Post by hardcorehammer24 on Jul 15, 2022 14:41:15 GMT -5
Cameras fade in on a brightly lit dressing room. Attired in a powder blue bath robe and a pink boa, “Sweet Baby” Ken Howard is applying a thin layer of foundation, designed to mask the glossy sheen of his hard plastic exterior. The cameras pan in as Howard is making orders to a young courier of 19. The look of sheer confusion on the pimple-faced young man speaks clearly that his perspective of the flamboyant wrestler is of sheer lunacy.
Courier: Alright, so that’s 200,000 orders of custom red hats…
Howard: You got it, kid. Make sure those sweatshop workers don’t fuck up a single stitch.
The young courier rushes out of the dressing room, as Howard smiles to himself.
Howard: My campaign to make the XHF great again must be simply FABU if I am to make a statement moving towards the Night of Champions. That Junior Heavyweight title is as good as mine to flaunt around my waist!
Cameras pan out to show that Ken Howard is not alone, but that Joachin Tellum is seated across the room from him, hesitantly listening to another rant from the self-proclaimed “Hardcore Hammer.”
Tellum: I wouldn’t be so sure of yourself, you know? You would be competing in a minor cruiserweight title match that you may not even get to. Overheated is still a few days away and…
Howard: Teamwork is Dreamwork, Joachin! Me and my tagmate, Random McTaggerton, are going to beat our opponents so hard that they will consider an early retirement! I don’t know why you always have to be such a Debby Downer.
Tellum: I am just being realistic, SB. Some of these wrestlers have had long careers…you have only had two brief TV titles for relatively unknown feds. For all you know “Random McTaggerton” might just stab you in the back before you even finish your first match. That’s how things work around here. After a while, everyone ultimately discovers your major weakness of…
Howard rises from his chair defensively, placing his fingers over his ears.
Howard: Don’t say it! I have no weaknesses. LALALALA, I can’t hear you… I plead the fifth…
Tellum: ...Being made of plastic.
Defensiveness turns to panic as Howard continues to pace overdramatically.
Howard: Ah! You said it! Both a blessing and a curse. What should have killed me just made me stronger, and much more fucked up than ever. But this glossy shell of an exterior has also kept me alive through the toughest of match-ups. No matter, I am ready for this, this is where I excel! In the traditional tag team match up. No steamrollers, no oversized magnifying glasses…just pure unadulterated ass-kicking.
Having heard enough of the lunatic ravings of a life-sized Ken doll, Tellum stands up to leave.
Tellum: Well, If you say so. But I really must get back to editing the segments for Legacy V. The Eddie D/Donzig fan’s choice match is going to be wild!
Howard (blocking the door): Never you worry about my 3 Way Match-up. Simply a warmup to bigger and better things in mystic forests of Sherwood. As a matter of fact I simply horrified that Mr. Blood would debut yours truly in such an insulting card. I am up against two jobbers, one I am familiar with, the other, a girl.
Tellum: You are referring to Gibson and Juliana DiMaria.
Howard: Who Else? I remember Chris Gibson, even if I never faced him in the ring. He was always the butt of everyone’s jokes, even in a fed with a plastic doll, and amishman, and a demented circus. Well, it appears not much has changed for Gibby even when the world around him has moved on. The Amishman is actually being taken somewhat seriously, and the clowns are still at large in the background. The titles and the fed names have changed, but poor Gibby is still the only worthless plaything around here. 20 different finishers, and not one of them perfected. That’s why I studied extensively at the beginning, Joachin! I knew nothing, but I learned. And now I am on my way to the XHF Junior Heavyweight…
Tellum: In the running…Very Far off in the running…
Howard: I AM on my way!
Howard swings his fist up but hits a wall, causing it to crack under the force of the swing. Howard lets out a small gasp and jumps away.
Howard: Now look what you made me do!!!
Tellum (heading back towards the door): Ok, so Gibson is not a threat. But I wouldn’t brush off Julianna DiMaria. She seems quite elegant, and quite voluptuous…
Howard: That is very insulting to women! I am sure the bitch is quite an impressive fighter…in the women’s league. But it is scientifically proven that women are weaker and more subservient than men…I heard it on Tucker Carlson, so it has to be true!
Howard pulls Joachin from the doorway and continues to rant, totally oblivious to his hypocrisy.
Howard: I will tell you right now, little lady, that your sweet glances and sorority-girl antics will not get in the way of my ass-beatery. I know it is common courtesy to respect the womenfolk and all, but when you hit the mat in the first 30 seconds laying beside Gibby, don’t blame the “evil man” who put you there. Blame yourself for entering a federation that doesn’t accommodate female wrestlers. And no, Zolothach doesn’t count because I am not even sure she is actually a real person. I just hope to God you don’t break a nail in the process. I am so gonna get Plastic on the asses of the losers and sissies in this fed!
Joachin takes this moment to break out of Howard’s firm grasp and runs to the door.
Tellum: I’m sure you will do just fine, SB. Look at the time…got to go now!
Howard: Wait, come back! And make sure if you see an Amazon order in a big-ass box, you get it to me, okay?
Cameras fade out.
Courier: Alright, so that’s 200,000 orders of custom red hats…
Howard: You got it, kid. Make sure those sweatshop workers don’t fuck up a single stitch.
The young courier rushes out of the dressing room, as Howard smiles to himself.
Howard: My campaign to make the XHF great again must be simply FABU if I am to make a statement moving towards the Night of Champions. That Junior Heavyweight title is as good as mine to flaunt around my waist!
Cameras pan out to show that Ken Howard is not alone, but that Joachin Tellum is seated across the room from him, hesitantly listening to another rant from the self-proclaimed “Hardcore Hammer.”
Tellum: I wouldn’t be so sure of yourself, you know? You would be competing in a minor cruiserweight title match that you may not even get to. Overheated is still a few days away and…
Howard: Teamwork is Dreamwork, Joachin! Me and my tagmate, Random McTaggerton, are going to beat our opponents so hard that they will consider an early retirement! I don’t know why you always have to be such a Debby Downer.
Tellum: I am just being realistic, SB. Some of these wrestlers have had long careers…you have only had two brief TV titles for relatively unknown feds. For all you know “Random McTaggerton” might just stab you in the back before you even finish your first match. That’s how things work around here. After a while, everyone ultimately discovers your major weakness of…
Howard rises from his chair defensively, placing his fingers over his ears.
Howard: Don’t say it! I have no weaknesses. LALALALA, I can’t hear you… I plead the fifth…
Tellum: ...Being made of plastic.
Defensiveness turns to panic as Howard continues to pace overdramatically.
Howard: Ah! You said it! Both a blessing and a curse. What should have killed me just made me stronger, and much more fucked up than ever. But this glossy shell of an exterior has also kept me alive through the toughest of match-ups. No matter, I am ready for this, this is where I excel! In the traditional tag team match up. No steamrollers, no oversized magnifying glasses…just pure unadulterated ass-kicking.
Having heard enough of the lunatic ravings of a life-sized Ken doll, Tellum stands up to leave.
Tellum: Well, If you say so. But I really must get back to editing the segments for Legacy V. The Eddie D/Donzig fan’s choice match is going to be wild!
Howard (blocking the door): Never you worry about my 3 Way Match-up. Simply a warmup to bigger and better things in mystic forests of Sherwood. As a matter of fact I simply horrified that Mr. Blood would debut yours truly in such an insulting card. I am up against two jobbers, one I am familiar with, the other, a girl.
Tellum: You are referring to Gibson and Juliana DiMaria.
Howard: Who Else? I remember Chris Gibson, even if I never faced him in the ring. He was always the butt of everyone’s jokes, even in a fed with a plastic doll, and amishman, and a demented circus. Well, it appears not much has changed for Gibby even when the world around him has moved on. The Amishman is actually being taken somewhat seriously, and the clowns are still at large in the background. The titles and the fed names have changed, but poor Gibby is still the only worthless plaything around here. 20 different finishers, and not one of them perfected. That’s why I studied extensively at the beginning, Joachin! I knew nothing, but I learned. And now I am on my way to the XHF Junior Heavyweight…
Tellum: In the running…Very Far off in the running…
Howard: I AM on my way!
Howard swings his fist up but hits a wall, causing it to crack under the force of the swing. Howard lets out a small gasp and jumps away.
Howard: Now look what you made me do!!!
Tellum (heading back towards the door): Ok, so Gibson is not a threat. But I wouldn’t brush off Julianna DiMaria. She seems quite elegant, and quite voluptuous…
Howard: That is very insulting to women! I am sure the bitch is quite an impressive fighter…in the women’s league. But it is scientifically proven that women are weaker and more subservient than men…I heard it on Tucker Carlson, so it has to be true!
Howard pulls Joachin from the doorway and continues to rant, totally oblivious to his hypocrisy.
Howard: I will tell you right now, little lady, that your sweet glances and sorority-girl antics will not get in the way of my ass-beatery. I know it is common courtesy to respect the womenfolk and all, but when you hit the mat in the first 30 seconds laying beside Gibby, don’t blame the “evil man” who put you there. Blame yourself for entering a federation that doesn’t accommodate female wrestlers. And no, Zolothach doesn’t count because I am not even sure she is actually a real person. I just hope to God you don’t break a nail in the process. I am so gonna get Plastic on the asses of the losers and sissies in this fed!
Joachin takes this moment to break out of Howard’s firm grasp and runs to the door.
Tellum: I’m sure you will do just fine, SB. Look at the time…got to go now!
Howard: Wait, come back! And make sure if you see an Amazon order in a big-ass box, you get it to me, okay?
Cameras fade out.