Post by Dave D-Flipz on Jun 5, 2022 22:56:17 GMT -5
"I think I’m cursed."
*All eyes spin around, er, all heads spin around to point eyes at Death Trap sitting in the helicopter. That’s right, we join our plucky crew of tag team champions and adjacent personnel in a helicopter after the tragedy that was the finale of Fireside.*
"Awww, there there."
*His manager’s spritely teenage daughter pats him on the head. Sarah then giggles and plops back into her seat. Death Trap just drops his head into his hands.*
"We are the XHF Global Tag Team Champions. *she pats the belt on her waist* How in the world can you feel cursed?"
"Ever since MCCW shut down the first time, things really haven’t gone my way have they? Lost my belt right as the reload launched, then it shut down again as I rose back to the top. Went to help a friend in SWAT and ended up alone as everyone who would care got run out of the business by Armand and Soutter and Donzig. Then Donzig took me out. How embarrassing."
"That’s not even acknowledging you came to Fireside to support us and immediately the place burns down. There was also the whole incident at the zoo …"
"Chaos, I would much prefer if you kept your eyes on the horizon!"
*Chaos perks up and mouths, oh yeah, before turning around.*
"And now I’m on a helicopter to some cursed island to team with Donzig … who hates me, Rat Bastard … who hates me, Esmeralda von Krauss … who tried to kill me, and Blaze Freya. I have nothing ill to say of her. And somehow … my manager … a VETERINARIAN … has managed to get us a helicopter and is FLYING IT! And I am STRESSED THE FUCK OUT!"
*He leaps from his chair and lunges towards the door, but Sarah and Mistress Discipline tackle him and bind him into his chair with a backpack on him using a bunch of bungie cord tied around him.*
"Chaos, that is a good point however. How did you come about getting us this helicopter?"
*Chaos smiles and looks back at them for a minute after checking the horizon to make sure nothing bad could happen.*
"OH! I was training to get my pilot’s license to make the trip to the CAR events shorter now that we won’t be in Philadelphia, a few hours from North Carolina. When I passed … on simulator … I got myself booked for this!"
"Virtual Credentials y’all!"
*DT sighs then sinks into his chair … before his eyes bug out of his head.*
"SIMULATOR! Have you ever flown one of these in reality?!"
*She laughs as he hyperventilates.*
"I’ve gotten us this far, haven’t I? If I were you I’d be more worried about the dangers on that island! Zoran Sainovic, Jack Diamond, vampires, your own team, creatures of the night, ghost pirates, those nude pictures from the Fireside locker room getting hacked and released on reddit, and a crazy tournament to worry about!"
"What was that second to last one?"
"… ghost pirates?"
*DT stares at her quizzically then sits back.*
"Death Trap, why are you so worried? This is not the first time you have run in Call to Arms. This entire set up is made for a wrestler of your style. You are built for long events, your stamina is your defining defensive characteristic. In fact I think we should test your stamina more often … in other aspects of your life as well."
*The helicopter begins to bump in the air. Turbulence implies they are over the waters surrounding the horror of an island, Thessanora.*
"Stamina is all well and good. Sanity is my concern. You see what we’re dealing with in this event. I’m worried about just MAKING it to the event. Vampires, ghost pirates, some weird animal things in the forest, the ooze in the black lake. And then there’s EVK and her needles and Donzig and his … well Donzig-ness. Is he bringing the faction too? They might be pissed I guerilla tacticed them on the way into REIGN."
"Oh, honey, I’m sure they aren’t the type to hold grudges!"
*This time they all just stare at Chaos.*
"Well SOMEONE had to try and build his confidence. He’s being a mopey Mabel and it’s ruining my first experience flying a helicopter. Hey so, how do we feel about landing? I’m 0 for 20 in making safe landings that aren’t on fire in the simulator."
*DT hyperventilates into his hat again. Sarah again pats his head. She seems remarkably unfazed by all this.*
"Backpack!"
"Yes, I suppose it will have to be plan B then."
"What’s plan B?"
"Do you remember the airdrop scene in Deadpool 2?"
"The one where everyone but Deadpool and Domino DIED? I’m not the main character in this event, Chaos. And my luck is TERRIBLE!"
"But you’re hotter than Brad Pitt! … if you squint real hard and focus on those abs and ignore ... the hat-PREPARE FOR AIR DEATH TRAP!"
*They rustle DT over to the door as the helicopter slowly lowers and hovers over the grassy outcropping near the city. High enough for a parachute drop to work. They get him to the door as Chaos puts it into a still hover.*
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? AREN’T YOU MY FRIENDS!?"
"Chaos, please make note of the fear of heights. For future reference."
"HEIGHTS, HELICOPTERS DRIVEN BY CHAOS, CURSED ISLANDS, MONGO. This is all Mongo’s fault. MUTINY!"
*He is shoved out of the copter and they all lean out the door. As DT falls, he screams bloody murder, before getting into his zone. He shifts his body weight so he is falling slower then pulls the cord. Unfortunately instead of a parachute, out comes a paraglider, which DT has no control over. He yelps as he is tugged on the swirling winds around the island and goes sailing. He catches a few drafts of air and goes careening. Chaos quickly hops into the driver seat and pilots the copter around as DT gets over the beach and an updraft stops him from landing. He coasts up, up … then he pulls out one of the XHF issue daggers and slices himself free. And immediately regrets it.*
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuu-*THUD*"
*DT crashes into the sand back first, laying there like he were making a sand angel. MD and Sarah both wince. MD begins to walk into the copter as DT stares at the sky, trying to catch his breath.*
"TREMORS Y’ALL!"
*DT cocks an eyebrow. Sarah has leapt from the copter and is falling on a jet ski with a parachute. He then hears something … a rumbling … the sand shifts and he is pulled under the sand. If only he were as blessed as AVB this might not have happened.*
"OH NO! Chaos we need to go down there."
"I am not landing this thing. Safely. SARAH YOU GET BACK IN THIS HELICOPTER RIGHT NOW!"
*Sarah is skiing around in the water as MD begins to suit up to airdrop. When they hear a rumbling. The sand shifts and DT is launched into the air and lands on his stomach in the sand.*
"*groans* Uuuuuuuuuugh. I am ready to go home and watch the Mariners lose again …"
"*shouting from the copter as it lowers to pick up Sarah with a fishing net* How did you survive that?"
*DT pushes to his feet, stumbles, and looks around. He brushes the sand out of his clothing and dumps his shoes.*
"My hat landed on the tongue of the sandworm and it immediately wretched and spit me up."
*The helicopter begins to leave, towing Sarah and her jet ski in a giant net*
"I AM NOT A TUNA!"
*We rejoin Death Trap with his team in the Port City of Ozirwell. EVK and Donzig have just left a talk with some weird guy who may or may not be a vampire. Death Trap watches as the woman he knows as Esmeralda von Krauss saunters over to the bonfire and sits down near him.*
"Caia Ultia?"
"It is not a name you need concern yourself with, dahling."
"Fine. Fine. So you are familiar with all of this then?"
"Intimately. When you’ve been around as long as I have, you learn to take command of situations like this. *She looks at him* You are taking this information in with a surprising amount of calm."
*DT chuckles and bites into a cooked lizard he must have caught off screen. He winces, but swallows.*
"I’m an old hand at XHF. We have an army of wrestling animals, an owner who lost to a goat, a pig X*Crown champion, spacemen and future people. Why should a vampire lover for an immortal assassin be surprising? Plus ya know … all of … this."
*He vaguely gestures at the island.*
"Hmm. Very well said. I suppose I may have underestimated your state of mind. I was afraid when the hunter quit on us, we would lose a potent weapon against this island."
"He’d have gotten you killed."
"Yes, well, that is easier said than done. Why do you suddenly trust me?"
*DT laughs*
"I don’t. But this event is not one where betrayal befits us. I mean, you could look at it from the point of view of the opponents. We have a woman known for killing people with a needle for such slights as existing. A man who hates everyone. Including himself. ESPECIALLY himself. The leader of the first mutinous group in XHF history, known for backstabbing everyone. And then myself and Blaze. A selfish attention hog and a selfish attention hog with a hero complex. How CAN … they coexist?!"
"I suspect there is a ‘but’ to this diatribe?"
"But in this event … betrayal gets you nothing. It is a long haul series of matches. The more bodies we have, the better the advantage. It actually benefits none of us to let anyone get eliminated, since it handicaps us. Now Blaze and I are just ‘goody goody’ enough to get along no matter what, because we want to win. After all, winning this puts us in line to fight others, not our own team, in a one match play in to the X*Crown match at NOC. Only one of us gets to go if we don’t win. There is no benefit to hurting our team since we won’t fight each other. There is no benefit to risking losing everything just to stab us in the back. I know all five of us WANT that X*Crown. And that is enough to allow us to get along, for one night only."
"And if Donzig decides to use his minions instead of us to survive? Or I do? Why would you be safe?"
*DT stands up and holds his hands to the fire.*
"You don’t live as long as you do by being stupid. I know what you all bring to the table. And I also know that while you and Donzig are most likely to use your status and resources to screw us, Ratty and I are too well decorated for you to ignore. And Blaze has shown a resilience in fighting you before that shows she is just as much an asset. Look, you have two of the what … five? … people who have held that X*Crown twice. And we both know that of the five of us? I am the one most equipped to get us to the finish line. I got there once before. And I am the one of us with the stamina and endurance. And my style plays well against any opponent. Doesn’t matter how fast, agile, strong, big, etc you are. I can choke out anyone. And I will not stay down. And you, Esmeralda … know an asset when you see one."
*She takes a large drag from her Egyptian cigarette*
"Well played, dahling. Very well, we can play nice for this tournament."
*The ogre having been dispatched (see Vastrix’s RP for context to the previous section and this one), the team is sitting around the bonfire. DT is nursing his neck and head from the elbow from the troll. He tosses a bite of food into the air and a hand reaches out and grabs it before he can catch it.*
"Fancy this, two X*Crown champions, old guard, back at it again. Now what were the betting odds on Death Trap and Rat Bastard ever being on the same team?"
"Slim and none. What do you think of our chances?"
"Hah! Have you seen this crew? We all got an axe to grind. The five of us are the best threat to win it. After all, all eyes are on the Bang Bros after last year. The Icons big return, the Guardians ever-expanding roster of dicks and twats. And Zoran’s handpicked goon squad. But us? Nobody sees us winning it all. Team REIGN. Where’s the name notoriety?"
"Think people would notice that you and I are just as, if not more, decorated as Kanyon, Diamond, Barratt, and Zoran."
"There’s no fun in that though. They want the big, shiny, new things. The big attention grabbing headlines. Caffrey cacks it and walks his way into the ocean, suddenly Kanyon needs to get back that attention. A chance at the X*Crown, you know Adrien can’t just sit back and let it go by. And he ain’t trusting anyone but his friends after the last time."
"I warned him about Caffrey."
"Bitch, he probably warned HIMSELF about that, but just didn’t believe he could be so dumb TWICE in his life. You and him got a lot in common."
"I never said I trusted you, I just played my odds. Something you should be all too familiar with Ratty. You and I backing each other is our best chance to get a chance at that historic third X*Crown reign. And that greed? That I can rely on."
*Rat Bastard laughs and plops down next to DT.*
"So … you got a kid in the business, huh?"
"Yeah and you best watch out. Chip off the old block, he is. Kid’s probably the most talented guy in the match on that other squad. You’d do well to be careful against him."
*DT scoffs. He picks up his hat and places it back on his head*
"I’m careful around everyone. Old XHF trained me well. Too many backstabbings and injuries. Your kid has talent but he’s green. I’m not the guy he’s going to want to go toe to toe with. Not if he likes being able to breathe. And don’t sell Evan short. He did worm his way to an X*Crown. And thanks to Dylan, he managed to steal the Fireside tag titles from me and Mistress."
*Ratty’s eyes perk up. He slaps DT on the back*
"Well shiver my timbers! The old bag got himself a sidepiece! Good for you!"
"No, that’s her-"
"I knew there was something redeemable in you! Look at this, finally got the balls to use them for what they’re for! Soon you gonna have your own army of AVB’s of your own?"
"No Rat, we’re tag team part-"
"Haha we need to celebrate! An old bag AND a mistress. Got any more hiding? I heard you talking about a tag partner AND a veterinarian! And do I smell teenager perfume on you? You got a kid?"
"Sarah was putting on perfume in the helicop-"
"I’ll get some of my secret stash of Bastard Brew and we’ll toast to us winning this tournament for all the little … ugly ass guidos that are gonna be wearing shit ass hats soon enough!"
*Rat scampers off as DT sits there looking confused.*
"… Good talk. … … He stole my food."
"The thought of you reproducing disgusts me."
*DT cranes his head back to see Donzig standing over him with a scowl on his face. He tugs his beard and then storms off*
*Days have passed on the island. We cut to DT sitting in a cave. He is rocking back and forth in the fetal position. His beard is out of control. His hair is long and scraggly under his goofy hat. Like picture MatPat from the Heist with Markiplier video series. He snarls as he turns around. There standing near him are EVK, Donzig, and Rat. He looks around. They all look at him.*
"So, you like to plan. This field beyond this first round. There are some names you are familiar with."
"Oh. Like the man you hate? Or … one of them I suppose. Bloodied Fox?"
*Donzig scowls but doesn’t move*
"It was a brilliant move to get him on that team. Zoran is not a stupid man. I’ve heard all about his exploits since we last met up in the rumble in 2020. And I just spent the last day before arriving here watching all the old music videos of his! Fat, Eat It, Amish Paradise."
"Do … do you think Bloodied Fox is Weird Al?"
"Is he not? I thought he was. I mean they look the same."
"No they don’t."
*DT shrugs and catches a bug in his hand. He starts stroking it like a pet. EVK sits down near him.*
"Call it out of character, but I am worried about your mental health dahling. We shouldn’t have had you take the first watch and then never come back for you. We need you in fit shape to fight for us after all."
"BAH! Like we need him! I could have taken everyone on my own! I have Donzig-gun here after all."
*DT springs to his feet and gets right in Donzig’s hairy face. Donzig stares at him, stone faced, unmoved.*
"Oh really? Ok let’s unload this all Donzig. We get through Evan and Alex and the other three who I have never heard of. Let’s say we do that, because let’s be fair, Rat and I alone can outdo that entire team. We know for a fact Zoran is going to cheat his way into the next match. I mean, Goth can probably hold his own, but that other team is loaded. Cross Recoba. Can you answer to his Garibaldi’s Guillotine? Nobody escapes from that. A submission expert like me can figure out how to neutralize him. But can you? Cross is a decorated fighter and it took everything we had to finally put him and Fox down in the CTA 1 show. Which Justice, Mistress and I almost won."
"But… you didn’t."
"And do you know why? Jack Diamond. He and Hyperion were clinically insane. They tried to actually kill me. But that’s why YOU are here right? You can just neutralize someone that goes insane. Needle, bam, silence. Nonlethal of course, of course! And he brought back the icons. I Despite what you may think, they shouldn’t be taken lightly. Sure Jack and Bobby are gonna be rusty as fuck. And Jason Long is a perpetual choker in events like this. Hell I just beat him for his tag titles!"
"And Dylan?"
"What about him? He’s been slumping since losing his X*Crown to Adrien. And I’m pretty sure he only has one arm! Like just get Mongo to buy you a new prosthetic man! Fuck! How dense can you be? I think he gets off on the attention. They’d probably have been better off with his dad Viper in there."
*Donzig laughs*
"That oaf. He’s too busy with his new boyfriend."
"I don’t wanna talk about it, that is fucked up."
"Bobby Barratt got cancelled for making that kind of comment."
"Yeah it’s pride month man."
*DT looks at them*
"A) When have any of you three cared so much? And B) It’s not THAT. I’m all for people loving who they want. I’m a bleeding heart liberal … and I realize my choice of words was unfortunate around EVK and her needles. No I mean the guy he’s with. Too familiar for some reason. I feel like he crossed some lines. But STILL preferable to another tale from Maverick or Dylan about defiling a grave or losing a limb or murdering a family. Like how is Long even allowed to keep coming back. And claiming to be different people every time?"
"You’re off topic."
*DT waves her off and sits down*
"Look the big thing is the teams that will function like teams. The biggest threat isn’t Zoran’s team because he would backstab all of them for his own benefit at the drop of a hat. You have Adrien’s group sure. But Natalie and Danni are new additions. They don’t have the experience of working as well with the full team. Johnny may be the SCCW champ, but the team is only as strong as their weakest link. I don’t want to overlook Adrien and his crew, I like them. But I don’t see them having the killer instinct to take down the Bang Bros. That’s where the issue lies. FUCKING KANYON!"
"I’d rather not dahling. I have standards."
"No, no not like that. Kanyon is the one who will be the toughest. He’s at his peak insanity right now. Caffrey is gone, so he has to direct that energy somewhere else. He wants his titles back. And his team is a unit. They will support each other. Steve Awesome somehow survived Zoran eviscerating him. That’s balls tough. El Combatiente is a high flying spark plug. Spike is a literal demon from hell. And Kanyon is too driven to get a lame duck fifth man/woman. He will pull out all the stops. And no doubt he is after Boss Rush. They will cheat their way through the Icons and then try to make sure it is Kanyon and Zoran in the finals. It’s our duty to step up and stop Steve Awesome from winning his third CTA, stop Zoran from deciding his own challengers, and stop Kanyon from controlling the entire damn network! We are the forgotten, the unloved."
"What? I love me!"
"We are the underdogs, the dark horses! It’s our job to beat HardKore World. To survive the Boss Rush, and to take down the Bang Bros. And if another team gets through instead of them? Great! We dodged the toughest bullets!"
*He turns his back and rubs his hands, plotting how he’s going to become a three time X*Crown champ. A Hand on his shoulder gets his attention. It’s Blaze.*
"Where the bloody hell did you run off to! You’re supposed to be on guard! We thought you got killed."
"What? Donzig, EVK and Ratty are right there."
*DT points to two large stalagmites with faces painted in chalk. One has a beard and a scowl, the other has greasy hair made of sea kelp.*
"Uh … hon I think you may have Cabin Fever. You sure you are clear?"
"Wait then who was EVK?"
"Oh dahling, I’m just lonely."
*EVK morphs into a pirate ghost.*
"I just wanted to talk. Do you know how horrible it is being cursed here? You were chatting with me!"
"DT… you ok?"
"But we were strategizing! Donzig even said we should win because he loves himself!"
"Donzig hates EVERYONE! Including Donzig! ESPECIALLY DONZIG! Now come back to camp, we need to get you rehydrated."
"… where are my pants?"
"Was gonna ask you the same question…"
*Fade out*
*All eyes spin around, er, all heads spin around to point eyes at Death Trap sitting in the helicopter. That’s right, we join our plucky crew of tag team champions and adjacent personnel in a helicopter after the tragedy that was the finale of Fireside.*
"Awww, there there."
*His manager’s spritely teenage daughter pats him on the head. Sarah then giggles and plops back into her seat. Death Trap just drops his head into his hands.*
"We are the XHF Global Tag Team Champions. *she pats the belt on her waist* How in the world can you feel cursed?"
"Ever since MCCW shut down the first time, things really haven’t gone my way have they? Lost my belt right as the reload launched, then it shut down again as I rose back to the top. Went to help a friend in SWAT and ended up alone as everyone who would care got run out of the business by Armand and Soutter and Donzig. Then Donzig took me out. How embarrassing."
"That’s not even acknowledging you came to Fireside to support us and immediately the place burns down. There was also the whole incident at the zoo …"
"Chaos, I would much prefer if you kept your eyes on the horizon!"
*Chaos perks up and mouths, oh yeah, before turning around.*
"And now I’m on a helicopter to some cursed island to team with Donzig … who hates me, Rat Bastard … who hates me, Esmeralda von Krauss … who tried to kill me, and Blaze Freya. I have nothing ill to say of her. And somehow … my manager … a VETERINARIAN … has managed to get us a helicopter and is FLYING IT! And I am STRESSED THE FUCK OUT!"
*He leaps from his chair and lunges towards the door, but Sarah and Mistress Discipline tackle him and bind him into his chair with a backpack on him using a bunch of bungie cord tied around him.*
"Chaos, that is a good point however. How did you come about getting us this helicopter?"
*Chaos smiles and looks back at them for a minute after checking the horizon to make sure nothing bad could happen.*
"OH! I was training to get my pilot’s license to make the trip to the CAR events shorter now that we won’t be in Philadelphia, a few hours from North Carolina. When I passed … on simulator … I got myself booked for this!"
"Virtual Credentials y’all!"
*DT sighs then sinks into his chair … before his eyes bug out of his head.*
"SIMULATOR! Have you ever flown one of these in reality?!"
*She laughs as he hyperventilates.*
"I’ve gotten us this far, haven’t I? If I were you I’d be more worried about the dangers on that island! Zoran Sainovic, Jack Diamond, vampires, your own team, creatures of the night, ghost pirates, those nude pictures from the Fireside locker room getting hacked and released on reddit, and a crazy tournament to worry about!"
"What was that second to last one?"
"… ghost pirates?"
*DT stares at her quizzically then sits back.*
"Death Trap, why are you so worried? This is not the first time you have run in Call to Arms. This entire set up is made for a wrestler of your style. You are built for long events, your stamina is your defining defensive characteristic. In fact I think we should test your stamina more often … in other aspects of your life as well."
*The helicopter begins to bump in the air. Turbulence implies they are over the waters surrounding the horror of an island, Thessanora.*
"Stamina is all well and good. Sanity is my concern. You see what we’re dealing with in this event. I’m worried about just MAKING it to the event. Vampires, ghost pirates, some weird animal things in the forest, the ooze in the black lake. And then there’s EVK and her needles and Donzig and his … well Donzig-ness. Is he bringing the faction too? They might be pissed I guerilla tacticed them on the way into REIGN."
"Oh, honey, I’m sure they aren’t the type to hold grudges!"
*This time they all just stare at Chaos.*
"Well SOMEONE had to try and build his confidence. He’s being a mopey Mabel and it’s ruining my first experience flying a helicopter. Hey so, how do we feel about landing? I’m 0 for 20 in making safe landings that aren’t on fire in the simulator."
*DT hyperventilates into his hat again. Sarah again pats his head. She seems remarkably unfazed by all this.*
"Backpack!"
"Yes, I suppose it will have to be plan B then."
"What’s plan B?"
"Do you remember the airdrop scene in Deadpool 2?"
"The one where everyone but Deadpool and Domino DIED? I’m not the main character in this event, Chaos. And my luck is TERRIBLE!"
"But you’re hotter than Brad Pitt! … if you squint real hard and focus on those abs and ignore ... the hat-PREPARE FOR AIR DEATH TRAP!"
*They rustle DT over to the door as the helicopter slowly lowers and hovers over the grassy outcropping near the city. High enough for a parachute drop to work. They get him to the door as Chaos puts it into a still hover.*
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? AREN’T YOU MY FRIENDS!?"
"Chaos, please make note of the fear of heights. For future reference."
"HEIGHTS, HELICOPTERS DRIVEN BY CHAOS, CURSED ISLANDS, MONGO. This is all Mongo’s fault. MUTINY!"
*He is shoved out of the copter and they all lean out the door. As DT falls, he screams bloody murder, before getting into his zone. He shifts his body weight so he is falling slower then pulls the cord. Unfortunately instead of a parachute, out comes a paraglider, which DT has no control over. He yelps as he is tugged on the swirling winds around the island and goes sailing. He catches a few drafts of air and goes careening. Chaos quickly hops into the driver seat and pilots the copter around as DT gets over the beach and an updraft stops him from landing. He coasts up, up … then he pulls out one of the XHF issue daggers and slices himself free. And immediately regrets it.*
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuu-*THUD*"
*DT crashes into the sand back first, laying there like he were making a sand angel. MD and Sarah both wince. MD begins to walk into the copter as DT stares at the sky, trying to catch his breath.*
"TREMORS Y’ALL!"
*DT cocks an eyebrow. Sarah has leapt from the copter and is falling on a jet ski with a parachute. He then hears something … a rumbling … the sand shifts and he is pulled under the sand. If only he were as blessed as AVB this might not have happened.*
"OH NO! Chaos we need to go down there."
"I am not landing this thing. Safely. SARAH YOU GET BACK IN THIS HELICOPTER RIGHT NOW!"
*Sarah is skiing around in the water as MD begins to suit up to airdrop. When they hear a rumbling. The sand shifts and DT is launched into the air and lands on his stomach in the sand.*
"*groans* Uuuuuuuuuugh. I am ready to go home and watch the Mariners lose again …"
"*shouting from the copter as it lowers to pick up Sarah with a fishing net* How did you survive that?"
*DT pushes to his feet, stumbles, and looks around. He brushes the sand out of his clothing and dumps his shoes.*
"My hat landed on the tongue of the sandworm and it immediately wretched and spit me up."
*The helicopter begins to leave, towing Sarah and her jet ski in a giant net*
"I AM NOT A TUNA!"
*We rejoin Death Trap with his team in the Port City of Ozirwell. EVK and Donzig have just left a talk with some weird guy who may or may not be a vampire. Death Trap watches as the woman he knows as Esmeralda von Krauss saunters over to the bonfire and sits down near him.*
"Caia Ultia?"
"It is not a name you need concern yourself with, dahling."
"Fine. Fine. So you are familiar with all of this then?"
"Intimately. When you’ve been around as long as I have, you learn to take command of situations like this. *She looks at him* You are taking this information in with a surprising amount of calm."
*DT chuckles and bites into a cooked lizard he must have caught off screen. He winces, but swallows.*
"I’m an old hand at XHF. We have an army of wrestling animals, an owner who lost to a goat, a pig X*Crown champion, spacemen and future people. Why should a vampire lover for an immortal assassin be surprising? Plus ya know … all of … this."
*He vaguely gestures at the island.*
"Hmm. Very well said. I suppose I may have underestimated your state of mind. I was afraid when the hunter quit on us, we would lose a potent weapon against this island."
"He’d have gotten you killed."
"Yes, well, that is easier said than done. Why do you suddenly trust me?"
*DT laughs*
"I don’t. But this event is not one where betrayal befits us. I mean, you could look at it from the point of view of the opponents. We have a woman known for killing people with a needle for such slights as existing. A man who hates everyone. Including himself. ESPECIALLY himself. The leader of the first mutinous group in XHF history, known for backstabbing everyone. And then myself and Blaze. A selfish attention hog and a selfish attention hog with a hero complex. How CAN … they coexist?!"
"I suspect there is a ‘but’ to this diatribe?"
"But in this event … betrayal gets you nothing. It is a long haul series of matches. The more bodies we have, the better the advantage. It actually benefits none of us to let anyone get eliminated, since it handicaps us. Now Blaze and I are just ‘goody goody’ enough to get along no matter what, because we want to win. After all, winning this puts us in line to fight others, not our own team, in a one match play in to the X*Crown match at NOC. Only one of us gets to go if we don’t win. There is no benefit to hurting our team since we won’t fight each other. There is no benefit to risking losing everything just to stab us in the back. I know all five of us WANT that X*Crown. And that is enough to allow us to get along, for one night only."
"And if Donzig decides to use his minions instead of us to survive? Or I do? Why would you be safe?"
*DT stands up and holds his hands to the fire.*
"You don’t live as long as you do by being stupid. I know what you all bring to the table. And I also know that while you and Donzig are most likely to use your status and resources to screw us, Ratty and I are too well decorated for you to ignore. And Blaze has shown a resilience in fighting you before that shows she is just as much an asset. Look, you have two of the what … five? … people who have held that X*Crown twice. And we both know that of the five of us? I am the one most equipped to get us to the finish line. I got there once before. And I am the one of us with the stamina and endurance. And my style plays well against any opponent. Doesn’t matter how fast, agile, strong, big, etc you are. I can choke out anyone. And I will not stay down. And you, Esmeralda … know an asset when you see one."
*She takes a large drag from her Egyptian cigarette*
"Well played, dahling. Very well, we can play nice for this tournament."
*The ogre having been dispatched (see Vastrix’s RP for context to the previous section and this one), the team is sitting around the bonfire. DT is nursing his neck and head from the elbow from the troll. He tosses a bite of food into the air and a hand reaches out and grabs it before he can catch it.*
"Fancy this, two X*Crown champions, old guard, back at it again. Now what were the betting odds on Death Trap and Rat Bastard ever being on the same team?"
"Slim and none. What do you think of our chances?"
"Hah! Have you seen this crew? We all got an axe to grind. The five of us are the best threat to win it. After all, all eyes are on the Bang Bros after last year. The Icons big return, the Guardians ever-expanding roster of dicks and twats. And Zoran’s handpicked goon squad. But us? Nobody sees us winning it all. Team REIGN. Where’s the name notoriety?"
"Think people would notice that you and I are just as, if not more, decorated as Kanyon, Diamond, Barratt, and Zoran."
"There’s no fun in that though. They want the big, shiny, new things. The big attention grabbing headlines. Caffrey cacks it and walks his way into the ocean, suddenly Kanyon needs to get back that attention. A chance at the X*Crown, you know Adrien can’t just sit back and let it go by. And he ain’t trusting anyone but his friends after the last time."
"I warned him about Caffrey."
"Bitch, he probably warned HIMSELF about that, but just didn’t believe he could be so dumb TWICE in his life. You and him got a lot in common."
"I never said I trusted you, I just played my odds. Something you should be all too familiar with Ratty. You and I backing each other is our best chance to get a chance at that historic third X*Crown reign. And that greed? That I can rely on."
*Rat Bastard laughs and plops down next to DT.*
"So … you got a kid in the business, huh?"
"Yeah and you best watch out. Chip off the old block, he is. Kid’s probably the most talented guy in the match on that other squad. You’d do well to be careful against him."
*DT scoffs. He picks up his hat and places it back on his head*
"I’m careful around everyone. Old XHF trained me well. Too many backstabbings and injuries. Your kid has talent but he’s green. I’m not the guy he’s going to want to go toe to toe with. Not if he likes being able to breathe. And don’t sell Evan short. He did worm his way to an X*Crown. And thanks to Dylan, he managed to steal the Fireside tag titles from me and Mistress."
*Ratty’s eyes perk up. He slaps DT on the back*
"Well shiver my timbers! The old bag got himself a sidepiece! Good for you!"
"No, that’s her-"
"I knew there was something redeemable in you! Look at this, finally got the balls to use them for what they’re for! Soon you gonna have your own army of AVB’s of your own?"
"No Rat, we’re tag team part-"
"Haha we need to celebrate! An old bag AND a mistress. Got any more hiding? I heard you talking about a tag partner AND a veterinarian! And do I smell teenager perfume on you? You got a kid?"
"Sarah was putting on perfume in the helicop-"
"I’ll get some of my secret stash of Bastard Brew and we’ll toast to us winning this tournament for all the little … ugly ass guidos that are gonna be wearing shit ass hats soon enough!"
*Rat scampers off as DT sits there looking confused.*
"… Good talk. … … He stole my food."
"The thought of you reproducing disgusts me."
*DT cranes his head back to see Donzig standing over him with a scowl on his face. He tugs his beard and then storms off*
*Days have passed on the island. We cut to DT sitting in a cave. He is rocking back and forth in the fetal position. His beard is out of control. His hair is long and scraggly under his goofy hat. Like picture MatPat from the Heist with Markiplier video series. He snarls as he turns around. There standing near him are EVK, Donzig, and Rat. He looks around. They all look at him.*
"So, you like to plan. This field beyond this first round. There are some names you are familiar with."
"Oh. Like the man you hate? Or … one of them I suppose. Bloodied Fox?"
*Donzig scowls but doesn’t move*
"It was a brilliant move to get him on that team. Zoran is not a stupid man. I’ve heard all about his exploits since we last met up in the rumble in 2020. And I just spent the last day before arriving here watching all the old music videos of his! Fat, Eat It, Amish Paradise."
"Do … do you think Bloodied Fox is Weird Al?"
"Is he not? I thought he was. I mean they look the same."
"No they don’t."
*DT shrugs and catches a bug in his hand. He starts stroking it like a pet. EVK sits down near him.*
"Call it out of character, but I am worried about your mental health dahling. We shouldn’t have had you take the first watch and then never come back for you. We need you in fit shape to fight for us after all."
"BAH! Like we need him! I could have taken everyone on my own! I have Donzig-gun here after all."
*DT springs to his feet and gets right in Donzig’s hairy face. Donzig stares at him, stone faced, unmoved.*
"Oh really? Ok let’s unload this all Donzig. We get through Evan and Alex and the other three who I have never heard of. Let’s say we do that, because let’s be fair, Rat and I alone can outdo that entire team. We know for a fact Zoran is going to cheat his way into the next match. I mean, Goth can probably hold his own, but that other team is loaded. Cross Recoba. Can you answer to his Garibaldi’s Guillotine? Nobody escapes from that. A submission expert like me can figure out how to neutralize him. But can you? Cross is a decorated fighter and it took everything we had to finally put him and Fox down in the CTA 1 show. Which Justice, Mistress and I almost won."
"But… you didn’t."
"And do you know why? Jack Diamond. He and Hyperion were clinically insane. They tried to actually kill me. But that’s why YOU are here right? You can just neutralize someone that goes insane. Needle, bam, silence. Nonlethal of course, of course! And he brought back the icons. I Despite what you may think, they shouldn’t be taken lightly. Sure Jack and Bobby are gonna be rusty as fuck. And Jason Long is a perpetual choker in events like this. Hell I just beat him for his tag titles!"
"And Dylan?"
"What about him? He’s been slumping since losing his X*Crown to Adrien. And I’m pretty sure he only has one arm! Like just get Mongo to buy you a new prosthetic man! Fuck! How dense can you be? I think he gets off on the attention. They’d probably have been better off with his dad Viper in there."
*Donzig laughs*
"That oaf. He’s too busy with his new boyfriend."
"I don’t wanna talk about it, that is fucked up."
"Bobby Barratt got cancelled for making that kind of comment."
"Yeah it’s pride month man."
*DT looks at them*
"A) When have any of you three cared so much? And B) It’s not THAT. I’m all for people loving who they want. I’m a bleeding heart liberal … and I realize my choice of words was unfortunate around EVK and her needles. No I mean the guy he’s with. Too familiar for some reason. I feel like he crossed some lines. But STILL preferable to another tale from Maverick or Dylan about defiling a grave or losing a limb or murdering a family. Like how is Long even allowed to keep coming back. And claiming to be different people every time?"
"You’re off topic."
*DT waves her off and sits down*
"Look the big thing is the teams that will function like teams. The biggest threat isn’t Zoran’s team because he would backstab all of them for his own benefit at the drop of a hat. You have Adrien’s group sure. But Natalie and Danni are new additions. They don’t have the experience of working as well with the full team. Johnny may be the SCCW champ, but the team is only as strong as their weakest link. I don’t want to overlook Adrien and his crew, I like them. But I don’t see them having the killer instinct to take down the Bang Bros. That’s where the issue lies. FUCKING KANYON!"
"I’d rather not dahling. I have standards."
"No, no not like that. Kanyon is the one who will be the toughest. He’s at his peak insanity right now. Caffrey is gone, so he has to direct that energy somewhere else. He wants his titles back. And his team is a unit. They will support each other. Steve Awesome somehow survived Zoran eviscerating him. That’s balls tough. El Combatiente is a high flying spark plug. Spike is a literal demon from hell. And Kanyon is too driven to get a lame duck fifth man/woman. He will pull out all the stops. And no doubt he is after Boss Rush. They will cheat their way through the Icons and then try to make sure it is Kanyon and Zoran in the finals. It’s our duty to step up and stop Steve Awesome from winning his third CTA, stop Zoran from deciding his own challengers, and stop Kanyon from controlling the entire damn network! We are the forgotten, the unloved."
"What? I love me!"
"We are the underdogs, the dark horses! It’s our job to beat HardKore World. To survive the Boss Rush, and to take down the Bang Bros. And if another team gets through instead of them? Great! We dodged the toughest bullets!"
*He turns his back and rubs his hands, plotting how he’s going to become a three time X*Crown champ. A Hand on his shoulder gets his attention. It’s Blaze.*
"Where the bloody hell did you run off to! You’re supposed to be on guard! We thought you got killed."
"What? Donzig, EVK and Ratty are right there."
*DT points to two large stalagmites with faces painted in chalk. One has a beard and a scowl, the other has greasy hair made of sea kelp.*
"Uh … hon I think you may have Cabin Fever. You sure you are clear?"
"Wait then who was EVK?"
"Oh dahling, I’m just lonely."
*EVK morphs into a pirate ghost.*
"I just wanted to talk. Do you know how horrible it is being cursed here? You were chatting with me!"
"DT… you ok?"
"But we were strategizing! Donzig even said we should win because he loves himself!"
"Donzig hates EVERYONE! Including Donzig! ESPECIALLY DONZIG! Now come back to camp, we need to get you rehydrated."
"… where are my pants?"
"Was gonna ask you the same question…"
*Fade out*
