WE COULDN'T CALL IT 'HEIL! ARNOLD' [CBB]
Aug 11, 2022 11:22:32 GMT -5
Robbie A, bloodiedfox, and 1 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Aug 11, 2022 11:22:32 GMT -5
INT. JABRONI’S HOUSE - DAY
OVER BLACK
TITLE: JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT WE WERE OUT…
EDMONDS is cut off. We move into the lounge and see that the Midnight Animals' promo is paused on-screen.
BLOBBY covers his partner’s mouth with his hand before removing it.
EDMONDS spots the camera crew and starts to address them.
In the background, BLOBBY can be seen chopping up the Papa Shango of all sherbert lines.
BLOBBY pulls down the poster for AL JABRONI’S war epic ‘They DO like it up them!’ and tears a strip off it to snort the Shaq Daddy of Sherbert in front of him.
EDMONDS seems distracted as a cameraman points to ask ‘what about Blobby?’.
BLOBBY has a machete that is currently trashing business cards collected from every event he ever attended. Malcolm Cresswell, Somerset’s most successful pest controller no longer has an intact card.
BLOBBY’s hearing perks up at the mention of acid.
BOJO enters.
BOJO seems alarmed at the word.
EDMONDS double-takes the former Prime Minister with a WTF look but he continues.
BLOBBY perks up at this.
At the mention of ‘old boy’ Edmonds eyes widen.
The camera zooms in on EDWARDS
OVER BLACK
TITLE: JUST WHEN WE THOUGHT WE WERE OUT…
NOEL EDMONDS (O.S)
QUINT!!!
MR BLOBBY
BLOBBY!!!
NOEL EDMONDS (O.S)
I said Quint, not cu-
BLOBBY covers his partner’s mouth with his hand before removing it.
EDMONDS spots the camera crew and starts to address them.
NOEL EDMONDS
Look, we’ve sat on the sidelines whilst the G1 has gone on and had to watch some of our less talented peers get booked show after show. How do you think that makes us feel? We’re former XHF Tag Team Champions! We’re serious business…
In the background, BLOBBY can be seen chopping up the Papa Shango of all sherbert lines.
NOEL EDMONDS
We’ve sat and watched as people forgot about us, they slept on us. Don’t let The Academy fool you, WE are the best tag-team in NLW…scratch that, WE are the best tag-team on the whole NETWORK!! We’re professionals…
BLOBBY pulls down the poster for AL JABRONI’S war epic ‘They DO like it up them!’ and tears a strip off it to snort the Shaq Daddy of Sherbert in front of him.
NOEL EDMONDS
We bring chaos, we bring destruction and we bring entertainment! For I, Noel Edmonds, was the KING of light-entertainment in Britain! I’ve done it on television, I’ve done it on radio and since being on the XHF Network I’ve proven I can do it on a global stage!
EDMONDS seems distracted as a cameraman points to ask ‘what about Blobby?’.
BLOBBY has a machete that is currently trashing business cards collected from every event he ever attended. Malcolm Cresswell, Somerset’s most successful pest controller no longer has an intact card.
NOEL EDMONDS
Blobby? He brings technical ability. I’ve told you this all before but here’s repeating once more. If Baba and Inoki had a grandkid…that kid would have a poster of Blobby on his wall! But what has it gotten us with BB Gunn? One title shot ever. Too busy concentrating on people who’ve come back from the dead or took their ball and went home. Where does that leave us? With Looney Tunes on acid.
BLOBBY’s hearing perks up at the mention of acid.
NOEL EDMONDS
Just how did these two even make it this far? Is it wrestling ability? God no. Is it charisma? Somewhere there is a PETA poster buried away in their archives that says that this team are the reason why eating meat isn’t that bad! As for their promo ability? Let me introduce my dear friend….Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson!
BOJO enters.
NOEL EDMONDS
Freed up from trying to get the bill I drafted to ban the Welsh language within the United Kingdom, he is perhaps the best person to point out the worst part about their arsenal - their promos. To put it bluntly, he is a master on plagiarism!
BOJO seems alarmed at the word.
BORIS JOHNSON
Well…I…uh…it was never really proven…was it? The Great British public entrusted me to get Brexit done and I did…uhhh…if you count slide-tackling a German in a charity soccer game….
NOEL EDMONDS
Quite…now the problem is when you decide to get in someone’s head by replaying them things they’ve heard before from Jaws or other movies. I’d have gotten the Kintner kid to speak on that particular one but he’s still in a bear’s stomach in GUNS thanks to Redmond Fury…What other infractions did we find?
BORIS JOHNSON
Uh, I, Doctor Who!
NOEL EDMONDS
How did we know about that? Did we watch it? No way. THAT is the worst thing to be on Saturday night prime-time in the UK, not a patch on my House Party. How did we find out about it?
BORIS JOHNSON
I…uh…I mean…well, we might have tapped everyone’s televisions and phones within the great nation of Britain…
NOEL EDMONDS
Exactly!
EDMONDS double-takes the former Prime Minister with a WTF look but he continues.
NOEL EDMONDS
That’s right! If there is one thing that Johnson knows more about than ripping off people’s work and presenting it as his own…it’s tapping phones…
BORIS JOHNSON
I, well, Piers Morgan was my protégé…
NOEL EDMONDS
Lads, be honest. Do you think your tape recorder shenanigans are a patch on what Blobby and I have done to be successful in the ring. I drank the pink bastard’s piss to get us where we are today!
BORIS JOHNSON
The only thing that I have deleted from the archive of gathered information.
NOEL EDMONDS
It’s that sordid that a man who only this year actually clarified the number in his issue finds it repugnant! Yet you think you have enough in the tank to beat us? You compared Blobby to Jaws and I’ll tell you now. He was furious!
MR BLOBBY
BLOB!
NOEL EDMONDS
That’s right, ask any of his conquests. His third go-around is NEVER in 3D…
MR BLOBBY (sadly)
Blo-Blooo
NOEL EDMONDS
Alright, Blobby. You do try to get Michael Caine to appear the fourth time you take a woman to bed.
BORIS JOHNSON
Look, do I get my money for this? My wife found out about the affairs…she’s expecting something big to make up for the loss of face.
NOEL EDMONDS
PAYMENT? Blobby snorted your payment two minutes ago! Just remind her that unlike a certain person in line for the throne, you don’t need bringing down a peg or two!
BORIS JOHNSON
Quite right, old boy.
At the mention of ‘old boy’ Edmonds eyes widen.
NOEL EDMONDS
Listen here, this match is going to be a reminder why Blob and I are at the top of our game and that our opponents want to take anything from this match then it’s this. I’ll even use Animal Farm as a reference point. Might even change a few words.
The camera zooms in on EDWARDS
NOEL EDMONDS
Some tag-teams are more equal than others!
