.::XHF Presents: OH VIOLENT NIGHT II::.
Jun 30, 2022 22:38:58 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Steve Awesome, and 5 more like this
Post by Dylan on Jun 30, 2022 22:38:58 GMT -5
The XHF Presents: OH VIOLENT NIGHT 2 - A HOLLY, JOLLY BLOODBATH
Date: June 30th, 2022
2300 Arena, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Capacity: 2,000
Attendance: 400 (Masks Required)
Boom! Pow! Sound effect! Onomatopoeia! We get a big wide shot of the 2300 Arena as the camera flies all around, showing off the war games structure above the arena, the ladders and even going through a 3-D casket! Ooooooh! We settle in front of the announce desk.
Hawke: Welcome everyone to a very special night! A Violent Night!
Randy: Part two! Electric boogaloo!
Hawke: Actually, the tagline is "A Holly, Jolly Bloodbath." And it's gonna be a bloodbath tonight!
Randy: Things kick off with the big, bad WAR GAMES match! The Pillars and New Era came to blows at the last GUNS show and tonight? They get locked up in the cages!
Hawke: We heat up after that with an Inferno TLC match! Vodka Fizz defends the FIRESIDE Championship, for the last time, for realz, against longtime adversary Curtis Kanyon. The HEart of FIRESIDE vs the Demise of FIRESIDE! Right here in Philly, where it all began!
Randy: And the blood will spill in the main event as Zoran defends that X*Crown against Bloodied Fox! A two-year-long feud about to blow the heck up!
Hawke: Before we get into the action of our opening contest, there is a special hype package crafted by the fine hype package makers in the area. Let's roll that tape!
[“Architecture of Aggression” by Megadeth hits the speaker system and the lights dim. On the back drop taking place as the tron tonight that hung from the upper sections all the way down to the ramp, the fans eyes shift focus to the vignette that begins to play. The words 'Violence is the answer' appear and then fade out as the song picks up and we see clips of the competitors for both teams appear in short snippets really fast, until the video freezes and a violin is seen playing itself, blood dripping from the strings as it makes the sounds of Megadeth's song.]
♫ Born from the dark
In the black cloak of night
To envelop its prey below
Deliver to the light
To eliminate your enemy
Hit them in their sleep
And when all is won and lost
The spoils of wars are yours to keep ♫
[Highlights from the GUNS Birthday Bash triple threat deathmatch come up on the screen as the music plays.]
[The video cuts to show the faces of Dylan Black, Spike Kane, and Jesse Jamester as they appear between the video clips being shown of their first encounter.]
[Then dripping onto the screen are the words ‘Oh Violent Night.’ ]
♫ Great nations built from the bones of the dead
With mud and straw, blood and sweat
You know your worth when your enemies
Praise your architecture of aggression♫
[The four Pillars of Violence now appear on the screen, as the Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan, New York appears before us and the carnage that took place between PRICE, Jesse Jamester, Dylan Black, and Spike Kane is shown in short clips.
[Fans cheer for the video package as those who were their begin a ‘HOLY SHIT’ chant that is not quite as loud as the one on that fateful night.]
♫ Praise your architecture of aggression
Ensuing power vacuum
A toppled leader dies
His body fuels the power fire
And the flames rise to the sky
One side of his face a kiss
The other genocide
Time to pay with your ass
A worldwide suicide ♫
[The ‘New Era of Xtreme’ are displayed in the order of Donzig, Esmeralda von Krauss, El Rey, and Jason Long on the screen as highlights of their matches over the past year shown on the video package.]
♫ Great nations built from the bones of the dead
With mud and straw, blood and sweat
You know your worth when your enemies
Praise your architecture of aggression ♫
[Not to be forgotten and always skillful in her attack method, Esmeralda von Krauss was on the original Oh Violent Night show as she took on ‘D’ in a match that would elevate both to new heights.]
♫ Born from the dark
In the black cloak of the night
To envelop its prey below
Deliver to the light
To eliminate your enemy
Hit them in their sleep
And when all is won and lost
The spoils of war are yours to keep ♫
♫ Great nations built from the bones of the dead
With mud and straw, blood and sweat
You know your worth when your enemies
Praise your architecture of aggression♫
[Skipping to the end of the GUNS Father’s Day Special we see the clip of what transpired to bring these 8 competitors together in what will be a crimson tide that floods the Philadelphia area.]
♫ Great nations built from the bones of the dead
With mud and straw, blood and sweat
You know your worth when your enemies
Praise your architecture of aggression ♫
[All competitors appear on the screen slowly until both teams are visible, Dylan Black, Spike Kane, Jesse Jamester and PRICE on one side looking right at Donzig, Esmeralda von Krauss, El Rey, and Jason Long on the other side - all looking left. A cage graphic drops down in front of them and blood begins to spill down the screen until the music fades out and the video fades to black.
♫ Born from the dark
In the black cloak of night
To envelop its prey below
Deliver to the light
To eliminate your enemy
Hit them in their sleep
And when all is won and lost
The spoils of wars are yours to keep ♫
[Highlights from the GUNS Birthday Bash triple threat deathmatch come up on the screen as the music plays.]
{CLIP}
The video clip of the Dylan takes a step back, but he sees Jesse beginning to rise. He runs over and helps him up, explaining the situation and giving a quick battle plan to the Canadian Nightmare. Jesse follows along and nods. They both stand around Spike as he's getting to his knees, spitting tacks out as quick as he can. But Jesse grabs Spike under the chin and Dylan rears back. SUUUUUUUUUUPERKICK! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! SPIKE SLUMPS OVER, SPITTING OUT BLOOD AND THUMBTACKS!
{CLIP ENDS}
The video clip of the Dylan takes a step back, but he sees Jesse beginning to rise. He runs over and helps him up, explaining the situation and giving a quick battle plan to the Canadian Nightmare. Jesse follows along and nods. They both stand around Spike as he's getting to his knees, spitting tacks out as quick as he can. But Jesse grabs Spike under the chin and Dylan rears back. SUUUUUUUUUUPERKICK! GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! SPIKE SLUMPS OVER, SPITTING OUT BLOOD AND THUMBTACKS!
{CLIP ENDS}
[The video cuts to show the faces of Dylan Black, Spike Kane, and Jesse Jamester as they appear between the video clips being shown of their first encounter.]
{CLIP}
Spike charges at his opponents, climbing the opposite turnbuckles and then running along the top rope.
SPEAR! SPIKE SPEARS THEM OFF THE TOP ROPE, THEY ALL FALL TO THE OUTSIDE! INTO THOSE BARBED WIRE-WRAPPED TABLES FROM EARLIER! THEY ALL CRASH AND BURN IN A PILE, GOING THROUGH THE BARBED WIRE TABLES TO THE CONCRETE BELOW!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
{CLIP ENDS}
Spike charges at his opponents, climbing the opposite turnbuckles and then running along the top rope.
SPEAR! SPIKE SPEARS THEM OFF THE TOP ROPE, THEY ALL FALL TO THE OUTSIDE! INTO THOSE BARBED WIRE-WRAPPED TABLES FROM EARLIER! THEY ALL CRASH AND BURN IN A PILE, GOING THROUGH THE BARBED WIRE TABLES TO THE CONCRETE BELOW!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
{CLIP ENDS}
[Then dripping onto the screen are the words ‘Oh Violent Night.’ ]
♫ Great nations built from the bones of the dead
With mud and straw, blood and sweat
You know your worth when your enemies
Praise your architecture of aggression♫
[The four Pillars of Violence now appear on the screen, as the Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan, New York appears before us and the carnage that took place between PRICE, Jesse Jamester, Dylan Black, and Spike Kane is shown in short clips.
{CLIP}
He lifts Dylan by the back of the neck like a cat and headbutts him! Again and again! Dylan is damn near limp as Jesse spins around and tosses him into Spike, who’s tumbling to the floor with Dylan in tow. Jesse looks down at PRICE, who’s picked up a baseball bat and cracks Jesse in the back with it! Jesse falls and PRICE begins to just lay into him with that bat, crushing him into a pulp on the mat. Jesse tries to power up but his jaws end up wrapping the bat, and PRICE sweeps his legs out for a SKULL CRUSHING FINALE!
{CLIP ENDS}
He lifts Dylan by the back of the neck like a cat and headbutts him! Again and again! Dylan is damn near limp as Jesse spins around and tosses him into Spike, who’s tumbling to the floor with Dylan in tow. Jesse looks down at PRICE, who’s picked up a baseball bat and cracks Jesse in the back with it! Jesse falls and PRICE begins to just lay into him with that bat, crushing him into a pulp on the mat. Jesse tries to power up but his jaws end up wrapping the bat, and PRICE sweeps his legs out for a SKULL CRUSHING FINALE!
{CLIP ENDS}
[Fans cheer for the video package as those who were their begin a ‘HOLY SHIT’ chant that is not quite as loud as the one on that fateful night.]
{CLIP}
Dylan pours all that butane on the table and hands PRICE the lighter. “Your daughter would want you to do the honors.” He clicks it on and drops it onto the table, setting it alight and climbing to the top rope with Spike on his shoulders. He goes to SUPERPLEX SPIKE OFF THE TOP TOPE, ONTO THE BURNING HELLSCAPE BELOW BUT WAIT! DYLAN LOW BLOWS PRICE AND GRABS HIM BY THE LEGS, THE TOWER OF DOOM COMES CRASHING DOWN ONTO THAT BURNING TABLE!
{CLIP ENDS}
Dylan pours all that butane on the table and hands PRICE the lighter. “Your daughter would want you to do the honors.” He clicks it on and drops it onto the table, setting it alight and climbing to the top rope with Spike on his shoulders. He goes to SUPERPLEX SPIKE OFF THE TOP TOPE, ONTO THE BURNING HELLSCAPE BELOW BUT WAIT! DYLAN LOW BLOWS PRICE AND GRABS HIM BY THE LEGS, THE TOWER OF DOOM COMES CRASHING DOWN ONTO THAT BURNING TABLE!
{CLIP ENDS}
♫ Praise your architecture of aggression
Ensuing power vacuum
A toppled leader dies
His body fuels the power fire
And the flames rise to the sky
One side of his face a kiss
The other genocide
Time to pay with your ass
A worldwide suicide ♫
[The ‘New Era of Xtreme’ are displayed in the order of Donzig, Esmeralda von Krauss, El Rey, and Jason Long on the screen as highlights of their matches over the past year shown on the video package.]
{CLIP}
Fizz shakes his head, wiping back his bloody hair before he climbs to his feet. He rips Donzig around, throwing punches at the bleeding and battered Lord of Chaos. He stumbles towards the edge, almost falling before he grabs at the cable once more. Fizz yanks Donzig away from the cable, and he drives a huge boot into his chest. He grabs his head, bouncing his face against the supports on top of the structure.
The fans cheer wildly, and then Vodka Fizz hooks Donzig's arm before he lifts him into the air. And he nails the Mind Eraser on top of the Hell in a Cell, the place explodes before the chain-link panel gives away! And the pair crash against the mat below in a broken and tangled heap as the crowd is on their feet! The referees stare in shock and disbelief, and then once inside the ring dives for the count! HE COUNTS THE THREE! It's then we notice Donzig landed on top of Fizz, and has stolen this win right from under Fizz's nose!
{CLIP ENDS}
Fizz shakes his head, wiping back his bloody hair before he climbs to his feet. He rips Donzig around, throwing punches at the bleeding and battered Lord of Chaos. He stumbles towards the edge, almost falling before he grabs at the cable once more. Fizz yanks Donzig away from the cable, and he drives a huge boot into his chest. He grabs his head, bouncing his face against the supports on top of the structure.
The fans cheer wildly, and then Vodka Fizz hooks Donzig's arm before he lifts him into the air. And he nails the Mind Eraser on top of the Hell in a Cell, the place explodes before the chain-link panel gives away! And the pair crash against the mat below in a broken and tangled heap as the crowd is on their feet! The referees stare in shock and disbelief, and then once inside the ring dives for the count! HE COUNTS THE THREE! It's then we notice Donzig landed on top of Fizz, and has stolen this win right from under Fizz's nose!
{CLIP ENDS}
♫ Great nations built from the bones of the dead
With mud and straw, blood and sweat
You know your worth when your enemies
Praise your architecture of aggression ♫
[Not to be forgotten and always skillful in her attack method, Esmeralda von Krauss was on the original Oh Violent Night show as she took on ‘D’ in a match that would elevate both to new heights.]
{CLIP}
D launches his own flurry of strikes, elbows, and kicks that keep Esmeralda backing up, though it can be told that D is getting slower. Esmeralda backs D away with a quick backflip kick that lands Esmeralda on the top rope from the side. Her momentum carries her like an arrow being pulled back in a bow.
{CLIP ENDS}
D launches his own flurry of strikes, elbows, and kicks that keep Esmeralda backing up, though it can be told that D is getting slower. Esmeralda backs D away with a quick backflip kick that lands Esmeralda on the top rope from the side. Her momentum carries her like an arrow being pulled back in a bow.
{CLIP ENDS}
♫ Born from the dark
In the black cloak of the night
To envelop its prey below
Deliver to the light
To eliminate your enemy
Hit them in their sleep
And when all is won and lost
The spoils of war are yours to keep ♫
{CLIP}
Dylan whips Krauss to the ropes and drops to the mat as she sprints towards him, Krauss is forced to jump to avoid tripping and slingshots her body to the far ropes. Dylan with a leapfrog but Esmeralda stops! The referee is yelling at their partners to get back to the ringside area, and Esmeralda sends her leg up like a pro punter! Dylan’s family jewels find the posts and IT’S GOOD!
{CLIP ENDS}
Dylan whips Krauss to the ropes and drops to the mat as she sprints towards him, Krauss is forced to jump to avoid tripping and slingshots her body to the far ropes. Dylan with a leapfrog but Esmeralda stops! The referee is yelling at their partners to get back to the ringside area, and Esmeralda sends her leg up like a pro punter! Dylan’s family jewels find the posts and IT’S GOOD!
{CLIP ENDS}
♫ Great nations built from the bones of the dead
With mud and straw, blood and sweat
You know your worth when your enemies
Praise your architecture of aggression♫
[Skipping to the end of the GUNS Father’s Day Special we see the clip of what transpired to bring these 8 competitors together in what will be a crimson tide that floods the Philadelphia area.]
{CLIP}
The Messiah of Hardcore had gone the way of the crowd, but there was no sneaking up on anyone with a running chainsaw. PRICE reaches the ringside area, staring on at El Rey, Jason Long, Esmeralda von Krauss, and Donzig. The Pillars of Xtreme were all on the outside of the ring, either down or working on their way to get up. PRICE takes to the announcers table, where he stares on at the group of attackers trying to make a statement.
Donzig gestures for Jason Long and El Rey to go to the right side, while Esmeralda and himself went left. PRICE smiled big and with a flick of his hand the chainsaw started to spark. All four of them stop dead, before hightailing it backwards when the chainsaw became a flame thrower! Six or seven foot flames bursting from the front end of the chainsaw.
{CLIP ENDS}
The Messiah of Hardcore had gone the way of the crowd, but there was no sneaking up on anyone with a running chainsaw. PRICE reaches the ringside area, staring on at El Rey, Jason Long, Esmeralda von Krauss, and Donzig. The Pillars of Xtreme were all on the outside of the ring, either down or working on their way to get up. PRICE takes to the announcers table, where he stares on at the group of attackers trying to make a statement.
Donzig gestures for Jason Long and El Rey to go to the right side, while Esmeralda and himself went left. PRICE smiled big and with a flick of his hand the chainsaw started to spark. All four of them stop dead, before hightailing it backwards when the chainsaw became a flame thrower! Six or seven foot flames bursting from the front end of the chainsaw.
{CLIP ENDS}
♫ Great nations built from the bones of the dead
With mud and straw, blood and sweat
You know your worth when your enemies
Praise your architecture of aggression ♫
[All competitors appear on the screen slowly until both teams are visible, Dylan Black, Spike Kane, Jesse Jamester and PRICE on one side looking right at Donzig, Esmeralda von Krauss, El Rey, and Jason Long on the other side - all looking left. A cage graphic drops down in front of them and blood begins to spill down the screen until the music fades out and the video fades to black.
Bonnie Jenkins: The opening contest is scheduled for ONE FALL!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Bonnie Jenkins: And is a WAR GAMES MATCH!
Cheers and fanfare, we cut to Steven Regal screaming WAR GAMES in the crowd. Back to Bonnie.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first... representing the New Age of Xtreme. He is the Scourge, the bringer of all things Oblivion. HE. IS. DONZIG!
I'm digging graves, graves for me and my friends
I'm digging graves, graves for me and my friends
I'm digging graves, graves for me and my friends
The light goes down and then comes up with an angry red. Flames explode from either side of the ramp, jets, and bursts of flame erupted into the air. Donzig walks from the back, wearing his skull mask with his hood up. He pauses, glaring out across the crowd before he shakes his head before walking down the ramp slowly. He circles around the ring, still watching the crowd before pausing to watch the announce team before he climbs the stairs. He stops at the door to the cage, reaching up to shove his hood back before stepping through the ropes. Then he takes off the mask and shakes his head at the fans with a scowl before he leans back in his corner. Arms resting on the ropes while waiting for the match to start.
Hawke: Donzig was the guy who started this whole mess you know.
Randy: What? Staking a claim to his throne? Asking for more than what he's got? In my opinion Randy, he's got every right to! Results don't come through sitting and waiting, they come through ACTION!
Bonnie Jenkins: And representing the Pillars of Violence. Hailing from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, known to the world as the Murder Lizard! JESSE! JAAAAAAAAAAAAAMESTEEEEEEEEEEEEER!
You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything
You are the end of everything
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything
You are the end of everything
Music blares over the sound system of the arena. Green and white lights begin to flicker down in a circle near the entranceway. Guitars shred as the drums beats viciously through the speakers. Fans begin stomping their feet before seeing the imposing figure cast a shadow in the lit-up circle. The Murder Lizard of the XHF steps forward and throws his head up, whipping his hair back as the scaly black dinosaur-style mask that struck fear into opponents took the stage. Jesse Jamester had arrived. Sporting white boots with black laces, with a lizard wrapped in barbed wire on the outside of each boot, and a bloody barbed wire design circling his tights. Fists taped up with black athletic tape, a black elbow pad on his right arm, and all the tattoos and scars visible from neck to abdomen, down both arms, and even on the eyebrow of the one eye that is more visible than the other under the mask. Taking a moment to soak it in, the Murder Lizard scans the arena and makes his way down the aisle towards the ring. As he approaches the ringside area, Jesse steps up on the second step of the black ring steps, cracking his neck and shrugging his shoulders in a warm-up manner. The murder lizard proceeds to wipe his boots on the steps, putting the ring to his back as he leans one arm over the top rope and a hand up to his eyebrows, getting a better look at the audience. In one motion, he steps through the door and between the ropes and enters the ring, showing authority in his body language; shoulders back, head up, face looking straight ahead. Jesse throws his right fist up in the air and then lets it slowly return to his side as the music begins to fade out.
Randy: These two masked maniacs have been at odds for the better part of six months and it's finally coming to a head now!
Hawke: Rules for this match are simple. These two psychos will get five minutes of playtime to themselves, and then every two minutes after that, another wrestler will be released from the confinements backstage with the advantage going to the New Era, as per earlier's coin toss. With that, let's get violent!
Elimination War Games Match
Pillars of Violence (Jesse Jamester, Dylan Black, Spike Kane and PRICE) vs New Era of Xtreme (Jason Long, Esmerelda von Krauss, El Rey and Donzig)
DING-DING! DING-DING!
Donzig would begin by immediately charging at Jesse, striking him with lefts and rights. Quick to try and overwhelm the Murder Lizard. Jesse would fire off a few strikes of his own, pushing back the Scourge with a shove and a knee lift to boot. Donzig is whipped into a corner and Jesse pops off some quick lefts and rights to Donzig’s torso. Donzig would grab the sides of Jesse’s head and headbutt him back, stunning the goliath so the Scourge could climb to the second rope. DOUBLE AXE HANDLE! Jesse falls and Donzig lays the stomps into him. Donzig follows with the ol’ reliable. Kneel down, elbow to the face. Headbutt on the ground. Stand up.
Donzig: OH CANADA!
The boos are thunderous as Donzig rubs his boot on the face of the Murder Lizard. A few more well-placed stomps to keep him down for the count. Donzig lifts Jesse to a sitting position and locks him in a headlock, wrenching him from side to side. He rests Jesse while choking him out, checking an imaginary watch on his wrist as he waits to see who comes down next. But he’s still got time to kill and Jesse is still full on gas. Donzig rubs his elbow across the face of Jesse but Jesse grabs it, twists his arm, and pulls him in for a headbutt!
Randy: Ooh! That one HAD to hurt!
Hawke: That Jesse Jamester is known for his tough striking!
The big Donziboski topples to the floor and Jesse picks him up by the back of the neck, not quite unlike a cat. He tosses Donzig onto the top rope, hanging him out to dry before running the length of the ring and BAM! Big boot across the face! Donzig falls back into the other ring and Jesse steps over the ropes, before running and dropping a big big elbow on the sternum of the Scourge! You can hear the coughing as he rolls over fetal, tears in his eyes. Jesse stands over him, grabbing him around the throat and squeezing. Several months of bad blood between these two alone about to pour out and paint the rings crimson with blood. Jesse throws Donzig into the cage wall, which shakes and wobbles as Donzig crashes into it. He howls in pain, cursing Jesse as the giant gives him a face rub with his boot! Repaying what Donzig dished out earlier.
Jesse would take a second to crack his neck before picking up Donzig and whipping him into the ropes, ducking down on the rebound. Ducking under the second rebound. Jesse flattens Donzig with a big boot, flattening Donzig. He bounces off the ground with a sickening thud as Jesse grabs his leg and tries some stump pulls, yanking them every which way. Jesse twists Donzig’s leg into a pretzel, not looking for the win here. No eliminations can be reached until everyone is in the two rings. Jesse just wants to make Donzig hurt, show him pain. That is all that’s on the Murder Lizard’s mind right now. Make Donzig feel what he hasn’t felt before.
BUZZZZZ!
Hawke: Oh boy. First five minutes is up, who's next?
Randy: Go Nelly!
Hawke: ...never change Randy.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL! All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.
Bonnie Jenkins: Making his way down to the ring, representing the New Era of Xtreme. GUNS' Favored Son - ELLLLLLLLLL REEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Randy: The first of many former X*Crown Champions is in da house!
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. The stage lights up with a spotlight and smoke fills the stage. El Rey steps out onto the stage to a chorus of boos. He soaks up the crowd's reaction and his music cuts and we hear…
I SAID - AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
…and Zoran Sainovic comes out behind his client. El Rey shakes his head and makes his way slowly to the ring with his head held high ignoring the fans as he makes his way to the ring. He stands at the end of the entrance ramp as Zoran rubs his shoulders, hyping him up for the match that he's about to walk right into. Zoran also slips half a dozen weapons onto El Rey's person but fuck it, that's all legal anyways. El Rey climbs the stairs and passes through the door, staring across the ring at the behemoth that is Jesse Jamester.
El Rey: What the hell are you looking at, you big dumb oaf?
Jesse lets go of Donzig immediately and steps over the ropes to meet El Rey, who is quickly utilizing the weapons planted by his manager. Tossing every hidden blade at the Murder Lizard, trying to re-extinct the last dino. A few loose blades stick themselves in Jesse but it just seems like that minorly inconveniences him. One blade manages to shave off the tip of one of his fingers and blood begins to pour right out! Jesse takes a second to admire the handiwork of the former X*Crown Champion and El Rey nails him with a low dropkick.
Jesse falls down and El Rey climbs on top of him and begins to batter him with strikes. Donzig crawls through to his side and begins to stomp on Jesse while he’s down, that’s the advantage for New Era of Xtreme. El Rey barks that he can handle Jesse and Donzig just laughs as a retort. They continue the double team, both running to opposite sides of the ring and Donzig nails a high knee as El Rey kicks him down low again. Toppling the goliath of the opposing team. They take a moment to celebrate as the clock counts down.
BUZZZZZ!
Randy: Already time for someone else?
Hawke: These two minutes are gonna fly by Randy. This is the fast part of the match. Let's see who's next.
A circle of flames erupts on the stage. Through the flames, slowly emerges Spike Kane as he fully emerges, the song kicks in.
GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW! DOWN!!!
Bonnie Jenkins: Making his way down to the ring, representing the Pillars of Violence. The God of Xtreme - SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE! KAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!
Hawke: Spike Kane is on his way to the ring!
As a pyro erupts at the top of the rampway Spike emerges through it, a snarl on his face. He drops his coat on the stage as the vocals kick in.
Yeah, I come alive, I'll survive, take on anything
So paint a target on my back let 'em come for me
I don't fall, don't quit, don't ever sleep
'Cause, I'm on another level that you'll never reach
IF YOU SEEK FORGIVENESSSSSS
You'll get nothing!
You'll get nothing from MEEE!!!
So paint a target on my back let 'em come for me
I don't fall, don't quit, don't ever sleep
'Cause, I'm on another level that you'll never reach
IF YOU SEEK FORGIVENESSSSSS
You'll get nothing!
You'll get nothing from MEEE!!!
Having sprinted down the ramp, he climbs the steps all at once and climbs to the top rope, jumping off and tackling El Rey off his partner!
Randy: The Blood saving the Hardcore King!
Spike mounts El Rey and begins to lay the punches in, beating relentlessly on the young gun who retained the X*Crown against him! El Rey fights back, many stiff knees into the chest of ½ of the Chaos Theory group. Spike pushes him back and CRACK! Hard knee to the nose of El Rey that breaks his nose and busts it open! Meanwhile, Jesse is fighting back to his feet and nails a spinning backfist to Donzig, toppling the New Era ringleader. Spike tosses El Rey to Jesse who lifts him with a pop-up powerbomb onto Donzig! El Rey rolls off of Donzig and Jesse picks the latter up, this time tossing him to Spike for a tilt-a-whirl piledriver!
Hawke: The Pillars using each other’s moves! How innovative!
El Rey and Donzig roll to the other ring, regrouping and thinking up a new strategy. Something clicks. The ol’ over-under. El Rey flies over the top rope, tope suicida to Spike taking him out. Donzig meanwhile kicks Jesse square in the nuts! What the fuck bro! Uncool! Donzig laughs and the duo begin to double-team Spike now, a little extra animosity between Spike and Donzig from their beef stemming from First Contact! Donzig lays a few stiff strikes in.
BUZZZZZ!
Hawke: Time for another New Era-ite! Who'll it be Randy?
Randy: I got a 50/50 shot to guess and let's be real, I'm so drunk I'll probably guess wrong anyways.
You number one, now it's time to start sneakin' up (oh)
This for my n***as that say I ain't deep enough (oh)
Me, I been talkin' for those that don't speak enough (oh)
Bitch, I'm a king, R.I.P to King Geedorah
This for my n***as that say I ain't deep enough (oh)
Me, I been talkin' for those that don't speak enough (oh)
Bitch, I'm a king, R.I.P to King Geedorah
Bonnie Jenkins: Making his way down to the ring, representing the New Era of Xtreme. The KING of PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING - JAAAAAAAAAASOOOOOOON LOOOOOOOOONG!
Randy: Another former X*Crown Champ! The first of the decade! My personal favorite, only until Nelly wins the big 'un.
As the opening beat to 'Sanjuro' begins to play over the speakers and echoing throughout the arena as it erupts the crowd, a singular spotlight separates itself from the rest and shines down onto the entrance curtain. With the spotlight shun down onto the stage, the figure of Jason Long steps out from behind the curtain to a loud ovation, with a large smile resting on his face as he stops at the top of the ramp, looking out to the fans in the crowd and nodding his head. Jason looks out to the crowd, keeping that smile on his face as he stands at the top of the ramp with his arms stretched out wide, soaking in all of the cheers that rain down onto him. Flames shoot up each side of The King as raises his leg and slam his foot down to the metal floor, setting off the large explosion of pyrotechnics behind him and allowing the crowd to enjoy the view. He makes his way down to the ring, shedding his jacket and hopping up the stairs. Laughing at the situation at hand.
Jason quickly begins to take control, commanding Spike to be brought to his knees. Rey and Donzig hold his arms at his sides, Spike spitting venom as Jason mocks him. He takes a few steps back… charges forward for a VANITY KILLER! Spike’s head bounces off the ramp in a sickening way! A dense thud as the trio turn to Jesse. He’s holding his nuts but he’s stirring, he won’t go down without a fight and hasn’t broken a sweat yet. The New Era pounce like wolves, all battering him with punches, kicks, stomps. Anything they can fit in and toss at the big meaty Jesse.
Hawke: Things aren’t looking so hot for the Pillars. If they can barely handle ¾ of the New Era I fear it’ll be a New Era of Xtreme we see tonight!
Randy: Chillax bro, the Pillars have half of their team in the ring! It’s not like they are even stevens or with the advantage right now!
Suddenly the pile begins to rise until BANG! Jesse explodes to his feet and the trio flies back! Into their corners they go as Jesse shakes the cobwebs and stares them down. He then charges. Scorpion Splash on El Rey! Kicks off the youngin and lariat to Jason Long as he charges Jesse. Jesse spins on his heel to face Donzig but he’s retreating into the afar ring. Letting the fresher meat get beaten. Jesse laughs at this cowardice and turns back to see Spike getting to his feet. He helps Spike up and they both grab one of the New Era guys. BLOODY SUNDAY TO JASON LONG! El Rey scrambles back to his corner and Jesse grabs him by the waist, tugging him away. MAD POETRY! A MOVE TUCKED AWAY AND NEARLY FORGOTTEN!
BUZZZZZ!
Hawke: Two Pillars left to come out. Come on Randy, really not a betting man?
Randy: No means no, Joey, in every connotation of the phrase.
Hawke: Don't appreciate the insinuation but fair.
A SPECIAL PLACE IN HEEEEEEEE-E-E-E-ELLLLLL!
Randy: I know that song! The last of the original three!
Bonnie Jenkins: Making his way down to the ring, representing the Pillars of Violence. The Daemon of Mayhem - DYLAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
Dylan sprints out from the back, climbing the side of the war games cage. Donzig has blindsided Spike and Jesse at this point and Rey and Long recovered to keep battling with Jesse and Spike. There's an insane cry as Dylan LEAPS FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE AND ONTO THE PILE!
Randy: Wow!
Dylan helps his fellow Pillars to his feet, they nod and share words of strategy. They begin to dissect the New Era, starting with Donzig. Cut the leader off quick, they can’t regroup. They pick Donzig up, beating him down with all sorts of strikes. Not unlike a symbiote, they move over to Jason Long, where Jesse seems to do a bulk of the damage with some hate-fueled punches from the Murder Lizard. Dylan leaks away from the mob to pick up El Rey, whipping him to the corner. Dylan begins to trade blows with the son of a GUN, who valiantly fights back.
Jason grabs Spike and rips him off of Donzig. He doesn’t care if Donzig gets hurt, he just wants to settle their beef. Jason levels Spike with a stiff punch and he and Rey begin to double team Dylan. Dylan is quick to incapacitate Rey with an electric shock then deals some malice-filled punches to Jason! Spike grabs El Rey and smashes his head into the cage! Donzig tosses Jesse into the ring opposite and climbs the ropes, nailing a splash on the dino! The asteroid that killed the dinos! That was all Donzig! You sick fuck!
BUZZZZZ!
Randy: Hawke. I wanna gamble. I think the next entrant is... KRIS QUAKE BABY!
Hawke: ... Five bucks says you're wrong.
Randy: Deal!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing the final member of New Era of Xtreme, the mistress of the von Krauss empire. ESMERELLDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! VON! KRAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSS!
Randy: Oh come on!
“Circus Apocalypse” by Vermillion Lies begins playing as Esmeralda von Krauss walks out from the back with a black foot long cigarette holder with a lit Egyptian cigarette in hand. She looks around at the booing crowd with a predatory smile as she takes a drag from her cigarette and flicks ashes onto the floor. She slowly walks her way down to the ring, smoking the cigarette and blowing the smoke into the faces of nearby fans. She saunters down to the ring, putting the cigarette out on a weaselly ringside attendant. She slowly climbs up the steps. She pulls out a handful of upholstery needles and smiles at El Rey.
Esmerelda: Dahling, I do hope your aim is still decent enough.
She kicks Dylan in the gut and flings a needle into his arm, sparks flying as El Rey grins.
El Rey: Of course.
Rey begins to duel with Dylan, who had Jesse’s help ripping that needle out of his arm. El Rey duel wielding the needles is a sight to be seen, as he waves them around all fantastically. Dylan responds with a straight jab to the already-broken nose of Rey. von Krauss and Donzig, two REIGN alumni, begin to double team Jesse. Both trading lethal strikers to bring down the giant. Meanwhile, Spike and Dylan are now putting work in on Jason, keeping the IPW owner down.
Jesse delivers the stiffest of elbows to Donzig, and a headbutt to von Krauss before he takes them both out with a BLOODY SUNDAY of his own! Two heads roll as the giant clambers back into the other ring. Jesse crushes Rey’s stomach with some knee lifts as Dylan and Spike take turns delivering stiff rights and lefts to Jason Long. Jason rakes Dylan’s eye and goes to do the same to Spike when Rey is tossed into him! Jason losses his balance and gets rope hung. Struggling to get to his feet. Jason Long is leaning against the ropes and El Rey is thrown head first into him, the both of them toppling into the other side of the ring with von Krauss and Donzig. All four across from the Violence Trio when suddenly-
This is the point of no return, I can never go back
Life without parole, upstate, shackled and trapped
Livin' in the hole, lookin' at the world through a crack
But fuck that, I'd rather shoot it out and get clapped
Life without parole, upstate, shackled and trapped
Livin' in the hole, lookin' at the world through a crack
But fuck that, I'd rather shoot it out and get clapped
Hawke: The Godfather of Hardcore is here!
Bonnie Jenkins: And the final participant in this match, representing the Pillars of Violence. HE IS THE MESSIAH OF HARDCORE. PRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!
A loud rumbling, almost drowning out "Point of No Return is heard as a large CAT excavator rolls down the ramp. PRICE driving it from the inside. Cackling maniacally. Everyone in the ring is appalled and watching as the gigantic machine rolls down to ringside, the bucket overhead raising and flipping over to dumb...
Randy: The weapons! We forgot about the weapons!
A giant pile of weapons is pouring into the middle of the ring. Chairs, kendo sticks, tables, everything and anything you can think of is in the ring right now and PRICE is quite pleased. He hands the machine off to whoever he stole it from and climbs into the ring.
And this is where it matters most. Everyone is inside now.
The Pillars of Violence.
New Age of Xtreme.
In one double cage.
With weapons galore...
FIGHT!
And the fists quickly begin flying! PRICE and Donzig, El Rey and Dylan, Jason and Spike, and Jesse and Esmerelda all trade blows in the rings! A few members clamor into the middle area between the rings, closing the gap and keeping things nice and tight! The brawls spill out around the ring and honestly, it’s a little hard to figure out the whos-who of what’s going on. The sides slowly begin to separate as they each pick up weapons and the clash gets even more violent!
Jesse and Esmerelda are duking it out, the von Krauss mistress dual-wielding her upholstery needles as she hacks and slashes at Jesse, who uses a chair wrapped in barbed wire to defend himself. He twists the chair to try to snag the needles from her grasp but she just laughs and stabs him in the arm anyways. Blood drips from the wound and that just fires Jesse up to punch von Krauss square in the nose anyways! Payback for last week at the GUNS show! Any major damage is quickly healing itself up though, so Jesse isn’t doing much but putting her immortality to the test. A stiff headbutt sends her into the ropes and Jesse boots her to the ground!
She falls and Jesse rears back with the chair, beginning to go to town with the barbed wire-wrapped chair! Lacerations and welts begin to form as she screams out in pain! Esmerelda is able to grab the chair one time and kick it back into the Murder Lizard’s face, stunning him good enough for him to be caught up in a german suplex! Jesse goes down and Esmerelda crouches, panting and searching for her next victim.
Hawke: So sadistic.
El Rey has a kendo stick and he has a small lightsaber duel with Dylan, who carries his traditional baseball bat. Dylan nearly cracks El Rey upside but he ducks and lets his kendo stick take the brunt of the damage. It almost snaps in half and El Rey cracks it over his knee, before stabbing them into the face of Dylan! Dylan goes down and El Rey laughs, stomping him a few times. He digs through the weapons pile, finding a baseball bat blue in color. A stark contrast to the red blood that coats Dylan’s bat. El Rey jumps up onto the top rope and laughs at Dylan.
El Rey: It’s over Dylan! I have the high ground!
Dylan stands up and rolls his eyes at El Rey.
Dylan: I fucking hate Star Wars…
El Rey: That’s not the line. Respect Star Wars kayfabe!
Dylan: UGH!
Dylan flips his hair back.
Dylan: You underestimate my power!
El Rey: Don’t try it!
Dylan then walks forward and punches El Rey in the dick. El Rey crumbles forward onto Dylan, who pats him on the back before lifting him onto his shoulders. Dylan then AA’s Rey into the cage wall!
Randy: Pop culture is tight!
PRICE and Donzig are brawling on another far corner, trading huge punches as they battle for supremacy. PRICE punches him back into the actual corner, nailing some big shoulder tackles into the corner. Donzig folds over his shoulder and PRICE lifts him up, planting him with a flapjack! Donzig bounces off a chair and holds his chest, and PRICE laughs and delivers some stump stomps to the New Era ringleader. Donzig howls and lashes out with his leg, kicking PRICE’s knee backward! PRICE falls over and Donzig picks himself up before lifting PRICE to his feet. He tosses him to the ropes, ARM DRAG! PRICE gets up, SNAP SUPLEX! PRICE rolls away as Donzig stalks him, dropping an elbow onto his chest!
Jason and Spike are perhaps having the cleanest fight in this ring, trading very clean strikes between the two. Jason stuns Spike and runs the ropes, dropping him with a single-leg dropkick! Spike falls back into the ropes, falling between the rings. Jason climbs to the top rope and SWANTON BOMB! BUT SPIKE ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY, AND JASON FALLS FLAT ON THE APRONS!
Randy: Oof!
Jason rolls into a ring, the only thing on his mind is the pain in his back. Doesn’t even notice Spike running the ropes for a super low dropkick! Jason is sent back into the other ring as Spike slides himself under the ropes, standing at his feet. They stand up and Spike nails a crisp ass headbutt on Jason, who fires back with two chops and a right hook! Spike takes it all, stumbling back into Jesse who DECKS HIM OUT OF INSTINCT! SPIKE GOES DOWN COURTESY OF JESSE BUT JESSE DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS HIM! Spike gets rolled up as Jason is taking advantage of this like the slimy snake he is.
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
Hawke: Jesse almost handed the New Era their first elimination, by mistake no less!
Randy: Hey man. The heat of the battle? You can’t keep tabs on everyone.
Spike pushes himself up and grabs his signature weapon. The Spiked One 7.0. Jason responds with a chain. He uses it to wrap up Spike’s sledgehammer and a game of tug-of-war commences. They pull the weapon back and forth for a few moments but Spike prevails, pulling it and Jason in and absolutely decking him with the sledgehammer to the face! Spike lifts Jason off the ground and holds him vertically in the air, oh! Oh! SPIKE IMPALIER! JASON LONG GETS WIPED OUT AND SPIKE KANE STACKS HIM UP, KEEPING HIS EYES WARY IN CASE ANYONE ELSE DARES TO DEFEND LONG’S HONOR!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Hawke: First elimination of the night!
Bonnie Jenkins: Jason Long of the New Era of Xtreme has been eliminated!
Randy: So long, Jason Long!
As doctors open the door and begin to assist Jason Long out of the ring and into a recovery area, a dark flash enters the ring! Someone in dark clothes and a mask jumps Spike in the ring, grabbing a kendo stick and just whaling away on the Blood God. He lifts Spike to his feet and nails a very familiar-looking spinning back fist as security floods the ring. They drag him out of the ring and unmask him to reveal -
Hawke: Brad Kane!
Randy: Pfft, as if the New Age needed help. Now this is just unfair.
Spike stares appalled at his brother’s own interference, but that look is quickly dissipated as El Rey kicks him in the dick! He spins Spike around and tucks him under his legs, lifting him up and BAM! SOCIETY KILLER! EL REY JUST CAPITALIZED OFF THE ASSAULT FROM BRAD KANE AND NOW HE’S READY TO MAKE THE PIN!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Randy: And we’re back to even-stevens!
Bonnie Jenkins: Spike Kane of the Pillars of Violence has been eliminated!
Hawke: That was a bit unfair. His jealous brother once again screws him out of an opportunity.
Randy: And how many times has Spike screwed other people out of opportunities?
Hawke: True.
Dylan would pick El Rey up on his shoulders, startling the young kid before he backdropped him onto the pile of weapons. Rey yelps and holds his back as Dylan sentons onto him. Dylan holds onto a few metal objects and charges his robot hand, shocking everything conductive on the pile - including El Rey. Rey keeps on screaming but grabs a nearby needle and stabs it right in the wires of his arm! His arm short circuits and there’s a small explosion off to the side. Dylan collapses as Rey steps back, stepping right into Uncle PRICE. PRICE just grins and El Rey backs up more, and PRICE stalks him, he keeps going keep going WHAM! DONZIG WITH THE ASSIST! PRICE GETS FLATTENED AND DONZIG HIGH-FIVES REY! But Jesse flattens the both of them! A big splash that crushes them both into the side of the cage!
Hawke: Wow! Did you see the cage rock there Randy?
Randy: I sure did! Heh, we’re in danger!
Jesse picks Rey up and tosses him into the ropes. Rey jumps up and starts climbing out of the cage, he wants no part of Jesse. EvK does though.
Esmerelda: Dahling, we’re not finished yet!
She and Jesse go off to finish their battle. Jesse picks her up and chokebombs her onto the mat, that was fast, and Donzig barrels over the downed Krauss to knock Jesse over. Esmerelda reaches for her infinite supply of needles and flings some at PRICE now and Dylan picks her up, but she nails a big kick on Dylan! Donzig takes on Jesse with the intent to finish what they started at the beginning of the match. They toss bombs at each other while PRICE and Dylan tango with Esmerelda. Jesse throws Donzig into the ropes and Donzig jumps for a Thesz Press.
Raining punches on Jesse. Jesse shields his face from the onslaught but Donzig grabs his hand and bites one of his fingers! Man, can that dinosaur howl in pain! Jesse headbutts Donzig and wraps his sausage-sized fingers around Donzig’s throat, choking the life out of him. Donzig turns every shade of blue known to man but can’t escape, he tries but the most he can muster is an eye rake to the Murder Lizard! Jesse growls and begins blindly swinging his arm around, nailing anything that comes within range of his tree-trunk arm. BAM! Dylan gets knocked down. BAM! PRICE wasn't quick enough to duck! Donzig sits atop the turnbuckle, watching the Pillars destroy themselves from the inside, though accidentally. von Krauss is urged to stay back but she grabs a bag of something white, as soon as Jesse can see again she yells his name and he turns and WHOOSH! WHITE POWDER IN HIS EYES!
Hawke: What is that stuff?
Randy: Probably salt. Maybe coke, though Mongo is strictly anti-drugs. Knowing the Pillars though, it's glass dust.
With Jesse blinded, it’s just a matter of stalking until he turns just enough around, and BAM! Event Horizon! Donzig Stunner! Jesse flops as a fish and Donzig holds him down and pins him.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Bonnie Jenkins: Jesse Jamester of the Pillars of Violence has been eliminated!
A half-armed, sparking Dylan realizes El Rey is missing and turns to see him going up the cage. He stares daggers into Rey. Rey continues to climb until he's sat on the top of the cage, looking down at the carnage. At Dylan. Rey mocks him from the high ground, knowing full well Dylan can’t do shit. PRICE starts to pull a table out of the pile of weapons and sets it down in front of El Rey, handing Dylan a bottle of lighter fluid. Dylan coats the table and tosses the bottle aside, but PRICE catches it and shakes the bottle.
PRICE: You've been hanging out with my daughter too long.
Dylan: She's taught me a bunch of tricks, man. It's never too late to teach an old dog.
Dylan winks.
PRICE: Yeah but no, ya gotta empty the bottle son get all that shit on there. Kids these days always wanna rush shit.
PRICE starts to climbs the cage, and El Rey wants none of this. He tries to scoot away but PRICE is able to climb that cage wall quick and grab El Rey. He delivers some tough headbutts, before he turns to see Dylan lighting the table on fire! Oh shit we redoing that Blood and Guts spot but with fire?!
Randy: Oh shit! Rey Rey about to burn!
PRICE then simply dumps El Rey off the top of the cage. EL REY SWANTON BOMBS THROUGH THE BURNING TABLE BUT HE'S DAMN ENAR UNCONCIOUS, HE'S NOT GETTING OUT! Dylan grabs a fire extinguisher and puts the fire out quickly.
Dylan: I don't wanna catch fire. Leave the match hanging like FIRESIDE. Plus, I'm not stupid like Joey Janela.
Dylan rolls El Rey over, putting him out of his misery.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Bonnie Jenkins: El Rey of the New Era of Xtreme has been eliminated!
Hawke: Half the field is gone, Randy! PRICE and Dylan stand their ground against Donzig and von Krauss!
Randy: Go J-ROK!
Hawke: PRICE isn't even in J-ROK bro.
Randy: But he'll bring that Hardcore Championship home to us.
Hawke: Dylan literally possesses the physical title. Did you not pay attention to Oh Violent Night 1?
Randy: *gasp* There's an Oh Violent Night 1?!
PRICE would climbs down the cage wall and regroups with Dylan, who stomps on El Rey for added insult to injury. von Krauss and Donzig are looking a little worried, but discussing tactics before PRICE and Dylan walked right into their ring and are face to face with the New Era!
AND THEY’D ALL GO FIGHTING! DYLAN AND DONZIG WOULD TRADE BLOWS IN THE RING, SWINGING BOMBS AT EACH OTHER! KRAUSS AND PRICE BRAWL ELSEWHERE IN THIS RING. Esmerelda stabs an upholstery needle into PRICE’s leg, and he does not like that. He rips it out, forgetting the rules of stabbing and blood spurts out. PRICE stabs back at her, lodging the needle deep within her ribcage. She cries out in pain and PRICE grabs a forearm sleeve wrapped in barbed wire, he drags it across her face and slices it open!
Hawke: Oh man. I get why Magnus told us to bring barf bags.
Randy: *retching and vomiting off screen*
von Krauss grabs her face and howls, taking a string of needles and flinging them at PRICE hitting multiple in his chest! But PRICE laughs and taps the kevlar vest he’s wearing! He hits her with a literal kitchen sink (shoutout to Jeff Bezos, this episode of Oh Violent Night is sponsored by Amazon. Just barely beating out Raid: Shadow Legends). von Krauss hits the mat and rolls over. PRICE stalks her, ready to nail the finishing blow when Esmerelda NAILS HIM WITH A DICK KICK!
Randy: Kevlar vest can’t save you from the ol’ dick kick!
PRICE keels over, and Esmerelda rolls under him and BAM! JUSTICE! PALM STRIKE RIGHT TO THE CHIN!
Meanwhile Donzig and Dylan were now exchanging chair shots on their side. Just battering each other over and over again. Dylan swings his chair overhead and Donzig ducks, bashing him over the head with his own. Donzig nails some knees to the face of Dylan.
Donzig: New Money can’t save you now you son of a bitch! Evan won’t protect you from this!
Dylan: You’re literally on a team with an official New Money member, you dense cunt.
Donzig stops and sits in appalled-ness as he remembers El Rey was literally on the New Money team. As he grumbles, Dylan grabs him by the side of the head and shocks him! Or he would, if El Rey hadn’t messed his arm up. They share a moment shit talking El Rey before Dylan jams his thumb into Donzig’s eye! A headbutt follows, and then a palm strike! Donzig is down and Dylan takes a few steps back, running forward! CURBSTOMP! NO! DONZIG LIFTS HIM BY THE LEG AND FLAPJACK INTO THE CAGE! THE ROPES! Dylan is hung out to dry and Donzig nails a knee lifts for his troubles!
Randy: New Era has the control right now.
Hawke: Pillars are in trouble! Krauss and Donzig looking to put them both away right now!
Esmerelda folds PRICE up in the ring and pins him.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Bonnie Jenkins: PRICE of the Pillars of Violence has been eliminated!
Hawke: And now it’s Dylan against two New Era-ites.
Randy: Dylan’s in trouble. Donzig’s lifting him up!
Donzig leaps up. LEFT ARMED STUNNER? INSULT TO INJURY! PRICE CRASH TO DYLAN! Donzig laughs and puts a single foot on Dylan, looking to pin him with much ease.
ONE!
TWO!
THR- PIN BROKEN UP BY ESMERELDA VON KRAUSS!
Hawke: What the hell just happened?
Randy: Hush, they’re about to tell us!
von Krauss just shoved Donzig off of Dylan and grabs him by the back of the neck, sticking upholstery needles into his ribs! Donzig spits out blood.
Donzig: …why?
Esmerelda just smiles an evil smile down to him as she lowers him to the ground.
Esmerelda: Did you simply think I’d let you win, no consequences? Du dummer Narr.
Esmerelda shakes her head and backs up as Donzig drops to the floor. She drags Dylan over him and lets the Daemon pin the Scourge.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Esmerelda: See you at Night of Champions, Geißel.
Bonnie Jenkins: Donzig of the New Era of Xtreme has been eliminated!
Hawke: And we’re down to our final two, but why Esmerelda? Why?
Randy: She’s a business woman with business plans. She wants Donzig’s REIGN plates and will do anything to get what she wants!
It’s down to the final two. Esmerelda von Krauss and Dylan Black. Two people with a fair bit of history with one another. Dylan stares at Krauss, a slight smirk on his face.
Dylan: A bold move, do you really think you can take me on all alone?
Esmerelda: Silly man, I’ve watched countless hours of your material. You think a metal arm with electric abilities will help you beat me?
von Krauss throws a needle with eerie precision into the same stab hole El Rey made earlier, completely severing all electrical components.
Esmerelda: Now, you’re just a one-armed man.
She tosses her bag of needles to the side, wanting to do this as fairly as possible. Show that mat wrestling can beat even themost violent of individuals. The two dual in the ring, trading strikes back and forth. von Krauss runs the ropes, Dylan ducks under her clothesline attempt and BANG! SUPERKICK! Dylan turns to the hard cam.
Dylan: My thigh slap sounded better then Steve’s.
Dylan stomps on Esmerelda, twisting his heel in her stomach where she’d been stabbed and such earlier. Esmerelda grabs his foot and twists it down for an ankle lock! But that’s his robot leg, he just disconnects it and rolls over, grabbing his fake leg and pulling it in and monkey flipping her into the weapons!
After Dylan reconnects his leg, he notices a large silk drawstring bag on the ground beside her. He opens it up and there’s thumbtacks, thumbtacks that dumb all over the ground. Dylan gets an evil idea. He dumbs all the tacks out on the ground and saves a handful in his hand, magnetizing it so they all stick flat-side down. Dylan helps von Krauss up and slaps her across the face, gouging her face!
He then lifts her up on his shoulders, RAGNARÖK! RAGNARÖK! DYLAN PLANS VON KRAUSS ON THE THUMBTACKS AND ROLLS HER UP, PUTTING THE FINAL NAIL IN THE
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING-DING! DING-DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: Esmerelda von Krauss of New Era of Xtreme has been eliminated! The survivor of this match is Dylan Black, and the winners! THE PILLARS! OF VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOLEEEEEEEEEEEEEENCE!
Hawke: Dylan Black has survived WAR GAMES!
Randy: And more importantly, the Pillars have vanquished the New Era of Xtreme!
The Pillars of Violence all rejoin Dylan in the ring, all celebrating and raising their hands in victory. They fist bump each other and vibe for a bit as the cage raises up.
Hawke: A victory for the Pillars of Violence but a war that undoubtedly took years off each one of their careers.
Randy: These mega-events celebrating eXtreme, it’s bound to get to a point that it cannot be topped. Tonight they raised the bar, Joey.
Hawke: No argument from me on that one. The ethics of body and mind may never be observed the same again, after witnessing what hell this group puts themselves through.
Randy: The New Era of eXtreme put up a hell of a fight, but tonight the Pillars reminded everyone this is their domain.
Hawke: No love loss and no doubt this won’t be the last time—
Cut off by the sudden music that screams throughout the Philadelphia arena. The curtain parts and we are treated to Curtis Kanyon appearing. To his left is El Combatiente, and to his right appears Steve Awesome. The trio of the BANG! Bros stand at the top of the stage, staring down at the Pillars of Violence in the ring as the cage is nearly in the rafters now. Spike looks confused by their arrival. PRICE looks like he's ready to fight everyone and anyone, while Dylan and Jesse grit their teeth and prepare for another fight.
Hawke: The BANG! Bros coming to celebrate with Spike after a hell of a fight and victory.
Randy: This doesn’t look like a celebration party, Joey.
Hawke: Uh, I think you’re right. The BANG! Bros don’t look like they’re here to high-five and have some beers. It looks like business.
Randy: I have a bad feeling about this.
The BANG! Bros slowly make their way down to the bottom of the ramp. All three of them use their feet to draw an imaginary line where the ring area and ramp meet. Gesturing to Spike Kane, Awesome taps his wrist to indicate it’s time to pick a side.
Hawke: The question on everybody's mind right now is, who will Spike choose?
Randy: These fans don’t know what to think.
Inside the ring, Spike leans over the ropes toward his stablemates.
Spike: What the hell's going on? Are you asking me to choose?
Spike looks genuinely conflicted, as Jesse begins to take a stance a bit more behind Spike; preparing for the battle after the war. Dylan is busy staring a hole through Steve Awesome. If he had lasers for eyes, Steve and Dylan would be featured in a reboot of the X-Men. Awesome blows The Daemon of Mayhem a kiss back, as the movie star turns a cheek and points at it. PRICE and El Combatiente half shrug at each other, not sure what to make of this situation. Curtis Kanyon, he knows.
Spike: Fuck, it ain't even a choice.
Straight away Spike drops to his back and rolls under the ropes, gesturing for PRICE to come with him, but PRICE hesitates for a moment. He too drops to his back and rolls out, coming round to Spike, trying to talk quietly, but the camera picks it up anyway.
PRICE: One condition, I get to slap Awesome whenever I want.
Spike: Deal.
With that, Spike and PRICE step over the imaginary line, each taking up a flank, as the BANG! Bros begin to shout and gesture towards the remaining Pillars of Violence in the ring.
Dropping to the canvas, the Murder Lizard rolls out of the ring and grabs the shoulder of Spike Kane and The God of Hell nearly swings on Jesse but stops as he turns and notices who it is.
Jesse: Is this really how you want to do things?
A moment of pause from Spike is cut short as Awesome prepares to fight Dylan who rolls out to come back up Jesse.
Awesome: Keep the robot reject behind you or I’ll make a new hit series called “How did that fit in Dylan’s ass.”
The two immediately go to tango and Jesse stops Dylan as Spike holds Awesome back. The two unusual suspects, to stop others from fighting? Bizarre but nonetheless, Spike gets Awesome and the rest of the BANG! Bros to step back up the ramp, not by much but a few steps before Spike turns around and stares at Dylan and Jesse. He thumbs behind him and gives a “What, you thought we weren’t close?” sort of shrug, and facial reactions.
Dylan: We know where you stand. Remember this was the night the line was drawn.
Spike’s eyes flash with the intensity of when he cuts a promo or satisfies his bloodlust. The God of Hell stares not at but through the Murder Lizard and the Daemon of Mayhem, nodding ever so slightly, letting them know - he sides with the BANG! Bros, period. Stepping backward and joining the Call to Arms 3 victors, his comrades, but never taking his eyes off the other Pillars.
Hawke: Battle lines have been drawn. The Pillars, united with a common foe, seem to always fall back to infighting once more.
Randy: Oh man. Whenever they come to blows again, I will be so ready to watch!
Hawke: I won't. I'm squeamish.
Hawke: I can smell the gas from here.
Randy: Don’t tell me you had Taco Bell tonight, I’ll walk right now.
Hawke: No, but there may be some burnt burritos by the time this one is over.
Randy: Tables, ladders, chairs, and fire. Who thought it needed to be done?
Hawke: Every one of these fans thought so, and they are delivering aren’t they!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is tonight’s CO-MAIN EVENT! This match will be an Inferno T-L-C Match with No Time Limit! The first competitor to climb the ladder and take the FIRESIDE World Title, will be the LAST FIRESIDE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!
Randy: With this being the last defense, we have to wonder what shenanigans Vodka Fizz has planted for the evening.
Hawke: Win at any cost. Kanyon is no stranger to this environment, and Vokda and him have history that goes back. It’s not going to end with a snag of the belt, I know that much.
Randy: EMT’s standing by and fire extinguishers everywhere, the XHF spared no expense to make sure we keep this safe - and up to Fire Marshall code. Philly is a stickler aint it?
Hawke: I’d rather be safe than a marshmallow.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first, the challenger! Hailing from Washington, D.C.! He weighed in tonight at 271 pounds and stands five foot seven inches! A proud member of the BANG! Bros and 2021’s Call to Arms 3 winners, and known by many names over, such as "The Breaker of Worlds," "The Archangel," "The Real F'n Deal," "The People's Champ," "The Imitator of Violence," "The King of Xtreme," "Former President of the United States," YES! Here is — CURTIS KAAAAANYON!
"Don't Tread on Me" by Metallica blares over the P.A. Former President Curtis D. Kanyon emerges from the curtain when the cymbal crashes at the 30 second mark. He's got a sledgehammer slung over one shoulder and his Fireside tag team title over the other. Curtis pounds his chest with his fist then raises the hammer in the air. He walks down to the ring, nodding to the fans.
Hawke: President Kanyon has seen success all over the map. Between the BANG! Bros or El BANG! Hermanos, it’s as though gold is drawn to the man. His success is not just found in wrestling, but in his political career too. I do believe many constituents of President Kanyon are watching tonight. Likely sending prayers for his safe harbor to return to the polls next November.
Randy: Constituents? Look, Kanyon is about one thing - BANG!ing his way to a win tonight. If he doesn’t break Vodka Fizz in half, it’ll be cemented in history as a loss and his last opportunity to ever win the FIRESIDE World championship.
Hawke: Vodka has everything to lose, but it’s not like this match favors anyone. A ring surrounded by fire, with tables, ladders and chairs all around ringside and the aisle way. Someone has to climb the ladder and take the gold to get the win.
Randy: If someone makes it out alive from this, I’ll quit drinking. (Scoffing laugh)
He grabs a "BANG!" sign from a fan and shows it to the camera, giving a thumbs up before he tosses it back into the crowd. Curtis then climbs into the ring and goes to the turnbuckles. He climbs a turnbuckle and points to the crowd with his hammer, then hoists it straight up into the air and yells "BANG!" He jumps down and gives his hammer to the ref, ready for action!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing next… (Lets the crowds roar die down) Hailing from Daytona Beach, Florida! He weighed in tonight at 220 pounds and stands six foot three inches tall! The reigning, defending, FIRESIDE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION — VODKA FIIIIIIZZZZZZZ!
The lights go down and blacklights come up, bathing the stage in purple. A hard, grungy bassline starts to play.
♪'Hey, turn the bass up. Turn the bass up!'♪
Randy: Vodka is not here to play games tonight. That look is all business.
Hawke: A former SPARK Champion and now fighting for the right to be called the LAST FIRESIDE Champion, a lot of pride is on the line here.
Randy: Give Caffrey a little due, he made a hell of a roster and put on some of the great matches of the past two years in FIRESIDE.
Hawke: With talent like this, it’s no wonder FIRESIDE was Fed of the Year and had X*Crown Champions littered on their roster.
Randy: These two already know it’s not just another match - you can feel it, can’t you Joey?
When he gets to ringside, he drapes the fur coat over the seat of the golf cart and removes the top hat, keeping the shades on. Walking around the ring, Vodka Fizz grabs chairs and throws them in the ring, as Kanyon tells him ‘More the merrier’. Turning to face the crowd, Fizz chugs the last of his large drink. He takes a table and sets it up ringside, before standing on it,striking a pose. Vodka Fizz grins and winks at the camera, displaying the FIRESIDE World Heavyweight Championship around his waist. Then without blinking he drops off the table and slides in the ring, jumping to his feet and grabbing a chair to wield at Kanyon. Knowing full well what Kanyon was capable of.
Hawke: Right now, these two are preparing for a war unlike any they have ever been in.
Randy: Staff is placing the gear that will surround the ring in fire. I’m glad we aren’t with the Spanish announce table at ringside any more Joey.
Hawke: Me either Randy. I don’t know the last time I was more frightened, the LEGO Death Match or the time the ring was set to explode.
Vodka Fizz hands the FIRESIDE World Championship over to the referee, who presents it high in the air in the middle of the ring. The rope comes down with the chain link connecter to hang the belt on, and the referee places it on, buckling the straps, and setting it so the gold faced the hard camera.
Randy: Tonight, history is written for the final time for this belt.
Hawke: And one of these men get to take home that championship, hanging it up or– if they decide, they can cash it in for an X*Crown Championship match.
Randy: Oh! I forgot about that!
Before the bell can sound, Fizz hits Kanyon with an elbow strike to the head as the referee checks Kanyon for any weapons. Like Fire wasn’t going to be bad enough. The referee exits the ring and the flames shoot up, surrounding the ring apron on each side. To win, someone would have to exit the ring and get a ladder, then come back in the ring and climb it to retrieve the belt.
FIRESIDE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
Inferno TLC Match
Vodka Fizz(c.) vs Curtis Kanyon
Fizz gets two hits on Kanyon with the chair before the former President shoulder charges the champion, sending Vodka to the canvas and the chair clanging out of the ring. The fire bursts up on the impact of Fizz hitting the canvas, and Kanyon pauses to notice. Nodding, the sweat was already pouring as the temperatures went through the roof – literally.
Kanyon gets two punches on Fizz before attempting to lift him up over his shoulder. Fizz elbows Kanyon to avoid the scoop and instead arm drags him towards the ropes, looking to warm up the former President. Kanyon stops his momentum and shakes his head, waiting for Fizz to run at him, but Fizz stands his ground in the center of the ring. Curtis Kanyon walks up to fizz, puffing his already muscular chest out and bumping Vodka Fizz’s chest. Fizz, having the height advantage, makes Kanyon look up to him as their noses meet and they put their foreheads together, exchanging words.
Hawke: Not even waiting for the bell and now these two are giving each a piece of their minds.
Randy: I doubt it’s an intellectual debate.
Hawke: Not likely but Curtis Kanyon has been known to give a good speech. He didn’t become President because of his looks.
Randy: If that was the criteria, a lot of Presidents would not have made the cut.
Hawke: The flames are nearly the height of the ring ropes and it looks like the ring crew is trying to turn them down a notch.
Randy: And now they’re nearly seven feet tall!
The shriek of panic from Randy is heard in the ring as Kanyon unleashes a swinging haymaker and rocks Fizz backwards towards the flames. Going for the grapple and receiving a throat thrust from Vodka Fizz in return! Fizz steps up using Kanyon’s knee and dropkicks the former President! Kanyon rolls close to the flames and stops just shy of the bottom ropes, feeling the heat as part of his hair sizzles from the flames. Swiping at the fire, Kanyon grabs the hair and squeezes, using his sweat to put out the embers. Fizz laughs as he points at Kanyon’s reaction, before sprinting forward and going for the basement dropkick to follow up! Rolling out of the way, Kanyon dodges and Fizz’s boots are in the flames as a result!
Randy: Hope he wore the fire protected ones tonight.
Hawke: Doesn’t matter if he does, that is still going to burn you up.
Randy: Both wrestlers are already feeling the burn, hehe.
Hawke: I really need a new partner.
Fizz scoots backwards to get his feet out of the flames and goes to reach for the boots but stops himself; realizing they would be hot to the touch. He puts a finger to his head, showing he is a thinking man and gets an axe handle smash from Kanyon from behind! Scooping Fizz up by the armpits, Kanyon puts him on his feet and wraps around the legs and puts Fizz face first on the canvas. Popping the hips, Kanyon slingshots Fizz up and over, dropping Fizz hard on his upper back and neck! Vodka tries to roll to safety but that term doesn’t exist tonight as he comes inches from the flames surrounding the ring! Fizz returns his focus to Kanyon, who was stalking him, waiting for him to notice. A well placed boot to the face from Kanyon and Fizz is laying on the mat thinking about a party he went to recently, dazed and confused.
Hawke: Kanyon showing that brute force can get results, kicking teeth in on that one.
Randy: Brute force is how most politicians get results Joey.
Hawke: I’d argue they persuade without recourse, but that’s a debate for another day.
Randy: Curtis has that look in his eye, and it’s never a good look for his opponents.
Lifting Fizz up and sending him to the ropes, the flames burst as Fizz bounces off them, catching the flames enough to hear his shirt sizzle when he returns to the center of the ring. Kanyon is waiting and power lifts Vodka Fizz up and over his head into a gorilla press! Showing off his strength, Kanyon walks in a circle before he begins picking up pace, heaving Vodka Fizz over the top rope to the outside! Fizz hits a ladder and some chairs as he rolls into the barricade.
Randy: Exit stage right for Fizz!
Hawke: The unbelievable power display by Kanyon. Showing off that he can still go with the best of them.
Randy: Yeah, but did Kanyon just put a wall between himself and the champion? He didn’t think that one through obviously.
Hawke: I doubt that’s the case, but you make a valid point. The flames are four or fight feet tall now. The ring crew gave up on fixing the burners once they had them set to this setting.
Fizz smiles as he pulls himself up, holding his ribs from the crash landing. Setting up a table ringside, Fizz moves two ladders and begins to place one on each side of the table. Kanyon goes to a turnbuckle near Fizz, but the flames keep him at bay. Kanyon shows frustration, but he has an ‘Aha’ moment and begins gathering the chairs that Vodka Fizz threw in the ring before the match officially started. All bunched up in one corner, Kanyon starts sliding the chairs towards the side of the ring that Vodka has set up shop in making some contraption. Fizz has both ladders set up and a table laying across the very top of the ladders, acting as a platform some 12 feet in the air.
Hawke: I don’t know what Fizz is doing but Kanyon has created a fire barrier using those chairs, and has them stacked over the burner. The ring is actually getting charred at the ring aprons from it.
Randy: Time for the bumble bees to come out and keep this fire at bay. We can’t end this here, we still have a main event to come!
Hawke: I’m shocked you knew that, wow. (shakes head in disbelief)
Randy: See, I’m not all good looks and great dinner guest material Joey.
Kanyon steps through the ring ropes where his chairs have barricaded the fire and hops down to the floor as Fizz is putting chairs on top of his table-scaffolding rig-a-muh-jig. Ring crew come near the ring side and have fire extinguishers to keep the apron and ring from going up in flames, to which Kanyon borrows one with a Presidential smile from a ring crew member; and sprays Fizz as he turns around right in the face! The FIRESIDE Champion is blinded but has the knowledge and awareness to hold the ladder with one hand as he wipes his eyes with the free hand. Kanyon takes this time to climb the ladder behind Fizz, a few steps, and turn around as he hooks Fizz in a powerbomb position!
Randy: Buh-bye Fizz, hello new champion.
Hawke: Not just yet!
Raising Fizz up, Kanyon goes to jump and when he does, Vodka holds the ladder with both hands - kicking Kanyon in the back of the head as he gets out of the powerbomb and makes it to the top of the platform he made. Kanyon lands on his feet on the outside, shaking his head at Fizz’s escape, and grabbing a chair. Chucking the chair up at Fizz, it connects to the back! Kanyon seems happy with the result and begins chucking chair after chair at Fizz until the FIRESIDE Champion is laying on the table some 12 feet in the air on two ladders, trying his best to avoid any incoming object. Kanyon grabs one chair and begins ascending the ladder to go after Fizz. A rung from the top and Vodka Fizz kicks Kanyon in the shoulder, making him unbalanced as he struggles to hold on with only one hand. Kanyon steps up to the top rung and Vodka Fizz hits an enziguri! Kanyon falls off the ladder, chair bouncing off the floor, while Fizz is holding onto the table for dear life as the whole structure he created is shaking from his weight bouncing on top of it.
Hawke: Kanyon takes a spill on the outside as Vodka Fizz finds a moment to breathe.
Randy: Fizz is finding out that Kanyon does not quit; an admirable but annoying trait in an opponent.
Hawke: If I was Vodka Fizz, I would find a way to keep Kanyon out of the ring indefinitely. Those flames are already a wall of ‘no’ so I don’t see how either of them are getting in unscathed.
Randy: Little courage you have Joey. These two are innovative, they’ll come up with something.
That’s when Kanyon was lifted by Fizz and thrown into the barricade with an Irish whip. Bouncing off it, the former President crumbles to the floor, still feeling the effects of the enziguri. Fizz sets up another table that is propped up at an angle near the barricade, and leans over the barricade to get up close and personal with a ‘Vodka Fizz Fan Section’ that were all dressed like him and partying it up. Fizz gets in on a selfie, showing blatant disrespect towards his opponent with these actions. As Fizz finishes signing the lady's baby, he turns around and the BANG!
Randy: Through the table!
Hawke: Kanyon got all of that one!
Randy: Sliding a ladder in the ring now, Kanyon is fixin’ to finish this one.
Going around the ringside area, Kanyon finds the burner controls, and turns the fire off on that side of the ring where he is. While staff are telling him don’t do that, as gas could seep out, Kanyon assures them he is a Grillmaster, he knows how to handle the heat and cook enough food to feed a PeeWee baseball camp of kids.
Hawke: This is interesting, so Kanyon has one side of the ring neutralized with no fire, and has slid the ladder over the bottom rope and into the ring. Will Fizz recover to stop him from taking the FIRESIDE Championship?
Randy: I don’t know about recover, he’s on dream street.
Hawke: Kanyon is back in the ring, and he looks to be turning that burner back on. This is risky considering Curtis has to reach over the burner to turn it on, and could end up being scorched for his efforts
Randy: Fried President coming up.
Hawke: Kanyon is lucky the fire was delayed on igniting, or he’d have been a charred marshmallow.
Setting the ladder up, Kanyon begins to ascend it and go for the FIRESIDE World championship. Every step felt like eternity for the former President, and fans watched in awe as fire swayed and burst around the ring.
Randy: A few more steps and we are crowning a new FIRESIDE Champion!
Hawke: And the last FIRESIDE World champion at that.
Kanyon goes to reach for the belt but is a few rungs lower than he needs to be. Taking his time, he steps up another rung and reaches again. Still too far away.
LARIAT!
From the platform he had set up, Fizz had a running start before he dove over the top rope and flames, crashing into Kanyon and the ladder! Everything and everyone in the ring is down!
Hawke: Vodka Fizz pulling out all the stops to keep that title belt in his possession.
Randy: At what cost though? He just landed on that ladder and crashed onto his right shoulder. What damage will that cause to the champ and will it play any part here in how this one ends?
Hawke: Is someone writing you queue cards? I swear I have never had a night where Randy is coherent and gives us real analysis on the match. (stunned)
Fizz find his way to his feet and grabs the ladder that leans on the ropes, pulling it to an upright position. The flames dance around the ring area as the fans are on their feet, hoping to get a better look of the action. Fizz stomps on Kanyon and shoves his face towards the flames with his boot. Kanyon fights back, grabbing the bottom rope and getting a burn on his hands, but is able to kick upwards and plant his boot in the chest of Vodka, sending him backwards into the ropes! Vodka gets his arms tied up in the ropes and the fans ‘Oooooooh’ at the dilemma, where fire is now scorching the shirt and back of Vodka Fizz!
Randy: If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Hawke: Fizz is wishing he was in a kitchen, because right now he’s feeling that heat crawl up his back and singe the hair on his arms as he struggles to get the ropes free.
Kanyon makes his way up the ladder, this time a little faster than the last. As he reaches the top rung, Vodka is let go and rushes towards him to climb the ladder on the other side. Kanyon looks down and sees Fizz coming up and steps over the top of the ladder so he’s straddling the ladder with a leg on each side of the rungs. Fizz grabs his boot and clubs away at Kanyon’s side but the former President shin kicks him in the nose and before you know it, KANYON CUTTER!
Off the ladder to the canvas, Kanyon takes out Vodka Fizz with the cutter and lays him out. The BANG! Bros member ascends the ladder one more time, and this time, there is no distraction, no person grabbing at him, no interference coming, just Curtis Kanyon and the ladder, with Vodka Fizz on his back below.
Hawke: A brilliant move to put Vodka out of commission and secure this one Randy.
Randy: I’m sad the Spanish announce table never got broken; what are they even doing down there if that doesn’t happen?
Hawke: As you can tell, my broadcast partner is as always, overcome with words, and unable to contain himself here tonight. But the bigger story is that Curtis Kanyon is about to win the FIRESIDE World Championship.
Unlatching the championship belt, Kanyon stares at it for a solid five seconds before he displays it high above his head with both hands, standing tall on the ladder, the NEW and final FIRESIDE World Heavyweight Champion!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match and NEEEEWWWW FIRESIDE WORLD CHAMPION – CURTIS KANYON!
Confetti falls from the Philadelphia arena rafters as fans toast beers, chant ‘KAN-YON’ and yell for ‘One more run!’ in a congratulations cheer for the former President.
Hawke: A special night for Curtis Kanyon, and a note in the history books for FIRESIDE.
Randy: It was a special place wasn’t it?
Hawke: They all are, but this one felt different didn’t it?
Randy: Yeah, it did.
Backstage the camera turns on to show a chain link fence, reminiscent of the War Games match that took place earlier in the night. Walking into the frame in a bloody mess is the Murder Lizard, Jesse Jamester. Seething from the betrayal of what happened at the end of the match it appears.
Grabbing the microphone from a near by interviewer and shoving them out of the frame, he stares straight through the camera lens. The blood still fresh on his mask and all over his body. The mask gets zoomed in on, showing its Lizard and Dragon-like qualities with the black scales, as well as a red cut like slice through the right eye of the mask, protruding on the cheek and forehead. Blood dripped over his other eye and ran down the side of the mask all the way to his neck.
Jesse Jamester: Tonight we saw the loyalties of men be decided! Tonight I witness a team we knew was combustible,conquer and explode from within. This was never going to end with hugs folks, and that’s alright by my book! I ain’t here to make friends – I AIN’T HERE TO BE YOUR BUDDY SPIKE! BANG!
Calming down, the head tilts down to the floor, as Jesse exhales and puts his hands together, cracking knuckles with a simple fist clench.
Jesse Jamester: We won’t bother to get into it tonight… No, not after I received such good news just moments ago.
Looking up slightly, his sapphire cold blue eyes put a spell on the camera as they cut through the dark bloody mask, and consume the viewer’s attention.
Jesse Jamester: Greg Adkins! You’re ass is fighting me at the GUNS season 3 finale! You’re obligated to fulfill your contract to GUNS, and by the boss’ count, you owe him a match. So you either show up and fight me one on one, or you will pay off your debt as my manager in GUNS over the next year.
Snorting into a laugh, the Murder Lizard’s hands rub together in a way that doesn’t bode well for Adkins.
Jesse Jamester: Adkins has evaded me in any solo competition. He has made it his mission to get involved in my business long enough! Tonight was a culmination of what he has brought on the Murder Lizard this year. I had to brutalize others because of him. I nearly killed a man tonight because of Adkins. Well it’s long past due you get what your owed Greg!
Putting a hand out of frame, Jesse pulls a dog collar and chain out of a beige bag, throwing the bag behind him as he drapes the dog collar over his neck and the chain over his other shoulder.
Jesse Jamester: At GUNS finale show of the season, Greg Adkins faces the Murder Lizard in a Dog Collar match! This will be a fight for your freedom Greg, because damn it, if you don't fight me -- you don't want to know what I'm going to have you do as my personal bitch! That's right, I'll have you contracted as my manager and personal Lizard shit picker-upper for a whole year. The choice is yours Greg, but I wouldn’t put much stock in the end result being any less than the most violent experience of your career! (Snarls)
Tossing the microphone behind him, Jesse’s face is zoomed in on as the camera fades to black and an advertisement plays.
Hawke: The last OVN was unsanctioned for violence, but it strikes me that this next contest would have been more at home there.
Randy: No kidding. This is going to be way more like a snuff video than a wrestling match.
Hawke: If you’ve managed to have your children sit through the show thus far dismissing their anxiety with soothing advice about it just being wrestling? I cannot stress enough, that viewer discretion is strongly advised.
Randy: Watching this match is what drove me to drink.
Hawke: So even though it hasn’t happened yet, you’re predicting that it will be such an ordeal that you’ll travel back in time twenty years to become a raging alcoholic?
Randy: Yes.
A casket has been set up at ringside.
The mahogany container has been placed on a reinforced steel table, which is positioned next to the east side of the second ring. This puts the casket at the farthest point from the entranceway.
When they are sure that cameras are on them, two ringside attendants raise the lid of the casket. Inside fifteen twelve-inch knives stick through the top, promising to dice the first unfortunate soul they close on. The grotesque object is shocking enough to put the crowd on edge. At the gruesome reveal, the lights cut out and a few dozen red fireworks go off. The embers reflect in the razor sharp blades, drawing more attention to their vicious edges. Flash photography seems to strobe against the knives.
As the last of the sparks die out, a spotlight hits the first ring, where Bonnie Jenkins is holding a microphone.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, the follow grudge match is over twenty-seven months in the making!
The Fox chants start early, with the audience reaching a fever pitch.
Bonnie Jenkins: IT IS A CASKET DEATH MATCH! The only way to win is to place your opponent in the casket, and FULLY close the lid on them. This casket match, has a one hour time limit – and is for the XHF X*Crown!!!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
More pyro goes off, the flames creating an X above the arena.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first... the challenger...
The arena lights cut. The fans cheer, expecting Tom Morello's guitar, but that's not what they get. The XHFtron comes to life, showing a sunny meadow of golden flowers. In the middle of the view stands a figure clad in a blue hoodie and black shorts, their face hidden by the raised hood and their gaze being at the ground.
?: It's a beautiful day outside.
Flash cut of Zoran stabbing Fox in the hand at the 2020 XHF Rumble.
?: Birds are singing.
Flash cut of Fox and Zoran holding each other at knife point backstage at End of Days 2020.
?: Flowers are blooming.
Flash cut of Zoran and Fox fighting at the 2022 Rumble.
?: On days like this, a man like you...
Flash cut of Zoran taunting Fox in the smashed up shark cage at GUNS.
?: Should be burning in Hell.
The field erupts into flames, the sky turning blood red as the figure lifts his head, the hood falling back to reveal Bloodied Fox, his face painted as a skull, albeit with the usual streak of red across the nose, his left eye glowing with blue fire.
Cut to black.
The opening chords of the Geoffrey Day cover of Megalovania slam into the speakers as the lights return to reveal Bloodied Fox now standing in the entrance way, dressed as he was in the video. To the roaring cheers of the fans, he heads down to rings.
Bonnie Jenkins: He stands at 5’9”, and weighs in at 196lbs, hailing from Reading, Berkshire, England...
Scar Vulp...
The Bloody Rainmaker...
BLOOOOOOOOOOODIED FOOOOOOOOOOOOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sliding into the nearest ring, he doesn't bother removing his hoodie, simply squatting to stare at where his opponent will emerge.
Hawke: I don’t think I’ve ever seen Fox looking this serious...
Zosty: That guy’s got rage issues.
Randy: Wait, where the hell did you come from? Hawke, am I the only one seeing them?
Hawke: We appear to have been joined by the OVN scab announce team.
Elfas: It’s a Christmas miracle! …In June.
Bonnie Jenkins: And the champion...
The Heavy's "Big Bad Wolf" blasts over the PA system.
#With Time Slipping Away#
#I Can't Say What I'll Do...#
#You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay#
#'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo#
#You Know Why?#
The arena is again plunged into darkness, before white spotlights search through the crowd - finally coming to a rest by the ramp. The flash of a blade draws attention to the entrance curtains, just as a scythe cuts them down. The X*Crown champion steps out into the arena, his appearance triggering a surge of pyro. Red and orange fireworks cast the middle age European in a light that is reminiscent of hell.
#Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
Rather than carry his 22 world titles around with him, The Final Boss has had a custom-made lapel pin to represent his XHF Overlord status. Against his black Armani suit, the small pin is a classy alternative to the ostentatious physical crown worn by the previous holder. It would almost be commendable if you weren’t sure the stones used in the pin cost more than the other straps combined.
#And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood#
Bonnie Jenkins: Standing at 6’1”, and weighing in at 242lbs, he comes to us from Belgrade, Serbia...
Der Kommissar...
That XHF Devil...
THE FINAL BOSSSSSSS...
ZORAAAAAAAAAAAN SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two sickles drop to the ground, attached to Zoran’s wrists by chains. As the music reaches a high point, the champion starts charging down the aisle, dragging the chains behind him. The sickles bump against the guardrails, causing sparks to fly, and audience members to step back.
#I SAID#
#AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#
Hawke: We saw those chains at the Rumble, when he basically executed Awesome-
Zosty: Releasing the God of War!
Elfas: ZORAN HAS ONCE AGAIN GONE FULL KRATOS!
As the sparks reach ringside, Fox leans forwards, anticipating the blade storm, while Bonnie Jenkins basically flees the ring.
Hawke: Right to the attack, the champion throwing those chain sickles at-
THUNK!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Crowd: MONSTER POP!
Twisting on his ankle, Fox turns his back to the assault – letting the sickles strike, rather than try to avoid them. The crowd lose their shit as the sickles slice through the hoodie only to bounce harmless off his back. The shredding of the garment, that Fox quickly tears off, reveals he has the Alepou Aegis shield strapped to his back.
Hawke: BLOODIED FOX USING HIS ALEPOU AEGIS TO BLOCK THOSE SICKLES!
Randy: That’ll go a long way to keeping him in one piece, unless until one of them eviscerates the other in that casket.
Elfas: Red sure is a festive colour.
Irked, the champion throws one of the chains around the top rope – using it as leverage to jump up to the apron, with all the grace of wire-fu. Having shown his hand, Fox hastens to move the shield from his back, wielding it with his right arm. Slingshotting himself over the top rope, Sainovic throws the left chain at his prey. Shifting, Fox bats it aside with the Alepou – but it provides the opening Sainovic needs to clear the gap.
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
Casket Death Match
Zoran Sainovic (c.) vs Bloodied Fox
DING! DING! DING!
Hawke: Both competitors in the ring – there’s the bell, and they are off!
Randy: There are so many sickles flying around the ring, it’s like I’m seeing double. More so than usual.
Sparks fly with every sickle shot that scrapes against the Aegis shield. Fox tries to put enough force behind the shield that the deflections hurt Sainovic’s wrists, but at the same time, he has his work cut out for him dodging the sickles the shield misses. Swinging one of the chains over his head like a helicopter to maintain ring control, Sainovic is looser with the left one, firing off one rapid shot after another.
Zosty: This is more like it – more gladiator than that wrestling crap.
Randy: Shouldn’t you be melting in a bucket?
Zosty: I’d kill for a bucket.
Hawke: I guess my colleague and me just aren’t sure what you add to this broadcast.
Elfas: Just like the last Oh Violent Night, we’re here to remind everyone about the spirit of Christmas.
As Elfas serenades Hawke with a high-pitched rendition of “O Holy Night,” in the ring an insanely violent struggle continues. Fox ducks under a vicious sickle shot, which catches the top rope behind him... and cuts it in two. A loud snap is heard as the rope splits, and flies apart. One of the cables catches Fox in the side; painful enough that he’s concerned a sickle has landed. No blood. Just a massive red welt. The momentary distraction is just the window Sainovic needs to fire off the overhead chain.
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Sidestepping the shot, and spinning with the momentum, Fox gets a foot on the chain, dragging it down to the canvas. Spitting mad, Zoran tries to pull the chain back, only for Fox to stand fast, pinning it to the canvas. With a swing that wraps the chain around his right arm to slope the shot, Sainovic fires off an arcing shot. Fox has no choice but to hop off the left chain, to avoid being perforated, but the force is such that the right sickle stabs directly into the canvas.
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As Zoran tries to pull the right sickle out, Fox charges forwards nailing the older man in the chest with the Alepou Aegis shield. The force knocks Zoran back into the corner, enough movement that the right chain goes tight, and the sickle cuts a three-foot slash across the canvas.
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Exploding with a rage that has built up since April 2020, Bloodied Fox charges into the corner with another hellacious shield bash! It’s all that Sainovic can do to dive out of the way. The shield connects with the far corner, hitting with such force that turnbuckle pad explodes into a mushroom cloud of shredded vinyl and white foam padding. The steel buckle bends, causing the middle ropes to fall slackly to the canvas. Zoran gives the damaged post a “fuck me, Fox is serious” look – before retrieving his stuck sickle.
Hawke: My god, what a shot!
Elfas: You know, it’s not polite to interrupt when folks are carolling. Ah, I can’t blame you, Hawke, what a super exchange!
The duel continues. Angry that he hasn’t gutted Fox, Zoran throws his sickles at a blinding pace. At the same time, the champion is also on the offensive, as one good shield bash could brain him. The Fox chants are deafening, as Bloodied Fox pivots away from chains, while swinging the Alepou Aegis shield with a murderous intent. The speed with which the two dodge and attack, is reminiscent of a bullet hell shooter. Viewers might look at the stars relatively pristine condition and suspect some cheat codes at play, but the sorry state of the ring is a testament to just how high stakes the exchanges are.
Hawke: Changing strategies – Sainovic wrapping a chain around the shield, only the leverage isn’t with him – and Fox manages to yank the chain loose!
Randy: That skinned Zoran’s wrist. First blood goes to Fox!
Crowd: Monster Pop!
Zosty: They aren’t very diplomatic.
Hawke: Audience firmly behind the challenger.
Sliding under a shield bash, Zoran rolls towards the end of his right chain – trying to retrieve it. The chain shakes, moving with the shield it’s wrapped around. Zoran is so busy trying to catch the tail; he doesn’t see the Aegis image coming from the right.
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Fox grazes Zoran on the side of the left temple with the Alepou Aegis shield. Though barely catching him, the force is enough to send Sainovic tumbling forwards. IF the champion loses this match, THIS is the moment he’ll claim he got his concussion.
Zosty: That’ll leave a coal-sized lump.
Hawke: A glancing blow, but that shield strike took Zoran down to his knees – and Fox moving in for the kill.
Randy: This has been a long time coming-
Out of desperation, Sainovic throws his left sickle. Fox casually sidesteps it, and then moves in for the kill. ...Only for the shield to stop a foot from Zoran’s head – the left chain has wrapped around the ring post for extra leverage, before encircling the shield. Dropping backwards, Sainovic starts yanking on the chain like his life depended on it. Fox tries to hold his ground, but as he’s dragged to the post, it’s all he can do to unfasten the shield to avoid having his arm broken.
Elfas: Fiddlesticks.
Hawke: His vision might well be blurred, but Zoran finding a way to disarm Fox.
The shield flying wide, it lands on the far side of the ring. Still on shaky legs, Zoran races to get to it first. Favouring his right arm, Fox runs towards it as well. Sainovic tries to reach down to retrieve his second chain, when Scar Vulp catches him from behind. Zoran throws back an elbow trying to shake his alleged protégé off, but the smaller Fox ducks it – then hoists up.
Hawke: Belly-to-back release overhead sup-
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Hawke: MY GOD!
Randy: HE JUST CRASHED THROUGH THE CANVAS!
Fox’s release suplex sends Zoran falling away from the shield, towards the part of the canvas the champion had sliced open with the sickle. No longer physically stable to support the older man’s weight, the canvas tears further, letting Zoran tear through – falling into the ring, and leaving a three foot hole where the impact occurred.
Fans making ECW chants are quickly sprayed down with mace.
Bloodied Fox approaches the dark hole.
Randy: I saw this in a promo; don’t go near that hole, Fox!
Hawke: Since when do you watch XHF promos, Randy?
Randy: I watch Zoran’s promos, because I’m concerned he’s trying to steal Super Sake’s market share, and to make sure he didn’t film them in my bedroom when I’m asleep.
Hawke: Look at mister professional over here. You’re right Randy, Fox is better avoiding that hole and hoping the champion bleeds out.
Elfas: No count outs in a casket match. He could wait down there till the reindeer come home.
Suddenly the left chain goes tight, and starts dragging the shield towards the pit. Diving for it, Fox pulls the Aegis back – freeing it from the left chain, which disappears into the hole. The right remains attached, leaving Zoran with only one weapon, which still has no place in a wrestling match. Fox again cautiously approaches the hole, having spent too many years getting to this match to play the waiting game.
Zosty: Disappearing into the ground, this is me every spring.
Hawke: Fox again approaching the hole-
Randy: This is a mistake-
Bloodied Fox suddenly jumps back, holding his foot in pain. Droplets of blood finally stain the mat. Where Fox had been standing, a sickle protrudes through the canvas.
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The semi-circular blade almost resembles a shark fin. Registering the impact on the canvas where Fox jumped too, the sickle starts gliding towards where the challenger is standing. Still favouring his cut right foot, Fox rolls to avoid a second slash. Following vibrations, Zoran switches directions too – leaving the canvas a shredded mass as stalks the man above him.
Hawke: Sainovic using that canvas as a cover, while trying to cut down Fox’s speed advantage.
Elfas: Slicing a few toes will do it.
Zosty: ...
Randy: ...
Hawke: ...
Elfas: ...Or so I’m told.
The shark like sickle continues to circle, while Fox is put through the ringer dodging it. As the canvas becomes increasingly unstable, Bloodied Fox finally jumps up onto the middle ropes. It’s prey gone, the sickle retreats back under the ring. Fox tries to look around at the many holes, trying to discern movement, only for the chain to fly up at him-
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Hawke: ANOTHER CHAIN SHOT!
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Swatting it aside with the shield, Fox dives off the ropes, driving the shield in the direction of the chains end-
#C-RASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH#
While already shreds by the time he landed, Fox’s flying Aegis attack is enough to pull the tattered canvas out from the frame, sending the entire mat crashing to the floor level. A mass of wood dust makes the effect look more apocalyptic.
Elfas: Can’t see a thing through this dust! Where is Rudolf when you need him?
Hawke: Fans, Bloodied Fox just took down the entire mat – essentially dropping the ring on Zoran.
Randy: Death from above. That is some old school burger time style action there.
Hawke: You have to think if the shield connected than this is over-
When the dust clears, Bloodied Fox slowly rises from some spare folded tables that he pulped when they broke his fall. Nasty slivers protruding from his abdomen. As bad as this looks, it’s not as bad as Zoran – who stands at the far corner, relatively unscathed from the crash... but his right cheek grotesquely expanded like a blowfish.
Randy: Is anyone else getting Secret of the Ooze, Super Shredder flashbacks?
Zosty: I was thinking it, but didn’t want to admit it.
Hawke: That early shield shot from Fox has clearly given Zoran an orbital bone fracture. He definitely needs medical attention.
Starring daggers at Fox, at least out of the eye that can open, Zoran howls with fury, and throws his sickle again. Fox again brings up his shield. The chain wraps around again, but Fox lets it drop – moving in for the kill.
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Before Zoran can react to retrieve the shield, Fox has snatched the curtain from the apron – and ducking under a forearm shot, wraps the apron around Zoran’s throat. Ducking another forearm, Fox then proceeds to circle the far ring post – bringing the apron tighter around Zoran’s throat. Jumping up onto the sad looking frame, Fox shoves his bloody foot into the corner post – cranking back on the curtain.
Hawke: FOX TRYING TO CHOKE SAINOVIC OUT, USING THE RING CURTAIN AGAINST THE POST!
Randy: The way Zoran’s right cheek is pulsating; it looks like his head might explode.
Zosty: Choke all you want, both these chumps seem to have forgotten this is a casket match.
Randy: It will be easier to move Zoran to the casket if he doesn’t have a head.
Fighting for a break, Zoran slaps down on the large wooden splinters sticking out of Fox’s abdomen. Again and again, until the blood is flowing like a faucet. No matter how many times Zoran strikes, Fox keeps pulling back. In hindsight, the shark cage was probably a step too far. The struggle does seem to shake the frame, however, and after the fifteenth clubbing blow...
#C-A-RRRRRRACK#
The apron that Fox is leaning on falls to the floor, and the disproportionate weight suddenly sends the post falling forwards-
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#THA-WAAAAAAAAAAACK#
Another cloud of wood dust fills the air.
Randy: If it was on life support before, THAT RING IS DEAD!
Elfas: That sure is sad.
Hawke: The frame shaken apart to the point where that far post just came crashing down.
The steel post lies on top of the chain wrapped shield, essentially pinning it to the ground. Even with his one eye, Sainovic can tell retrieving his chains is a lost cause. Both champion and challenger rolling out of the way of the heavy steel debris before impact, now find themselves on opposite sides of the broken ring.
With the weapons no longer at play, Sainovic gestures towards the second ring – closer to the horrific casket. Without missing a beat, Fox heads towards the second ring as well.
Zosty: It’s a good thing these ingrates have a second ring.
Elfas: Would you say it was-
Hawke: No.
Elfas: A chri-
Hawke: Stop that.
Elfas: A Christmas miracle?!
The two men stagger into the ring. At this point they both look ready to be buried, but without their dangerous weapons, at least it looks more like a wrestling contest.
Hawke: Both men struggling to stay on there feet, but I’m proud to say we’ve gotten to the wrestling portion of the match.
Randy: I didn’t think they had it in them.
Hawke: Despite their gallons of bad blood, at the end of the day these two are professionals. Meeting in the centre of the ring for a bow-and-collar tie up.
Randy: And they stabbed each other.
Hawke: And they stabbed each other, like professional WRESTLERS they don’t just- WHAT?
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No sooner have the two gotten within arms length, then they both produce knives out of seemingly nowhere.
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The fans cheer enthusiastically for Fox, who runs a knife into Zoran’s stomach...
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...at least they do until they realize that the knife has broken. The blade falling to the ground upon impact with Zoran’s rather expensive looking suit...
Hawke: Zoran Sainovic wearing slash proof clothing! That would definitely give him an advantage if he found himself thrown in that casket!
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The excitement of the crowd completely drops off, when they see where Zoran has stabbed. The blade up to the handle has entered Fox’s throat. It even takes Bloodied Fox a few moments to register that if he moves, he’ll probably die.
Zosty: And THIS show was sanctioned?
Hawke: They took it too far...
Randy: ...
After what feels like an eternity, Zoran pulls the blade out.
Surprisingly, there is no blood.
Smiling out of the side of his face he can still move, Zoran uses his thumb show that it's a fake blade that retracts, basically a children’s toy.
Hawke: If Fox wasn’t mad before-
Before Fox’s life can finish flashing before his eyes, Zoran takes the dull plastic end of his toy and SMASHES it into the bridge of Fox’s nose, using the red paint as a guide to reopen the old wound. As blood shoots out of Fox’s nose, the blinding pain is enough to make him stagger back.
Hawke: Cheap shot by Zoran may have broken Fox’s nose-
Zoran starts to make a snide joke, when Fox fires back with a palm strike – to the orbital bone fracture. Face swollen to the point that the skin was barely covering the throbbing muscles; this strike is all it takes to finally tear. The blood starts spurting out like a water sprinkler, similar to old Samurai movies. Trying to hold his face together with one hand, Zoran charges at Fox with a Pressure Point-
Hawke: PRESSURE POINT!
-Only for Fox to counter this blind charge with a drop toehold. Falling halfway through the middle ropes, Zoran throws out his hands to brace himself – narrowly avoiding going face first into one of the casket knives.
Elfas: That sure was a close one!
Hawke: Given how long the match has already gone, we finally have one of the competitors tease the casket. Another foot, and Zoran would be in a very bad way.
Randy: Even by Zoran and Fox’s standards that box is sadistic.
Hanging onto the foot, Fox stands up while holding an anklelock – trying to lead Zoran further through the ropes towards the open casket. The Final Boss is quick to put on the breaks, and answers this effort with a mule kick to the crotch – even as Fox tries to snap his ankle. A second mule kick gets the hold released. Reaching through the ropes, Zoran grabs Fox’s blood nose, and tries to pull him through the ropes towards the casket as well. Dropping down, Fox mounts Sainovic, both men awkwardly in the ropes, but doesn’t let that stop him from reigning down palm strikes on Zoran’s battered face. The pain is so intense, that Zoran starts to conscious slide towards the casket.
Hawke: Both men tied up in the ropes, almost in the casket, but Fox controlling with mounted palm strikes.
Randy: After the abuse his face is taking, I doubt anyone will mistake Pepe Morales for Zoran.
Zosty: The older one is trying to slither away, but there is nowhere to go but the grave.
The beating is such that Zoran’s head is leaning back into the casket – forcing Fox to lean over the ropes to continue the assault. On one downstroke, when Fox has leaned into the strike, Zoran yanks the top of the casket down. It doesn’t close, nor do the knives find their target – but the hard wood to the back of Fox’s head is enough to break the mount.
Hawke: Zoran with another Pressure Point, not as much force from his prone position, but it does connect. Knocks Fox off of him.
Randy: He might play it cool, but Zoran was QUICK to get away from that casket.
Both men in the ring, Sainovic lifts Fox up for a Balachko Clutch Suplex. Then grabbing him by the throat, hits the MOW DOWN – repeatedly smashing his head against the canvas, while crawling towards the far edge. Sliding out under the ropes, Zoran reaches under the ring for props.
Hawke: What is Sainovic looking for?
Elfas: I hope it’s presents.
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Crowd: MONSTER JEERS!
Zosty: I don’t get it – is he trying to signal he has an idea? Get a clue, asshole.
Randy: We saw this at Call to Arms. Pepe Morales did it to Psychotic Goth to put a smile on Fox’s face.
Hawke: SAINOVIC PLACING A LIGHTBULB IN FOX’S MOUTH, AND DUCT TAPING IT SHUT!!!
Randy: Now Zoran taking Pepe’s trick to put a Glasgow smile on Fox’s face.
Fox regains his senses just as the tape is applied.
Rolling away just as Zoran is about to smash the bulb with another pressure point.
Hawke: Fox on the run!
Elfas: Trying to pull the tape off to get the glass out before it shatters. I wish him well, Fox seems nice.
Randy: Fox having a hard time removing the tape because of how slippery his hands are with Zoran’s blood.
Sainovic goes for a closeline, but Fox matrixes under. An elbow drop almost connects with the taped face, but is also rolled away from. This chain wrestling threat of exploding glass mouth sequences continues around the ring, before Fox finally connects with a roundhouse head kick. Falling to the canvas Fox ALMOST lands on his head at an awkward enough angle to break the bulb himself. Fortunately the kick buys Fox the moment he needs to rip the tape off.
Hawke: Sainovic charging in, and Fox has the tape free-
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Hawke: FOX SPITS THE BULB INTO ZORAN’S FACE!!!!
Sadly, both men have the same idea-
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#SHATTER#
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Hawke: BOTH MEN WITH A HEADBUTT, LIGHTBULB EXPLODING BETWEEN THEM- AND NOW BOTH DOWN ON THE CANVAS AND OUT!
The Fox chants go up immediately, with the crowd trying to will their hero to revenge. No movement. Both men wear crimson masks that would redefine the Muta scale. The shards of glass in their foreheads reflecting the flash photography is the only signs of life.
Elfas: It can’t end in a draw-
Hawke: Because of the rules of the match?
Elfas: Because this is their rubberband match!
Hawke: How do you figure?
Elfas: Fox won the shark cage match, but apparently Zoran beat him for the junior title. They're tied 1-1.
Randy: Zoran was never Florida Man. That was just a head game to mess with Fox going into this match-
Hawke: How can you be so sure?
Randy: Because if a heavyweight won the junior title, then the match would be invalidated. If the match were invalidated then Fox would still be champion. Meaning that Florida, Sanderson, Charles, and Nelly’s title reigns weren’t real. And that could never happen. Because Nelly is scary.
The two hated enemies continue to lie in heaps. If this had been a regular contest, they would be well past their ten count.
Zosty: Hurry up! While we’re still solids!
Elfas: You can do it! You just have to believe!
Gurgling upright, presumable choking on some blood that oozed down his windpipe, a barely there Sainovic grabs Fox by the hair, and starts crawling the duo towards the casket. They are almost at the ropes when Fox shoves him off. Both on their knees, without the strength to stand fully up – the duo start to exchange shots.
Hawke: Both competitors digging deep – neither can stand, but still trading blows. What incredible drive!
Randy: It’s hate, Hawke.
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Though not as super as usual, Fox responds to one roundhouse right with a superman palm strike.
Randy: BLOODY REIGN!!!
Hawke: Zoran is down and out, and all Fox needs to do is shove him in that casket!
Randy: Nah, Fox has waited too long for this-
Wanting to make it official, Fox somehow manages to get up to his feet, and drags Zoran into-
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Bloodied Fox hits Zoran Sainovic with his cutthroat exploder variant.
Hawke: B4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randy: NEW CHAMPION!
With Sainovic is completely knocked out.
Randy: Fox pulling Zoran’s coat off?
Hawke: Removing that Kevlar coat, Bloodied Fox wants Zoran to feel this.
Fox starts to shove the X*Crown champion across the ring, towards the casket. Sainovic catches on the bottom rope, but he’s still unconscious. Grabbing the top rope, Fox uses it for leverage, pushing Zoran off the apron into the casket. Still out, Zoran falls in.
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Hawke: Zoran in the casket!
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Randy: Bloodied Fox closes the lid-
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Hawke: NO! Zoran gets a hand up to keep it from fully closing-
The tips of the knives are digging in, but Zoran manages to get a forearm up to keep the match going. Undeterred, Fox kneels on the lid, trying to force it down-
Elfas: Looks like he won’t take no for an answer. You have to admire Fox.
“GET OVER HERE!”
Though the casket is almost closed, there is enough space for a rope-attached kunai to shoot out, as part of Zoran’s Scorpion moveset.
Elfas: Well isn’t that neat-
The kunai hits its mark – the smallest member of the announce team. No sooner has the rope wrapped around Elfas, than Zoran Sainovic drags him into the corner of the casket, as a doorstop. Not seeing the tiny elf, Bloodied Fox continues to stomp away.
Hawke: ZORAN IS A MONSTER!
Zosty leaves the announce position as well, the evil snowman wouldn’t normally help but you see-
Zosty: He’s my ride-
Realizing that he needs more weight to finally get revenge on Sainovic, Fox spots the approaching snowman and lifts him onto the top of the casket. The extra weight doesn’t matter, as Elfas’ ribcage holds firm. With the irritable Snowman in place, Fox starts to stomp on the lid again – as much as his blood deprived wreck of a body can muster.
Hawke: Fox giving it his all to close the casket, but doesn’t realize what Zoran’s done!
At this point it is clear that Elfas is dead. However, anyone who was hoping he’d return for OVN3 shouldn’t fret – I’m sure Dylan will discover the elf is a Kane brother incapable of death, or bring him back as a cyborg.
Finally having a giant mass of melting ice next to him, causing Fox to slip. As he stumbles back onto the apron, a bloodied Sainovic throws the lid open. Zosty splashes forwards, while Elfas falls to the floor.
Hawke: The scab commentary team are free of the casket, and Fox is on the apron. Zoran doesn’t look good for his time in there, but without fully closing it didn’t hit any major organs-
Fox greets Sainovic with a penalty kick! The force sees Zoran teasing falling back into the lid of knives, before slumping forwards. Looking to take the last life out of him, Fox hooks the neck planning to plant Sainovic in the casket with a snap dragon suplex.
Hawke: FOX TRAP SUPL- reversal- ZORAN LOCKS ON THE CONDITIONIZER!
Arm wrapped around Fox’s throat, Sainovic falls back with his rolling guillotine choke.
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Only there is nowhere to roll except into the casket, and that space is so cramped as to make the move extremely dangerous. With every twist, the lid threatens to close on both of them.
Hawke: BOTH MEN IN THE CASKET!
Oddly, Sainovic stops the rotations when he’s on the bottom – this move becomes clearer, when he starts trying to close the lid on both men.
Randy: Zoran pulling the lid down on both of them! A draw would let him keep the strap, but more importantly, it will never close with that much wrestler in it.
Hawke: He’s just pulling the knife board that makes up the top, down into Fox’s back- and Fox is fighting, but it’s an awkward angle to defend against!
Throwing an elbow back, Fox manages to keep the knives from going in too deep – but he is clearly between a devil and a sharp place. With one arm barely keeping him from getting disembowelled, Fox uses his free hand to strike away at Zoran’s broken orbital bone. Zoran has a high tolerance to pain, but eventually the amount of blood on both men causes the choke to slip off. Rather than make the situation better, it instead frees up Zoran’s arm to trade shots of his own.
Hawke: Both men in the casket, rolling around, trying to keep the lid up while exchanging shots and jockeying for position.
Randy: Both men are just DRENCHED in blood, if one of them wasn’t substantially older and larger, I wouldn't be able to tell the two bloody figures apart.
Hawke: You also aren’t great with faces on account of the drinking.
Randy: That’s fair.
Another double headbutt causes the lid to close in a way that makes both men take a knife to the kidney. That hurt. Spurting blood, they seem to come to the realization that they can’t keep this up.
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Throwing the lid back, the two men start to crawl up on their knees. They continue to throw vicious punches to pulped faces, but the exhausted shots don’t have as much strength behind them, and frankly they seem to be holding each other up.
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Struggling back up to their feet, they continue to stand in the coffin. Possibly unable to step out. They lean against one another for support, while still throwing fists. Despite the lack of strength, each punch seems like it will be the last – and the audience are on the edge of their seats.
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Suddenly they both hit right hooks at the same time...
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And they both slip in the puddle of blood at the bottom of the casket.
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One falls out hard to the concrete floor, while the other tries to catch their balance with the lid. It doesn’t end well.
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Randy: MEDIC!
Hawke: HE DID IT!
DING! DING! DING!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match…
Pause for dramatic effect. And for making me code this monstrosity.
Bonnie Jenkins: AND STIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLL XHF X*CROWN CHAAAAAAAAAMPIOOOON! ZOOOOOOOOOOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!
Hawke: I can not believe it. What a match. What a war. These two spilled literally everything on the floor for the X*Crown!
Randy: And that bastard Zoran walks out still a champion.
A dozen paramedics are on the scene, looking incredibly serious as they try to transplant Fox from the casket to a stretcher without severing an artery. In just as bad a shape is the champion, but since he's conscious, Zoran props himself up with the ropes to gloat.
Zoran Sainovic: ...Fox... friendly.... word... of advice... NEXT TIME... I _only_ stab you... consider it a kindness... and just let is slide- we didn't... need to... make zis a zing.
The crowd cheer. Is Zoran finally getting through to them?
Nope, Steve Awesome cheap shots him from behind.
Before he knows what is happening, Sainovic is knocked face first into the casket. Fox may have done all the work, but it doesn't stop Steve from slamming the lid shut.
Pushing back the paramedics, Awesome reaches down and PADLOCKS the casket shut. Officials asking him not to just encourage Awesome to toss the key into the crowd, a keepsake for a lucky fan.
Randy: I don't think Mongo buying the rights to the Pillars' indy spotfest was a good idea.
Hawke: Yeah but it's all about the buys. And with the events tonight shaking the XHF to its core, we're bounds to get tons of clicks after this show.
Randy: If you say so.
Hawke: I know so, because I'm Hawke, you're Randy, and this has been. OH VIOLENT NIGHT 2!