NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE FELT A SMALL PRICK [CBB]
May 17, 2022 10:45:14 GMT -5
Robbie A, Dylan, and 2 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on May 17, 2022 10:45:14 GMT -5
INT. THE FOXTROT OSCAR HOSPITAL - DAY
OVER BLACK
TITLE: JFCB
EDMONDS and BLOBBY are sat in the waiting room of the HOSPITAL
EDMONDS looks at BLOBBY who has fixed a comedy moustache to his face.
BLOBBY audibly sighs.
A DOCTOR walks into shot.
INT. THE FOXTROT OSCAR HOSPITAL - DAY
THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS sit down.
EDMONDS palms off money to the DOCTOR.
The DOCTOR looks confused.
The DOCTOR pockets the money as if to brush the whole debacle under the table.
The DOCTOR pulls down a chart. At the top is a Rat, at the bottom is Mongo.
THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS’ mouths drop to the floor.
(BEAT)
The DOCTOR inserts the needle into EDMONDS’ arm. A whoosh of screams escape the wound as the blood goes into the chamber.
The DOCTOR puts some of EDMONDS’ blood onto a glass slide and puts it under the microscope.
POV. MICROSCOPE
We see that EDMONDS’ blood is active. A zoom-in reveals that tiny, microscopic humans are seen to be running as if trying to escape the blood cells.
BACK TO REGULAR VIEW
The DOCTOR raises a very arched eyebrow at this revelation.
BLOBBY explodes towards the DOCTOR. EDMONDS just about holds him back.
The DOCTOR jabs the arm of BLOBBY, he whimpers a little.
The DOCTOR places the blood slide under the microscope.
BLOBBY’s blood is comprised of millions of BLOBBY tadpoles.
The DOCTOR rockets back from his microscope.
The DOCTOR nods.
INT. EDMONDS’ CAR - DAY
BLOBBY holds up a magnum of lube and an industrial pack of blue roll.
The car starts and in the back, the ghost of FRITZ VON ERICH appears.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: JFCB
EDMONDS and BLOBBY are sat in the waiting room of the HOSPITAL
NOEL EDMONDS
This is just a formality, Blobby, just relax. BB Gunn just wants to make sure we’re clear before entering a First Blood match.
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!!
NOEL EDMONDS
I agree, I think it’s a stipulation purely for titilation too. We deserve better, we’re former XHF Champions and what's it get us? A match with no build against an advert for HGH and the most decorated AV Club member of all-time! The Academy versus The Crinkly Bottom Boys doesn’t need a stipulation and, if we’re being honest, we bring more star power in this match than the main-event!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!
NOEL EDMONDS (CON'TD)
We’ve got to be on top of our game this time out though….
EDMONDS looks at BLOBBY who has fixed a comedy moustache to his face.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT'D)
That means aiming higher than Blob Arnold jokes…
BLOBBY audibly sighs.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT'D)
We’ve got to come at them and show NLW why we are the premier tag-team on their books. Let’s be honest, we need the money that holding titles brings. You’ve got mouths to feed and I’ve got a lawsuit on the horizon…
MR BLOBBY
BLO?
NOEL EDMONDS
Don’t say anything but it’s going to come out that I was the one leaking stories about Colleen Rooney!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!!!
NOEL EDMONDS
Well…Wayne Rooney wants to include me in his WhatsApp group then that’s on him!
A DOCTOR walks into shot.
DOCTOR
This way, please, gentlemen…
DOCTOR
Take a seat, please.
DOCTOR
Now, we’re just going to test for any blood-based pathogens today, all very simple and straight-forward. Although, as a medical professional, I would advise that you reconsider your involvement in the match…
NOEL EDMONDS
That’s not going to happen. Blobby has been wandering around the house claiming to be Terry Funk…
DOCTOR
Well, the other thing I need to point out is that if you have any substances in your blood, it’s best to declare them now and we’ll exclude checking for them.
A thousand grains of sherbert fall from BLOBBY’s hand. EDMONDS takes control.
NOEL EDMONDS
Tell you what, you take this…
EDMONDS palms off money to the DOCTOR.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
And we’ll forget all about what you just saw.
The DOCTOR looks confused.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
My money don’t jiggle, jiggle - it folds…
DOCTOR
We run a tight-ship here. The XHF Network send all of their employees here for these tests and henceforth we have developed a scale.
The DOCTOR pulls down a chart. At the top is a Rat, at the bottom is Mongo.
DOCTOR
Here we have the XHF scale, the top record for infected blood was Rat Bastard….
NOEL EDMONDS
Worse than Jabroni?
DOCTOR
Worse than the Bear after he’d eaten Redmond Fury!
THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS’ mouths drop to the floor.
DOCTOR
Now, your opponents have the all-clear, they were almost at Mongo levels.
NOEL EDMONDS
How does Mongo have the cleanest blood?
DOCTOR
We have our theories. Some say it’s because he harvests the souls of all the companies the XHF Network have consumed. I personally think it’s because he does no work and makes no effort to even hide it.
NOEL EDMONDS
Makes sense.
DOCTOR
So, you presumably know the dangers of the match?
NOEL EDMONDS
We’ve been in far worse. We beat The Bang Bros in a match so brutal and violent that the Network had to get sponsorship for it…
DOCTOR
From Steve Awesome’s movie…
NOEL EDMONDS
Granted, it’s a little unconventional but still. We took down Donzig-Gun in the only match they’ve ever been entertaining in!
DOCTOR
That is true, we call any sedatives ‘the Donzigs’ makes people know what they’re in for.
NOEL EDMONDS
We even took down the Ritual! You want crazy? That’s my ex-wife. You want psychotic? That’s also my ex-wife but Natasha is up there with the best of them! Point is that The Academy are great and everything but we’ve beaten The End, we’ve seen what the Titled Cartridges can do and let me tell you this - none of those teams have anything we don’t! We’re up there with the likes of The Jumping Kangaroos and The Interns!
DOCTOR
Why the Memphis focus?
(BEAT)
NOEL EDMONDS
Have you seen our schtick?
DOCTOR
Touché.
NOEL EDMONDS
The Academy need to be worried, we’re like Magpies when it comes to gold.
DOCTOR
Magpies like gold, what you said was superfluous.
NOEL EDMONDS
We’re the epitome of superfluous! We’re going into the match knowing that it play to our strengths. Sure, Blobby can wrestle but I’m at my most dangerous when I don’t have to rely on a headlock or a body-scissors…
MR BLOBBY
BLOB…BLOB…
NOEL EDMONDS (outraged)
I DO so know what they are! But I won’t need them. I’m looking to take the NLW Tag Team titles using only my ability in garbage wrestling. I made countless decade of garbage television so it was only natural that my wrestling style resembled it!
DOCTOR (checking off something on a clipboard)
Then you’re all set. Noel, if you wouldn’t mind rolling up your sleeve, first.
The DOCTOR inserts the needle into EDMONDS’ arm. A whoosh of screams escape the wound as the blood goes into the chamber.
NOEL EDMONDS (sheepishly)
It always does that, don’t worry.
POV. MICROSCOPE
We see that EDMONDS’ blood is active. A zoom-in reveals that tiny, microscopic humans are seen to be running as if trying to escape the blood cells.
BACK TO REGULAR VIEW
DOCTOR
Mr. Edmonds, I have to say this is unusual. I don’t think I’ve seen anything like it. Do you have an underlying health issue?
NOEL EDMONDS
It’s quite simple really. All the people who go home with nothing on Deal or No Deal? They didn’t really go home. I used their husks to power me through. You think a seventy-plus year-old should be wrestling? Never. However, these little buggers - they keep me going.
The DOCTOR raises a very arched eyebrow at this revelation.
DOCTOR
Quite, now I can’t see any obvious signs of disease but I’ll send the rest of the sample off to get a more rigorous test. You can relax, Noel, it shouldn’t be anything that you don’t know. Mr Blobby, if you could just remove your costume.
BLOBBY explodes towards the DOCTOR. EDMONDS just about holds him back.
NOEL EDMONDS
IT ISN’T A SUIT!!
DOCTOR
So, he’s just naked all the time and no-one says a word?
NOEL EDMONDS
HE HAS A BOW-TIE!!!
DOCTOR
Fine, my apologies. Mr. Blobby, I’ll try not to cause you any pain. Hold still.
The DOCTOR jabs the arm of BLOBBY, he whimpers a little.
NOEL EDMONDS
He’s afraid of needles…and he won’t admit it but Lorde too.
DOCTOR
But no-one has seen or heard from her in years.
NOEL EDMONDS
I tell him this but he thinks that makes her more dangerous. He can’t even remember what she looks like. Which reminds me, apologise to your receptionist. He interrogates all new females the same way.
DOCTOR (taken aback)
Noted.
The DOCTOR places the blood slide under the microscope.
BLOBBY’s blood is comprised of millions of BLOBBY tadpoles.
The DOCTOR rockets back from his microscope.
NOEL EDMONDS
Want an explanation?
The DOCTOR nods.
NOEL EDMONDS (CONT’D)
It’s simple, really. To make one Blobby, you need thousands of them to form the BLOBBY pupae. From there they become Baby Blobby’s and then you get the man before you today. Want to know why he’s always on his shagging holidays? It’s because that’s how much work goes into making one Blobby.
DOCTOR (still shocked)
Quite…well, I’ll send these samples for results but you two can go about your day.
NOEL EDMONDS
Thank you.
INT. EDMONDS’ CAR - DAY
NOEL EDMONDS
You see, Blobby, nothing to worry about. You can get back and start your binge-a-thon of Manami Toyota matches. You got everything you need?
BLOBBY holds up a magnum of lube and an industrial pack of blue roll.
NOEL EDMONDS
Then let’s go.
The car starts and in the back, the ghost of FRITZ VON ERICH appears.
FRITZ VON ERICH
Did you kill The Jamrockers?
NOEL EDMONDS
No, Fritz. That’s later.
FRITZ VON ERICH
It’s called wrestling! What they do? Gymnastics. You know I told Gino Hernandez once that he shouldn’t even leapfrog. Leapfrog is a game for children, he was a scientific genius in the ring.
NOEL EDMONDS
What about The Great Kabuki?
FRITZ VON ERICH
That was the last straw! Gary Hart bringing him in took away from my boys! Nearly gave me a heart attack!
NOEL EDMONDS
Quite.
