Hostile Tuna Report

[Cliff Clinton?]

THE TUNA REPORT

by Tuna Meltzer

First and foremost, I’d like to start this Tuna Report off with a formal complaint.

How utter DARE the NLW staff book me in such filth.

Such dribble.

As a

sOuNdStAgE sTrEeT fIgHt

Bah!

I didn’t make my career as a journalist judging Xtreme Hardcore low brow garbage.

I’ve spent long hard lonely nights judging, nitpicking, and telling everyone exactly how they should think and feel about REAL WRESTLING.

The complete audacity of it.

To place me in a situation where a loser like William Steen has the advantage. The sound stage.

Why not my world?

Where my weapons,

CARNIVOROUS WIT

AND

SERRATED EDGE LIKE OPINION

would leave any opponent left laying on the floor, cut and devoured by my sword of journalistic truth!

Yeah that’s right.

I’d like to see what would happen if I wrote a written piece and he wrote a written piece and we let people we’ve never physically met online judge them and tell us who is better,

I would TOTALLY win that!

but nevertheless,

I must step into the world of William Steen. A match where you can use weapons instead of holds, a situation where you bleed instead of sweat, a fight where you rage instead of think. I must enter this barbaric sound stage brawl, and do what I must to win.

Of course you may think that I don’t have what it takes to sink down to such a level. You may consider me a man of class, a man of dignity.

But I can also have a real tenacious side.

I can be a real villain.

Especially when it comes to backing up my opinion.

Especially when it comes to protecting my journalistic integrity.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

William Steen is a C- player in a Five Star world.

And I’m going to prove that to the world when I face him one on one in the opening match of Hostile Intent.

The problem with William Steen is that he lacks conviction.

He doesn’t know who he wants to be.

Is he a Hollywood star or is he a pro wrestler?

He isn’t very good at being either so it’s hard to tell.

He’s so busy trying to keep both of these floundering careers alive like spinning plates on a stick that he can’t tell that they are both two pathetic spins away from dropping and shattering on the stage below him at all times.

I saw your promo, and I wasn’t moved.

It’s like, I believe that you want to focus, that you want to do better, because I know as an athlete you should absolutely have that mentality.

I just didn’t really believe it when you said it William.

It came out cheap and canned.

It had no feeling.

Like someone in a stuffy cubicle wrote it in three seconds.

1.5 Stars.

But here is your chance to prove me wrong, Steen.

This is your chance to show the world who you are and what you are all about.

But I must warn you.

I have been judging professional wrestling since I could write words.

I have analyzed the very best wrestlers in the world so I know exactly what I need to do to take you out before you even know what hit you.

I have rated the legends of this sport.

And I damn well know that my extensive knowledge will be better than a c level movie star with his toe dipped in the water of pro wrestling.

If you thought it was embarrassing to be defeated by a man named Tuna before

just wait until I turn you into the CHICKEN of the SEA at Hostile Intent.

I’m going to ruin you William.

This will be your final bow.

The final curtain.

Your final movie credit.

“How William Steen was WASHED AWAY by Tuna Meltzer.”

And at Hostile Intent, I will beat and batter you with whatever I get my hands on to beat you. I will do whatever I have to William…

..I WILL

DRAG YOU…

KICKING

AND

SCREAMING

if that’s what I need to do…

Because at Hostile Intent you will have your final five star match

Courtesy of the five star man, Tuna Meltzer.

Steen,

At Hostile Intent

Mark my words

You will find out for sure what you’ve known all along..

That I know better than you

and you know it

Thanks for reading

~

Tuna Meltzer