Post by Dave D-Flipz on May 22, 2022 0:44:32 GMT -5
"WHAT THE BLOODY CHUNDER IS THIS BROWN-EYED MULLET!?"
*We open up inside a hotel room. We are clearly in a less than pleasant area of Sao Luis, Brazil judging by the neighborhood out the window, full of road signs in Portuguese declaring the town, buildings crunched together with dim, dingy light from the streetlamps. A commotion abounds as someone is making a whole ruckus and a half over something. A boomerang comes into scene and slams into the TV showering the floor with sparks and glass shards.*
Tucker: And that’s how ya end up in the clink, Merric.
*Aiden fumes into the view of the camera that Tucker has clearly set up to record his promotional material for Reign. We are a short ways away from Festa Toda a Noite em Sao Luis, and Aiden is clearly just learning of his challenge. He is angrier than a nest full of hornets.*
Merric: Tucker … does it LOOK LIKE I give a toss about this shitty hostel room? Some mappa tassie over in the REIGN offices is grinning like a shot fox because they found a way to get all FOUR people in this main event to spit the dummy over this scenario!
Tucker: Uh … I missed one or two of the slang terms there Aiden. I really ought ta bring a handy guidebook or something…
Merric: SHUT YER YAP, BERNARD! I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that someone decided to play two up and fuck around with the card fer MY show.
*Aiden storms around the room, animatedly gesturing with anger at every object in the room with every word he spits. Tucker steps into the scene and sits on the bed, glancing at the computer that Aiden had apparently been looking at. The Hagrid-looking friend of our favorite Aussie wrestler clicks his tongue in disapproval*
Tucker: Someone in that office has been a fool of a Took.
*Aiden ignores the incorrect pop culture reference from the wrong fictional work of literature and kicks over a chair, sending cockroaches and a few rats scrambling away from the impact site and under the bed. Tucker hoists his legs away from the floor and strokes his beard.*
Merric: I ain’t thinkin’ ya understand me, Tucker. This is an injustice. How DARE they make me work with that self-serving, double-dealing, figjam dipstick!? Donzig … there’s every chance when I carry him to victory, I’ll be helping him keep his own plates! The bastard … THOSE PLATES SHOULD BE MINE! I deserve those trophies. He stops me at every turn. And I ain’t about to lay down just to fuck him over either. I got too much pride and honor fer that.
*Tucker’s eyebrow raises involuntarily in a quizzical manner*
Tucker: Honor?
Merric: WHEN IT COMES TO MYSELF!
Tucker: AHH! Yes yes ok, that jives more with what I be seeing from ya. Ok, so what’s the big deal. All ya gotta do, according to this, is as a team win two falls of three. And the winner of the second fall gets the plates! So just beat the piss out of the opponents, ignoring who gets the first win. Then when it’s time for the final pin, just punch Donzig’s lights out.
Merric: As if he wouldn’t do that first. After all, HE has a pair of heavies and a mongrel dog to come out and take me out from behind AND help win the match. He ain’t even gotta wait. And it’s not like I can trust him to just play nice, he already thinks he’s better than me. Furthermore, what’s to stop him from just taking me out right up front? One of our opponents is comatose, drunk, and crippled.
*Aiden points to the screen of his computer as he plays the clip from the rumble of Zoran gutting Steve Awesome five times over and dumping him through a mountain of booze to the floor.*
Merric: Do ya really be thinking that Mr. Awesome is going to be getting back up from that? After he milked the last injury? He’s probably out hiring a ghost writer to pen his memoirs about the evil Sainovic. I won’t hear any lip about that gem of a man!
*Tucker again looks at him cockeyed*
Tucker: How much DID he pay you to keep Awesome in the ring?
*Aiden’s rage subsides momentarily as his face gives off the look of someone imagining being Scrooge McDuck diving into a mountain of gold coins.*
Merric: Let’s just say fer that little task, and what he paid me … biblical scholars will be rewriting the analysis of the gospel to mention how cheap Judas really was. And I COMPLETED the contract. And then he STILL managed to eliminate me from the match! That bloody drongo, somehow thighslapped his way to ruining my night. Zoran woulda let me have the trophy. I was actually WORTHY of it. Not like the other pissbags in the ring. Bloodied Fox, Seth Dillinger … we all know I was the REAL MVP of AWF.
Tucker: Erin would disagree.
*Aiden cocks an eyebrow.*
Merric: Not after this latest gift. It’s rare I come into so much money so I went and did something nice for her and her kid. Let it never be said Aiden Merric is not a man of the people … whom he actually likes. Small list really …
Tucker: Gonna give it to her in person? After this month’s slate of REIGN and Tapout shows?
Merric: Indeed! But stop distracting me from the task at hand. Steve Awesome needs to crawl his crippled ass to the ring so I can exact my revenge by draining the REST of his blood … and selling it on ebay. Then we get him sent to the back fer being too injured to fight, and Donzig now has no easy out. He calls in the troops in a two on one and everyone will question his work ethic. Call his victory cheap. You know how he hates that. We brutalize Steve and force him to play nice. Then … I take his head off at the last and pin … *he spits on the bed* Rat Fucking Bastard.
*Tucker hands up a Bastard Brew, Aiden takes it, cracks it open, and shotguns it without even thinking*
Merric: Despite the little respect we have fer each other since I been shilling his amber fluid fer a year now … he still disgusts me. I ain’t forgotten the way that he disrespected my Phoenix title reign. Trying to take my trophy from me. Forcing me to embarrass myself on the plane!
*Tucker involuntarily shudders remembering the sheer amount of stinky bodily fluid in the seat next to him since Rat Bastard had claimed the only airline bathroom amid a dual bout of salmonella poisoning.*
Tucker: SO … MUCH … POO …
*Aiden slams his hands on the desk, getting shards of glass in them, which he ignores*
Merric: I AIN’T FORGIVEN THAT PIKER FER BEFOULING MY FAVORITE DUNGAREES! No no, Rat Bastard avoided me at the rumble. But he ain’t getting away this time. I will have my plates. And I will do it in the most vicious way possible. Rat Bastard and Steve Awesome know they can’t beat me. Not in a match like this. They’ve both failed. But this Donzig quirk … give me him one on one and this time I will END him, but no. No this company decides to try and make us … play nice. AIDEN MERRIC DON’T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT PLAYING NICE! I will gut Steve Awesome like a wild boar fer sausage. I will cut apart Donzig so his mask will be necessary to hide his scars in public from the fear of children. And Rat Bastard, I will bathe the grime off of him in Steve and Donzig’s blood. They will all understand that this was necessary. I’m giving Reign the full Brazilian treatment. Removing all the intrusive unattractive bits, and letting the world see what it WANTS to see.
Tucker: That’s not a metaphor I expected to have to mentally imagine side by side with the imagery of you hunting these bastards.
*Aiden slams his fist down in rage*
Merric: AND I AIN’T NEVER EXPECTED TO HAVE TO SHARE THE RING WITH THREE MEN I DESPISE … but here we are. I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked I have to navigate this insane match stipulation with these three asses. After all, what is Brazil known for if not it’s overinflated …
Tucker: MERRIC!
Merric: Oh piss off with yer politeness ya mangy Brit. I’m removing the offensive beasts from my prizes … and since I ain’t got any WAX fer this Brazilian …
*We fade as he licks a massive hunting blade*