.::The XHF Network Presents: Overheated!::.
Jul 17, 2022 22:30:42 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, Venom đ·, and 5 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Jul 17, 2022 22:30:42 GMT -5
The XHF Network Presents: Overheated
Time: July 17th, 2022
Location: Converted Hangar, Naval Air Station Alameda, Alameda, California
Theme: "Disco Heaven" by Lady Gaga
The feed opens as the people at home see what appears to be a camera looking down on a roller rink. The fans in attendance who brought their skates and inline skates circle the track. Soon though the XHF Networkâs ring announcer, Bonnie Jenkins makes her way to the ring in the middle of the setup. She taps on the microphone a couple times before-
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, the time for skating has finished, if you could please make your way to the exits and into your seats. Thank you.
Surprisingly the people make their way out fairly quickly as Bonnie waits. Once enough people are off the track the lights go down.
Bonnie Jenkins: Thank you. Without further adieu, performing the Overheated themeâŠâŠ.LAAAAAAAADY GAAAGAAA!
The crowd cheers, they werenât aware there would be a live performance tonight. Some music starts to play as the song begins. Hard spotlights fall onto the ring.
"Oh, disco heaven
Oh, disco heaven"
Oh, disco heaven"
As the song really starts to get going an extra-large mirrored-ball begins to lower from the darkened ceiling of the converted airplane hangar. Atop that ball spins the aforementioned Lady Gaga, singing the song.
"Get back, bunny
It's getting cold in here, little honey
We got a show to put on your dress
Take a minute for us and relax, relax"
It's getting cold in here, little honey
We got a show to put on your dress
Take a minute for us and relax, relax"
Continuing her song, the disco ball finishes its trek to lower her down to the ring. Once sheâs safely off it ascends back to the sky, the lights reflecting around the makeshift arena. Lady Gaga is decked out in a silver jumpsuit with flared pants and her hair in full Farrah Fawcett form.
"Cupid's got me, oh with his bow and arrow, baby
He'll hit you in the pants, hot pants
Get the people to dance and relax, relax"
He'll hit you in the pants, hot pants
Get the people to dance and relax, relax"
As Gaga continues to sing the rink is slowly filling with costumed dancers. Some are dressed in similar shiny jumpsuits to the star, others are in period-appropriate costumes. Cirque du Soleil performers crawl onto the turnbuckles, their costumes glittering as much as the disco ball.
"Oh the lights dim while we're dancing
Yeah the floor is shakin'
In this disco heaven
D-disco heaven"
Yeah the floor is shakin'
In this disco heaven
D-disco heaven"
As the chorus hits the entire arena comes to life! Multiple disco balls descend and reflect a rainbow of spotlights coming from every which direction, bathing the entire setup in an orgy of lights and color. In the four corners of the building rise previously obscured gogo cages with dancers inside of them. Some of the skaters and acrobats have sparklers too, why not?
"Oh the lights dim while we're dancing
Yeah the floor is shakin'
In this disco heaven
D-disco heaven"
Yeah the floor is shakin'
In this disco heaven
D-disco heaven"
The performance skaters are becoming more bold in their skate-dances, including jumping through hoops and complicated multiple-people maneuvers. The audience is on their feet getting into the mood of the room and dance along as theyâre hypnotized by the colors and sparkling light.
"Throw your head back, girly
Throw it like those girls in the movies
We've got a show to put on your dress
Take a minute for us and relax, relax"
Throw it like those girls in the movies
We've got a show to put on your dress
Take a minute for us and relax, relax"
In the ring Lady Gaga has waved over Bonnie Jenkins. The two of them dance together, bumping their hips together and throwing their hair back. Itâs not the most organized looking part of the sequence but the long-time fans enjoy watching the XHF Network staff getting involved- and both of the women seem to be having a good time.
"The ball is turning, a three hundred mirrors burning
Through the hearts of the crowd
In the back hips just banging the track
To the musak, musak"
Through the hearts of the crowd
In the back hips just banging the track
To the musak, musak"
We cut back to the skaters. One in the lead seems to look almost like a dead shoe-in forâŠpretty much any blonde featured on That 70âs Show. Sheâs lifted up by a similar-costumed man and they pull off a very impressive, if not nerve-wracking spin while maintaining forward motion.
"Oh the lights dim while we're dancing
Yeah the floor is shakin'
In this disco heaven
D-disco heaven"
Yeah the floor is shakin'
In this disco heaven
D-disco heaven"
Wait, do your eyes deceive you person at home? Quickly zooming into one of the gogo cages we find 1960âs Batman- only played by George Clooney!? With a â60âs Catwoman played by Halle Berry!? Burt Ward appears to be playing his original Robin which makes about as much sense as anything else in this crowded cage. Theyâre all doing the Batusi because of course they are.
"Oh the lights dim while we're dancing
Yeah the floor is shakin' in this disco heaven
D-disco heaven"
Yeah the floor is shakin' in this disco heaven
D-disco heaven"
Looking over by the ringside area, dancing with a few scantily clad women isâŠAustin Powers!? The Mike Myers character is trying to get Joey Hawke to join him, baby, but the older gentleman seems hesitant to take off his commentary gear.
"Oh we got that disco
D-I-S-C-O
And we're in heaven
H-E-A-V-E-N
Disco heaven
Feels just like heaven
Disco heaven
Disco heaven"
D-I-S-C-O
And we're in heaven
H-E-A-V-E-N
Disco heaven
Feels just like heaven
Disco heaven
Disco heaven"
Oh and buzzing past that crew and waving to Lady Gaga as he barely stays up on his skates is Randy Angel! Heâs wearing a utility belt of Super Sake brand products while dragging Kris Quake, who flexes from within a costume of a Super Sake bottle of sake. Product placement yâall! How either of these guys are staying upright on their skates is the real mystery of the night.
"A line up for the dance
Yeah bring those fancy pants
Y'know there's disco in the air
And hairspray everywhere
A disco heaven
A disco heaven
Disco heaven
Disco heaven!"
Yeah bring those fancy pants
Y'know there's disco in the air
And hairspray everywhere
A disco heaven
A disco heaven
Disco heaven
Disco heaven!"
As Lady Gaga puts her all into the song, a fog machine obscures pretty much everything not above ring-level. Thereâs a slight break in the music before out of the fog comes the skaters, waving their period-appropriate hair and shaking their almost certainly born-20+-years-too-late bodies.
"Oh the lights dim while we're dancing
Yeah the floor is shakin' in this disco heaven
D-disco heaven"
Yeah the floor is shakin' in this disco heaven
D-disco heaven"
Before finishing things the camera makes a quick pan around the whole set taking in the skaters, the crowd, the gogo dancers (including the trio of best Batman actors ever), Gaga and Jenkins, the harassed Joey Hawke, the partying Super Sake crew drinking with the acrobats, and the crowd whoâs going absolutely wild! This is a sight to behold!
"Oh the lights dim while we're dancing
Yeah the floor is shakin'
In this disco heaven
D-disco heaven
(Oh disco heaven)"
Yeah the floor is shakin'
In this disco heaven
D-disco heaven
(Oh disco heaven)"
Finally the music starts to die down. The lights focus back on the ring area. The roller party around the ring dissipates. The gogo cages return to their gogo dungeons. And Lady Gaga and Bonnie Jenkins hug before the former takes a bow and then lets the show start.
Hawke: Wow! What a start to the show!
Randy: Iâll say! Why werenât you out there though?
Hawke: Well, you know, some of us have to be professional- and uh, hold down the fort.
Randy: You donât even know how to skate do you?
Hawke: On the contrary, I lived through this era, youâre in my wheelhouse tonight kid. But at my age, well, letâs just say that last time I tried skating I almost became the lady in the LifeLine commercials.
Randy: When was that?
Hawke: Yesterday when we were setting up, SEE I TRIED! AAAANYWAY welcome ladies and gentlemen to Overheated! As you can see weâre living up to the name by going all out tonight! Iâm Joey Hawke and as always Iâm joined by Randy Angel!
Randy: Super Sake Presents: Randy Angel.
Hawke: Ugh, are you going to do that all night? Weâve got a heck of a show for you all as you get to see not only all six Night of Champions qualifying matches, not only all four Cruiserfest opening round matches, BUT ALSO the X*Crown itself is on the line as Zoran Sainovic and Steve Awesome finally face off!
Randy: Thatâs right, weâve got a night of fun, feuds, and fury ahead of us!
Hawke: And with that letâs head to the ring where Bonnie Jenkins is patiently waiting for us to stop yapping!
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen WELCOME TO OVERHEATED! Our FIRST MATCH is an X*Crown qualifier scheduled for one fall! The winner will go on to the Night of Champions main event to compete for the X*Crown Championship! Introducing first, from Las Vegas, Nevada by way of Cherokee, North Carolina.....representing Tap Out Wrestling.....he is The Ace of Spades....JACK DIIAAAMOOND!
The house lights go down as "Legendary" by Skillet begins to play. A series of spotlights light the way from the back, across the roller rink, and to the ring. Soon "The Icon" Jack Diamond makes his way to the ring following the lit path.
Randy: You know for a casino owner I was expecting a bit more of a glitzy entrance.
Hawke: Well if you've been paying attention, both men have been getting pretty deep under each other's skin. I'd imagine that Jack is taking this opporunity quite seriously. If he wins tonight he'll have a chance to become the first three-time X*Crown Champion.
Randy: Does that mean that Rat also won't be enjoying the festivities of the evening?
Hawke: You know as well as I do that it's hard to predict anything Rat does aside from taking digs at Scorpion.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent....Hailing from Las Vegas, Nevada- THE TRUE LAS VEGAS AND NOT JUST SOME TINY STRIP OF CASINOS- He is representing REIGN.....he is the First Ever X*Crown Champion......RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT BASTARD!
"Mmm, yeah!"
Rat Bastard pops out from behind the curtain, with a full on Paul Stanley wig on.
"Tonight, I want to give it all to you
In the darkness, there's so much I want to do
And tonight, I want to lay it at your feet
'Cause girl, I was made for you
And girl, you were made for me"
In the darkness, there's so much I want to do
And tonight, I want to lay it at your feet
'Cause girl, I was made for you
And girl, you were made for me"
A brigade of roller skaters comes from behind the curtain and begin to spin in a circle around Rat who has his hands up high. The spot light hits the disco ball, and the tiny rainbow lights sparkle everywhere as the skaters one by one break off and begin to skate around the ring.
"I was made for lovin' you, baby
You were made for lovin' me
And I can't get enough of you, baby
Can you get enough of me?"
You were made for lovin' me
And I can't get enough of you, baby
Can you get enough of me?"
The camera focuses back in on Rat, who flicks his toothpick at the camera and begins to do the "spooky fingers" into it's lens.
"Tonight, I want to see it in your eyes
Feel the magic, there's something that drives me wild
And tonight, we're gonna make it all come true
'Cause girl, you were made for me
And girl, I was made for you"
Feel the magic, there's something that drives me wild
And tonight, we're gonna make it all come true
'Cause girl, you were made for me
And girl, I was made for you"
Rat begins to slowly do the "surfer walk" towards the ring. Yelling out "I was made for you baby girl, little Jackie Fuck Face Diamond! Your replacement Papi is here son.
"I was made for lovin' you, baby
You were made for lovin' me
And I can't get enough of you, baby
Can you get enough of me?"
You were made for lovin' me
And I can't get enough of you, baby
Can you get enough of me?"
Rat climbs the stairs into the ring to a chorus of boos, he looks out at the crowd before doing the " Bad guy shuffle", ripping the wig off and throwing it out into the crowd.
Randy: Now see that's what I was expecting!
Hawke: This is quite the subversion, the competitor representing the glitz of Vegas just comes down to the ring while the representative of the dregs makes a big production!
Randy: These men always manage to defy expectations!
Night of Champions Qualifier
Singles Match
Jack Diamond (TOW) vs Rat Bastard (REIGN)
The ref calls for the bell, and Rat Bastard saunters towards the middle of the ring pausing to pull the toothpick from his mouth to flick it into the face of Jack Diamond. He laughs, and Jack stares at the toothpick and then glares at Bastard before he takes a step forward. Rat Bastard backs up a few steps mocking with him a scared look and waving fingers.
Hawke: Rat Bastard poking the bear here tonight, and I donât think Jack appreciates it.
Randy: I am too sober for this after the KISS thing, are we going to see more Destroyer here tonight?
The ref backs off as Jack comes in, throwing a few stiff punches at Rat Bastard who tries to cover up as he is driven towards the ropes. Diamond cracks a stiff kick across Bastardâs thighs followed by a few more before he goes to whip him across the ring. But the first X*Crown Champion reverses, and Diamond is flung across the ring instead.
Randy: That was probably a bad decision from Diamond!
Clearly it was not as he came off the ropes with a bounce, and hit the âSnake Eyesâ! Bastard is dropped to the mat, and rolls to his feet to be battered with more kicks across the chest and face by Diamond. The fans cheer, and Diamond presses the advantage before Rat Bastard grabs his foot! He drags him forward, but Diamond hits the enziguri to knock the Bad Guy back.
Hawke: Jack Diamond using his speed to keep Bastard off balance in the early going here, and it looks to be working out!
Randy: Do you think they have any Sake in the back? When I watch wrestling on the XHF Network I enjoy Super Sake, use the code RandySentMe for 20% offâ
Hawke: Are you cutting a commercial?
Randy: No, no. Maybe?
Inside the ring, Jack Diamond has Bastard on the mat with the first ever X*Crown Champion looking dazed from the barrage of kicks. And Diamond points both fingers at him, making the gun machine before he runs forward to drop into a slide! Bastard is sent from the ring, and the fans cheer as the ref shakes his head at Diamond who shoves him aside before he leaps across the ropes.
Hawke: Jack Diamond taking this to the outside!
Randy: Not sure that is a great idea, Hawke.
It was not. Bastard came up, staggering as he caught Diamond to drape him across his shoulder. And he ran forward, driving Jack Diamond into the ringpost with a thud! The fans boo, and Diamond slumps before Rat Bastard dumps him to the floor. The ref counts, waving his arms before Bastard rolls inside to break the count.
Hawke: Rat Bastard breaking the count, and looking to punish Diamond some more it seems!
Randy: He should bring him over here to share the booth with you!
Hawke: You are no fun when youâre sober!
Rat Bastard meanwhile is stomping away at Diamond, a boot on his throat to choke him against the barricade as the fans boo. Bastard of course, talks trash at them with a smirk before he steps away from Diamond to break the count again at the seven! The ref fumes, and Bastard waves him off as he scoops up Diamond to throw him inside between the ropes. He mockingly dusts his hands, and rolls inside.
Hawke: Rat Bastard taking Jack Diamond lightly, not sure that is a great idea against a two time X*Crown Champion!
Randy: When you are an OG like Rat Bastard you donât have to sweat people like Jack Diamond! And when you drink Super Sake, you donât need to sweatâ
Hawke: Is this happening again?
Jack Diamond is pushing himself to his feet, but Rat Bastard wastes no time in dropping a huge elbow onto his back. That one followed by another and then a third, and then he locks on the Rat Trap! The fans groan, and Jack Diamond looks to be in trouble as he claws towards the ropes.
Hawke: Bastard going for the kill! At the very least he will wear Diamond down! Forcing him to drag the bigger man for the ropes!
Randy: It is locked in deep! This could be it!
Rat Bastard yanks back on the hold, wrenching Diamondâs neck and shoulders as the ref tries to check on him. And Diamond shakes his head, and then he manages to get a foot on the ropes! The ref calls for the break, and Rat Bastard keeps applying pressure until the four!
Hawke: Bastard taking full advantage of the count! That is a veteran move!
Randy: Well, he is as old as dirt,
The ref is admonishing Bastard, who smirks and waves him off before grabbing Diamond to drag him back to his feet. He lightly mockingly taps him on the cheek, and then he hauls him away from the ropes before he scoops him up for the shoulder breaker! The fans boo, and Diamond grabs at his shoulder as he shakes his head trying to rise again.
Hawke: Rat Bastard is trying to break down Diamondâs shoulder!
Randy: Not a bad idea, not what I would do.
Bastard pushes past the ref, grabbing Jack Diamond to pull him back to his feet before he hits a Slingshot Suplex off the ropes! Bastard smacks his cheek again, grabbing a fistful of hair as he pulls him back upwards before he shoves him into the corner. Bastard shoulders the ref out of the way, yelling threats at him before he grabs Diamond to drive a few stiff shots into his chest and stomach. Then he walks off, mocking the fans before he charges back in to batter an elbow into Diamondâs face.
Hawke: Bastard is just toying with him now! Just displaying utter contempt for Jack Diamond!
Randy: Well, Jack Diamond deserves it! He should have been more chill with an icon like Rat Bastard!
Rat Bastard meanwhile was choking Diamond against the turnbuckle with a boot to his throat, screaming at the counting ref who tried to pull him off. Rat Bastard yelled at him, backing him up with a balled up fist as he snarls at the man.
Hawke: Bastard needs to be careful of getting DQâed here!
Randy: That would be bad for the buy rates, we have to pay all these royalties for the disco!
Hawke: What?
Randy: And I owe Super Sake a few more mentions!
Rat Bastard turns from the ref, and is leveled out of nowhere by a thunderous â86 from Jack Diamond! The fans explode, and Bastard is down as Diamond stalks back and forth yelling at the fans who roar back. And then he ducks down in the corner, a hand lifting as he followed the rising Rat Bastard! Eighty-sixed AGAIN! Bastard is nearly launched into the other corner, and the fans canât believe it!
Hawke: Diamond is back in this match! Rat Bastard looks shocked!
Randy: I have not seen a recovery like this since last weekend! Diamond is back in the fight!
Bastard staggers along the ropes, shaking his head as he tried to walk it off. But Diamond wasnât it, he came running across the ring to shove Bastard into the corner! His hand pulled back, and he started to rain chops across the Bastardâs hairy chest! The fans started to count, reaching 9 before Diamond walked off with a shake of his head before he pointed his fingers at him before the thumbs dropped like triggers!
Randy: DIAMOND SPLASH!
Hawke: Rat Bastard is in trouble, and Diamond goes for the kill!
Diamond indeed went for the kill, calling for the Stacked Deck! But Rat Bastard shoves the referee into him, and the men go down in a tangle. The fans are furious, and Rat Bastard shrugs with a laugh before he slides to the outside. He grabs a chair from the crowd, and he smirks as he saunters back towards the ring.
Hawke: Rat Bastard looking to take advantage with the referee down!
Randy: Smart, heâs a smart man. I bet he drinks Super Sakeâ
Hawke: Would you stop!
Bastard starts to climb inside the ring, but Diamond is back on his feet. He charges across the ring, and drops into a slide to drive the steel chair back into the first X*Crown Championâs face! The Bastard stumbles back, shaking his head before Diamond starts to drop punch after punch on him. The fans are cheering him on, and Bastard falls back against the barricade. Diamond charges after him, going for another splash but Bastard ducks low and flings him over the barrier into the crowd, The fans jeer, and Rat Bastard gives them the spooky fingers before he rolls back into the ring. He jerks the slowly stirring ref to his feet, smacking him awake as he demands the count.
Randy:Rat Bastard seeming to decide that a count out win is good enough! But donât you ever get counted out with Super Sake! Nowâ
Hawke: Rat Bastard eating this up, and the ref is counting as these fans boo!
Diamond is finally on his feet, heading for the ring before he stares. The count is at eight, and he drops into a sprint before he dives for the ring! The ref holds up nine fingers, and the place erupts! Rat Bastard is furious, shaking his head and screaming at the ref.
Hawke: Rat Bastard didnât like that at all!
Randy: People get upset when I canât count too, especially if I am driving.
Hawke: What?
Randy: Or was driving before they interrupted me!
Hawke: Rat Bastard is back on Diamond, battering away with punch after punch!
DDT! Diamond sprawls, and the fans groan as Rat Bastards makes the cover!
1âŠ.
2âŠ
Randy: KICK OUT! KICK OUT!
Rat Bastard hits the mat, clearly frustrated before he shoves back the ref before he grabs Jack Diamond by the hair. He lifts him into the air before calling for the Bastard Bomb, and the fans boo loudly! But Diamond moves to reverse, dropping a few sudden blows into his head before he drops free!
Hawke: ICON KICK! ICON KICK!
Randy: Whoa! I didnât think a superkick would drop anyone in this company!
Hawke: You went there?
Rat Bastard is down, and Diamond wastes no time in hooking the leg as he goes for the pin!
1âŠ
2âŠ
The ref calls for the break, pointing as Bastardâs hand is under the ropes! Diamond nods, and drags Rat from the corner before he lifts his opponentâs leg to drive a few hard kicks into the back of his thigh! Then he starts to stomp at his knee, battering away at Bastard before he calls for the âAces Wildâ!
Hawke: Diamond going after the big manâs vertical base with the Aces Wild! This could be over for the first X*Crown Champion!
Randy: It might be!
Diamond leans back, tightening the hold as Bastard grabs at his knees. Trying to force the hold off before Diamond leans back again, arching his back as the hold tightens again to force pressure on the knee! Rat Bastard falls, hammering his fists at the ring as he yells at the ref!
Hawke: It is locked in deep!
Randy: Bastard trying to get to the ropes, but Diamond is fighting him for every inch!
The Rat Bastard lunges forward, and grabs at Diamondâs face before barely snagging his hair. And his fist cracks home for a few stiff punches, that break the hold! He rolls to his feet, stumbling as he hammers a fist into his thigh as he limps to lean against the ropes. The ref checks on him, but Bastard waves him off before taking a step to be caught with a spinning heel kick from Diamond!
Hawke: Oh my god! Rat Bastard is down again!
Randy: Jack Diamond leaps onto the turnbuckle, and he points down at Bastard!
Hawke: 450 Splash!
But Rat Bastard averts disaster rolling aside, and Diamond crashes down on the empty mat. He crashes down, holding at his ribs before he stumbles to his feet. And Bastard wastes no time, lunging forward to drive a hard elbow into his back. The pair fall to the mat, and the fans are cheering as the ref starts a count. Diamond is back up at 5, and Rat Bastard follows at seven, The two staring at each other, before Bastard grabs Diamond to fling him at the corner! But Diamond leaps, hitting the middle ropes before coming off for a drop! But Bastard catches him mid-air, and hits the T-bone suplex!
Cover!
1âŠ
2âŠ
Hawke: Diamond kicks out! These fans are going wild!
Randy: I am going to need more sake! This is a banger!
Bastard shakes his head in disbelief, nearly falling as he grabs at his knee before he reaches for Diamond! But Jack Diamond grabs his arm, yanking him downward before going for the roll up! The fans explode, and the ref again makes the dive!
1âŠ
Randy: Bastard kicks out!
Hawke: These men have to be exhausted!
Diamond smirks at Bastard, holding up his fingers close together. Bastard fumes, and limps forward to throw a few big haymakers at Diamond. Diamond covers up, backing up towards the corner before he grabs Bastard to shove him against the turnbuckle!
CHOP!
CHOP!
CHOP!
Hawke: Diamond lighting up the veteran!
Randy: I can see the welts through the hair!
Bastard sagged in the corner, and shook his head before Diamond ran back before he came flying in again for the DIAMOND SPLASH! The fans explode, and Bastard goes limp before Diamond lifts him onto the turnbuckle with ill intentions on his mind!
Hawke: This is it! It could all be over right here!
Jack Diamond climbs to the second turnbuckle in order to do a cutter, but Bastard comes to life and shoves Jack from the corner. Rat Bastard jumps from the corner to slam Jack with a double axe handle. He pulls Jack up and whips him into the ropes, but Jack reverses the move and sends Bastard right into the referee!
Hawke: The ref is down!
Randy: I can see that, yeah.
Rat Bastard gets Jack Diamond up and hits a Bastard Bomb! Thereâs no one to count the pinfall so Bastard releases the pinfall and goes to wake up the referee. A second ref slides into the ring as Jack Diamond pulls Rat Bastard into a backslide. The second ref counts the pinfall, but Rat Bastard shifts and Jackâs shoulderâs are also down. The first ref wakes and counts the pinfall at the same time!
One
Two
Three!
Both referees signal for the bell to be sounded. Bonnie steps into the ring and looks between the two referees. The replacement ref holds up Rat's arm as the winner. But the original ref holds up Jack's! Confusion abounds as the referees talk about who the winner is and Rat and Jack exchange harsh words. Finally, Bonnie touches her earpiece where she has a direct line to management. She nods to herself.
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of the match and going on to the main event at Night of Champions to fight for the X*CrownâŠBOTH Jack Diamond AND Rat Bastard!
Hawke: What the heck? How could management come up with such a thing. Iâm sure if we go to the replay that one referee was faster than the other.
Randy: I guess Mongo already made the ruling.
Hawke: I suppose.
Randy: What the big boss man says goes.
Hawke: I find it hard to believe Mongo would let Rat through in a situation like this. Or Jack now that I'm thinking about it.
Randy: Look I just drink the drinks and watch the matches. WOOO WRESTLING!
Both men look incredibly confused by the ruling and it hasn't stopped their animosity for each other as both take wild swings at the other. Luckily the two refs are there to break things up and keep things moving.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is scheduled for one fall and is a quarterfinal match in the Cruiserfest Fired Up tournament! The following teams have been assembled at random by having Bongo draw pictures of what he thinks the competitors look like and having Mongo point at random pictures to critique them, with each consecutive two pictures being a team! Introducing first, the Ambassador of Hardcore! The J-ROK New Wave Champion! DARLENE PRICE!
"Love The Way You Hate Me" by Rising Storm starts to play over the speakers, Darlene comes out eyeing the crowd for a second before she makes her way down to the ring, high-fiving a few random fans here and there. She slides into the ring and takes her jacket off before throwing up the crucifix with metal horns.
Hawke: Oh my our first draw of the night might be the most dangerous of wildcards.
Randy: Heck yeah, J-ROK pride! Please don't hurt me, Dar!
Bonnie Jenkins: And her partner, the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion! Nelly Angel!
The arena is bathed in darkness. Thereâs murmurs from the crowd as theyâre left to sit in complete darkness. Finally some hands amble on a piano in almost a melodic series but not quite. Thatâs when a spotlight falls upon the roller rink around the ring revealing the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, Nelly Angel. Heâs wearing a light blue jumpsuit with flared pants and a red racing stripe. He starts off crouching and twisted with his arms around himself. Slowly he unfurls his body and stands up as Gloria Gaynorâs âI Will Surviveâ begins in earnest.
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore"
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore"
As the higher pace of the song kicks in Nelly gets his dance on. He works some fancy roller skate footwork in that isnât all that impressive since heâs not actually moving that much. The title gleams around his waist as he starts to spin. Between the golden title and his jumpsuit he looks almost like a novelty chocolate cigar that says âItâs a Boy!â on it.
"Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey"
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey"
Nelly makes use of the roller rink setup by getting his skate on. He tries to make up for a lack of legitimate moves by doing some hand dances. There appears to be a Macarena in there but weâll pretend we didnât catch that. As he gets confident he makes a few more gestures that are more fitting with the time period as well as hip thrusts.
"It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high and you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me
Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore"
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high and you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me
Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore"
Bringing his feet close together Nelly executes a surprisingly alright little twist with his arms out while still managing forward momentum. This emboldens him and after a few moments with his hands on his knees he twirls around and starts skating backwards!
"Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive"
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive"
The concentration needed to maintain a backwards skate seems to be taking its toll on the champion as heâs barely able to fire off upper-body dances and finally he rolls close to the ring, grabbing a turnbuckle bringing him to a stop as he leans against the ring, somewhat out of breath.
"OhâŠ"
Already a little winded, Nelly reaches down and unscrews the skates from his ring boots (neat trick) and jumps up onto the apron. He leans back on the ropes and flips over with their help making his way into the ring to allow him to go to each side and display the Junior Heavyweight Championship.
"Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive
I will survive"
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive
I will survive"
As the song fades out Nelly looks over the title one more time before handing it off to the referee and whispering something to Bonnie Jenkins.
Randy: Oh no.
Hawke: Yeah this does not look to be an ideal team up.
Randy: Oh. No.
Hawke: It'll be fine they're both talented people.
Bonnie Jenkins: They are.....PLEASE SEND HELP I THINK SHE'LL KILL ME IF WE LOSE!
Dar quickly shoots a dirty look to Nelly who covers his face because clearly this plan isn't working at all.
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents...... First, he is Ken Howard!
The lights go out in the arena. "I'm Alive" by Electric Light Orchestra begins to pump through the speakers as color LEDs of red, blue, and yellow swirl through the arena. Ken Howard comes out down the entrance ramp on roller skates ala the movie Xanadu while dressed in a tie-dyed short sleeve t-shirt with a large gold chain and acid washed jeans. His red ""Make UHF Great Again: 2022" hat catches everyone's eyes as he begins rolling around the ring. However, while he is busy gesturing "gracefully" he seems to have not taken notice of the commentators table and crashes into it as the record skips!
Hawke: Well I feel sorry for whoever he's tagging with.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his partner, the Goddess of Death! Natasha!
A cloud of smoke appears on the "stage" as a group of hooded figures walk through it. In the middle is their master, their god, Natasha! She slowly walks to the ring, stepping into the ring and dropping to one knee, grabbing hold of her right wrist with her left hand and signaling for the lights to come back up with an upwards motion.
Hawke: ...And suddenly I feel sorry for him.
Randy: Shh, I want to find out what Bonnie names them!
Bonnie Jenkins: Together they are.....MAKE THE OCCULT GREAT AGAIN!
Randy: Bahahahahahaha!
Cruiserfest: Fired Up! Round 1
Tag-Team Match
Nelly Angel (c) and Darlene Price vs Natasha and Ken Howard
The bell rings. Ken Howard attempts to start for his team, showing gentlemanly regard for the health of a female competitor which Natasha, staring off into space, ignores. Nelly Angel leaps into action for his own team, looking to get a fast start on the opposition. Nelly advances and wings Ken with an elbow strike. Howard reels back but winds up a slug of a punch that staggers Angel briefly. Nelly returns with another elbow. Another punch comes in from Ken. Ken wraps behind and looks to lock in a sleeper, hoping to transition into an early Deluxe Dreamhouse but Nelly slips loose and grabs a three-quarter facelock, thinking Exclusive for a super quick progression. Ken pushes him off and Nelly rebounds off the ropes and Ken hits one of his perfect Arm Drags! Nelly rolls through and grabs one of Kenâs arms hitting an Arm Drag of his own! The pair square off and circle but as they pass their own corners there is a double-blind tag and Darlene and Natasha enter the ring.
Randy: Solid start from Nelly Angel! Heâs sure to win this whole tournament!
Hawke: Unlike my broadcast partner I am going to try and remain unbiased through this match.
Randy: So youâre gonna pull for the teleporting sociopath and the plastic bigot?
Hawke: Thatâs not what neutral means.
Darlene Price and Natasha walk to the center of the ring and face off. The Ambassador of Violence and The Goddess of Death stare at each other, time stands still for a few seconds as the atmosphere thickens. Darlene fires off a stiff kick to Natashaâs ribcage and The Goddess stands, unmoved by the blow. A glance is fired off, almost daring Darlene to try that again and Price doesnât need an invitation to do so, a huge crack sounding out across the arena. Darlene totally drops her guard and snarls at her opponent, annoyed by Natashaâs lack of reaction. Price yells âHIT ME!â at Natasha who obliges with an elbow strike that sends Darlene wheeling away with the impact. As Dar turns back round you can see a grin forming across her face. Darlene opens up and goes WILD on Nats, throwing a barrage of short elbows that backs The Goddess into her own corner. Howard tags himself in as Natasha reverses and hits a sequence of stinging shops to Darlene and Natasha has to be told by the official to get out of the ring. Howard has a change of heart as he begins to lay the strikes on the J-ROK New Wave Champion.
Hawke: Howard with a complete change of heart as he is throwing down with Dar! What happened to that gentlemanly demeanor earlier?
Randy: Itâs a facade bro. He doesnât care about women. He will kick the ass of whoever he wants to get what he wants!
Hawke: Even if he kicks the ass of Nelly for Nellyâs Junior Heavyweight Championship?
Randy: ⊠KICK HIS ASS LIL BRO!
Darlene relishes the fact she gets to fight a guy for a change, welcoming the challenge. She begins to tee off on the skull of Ken, rocking the perfect face of Ken! Trying to crack that plastic complexion! Perhaps going too stiff for the young Ken as he quickly backs off, hands in front of his face!
Ken: Hey! Watch the fucking face, this is the moneymaker! You bitch!
Oh ho ho, Ken, you should not have said that. Darlene grins a toothy grin and nails him with a bicycle knee strike! She unloads with a series of furious punches as Ken is flat out on the ground! Darlene lays in with stiff elbows, really showing Ken how much of a âbitchâ she is! A tooth flies out of Kenâs mouth and blood drips out as he kicks Dar in the gut, then again in the face! She topples to the ground and Ken crawls over to Natasha, hand outstretched for the hot tag. But Natasha stares down with an empty glance, not moving for the save. The look of shock on Kenâs face as Dar drags him back is a sight to be seen!
Randy: Woo! Girl power!
Darlene drags Ken back, tagging Nelly in and he hops over the ropes. They both whip Ken against the ropes and take him down with a double clothesline! Nelly takes a moment to relish in the fanfare, posing for the attendees as Nat tags in and rolls Nelly up! One, two, kick out from the champ! That was close! Nelly laughs as he turns around, only to get a stiff palm strike to the face! Nelly falls back as Natasha unleashes a series of lightning-fast strikes on the champion! Kicks, palm strikes, anything to back Nelly into a neutral corner. Nelly lifts his knees up and kicks Nat in the face, stunning her just long enough to climb up on the second rope. Nelly goes for a diving elbow but Natasha reverses it with ease into a DDT! The champ is out! Natasha cracks her neck and stretches her arms, a sly grin on her normally-expressionless face! Nelly gets to his knees and Nat runs at him, step-up enzuigiri! Nellyâs flat on the mat and Nat kneels at his head ala a certain deadman, arms outstretched for everyone to bask in her godly glory!
Hawke: Natasha is a force to be reckoned with in the ring. In a few moments, she turned the tides for Make The Occult Great Again! Wow, Bonnie, that was a mouthful.
Bonnie laughs offscreen.
Randy: Yeah, it doesnât help that Natâs freakinâ insane! No wonder she beats people so effortlessly! She has no empathy, no remorse.
Hawke: Donât let her hear you say that about her.
Natasha drags the champ to her corner and tags the plastic boy back in! Ken is firing on all cylinders, dismissing Natâs attempted double team move in favor of taking on the champ on his own! He got a quick taste of this earlier and with a streak of blood dripping from his mouth he looks like a madman beating Nelly senseless! Ken whips Nelly against the ropes and sticks him in the gut with the kitchen sink! Nelly flips over his knee and lands hard on his back, rolling away and holding his back! Nelly rolls to the apron, Ken stalking him! He grabs Nelly by the hair and lifts him up but Nelly hangs him out to dry on the top rope! Ken bounces back like he just took a Price Crash and Nelly regains his senses on the apron. He shakes out his arm before pulling himself onto the top rope, springboarding for a Swanton bomb! Nelly lands on Kenâs gut and knocks the wind out of him, a grin on his face as Ken slowly gets to his feet! Nelly grabs Ken, runs to the corner, and flips over him! THE EXCLUSIVE! NATASHA RUNS INTO THE RING BUT DAR DROPS NATASHA WITH THE RU486! OUT OF NOWHERE! Nelly hooks the legs of Ken as the ref counts one, two, three!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winners of this match, are Nelly Angel and Darlene Price! Please Send Help I Think She'll Kill Me If We Lose!
Dar shoots Bonnie a dirty look this time as Bonnie giggles from the safety of the timekeeper's area.
Randy: Woohoo! The champ retains! Nelly Angel successfully defends the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship!
Hawke: Sometimes I wonder how you have a commentary job.
Nelly climbs on the turnbuckle, celebrating his win! Darlene comes up behind him, wrapping her arm around his shoulders and grinning! Nelly looks uncomfortable as hell as Dar slaps him a little too hard on the back, saying sheâll see him in two weeks for their next encounter!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! The winner will go on to Night of Championsâ main event to fight for the X*Crown championship! Featuring first the challenger, representing CAR, Armbishi!
The funky beats of Salt 'N' Pepa hit the speakers as everyone's favorite himbo werewolf lothario Armbishi makes his way out. Out of his element in a wrestling ring as opposed to the race track, he nervously walks to the ring from the back, waving to fans before sliding into the ring.
Hawke: Armbishi is one to be watched. He has claimed that he would rather have sex with TEMERARIO rather than fight him. Does this mean that heâs going to try to seduce TEMERARIO during the match?
Randy: Nah. Armbishi is a professional. He wouldnât try anything like that.
Hawke: Are you sure?
Randy: Well, no. Iâm not sure.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, representing Jrok, TEMERARIO!
"Ooh, ooh
Don't you wanna be automatic?
Don't you wanna live automatically?
Say you wanna, say the word"
Don't you wanna be automatic?
Don't you wanna live automatically?
Say you wanna, say the word"
The disco lights are in full swing as Don Broco's "Automatic" starts to play and TEMERARIO comes strutting out to a pop from those in attendance, as he hits the rink the lights on his already elaborate lucha costumes begin to flicker all different LED colors!
"Ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh"
Ooh, ooh"
TEMERARIO dance struts towards the ring, but not before acknowledging almost any crowd member that will make eye contact with him. Heâs having a great time, sod the producers saying 30 seconds!
"Miracle, miracle cures
You don't think twice, you don't think about it
Something I, something I, something I heard
You don't take a bite you won't know"
You don't think twice, you don't think about it
Something I, something I, something I heard
You don't take a bite you won't know"
TEMERARIO finally gets to the ring and he slides into the ring and heads to the nearest turnbuckle, climbing it to once again amp up the crowd as the chorus drops in.
"Don't you wanna be automatic?
Don't you wanna live?
Don't you wanna be automatic?
Don't you wanna live?
Don't you wanna be automatic?
Don't you wanna live automatically?
Say you wanna, say the word
And you're cured"
Don't you wanna live?
Don't you wanna be automatic?
Don't you wanna live?
Don't you wanna be automatic?
Don't you wanna live automatically?
Say you wanna, say the word
And you're cured"
In the meantime heâs hit each turnbuckle to get the crowd going, the LED lights still flickering in time with the music. Finally he heads to his corner and the music fades out.
Hawke: Look at TEMERARIO. Heâs ready for a wrestling match and not being seduced.
Randy: I have to wonder. Does Armbishi give it or take it?
Hawke: Is that important info?
Randy: To TEMERARIO it might be.
Hawke: I think thatâŠwellâŠit might be.
Randy: Of course.
Night of Champions Qualifier
Singles Match
Armbishi (CAR) vs TEMERARIO (J-ROK)
As the bell rings to start the match, TEMERARIO gets into a fighting stance and begins to slowly close the distance between him and Armbishi, who gets into a sloppy fighting stance that kind of mirrors TEMERARIOâs stance.
Armbishi: Am I doing it right?
TEMERARIO cocks his head at Armbishi.
TEMERARIO: No? You look like you want to hug me instead of fight me.
Armbishi adjusts his stance and, yeah, makes it look worse.
Armbishi: How about now? Am I doing the wrestling thing?
TEMERARIO: No? Let me help you. Here.
Hawke: TEMERARIO is going to coach Armbishi on his fighting stance during their match?
Randy: Every match is a learning moment.
TEMERARIO manipulates Armbishi to get him into a good fighting stance.
TEMERARIO: There. That is the right stance to have to be able to defend yourself for when I come at you.
Armbishi: Thank you!
Armbishi uses both hands (paws?) to grab the sides of TEMERARIOâs head and gives him a big sloppy FRENCH kiss that goes on for some time as TEMERARIO tries to fight to break free. Once he does, he backs away from Armbishi and coughs and spits with his hands on his knees. Armbishi glides into the fighting stance that he was just shown with a smile.
Hawke: Iâm thinking that TEMERARIO might be mad.
Randy: You think?
TEMERARIO charges at Armbishi, who looks like a deer in the headlights, and takes him down with a lariat. Armbishi hits the back of his head on the mat and rolls on the mat while clutching at his head in pain. TEMERARIO runs to the corner while Armbishi is slow to get back up to his feet. TEMERARIO charges at Armbishi, hitting a shotgun dropkick that sends Armbish crashing into the opposite corner. TEMERARIO runs at Armbishi in the corner and goes for a hurricanrana, BUT Armbishi holds onto him, spins, and drops the back of TEMERARIOâs head onto the top of the ring post! TEMERARIO falls to the floor outside of the ring while Armbishi blinks, unsure what he just did.
Hawke: TEMERARIO could be dead after that move!
Randy: I wonât argue with you there. That was devastating. TEMERARIO is just laying there.
Hawke: The ref is starting to count him out, but waitâŠArmbishi is rolling to the outside.
Randy: He could have had the match won!
Armbishi rolls out of the ring and helps the limp TEMERARIO back to his feet and rolls him into the ring before following. When TEMERARIO doesnât get up, Armbishi goes for the cover! NO! Armbishi is doing chest compressions and then mouth to mouth with tongue? TEMERARIO begins flailing about and pushes Armbishi off of him. He sits up and backhands Armbishi before rolling away and to his feet. Armbishi looks angry and begins slapping at TEMERARIO with his face turned away. Yeah, those kind of slaps. TEMERARIO grabs Armbishi by the wrists and throws him to the ropes. Armbishi rushes back and hits a hip attack that knocks TEMERARIO down to the mat. TEMERARIO hops back to his feet and decks Armbishi hard enough to spin him around. He grabs the himbo from behind and hits an atomic drop before hitting a pele kick that drives the wolfman to the mat. TEMERARIO hits a standing moonsault and hooks the leg. The ref gets into position to count.
Armbishi: This is nice.
TEMERARIO jumps off of Armbishi, looking horrified. Armbishi stands up and hits a sloppy drop kick that backs TEMERARIO into the ropes. He springs back at Armbishi and brings him down with a neckbreaker. TEMERARIO climbs to the top rope and looks down at the prone Armbishi. He raises his arms to the cheering of the crowd and leaps into the air for a shooting star press! Armbish gets up his knees for TEMERARIO to land his midsection on. Armbishi dumps TEMERARIO to the side and stands up.
Armbishi does a standing moonsault, sort of. He manages to flip upside down and land head first onto TEMERARIOâs head!
Hawke: What an impact! You think Armbishi meant to do that?
Randy: Yeah, I donât think so.
Armbishi is the first to stand up, grabbing at his head and making a few falling steps before heâs back on his face. TEMERARIO is up second, blood gliding down the side of his face from a gash over his eye from the fumbled standing moonsault. TEMERARIO pulls Armbishi up into a package piledriver set up position. Armbishi wriggles his legs so that TEMERARIO releases him and Armbishi lands on his feet. He goes to backdrop TEMERARIO, but the luchador holds on tight and is upside down on Armbishiâs back. Heâs on shaky legs so he plops down to a seated position that drops TEMERARIO onto his head! Armbishi rolls over onto TEMERARIO in a sloppy cover of his upper body. The ref gets into position to count.
One
Two
Th-TEMERARIO kicks out!
Armbishi kneels up and looks down at TEMERARIO before going for the cover again, this time pushing TEMERARIOâs face to the side.
One
Tw-TEMERARIO kicks out!
Armbishi stands up and watches as TEMERARIO slowly gets to his feet. The wolfman goes to the ropes with TEMERARIO following. Armbishi hops over the ropes and goes for the buckshot lariat, but TEMERARIO gets a boot up to mash Armbishi in the snout and drop him to the mat. Armbishi slowly sits up, wiping blood from his snout. He glares at TEMERARIO, looking angry.
Hawke: I think this is about to get real for Armbishi.
Randy: I think I saw his eyes flicker a glowing red, but it went away.
Hawke: I wonder if things are about to get more intense?
Randy: I hope so.
Armbishi stands up and TEMERARIO moves in quickly with a saito suplex. He goes for the cover!
One
Two
Th-Armbishi shoves TEMERARIO off of him and about three feet into the air.
Hawke: How did he do that?
Randy: Maybe making him angry has given him new strength?
Hawke: That could be, yeah.
Randy: A lot of strength.
TEMERARIO stands up but is met by a quickly rising Armbishi who rakes both claws across his chest, tearing through clothing and skin. Armbishi gives a savage snarl for a moment before going back to his happy self. TEMERARIO backs away clutching at his chest where blood seeps through his fingers. Armbishi comes at TEMERARIO, but without much of a game plan. TEMERARIO takes him down with a hip toss and jumps over the ropes to the outside apron. He slingshots back into the ring and hits a legdrop! He goes for the cover.
One
Tw-Armbishi kicks out!
TEMERARIO stands up and pulls Armbishi to his feet and takes him down with a Tequila Resaca (Canadian destroyer) and goes for the cover once again.
One
Two
Th-Armbishi kicks out.
TEMERARIO stands up and watches Armbishi for a moment to see that he is down and then goes to the top rope. He goes for the shooting star press and Armbishi moves out of the way at the last moment so that TEMERARIO crashes to the mat! Armbishi stands up. He runs to the ropes and comes back with a leg drop onto the back of Termerarioâs neck. Well, he doesnât hit it quite right so he more drops his butt onto the back of TEMERARIOâs head. He rolls TEMERARIO over and goes for the cover.
One
Two
Thr-TEMERARIO kicks out!
Armbishi stands up. He looks down at TEMERARIO and seems to be thinking about what to do next. TEMERARIO works to get up and Armbishi grabs him by the sides of the head and hits him in the face with a knee to send him crashing down to the mat. Armbishi awkwardly climbs to the top rope and turns around. He leaps through the air as TEMERARIO gets back to his feet and smashes him in the face with a missile drop kick!
Hawke: That was a tremendous move from Armbishi. I wonder what made him go to the top rope?
Randy: Desperation. He donât know what it will take to put TEMERARIO away.
Armbishi grabs TEMERARIO by the legs and sloppily applies a figure four leglock. The ref checks to see if TEMERARIO will submit, but he seems surprisingly fine. Armbishi cries out in pain though and instantly breaks the hold.
Hawke: Armbishi put the hold on so wrong that he hurt himself? How?
Randy: Iâve done that before. On account of being drunk in the ring.
Hawke: I guess I can believe that.
Randy: You know it.
Armbishi stands up and stomps TEMERARIO a few times before the luchador rolls away and to his feet. TEMERARIO grabs Armbishi in a lock up before whipping him at the ropes. On the rebound, TEMERARIO leaps at Armbishi and takes him down with a head scissors, keeping the move locked in. The ref checks to see if Armbishi will submit, but he refuses. After a few moments, TEMERARIO releases Armbishi and gets him into the package piledriver position again. This time he nails the TERMERARIO PAQUETE #1 and goes for the cover.
One
Two
Three!
Bonnie Jenkins: Winner of the match and going on to the main event at Night of Champions to vie for the X*CrownâŠTEMERARIO!
Hawke: Armbishi really tried, but TEMERARIO was too much for him.
Randy: I think we all really expected this since Armbishi is a race car driver and not a wrestler.
Hawke: Yeah, I mean it would have been interesting had Armbishi would have won.
Randy: TEMERARIOâs stock would have seriously dropped if he would have been defeated by a clearly untrained wrestler.
Hawke: Yeah, I think TEMERARIO would have been looked down upon by the wrestling community for losing.
Randy: I look down on him now for struggling.
Hawke: Yeah, Armbishi did his best.
Randy: Right.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is scheduled for one fall and is a quarterfinal match in the Cruiserfest Fired Up tournament! The following teams have been assembled at random by having Bongo draw pictures of what he thinks the competitors look like and having Mongo point at random pictures to critique them, with each consecutive two pictures being a team!
The lights turn off for a moment. The dueling guitar riffs from Simple Plan guitarists SĂ©bastien Lefebvre and Jeff Stinco from their song âLast One Standingâ as the screen reads â#Believeâ in a light blue font. With a solitary spotlight on the top of the ramp, Adrien Cochrane appears the moment Pierre Bouvierâs vocals begin to echo throughout the venue. He waves to the crowd while skating an entire lap around the rink before hitting the ring and dropping off the skates.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, from New Orleans, Louisiana â he is the ORIGINAL Guardian ⊠the Dropkick King, ADRIEN COCHRANE!
Randy: Do you think heâs gonna end up with another Guardian like last time?
Hawke: There are very few people Adrien wouldnât want to work with.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his partner...
House lights cut, plunging the arena into darkness. Cellphones turn to flashlight apps as the impatient audience try to figure out what is going on. Then the perfect bass line of the only Disco song thatâs any good, Thelma Hustonâs âDonât Leave Me This Wayâ starts to warble over the PA, not with her beautiful voice, but the harsh baritone of a twenty carton a day smoker male.
"Donât leave me this waaaay
I canât survive, I canât stay alive, without your love oooh baby
Donât leave me this way,
No I canât exist...
Iâll surely miss⊠your tender kisssss
Donât leave me this waaaay"
I canât survive, I canât stay alive, without your love oooh baby
Donât leave me this way,
No I canât exist...
Iâll surely miss⊠your tender kisssss
Donât leave me this waaaay"
A spotlight hits the disco ball twenty feet above the ring, causing light to reflect off into the crowd⊠with the exception of a large dark spot. The spot creates a semi-circular shadow against a far wall â a tail? A camera pulls in for a tight close-up of the ball, where Your Motherlovinâ Florida Man dangles upside down with a microphone... singing himself in.
Florida Man:
"Aaaaaaah BABY!
MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE N DESIRE FOR YOU!
NOW COMEâON DOWN AND DOOOOO WHAT YOUâVE GOT TO DO!â
YOU STARTED THIS FIRE⊠DOWN IN MY SOOOOUL!â
NOW CANâT YOU SEE ITâS BURNING OUT OF CONTROOOOOL!â
COMEâON, SATISTFY THE NEEEEEED IN MEEE
CAAAAAUSE ONLY YOUR GOOD LOVINâ
CAN SET ME FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
NOW COMEâON DOWN AND DOOOOO WHAT YOUâVE GOT TO DO!â
YOU STARTED THIS FIRE⊠DOWN IN MY SOOOOUL!â
NOW CANâT YOU SEE ITâS BURNING OUT OF CONTROOOOOL!â
COMEâON, SATISTFY THE NEEEEEED IN MEEE
CAAAAAUSE ONLY YOUR GOOD LOVINâ
CAN SET ME FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
Bonnie Jenkins: ...The Florida Man.
The house lights come up...
Florida Man:
"DONâT, DONâT YOU LEAVE ME THIS WAY
NO DONâT YOU UNDERSTAND, I'M-
AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!"
AFRAID OF HEIGHTS!"
Bonnie Jenkins: For the love of-
When the picture returns, Randy has set up a ladder under the disco ball for Florida Man to climb down.
Randy: There! Now come down so we can continue the show!
Florida Man: NO WAY! YOU COME UP!
Sighing, Randy climbs the ladder, where Florida Man almost makes them both fall, desperately clinging to the announcerâs shoulders. The things Randy does to get to an end of segment drink. Cradling his J-RoK tag rival like a baby, Randy Angel runs down the ladder like only a perpetually inebriated man can â depositing the acrophobic luchador next to his embarrassed Fired Up partner.
Florida Man: OH YEAH, we are â THE WATCHABLE GUARDIANS!
Adrien appears to be more irked to find that Florida has stolen some of his gear so the duo can have matching tights.
Hawke: I think they found someone Adrien would rather not be teamed withâŠ
âSpeed Me Upâ by Wiz Khalifa hits the speakers as the lights go all strobey and sparkly. Out into the roller rink rolls a cautious Danni Anderson. She lets out a deep breath and then her eyes light up as she looks at the crowd. She throws out the peace sign then rolls right to the ring. She leaps onto the apron and runs into the ring where she and Adrien hug. Florida Man puts his arms out signaling to bring it in but she ignores him and poses for the crowd.
Randy: You can see the dejection in Floâs tail.
Hawke: How is Adrien going to fair against his fellow Guardian?
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents, entering first- from Santa Monica, California â she is the Sweetheart Esper â DANNI ANDERSON!
*âSkyâs the Limitâ hits the speakers as the spotlights hit the entryway. Latoya Hixx skates onto the rink and stares down her opponents. She rolls right to the ring and leaps up onto it and poses for the crowd.*
Bonnie Jenkins: Her partner, from Boston, Massachusetts â LATOYA HIXX! and together they are ⊠*she ponders* SOFT EDGE SOCIETY!
Cruiserfest: Fired Up! Round 1
Tag-Team Match
Danni Anderson and Latoya Hixx vs Adrien Cochrane and Florida Man
DING DING DING!
Florida Man: Why donât you go first best buddy. Iâll be ready to save your butt later!
Adrien facepalms⊠Across the ring Latoya leaps to the center of the ring and points at the former X*Crown champion. Adrien looks at her and points to himself. She nods and he shrugs and comes to the center of the ring. Adrien holds out a hand for a test of strength and Hixx obliges. They jockey back and forth for a bit before Adrien snaps the hands down then leaps up for a dropkick. Hixx is unable to dodge with her hands still locked in his and eats the kick to the chest.
Florida Man: WOO Guardians represent! What a kingly dropkick sir!
The sound of the lizard man on the apron produces a visible wince in Adrien. Latoya uses this momentary lapse to kip up and sweep his legs out. She immediately pounces on him with a fujiwara arm bar. Adrien rolls onto his back pinning Latoya until she breaks the hold before a count. She rolls to her feet and kicks him in the ribs as he stands. Flo pounds on the turnbuckle with all the fury of the populace of Florida during a Miami Dolphins perfect season.
Hawke: I half expected Florida Man to load the turnbuckle with fireworks for this show.
Randy: Charles took all his fireworks.
Hawke: Really?
Randy: SKY Force is weird bro. *sips from a sippy cup with Cthuluâs face on it, loaded with everclear.*
The Boss wastes no time in hauling Cochrane in and putting him back on the ground with an arm drag into a deep arm wrench on the ground. Adrien uses his strength advantage to fight free of the arm wrench. The Original Guardian gets to his hands and knees, but gets put into a standing headscissors for his trouble. The Blueprint leaps up and comes down on the back of Adrienâs neck. She leaps for a second but the Cajun Sensation pushes to his knees and back body drops her to the canvas. As she stands up, she is met with a crisp dropkick to the face. Danni watches this all happening with a concerned look on her face. Adrien waits for Hixx to stand up and hits another dropkick. He rolls to his feet and grabs her arm. Pulling her with him, he backs up to the neutral corner. He climbs to the middle rope with her arm still held and tries for a rope walk dropkick. As he walks however, Latoya springs up to the middle rope and backflips, sending him to the mat with a super arm drag. She grasps his hand, does a front flip, and lands in a painful finger snap hold. All four fingers on the left hand are bent back, as is the wrist. Adrien yelps in pain and surprise.
Hawke: Well that is an innovative way to cause someone pain.
Randy: Tabitha calls that foreplay.
Hawke: *cocks an eyebrow at Randy* Really âŠ
Randy: My friends are weird bro. *He drinks from a golden chalice full of Bud Light Lime*
Adrien reaches with his other hand to try and break the hold but Hixx uses her body to block him. She transitions the hold into an arm breaker. Adrien wiggles his way to the ropes and lands a foot on them. The ref breaks the hold. Cochrane recoils his left arm in pain and pulls up on the ropes to stand. He shakes out the left arm as Hixx taunts at him. She charges him, scouts the dropkick, side steps it and then leaps off the ropes with a double knee drop to the spine as Adrien lands. Adrien reaches out for Florida Man but he is currently in an argument with Randy Angel over something.
Hawke: STOP RUINING THE MATCH!
Randy: He tried to steal my super sake! He canât even taste it through that mask!
Adrien shouts to Flo.
Florida Man: What? Oh yeah Iâm ok with you dealing with that crazy bitch! I Hashtag Believe in you best bro!
Adrienâs head droops. He slowly pushes up on the ropes as Hixx rains down stomps on him. He catches a foot and torques her into a dragon screw. Using this moment, Adrien pulls to his feet and holds his back for a second. He prepares himself as the Blueprint comes to her feet. Collar and elbow tie up sees the two bounce around the ring, jockeying for supremacy. They finally end up in the middle of the ring. Adrien manages to free himself and hit a vertical suplex. He swivels his hips and rolls through for a second pick up. He plants Latoya with a falcon arrow. He holds a pin.
ONE! Kickout.
Adrien backs up and beckons for Hixx to stand but feels a slap on his back. The essence of Florida leaps over the top rope, gets his feet caught and faceplants onto Adrienâs back, rolls forward off of Adrien using the momentum to get a surge at Hixx, and finally hits her as she stands with a Rear View, complete with tail smacking her. Adrien just looks in in shock, awe, and horror. The ref gently nudges Cochrane to leave the ring. The state of Florida hooks the downed Hixx by the neck and begins the gator death roll! He would have a shot to really damage her if he hadnât drunkenly rolled back to his own corner and tripped Adrien off the apron. Cochrane lands on the floor on his feet and turns to catch Florida as he rolls out of the ring. Flo looks up at his savior.
Florida Man: My hero! *smooch on the cheek*
Hawke: Iâm sure that would have been more sincere without the big lizard mask.
Randy: You donât get more sincere than drunk⊠*sips from a golden childâs sippy cup that says First in Thirst.*
Hawke: Where did you get that?
Randy: Stole it from Nell.
Hawke: It looks an awful lot like the Sip-
Randy: My brother is weird bro. *shotguns the entire sippy cup full of super sake*
Adrien gently places him on the apron and then walks to the opposite side of the steel steps and climbs to that apron. Flo climbs to the top rope ⊠gets afraid of heights ⊠climbs back down inside the ring, and gets rolled into a small package for his trouble.
ONE! Kickout with authority.
Full of drunken rage at having been taken advantage of from behind, Flo unleashes a volley of drunken haymakers and kicks, using those square and triangle buttons liberally. Hixx manages to dodge a few, deflect some more, and mitigate the damage of some more. Still two or three find their mark. She cannot avoid the lizard snout enhanced headbutt ringing her bell. He pins.
ONE! Shoulder off the mat.
Hawke: I donât even understand what is going on here.
Randy: Youâre about three shots of 151 away from that level of transcendental understanding Joey. *Takes a big brain sip of a Corona he likely got from Kanyon*
Flo picks her up off the mat and whips her off the ropes. On the return he hits a big clothesline ⊠with the tail on his outfit. Hixx goes down but holds the tail. She pulls on it sending him stumbling, then swings him into his own corner. Adrien tags himself in and leaps over the ropes onto the shoulders of Florida Man before coming down with a big missile dropkick to the Blueprint. She rolls backwards and then dives to her own corner and tags in Danni Anderson.
Randy: Ok time to see what the Ritalin Kid can do!
Hawke: Oddly, Adrien seems to be telling her to come on and bring it.
Adrien indeed is telling his stablemate to meet him in the ring. She steps into the ring and grapples the much larger Cochrane. She quickly slips his grasp and kicks him in the thigh before dodging behind him and kicking the back of his right knee. Adrien drops to his knees. She then grabs the left arm, torques the wrist, and then front flips to the mat sending Adrien face first to the ground holding his shoulder. She hand stands on his elbow and drops both knees onto that forearm. A Quick roll up later andâŠ
ONE! Kickout by Adrien.
Danni wastes little time in sprinting off the ropes and hitting a sliding dropkick to the ribs. Adrien rolls to the ropes and the Sweetheart Esper follows, leaping to the middle rope, up to the top and hitting a moonsault. Adrien rolls under the bottom rope to the apron. Danni tries to grab him but the ref pushes her back. This accidentally allows Latoya to stomp on the left arm of the downed Guardian.
Hawke: Cheap shot by Latoya.
Randy: Itâs all about winning Hawke.
Adrien pulls to his feet. The Pink Sugarplum Fairy sprints at the neutral corner and springs to the top. She leaps off and catches Adrien with a hurricanrana right back into the ring! She runs towards the opposing ropes while the ref checks on Adrien and his left shoulder. As Danni hits the ropes she crumples in a heap as Florida Man has clobbered her with a shot to the spine ⊠with a fried chicken drumstick. Adrien doesnât notice this but stands up to see Danni on her feet yelling at Flo. Adrien reminds her to focus and spins her around, a huge dropkick follows. Anderson crashes into the enemy corner, where Flo again tries to interfere. He hooks the tag rope around her throat but the ref stops him. He puts his arms up in innocence as Hixx yells from her corner. Adrien pulls Danni from the corner with a snap DDT.
ONE! TWO! Foot on the ropes.
Hawke: Close Call for Danni there.
Randy: Hmm ⊠*sips from a fancy tiny tea cup, complete with pinky in the air, slurping his wine as loud as humanly possible.*
Adrien commends her spirit. He then lifts her to her feet and whips her off the ropes. She dodges a clothesline, on the return Adrien leap frogs her. She continues off the ropes and slides between his legs this time. She trips him from behind then leaps over him with a front flip into a cutter to the mat! Adrien holds his nose. She climbs the ropes and comes off with a front flip kick off the top! Adrien crumples to the mat.
Randy: CRACK SHOOT! She nailed him!
She pins. One! Two! Kickout by Adrien.
Hixx pounds on the turnbuckle for her teammate. Danni is feeling it and hooks that left arm again. She torques it with an arm wrench before placing it on the mat then stomping on the elbow. Adrien sits up in agony. She sprints off the ropes and hits a devastating sliding dropkick to the chest. Adrien rolls through from the momentum and ends up on his hands and knees. She comes at him looking for the spinning knee strike but Adrien catches the knee and hoists her onto his shoulders! Looking for the Dream Breaker, he tosses her up, but she manages to wriggle out and land behind him on her feet. She runs with him into the corner. Florida Man makes a blind tag that nobody but the ref sees. Danni rolls him back with an OâConnor Roll, and comes through with a German Suplex! She bridges ⊠⊠nothing. The ref shakes his head. Danni is confused and asks what is going on. Meanwhile Flo has circled the ring and is now standing behind Latoya on the apron. He slides under her and pulls her off the apron with a MONSTROUS powerbomb onto the steel steps!
Hawke: OH MY GOD! What is he doing? Why did he do that to the illegal fighter!?
Randy: Why does Florida do anything it does?
Flo looks up to see Danni shout at him. She sprints to the ropes and leaps over! He slides into the ring, Danni somehow lands on her feet from her suicide dive. She slides in behind and chases him. Flo manages to catch Adrien as he stands up and literally throws his partner like a weapon into Danni as she charges.
Florida Man: I got this but uh ⊠little help best bro!
Both fighters fall to the mat. The ref is trying to get control. He goes to check on Latoya, who is writhing in pain on the steel steps. Flo meanwhile pulls Adrien to his feet. Adrien yells at him but Flo just shrugs. He pushes Adrien out of the way and clobbers Danni as she charges him with the Darwin Award! Danni is down and out from that.
Florida Man: HASHTAG BELIEVE IN FLORIDA!
Adrien begins to argue with him but Flo is confused. He tries to talk sense into Adrien but Adrien shoves him. The ref turns to see Florida Manâs tail get caught on the mat. He steps on it and falls backwards. In his rolling he manages to somehow knot up Danniâs legs in his tail and land in a pin. She canât move.
ONE! TWO! THREE!
DING DING!
Adrien facepalms again and shakes his head. Flo gets separated from Danni and celebrates by leaping onto Adrienâs back. Medics come to check on both women.
Bonnie Jenkins: Your winners and advancing in the tournament ⊠The Florida Man and Adrien Cochrane ⊠the WATCHABLE GUARDIANS!
Hawke: ⊠There isnât enough time in the year to explain to me what just happened.
Randy: Murphyâs Law. The most powerful weapon of the Florida Man! *He eats a bunch of boozie gummies*
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Bonnie Jenkins: And is the third qualifying match for the XHF X*Crown Championship match at Night of Champions! Introducing first, representing SCCW! He stands at SIX FEET TWO INCHES TALL and weighed in tonight at TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE POUNDS! He is the current SCCW High Roller Champion. THE HEAVY! RIIIIIIIIIIICKEY! TREESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSLERRRRRRRRR!
"Antagonist" by Nova Twins began to blare and a simple line of spotlights form a path from the back to the ring. Rickey Tressler makes a quick jog across the roller rink to the ring proper and climbs in.
Hawke: Randy, you're much more familiar with SCCW, having wrestled for its predecessor Master Class Championship Wrestler before their untimely demise earlier last year. What does the environment of that company do to give guys like Rickey an advantage in these global affairs?
Randy: When I was in MCCW, it was a cutthroat environment! Either you were grabbing opportunities by the throat and excelling or you didn't get shit. Rickey's one of those guys who joined the company in February, and it took just four months to snag the High Roller Championship! Just four! Alan Galloway, he's been with the company for three years and he's not once taken grasp of anything! That's what separates Rickey from a lot of the roster, he's not afraid to take what he wants when he wants. Regardless of his performance here I predict he'll be World Champion before the end of the year!
The opening of the TuPacâs âTo Live and Die in LAâ hits the pa system and El Combatiente follows his manager Javier out into the arena. Just like for Tressler there is a line of spotlights that guide them to the ring. The two slowly walk to ringside and El Combatiente climbs into the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, representing the BANG! Bros! Coming in at FIVE FEET NINE INCHES TALL and weighing in this evening at TWO HUNDRED AND NINETEEN POUNDS. ELLLLLLLLL COMBAAAAAAAAAATIENTEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Randy: Now let me ask you Hawke! Combatiente has two matches to look forward to tonight, this and his Cruiserfest first-round match later tonight! What do you think his strategy could be going into this match?
Hawke: If I were El Combatiente, as talented as I may be, I would be getting this done as quick as possible. Exert the least required energy. You don't know when your next match is. He could walk through the curtain and have to come right back out fifteen minutes later! You want to have as much energy going into the second match and that means getting through match one ASAP!
The ref confers with both men and makes sure they understand the rules and such before he calls for the bell!
Night of Champions Qualifier
Singles Match
El Combatiente (BANG!) vs Rickey Tressler (SCCW)
DING-DING!
Tressler and Combatiente circle each other in the ring, taking swipes at each other before they engage in a collar-and-elbow tie-up! Rickey pushes El Combatiente around the ring, before pulling him in for a mat slam! Showing off his strength prowess! He flexes while kneeling next to EC before picking him up by the back of the neck and Irish whipping him into the ropes! El Combatiente ducks under the clothesline attempt, hitting the opposite ropes before running back and ducking under an elbow from Tressler! EC hits the ropes once more and nails a dropkick that only staggers Rickey! EC gets up and runs the ropes again, this time trying a running splash but he gets caught by Tressler who plants him again with a falling power slam! Rickey rolls EC onto his stomach and deadlifts him off the ground, dangling him up in the air before lowering him a smidgen and flattening him with a bridging German suplex! The ref slides in but El Combatiente isnât ready to give the current SCCW High Roller Champion the satisfaction of even a one-count! Rickey pounds the mat in frustration as EC rolls away.
Randy: El Combatiente is a former World Champion, itâs going to make more than a few slams and a suplex to put him away!
Hawke: Perhaps a banana peel would do the trick.
Randy: *gasp* Donât let him hear that! Itâs a sensitive subject.
Rickey drives a few hard punches into the masked head of El Combatiente before he runs the ropes himself for a big splash of his own! But EC is quick to roll out of the way, letting Tressler taste the mat! EC stomps on Rickeyâs back a few times before he drops an elbow on the back of his head! EC starts to get fired up as he picks Rickey up and whips him into a corner! But Rickey grounds himself, he whips EC into the opposite corner and steamrolls that corner! Combatiente rolls underneath whatever Rickey was doing, letting him plant himself into the corner before EC spins him around! El Combatiente fires off some machine gun chops, lighting up the chest of Tressler who laughs through the pain and begs for more. EC delivers some stiff chops and a tough enzuigiri across the side of the head of Tressler! Rickey falls to his knees and EC begins to stomp him into the corner and the referee begins to count him out! One, two, three, four, EC steps back and lets Rickey breathe! This is a side of EC we havenât seen, one whoâs determined to do whatever it takes to get the win! El Combatiente drags Tressler out from the corner, nailing a strong chop that knocks Rickey to the ground! He follows with a few stomps to the chest before making his way to the corner. El Combatiente climbs to the top rope and jumps off, nailing a double foot stomp for a pin of his own! One, KICK OUT! Rickey just has too much in the tank at the moment and EC is just counting the seconds down. Nothing can afford to be wasted, else he will end up slogging through his next match. EC picks up the pace with a few more speedy stomps before getting up. He drags Tressler into the corner and tries a cannonball senton! No! Tressler stands up and catches EC, he lifts EC all the way up into a powerbomb position and plants him down in the middle of the ring! Rickey cracks his neck as he pins El Combatiente! One, two, kick out!
Hawke: This is what I was talking about earlier. The longer this match goes on, the more it favors Tressler. Heâs known for his second, third, and fourth winds and, not to say El Combatiente doesnât have similar resiliency, but he has another match and to battle with Rickey for upwards of thirty minutes as Tressler keeps getting wind after wind is only going to wear him out more for his Cruiserfest match!
Randy: And his partner may not be so willing to carry him through a match while heâs gassed!
Rickey picks up El Combatiente and lifts him up, hanging him out to dry over the top rope. Rickey picks up steam running at EC! CRACK! High knee from the SCCW High Roller Champion! EC is sitting on the apron, shaking the cobwebs but Tressler grabs him by the head and lifts him up and over! No, heâs taken a lesson from PRICE during the 4th of July Kanyon BBQ! Left-handed stunner! Tressler is now hung over the top rope, dangling as he holds his throat! EC nails a scissor kick onto Tressler, knocking him out of the ring! The ref begins to count as Rickey slowly gets to his feet, only for EC to jump onto his shoulders and sling him into the steps with a hurricanrana! CRASH! Rickey sends the steps flying as he is blasted into them and blood begins to drip from his forehead. EC sits on the barricade around the ring, hanging out with fans and taking selfies. When Rickey stirs again, EC gets to his feet balancing on the barricade before jumping off! Rickey catches him though, he turns and spikes EC spine first into the ring post! Then throws him into the barricade!
Hawke: Oof!
Randy: Did you see the impact on that? Did you see the ring shake as El Combatiente made contact with that post?
Rickey steps over and rolls into the ring, sitting up before rolling up. He wonât take a count-out win, he prefers to keep those wins legit. Rickey grabs El Combatiente and rolls him into the ring, following him in and pinning him down to the mat! One! Two! Kick out! Not quite yet! EC is panting but not quite ready to give in yet! A few stiff strikes to the skull might change his mind? One, kick out! No! That actually made EC want to give up less! El Combatiente begins to sit up and get into the striking game with Rickey Tressler, is that really a smart idea? Probably not. Is he doing it? Sure, why not? Combatiente seems to win the striking contest and nails a few big punches before setting up for something. He gets to his feet and nails some lethal kicks, rocking Rickey straight outta his shoes! A big boot sends Rickey to the mat before El Combatiente lifts Rickey back up! Grabbing him by the neck over his shoulder and running together to the corner! Sliced Bread! EC lands on his knees and slides forward, grabbing both of Tresslerâs legs and rolling him up! One, two, kick out! So close!
Randy: I thought for sure my J-ROK bro had it there!
Hawke: I did too, Randy. That was a close call for Rickey.
Rickey tries to push up but EC stamps him down. He lifts Rickey off the mat and lifts him up! Going for the Street Justice! But Rickey drives his knee down into ECâs cranium, he lands on the mat and nails a bicycle knee to ECâs jaw! EC stumbles back, holding onto the ropes and shaking the webs. Rickey runs up, grabs the head of Combatiente, and suplexes him by the neck across the ring! EC thumps on the mat like a sack of bricks, barely able to process whatâs going on. Rickey stalks over him with a sadistic look in his eye, grabbing EC by the wrist and tossing him onto his shoulders. EC nails a few elbows and pushes off of Tresslerâs shoulders, jumping onto the top rope while Tressler is distracted. Tressler turns around, MISSLE DROPKICK! NO! RICKEY CATCHES HIM IN MID-AIR, A LOOK OF GLEE ON HIS FACE! HE CATCHES EC AND BOOM! RUNNING POWERSLAM! THE RING SHAKES AS EL COMBATIENTE IS PLANTED IN THE RING! GOOD GOD, WHAT AN IMPACT!
Randy: Jesus christ! I think I heard some of the boards crack under the pressure of that slam!
Hawke: One of the most impactful moves in the industry! Not quite the move that he used to beat Kenneth Casper for the High Roller Championship but a tough one nonetheless!
Randy: *spits his drink* Shit I remember that guy! Did he win something for once? Good for him.
Tressler though, heâs not done. Most people would be pinned and thatâd be it. But he knows El Combatiente is tougher than some of the guys heâs fought in SCCW. He knows for this big match, heâs gotta pull out the big guns. He stuffs EC under his junk and then lifts him up, lifts him even higher! JAAAACKNIFE POWERBOMB! THE ENTIRE ARENA SHOOK WHEN HE GOT PLANTED THERE! BUT EC IS ROLLED THROUGH, HEâS LIFTED BACK UP! SPLASH MOUNTAIN BOMB! HIGH PERCENTAGE OF DEATH! THE KIIIIIIIING GHIDOOOOOOOORAH BOOOOOOOOMB! RICKEY TRESSLER HOOKS HIS LEGS OVER ECâS SHOULDERS AND THE ENTIRE ARENA COUNTS TOGETHER. ONE, TWO, THREE!
DING-DING!
Randy: He did it! The Alt-Feds Strike Back!
Hawke: Rickey Tressler has just punched his ticket to Night of Champions 13!
âAntagonistâ by Nova Twins once again blares through the speakers as Bonnie Jenkins makes the call.
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of the match and going on to the Night of Champions main eventâŠRickey Tressler!
Hawke: What a win for that manâs young career! But his win marks an important benchmark! He is the first person to represent MCCW or SCCW in a non-Rumble X*Crown Match since Death Trap walked into Night of Champions 11 as the X*Crown Champion! He could be the first person to bring the title to SCCW in over two years!
Randy: Enough with the stupid facts you nerd! Let the man enjoy his celebration in peace! He earned this victory, and people will hear his name and Drink Super Sake - Responsibly! - in his honor!
Rickey Tressler celebrates in the ring, on the second turnbuckle, and posing for the crowd while Javier helps El Combatiente to the back.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Bonnie Jenkins: And is the fourth qualifying match for the XHF X*Crown Championship match at Night of Champions! Introducing first, representing IPW! He stands at FIVE FEET TEN INCHES TALL! And he weighed in this evening at ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY POUNDS! "Big Sexual," "Big Nasty," "Jimbo Slice" JIIIIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLDOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!
The boos begin the second the guitar hits on "Gratitude" by the Beastie Boys. Alastor Touchdown comes with Jimi Cooldown from the back. The pair cross the skating rink then part ways as Jimi gets in the ring and Alastor makes his way to the commentary booth.
Touchdown: Gentlemen it is an honor to be out here calling the MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING with you guys!
Randy: Uh, are you drunk? This is only the sixth match! There are five more to go!
Touchdown: Hey, take it up with the brass. The Uncs. They booked the main event in the middle of the show. FUCK UNC!
Hawke: Oh brother.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, representing the BANG! Bros! He stands at FIVE FEET SEVEN INCHES TALL! And weighing in at TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY POUNDS! "The Real F'N Deal," "The King of Xtreme," "The Sexiest President since Jimmy Carter," CUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRTIS KAAAAAAAAAAANYOOOOOOOOON!
"Don't Tread on Me" by Metallica blares over the P.A. Former President Curtis D. Kanyon emerges from the curtain when the cymbal crashes at the 30 second mark. He's got a sledgehammer slung over one shoulder and his Fireside tag team title over the other. Curtis pounds his chest with his fist then raises the hammer in the air. He then walks to the ring and gets in.
Touchdown: BOOOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOO! FAT ASS! FAT ASS!
Randy: The, uh. Jamrockers with a not-so-fond opinion of Curtis Kanyon. Who'd have thunk?
Hawke: Jimi Cooldown has felt immensely disrespected by Kanyon since the card dropped, and both these guys are ready to kick it into high gear to beat some respect into each other.
Touchdown: *yelling at a fan* JAM ROCK CITY BITCH!
Night of Champions Qualifier
Singles Match
Curtis Kanyon (BANG!) vs Jimi Cooldown (IPW)
DING-DING!
The match starts with Kanyon and Jimi having a bit of a staredown. Jimi is looking down on Kanyon - I guess I never noticed Kanyon is short AND stout. Kanyon shouts and punches Jimi in the face, and Jimi fires back with a left of his own! Kanyon with a right! Jimi with a right! Kanyon! Jimi! Kanyon! Jimi! Back and forth they trade blows, battering each other for control! Jimi blocks a haymaker from Kanyon, stomps on his foot, and Irish whips him across the ring! Kanyon hits the ropes and eats a dropkick on the rebound! Jimi kips up and does that leaning flex, Young Bucks kind of pose!
Touchdown: SUCH GOOD SHIT!
Jimi turns around and hits that double leg drop across Kanyonâs torso! He rolls so heâs crotch to face with Kanyon and begins⊠well, doing sexual things to Kanyonâs face. Every Network Adminâs wet dream. Kanyon shoves him off, shouting angrily at Jimi while Jimi grins and kicks dirt in his face. Kanyon rushes to his feet and shoves Jimi back into a corner. Jimi laughs at him and slides a few crotch chops his way, a little treat for later.
Touchdown: The raw, sexual tension between these guys is THICCC!
Randy: You could say that.
Hawke: I wish he didnât.
Jimi runs at Kanyon but is swatted away with a big tree trunk arm! Kanyon tackles Jimi to the ground and begins to batter him with overhead strikes, blugeoning the JAM ROCKER! Jimi takes all that punishment and smirks. Kanyon lifts Jimi and whips him into the corner, crushing him with a Scorpion Splash! A few fast strikes to the gut of Jimi follow before Kanyon lifts him onto the top rope, following him to the top! Something big, something early! But Jimi fights out of it, he smashes his fist into Kanyonâs skull and Kanyon stumbles down to the mat! Jimi collects himself and jumps off the top rope, we high flyinâ tonight! But Kanyon catches him and plants him with a power slam onto the mat! Kanyon makes the cover! One, two, kick out!
Randy: Sheesh, that was a close one eh Al?
Touchdown: Jimiâs got it. Jimi knows what heâs doing. *spits in Randyâs drink when heâs not looking*
Hawke: Um, both these guys putting on a tough match! But neitherâs spirit is willing to break!
Randy: Well yeah, because they havenât tried to drink Super Sake - Responsibly! Drinking Super Sake will break them quickly!
Hawke: I donât think they want to break quickly, Randy.
Touchdown: Yeah, dumbass! Youâre as bad as Unc!
Randy: Who?
Hawke: Jason Long.
Touchdown: FUCK UNC!
Jimi pushes his way off the mat and begins to batter Kanyon with rights! Kanyon responds with rights of his own! Another dual of the fates! Jimi! Kanyon! Jimi! Kanyon! Jimi! Jimi! Jimi! Jimi ducks low and nails a suspiciously placed punch close to the nether regions of Kanyon! But the ref didnât see it so he canât call a DQ! Kanyon folds over, but then he drives his head into the stomach of Jimi and brings him down to his level. He grabs Jimi by the back of the neck and headbutts the ever-lovin' hell out of him! Again and again! Until Jimi puts his hands around Kanyonâs neck and starts to shoot choke him out! Kanyonâs eyes bug out and Secret Service around the building prepares for the worst. The ref counts Jimi, one, two, three, four, JIMI LETS GO! Everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Jimi then shoves a thumb into the eye of Kanyon!
Touchdown: Yeah! The classics!
Hawke and Randy: *eye roll in sync*
Jimi then slinks away from Kanyon as he blindly tries to stumble around and find Jimi. Jimi shouts in one corner and Kanyon charges⊠BANG! KANYON NAILED THAT BANG! HE COVERS HIM! ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR⊠Five? Six? Kanyon actually looks and he BANG!âd the referee! Heâs out and Kanyon turns around to a SUPERKICK FROM ALASTOR TOUCHDOWN! How he got in the ring weâll never know. Jimi rolls Kanyon over and locks in a crossface chickenwing! WRESTLERâS COURT! Alastor starts running around, grabbing a mic and sliding in front of Kanyon!
Touchdown: TAP! TAAAAAAAAP! TAP!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kanyon screams in pain and Al spits on his face. That just enrages him but Alastor drops an elbow on the small of his back! A few crotch thrusts to Kanyonâs face get him madder as he powers out of the move! But Jimi low blows him! So despicable! Jimi picks Kanyon up for a piledriver and Cooldown delivers a billion super OP kicks to his face! But Kanyon squirms out of the move! He stumbles into his own corner, holding his face as the Jamrockers confer with each other. They decide to hit a little Superkick Party! BUT AS THEY REAR BACK FOR A DOUBLE SUPERKICK, KANYON CHARGES THEM AND SPEARS THEM BOTH OUT OF THEIR BOOTS! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG! Kanyon shoves Al out of the ring and hooks both of Jimiâs legs, but the ref is still recovering from the BANG! Kanyon drags him over and covers Jimi again, lifting the ref's hand and slamming it fast on the mat! ONE TWO THREE!
Randy: Wait a minute. Can Kanyon do that?
Hawke: He's the former president. He can do whatever he wants!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of the match and going on to the Night of Champions main eventâŠCurtis Kanyon!
Randy: For a second I was thinking Jimi had this all tied up.
Hawke: Iâm glad he lost. I donât wanna deal with his brother on commentary more than I have to.
Kanyon is celebrating in the ring, waving his hammer in the air as Jimi and Alastor go to the back, debating how to fuck up the next IPW show.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is scheduled for one fall and is a quarterfinal match in the Cruiserfest Fired Up tournament! The following teams have been assembled at random by having Bongo draw pictures of what he thinks the competitors look like and having Mongo point at random pictures to critique them, with each consecutive two pictures being a team!
Randy: What a fun way to randomize a tournament. *sips from a nip*
Hawke: Why couldnât they just use an internet randomizer ⊠or draw balls from a tumbler like the lottery?
Randy: Mongo was afraid someone would leak footage of him playing with balls. *coughMagnuscough*
Hawke: First the feet, now the balls.
As the opening chords of the KISS classic 'God of Thunder' fill the arena, there is blast of flames and then a small horde of children comes charging down the ramp on roller skates. They are of course, dressed as KISS with their faces painted as they begin to race chaotically around the rink built around the ring. Another blast of flames, and the black and silver clad figure of Sinclair Godfrey emerges to spread her arms wide. Her face is painted as the classic 'Catman' Peter Criss as she yells at the crowd.
Hawke: I guess Sinclair is not a real KISS fan, not even Peter Criss wants to be Peter Criss
Randy: She is trying to Criss Cross up her paramourâs opponents!
After a moment, Donzig storms form the back wearing the spiked shoulders of the Demon along with the bat-wing cloak as he lifts his arms wide to spread them. He glares from behind his mask, then pauses to pull the mask off. Beneath it he has his face painted on the right side with Gene Simmons 'Demon' look. And he scowls before he stomps towards the ring as the kids quickly race back up the ramp.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering the ring first, from Pittsburgh, PA ⊠He weighs in at 215 pounds ⊠The Scourge ⊠DONZIG!
Donzig rolls inside the ring as Sinclair, holding the mask, stands at the stairs watching him as he stalks back and forth.
Bonnie Jenkins: AND HIS PARTNER âŠ
"Motor City Madhouse" by Ted Nugent starts to play. That's all. Eventually some spotlights fall between the back and the ring and Jayson Matthews makes his way out. He seems a bit out of sorts after Donzig's big entrance and just makes his way across the roller rink to the ring.
Randy: Oh itâs Jayson Matthews!
Hawke: Still stuck with a brawler I see.
Bonnie Jenkins: From Detroit, Michigan weighing in at 191 pounds, The Mighty Sandwich ⊠JAYSON MATTHEWS! ⊠*she snickers* and together they are ⊠THE MOTOR MOUTH MAFIA!
Hawke: I wonder if itâs wise to let her make up the names like this âŠ
Randy: Are you gonna tell her no?
Hawke: No, I want Mongo to continue to employ me.
"To Live and Die in LA" by Tupac Shakur hits and El Combatiente walks from the back following the same string of lights that led Jayson Matthews before. As he does so, his manager Javier keeps checking him over and patting him down to make sure he's ok for this match.
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents, entering first â from Mexico City making his residence in Los Angeles, California â he weighs in tonight at 219 pounds. EL COMBATIENTE!
Randy: JROK REPRESENT!
Hawke: But who is his partner?
*âAinât No Rest For the Wickedâ by Cage the Elephant hits the speakers. Instead of a makeshift sandstorm, brown and yellow disco lights strobe around the entryway. Aiden Merric walks onto the roller rink ⊠with his roller skates tied together and draped over his neck like boxing gloves. He spits on the floor causing a skater to hit it and fall face first in front of him. He steps on the probable enhancement talent as he walks his way across the rink having no fun at all, in fact wearing a visible scowl of malice and hate. He points at Donzig in the ring and punches a skater who gets too close to him. Another skater skates in to clean up the nicotine gum spit, a fourth skater comes up to try and dance near Aiden ⊠and gets punched in the nose spraying blood everywhere. He storms to the ring punching skaters left and right.*
Hawke: Oh Mongo isnât going to like this âŠ
Randy: What did they expect from this guy?
*Aiden steps to the ring apron and slings his skates, which wrap around a skater that happens to be XHF backstage talent Funaki. Funaki goes down hard with the makeshift bola around his ankles.*
Bonnie Jenkins: And the partner, from Coober Pedy, South Australia â he weighs in tonight at 220 pounds. He is the Wonder from Down Under ⊠AIDEN âOUTBACKâ MERRIC!! and together they are ⊠THE PUNCHADORES!
Cruiserfest: Fired Up! Round 1
Tag-Team Match
Aiden Merric and El Combatiente vs Donzig and Jayson Matthews
Matthews leaps to the center of the ring and begins to juke around, beckoning to the other team. Donzig scowls and steps to the apron. Aiden Merric shrugs and steps to the apron. Combatiente holds out a fist and the two high fliers bump then circle each other. Jayson darts in for a quick kick to the thigh. EC retaliates with a chop to the chest. A quick arm drag from the masked fighter sends the Motor City Sandwich to the mat. A quick kip up and a hip toss from Matthews returns the favor to the former champ. The two quickly grapple and Matthews executes a standing headlock. EC shoves him off to the ropes and on the return locks in a sleeper. Jayson drops to the mat with a jawbreaker then rolls backwards into a pin.
ONE!
Kickout.
Combatiente rolls to his feet and swings a clothesline but Matthews ducks and hooks the arm then grabs the other and hits a backslide.
ONE!
Combatiente rolls back out of the pin and hits a seated dropkick to the face.
Randy: Man some quick pins on display from Matthews. He wants to end this quick and stay in Donzigâs good graces! *sips from a 50oz movie theater soda cup filled with super sake.*
Hawke: That assumes Donzig HAS good graces. Heâs dressed like Gene Simmons ⊠nothing graceful there.
Aiden is just glaring a hole through Donzigâs forehead from his corner. The Scourge is criticizing every movement Matthews does. The luchador picks up his foe and hits a flurry of forward and backhanded chops to the chest. Jayson holds his now crimson pecs and then unleashes a flurry of right hand haymakers to the former SWAT Champ. Javier pounds the ring apron outside trying to cheer on his client. Combatiente ducks a discus elbow strike and sprints off the ropes. He comes back with a head scissor take down. A quick spring to the middle rope and a springboard moonsault puts the mighty sandwich in a pinning predicament.
ONE!
Kickout.
Hawke: EC is showing a ton of heart after that earlier match tonight.
Randy: Well I mean Ricky never hurt him so itâs probably fine. *BURP*
Javier begins to coach his client as Sinclair Godfrey paces around the ring. Combatiente picks up Matthews and whips him to his corner and comes in with the stinger splash. As Jayson stumbles out, EC holds his hand for a tag. Aiden smirks and tags in. EC leaps to the middle rope and pulls Matthews back in by catching his shoulders in his own legs. Aiden steps into the ring and unloads with a flurry of knife edge chops to the throat. Donzig stomps on the apron in fury shouting for a tag, frothing at the mouth. Aiden pulls the Motor City man from the corner and whips him at Donzigâs corner, only to pull him back hard. JM slams chest first into the Punchadores corner. Aiden sends a huge haymaker to the back of the head. Another left hand connects to the jaw on the turning foe. As Matthews collapses into the enemy corner, Aiden again tags in EC.
Hawke: Aiden taunting Donzig and the team keeping the smaller Matthews isolated here.
Aiden pulls Matthews from the corner and into an inverted atomic drop. A shove sends Jayson back to a leaping luchadore as EC comes over the top with a frontflip into a stunner. Aiden turns to Donzig as Donzig is apoplectic at this insult to his own signature move. Aiden rolls out of the ring under the bottom rope. A pin.
ONE! Hand on the ropes.
Jayson still favoring his throat and catching his breath from the machine gun chops of the wonder from down under. Combatiente leaps with a standing double foot stomp to the chest. Immediately, he springs to the middle rope and comes off with a senton splash (coffin drop style). Matthews manages to hook the arms and roll him back.
ONE! EC rolls forward and tags Aiden.
Aiden pulls his partnerâs arm to free him and then EC pulls Aiden into the ring into a makeshift diving fist drop. Aiden seems impressed at his own agility and takes a second to admire his handiwork. Matthews seizes on this and forward rolls toward his corner. Aiden dives and catches his foot, halting the tag. He pulls Matthews back and mounts his back. He begins laying fists in on either side of the prone opponentâs head. He looks at Donzig the entire time and laughs. Donzig charges into the ring only to get stopped by the referee. He begins to shout and argue but this just allows Aiden to grind the face of Donzigâs partner with his wrist, wrist band soaked in deer musk. Javier claps in approval on the outside.
Randy: Hmmm, dirty tactics from Aiden. I donât know if Combatiente notices.
Hawke: Javier sure does. As does Sinclair Criss. Sheâd be much more menacing out there if she was dressed as Ace Frehley.
Randy: Iâd settle for Peter GriffinâŠ
Aiden releases his quarry and laughs. He decides to give his tired partner a break and begins to lay the boots to the spine of the master of the sandwich dojo. Aiden backs off as the ref admonishes him. Donzig is commanding Jayson to tag him in to handle this interloper. Aiden smirks and backs away. Matthews looks at him then pushes up. He reaches to tag but Donzig is not on the apron having been punched off by Aiden. Donzig slides into the ring, right into the ref as Aiden pulls Matthews to the center of the ring and pulls out his brass knucks. Heâs about to strike with the Stun Gun power of the superman punch when EC comes in and grabs the knucks. He begins to talk to Aiden asking him to win fairly. Aiden grabs the bridge of his nose and shrugs before pushing EC out of the way and eating a huge dropkick from The Mighty Sandwich! The ref spins and gets EC back to his corner and kicks away the knucks.
Randy: BAH! Did Kanyon teach you nothing EC? That was victory right there!
Hawke: Combatiente is a proud and honorable fighter, even tired he wants to win the right way.
Matthews begins raining punches down on Merric who finally manages to shove the smaller man away. He crawls to the ropes and pulls up ⊠right into a headbutt from Donzig. The ref yells at him but Donzig just holds his hands up on the tag rope and acts innocent. Matthews comes in and connects with a dropkick to the spine sending Outback into the friendly cornerâs second turnbuckle. Aiden grabs his nose in pain and rage. Matthews barrels in and hits a running knee to the gut.
Randy: BANANA SANDWICH!
Donzig blind tags his partner and steps through the ropes. Matthews pulls Aiden from the corner and holds him for a tiger suplex. Donzig barrels through him with a lariat sending Aiden into that very suplex hard. The Scourge cracks his knuckles and neck and begins to smile that empty smile as he shoos his partner away.
Hawke: A familiar foe for Donzig.
Randy: Do you know how little that narrows it down?
The War that Walks stalks his familiar foe. As the hunter gets to his hands and knees, Donzig stomps hard on the right hand, the very hand he crushed with a chair against the steel steps in Brazil. Aiden recoils in pain. Donzig kicks him hard in the chest then drops him with a sliding lariat. He mounts the contract killer and begins to choke him. The ref is about to yell at him when Aidenâs hands come up and grab the throat of Donzig. The ref is trying to get them to listen but he knows better than to double DQ them. Both men are oozing spittle and foul language but neither is giving an inch. Finally the ref gets them to break. Both men are slow to their feet and wipe their mouths on the back of their wrists.
Randy:They may hate each other JoeyâŠ
Hawke: *glancing at Randy and shaking his head* No [expletive deleted] Sherlock âŠ
Both men surge to the other and get nose to nose. Donzig lays in a right hand, Aiden lays one in himself. Donzig, Aiden, Donzig, Aiden. Donzig kicks Aiden in the gut. Aiden looks at him ⊠at his own leg ⊠back to Donzig. Donzig prepares to catch the kick! ⊠But gets punched in the nose. A curse lets loose from the mouth of the Scourge. Aiden begins to rain in punches like never before. Donzig gets backed into a neutral corner. He grabs Aiden and spins him into the corner and begins booting him in the midsection until he is sitting. He then backs off and charges with a face wash. A pin is initiated by pulling the Aussie by his feet from the corner and then diving on top with a forearm across the face.
ONE!
Kickout with authority.
Hawke: Donzig looking to bring the pain to his REIGN Rival, Aiden.
Randy: Yeah but Aiden is gonna put up more of a fight than that.
Merric uses the ropes to pull to his feet. Donzig hits a forearm shiver to the face but Aiden fires back with a hard right hand of his own. Merric ducks another shot and spins Donzig into the corner. The shoulder of the hunter goes right into the gut of the psychopath. Two, Three, Four shots into the corner before Aiden climbs to the middle rope and stands over Donzig. Punch, Punch, Punch, Four, Five, Six â fists fly for Merric. He stops only when Sinclair runs up to that ring post from the outside and jaws at him. Aiden yells at her to go away before Donzig slips out from under him and pulls his legs out. The jaw of the hunter crashes into the turnbuckle and he stumbles back into a back suplex. Donzig floats over and holds the mullet of the expert hunter and begins laying in elbow shots. Aiden dumps him off. Donzig hauls him to his feet and tries for the Stunner but Aiden scouts it and ducks away. Jayson Matthews is calling for a tag but Donzig turns and growls at him to stay out of it.
Randy: Well Donzig did say he wanted to take his partner to the finals.
Hawke: Yes but thereâs a point when you need to play the tournament to the rules set by the people in charge. Why shun your own partner?
The Scourge turns and gets an ear clap and a headbutt for his troubles, the bag and tag from Merric. Aiden grabs the beard of Donzig and pulls him into a European Uppercut. He hits another. And another. A whip off the ropes and on the return pops Donzig up with a Swiss Uppercut.
Randy: Tranquilizer from Aiden and Donzig is down.
Aiden pins.
One!
Two!
Roll of the shoulder.
Merric scowls at Donzig and mounts him while raining punches down on the face of the Scourge. El Combatiente is recovered pretty well on the apron and asking for a tag. Aiden however seems focused on revenge and begins slamming the back of Donzigâs head off the mat until the ref hits a four count. Donzig manages to kick him away and roll to his feet. He ducks the incoming clothesline from hell and hits the 25:17 Unprettier! He takes a minute to recover and rakes his beard. He pulls Aiden to his feet to berate him for thinking himself better than Donzig. Aiden on instinct grabs the arm and yanks Donzig into the Rainmaker!
Randy: HOLY BALLS! The Target Neutralized! Theyâre both down and out.
Hawke: Both partners are bouncing on the apron looking to get into the match. Neither man is moving.
Aiden begins to slowly push to his hands and knees. He crawls a bit to his corner but stops. He sees Donzig trying to stand. Donzig actively turns away from his partner. Aiden looks at EC and holds up one finger telling him to hold on. He smirks. Both men use the ropes to get to their feet. The ref stops his count at nine. Aiden turns and moves towards his rival. Donzig stumbles to Aiden on jelly legs. Aiden punches him in the face. Donzig shakes it off. He grabs for the 25:17 but Aiden shoves him off the ropes. On the return Donzig ducks the Contract Fulfilled. Aiden turns and boot to the gut. Donzig tries the stunner but Aiden again has it scouted. He shoves Donzig back into his corner and Matthews blind tags in. Aiden looks to EC and nods. Donzig barrels in at him and Aiden grapples him, backs to his own corner where EC tags himself in. Aiden then hooks the super aggro Donzig and belly to belly suplexes him to the floor!
Hawke: What an exchange. Aiden seems to actually be using Donzigâs own aggression against him. I donât think Donzig knows neither of them are legal.
Randy: Yeah but I donât think Matthews saw the tag to Combatiente! How compelling *he gulps down a jello shot.*
Matthews comes from behind and clotheslines Aiden over the ropes as well. Aiden hits the floor and the Mighty Sandwich sprints off the ropes. On the return he looks for a tope suicida but is intercepted by El Combatiente who blindsides him with a springboard cave in foot stomp. Matthews holds his chest in agony. As EC climbs the ropes, Javier cheers him on. On the outside Aiden has Donzig to his feet and begins brawling with him. Both men are just throwing haymakers left and right and moving up the ramp. EC comes off the top with the 630 senton and pins!
ONE! TWO! THRE- Matthews JUST rolls the shoulder.
Hawke: How did he kick out of that?
Randy: Instinct.
Combatiente canât believe it. He is tired from two matches and wants to walk out of here with the win. He moves in to Jayson who catches him with the small package!
One!
Two!
Kick out!
EC rolls to his feet and gets the school boy!
One! Two! EC again kicks out.
Jayson slowly rolls to his feet and rolls up EC with La Magistral!
One! Two! Hand on the ropes.
Hawke: EC wonât be taken by surprise here.
Matthews manages to clothesline the luchador down. He looks at the ropes and nods. He sees his partner is nowhere to be found and shakes his head. He climbs up top. He Leaps! EC rolls forward and into the corner as Matthews lands with a roll and comes up to his feet. He turns and gets kicked in the gut and hooked. Vertebreaker connects!
Randy: Street Justice! This has to be it!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING DING DING
Bonnie Jenkins: Here are your winners and advancing to the next round at Night of Champions ⊠Aiden Merric and El Combatiente ⊠LOS PUNCHADORES!
Hawke: Combatiente did it! He and Aiden will move on to the next round!
Randy: Aiden is on his way to the ring! Donzig is standing on the stage in disbelief. He was tricked!
Aiden slides in and pats EC on the back and they raise each othersâ hands as Javier celebrates next to them.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, the winner of this contest will go on to Night of Champions and vie for the X*Crown championship in the main event. Featuring first, the challenger.....representing the BANG! Bros, Charlie Velez!
All the lights in the arena are shut off except for a set of spotlights leading from the back to the ring. Coheed and Cambria's "No World For Tomorrow" plays as Charlie Velez makes his way across the roller rink to the ring in the center.
Hawke: I thought that wrestlers were to come down with unique entrances?
Randy: Maybe he didnât get the memo?
Hawke: Thatâs probably it.
Randy: Yeah.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, representing Wrestle: UK, THE Frank Windsor!
Likewise, âNever Fade Awayâ by Samurai hits as the spotlights turn to different colors of the rainbow. Out comes Frank Windsor in a leopard fur coat with a hood. Windsor exhales slowly as he looks at his opponent, adjusts his cast, and makes is way across the rink and into the ring.
Hawke: This isnât much of a custom entrance either.
Randy: Well, you know, Frank is sporting his cast on his arm from what Havok did to him.
Hawke: How is that a custom entrance attire?
Randy: Ok, well what about the colors?
Hawke: I think it's safe to say that Frank is taking this match too seriously to go too disco.
Randy: Yeah he certainly has been pretty angry coming into this.
Night of Champions Qualifier
Singles Match
Charlie Velez (BANG!) vs Frank Windsor (WUK)
As the bell rings, Frank and Charlie rush at one another. Charlie takes Frank down with an arm drag. Frank hops back up to his feet and goes to the ropes. He comes back at Charlie, only to be taken down with another arm drag. Frank bounces right back to his feet again and bounces off the ropes. This time, he stops in his tracks while Charlie reaches for another arm drag. In a vulnerable position, Frank levels him with a punch.
Hawke: An auspicious start for Windsor!
Randy: Yeah, but this is all just starting and he's got a broken wing!
Charlie jumps back to his feet, but takes another punch to the side of the head that staggers him backwards a few feet. Frank steps up to the plate, hitting several European uppercuts before dragging Charlie down to the mat with a one armed bulldog.
Hawke: Frank on the offensive here.
Randy: Charlie is a legend. Iâm sure he will fight back.
As if on cue, Frank pulls Charlie up and is grabbed and thrown into the ropes. On the rebound, Frank is grabbed and hit with a high angle sidewalk slam. Charlie goes for the cover!
One
Two
T-Frank kicks out.
Charlie jumps up and aims several stiff kicks to the body, slipping a solid kick to the cast that cracks it. Frank yelps in pain, rolling away from Charlie and to his feet. He clutches at his cast for a hot minute while glaring at Charlie like he done struck him in the nuts.
Randy: YOW! Is that even fair?
Hawke: All's fair in disco and wrestling.
Charlie shrugs and drop kicks him in the face, sending him right back to the mat. Frank rolls back to his feet and spears Charlie to the mat. Frank gets a hand around Charlieâs throat to choke him and hits him with headbutt after headbutt.
Randy: Look I'm pretty skilled at seeing double, but that meany headbutss are gonna make the man cross-eyed!
Hawke: Frank is doing what he can considering he's down an arm.
The referee begins a five count and by the time he gets to four and a half, Frank lets up and steps back to admire his handiwork. Charlie is bleeding heavily from the nose and a gash over his right eye from all of the headbutts.
Hawke: Wow. No effs given from Frank Windsor.
Randy: He doesnât care that Charlie is supposed to be a legend in this sport.
Hawke: I guess not.
Randy: Heâs just going to kick ass.
Frank goes to the ropes as Charlie is slow to get up and hits a flying forearm strike with the cast. Frank yelps in pain as he goes for the pinfall.
One
Two
Three!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of the match and going on to the Night of Champions main eventâŠFrank Windsor!
Hawke: He cheated! He used the cast!
Randy: Itâs entirely probable that heâs going to need to get that cast redone and if heâs lucky, he wonât need to get the bone reset. It really wasnât a wise move, but it worked.
Hawke: So insightful. It was still an illegal object.
Randy: The ref allowed him to wrestle with it. I mean, it wasnât as if Frank could have taken the cast off before the match.
Hawke: I suppose youâre right.
Randy: Of course I am.
Frank Windsor celebrates his victory in the ring while Charlie Velez slinks out of the ring and heads to the back.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following match is scheduled for one fall and is a quarterfinal match in the Cruiserfest Fired Up tournament! The following teams have been assembled at random by having Bongo draw pictures of what he thinks the competitors look like and having Mongo point at random pictures to critique them, with each consecutive two pictures being a team!
The slow beginning to "Styles Clash" by Yonosuke Kitamura plays through the P.A. System in the arena as the house lights flash down into a focused path from the back to the ring. Soon James Raymond walks the path and gets to the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first⊠wrestling out of Coventry City, England though residing in Shibuya City, Japan and weighing in tonight at one hundred and eighty-seven pounds⊠THE BROKEN CROWN... JAMES RAAAAAYYYYMOOONNNDDDDDD! And his partner......
"Richard Allen George...No, Itâs Just Cheez" by Less Than Jake plays as out from the back looking a little unsure of himself comes...Goofy? Specifically it appears to be Disco Goofy from An Extreme Goofy Movie. Except it's Cheez's music so it's probably Cheez. He makes his way to the ring, knocking his Goofy head off while climbing in. James Raymond is not looking very confident.
Randy: Interesting, it's almost like he planned an intro but them something fell through and all he was left with was the costume.
Hawke: James Raymond does not look happy about what the RNG has chosen for him.
Bonnie Jenkins: ....hailing from Madison, WI! He is the YouTube sensation, gamer by day and wrestler by night the incomparable....CHEEEEEEZ! Together they are NEW AGED CHEDDAR!
Randy: Bonnie deserves a raise for thinking of these on the fly.
Hawke: She deserves something, that's for sure.
The lights dim as a spotlight shines on the hanger doors. The wacky trumpets and vibey vocals begin as the doors slowly slide open and through them on very shaky legs skates Dylan Black.
Oh, that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way, uh-huh uh-huh,
I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Dylan is absolutely not accustomed to, nor wants to be roller skating at this moment. One has to wonder if Mongo is forcing these entrances or threatening to job your favorite stars. His personal advisor and announcer, Antonio KatĆ, is already in the ring shaking his head at this travesty.
Antonio KatĆ: And their opponents, first! FIGHTING! Out of Hokkaido Prefecture, Hokkaido, Japan! He stands at SIX FEET, THREE INCHES TALL! AND HE WEIGHED IN TONIGHT AT A SLIM TWO HUNDRED AND THREE POUNDS, LIGHT ENOUGH TO KICK ALL THE JUNIOR ASSES IN FRONT OF HIM BUT HEAVY ENOUGH WITH ALL HIS CYBERNETIC ENHANCEMENTS THAT HE WILL CERTAINLY DESTROY YOU ALL! THE STRIFE KILLER! THE WAR SURVIVOR! THE J-ROK VISUAL KAI CHAMPION AND YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS HE'LL BE YOUR NEXT XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... DYLAN BLACK!
When you take me by the hand,
Tell me I'm your loving man,
When you give me all your love,
And do it the very best you can,
Tell me I'm your loving man,
When you give me all your love,
And do it the very best you can,
Dylan Black trips over a crack in the floor and stumbles forwards ten, twenty feet towards the ring. He puts his arm down and does a cartwheel, landing both feet on the apron. He tries to stick his feet under the ropes and pull himself up but he fails and falls on his ass on the outside. He detaches the skate add-ons from his boots and hops up on the apron, cracking his neck as he does that generic disco point. He steps through the ropes and waves his hand in the air, creating a lightning spark! Bonnie Jenkins shoos Antonio out of the ring, a rare sight if you've ever seen J-ROK.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his partner....
The lights go back down and a simple line of spotlights make a path from the back to the ring. Nine Inch Nails' "Wish" plays as null slowly walks across the rink on his way to the ring. For once the lack of glitz makes sense as all things seem to turn to null.
Bonnie Jenkins: ...hailing from the Rust Belt and weighing in at pretty average high and weight.....NUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Together they are TEAM BLACK HOLE!
Hawke: This is an interesting pairing.
Randy: Theyâre all interesting if youâve had enough Super Sake. Now available in creamsicle!
Hawke: As I was saying neither set of teammates have had any history but Dylan and James have a lot of history from AXW.
Randy: And J-Rok!
Cruiserfest: Fired Up! Round 1
Tag-Team Match
James Raymond and Cheez vs Dylan Black and null
Dylan starts the match as the senior competitor for his team. James Raymond steps out of the ring and Cheez begs him to start instead but James waves him off. Cheez reluctantly turns towards his opponent, Dylan, who is laughing at his diminutive opponent. Dylan mockingly lifts his hand high for a test of strength. Cheez jumps but cannot reach the two-time X*Crown champs hand. Dylan lowers his hand a little, but itâs still quite out of Cheezâ reach. Dylan laughs not taking the gamer seriously until Cheez feigns like heâs reaching and kicks Dylan hard in the shin. Dylan drops to one knee grabbing at his shin and Cheez backs up and runs at Dylan and nails him with Cheez Wiz!
Hawke: Thatâs Cheez finisher, his version of the shinning wizard he calls Cheez Wiz! Itâs far too early for that right?
Randy: Itâs never to early for Cheese Whiz!
Hawke: I meant the move damn it.
It is too early as Dylan kicks out at one. Dylan rolls out onto the apron to catch his breath after being caught off guard. Cheez has momentum now, though, and isnât ready to let it go. He runs and bounces off the ropes and heads straight for Dylan. He leaps looking to splash Dylan right off the apron, but Dylan responds with a huge forearm shot to the face of the flying Cheez. Cheez stumbles back, but somehow stays on his feet. Not for long as Dylan leaps to the top rope and nails the gamer with a flying clothesline laying Cheez out. Dylan has had enough of the gamer nerd and tags in null.
Hawke: This is our first look at null on a global scale.
Randy: This is my first look at null anywhere.
null steps in the ring as Cheez crawls towards his corner. The masked wrestler doesnât seem intent on stopping the gamer and allows him to make the tag. James leaps over the top rope and charges at null. null nonchalantly ducks under the attempt. James hits the ropes and comes back with another. Null again ducks the attempt with ease. James comes back one more time, but this time null takes him over with a smooth arm drag and immediately follows it up with a knee to the ribs while maintaining wrist control. null works the wrist bending it every way he can, but James works his way back up and pulls null in to finally hit the clothesline.
Hawke: Very smooth start by null. Everything he does is so crisp.
Randy: You know what else is crisp and smooth.
Hawke: Donât say it.
Randy: Super Sake Creamsicle available now at all your fine establishments!
Both men spring back up to their feet and begin to circle each other neither looking to move too fast. Finally the two meet with a lock up. James gets the early advantage pushing null back, but null quickly pushes back and takes over control. They jockey until null pushes James back to the ropes and the ref calls for a belt. null slowly backs away offering the clean break. James nods in approval and meets null again with a lock up. This time James immediately gets the advantage and pushes null into the ropes. The ref again calls for the clean break. James steps back, but then quickly chops the chest of null and grabs him and whips him across the ring. Null hits the ropes and bounces back James Raymond takes him down with an arm drag and quickly locks in an arm bar, but null quickly scrambles his feet to the ropes to break. James reluctantly releases the hold and null quickly scrambles to his corner and tags in Dylan.
Hawke: Here we go. The only two in this match with history.
Randy: Back then Dylan had all of his limbs.
Dylan quickly hops in and charges at his co-worker and begins peppering him with left hands. James blocks each shot with his right arm and then strikes with a left of his own and Dylanâs lack of right arm makes it impossible to block and Dylan is rocked. James follows up with a drop kick to the knees dropping Dylan to the mat. James backs up into his team's corner and waits for Dylan to get to his feet. He taunts the crowd calling for his running knee the Kishin Hunter, but Cheez tags him on the back. James looks confused and yells at his partner as Cheez steps through the ropes. He shrugs as his partner and runs at Dylan has he is up to one knee and again attempts Cheez Wiz, but Dylan is ready this time and lifts Cheez up into a power bomb position and turns and runs his opponent towards his teamsâ corner and nails him with a buckle bomb.
Randy: I think Cheez has been cut in half.
Hawke: Not now with the puns a man might be dead.
Cheez crumbles in the corner and Dylan makes the tag to null. null hops over the ropes and lays the boots to the fallen Cheez before tagging in Dylan. Dylan hops over and puts his foot on Cheezâ throat, choking the gamer until the ref makes the five count forcing Dylan to release. Dylan releases and again tags in null. null hops over and drives both knees into Cheezâ chest. null reaches down and pulls Cheez by the legs away from the corner and makes the cover, but Cheez is able to kick out. null quickly gets up to his feet and drops a leg across the throat of Cheez before reaching down and lifting him up to his feet. Null rocks Cheez with a European uppercut, and another, and a third until Cheez again backs into his opposing team's corner. null follows him in with yet another European uppercut that nearly takes Cheezâ head off before tagging in Dylan. Before exiting null drives his shoulder into the stomach of Cheez while Dylan walks across the ring and taunts James Raymond before charging across the ring and nailing Cheez with Disasterpiece.
Hawke: Black and null are working like a team and itâs paying off.
Randy: Meanwhile Cheez and James Raymond donât even seem to know they are on a team.
Hawke: Iâm not sure Cheez even knows where he is after that knee strike.
Cheez crumbles from the strike and Dylan quickly pulls him out of the corner and makes the cover, but James Raymond dives in and breaks it up. Dylan quickly gets up and yells at James as the ref tells him to get out of the ring. Dylan mocks James as heâs forced out and then turns back to Cheez. He reaches down to pick Cheez up but Cheez rolls him up with a small package. Dylan kicks out shortly after the two count Dylan quickly gets up and stomps away at Cheez before he can get up. Dylan drops an elbow on the gamer and grinds the point of his elbow into the throat choking Cheez. The ref admonishes Dylan and Dylan grabs Cheez by the wrist and pulls him up to his feet. Dylan whips Cheez towards the corner, but Cheez runs up the corner and flips over Dylan who charged in. Dylan stops short before hitting the turnbuckle, but Cheez landed on his feet and shotgun drop kicks Dylan into the turnbuckle.
Hawke: This is it. This is Cheezâ chance to make a tag.
Randy: And this is your chance to get Super Sale Creamsicle!
Cheez crawls towards his corner as Dylan shakes the cobwebs loose from hitting the turnbuckle. He turns around and sees Cheez inches away from the outstretched arm of James Raymond. Dylan quickly dives at the feet of Cheez, but Cheez dives and makes the tag before Dylan can stop him. Dylan quickly scrambles to his feet as James spring boards off the top rope and nails Dylan with a jumping knee strike. Dylan hits the ropes and bounces off towards James and swings wildly with his left arm but the fresher James ducks and pushes Dylan from behind. Dylan hits chest first against the ropes and bounces back into the arms of James who nails him with German suplex and he bridges.
Hawke: The tide has turned. James Raymond could have it here.
Randy: Kick out for J-Rok Dylan!
Hawke: Donât they both represent J-Rok?
Randy: UhâŠ
Dylan kicks out just before the refâs hand hits the mat for 3. James slams the mat and gets up to his feet. He reaches down and grabs Dylan and pulls him up to his feet. James whips Dylan into the ropes. null reaches out and makes the blind tag. Dylan bounces back and upon return James pops him up and nails him with a knee strike to the chest on the way down. James picks Dylan up and sets up with a pump handle for Kill or be Killed, but null has climbed up to the top rope and leaps off and nails James with a drop kick. James stumbles back into his corner from the shot and Cheez tags himself in. Cheez leaps over the rope and charges null, but null quickly kicks him in the midsection and nails him with Divide by Zero his elevated DDT and makes the cover. Dylan tackles James Raymond as he goes to break the pin and the ref counts the three.
Bonnie Jenkins: Your winners...Dylan Black and null- TEAM BLACK HOLE!!!!!
Hawke: Dylan and null are moving on.
Randy: This calls for a celebration.
Hawke: No one wants your Super Saki.
Randy: Drink a lot, responsibly!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL!
Crowd: ONE FALL!
Bonnie Jenkins: And is the final qualifying match for the XHF X*Crown Championship match at Night of Champions!
General crowd fanfare.
Randy: Oh boy! The last one Hawke! We're about to find out the final member of the X*Crown match at Night of Champions!
Hawke: Not quite Randy. Remember, the X*Crown is being defended after this.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first, representing NLW. He stands at SIX FEET FIVE INCHES TALL and weighed in tonight at TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY POUNDS! He is the current NLW Southern States Champion! THE ONCE AND FUTURE GIT! GRIMGOR! IRONHIDE!
As "The Orks Theme" from Warhammer 40,000 - Dawn of War III begins to hit the PA system, DA ONCE AND FUTURE GIT appears near the entrance to the back and yells, "GRIMGOR IZ DA BEST!" . He marches across the roller rink and climbs to the ring then lets out a savage scream: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"
Randy: Look at the size of this guy! What a specimen! What a beast!
Hawke: He is quite a guy!
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, representing the BANG! Bros. He stands at SIX FEET FOUR INCHES and weighed in tonight at TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS! THE BLOOD GOD! SPIKE! KANE!
The lights go out as the beginning of "Bow Down" by I Prevail plays through the PA system and a pathway of flames leads the way from the back to the ring. Spike Kane appears and slowly walks among the flames as he makes his way to the ring, taking off his jacket as he prepares to fight.
Hawke: The former X*Crown Champion making another claim for his title!
Randy: We know he's got what it takes. He made it through Overheated and into Night of Champions! He wants to repeat that feat!
Night of Champions Qualifier
Singles Match
Spike Kane (BANG!) vs Grimgor Ironhide (NLW)
DING-DING! DING-DING!
Spike vs Grimgor would start off in a violent manner, with Grimgor charging at Spike Kane and smashing him into the corner! Grimgor lays in with some clotheslines to the corner, beating the Blood God back! Spike tries to fight through the onslaught but Grimgor being a giant orc, is too much and he is quickly overwhelmed. Spike drops to his back and rolls out of the ring, trying to regroup and strategize. Wondering why he was the unlucky fool that got paired with Grimgor.
Spike: Kanyon would have a fairer fight with this thing.
Spike doesnât notice as Grimgor is currently running the ropes, heâs beelining right for Spike and Spike turns around, SUICIDE DIVE! GRIMGOR FLIES BETWEEN THE BOTTOM AND MIDDLE ROPE AND SENDS SPIKE CRASHING INTO THE BARRICADE! IT SHUTTERS AS GRIMGOR GETS TO HIS FEET AND LETS OUT A MIGHTY-
Grimgor: WAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Crowd: Generally positive response.
Spike uses the barricade to pull himself to his feet, before jumping up and shoving Grimgor into the ring post beside him! He makes an impact with a resounding CLANG! Grimgor is seeing stars as Spike grabs him and rolls into the ring, climbing to the top rope for a splash onto the One and Future Git! Spike lands flush on Grimgor and kips up, before nailing a few stomps onto the orcâs gut! Spike kneels down and starts hitting some stiff, heavy strikes on Grimgor, precise elbows that bust the big boy open! Blackish-red blood begins to drip down his noggin and Grimgor canât help but grin! He grabs Spike by the back of the neck and drives him away with a headbutt, getting a second to shake the cobwebs and regain his senses. Spike wipes the orc blood from his forehead on his forearm, and then immediately wipes it on the mat in disgust. Blood drips from the cut on Grimgorâs forehead as he pushes himself to his feet.
Hawke: Already, this NLW-vs-NLW match is getting bloody and brutal!
Randy: So it does when one questions the might of the blood god!
Both scramble to their feet and begin a striking match, both utilizing punches, elbows, and forearms. Anything they can pull out quickly and efficiently. Battering each other senseless for the sake of the sport they participate in! Grimgor gets the advantage here, being physically more of a brute. Fists start to swing and they canât stop, donât stop. The Git and the God battle for control of the match. Grimgor swinging faster and faster, unleashing a flurry, unlike anything Spike has ever seen before! A stiff right rocks the God of Xtreme and he stumbles into the corner. Grimgor marches over and Spike swings both his knees up into Grimgorâs face, smashing him in the nose with another spurt of orc blood! Up on the second rope, Spike jumps off for a flying DDT! Spiking Grimgorâs head into the mat! He covers the big Git, one! Kick out! With some god damn authority! Spike is thrown off of Grimgor ala Apollo being thrown off of Strowman! Back on his feet now, Spike soccer kicks Grimgor in the gut, rolling him over so Spike can slap on the Burning Hell! His ankle lock submission! Grimgor is in a world of pain as Spike is wrenching on that leg!
Randy: This could be over before it gets going! With some luck, Spike might make Grimgor tap out here!
Hawke: I believe heâd be the first person to make Grimgor tap out in a wrestling ring! And imagine how his tribe would feel at home knowing he submitted to a, what they call us, â âumie.â
Grimgor is roaring in pain on the mat, fists clenched as he tries to hold it together and not tap out here. Spike keeps trying to torque that ankle, break it even so Grimgor canât fight tonight! Grimgor tries to drag himself to those ropes, Spike tries to pull him away but Grimgor lunges and LATCHES ONTO THE BOTTOM ROPE! Spike keeps yanking though, the ref starts to count! One, two, three, four, fi- Spike lets go a split second before the fifth count that would disqualify him, taking a step back before stomping on the leg he just had wrapped him! The crowd boos the sick display from the Blood God and Spike just grins, he has Grimgor exactly where he wants him! Spike drags Grimgor back to the center of the ring and delivers a few more stomps to his ankle for good measure.
Crowd: YOU SICK FUCK! YOU SICK FUCK!
Spike laughs and rolls out of the ring, reaching under the apron for two things. First is a chair that he tosses into the ring. And second, The Spiked One 7.0. Spikeâs signature sledgehammer.
Hawke: Uh oh. Whatâs Spike planning here?
Randy: Nothing good. Heâs brought weapons into the match. SPIIIIIIIIIIIKE! DONâT YOU KNOW THERE IS DQS BRO?
Randyâs screams fall on deaf ears as Spike sets the steel chair around Grimgorâs foot, standing on it as the orc screams. Spike just grins, thereâs a job to do and heâs gonna do it right. He grabs the Spiked One 7.0 and lifts it high above his head! SPIKE SNARLS AS HE BEGINS TO SWING THE HAMMER DOWN! AND! AND!
âŠ
THE REFEREE CATCHES THE HAMMER! THE REFEREE CATCHES THE HAMMER AND YANKS IT OUT OF SPIKEâS HANDS! SPIKE IS IN COMPLETE SHOCK AS THE REF IS YELLING AT HIM, BACKING HIM UP, AND GIVING HIM THE DISAPPOINTED DAD TALK!
Hawke: Where the hell did we get that Super-Ref?!
And as Spike is backing up, he backs up right into Grimgor - WHO ROLLS HIM UP FOR A CHEEKY LITTLE SCHOOL BOY! THE REF SLIDES INTO POSITION! ONE, TWO, KICK OUT! GRIMGOR ALMOST GOT SPIKE! But as Spike kicked out, he flung Grimgor into the ref! The ref gets splashed on and is out like a light!
Randy: That ref clearly took some Compound V, and it just wore off!
Spike and Grimgor take a moment to recompose before noticing that the ref ainât moving. They look at each other, at the weapons close to them, and at each other again. They scramble for their weapons. Grimgor hoists his chair in the air as Spike is armed with his hammer.
Grimgor: OUR BATTLE WILL BE LEGENDARY!
They both swing for the fences! Chair and hammer clash as they go back and forth with their weapons. Spike takes a low swing and hooks Grimgorâs bad leg, sweeping them out from beneath him! Grimgor hits the mat and as Spike raises the hammer for the final blow, Grimgor jams the chair into his chest and knocks the wind out of him! Grimgor winds back, and smashes the chair across Spikeâs back! Again! And again! Spike is flattened on the floor as Grimgor winds back and damn near bends that chair across Spikeâs back! With the chair bent about 45 degrees off of what it used to be, Grimgor takes the steel chair and bends it in half!
Randy: Oh Jesus, what a feat of strength!
Hawke: If Grimgor can do that to a chair, imagine what heâll do to Spike!
We donât have to imagine because Grimgor throws the folded-in-half chair on the ground and picks Spike up. He stands there for a minute debating what to do before picking Spike up in a vertical suplex position! He holds Spike up high in the air! DA ALPHA SLAAAAAM! JACKHAMMER! ON THE CHAIR! Grimgor quickly throws the chair out of the ring and grabs the ref, lifting him up by the back of his pants and throwing him down by Spike before stacking Spike up for a pin. One⊠Two⊠⊠⊠THREE!
Randy: He did it!
Hawke: Grimgor just pinned the Blood God in a physical, violent match!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of the match and going on to the Night of Champions main eventâŠGrimgor Ironhide!
Randy: The NLW Southern States Champion with a HUGE win, as he beats former X*Crown Champ Spike Kane to punch his ticket to Night of Champions!
Hawke: Lots of people didnât think the orc would make it through, all betting on Spike. Anything can happen in professional wrestling!
Grimgor gets a few âWAGHâ chants going as Spike slinks away to the back.
Hawke: December 28th, 2021 â Zoran Sainovic appears on Oh Violent Night, and offended that he wasnât include at that event as a hardcore icon, challenges the 2021 End of Days winner to an over the top death match at the third Battle for Hegemony. Sainovic didnât respect Steve Awesome enough to name him, and it later became clear that Awesome wasnât familiar with the Boss either. Their extreme dream match ending in three seconds with a simple roll-up. As a result, Sainovic ruined Awesomeâs REIGN debut, terrorized his friends and family, turned him into a raging alcoholic, hunted him for sport at the Call to Arms, and butchered Steve at the Rumble â all on Zoranâs way to winning the crown. When they finally got around to acknowledging one anotherâs names, their bloody pissing contest only got more intense. We are well into the second half of the calendar, and there hasnât been a global event in 2022 that isnât covered in these hatred rivalâs bad blood.
Randy: You make it sound like Steve is the underdog! He won their first match, Call To Arms, and the last time we saw them together at OVN2 he locked Zoran in a knifeboard coffin. That is hard to shake off. For my money, Steve is a two-time champ, and god help the next man who has to step in the ring with Zoran after he drops the crown.
Hawke: Isnât that you?
Randy: Oh shit, youâre right! GOD DAMN KIRA!
Hawke: You know he watches this-
Randy: So? Like Iâm scared. Whatâs he going to do? Book me against Zoran TWICE?
Hawke: There isnât much more that Steve and Zoran can do to each other physically, but there is one final humiliation that they can inflict.
Randy: A Confession match!
Hawke: My understanding is that this Confession match is similar to an I Quit contest.
Randy: What is to keep them from lying?
Hawke: When signing the contract, both competitors submitted a specific question for their opponent, and were then subjected to a polygraph. Only referee Stan Shepard knows the truth that will end this contest, and its up to Zoran and Steve to extract that confession out.
Randy: So if under torture Steve admits to thinking of his Ex while nailing Zelda, or Zoran talks about wetting the bed until he was in his thirties â it doesnât count if it wasnât the KEY confession?
Hawke: Exactly, and on that note, letâs throw it over to Bonnie with the introductions.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your MAIN EVENT FOR THE EVENING!
Crowd: BLOOD LUST ANTICIPATORY MEGA POP!
Bonnie Jenkins: It is a CONFESSION MATCH, which will continue until one of the competitors SPILLS THEIR GUTS-
Crowd: EVEN MORE BLOOD LUST ANTICIPATORY MEGA POP!
Bonnie Jenkins: And it is for the XHF X*CROWN-
Crowd: LOSING THEIR SHIT FOR SO MANY TITLES DEFENDED AT ONCE POP!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first- the challenger...
The lights go dim. The only thing producing light is a giant spinning disco ball hanging from the ceiling. Suddenly ten female roller skaters come rolling out and five skate one way the other skates the other. The girls start chanting.
âLETS GO STEVE!â
From the crowd you can hear a thigh-slap, slap slap slap. They chant a few more times as the giant disco ball starts to lower down as a familiar remixed track starts to play. It's "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees- but it's the much more skankier version. The giant disco ball comes all the way to the floor.
"Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around
Since I was born
And now it's alright, it's okay
And you may look the other way
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man"
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around
Since I was born
And now it's alright, it's okay
And you may look the other way
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man"
Suddenly sliding doors slide open and a bright light and smoke billow out.
"Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive"
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive"
Then suddenly STEVE AWESOME steps into the doorway. Heâs dressed in all white Saturday night fever suit with SA logos in the shape of a heart on it. He hits the Saturday Night Fever pose.
All the skating girls run up to him and act like obsessed fan girls. Rubbing and touching his legs and arms.
"Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive
Oh, when you walk"
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive
Oh, when you walk"
âREGRETS IVE GOT MINE!â
The hard cut to "Full of Regret" by Danko Jones explodes the arena into green. Steve shoves through the girls and they all go rolling backward. Steve flashes a confident grin as the fans seem to favor the usual bad guy.
"Lonely nights and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her wont you tell her for me
It's better this way to avoid all the misery"
If you see her wont you tell her for me
It's better this way to avoid all the misery"
The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.
Hawke: Steve capturing the crowdâs hearts with his loving tribute to attempted rapist and noted homophobe, Tony Manero.
Randy: What a great dancer!
Bonnie Jenkins: And the champion...
"Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around
Since I was born"
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk
Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around
Since I was born"
Steve looks visibly annoyed as the Bee Geeâs Staying Alive starts to pump over the PA system AGAIN. Only this is a slightly different arrangement.
Bonnie Jenkins: And the CHAMPION... standing at 6â1â, and weighing in at 242lbs, he comes to us from Belgrade, Serbia- Der Kommissaaaaaaaaaar- That XHF Deviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil- THE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINAL BOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS- ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAN SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINOVIC!!!!
The Final Boss struts out of the back. Brown shoes. Dark blue jeans. White shirt. Gold chain. Leather jacket. Black scarf. Yes, heâs dressed as the slightly more mature Tony Manero from the conclusion of 1983âs Staying Alive. In the six years it took for John Travolta to sign off on a Saturday Night Fever sequel, disco had died. Referencing the poorly received film is the equivalent of digging up Discoâs corpse, setting it on fire, pissing out the blaze, then burying it upside down so it could never find itâs way to the musical afterlife. Reminding people of this Sylvester Stallone directed sequel seems to mock the audience for enjoying the sad musical style, and make them feel like fools for celebrating it. Why would Zoran dump on the theme like this? Because like Judy â Zoran is a punk.
"Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother
You're stayin alive, stayin alive
Feel the city breakin and everybody shakin
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive"
You're stayin alive, stayin alive
Feel the city breakin and everybody shakin
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive"
Hawke: Zoran paying less loving tribute to Tony Manero. This mature version is still misogynistic, and can dance, but isnât as homophobic or quite as much of a sexual predator.
Randy: Heâs going down!
"Life goin' nooooooowhere, somebody help me
Somebody help me, yeah -ah, ah, ah, aaaaay
Life goin' noooooooowhere, somebody help me, yeah
I'm stayin' aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalive"
Somebody help me, yeah -ah, ah, ah, aaaaay
Life goin' noooooooowhere, somebody help me, yeah
I'm stayin' aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalive"
Not taking his eyes off Steve, Zoran enters the ring. Referee Stan Shepard tries to check for weapons, but this just elicits a laugh from the champion.
Hawke: Given that Awesome turned him into a cutting board, Sainovic seems to be in surprisingly good spirits.
Randy: Zoran is all smiles while I donât think Iâve ever seen Steve this serious.
Hawke: Certainly the calm before the storm, and I for one am shocked that neither man is attacking before the bell.
Randy: Uncharacteristically dignified.
Zoran Sainovic: Anything you want to tell everyone NOW, to save yourself another beating?
Steve Awesome: ...
The X*Crown Championship
Confession Match
Zoran Sainovic (c) vs Steve Awesome
DING! DING! DING!
Steve Awesome (pointing): WHAT IS THAT?
Hawke: Zoran looks, and AWESOME AGAIN PULLS SAINOVIC INTO AN INSIDE CRADLE!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Zoran Sainovic: YOUDIRTYROTTENNOGOODBASTARDOFADEADDOGWHORE!
Crowd: HE GOT YOU AGAIN POP!
Randy: MASSIVE kickout by Zoran!
Hawke: Which wasnât necessary as there are no pinfalls in a Confession match! That was Steve reminding the champ of his Hegemony humiliation!
Randy: He definitely wiped the smile off Zoranâs face! His face is beat red, and heâs spitting mad!
Both men fired up, are quickly to their feet and trading nasty hooks. Dancing around the ring with less disco swagger and more pugilist footwork, as they batter each other to every corner of the circle. Their Tony Manero cosplays mean that a tacky amount of jewellery is attached to each blow, and it isnât long before their faces have giant welts from gaudy rings. After a few dozen punches are exchanged, Awesome catches Sainovic on the temple with a right hook so hard it shatters the cubic zirconia on his Super Bowl knockoff ring. Along with filling the air with fake diamond dust, the angle of the shot draws blood. Weak in the knees, Zoran switches momentum with a thumb to the eye.
Hawke: The challenger drawing first blood, but the champ responds with an eye gouge. Now shooting in for The SureShot-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Hawke: That is one way to counter-
The severed robotic arm of Dylan Black, which Awesome has attached to his side like a makeshift Doctor Octopus, shoots up â sucker punching Zoran in the stomach.
Randy: Good for Steve getting some practical use out of that robotic appendage.
Hawke: That arm no stranger to the X*Crown, and itâs nice to see Black back in the title fight. ...At least in some form.
Hitting one of the holes that the coffin match created, the metal arm shreds stitches, reopening Zoranâs stomach up. Doubling over in pain, Zoran sets himself up for an awkwardly over choreographed uppercut from the robot arm â that looks more like a hip attack from Awesome. The metal fist connects with the jaw, sending Sainovic violently back into the ropes with such force, that blood spurts out of the hole in his gut â sprinkling through his white shirt like an Alien chestburster.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Crowd: DYLANâS ARM FOR THE WIN POP!!!!!
Hawke: Hip â uppercut â sends Zoran to the ropes, and Steve charges in- CLOSELINE sends the champ over the top rope!
Randy: Nope, Zoran with a fistful of rope might 180 but lands on the apron â he didnât win the Rumble for nothi-
Hawke: RUNNING KNEELIFT TO THE STOMACH KNOCKS ZORAN FROM APRON TO FLOOR!!!
Landing hard, Zoran holds his rupturing gut â desperately trying to keep his intestines from spilling out. This makes him easy prey for-
Hawke: WRATH OF THE DRAGON TO THE OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Crowd: NEW CHAMP POP!
Fortunately for Zoran, the moonsault into a double foot stomp misses his hemorrhaging guts. Unfortunately, they connect with his face â driving his head back into the hardwood of the rink. The back of his scalp casually explodes. The referee is quickly kneeling next to the champion with a microphone in hand.
Stan Shepard: Do you confess?
Nothing.
Hawke: If this was a standard match, I have no doubt that Sainovic would be down for the three count- but here-
Randy: Itâs hard to get a confession, when you knock the man out cold.
Leaning over Sainovic, Awesome starts to bitch slap him â just hard enough to wake the older man back up. Even if he wasnât looking for the early confession, itâs no good torturing Zoran if heâs not awake to feel it. Slap. Slap. Slap. SLAP. SLAAAAAAP. The rings continue to leave marks. The frustration makes each slap harder, until finally Steve winds up for a big one- which is exactly when Zoran decides to catch his hand in his mouth.
Steve Awesome: AAAAAAAA- you fucking child-AAAAAAA.
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Soon Steveâs left hand is gushing blood, as Zoran attempts to bite his fingers off. The embarrassment of Tony Mareno rings is probably the only thing keeping Awesome from losing a finger.
Stan Shepard: Do you confess?
Steve Awesome: YEAAAAAAAAAAH- that I hope he chokes on me!
A well-placed boot to the reopened coffin knife hole finally knocks Zoran off of Steveâs gore drenched left hand. As Zoran holds his stomach in agony, Shepard asks him to confess. Staggering away from the fight, Steve checks the damage to see if he has to strip Dylanâs arm for some new digits. One. Two. Three. Four. Thumb? Thank goodness.
Zoran Sainovic: Tastes like... chicken!
The champ spits out a large ring that Steve used to be wearing, hitting the challenger in the forehead. This insult is enough to get Steve to charge back to the fistfight, even though his left hand is useless in it.
Hawke: Wild brawl â with both men fighting through the pain.
Randy: Perhaps Steveâs blood has given Zoran the liquid courage he needs to get back in the fight.
Hawke: Alcoholic jokes, Randy?
Randy: I just wanted to be on the other end for once...
The two men brawl around ringside, with Steve getting the worst of the exchanges based on his pulped left hand. A vicious right sends Awesome staggering back into the guardrail, where waiting fans pat him on the back in a show of support. Itâs kind of surreal. Why didnât Steve try harder to win the fans over earlier? Oh right, theyâre completely useless â as heâs battered back towards the timekeeperâs table. Side stepping a thrust kick, Zoran makes up the distance, hooking Steve into a Sickle Clutch which tosses him into the table. Steve rallies back, just as the older man charges in...
Hawke: Zoran setting Steve up for a The Pressure Point-
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DING
Steve pulls up the ring bell at the last moment, using it as a shield to block the vicious shotei. Zoran may have broken a finger. But whatâs one finger, when the spot can be repeated?
DING
Again, the shotei rings hollow against the bell.
Hawke: Sainovic trying to take Awesome apart with those brutal pressure points, but the challenger is able to ward The XHF Devil off by using the ring bell as a shield!
Randy: Itâs nowhere near as bloody, but Zoranâs hand might be as busted as Steveâs...
The pinky is looking crooked. But the champ thinks of all the impressionable children that make up his fanbase, the Midboss Maniacs, of which heâs sure Steveâs brat Lauren is a member. He wants to teach those kids about perseverance, so he goes for a third shotei!!!!!!!!
DING
Hawke: Before Zoran can try anything, Steve with another bell shot to the temple.
Randy: There is NO WAY that Zoranâs orbital bone isnât getting fractured again.
Vein in the side of his head pulsating like itâs about to erupt, Sainovic lumps forwards. With Sainovic down to a knee, Awesome charges in with the bell overhead, ready to deliver a crushing blow-
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CRASSSSSSSSSS-
DING
CRRRRRRRRRRRRASH
DING
CRRRRRRRRRRRRASH
Hawke: CWM SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Before Awesome can connect, Zoran gets a head between the legs, and cranks Steve up in the air for his patented backdrop driver variation. In the air, Awesome manages to get his bell shot in â but itâs not enough to stop him from being sent crashing through the timekeeperâs table. Both men are left in a heap of splinters.
Sam Shepard: Do either of you-
The referee has to jump back to avoid being hit with a chunk of table by Zoran. Still bleeding out from his stomach wounds, Sainovic uses the timekeeperâs chair as a cane to stand up. Wooden shards now making Awesomeâs white suit look polka dotted in red, Steve tries to sit up as well-
Hawke: Both men just wrecked from that table, Zoran up first, but Steve hot on his-
CLANK
Swinging the chair, Zoran knocks Steve back into the table wreckage. Then opening the chair, Sainovic sets it up so that the leg support is against Awesomeâs throat, using it to choke him against the ground â before sitting on it backwards like the cool kids do. With Steve pinned to the broken table, Zoran reaches into his leather jacket and pulls out a water bottle.
Randy: Steve getting a taste of what Zoran did to Zelda over at REIGNâs Festa Toda a Noite em Sao Luis!
Hawke: Sainovic dropping a cloth on Awesomeâs face, and pouring a bottle of water down his gullet. And now fishing around for a second. The keep a lot of them by that corner. Awesome is trapped awkwardly against that table and chair, canât defend himself â being WATERBOARDED!
Randy: Itâs a confession match, at some point it was going to come down to torture. And that plays to Zoranâs strengths.
The hacking sounds are deeply upsetting. As Steve coughs up a lung, a smiling Zoran gestures over Shepard to ask his question-
Zoran Sainovic: Zatâs your cue.
Stan Shepard: Steve, do you-
Before Steve can answer, Zoran pours another bottle of water into his mouth, catching him off guard. Steve accidentally breathes it in, causing a more violent coughing fit. His chest shakes desperate for air, only the chair pressing down makes this impossible.
Zoran Sainovic (leaning forward on the chair): Whatâs zat Steve? Speak up! Do you have something you... want to get off your chest.
Steve Awesome (hacking cough): pspspspps.
Relishing every moment, Zoran leans down to further gloat-
DING
Just close enough for a weak bell shot. Catching that bruised temple, Zoran starts to topple over, only to right himself, and try to put his weight back down on the chair. Too late. The small gap is just enough for a waterlogged Awesome to reach up, sticking his thumb straight into Sainovicâs stomach wound. Deep enough to put a body in shock, the move gets Zoran to stumble off the chair â letting Steve roll out from under it, still coughing up blood.
Randy: Steve getting up in them guts!
Hawke: Randy, please.
Randy: Sorry.
Trying to stay on the attack, Sainovic pats down his stomach... to apparently encourage clotting? Maybe just to make sure no organs have escaped. With one hand pulling a dignified Kamala, Zoran spins on his heel, trying to pounce back.
DING
Having recovered the timekeeperâs bell, Steve does his best Ken Griffey Jr. swing to knock Zoran back a good five feet. Rolling through so that he ends up on his knees, Sainovic spits up blood, then shoots Awesome a dirty look. Awesome starts charging forwards with the bell for another brutal swing when-
Zoran Sainovic: GET OVER HERE!!!
Doing his Mortal Kombat Scorpion impression, Zoran shoots a kunai attached to a rope out of his sleeve, and catches the bell with it. A turn of the wrist yanks the rope back â sending the bell flying into the audience. Hopefully some production assistant wearing rollerblades can retrieve it before someone confesses. Having removed Awesomeâs weapon, Zoran starts to wind up his rope for another shot â but Steve makes up the distance.
Steve Awesome: I WILL GIVE YOU A WARRIORâS DEATH.
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Awesome charges into Sainovic. Only under his slowly red turning white coat, Dylanâs robotic arm extends out of his right side, and on the other side â a plastic cabbage patch kid arm. Admittedly the plastic one isnât as technically advanced as Dylanâs, and it only extends because itâs attached to his real arm by a string, but it does essentially give Steve four arms. Before Zoran can react to this flagrant gimmick infringement, the Dylan arm has reached around the championâs waist â and clasped the plastic arm. This action traps Sainovicâs arms to his sides, leaving him open to Goroâs Chest Pound.
Crowd: ARCADE LOVE POP!
Randy: GORO! Weâve gone full Mortal Kombat, as Steve pays tribute to the four-armed Shokan prince!
Hawke: Iâm sure itâs not-
Randy: See Goroâs lower arms put them in a bear hug, leaving the upper arms to just pound the tar out of his opponents.
Hawke: Even though his left hand is still a bloody mess, Awesome hammering away at the unprotected Sainovic â just clubbing down on his head.
The audience count along with the punches. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22.
Stan Shepard: Zoran, do you confess?
Zoran Sainvoic: F-
23!
Zoran Sainovic: Fu-
24!
Zoran Sainovic: FUC-
25!
Stan Shepard: Well? Was that a yes?
Zoran Sainvoic: STOP STEALING MY BIT!
His face already a crimson mask, Zoran rams his head into Awesomeâs nose. Again. And again. Each strike threatening to break it, then ram the broken bone into Steveâs brain. The audience donât count along because they are narrow-minded sheep, but there are almost as many headbutts as there were punches. Steve would be happy to disengage, but wouldnât you know it? Dylanâs arm is stuck holding the cabbage patch plastic in a hug, essentially trapping the two together. Both men look ready to collapse, but it forces them to stand upright.
Hawke: Rapid-fire headbutts, and the white of both menâs outfits is now a deep scarlet.
Randy: Shepard again asking Steve AND Zoran if either of them confess-
Hawke: They BOTH try to hit him, and the effort is awkward enough for Dylanâs arm to rip the plastic baby arm from Steveâs coat â freeing them!
Released from the hold, Zoran reaches up and hits an belly-to-belly release overhead suplex towards the steel steps. Channelling his inner Tony Manero â Steve lands on his feet. By the time Sainovic has spun around to follow-up, the robotic Dylan arm is waiting to swing the cabbage patch arm like a club â catching Zoran on the jaw!
Crowd: You Can Do It Dylanâs Arm - BRAIN HIM!
Confidence building, Dylanâs arm starts to wind up for a home run.
Zoran Sainovic: GET OVER HERE!
Again going to the Scorpion pool, Zoran shoots off the kunai again â this time it CUTS through the holster attaching the arm to Steveâs midsection, removing the appendage, and sending it flying attached to a loose rope.
Hawke: Now both men without their video game references, perhaps we can get back to a practical wrestling match-
Randy: Running Flying Forearm by Steve!
SMASH
Randy: But Zoran counters with a bottle of an unidentified substance.
Hawke: That was Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale, the alcohol that Sainovic promotes in Japan.
Randy: I donât understand a word that is coming out of your mouth.
Hawke: Having already caused Steve to relapse, Zoran adding insult to injury slinging those bottles around. Awesome now covered in glass and booze.
Randy: Steve has always been a trendsetter. I want to wear what heâs wearing!
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SMACK
Hawke: Zoran hits The Revolver on the concrete floor, and Steve is out of it! Sainovic now dragging Awesome this way-
Randy: Donât worry, as a respected member of the wrestling community, if he tries anything Iâll keep him in line-
Zoran Sainovic (walking over with a fistful of Awesomeâs hair): Shut ze fuck up, Randy. Announce teams donât exactly have ze best track records in my matches, just ask Elfas.
Leaving Steve in a slump against the table, Zoran rests another bottle of Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale on the announce position. The aleâs appearance is enough for Randy to use Hawke as a human shield, fearing that being photographed with the bottle might cost him a sponsorship deal.
Hawke: Will you let go of me?
Randy: I donât know what you mean.
Hawke: Sainovic resting his rice ale so he can reach around in his pockets for- what is that?
Randy: No. DONâT DO IT!
Hawke: What is it?
Randy: Disulfiram. It doesnât mix well with booze. The sick bastard is going to make Steve wish he stayed dead.
Stan Shepard: Steve, are you sure you wouldnât be better off con-
Before Shepard can even ask his question, Zoran has a fistful of the alcoholic medication, and is cramming them down Steveâs throat. A steady flow of blood from his lips causes some of the pills to fall out, but at least a few dozen are forced in. As Steve coughs, choking on them â Zoran retrieves his second bottle of rice ale.
Hawke: So if he has those with alcohol?
Randy: Itâs over â you get so sick, well, he wonât be able to defend himself.
Zoran Sainovic: Hereâs too your health, Steve!
Turning the Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale over Steveâs gullet, Zoran is shocked to find the bottle empty. He had his back turned for twenty seconds, what kind of louse could-
Zoran Sainovic: DAMN IT, RANDY!
Thwarted by the other serious alcoholic in the five-foot radius, Sainovic smashes the bottle against the table to get a sharp cutting instrument. He is about to slash the announcerâs throat, when Awesome pops up-
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Hawke: AWESOME-PL*
CRAAAAAAAAAAASH
The Awesome-plex through the announcerâs table silences the commentary. Cameras pick up Hawke and Randy desperately trying to retrieve headphones, while the two competitors lie in a broken heap.
Hawke: *thud*
Randy: Me?
Hawke: *knock*
Randy: A u j e no?
Hawke: No? *Pop*
Randy: Now?
Hawke: -Es.
Randy: GARBLEGARBLEGARBLE.
Hawke: No, not yet-
Randy: GARBLE!
Hawke: Sorry fans, as you can see the match just destroyed our position.
Steve Awesome is the first out of the wreckage, to the approval of the crowd. Grabbing a bottle of water, he tries to force up the Disulfiram. While he wretches violently near the apron sleeve, Sainovic sits up. A six-inch wooden shard sticks out of his gory abdomen. Sneering, Zoran pulls the wood out. Then realizing that it might be the only thing keeping the blood in him, promptly places it back. Muttering obscenities, he grabs a lethal looking broken bottle of Hitachino Nest, and starts crawling towards Steve with murderous intent.
Randy: Man, Zoran is taking the whole spilling your guts thing seriously...
Hawke: Sainovic from behind goes for the ankle-
Noticing the ghoul at the last second, Awesome rolls away from a glass attack. Still not quite able to stand, for fear of his internal organs falling out, Zoran continues to crawl after him â leaving a trail of blood that looks like the tracks of a snail.
Hawke: Looking more like a zombie by the minute, Zoran creeping after Steve like a man possessed.
Randy: Steve with the speed advantage casually walking over to security.
Grabbing a Taser gun off the belt of a security guard, Steve Awesome casually checks the settings, and then points down. Two electrodes shooting out on wires-
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ZAAAAAAAAAP
Zoran Sainovic: JEEEEEEEEZ-
Crowd: ELECTROCUTION POP!!!
Stan Shepard: Zoran, do you confess?
Zoran Sainovic: N- NO!
ZAAAAAAAAAAAP!
Zoran Sainovic: YEEEEEEEOOOW.
Crowd: ELECTROCUTION POP!!!
Stan Shepard: How about now?
Zoran Sainovic: N- never!
ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP
Zoran Sainovic: YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAGH!
Crowd: ELECTROCUTION POP!!!
Stan Shepard: This would be a very good time to-
Zoran Sainovic: noooooooooo!
ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP
Crowd: ELECTROCUTION POP!!!
Zoran Sainovic: YYYYYYYEEEEEOOOOOWWAAAARRGH!
Stan Shepard: PLEASE!
Zoran Sainovic (breathing heavily): ...fâŠfine.
ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP
Zoran Sainovic: GGGGGGGGGGGAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
Crowd: ELECTROCUTION POP!!!
Steve Awesome: My finger slipped.
Stan Shepard: You were saying?
Zoran Sainovic: i wil mak teve egret e ever bor. n.
Stan Shepard: That isnât the confession weâre looking for-
ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Steve Awesome: ...Itâs all out of juice.
Crowd: GET HIM ANOTHER GUN Chant!
Hawke: The champion is literally smoking! And the security guard angrily taking back his Taser.
Randy: Steve came damn close to making Zoran talk.
Hawke: Awesome lifting Sainovic up with a hammerlock-
THUD
Hawke: Throwing Sainovic into the ring steps with a hammerlock backdrop!
Randy: And follows it up with a stinger splash!
THUD
The splash into the steps hits Zoran full force in the stomach. Barely conscious, the champ instinctively tries to apply pressure to the heavily damaged area. Leaving him to try to hold himself together, Steve looks for plunder. Grabbing a large black power cable, Awesome wraps it around Sainovicâs throat, and then pulls it tight against the ring post for leverage - choking him out.
Hawke: Basically one handed, but Steve yanking back on that cord for all heâs worth!
Stan Shepard: Zoran, you know the drill!
Zoran Sainovic: Gonnahavetokillme-
That seems to be the idea. Awesome keeps pulling back on the cord, until Sainovic once again seems to pass out.
Hawke: Sainovic losing consciousness, and Steve cannot win the match without a verbal confirmation.
Randy: After everything that Zoran has done to him, I donât think Steve minds wringing every drop of blood out of the champ.
Hawke: Awesome leaving Sainovic half tied to the steel steps, giving them some distance and- yes- slapping his thigh!
Randy: THIGH SLAPPER SUPER KICK! HERE HE GOES!
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PING!
Randy: Zoran ducking down, and Steve kicks the post-
Hawke: But thatâs not the worst of it-
Randy: What? It isnât? OH. Oooh.
Foot wrapped around the metal post, Steve looks down as Zoran Sainovic has stabbed his outstretched thigh with a needle. Before Awesome can react, Zoran shoots him up with something. A headbutt knocks the challenger away, and gives Zoran a chance to free the cable from his neck.
Zoran Sainovic: Donât worry. Iâm not getting you hooked on any NEW demons, Steve. Zatâs just a shot of Sodium Pentothal to jog your jaws.
Hawke: ZORAN JUST INJECTED STEVE WITH TRUTH SERUM!
Wide eyed, Steve Awesome starts to think through his options before the drug starts decreasing his brainâs metabolic activity.
Zoran Sainovic: Have anything you want to tell us?
Feeling an embarrassing stream of confessions coming on, Steve Awesome runs away. Zoran Sainovic chases after him.
Steve Awesome: You miserable cheating sack of shit!
Zoran Sainovic: Donât be like zat Steve, can we have a conversation? Letâs talk it out!
Awesome throws a chair at Zoranâs head, continuing to circle ringside looking for something that could help.
Hawke: I donât know how long it takes for truth serum to take effect â but you have to think that Steve needs to end this match quickly or heâll be defenceless.
Randy: I donât know what heâs looking for... a few dozen Tasers might do the trick.
Spotting a production assistant using gafferâs tape on the power cable that was disturbed, Steve knocks over the young man. Grabbing the tape. He tears off a strip. Zoran charges in with another pressure point, but Steve rolls under - putting the tape over his mouth.
Hawke: Steve taping his own mouth shut, not trusting himself not to confess!
Randy: That is a sound tactic on Steveâs part. I wouldnât trust him either.
Reaching for Steveâs face, Zoran tries to pull the tape off â only for Awesome to duck under the attempt. Another snatch! Side step. Another snatch! Bob to the right! He caught the left corner, it starts to lift â no Steve weaves out. The two commit to a pretty involved chain wrestling sequence of Zoran trying to peel it off, but a frantic Steve playing keep away. All the while, Stan Shepard follows the duo around, asking Steve if he wants to confide.
Crowd: Run, Steve, Run!
Hawke: This would be the only way that a wrestling match would break out in this bloody showdown.
Randy: Fair play, these are some really complicated counter wrestling sequences â Iâm getting dizzy just watching them.
Hawke: Zoran finally with a fistful of hair, but Steve wiggles out with a crotch chop. Now hitting the ring-
The race finally sees Steve Awesome dive under the bottom rope, re-entering the ring.
Hawke: Steve finally taking the match back into the ring. To be honest, Iâm actually surprised to see them back there.
Randy: Zoran sliding in after him, and goes for The Harvester â but Steve matrixes under!
Hawke: Whether its drugs or sheer blood loss, both men moving at an unnatural speed.
Steve then goes for a high leg closeline, but Zoran rolls under. Recovering, Sainovic goes for a second Harvester â only for Awesome to catch him, turning it into a SteveKO-
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Hawke: STEVEKO!!!!!!!!
Only for Zoran to spin through the SteveKO turning it into an attempted choke-
Hawke: CONFESSIONIZER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Only for Steve to slide out from the blood, and hooking the arm, drop with a-
Hawke: AWESOME-LOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hawke: He has it clenched in tight!
Randy: Centre of the canvas, and even if Zoran got to the ropes â there would be no reason for Steve to break it!
Hawke: Zoran with nowhere to go- this has to be it!
Flailing about with his free arm, Zoran does manages to grasp a rope â but not one of the rings, rather his Scorpion impression kunai one.
Stan Shepard: This would be a really good time to unburden yourself-
Zoran Sainovic: DIE!
Sadly his super sharp kunai is embedded in Dylanâs arm, and from their prone position â a club is not as good as a knife. Yet despite this failure, Zoran never quite blacks out, because Steve is letting just enough air in to keep the pressure on.
Stan Shepard: No one will think less of you if-
Zoran tries to hit the referee with the roped arm. He scatters. Foaming at the mouth, Zoran makes one last desperate bid-
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Tossing the rope up at the ceiling, it wraps around the low hanging disco ball, with Dylanâs prone arm acting as an anchor around the base.
Hawke: What is Zoran-
Randy: Heâs lassoed the disco ball.
Hawke: To what end?
Randy: Well if he can use it to drag them up, he might be able to hit some kind of senton? That is his only chance. He really doesnât have another way to break it.
With his one free arm, Zoran starts to climb. The second his shoulders leave the canvas, Steve applies more pressure â committed to the actual choke. Fading fast, Zoran gets them up another foot in the air.
Randy: I donât think heâs going to be able to get high enough for it to be meaningful.
Hawke: Heâs more likely to break it-
Randy: No chance, did you see Florida Man on it earlier?
Hawke: Yeah, I guess if it could put up with his antics-
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SHATTER
Hawke: JESUS!
Randy: DEATH BY DISCO!
Hawke: WE ARE GOING TO NEED MEDICS!
Despite the many pints of plasma theyâve shed, the combined weight of Zoran Sainovic and Steve Awesome is enough to pull down the giant disco ball, which crushes them before shattering into a million pieces in the centre of the ring. The good news for the champion is that the move did indeed manage to break the Awesome-lock, unfortunately the ring is now covered in shards of broken glass, and both men have been cut to ribbons.
Hawke: What a hellacious crash- both men in a bad way.
Stan Shepard: Is there any secret really worth keeping at this point?
Even the referee canât annoy them back to life.
Hawke: Iâm starting to see the flaw in this match concept.
Randy: That neither of them are ever going to give it up?
Hawke: YES. This has gone on entirely too long, I mean, at this rate theyâll die before we see a finish. That hit â my god it was BRUTAL.
Both men start to slowly breath, and then try to roll, fail, then start to crawl around in the glass. Not unlike babies. Grabbing a particularly large fragment of the disco ball, Zoran slashes out-
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Slashing open the tape that was sealing, Awesomeâs lips!
Hawke: Sainovic cuts open that tape, and nothing keeping Steveâs drug induced honesty from spilling out!
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Rather than glass, Steve Awesome has retrieved something else- wrapping the bent robotic arm of Dylan Black around Zoranâs head.
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Crowd: INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT POP!
Hawke: STEVE WITH THAT METAL ARM, USING IT TO SQUASH ZORANâS HEAD LIKE A MELON!!!!!!
The robot arm still twitches, the gears inside it functioning to a degree. And that makes it dangerous. Steve and Zoran would stop just short of killing each other. Not that they donât want to kill each other, but the prospect of spending the rest of their lives in prison for televised manslaughter keeps them just shy of being lethal. A robot doesnât have those qualms. It just does what itâs programmed too, and if it ends up on a scrap heap, so be it. The arm without the basic questionable humanity of Dylan Black has no guiding principles.
Hawke: Zoran wide eyed â in fact one eye popping out of joint, as that arm flexes more!
Randy: This went over the line months ago, so they might not realize how dangerous this is â but itâs not wrestling.
Hawke: Can we get some officials out here to stop this?
The worst thing that EFSH could do was maybe cripple Zoran for life. This isnât his family visiting him in the hospital after a rough match. No, as the arm flexes tighter; this is Rosemary and Oliver visiting him at the morgue. This is no longer a wrestling match, and that has to be accepted.
Before completely resigning himself to his fate, however, Zoran yanks out a few of the wires at the severed base of the mechanical arm. This seems to do the trick, because even as it continues to flex in a death vice around his head â the hand reaches out, grabbing Steve Awesome by the Adamâs apple.
Metal fingers dig into soft tissue, and Steve too realizes the higher stakes of having his throat ripped out. This might just be the multitude of drugs running through his system talking, but he has things he needs to right.
The two men lay in their pile of glass, both at the mercy of the diabolical hand. The only question left is which will choose life?
Steve Awesome: JUST TELL THEM WHY YOU CAME AFTER ME, YOU STUPID MONSTER!
Zoran Sainovic: ADMIT YOU KNEW WHO I WAS YOU MISERABLE BASTARD!
The grip gets tighter.
Zoran Sainovic: ...When I first came after you, Steve... I knew who you were. It was ze reason I did... I knew because... my son likes you more zan me.
Steve Awesome: Well duh, kids love Shit Storm.
The arm releases its grip, letting both men slump back into the glass.
DING!! DING!! DING!!
Hawke: Wait, what?
Randy: HE DID IT! HE DID IT!
Hawke: New cha-
Randy: THAT GUY FOUND THE BELL!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match, and NEW X*Crown champion...STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE AWESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crowd chant Awesomeâs name! From out of the back, The BANG! Bros hit the ring to celebrate Steveâs success. Steve is in the ring surrounded by his friends as he grabs a mic. He stares at his newly won XCROWN CHAMPIONSHIP and tears build up in his eyes. Heâs still covered in blood.
Steve Awesome: I donât know if itâs the adrenaline, my feelings, or the damn truth serum ole wrinkly tits injected me withâŠbut I just gotta sayâŠ.â
He tears up again, Spike and Kanyon squeeze his shoulders in support.
Steve Awesome: I never imagined, when Zoran challenged the End of Days winner at Battle of Hegemony, the six months later Iâd be here holding the XCrown Championship above my head!
The crowd pop. A you deserve it chant starts up. Steve pounds his fist to his heart and mouths thank you to the crowd.
Steve Awesome: And you guys stuck by me and had my back through all of this. I just wanted to say I appreciate that.
He finds the hard cam and shows the belt off.
Steve Awesome: If your watching, this one is for you Lauren.
His music plays some more as he drops the mic and goes back to celebrating. Through all the celebrating, no one notices the hated beast that is... Dylanâs arm, crawling off with the PCW Primetime title.