed, Zoran Sainovic can barely suppress his delight.
Zoran Sainovic:
Ze binge lasted 27 hours before GUNS officials declared it a time limit draw. El Rey needed to have his stomach pumped, his many winners’ purses barely covered ze expenses and he now has ze kidneys of a seventy-year-old man. Even in defeat, Bones came closer zan anyone else to recapturing ze crown for Fireside. And in trying to learn how to use Yelp, Bones has already given Fireside 28 one star reviews.
Ze binge lasted 27 hours before GUNS officials declared it a time limit draw. El Rey needed to have his stomach pumped, his many winners’ purses barely covered ze expenses and he now has ze kidneys of a seventy-year-old man. Even in defeat, Bones came closer zan anyone else to recapturing ze crown for Fireside. And in trying to learn how to use Yelp, Bones has already given Fireside 28 one star reviews.
YELP
Fireside
Veterans Stadium, Philadelphia, PA
One Star
“ANTHONY CAFFREY IS A MOUTH WATERING PROPRIETOR THAT SMELLS OF WAFFLES WITH A HINT OF ELDERBERRY. HE WOULD GO WELL WITH NUTELLA.”
Dinosaur Bones:
IS ONE STAR NOT THE BEST?
IS ONE STAR NOT THE BEST?
Zoran Sainovic:
By Fireside standards, you’d better believe it.
By Fireside standards, you’d better believe it.
Dinosaur Bones:
THEN LET ALL THE OTHER APES KNOW THAT FIRESIDE IS THE MOST ONE STAR FEDERATION IN ALL THE XHF!
THEN LET ALL THE OTHER APES KNOW THAT FIRESIDE IS THE MOST ONE STAR FEDERATION IN ALL THE XHF!
Zoran Sainovic:
From your history, we certainly know who zat star is. Having viewed so many of your greatest hits with ze company, it’s fair to say zat you are MISTER Fireside. For your long engagement with zem, zis upcoming tag match represents a final chapter between you and zeir craft service table. Bones, do you have any secret weapon to pick up ze slack for ze robot from short circuit and give you ze edge on ze competition?
From your history, we certainly know who zat star is. Having viewed so many of your greatest hits with ze company, it’s fair to say zat you are MISTER Fireside. For your long engagement with zem, zis upcoming tag match represents a final chapter between you and zeir craft service table. Bones, do you have any secret weapon to pick up ze slack for ze robot from short circuit and give you ze edge on ze competition?
Dinosaur Bones:
BACK IN SWAT, THEY WERE ALWAYS TELLING ME TO EAT A BAG OF DICKS-
BACK IN SWAT, THEY WERE ALWAYS TELLING ME TO EAT A BAG OF DICKS-
Zoran Sainovic:
Zat must have occurred after my administration, and was probably meant as a violently abstract, homophobic putdown.
Zat must have occurred after my administration, and was probably meant as a violently abstract, homophobic putdown.
Dinosaur Bones:
...IT SOUNDED LIKE A ZESTY, SUPER PROTEIN SNACK.
...IT SOUNDED LIKE A ZESTY, SUPER PROTEIN SNACK.
Zoran Sainovic:
I apologize if you were subjected to-
I apologize if you were subjected to-
Dinosaur Bones:
I HAVE ACQUIRED SAID FEAST TO GIVE ME THE EXTRA ENERGY I NEED TO WIN KANYON THE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE!
I HAVE ACQUIRED SAID FEAST TO GIVE ME THE EXTRA ENERGY I NEED TO WIN KANYON THE HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE!
Dinosaur Bones holds up a burlap sack - presumably full of dicks.
...sadly the sack has a hole in it, and Weiner McWeinie can be seen sneaking off stage.
Dinosaur Bones (looking through the hole):
GET BACK HERE LUNCH!
GET BACK HERE LUNCH!
Weiner McWeinie starts to run for his life.
Massive tail throwing over his chair, Dinosaur Bones starts to lumber after McWeinie.
Zoran Sainovic:
Stop Bones! Don't put zat in your mouth, you don't know where it's been!
Stop Bones! Don't put zat in your mouth, you don't know where it's been!
The giant undead dinosaur starts smashing up the studio, chasing after Weiner. Production assistants race in to secure the many championships of the X*Crown, leaving only pictures of Fireside’s greatest moments to be trampled on by the mass of penises.
Zoran Sainovic:
Zis has all apparently been a Sippy Cup preview.
Zis has all apparently been a Sippy Cup preview.
The Bad to the Bone mechanic continues to follow closely behind the Don’t Touch My Junk Racin’ Big Junk Handler.
Zoran Sainovic:
Using Fireside’s swansong to promote CAR – what a DICK move.
Using Fireside’s swansong to promote CAR – what a DICK move.
Weiner McWeinie runs into a close-up, knocking over the camera. The image tilts sideways, but can make out Bones eating television monitors he’s mistaken for being the actual Philadelphia skyline.
Ignoring the chaos around him, which includes the chairs catching fire from sparks off the exploding monitors; The Final Boss drags the camera into an extreme close-up.
Zoran Sainovic:
Anthony. I’m going to miss you. Without you around to be jealous, plotting, seething, petty - well, holding ze X*Crown just won’t be ze same. I am, however, touched by zis final tribute. Ze tag contest is ultimately to see which of Vodka Fizz or President Kanyon will hold heavyweight title last in Fireside. Ze final destination of zat belt is around my waist. So zis isn’t about you. Or Fireside. Which is as much an afterthought as ze eight competitors on each side with nothing to gain. It’s about me. Twenty-six people fighting for MY attention. I look forward to adding Fireside to MY collection, and already have a nice spot in my fireplace picked out for it.
...Know zat zere will always be a special place amongst ze ashes in my den for your legacy.
Anthony. I’m going to miss you. Without you around to be jealous, plotting, seething, petty - well, holding ze X*Crown just won’t be ze same. I am, however, touched by zis final tribute. Ze tag contest is ultimately to see which of Vodka Fizz or President Kanyon will hold heavyweight title last in Fireside. Ze final destination of zat belt is around my waist. So zis isn’t about you. Or Fireside. Which is as much an afterthought as ze eight competitors on each side with nothing to gain. It’s about me. Twenty-six people fighting for MY attention. I look forward to adding Fireside to MY collection, and already have a nice spot in my fireplace picked out for it.
...Know zat zere will always be a special place amongst ze ashes in my den for your legacy.
Turning the camera around, Zoran focuses his final shot on Dinosaur Bones – posing in front of the flaming, sparking, digital wall that looks like Philadelphia.