Hardkore World vs. The XHF Network
May 8, 2022 23:25:25 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer and BlazeFNfreya like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on May 8, 2022 23:25:25 GMT -5
A Black Lincoln Navigator pulls into the parking lot and the camera crew scurries over as Alexander Von Blankenship is exiting the vehicle. A Luis Vuttion branded jump suit is draped across his frame, as always there is an air if confidence beaming from the blessed one.
That Cheshire cat smile grows across his face as he sees the camera crew coming in his direction.
He pumps his hands in a calm down motion.
Easy, easy, easy boys. There will be plenty of time for you to capture me in all of my blessed glory. I am debuting tonight in Hardkore World, or should I say the Blessed Era starts tonight in Hardkore World. It's a three pronged approach guys, and it's simple, so try to follow along, will ya?
His Grace holds up one finger.
Step one, beat the bejesus out of Andy Karnage tonight. A solid Baptism will be going down to open this show, so I suggest you keep this same energy you had running up on my car into capturing that from each and every angle. I can guarantee that this will be must see AVB TV!
The blessed one holds up two finger.
Step two, find me a little kid in the crowd, wearing a Andrew Karnage T-Shirt. Befriend him and his mom. Bang his mom later that night, steal all of the kids fruit snacks, juice boxes, and lunchables. Then leave a naked picture of his mom, with my autograph on it, on a magnet stuck to the fridge.
AVB them puts up a third finger.
Step three. Give you camera guys time to earn some TMZ money, by going out and hitting Palm Springs, living my best blessed life. Looking clean, drinking mean, and banging queens. The Prince of Hardkore is about to be crowned tonight, I am here, and just like at the Rumble, the talent in this building, this company, and this town, has just been elevated.
AVB then pushes past the camera crew.
Now if you'll excuse me, there is a senior citizen named Karnage that is about to be abused worse than 13 year olds oenis when the Victoria Secrets catalog shows up.
It’s pure jubilation as the rabid Palm Springs fans celebrate, jumping up and down, celebrating their beloved Hardkore World being back on the air. Signs like “AK-47”, “RIP: Allen Anderson”, “Son Of A Bastard”, “110%”, “Kilroy Ate My Sign”, suddenly Elton John’s “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” plays and the crowd cheers. The camera fades to Hardkore Jonnie Valentine in the center of the ring, leading everyone in a sing along of “Someone Saved My Life Tonight”
You almost had your hooks in me
Didn't you dear
You nearly had me roped and tied
Altar bound
Hypnotized
Sweet freedom
Whispered in my ear
You're a butterfly
And butterflies are free to fly
Fly away
High away
Bye bye
Someone saved someone saved
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Someone saved my life tonight
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine stands in the ring with the mic in his hand, taking it all in
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: "Oh, how I missed this place."
The fans roar and Jonnie Valentine puts the mic down to his side. A loud “HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!” chant breaks out. Jonnie nods along, waiting for it to subside
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: "After 13 years, we are back. A lot has changed but what hasn’t changed is we are always going to have the best matches in the industry."
A loud pop from the fans, old and young, as they applaud the company’s rich tradition. Another “HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!” chant starts up
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: "We got a bunch of our stars back to pick up where they left off, but we lost a couple too…"
The audience starts applauding and scattered “TANNER!!” and “PACKER!!” chants start. Jonnie stops to give them their time, and then a “REST IN PEACE!!” chant begins
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: "But it isn’t 2009 anymore and we are not going to pretend it is. We have the future of Hardkore World, and by God, wrestling itself in that locker room taping their wrists right now, and this is the first night for them to prove it. Hardkore World are you ready for that??"
Hardkore Hall cheers
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: "I can't here you Palm Springs, I said, Hardkore World are you ready for that??"
The Palm Springs Convention Center roars. Air horns go off
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: "I thought so. Then let’s pick up where we left off as well, Hardkore World is back!"
Monster pop from the intimate crowd at Hardkore Hall. “Top That” from the Teen Witch Soundtrack plays and Jonnie Valentine leaves the ring, slapping all the ringside fans’ hands on the way to the back. The camera cuts to the play by play announcer Guillermo O’Bannon and his former news anchor color commentator, the perfectly coiffed Phil Blauer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans, and welcome back! After 13 years, Hardkore World is back! I am Guillermo O’Bannon, and next to me as always is Phil…Phil…what are you doing?
Phil Blauer: (heavy breathing)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, are you OK?
Phil holds a finger up, asking for a second
Phil Blauer: Uno momento, por favor. It’s been a while, I’m not in on-air shape.
Guilllermo O’Bannon: Phil, you haven’t said anything yet.
Phil Blauer: (out of breath) These old pipes, they need bourbon.
Hardkore World intern Eric Valentine Jr. crawls over and places Phil’s Del Taco cup of bourbon on the table
Phil Blauer: (takes a zoot) Thank you, Eric. You’re a good lad. (to Guillermo) And it’s Philip Blauer, by the way, I’m not one of your barfly dart club divorced Dads.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway fans, we are glad to be back. As you know, I have been working the past 13 years in the more respectable world of infomercials. I have used my hard hitting journalistic curiosity to answer questions older than time itself. Like “Could you make an entire Thanksgiving dinner in an air fryer?” or “What’s the best adjustable bed for the sexually active senior?”
Philip Blauer: The Silver Swinger T500 S Series. I myself, have fallen in love. Yes, ladies, The Blau Dog is off the market. 13 years ago, I met Dorothy. We had a whirlwind romance and got married immediately.
Guillermo O’Bannon: My God, Phil. Is Dorothy still alive??
Philip Blauer: Of course she is, she’s a spry young buxom…
Guillermo O’Bannon: She had to have been 70 years old at your wedding.
Philip Blauer: She was 81, and she’s young at heart, Gillman.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on, it’s been 13 years, you have to know my name by now.
Philip Blauer: Dorothy says when she forgets my name it just means she’s flustered by how handsome I am.
A thick cloud like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. He holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Philip Blauer: Garrison, I’m afraid in my years of playboying and remembering doctor’s appointments I haven’t kept tabs on this sport as I would have liked. I don’t know this young chap, could you enlighten me?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Seriously? They’re paying you to know who these people are. Unreal.
Philip Blauer: Gadzooks, relax. Who can keep up with this stuff? I honestly haven’t been able to get invested since Heidenreich failed to catch on. Unfortunate business that was. You know to us German Americans, he was like our Bruno Sammartino.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship is the son of Rat Bastard.
Philip Blauer: Ah, that gent I know. This lad comes from good stock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rat Bastard was the first ever X Crown Champion, former XHF Champion, and one of the most disruptive locker room guys the business has ever seen.
Phillip Blauer: A true triple threat.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
AVD looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better then you" as he goes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship started his promising career in Philadelphia for the departing Fireside territory and now comes over to the West Coast to try and make an impact with the similarly jaded and demanding fans here.
Philip Blauer: He definitely doesn’t care much for them. Oh look, that poor fellow just got his beer smacked out of his hand. (chuckles) Could you imagine?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Blankenship has never faced someone as experienced as Andrew Karnage.
Philip Blauer: One wonders if he went to his father for a game plan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage and Rat Bastard never wrestled, but were very aware of one another, and Rat Bastard had to have had some input with his son’s plan of attack tonight.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, he gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But AVB doesn’t have his father here to back him up tonight, he’s going to have to defeat Andrew Karnage all by himself.
Philip Blauer: Ah yes. And who is AVB?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship, the guy we’ve been talking about this entire time.
Phillip Blauer: Mmm yes. The rat boy. Comes from good stock I hear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship claims he is a shooting star, who has never been pinned, and lasted over an hour in the latest XHF Rumble.
Philip Blauer: Alright, I’ll bite. What’s a rumble?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jesus, Phil.
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
The lights go out and the crowd murmurs. Then a spotlight hits Hardkore World’s newest ring announcer, Jonnie Valentine’s indispensable assistant; the irreplaceable, the full throated, the elegant yet charismatic dulcet tones of Greg Jin! The Palm Springs audience chants “GREG!! GREG!! GREG!!” He tries to no-sell the reaction, but gets emotional and nods to the rabid crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Greg! He’s the best.
Philip Blauer: He really is.
Greg Jin: "The following contest is part of the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship! It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson."
Richie Richardson does a slight nod, and the Palm Springs fans groan. A small chant of “He’s A Valentine! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap*” starts up, but everyone in the ring gets tense and no sells it
Guillermo O'Bannon: Very normal reaction to one of our newest referees.
Philip Blauer: Barely noticed it.
Greg Jin: "Featuring first, standing in the ring, he hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; by way of the fast pass of professional wrestling’s Who Ya Know, Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is The Bastard Kid, Always Very Blessed, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
Hardkore Hall boos. The funky bass line of "Death By Suplex" by Powered Wig Machine starts, turning the jeers into cheers.
The lights in the Palm Springs Convention Center flicker in time to the pulsing beat, golds and blues. When the lyrics start up, Andrew Karnage walks out with a half-smile on his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: And here he is, former Hardkore World Champion Andrew Karnage! He has been chomping at the bit to get his hands on the arrogant AVB.
Philip Blauer: One has to be careful in instances such as this. This could all be a disconnect between generations, has Andrew Karnage even followed AVB’s Insta and see where he’s coming from?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t believe so…
Philip Blauer: Huge mistake. Huge.
Andrew Karnage idly slaps hands with familiar Palm Springs fans from years’ past as he walks to the ring. A middle aged fan is overcome with emotion as he puts his arm around Karnage. Karnage acknowledges the gravity of the moment with the fan, and presses his forehead against the fan’s forehead
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage having a huge connection to Palm Springs. This is the city where he and the late great Adrian Tanner Jr. won the 2006 Frank Marano Jr. Cup.
Cut to the “AT” on Andrew Karnage’s wrist tape as he slides under the bottom rope and throws up a sign language K to the roar of the crowd
Philip Blauer: That’s gotta be some sort of Salt Lake City gang signals.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage has some special memories in this building. This is where he and Kilroy Evans beat Death Gojira and Tuxedo Mask in 2006 for the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships!
Greg Jin: “His opponent currently resides in Hurricane, Utah; He stands 6 feet 5 inches tall; and Weighs 263 pounds; He is a former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion; He is the Bad Bomber; He is the Head Dropping Uncle; Utah’s Most Dangerous Man; This is Da Mang; The Master of the Nightmare Lariot! The AK-47…ANDREW KARNAGE!!!!”
Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament Match
Andrew Karnage vs. Alexander Von Blankenship
Hardkore Hall roars!! Andrew Karnage continues holding up the “K” while Andrew Van Blankenship loosens up in the corner. The audience chants “KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!!” Greg leaves the ring as Richie Richardson signals for the bell. Andrew Karnage and AVB meet at center ring, talking trash to one another
Guillermo O’Banon: Karnage and AVB lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. They jockey for position until Karnage backs Von Blankenship into the corner.
Referee Richie Richardson calls for a break. AVB pushes Karnage off and whacks him with a chop to his chest. Another one gets a pop out of the crowd
Philip Blauer: That smarts. Another stiff chop from Von Blankenship.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage answering with some snug forearm blows.
Philip Blauer: AVB trying to cover up, but they’re coming from every angle!
Andrew Karnage hits Alexander Von Blankenship with some knee lifts! The crowd buzzes as AVB tries to cover his body, so Karnage connects with a knee to the face!
Philip Blauer: AVB now dazed.
Von Blankenship ducks his head under the bottom rope and Hardkore Hall rumbles with boos. Richie Richardson gets between AVB and Andrew Karnage and tells Karnage he has to back off from AVB in the corner, which he reluctantly does
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship now signaling that he wants to try a test of strength.
Philip Blauer: Odd impulse, seeing as Karnage outweighs him by 40 pounds, but I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage goes in for the test of strength but AVB pokes Karnage in the eyes!
Philip Blauer: See?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He scoops him up and drops Karnage’s arm across his knee with a shoulderbreaker.
The audience boos as Alexander Von Blankenship stomps Karnage’s shoulder. He lands another stomp to his shoulder, and then AVB kicks his elbow. AVB gets on top of Andrew Karnage and starts hammering him with punches
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Van Blankenship bludgeoning Karnage over that eyebrow with those stiff right hands. He pulls him up into a suplex, but Andrew Karnage blocks it with his leg!
The Palm Springs fans cheer! AVB attempts the suplex a second time, but Kanage continues to block it with his solid frame. Von Blankenship gulps a little before Andrew Karnage lifts him up into an effortless hanging vertical suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look at the power!
Philip Blauer: Andrew Karnage keeping him up there for quite a bit of time, making him think about if.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage dumps AVB like a sack of potatoes in a suplex!
Big pop as Alexander Von Blankenship sits up and arches his back in pain! Andrew Karnage steps over him and laces his calf behind AVB’s neck, and clasping his arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stranglehold gamma. Karnage plants his feet and cranks back on Von Blankenship’s arm.
Philip Blauer: Alexander Von Blankenship not going anywhere.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage putting pressure on the back of AVB’s head with his calf, pushing his chin into his chest.
The Palm Springs fans cheer Karnage. Richie Richardson checks in with Von Blankenship but he shakes his head, refusing to quit. AVB scooches over until he grabs the bottom rope. Richardson calls for the break, and Hardkore Hall boos
Philip Blauer: Alexander Von Blankenship back to his feet but a little worse for wear.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB turns his head, loosening his neck a little. Andrew Karnage goes in to lock up again, but Von Blankenship once again sticks his neck through the ropes.
The crowd boos and Alexander Von Blankenship signals for a time out. Richie Richardson backs Andrew Karnage off, but Karnage tries to get past. AVB yells “Get him back, Richie!”
Philip Blauer: Alexander Von Blankenship almost seems to have a familiarity with that young ref.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage arguing with Richie Richardson, and Alexander Von Blankenship comes over top with an eye rake. He plants his feet and snap suplexes Karnage out of his boots!
Philip Blauer: Excellent technique!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I hate to agree, but Von Blankenship definitely has a crispness to his moves that he had to have gleaned from his father.
Alexander Von Blankenship sits up to the jeers of the crowd. He sneers and pulls Karnage up to his feet by the hair. AVB scoops him up and drops him across his knee with a backbreaker
Philip Blauer: AVB measuring Andrew Karnage, waiting for the poor sap to get to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship charges with his Baptism superman punch, but Andrew Karnage ducks it and grabs AVB with a german suplex!!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Alexander Von Blankenship rolls his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage grabs Von Blankenship’s ankle and turns him over into a single leg boston crab, while he stands on the back of his head with his foot.
Philip Blauer: The AK-47 cranks back with AVB’s leg, trying to hyperextend the knee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnagge grinds the back of his heel into the back of Alexander Von Blankenship’s skull.
The Palm Springs Convention Center cheers as Alexander Von Blankenship screams in pain. He plants his hands and does a push up to try and relieve some of the pressure. Richie Richardson asks AVB if he wants to tap out but he shakes his head
Guillermo O'Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship crawls over to the side of the ring and grabs the bottom rope.
The fans boo as Richie Richardson demands Andrew Karnage releases the single leg boston crab. Karnage reluctantly does, and Von Blankenship pulls himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage pulls AVB to his feet and shoots him to the ropes. He ducks down for a backdrop, but Alexander Von Blankenship catches him with a swinging neckbreaker.
The crowd jeers as Karnage sits up clutching the back of his neck. Alexander Von Blankenship pulls him up into a suplex, and then drops Karnage’s ankles onto the top rope for a slingshot suplex
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Andrew Karnage kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship scoops Andrew Karnage up and tosses him across the ring with a fallaway suplex!
The boos thunder as sits AVB up and nods at the audience. After some long moments, Von Blankenship gets to his feet and pulls Karnage up for a rock bottom
Philip Blauer: Andrew Karnage blocks it!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage counters with a suplex and drops Von Blankenship on his face with a gourdbuster!!
The jeers turn to cheers and Karnage and Alexander Von Blankenship lie next to one another on the mat for a second. The Palm Springs audience urges Andrew Karnage to get back to his feet, while AVB gets himself up by using the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship comes at him with the Ordained superkick, but Andrew Karnage ducks it and catches him with a saito suplex!!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage pulls him up into a half nelson hammerlock, but AVB spins around into a back elbow to Karnage’s temple. He hooks him up into a suplex, cradles the leg but then twists him into a lightning spiral!! The Blessing!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...THR-Andrew Karnage kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship shoots Karnage into the ropes and catches him, kicks his leg out and spinebusters him hard into the mat!
Andrew Karnage gets right back up and stares at a shocked AVB! The audience roars
Philip Blauer: My word, he’s like some sort of Frankenstien if it came from Utah.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship tries to plead his case, but when Andrew Karnage looks to the fans, Alexander slaps the taste out of his mouth!
Hardkore Hall lets out a collective “OH!” Karnage’s face remains turned to the side for a few moments before he looks back at a fearful AVB
Philip Blauer: This gives me the perfect chance to do this little ditty I heard about that lad from Hitch and his friend from Pooty Tang…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, no…Karnage grabs Alexander Von Blankenship by the waist and hits him with a proper spinebuster!
AVB sits up in pain, but Karnage pulls him up by the hair. He holds Von Blankenship's hair, plants his foot, leans back and pops Von Blankenship between the eyes with a giant headbutt! AVB lies sprawled out on the mat for a moment while the audience chants “KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!!”
Philip Blauer: I think Marx got it wrong, headbutts appear to be the opiate of the masses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage pulls AVB up by the hair again and kicks him in the gut. He goes for another, but Blankenship catches his leg and leg whips him to the ground.
The cheers turn to jeers as Karnage clutches his knee, and Alexander Von Blankenship fixes his hair from where Karnage grabbed it. He grabs the top rope for balance and starts kicking and stomping Karnage’s knee. He thinks about that headbutt, and loses it, stomping Karnage’s knee over and over
Philip Blauer: That young chap has got to get it together, when is Jonnie’s nephew there gonna take some control of this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (talking over him) It’s not…that’s Richie Richardson.
Philip Blauer: In a pig’s eye.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB pulls Karnage up by his hair into a suplex position. He plants his feet and snap suplexes the AK-47 out of his boots.
The fans jeer and start chanting “Rat Bastard Sucks!” Alexander Von Blankenship flips them the middle finger to quiet them and gets a loud heel pop. AVB snarls his lip and pulls Karnage up to his feet and butterflies his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship lifts AVB up and swings him over into an angel’s wings!! Purification!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Andrew Karnage kicks out
The Palm Springs fans applaud while AVB complains of a slow count to Richie Richardson. Von Blankenship runs his hands through his sweaty hair, while Andrew Karnage lies next to him, sprawled out
Philip Blauer: That young gent seems to have an idea in his mind on what to do next.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship, waiting in the corner for Karnage to get to his feet; measuring him.
Phillip Blauer: Karnage trying to get to a vertical base, but it’s been a while since he’s had this rigorous an encounter, while AVB is clearly in better ring shape.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship runs at him with that Baptism superman punch, but Karnage avoids it and grabs AVB in a masterlock full nelson.
The audience makes some noise as Karnage begins spinning round and round, until Von Blankenship’s feet leave the ground
Philip Blauer: Since the younger one keeps naming moves, I’m going to call that…Sketchy Roadside Attraction. What do you think, Ginseng? Not bad eh chum?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie Richardson check in each time Alexander Von Blankenship makes a revolution, but the tough kid refuses to submit to that unbelievable pressure that has to be putting on the back of his neck.
AVB is able to get his feet on the ground and stop the momentum of the Sketchy Roadside Attraction. Karnage readjusts it into a rear naked choke, and then drops back into a tiger suplex ‘85
Guillermo O’Bannon: White Tiger Suplex!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Alexander Von Blankenship rolls his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage rolls him up into a rear waistlock, and then snaps back into a german suplex! He rolls AVB to his feet again, switches to a full nelson and dragon suplexes him with a nice bridge! Death By Suplex!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Alexander Von Blankenship gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage shoots Von Blankenship into the ropes, he dips down for a back body drop, but AVB catches him with a swinging neckbreaker!
Hardkore Hall boos as Karnage sits up, clutching the back of his neck. An intense looking Von Blankenship pulls Karnage’s head into his legs, and flips him up onto his shoulder then deposits Karnage on the back of his head with a barry white driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Desecration!!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Andrew Karnage kicks out
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lifts him up into a suplex, and drops Karnage’s feet on the top rope for a slingshot suplex, but Karnage dead weights and is able to land on his feet in front of AVB!
Andrew Karnage swings a Nightmare Lariot but Von Blankenship grabs referee Referee Richardson’s shirt and hides behind him, stopping Karnage in his tracks
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie’s gotta get out of the way here…
Philip Blauer: Don’t do it, Andrew! You’ll make a powerful enemy around here.
AVB uses the confusion to sneak up and gets underneath Karnage, lifting him up and onto Von Blankenship’s shoulders, over onto his head with his burning hammer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Omnipotence!!
An exhausted AVB crawls over and collapses on top of Andrew Karnage
...ONE!
...TWO!
...THREE!!!
Blessed up by Wande plays and Hardkore Hall rocks with boos. AVB rolls off of Karnage, with one arm weakly up in the air
Phillip Blauer: AVB did it! The biggest win of his young career! I gotta say that’s swell.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship hid behind referee Richie…
Phillip Blauer: Aren’t we all hiding behind something Gelson? It’s why there’s competitive paintball. Cut the kid some slack, will ya?
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes, 4 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS OF THE HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
Richie Richardson holds up AVB’s arm while he fixes his shirt, and Von Blankenship bathes in the Palm Springs fans’ hatred. The camera cuts to severals groups of fans, craning over the railing screaming obscenities to an amused AVB
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think this guy will admit it, but this is a big moment in his career, defeating Andrew Karnage in the first match of Hardkore World’s relaunch, not to mention advancing to the second round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament to face the winner of the next match, Andrew Karnage’s old tag team partner, Kilroy Evans and The Sheik next month in San Diego.
AVB does a lackadaisical fall through the ropes to the floor and after catching his breath, regains some of his swagger. He smacks away a water bottle thrown at his head, and points out the guy who threw it. Meanwhile, inside the ring, Andrew Karnage sits up, clutching the back of his neck. Karnage questions Richie Richardson, who shirks off any blame. At the top of the ramp, Alexander Von Blankenship does a crybaby face at a few fans in the aisle, then tells them “I told you so!”
Philip Blauer: Call me a cockeyed optimist, but that young scamp is probably going to make a lot of coin in this business. He’s got “it”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: A famous Dad?
Philip Blauer: That’s the stuff.
Cut to a local commercial. A husband and wife real estate team with gold blazers stand on the KPLM TV set with a cover band behind them. They awkwardly stand there for a beat too long before the wife starts talking
Donna: Hello, I am local reality legend Donna McCormick with Palm Springs Reality. This is my husband, Rex.
Rex: (nods…gulps)
Rex seems to have a line but just continues to nod. Donna shoots him some side eye then continues
Donna: Palm Springs summers are the worst in the world. 120 degrees…and humidity?
Rex: (has a line)
Donna: …
Rex: Yeah…I…that’s…
Donna: I think what you mean to say it’s crazy.
A terrified Rex nods
Donna: (looks at the camera) And what else is crazy is the prices for a summer home in Spokane, Washington. 1!! 2!! 3!!
The bassist kicks in with the intro to Eric Clapton’s “Cocaine”. A visibly ill looking Rex keeps looking at the camera while he painfully tries to dance
Donna: If you want to stay,
Where it’s snowing in May
Spokane
If you wanna get down
At an active downtown
Spokane
You must buy, you must buy, you must buy
Spokane
Donna’s Voiceover: So give me a call at Donna McCormick with Palm Springs Reality to buy…Spokane!
“What we think about as dead, gone and perished reemerges and appears in front of us renewed, reborn and in a new light”
The scene opens up with someone standing in front of the camera. The man is wearing a black t-shirt with “Dreams Reborn” written in yellow on it. The person´s face is covered by a Feline Mask. It is a yellow mask. The mouth is open wide enough to let ferocious fangs stick out. The eyes are holes, letting the eyes of the wearer appear; the wearer's own brown eyes shine through it. The mask gives a vicious look to the whole feline appearance. It makes it appear as if a violent roar would echo through the whole place at any given moment, now.
The man nods, moving his head up and down, and crosses his arms on his chest. He leans back, against the wall, looking at the camera, without even breathing, for some more instants before resuming his speech.
“When I was a little kid I would sit in front of the TV, in the dining room, and watch Hardkore World all day long. I would watch the live shows, the recorded old tapes, and the shows of a week ago. I would cheer the likes of Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans while they battled it out against the likes of Cobryn and Lucifer Jones. I would clench my fists, enraged, when I would hear Lonewolf Mc Neely speak about his opponents and laugh at Syberus´es quick and witty remarks”
The man lowers his head, fixing his mask, and takes a deep breath before restarting
“Now the unimaginable has happened
Hardkore World is back…
…And with it, the likes of Andrew Karnage, Kilroy Evans, and Syberus. And what do you know, with Hardkore World coming back, a young and ferocious fighter will resume his adventure in the squared circle. Hardkore World is here now, and we hope the run will be a long and successful one. As I said, with it coming back, I have also decided to step back into the arena of the New Age Gladiators.
I am here
The fighter presents himself to the new challenge of his old Heroes!
The feline stalks its prey…
…Lynx is back.”
The fighter in front of the camera, the one they call Lynx, points at it while shaking his head up and down.
“Fans and fighters alike
Welcome to one of the best wrestling companies that ever existed.
Welcome to Hardkore World”
Lynx slowly turns his back to the camera, while the picture fades to the Hardkore locker room. Backstage interviewer Kevin Valentine seems to not know he's on camera.
Kevin Valentine: Yeah, so that was a pretty sweet gig being a lifeguard. Pretty much get paid to talk to girls. But my Dad said my Uncle Jonnie needed a stick man and...
The shot abruptly cuts back to a rowdy Hardkore Hall where “'Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry about that folks, we had a little bit of a technical difficulty.
Philip Blauer: I was interested in the rest of that story, but who was that chap from earlier?
Guillermo O'Bannon: That’s the newly signed Lynx who has returned to live a dream of his to wrestle in the company he watched as a youth.
Phillip Blauer: Very mysterious. Could be anybody under that mask. With a few sit ups it could even be me.
The fans jeer as The Sheik walks out with Malcom Xavier Graves, staring eerily at the Palm Springs fans
Phillip Blauer: My word, who is this, pray tell?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s The Sheik, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I can see that, Geraldo. But look past appearances for one second and tell me who the inner being is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil that’s his name. He comes from somewhere known as the Empty Quarter.
Philip Blauer: Ah, I know it only too well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No you don’t.
The Sheik runs into the ring, then twirls around, with a wild look in his eye
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s the de facto leader of the Empty Quarter, and the locals consider him immortal after his dominant wins in underground fight clubs.
Philip Blauer: I’m not supposed to talk about this, but I was in a fight club once.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This isn’t the same kind of…
Philip Blauer: Well it was more of a debate club but we really stuck it to one another, I will say.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves thinks Kilroy Evans is out of gas and unable to compete with a younger, more violent Sheik. And if The Sheik can defeat a former Hardkore World Champion on his first night in the company, he will not only advance to wrestle Alexander Von Blankenship in the semi-finals in San Diego, he will cement his name in our annals on an important night in our history.
Philip Blauer: I, for one, will not have anyone cementing anything in my annals, buddy.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is part of the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship! Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; Hailing from Arabia’s Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 230 pounds, The Whirlwind of Destruction; The Storm of Violence..THE SHEIK!!!”
The crowd boos as The Sheik threatens a few guys in the front row
Then “Rock Club” by Family Jules plays and the Palm Springs fans leap to their feet! The audience chants “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” until Kilroy steps through the curtain and greets old friends he has in the crowd from past victories and fan conventions
Guillermo O’Bannon: And there he is the World’s Most Huggable Wrestler.
Philip Blauer: Strongly disagree. I’ve had the unfortunate experience at a Christmas party in 99 and it was like hugging a damp scrubber machine at a car wash if it mostly washed Waffle House grills. They have his picture up at Lowe’s that says “Don’t Let In”. It’s right next to the picture of the manager of housewares that was at January 6th.
Guillermo O’Bannon: These fans have loved this guy since 1997! He is still the last recognized Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion after winning the belt from James Fierce back in 2008.
Kilroy Evans walks to the ring at a relaxed pace, taking time to have a laugh particular longtime fans in the familiar Palm Springs audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: He loves this crowd, this is where he and Andrew Karnage won the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships over The Cupcake Crew in 2006. I talked to him backstage…
Philip Blauer: To hit him up for money I assume.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And he says he can’t wait for this, he can’t wait to go back to that place that made him so happy over the years.
Kilroy Evans points to a sign that says “Lowe’s Most Wanted” with a mugshot of Kilroy
Guillermo O’Bannon: He fought side by side with Jonnie in SWAT a couple years ago, however, it’s been a little while since he’s been back at this full time. Tonight, he looks to withstand the brutality of The Sheik to avenge his partner Andrew Karnge who was beat tonight by Alexander Von Blankenship. AVB is waiting for him in the semi-finals in San Diego. Meanwhile, The Sheik is in the prime of his life, and looking to make a big name for himself tonight.
A smiling Kilroy Evans walks into the ring and shakes hands with referee Kelly McConnell. He suddenly locks eyes on The Sheik, barely blinking as he stares at him
Greg Jin: "His opponent is from Attbury, South Carolina; He stands at 5 feet 11 inches; and weighs a new slim, trim, ripped and JEEEE-ACKKED 245 pounds; He is The World’s Most Huggable Wrestler, The Attbury Assassin….KILROY EVANS!!!”
Hardkore Hall lets out an ear splitting pop as Kilroy Evans raises one arm, never taking his eyes off of The Sheik.
Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament Match
The Sheik vs. Kilroy Evans
Kelly McConnell signals for the bell and Kilroy Evans and Sheik lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Philip Blauer: WE WANT BLOOD!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Calm down, Phil. The match just started.
Philip Blauer: Ya gotta let em know early, old chum. Otherwise they don’t trim your hedges properly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and Kilroy Evans jockeying for position, and Kilroy takes him over in a snap mare. Sheik rolls to his feet and runs into the ropes. On the come back, Kilroy avoids him and drop toeholds him to the mat.
Kilroy Evans scoops The Sheik up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker. Sheik gets up, holding his shoulder, and walks right into a gut wrench suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans irish whips The Sheik into the ropes, but The Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope and hops back with a springboard back elbow!!
The cheers turn to jeers. The Sheik motions for something, and Malcolm Xavier Graves slides a chair into the ring
Philip Blauer: See, I can’t even get my manager to take my calls.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses that chair at Kilroy’s head!!
Hardkore Hall lets out a collective “OH!!” and Kilroy Evans falls through the ropes to the floor below. The Sheik grabs the top rope and slingshots himself over the top rope onto a rising Kilroy Evans, smacking Evans’ head against the guardrail with a sickening crack
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls Kilroy up and smashes his face into the guardrail! Evans is beginning to bleed already.
Phillip Blauer: Now I remember him. Elroy, right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik about to suplex Kilroy on the concrete, but Evans’ blocks it with his leg. He plants his feet and lifts The Sheik up into a suplex, and then brainbusters him on the floor!!
The Palm Springs fans cheer as both men lie on the floor, trying to collect themselves. Malcolm Xavier Graves tries to revive The Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls The Sheik up into a rear waistlock, and german suplexes the back of his head into that guardrail!!
The crowd lets out another “OH!!” at the sound of The Sheik’s head hitting the steel. The Sheik holds the back of his head and stomps his heel into the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy tosses The Sheik over the railing into the crowd!
Phillip Blauer: The fans scatter like the roaches they are.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil!
A bleeding Kilroy straddles over the railing and The Sheik catches him coming over with a monster chair shot that bends the frame of the chair!! Evans tumbles into the front row, and the Palm Springs fans boo The Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hangs on to the railing for balance as he stomps him on the floor. The Sheik backs up and waits for Kilroy to rise. He gets a running start and whips around Kilroy’s neck with a slingblade out in the crowd!!
The Sheik stands up and bizarrely glares at the jeering fans who are too scared to get close to him. Kilroy Evans uses the railing to pull himself up, and then leans back against it
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs at Kilroy Evans and heel kicks him up and over the railing, back into the ringside area!
Malcolm Xavier Graves berates Kilroy Evans as he bleeds on the floor. He hands The Sheik another chair while The Sheik shakily tries to balance on the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik somersaults into an arabian facebuster with that chair to Kilroy Evans’ face while he’s lying on the concrete!!
The sound of the chair pops the crowd, as Kilroy clutches his face with both hands; blood seeping through his fingers. The Sheik pulls Kilroy up into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik goes for a DDT, but Kilroy backdrops him on that cold hard floor!
The crowd comes to life, rooting on Kilroy Evans as he uses the apron to pull himself up. He smiles through his crimson mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans charges The Sheik and spears him into the railing behind him!!
Philip Blauer: Jiminy Christmas, he dislodged the blasted thing!
The fans chant “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” as Evans and Sheik lie on the floor, next to the twisted railing. Malcolm Xavier Graves tries to wake The Sheik up
Philip Blauer: For whatever reason, Kilroy seems to have missed this barbaric kind of match, and he looks to be in some sort of daze.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He gets on top of The Sheik and begins biting his forehead, until he draws blood!
Philip Blauer: Jonnie’s really got to get better catering. This poor slob is starving, look at him. Wasting away at 245 pounds.
Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls Kilroy off of him, but Evans turns around with bloody teeth and MXG immediately backs off. Kilroy Evans turns his attention away, and grabs a chair, then unfolds it and sets it up on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans positions The Sheik in front of the standing chair in a reverse russian legsweep, but The Sheik blocks it. He back elbows Evans in the face. He wheelbarrows Kilroy’s legs up into a sitout facebuster on the steel chair!!
Evans breaks the seat of the chair with his face, and flops around on the ringside area like a fish out of water, bleeding all over the floor of the Palm Springs Convention Center!! The Sheik licks the blood running down his own face as the boos rain down
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rolls Kilroy Evans back into the ring.
Philip Blauer: Wow, inside the ring. What a concept.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik climbs back up onto the apron…
Phillip Blauer: If you couldn’t tell there, Gelman, I was being sarcastic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I got it, Phillip. The Sheik pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself over into a legdrop!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Kilroy kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls Evans up near the corner and grabs him with a front facelock, and then steps up to the second rope. He jumps off with a tornado DDT, but Kiltoy Evans reverses it into a spinebuster!
Hardkore Hall cheers as The Sheik sits up; his back arched with pain and blood streaming down his face. Kilroy can’t capitalize as he tries to catch his breath
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy Evans clearly winded and the ring rust is apparent.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy irish whips The Sheik but hangs on and pulls him into his Shake Hands With Danger shortarm headbutt that opens The Sheik up some more over that eyebrow!
The Sheik is dazed, so Kilroy Evans drops him with a jawbreaker! When The Sheik’s legs fly up, Kilroy catches them and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jawsome!
Philip Blauer: No! The exalted Sheik, His Royal Highness had that South Carolina scruffian smack dab in the middle of the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s not rich, Phil…
Philip Blauer: Is that so? Phew, pressure’s off. Never want to bad mouth one of these gents and then run into them at the club house at the country club.
Philip looks at the camera and gestures towards Guillermo
Philip Blauer: Oh, folks. He’s a poor, he doesn’t get it. Bless his heart. Let me see if I can put it in terms you understand, Ginormous.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell in perfect position to see if The Sheik taps out to Jawsome here.
The audience cheers wildly as The Sheik does a push-up to try and relieve the pressure on his lower back, but winds up bleeding all over the Hardkore World canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulling Shiek’s twisted legs back towards his head as…
Philip Blauer: I’ve got it. Imagine you cut off one of your colleagues at the check cashing place you frequent. It’s kind of like that.
Malcolm Xavier Graves pleads with The Sheik to hang on at ringside while the crowd makes some noise. Kilroy nods his head at them while he pulls back on the cloverleaf
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if The Sheik wants to tap out but he refuses. Kilroy Evans plants his feet and pulls back on The Sheik’s legs, trying to end the match with Jawsome.
The Sheik crawls over to the side of the ring and grabs the bottom rope. The fans boo as Kelly O’Connnell forces Kilroy Evans to release The Jawsome. The Sheik grimaces in pain while Malcolm Xavier Graves consoles him at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls The Sheik up into a butterfly position, but The Sheik backdrops him to the mat. He scoops Kilroy up and drops him into a michinoku driver II!!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Kilroy kicks out
Philip Blauer: That Malcolm X fellow threw in another chair.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Malcolm Xavier Graves, Phil, not…The Sheik sets the chair up in the center of the ring. He pulls Kilroy Evans up into a front facelock and DDTs him on the standing chair!!
Kilroy Evans isn’t moving for several seconds while a crimson masked Sheik stares at the camera. Malcolm Xavier Graves screams at The Sheik to cover his man
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring and backflips into a perfect moonsault!!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Kilroy kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans tries to get up but The Sheik pulls him down by the arm into a LeBell lock! The Sheik locks his fingers and pulls back on Kilroy’s head, while putting pressure on that trapped arm.
The Palm Springs fans boo as Malcolm Xavier Graves pounds on the mat, urging Kilroy Evans to give up. Blood runs down Kilroy’s face as he shakes his head to Kelly O’Connell, refusing to tap out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans crawls over to the ropes while The Sheik continues to crank back on his head.
The audience urges Kilroy on and he inches closer and closer. Finally, Evans hooks that bottom rope and gets some applause while Kelly O’Connell forces The Sheik to break
Philip Blauer: There seems to be some language barrier here as The Sheik refuses to break the hold.
The blood drenched Sheik finally releases the Lebell lock and gets to his feet. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands him another chair. The Sheik climbs to the top rope with the chair and then somersaults off with an atomic Arabian facebuster but Kilroy Evans rolls out of the way!! The Palm Springs fans leap to their feet, as The Sheik clutches the back of his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy pulls him up into a cobra clutch, but The Sheik quickly backpedals until Evans’ back hits the turnbuckles. Kilroy staggers out into The Scimitar black mass spin kick from The Sheik, but Evans ducks and counters with his diamond cutter The Bad Touch!!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...THREE!!!
"Rock Club" by Family Jules plays and Hardkore Hall celebrates!! A blood soaked Kilroy Evans rolls off of The Sheik with one arm raised
Greg Jin: “At 19 minutes, 27 seconds, The Winner Of The Match, Advancing To The Semi-Finals Of The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The fans jump up and down while Malcolm Xavier Graves complains to Kelly O’Connell. A very bloody Kilroy Evans rolls out of the ring and walks down the aisle with one arm in the air. Exuberant Palm Springs fans reach over to slap his shoulders
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves challenged him to let the old Kilroy Evans out.
Philip Blauer: Malcolm X called down the thunder, well, now he’s got it. That’s a catch phrase from the popular Western picture known as City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans has a date with Alexander Von Blankenship, son of XHF legend, Rat Bastard in the second round in San Diego next month. After what he pulled in his match with Andrew Karnage, Kilroy can’t be happy with AVB.
Philip Blauer: The Rat Boy kid should take a look at the blood all over that ring and hope for one thing next month.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s that?
Philip Blauer: That Jonnie knows a place out here that can do a decent power wash on that thing.
The bloody Sheik rolls out of the ring, looking for Kilroy Evans. Malcolm Xavier Graves tries to calm him down, but to no avail
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think The Sheik is done quite yet.
Philip Blauer: The Sheik now flipping the timekeeper’s table, and tossing chairs into the crowd, with no respect for our personal liability insurance!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik looking like he’s trying to hurt some of the fans here, hurling those steel chairs at fans that are trapped, with nowhere to go!
Screams are heard through the audience, as panic sets in. A bloody Sheik yammers at them, flipping standing and unfolded chairs towards them, as they barely miss audience member in an Blaze Freya t-shirt. A muffled, then loud pop happens as Kilroy runs out of the locker room
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy’s back! He must have saw what was happening on the monitors, and came to save the fans being harassed and nearly hurt by those chairs.
Philip Blauer: I’m surprised Eric Valentine doesn’t have the monitors on Storage Wars in gorilla.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans now pounding on The Sheik, who clearly was hoping for this, using his affection for the Hardkore fans to lure him out here!
The crowd is on their feet as the blood covered Sheik and Kilroy Evans exchange brutally stiff punches that stagger both men
Philip Blauer: This Sheik fellow seems to have opened Kilroy up more, if that was possible.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think you're right. Whatever they did backstage to try and stem Kilroy’s bleeding has been undone, by those hard rights by The Sheik, but Kilroy now the one backing The Sheik up with forearms and biting, until they are now at the top of the ramp
Hardkore Hall chants “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” as The Sheik and Kilroy fight through the curtain into the back with Malcolm Xavier Graves along with referees Richie Richardson, Kelly O’Connell and Tommy Milligan hot on their trail. Cameras go through the curtain and catch Hardkore World road agents Cyrus Williams, Tum Tum, and Microshocker try and break the two up, but Kilroy Evans and The Sheik both toss them aside
Philip Blauer: Of all the guys coming back tonight, Cyrus looks the worst. It looks like he’s been living on wrestling convention buffets for 12 years.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He did go down pretty easy there.
Philip Blauer: It was a little sad.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans now slugging The Sheik, backing him up into where Blaze Freya is doing her pre-tape!
Camera men and lighting guys scatter as a bloody Sheik falls into their shot. Freya lets them fight as The Sheik catches an oncoming Kilroy Evans with a haymaker right, and then smashes him into a Palm Springs Convention Center wall! Kilroy’s blood gets all over an old poster for Barry Manilow’s Holiday Concert
Philip Blauer: Dammit Gregorian, that’s going too far. That man writes the songs that the whole world sings! The whole world, Gregorian!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs a table and flips it over, spilling the catering all over the floor!
Philip Blauer: My cornish hens!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses that table at Kilroy like a javelin! Fans, we gotta go to break! Stay tuned for the rest of the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament!
“It’s inevitable that we’re all going to die.”
(An old couple nods)
For every beginning, there must be an end. But did you know you’re wide awake down there the whole time?
(The old couple acts surprised and shakes their head, and then an animation begins)
You spend an eternity in a tight little box, with nowhere to pee. And before you ask, No. There’s no room to do that either.
But how can you avoid this pesky problem that has plagued humanity throughout time?
(The old couple shrugs)
With a sky funeral! What’s a sky funeral you ask?
An animation begins with a cartoon dead body with xx’s across it’s eyes
It’s where you are allowed to decompose naturally, without the use of worms who are too busy doing other important worm stuff to eat you.
Cartoon vultures with big adam’s apples fly down and start eating the corpse
You are laid out where the local buzzards can take care of you, until there is nothing left but memories.
Fade to a new age looking woman
Sojourn: Hello, I’m Sojourn Fitzpatrick.
Two hippie men appear behind her
Sojourn: And this is my husband Atticus, and our longtime lover who has not yet told us his name.
They both nod slightly towards the camera
Sojourn: The Fitzpatrick family has been taking care of the Desert’s funeral needs for over 78 years, but now it’s my turn to offer an alternative to avoid spending eternity in something with little to no back support and would be a waking nightmare of maddening solitude. Choose a sky funeral for your loved ones today by calling Fitzpatrick Funeral Home in Palm Springs!
With a hushed tone, a spokesman does a very fast disclaimer
“Buzzards may not be the wild animal that devours you. Said animal varies by region. Yes, this is a totally real thing but not entirely legal by which we mean not at all except for in Tibet. No refunds.”
Fade back to Hardkore Hall where “Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays
The Palm Springs fans leap to their feet as Tux stands at each side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak up and encourage the crowd’s cheers
Guillermo O’Bannon: And here he is! Back in front of one of his favorite crowds in the World! Tuxedo Mask has had some notable matches in this building, like in June of 2003 when he had that thrilling best of three falls match with "Sweet" Richard Romero to win the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship.
Philip Blauer: (checks his glasses) I remember this lollygagger. Didn’t he get real fat once?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, it’s 2022 and we don’t body shame. He maintains that wasn’t him.
Philip Blauer: Poppycock.
In an ode to his gymnastic ability, Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance.
Philip Blauer: Oh my! He’s still got it. And by it, I mean an ever present need for attention.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After creating a popular YouTube channel, Tuxedo Mask was living the high life in retirement.
Philip Blauer: Retirement is wonderful. I really miss it. Dinner at 3:30. Your phone ringing off the hook from pollsters. Or the social security guy that always calls to make sure I still can read him my social security number and credit card numbers. Nice chap.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Everything was just perfect until that fateful day that Tux invited Jonnie Valentine onto his show.
Phillip Blauer: I could have told him that. That’s a career ender!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jonnie’s language and his inebriated state got Tux demonetized and he was forced to return to wrestling in SWAT a couple years ago. He shook off the ring rust there but comes into Hardkore World with some trepidation, with it being his first intergender match. But he is hoping to shake it off early and is looking to win his first Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship with the first win tonight.
Tuxedo Mask slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of adoration from the Palm Springs fans before preparing for the match.
Philip Blauer: You think Joey Swoll and I would be friends?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I really don’t think…
Philip Blauer: I’d like to think so.
Greg Jin: "The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is part of the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Tournament. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure...TUXEDO MASK!!!"
Hardkore Hall roars and Tuxedo Mask pretends to be surprised and does a humble wave. Then the Palm Springs Convention Center darkens and the fans erupt into loud cheers as “Collapsing” by Demon Hunter blasts through the speakers.
Red, pink and purple lights flicker on and off in rapid succession creating a beautiful strobe effect over the stage as none other than The Blackpool Bombshell herself, Blaze Freya comes out from behind the curtain, walking backwards onto the stage with a charismatic strut
Guillermo O'Bannon: And here she is, the biggest free agency pick up in Hardkore World. The Blackpool Bombshell, SWAT’s most popular wrestler Blaze “Fucking” Freya!
Freya’s black hood covers her lowered head until she spins around triggering the lights to brighten to reveal her gorgeous face as she removes the hood, headbanging with the fans a bit.
Guillermo O'Bannon: She was in a high profile feud with SWAT founder Paul Soutter last year that attracted alot of attention.
Phillip Blauer: You know, that really grinds my gears. People just don’t want to work anymore. A feud with the boss? That yearly review could not have gone well.
Blaze nods in approval hearing the roar of the Palm Springs crowd, feeding off of their excitement then rolls her shoulders a few times, sprinting down the ramp and sliding into the center of the ring, humping it briefly.
Philip Blauer: Gadzooks! Some of us have wives watching this program. Very old wives with heart conditions!
Blaze then leans back on her knees running her fingers through her long black hair, flirtatiously winking at the nearest camera before standing up to her feet and walking back to her corner, looking at Tuxedo Mask with a determined look on her face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya was the first female eWo World Heavyweight Champion and has held European titles, Junior Heavyweight Championships, Tag Team Championships and is a former women’s champion in New Rising, Devastation, eWo, and in SWAT.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Blackpool, England; She stands at 5 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 125 pounds; She is The Blackpool Bombshell…BLAZE FREYA!!!”
The audience roars and Blaze Freya raises her eyebrow at Tuxedo Mask, who thought he was the popular one
Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament Match
Blaze Freya vs. Tuxedo Mask
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Blaze Freya charges Tux in the corner, peppering him with forearms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya starting this match out with a bang! Tux’s head bounces back with each forearm, backing him into the ropes. Blaze Freya shoots him into the ropes and nails him with a bicycle kick!
The fans pop and Blaze hooks Tuxedo Mask, and then nearly snap suplexes him out of his boots. Tux sits up as Blaze runs into the ropes and comes back with a running knee smash to his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze pulls him up by the hair, but out of desperation, Tux does a split to slip away, and punches Freya in the stomach while he’s down there. He gets back to his feet behind her and does a roundhouse kick to the back of her head!
Hardkore Hall applauds and Tuxedo Mask bathes in their adulation)
Philip Blauer: Look at him. Thinks he’s so cute.
Blaze Freya gets to her feet, Tuxedo Mask twists her arm. He gives her arm a second twist as she cries out in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask missing that attention he got from his YouTube channel, and is hoping to get it back the old fashioned way. Having Meltzer give his matches 5 stars in return for leaks.
Philip Blauer: I can’t say I caught his little program. I don’t go in for the YouTube downstream shows. I like Blue Bloods. You ever seen Blue Bloods, Gabriel?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I haven’t Phil. Tuxedo Mask wrenches that arm while Tommy Milligan checks in.
Philip Blauer: Oh it’s a fine show. Tom Selleck quietly dispensing Irish American wisdom. I think you would really enjoy it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask uses Blaze’s twisted arm to run up the ropes, hop onto the middle of the top rope and springboard off into a la majistral!
...ONE!
...Blaze Freya kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya kips up into a european forearm that rocks Tuxedo Mask!
The Palm Springs Convention Center cheers! Blaze Freya irish whips Tuxedo Mask into the corner, and then follows him in with a back elbow.
Philip Blauer: I tell you, you know who wouldn’t do too well on Blue Bloods, Gaga? Tuxedo Mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t really wanna get into Blue Bloods, Phil.
Philip Blauer: No, Tom Selleck and the Reagan clan don’t really like a hot dog. Most of the time, it’s the big mouth that did it. And in the end, he gets his just desserts.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Freya grabs him in a front facelock and steps up to the second turnbuckle. She hops off into a tornado DDT that drills Tuxedo Mask’s skull into the mat!
Blaze raises her hand up high into the air and the fans pop. She sticks down the front of her tights
Philip Blauer: I see this company hasn’t changed a bit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya slaps a kneeling Tuxedo Mask across the face!
Hardkore Hall roars and Tuxedo Mask stumbles into the ropes. Blaze runs into the opposite side’s ropes, but Tux avoids a bicycle kick, and Freya crotches herself on the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask slaps her back!
Philip Blauer: Oh no he did not!
Blaze looks at thim with murder in his eyes and Tux’s eyes bulge. He gulps, and then ducks a punch from the straddled Freya and kangaroo kicks her to the floor!! The Palm Springs Convention Center cheers as Tuxedo Mask runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask baseball slides under the bottom rope, catching Blaze Freya with a spinning headscissors to the floor!!
The crowd applauds while Blaze and Tux both lie on the concrete. Tux pulls himself up the announce table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux right here by us now.
A panting Tux takes a swig of Guillermo’s water and then spits it out in a mist on the floor
Tuxedo Mask: "Argh! It’s vodka!"
Guillermo shrugs
Philip Blauer: Very sad, Gabriel. Very sad.
Tuxedo Mask stands up on the announcer’s table. He looks at Phil, who’s turned around looking at Blaze, and steps onto Phil’s shoulders
Philip Blauer: Help, Ginseng! I’m being stepped on! I feel like Tony Atlas!
Tuxedo Mask leaps off of Phillip’s shoulders with a plancha, but Blaze ducks it and Tuxedo Mask crashes into the railing!! The Palm Springs fans let out a collective “OH!!” as Tux hits the steel and then flops into the front row of the audience
Philip Blauer: Did he step in cat food?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya rolls gingerly back into the ring while Tux tries to get to his feet out in the crowd there.
Tux apologizes to a woman that had her drink spilled when he fell in front of her. She says it’s quite alright. Tux stops and asks her if she ever watched his YouTube channel. She says she used to but hasn’t checked it in a while. Tux tells her she should really check it out, he’s got all new content. Suddenly it cuts to a shot from a different part of the Palm Springs Convention Center where the audience is reacting to a big move.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our cameras weren’t able to catch it but Blaze Freya tackles the distracted Tuxedo Mask with a suicide dive off the top turnbuckle out into the crowd!!
The Palm Springs fans chant “BLAZE! BLAZE! BLAZE!” as Tuxedo Mask’s female fan covers her mouth at poor Tux, as he moans on the floor
Philip Blauer: Our director Danny Valentine, not able to catch Blaze Freya’s dive, but hey, it’s live TV folks. Meanwhile, Blaze Freya may have found Tux’s one achilles heel. The need to be loved.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya steps over the railing and rolls onto the apron. She stands up and then hops onto the middle of the second rope, springboard moonsaulting onto Tuxedo Mask in the second row!!
The chants of “BLAZE! BLAZE! BLAZE!” are much louder as she and Tuxedo Mask lie amongst a bed of overturned chairs, beer cups, and a wet Nightmare Lariot sign.
Philip Blauer: Did we get that? Guys in the truck?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We did, just look at your monitor in front…why is this tuned to Tiny House Nation?
Philip Blauer: Come on, I’m hooked. A couple trying to live somewhere they can’t afford by spending their life savings to live in a shed and sleep in a drawer. I just regret the fact you never get to see Year 2 updates due to all the murders and whatnot.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze pulls him up and rocks Tux with a european uppercut. And then a back elbow that sends Tux over the railing back here into the ringside area
Blaze Freya rolls into the ring and runs into the ropes. She somersaults over the ropes with a senton but Tux avoids it and she hits the hard steel railing!! The Palm Springs Convention Center lets out another “”OH!!” Tuxedo Mask lies next to her, trying to regain his breath
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is the building where in June of 2004, Tuxedo Mask teamed with Death Gojira and Cobryn to defeat Matt Griffen, Pheonix, and T.H. Power in the first round of the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championship but they were eliminated in the second round by "God's Gift" Jeremiah Vastrix, "The Golden Child" Justin Sayne, and Jean-Paul Jaubergy.
Philip Blauer: My God, how do you remember this stuff? Was I there?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, Phil. Tuxedo Mask rolls Blaze Freya back into the ring and he climbs up to the apron. He slingshots himself up onto the middle of the second rope and then springboards into a somersault dragon rana on Blaze Freya!!
The Palm Springs fans come unglued as they chant “TUX!! TUX!! TUX!!” Tuxedo Mask power whips Blaze Freya into the turnbuckles so hard, she falls to the mat in the corner in a sitting position. Tux cartwheels into a handspring into a bronco buster!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux Buster!! Tuxedo Mask pulls Freya out of the corner with a snap suplex. Tuxedo Mask irish whips Blaze but she hops onto the middle of the second rope and hops back into a handspring headscissor DDT!!
Hardkore Hall erupts! Blaze climbs to the top turnbuckle while the audience stomps their feet in unison, making the Palm Springs Convention Center rumble
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya comes off the top rope with a double stomp to Tux’s face!!
Philip Blauer: That’s one way to affect his algorithm
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Tuxedo Mask kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Freya irish whips Tuxedo Mask, but Tux dives through Tommy Milligan’s legs!
Blaze Freya tries to get Tommy out of her way, while Tuxedo Mask jumps onto the middle of the top rope and backflips; Milligan gets out of the way just in time for Tux to land on Blaze with a springboard moonsault body press!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya stands up, only for Tuxedo Mask to get underneath her with a bridged saito suplex! Tuxplex ‘99!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Blaze Freya gets her shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Again, that is the move that broke El Hombre Murcie’Lago’s neck in 1999 during the Western Pacific title tournament in Gifu, Japan.
Philip Blauer: Tough piece of business there.
Tuxedo Mask steps on the backs of Blaze’s knees, and wraps their calves together. He applies an inverted facelock, and rolls Freya up into a dragon sleeper Mexican surfboard
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Tuxmission! Tuxedo Mask pushes up on the back of Blaze Freya’s knees, while bending her in half with the dragon sleeper.
The crowd is split with some cheering the Tuxmission and others urging Blaze to hang on. Tommy Milligan checks in with Blaze, looking for the tap out. Freya shakes her head, refusing to quit. Tux says “Come on, please?” Tux cranks on her head some more and says “How ‘bout now?”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask releases The Tuxmission and pulls her back to her feet. He punches her and she goes down to one knee.
The fans yell “FINISH HIM!” Tux looks to them to see what they’re talking about and Blaze Freya comes up with a big uppercut that dazes Tuxedo Mask
Philip Blauer: I believe that is from a computer game, Gazpacho.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s right it’s…
Philip Blauer: Burger Time. I know it well. It’s what prompted me to put an egg on hamburger sandwiches.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya twists Tux’s arm, places her foot against Tux’s face and drops down into an eat defeat!!
Blaze Freya pulls Tux up into a suplex but Tux floats over onto his feet behind her. He grabs her head in a ¾ nelson cravate, and runs up the turnbuckles into an acid drop, but Freya pushes him off and crotches him on the turnbuckle’s steel cable hook to the ring post! The Palm Springs fans let out a sympathetic “OH!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya has Tuxedo Mask crotched on the top turnbuckle, facing the audience, and she climbs up behind him. But Tux pops her in the eye with a sharp elbow.
Tuxedo Mask is able to turn around and butterfly Blaze’s arms. He flips over her into his double underhook sunset flip tigerbomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moonlight Waltz!!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...THREE!!
The Palm Springs fans leap to their feet and Tuxedo Mask rolls to his side in exhaustion as Zerospace by Kidneythieves plays through Hardkore Hall! Tommy Milligan holds up Tuxedo Mask’s arm
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 30 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS OF THE HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask wins Hardkore World’s first intergender match and boy it did not disappoint! He now advances to San Diego to face the winner of The Great Syberus vs “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar.
The crowd chants “TUX! TUX! TUX!” as Tuxedo Mask urges them on to be louder. Blaze Freya has rolled up to her knees, as she is physically spent. Tuxedo Mask looks over at her, and seems to mull something over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Blaze Freya now back to her feet, and Tuxedo Mask comes over and offers her his hand in respect.
Blaze looks to the fans who give their approval! Tuxedo gives her some words of newfound admiration. She looks unsure of Tuxedo Mask’s intentions but warily begins to offer her hand as the crowd gets louder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Freya shakes hands with Tuxedo Mask in the center of the ring!
Hardkore Hall starts chanting “FREYA! FREYA! FREYA!” when suddenly “Savage” by Megan Thee Stallion and Beyonce plays and the Hardkore Hall goes dark. After several moments, a spotlight hits the curtain and 5 time Hardkore World Women’s Champion “Sexy” Anjanette Turner walks out. The Palm Springs fans leap to their feet in unison at the return of the local favorite
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s “Sexy” Anjanette Turner! What is she doing here??
Philip Blauer: She’s married to the owner…
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I mean what is she doing walking down to the ring?
Blaze Freya stares at “Sexy” Anjanette Turner as she walks towards her, then hops down to the ring and motions for her to step inside the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s been 12 years since she’s stepped inside a ring, will she do it now to fight Blaze Freya?
“Sexy” Anjanette Turner stands in the aisle with her arms crossed as Blaze continues to challenge her. She nods and says “Oh, you’re gonna see me later. Don’t worry.” Then turns and walks back up the aisle
Phillip Blauer: Maybe Jonnie needed her to tell Blaze to get her time card in?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anjanette Turner seeming to take interest in either a match with Blaze or what else, I’m not sure. But an exciting development to be sure.
Open in an office. A man in a shirt and tie walks up to another man working in his cubicle)
Mitch: Hey Dan, remember to have those billing reports ready for tomorrow.
Dan: I thought those were due on Friday?
Mitch: Right, tomorrow.
Dan: But today is Wednesday.
Mitch: No, it’s…
Mitch realizes Dan’s right
Mitch: All day I keep thinking it’s Thursday. Doesn’t it feel like a Thursday…?
STOP.
A man in a business suit steps in front of the camera.
“No one cares that you think it’s the wrong day. It is also not a communal delusion that everyone is experiencing, so don’t try and force people to tell you it feels like the wrong day to them as well. This is a You problem.”
*This has been a public service announcement by the Department of Labor
Fade back to Palm Springs Convention Center
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the last match of the show…
Philip Blauer: My God, is there more to this thing? I just told Dorothy I was running out for a pack of her Virginia Slims.
Guillermo O’Bannon: She still smokes??
Philip Blauer: Like a chimney. We’ve lost three beds that way.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our last match of the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is between four time Hardkore World Champion Syberus and former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar.
"Cayenne" from Final Fantasy 6 plays and the Palm Springs fans boo. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar walks to the ring.
Philip Blauer: Haunting music. Now I remember this gent. He’s a karateperson, correct?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He was a once a ninja in the Order of the Phoenix in Japan.
Philip Blauer: (confused) What did I say?
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke Cyan Komar has been in Hardkore World since 1994. He is a former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion, 4 time Hardkore America Tag Team, 4 time Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Champion, Hardkore World West Coast Champion, and Hardkore World Tag Team Champion as well as holding the tag titles in GWA and NWC.
Philip Blauer: Gadzooks, what happened to his face there?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, that happened recently in a match with a man named Breakdown. It seems to have been from an overenthusiastic fish hook manuever that ripped open his left cheek. As you see, it’s left a scar from the corner of his mouth that goes nearly to his ear and pulls that side of his face into a constant sneer.
Philip Blauer: (shudders) Can’t he get it fixed?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We already made the action figure so…
Philip Blauer: (hands up) Say no more. Now, I’m going to check my bifocals, but does he also have a ponytail with a lead ball at the end?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He does indeed.
Philip Blauer: Well I’ll be.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar is a nearly 30 year veteran who is tougher than anyone in that locker room.
Philip Blauer: The backstage stories are endless. Just search, ‘Cyan Komar, bar eyeball removal’ or whatever. (chuckles) It’s absolutely revolting!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar without his late manager “The Brain” Allen Anderson who passed away years ago.
Philip Blauer: Very sad. I remember where I was when I heard the news that he passed. On the 13th hole, making a long distance putt. I couldn’t believe the World had lost such a genius. I thought he was amazing in Little Miss Sunshine…
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Alan Arkin, and he’s still alive.
Philip Blauer: I hate to inform you he passes away in the end of the picture.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is part of the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Hong Kong; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; The Warhammer Corporation's Security Specialist, The Master of Disguise…’DEATHSTRYKE’ CYAN KOMAR!!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo as Cyan Komar is emotionless. Then the lights cut and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens.
"Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd jumps to their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage.
Guilermo O’Bannon: And there he is, the four time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, the two time Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion, The Great Syberus! After a long layoff, a couple of years ago, he teamed with Jonnie Valentine to form The New Stylistics and win the Anzar Cup in Australia for SWAT. The New Stylistics recently worked in Louisiana as well for Next Level Wrestling.
The crowd chants “SYBERUS! SYBERUS! SYBERUS!” Syb takes a brief look around at the crowd before heading down the ramp
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like Cyan Komar, he is wrestling his first singles match in a while and looking to advance in the tournament to become a five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
Once up the ring steps, Syberus wipes his feet on the apron before stopping through the ropes. He circles the ring for a second before hopping up in one corner and raising both fists in the air
Guilermo O’Bannon: You can see by the look on his face he is excited to be back in Hardkore World.
Philip Blauer: Is that excited? It seems smug.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think it’s a little of both.
Philip Blauer: Ah yes, smugcited. Like when fajitas are headed your way.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus says he’s honored to be in the rare position of being the less experienced wrestler in that ring, taking on the nearly 30 year veteran, Cyan Komar. But make no mistake, the most dangerous place in the world is between Syberus and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship, so that respect won’t get Komar very far.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, hailing from Manchester, England; Standing 6 feet tall and Weighing 220 pounds; A Four Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, 110%, THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
The fans let out a huge babyface pop for The Great Syberus as he raises his hands in the air.
Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament Match
"Deathstryke" Cyan Komar vs. The Great Syberus
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell as Cyan Komar and Syberus circle one another. They lock up into a collar and elbow tie up. The veterans try to position one another around the ring
Guilermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar grabs a headlock. He locks his hands together and clamps down on the side of Syberus’ head.
The Great Syberus slips his head out and goes over the top with a headlock of his own. Tommy Milligan checks in, but Komar shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus takes him over into a side headlock takedown. He gets a good grip and presses Komar’s shoulders into the mat.
1…
Cyan Komar takes him down with a leglock
1…
Syberus rolls his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus grabs another headlock. He torques Komar’s head, but Cyan backs him into a corner and then gets the advantage back with a side headlock.
The Palm Springs Convention Center boos Komar’s headlock. Syberus pulls back on the lead ball on the end of Komar’s ponytail, but Tommy Milligan begins counting until he lets go of the hair pull
Guilermo O’Bannon: Komar maintains the headlock, and then drives Syberus’ head into the mat!
The jeers get louder. Syberus gets to his knees but gets cut off with a shining wizard kick by Cyan Komar!
Guilermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar takes Syberus over in a fireman’s carry. Syberus gets to his feet only to get taken over in another fireman’s carry.
Syberus can barely stand before he flipped into a third fireman’s carry. Syberus stops a fourth by catching him with a snapmare. He catches Komar getting up with an armdrag
Guilermo O’Bannon: Syberus gets Komar with another deep armdrag. He tosses Cyan Komar across the ring with a hiptoss.
Cyan Komar sits up with his back arched in pain. Syberus pulls him up by the ponytail, but Komar comes up swinging with an open palm strike to his nose! The audience jeers as Syberus back peddles, blinded by tears
Philip Blauer: Syberus already moved to tears by the return of Hardkore World. Warms the cockles of your heart.
Guilermo O’Bannon: I think that has more to do with having his nose just mashed by that open palm strike by Cyan Komar.
Philip Blauer: Well, my cockles are still nice and toasty.
Guilermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar follows him into the corner and applies a claw.
The Palm Springs fans boo as Komar presses his fingers into Syberus’ temples as the four time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion cries out in anguish. Tommy Milligan tells Komar to get him out of the corner and begins counting
Guilermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar has Syberus down on one knee, punishing him with that claw. He finally listens to referee Tommy Milligan and pulls Syberus to his feet, but Syberus rips at his eyes, raking them with his fingernails.
The Great Syberus smashes Komar’s face into the turnbuckles. He grabs Komar’s ponytail and smashes his face into the buckle, a second and more forceful time. Syberus begins choking Komar on the second rope
Guilermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus sticks his knee into the back of Komar’s head, choking him on the middle rope. He backs up and runs into the ropes, jumping on Komar’s back, jamming his throat into the second rope.
Cyan Komar rolls around the mat, clutching his throat, trying to cough his way to a new breath. Syberus grabs a front facelock. Komar tries to get to his feet, but Syberus holds him down in the front headlock
Guilermo O’Bannon: Syberus trying to cut off Komar’s air some more after that knee to the back that put so much pressure on his windpipe. But Cyan Komar gets to his feet and back drops Syberus up and over.
Syberus gets up but walks right into a crescent kick! Komar does some martial arts kata motions as the fans jeer. He motions for Syberus to get up
Guilermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar spears Syberus and hangs onto him into a spinebuster!! Bull Rush!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Syberus kicks out
Guilermo O’Bannon: Syberus struggles to get to his feet and Komar comes off the ropes with an ax kick to the back of his head!
Komar does some more martial arts maneuvers to goad the crowd, and then pulls Syberus to his feet. He shoots him into the ropes and then catches him with a tiltawhirl sidewalk slam!!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Syberus kicks out
Guilermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar climbs to the top turnbuckle and leaps off with a knife edge thrust to Syberus’ throat!
The Palm Springs Convention Center boos while Syberus rolls around clutching his throat. Cyan Komar crawls over to him and applies the claw again.
Guilermo O’Bannon: With his left hand braced over his right wrist, “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar uses that leverage to grip Syberus’ head and skull with that claw. He presses Syberus down until his shoulders are on the mat.
...ONE!
...Syberus gets his shoulder up
Syberus tries to sit up, but Cyan Komar has that claw locked in, and pushes him back down until he’s prone on the mat
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Syberus gets his shoulder up
Syberus reaches out and grabs the bottom rope. Tommy Milligan gives Cyan Komar until the count of five to break the claw, which he does with a sneer towards the official
Guilermo O’Bannon: Komar irish whips Syberus into the ropes, but Syberus hangs on, and Komar goes up for a dropkick with no one there! Syberus grabs his legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf!
The jeers turn to cheers as Syberus plants his feet and rocks back with Komar’s crossed legs. Tommy Milligan checks in but Komar shakes his head, refusing to give up
Guilermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus trying to bend Komar in half with that cloverleaf. He even lets his feet out, to crank back on those legs even further.
Philip Blauer: Incredible that these men are enduring this, and for what? For whom? It behooves us to ponder such a thing. Don’t you think?
Guilermo O’Bannon: No.
Philip Blauer: You’ve never answered the call of behoovement in your life.
Komar does a push up and is able to crawl over to the side of the ring until he is able to hook the bottom rope. The audience boos as Tommy Milligan tells Syberus he has to break the hold. Syberus then ties Komar’s arms up between the top and middle ropes
Guilermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus now bashing a helpless Cyan Komar between the eyes with those elbow strikes. He steps back and kicks Komar in the kneecap, and then again to the side of his knee.
Syberus pulls him out of the ropes by the arm and flips him over into an ippon seoi nage judo flip, and then hangs on with a cross armbar.
Guilermo O’Bannon: Syberus rows back on Komar’s arm, pressing Cyan’s head down with his legs. He pulls back on Komar’s wrist, trying to hyperextend the elbow.
Tommy Milligan asks Komar if he wants to tap out but he shakes his head. Komar is able to roll to his feet with Syberus hanging onto his arm, and he smashes him with knife edge strikes until Syberus releases the armbar. Then Komar punches him in the eye with one raised knuckle
Guilermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar with the Phoenix Eye Strike! Syberus gets to his feet, holding his eye, and Komar somersaults over him into a diamond cutter!!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Syberus kicks out
Komar motions for Syberus to get to his feet. When he does, Cyan Komar runs across the ring and hits him in the chest with a double palm heart strike! Syberus slides out of the ring and Komar tries to follow him, but Syberus lifts the ring apron to catch him in it
Philip Blauer: Oh, hoisted by his own petard.
Guilermo O’Bannon: How so?
Philip Blauer: Isn’t that dealey around the ring called a petard?
Guilermo O’Bannon: Syberus tattoos a trapped Komar with right hands to his eyebrow. He pulls him out of the ring apron, and positions Komar in front of the crowd. Syberus ties their legs up and snaps back into a russian legsweep into the railing!!
Hardkore Hall lets out a collective “OH!!” at the sound of the back of Komar’s skull hitting the steel. Syberus pulls him up by the ponytail and irish whips him into the corner post, but Komar hops up and pushes off of the ringpost with his foot into a roundhouse kick to Syberus!! The audience cheers loudly!
Philip Blauer: It appears the folks enjoyed that little ditty.
Guilermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar rolls back into the ring. He runs into the ropes and dives through the ropes, catching Syberus with a helicopter hurricanrana!!
The fans applaud as an exhausted Syberus and Cyan Komar lie on the floor. A small “Deathstryke! Deathstryke! Deathstryke!” chant begins amongst pockets of the Palm Springs fans. Komar slowly pulls himself up along the railing, and then rolls back into the ring. Syberus climbs onto the apron
Guilermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar catches him with a front thrust kick to the stomach, but Syberus hangs on the top rope so he doesn’t fall off the apron. He grabs onto Komar’s arm and drops down to the floor, wrenching Cyan’s arm across the top rope!
The Palm Springs Convention Center quietly boos and Syberus is taken aback. He slides down is kneepad and rolls back into the ring
Guilermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus Muscle Killer kneedrops the back of Cyan’s elbow!
Cyan flops on the mat like a fish out of water while holding his arm underneath him. Syberus grabs his hand and starts pulling back on Komar’s fingers, and the boos get louder. Tommy Milligan demands Syberus stop, threatening to disqualify him. Syberus break at five and then puts up his hands as he backs off, innocently
Philip Blauer: The Palm Springs citizenry seem to be turning on The Great Syberus a little here. He needs to announce a new dog park opening to get them back, and fast!
Guilermo O’Bannon: Syberus wraps up Komar’s aching arm in an ude garami lock. He presses down on Komar’s wrist, twisting the elbow up into the air.
Hardkore Hall boos as Komar grimaces in pain. Deathstryke tries to get to the ropes, while Syberus continues to torque his trapped arm. Syberus presses Komar’s shoulders to the mat
...ONE!
…Cyan Komar rolls his shoulder up
The Great Syberus releases the ude garami and makes another pin attempt, this time with his chest smothering Komar’s face.
...ONE!
...TWO!
...Cyan Komar kicks out
Guilermo O’Bannon: Syberus puts his knees on Komar’s chest, while pushing his forearm to Cyan’s face. He grinds that forearm into Komar’s nose and forehead, while not allowing him to get new air.
Philip Blauer: A veteran move as all of this is requiring Cyan Komar to expend a lot of energy late in this match.
The fans start chanting “SYBERUS SUCKS! SYBERUS SUCKS! SYBERUS SUCKS!” while Tommy Milligan tries to pull Syberus off of Komar. Syberus obliges, but then stands on Komar’s fingers while Milligan argues with him. The boos get louder and louder as Syberus pulls him up into another front facelock
Guilermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus goes for a swinging neckbreaker, but Komar rolls out of it and superkicks Syberus upside the head! Syberus doesn’t go down, so Komar runs and catches him with one foot with a corkscrew dropkick!
The audience comes to life as Komar He drops a knuckle down into Syberus’ voicebox with a fistdrop
Guilermo O’Bannon: A version of The Mute Strike! “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar climbs to the top turnbuckle and backflips into a moonsault double stomp to his chest!! Sternum Buster!
Syberus holds his ribs and kicks the balls of his feet into the mat in pain and frustration. The fans are now deafening as Komar starts feeding off their energy. He pulls Syberus up into a full nelson, but Syberus blocks a dragon suplex.
Guilermo O’Bannon: Syberus walks into the corner, while Cyan Komar hangs onto that full nelson, trying to regain control. Syberus tries to elbow his way out of it, but Komar is able to avoid them. Syberus steps up the turnbuckles and flips back with Komar still hanging onto the full nelson!
...ONE!
...TWO!
...THREE!
The Palm Springs audience boos as Syberus rolls backwards with both arms in the air.
"Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle plays as Komar remains on the mat, his forehead pushed into the mat in disappointment
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes, 9 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Guilermo O’Bannon: Syberus goes on to wrestle Tuxedo Mask in the semi-finals in San Diego next month, the winner of that match will face the winner of Alexander Von Blankenship vs. Kilroy Evans in the final at Palm Springs Punishment 2022!
Syberus whips his hair back and rolls out of the ring, walking up the ramp. Cyan Komar rolls to his feet, and is surprised when the Palm Springs fans begin giving him a loud ovation
Philip Blauer: And it appears the ugly fellow has gained a few supporters tonight.
Guilermo O’Bannon: These fans remember his exploits through the years, and seemed to be very impressed with his arsenal tonight.
Some fans start chanting “ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN!” while Cyan Komar nods and points to the sky
Guilermo O’Bannon: Love him or hate him, "The Brain" Allen Anderson was a huge part of Hardkore World and the fans seem to miss him.
Philip Blauer: I see. And wasn’t he the gentleman who tried to use helicopters and hypodermic needles to win matches?
Guilermo O’Bannon: You gotta love his passion, Phil!
Syberus staggers through the curtain and Cyan Komar rolls through the ropes to the floor below
Guilermo O’Bannon: Join us in San Diego on our next show where we will have Alexander Von Blankenship vs. Kilroy Evans and Tuxedo Mask vs, The Great Syberus along with other great action. We hope you’ve enjoyed Hardkore World’s return and will follow our journey back to greatness
Philip Blauer: And if not, not to worry, sources say we’re going to be doing some house cleaning in the commentary booth soon.
Guilermo O’Bannon: What?
Philip Blauer: I’m a 1997 and 1999 (non-consecutive) Desert News Hawk Award Winner, my instincts are never wrong.
