Palm Springs Punishment 2022
Jul 9, 2022 19:17:47 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer and Visit Neom like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on Jul 9, 2022 19:17:47 GMT -5
Open on the Palm Springs’ fans at Hardkore Hall, holding signs that say “My Boy Kilroy”, “If AVB Wins, We Riot”, a giant photo of Natalie Burrows, “Give Kilroy The Button!!”, “I Didn’t Tell My Wife How Long This Show Is”, a UK flag, ,“Someone Should Hose Down MXG’s Cage When It's Over”, “Rat Boy”, and “Marty+” in the Disney+ logo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to Palm Springs Punishment 2022! Our first PPV in ten years! This is the last time we will be in the historic Palm Springs Convention Center before we expand to the Acrisure Arena. The new Hardkore Hall.
Phillip Blauer: Why are we back here? It’s 115 with humidity! So many people passed out waiting to get in that we had to set up a triage in the parking lot.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, in one of the most Hardkore World’s most historic matches in the past 20 years, we find out who is the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion; Alexander Von Blankenship or Syberus?
Phillip Blauer: This will be looked back on for countless years, so I made sure to look my best.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Are…are you wearing make-up?
Phillip Blauer: It’s called a glow up, Geraldo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then it’s an old fashioned LA Freeway match. Two cars in the ring, The Sheik and Kilroy, no ropes, and no mercy. Malcolm Xavier Graves will be suspended above the ring in a shark cage. The winner of the match will get the button to bring him down. Kilroy and The Sheik will be able to use those two cars to disfigure one another however they want to until one of them is pinned.
Phillip Blauer: Really a dereliction of duty with the safety of our performers here tonight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and Kilroy Evans have asked for this match, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I’m talking of course, about allowing a pro wrestling crew suspend anyone over the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, that. Well, Rocky Valentine Jr. seems to have it all under control.
An HMI light falls on from the ceiling and crashes down on their table. Phil and Guillermo both stare at it horrified.
Rocky Valentine Jr.: Woops, let me get that. Mercury must be in retrograde, you know?
Rocky collects the heavy, broken light from their table
Phillip Blauer: He’s a good egg though.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sure. Then we have the Reedy Creek Rules match, the only kind of match Marty would agree to to settle this feud with Natalie Burrows that goes back decades.
Phillip Blauer: (rubbing hands together) I’m excited to see who they dress as. My vote is for the 7 foot bear from Song of the South. The first victim of cancel culture. He represents a nostalgic valentine to a past long forgotten because it didn’t really exist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan is trying everything to throw Natalie off her game, making her jump through all these hoops to get to him. One wonders if it will be enough to allow him the victory. Then we have a dream match between two of the top cruiserweights of the past decade, battling it out in Hardkore World’s biggest show of the year.
Phillip Blauer: And we only have 1,500 paid??
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s an intimate venue, Phil. Then it’s a clash of two of Hardkore World’s most decorated wrestlers in it’s history. Andrew Karnage vs. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar.
Phillip Blauer: You know, I had one of his action dolls lying around when the cook’s son was visiting, so I gave the little tyke one. He left all the swords out and when I sat down I got a katana right up my shuriken!
A rimshot is heard off camera. The shot widens to show the Hardkore World intern Andy Valentine Jr. seated in front of the drum kit next to the announce table
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Andy. That’ll be all.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s just gonna leave that there?
Phillip Blauer: He’s not ring crew, Gorgonzola, that’s Donnie Valentine Jr.
“Savage” by Megan Thee Stallion and Beyoncé plays and the fans jump to their feet. “Sexy” Anjanette Turner jogs down the ring, slapping fans hands and then sliding in to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: In San Diego, Anjanette Turner went to a thrilling time limit draw with Andrew Karnage in the first round of the Hardkore West Coast Championship tournament. Now she looks to put her 27 years of experience on the line against Poena, The Sanctified here tonight to open up Palm Springs Punishment 2022! Despite being Jonnie Valentine’s wife, she has has asked for no special treatment and wants to earn everything on her own.
Phillip Blauer: Still no word on my foot bath. I’m sure she’s just going through all the summer time off requests first.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This has been a lucky town for Anjanette. He first match here back in 1995, she defeated Ms. Alexandria Macabre for her first of five Hardkore World Women’s Championships. 10 years later, in 2005, she beat Horror Girl for the same belt.
Greg Jin: “Hello Ladies and Gentleman, and welcome to Hardkore Hall and Palm Springs Punishment 2022!!”
The Palm Springs fans roar and start chatting “HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!”
Greg Jin: “Our first match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, from Las Vegas, Nevada; She Stands 5 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 180 pounds; She is the only five time Hardkore World Women’s Champion…’SEXY’ ANJANETTE TURNER!!!”
Hardkore Hall lets out a deafening pop for the beloved Sexy Anj then a voice comes over the Palm Springs Convention Center
Nisi per dolorem potest salvari...
Phillip Blauer: Jumping Jehosaphat! Who said that?
The lights go pitch back as the eerie bells and words fill Hardkore Hall. Each time the choir sings, red spotlights blaze down, revealing Poena standing at the top of the ramp, a black silhouette with his arms raised out to the sides with his palms and face up to the heavens.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We saw the decimation of longtime veteran Flamboyant Red in Coachella by this Poena, The Sanctified.
Phillip Blauer: You watch those TV tapings?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Of course, you don’t?
Phillip Blauer: For free? Yeah, why don’t I do Jonnie’s laundry while I’m at it?
As the music picks up the red spotlights stay on him as he lowers his arms and walks toward the ring holding his twisted rosary, made of teeth and bone with a dagger for a cross, in his hands as if praying as he walks down the ramp, his crazed smile breaking out into an even crazier grin as he does.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena is a follower of a religion only spoken about in whispers, that is based on the concept of pain and suffering being the only way to reach salvation.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, so he’s Catholic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil…
Phillip Blauer: Well, I told you I don’t watch the cockamamie TV tapings. What time are they on, anyway?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pretty late. Based on what I’ve seen in Fireside and Tapout, he’s a sadistic madman who is a technical wrestling savant.
Poena rolls into the ring as the spotlights turn to brightest white, going to his knees in the same pose he held on the ramp with the rosary clenched in his right hand, whispering a silent prayer to himself and yelling “REPENT!” to the heavens before smirking at the crowd and getting up to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena has said that he is here to sanctify Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t I do that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re thinking of being sanctimonious.
Phillip Blauer: That’s the one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He wants to start with the popular five time Hardkore Women’s Champion “Sexy” Anjanette Turner to show the fans what they can expect from his campaign of violence.
Greg Jin: “And her opponent is from The Ninth Deep; He Stands 6 feet tall and 190 pounds; The Dark Savior, The Master Of Digital Manipulation, The Demon of the Ninth Deep…POENA, THE SANCTIFIED!!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo loudly while Poena has a deranged smile on his face, staring at “Sexy” Anjanette Turner
One Fall, 30 Minute Time Limit
"Sexy" Anjanette Turner vs. Poena, The Sanctified
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Poena moves in on Anjanette, and hits her in the chest with a chop. Another one backs her into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified shoots her into the ropes and then puts her down with a running shoulder tackle.
Poena stomps her elbow, getting a loud heel pop from the audience. He straightens Turner’s arm out and then stomps on her fingers. Anj screams and pulls back her hand to her body
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena picks her up for a uranage, but Turner elbows her way out of it. She spins into a roundhouse kick that takes Poena off his feet!
Palm Springs Convention Center cheers and “Sexy” Anjanette Turner applies a reverse chinlock. She locks her hands together and grinds her arm along Poena’s jawline
Guillermo O’Bannon: The veteran Anjanette Turner slowing things down here. She flattens out her body to put more pressure on the back of Poena’s head. Turner wrestling in this building for the first time since Palm Springs Punishment 2006 when she successfully defended her Hardkore World Women’s Championship in a fourway ladder match against Tamara Sanchez, Tracee Nguyen, and Jane Tyyra.
“Sexy” Anjanette Turner converts it into a dragon sleeper with an armlock. She peels back on Peona’s head, while cranking back on his arm as well. The fans applaud.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena now trying to fight his way to his feet. He twists out into a suplex position, lifts Turner up but then just drops her on her back in a free fall with the money clip!!
The cheers turn to jeers as Poena stares at her lying on the mat. Poena goes down and laces her arm behind his head and applies an arm trap crossface, making the fans boo even louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified planting those feet and pushing off to bend her head and trapped arm.
Poena sticks his tongue out to the camera, while trying to break Turner’s neck and shoulder. He finally releases it and kneedrops the back of her shoulder, and then rolls Anj onto her back. Poena steps out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: A beautiful slingshot senton by Poena, The Sanctified!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anjanette Turner kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena twists Anj’s arm and then brings it down across his shoulder with an armbreaker!
Turner clutches her elbow, holding it close to her body. Poena irish whips Anjanette into the corner, and then spins into a discus corner clothesline but Anj catches him with a flatliner into the turnbuckle!! The fans let out an “OH!!” at the impact of Poena’s face into the turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Sexy” Anjanette Turner grabs him by the hair and bashes his face into the turnbuckle again.
Poena staggers out of the corner, as Anjanette steps up on the second turnbuckle. He turns around and gets caught with a helicopter rana!! Hardkore Hall chants “SEXY ANJ! SEXY ANJ! SEXY ANJ!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Turner applies a stepover toehold. She wrenches that knee to the side, twisting his leg.
Richie Richardson checks in to see if Poena wants to give up, but he shakes his head. Poena contorts his body until he dragon screws his way out of the stepover toehold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena scoops her up into a gutbuster, then steps over her arm into a kneeling armbreaker. He pulls up on her wrist, using his 190 pounds to sit on the back of her arm trying to hyperextend that elbow.
The Palm Springs Convention Center boos as the camera pushes in on Poena’s wide and crazed eyes. One is red, bloodshot, and twitching while the other is a mesmerizing sight of slowly shifting colors and points of light almost like a nebula
Phillip Blauer: Our director Danny Valentine Jr. doesn’t need to do any further push ins on that man’s eyes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified releases her arm for a second, then steps on the back of her shoulder, stepping down into a stomping armbreaker.
Poena yells “REPENT!!” and gets a huge wave of heckling in return. He gets underneath a rising Turner and drops her on the back of her head with a snap backdrop suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena slumps her over the ropes and applies a rope assisted manji-gatame tarantula. He pulls back on her arm while straddling those ropes and pushing her head down with his leg.
Richie Richardson gives him the count to break and gets up to seven.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has a five count to break it.
Phillip Blauer: What is this? Europe??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena shoots her into the ropes and comes with a lariat, but “Sexy” Anjanette ducks and takes him into the ropes and back into a backroll press!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Poena kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Sexy” Anjanette Turner goes to pull him up by the hair but Poena blows a turquoise mist in her eyes!!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos as the 5 time Hardkore World Womens’ Champion staggers around the ring, blinded until she falls into a sitting position. Poena steps over Turner and laces his legs over her shoulders and then sits on the back of her head, with her arms locked in the up position in his hypernormalisation submission
Guillermo O’Bannon: Penance! Poena locks his hands together and rocks back on that aching shoulder of Anjanette!
Richie Richardson checks in to see if she taps out and she is forced to give up!! The bell rings and the fans boo as "Malleus Maleficarum” by Peter Gundrey plays. Poena released Penance and giggles as Richie raises his arm
Greg Jin: “At 8 minutes 23 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…POENA, THE SANCTIFIED!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena came into this match looking to make a statement, and he certainly did that with a big win in his first match over “Sexy” Anjanette Turner.
Phillip Blauer: He definitely reminded me to make a stop at church this Sunday. Something about his crazed eyes and bottomless sadism has me nostalgic for a sermon.
Poena, The Sanctified makes eye contact with every booing fan as he walks up the aisle back to the locker room
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified is one to watch in Hardkore World in the coming months. The eventual champions would do well to keep an eye on him.
Phillip Blauer: As well as the proper authorities.
***commercial***
Ronnie, The Merch Guy, a grizzled New York merchandise mover standing in front of cheap green screen that has Hardkore World highlights playing behind him
Ronnie, The Merch Guy: Well, hello there. Ya know, I get asked all the time. “Ronnie. A wrestling shirt is appropriate for any occasion. Weddings, job interviews, anythin! But what about when I’m trying to pitch woo if ya knows what I mean?” And now we have our answer, from JonTech to our very boudoirs. This is the new Komar Kimono! Dress just like “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar does in dis 100% pure faux silk number that cries out “Take me, before the picture in picture commercial break is over.”. Lemme tell you this is hand stitched by child labor in some godforsaken country in a way that frankly puts our good for nuttin kids to shame. Lie about your abode with nothing else on but a decadent silk kimono in colors made by highly toxic chemicals that may or may not eventually seep in your skin and have been shown to cause lobster hands in newborns.
Ronnie, The Merch Guy: If that ain’t your bag, we got deez Kilroy red vests that look like the one Lowe’s employees wear.
Ronnie holds it up with pride
Ronnie, The Merch Guy: See? It’s got his little name where the Lowe’s should be. No? He did a promo at a Lowe’s a couple months ago and it took a while to get them made and what are ya gonna do? Eh? Please buy em, cause the Lowe’s people say they’re gonna sue.
Ronnie puts down the Kilroy vest
Ronnie, The Merch Guy: Ever say to yourself, “I wanna become a tea guy but I’m an uncultured American who don’t know his ass from Earl Grey?” Syberus to the rescue with Syberus’ own “The American’s First Tea Set”. It’s got everything in here, ya got your teas. Your cups. Your little spoons. Look at that thing. I wanna feed Stuart Little soup with this thing after a bad day. So visit HardkoreShop.com to see what your lookin to spend. And remember, don’t wash the shirts alot because they ain’t that well put together.
Fade back to Hardkore Hall where two elderly men in clown facepaint are standing in the ring with an oversize check. Greg Jin stands in the center of the ring
Phillip Blauer: And now, Now the local chapter of Juggalos will present a scholarship to a local rapscallion.
Slappy 1 Nut: Hello, we are the Palm Springs Juggalos Chapter #1534.
Lil FuckAzz: Two scoops of the Woot!
A scattered reaction from both out and closeted juggalos in the crowd
Lil FuckAzz: Tell ‘em why your name is Slappy 1 Nut!
Slappy 1 Nut: War is hell, kids. Now, we are here to present the local Palm Springs Juggalos Chapter #1534 Great Melinko scholarship award to the high schooler who exhibits the most juggalation. So let me present, the Ninja of the Year, Big Baby!
A teen in clown paint comes out and waves at the fans who cheer him. Slappy 1 Nut and LilFuckAzz pose with the check and then leave the ring.
Then "Cayenne" from Final Fantasy 6 plays and the fans cheer as “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar walks down to the ring wearing his “Deathstryke” t-shirt available at HardkoreShop.com, with a ponytail with a lead ball at the end.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In San Diego, Cyan Komar defeated Blaze Freya to advance to the threeway dance between Natalie Burrows and The Sheik in Los Angeles as well as picking up a win over Bella in Coachella.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, you’re a poet and was not aware of it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But now he’s taking on the powerhouse Andrew Karnage, who can end a match as quick as a flash with that Nightmare Lariat. But the much more experienced Cyan Komar knows the human body, joints, and ways to hurt you like no other competitor I’ve ever seen.
Phillip Blauer: No kidding. He’s got moves only he can wake you up from. He’s wrestling’s Conrad Murray!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar says Karnage and Kilroy Evans' run in Hardkore America occurred because Final Contract had been de-emphasized by "The Brain" Allen Anderson. Komar has been on a roll lately, and a win over a guy like Andrew Karnage at Palm Springs Punishment 2022 could put him in a number of conversations.
Phillip Blauer: Still, I’m not feeling that shirt. He needs an official Komar Kimodo!
Greg Jin: "The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds…’DEATHSTRYKE’ CYAN KOMAR!!!”
The fans give him a mild pop
The funky bass line of "Death By Suplex" by Powered Wig Machine starts up and the lights in Hardkore Hall flicker in time to the pulsing beat, golds and blues. When the lyrics start up, Andrew Karnage walks out with a half-smile on his face to a roaring crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lost to Alexander Von Blankenship in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship tournament, and then went to a time limit draw with “Sexy” Anjanette Turner in the first round of the Hardkore West Coast Championship tournament, but now he needs to get in the willing column tonight here against “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar.
Andrew Karnage idly slaps hands with the fans as he walks to the ring, and slides under the bottom rope and throws up a sign language K to the roar of the crowd.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Hurricane, Utah; Standing 6 feet 5 inches tall; Weighing 263 pounds, …ANDREW KARNAGE!!!”
Huge pop from the Palm Springs fans as Karnage locks eyes with Cyan Komar
One Fall, 30 Minute Time Limit
Andrew Karnage vs. "Deathstryke" Cyan Komar
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and Karnage and Komar circle one another. Karnage puts out his hand, and Komar looks at it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar shakes Karnage’s hand.
Phillip Blauer: Jolly good.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They lock up in a collar and elbow tie up and Cyan Komar takes Karnage over in a fireman’s carry, and then applies a headlock.
The fans chant “Kar-nage! Kar-nage! Kar-nage!” as Komar tries to wear down the bigger man with the headlock. Karnage fights his way to his feet and tries to pick him up for a backdrop driver, but Komar puts a stop to that by clamping down on the headlock harder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Komar drills Karnage’s skull into the mat with a headlock driver!
Komar waits for Karnage to rise and and then whacks him with a knife edge chop to the chest to get a “Woo!” out of the crowd. He smacks Karnage with another one that backs him up, but Andrew comes back with a forearm blow to the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar responds with a knife edge finger jam to his throat. Karnage with another clubbing forearm.
Phillip Blauer: Katy, bar the door! We got a pier six brawl.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another forearm by Karnage, and Komar hits him in the chest with an open palm strike. He goes for another, but Karnage grabs his arms and begins striking him with muy thai knees to his midsection.
Andrew Karnage grabs Komar by the ponytail, leans back, and hits him with a big headbutt that knocks Cyan Komar to the mat and gets a big pop from the crowd! Karnage grabs Komar’s leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage sits back on the single leg, trying to hyperextend Cyan Komar’s knee. He plants his foot on the side of Komar’s face! The last Palm Springs Punishment that Andrew Karnage was in was 12 years ago in 2012, when he wrestled “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan in a match to win his freedom when he was Marty’s slave.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, the good old days. When slavery reigned in pro wrestlng.
The Palm Springs fans cheer as Karnage grinds the heel of his boot into the back of Cyan Komar’s head. Kelly O’Connell asks Komar if he wants to give up but he shakes his head. Cyan Komar twists himself until he returns to his back, and then rolls back onto his feet, but Andrew Karnage hangs onto Komar’s boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar spins into a roundhouse kick, but Andrew Karnage blocks it. Komar responds with a roundhouse kick from the other direction!
The crowd lets out a collective “OH!” at the way Komar’s kick connected. Cyan Komar irish whips Karnage and catches him with a corkscrew dropkick that pops the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Komar climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Andrew Karnage to get to his feet. He dives off with a knife edge thrust that catches Karnage right in the throat!
Karnage sits up, clutching his throat, trying to breathe in vain. He gets to his feet, still holding his esophagus but Komar flips over the top of him to catch him with a diamond cutter!! The Palm Springs fans cheer
…ONE!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar full nelson suplexes Andrew Karnage!
Andrew Karnage no-sells it to the roar of the crowd and grabs Cyan Komar in a full nelson of his own
Phillip Blauer: It appears Andrew Karnage would like to speak to the manager.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage drops back into a dragon suplex!
…ONE!
…Cyan Komar rolls his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage rolls “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar up into a rear waistlock and drops back into a german suplex with a perfect bridge!
…ONE!
..TWO!
…Cyan Komar gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage rolls him back up into a half nelson hammerlock and then snaps backwards into a tiger suplex! Death By Suplex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cyab Komar rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage lifts Cyan Komar up into a suplex, and then drives him down onto his face with a gourdbuster!
Komar rolls around on the mat, holding his face and kicking his toes in the mat. Karnage pulls him up by the ponytail, but Cyan hits him with a knuckle strike to his thoat! Karnage clutches his throat, and Komar irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mute Strike! And now “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar catches Andrew Karnage with a huracanrana with a cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage has barely enough time to get to his feet before Cyan Komar comes crashing down on the back of his head with an ax kick!
“Deathstryke” Cyan Komar gets on top of Karnage and hits him in the face with some open hand palm strikes. Komar pulls him up into a suplex but the bigger man blocks it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lifts him up into a suplex but just leaves him up there for a while!
The Palm Springs fans applaud at the feat of Karnage leaving “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar up there so long. After a while, Andrew Karnage motions for more applause from Hardkore Hall and gets it. He finally drops to the mat, and Komar sits up with his back arched in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage laces his leg behind Komar’s neck and arm in a stranglehold gamma. He sits low so he can crank back on Cyan Komar’s arm, and put pressure on the back of his neck.
Andrew Karnage presses down on his head, tucking Komar’s chin into his chest. He finally releases the stranglehold gamma and pulls Cyan Komar up by his ponytail. Karnage irish whips Komar into the corner, but Deathstryke runs up the corner and comes back with a roundhouse kick that pops the crowd
Phillip Blauer: What a splendid karate thing!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar applies a claw. He presses the palm of his hand into Karnage’s forehead with that powerful hand of his, while pressing his temples in with his pinky and thumb.
Karnage groans in pain while Komar uses his left hand to hold his right wrist, steadying the pressure. Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Andrew Karnage submits but he shakes his head. Then she notices that Karnage’s shoulders are down.
…ONE!
…Karnage gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar hangs onto that claw and forces Andrew Karnage’s shoulders back to the mat.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Andrew Karnage gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage works his way back up to his feet, and hammers Komar with forearms until he is free of that claw. Komar responds with an open palm strike to his nose!
Andrew Karnage goes down to one knee, and Cyan Komar tags him in the side of the head with a shining wizard! The Palm Springs fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sound of the kick, and Komar steps up the ropes to the top turnbuckle. Cyan Komar backflips into a moonsault double stomp to Karnage’s chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sternum Buster!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out!
The fans cheer as Karnage pulls himself up by the ropes. The Palm Springs fans chart “KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!!” He feeds off their energy and uses it to pump himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage turns around into Cyan Komar who throws a fireball in his face!!!
The Palm Springs fans gasp as Karnage drops to the mat, holding his face and stomping his heels into the mat in agony.
Phillip Blauer: I could feel the heat back here! I think it melted some of my make up.
The fans are stone silent as Komar covers him, the only sound in Hardkore Hall is Kelly O’Connell making the count
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Cayenne" from Final Fantasy 6 plays and the fans boo as Karnage flops around the mat, screaming and holding his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: I cannot believe Cyan Komar threw fire at Andrew Karnage, a man he’s known for 20 years.
Phillip Blauer: Bet those Cyan Komar action figures are going to be half price tomorrow.
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 56 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’DEATHSTRYKE’ CYAN KOMAR!!!”
“Deathstryke” Cyan Komar stands in the ring, emotionlessly watching Andrew Karnage’s torment. Then the jeers turn to cheers suddenly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans, Natalie Burrows, Tuxedo Mask, and “Sexy” Anjanette Turner run down to the ring to rescue their friend who is danger of going blind!
Kilroy pours water onto some towels and then Natalie presses them to Karnage’s face. His screams are muffled through the towels and the boos, and Cyan Komar backs away from the ring, seemingly shocked he burned Karnage himself. Kilroy goes after Cyan Komar who dives to the apron, while still stoically backing up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy threatening “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar who had recently been marketed to children as a family friendly wrestler has shocked those in attendance and watching at home on pay per view with his sadism and callous indifference.
Phillip Blauer: Just like Komar said, Kilroy is real tough when "Knife Edge" Takeda Yokosuda isn't around.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Komar now goes from this to a monastary to find out what happened to his family and kill those responsible.
Phillip Blauer: That's alot to have on your plate. No wonder he tried to wrap this up so quickly.
Hardkore Hall chants “KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!!” as Karnage lies on the mat and is tended to by Hardkore World head medical technician Andy Valentine Jr. Kilroy Evans steps through the ropes, but Cyan Komar ducks out to the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hopefully Andrew Karnage is able to come back from this.
Phillip Blauer: Hopefully Andy Valentine Jr. is able to help him. I believe his previous occupation before his Uncle Jonnie’s generous promotion was a lifeguard at Knott’s Soak City.
(The camera opens on the great Syberus. The best wrestler to have ever graced the face of the earth. This generation. Last generation. Ultra4k. VHS. Ancient slate carvings. What? Oh yes. Ancient slate carvings foretold the arrival of the great Syberus. The great Syberus sits atop a mountain, no – hovers over the mountain, levitating, his eyes glowing yellow sun beams, his hair cracking with lightning. With the moon as a footstool, with a crown of galaxies, he sits on a throne of stars.)
Syberus, in a deep booming voice that explodes heads. We apologise for any inconvenience caused to anyone that has suffered from head explosion: “BEHOLD!”
“Alexander Von Blankenship.”
“Always Very Blessed.”
“You are indeed. Because tonight, your jaw will be blessed enough to be broken by the great Syberus's mighty fist. Your spine will be blessed by the great Syberus's knees. Your face will be blessed with the great Syberus's teabag.”
“FOUR TIMES HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF HARDKORE WORLD!!”
“That means you lost it four times, you say.”
“Yes, excellent. Excellent. I'm happy to hear that you are able to count. It is unfortunate I will soon be robbing you of that capability when I put your head through the ring.”
(Clouds gather at Syberus's feet forming stairs that allow him to descend to the ground, and his eyes and hair settle to normal as he climbs down. A pair of Cherubs fly a silk robe for him to wear and another brings an espresso.)
Syberus: “Thank you Galadrios, Jesophindrem, Alan.”
(They fly away.)
Syberus: “Your whole shtick is that I'm outdated – well, that anyone that isn't you is outdated more to the point. I get that you spend most your days in a Red Bull comedown crying self obsessed rants on Discord to your echo chamber, so the part where I mentioned coming back and winning a world title again just the other day probably slipped by you. World. Heavyweight. Champion. Just. The. Other. Day. Me and my best friend Jonnie Valentine did revolutionary stuff to win the Anzac Cup and prove that, unfortunately for you, true quality in this game doesn't diminish just because you're old enough to still have a Facebook page.”
“I've heard people claim to be ever-evolving over and over in this business. Same shit. Different decade. And unfortunately for you the squared circle still consists of the same canvas and ropes it always has. So tonight, the only way you get out of here without life altering injuries is if you evolve wings and fly out the fucking window. I am the great Syberus.”
(He walks past a harem of angels.)
Syberus:“Tonight is Palm Springs Punishment! Tonight IS HARDKORE WORLD! And don't get me wrong, it's fitting that this isn't just a tribute show and we have the new blood taking on the legend. It's great, it really is. You claim to be the hot new property in professional wrestling. And I know there'll be a generation of young fans that listen to the podcast you do every time you take a shit, that genuinely think you're the best there is. So, I think I should probably thank you if anything, for giving me the opportunity to correct them.”
“I'm going to flip you with a snapmare so hard you'll just keep spinning in the air over and over in a levitating wheel until your brain goes into your feet. We will have to wait a while for the momentum to bring you back down but thanks to your Arby's sponsorship we will have sandwiches.”
“I'm going to just keep doing back breakers over and over again until my knee eventually just erodes you away entirely through the middle and you actually fall in half”.
(Syberus nods acknowledgement to Zeus as they pass each other.)
Syberus: “But in all honesty your Arby's deal is a nice gig man, and it's cute that you're excited, I too remember my first corporate deal... and if you stay in the business as long as I have Alex, believe me, they just get bigger and better”.
(On cue Ronnie the Merch Guy appears chewing a cigar.)
Ronnie the Merch Guy: “Dat reminds me. Don't get too messed up tonight you've got dat Lithuanian sausage ad tomorrow.”
Syberus: “Kiek mėsos yra per daug mėsos? Nedaug. Tu esi kvailas!”
Ronnie the Merch Guy: “Poifect! Ya gonna be a stah over there kid!”
Syberus: “But Alex, let me ask you a question- who do you think ensured you got that prestigious sandwich sponsorship in the first place?”
[The camera switches to Paul Brown, CEO of Arby's, on the phone alone in this office. The tag line of the scene reads “several days ago”.]
Paul Brown: “Is the deal done?”
Voice on the other end: “It is done.”
[Without saying another word Paul Brown puts the phone down. He pours himself a whiskey and walks over to the window of his office looking out into the night sky. He sips his whiskey and starts to chuckle]
Paul Brown: Eheheh...
Ahaahahaha...
Hahahah....
[He rips off his silicone face mask to reveal Syberus underneath.]
Syberus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
[Lightning flashes outside and we return to the main scene.]
Syberus: “Tonight I feel the siren call of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. It's just in my reach! I can... I can feel it! I can feel it pulsing through my veins! I can feel it pulling at my soul! That Championship and me go way back, and I'm not letting a guy that cuts the same promo every week about how everyone else is getting old stop me from strapping it around my waist again.”
“Alex tonight you leave the ring a changed man. Both physically, in the sense that you will no longer resemble a man and more like some floppy, permanently bleeding sea bed fish, and metaphorically given that you'll know for sure now what it takes to succeed in Hardkore World.”
“It takes more than you have. It may very well take more than you will ever have”.
“Because what you done elsewhere 'aint worth squat.”
(He slaps his waist).
Syberus: “It's almost time.”
Fade back to the Palm Springs Convention Center where "Long Walk Home" by Howl Trance plays.
The masked Lynx walks out to loud cheers. He seems pleased at the reaction, and the fans slapping his shoulders as he walks by
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here it is, the match I’ve been waiting for. Maximum Japan Pro Wrestling’s greatest cruiserweight against Hardkore World’s greatest cruiserweight. What a dream match for the ages.
Phillip Blauer: I recently had a dream that I was golfing with Maury Povich. He sliced his ball wildly from the second tee, out of bounds, over the wall surrounding the course and into a neighboring parking lot. We both winced as we heard an ear-splitting shattering sound. His Titleist had gone straight through the windscreen of a parked car!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s great, Phil. Lynx wrestled The Sheik in San Diego in the Hardkore West Coast title tournament and defeated Dennis Steel in Coachella. He doesn’t have a bad word to say about Tuxedo Mask…
Phillip Blauer: I didn’t tell you the best part of my dream, Giancarlo. As we made our way tentatively down the fairway, a rather square looking fellow and his son vaulted the wall and began walking purposefully in our direction, holding a golf ball up in the air. “Your ball just smashed my windshield,” he shouted. And Maury said “My goodness, I’m terribly sorry, I just hit a horrible slice.” “Well, what are you going to do about it?” Raged the man. And Maury said “I suppose I’ll try strengthening my grip a little, oh, and that’s not your son.”
Eric Valentine Jr. hits a rimshot on his drum kit off camera
Guillermo O’Bannon: I should have known when I saw Eric sit down there. Lynx is looking to make a huge name for himself in Hardkore World by beating a man he watched as a youth and some say he patterned some of his style after. He hopes that after this match, Tuxedo Mask can learn that he can be a multitalented person, with his YouTube channel and such but to still have priorities.
Phillip Blauer: That’s actually very sweet, very rarely, when Ole Anderson was screaming into a microphone, was he worried about his opponent’s emotional well being. Very refreshing. Must be that European joie de vivre.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Sicily; Standing 6 feet 2 inches; Weighing 200 pounds; The Italian Stallion…LYNX!!!”
The Palm Springs fans roar
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and Hardkore Hall jumps to their feet! Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and pretends to be blown away by the reaction. He walks to the right side of the ramp at the Palm Springs Convention Center and soaks in the cheers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask has been training with Ri Eun-Ae, formerly known as Makoto Jupiter, and getting crisper with every match, as we saw in his win over James Hard in Coachella. He wants to reclaim his position amongst the Mount Rushmore of cruiserweights here in Hardkore World and a win over Lynx would help him immensely.
Tuxedo Mask encourages the Palm Springs fans’ cheers. Then he does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to pop the crowd even louder. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climb the turnbuckle for one last bit of adoration before preparing for the match.
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask thought he was wrestling an actual cat heading into this so, as usual, no telling what his actual focus is going into this one. But you like that, don't you? You like that he thought he was a cat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I do.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Tokushima, Japan; He Stands 5 feet 8 inches tall and Weighs 185 pounds; He is Official Wrestler of the Pro Wrestling Observer; The Star Chaser…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
The fans roar as Tuxedo Mask taps his heart
One Fall, 30 Minute Time Limit
Tuxedo Mask vs. Lynx
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell as Lynx locks up with Tuxedo Mask in a collar and elbow tie up. Lynx backs Tuxedo Mask back up into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan asking for a clean break. Instead, Lynx goes for a snap suplex, but Tux blocks it. Tuxedo Mask walks them into the center of the ring and reverses it into a snap suplex of his own.
Tuxedo Mask irish whips him into the ropes but Lynx comes back with a spinning heel kick that pops the crowd! Lynx pulls him up into a front facelock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is Tuxedo Mask’s first Palm Springs Punishment since 2009 when he defeated Poke the Clown in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship tournament. Tux plants his feet and lifts Lynx up into a fireman’s carry. He spins into a TKO that drops Lynx’s throat on the top rope!
Lynx flops around on the mat, clutching his throat, finally coming to rest on the second rope. Tuxedo Mask hits the ropes and then slides through the top and middle ropes, then comes back around into a 619 kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx staggers back and Tuxedo Mask handsprings into a huracanrana!!
Hardkore Hall chants “Tux! Tux! Tux!” Tuxedo Mask pulls him up into ¾ nelson and runs to the corner, but Lynx kicks him off into the turnbuckles. Lynx runs in and dropkicks Tuxedo Mask in the corner getting an “OH!” out of the crowd! Lynx double underhooks Tux’s arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Butterfly suplex by Lynx! He twists Tuxedo Mask’s arm. Lynx holds Tuxedo Mask’s twisted arm by the wrist, then ducks under, and twists it a second time.
Tuxedo Mask cries out in pain, running in place. Tommy Milligan checks in but Tux shakes his head, refusing to quit. Tuxedo Mask finally returns the favor, and reverses it by giving Lynx a twist of his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask runs up the ropes and then goes up and over Lynx with a la majistral!
…ONE!
…Lynx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux grabs Lynx in a three quarter nelson. He runs into the corner, then runs up the turnbuckles into an acid drop bulldog!!
Hardkore Hall pops! Tuxedo Mask climbs to the top turnbuckle and motions for Lynx to rise. When Lynx gets to his feet, Tux jumps off with a corkscrew moonsault that makes the audience roar!! Tux hops onto the second turnbuckle facing the Palm Springs crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hits a split legged moonsault on Lynx!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lynx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux scoops him up into a bodyslam but Lynx falls behind him in an inverted facelock, and then drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx shoots him into the ropes and then takes out Tuxedo Mask with a cartwheel kick!
The fans cheer! Tuxedo Mask gets to his knees, but Lynx tattoos him with a shining wizard kick that get an “OH!” from Hardkore Hall
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx butterflies Tux’s arms and then flips him into a tiger driver!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask claps his legs together on Lynx’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx steps through the ropes out on to the apron, and slingshots himself onto the middle of the tope rope, springboarding into a knee that catches Tux right in the forehead!!
The crowd chants “Lynx! Lynx! Lynx!” Tux gets up but ducks a roundhouse kick but Lynx and atomic drops his groin on the top rope. He runs and then rolls into a koppo kick that knocks the perched Lynx to the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask runs into the ropes, handsprings his back into the ropes and then backflips once, twice, three times for a sasuke special!! Twilight Dance II!
The Palm Springs audience pops as both men lie on the floor. Tuxedo Mask goes and grabs a chair and climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with an asai moonsault with that chair, smashing Lynx in the face!!
The crowd gets rowdy and chants of “TUX! TUX! TUX!” fill the Palm Springs Convention Center. Tuxedo Mask picks the chair back and walks over to Lynx…and then unfolds the chair and sits in it. He turns to a striking woman in the front row
Tuxedo Mask: Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. Isn’t this a lovely match?
Phillip Blauer: Why this is just preposterous.
Tuxedo Mask: It’s fun to enjoy things, n'est pas? In Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman said “Do anything, but let it produce joy.” I actually have a copy in my hotel if you would like to come by and enjoy a passage or two…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx comes off the second turnbuckle with a moonsault on Tuxedo Mask sitting in that chair!!
Hardkore Hall roars as the two men lie in a heap with a chair underneath them. Lynx gets to his feet, and as Tuxedo Mask gets to his hands and knees, runs and punt kicks Tux in the mouth! The fans let out an “OH!” at the loud kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx rolls Tuxedo Mask back into the ring, half nelsons him and then drops him on his head with a wrist clutch exploder!
Lynx lifts a groggy Tux to his feet and sits him on the top turnbuckle. He steps up the second turnbuckle, but Tux slaps him in the ear. Lynx loses his footing, and slips back to to the mat, while Tux grabs him in a front facelock while still standing on the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tornado DDT! Tux grabs an inverted facelock and steps on the backs of Lynx’s knees, then rolls then up into a mexican surfboard! The Tuxmission!
The fans cheer as Tommy Milligan checks in to see if he wants to quit. Lynx shakes his head, and Tux rolls his eyes
Tuxedo Mask: What’s your problem? Give up!
Phillip Blauer: He makes a good point. What is his problem?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx getting bent in half as Tuxedo Mask pulls back on the dragon sleeper while pushing up against his knees with his feet, twisting those calves.
Lynx cries out in pain, but shouts out refusals to submit to Tommy Milligan. Finally, it is Tuxedo Mask that gives up on the Tuxmission, and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask jumps off with a corkscrew moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lynx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux twists Lynx’s arm and then pulls him into a three quarter nelson, backflipping into a shiranui seated DDT!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask irish whips Lynx into the ropes, but Lynx comes back with a running DDT!
The crowd pops and Lynx pulls Tux’s head into his legs and lifts him up into his ligerbomb
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Long Walk Home" by Howl Trance plays and the fans leap to their feet. Lynx rolls to his feet with his arm in the air
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 31 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…LYNX!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx was able to best Hardkore World’s greatest cruiserweight at our biggest show of the year! This a huge win for his campaign here so far.
Lynx rolls out of the ring and slaps the fans hands while Tuxedo Mask complains to Tommy Milligan about a fast count
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask attempts his usual politicking but this decision is going to stand. Lynx gets the big win!
***commercial***
Man stands in front of background that says “Anthony Dipesto 2022. Time’s Up.”
Anthony Dipesto: Hello, my name is Anthony Dipesto and I am running for Palm Springs city council. I am running because our current city council includes 5 men and a lady who got a divorce who were very rude to me when I spoke at the meetings every week. One time the one that shops at Trader Joe’s, if ya know what I mean, told me that if I thought I could do a better job, I was free to run for a seat. So that’s what I did. And let me tell you. It was far from free. Just another lie from The Swamp. This commercial alone means I’m not gonna be able to swing my mortgage again this month, but it’ll be worth it when I get on that city council and show those 5 guys and the divorced lady who’s got a daughter that stays home from school sometimes and she doesn’t seem that sick, that they’re not better than me. Now some people say “Tony, you can’t get into politics for petty spite.” And to that I say, “Yes, I can, Ma.”
His background becomes a waving flag
Anthony Dipesto: Because all of us have been Anthony Depesto’s at one point in our life. Maybe you weren’t invited to your wife’s birthday party. Now you can show the fatcats in Washington and Palm Springs that they’re time is up. And our time is now. How can you do that? By voting for me and not those 5 guys and the woman who has split custody and when her kids aren’t home I saw her smoke once.
Close up
Anthony Dipesto: Time’s up, Diane.
“When You Wish Upon A Star” by Jiminy Cricket plays and the camera fades to Phillip Blauer and Guillermo seated at ringside. Guillermo is dressed as Peter Pan and Phil is dressed as Mr. Smee. The lights in Hardkore Hall are turned up to maximum strength, simulating the Florida sun. Inside the ring, there is a Mickey Mouse ear shaped bank vault door in one of the corners
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans and welcome back to the Reedy Creek Rules match. As per the rules, everyone has to be dressed as a Disney IP.
Phillip Blauer: That’s why Gugenheim is dressed as Peter Pan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (stung) I’m not Peter Pan. I’m Robin Hood.
Phillip Blauer: No. That was a dog. I remember that picture being full of what the children love. Early 70s guitar songs about streams.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was a fox, and I wasn’t gonna wear a mask while I did commentary. Why are you Mr. Smee?
Phillip Blauer: (indignant) Do you have rocks in your head? I’d never be your Mr. Smee. I’m Happy from the Seven Dwarves. I should talk to Marty about playing Happy in a new Disney original series.Maybe, the Dwarves are all killed in a mine leak…all but Happy. So he takes the diamonds and moves down to a fictional Carribean island. Something that sounds Spanish like Costa Pacifica
Guillermo O’Bannon: But it’s in the Caribbean.
Phillip Blauer: Doesn’t matter. Boy, he’d make quite a pair with that little guy Peter Dinklage. Maybe he’s Happy’s brother, and they open up a little cantina, but keep having to solve murders.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why are people asking cantina owners to solve murders?
Phillip Blauer: It’s just the way of Costa Pacifica, mon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But you’re not a dwarf, how are you going to…
Phillip Blauer: Dear, sweet naive, Gustav. Chris Pratt is not really holding off dinosaurs with his outstretched hand. It’s called movie magic. They can have someone slightly off camera hold Mr. Dinklage up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we barely know the rules of this match other than Marty seems to be making them up as he goes along. All we know is the winner will be the first one to put the other inside the Disney Vault and then close the door.
The Palm Springs fans boo as “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan walks out dressed as Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. He walks with his chest puffed out, and raising his eyebrows
Phillip Blauer: Well that’s apropos. You know, Gaston reminds me of myself as a young.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You were pretty vain.
Phillip Blauer: I was referring to how I would react with homicidal rage when I didn’t receive the attention of a young lady I fancied, but then you had to go and get insulting. How little of you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry. Fans, Marty Donovan claims he only attacked Natalie Burrows after she refused his handshake. But now he suspects that she didn’t shake his hand because she works for Florida governor Ron Desantis.
Phillip Blauer: I admit it does give one pause. Where does she get all this money she flashes around?
Guillermo O’Bannon: What money?
Phillip Blauer: I didn’t want to have to say this, but I did a KPLM News Hawk exclusive undercover operation where I had her tailed to the grocery store. I regret to inform you that her children get name brand cereals. Three kids? Jonnie’s not paying that kind of money.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Speaking of Jonnie, Marty still thinks Evan is running the company?
Phillip Blauer: Marty doesn’t bother with Jonnie, he goes through Evan. The two of them share an unspoken bond.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has also banned Kilroy from ringside.
Phillip Blauer: Good, because he's become a major distraction in almost every match tonigt. I was really hoping I could talk to Evan Valentine Jr. about making that permanent.
Guillermo O’Bannon: For the last time, Evan is not in charge.
Phillip Blauer: Is this because Evan has never liked you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it’s because…wait, is that true?
The bell ring and the camera cuts to Greg Jin in the ring dressed as LeFou from Beauty and the Beast
Greg Jin: “The following is a Reedy Creek Rules Match!”
The fans cheer
Greg Jin: “Your referee is Richie Richardson!”
Dressed as Groot, Richie Richardson waves his branch at the crowd
Greg Jin: “Featuring first, hailing from the Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida. Standing 6 feet and weighing 218 pounds; Representing Disney Plus who asks you to watch the new Lego Movie, The Green Mile, coming this August…‘THE RISING SUN’ MARTY DONOVAN!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo while fanning themselves. The distorted opening lyrics of 'Breathe Again' plays as the overhead lights dim, the sequence of notes following it triggering coral-colored lights to pulse in time... and when the guitars and drums combine suddenly the music changes to “Under The Sea” from The Little Mermaid. Marty Donovan smiles
Phillip Blauer: I do like this little ditty better.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Apparently part of Reedy Creek Rules is you have to come down to Disney songs?
Natalie Burrows steps out dressed as Captain Phasma from The Last Jedi and stands at the top of the ramp. Marty gulps
Phillip Blauer: Never thought I’d see the day Captain Kirk would have to fight a lady Stormtrooper. These are interesting times we’re living in.
The Palm Springs crowd cheers for the Southern Belle as she looks out over the fans with the stainless steel spear in her head. Her helmet nods in acknowledgement as video footage plays of some of her hardest-hitting moments in the ring. Natalie makes her way down to the ring, slapping the hands of the fans here and there, but her focus is on the ring. Rather than her usual slide into the ring, due to the costume, she walks up the stairs and steps through the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After what Marty did to her in San Diego after she beat him in the first round of the Hardkore West Coast title tournament, she would do anything to get her hands on him. She tried to in the six man tag team match in Coachella, but he stayed as far away as he could. So she had to sign on the dotted line for this Reedy Creek Rules match, which included that she has to dress up, and dress up she did.
Phillip Blauer: I think Marty was hoping for a Pocahantas deal or knowing her modesty, possibly a Mary Poppins, but this?
Natalie takes a second to get on the second turnbuckle with her robot boots, but she gets up and holds the spear aloft with one hand to evoke more cheers. She lingers there for a few moments before hopping down, turning the spear over to Richie Richardson. before trying to figure out how she’s going to move in this suit.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Durham, North Carolina; She stands 5 feet 9 inches tall and Weighs 165 pounds; She is The Captain of the First Order Stormtroopers…NATALIE BURROWS!!!”
The Palm Springs fans give her a huge ovation! Richie Richardson signals for the bell. Natalie charges Marty and begins slugging him with right hands, and the hot crowd roars
Reedy Creek Rules Match
Natalie Burrows vs. "The Rising Sun" Marty Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie’s been dreaming of this moment for a month and now here it is!
Phillip Blauer: Someone stop that cockamamie robot, it’s malfunctioning!
Marty Donovan: Richie! Ow! Richie! Ow! Tell her she’s got to stop! No fair with those stormtrooper hands! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Richie Richardson: I am Groot.
Marty rolls his eyes as Natalie backs him into a corner with right hands. Natalie Burrows kicks him all over his body, and legs with kicks as he’s trapped in the corner, and then hip tosses him out! Marty begs off as Natalie stalks him and the Palm Springs fans call for blood
Phillip Blauer: Marty Donovan begging for mercy but Captain Pharma doesn’t seem to have any on the menu.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie whacks Donovan in the back with a stiff kick to the spine!
The Palm Springs fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sound. Natalie Burrows shoots Marty into the corner and rolling tumbles into a back elbow. She does a step up enzuigiri that causes Marty to take two steps out of the corner and then fall on his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows leg drops the back of Marty’s head with that metal leg!
Marty Donovan kicks his toes into the mat in pain, covering his face. She pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes, she ducks down for a backdrop but Marty catches her with a corkscrew neckbreaker! The cheers turn to jeers and Marty collects himself for a moment
Phillip Blauer: (Phil’s beard starts slipping off) Boy, it is hotter than Hades in here, who Dorothy still worships by the way.
Guillermo O’Bannon: My back is wetter than an otter’s pocket.
Phillip Blauer: (beard falls completely off) Well, that’s just gross.
Marty removes Natalie Burrows’ helmet and puts it on his head to more boos
Phillip Blauer: Now Marty’s a robot too? Gadzooks, what hope is there for the human race now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan pulls Natalie up into an inverted facelock, then lifts her up into a backbreaker!
Natalie Burrows sits up in pain, but Marty basement dropkicks her in the back of the head
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Marty Donovan was at Palm Springs Punishment was in 2010 when he wrestled Andrew Karnage over Karnage’s freedom.
Phillip Blauer: Who won?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty.
Phillip Blauer: Well, you can’t argue with success.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan takes off the helmet and irish whips Natalie into the ropes. She comes back and he smashes her in the face with the Stormtrooper helmet!!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos while Natalie Burrows clutches her face and flops around the mat. Marty grabs an official Disneyland giant lollipop, and gets a gleam in his eye. The jeers get louder as Marty eyes Natalie as she gets to her feet
Phillip Blauer: That’s real heat if Marty hits her with that lollipop, because those things are like $30.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan smashes that lollipop over Natalie Burrows’ head!
Lollipop goes everywhere but Natalie just stares at Marty. He backs off, insisting that he didn’t mean to hurt her. The Palm Springs fans cheer wildly while Natalie Burrows walks down Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows hits Marty in the side of the head with a jumping roundhouse kick!
The Palm Springs Convention Center pops! “The Southern Belle” Natalie Burrows grabs Marty as he gets up and ties up their ankles. She snaps back into a russian leg sweep
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Natalie Burrows was in Palm Springs was Palm Springs Punishment 2010, when she lost the Hardkore World Women’s Championship to Madison Dyson.
Phillip Blauer: Madison Dyson? Why that’s the woman who burned down Ulster Hall at Irish Rage in Belfast.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows pulls Marty Donovan up into a front facelock and then drives his head into the mat with a DDT!
The audience cheers. Natalie Burrows walks over and begins punching in a code into the Mickey Mouse shaped vault in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Each wrestler was given a code so that they can lock their opponent in the Disney vault.
Phillip Blauer: Which has a rich slice of Americana in it, the master of Song of the South.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Burrows irish whips Donovan into the vault, but Marty puts his foot on the vault to stop his momentum. Donovan responds with a dropkick that knocks Natalie into the opposite corner.
Burrows bounces out of the corner, but Marty Donovan leg sweeps him so her drops back into the turnbuckles. Marty Donovan backs up and then running dropkicks her in the corner! The audience lets out a collective “OH!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan has that disc from Tron.
Phillip Blauer: No! Now he’s cursed too!
Marty Donovan spins the disc into Natalie’s face! Natalie holds her face in pain, and stomps her heels into the mat. The Palm Springs fans jeer Marty as he fluffs his ponytail. Marty Donovan atomic drops Natalie onto the turnbuckle, facing the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan walks her out of the corner into a rope hung neckbreaker!!
Natalie Burrows sits up, clutching the back of her neck. Marty Donovan picks her up by the neck and tries to put her into the Disney vault, but Natalie puts her boot on the vault, blocking Marty from putting her in and getting a huge pop from the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows refusing to go into the Disney vault!
Phillip Blauer: Not even The Southern Belle, the North Carolina native wants to be anywhere near that VHS copy of Song of the South!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Burrows does a go behind into a rear waistlock and drops Marty into a release german suplex!
Natalie Burrows screams as she comes at Marty with a clothesline that takes him up and over the ropes to the floor below, getting a big reaction from Hardkore Hall
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows hits the ropes, jumps onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard clothesline that takes Marty over the railing into the front row!!
The Palm Springs crowd chants “NAT!! NAT!! NAT!!” as Natalie and Marty lie in a pile of fans and chairs in the audience
Phillip Blauer: Burrows has go to be overheating in that hot Space Person costume and these oppressive lights. (fans himself) I know this flower is wilting.
One of Phil’s eyebrows comes off and Burrows pulls Marty up by his ponytail. Donovan kicks her but she catches his ankle
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan swings around with an enzuigiri to the back of Natalie’s head! Marty charges forward but Natalie catches him with a spinebuster against the guardrail!!
Hardkore Hall lets out a loud “OH!!” as Marty arches his back in pain. Natalie goes for a suplex onto the floor, but Marty blocks it, and then smashes her head onto the guardrail!! Donovan steps over the railing and rolls into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan runs into the ropes and hops onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard missile dropkick on Natalie in the crowd!!
Huge heel pop as Marty and Natalie lie out in the crowd. Marty pulls her up by the hair and throws her over the railing into the ringside area. He steps over the railing and slides back into the ring, then climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan jumps off with a somersault senton, but Natalie ducks and he hits the railing!!
The sound of Donovan hitting the steel rings through the Palm Springs Convention Center. He gets to his knees, and Natalie runs at him, clocking him behind the head with a black magic shining wizard enzuigiri
Guillermo O’Bannon: Epiphany out on the floor! Natalie Burrows now rolls Marty back into the ring. She follows him in and then irish whips Donovan into the Disney vault!!
“The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan puts the brakes on, but wobbles right in front of the door! The Palm Springs fans cheer at the prospect of Marty going into the safe. Natalie hits him with a reverse roundhouse kick and Donovan goes down into the vault!!
Phillip Blauer: Marty’s in the Disney vault with the Song of the South tape!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows shuts the door, but Marty Donovan blocks it with his boot!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos as Marty and Natalie have a power struggle with her trying to close the door on him. Donovan uses his other leg to push against the door until he forces his way out of the safe
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows irish whips him into the ropes but Marty Donovan hops onto the middle of the top rope and backflips into an asai moonsault DDT!! River City Ransom!
The fans are heckling Marty Donovan as he picks up the magic carpet from Aladdin. He does an Arabic bow and the boos get even louder, and then he climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan hits an Ode to Romero 450 splash with that carpet!!
The boos are now deafening as Marty looks around and screams “I LOVE DISNEY PLUS!!!” and then gets hit with a wave of heel heat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan irish whips Natalie into the Disney vault, but she reverses it and shoots him into the ropes. Burrows hits him with a Denial leaping leg lariot!!
Hardkore Hall comes to life as Marty lies dazed on the canvas. Natalie Burrows holds her ribs and steps out to the apron. She slingshots herself onto the middle of the top rope and then jumps off with a wheel kick to Marty’s back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Turmoil!! Natalie Burrows irish whips Marty into the ropes and lifts him into a sky high, but Marty Donovan catches him with a huracanrana!!
The fans boo, and Marty eyes a toy chest, then gets an evil grin
Phillip Blauer: It looks like Marty has an idea. An awful idea. I dare say The Rising Sun has a wonderful awful idea.
Marty Donovan picks up the toy chest and dumps it out on the mat. All the toys from Toy Story; Woody, Buzz, Rex. and the army men fall to the canvas as the audience buzzes with anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan hammerlocks Natalie’s arm and grabs her into an inverted facelock before lifting her up into a gloria on the toys!!
Phillip Blauer: It looked as though she got a Mr. Potato Head on her chicken winged arm there!
Natalie Burrows flops around, clutching her elbow as the fans chant “HOLY SHOOT!!! HOLY SHOOT!!! HOLY SHOOT!!!” Natalie Burrows staggers up to her feet, holding her arm close to her body, but Marty hits her with in the nose with his v-trigger
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Dis-Knee knocks Natalie Burrows into the Disney vault!!
“The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan slams the door shut and punches in his code, sealing Natalie’s fate. Richie Richardson signals for the bell as Hardkore Hall rocks with boos. “When You Wish Upon a Star” by Jiminy Crickett plays and Marty taps the vault and laughs
Greg Jin: “At 17 minutes 46 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE RISING SUN’ MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie was forced to wrestle Marty’s match and it was clearly too many roadblocks to overcome.
Marty Donovan takes Burrows’ Captain Phasma spear and starts banging the Disney vault with it, over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on, Marty won the match, now he’s just being a dick.
Phillip Blauer: To the victor goes the dickery.
Kilroy Evans charges down to the ring, and the Palm Springs fans leap to their feet! Marty gets into an attack position with his spear
Phillip Blauer: Can anything happen without Kilroy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans grabs a chair!
A booming pop as Kilroy Evans enters the chair, and Marty Donovan tries to hold him off with a spear. Quickly, Marty Donovan gulps and ditches the spear, running out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan heads for higher ground, and Kilroy Evans punches in that code, and gets Natalie Burrows out of that Disney vault.
Natalie Burrows gasps for air while Kilroy asks if she’s alright. She nods while she tries to catch her breath. Donovan curses Kilroy and swears revenge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans comes down to help his friend Natalie, and it looks as though Marty is about to have a coronary!
The scene cuts to a nondescript area of Hardkore Hall. The only defining feature is a banner hung like a green screen, but instead it is a sepia-toned background upon which a flexing bicep is crossed by a fountain pen with the nib exposed so you know it’s not just a regular ballpoint. In front of this banner is a short-ish man with a medieval style scroll.
Herald: Introducing to the world, “Poetry in Motion,” with a reading of a sonnet constructed specially for his debut.
The short man is quickly overshadowed by a very tall man with short red hair who looks almost comical in a fairly stereotypical medieval poet’s costume that strains over his obviously powerful physique. He has his own parchment, and after clearing his throat several times, he begins.
Ruben Bowman:
I find myself among a sea of men,
That could not thrust a wound upon my flesh,
Were I to block the blow with a quill pen.
If, on the other hand, you find my fresh,
And vital hands around your back, it’s time,
To say goodbye and ponder choices past,
Which brought you low while hearing ring bells chime.
As you lay supine, glassy gaze up-cast,
I’d say you brought this pain upon yourself,
But that negates the effort, long and hard,
That I’ve exerted, dressed as armored elf,
To carve myself the niche of fighting bard.
Whoever first I’m cast to fight forthwith,
Bear witness to the birth of modern myth.
After reciting the sort of sonnet you’d only see in pro wrestling, which in itself is a strange sentence, he inclines his head, then retreats off screen, prompting a cut. Open on a shot of the ring with the ropes off. A 2018 gunmetal gray Toyota Rav 4 is crashed in the middle of the ring with a white 2016 Toyota Camry. A giant metal shark cage is at ringside, attached to a crane operated by Donnie Valentine Jr.. Cut to Phillip Blauer and Guillermo O’Bannon back to dressed in their usual suits
Guillermo O’Bannon: And that was Ruben Bowman, the new poet of Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: But what kind? Lanny Poffo or Raven?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I'm not sure but hello fans and welcome to the semi main event. The LA Freeway match, a Hardkore World original. Two cars crashed together, no ropes, and falls count anywhere!
Phillip Blauer: A barbaric match and an exploitation of the very real problem of the inhumanities of traffic in Los Angeles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Plus, Malcolm Xavier Graves will be suspended above the ring in a shark cage.
Phillip Blauer: Dehumanizing, and quite frankly, very sad.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves interfered in The Sheik’s matches in Palm Springs, Indio, San Diego, and Coachella. It’s time to see how The Sheik does without his constant meddling.
Phillip Blauer: Would you ask a bird not to fly? A fish not to swim? Why would you ask Malcolm Xavier Graves not to meddle?
“Seasons In The Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and Hardkore Hall rocks with boos. Malcolm Xavier Graves leads The Sheik out who looks a little cautious. Fans try and reach out at Graves, but he swats his cane from side to side, almost like a machete cutting through brush
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves says that The Sheik has been inspecting cars to see ways to hurt Kilroy Evans, and has been transfixed on the fact that Kilroy was making sandwiches. Graves is clear about The Sheik being the more hungry wrestler and looking to prove it in this LA Freeway match.
Phillip Blauer: Making sandwiches has long been psychological warfare for Kilroy
Guillermo O’Bannon: Graves is clear about The Sheik being the more hungry wrestler and looking to prove it in this LA Freeway match.
Malcolm Xavier Graves gets to the shark cage and stops in his tracks. The Sheik tries to pump Graves up, but he shakes his head and refuses to go into the cage.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is an LA Freeway Match!"
The Palm Springs fans cheer wildly while The Sheik climbs to the top of the Toyota Rav 4.
Greg Jin: “It is Falls Count Anywhere. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Great King of Terror…THE SHEIK!!!”
Hardkore Hall boos as The Sheik prays on the hood of the Rav 4
Phillip Blauer: It is a holy place for Toyota enthusiasts. It is second only to Toyotathon which is a pilgrimage every Toyotiist has to do at least once in their lifetimes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Toy-?
Phillip Blauer: Toyota lovers, Gene. People who love low horsepower. They make it their whole identity. I’ve seen it.
"Rock Club" by Family Jules plays and the crowd jumps to their feet! Kilroy walks to the ring at a calm pace, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt with his face on a chef doing the chef’s kiss, while pouring comical amount of ketchup on his turkey sandwich
Phillip Blauer: This (shudders)...man, would probably put ketchup on one of those broken cars in the ring and eat that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why would you say that?
Phillip Blauer: (shouts him down) Because I have eyes!!
Kilroy slaps the fans’ hands, and let’s one guy take a selfie with him. The man hands Kilroy a cup of beer, and Kilroy shrugs and takes it as he walks away
Phillip Blauer: Buy your own drinks, Ham Salad!
Kilroy Evans takes a swig out of the beer cup and then realizes something. He walks back to the fan
Kilroy Evans: I don’t want to drink and drive. Sorry.
Evans hands the beer cup to the ecstatic fan, then continues the walk to the ring. Kilroy points to a sign a fan is holding that says “Someone Should Hose Down MXG’s Cage When Its Over”
Phillip Blauer: He is making a mockery of the LA Freeway match. This is the match where George Hackenschmidt settled his feud with Henry Ford in 1915, I believe.
Kilroy Evans enters the ring with a huge smile on his face, but staring at The Sheik unnervingly
Phillip Blauer: Henry was quite the heel when I was lad.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You gotta tell me how old you are.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t interrupt. Anyway, I used to pay a wooden nickel and a frog I carried in my pocket to see the carnival fighters. We all wanted to see Henry Ford get his just desserts for his vile beliefs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (nods) Because he was a nazi symapthizer.
Phillip Blauer: Because he wrote a book telling children not to smoke.
Guillermo stops nodding
Phillip Blauer: Cigarettes meant jobs, Gilbert. A big piece of Americana is gone. Now we have no cigarette vending machine delivery men. Factories that made signs for smoking sections in Burger Kings have all but shuttered for good. And the absence of cigarette girls has put a gaping hole in the country’s Murder Mystery Dinner characters.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After Malcolm Xavier Graves cost him his shot at the Hardkore World Championship in San Diego, Kilroy would do anything to get his hands on him, but first he must win the match. Kilroy says that with Graves suspended over the ring, The Sheik will not be focused, which can give the former Hardkore World Champion an advantage, and he will be the one with the button tonight.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds, Your Boy Kilroy…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The crowd lets out a loud pop while Kilroy stares at The Sheik, never blinking, while The Man From The Empty Quarter mutters to himself
LA Freeway Match
Kilroy Evans vs. The Sheik
Referee Kelly O’Connell tells Malcolm Xavier Graves he has to go into the cage, but Graves flatly refuses
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves already trying to back out on what he agreed to.
Phillip Blauer: What do you expect? Who is putting their life in the hands of Rocky Valentine Jr.?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rocky didn’t just get this job because of his last name, you know what? I just heard myself say that and...you’re right.
Malcolm pokes Kelly O’Connell in the chest to back her off and then folds his arms while she reminds him of her authority in Hardkore World. She tries to coax him into the cage, but Graves turns around into Kilroy Evans who has his fists clenched.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves flinches to avoid Kilroy Evans and falls into the cage!!
Hardkore Hall roars as Kelly O’Connell slams the cage door shut and locks the door! Rocky Valentine Jr. presses a giant remote control button and the cage starts ascending over the ring. Malcolm Xavier Graves shouts “No!” over and over as Kilroy waves at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits Kilroy from behind with a right hand! He smashes Kilroy’s face into the Toyota Camry’s hood!!
The audience boos as The Sheik works over Kilroy with forearms and kicks. He then grabs Kilroy and throws him over the top rope to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have tried to settle this fight through Palm Springs, Indio, Coachella and San Diego and now tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2022, in the last show in this building, they try and resolve this.
The Sheik pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself over into a crossbody that smashes Kilroy into the railing!! Kilroy slowly slides down the railing while The Sheik climbs back up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps onto the trunk of the Toyota Camry and hops back into a back elbow but Kilroy moves out of the way and he hits the steel railing!!
The Palm Springs fans roar as Kilroy Evans picks up a folding chair and, with both hands, throws it in a overhead arc toward The Sheik, smashing into his skull
Guillermo O’Bannon: The sound of that chair hitting Sheik in the head was sickening.
Sheik moves away to another part of ringside. As Kilroy follows, one of the fans behind that security rail starts shouting at him about how the chair could've hit him
Angry Fan: That could've hurt one of us!
Kilroy Evans: No, that's why I threw it down towards this.
Kilroy kicks the security barrier and the fan flinches
Kilroy Evans: And not toward your head. Oh, and big thanks by the way.
Confused and Angry Fan: For what?!
Kilroy Evans: For distracting me long enough that when I turn around, Sheik's probably going to attack the shit out of me!
Kilroy turns to follow and, sure enough, The Sheik is behind him with the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik crashes that chair down across his head!!
Instead of falling over, Kilroy turns and staggers back to the fan he argued with and points at them as if to say "See? This is on you." and then Flair flops onto the ground
Phillip Blauer: That poor soul will probably live with that guilt for the rest of his life. Like Old Matt Damon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Saving Private Ryan?
Phillip Blauer: Never saw it, I lived it. I was referring to the people he bankrupted with his crypto advertisements.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rolls a now busted open Kilroy back into the ring and bodyslams him onto the hoods of the crashed cars!!
Kilroy cries out in pain, and his bleeding head hangs off the side of the hood. The Sheik climbs to the hood, and then the roof of the Rav 4
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans has some background in this match going back to 18 years ago in this very city, 2004, when he, Robert Hunglestien III, and Hero defeated Tuxedo Mask, Eerie Von and Death Gojira in an LA Freeway match.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, 2004. When America said “Hey Ya” to gay marriage, what was happening in Abu Gharib was a bigger twist than what was in The Village and internet dating was as it should be. Terrifying.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik now jumps off the Rav 4 roof and leg drops Kilroy’s hanging head!!
The impact flips Kilroy off the cars onto the mat. The Sheik stomps him over and over, as Malcolm Xavier Graves shouts his encouragement from above in the cage. The Sheik rolls him back on the hoods of the cars and then climbs up there with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls Kilroy up but Kilroy blocks a punch. Instead, he bites The Sheik over the eye!
The Sheik screams in pain, and punches his way out of it. Kilroy kicks him in the stomach and then rolls him into a swinging neckbreaker on the hood of a car!! Kilroy and The Sheik lie in a dent on the hood
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men caught the worst of that.
Phillip Blauer: If only Kilroy had known that cars are hard surfaces.
The Sheik rolls off the car onto the mat. Kilroy goes after him and spreads Sheik’s legs, and stares at Phil. He lifts up Sheik's leg and punches him in the back of the knee. He pointedly looks over at the announce table.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy working down the leg. Why does he keep looking over here? Is he trying to get our attention right now? Is this a reference to something? Phillip!
Blauer is pointedly paying attention to anything other than the match.
Phillip Blauer: Hm? I don't know, George. It's not like we hang out or anything!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, he keeps smirking your way while punching the back of his opponent's knee. Isn't...isn't that The Blauer Bomb?
Phillip Blauer: That's a dumb move. Who would come up with that as a big move? That'd be bullshit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy motions for The Sheik to get up and runs at him with a spear, but The Sheik moves, and Kilroy puts his head through the back passenger window of the Camry!!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos and Kilroy remains like Winnie the Pooh with his legs hanging out the window of the Toyota Camry. Meanwhile, The Sheik pulls himself up to the roof of the Rav 4. Kilroy finally pulls himself out of the window, and the audience gasps as the amount of blood pouring down onto his white t-shirt
Phillip Blauer: Jumping Jehosaphat! That blood is beginning to get on the ketchup part of his shirt, reminding me of how he eats a turkey sandwich and I..I…think I’m going to be ill.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps off the roof of that Rav 4 and catches Kilroy with a slingblade!
The jeers get louder and suddenly Malcolm Xavier Graves’ cage slips a little and falls, then stops. Graves screams in a panic
Rocky Valentine Jr.: (shouting up towards Graves) My bad! This thing is sensitive.
Phillip Blauer: Lucky that thing didn’t drop. I don’t know how long we could fill a tribute show for Malcolm Xavier Graves.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik now rolls Kilroy back on the hood of the car and climbs to the roof of the Camry and moonsault splashes Kilroy on that hood!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans was last at Palm Springs Punishment 2012 when he successfully defended the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over Tarrasque in a steel cage.
Kilroy Evans rolls off the car and to the mat, then The Sheik begins stomping him as he crawls to the floor. The Sheik grabs a chair and climbs back up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik with an Arabian facebuster to the back of Kilroy’s head!!
Phillip Blauer: I would correct you that it’s not a facebuster if it hits the back of the head if I weren’t suspicious that Kilroy has an absorbed twin back there.
A blood drenched Kilroy is at ringside, near the commentary table as The Sheik is stalking toward him. Kilroy turns to Guillermo and points at a bottle of water.
Kilroy Evans: That one yours?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Please don't---
Kilroy grabs the bottle, unscrews the cap, and squeezes the bottle towards Sheik, blinding him with the "water." Sheik screams loudly as Kilroy sets the bottle down.
Kilroy Evans: Sorry, you know I'm good for it! Gotta take care of this!
Guillermo stares sadly at the remainder of his drink bottle.
Phillip Blauer: You need to stop leaving that on the table, Gershwin. Keep that underside and put an actual bottle of water up here.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy rolls his opponent back into the ring. That's actually pretty smart, Phillip. You want some of what's left?
Phillip Blauer: Ew, no, not after Kilroy touched it. Don't know what he has but it's got to be communicable.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans belly to belly suplexes The Sheik over the railing into the audience!!
The fans chant “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” as Kilroy goes over the guardrail after him and pulls The Sheik’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans piledrives The Sheik out in the front row!!
Kilroy Evans sets up a chair and then gives The Sheik a reverse russian legsweep on it, smashing his face on the seat of the chair!! The Sheik rolls over with blood running down his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans sits on The Sheik’s back and gives him The Last Crusade camel clutch out in the audience! Evans trying to stretch The Sheik with his own move!
Phillip Blauer: What a hack.
The crowd goes wild as Kelly O’Connell climbs over the railing out into the audience and then checks with The Sheik to see if he wants to submit. Kilroy Evans rocks back with The Sheik bent in half, while he sits as far back on the small of his back as he can
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell asking The Sheik if he wants to tap out but he shakes his head at her, so Kilroy sinks his teeth into The Sheik’s bloody forehead to sweeten the deal!
The Palm Springs fans give Kilroy an ear splitting pop while The Sheik shrieks in pain. O’Connell recoils in horror but again asks The Sheik if he wants to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls him up into a double underhook, but The Sheik backdrops him on the floor! The Sheik waits for him to get up, and then knocks him over the railing with a heel kick!
Kilroy tumbles on to the ringside area, and The Sheik steps over the railing with him. He grabs Kilroy by the hair and bashes him into the cornerpost, getting a loud “OH!!” from the fans
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy just a bloody mess, which is now only a slightly bigger mess than he normally is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rolls Kilroy up onto the hood of the Camry and slides up there with him. He scoops Kilroy up into a michinoku driver but Kilroy slips off his shoulder behind him with his cobra clutch! Watch Out For Snakes!
Phillip Blauer: Gadzooks! Where? Where?
The Palm Springs Convention Center jumps to their feet and Malcolm Xavier Graves panics in the cage above them. Kilroy Evans pulls back on his wrist, while applying pressure to the back of The Sheik’s neck as the busted open Sheik thrashes about on while standing on the hood of the Camry.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik starting to go out! His resistance beginning to fade more and more as Kilroy clamps down on Watch Out For Snakes. Kelly O’Connell goes to test his arm, but The Sheik holds it up, reaching in the air seemingly.
A cane falls out of Malcolm Xavier Graves cage down into the ring, but The Sheik is unable to catch it. Kilroy Evans thrashes The Sheik from side to side, as The Man From The Lost Quarter begins to fade.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, that’s “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar entering the ring! What’s he doing here?
Phillip Blauer: I guess the murder spree at the monastary is on hold.
The fans boo as “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar curls his lip at them and picks up the cane. He climbs up the cars behind Kilroy and Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar breaks that cane across the back of Kilroy’s head!! The Sheik pushes back with his legs and they both fall back, with Kilroy going through that windshield of Camry!!
Hardkore Hall lets out a deafening “OH!!” at the sound of Kilroy’s smashing through the glass. The bleeding Sheik looks at “Deathstyke” Cyan Komar who “presents” Kilroy to him. The Sheik crawls over to him and rolls a lifeless Kilroy onto his stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik applies The Last Crusade on Kilroy Evans on the hood of the Rav 4. He locks his hands underneath Kilroy’s chin and peels back on his head. Earlier in the evening, Komar fireballed Kilroy’s best friend Andrew Karnage and Kilroy swore revenge.
Phillip Blauer: Now it looks as though Cyan Komar has decided to take him out before Kilroy has the chance to do the same. That’s what happens when you go about swearing revenge on every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
The boos are thundering down from every corner of Hardkore Hall. Kilroy’s blood runs down his face, staining The Sheik’s hands. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar hops off the car and begins walking to the back, smacking trash out of the air directed at him. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Kilroy doesn’t answer her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell stopping this match after Kilroy didn’t respond!!
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and The Sheik releases The Last Crusade and yells at her to give him the button while 'Seasons in the Abyss' by Stone Sour plays
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves being in the cage above was supposed to neutralize his interference, but it allowed him to introduce that cane of his, which "Deathstryke" Cyan Komar was able to grab and wound up allowing The Sheik to win the first LA Freeway match in 13 years.
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 42 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE LA FREEWAY MATCH…THE SHEIK!!!”
Rocky Valentine Jr. steps into the ring, terrified of the bloodsoaked Sheik, but hands him the giant remote controlling Malcolm Xavier Graves’
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik now has the button and is having some trouble figuring it out.
Malcolm Xavier Graves comes down in fits and stops, while a timid Rocky Valentine Jr. wonders whether to help The Sheik but decides against it. The crowd boos as Rocky Valentine Jr. gives The Sheik the key to release Graves out of the cage door. Graves cackles as he sees Kilroy recovering on the hood of the Camry. The Sheik lurches to go after him, but Malcolm Xavier Graves stops him with his cane
Malcolm Xavier Graves: Allow me!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, Malcolm Xavier Graves is real brave when Kilroy is knocked out on that car.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe he draws his strength from the Toyotas. Men have been inspired by less. Like Mazdas.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Graves gets on Kilroy’s back and applies The Last Crusade, using his cane!
The audience boos as Kilroy turns blue while Graves leans back on the cane across his throat. The Sheik lays in a couple of right hands to the helpless Kilroy. The fans chant “Fuck You Malcolm! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* Fuck You Malcolm! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap*
Fuck You Malcolm! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap*”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Suddenly Kilroy slips out between the manager’s legs, comes up behind him and hits The Bad Touch diamond cutter on Malcolm Xavier Graves on the car hoods!!
Hardkore Hall leaps to their feet as Malcolm Xavier Graves lies motionless on the cars. The Sheik looks at his manager’s state in disbelief with his hands on his head. The fans chant “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” as Kilroy drops to the canvas, passed out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans hit Graves with the Bad Touch after he couldn’t just accept winning, and now “Sexy” Anjanette Turner and Natalie Burrows run down to the ring!
The Sheik collects Malcolm Xavier Graves off the hood of the Camry, slumping him over his shoulder and escaping through the crowd as Natalie and Turner stand over an unconscious Kilroy Evans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows and Turner there to protect Kilroy who seems to be knocked out. The Sheik taking his manager and advocate to get some medical attention. Fans we got the main event coming up, don’t you dare go away!
***commercial***
Open on a used car lot in Palm Springs Toyota where the salesman is showing off the cars
Ben: Hi Coachella Valley, this is Ben Jrenkin over at Palm Springs Toyota, a big sponsor of Palm Springs Punishment 2022, where we have provided the cars that will be used in an LA Freeway matches. Those vehicles will be available for collectors, or just people that appreciate a safe and reliable vehicle. But not only that, come on down to Palm Springs Toyota where we have the 2022 Highlander.
Ben walks up to the Highlander and opens the back passenger door
Ben: Look at that backseat. You could take quite the snooze back here.
Ben gets in the backseat and gets comfortable.
Ben: Oh yeah. You would be very snug in here. Get yourself a thermos of soup from the diner, come back here, eat your dinner. You could listen to the radio. Oh yeah, this is better than my house. You could live back here…
He straightens up
Ben: If you had to. I’m just saying with this roomy interior and our zero down financing, if she decides that she just doesn’t love you anymore and maybe never did, you could have quite the life back here. Look!
Ben gets out of the backseat and opens the passenger front door. He opens the glove box and reveals hundreds of condiment packets
Ben: Look at all these. No matter if you’re eating Chinese back here, and they forgot your duck sauce. It’s right here. I even got croutons for when you’re eating a car salad.
Ben chuckles, then stares off into the distance. The memories of her all come rushing back. All the late nights, the long talks, the arguments, the laughter. If he could only just talk to her. To show her how he’s changed and it’s all gonna be different. Then he notices the camera
Ben: So come on down to Palm Springs Toyota. Because who knows if you’re always gonna be living in some big fancy house with somewhere to change your underwear?
Fade back to Hardkore Hall where Donnie Valentine Jr. has finally cleaned the ring up after the LA Freeway Match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the main event of Palm Springs Punishment 2022. The Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. A title that goes back 33 years. A championship that has been defended in Japan, Mexico, Canada, Puerto Rico, the United Kingdom, Australia, Germany, Spain, France, Italy, the Netherlands, Brazil and Northern Ireland. Former champions include Matthew X, Rated X, Butch “The Anvil” Brooks, “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson, Adrian Faust, Cobryn, Kilroy Evans, James Fierce, Andrew Karnage, and yes, Syberus. Now we have the final of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Tournament to decide the champion that will take us into 2022. Syberus and Alexander Von Blankenship.
A thick cloud like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere. Hardkore Hall thunders with boos
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. He holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: There he is. There’s the guy that got us that Arby’s money. This business is toxic to advertisers, Geno. Yet this young cad was able to get us mainstream revenue. Horsey sauce revenue.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship’s Arby sponsorship is certainly bringing more eye balls to the relaunch of Hardkore World, but he believes it will also allow him to run off Hardkore World legends like Syberus.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
AVB looks out at the crowd, and the smirk is now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring, he sees the “Rat Boy'' and “If AVB Wins We Riot” signs and points at the fans holding them, stating loudly "I'm better than you" as he goes. A fan throws a cup of beer at him and it splashes on the camera
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship reminded Syberus that his past two wins have been the two of the men that defeated Syberus for the Hardkore World Championship, Kilroy Evans and Andrew Karnage in his young career.
Phillip Blauer: A student of the game. Would you look at that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB took the leadership role at Call to Arms, the XHF supercard, and says that is proof that he has overtaken Syberus as Top Guy here in Hardkore World.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside. A fan gets over the railing, but Palm Springs Convention Center security is able to stop him. Alexander Von Blankenship no sells it while he prays
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB has said that he is here to become the new main eventer, by becoming the new generation of Hardkore World. He has claimed to see fear in Syberus’ eyes and body language and already be in his head.
Von Blankenship gives the ring the holy trinity blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd. He yells out "Always Very Blessed!!" before jumping down into the ring while Hardkore Hall boos loudly.
Then the lights cut and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens. "Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd reach their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The four time Hardkore World Champion Syberus, looking for an unprecedented fifth time. But first he must defeat the undefeated Alexander Von Blankenship.
Syb takes a brief look around at the crowd with a couple fans waving the UK flag, before heading down the ramp. Once up the ring steps Syberus wipes his feet on the apron before stooping through the ropes. He circles the ring for a second before hopping up in one corner and raising both fists in the air
Guillermo O’Bannon: While they were Hardkore World Champion and XHF X Crown Champion respectively, Syberus and Rat Bastard never wrestled one another, but were rivals when it came to ratings and buy rates. Now Syberus must defeat his son to reclaim his top spot on the West Coast.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure Steve Austin had always hoped for a chance to beat the hell out of Nick Hogan, for the hell his Dad put him through.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus says that Alexander Von Blankenship has been misinformed by his father about Hardkore World, and has always wanted to wrestle his father. But AVB is not his father, and Syberus hopes that his years in brutal death matches and technical classics in his 19 years has prepared him for whatever the undefeated Alexander Von Blankenship is ready to throw at him.
The lights in Hardkore Hall drop and a spotlight hits the ring. Greg Jin stands in the center of the ring while Tommy Milligan stands in the corner
Greg Jin: “This is the Main Event of the evening. It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is the final of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Tournament. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Amsterdam; He stands 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds, The Official Pro Wrestler of Arby’s, ‘We Have The Meats’…ALWAYS VERY BLESSED, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo loudly and Alexander Von Blankenship waves them on
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Manchester, England, who’s name is translated from ‘Breast Like Hill’; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 200 pounds; He is The Host of Are You Rubbish? The former Four Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
The crowd goes wild and Syberus cracks his neck from side to side. Greg Jin exits the ring and Tommy Milligan signals for the bell.
Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament Final
Alexander Von Blankenship vs. The Great Syberus[/center]
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The Great Syberus and Alexander Von Blankenship circle one another cautiously. Syberus goes for a lock up, but AVB backs into the corner and sticks his head through the ropes. The Palm Springs fans boo as Tommy Milligan calls for a clean break
Alexander Von Blankenship: Get him back, Tommy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus obliges Alexander Von Blankenship with a clean break as the rookie tries to control the tempo. They lock up in a collar and elbow tie up, and both jockey for position.
Syberus grabs a side headlock on AVB. He locks his hands together and clamps down on Von Blankenship’s temple with his forearm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship pushes Syberus off into the ropes, but the Englishman hangs on to the headlock. Syberus pops his hips and flips AVB over into a side headlock takedown. The last time Syberus was at Palm Springs Punishment was 12 years ago when he defeated Manwel in two minutes via satellite in Cedar City, Utah for the Hardkore Rocky Mountains territory.
Syberus torques Von Blankenship’s head with the headlock on the mat, while Tommy Milligan checks to see if AVB’s shoulders on the mat. Alexander Von Blankenship rolls him into a cradle
…ONE!
…Syberus rolls him back into a headlock on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus continues to wear down the less experienced Alexander Von Blankenship with that headlock. AVB finally working his way to his feet while Syberus hangs on to the headlock
Alexander Von Blankenship reaches over and rakes Syberus’ eyes with his fingernails to get the venom of the crowd. He stomps Syberus’ foot, and scoops him up into a shoulderbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB irish whips Syberus into the ropes, but Syberus blocks a hip toss and counters with a hip toss of his own. Von Blankenship charges him but Syberus catches him with an arm drag.
AVB runs into an ipponzei seoi nage judo throw and the fans give Syberus a pop. He rolls to a seated position, holding his arm. Syberus twists Alexander Von Blankenship’s arm and then steps through the ropes out on to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus drapes Von Blankenship’s arm over the top rope and drops to the floor below!
The audience cheers as Alexander Von Blankenship flops around the mat, clutching his elbow. AVB gets up and Syberus kicks him in the knee
Fans: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship whacks Syberus with a blistering chop.
Fans: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon:Syberus counters with a kick to his shin.
Fans: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB with another chop to Syberus’ chest
Fans: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus fires back with an elbow to the face.
Fans: Yay!
Phillip Blauer: We have some fisticuffs!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus with another stiff kick to Syberus’ calf.
Fans: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship answers with a kick to Syberus’ knee. He scoops Syberus up and drops him across his knee with a backbreaker
AVB snap suplexes Syberus hard to the mat! He pulls him up for a second one but Syberus blocks it with his boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus takes him over in a snapmare, and then bends his fingers back!
Hardkore Hall cheers while Alexander Von Blankenship runs in place, Tommy Milligan giving Syberus a five count to break the hold. Syberus finally does and then smashes AVB’s face into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus rams Alexander Von Blankenship’s head into the turnbuckle! Again, and again!
The crowd is at a fever pitch, and then Alexander Von Blankenship pokes Syberus in the eyes. Syberus clutches his eyes, and AVB smashes Syberus’ head into the turnbuckles now
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pounds Syberus in the corner with right hands, so fast that Syberus can’t get his bearings. AVB lifts him up into a suplex, drops Syberus’ feet on the top rope and rocks back into a slingshot suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship stomps and kicks Syberus on the mat. He pulls Syberus up by the hair and whacks him with another chop. AVB smashes Syberus with a right hand.
Syberus kicks Alexander Von Blankenship in the side of the knees, and then basement dropkicks AVB in the kneecap
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus ties AVB’s legs up with his arms and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf! He plants his feet and pulls back on the twisted legs of Alexander Von Blankenship. He’s bending the undefeated Von Blankenship in half!
Tommy Milligan checks in but Alexander Von Blankenship shakes his head, refusing to give up. AVB crawls over to the side of the ring and hooks the bottom rope, and Milligan gives Syberus the five count to break the texas cloverleaf
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus irish whips AVB into the ropes, he dips down for a backdrop but Alexander Von Blankenship catches him with a swinging neckbreaker!
Alexander Von Blankenship and Syberus lie on the mat as Tommy Milligan lays in the double count
…One!
…Two!
…Three!
…Four!
…Five!
Alexander Von Blankenship sits up while Syberus lies sprawled out on the mat
…Six!
…Seven!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship gets to his feet first and breaks the count. He scoops Syberus up and tosses him across the ring with a fallaway slam!
Hardkore Hall boos as both men lie on the mat, dazed. Then AVB kips up to his feet and the jeers get louder. The fans chant “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” Alexander Von Blankenship eggs them on
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB scoops him up, but Syberus falls behind him in an inverted facelock and drops down for a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus puts his knees on Von Blankenship’s stomach, and then grinds his holding a forearm over AVB’s face
Von Blankenship stomps his feet into the canvas as Syberus saws that forearm into his face. Then Syberus pulls down his kneepad and the fans pop. He kneedrops the inside of Alexander Von Blankenship’s elbow with his exposed knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Muscle Killer! Another one! AVB tries to hide his arm from Syberus, but Syberus is able to extend it again and hit his forearm with another Muscle Killer kneedrop
Syberus applies an ude garami and Hardkore Hall cheers. He presses down on Alexander Von Blankenship’s wrist while twisting on his elbow.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan checks in but Alexander Von Blankenship refuses to give up. Syberus will certainly miss this building, it is where he won the 2006 Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup twice. Once in 2006 and once in 2008. It is also where he lost the Hardkore World Championship to Cobryn in 2007.
Von Blankenship grimaces but refuses to give up. He scoots over and hooks the bottom rope and Tommy Milligan forces Syberus to break the ude garami. Syberus obliges but stands on Von Blankenship’s fingers! The crowd cheers as Milligan argues with Syberus to get off his opponent’s hand
Syberus: I have absolutely no idea what you’re going on about. I’m not standing on his…oh, would you look at that. I absolutely am. I’m so embarrassed. Don’t be mad, Tommy. Promise me you’re not mad.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pulls him up to his feet with a full nelson, but Alexander Von Blankenship mule kicks him in the groin!
Phillip Blauer: Shades of his old man I surmise.
The Palm Springs Convention Center thunders with boos while Syberus stands in the center of the ring, holding his balls. Alexander Von Blankenship measures him and then superkicks Syberus upside the head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!
The boos get louder as AVB does the sign of the cross, and a chant of “Fuck You Rat Boy! Fuck You Rat Boy! Fuck You Rat Boy!” fills the Hall
Phillip Blauer: I have half a mind to wash every mouth out here with soap.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rat Boy, I mean, AVB shoots Syberus into the ropes and takes him out with a spinning heel kick!
Alexander Von Blankenship gets on top of Syberus and hammers him with punches until Syberus resistance stops. He hauls off and slaps Syberus across the face, getting an “OH!” replaced with absolute vitriol from the Palm Springs fans. AVB gets up and preens to the crowd, soaking in their hate
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lifts him up into a suplex but Syberus floats over onto his feet behind him with a russian legsweep!
The fans cheer as Syberus and AVB lie on the mat, exhausted. Von Blankenship pulls himself up by the ropes, but Syberus grabs him from behind and drops down into a backcracker! AVB sits up with his back arched in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs his arm and drops down into a cross armbar. He rows back on that aching arm of Von Blankenship, after wearing it down for the past 15 minutes.
The Palm Springs fans are getting rowdy as Von Blankenship tries to hang on while Syberus attempts to pull his arm out of it’s socket. Finally AVB gets to his knees and pokes Syberus in the eye to escape the cross armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: A blinded Syberus throws an errant kick, but AVB catches his leg and dragon whips him to the ground. He stomps Syberus’ knee a couple times, using the ropes for leverage.
Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Syberus up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes, catching him on the way back with a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship spits on Syberus! The disrespect is unbelievable! This isn’t about trying to win a championship. This has turned into AVB trying to tear down the legacy of Syberus.
The building rains boos on Alexander Von Blankenship with some cups being thrown in the ring. Syberus struggles to get up as Von Blankenship eggs on the crowd, then starts pointing at his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship comes at him with the Baptism superman punch, but Syberus pulls down the top rope and ties AVB in the ropes!
Hardkore Hall comes unglued as Syberus shakes with rage in the ring while Von Blankenship is helpless in the ropes. AVB shakes his head, pleading his case to Syberus, who is red in the face, promising violence.
Alexander Von Blankenship: Bro, bro…you don’t have to do this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus smashes AVB in the face with an elbow smash! Another, and another!
The crowd is at a fever pitch as Syberus cracks Von Blankenship with elbow after elbow. Syberus pulls him out of the ropes with a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: European Three Quarter Nelson! Syberus pushes down on the back of Von Blankenship’s neck while cranking up on his chicken winged wrist.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Alexander Von Blankenship shakes his head, refusing to quit. AVB throws his head back, smashing Syberus in the nose with the back of his head! Syberus staggers back a few steps, while covering his nose
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus release full nelson suplexes Alexander Von Blankenship, no bridge, all impact!
Syberus rolls up to his feet, with blood dripping from a cut over the top of his nose. He checks his nose and comes back with a bloody hand. Syberus grabs a double underhook on Alexander Von Blankenship’s arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Butterfly Lock! Syberus plants the balls of his feet and torques back on Alexander Von Blankenship’s arms.
Phillip Blauer: Syberus has been putting money in the bank on those shoulders, and now is trying to cash in with the Butterfly Lock.
Tommy Milligan asks Alexander Von Blankenship if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head, refusing to give up. AVB works his way to his feet with Syberus still hanging onto the double underhook
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship backdrops Syberus up and over to escape the Butterfly Lock!
The Palm Springs fans boos as Alexander Von Blankenship feeds off their hate. Syberus drips blood on the canvas from the bridge of his nose. AVB double underhooks Syberus’ arms and flips him over onto his face with an angel’s wings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Purification!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship gut wrenches him up onto his shoulder and then sits out into a barry white driver!! Desecration!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus claps his legs together on Von Blankenship’s head!
Both men lie on the mat, completely exhausted; their hair drenched in sweat. The Palm Springs fans applaud the match as Tommy Milligan lays in the double count.
…One!
…Two!
…Three!
Alexander Von Blankenship rolls to his side and the fans start booing, while Syberus is motionless
…Four!
…Five!
The jeers fill the Palm Springs Convention Center as AVB pulls himself up by the ropes. Syberus gets to his feet, and Alexander Von Blankenship gets underneath him with a human torture rack
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship goes for his Omnipotence burning hammer but his shoulder goes out and Syberus lands on his feet!
The jeers turn to cheers as Syberus roundhouse kicks Alexander Von Blankenship in the side. He single underhooks AVB’s arm and drives his skull into the mat with his DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pure Confidence!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle plays and the Palm Springs fans leap to their feet and celebrate! Water bottles and beer cups fly in the air in jubilation! Syberus lays on the mat with blood dripping from his nose. Tommy Milligan goes and retrieves the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 26 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The unprecedented four time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion has become the unprecedented five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!
Syberus accepts the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Tommy Milligan and holds the belt in the air. He seems overcome with emotion as he nods towards the ovation he gets from the audience. Ringside physician Andy Valentine Jr. checks Alexander Von Blankenship’s shoulder on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus said that he was going to recapture the spirit of Hardkore World and he certainly has, by winning the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in an amazing match with Alexander Von Blankenship.
Syberus stands on the second rope holding the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over his head while the fans roar! Alexander Von Blankenship argues with Tommy Milligan about the count and then pushes him on his way out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you fans for joining us at Palm Springs Punishment 2022 and for making it the event it is and will continue to be. Please join us in LA next month where we will decide the new Hardkore West Coast Champion!
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Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to Palm Springs Punishment 2022! Our first PPV in ten years! This is the last time we will be in the historic Palm Springs Convention Center before we expand to the Acrisure Arena. The new Hardkore Hall.
Phillip Blauer: Why are we back here? It’s 115 with humidity! So many people passed out waiting to get in that we had to set up a triage in the parking lot.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, in one of the most Hardkore World’s most historic matches in the past 20 years, we find out who is the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion; Alexander Von Blankenship or Syberus?
Phillip Blauer: This will be looked back on for countless years, so I made sure to look my best.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Are…are you wearing make-up?
Phillip Blauer: It’s called a glow up, Geraldo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then it’s an old fashioned LA Freeway match. Two cars in the ring, The Sheik and Kilroy, no ropes, and no mercy. Malcolm Xavier Graves will be suspended above the ring in a shark cage. The winner of the match will get the button to bring him down. Kilroy and The Sheik will be able to use those two cars to disfigure one another however they want to until one of them is pinned.
Phillip Blauer: Really a dereliction of duty with the safety of our performers here tonight.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and Kilroy Evans have asked for this match, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: I’m talking of course, about allowing a pro wrestling crew suspend anyone over the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, that. Well, Rocky Valentine Jr. seems to have it all under control.
An HMI light falls on from the ceiling and crashes down on their table. Phil and Guillermo both stare at it horrified.
Rocky Valentine Jr.: Woops, let me get that. Mercury must be in retrograde, you know?
Rocky collects the heavy, broken light from their table
Phillip Blauer: He’s a good egg though.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sure. Then we have the Reedy Creek Rules match, the only kind of match Marty would agree to to settle this feud with Natalie Burrows that goes back decades.
Phillip Blauer: (rubbing hands together) I’m excited to see who they dress as. My vote is for the 7 foot bear from Song of the South. The first victim of cancel culture. He represents a nostalgic valentine to a past long forgotten because it didn’t really exist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan is trying everything to throw Natalie off her game, making her jump through all these hoops to get to him. One wonders if it will be enough to allow him the victory. Then we have a dream match between two of the top cruiserweights of the past decade, battling it out in Hardkore World’s biggest show of the year.
Phillip Blauer: And we only have 1,500 paid??
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s an intimate venue, Phil. Then it’s a clash of two of Hardkore World’s most decorated wrestlers in it’s history. Andrew Karnage vs. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar.
Phillip Blauer: You know, I had one of his action dolls lying around when the cook’s son was visiting, so I gave the little tyke one. He left all the swords out and when I sat down I got a katana right up my shuriken!
A rimshot is heard off camera. The shot widens to show the Hardkore World intern Andy Valentine Jr. seated in front of the drum kit next to the announce table
Phillip Blauer: Thank you, Andy. That’ll be all.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s just gonna leave that there?
Phillip Blauer: He’s not ring crew, Gorgonzola, that’s Donnie Valentine Jr.
“Savage” by Megan Thee Stallion and Beyoncé plays and the fans jump to their feet. “Sexy” Anjanette Turner jogs down the ring, slapping fans hands and then sliding in to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: In San Diego, Anjanette Turner went to a thrilling time limit draw with Andrew Karnage in the first round of the Hardkore West Coast Championship tournament. Now she looks to put her 27 years of experience on the line against Poena, The Sanctified here tonight to open up Palm Springs Punishment 2022! Despite being Jonnie Valentine’s wife, she has has asked for no special treatment and wants to earn everything on her own.
Phillip Blauer: Still no word on my foot bath. I’m sure she’s just going through all the summer time off requests first.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This has been a lucky town for Anjanette. He first match here back in 1995, she defeated Ms. Alexandria Macabre for her first of five Hardkore World Women’s Championships. 10 years later, in 2005, she beat Horror Girl for the same belt.
Greg Jin: “Hello Ladies and Gentleman, and welcome to Hardkore Hall and Palm Springs Punishment 2022!!”
The Palm Springs fans roar and start chatting “HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!”
Greg Jin: “Our first match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, from Las Vegas, Nevada; She Stands 5 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 180 pounds; She is the only five time Hardkore World Women’s Champion…’SEXY’ ANJANETTE TURNER!!!”
Hardkore Hall lets out a deafening pop for the beloved Sexy Anj then a voice comes over the Palm Springs Convention Center
Nisi per dolorem potest salvari...
Phillip Blauer: Jumping Jehosaphat! Who said that?
The lights go pitch back as the eerie bells and words fill Hardkore Hall. Each time the choir sings, red spotlights blaze down, revealing Poena standing at the top of the ramp, a black silhouette with his arms raised out to the sides with his palms and face up to the heavens.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We saw the decimation of longtime veteran Flamboyant Red in Coachella by this Poena, The Sanctified.
Phillip Blauer: You watch those TV tapings?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Of course, you don’t?
Phillip Blauer: For free? Yeah, why don’t I do Jonnie’s laundry while I’m at it?
As the music picks up the red spotlights stay on him as he lowers his arms and walks toward the ring holding his twisted rosary, made of teeth and bone with a dagger for a cross, in his hands as if praying as he walks down the ramp, his crazed smile breaking out into an even crazier grin as he does.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena is a follower of a religion only spoken about in whispers, that is based on the concept of pain and suffering being the only way to reach salvation.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, so he’s Catholic.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, Phil…
Phillip Blauer: Well, I told you I don’t watch the cockamamie TV tapings. What time are they on, anyway?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pretty late. Based on what I’ve seen in Fireside and Tapout, he’s a sadistic madman who is a technical wrestling savant.
Poena rolls into the ring as the spotlights turn to brightest white, going to his knees in the same pose he held on the ramp with the rosary clenched in his right hand, whispering a silent prayer to himself and yelling “REPENT!” to the heavens before smirking at the crowd and getting up to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena has said that he is here to sanctify Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t I do that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re thinking of being sanctimonious.
Phillip Blauer: That’s the one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He wants to start with the popular five time Hardkore Women’s Champion “Sexy” Anjanette Turner to show the fans what they can expect from his campaign of violence.
Greg Jin: “And her opponent is from The Ninth Deep; He Stands 6 feet tall and 190 pounds; The Dark Savior, The Master Of Digital Manipulation, The Demon of the Ninth Deep…POENA, THE SANCTIFIED!!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo loudly while Poena has a deranged smile on his face, staring at “Sexy” Anjanette Turner
One Fall, 30 Minute Time Limit
"Sexy" Anjanette Turner vs. Poena, The Sanctified
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Poena moves in on Anjanette, and hits her in the chest with a chop. Another one backs her into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified shoots her into the ropes and then puts her down with a running shoulder tackle.
Poena stomps her elbow, getting a loud heel pop from the audience. He straightens Turner’s arm out and then stomps on her fingers. Anj screams and pulls back her hand to her body
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena picks her up for a uranage, but Turner elbows her way out of it. She spins into a roundhouse kick that takes Poena off his feet!
Palm Springs Convention Center cheers and “Sexy” Anjanette Turner applies a reverse chinlock. She locks her hands together and grinds her arm along Poena’s jawline
Guillermo O’Bannon: The veteran Anjanette Turner slowing things down here. She flattens out her body to put more pressure on the back of Poena’s head. Turner wrestling in this building for the first time since Palm Springs Punishment 2006 when she successfully defended her Hardkore World Women’s Championship in a fourway ladder match against Tamara Sanchez, Tracee Nguyen, and Jane Tyyra.
“Sexy” Anjanette Turner converts it into a dragon sleeper with an armlock. She peels back on Peona’s head, while cranking back on his arm as well. The fans applaud.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena now trying to fight his way to his feet. He twists out into a suplex position, lifts Turner up but then just drops her on her back in a free fall with the money clip!!
The cheers turn to jeers as Poena stares at her lying on the mat. Poena goes down and laces her arm behind his head and applies an arm trap crossface, making the fans boo even louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified planting those feet and pushing off to bend her head and trapped arm.
Poena sticks his tongue out to the camera, while trying to break Turner’s neck and shoulder. He finally releases it and kneedrops the back of her shoulder, and then rolls Anj onto her back. Poena steps out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: A beautiful slingshot senton by Poena, The Sanctified!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anjanette Turner kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena twists Anj’s arm and then brings it down across his shoulder with an armbreaker!
Turner clutches her elbow, holding it close to her body. Poena irish whips Anjanette into the corner, and then spins into a discus corner clothesline but Anj catches him with a flatliner into the turnbuckle!! The fans let out an “OH!!” at the impact of Poena’s face into the turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Sexy” Anjanette Turner grabs him by the hair and bashes his face into the turnbuckle again.
Poena staggers out of the corner, as Anjanette steps up on the second turnbuckle. He turns around and gets caught with a helicopter rana!! Hardkore Hall chants “SEXY ANJ! SEXY ANJ! SEXY ANJ!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Turner applies a stepover toehold. She wrenches that knee to the side, twisting his leg.
Richie Richardson checks in to see if Poena wants to give up, but he shakes his head. Poena contorts his body until he dragon screws his way out of the stepover toehold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena scoops her up into a gutbuster, then steps over her arm into a kneeling armbreaker. He pulls up on her wrist, using his 190 pounds to sit on the back of her arm trying to hyperextend that elbow.
The Palm Springs Convention Center boos as the camera pushes in on Poena’s wide and crazed eyes. One is red, bloodshot, and twitching while the other is a mesmerizing sight of slowly shifting colors and points of light almost like a nebula
Phillip Blauer: Our director Danny Valentine Jr. doesn’t need to do any further push ins on that man’s eyes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified releases her arm for a second, then steps on the back of her shoulder, stepping down into a stomping armbreaker.
Poena yells “REPENT!!” and gets a huge wave of heckling in return. He gets underneath a rising Turner and drops her on the back of her head with a snap backdrop suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena slumps her over the ropes and applies a rope assisted manji-gatame tarantula. He pulls back on her arm while straddling those ropes and pushing her head down with his leg.
Richie Richardson gives him the count to break and gets up to seven.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has a five count to break it.
Phillip Blauer: What is this? Europe??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena shoots her into the ropes and comes with a lariat, but “Sexy” Anjanette ducks and takes him into the ropes and back into a backroll press!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Poena kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Sexy” Anjanette Turner goes to pull him up by the hair but Poena blows a turquoise mist in her eyes!!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos as the 5 time Hardkore World Womens’ Champion staggers around the ring, blinded until she falls into a sitting position. Poena steps over Turner and laces his legs over her shoulders and then sits on the back of her head, with her arms locked in the up position in his hypernormalisation submission
Guillermo O’Bannon: Penance! Poena locks his hands together and rocks back on that aching shoulder of Anjanette!
Richie Richardson checks in to see if she taps out and she is forced to give up!! The bell rings and the fans boo as "Malleus Maleficarum” by Peter Gundrey plays. Poena released Penance and giggles as Richie raises his arm
Greg Jin: “At 8 minutes 23 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…POENA, THE SANCTIFIED!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena came into this match looking to make a statement, and he certainly did that with a big win in his first match over “Sexy” Anjanette Turner.
Phillip Blauer: He definitely reminded me to make a stop at church this Sunday. Something about his crazed eyes and bottomless sadism has me nostalgic for a sermon.
Poena, The Sanctified makes eye contact with every booing fan as he walks up the aisle back to the locker room
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified is one to watch in Hardkore World in the coming months. The eventual champions would do well to keep an eye on him.
Phillip Blauer: As well as the proper authorities.
***commercial***
Ronnie, The Merch Guy, a grizzled New York merchandise mover standing in front of cheap green screen that has Hardkore World highlights playing behind him
Ronnie, The Merch Guy: Well, hello there. Ya know, I get asked all the time. “Ronnie. A wrestling shirt is appropriate for any occasion. Weddings, job interviews, anythin! But what about when I’m trying to pitch woo if ya knows what I mean?” And now we have our answer, from JonTech to our very boudoirs. This is the new Komar Kimono! Dress just like “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar does in dis 100% pure faux silk number that cries out “Take me, before the picture in picture commercial break is over.”. Lemme tell you this is hand stitched by child labor in some godforsaken country in a way that frankly puts our good for nuttin kids to shame. Lie about your abode with nothing else on but a decadent silk kimono in colors made by highly toxic chemicals that may or may not eventually seep in your skin and have been shown to cause lobster hands in newborns.
Ronnie, The Merch Guy: If that ain’t your bag, we got deez Kilroy red vests that look like the one Lowe’s employees wear.
Ronnie holds it up with pride
Ronnie, The Merch Guy: See? It’s got his little name where the Lowe’s should be. No? He did a promo at a Lowe’s a couple months ago and it took a while to get them made and what are ya gonna do? Eh? Please buy em, cause the Lowe’s people say they’re gonna sue.
Ronnie puts down the Kilroy vest
Ronnie, The Merch Guy: Ever say to yourself, “I wanna become a tea guy but I’m an uncultured American who don’t know his ass from Earl Grey?” Syberus to the rescue with Syberus’ own “The American’s First Tea Set”. It’s got everything in here, ya got your teas. Your cups. Your little spoons. Look at that thing. I wanna feed Stuart Little soup with this thing after a bad day. So visit HardkoreShop.com to see what your lookin to spend. And remember, don’t wash the shirts alot because they ain’t that well put together.
[The feed fades to Kilroy Evans standing in front of a green screen. He smiles warmly at the camera.]
Kilroy Evans: Hi. You know, I realize that The Sheik may miss the subtle nuances of my earlier message to him. So that's why I wanted to recap it for him before our match, make sure he really knows where I'm coming from. That's why I've officially bought ad time on the show and enlisted one of the premiere voice over talents for local and regional car commercials to help highlight the deep themes of what I want him to know from my heart and soul. Okay, let's do it!
[Kilroy moves over and sits on a chair by the screen and footage is keyed onto the green screen. It's highlights of Kilroy and Sheik's previous encounters. Then the music and VO kick in. Everything the voice over is saying is captioned over the footage. Kilroy never stops smiling excitedly.]
FUCK YOU, SHEIK!
IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO AGREE TO WRESTLE ME, YOU'RE A BIG ENOUGH SCHMUCK TO DO IT IN AN LA FREEWAY MATCH AT PALM SPRINGS PUNISHMENT!
CHAIR SHOTS! DROPS ONTO CONCRETE! MAYBE AN ACTUAL SCIMITAR, WHY THE HELL NOT?!
IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO GET A MOMENT'S REST AFTER THAT BELL RINGS, YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!
IT'S MY BELIEF THAT YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER THAT YOU'LL FALL FOR THIS, GUARANTEED, BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO GET OFF YOUR BULLSHIT!
IF YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS! YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!
BRING YOUR SKILLS, BRING YOUR FRIENDS, BRING A GUN, WHO GIVES A FUCK!
BECAUSE AT PALM SPRINGS PUNISHMENT, YOU'RE FUCKED SIX WAYS FROM SUNDAY!
I'LL FIGHT YOU ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, FOR ANY REASON, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THE MOON! THAT'S RIGHT, ON THE MOON! HOW DOES THAT WORK?
IF YOU CAN STEAL A RIDE FROM BEZOS OR MUSK AND GET YOUR ASS TO THE MOON, I WILL MEET YOU UP THERE! THEN I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS LIKE THE LITTLE MOON-BITCH YOU ARE, NO MONEY DOWN!
DON'T WAIT, DON'T DELAY, DON'T FUCK WITH ME OR I'LL RIP YOUR NUTS OFF!
MAKE YOUR PEACE, ASSHOLE!
YOU USED MALCOLM XAVIER GRAVES TO WRITE A CHECK STRAIGHT TO ME AND I'VE GOT A RECEIPT ALREADY ADDRESSED TO ONE DEAD MOTHERFUCKER.
RIP IN SHIT AND SEE YOU IN THE RING!
[The footage stops and Kilroy, still smiling his toothy smile, gives a thumbs up as the shot cuts away.]
Kilroy Evans: Hi. You know, I realize that The Sheik may miss the subtle nuances of my earlier message to him. So that's why I wanted to recap it for him before our match, make sure he really knows where I'm coming from. That's why I've officially bought ad time on the show and enlisted one of the premiere voice over talents for local and regional car commercials to help highlight the deep themes of what I want him to know from my heart and soul. Okay, let's do it!
[Kilroy moves over and sits on a chair by the screen and footage is keyed onto the green screen. It's highlights of Kilroy and Sheik's previous encounters. Then the music and VO kick in. Everything the voice over is saying is captioned over the footage. Kilroy never stops smiling excitedly.]
FUCK YOU, SHEIK!
IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO AGREE TO WRESTLE ME, YOU'RE A BIG ENOUGH SCHMUCK TO DO IT IN AN LA FREEWAY MATCH AT PALM SPRINGS PUNISHMENT!
CHAIR SHOTS! DROPS ONTO CONCRETE! MAYBE AN ACTUAL SCIMITAR, WHY THE HELL NOT?!
IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO GET A MOMENT'S REST AFTER THAT BELL RINGS, YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!
IT'S MY BELIEF THAT YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER THAT YOU'LL FALL FOR THIS, GUARANTEED, BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO GET OFF YOUR BULLSHIT!
IF YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS! YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!
BRING YOUR SKILLS, BRING YOUR FRIENDS, BRING A GUN, WHO GIVES A FUCK!
BECAUSE AT PALM SPRINGS PUNISHMENT, YOU'RE FUCKED SIX WAYS FROM SUNDAY!
I'LL FIGHT YOU ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, FOR ANY REASON, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!
I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THE MOON! THAT'S RIGHT, ON THE MOON! HOW DOES THAT WORK?
IF YOU CAN STEAL A RIDE FROM BEZOS OR MUSK AND GET YOUR ASS TO THE MOON, I WILL MEET YOU UP THERE! THEN I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS LIKE THE LITTLE MOON-BITCH YOU ARE, NO MONEY DOWN!
DON'T WAIT, DON'T DELAY, DON'T FUCK WITH ME OR I'LL RIP YOUR NUTS OFF!
MAKE YOUR PEACE, ASSHOLE!
YOU USED MALCOLM XAVIER GRAVES TO WRITE A CHECK STRAIGHT TO ME AND I'VE GOT A RECEIPT ALREADY ADDRESSED TO ONE DEAD MOTHERFUCKER.
RIP IN SHIT AND SEE YOU IN THE RING!
[The footage stops and Kilroy, still smiling his toothy smile, gives a thumbs up as the shot cuts away.]
Fade back to Hardkore Hall where two elderly men in clown facepaint are standing in the ring with an oversize check. Greg Jin stands in the center of the ring
Phillip Blauer: And now, Now the local chapter of Juggalos will present a scholarship to a local rapscallion.
Slappy 1 Nut: Hello, we are the Palm Springs Juggalos Chapter #1534.
Lil FuckAzz: Two scoops of the Woot!
A scattered reaction from both out and closeted juggalos in the crowd
Lil FuckAzz: Tell ‘em why your name is Slappy 1 Nut!
Slappy 1 Nut: War is hell, kids. Now, we are here to present the local Palm Springs Juggalos Chapter #1534 Great Melinko scholarship award to the high schooler who exhibits the most juggalation. So let me present, the Ninja of the Year, Big Baby!
A teen in clown paint comes out and waves at the fans who cheer him. Slappy 1 Nut and LilFuckAzz pose with the check and then leave the ring.
Then "Cayenne" from Final Fantasy 6 plays and the fans cheer as “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar walks down to the ring wearing his “Deathstryke” t-shirt available at HardkoreShop.com, with a ponytail with a lead ball at the end.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In San Diego, Cyan Komar defeated Blaze Freya to advance to the threeway dance between Natalie Burrows and The Sheik in Los Angeles as well as picking up a win over Bella in Coachella.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, you’re a poet and was not aware of it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But now he’s taking on the powerhouse Andrew Karnage, who can end a match as quick as a flash with that Nightmare Lariat. But the much more experienced Cyan Komar knows the human body, joints, and ways to hurt you like no other competitor I’ve ever seen.
Phillip Blauer: No kidding. He’s got moves only he can wake you up from. He’s wrestling’s Conrad Murray!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar says Karnage and Kilroy Evans' run in Hardkore America occurred because Final Contract had been de-emphasized by "The Brain" Allen Anderson. Komar has been on a roll lately, and a win over a guy like Andrew Karnage at Palm Springs Punishment 2022 could put him in a number of conversations.
Phillip Blauer: Still, I’m not feeling that shirt. He needs an official Komar Kimodo!
Greg Jin: "The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds…’DEATHSTRYKE’ CYAN KOMAR!!!”
The fans give him a mild pop
The funky bass line of "Death By Suplex" by Powered Wig Machine starts up and the lights in Hardkore Hall flicker in time to the pulsing beat, golds and blues. When the lyrics start up, Andrew Karnage walks out with a half-smile on his face to a roaring crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lost to Alexander Von Blankenship in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship tournament, and then went to a time limit draw with “Sexy” Anjanette Turner in the first round of the Hardkore West Coast Championship tournament, but now he needs to get in the willing column tonight here against “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar.
Andrew Karnage idly slaps hands with the fans as he walks to the ring, and slides under the bottom rope and throws up a sign language K to the roar of the crowd.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Hurricane, Utah; Standing 6 feet 5 inches tall; Weighing 263 pounds, …ANDREW KARNAGE!!!”
Huge pop from the Palm Springs fans as Karnage locks eyes with Cyan Komar
One Fall, 30 Minute Time Limit
Andrew Karnage vs. "Deathstryke" Cyan Komar
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and Karnage and Komar circle one another. Karnage puts out his hand, and Komar looks at it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar shakes Karnage’s hand.
Phillip Blauer: Jolly good.
Guillermo O’Bannon: They lock up in a collar and elbow tie up and Cyan Komar takes Karnage over in a fireman’s carry, and then applies a headlock.
The fans chant “Kar-nage! Kar-nage! Kar-nage!” as Komar tries to wear down the bigger man with the headlock. Karnage fights his way to his feet and tries to pick him up for a backdrop driver, but Komar puts a stop to that by clamping down on the headlock harder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Komar drills Karnage’s skull into the mat with a headlock driver!
Komar waits for Karnage to rise and and then whacks him with a knife edge chop to the chest to get a “Woo!” out of the crowd. He smacks Karnage with another one that backs him up, but Andrew comes back with a forearm blow to the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar responds with a knife edge finger jam to his throat. Karnage with another clubbing forearm.
Phillip Blauer: Katy, bar the door! We got a pier six brawl.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another forearm by Karnage, and Komar hits him in the chest with an open palm strike. He goes for another, but Karnage grabs his arms and begins striking him with muy thai knees to his midsection.
Andrew Karnage grabs Komar by the ponytail, leans back, and hits him with a big headbutt that knocks Cyan Komar to the mat and gets a big pop from the crowd! Karnage grabs Komar’s leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage sits back on the single leg, trying to hyperextend Cyan Komar’s knee. He plants his foot on the side of Komar’s face! The last Palm Springs Punishment that Andrew Karnage was in was 12 years ago in 2012, when he wrestled “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan in a match to win his freedom when he was Marty’s slave.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, the good old days. When slavery reigned in pro wrestlng.
The Palm Springs fans cheer as Karnage grinds the heel of his boot into the back of Cyan Komar’s head. Kelly O’Connell asks Komar if he wants to give up but he shakes his head. Cyan Komar twists himself until he returns to his back, and then rolls back onto his feet, but Andrew Karnage hangs onto Komar’s boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar spins into a roundhouse kick, but Andrew Karnage blocks it. Komar responds with a roundhouse kick from the other direction!
The crowd lets out a collective “OH!” at the way Komar’s kick connected. Cyan Komar irish whips Karnage and catches him with a corkscrew dropkick that pops the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Komar climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Andrew Karnage to get to his feet. He dives off with a knife edge thrust that catches Karnage right in the throat!
Karnage sits up, clutching his throat, trying to breathe in vain. He gets to his feet, still holding his esophagus but Komar flips over the top of him to catch him with a diamond cutter!! The Palm Springs fans cheer
…ONE!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar full nelson suplexes Andrew Karnage!
Andrew Karnage no-sells it to the roar of the crowd and grabs Cyan Komar in a full nelson of his own
Phillip Blauer: It appears Andrew Karnage would like to speak to the manager.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage drops back into a dragon suplex!
…ONE!
…Cyan Komar rolls his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage rolls “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar up into a rear waistlock and drops back into a german suplex with a perfect bridge!
…ONE!
..TWO!
…Cyan Komar gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage rolls him back up into a half nelson hammerlock and then snaps backwards into a tiger suplex! Death By Suplex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cyab Komar rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage lifts Cyan Komar up into a suplex, and then drives him down onto his face with a gourdbuster!
Komar rolls around on the mat, holding his face and kicking his toes in the mat. Karnage pulls him up by the ponytail, but Cyan hits him with a knuckle strike to his thoat! Karnage clutches his throat, and Komar irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mute Strike! And now “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar catches Andrew Karnage with a huracanrana with a cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage has barely enough time to get to his feet before Cyan Komar comes crashing down on the back of his head with an ax kick!
“Deathstryke” Cyan Komar gets on top of Karnage and hits him in the face with some open hand palm strikes. Komar pulls him up into a suplex but the bigger man blocks it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lifts him up into a suplex but just leaves him up there for a while!
The Palm Springs fans applaud at the feat of Karnage leaving “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar up there so long. After a while, Andrew Karnage motions for more applause from Hardkore Hall and gets it. He finally drops to the mat, and Komar sits up with his back arched in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage laces his leg behind Komar’s neck and arm in a stranglehold gamma. He sits low so he can crank back on Cyan Komar’s arm, and put pressure on the back of his neck.
Andrew Karnage presses down on his head, tucking Komar’s chin into his chest. He finally releases the stranglehold gamma and pulls Cyan Komar up by his ponytail. Karnage irish whips Komar into the corner, but Deathstryke runs up the corner and comes back with a roundhouse kick that pops the crowd
Phillip Blauer: What a splendid karate thing!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar applies a claw. He presses the palm of his hand into Karnage’s forehead with that powerful hand of his, while pressing his temples in with his pinky and thumb.
Karnage groans in pain while Komar uses his left hand to hold his right wrist, steadying the pressure. Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Andrew Karnage submits but he shakes his head. Then she notices that Karnage’s shoulders are down.
…ONE!
…Karnage gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar hangs onto that claw and forces Andrew Karnage’s shoulders back to the mat.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Andrew Karnage gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage works his way back up to his feet, and hammers Komar with forearms until he is free of that claw. Komar responds with an open palm strike to his nose!
Andrew Karnage goes down to one knee, and Cyan Komar tags him in the side of the head with a shining wizard! The Palm Springs fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sound of the kick, and Komar steps up the ropes to the top turnbuckle. Cyan Komar backflips into a moonsault double stomp to Karnage’s chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sternum Buster!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out!
The fans cheer as Karnage pulls himself up by the ropes. The Palm Springs fans chart “KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!!” He feeds off their energy and uses it to pump himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage turns around into Cyan Komar who throws a fireball in his face!!!
The Palm Springs fans gasp as Karnage drops to the mat, holding his face and stomping his heels into the mat in agony.
Phillip Blauer: I could feel the heat back here! I think it melted some of my make up.
The fans are stone silent as Komar covers him, the only sound in Hardkore Hall is Kelly O’Connell making the count
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Cayenne" from Final Fantasy 6 plays and the fans boo as Karnage flops around the mat, screaming and holding his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: I cannot believe Cyan Komar threw fire at Andrew Karnage, a man he’s known for 20 years.
Phillip Blauer: Bet those Cyan Komar action figures are going to be half price tomorrow.
Greg Jin: “At 13 minutes 56 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’DEATHSTRYKE’ CYAN KOMAR!!!”
“Deathstryke” Cyan Komar stands in the ring, emotionlessly watching Andrew Karnage’s torment. Then the jeers turn to cheers suddenly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans, Natalie Burrows, Tuxedo Mask, and “Sexy” Anjanette Turner run down to the ring to rescue their friend who is danger of going blind!
Kilroy pours water onto some towels and then Natalie presses them to Karnage’s face. His screams are muffled through the towels and the boos, and Cyan Komar backs away from the ring, seemingly shocked he burned Karnage himself. Kilroy goes after Cyan Komar who dives to the apron, while still stoically backing up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy threatening “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar who had recently been marketed to children as a family friendly wrestler has shocked those in attendance and watching at home on pay per view with his sadism and callous indifference.
Phillip Blauer: Just like Komar said, Kilroy is real tough when "Knife Edge" Takeda Yokosuda isn't around.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Komar now goes from this to a monastary to find out what happened to his family and kill those responsible.
Phillip Blauer: That's alot to have on your plate. No wonder he tried to wrap this up so quickly.
Hardkore Hall chants “KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!! KARNAGE!!” as Karnage lies on the mat and is tended to by Hardkore World head medical technician Andy Valentine Jr. Kilroy Evans steps through the ropes, but Cyan Komar ducks out to the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hopefully Andrew Karnage is able to come back from this.
Phillip Blauer: Hopefully Andy Valentine Jr. is able to help him. I believe his previous occupation before his Uncle Jonnie’s generous promotion was a lifeguard at Knott’s Soak City.
(The camera opens on the great Syberus. The best wrestler to have ever graced the face of the earth. This generation. Last generation. Ultra4k. VHS. Ancient slate carvings. What? Oh yes. Ancient slate carvings foretold the arrival of the great Syberus. The great Syberus sits atop a mountain, no – hovers over the mountain, levitating, his eyes glowing yellow sun beams, his hair cracking with lightning. With the moon as a footstool, with a crown of galaxies, he sits on a throne of stars.)
Syberus, in a deep booming voice that explodes heads. We apologise for any inconvenience caused to anyone that has suffered from head explosion: “BEHOLD!”
“Alexander Von Blankenship.”
“Always Very Blessed.”
“You are indeed. Because tonight, your jaw will be blessed enough to be broken by the great Syberus's mighty fist. Your spine will be blessed by the great Syberus's knees. Your face will be blessed with the great Syberus's teabag.”
“FOUR TIMES HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF HARDKORE WORLD!!”
“That means you lost it four times, you say.”
“Yes, excellent. Excellent. I'm happy to hear that you are able to count. It is unfortunate I will soon be robbing you of that capability when I put your head through the ring.”
(Clouds gather at Syberus's feet forming stairs that allow him to descend to the ground, and his eyes and hair settle to normal as he climbs down. A pair of Cherubs fly a silk robe for him to wear and another brings an espresso.)
Syberus: “Thank you Galadrios, Jesophindrem, Alan.”
(They fly away.)
Syberus: “Your whole shtick is that I'm outdated – well, that anyone that isn't you is outdated more to the point. I get that you spend most your days in a Red Bull comedown crying self obsessed rants on Discord to your echo chamber, so the part where I mentioned coming back and winning a world title again just the other day probably slipped by you. World. Heavyweight. Champion. Just. The. Other. Day. Me and my best friend Jonnie Valentine did revolutionary stuff to win the Anzac Cup and prove that, unfortunately for you, true quality in this game doesn't diminish just because you're old enough to still have a Facebook page.”
“I've heard people claim to be ever-evolving over and over in this business. Same shit. Different decade. And unfortunately for you the squared circle still consists of the same canvas and ropes it always has. So tonight, the only way you get out of here without life altering injuries is if you evolve wings and fly out the fucking window. I am the great Syberus.”
(He walks past a harem of angels.)
Syberus:“Tonight is Palm Springs Punishment! Tonight IS HARDKORE WORLD! And don't get me wrong, it's fitting that this isn't just a tribute show and we have the new blood taking on the legend. It's great, it really is. You claim to be the hot new property in professional wrestling. And I know there'll be a generation of young fans that listen to the podcast you do every time you take a shit, that genuinely think you're the best there is. So, I think I should probably thank you if anything, for giving me the opportunity to correct them.”
“I'm going to flip you with a snapmare so hard you'll just keep spinning in the air over and over in a levitating wheel until your brain goes into your feet. We will have to wait a while for the momentum to bring you back down but thanks to your Arby's sponsorship we will have sandwiches.”
“I'm going to just keep doing back breakers over and over again until my knee eventually just erodes you away entirely through the middle and you actually fall in half”.
(Syberus nods acknowledgement to Zeus as they pass each other.)
Syberus: “But in all honesty your Arby's deal is a nice gig man, and it's cute that you're excited, I too remember my first corporate deal... and if you stay in the business as long as I have Alex, believe me, they just get bigger and better”.
(On cue Ronnie the Merch Guy appears chewing a cigar.)
Ronnie the Merch Guy: “Dat reminds me. Don't get too messed up tonight you've got dat Lithuanian sausage ad tomorrow.”
Syberus: “Kiek mėsos yra per daug mėsos? Nedaug. Tu esi kvailas!”
Ronnie the Merch Guy: “Poifect! Ya gonna be a stah over there kid!”
Syberus: “But Alex, let me ask you a question- who do you think ensured you got that prestigious sandwich sponsorship in the first place?”
[The camera switches to Paul Brown, CEO of Arby's, on the phone alone in this office. The tag line of the scene reads “several days ago”.]
Paul Brown: “Is the deal done?”
Voice on the other end: “It is done.”
[Without saying another word Paul Brown puts the phone down. He pours himself a whiskey and walks over to the window of his office looking out into the night sky. He sips his whiskey and starts to chuckle]
Paul Brown: Eheheh...
Ahaahahaha...
Hahahah....
[He rips off his silicone face mask to reveal Syberus underneath.]
Syberus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
[Lightning flashes outside and we return to the main scene.]
Syberus: “Tonight I feel the siren call of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. It's just in my reach! I can... I can feel it! I can feel it pulsing through my veins! I can feel it pulling at my soul! That Championship and me go way back, and I'm not letting a guy that cuts the same promo every week about how everyone else is getting old stop me from strapping it around my waist again.”
“Alex tonight you leave the ring a changed man. Both physically, in the sense that you will no longer resemble a man and more like some floppy, permanently bleeding sea bed fish, and metaphorically given that you'll know for sure now what it takes to succeed in Hardkore World.”
“It takes more than you have. It may very well take more than you will ever have”.
“Because what you done elsewhere 'aint worth squat.”
(He slaps his waist).
Syberus: “It's almost time.”
Fade back to the Palm Springs Convention Center where "Long Walk Home" by Howl Trance plays.
The masked Lynx walks out to loud cheers. He seems pleased at the reaction, and the fans slapping his shoulders as he walks by
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here it is, the match I’ve been waiting for. Maximum Japan Pro Wrestling’s greatest cruiserweight against Hardkore World’s greatest cruiserweight. What a dream match for the ages.
Phillip Blauer: I recently had a dream that I was golfing with Maury Povich. He sliced his ball wildly from the second tee, out of bounds, over the wall surrounding the course and into a neighboring parking lot. We both winced as we heard an ear-splitting shattering sound. His Titleist had gone straight through the windscreen of a parked car!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s great, Phil. Lynx wrestled The Sheik in San Diego in the Hardkore West Coast title tournament and defeated Dennis Steel in Coachella. He doesn’t have a bad word to say about Tuxedo Mask…
Phillip Blauer: I didn’t tell you the best part of my dream, Giancarlo. As we made our way tentatively down the fairway, a rather square looking fellow and his son vaulted the wall and began walking purposefully in our direction, holding a golf ball up in the air. “Your ball just smashed my windshield,” he shouted. And Maury said “My goodness, I’m terribly sorry, I just hit a horrible slice.” “Well, what are you going to do about it?” Raged the man. And Maury said “I suppose I’ll try strengthening my grip a little, oh, and that’s not your son.”
Eric Valentine Jr. hits a rimshot on his drum kit off camera
Guillermo O’Bannon: I should have known when I saw Eric sit down there. Lynx is looking to make a huge name for himself in Hardkore World by beating a man he watched as a youth and some say he patterned some of his style after. He hopes that after this match, Tuxedo Mask can learn that he can be a multitalented person, with his YouTube channel and such but to still have priorities.
Phillip Blauer: That’s actually very sweet, very rarely, when Ole Anderson was screaming into a microphone, was he worried about his opponent’s emotional well being. Very refreshing. Must be that European joie de vivre.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Sicily; Standing 6 feet 2 inches; Weighing 200 pounds; The Italian Stallion…LYNX!!!”
The Palm Springs fans roar
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and Hardkore Hall jumps to their feet! Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and pretends to be blown away by the reaction. He walks to the right side of the ramp at the Palm Springs Convention Center and soaks in the cheers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask has been training with Ri Eun-Ae, formerly known as Makoto Jupiter, and getting crisper with every match, as we saw in his win over James Hard in Coachella. He wants to reclaim his position amongst the Mount Rushmore of cruiserweights here in Hardkore World and a win over Lynx would help him immensely.
Tuxedo Mask encourages the Palm Springs fans’ cheers. Then he does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to pop the crowd even louder. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climb the turnbuckle for one last bit of adoration before preparing for the match.
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask thought he was wrestling an actual cat heading into this so, as usual, no telling what his actual focus is going into this one. But you like that, don't you? You like that he thought he was a cat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I do.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Tokushima, Japan; He Stands 5 feet 8 inches tall and Weighs 185 pounds; He is Official Wrestler of the Pro Wrestling Observer; The Star Chaser…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
The fans roar as Tuxedo Mask taps his heart
One Fall, 30 Minute Time Limit
Tuxedo Mask vs. Lynx
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell as Lynx locks up with Tuxedo Mask in a collar and elbow tie up. Lynx backs Tuxedo Mask back up into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan asking for a clean break. Instead, Lynx goes for a snap suplex, but Tux blocks it. Tuxedo Mask walks them into the center of the ring and reverses it into a snap suplex of his own.
Tuxedo Mask irish whips him into the ropes but Lynx comes back with a spinning heel kick that pops the crowd! Lynx pulls him up into a front facelock.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is Tuxedo Mask’s first Palm Springs Punishment since 2009 when he defeated Poke the Clown in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship tournament. Tux plants his feet and lifts Lynx up into a fireman’s carry. He spins into a TKO that drops Lynx’s throat on the top rope!
Lynx flops around on the mat, clutching his throat, finally coming to rest on the second rope. Tuxedo Mask hits the ropes and then slides through the top and middle ropes, then comes back around into a 619 kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx staggers back and Tuxedo Mask handsprings into a huracanrana!!
Hardkore Hall chants “Tux! Tux! Tux!” Tuxedo Mask pulls him up into ¾ nelson and runs to the corner, but Lynx kicks him off into the turnbuckles. Lynx runs in and dropkicks Tuxedo Mask in the corner getting an “OH!” out of the crowd! Lynx double underhooks Tux’s arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Butterfly suplex by Lynx! He twists Tuxedo Mask’s arm. Lynx holds Tuxedo Mask’s twisted arm by the wrist, then ducks under, and twists it a second time.
Tuxedo Mask cries out in pain, running in place. Tommy Milligan checks in but Tux shakes his head, refusing to quit. Tuxedo Mask finally returns the favor, and reverses it by giving Lynx a twist of his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask runs up the ropes and then goes up and over Lynx with a la majistral!
…ONE!
…Lynx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux grabs Lynx in a three quarter nelson. He runs into the corner, then runs up the turnbuckles into an acid drop bulldog!!
Hardkore Hall pops! Tuxedo Mask climbs to the top turnbuckle and motions for Lynx to rise. When Lynx gets to his feet, Tux jumps off with a corkscrew moonsault that makes the audience roar!! Tux hops onto the second turnbuckle facing the Palm Springs crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hits a split legged moonsault on Lynx!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lynx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux scoops him up into a bodyslam but Lynx falls behind him in an inverted facelock, and then drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx shoots him into the ropes and then takes out Tuxedo Mask with a cartwheel kick!
The fans cheer! Tuxedo Mask gets to his knees, but Lynx tattoos him with a shining wizard kick that get an “OH!” from Hardkore Hall
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx butterflies Tux’s arms and then flips him into a tiger driver!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask claps his legs together on Lynx’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx steps through the ropes out on to the apron, and slingshots himself onto the middle of the tope rope, springboarding into a knee that catches Tux right in the forehead!!
The crowd chants “Lynx! Lynx! Lynx!” Tux gets up but ducks a roundhouse kick but Lynx and atomic drops his groin on the top rope. He runs and then rolls into a koppo kick that knocks the perched Lynx to the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask runs into the ropes, handsprings his back into the ropes and then backflips once, twice, three times for a sasuke special!! Twilight Dance II!
The Palm Springs audience pops as both men lie on the floor. Tuxedo Mask goes and grabs a chair and climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with an asai moonsault with that chair, smashing Lynx in the face!!
The crowd gets rowdy and chants of “TUX! TUX! TUX!” fill the Palm Springs Convention Center. Tuxedo Mask picks the chair back and walks over to Lynx…and then unfolds the chair and sits in it. He turns to a striking woman in the front row
Tuxedo Mask: Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. Isn’t this a lovely match?
Phillip Blauer: Why this is just preposterous.
Tuxedo Mask: It’s fun to enjoy things, n'est pas? In Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman said “Do anything, but let it produce joy.” I actually have a copy in my hotel if you would like to come by and enjoy a passage or two…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx comes off the second turnbuckle with a moonsault on Tuxedo Mask sitting in that chair!!
Hardkore Hall roars as the two men lie in a heap with a chair underneath them. Lynx gets to his feet, and as Tuxedo Mask gets to his hands and knees, runs and punt kicks Tux in the mouth! The fans let out an “OH!” at the loud kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx rolls Tuxedo Mask back into the ring, half nelsons him and then drops him on his head with a wrist clutch exploder!
Lynx lifts a groggy Tux to his feet and sits him on the top turnbuckle. He steps up the second turnbuckle, but Tux slaps him in the ear. Lynx loses his footing, and slips back to to the mat, while Tux grabs him in a front facelock while still standing on the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tornado DDT! Tux grabs an inverted facelock and steps on the backs of Lynx’s knees, then rolls then up into a mexican surfboard! The Tuxmission!
The fans cheer as Tommy Milligan checks in to see if he wants to quit. Lynx shakes his head, and Tux rolls his eyes
Tuxedo Mask: What’s your problem? Give up!
Phillip Blauer: He makes a good point. What is his problem?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx getting bent in half as Tuxedo Mask pulls back on the dragon sleeper while pushing up against his knees with his feet, twisting those calves.
Lynx cries out in pain, but shouts out refusals to submit to Tommy Milligan. Finally, it is Tuxedo Mask that gives up on the Tuxmission, and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask jumps off with a corkscrew moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lynx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux twists Lynx’s arm and then pulls him into a three quarter nelson, backflipping into a shiranui seated DDT!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask irish whips Lynx into the ropes, but Lynx comes back with a running DDT!
The crowd pops and Lynx pulls Tux’s head into his legs and lifts him up into his ligerbomb
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Long Walk Home" by Howl Trance plays and the fans leap to their feet. Lynx rolls to his feet with his arm in the air
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 31 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…LYNX!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx was able to best Hardkore World’s greatest cruiserweight at our biggest show of the year! This a huge win for his campaign here so far.
Lynx rolls out of the ring and slaps the fans hands while Tuxedo Mask complains to Tommy Milligan about a fast count
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask attempts his usual politicking but this decision is going to stand. Lynx gets the big win!
***commercial***
Man stands in front of background that says “Anthony Dipesto 2022. Time’s Up.”
Anthony Dipesto: Hello, my name is Anthony Dipesto and I am running for Palm Springs city council. I am running because our current city council includes 5 men and a lady who got a divorce who were very rude to me when I spoke at the meetings every week. One time the one that shops at Trader Joe’s, if ya know what I mean, told me that if I thought I could do a better job, I was free to run for a seat. So that’s what I did. And let me tell you. It was far from free. Just another lie from The Swamp. This commercial alone means I’m not gonna be able to swing my mortgage again this month, but it’ll be worth it when I get on that city council and show those 5 guys and the divorced lady who’s got a daughter that stays home from school sometimes and she doesn’t seem that sick, that they’re not better than me. Now some people say “Tony, you can’t get into politics for petty spite.” And to that I say, “Yes, I can, Ma.”
His background becomes a waving flag
Anthony Dipesto: Because all of us have been Anthony Depesto’s at one point in our life. Maybe you weren’t invited to your wife’s birthday party. Now you can show the fatcats in Washington and Palm Springs that they’re time is up. And our time is now. How can you do that? By voting for me and not those 5 guys and the woman who has split custody and when her kids aren’t home I saw her smoke once.
Close up
Anthony Dipesto: Time’s up, Diane.
“When You Wish Upon A Star” by Jiminy Cricket plays and the camera fades to Phillip Blauer and Guillermo seated at ringside. Guillermo is dressed as Peter Pan and Phil is dressed as Mr. Smee. The lights in Hardkore Hall are turned up to maximum strength, simulating the Florida sun. Inside the ring, there is a Mickey Mouse ear shaped bank vault door in one of the corners
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans and welcome back to the Reedy Creek Rules match. As per the rules, everyone has to be dressed as a Disney IP.
Phillip Blauer: That’s why Gugenheim is dressed as Peter Pan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (stung) I’m not Peter Pan. I’m Robin Hood.
Phillip Blauer: No. That was a dog. I remember that picture being full of what the children love. Early 70s guitar songs about streams.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was a fox, and I wasn’t gonna wear a mask while I did commentary. Why are you Mr. Smee?
Phillip Blauer: (indignant) Do you have rocks in your head? I’d never be your Mr. Smee. I’m Happy from the Seven Dwarves. I should talk to Marty about playing Happy in a new Disney original series.Maybe, the Dwarves are all killed in a mine leak…all but Happy. So he takes the diamonds and moves down to a fictional Carribean island. Something that sounds Spanish like Costa Pacifica
Guillermo O’Bannon: But it’s in the Caribbean.
Phillip Blauer: Doesn’t matter. Boy, he’d make quite a pair with that little guy Peter Dinklage. Maybe he’s Happy’s brother, and they open up a little cantina, but keep having to solve murders.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why are people asking cantina owners to solve murders?
Phillip Blauer: It’s just the way of Costa Pacifica, mon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But you’re not a dwarf, how are you going to…
Phillip Blauer: Dear, sweet naive, Gustav. Chris Pratt is not really holding off dinosaurs with his outstretched hand. It’s called movie magic. They can have someone slightly off camera hold Mr. Dinklage up.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, we barely know the rules of this match other than Marty seems to be making them up as he goes along. All we know is the winner will be the first one to put the other inside the Disney Vault and then close the door.
The Palm Springs fans boo as “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan walks out dressed as Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. He walks with his chest puffed out, and raising his eyebrows
Phillip Blauer: Well that’s apropos. You know, Gaston reminds me of myself as a young.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You were pretty vain.
Phillip Blauer: I was referring to how I would react with homicidal rage when I didn’t receive the attention of a young lady I fancied, but then you had to go and get insulting. How little of you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sorry. Fans, Marty Donovan claims he only attacked Natalie Burrows after she refused his handshake. But now he suspects that she didn’t shake his hand because she works for Florida governor Ron Desantis.
Phillip Blauer: I admit it does give one pause. Where does she get all this money she flashes around?
Guillermo O’Bannon: What money?
Phillip Blauer: I didn’t want to have to say this, but I did a KPLM News Hawk exclusive undercover operation where I had her tailed to the grocery store. I regret to inform you that her children get name brand cereals. Three kids? Jonnie’s not paying that kind of money.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Speaking of Jonnie, Marty still thinks Evan is running the company?
Phillip Blauer: Marty doesn’t bother with Jonnie, he goes through Evan. The two of them share an unspoken bond.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has also banned Kilroy from ringside.
Phillip Blauer: Good, because he's become a major distraction in almost every match tonigt. I was really hoping I could talk to Evan Valentine Jr. about making that permanent.
Guillermo O’Bannon: For the last time, Evan is not in charge.
Phillip Blauer: Is this because Evan has never liked you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it’s because…wait, is that true?
The bell ring and the camera cuts to Greg Jin in the ring dressed as LeFou from Beauty and the Beast
Greg Jin: “The following is a Reedy Creek Rules Match!”
The fans cheer
Greg Jin: “Your referee is Richie Richardson!”
Dressed as Groot, Richie Richardson waves his branch at the crowd
Greg Jin: “Featuring first, hailing from the Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida. Standing 6 feet and weighing 218 pounds; Representing Disney Plus who asks you to watch the new Lego Movie, The Green Mile, coming this August…‘THE RISING SUN’ MARTY DONOVAN!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo while fanning themselves. The distorted opening lyrics of 'Breathe Again' plays as the overhead lights dim, the sequence of notes following it triggering coral-colored lights to pulse in time... and when the guitars and drums combine suddenly the music changes to “Under The Sea” from The Little Mermaid. Marty Donovan smiles
Phillip Blauer: I do like this little ditty better.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Apparently part of Reedy Creek Rules is you have to come down to Disney songs?
Natalie Burrows steps out dressed as Captain Phasma from The Last Jedi and stands at the top of the ramp. Marty gulps
Phillip Blauer: Never thought I’d see the day Captain Kirk would have to fight a lady Stormtrooper. These are interesting times we’re living in.
The Palm Springs crowd cheers for the Southern Belle as she looks out over the fans with the stainless steel spear in her head. Her helmet nods in acknowledgement as video footage plays of some of her hardest-hitting moments in the ring. Natalie makes her way down to the ring, slapping the hands of the fans here and there, but her focus is on the ring. Rather than her usual slide into the ring, due to the costume, she walks up the stairs and steps through the ropes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After what Marty did to her in San Diego after she beat him in the first round of the Hardkore West Coast title tournament, she would do anything to get her hands on him. She tried to in the six man tag team match in Coachella, but he stayed as far away as he could. So she had to sign on the dotted line for this Reedy Creek Rules match, which included that she has to dress up, and dress up she did.
Phillip Blauer: I think Marty was hoping for a Pocahantas deal or knowing her modesty, possibly a Mary Poppins, but this?
Natalie takes a second to get on the second turnbuckle with her robot boots, but she gets up and holds the spear aloft with one hand to evoke more cheers. She lingers there for a few moments before hopping down, turning the spear over to Richie Richardson. before trying to figure out how she’s going to move in this suit.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Durham, North Carolina; She stands 5 feet 9 inches tall and Weighs 165 pounds; She is The Captain of the First Order Stormtroopers…NATALIE BURROWS!!!”
The Palm Springs fans give her a huge ovation! Richie Richardson signals for the bell. Natalie charges Marty and begins slugging him with right hands, and the hot crowd roars
Reedy Creek Rules Match
Natalie Burrows vs. "The Rising Sun" Marty Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie’s been dreaming of this moment for a month and now here it is!
Phillip Blauer: Someone stop that cockamamie robot, it’s malfunctioning!
Marty Donovan: Richie! Ow! Richie! Ow! Tell her she’s got to stop! No fair with those stormtrooper hands! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Richie Richardson: I am Groot.
Marty rolls his eyes as Natalie backs him into a corner with right hands. Natalie Burrows kicks him all over his body, and legs with kicks as he’s trapped in the corner, and then hip tosses him out! Marty begs off as Natalie stalks him and the Palm Springs fans call for blood
Phillip Blauer: Marty Donovan begging for mercy but Captain Pharma doesn’t seem to have any on the menu.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie whacks Donovan in the back with a stiff kick to the spine!
The Palm Springs fans let out a collective “OH!” at the sound. Natalie Burrows shoots Marty into the corner and rolling tumbles into a back elbow. She does a step up enzuigiri that causes Marty to take two steps out of the corner and then fall on his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows leg drops the back of Marty’s head with that metal leg!
Marty Donovan kicks his toes into the mat in pain, covering his face. She pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes, she ducks down for a backdrop but Marty catches her with a corkscrew neckbreaker! The cheers turn to jeers and Marty collects himself for a moment
Phillip Blauer: (Phil’s beard starts slipping off) Boy, it is hotter than Hades in here, who Dorothy still worships by the way.
Guillermo O’Bannon: My back is wetter than an otter’s pocket.
Phillip Blauer: (beard falls completely off) Well, that’s just gross.
Marty removes Natalie Burrows’ helmet and puts it on his head to more boos
Phillip Blauer: Now Marty’s a robot too? Gadzooks, what hope is there for the human race now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan pulls Natalie up into an inverted facelock, then lifts her up into a backbreaker!
Natalie Burrows sits up in pain, but Marty basement dropkicks her in the back of the head
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Marty Donovan was at Palm Springs Punishment was in 2010 when he wrestled Andrew Karnage over Karnage’s freedom.
Phillip Blauer: Who won?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty.
Phillip Blauer: Well, you can’t argue with success.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan takes off the helmet and irish whips Natalie into the ropes. She comes back and he smashes her in the face with the Stormtrooper helmet!!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos while Natalie Burrows clutches her face and flops around the mat. Marty grabs an official Disneyland giant lollipop, and gets a gleam in his eye. The jeers get louder as Marty eyes Natalie as she gets to her feet
Phillip Blauer: That’s real heat if Marty hits her with that lollipop, because those things are like $30.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan smashes that lollipop over Natalie Burrows’ head!
Lollipop goes everywhere but Natalie just stares at Marty. He backs off, insisting that he didn’t mean to hurt her. The Palm Springs fans cheer wildly while Natalie Burrows walks down Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows hits Marty in the side of the head with a jumping roundhouse kick!
The Palm Springs Convention Center pops! “The Southern Belle” Natalie Burrows grabs Marty as he gets up and ties up their ankles. She snaps back into a russian leg sweep
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Natalie Burrows was in Palm Springs was Palm Springs Punishment 2010, when she lost the Hardkore World Women’s Championship to Madison Dyson.
Phillip Blauer: Madison Dyson? Why that’s the woman who burned down Ulster Hall at Irish Rage in Belfast.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows pulls Marty Donovan up into a front facelock and then drives his head into the mat with a DDT!
The audience cheers. Natalie Burrows walks over and begins punching in a code into the Mickey Mouse shaped vault in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Each wrestler was given a code so that they can lock their opponent in the Disney vault.
Phillip Blauer: Which has a rich slice of Americana in it, the master of Song of the South.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Burrows irish whips Donovan into the vault, but Marty puts his foot on the vault to stop his momentum. Donovan responds with a dropkick that knocks Natalie into the opposite corner.
Burrows bounces out of the corner, but Marty Donovan leg sweeps him so her drops back into the turnbuckles. Marty Donovan backs up and then running dropkicks her in the corner! The audience lets out a collective “OH!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan has that disc from Tron.
Phillip Blauer: No! Now he’s cursed too!
Marty Donovan spins the disc into Natalie’s face! Natalie holds her face in pain, and stomps her heels into the mat. The Palm Springs fans jeer Marty as he fluffs his ponytail. Marty Donovan atomic drops Natalie onto the turnbuckle, facing the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan walks her out of the corner into a rope hung neckbreaker!!
Natalie Burrows sits up, clutching the back of her neck. Marty Donovan picks her up by the neck and tries to put her into the Disney vault, but Natalie puts her boot on the vault, blocking Marty from putting her in and getting a huge pop from the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows refusing to go into the Disney vault!
Phillip Blauer: Not even The Southern Belle, the North Carolina native wants to be anywhere near that VHS copy of Song of the South!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Burrows does a go behind into a rear waistlock and drops Marty into a release german suplex!
Natalie Burrows screams as she comes at Marty with a clothesline that takes him up and over the ropes to the floor below, getting a big reaction from Hardkore Hall
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows hits the ropes, jumps onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard clothesline that takes Marty over the railing into the front row!!
The Palm Springs crowd chants “NAT!! NAT!! NAT!!” as Natalie and Marty lie in a pile of fans and chairs in the audience
Phillip Blauer: Burrows has go to be overheating in that hot Space Person costume and these oppressive lights. (fans himself) I know this flower is wilting.
One of Phil’s eyebrows comes off and Burrows pulls Marty up by his ponytail. Donovan kicks her but she catches his ankle
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan swings around with an enzuigiri to the back of Natalie’s head! Marty charges forward but Natalie catches him with a spinebuster against the guardrail!!
Hardkore Hall lets out a loud “OH!!” as Marty arches his back in pain. Natalie goes for a suplex onto the floor, but Marty blocks it, and then smashes her head onto the guardrail!! Donovan steps over the railing and rolls into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan runs into the ropes and hops onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard missile dropkick on Natalie in the crowd!!
Huge heel pop as Marty and Natalie lie out in the crowd. Marty pulls her up by the hair and throws her over the railing into the ringside area. He steps over the railing and slides back into the ring, then climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan jumps off with a somersault senton, but Natalie ducks and he hits the railing!!
The sound of Donovan hitting the steel rings through the Palm Springs Convention Center. He gets to his knees, and Natalie runs at him, clocking him behind the head with a black magic shining wizard enzuigiri
Guillermo O’Bannon: Epiphany out on the floor! Natalie Burrows now rolls Marty back into the ring. She follows him in and then irish whips Donovan into the Disney vault!!
“The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan puts the brakes on, but wobbles right in front of the door! The Palm Springs fans cheer at the prospect of Marty going into the safe. Natalie hits him with a reverse roundhouse kick and Donovan goes down into the vault!!
Phillip Blauer: Marty’s in the Disney vault with the Song of the South tape!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows shuts the door, but Marty Donovan blocks it with his boot!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos as Marty and Natalie have a power struggle with her trying to close the door on him. Donovan uses his other leg to push against the door until he forces his way out of the safe
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows irish whips him into the ropes but Marty Donovan hops onto the middle of the top rope and backflips into an asai moonsault DDT!! River City Ransom!
The fans are heckling Marty Donovan as he picks up the magic carpet from Aladdin. He does an Arabic bow and the boos get even louder, and then he climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan hits an Ode to Romero 450 splash with that carpet!!
The boos are now deafening as Marty looks around and screams “I LOVE DISNEY PLUS!!!” and then gets hit with a wave of heel heat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan irish whips Natalie into the Disney vault, but she reverses it and shoots him into the ropes. Burrows hits him with a Denial leaping leg lariot!!
Hardkore Hall comes to life as Marty lies dazed on the canvas. Natalie Burrows holds her ribs and steps out to the apron. She slingshots herself onto the middle of the top rope and then jumps off with a wheel kick to Marty’s back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Turmoil!! Natalie Burrows irish whips Marty into the ropes and lifts him into a sky high, but Marty Donovan catches him with a huracanrana!!
The fans boo, and Marty eyes a toy chest, then gets an evil grin
Phillip Blauer: It looks like Marty has an idea. An awful idea. I dare say The Rising Sun has a wonderful awful idea.
Marty Donovan picks up the toy chest and dumps it out on the mat. All the toys from Toy Story; Woody, Buzz, Rex. and the army men fall to the canvas as the audience buzzes with anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan hammerlocks Natalie’s arm and grabs her into an inverted facelock before lifting her up into a gloria on the toys!!
Phillip Blauer: It looked as though she got a Mr. Potato Head on her chicken winged arm there!
Natalie Burrows flops around, clutching her elbow as the fans chant “HOLY SHOOT!!! HOLY SHOOT!!! HOLY SHOOT!!!” Natalie Burrows staggers up to her feet, holding her arm close to her body, but Marty hits her with in the nose with his v-trigger
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Dis-Knee knocks Natalie Burrows into the Disney vault!!
“The Rising Sun” Marty Donovan slams the door shut and punches in his code, sealing Natalie’s fate. Richie Richardson signals for the bell as Hardkore Hall rocks with boos. “When You Wish Upon a Star” by Jiminy Crickett plays and Marty taps the vault and laughs
Greg Jin: “At 17 minutes 46 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE RISING SUN’ MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie was forced to wrestle Marty’s match and it was clearly too many roadblocks to overcome.
Marty Donovan takes Burrows’ Captain Phasma spear and starts banging the Disney vault with it, over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on, Marty won the match, now he’s just being a dick.
Phillip Blauer: To the victor goes the dickery.
Kilroy Evans charges down to the ring, and the Palm Springs fans leap to their feet! Marty gets into an attack position with his spear
Phillip Blauer: Can anything happen without Kilroy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans grabs a chair!
A booming pop as Kilroy Evans enters the chair, and Marty Donovan tries to hold him off with a spear. Quickly, Marty Donovan gulps and ditches the spear, running out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan heads for higher ground, and Kilroy Evans punches in that code, and gets Natalie Burrows out of that Disney vault.
Natalie Burrows gasps for air while Kilroy asks if she’s alright. She nods while she tries to catch her breath. Donovan curses Kilroy and swears revenge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans comes down to help his friend Natalie, and it looks as though Marty is about to have a coronary!
The scene cuts to a nondescript area of Hardkore Hall. The only defining feature is a banner hung like a green screen, but instead it is a sepia-toned background upon which a flexing bicep is crossed by a fountain pen with the nib exposed so you know it’s not just a regular ballpoint. In front of this banner is a short-ish man with a medieval style scroll.
Herald: Introducing to the world, “Poetry in Motion,” with a reading of a sonnet constructed specially for his debut.
The short man is quickly overshadowed by a very tall man with short red hair who looks almost comical in a fairly stereotypical medieval poet’s costume that strains over his obviously powerful physique. He has his own parchment, and after clearing his throat several times, he begins.
Ruben Bowman:
I find myself among a sea of men,
That could not thrust a wound upon my flesh,
Were I to block the blow with a quill pen.
If, on the other hand, you find my fresh,
And vital hands around your back, it’s time,
To say goodbye and ponder choices past,
Which brought you low while hearing ring bells chime.
As you lay supine, glassy gaze up-cast,
I’d say you brought this pain upon yourself,
But that negates the effort, long and hard,
That I’ve exerted, dressed as armored elf,
To carve myself the niche of fighting bard.
Whoever first I’m cast to fight forthwith,
Bear witness to the birth of modern myth.
After reciting the sort of sonnet you’d only see in pro wrestling, which in itself is a strange sentence, he inclines his head, then retreats off screen, prompting a cut. Open on a shot of the ring with the ropes off. A 2018 gunmetal gray Toyota Rav 4 is crashed in the middle of the ring with a white 2016 Toyota Camry. A giant metal shark cage is at ringside, attached to a crane operated by Donnie Valentine Jr.. Cut to Phillip Blauer and Guillermo O’Bannon back to dressed in their usual suits
Guillermo O’Bannon: And that was Ruben Bowman, the new poet of Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: But what kind? Lanny Poffo or Raven?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I'm not sure but hello fans and welcome to the semi main event. The LA Freeway match, a Hardkore World original. Two cars crashed together, no ropes, and falls count anywhere!
Phillip Blauer: A barbaric match and an exploitation of the very real problem of the inhumanities of traffic in Los Angeles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Plus, Malcolm Xavier Graves will be suspended above the ring in a shark cage.
Phillip Blauer: Dehumanizing, and quite frankly, very sad.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves interfered in The Sheik’s matches in Palm Springs, Indio, San Diego, and Coachella. It’s time to see how The Sheik does without his constant meddling.
Phillip Blauer: Would you ask a bird not to fly? A fish not to swim? Why would you ask Malcolm Xavier Graves not to meddle?
“Seasons In The Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and Hardkore Hall rocks with boos. Malcolm Xavier Graves leads The Sheik out who looks a little cautious. Fans try and reach out at Graves, but he swats his cane from side to side, almost like a machete cutting through brush
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves says that The Sheik has been inspecting cars to see ways to hurt Kilroy Evans, and has been transfixed on the fact that Kilroy was making sandwiches. Graves is clear about The Sheik being the more hungry wrestler and looking to prove it in this LA Freeway match.
Phillip Blauer: Making sandwiches has long been psychological warfare for Kilroy
Guillermo O’Bannon: Graves is clear about The Sheik being the more hungry wrestler and looking to prove it in this LA Freeway match.
Malcolm Xavier Graves gets to the shark cage and stops in his tracks. The Sheik tries to pump Graves up, but he shakes his head and refuses to go into the cage.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is an LA Freeway Match!"
The Palm Springs fans cheer wildly while The Sheik climbs to the top of the Toyota Rav 4.
Greg Jin: “It is Falls Count Anywhere. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Great King of Terror…THE SHEIK!!!”
Hardkore Hall boos as The Sheik prays on the hood of the Rav 4
Phillip Blauer: It is a holy place for Toyota enthusiasts. It is second only to Toyotathon which is a pilgrimage every Toyotiist has to do at least once in their lifetimes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Toy-?
Phillip Blauer: Toyota lovers, Gene. People who love low horsepower. They make it their whole identity. I’ve seen it.
"Rock Club" by Family Jules plays and the crowd jumps to their feet! Kilroy walks to the ring at a calm pace, wearing jeans and a white t-shirt with his face on a chef doing the chef’s kiss, while pouring comical amount of ketchup on his turkey sandwich
Phillip Blauer: This (shudders)...man, would probably put ketchup on one of those broken cars in the ring and eat that.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why would you say that?
Phillip Blauer: (shouts him down) Because I have eyes!!
Kilroy slaps the fans’ hands, and let’s one guy take a selfie with him. The man hands Kilroy a cup of beer, and Kilroy shrugs and takes it as he walks away
Phillip Blauer: Buy your own drinks, Ham Salad!
Kilroy Evans takes a swig out of the beer cup and then realizes something. He walks back to the fan
Kilroy Evans: I don’t want to drink and drive. Sorry.
Evans hands the beer cup to the ecstatic fan, then continues the walk to the ring. Kilroy points to a sign a fan is holding that says “Someone Should Hose Down MXG’s Cage When Its Over”
Phillip Blauer: He is making a mockery of the LA Freeway match. This is the match where George Hackenschmidt settled his feud with Henry Ford in 1915, I believe.
Kilroy Evans enters the ring with a huge smile on his face, but staring at The Sheik unnervingly
Phillip Blauer: Henry was quite the heel when I was lad.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You gotta tell me how old you are.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t interrupt. Anyway, I used to pay a wooden nickel and a frog I carried in my pocket to see the carnival fighters. We all wanted to see Henry Ford get his just desserts for his vile beliefs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (nods) Because he was a nazi symapthizer.
Phillip Blauer: Because he wrote a book telling children not to smoke.
Guillermo stops nodding
Phillip Blauer: Cigarettes meant jobs, Gilbert. A big piece of Americana is gone. Now we have no cigarette vending machine delivery men. Factories that made signs for smoking sections in Burger Kings have all but shuttered for good. And the absence of cigarette girls has put a gaping hole in the country’s Murder Mystery Dinner characters.
Guillermo O’Bannon: After Malcolm Xavier Graves cost him his shot at the Hardkore World Championship in San Diego, Kilroy would do anything to get his hands on him, but first he must win the match. Kilroy says that with Graves suspended over the ring, The Sheik will not be focused, which can give the former Hardkore World Champion an advantage, and he will be the one with the button tonight.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds, Your Boy Kilroy…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The crowd lets out a loud pop while Kilroy stares at The Sheik, never blinking, while The Man From The Empty Quarter mutters to himself
LA Freeway Match
Kilroy Evans vs. The Sheik
Referee Kelly O’Connell tells Malcolm Xavier Graves he has to go into the cage, but Graves flatly refuses
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves already trying to back out on what he agreed to.
Phillip Blauer: What do you expect? Who is putting their life in the hands of Rocky Valentine Jr.?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rocky didn’t just get this job because of his last name, you know what? I just heard myself say that and...you’re right.
Malcolm pokes Kelly O’Connell in the chest to back her off and then folds his arms while she reminds him of her authority in Hardkore World. She tries to coax him into the cage, but Graves turns around into Kilroy Evans who has his fists clenched.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves flinches to avoid Kilroy Evans and falls into the cage!!
Hardkore Hall roars as Kelly O’Connell slams the cage door shut and locks the door! Rocky Valentine Jr. presses a giant remote control button and the cage starts ascending over the ring. Malcolm Xavier Graves shouts “No!” over and over as Kilroy waves at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits Kilroy from behind with a right hand! He smashes Kilroy’s face into the Toyota Camry’s hood!!
The audience boos as The Sheik works over Kilroy with forearms and kicks. He then grabs Kilroy and throws him over the top rope to the floor below
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two have tried to settle this fight through Palm Springs, Indio, Coachella and San Diego and now tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2022, in the last show in this building, they try and resolve this.
The Sheik pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself over into a crossbody that smashes Kilroy into the railing!! Kilroy slowly slides down the railing while The Sheik climbs back up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps onto the trunk of the Toyota Camry and hops back into a back elbow but Kilroy moves out of the way and he hits the steel railing!!
The Palm Springs fans roar as Kilroy Evans picks up a folding chair and, with both hands, throws it in a overhead arc toward The Sheik, smashing into his skull
Guillermo O’Bannon: The sound of that chair hitting Sheik in the head was sickening.
Sheik moves away to another part of ringside. As Kilroy follows, one of the fans behind that security rail starts shouting at him about how the chair could've hit him
Angry Fan: That could've hurt one of us!
Kilroy Evans: No, that's why I threw it down towards this.
Kilroy kicks the security barrier and the fan flinches
Kilroy Evans: And not toward your head. Oh, and big thanks by the way.
Confused and Angry Fan: For what?!
Kilroy Evans: For distracting me long enough that when I turn around, Sheik's probably going to attack the shit out of me!
Kilroy turns to follow and, sure enough, The Sheik is behind him with the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik crashes that chair down across his head!!
Instead of falling over, Kilroy turns and staggers back to the fan he argued with and points at them as if to say "See? This is on you." and then Flair flops onto the ground
Phillip Blauer: That poor soul will probably live with that guilt for the rest of his life. Like Old Matt Damon.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Saving Private Ryan?
Phillip Blauer: Never saw it, I lived it. I was referring to the people he bankrupted with his crypto advertisements.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rolls a now busted open Kilroy back into the ring and bodyslams him onto the hoods of the crashed cars!!
Kilroy cries out in pain, and his bleeding head hangs off the side of the hood. The Sheik climbs to the hood, and then the roof of the Rav 4
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans has some background in this match going back to 18 years ago in this very city, 2004, when he, Robert Hunglestien III, and Hero defeated Tuxedo Mask, Eerie Von and Death Gojira in an LA Freeway match.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, 2004. When America said “Hey Ya” to gay marriage, what was happening in Abu Gharib was a bigger twist than what was in The Village and internet dating was as it should be. Terrifying.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik now jumps off the Rav 4 roof and leg drops Kilroy’s hanging head!!
The impact flips Kilroy off the cars onto the mat. The Sheik stomps him over and over, as Malcolm Xavier Graves shouts his encouragement from above in the cage. The Sheik rolls him back on the hoods of the cars and then climbs up there with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls Kilroy up but Kilroy blocks a punch. Instead, he bites The Sheik over the eye!
The Sheik screams in pain, and punches his way out of it. Kilroy kicks him in the stomach and then rolls him into a swinging neckbreaker on the hood of a car!! Kilroy and The Sheik lie in a dent on the hood
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men caught the worst of that.
Phillip Blauer: If only Kilroy had known that cars are hard surfaces.
The Sheik rolls off the car onto the mat. Kilroy goes after him and spreads Sheik’s legs, and stares at Phil. He lifts up Sheik's leg and punches him in the back of the knee. He pointedly looks over at the announce table.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy working down the leg. Why does he keep looking over here? Is he trying to get our attention right now? Is this a reference to something? Phillip!
Blauer is pointedly paying attention to anything other than the match.
Phillip Blauer: Hm? I don't know, George. It's not like we hang out or anything!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, he keeps smirking your way while punching the back of his opponent's knee. Isn't...isn't that The Blauer Bomb?
Phillip Blauer: That's a dumb move. Who would come up with that as a big move? That'd be bullshit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy motions for The Sheik to get up and runs at him with a spear, but The Sheik moves, and Kilroy puts his head through the back passenger window of the Camry!!
Hardkore Hall rocks with boos and Kilroy remains like Winnie the Pooh with his legs hanging out the window of the Toyota Camry. Meanwhile, The Sheik pulls himself up to the roof of the Rav 4. Kilroy finally pulls himself out of the window, and the audience gasps as the amount of blood pouring down onto his white t-shirt
Phillip Blauer: Jumping Jehosaphat! That blood is beginning to get on the ketchup part of his shirt, reminding me of how he eats a turkey sandwich and I..I…think I’m going to be ill.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps off the roof of that Rav 4 and catches Kilroy with a slingblade!
The jeers get louder and suddenly Malcolm Xavier Graves’ cage slips a little and falls, then stops. Graves screams in a panic
Rocky Valentine Jr.: (shouting up towards Graves) My bad! This thing is sensitive.
Phillip Blauer: Lucky that thing didn’t drop. I don’t know how long we could fill a tribute show for Malcolm Xavier Graves.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik now rolls Kilroy back on the hood of the car and climbs to the roof of the Camry and moonsault splashes Kilroy on that hood!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans was last at Palm Springs Punishment 2012 when he successfully defended the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over Tarrasque in a steel cage.
Kilroy Evans rolls off the car and to the mat, then The Sheik begins stomping him as he crawls to the floor. The Sheik grabs a chair and climbs back up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik with an Arabian facebuster to the back of Kilroy’s head!!
Phillip Blauer: I would correct you that it’s not a facebuster if it hits the back of the head if I weren’t suspicious that Kilroy has an absorbed twin back there.
A blood drenched Kilroy is at ringside, near the commentary table as The Sheik is stalking toward him. Kilroy turns to Guillermo and points at a bottle of water.
Kilroy Evans: That one yours?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Please don't---
Kilroy grabs the bottle, unscrews the cap, and squeezes the bottle towards Sheik, blinding him with the "water." Sheik screams loudly as Kilroy sets the bottle down.
Kilroy Evans: Sorry, you know I'm good for it! Gotta take care of this!
Guillermo stares sadly at the remainder of his drink bottle.
Phillip Blauer: You need to stop leaving that on the table, Gershwin. Keep that underside and put an actual bottle of water up here.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy rolls his opponent back into the ring. That's actually pretty smart, Phillip. You want some of what's left?
Phillip Blauer: Ew, no, not after Kilroy touched it. Don't know what he has but it's got to be communicable.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans belly to belly suplexes The Sheik over the railing into the audience!!
The fans chant “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” as Kilroy goes over the guardrail after him and pulls The Sheik’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans piledrives The Sheik out in the front row!!
Kilroy Evans sets up a chair and then gives The Sheik a reverse russian legsweep on it, smashing his face on the seat of the chair!! The Sheik rolls over with blood running down his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans sits on The Sheik’s back and gives him The Last Crusade camel clutch out in the audience! Evans trying to stretch The Sheik with his own move!
Phillip Blauer: What a hack.
The crowd goes wild as Kelly O’Connell climbs over the railing out into the audience and then checks with The Sheik to see if he wants to submit. Kilroy Evans rocks back with The Sheik bent in half, while he sits as far back on the small of his back as he can
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell asking The Sheik if he wants to tap out but he shakes his head at her, so Kilroy sinks his teeth into The Sheik’s bloody forehead to sweeten the deal!
The Palm Springs fans give Kilroy an ear splitting pop while The Sheik shrieks in pain. O’Connell recoils in horror but again asks The Sheik if he wants to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulls him up into a double underhook, but The Sheik backdrops him on the floor! The Sheik waits for him to get up, and then knocks him over the railing with a heel kick!
Kilroy tumbles on to the ringside area, and The Sheik steps over the railing with him. He grabs Kilroy by the hair and bashes him into the cornerpost, getting a loud “OH!!” from the fans
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy just a bloody mess, which is now only a slightly bigger mess than he normally is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik rolls Kilroy up onto the hood of the Camry and slides up there with him. He scoops Kilroy up into a michinoku driver but Kilroy slips off his shoulder behind him with his cobra clutch! Watch Out For Snakes!
Phillip Blauer: Gadzooks! Where? Where?
The Palm Springs Convention Center jumps to their feet and Malcolm Xavier Graves panics in the cage above them. Kilroy Evans pulls back on his wrist, while applying pressure to the back of The Sheik’s neck as the busted open Sheik thrashes about on while standing on the hood of the Camry.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik starting to go out! His resistance beginning to fade more and more as Kilroy clamps down on Watch Out For Snakes. Kelly O’Connell goes to test his arm, but The Sheik holds it up, reaching in the air seemingly.
A cane falls out of Malcolm Xavier Graves cage down into the ring, but The Sheik is unable to catch it. Kilroy Evans thrashes The Sheik from side to side, as The Man From The Lost Quarter begins to fade.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, that’s “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar entering the ring! What’s he doing here?
Phillip Blauer: I guess the murder spree at the monastary is on hold.
The fans boo as “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar curls his lip at them and picks up the cane. He climbs up the cars behind Kilroy and Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar breaks that cane across the back of Kilroy’s head!! The Sheik pushes back with his legs and they both fall back, with Kilroy going through that windshield of Camry!!
Hardkore Hall lets out a deafening “OH!!” at the sound of Kilroy’s smashing through the glass. The bleeding Sheik looks at “Deathstyke” Cyan Komar who “presents” Kilroy to him. The Sheik crawls over to him and rolls a lifeless Kilroy onto his stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik applies The Last Crusade on Kilroy Evans on the hood of the Rav 4. He locks his hands underneath Kilroy’s chin and peels back on his head. Earlier in the evening, Komar fireballed Kilroy’s best friend Andrew Karnage and Kilroy swore revenge.
Phillip Blauer: Now it looks as though Cyan Komar has decided to take him out before Kilroy has the chance to do the same. That’s what happens when you go about swearing revenge on every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
The boos are thundering down from every corner of Hardkore Hall. Kilroy’s blood runs down his face, staining The Sheik’s hands. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar hops off the car and begins walking to the back, smacking trash out of the air directed at him. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Kilroy doesn’t answer her
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell stopping this match after Kilroy didn’t respond!!
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell and The Sheik releases The Last Crusade and yells at her to give him the button while 'Seasons in the Abyss' by Stone Sour plays
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves being in the cage above was supposed to neutralize his interference, but it allowed him to introduce that cane of his, which "Deathstryke" Cyan Komar was able to grab and wound up allowing The Sheik to win the first LA Freeway match in 13 years.
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 42 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE LA FREEWAY MATCH…THE SHEIK!!!”
Rocky Valentine Jr. steps into the ring, terrified of the bloodsoaked Sheik, but hands him the giant remote controlling Malcolm Xavier Graves’
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik now has the button and is having some trouble figuring it out.
Malcolm Xavier Graves comes down in fits and stops, while a timid Rocky Valentine Jr. wonders whether to help The Sheik but decides against it. The crowd boos as Rocky Valentine Jr. gives The Sheik the key to release Graves out of the cage door. Graves cackles as he sees Kilroy recovering on the hood of the Camry. The Sheik lurches to go after him, but Malcolm Xavier Graves stops him with his cane
Malcolm Xavier Graves: Allow me!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, Malcolm Xavier Graves is real brave when Kilroy is knocked out on that car.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe he draws his strength from the Toyotas. Men have been inspired by less. Like Mazdas.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Graves gets on Kilroy’s back and applies The Last Crusade, using his cane!
The audience boos as Kilroy turns blue while Graves leans back on the cane across his throat. The Sheik lays in a couple of right hands to the helpless Kilroy. The fans chant “Fuck You Malcolm! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap* Fuck You Malcolm! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap*
Fuck You Malcolm! *clap* *clap* *clap-clap-clap*”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Suddenly Kilroy slips out between the manager’s legs, comes up behind him and hits The Bad Touch diamond cutter on Malcolm Xavier Graves on the car hoods!!
Hardkore Hall leaps to their feet as Malcolm Xavier Graves lies motionless on the cars. The Sheik looks at his manager’s state in disbelief with his hands on his head. The fans chant “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” as Kilroy drops to the canvas, passed out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans hit Graves with the Bad Touch after he couldn’t just accept winning, and now “Sexy” Anjanette Turner and Natalie Burrows run down to the ring!
The Sheik collects Malcolm Xavier Graves off the hood of the Camry, slumping him over his shoulder and escaping through the crowd as Natalie and Turner stand over an unconscious Kilroy Evans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows and Turner there to protect Kilroy who seems to be knocked out. The Sheik taking his manager and advocate to get some medical attention. Fans we got the main event coming up, don’t you dare go away!
***commercial***
Open on a used car lot in Palm Springs Toyota where the salesman is showing off the cars
Ben: Hi Coachella Valley, this is Ben Jrenkin over at Palm Springs Toyota, a big sponsor of Palm Springs Punishment 2022, where we have provided the cars that will be used in an LA Freeway matches. Those vehicles will be available for collectors, or just people that appreciate a safe and reliable vehicle. But not only that, come on down to Palm Springs Toyota where we have the 2022 Highlander.
Ben walks up to the Highlander and opens the back passenger door
Ben: Look at that backseat. You could take quite the snooze back here.
Ben gets in the backseat and gets comfortable.
Ben: Oh yeah. You would be very snug in here. Get yourself a thermos of soup from the diner, come back here, eat your dinner. You could listen to the radio. Oh yeah, this is better than my house. You could live back here…
He straightens up
Ben: If you had to. I’m just saying with this roomy interior and our zero down financing, if she decides that she just doesn’t love you anymore and maybe never did, you could have quite the life back here. Look!
Ben gets out of the backseat and opens the passenger front door. He opens the glove box and reveals hundreds of condiment packets
Ben: Look at all these. No matter if you’re eating Chinese back here, and they forgot your duck sauce. It’s right here. I even got croutons for when you’re eating a car salad.
Ben chuckles, then stares off into the distance. The memories of her all come rushing back. All the late nights, the long talks, the arguments, the laughter. If he could only just talk to her. To show her how he’s changed and it’s all gonna be different. Then he notices the camera
Ben: So come on down to Palm Springs Toyota. Because who knows if you’re always gonna be living in some big fancy house with somewhere to change your underwear?
Fade back to Hardkore Hall where Donnie Valentine Jr. has finally cleaned the ring up after the LA Freeway Match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the main event of Palm Springs Punishment 2022. The Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. A title that goes back 33 years. A championship that has been defended in Japan, Mexico, Canada, Puerto Rico, the United Kingdom, Australia, Germany, Spain, France, Italy, the Netherlands, Brazil and Northern Ireland. Former champions include Matthew X, Rated X, Butch “The Anvil” Brooks, “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson, Adrian Faust, Cobryn, Kilroy Evans, James Fierce, Andrew Karnage, and yes, Syberus. Now we have the final of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Tournament to decide the champion that will take us into 2022. Syberus and Alexander Von Blankenship.
A thick cloud like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere. Hardkore Hall thunders with boos
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. He holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: There he is. There’s the guy that got us that Arby’s money. This business is toxic to advertisers, Geno. Yet this young cad was able to get us mainstream revenue. Horsey sauce revenue.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship’s Arby sponsorship is certainly bringing more eye balls to the relaunch of Hardkore World, but he believes it will also allow him to run off Hardkore World legends like Syberus.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
AVB looks out at the crowd, and the smirk is now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring, he sees the “Rat Boy'' and “If AVB Wins We Riot” signs and points at the fans holding them, stating loudly "I'm better than you" as he goes. A fan throws a cup of beer at him and it splashes on the camera
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship reminded Syberus that his past two wins have been the two of the men that defeated Syberus for the Hardkore World Championship, Kilroy Evans and Andrew Karnage in his young career.
Phillip Blauer: A student of the game. Would you look at that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB took the leadership role at Call to Arms, the XHF supercard, and says that is proof that he has overtaken Syberus as Top Guy here in Hardkore World.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside. A fan gets over the railing, but Palm Springs Convention Center security is able to stop him. Alexander Von Blankenship no sells it while he prays
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB has said that he is here to become the new main eventer, by becoming the new generation of Hardkore World. He has claimed to see fear in Syberus’ eyes and body language and already be in his head.
Von Blankenship gives the ring the holy trinity blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd. He yells out "Always Very Blessed!!" before jumping down into the ring while Hardkore Hall boos loudly.
Then the lights cut and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens. "Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd reach their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The four time Hardkore World Champion Syberus, looking for an unprecedented fifth time. But first he must defeat the undefeated Alexander Von Blankenship.
Syb takes a brief look around at the crowd with a couple fans waving the UK flag, before heading down the ramp. Once up the ring steps Syberus wipes his feet on the apron before stooping through the ropes. He circles the ring for a second before hopping up in one corner and raising both fists in the air
Guillermo O’Bannon: While they were Hardkore World Champion and XHF X Crown Champion respectively, Syberus and Rat Bastard never wrestled one another, but were rivals when it came to ratings and buy rates. Now Syberus must defeat his son to reclaim his top spot on the West Coast.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure Steve Austin had always hoped for a chance to beat the hell out of Nick Hogan, for the hell his Dad put him through.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus says that Alexander Von Blankenship has been misinformed by his father about Hardkore World, and has always wanted to wrestle his father. But AVB is not his father, and Syberus hopes that his years in brutal death matches and technical classics in his 19 years has prepared him for whatever the undefeated Alexander Von Blankenship is ready to throw at him.
The lights in Hardkore Hall drop and a spotlight hits the ring. Greg Jin stands in the center of the ring while Tommy Milligan stands in the corner
Greg Jin: “This is the Main Event of the evening. It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is the final of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship Tournament. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Amsterdam; He stands 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds, The Official Pro Wrestler of Arby’s, ‘We Have The Meats’…ALWAYS VERY BLESSED, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
The Palm Springs fans boo loudly and Alexander Von Blankenship waves them on
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Manchester, England, who’s name is translated from ‘Breast Like Hill’; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 200 pounds; He is The Host of Are You Rubbish? The former Four Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
The crowd goes wild and Syberus cracks his neck from side to side. Greg Jin exits the ring and Tommy Milligan signals for the bell.
Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament Final
Alexander Von Blankenship vs. The Great Syberus[/center]
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The Great Syberus and Alexander Von Blankenship circle one another cautiously. Syberus goes for a lock up, but AVB backs into the corner and sticks his head through the ropes. The Palm Springs fans boo as Tommy Milligan calls for a clean break
Alexander Von Blankenship: Get him back, Tommy!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus obliges Alexander Von Blankenship with a clean break as the rookie tries to control the tempo. They lock up in a collar and elbow tie up, and both jockey for position.
Syberus grabs a side headlock on AVB. He locks his hands together and clamps down on Von Blankenship’s temple with his forearm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship pushes Syberus off into the ropes, but the Englishman hangs on to the headlock. Syberus pops his hips and flips AVB over into a side headlock takedown. The last time Syberus was at Palm Springs Punishment was 12 years ago when he defeated Manwel in two minutes via satellite in Cedar City, Utah for the Hardkore Rocky Mountains territory.
Syberus torques Von Blankenship’s head with the headlock on the mat, while Tommy Milligan checks to see if AVB’s shoulders on the mat. Alexander Von Blankenship rolls him into a cradle
…ONE!
…Syberus rolls him back into a headlock on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus continues to wear down the less experienced Alexander Von Blankenship with that headlock. AVB finally working his way to his feet while Syberus hangs on to the headlock
Alexander Von Blankenship reaches over and rakes Syberus’ eyes with his fingernails to get the venom of the crowd. He stomps Syberus’ foot, and scoops him up into a shoulderbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB irish whips Syberus into the ropes, but Syberus blocks a hip toss and counters with a hip toss of his own. Von Blankenship charges him but Syberus catches him with an arm drag.
AVB runs into an ipponzei seoi nage judo throw and the fans give Syberus a pop. He rolls to a seated position, holding his arm. Syberus twists Alexander Von Blankenship’s arm and then steps through the ropes out on to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus drapes Von Blankenship’s arm over the top rope and drops to the floor below!
The audience cheers as Alexander Von Blankenship flops around the mat, clutching his elbow. AVB gets up and Syberus kicks him in the knee
Fans: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship whacks Syberus with a blistering chop.
Fans: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon:Syberus counters with a kick to his shin.
Fans: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB with another chop to Syberus’ chest
Fans: Boo!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus fires back with an elbow to the face.
Fans: Yay!
Phillip Blauer: We have some fisticuffs!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus with another stiff kick to Syberus’ calf.
Fans: Yay!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship answers with a kick to Syberus’ knee. He scoops Syberus up and drops him across his knee with a backbreaker
AVB snap suplexes Syberus hard to the mat! He pulls him up for a second one but Syberus blocks it with his boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus takes him over in a snapmare, and then bends his fingers back!
Hardkore Hall cheers while Alexander Von Blankenship runs in place, Tommy Milligan giving Syberus a five count to break the hold. Syberus finally does and then smashes AVB’s face into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus rams Alexander Von Blankenship’s head into the turnbuckle! Again, and again!
The crowd is at a fever pitch, and then Alexander Von Blankenship pokes Syberus in the eyes. Syberus clutches his eyes, and AVB smashes Syberus’ head into the turnbuckles now
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pounds Syberus in the corner with right hands, so fast that Syberus can’t get his bearings. AVB lifts him up into a suplex, drops Syberus’ feet on the top rope and rocks back into a slingshot suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship stomps and kicks Syberus on the mat. He pulls Syberus up by the hair and whacks him with another chop. AVB smashes Syberus with a right hand.
Syberus kicks Alexander Von Blankenship in the side of the knees, and then basement dropkicks AVB in the kneecap
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus ties AVB’s legs up with his arms and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf! He plants his feet and pulls back on the twisted legs of Alexander Von Blankenship. He’s bending the undefeated Von Blankenship in half!
Tommy Milligan checks in but Alexander Von Blankenship shakes his head, refusing to give up. AVB crawls over to the side of the ring and hooks the bottom rope, and Milligan gives Syberus the five count to break the texas cloverleaf
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus irish whips AVB into the ropes, he dips down for a backdrop but Alexander Von Blankenship catches him with a swinging neckbreaker!
Alexander Von Blankenship and Syberus lie on the mat as Tommy Milligan lays in the double count
…One!
…Two!
…Three!
…Four!
…Five!
Alexander Von Blankenship sits up while Syberus lies sprawled out on the mat
…Six!
…Seven!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship gets to his feet first and breaks the count. He scoops Syberus up and tosses him across the ring with a fallaway slam!
Hardkore Hall boos as both men lie on the mat, dazed. Then AVB kips up to his feet and the jeers get louder. The fans chant “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” Alexander Von Blankenship eggs them on
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB scoops him up, but Syberus falls behind him in an inverted facelock and drops down for a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus puts his knees on Von Blankenship’s stomach, and then grinds his holding a forearm over AVB’s face
Von Blankenship stomps his feet into the canvas as Syberus saws that forearm into his face. Then Syberus pulls down his kneepad and the fans pop. He kneedrops the inside of Alexander Von Blankenship’s elbow with his exposed knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Muscle Killer! Another one! AVB tries to hide his arm from Syberus, but Syberus is able to extend it again and hit his forearm with another Muscle Killer kneedrop
Syberus applies an ude garami and Hardkore Hall cheers. He presses down on Alexander Von Blankenship’s wrist while twisting on his elbow.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan checks in but Alexander Von Blankenship refuses to give up. Syberus will certainly miss this building, it is where he won the 2006 Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup twice. Once in 2006 and once in 2008. It is also where he lost the Hardkore World Championship to Cobryn in 2007.
Von Blankenship grimaces but refuses to give up. He scoots over and hooks the bottom rope and Tommy Milligan forces Syberus to break the ude garami. Syberus obliges but stands on Von Blankenship’s fingers! The crowd cheers as Milligan argues with Syberus to get off his opponent’s hand
Syberus: I have absolutely no idea what you’re going on about. I’m not standing on his…oh, would you look at that. I absolutely am. I’m so embarrassed. Don’t be mad, Tommy. Promise me you’re not mad.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pulls him up to his feet with a full nelson, but Alexander Von Blankenship mule kicks him in the groin!
Phillip Blauer: Shades of his old man I surmise.
The Palm Springs Convention Center thunders with boos while Syberus stands in the center of the ring, holding his balls. Alexander Von Blankenship measures him and then superkicks Syberus upside the head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!
The boos get louder as AVB does the sign of the cross, and a chant of “Fuck You Rat Boy! Fuck You Rat Boy! Fuck You Rat Boy!” fills the Hall
Phillip Blauer: I have half a mind to wash every mouth out here with soap.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rat Boy, I mean, AVB shoots Syberus into the ropes and takes him out with a spinning heel kick!
Alexander Von Blankenship gets on top of Syberus and hammers him with punches until Syberus resistance stops. He hauls off and slaps Syberus across the face, getting an “OH!” replaced with absolute vitriol from the Palm Springs fans. AVB gets up and preens to the crowd, soaking in their hate
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lifts him up into a suplex but Syberus floats over onto his feet behind him with a russian legsweep!
The fans cheer as Syberus and AVB lie on the mat, exhausted. Von Blankenship pulls himself up by the ropes, but Syberus grabs him from behind and drops down into a backcracker! AVB sits up with his back arched in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs his arm and drops down into a cross armbar. He rows back on that aching arm of Von Blankenship, after wearing it down for the past 15 minutes.
The Palm Springs fans are getting rowdy as Von Blankenship tries to hang on while Syberus attempts to pull his arm out of it’s socket. Finally AVB gets to his knees and pokes Syberus in the eye to escape the cross armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: A blinded Syberus throws an errant kick, but AVB catches his leg and dragon whips him to the ground. He stomps Syberus’ knee a couple times, using the ropes for leverage.
Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Syberus up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes, catching him on the way back with a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship spits on Syberus! The disrespect is unbelievable! This isn’t about trying to win a championship. This has turned into AVB trying to tear down the legacy of Syberus.
The building rains boos on Alexander Von Blankenship with some cups being thrown in the ring. Syberus struggles to get up as Von Blankenship eggs on the crowd, then starts pointing at his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship comes at him with the Baptism superman punch, but Syberus pulls down the top rope and ties AVB in the ropes!
Hardkore Hall comes unglued as Syberus shakes with rage in the ring while Von Blankenship is helpless in the ropes. AVB shakes his head, pleading his case to Syberus, who is red in the face, promising violence.
Alexander Von Blankenship: Bro, bro…you don’t have to do this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus smashes AVB in the face with an elbow smash! Another, and another!
The crowd is at a fever pitch as Syberus cracks Von Blankenship with elbow after elbow. Syberus pulls him out of the ropes with a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: European Three Quarter Nelson! Syberus pushes down on the back of Von Blankenship’s neck while cranking up on his chicken winged wrist.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Alexander Von Blankenship shakes his head, refusing to quit. AVB throws his head back, smashing Syberus in the nose with the back of his head! Syberus staggers back a few steps, while covering his nose
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus release full nelson suplexes Alexander Von Blankenship, no bridge, all impact!
Syberus rolls up to his feet, with blood dripping from a cut over the top of his nose. He checks his nose and comes back with a bloody hand. Syberus grabs a double underhook on Alexander Von Blankenship’s arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Butterfly Lock! Syberus plants the balls of his feet and torques back on Alexander Von Blankenship’s arms.
Phillip Blauer: Syberus has been putting money in the bank on those shoulders, and now is trying to cash in with the Butterfly Lock.
Tommy Milligan asks Alexander Von Blankenship if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head, refusing to give up. AVB works his way to his feet with Syberus still hanging onto the double underhook
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship backdrops Syberus up and over to escape the Butterfly Lock!
The Palm Springs fans boos as Alexander Von Blankenship feeds off their hate. Syberus drips blood on the canvas from the bridge of his nose. AVB double underhooks Syberus’ arms and flips him over onto his face with an angel’s wings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Purification!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship gut wrenches him up onto his shoulder and then sits out into a barry white driver!! Desecration!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus claps his legs together on Von Blankenship’s head!
Both men lie on the mat, completely exhausted; their hair drenched in sweat. The Palm Springs fans applaud the match as Tommy Milligan lays in the double count.
…One!
…Two!
…Three!
Alexander Von Blankenship rolls to his side and the fans start booing, while Syberus is motionless
…Four!
…Five!
The jeers fill the Palm Springs Convention Center as AVB pulls himself up by the ropes. Syberus gets to his feet, and Alexander Von Blankenship gets underneath him with a human torture rack
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship goes for his Omnipotence burning hammer but his shoulder goes out and Syberus lands on his feet!
The jeers turn to cheers as Syberus roundhouse kicks Alexander Von Blankenship in the side. He single underhooks AVB’s arm and drives his skull into the mat with his DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pure Confidence!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle plays and the Palm Springs fans leap to their feet and celebrate! Water bottles and beer cups fly in the air in jubilation! Syberus lays on the mat with blood dripping from his nose. Tommy Milligan goes and retrieves the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 26 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The unprecedented four time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion has become the unprecedented five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!
Syberus accepts the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Tommy Milligan and holds the belt in the air. He seems overcome with emotion as he nods towards the ovation he gets from the audience. Ringside physician Andy Valentine Jr. checks Alexander Von Blankenship’s shoulder on the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus said that he was going to recapture the spirit of Hardkore World and he certainly has, by winning the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in an amazing match with Alexander Von Blankenship.
Syberus stands on the second rope holding the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over his head while the fans roar! Alexander Von Blankenship argues with Tommy Milligan about the count and then pushes him on his way out of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you fans for joining us at Palm Springs Punishment 2022 and for making it the event it is and will continue to be. Please join us in LA next month where we will decide the new Hardkore West Coast Champion!
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