Post by Jonnie Valentine on Aug 12, 2022 4:41:06 GMT -5
Open up on a raucous crowd of Los Angelinos. Kids are wearing Lynx masks, fans are holding up signs like a heart shaped one that says “AVB SUX, But Call Me Tux!!” with a phone number on the bottom, “Poena, Say It Don’t Spray It”, “My Boy Kilroy”, “The Sheik Put My Mom Through A Table”, “5 Time Champion Syberus”, “The Only Person Who Hates AVB More Than Me Is His Partner”, and “Kill The Mouse”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Over 7,000 fans, Hardkore World’s biggest crowd since its rebirth!! Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to Hollywood!
Phillip Blauer: Ontario. We’re like 45 minutes from LA. Even farther from Hollywood.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do you know the rent Crypto Arena is charging these days?? No, we’re fine here at the Toyota Center. Plus, you can get out of here in less than three hours. Fans we have an exciting show here tonight, where we will decide the first Hardkore West Coast Champion since Bruno in 2012. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar, after his brutalizing of Andrew Karnage as well as Kilroy Evans, goes into a threeway dance with former Fireside World Champion Natalie Burrows and The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: One of these three men will represent the Best Coast, the land of swimming pools, movie stars, and weed store billboards. Oh, and you usually see guys from Dexter or Tru Blood at Whole Foods.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then it’s a tag team grudge match between Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus and his former Society of the New Breed partner Kilroy Evans taking on Alexander Von Blankenship and Marty Donovan. Syberus beat AVB in that thrilling tournament final that came down to the wire, and Kilroy prevented Marty from bashing Burrows’ vault, and now these four will try and solve their numerous differences. The advantage may be with Syberus and Kilroy, who have teamed together in the past. As we saw in Coachella, Alexander Von Blankenship and The Rising Sun didn’t have the smoothest match.
Phillip Blauer: It’s natural for two enigmatic talents like that to not mesh initially. Could Jimi Hendrix play lead guitar in The Rolling Stones? Could Urkel and Bill Cosby co-exist on a sitcom about an OBGYN who operates out of his basement and his curious assistant? Let us not forget that Kilroy and Syberus have also traded the Hardkore World Championship?
Guillermo O’Bannon: And may again in the future. Then Lynx takes on Poena, The Sanctified. This should be an excellent in-ring classic with both men coming off big wins at Palm Springs Punishment 2022.
After a few seconds of ”Taurus Shrine” (PSP Mix) by Ryota Koduka playing over the speakers, Ruben emerges onto the stage. Despite wearing his ring gear, he still has a parchment and quill in his hands that look tiny in his large hands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman made his debut in Coachella, easily dispatching of Randy Candy. Now he takes on former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Tuxedo Mask in the biggest test of his young career.
Once in the ring, Ruben slides under the bottom rope into the ring where he goes to wait in the corner. Is he thinking in metaphors for sick rhymes, or how to give his opponents bad times?
Phillip Blauer: Now I like this young chap. Ruben Bowmen comes from a long line of wrestling poets. Lanny Poffo, Raven, Joel Gertner, John Cena.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cena was more of a rapper, except most of the time they didn’t play his music and…no you’re right.
Richie Richardson eventually reminds him to remove his headwrap, determined not to let the chainmail be a trap for Tuxedo Mask so Ruben doesn't get a victory lap for free. So Ruben drops his fancy cap and waits to see who he's getting paid to bap.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Toyota Center in Los Angeles, California!”
Phillip Blauer: Ontario.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first…”
Ruben Bowman requests the microphone from Greg. Greg inquires, and Ruben whispers in Greg’s ear. Greg nods
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. Bowman would like your attention as he recites an original poem.”
Phillip Blauer: Oh, looks like we’re going to be treated to a little sonnet. How lovely.
The Los Angeles fans boo as Ruben Bowman takes the microphone. He takes a moment to look at what he’s written before he recites it, projecting it so even the people in the cheap seats can hear him.
Ruben Bowman: Tuxedo Mask will go around and give his fans a rose.
He likes to fly around the ring a lot on twinkle toes
The jeers get louder. Bowman smirks and continues, trying in vain to talk over the boos
Ruben Bowman: He cares so much of what you think and in your cheers he’ll bask...
But after I am done with him he'll need a second mask.
You’ll show me the respect I’m due, and when the night is through,
Tuxedo Mask will wish I’d gone on last, and so will you.
Eventually he gets frustrated with the boos he is getting from the Hardkore fans, eventually throwing his quill and parchment to the ground as he runs to the ropes to threaten the front row.
Phillip Blauer: I loved that, and I usually hate poetry that doesn’t have a line about Nantucket. Am I supposed to snap?
Bowman hands Greg Jin the house microphone back. Greg nods and then continues the introductions
Greg Jin: (ahem) “From Wherever the Muses Dictate; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall, and Weighing in at 275 pounds, He’s A Poet And He Damn Sure Knows It…RUBEN BOWMAN!!!”
The LA fans boo
Then “Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the fans jump to their feet. Tux walks to the left side of the ramp and soaks in the cheers. Then he walks to the right side, to see if they can get louder
Phillip Blauer: Haven’t we been divided enough?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask getting a huge ovation from the biggest crowd we’ve had in a while.
Tuxedo Mask cartwheels into a handspring into a flip down the ramp!! The audience roars with a thunderous roar
Phillip Blauer: Hachi machi, that’s loud.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask is one of the most beloved wrestlers in Hardkore World, Phil. Deal with it.
Phillip Blauer: As far as things I haven’t dealt with, this is far down the list.
Tuxedo Mask slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climb the turnbuckle for one last bit of adoration before preparing for the match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux is wrestling a man over a foot taller than him and outweighing him by 100 pounds. It’s not now until I see them in the ring together that I notice the huge difference.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Tokushima, Japan; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall, and Weighing in at 185 pounds, Hardkore World’s Resident Influencer…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
A huge ovation from the Toyota Center as Tuxedo Mask glares at Ruben Bowman
One Fall, 30 Minute Time Limit Match
Tuxedo Mask vs. Ruben Bowman
Greg Jin leaves the ring Richie Richardson signals for the bell.
Tuxedo Mask: Just to be clear, I didn’t appreciate your little poem.
The crowd pops and Ruben Bowman rolls his eyes and then shrugs
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask, showing composure as ever.
Tuxedo Mask and Ruben Bowman circle one another for a bit before locking up. Tuxedo Mask tries jockeying for position, but Bowman immediately throws him across the ring with a beal throw! Tuxedo Mask sits up in shock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman grabs a reverse chinlock. He locks those hands together and grinds those sculpted arms. Bowman cinches up on it, cutting off Tux’s air.
The fans boo as Bowman flattens out to put more pressure on the back of Tuxedo Mask’s neck. Richie Richardson checks in but Tux shakes his head, refusing to quit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bowman pulls Tux to his feet and irish whips him into the turnbuckles! The poet backs up and then charges in with a clothesline in the corner!
Ruben Bowman sits Tuxedo Mask on the top turnbuckle, but Tux slugs him in the temple and grabs a headlock. Tuxedo Mask jumps off the second rope with a tornado DDT that gets a booming cheer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask swings at Bowman with an enzuigiri, but the big man ducks! However, Tux swings back with a roundhouse kick that does catch him!
The crowd is at a fever pitch as Tuxedo Mask motions for Ruben Bowman to get to his feet. Tux handsprings into a huracanrana
…ONE!!
…Ruben Bowman kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask rolls to his feet and punches Ruben Bowman as hard as he can, and then turns around and shows the crowd his right hand…as Bowman just stands there! The Toyota Center tries to tell Tux about the danger behind him
Phillip Blauer: Tux is living his George McFly fantasy here to be sure.
Tuxedo Mask turns around into Ruben Bowman and gasps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman grabs Tuxedo Mask and easily lifts him into a vertical suplex. He bounces off the ropes and drops a leg across Tux’s head and chest!
…ONE!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bowman butterflies Tux’s arm and effortlessly flings him across the ring with a double underhook suplex!
The Toyota Center boos as Tuxedo Mask sits up with his back arched in pain. Ruben Bowman pulls Tuxedo Mask up and starts tattooing him with right hands, backing him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman smashes Tuxedo Mask with punches in the corner, and then irish whips him to the other side. He charges in with an avalanche!
Tuxedo Mask wilts against the turnbuckles and falls to his butt. Bowman pulls him to his feet, and leads him out of the corner, but Tux drops to a split and punches Ruben in the groin. The LA crowd roars as Bowman holds his fellas, and Tux smiles and nods at the camera while still in his split
Phillip Blauer: Why don’t we reward petty larceny while we’re at it? Or spitting on the street?
Ruben Bowman collapses on the second rope, holding his groin. Tuxedo Mask does a the phone gesture against his face and the fans cheer. Tux runs into the ropes and hits a 619 kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: The 213! An LA area code. Tuxedo Mask steps out on to the apron and slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope. He leaps off and catches Ruben Bowman with dragon rana!!
Phillip Blauer: Rhymin Simon on the defensive now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask twists Bowman’s arm and runs up the ropes. He tightrope walks on the top rope with Ruben’s twisted arm!
Phillip Blauer: I believe Tux was the first man under 350 pounds to accomplish such a feat. It defies explanation.
The fans applaud Tux’s balance and then jumps over Ruben into a la majistral cradle
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Ruben Bowman kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux irish whips him but Ruben hangs on and reverses it, shooting Tuxedo Mask into the ropes. He dips down for a backdrop and shoots Tux high up into the air!
The Toyota Center boos as Tuxedo Mask sits up in pain. Bowman pulls him up and then lifts Tux into a stalling vertical suplex. The jeers get louder as Ruben waves them on while still holding Tuxedo Mask in the air
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman finally drops Tux in that suplex.
Phillip Blauer: All the blood rushing to that head like that was surely a different experience for poor Tux.
Ruben Bowman motions for Tux to get up as the arena fills with boos. Tux gets up and stumbles into a beel throw across the ring but Tuxedo Mask lands on his feet with a flourish
Phillip Blauer: Show off.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask too busy preening and turns around into a running big boot by the 6’7 Bowman!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman pulls him up into a reverse waistlock, and hits a german but Tux easily flips over onto his feet! Ruben walks up and Tux punches him right in the mouth!
Ruben Bowman no-sells it and stares at Tux, who backs off, asking for calm. He shushes the crowd as their ominous groans build
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask really needs to take a women’s defense course and learn how to throw one of those.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman grabs Tux by the hair and hammers him with punch after punch, backing him into the ropes. He irish whips Tux, but Tux slides through Richie Richardson’s legs! Bowman goes for a lariat, but stops short when he sees the referee.
Phillip Blauer: Out of the way, Richie! Think of your trust fund!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, Tuxedo Mask hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into a springboard moonsault that takes out both Bowman and Richardson!!
The Los Angeles fans cheer wildly as Bowman crawls to the corner and tries to pull himself up by the bottom rope. Tuxedo Mask cartwheels into a handspring into a bronco buster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux Buster!
Phillip Blauer: Luckily for Tux, the referee is not awake to see the non consensual tea bagging, which is a felony here in the state of California.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Everyone knows what they sign up for when they wrestle Tuxedo Mask.
Phillip Blauer: The man is a poet! Trying to show us the beauty in the World, by way of beating men until they can no longer get up. Like Hemingway.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask pulls him up in the corner, and steps to the second turnbuckle, jumping off into a tornado DDT!
The impact sits Bowman up on his knees, and then he falls back down on his face. The fans pop as Tuxedo Mask climbs to the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux flips off the top turnbuckle with a corkscrew 450 splash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Ruben Bowman kicks out
Tuxedo Mask steps out onto the apron, and slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope. He leaps off with a springboard body press but Ruben Bowman catches him with his black hole slam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poetry In Motion!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
”Taurus Shrine” (PSP Mix) by Ryota Koduka plays and the Los Angeles fans boo. Ruben Bowman is sweating heavily as he raises his arm
Greg Jin: “At 11 minutes 2 second; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…RUBEN BOWMAN!!!”
Phillip Blauer: It does not appear Bowman’s ring gear does him any favors in this LA heat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Young Ruben Bowman gets another win under his belt with a big win over the former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Tuxedo Mask. He’s definitely one to watch as he begins his career here in Hardkore World.
Ruben Bowman obnoxiously bows to the jeering fans as he walks back up the walkway
"Long Walk Home" by Howl Trance plays and the crowd cheers as kids wearing Lynx masks run to the aisles. After a few moments Lynx walks out and slaps the fans’ hands, especially the children wearing his mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, fresh off his big win over Tuxedo Mask at Palm Springs Punishment 2022, to face an entirely different type of wrestler. Poena, The Sanctified. He feels Poena has glossed over his history and injuries when those have made him a stronger competitor. He says that Poena can do whatever he wants and Lynx will just keep getting up, until he has nothing left to throw at him. He says it is time for him to be the hero these kids look up to.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Sicily; Standing 6 feet 200 pounds; Weighing 200 pounds; The Italian Rapscallion…LYNX!!!”
The Toyota Center gives him a big pop.
Nisi per dolorem potest salvari...
Phillip Blauer: Has someone mic’d my inner thoughts again?
The lights go pitch back as the eerie bells and words fill the arena
Phillip Blauer: AH!! They’re coming for me! The shadows that dragged off Patrick Swayze’s friend in Ghost. One of Rocky Valentine Jr.’s lights must have dropped on my head and I’m not yet conscious of my fate to the horry netherworld! Curses! If only I had second chance, I would be thoughtful and kind. I would shed the vanity and earthly pleasures and commit myself to a life of religious and spiritual fulfillment!
Each time the choir sings, red spotlights blaze down, revealing Poena standing at the top of the ramp, a black silhouette with his arms raised out to the sides with his palms and face up to the heavens while the audience boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: Relax, Phil, It’s just Poena’s ring music.
Phillip Blauer: Oh my, I can’t…I can’t catch my breath.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here, drink some water.
Phillip Blauer: I’ll tell you the same thing I’ve told every woman who’s ever tried to woo the Blau Dog. These lips don’t touch anything that has touched the lips of an Irish.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …
As the music picks up the red spotlights stay on him as he lowers his arms and walks toward the ring holding his twisted rosary, made of teeth and bone with a dagger for a cross, in his hands as if praying as he walks down the ramp, his crazed smile breaking out into an even crazier grin as he does. The ringside fans flip him off as he stares past them to the ring
Phillip Blauer: (drinks his scotch and soda) And quit looking at me like that, people are going to think I just broke up with you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified put Jonnie Valentine’s wife out of wrestling at Palm Springs Punishment 2022, and now turns his sadism on the popular Lynx as he looks to spread his religion of suffering.
Phillip Blauer: In LA that’s just hot yoga.
Andy Valentine Jr. hits the rimshot on his drum kit just off camera
Phillip Blauer: I’m back, baby!
Poena stops and stares at Andy Valentine Jr. Andy puts his drumsticks down and quickly walks away and then He rolls into the ring as the spotlights turn to brightest white, going to his knees in the same pose he held on the ramp with the rosary clenched in his right hand, whispering a silent prayer to himself and yelling “REPENT!” to the heavens before smirking at the Toyota Center and getting up to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified has invited Lynx to come to his altar, the ring, and is threatening to turn it into his own personal torture device.
Phillip Blauer: Quite a departure from “We’ll see who’s the tougher man at the Omni on Friday night, kids get in for a dollar.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena is hoping to spread the gospel of his ghoulish faith here tonight with another win, and is calling Lynx a lamb to slaughter for that cause.
Phillip Blauer: I also see he might have had an actual hostage. We should maybe forward that clip to the authorities. Give the family some closure.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from The Ninth Deep; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 190 pounds; The Pitless Prophet…POENA, THE SANCTIFIED!!!”
The Los Angeles fans boo loudly as Poena mutters to himself with his eyes closed
One Fall, 30 Minute Time Limit
Lynx vs. Poena, The Sanctified
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. Poena and Lynx lock up in a collar and elbow tie up, and then Lynx grabs a side headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx locks those arms together and torques Poena’s head to the side. Poena attempts to push him off into the ropes, but Lynx hangs onto the headlock.
While still in the headlock, Poena grabs Lynx’s ankle and bends his leg behind his thigh, then lifts him up into a legbreaker atomic drop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified whacks Lynx in the shin with a stiff kick, and then basement dropkicks his kneecap to take him off his feet.
Poena grabs Lynx’s ankles, spread eagle, and then twists into a grounded dragon screw, wrenching Lynx’s knee to the side. Poena grabs him by the leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena plants his feet and cranks back on Lynx’s leg, trying to hyperextend his knee. Now he stands up a little so that he can crank it to the side to cause more pain.
Phillip Blauer: Well, that’s federally protected since that is his religion.
The crowd boos and then a high pitched chant of “Let's Go Lynx!” from the kids starts up and then their parents join in with a full throated “LET’S GO LYNX!” Lynx feeds off their energy, and tucks his head and rolls through the single leg crab, but Poena hangs onto his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx hopping on one leg swings around with an enzuigiri kick to the back of Poena’s head!
The Toyota Center erupts and Lynx takes a few moments to clutch his leg. He pulls Poena up into a front facelock and then snap suplexes him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena gets to his knees only to get tagged in the side of the head with a shining wizard!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” Lynx irish whips Poena into the ropes and then takes him out with an expertly timed jumping roundhouse kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx pulls Poena up into a rear waistlock, then goes for a german but Poena lands on his feet behind him! Poena clips Lynx’s knee from behind
The cheers turn to jeers as Lynx crumples to the mat holding his knee. Poena smiles as the boos grow louder and louder, and then stomps the back of Lynx’s knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s the same knee Lynx injured in NPW, that Poena seems to be particularly targeting. Poena now hops up and stomps both of Lynx’s legs with a double stomp.
Poena rolls Lynx over and kneedrops the side of his knee. Lynx howls in pain, and rolls to his side, holding his leg. The children in the crowd start up another “Let's Go Lynx!” chant, while Poena shakes his head at them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena lifts Lynx’s leg up while the masked man is on his hands and knees and wrenches him with an inverted dragon screw. He pulls Lynx up by the mask and irish whips him into the turnbuckles. Poena follows him in with a discus lariat in the corner!
Lynx melts in the corner, but Poena pulls him back up and shoots him into the opposite corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena charges in but Lynx cuts him off with a roundhouse kick!
The Toyota Center rocks with cheers and Lynx motions for Poena to get up. He double underhook Poena’s arms, and tosses him across the ring in a butterfly suplex! Poena sits up in pain as Lynx is ready to pounce
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified gets up only to be dropkicked back to the mat.
The Los Angeles fans chant “Let's Go Lynx!” as he limps through the ropes out onto the apron, waiting for Poena to stand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx springboards into a knee that catches Poena right between the eyes!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Poena kicks out!
Poena backing off now as Lynx feeds off the roaring crowd! Lynx pulls him up and hammers Poena with punches backing him into the ropes
Phillip Blauer: Kitty’s got claws!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx shoots Poena into the ropes and spins with a superkick, but Poena docks underneath it and dumps Lynx on his head with a snap backdrop driver!
A hush goes over the crowd as Lynx sits up and falls back down from from the impact. Poena rolls him over onto his stomach and ties up their ankles and calves into a half surfboard, and then just stomps both of his knees into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx gets up on his aching knees, but Poena catches him around the neck with his legs with a headache huracanrana!
The kids start chanting “Poena Sucks!” then the adults chime in with “POENA SUCKS!” Poena mockingly puts his hands over his ears, then applies an over the shoulder single leg boston crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena pulls down on Lynx’s foot, bending his spine while stretching Lynx’s knee to it’s limits. Kelly O’Connell checking in for the submission.
Lynx shakes his head, refusing to give up. He crawls over and grabs the bottom rope, and Kelly O’Connell forces Poena to break the over the shoulder single leg boston crab, which he does begrudgingly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena hammers the back of Lynx’s head with elbows, and then a disrespectful slap to the back of the head.
The audience lets out a thunderous heel pop for Poena who gets up and challenges them to get into the ring and do something about it
Phillip Blauer: Hard to believe this man was once an icon for these children in that Hawaiian cartoon they show at the picture show.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I believe you’re thinking of Moana, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: Sad to see. Where did it all go wrong for this once invincible force at the box office?
Kelly O’Connell admonishes Poena for the unclean break but Lynx grabs Poena from behind with a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon Tiger suplex from Lynx!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Poena gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena rolls out to the floor but Lynx is on fire! Lynx hobbles out to the apron, and hops onto the middle of the second rope, backflipping into an asai moonsault that smacks Poena into the railing!!
The fans chant “LYNX! LYNX! LYNX!” as both men lie on the Toyota Center floor, trying to catch their breath. Kids in the front row reach their arms out to pat Lynx’s shoulders. He slowly gets to his feet, and pulls Poena up into an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reverse DDT by Lynx on the concrete!! He gingerly steps back up onto the apron and waits for Poena. Lynx with a springboard spinning heel kick that knocks Poena over the railing into the audience!!
The Toyota Center gives loud approval as Poena lies amongst the beer cups and chairs in the front row. Lynx steps over the railing and cautions the young children gathering around him to give him room
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx kicks Poena in the stomach, and then backs up and gives him a running DDT, but Poena blocks it, and backdrops Lynx onto the floor!
Lynx rolls around in the second row, holding the small of his back. Poena takes a few moments to recover, then pulls him up by the mask to his feet. He cracks Lynx with a few elbows to back him into the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena shortarm lariots Lynx over the security rail back into the ringside area here.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, there they are. I’ve been looking in a totally different direction. But that turned out to be a drunken brawl stemming from the minor inconveniences of attending a live event that is common here in Los Angeles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena hooks Lynx’s ankle and lifts him up onto his shoulder, driving Lynx’s knee into the steel ringpost with a legbreaker!
The Toyota Center thunders with boos as Poena rolls Lynx back into the ring. He grabs Lynx’s leg and drops back into a kneebar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena smelling blood here and may be going for the kill. He wrenches back on Lynx’s trapped leg, with his knee pressing Lynx’s knee to the side for an excruciating submission maneuver.
The camera catches kids urging Lynx to hang on while he holds his mask in pain in frustration. He shakes his head when Kelly O’Connell asks him if he wants to tap out repeatedly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified rocks back on that injured leg, trying to end this match, but he pokes his head too far out and Lynx is able to land a kick that catches him clean. A second kick gets Lynx out of the kneebar, but he is much worse for wear.
Poena staggers up and pulls Poena up by the mask. He scoops him up, but Lynx lands on his feet behind him in a three quarter nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wrist clutch exploder that drops Poena, The Sanctified on his noggin!!
The arena is shaking from the screaming kids and moms, rooting a labored Lynx to get onto his good wheel. He pumps his fists as they feed his strength and recovery. Lynx irish whips Poena into the ropes and cartwheels into a kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx butterflies Poena’s arms and flips him into a tiger driver!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Poena claps his legs together on Lynx’s head
Lynx goes to the outside and slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope, but as he pushes off his knee buckles, and he lands awkwardly on his feet in the ring. Poena blows his turquoise mist into Lynx’s eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh no, Amazing Grace!
Phillip Blauer: Ahhhh!! Some of it got on my jacket!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena hooks the blinded Lynx with a front facelock and hooks his leg, he lifts him up into his crosslegged kneebreaker brainbuster!! Anathema!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Malleus Maleficarum” by Peter Gundry plays and Poena stands right up, staring down at Lynx
Guillermo O’Bannon: Once again, divine intervention, and that mist, helps Poena, The Sanctified defeat another foe on his rise to the top in Hardkore World.
Greg Jin: “At 15 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…POENA, THE SANCTIFIED!!!”
The fans howl with boos as Poena, The Sanctified, who rips his hand away from Kelly O’Connell and raises his own hand
Phillip Blauer: Is it poisonous? Am I gonna die?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably.
Phillip Blauer: If only I had second chance, I would be thoughtful and kind. I would shed the vanity and earthly pleasures and commit myself to a life of religious and spiritual fulfillment!
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A few seconds of silence and then the director speaks up
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A graphic comes up of Pet Dispensary in the Pet Cemetery font. Fade to a nebbish looking man in a sweater and glasses
Satisfied Customer: There've been some break ins in my neighborhood, but I do not believe in guns. I decided I needed a companion and I also do not support puppy mills, so I got a rescue. He’s a rottweiler named…Mephistopheles. In his previous forever home, he was the only thing left standing after that infamous explosion at the meth lab in Desert Hot Springs.
Cut to the file footage of Desert Hot Springs police holding Mephistopheles at bay by gunpoint
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The Pet Dispensary graphic returns
Los Angles is just a ran down dump, but that is way more than I can say for the Hardkore World. Couldn't be bothered to put this company on the map and book a World Title match at Night of Champions. That bothered me enough for me to show up and at least make my face seen at the biggest global event of the year. I did what I have been doing since this company reopened. I put it on my back, strapped it the fuck down, and did everything I can to make it better than it was yesterday. Give it, and myself a little more exposure to the masses. I showed up at Night of Champions, popped into the Main Event, and raised the level of the entire event.
Just like I will again tonight. I will single-handedly raise the bar of what it means to be Hardkore. I don't need Marty and his Mousecapades. Marty needs me because without me he would be just another hack with a sloppy stick, in a company that would die without me. Your piss poor excuse for a Champion needs me, to make his reign relevant, to give the idea that there is an actual hunt for the title. Your win over me was tainted. You know it, I know it, and the rest of the XHF Network knows it.
Tonight the building of a legend continues, I will show not only the XHF Network but the entire world what it's like to be truly Blessed.
A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
The Toyota Center rocks with boos. After several moments, AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. He holds his arms out, soaking in the absolute vitriol coming from the fans. He mouths "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s the start of our double main event, Alexander Von Blankenship teams with Disney’s Marty Donvan to take on the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus and Kilroy Evans. Syberus have been both opponents and partners, but Von Blankenship and Donovan had a match a few weeks back in Coachella where the results were mixed.
Phillip Blauer: Pish posh, that happens with all Dream Teams, my boy. The 2004 US Olympic basketball team, the Lakers, the Yankees, Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake, and Greg Valentine and Dino Bravo. It always boils down to who can be a utility guy amongst peacocks?
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
AVB slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes. One guy leans over the railing, flipping off Von Blankenship. AVB stops and stares at him, then smirks in his face, then continues to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship held a press conference to announce that he has a back injury from carrying the Hardkore World roster.
Phillip Blauer: The man is considered day to day.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB proposed a rematch at XHF Night of Champions in Oakland, but Hardkore World management didn’t grant that request, and he blames Syberus for that.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave '
Cause I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
A fan holds up a “Rat Boy” sign that Von Blankenship grabs out of his hand, and tears it in half. AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside. He gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: When Kilroy and Alexander Von Blankenship had their match in San Diego, Kilroy spilled AVB’s blood. Rumor has it, Alexander got pretty upset about it backstage afterwards. But he sells alot of merch, and he thinks that entitles him to call the shots around here.
Phillip Blauer: Having a t-shirt that moves units is like having the conch shell in the Lord of the Flies that is Hardkore World.
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, Alexander Von Blankenship has not exactly seemed enamored with his partner, calling him King of the Gimmick Matches. Their miscommunications did them no favors in Coachella against Hard & Steel.
Phillip Blauer: You play to your competition. No need to get into a tizzy about Hard & Steel. (folds his arms) I refuse to.
“When You Wish Upon A Star” by Jiminy Cricket plays and the Toyota Center rocks with boos. Marty Donovan walks out dressed as Gorr the God Butcher from Thor: Love and Thunder and is clearly offended by the reaction
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty seems to have expected a warmer welcome from being so close to Anaheim.
Phillip Blauer: LA Fun Fact! Everyone secretly hates you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan is vexed by the fact that he has never beaten Syberus. They have wrestled on two occasions, and Marty has never been able to get the win.
Marty Donovan heads down to the ring and makes eye contact with Alexander Von Blankenship. Donovan sighs, and flips his head towards him. AVB politely returns the nod
Phillip Blauer: I would hazard a guess these two skipped the pre-show pow-wow on strategy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan is on record as saying that he’s aware of AVB’s accomplishments in his young career but he views him as a liability, and is proclaiming he won’t tag him in to this match.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure the Killer Bees had a night like that too. It happens.
Greg Jin: “The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first; from the Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet tall and Weighing 200 pounds; The Official Wrestler of She-Hulk: Attorney At Law, Premiering On August 17th On Disney Plus…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
The fans boo loudly. Marty Donovan signals to Alexander Von Blankenship, “that’s how you do it.” AVB nods and motions for Marty to wait for his introduction
Greg Jin: “His partner is from the city where I became a man, Amsterdam, Netherlands!”
Phillip Blauer: Greg has told me this story, and it is a fairy tale.
Greg Jin: “Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall and Weighing 215 pounds; Your Grace; Always Very Blessed…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
The Toyota Center rocks with boos and AVB just stares at Marty Donovan unnervingly. He points to his earlobe and asks if Donovan can hear the monster heel pop. Marty Donovan blows him off and drops his Gorr cloak to reveal a tight bikini speedo. Then he starts loosening the ropes
Phillip Blauer: Thank God Marty is finally loosening those ropes. They nearly cut Lynx’s head off; they're so tight.
"Rock Club" by Family Jules plays and the audience jumps to their feet! Kilroy Evans walks out in a Pod People MST 3000 t-shirt with the music producer who says “It Stinks!” He walks to the ring at a relaxed pace, slapping hands with fans and taking selfies with them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans is pretty unsure of his partner Syberus’ intentions. They’ve been both partners and traded the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship that Syberus currently holds, and it clearly is in the back of his mind.
Phillip Blauer: Or in the front of his mind. What am I saying? That’s usually whatever chicken sandwich is currently the spiciest.
Kilroy points out the signs that say “AVB SUX, But Call Me Tux!!” with a phone number on the bottom, “5 Time Champion Syberus”, and “The Only Person Who Hates AVB More Than Me Is His Partner”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has assured Kilroy that he doesn’t plan to betray Kilroy, but his career history gives one pause.
Kilroy Evans walks into the ring, smiling at Alexander Von Blankenship.
Then the lights cut out and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens. "Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd reach their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open to reveal the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage. The Great Syberus takes a brief look around at the crowd before heading down the ramp
Guillermo O’Bannon: The first time 5 time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion gets two of his contenders in one match, but his partner is the guy who dropped him with The Bad Touch in Coachella.
Once up the ring steps, Syberus acknowledges Kilroy while wiping his feet on the apron. He steps through the ropes and circles the ring for a second before hopping up in one corner and raising both fists in the air
Greg Jin: “And their opponents; Featuring first, from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches; Weighing 245 pounds; The World’s Most Huggable Wrestler, Professional Wrestling’s Uncool Uncle…KILROY EVANS!! His partner is from Manchester; England; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 220 pounds; 110%; The Five Time HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!”
The Los Angeles fans let out a loud pop for Syberus and and Kilroy Evans while Syberus holds up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Tag Team Match, 30 Minute Time Limit
The Great Syberus & Kilroy Evans
vs.
Disney's Marty Donovan & Alexander Von Blankenship
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell while Greg Jin, Alexander Von Blankenship, and Kilroy Evans leave the ring. Syberus and Disney’s Marty Donvovan lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs a side headlock. He locks his forearm across the temple of Marty Donovan. Marty pulls Syberus’ ponytail back.
The fans boo as Tommy Milligan admonishes Marty Donovan for the hair pull. Tommy starts the five count, so Marty eventually releases Syberus’ hair. Syberus reapplies the headlock and torques the head and neck of Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan tries to push the 5 time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion off into the ropes, but Syberus hangs on to the headlock. Donovan begins to fight out of it with a wristlock.
The audience applauds as Donovan and Syberus engage in a test of strength. The two jockey for position with Marty getting the upper hand. The fans begin to boo, before Syberus pulls Donovan’s hair and reapplies the headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus plants his feet and flips Donovan over onto his back with a side headlock takedown.
Tommy Milligan lays down on the mat chest first to check in with Marty Donovan as Syberus grinds that on the mat headlock. Syberus rolls Donovan’s shoulders onto the mat
…ONE!
…Marty Donovan rolls Syberus into a cradle!
…ONE!
…Syberus rolls back into a side headlock
Marty Donovan works back up to his feet with Syberus still applying a headlock. Donovan starts talking to Syberus
Marty Donovan: Did you know that Lego Star Wars Summer Vacation is already streaming? Finn encounters three Force ghosts: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, and Leia Organa, who each share their own unexpected stories of vacations gone wrong,
The Great Syberus clamps down harder on the side headlock while the Los Angeles fans begin to boo the inaction
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Syberus was in Los Angeles was in August of 2008, when he and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson used their title shot from winning the Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup to defeat The Fists of Blood in a steel cage match for the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships.
Marty Donovan: It helps Finn to understand that holidays are about more than just having fun.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus pulls him down into a front headlock. He clamps down on Donovan’s head and neck, while peeling back on his head.
Some pockets of the audience chants “Boring!” Tommy Milligan checks in but Marty refuses to give up. Disney’s Marty Donovan pulls Syberus’ legs up into an inverted atomic drop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan runs into the ropes, tucks and tumbles into a roll, then takes Syberus out with a rolling wheel kick!
The fans boo. Donovan pulls him up into a front facelock, and then rolls Syberus into a neckbreaker! Marty sits up to soak in the boos while Alexander Von Blankenship reaches out for a tag. Donovan looks at the camera and shakes his head, while AVB rolls his eyes and rescinds his hand
Phillip Blauer: Marty will not tag in Von Blankenship. I don’t think he liked AVB showing him up in local hatred.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Disney’s Marty Donovan was in LA was in August of 2008 when he lost to the late Adrian Tanner Jr. in a barbed wire match for the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship. Donovan irish whips Syberus into the ropes and nails him between the eyes with a flying forearm!
The Toyota Center jeers as Syberus reaches out for a tag from Kilroy Evans
Kilroy Evans: OK, I can take it. When are you going to turn on me?
Syberus shakes his head and crawls towards Kilroy Evans who has his hand out. Marty Donovan cuts him off and applies an abdominal stretch to Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus plants his feet and hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch! He catches an oncoming Marty Donovan with an arm drag. And another deep arm drag.
Syberus flips Marty into his corner with an ipponzei judo throw and tags in Kilroy, who comes in and quickly scoops Donovan up into a shoulderbreaker. Kilroy then turns to Syberus in the corner
Kilroy Evans: I just want you to be honest. Is it now? Is it later on?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans flips Marty over into a snap mare. He pulls Marty up and irish whips him into the ropes, taking him out with a roundhouse kick!
The audience cheers Kilroy! Kilroy Evans gut wrench suplexes Marty across the ring.Marty sits up but Kilroy steps over the back of his neck and starts pulling up on Donovan’s ankles and feet with a stump puller
Kilroy Evans: Look, I just don't get it. Disney owns 'Dave The Barbarian!' If they're not gonna put it on DVD ever at all, why not put it on streaming?!
Marty Donovan: Ahh! Argh! The…The ratings don’t justify that.
Phillip Blauer: What is Kilroy talking about?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was a cartoon on Disney Channel about a barbarian named Dave, and…
Phillip Blauer: For pete’s sake, don’t actually tell me what he’s talking about.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulling up on those ankles of Marty Donovan, putting pressure on the back of his neck. Last time Kilroy wrestled in LA was in August of 2008, when he defeated Poke the Clown in a thumbtacks match for the Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I do miss Poke the Clown.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What do you think he’s doing right now?
Phillip Blauer: Time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, yeah. Yup. Anyway, Kilroy pulls Marty to his feet and starts laying in some stiff punches. Marty tries to kick him in the stomach, but Kilroy catches his leg.
The Toyota Center pops as Marty hops on one leg
Kilroy Evans: Are you telling me the Aladdin series wouldn't do numbers on nostalgia alone? It was a fun show, where is it?
Disney’s Marty Donovan swings around with an enzuigiri to the back of the head! The arena quiets and Donovan puts his hands over his eyes like he’s riding a flying carpet to the boos of the crowd
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy Evans maybe not as focused as he usually is. He suspects his partner Syberus of being secretly planning to betray him, and he’s trying to get his customer service questions answered by his in-ring opponent.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s just so hard to talk to an actual person, this could be his only shot.
Alexander Von Blankenship puts his hand out. Marty Donovan looks at him and seems to consider tagging AVB in
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan seems to be hesitant to tag in his own partner, this is just ridiculous.
Phillip Blauer: If it ain’t broke!
Donovan shrugs Von Blankenship off and shoots Kilroy into the ropes before hitting a hurricanrana! ! He sits up and soaks in the jeers, then yells
Marty Donovan: I LOVE DISNEY PLUS!!!
The boos get louder and AVB shakes his head in the corner, holding the tag rope. Marty Donovan pulls Kilroy up into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon suplex by Marty!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty moves in, but Kilroy trips him with a drop toehold. He pulls Donovan up into a headlock, and then runs across the ring with a bulldog!
The fans cheer and Kilroy tags in Syberus. Syberus pulls down his kneepad, while Kilroy holds Marty’s arm out, while he’s on his still on his belly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Muscle Killer kneedrop to the back of Marty’s elbow!
Marty snatches back his arm under his stomach and kicks his toes into the mat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I bet he’s regretting not tagging in Alexander Von Blankenship when he had a chance.
Phillip Blauer: We in the Disney family don’t look over our shoulder at what we should have done. As the great Disney movie, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory once said “We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That wasn’t a Disney movie.
Phillip Blauer: Not yet, but we are also the yawning black hole of intellectual property.
Phil plays a little flute. Syberus rolls Donovan onto his back, and sits both his knees on Marty’s stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus now grinding his forearm into Marty’s face and mouth, trying to break his nose, and not allowing him to get any new air.
Phillip Blauer: Classic English wrestling style in which I mean it seems dickish.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion pulls him into the corner and drapes his arm over the top rope. He steps to the outside and drops to the floor with Marty’s arm, wrenching it over the top rope!
Marty yelps in pain, and then starts crawling towards Alexander Von Blankenship who smugly smiles. He only slightly presents his hand for a tag
Phillip Blauer: Alligator arms, classic power move.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus back into the ring and snaps Marty back with a russian legsweep! He uses the momentum to roll on top of him, with his chest smothering Donovan’s face
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs another headlock. He locks his hands together and tries to twist Marty’s head like a bottle cap.
Marty Donovan lifts Syberus up into an atomic drop, and sets the balls of his feet on the top rope, then turns around into a neck hung neckbreaker! The fans boo and Marty starts crawling over to Alexander Von Blankenship
Guillermo O’Bannon: It appears Marty has reconsidered his handicap match policy he had prior.
Phillip Blauer: But will Von Blankenship accept this change in policy?
AVB rolls his eyes and tags in, then hits Syberus as he’s getting up with a flurry of punches
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus and Von Blankenship finally get their hands on each other! Syberus tries to answer with a kick but AVB catches it and dragon screw legwhips him to the ground.
The Toyota Center boos. Alexander Von Blankenship holds the ropes for balance and then stomps Syberus’ leg and knee over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship hooks Syberus up and snap suplexes him hard to the mat. He gets on top of Syberus and begins pummeling him with punches
Alexander Von Blankenship: Where were you at Night of Champions?? Where’s my title shot?
The fans jeer and boo, AVB looks at them, and then starts punching Syberus some more. Kilroy demands Tommy Milligan force AVB to stop using closed fists, which Tommy tries without success
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB pulls him up by the hair, but Syberus basement dropkicks him in the knee. He grabs Von Blankenship in a full nelson and then sits out into a bubba bomb!
The LA fans cheer and Syberus tags in Kilroy Evans. Kilroy drop toeholds AVB’s throat on the second rope, and Syberus comes off the ropes and hits the back of Von Blankenship’s head with his legs with a sit out leg lariot
Guillermo O’Bannon: You have to admit, the former Society of the New Breed stablemates are operating a much more cohesive unit as a team.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t have to admit a damn thing. I have attorneys for such a thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dorothy…
Phillip Blauer: Dorothy has attorneys for such a thing.
Kilroy Evans turns his back to Syberus and looks over his shoulder to see if his partner going to turn on him
Syberus: Just wrestle!
Kilroy Evans: Alright, we'll circle back around to this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans shoots AVB into the ropes and flips him across the ring with a belly to belly suplex!
The Toyota Center pops as Von Blankenship sits up from the pain, he asks for a timeout as Kilroy Evans moves in for the kill. He goes to irish whip again, but hangs onto his hand and pulls him into a shortarm headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shake Hands with Danger!
Phillip Blauer: Sounds like what they call masturbating in Australia.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans smashes his face into the mat with an inverted russian legsweep!
Alexander Von Blankenship begs for mercy, and Kilroy looks to the crowd to see if he should give him any. The LA crowd says “NO!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: When Kilroy bends down, AVB pokes him in the eye. Von Blankenship smashes him with a right hand and then whacks him with a blistering chop
Von Blankenship tears open Kilroy’s Pod People t-shirt and smacks him with another chop so hard it rings through the Toyota Center. He backs Kilroy into the ropes with a third chop and then irish whips him into the other side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Spinebuster by AVB! He tags in Disney’s Marty Donovan and then when Kilroy gets up he kicks Evans in the balls!
The Toyota Center rocks with boos and Marty steps up onto the second turnbuckle, then points to Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Panama sunrise…
Phillip Blauer: Actually that’s the Costa Pacifica Sunrise now.
Phil points back at Marty, who does the double guns. Donovan irish whips Kilroy into the corner and follows him in a step behind with a dropkick! Donovan sweeps Kilroy’s legs out from under him with a kick, then steps through the ropes out on to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan slingshots over the ropes into a corner dropkick that nearly caves in Kilroy’s chest!
The fans boo and Marty smiles at Syberus standing in the corner. He stands up and does the belt motion around his waist and the jeers get louder. He grabs Kilroy in a side headlock and then takes him down into a puma blanca submission
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty pulls back on Kilroy’s bent arm while clamping down on his head with the leg scissors.
Marty Donovan: Don’t forget to check out the premiere of I Am Groot!
Tommy Milligan checks in with Kilroy Evans, who refuses to give up. Syberus reaches out for the tag while the Los Angeles fans clap faster and faster to root Kilroy on
Marty Donovan: The mischievous toddler Baby Groot learns how to grow up…(cranks back on Kilroy’s arm) amongst the trouble in the stars… (leans back while tightening his vice-like grip around Kilroy’s neck) along with the help of his friends and family in the ragtag superhero team the Guardians of the Galaxy!
Phillip Blauer: Marty has recently thrown his hat into the world of automobile racing, entering CAR. No long is stock car racing just for beer bellied hay seed bumper stick enthusiasts with farmer tans. It’s for Marty as well.
Kilroy is able to hook his leg around the bottom rope and Tommy Milligan calls for Marty Donovan to break the puma blanca
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan tags Alexander Von Blankenship back in, who scoops him up into and then tosses him across the ring with a fallaway slam!
The audience boos as AVB kips back up to his feet. Kilroy starts trying to crawl over and tag in Syberus, but AVB cuts him off with a stomp. He pulls Evans up into a front facelock, and then rolls him into a swinging neckbreaker! Kilroy sits up, clutching the back of his neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship rakes his nails across the eyes of Kilroy, trying to blind him!
The jeers get louder and louder and a chant of “FUCK AVB! FUCK AVB! FUCK AVB!” rings through the Toyota Center. A blinded Kilroy stands to his feet and walks right into a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans starts biting AVB’s nose!
Phillip Blauer: Leaping lizards! Would Tommy get control of this thing??
The Toyota Center is deafening as Kilroy is now on his feet, while AVB runs in place from the pain of Kilroy sinking his teeth into Von Blankenship’s nose
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy drops down into a jawbreaker!
Kilroy dives over and tags in The Great Syberus to a huge pop! He runs into the ring and rakes AVB’s eyes to see how he likes it
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Eye Rake From Hell! He ties AVB’s arms in the ropes and begins smashing him in the face with elbows!
Disney’s Marty Donovan runs into the ring to help his partner, but Syberus cuts him off with a kick to the shin, then the knee, and then smashes his face into the turnbuckle so hard Marty bounces back and rolls out of the ring. But it gives Tommy Milligan enough time to free AVB from the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus turns around into a slap by AVB!
The fans let out a collective “OH!” and Syberus turns his cheek.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pulled this same stunt at Palm Springs Punishment 2022 and…
The Great Syberus looks back at Von Blankenship with fire in his eyes, as AVB begs off, asking Syberus to calm down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus lets loose on Alexander Von Blankenship with right hands, peppering him in the face with those stiff punches. He grabs AVB’s fingers and twists them back!
Alexander Von Blankenship howls in pain while Tommy Milligan begs Syberus to stop. He grabs AVB in an inverted facelock and drops down into a reverse DDT, then applies a cross armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pulls up on that arm of AVB, trying to rip it out of it’s socket. AVB refuses to tap out to Milligan, and finally is able to poke Syberus’ eyes with his free arm.
Alexander Von Blankenship shakes some feeling into his arm and slowly gets back to his feet. Hes able to pulls Syberus into a double underhook and lifts him and twists into an angel’s wings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Purification!
The fans boo and AVB rolls over and tags in Disney’s Marty Donovan. Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle and flips into a 450 splash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ode to Romero!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Marty Donovan pulls Syberus up in an inverted facelock, and then lifts him up into Inverted suplex into a snapping backwards DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Better Than Cobryn!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
The fans boo as Disney’s Marty Donovan makes the restaurant check signal and makes an arrogant cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty jumps onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai DDT, but The Great Syberus rolls out of it into diamond cutter!
The audience comes to life as both men lie there and Kilroy Evans and Alexander Von Blankenship reach their hands out for tags
Kilroy Evans: Oh! Bad Touch! You did my move! That’s foreshadowing! Definite foreshadowing!
Disney’s Marty Donovan crawls over for a tag but Syberus jumps on his back with a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan locked in the European Three Quarter Nelson! Syberus pushes down on the back of his neck while cinching up on Marty’s chicken winged arm.
Tommy Milligan checks in to see if he wants to quit, but Marty keeps shouting “No!” Alexander Von Blankenship runs in and stomps Syberus to break up the the European Three Quarter Nelson, and now here is Kilroy Evans!
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now here is Kilroy Evans with a spear to AVB!
The crowd roars as all four men are in the ring and Syberus reapplies a standing European Three Quarter Nelson, and Tommy Milligan goes back to looking for the tap out. Kilroy motions for AVB to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans with The Bad Touch, but Alexander Von Blankenship pushes off into the ropes and clocks Kilroy with his Baptism superman punch!
The fans boo as Kilroy rolls to the floor. Alexander Von Blankenship turns around and stomps Syberus in the back of the knee which allows Donovan to escape the European Three Quarter Nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan holds Syberus in a full nelson for Alexander Von Blankenship.
The noise grows as AVB says “You ain’t champ!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This time Syberus is able to slip out of the fell nelson and Alexander Von Blankenship accidentally slaps his own partner Marty!
Huge pop as Marty Donovan stares at Alexander Von Blankenship. AVB tries to explain to that he didn’t mean to hit him as Marty slowly walks towards him
Phillip Blauer: Marty took a real chance tagging this kid in and this is how he repays him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB is fresh out of friends!
Syberus runs off the ropes to AVB, but Marty Donovan cuts him off with a sky high flapjack into the air, and then AVB catches him by the hair on the way down and smashes his face into the mat!! The crowd buzzes with confusion
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, wha- How did they patch that up so quick?
Alexander Von Blankenship holds Syberus by the hair while Marty Donovan hits the ropes and caves his face in with a v-trigger knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Dis-Knee!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The Toyota Center is deafening with boos as “Blessed Up” by Wande plays
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes 40 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN AND ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan and AVB now continuing to stomp and kick the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion after the bell! Suddenly they’re working as a pretty cohesive unit.
Phillip Blauer: Sometimes it takes a while to gel.
The bell rings over and over as Kilroy Evans rolls back into the ring. He charges Von Blankenship and Donovan but Donovan throws him up into their sky high flapjack with a hairpull bulldog that they just used on Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship and Syberus now putting the boots to Kilroy Evans! Marty holding Kilroy for AVB as he comes off the ropes with another Baptism!
Marty pulls Kilroy up and Alexander Von Blankenship gets underneath him, lifting Evans up on his shoulders into his burning hammer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Omnipotence on Kilroy Evans!!
The Los Angeles crowd boos and toss trash into the ring at Alexander Von Blankenship and Marty Donovan, who welcome their hate. The fans chant “MARTY SUCKS! MARTY SUCKS! MARTY SUCKS!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks as though Alexander Von Blankenship and Marty Donovan just allowed Syberus and Kilroy to think they were clashing, when it looks like they were on the same page all along.
Alexander Von Blankenship steps up on the second rope with his tongue out, as the fans heckle the two of them, then he asks for the mic from Greg. AVB stands over Syberus and Kilroy’s bodies
Alexander Von Blankenship: Oh, my, how the mighty have fallen, and look who is still standing.
The crown boos louder. The Blessed One smirks, as he leans against the top rope, grapevining his leg through the bottom rope, almost as if he is attempting to get into the fans' faces
Alexander Von Blankenship: You people shut the hell up. You bring your signs, and you think that makes any difference? Rat Boy and Mouse Man just laid waste to your heroes. The gods, both of above and from below, reached out, they took the most holy of the holy water, they took the tears of both Jesus and Satan....
Marty sticks his head over AVBs shoulder.
Marty Donovan: And the tears of Walt Disney.
The Blessed one looks at Marty and flashes that Cheshire Cat smile.
Alexander Von Blankenship: They took all those tears, mixed them all up. All the good, the bad and the amazing. Then they placed a single drop of all of that holy of holy tear water right onto the forehead of the Blessed one. They placed one drop of that glorious tear water right onto the forehead of Marty Donovan and now.........
AVB backs up and looks Marty right in his eyes, Marty glares back before the two break eye contact. The Blessed one grabs Marty arm and holds it high in the air.
Alexander Von Blankenship: We are now the Anointed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Son of a…
Marty Donovan: Are you watching, Johnnie? It has been 16 long years since you refused to anoint me. I'm not going to let you sabotage this sweet kid too. It doesn't matter who these idiot fans clap for, it doesn't matter who the boys in the back are politicking for, and it sure as hell doesn't matter what any Valentine thinks. From this moment on, AVB and Marty Donovan are The Anointed!
"Blessed Up " by Wande plays as The Los Angeles' fans boo. The Anointed hug in the center of the ring with Syberus and Kilroy slowly coming to as the camera fades
***local commercial***
A shirtless middle aged man stands amongst piles of stacked wood, wearing jeans and holding an axe
Paul: Hello, my name is Paul of Paul’s Firewood. You know, alot of people ask me, “Paul, where do you get such quality firewood for the Valley’s fireplaces? The truth is that me and Katherine got divorced. And the truth is, her lawyer was quite a bit better than mine, and she and Jason wound up getting the house, the kids, the dog and the good car. The only thing my lawyer could get was the furniture.
Quick pan out to stacks of furniture surrounding Paul
Paul: So allow my utter humiliation to be your good fortune. The end table we got at that antique store in Yucca Valley that time it rained and we ate at that terrible Chinese restaurant?
Smashes an ax through it
FIREWOOD!
Paul: The china cabinet we got from your parents even though we have no china?
Smashes an ax through it over and over, until he cuts it into pieces
FIREWOOD!
Paul: The entertainment center we put together that led to that fight where you said you never respected me after I dropped out of barber college?
Paul hits the entertainment center with an ax. He tries to hold back tears while he struggles to pull the ax out. He begins quietly crying. Paul gets the ax out and gives it another half hearted whack that does minor damage. He begins to loudly sob, and then barely taps it with his ax
FIREWOOD!
Paul: So come on down to Paul’s Firewood, where my prices are lower than what I felt when Jason taught my son how to ride a bike!
Fade back to Guillermo and Phil at ringside in the Toyota Center
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here we are, the main event of the evening. A threeway dance to decide the Hardkore West Coast Champion, a title that has a lineage dating back to 1994 when Dilmar Breent threw Jonathan Darkstar over the top rope in that Pasadena battle royal.
Phillip Blauer: Dilmar Breent still sounds like something from a bat language.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The treasured title has been held by Hardkore legends like Syberus, Kilroy Evans, Andrew Karnage, James Fierce, Paul Soutter, The Shootfighter, Cobryn, and “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar himself. Tonight, it is back on the line for the first time in ten years, between Komar, The Sheik, and Natalie Burrows.
"Cayenne" from Final Fantasy 6 plays and the Toyota Center rocks with a monster heel pop. “Deathstryke Cyan Komar steps through the curtain and is met with a tidal wave of boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: LA is letting him have it for that sadistic fireball he threw at Andrew Karnage, and his interference in the LA Freeway match with Kilroy Evans and The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: Frankly, I’m tired of this silly panic. He’s an assassin bent on inflicting pain on most of the roster. What’s the worse that can happen?
Cyan Komar stalks down to ringside while the fans jeer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar didn’t offer much in the way of explanation for his actions, but warned The Sheik that he will seek him out to take him down a peg, and the 30 year veteran can do just that whenever he pleases.
Komar rolls into the ring and sneers at the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stunningly, Komar doesn’t see former Fireside Champion Natalie Burrows as a threat. Many men in his position have underestimated her and found themselves with the loser’s end of the purse.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the audience boos as Malcolm Xavier Graves walks out with a seething Sheik behind him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves warned that he cannot be held responsible for the actions The Sheik commits in this match due to some supposed “games” and “nonsense” committed by Hardkore World management. He claims not to be impressed by Cyan Komar’s extracurricular activities and says Natalie Burrows hasn’t been the same Natalie Burrows since she left Fireside in Philadelphia.
Phillip Blauer: That city will take it out of you. Everyone’s always talking about your mother out there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves has said that The Sheik will bathe them both in a sea of pain.
Phillip Blauer: An ocean of pain, Gabe. Let’s try and keep it professional.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He mentioned purifying the two of them, whatever that means.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe he’s going to forcibly rub sanitizer on them in case they’ve got COVID. I’d suggest everyone start doing that as a form of greeting these days.
I can finally breathe again.
The distorted opening lyrics of 'Breathe Again' plays as the overhead lights dim, the sequence of notes following it triggering coral-colored lights to pulse in time... and when the guitars and drums combine to form an explosion of noise. Every light in the arena as well as the tron goes blinding white--and when it fades back to normal a few seconds later. Natalie Burrows is standing at the top of the ramp, the crowd cheering for the Southern Belle as she looks out over the fans. A nod of acknowledgement is given.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows beat Disney’s Marty Donovan in the first round, which enraged him to the point of cowardly attacking her after the match. However, now she’s in the finals with her chance to win her first Hardkore West Coast Championship.
As video footage plays of some of her hardest-hitting moments in the ring, Natalie makes her way down to the ring, slapping the hands of the fans here and there, but her focus is on the ring. Speeding up at the bottom of the ramp, the Southern Belle slides into the ring, rolling onto her back before kipping up to her feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Listen to that ovation, there’s no question who the crowd favorite is here tonight!
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know how to break it to you but beautiful people are treated pretty well in LA. This crowd would come unglued if Kylie Jenner came out.
Natalie Burrows climbs to the nearest turnbuckle and she looks out over the crowd, motioning around her waist that she wants the Hardkore West Coast Championship before doing a couple stretches to prepare for Sheik and Cyan Komar
Greg Jin: “The following is the main event of the evening. It is a Threeway Dance for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP!”
The crowd roars as spotlights whirl around the audience
Greg Jin: “Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing at 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; The Former Hardkore West Coast Champion…’DEATHSTRYKE’ CYAN KOMAR!!!
The Toyota Center boos while Komar does exercises to steady his breathing
Greg Jin: “Accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The King of the LA Freeway Match…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Sheik paces from side to side, staring at “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar who keeps motioning for him to come hither while he continues his martial arts exercises
Greg Jinr: “From Durham, in the Tar Heel State, North Carolina; Standing 5 feet 9 inches tall; Weighing 165 pounds…’THE SOUTHERN BELLE’ NATALIE BURROWS!!!”
Thunderous pop from the Los Angeles fans as Burrows nods in appreciation
Hardkore West Coast Championship
Threeway Match
Natalie Burrows
vs.
The Sheik
vs.
"Deathstryke" Cyan Komar
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and all all three competitors eye one another warily
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik walks into a roundhouse kick by Natalie Burrows!
“Deathstryke” Cyan Komar grabs her and flips her into a fireman’s carry. He irish whips her into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows handsprings into the ropes and then backflips into an elbow that catches both Komar and Sheik!
Big reaction from the Toyota Center! Burrows dropkicks Sheik in the knee so he drops to his knees, then whacks him with a stiff kick to the middle of the back! The audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of her boot smacking Sheik’s spine while he arches his back in pain. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells at him to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nat turns around into a reverse knife edge by “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar. Another one backs her into the ropes, but she responds with a kick to his upper thigh. Komar answers with a kick to her side.
Burrows goes up high with a kick to the side of Komar’s face to get a wobble, but Komar steadies himself and hits her in the chest with an open palm strike
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows hits Komar with a front kick to the stomach, but Komar ducks a follow up roundhouse and sweeps out her legs from under her!
Phillip Blauer: You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit in the wind, you don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don’t get in a kicking contest with a ninja.
The fans boo, but then Natalie kips up onto her feet and pops the crowd. The Sheik walks over and catches a reverse roundhouse kick from Natalie Burrows
Guillermo O’Bannon: Burrows irish whips Cyan Komar into the ropes and then takes him out with a spinning heel kick!
Natalie Burrows ties up The Sheik’s legs and snaps back into a russian legsweep. She uses the momentum to roll up to her feet and leg drops Sheik
…ONE!
…The Sheik kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar tries to sneak up on her with a kick, but Natalie catches his leg. She feints a dragon screw but then sweeps Komar’s leg out from under him
Natalie Burrows steps out onto the apron, and then slingshots herself onto the middle of the top rope, then springboards off into a clothesline that takes out both Komar and The Sheik!! Huge ovation from the crowd that chants “NAT! NAT! NAT!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows goes for a kick to The Sheik, but the Sheik catches her leg.
The fans boo as The Sheik smiles sadistically at her predicament. So much so he doesn’t notice her swinging around with an enzuigiri, turning those cheers into jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar irish whips Natalie but Burrows reverses it and shoots Komar into the corner. She grabs The Sheik and irish whips him into Komar! She runs, then tucks and rolls into a tumbling back elbow!
Both men stumble out of the corner and fall on their faces. Natalie Burrows pulls The Sheik up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes but he hops onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Springboard back elbow! The Sheik irish whips Burrows into the ropes and catches her with a slingblade clothesline!
The Toyota Center boos. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar climbs to the top rope, and when Natalie gets to her feet, she catches a knife edge chop between the eyes from Komar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows gets to her knees and “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar smacks her in the face with a shining wizard!
The Los Angeles fans let out a collective “OH!” The Shiek scoops Burrows up into a michinoku driver
…ONE!
…Natalie Burrows kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar irish whips Burrows into the ropes and catches her with a tiltawhirl powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Natalie Burrows kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: For whatever reason, Komar and The Sheik seem to be focusing their attacks on the former Fireside Champion.
Phillip Blauer: Sexism.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik irish whips her into the ropes and dips down for a backdrop but Natalie goes up and over with a sunset flip!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cyan Komar stomps the back of Natalie’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar lifts Burrows up into a fireman’s carry and then hotshots her throat on the top rope!
The Toyota Center rocks with boos as Malcolm Xavier Graves directs The Sheik to attack her. The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps off with a flying leg drop down across the face of Natalie Burrows!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Natalie Burrows kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik begins stomping Natalie Burrows about the face and ribs. Cyan Komar then pulls her up into a full nelson and tosses her back into a release dragon suplex!
The Sheik goes to the outside apron, and then slingshots himself into a splash on Burrows
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Natalie Burrows kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar have not laid a hand on each other the entire match. They possibly fear what Burrows could do if they don’t take her out. Komar irish whips Burrows into the ropes and catches her with a huracanrana!
The fans chant “NAT! NAT! NAT!” trying to will her to her feet as The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring and backflips into a moonsault
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Natalie Burrows kicks out!
Suddenly the lights go out!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is going on??
Phillip Blauer: Isn’t it obvious? Rocky Valentine Jr. has blown the fuse with Natalie Burrows entrance.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think that’s it. Can we? Hello? We need the lights on.
Cellphones and flashes illuminate the ring slightly and then a slight “Oh!” is head and some rumbling in the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: We appear to have some action in the ring but no lights.
The lights come on and a shocking sight is in the ring. Natalie Burrows is laid out with turquoise mist on her face. Standing over her is Poena, The Sanctified. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar, The Sheik, and Malcolm Xavier Graves are bowed down in front of him in deference and worship. Tommy Milligan is laying in a heap on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is this??
Phillip Blauer: I’ve covered enough cults in my news days to know we got ourselves a bit of a situation here. We need to call Janet Reno.
The Toyota Center pours boos on the four men as Poena seems to be soaking in their hatred and raising his arms out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This has been a handicap match the whole damn time!
Poena, The Sanctified nods towards The Sheik. Malcolm Xavier Graves taps him on the shoulder and Sheik looks up
Poena: You have been chosen.
The Sheik nods and “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar and Poena, The Sanctified hold Natalie by her arms. The Sheik hits her with his black mass kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Accolade with an assist by Poena and Cyan Komar!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the audience boos. Malcolm Xavier Graves grabs the Hardkore West Coast Championship and hands it to The Sheik. Komar and Poena help strap it around his waist
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 21 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE SHEIK!!!”
The crowd boos and Malcolm Xavier Graves points to the belt, and then points to Poena, The Sanctified. Poena nods and then starts talking to the heavens
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think for once you’re right, Phil. I think Cyan Komar’s recent slew of violent attacks on Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans, could have been the bidding of Poena, The Sanctified? Or maybe he wanted to show Poena the sadism he was capable of? And now it appears that Malcolm Xavier Graves has also become a believer of Poena’s sick religion.
Phillip Blauer: Hey now, I think we should be tolerant of all faiths here in Hardkore World. Even the ones that believe in chains with hooks on them that pull you apart when you’re good? Bad? I forget. But hey, they’re all a little kooky when you think about it. Water into wine? No meat on Fridays? Women can wear dungarees? On a Sunday?? I’ll be over here in my spaceship.
Phil chuckles to himself. Guillermo shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: They lured Natalie Burrows into a trap with having her think this would be a fair fight, and she became a sacrifice to this new faith they espouse.
“Seasons In The Abyss” continues to play as The Sheik holds up the Hardkore West Coast Championship, while Poena, Graves and Komar pray over Natalie Burrows unconscious body
Guillermo O’Bannon: I am being told by our director Andrew Valentine Jr. that we are running out of satellite time, so I just have a few seconds to tell you that in a few weeks, we will be back in Belfast, Northern Ireland for the Irish Rage in Belfast 2022 where we will hold a tournament to crown the Hardkore World Tag Team Champions! See ya there fans.
The name of their new group in red blood appears on the video screens
Guillermo O’Bannon: Over 7,000 fans, Hardkore World’s biggest crowd since its rebirth!! Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to Hollywood!
Phillip Blauer: Ontario. We’re like 45 minutes from LA. Even farther from Hollywood.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do you know the rent Crypto Arena is charging these days?? No, we’re fine here at the Toyota Center. Plus, you can get out of here in less than three hours. Fans we have an exciting show here tonight, where we will decide the first Hardkore West Coast Champion since Bruno in 2012. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar, after his brutalizing of Andrew Karnage as well as Kilroy Evans, goes into a threeway dance with former Fireside World Champion Natalie Burrows and The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: One of these three men will represent the Best Coast, the land of swimming pools, movie stars, and weed store billboards. Oh, and you usually see guys from Dexter or Tru Blood at Whole Foods.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then it’s a tag team grudge match between Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus and his former Society of the New Breed partner Kilroy Evans taking on Alexander Von Blankenship and Marty Donovan. Syberus beat AVB in that thrilling tournament final that came down to the wire, and Kilroy prevented Marty from bashing Burrows’ vault, and now these four will try and solve their numerous differences. The advantage may be with Syberus and Kilroy, who have teamed together in the past. As we saw in Coachella, Alexander Von Blankenship and The Rising Sun didn’t have the smoothest match.
Phillip Blauer: It’s natural for two enigmatic talents like that to not mesh initially. Could Jimi Hendrix play lead guitar in The Rolling Stones? Could Urkel and Bill Cosby co-exist on a sitcom about an OBGYN who operates out of his basement and his curious assistant? Let us not forget that Kilroy and Syberus have also traded the Hardkore World Championship?
Guillermo O’Bannon: And may again in the future. Then Lynx takes on Poena, The Sanctified. This should be an excellent in-ring classic with both men coming off big wins at Palm Springs Punishment 2022.
After a few seconds of ”Taurus Shrine” (PSP Mix) by Ryota Koduka playing over the speakers, Ruben emerges onto the stage. Despite wearing his ring gear, he still has a parchment and quill in his hands that look tiny in his large hands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman made his debut in Coachella, easily dispatching of Randy Candy. Now he takes on former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Tuxedo Mask in the biggest test of his young career.
Once in the ring, Ruben slides under the bottom rope into the ring where he goes to wait in the corner. Is he thinking in metaphors for sick rhymes, or how to give his opponents bad times?
Phillip Blauer: Now I like this young chap. Ruben Bowmen comes from a long line of wrestling poets. Lanny Poffo, Raven, Joel Gertner, John Cena.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cena was more of a rapper, except most of the time they didn’t play his music and…no you’re right.
Richie Richardson eventually reminds him to remove his headwrap, determined not to let the chainmail be a trap for Tuxedo Mask so Ruben doesn't get a victory lap for free. So Ruben drops his fancy cap and waits to see who he's getting paid to bap.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Toyota Center in Los Angeles, California!”
Phillip Blauer: Ontario.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first…”
Ruben Bowman requests the microphone from Greg. Greg inquires, and Ruben whispers in Greg’s ear. Greg nods
Greg Jin: “Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. Bowman would like your attention as he recites an original poem.”
Phillip Blauer: Oh, looks like we’re going to be treated to a little sonnet. How lovely.
The Los Angeles fans boo as Ruben Bowman takes the microphone. He takes a moment to look at what he’s written before he recites it, projecting it so even the people in the cheap seats can hear him.
Ruben Bowman: Tuxedo Mask will go around and give his fans a rose.
He likes to fly around the ring a lot on twinkle toes
The jeers get louder. Bowman smirks and continues, trying in vain to talk over the boos
Ruben Bowman: He cares so much of what you think and in your cheers he’ll bask...
But after I am done with him he'll need a second mask.
You’ll show me the respect I’m due, and when the night is through,
Tuxedo Mask will wish I’d gone on last, and so will you.
Eventually he gets frustrated with the boos he is getting from the Hardkore fans, eventually throwing his quill and parchment to the ground as he runs to the ropes to threaten the front row.
Phillip Blauer: I loved that, and I usually hate poetry that doesn’t have a line about Nantucket. Am I supposed to snap?
Bowman hands Greg Jin the house microphone back. Greg nods and then continues the introductions
Greg Jin: (ahem) “From Wherever the Muses Dictate; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall, and Weighing in at 275 pounds, He’s A Poet And He Damn Sure Knows It…RUBEN BOWMAN!!!”
The LA fans boo
Then “Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the fans jump to their feet. Tux walks to the left side of the ramp and soaks in the cheers. Then he walks to the right side, to see if they can get louder
Phillip Blauer: Haven’t we been divided enough?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask getting a huge ovation from the biggest crowd we’ve had in a while.
Tuxedo Mask cartwheels into a handspring into a flip down the ramp!! The audience roars with a thunderous roar
Phillip Blauer: Hachi machi, that’s loud.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask is one of the most beloved wrestlers in Hardkore World, Phil. Deal with it.
Phillip Blauer: As far as things I haven’t dealt with, this is far down the list.
Tuxedo Mask slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climb the turnbuckle for one last bit of adoration before preparing for the match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux is wrestling a man over a foot taller than him and outweighing him by 100 pounds. It’s not now until I see them in the ring together that I notice the huge difference.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Tokushima, Japan; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall, and Weighing in at 185 pounds, Hardkore World’s Resident Influencer…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
A huge ovation from the Toyota Center as Tuxedo Mask glares at Ruben Bowman
One Fall, 30 Minute Time Limit Match
Tuxedo Mask vs. Ruben Bowman
Greg Jin leaves the ring Richie Richardson signals for the bell.
Tuxedo Mask: Just to be clear, I didn’t appreciate your little poem.
The crowd pops and Ruben Bowman rolls his eyes and then shrugs
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask, showing composure as ever.
Tuxedo Mask and Ruben Bowman circle one another for a bit before locking up. Tuxedo Mask tries jockeying for position, but Bowman immediately throws him across the ring with a beal throw! Tuxedo Mask sits up in shock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman grabs a reverse chinlock. He locks those hands together and grinds those sculpted arms. Bowman cinches up on it, cutting off Tux’s air.
The fans boo as Bowman flattens out to put more pressure on the back of Tuxedo Mask’s neck. Richie Richardson checks in but Tux shakes his head, refusing to quit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bowman pulls Tux to his feet and irish whips him into the turnbuckles! The poet backs up and then charges in with a clothesline in the corner!
Ruben Bowman sits Tuxedo Mask on the top turnbuckle, but Tux slugs him in the temple and grabs a headlock. Tuxedo Mask jumps off the second rope with a tornado DDT that gets a booming cheer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask swings at Bowman with an enzuigiri, but the big man ducks! However, Tux swings back with a roundhouse kick that does catch him!
The crowd is at a fever pitch as Tuxedo Mask motions for Ruben Bowman to get to his feet. Tux handsprings into a huracanrana
…ONE!!
…Ruben Bowman kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask rolls to his feet and punches Ruben Bowman as hard as he can, and then turns around and shows the crowd his right hand…as Bowman just stands there! The Toyota Center tries to tell Tux about the danger behind him
Phillip Blauer: Tux is living his George McFly fantasy here to be sure.
Tuxedo Mask turns around into Ruben Bowman and gasps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman grabs Tuxedo Mask and easily lifts him into a vertical suplex. He bounces off the ropes and drops a leg across Tux’s head and chest!
…ONE!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bowman butterflies Tux’s arm and effortlessly flings him across the ring with a double underhook suplex!
The Toyota Center boos as Tuxedo Mask sits up with his back arched in pain. Ruben Bowman pulls Tuxedo Mask up and starts tattooing him with right hands, backing him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman smashes Tuxedo Mask with punches in the corner, and then irish whips him to the other side. He charges in with an avalanche!
Tuxedo Mask wilts against the turnbuckles and falls to his butt. Bowman pulls him to his feet, and leads him out of the corner, but Tux drops to a split and punches Ruben in the groin. The LA crowd roars as Bowman holds his fellas, and Tux smiles and nods at the camera while still in his split
Phillip Blauer: Why don’t we reward petty larceny while we’re at it? Or spitting on the street?
Ruben Bowman collapses on the second rope, holding his groin. Tuxedo Mask does a the phone gesture against his face and the fans cheer. Tux runs into the ropes and hits a 619 kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: The 213! An LA area code. Tuxedo Mask steps out on to the apron and slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope. He leaps off and catches Ruben Bowman with dragon rana!!
Phillip Blauer: Rhymin Simon on the defensive now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask twists Bowman’s arm and runs up the ropes. He tightrope walks on the top rope with Ruben’s twisted arm!
Phillip Blauer: I believe Tux was the first man under 350 pounds to accomplish such a feat. It defies explanation.
The fans applaud Tux’s balance and then jumps over Ruben into a la majistral cradle
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Ruben Bowman kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux irish whips him but Ruben hangs on and reverses it, shooting Tuxedo Mask into the ropes. He dips down for a backdrop and shoots Tux high up into the air!
The Toyota Center boos as Tuxedo Mask sits up in pain. Bowman pulls him up and then lifts Tux into a stalling vertical suplex. The jeers get louder as Ruben waves them on while still holding Tuxedo Mask in the air
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman finally drops Tux in that suplex.
Phillip Blauer: All the blood rushing to that head like that was surely a different experience for poor Tux.
Ruben Bowman motions for Tux to get up as the arena fills with boos. Tux gets up and stumbles into a beel throw across the ring but Tuxedo Mask lands on his feet with a flourish
Phillip Blauer: Show off.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask too busy preening and turns around into a running big boot by the 6’7 Bowman!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman pulls him up into a reverse waistlock, and hits a german but Tux easily flips over onto his feet! Ruben walks up and Tux punches him right in the mouth!
Ruben Bowman no-sells it and stares at Tux, who backs off, asking for calm. He shushes the crowd as their ominous groans build
Phillip Blauer: Tuxedo Mask really needs to take a women’s defense course and learn how to throw one of those.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman grabs Tux by the hair and hammers him with punch after punch, backing him into the ropes. He irish whips Tux, but Tux slides through Richie Richardson’s legs! Bowman goes for a lariat, but stops short when he sees the referee.
Phillip Blauer: Out of the way, Richie! Think of your trust fund!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, Tuxedo Mask hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into a springboard moonsault that takes out both Bowman and Richardson!!
The Los Angeles fans cheer wildly as Bowman crawls to the corner and tries to pull himself up by the bottom rope. Tuxedo Mask cartwheels into a handspring into a bronco buster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux Buster!
Phillip Blauer: Luckily for Tux, the referee is not awake to see the non consensual tea bagging, which is a felony here in the state of California.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Everyone knows what they sign up for when they wrestle Tuxedo Mask.
Phillip Blauer: The man is a poet! Trying to show us the beauty in the World, by way of beating men until they can no longer get up. Like Hemingway.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask pulls him up in the corner, and steps to the second turnbuckle, jumping off into a tornado DDT!
The impact sits Bowman up on his knees, and then he falls back down on his face. The fans pop as Tuxedo Mask climbs to the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux flips off the top turnbuckle with a corkscrew 450 splash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Ruben Bowman kicks out
Tuxedo Mask steps out onto the apron, and slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope. He leaps off with a springboard body press but Ruben Bowman catches him with his black hole slam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poetry In Motion!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
”Taurus Shrine” (PSP Mix) by Ryota Koduka plays and the Los Angeles fans boo. Ruben Bowman is sweating heavily as he raises his arm
Greg Jin: “At 11 minutes 2 second; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…RUBEN BOWMAN!!!”
Phillip Blauer: It does not appear Bowman’s ring gear does him any favors in this LA heat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Young Ruben Bowman gets another win under his belt with a big win over the former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Tuxedo Mask. He’s definitely one to watch as he begins his career here in Hardkore World.
Ruben Bowman obnoxiously bows to the jeering fans as he walks back up the walkway
***
The fans' cheers and boos fill the arena. The echo of their voices clashes on the walls and swims in the emotion-filled atmosphere of the moment; it is show night in Los Angeles´s Toyota Center. The camera moves around in the dimly lit hallway as if it would be chasing something. Suddenly a calm voice attracts our attention.
“Not a day passes over the earth, but men and women of no note do great deeds, speak great words, and suffer great sorrows. Of these obscure heroes, philosophers, and martyrs, the greater part will never be known...”
The camera moves in the voice´s direction, finding its target
“Quoted from a book many have never read and from an author plenty will never know, truer words have never been spoken.”
The camera shows us a human being with its back turned upon us.
“Every day is filled with unsung heroes and heroic deeds from stink normal people, and the great everyday deeds fill our simple existence. Most of us are not presidents or superheroes, and most of us are not first-page celebrities. Many a man is a simple man indeed and his deeds never will be seen in the first evening news.”
The man, with his back turned, seems to lower his head looking down, at the concrete.
“But the fact that these deeds will never be known to millions, doesn´t make them smaller by any chance, totally the opposite. These deeds carried out by simple people are as heroic as they can be. In fact, the everyday stress and the problems these people solve fill most of human existence.
Superheroic deeds and superheroic events are as seldom as they can be. They are once-in-a-blue moon events that do not make out the greatest part of Earth's existence. People that look to humans who can lead by example need to look to everyday heroes. People that look to lead by example should be inspired by everyday people, and they should call themselves fortunate to be able to be a model for so many.”
The man turns around to face the camera. We can now recognize who it is. It´s HKW´s very own Lynx. He crosses his arms on his chest slowly shaking his head.
“…It is the time!
Time to lead by example for so many; time to call myself fortunate for being able to show to many how a hero acts and fights.”
Lynx points direction camera. His mask looking ever so fierce
“Let´s Go!”
(The shot fades up on cellphone quality footage. We see Main Street, USA in Disneyland. Marty Donovan, wearing a backwards cap and a Cars t-shirt, walks into frame with a backpack slung over one shoulder. He is failing in his attempt to come off as youthful.)
Marty: Wow! I can’t believe I am actually at Disneyland! It was so kind of Marty Donovan to give me a free ticket after the rest of my family died in that mall shooting.
(Marty approaches a fire exit with a piece of paper taped on it. In pencil it reads “Club 33 Sex Dungeon”. Before Marty can enter, an employee who looks like a Mexican Andy Dick steps in the way. The employee nervously rushes through his lines.)
Mexican Andy: Apologies mi amigo. This place is too fancy for the likes of you. Scram!
(The shot changes to Marty sitting on the curb depressed. Phil Blauer struts by with Ariel and Belle on his arms. He shakes his head at Marty and chuckles.)
Phil: Why don’t you check a map, kid? You’re in Costa Pacifica! The no frown town! Catch!
(Phil attempts to toss a tiny object over to Marty, but the throw goes off way to the right and bounces on the pavement. We cut to a closer shot of Marty and someone else throws the object into frame. The camera zooms in and we see that it is an enamel pin of Hardkore World’s Bruno dressed as Bruno from Encanto.)
Marty: Wow! Thanks mister!
(Marty confidently heads back towards the fire exit with the pin on his shirt. The employee goes to block him once more before stepping aside.)
Mexican Andy Dick: Mis disculpas! What a fancy pin. Right this way, sir.
(Marty nods smugly and then attempts to actually open the door. The employee, no longer acting, tries to stop him. Marty pushes him aside and opens it. The fire alarm immediately begins to wail and a strobe light goes off.)
COMING SOON: HARDKORE (DISNEY) WORLD PINS
(The shot changes to a darkened sound stage. The lights fade up and we see a QVC style set with various pins arranged on display cases. Standing in the center is Marty Donovan and a plucky, blonde twenty something. She is dressed in the flannel vest of a Disney World tour guide. The blonde is zoned out, gazing lovingly at Marty, until he elbows her that they are on.)
Marty: Greetings! I’m Marty Donovan!
Olivia: And I’m Oliva Oldham!
Marty: People have been saying it for years, Ollie. You simply can’t find two more compatible brands than 1920s cartoon characters and death match wrestling.
Olivia: So true!
Marty: That is why I commissioned this line of exclusive pins known as Hardkore Disney World.
Olvia: I can’t wait to rock these on my lanyard or barbed wire bat.
Marty: Yes, you’ll certainly be the talk of the town with our first item here.
(The camera shows a pin of Disney’s Hercules struggling to lift up Kilroy Evans, who is dressed in a boulder costume.)
Marty: Even the son of Zeus isn’t strong enough to raise Kilroy Evans above his head, especially after all those Mickey bars.
(The camera shows a pin of Marty in 1980s clothes rappelling up the side of a building. Hanging on to his back is a tiny AVB, who is dressed as a little girl with a plastic Thor helmet.)
Olivia: What do we have here, Marty?
Marty: This pin is in honor of my recent tag matches with that spoiled brat, AVB. Take it from me, any time spent carrying Alexander is an adventure in babysitting!
Olivia: AVB? Ugh! He reminds me of that classic line “Thor’s a…
(Olivia stops mid sentence, looking at the teleprompter in horror.)
Olivia: Marty, I can’t say that.
(Marty holds up a pin that has Syberus, arms crossed, wearing a pink and black soccer uniform.)
Marty: This pin depicts Syberus during his failed foray into “football”. You see the current champion pouting on the bench of Palermo during his time in the Italian second division.
Olivia: Is that Pinocchio sneaking up on him?
Marty: A changed Pinocchio, who thinks Mussolini’s granddaughter makes some good points. He’s snuck in a Millwall brick for that leftist limey.
(Olivia salutes the camera.)
Olivia: There’s some corner of a foreign field that is forever England.
(Marty gets somber and holds up an over sized pin of Phil Blauer commentating with three ghosts behind him watching proudly.)
Marty: Our last item honors the best commentator in the game today while still paying tribute to the giants that came before him. Look closely at the Haunted Mansion hitchhiking ghosts. Recognize them?
Olivia: Harry Caray, Vin Scully, and Jim Ross!
Marty: Though they are no longer with us, these men live on through Phil’s passionate work.
(Numerous phones ringing can be heard in the background. Olivia puts a finger to her earpiece and nods.)
Marty: The phones are ringing off the hook! People are desperate to get their hands on these collectibles.
Olivia: Actually, the truck is telling me we’re getting calls from nine different Disney attorneys and someone named Rocky Valentine Junior?
Marty: Oh no…Johnnie moved the new age kid to legal.
(Marty scrambles to answer three phones at once as the shot fades to black.)
“Not a day passes over the earth, but men and women of no note do great deeds, speak great words, and suffer great sorrows. Of these obscure heroes, philosophers, and martyrs, the greater part will never be known...”
The camera moves in the voice´s direction, finding its target
“Quoted from a book many have never read and from an author plenty will never know, truer words have never been spoken.”
The camera shows us a human being with its back turned upon us.
“Every day is filled with unsung heroes and heroic deeds from stink normal people, and the great everyday deeds fill our simple existence. Most of us are not presidents or superheroes, and most of us are not first-page celebrities. Many a man is a simple man indeed and his deeds never will be seen in the first evening news.”
The man, with his back turned, seems to lower his head looking down, at the concrete.
“But the fact that these deeds will never be known to millions, doesn´t make them smaller by any chance, totally the opposite. These deeds carried out by simple people are as heroic as they can be. In fact, the everyday stress and the problems these people solve fill most of human existence.
Superheroic deeds and superheroic events are as seldom as they can be. They are once-in-a-blue moon events that do not make out the greatest part of Earth's existence. People that look to humans who can lead by example need to look to everyday heroes. People that look to lead by example should be inspired by everyday people, and they should call themselves fortunate to be able to be a model for so many.”
The man turns around to face the camera. We can now recognize who it is. It´s HKW´s very own Lynx. He crosses his arms on his chest slowly shaking his head.
“…It is the time!
Time to lead by example for so many; time to call myself fortunate for being able to show to many how a hero acts and fights.”
Lynx points direction camera. His mask looking ever so fierce
“Let´s Go!”
(The shot fades up on cellphone quality footage. We see Main Street, USA in Disneyland. Marty Donovan, wearing a backwards cap and a Cars t-shirt, walks into frame with a backpack slung over one shoulder. He is failing in his attempt to come off as youthful.)
Marty: Wow! I can’t believe I am actually at Disneyland! It was so kind of Marty Donovan to give me a free ticket after the rest of my family died in that mall shooting.
(Marty approaches a fire exit with a piece of paper taped on it. In pencil it reads “Club 33 Sex Dungeon”. Before Marty can enter, an employee who looks like a Mexican Andy Dick steps in the way. The employee nervously rushes through his lines.)
Mexican Andy: Apologies mi amigo. This place is too fancy for the likes of you. Scram!
(The shot changes to Marty sitting on the curb depressed. Phil Blauer struts by with Ariel and Belle on his arms. He shakes his head at Marty and chuckles.)
Phil: Why don’t you check a map, kid? You’re in Costa Pacifica! The no frown town! Catch!
(Phil attempts to toss a tiny object over to Marty, but the throw goes off way to the right and bounces on the pavement. We cut to a closer shot of Marty and someone else throws the object into frame. The camera zooms in and we see that it is an enamel pin of Hardkore World’s Bruno dressed as Bruno from Encanto.)
Marty: Wow! Thanks mister!
(Marty confidently heads back towards the fire exit with the pin on his shirt. The employee goes to block him once more before stepping aside.)
Mexican Andy Dick: Mis disculpas! What a fancy pin. Right this way, sir.
(Marty nods smugly and then attempts to actually open the door. The employee, no longer acting, tries to stop him. Marty pushes him aside and opens it. The fire alarm immediately begins to wail and a strobe light goes off.)
COMING SOON: HARDKORE (DISNEY) WORLD PINS
(The shot changes to a darkened sound stage. The lights fade up and we see a QVC style set with various pins arranged on display cases. Standing in the center is Marty Donovan and a plucky, blonde twenty something. She is dressed in the flannel vest of a Disney World tour guide. The blonde is zoned out, gazing lovingly at Marty, until he elbows her that they are on.)
Marty: Greetings! I’m Marty Donovan!
Olivia: And I’m Oliva Oldham!
Marty: People have been saying it for years, Ollie. You simply can’t find two more compatible brands than 1920s cartoon characters and death match wrestling.
Olivia: So true!
Marty: That is why I commissioned this line of exclusive pins known as Hardkore Disney World.
Olvia: I can’t wait to rock these on my lanyard or barbed wire bat.
Marty: Yes, you’ll certainly be the talk of the town with our first item here.
(The camera shows a pin of Disney’s Hercules struggling to lift up Kilroy Evans, who is dressed in a boulder costume.)
Marty: Even the son of Zeus isn’t strong enough to raise Kilroy Evans above his head, especially after all those Mickey bars.
(The camera shows a pin of Marty in 1980s clothes rappelling up the side of a building. Hanging on to his back is a tiny AVB, who is dressed as a little girl with a plastic Thor helmet.)
Olivia: What do we have here, Marty?
Marty: This pin is in honor of my recent tag matches with that spoiled brat, AVB. Take it from me, any time spent carrying Alexander is an adventure in babysitting!
Olivia: AVB? Ugh! He reminds me of that classic line “Thor’s a…
(Olivia stops mid sentence, looking at the teleprompter in horror.)
Olivia: Marty, I can’t say that.
(Marty holds up a pin that has Syberus, arms crossed, wearing a pink and black soccer uniform.)
Marty: This pin depicts Syberus during his failed foray into “football”. You see the current champion pouting on the bench of Palermo during his time in the Italian second division.
Olivia: Is that Pinocchio sneaking up on him?
Marty: A changed Pinocchio, who thinks Mussolini’s granddaughter makes some good points. He’s snuck in a Millwall brick for that leftist limey.
(Olivia salutes the camera.)
Olivia: There’s some corner of a foreign field that is forever England.
(Marty gets somber and holds up an over sized pin of Phil Blauer commentating with three ghosts behind him watching proudly.)
Marty: Our last item honors the best commentator in the game today while still paying tribute to the giants that came before him. Look closely at the Haunted Mansion hitchhiking ghosts. Recognize them?
Olivia: Harry Caray, Vin Scully, and Jim Ross!
Marty: Though they are no longer with us, these men live on through Phil’s passionate work.
(Numerous phones ringing can be heard in the background. Olivia puts a finger to her earpiece and nods.)
Marty: The phones are ringing off the hook! People are desperate to get their hands on these collectibles.
Olivia: Actually, the truck is telling me we’re getting calls from nine different Disney attorneys and someone named Rocky Valentine Junior?
Marty: Oh no…Johnnie moved the new age kid to legal.
(Marty scrambles to answer three phones at once as the shot fades to black.)
"Long Walk Home" by Howl Trance plays and the crowd cheers as kids wearing Lynx masks run to the aisles. After a few moments Lynx walks out and slaps the fans’ hands, especially the children wearing his mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, fresh off his big win over Tuxedo Mask at Palm Springs Punishment 2022, to face an entirely different type of wrestler. Poena, The Sanctified. He feels Poena has glossed over his history and injuries when those have made him a stronger competitor. He says that Poena can do whatever he wants and Lynx will just keep getting up, until he has nothing left to throw at him. He says it is time for him to be the hero these kids look up to.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Sicily; Standing 6 feet 200 pounds; Weighing 200 pounds; The Italian Rapscallion…LYNX!!!”
The Toyota Center gives him a big pop.
Nisi per dolorem potest salvari...
Phillip Blauer: Has someone mic’d my inner thoughts again?
The lights go pitch back as the eerie bells and words fill the arena
Phillip Blauer: AH!! They’re coming for me! The shadows that dragged off Patrick Swayze’s friend in Ghost. One of Rocky Valentine Jr.’s lights must have dropped on my head and I’m not yet conscious of my fate to the horry netherworld! Curses! If only I had second chance, I would be thoughtful and kind. I would shed the vanity and earthly pleasures and commit myself to a life of religious and spiritual fulfillment!
Each time the choir sings, red spotlights blaze down, revealing Poena standing at the top of the ramp, a black silhouette with his arms raised out to the sides with his palms and face up to the heavens while the audience boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: Relax, Phil, It’s just Poena’s ring music.
Phillip Blauer: Oh my, I can’t…I can’t catch my breath.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here, drink some water.
Phillip Blauer: I’ll tell you the same thing I’ve told every woman who’s ever tried to woo the Blau Dog. These lips don’t touch anything that has touched the lips of an Irish.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …
As the music picks up the red spotlights stay on him as he lowers his arms and walks toward the ring holding his twisted rosary, made of teeth and bone with a dagger for a cross, in his hands as if praying as he walks down the ramp, his crazed smile breaking out into an even crazier grin as he does. The ringside fans flip him off as he stares past them to the ring
Phillip Blauer: (drinks his scotch and soda) And quit looking at me like that, people are going to think I just broke up with you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified put Jonnie Valentine’s wife out of wrestling at Palm Springs Punishment 2022, and now turns his sadism on the popular Lynx as he looks to spread his religion of suffering.
Phillip Blauer: In LA that’s just hot yoga.
Andy Valentine Jr. hits the rimshot on his drum kit just off camera
Phillip Blauer: I’m back, baby!
Poena stops and stares at Andy Valentine Jr. Andy puts his drumsticks down and quickly walks away and then He rolls into the ring as the spotlights turn to brightest white, going to his knees in the same pose he held on the ramp with the rosary clenched in his right hand, whispering a silent prayer to himself and yelling “REPENT!” to the heavens before smirking at the Toyota Center and getting up to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified has invited Lynx to come to his altar, the ring, and is threatening to turn it into his own personal torture device.
Phillip Blauer: Quite a departure from “We’ll see who’s the tougher man at the Omni on Friday night, kids get in for a dollar.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena is hoping to spread the gospel of his ghoulish faith here tonight with another win, and is calling Lynx a lamb to slaughter for that cause.
Phillip Blauer: I also see he might have had an actual hostage. We should maybe forward that clip to the authorities. Give the family some closure.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from The Ninth Deep; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 190 pounds; The Pitless Prophet…POENA, THE SANCTIFIED!!!”
The Los Angeles fans boo loudly as Poena mutters to himself with his eyes closed
One Fall, 30 Minute Time Limit
Lynx vs. Poena, The Sanctified
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. Poena and Lynx lock up in a collar and elbow tie up, and then Lynx grabs a side headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx locks those arms together and torques Poena’s head to the side. Poena attempts to push him off into the ropes, but Lynx hangs onto the headlock.
While still in the headlock, Poena grabs Lynx’s ankle and bends his leg behind his thigh, then lifts him up into a legbreaker atomic drop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified whacks Lynx in the shin with a stiff kick, and then basement dropkicks his kneecap to take him off his feet.
Poena grabs Lynx’s ankles, spread eagle, and then twists into a grounded dragon screw, wrenching Lynx’s knee to the side. Poena grabs him by the leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena plants his feet and cranks back on Lynx’s leg, trying to hyperextend his knee. Now he stands up a little so that he can crank it to the side to cause more pain.
Phillip Blauer: Well, that’s federally protected since that is his religion.
The crowd boos and then a high pitched chant of “Let's Go Lynx!” from the kids starts up and then their parents join in with a full throated “LET’S GO LYNX!” Lynx feeds off their energy, and tucks his head and rolls through the single leg crab, but Poena hangs onto his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx hopping on one leg swings around with an enzuigiri kick to the back of Poena’s head!
The Toyota Center erupts and Lynx takes a few moments to clutch his leg. He pulls Poena up into a front facelock and then snap suplexes him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena gets to his knees only to get tagged in the side of the head with a shining wizard!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” Lynx irish whips Poena into the ropes and then takes him out with an expertly timed jumping roundhouse kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx pulls Poena up into a rear waistlock, then goes for a german but Poena lands on his feet behind him! Poena clips Lynx’s knee from behind
The cheers turn to jeers as Lynx crumples to the mat holding his knee. Poena smiles as the boos grow louder and louder, and then stomps the back of Lynx’s knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s the same knee Lynx injured in NPW, that Poena seems to be particularly targeting. Poena now hops up and stomps both of Lynx’s legs with a double stomp.
Poena rolls Lynx over and kneedrops the side of his knee. Lynx howls in pain, and rolls to his side, holding his leg. The children in the crowd start up another “Let's Go Lynx!” chant, while Poena shakes his head at them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena lifts Lynx’s leg up while the masked man is on his hands and knees and wrenches him with an inverted dragon screw. He pulls Lynx up by the mask and irish whips him into the turnbuckles. Poena follows him in with a discus lariat in the corner!
Lynx melts in the corner, but Poena pulls him back up and shoots him into the opposite corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena charges in but Lynx cuts him off with a roundhouse kick!
The Toyota Center rocks with cheers and Lynx motions for Poena to get up. He double underhook Poena’s arms, and tosses him across the ring in a butterfly suplex! Poena sits up in pain as Lynx is ready to pounce
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified gets up only to be dropkicked back to the mat.
The Los Angeles fans chant “Let's Go Lynx!” as he limps through the ropes out onto the apron, waiting for Poena to stand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx springboards into a knee that catches Poena right between the eyes!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Poena kicks out!
Poena backing off now as Lynx feeds off the roaring crowd! Lynx pulls him up and hammers Poena with punches backing him into the ropes
Phillip Blauer: Kitty’s got claws!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx shoots Poena into the ropes and spins with a superkick, but Poena docks underneath it and dumps Lynx on his head with a snap backdrop driver!
A hush goes over the crowd as Lynx sits up and falls back down from from the impact. Poena rolls him over onto his stomach and ties up their ankles and calves into a half surfboard, and then just stomps both of his knees into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx gets up on his aching knees, but Poena catches him around the neck with his legs with a headache huracanrana!
The kids start chanting “Poena Sucks!” then the adults chime in with “POENA SUCKS!” Poena mockingly puts his hands over his ears, then applies an over the shoulder single leg boston crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena pulls down on Lynx’s foot, bending his spine while stretching Lynx’s knee to it’s limits. Kelly O’Connell checking in for the submission.
Lynx shakes his head, refusing to give up. He crawls over and grabs the bottom rope, and Kelly O’Connell forces Poena to break the over the shoulder single leg boston crab, which he does begrudgingly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena hammers the back of Lynx’s head with elbows, and then a disrespectful slap to the back of the head.
The audience lets out a thunderous heel pop for Poena who gets up and challenges them to get into the ring and do something about it
Phillip Blauer: Hard to believe this man was once an icon for these children in that Hawaiian cartoon they show at the picture show.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I believe you’re thinking of Moana, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: Sad to see. Where did it all go wrong for this once invincible force at the box office?
Kelly O’Connell admonishes Poena for the unclean break but Lynx grabs Poena from behind with a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon Tiger suplex from Lynx!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Poena gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena rolls out to the floor but Lynx is on fire! Lynx hobbles out to the apron, and hops onto the middle of the second rope, backflipping into an asai moonsault that smacks Poena into the railing!!
The fans chant “LYNX! LYNX! LYNX!” as both men lie on the Toyota Center floor, trying to catch their breath. Kids in the front row reach their arms out to pat Lynx’s shoulders. He slowly gets to his feet, and pulls Poena up into an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reverse DDT by Lynx on the concrete!! He gingerly steps back up onto the apron and waits for Poena. Lynx with a springboard spinning heel kick that knocks Poena over the railing into the audience!!
The Toyota Center gives loud approval as Poena lies amongst the beer cups and chairs in the front row. Lynx steps over the railing and cautions the young children gathering around him to give him room
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx kicks Poena in the stomach, and then backs up and gives him a running DDT, but Poena blocks it, and backdrops Lynx onto the floor!
Lynx rolls around in the second row, holding the small of his back. Poena takes a few moments to recover, then pulls him up by the mask to his feet. He cracks Lynx with a few elbows to back him into the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena shortarm lariots Lynx over the security rail back into the ringside area here.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, there they are. I’ve been looking in a totally different direction. But that turned out to be a drunken brawl stemming from the minor inconveniences of attending a live event that is common here in Los Angeles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena hooks Lynx’s ankle and lifts him up onto his shoulder, driving Lynx’s knee into the steel ringpost with a legbreaker!
The Toyota Center thunders with boos as Poena rolls Lynx back into the ring. He grabs Lynx’s leg and drops back into a kneebar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena smelling blood here and may be going for the kill. He wrenches back on Lynx’s trapped leg, with his knee pressing Lynx’s knee to the side for an excruciating submission maneuver.
The camera catches kids urging Lynx to hang on while he holds his mask in pain in frustration. He shakes his head when Kelly O’Connell asks him if he wants to tap out repeatedly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified rocks back on that injured leg, trying to end this match, but he pokes his head too far out and Lynx is able to land a kick that catches him clean. A second kick gets Lynx out of the kneebar, but he is much worse for wear.
Poena staggers up and pulls Poena up by the mask. He scoops him up, but Lynx lands on his feet behind him in a three quarter nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wrist clutch exploder that drops Poena, The Sanctified on his noggin!!
The arena is shaking from the screaming kids and moms, rooting a labored Lynx to get onto his good wheel. He pumps his fists as they feed his strength and recovery. Lynx irish whips Poena into the ropes and cartwheels into a kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx butterflies Poena’s arms and flips him into a tiger driver!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Poena claps his legs together on Lynx’s head
Lynx goes to the outside and slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope, but as he pushes off his knee buckles, and he lands awkwardly on his feet in the ring. Poena blows his turquoise mist into Lynx’s eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh no, Amazing Grace!
Phillip Blauer: Ahhhh!! Some of it got on my jacket!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena hooks the blinded Lynx with a front facelock and hooks his leg, he lifts him up into his crosslegged kneebreaker brainbuster!! Anathema!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
"Malleus Maleficarum” by Peter Gundry plays and Poena stands right up, staring down at Lynx
Guillermo O’Bannon: Once again, divine intervention, and that mist, helps Poena, The Sanctified defeat another foe on his rise to the top in Hardkore World.
Greg Jin: “At 15 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…POENA, THE SANCTIFIED!!!”
The fans howl with boos as Poena, The Sanctified, who rips his hand away from Kelly O’Connell and raises his own hand
Phillip Blauer: Is it poisonous? Am I gonna die?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably.
Phillip Blauer: If only I had second chance, I would be thoughtful and kind. I would shed the vanity and earthly pleasures and commit myself to a life of religious and spiritual fulfillment!
***local commercial***
Camera opens on a man in his early thirties with alot of tattoos and a complicated beard
Skyler: Sup Coachella Valley, I’m Skyler?
A few seconds of silence and then the director speaks up
Director (whispers off camera) Tell them about your store, Skyler.
Skyler: Oh right, for sure. So I get like super baked on the reg, right? One time I couldn’t stop staring at my cat and I noticed he was not in tune with the universe, you know? Like at all. Just toxic vibes if I’m being honest. So I created The Pet Dispensary!
A graphic comes up of Pet Dispensary in the Pet Cemetery font. Fade to a nebbish looking man in a sweater and glasses
Skyler: The Desert’s only pet only cannabis dispensary. Open your dog, cat, hamster, or fish’s mind with our vast selection of cannabinoid infused pet foods, seeds, and fish foods. Really connect with your fur or scale companion.
A graphic comes up of Pet Dispensary in the Pet Cemetery font. Fade to a nebbish looking man in a sweater and glasses
Satisfied Customer: There've been some break ins in my neighborhood, but I do not believe in guns. I decided I needed a companion and I also do not support puppy mills, so I got a rescue. He’s a rottweiler named…Mephistopheles. In his previous forever home, he was the only thing left standing after that infamous explosion at the meth lab in Desert Hot Springs.
Cut to the file footage of Desert Hot Springs police holding Mephistopheles at bay by gunpoint
Satisfied Customer: We had some challenges, initially. I still am not allowed to sleep in the master bedroom and he has urinated on everything I own. So I decided to try the Pet Dispensary and the results have been amazing. Has he become nicer? Yes. Did he gain 74 pounds? Also yes.
Skyler: So come on down to The Pet Dispensary, we are not responsible for any bad trips because for real, that’s your dog’s own negativity manifesting itself, man.
The Pet Dispensary graphic returns
We fade into the back of a limo, an anxious-looking Alexander Von Blankenship taps his fingers on the armrest, as he gazes out of the window.
Passing all of the glorious Los Angeles scenery. Hopeless camps and large buildings.
What a shit hole, AVB mumbles as he continues to look out of the window. Slowly and almost annoyed he turns to address the camera.
Los Angles is just a ran down dump, but that is way more than I can say for the Hardkore World. Couldn't be bothered to put this company on the map and book a World Title match at Night of Champions. That bothered me enough for me to show up and at least make my face seen at the biggest global event of the year. I did what I have been doing since this company reopened. I put it on my back, strapped it the fuck down, and did everything I can to make it better than it was yesterday. Give it, and myself a little more exposure to the masses. I showed up at Night of Champions, popped into the Main Event, and raised the level of the entire event.
AVB gazes back out of the window again.
Just like I will again tonight. I will single-handedly raise the bar of what it means to be Hardkore. I don't need Marty and his Mousecapades. Marty needs me because without me he would be just another hack with a sloppy stick, in a company that would die without me. Your piss poor excuse for a Champion needs me, to make his reign relevant, to give the idea that there is an actual hunt for the title. Your win over me was tainted. You know it, I know it, and the rest of the XHF Network knows it.
The limo comes to a sudden stop. The Blessed one door opens and sunlight blasts into the cabin. AVB puts on a pair of sunglasses and addresses the Hardkore Camera one more time.
Tonight the building of a legend continues, I will show not only the XHF Network but the entire world what it's like to be truly Blessed.
His Grace gets out of the car and slams the door behind him.
A thick cloud-like haze fills the entryway, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
The Toyota Center rocks with boos. After several moments, AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. He holds his arms out, soaking in the absolute vitriol coming from the fans. He mouths "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s the start of our double main event, Alexander Von Blankenship teams with Disney’s Marty Donvan to take on the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Syberus and Kilroy Evans. Syberus have been both opponents and partners, but Von Blankenship and Donovan had a match a few weeks back in Coachella where the results were mixed.
Phillip Blauer: Pish posh, that happens with all Dream Teams, my boy. The 2004 US Olympic basketball team, the Lakers, the Yankees, Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake, and Greg Valentine and Dino Bravo. It always boils down to who can be a utility guy amongst peacocks?
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
AVB slowly walking towards the ring he points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes. One guy leans over the railing, flipping off Von Blankenship. AVB stops and stares at him, then smirks in his face, then continues to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship held a press conference to announce that he has a back injury from carrying the Hardkore World roster.
Phillip Blauer: The man is considered day to day.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB proposed a rematch at XHF Night of Champions in Oakland, but Hardkore World management didn’t grant that request, and he blames Syberus for that.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave '
Cause I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
A fan holds up a “Rat Boy” sign that Von Blankenship grabs out of his hand, and tears it in half. AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside. He gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: When Kilroy and Alexander Von Blankenship had their match in San Diego, Kilroy spilled AVB’s blood. Rumor has it, Alexander got pretty upset about it backstage afterwards. But he sells alot of merch, and he thinks that entitles him to call the shots around here.
Phillip Blauer: Having a t-shirt that moves units is like having the conch shell in the Lord of the Flies that is Hardkore World.
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
Guillermo O’Bannon: Meanwhile, Alexander Von Blankenship has not exactly seemed enamored with his partner, calling him King of the Gimmick Matches. Their miscommunications did them no favors in Coachella against Hard & Steel.
Phillip Blauer: You play to your competition. No need to get into a tizzy about Hard & Steel. (folds his arms) I refuse to.
“When You Wish Upon A Star” by Jiminy Cricket plays and the Toyota Center rocks with boos. Marty Donovan walks out dressed as Gorr the God Butcher from Thor: Love and Thunder and is clearly offended by the reaction
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty seems to have expected a warmer welcome from being so close to Anaheim.
Phillip Blauer: LA Fun Fact! Everyone secretly hates you.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan is vexed by the fact that he has never beaten Syberus. They have wrestled on two occasions, and Marty has never been able to get the win.
Marty Donovan heads down to the ring and makes eye contact with Alexander Von Blankenship. Donovan sighs, and flips his head towards him. AVB politely returns the nod
Phillip Blauer: I would hazard a guess these two skipped the pre-show pow-wow on strategy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan is on record as saying that he’s aware of AVB’s accomplishments in his young career but he views him as a liability, and is proclaiming he won’t tag him in to this match.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure the Killer Bees had a night like that too. It happens.
Greg Jin: “The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first; from the Magic Kingdom in Orlando, Florida; Standing 6 feet tall and Weighing 200 pounds; The Official Wrestler of She-Hulk: Attorney At Law, Premiering On August 17th On Disney Plus…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
The fans boo loudly. Marty Donovan signals to Alexander Von Blankenship, “that’s how you do it.” AVB nods and motions for Marty to wait for his introduction
Greg Jin: “His partner is from the city where I became a man, Amsterdam, Netherlands!”
Phillip Blauer: Greg has told me this story, and it is a fairy tale.
Greg Jin: “Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall and Weighing 215 pounds; Your Grace; Always Very Blessed…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
The Toyota Center rocks with boos and AVB just stares at Marty Donovan unnervingly. He points to his earlobe and asks if Donovan can hear the monster heel pop. Marty Donovan blows him off and drops his Gorr cloak to reveal a tight bikini speedo. Then he starts loosening the ropes
Phillip Blauer: Thank God Marty is finally loosening those ropes. They nearly cut Lynx’s head off; they're so tight.
"Rock Club" by Family Jules plays and the audience jumps to their feet! Kilroy Evans walks out in a Pod People MST 3000 t-shirt with the music producer who says “It Stinks!” He walks to the ring at a relaxed pace, slapping hands with fans and taking selfies with them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans is pretty unsure of his partner Syberus’ intentions. They’ve been both partners and traded the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship that Syberus currently holds, and it clearly is in the back of his mind.
Phillip Blauer: Or in the front of his mind. What am I saying? That’s usually whatever chicken sandwich is currently the spiciest.
Kilroy points out the signs that say “AVB SUX, But Call Me Tux!!” with a phone number on the bottom, “5 Time Champion Syberus”, and “The Only Person Who Hates AVB More Than Me Is His Partner”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has assured Kilroy that he doesn’t plan to betray Kilroy, but his career history gives one pause.
Kilroy Evans walks into the ring, smiling at Alexander Von Blankenship.
Then the lights cut out and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens. "Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd reach their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open to reveal the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage. The Great Syberus takes a brief look around at the crowd before heading down the ramp
Guillermo O’Bannon: The first time 5 time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion gets two of his contenders in one match, but his partner is the guy who dropped him with The Bad Touch in Coachella.
Once up the ring steps, Syberus acknowledges Kilroy while wiping his feet on the apron. He steps through the ropes and circles the ring for a second before hopping up in one corner and raising both fists in the air
Greg Jin: “And their opponents; Featuring first, from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches; Weighing 245 pounds; The World’s Most Huggable Wrestler, Professional Wrestling’s Uncool Uncle…KILROY EVANS!! His partner is from Manchester; England; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 220 pounds; 110%; The Five Time HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!”
The Los Angeles fans let out a loud pop for Syberus and and Kilroy Evans while Syberus holds up the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Tag Team Match, 30 Minute Time Limit
The Great Syberus & Kilroy Evans
vs.
Disney's Marty Donovan & Alexander Von Blankenship
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell while Greg Jin, Alexander Von Blankenship, and Kilroy Evans leave the ring. Syberus and Disney’s Marty Donvovan lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs a side headlock. He locks his forearm across the temple of Marty Donovan. Marty pulls Syberus’ ponytail back.
The fans boo as Tommy Milligan admonishes Marty Donovan for the hair pull. Tommy starts the five count, so Marty eventually releases Syberus’ hair. Syberus reapplies the headlock and torques the head and neck of Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan tries to push the 5 time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion off into the ropes, but Syberus hangs on to the headlock. Donovan begins to fight out of it with a wristlock.
The audience applauds as Donovan and Syberus engage in a test of strength. The two jockey for position with Marty getting the upper hand. The fans begin to boo, before Syberus pulls Donovan’s hair and reapplies the headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus plants his feet and flips Donovan over onto his back with a side headlock takedown.
Tommy Milligan lays down on the mat chest first to check in with Marty Donovan as Syberus grinds that on the mat headlock. Syberus rolls Donovan’s shoulders onto the mat
…ONE!
…Marty Donovan rolls Syberus into a cradle!
…ONE!
…Syberus rolls back into a side headlock
Marty Donovan works back up to his feet with Syberus still applying a headlock. Donovan starts talking to Syberus
Marty Donovan: Did you know that Lego Star Wars Summer Vacation is already streaming? Finn encounters three Force ghosts: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, and Leia Organa, who each share their own unexpected stories of vacations gone wrong,
The Great Syberus clamps down harder on the side headlock while the Los Angeles fans begin to boo the inaction
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Syberus was in Los Angeles was in August of 2008, when he and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson used their title shot from winning the Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup to defeat The Fists of Blood in a steel cage match for the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships.
Marty Donovan: It helps Finn to understand that holidays are about more than just having fun.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus pulls him down into a front headlock. He clamps down on Donovan’s head and neck, while peeling back on his head.
Some pockets of the audience chants “Boring!” Tommy Milligan checks in but Marty refuses to give up. Disney’s Marty Donovan pulls Syberus’ legs up into an inverted atomic drop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan runs into the ropes, tucks and tumbles into a roll, then takes Syberus out with a rolling wheel kick!
The fans boo. Donovan pulls him up into a front facelock, and then rolls Syberus into a neckbreaker! Marty sits up to soak in the boos while Alexander Von Blankenship reaches out for a tag. Donovan looks at the camera and shakes his head, while AVB rolls his eyes and rescinds his hand
Phillip Blauer: Marty will not tag in Von Blankenship. I don’t think he liked AVB showing him up in local hatred.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Disney’s Marty Donovan was in LA was in August of 2008 when he lost to the late Adrian Tanner Jr. in a barbed wire match for the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship. Donovan irish whips Syberus into the ropes and nails him between the eyes with a flying forearm!
The Toyota Center jeers as Syberus reaches out for a tag from Kilroy Evans
Kilroy Evans: OK, I can take it. When are you going to turn on me?
Syberus shakes his head and crawls towards Kilroy Evans who has his hand out. Marty Donovan cuts him off and applies an abdominal stretch to Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Great Syberus plants his feet and hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch! He catches an oncoming Marty Donovan with an arm drag. And another deep arm drag.
Syberus flips Marty into his corner with an ipponzei judo throw and tags in Kilroy, who comes in and quickly scoops Donovan up into a shoulderbreaker. Kilroy then turns to Syberus in the corner
Kilroy Evans: I just want you to be honest. Is it now? Is it later on?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans flips Marty over into a snap mare. He pulls Marty up and irish whips him into the ropes, taking him out with a roundhouse kick!
The audience cheers Kilroy! Kilroy Evans gut wrench suplexes Marty across the ring.Marty sits up but Kilroy steps over the back of his neck and starts pulling up on Donovan’s ankles and feet with a stump puller
Kilroy Evans: Look, I just don't get it. Disney owns 'Dave The Barbarian!' If they're not gonna put it on DVD ever at all, why not put it on streaming?!
Marty Donovan: Ahh! Argh! The…The ratings don’t justify that.
Phillip Blauer: What is Kilroy talking about?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was a cartoon on Disney Channel about a barbarian named Dave, and…
Phillip Blauer: For pete’s sake, don’t actually tell me what he’s talking about.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans pulling up on those ankles of Marty Donovan, putting pressure on the back of his neck. Last time Kilroy wrestled in LA was in August of 2008, when he defeated Poke the Clown in a thumbtacks match for the Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I do miss Poke the Clown.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What do you think he’s doing right now?
Phillip Blauer: Time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, yeah. Yup. Anyway, Kilroy pulls Marty to his feet and starts laying in some stiff punches. Marty tries to kick him in the stomach, but Kilroy catches his leg.
The Toyota Center pops as Marty hops on one leg
Kilroy Evans: Are you telling me the Aladdin series wouldn't do numbers on nostalgia alone? It was a fun show, where is it?
Disney’s Marty Donovan swings around with an enzuigiri to the back of the head! The arena quiets and Donovan puts his hands over his eyes like he’s riding a flying carpet to the boos of the crowd
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy Evans maybe not as focused as he usually is. He suspects his partner Syberus of being secretly planning to betray him, and he’s trying to get his customer service questions answered by his in-ring opponent.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s just so hard to talk to an actual person, this could be his only shot.
Alexander Von Blankenship puts his hand out. Marty Donovan looks at him and seems to consider tagging AVB in
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan seems to be hesitant to tag in his own partner, this is just ridiculous.
Phillip Blauer: If it ain’t broke!
Donovan shrugs Von Blankenship off and shoots Kilroy into the ropes before hitting a hurricanrana! ! He sits up and soaks in the jeers, then yells
Marty Donovan: I LOVE DISNEY PLUS!!!
The boos get louder and AVB shakes his head in the corner, holding the tag rope. Marty Donovan pulls Kilroy up into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dragon suplex by Marty!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans gets his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty moves in, but Kilroy trips him with a drop toehold. He pulls Donovan up into a headlock, and then runs across the ring with a bulldog!
The fans cheer and Kilroy tags in Syberus. Syberus pulls down his kneepad, while Kilroy holds Marty’s arm out, while he’s on his still on his belly
Guillermo O’Bannon: Muscle Killer kneedrop to the back of Marty’s elbow!
Marty snatches back his arm under his stomach and kicks his toes into the mat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I bet he’s regretting not tagging in Alexander Von Blankenship when he had a chance.
Phillip Blauer: We in the Disney family don’t look over our shoulder at what we should have done. As the great Disney movie, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory once said “We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That wasn’t a Disney movie.
Phillip Blauer: Not yet, but we are also the yawning black hole of intellectual property.
Phil plays a little flute. Syberus rolls Donovan onto his back, and sits both his knees on Marty’s stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus now grinding his forearm into Marty’s face and mouth, trying to break his nose, and not allowing him to get any new air.
Phillip Blauer: Classic English wrestling style in which I mean it seems dickish.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion pulls him into the corner and drapes his arm over the top rope. He steps to the outside and drops to the floor with Marty’s arm, wrenching it over the top rope!
Marty yelps in pain, and then starts crawling towards Alexander Von Blankenship who smugly smiles. He only slightly presents his hand for a tag
Phillip Blauer: Alligator arms, classic power move.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus back into the ring and snaps Marty back with a russian legsweep! He uses the momentum to roll on top of him, with his chest smothering Donovan’s face
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs another headlock. He locks his hands together and tries to twist Marty’s head like a bottle cap.
Marty Donovan lifts Syberus up into an atomic drop, and sets the balls of his feet on the top rope, then turns around into a neck hung neckbreaker! The fans boo and Marty starts crawling over to Alexander Von Blankenship
Guillermo O’Bannon: It appears Marty has reconsidered his handicap match policy he had prior.
Phillip Blauer: But will Von Blankenship accept this change in policy?
AVB rolls his eyes and tags in, then hits Syberus as he’s getting up with a flurry of punches
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus and Von Blankenship finally get their hands on each other! Syberus tries to answer with a kick but AVB catches it and dragon screw legwhips him to the ground.
The Toyota Center boos. Alexander Von Blankenship holds the ropes for balance and then stomps Syberus’ leg and knee over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship hooks Syberus up and snap suplexes him hard to the mat. He gets on top of Syberus and begins pummeling him with punches
Alexander Von Blankenship: Where were you at Night of Champions?? Where’s my title shot?
The fans jeer and boo, AVB looks at them, and then starts punching Syberus some more. Kilroy demands Tommy Milligan force AVB to stop using closed fists, which Tommy tries without success
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB pulls him up by the hair, but Syberus basement dropkicks him in the knee. He grabs Von Blankenship in a full nelson and then sits out into a bubba bomb!
The LA fans cheer and Syberus tags in Kilroy Evans. Kilroy drop toeholds AVB’s throat on the second rope, and Syberus comes off the ropes and hits the back of Von Blankenship’s head with his legs with a sit out leg lariot
Guillermo O’Bannon: You have to admit, the former Society of the New Breed stablemates are operating a much more cohesive unit as a team.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t have to admit a damn thing. I have attorneys for such a thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dorothy…
Phillip Blauer: Dorothy has attorneys for such a thing.
Kilroy Evans turns his back to Syberus and looks over his shoulder to see if his partner going to turn on him
Syberus: Just wrestle!
Kilroy Evans: Alright, we'll circle back around to this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans shoots AVB into the ropes and flips him across the ring with a belly to belly suplex!
The Toyota Center pops as Von Blankenship sits up from the pain, he asks for a timeout as Kilroy Evans moves in for the kill. He goes to irish whip again, but hangs onto his hand and pulls him into a shortarm headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shake Hands with Danger!
Phillip Blauer: Sounds like what they call masturbating in Australia.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans smashes his face into the mat with an inverted russian legsweep!
Alexander Von Blankenship begs for mercy, and Kilroy looks to the crowd to see if he should give him any. The LA crowd says “NO!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: When Kilroy bends down, AVB pokes him in the eye. Von Blankenship smashes him with a right hand and then whacks him with a blistering chop
Von Blankenship tears open Kilroy’s Pod People t-shirt and smacks him with another chop so hard it rings through the Toyota Center. He backs Kilroy into the ropes with a third chop and then irish whips him into the other side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Spinebuster by AVB! He tags in Disney’s Marty Donovan and then when Kilroy gets up he kicks Evans in the balls!
The Toyota Center rocks with boos and Marty steps up onto the second turnbuckle, then points to Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Panama sunrise…
Phillip Blauer: Actually that’s the Costa Pacifica Sunrise now.
Phil points back at Marty, who does the double guns. Donovan irish whips Kilroy into the corner and follows him in a step behind with a dropkick! Donovan sweeps Kilroy’s legs out from under him with a kick, then steps through the ropes out on to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan slingshots over the ropes into a corner dropkick that nearly caves in Kilroy’s chest!
The fans boo and Marty smiles at Syberus standing in the corner. He stands up and does the belt motion around his waist and the jeers get louder. He grabs Kilroy in a side headlock and then takes him down into a puma blanca submission
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty pulls back on Kilroy’s bent arm while clamping down on his head with the leg scissors.
Marty Donovan: Don’t forget to check out the premiere of I Am Groot!
Tommy Milligan checks in with Kilroy Evans, who refuses to give up. Syberus reaches out for the tag while the Los Angeles fans clap faster and faster to root Kilroy on
Marty Donovan: The mischievous toddler Baby Groot learns how to grow up…(cranks back on Kilroy’s arm) amongst the trouble in the stars… (leans back while tightening his vice-like grip around Kilroy’s neck) along with the help of his friends and family in the ragtag superhero team the Guardians of the Galaxy!
Phillip Blauer: Marty has recently thrown his hat into the world of automobile racing, entering CAR. No long is stock car racing just for beer bellied hay seed bumper stick enthusiasts with farmer tans. It’s for Marty as well.
Kilroy is able to hook his leg around the bottom rope and Tommy Milligan calls for Marty Donovan to break the puma blanca
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan tags Alexander Von Blankenship back in, who scoops him up into and then tosses him across the ring with a fallaway slam!
The audience boos as AVB kips back up to his feet. Kilroy starts trying to crawl over and tag in Syberus, but AVB cuts him off with a stomp. He pulls Evans up into a front facelock, and then rolls him into a swinging neckbreaker! Kilroy sits up, clutching the back of his neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship rakes his nails across the eyes of Kilroy, trying to blind him!
The jeers get louder and louder and a chant of “FUCK AVB! FUCK AVB! FUCK AVB!” rings through the Toyota Center. A blinded Kilroy stands to his feet and walks right into a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Kilroy Evans starts biting AVB’s nose!
Phillip Blauer: Leaping lizards! Would Tommy get control of this thing??
The Toyota Center is deafening as Kilroy is now on his feet, while AVB runs in place from the pain of Kilroy sinking his teeth into Von Blankenship’s nose
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy drops down into a jawbreaker!
Kilroy dives over and tags in The Great Syberus to a huge pop! He runs into the ring and rakes AVB’s eyes to see how he likes it
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Eye Rake From Hell! He ties AVB’s arms in the ropes and begins smashing him in the face with elbows!
Disney’s Marty Donovan runs into the ring to help his partner, but Syberus cuts him off with a kick to the shin, then the knee, and then smashes his face into the turnbuckle so hard Marty bounces back and rolls out of the ring. But it gives Tommy Milligan enough time to free AVB from the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus turns around into a slap by AVB!
The fans let out a collective “OH!” and Syberus turns his cheek.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship pulled this same stunt at Palm Springs Punishment 2022 and…
The Great Syberus looks back at Von Blankenship with fire in his eyes, as AVB begs off, asking Syberus to calm down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus lets loose on Alexander Von Blankenship with right hands, peppering him in the face with those stiff punches. He grabs AVB’s fingers and twists them back!
Alexander Von Blankenship howls in pain while Tommy Milligan begs Syberus to stop. He grabs AVB in an inverted facelock and drops down into a reverse DDT, then applies a cross armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pulls up on that arm of AVB, trying to rip it out of it’s socket. AVB refuses to tap out to Milligan, and finally is able to poke Syberus’ eyes with his free arm.
Alexander Von Blankenship shakes some feeling into his arm and slowly gets back to his feet. Hes able to pulls Syberus into a double underhook and lifts him and twists into an angel’s wings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Purification!
The fans boo and AVB rolls over and tags in Disney’s Marty Donovan. Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle and flips into a 450 splash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ode to Romero!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Marty Donovan pulls Syberus up in an inverted facelock, and then lifts him up into Inverted suplex into a snapping backwards DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Better Than Cobryn!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
The fans boo as Disney’s Marty Donovan makes the restaurant check signal and makes an arrogant cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty jumps onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai DDT, but The Great Syberus rolls out of it into diamond cutter!
The audience comes to life as both men lie there and Kilroy Evans and Alexander Von Blankenship reach their hands out for tags
Kilroy Evans: Oh! Bad Touch! You did my move! That’s foreshadowing! Definite foreshadowing!
Disney’s Marty Donovan crawls over for a tag but Syberus jumps on his back with a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan locked in the European Three Quarter Nelson! Syberus pushes down on the back of his neck while cinching up on Marty’s chicken winged arm.
Tommy Milligan checks in to see if he wants to quit, but Marty keeps shouting “No!” Alexander Von Blankenship runs in and stomps Syberus to break up the the European Three Quarter Nelson, and now here is Kilroy Evans!
Guillermo O’Bannon: And now here is Kilroy Evans with a spear to AVB!
The crowd roars as all four men are in the ring and Syberus reapplies a standing European Three Quarter Nelson, and Tommy Milligan goes back to looking for the tap out. Kilroy motions for AVB to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans with The Bad Touch, but Alexander Von Blankenship pushes off into the ropes and clocks Kilroy with his Baptism superman punch!
The fans boo as Kilroy rolls to the floor. Alexander Von Blankenship turns around and stomps Syberus in the back of the knee which allows Donovan to escape the European Three Quarter Nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan holds Syberus in a full nelson for Alexander Von Blankenship.
The noise grows as AVB says “You ain’t champ!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: This time Syberus is able to slip out of the fell nelson and Alexander Von Blankenship accidentally slaps his own partner Marty!
Huge pop as Marty Donovan stares at Alexander Von Blankenship. AVB tries to explain to that he didn’t mean to hit him as Marty slowly walks towards him
Phillip Blauer: Marty took a real chance tagging this kid in and this is how he repays him?
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB is fresh out of friends!
Syberus runs off the ropes to AVB, but Marty Donovan cuts him off with a sky high flapjack into the air, and then AVB catches him by the hair on the way down and smashes his face into the mat!! The crowd buzzes with confusion
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wait, wha- How did they patch that up so quick?
Alexander Von Blankenship holds Syberus by the hair while Marty Donovan hits the ropes and caves his face in with a v-trigger knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Dis-Knee!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!
The Toyota Center is deafening with boos as “Blessed Up” by Wande plays
Greg Jin: “At 24 minutes 40 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN AND ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan and AVB now continuing to stomp and kick the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion after the bell! Suddenly they’re working as a pretty cohesive unit.
Phillip Blauer: Sometimes it takes a while to gel.
The bell rings over and over as Kilroy Evans rolls back into the ring. He charges Von Blankenship and Donovan but Donovan throws him up into their sky high flapjack with a hairpull bulldog that they just used on Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship and Syberus now putting the boots to Kilroy Evans! Marty holding Kilroy for AVB as he comes off the ropes with another Baptism!
Marty pulls Kilroy up and Alexander Von Blankenship gets underneath him, lifting Evans up on his shoulders into his burning hammer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Omnipotence on Kilroy Evans!!
The Los Angeles crowd boos and toss trash into the ring at Alexander Von Blankenship and Marty Donovan, who welcome their hate. The fans chant “MARTY SUCKS! MARTY SUCKS! MARTY SUCKS!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks as though Alexander Von Blankenship and Marty Donovan just allowed Syberus and Kilroy to think they were clashing, when it looks like they were on the same page all along.
Alexander Von Blankenship steps up on the second rope with his tongue out, as the fans heckle the two of them, then he asks for the mic from Greg. AVB stands over Syberus and Kilroy’s bodies
Alexander Von Blankenship: Oh, my, how the mighty have fallen, and look who is still standing.
The crown boos louder. The Blessed One smirks, as he leans against the top rope, grapevining his leg through the bottom rope, almost as if he is attempting to get into the fans' faces
Alexander Von Blankenship: You people shut the hell up. You bring your signs, and you think that makes any difference? Rat Boy and Mouse Man just laid waste to your heroes. The gods, both of above and from below, reached out, they took the most holy of the holy water, they took the tears of both Jesus and Satan....
Marty sticks his head over AVBs shoulder.
Marty Donovan: And the tears of Walt Disney.
The Blessed one looks at Marty and flashes that Cheshire Cat smile.
Alexander Von Blankenship: They took all those tears, mixed them all up. All the good, the bad and the amazing. Then they placed a single drop of all of that holy of holy tear water right onto the forehead of the Blessed one. They placed one drop of that glorious tear water right onto the forehead of Marty Donovan and now.........
AVB backs up and looks Marty right in his eyes, Marty glares back before the two break eye contact. The Blessed one grabs Marty arm and holds it high in the air.
Alexander Von Blankenship: We are now the Anointed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Son of a…
Marty Donovan: Are you watching, Johnnie? It has been 16 long years since you refused to anoint me. I'm not going to let you sabotage this sweet kid too. It doesn't matter who these idiot fans clap for, it doesn't matter who the boys in the back are politicking for, and it sure as hell doesn't matter what any Valentine thinks. From this moment on, AVB and Marty Donovan are The Anointed!
"Blessed Up " by Wande plays as The Los Angeles' fans boo. The Anointed hug in the center of the ring with Syberus and Kilroy slowly coming to as the camera fades
***local commercial***
A shirtless middle aged man stands amongst piles of stacked wood, wearing jeans and holding an axe
Paul: Hello, my name is Paul of Paul’s Firewood. You know, alot of people ask me, “Paul, where do you get such quality firewood for the Valley’s fireplaces? The truth is that me and Katherine got divorced. And the truth is, her lawyer was quite a bit better than mine, and she and Jason wound up getting the house, the kids, the dog and the good car. The only thing my lawyer could get was the furniture.
Quick pan out to stacks of furniture surrounding Paul
Paul: So allow my utter humiliation to be your good fortune. The end table we got at that antique store in Yucca Valley that time it rained and we ate at that terrible Chinese restaurant?
Smashes an ax through it
FIREWOOD!
Paul: The china cabinet we got from your parents even though we have no china?
Smashes an ax through it over and over, until he cuts it into pieces
FIREWOOD!
Paul: The entertainment center we put together that led to that fight where you said you never respected me after I dropped out of barber college?
Paul hits the entertainment center with an ax. He tries to hold back tears while he struggles to pull the ax out. He begins quietly crying. Paul gets the ax out and gives it another half hearted whack that does minor damage. He begins to loudly sob, and then barely taps it with his ax
FIREWOOD!
Paul: So come on down to Paul’s Firewood, where my prices are lower than what I felt when Jason taught my son how to ride a bike!
Fade back to Guillermo and Phil at ringside in the Toyota Center
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here we are, the main event of the evening. A threeway dance to decide the Hardkore West Coast Champion, a title that has a lineage dating back to 1994 when Dilmar Breent threw Jonathan Darkstar over the top rope in that Pasadena battle royal.
Phillip Blauer: Dilmar Breent still sounds like something from a bat language.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The treasured title has been held by Hardkore legends like Syberus, Kilroy Evans, Andrew Karnage, James Fierce, Paul Soutter, The Shootfighter, Cobryn, and “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar himself. Tonight, it is back on the line for the first time in ten years, between Komar, The Sheik, and Natalie Burrows.
"Cayenne" from Final Fantasy 6 plays and the Toyota Center rocks with a monster heel pop. “Deathstryke Cyan Komar steps through the curtain and is met with a tidal wave of boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: LA is letting him have it for that sadistic fireball he threw at Andrew Karnage, and his interference in the LA Freeway match with Kilroy Evans and The Sheik.
Phillip Blauer: Frankly, I’m tired of this silly panic. He’s an assassin bent on inflicting pain on most of the roster. What’s the worse that can happen?
Cyan Komar stalks down to ringside while the fans jeer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar didn’t offer much in the way of explanation for his actions, but warned The Sheik that he will seek him out to take him down a peg, and the 30 year veteran can do just that whenever he pleases.
Komar rolls into the ring and sneers at the audience
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stunningly, Komar doesn’t see former Fireside Champion Natalie Burrows as a threat. Many men in his position have underestimated her and found themselves with the loser’s end of the purse.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the audience boos as Malcolm Xavier Graves walks out with a seething Sheik behind him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves warned that he cannot be held responsible for the actions The Sheik commits in this match due to some supposed “games” and “nonsense” committed by Hardkore World management. He claims not to be impressed by Cyan Komar’s extracurricular activities and says Natalie Burrows hasn’t been the same Natalie Burrows since she left Fireside in Philadelphia.
Phillip Blauer: That city will take it out of you. Everyone’s always talking about your mother out there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves has said that The Sheik will bathe them both in a sea of pain.
Phillip Blauer: An ocean of pain, Gabe. Let’s try and keep it professional.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He mentioned purifying the two of them, whatever that means.
Phillip Blauer: Maybe he’s going to forcibly rub sanitizer on them in case they’ve got COVID. I’d suggest everyone start doing that as a form of greeting these days.
I can finally breathe again.
The distorted opening lyrics of 'Breathe Again' plays as the overhead lights dim, the sequence of notes following it triggering coral-colored lights to pulse in time... and when the guitars and drums combine to form an explosion of noise. Every light in the arena as well as the tron goes blinding white--and when it fades back to normal a few seconds later. Natalie Burrows is standing at the top of the ramp, the crowd cheering for the Southern Belle as she looks out over the fans. A nod of acknowledgement is given.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows beat Disney’s Marty Donovan in the first round, which enraged him to the point of cowardly attacking her after the match. However, now she’s in the finals with her chance to win her first Hardkore West Coast Championship.
As video footage plays of some of her hardest-hitting moments in the ring, Natalie makes her way down to the ring, slapping the hands of the fans here and there, but her focus is on the ring. Speeding up at the bottom of the ramp, the Southern Belle slides into the ring, rolling onto her back before kipping up to her feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Listen to that ovation, there’s no question who the crowd favorite is here tonight!
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know how to break it to you but beautiful people are treated pretty well in LA. This crowd would come unglued if Kylie Jenner came out.
Natalie Burrows climbs to the nearest turnbuckle and she looks out over the crowd, motioning around her waist that she wants the Hardkore West Coast Championship before doing a couple stretches to prepare for Sheik and Cyan Komar
Greg Jin: “The following is the main event of the evening. It is a Threeway Dance for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP!”
The crowd roars as spotlights whirl around the audience
Greg Jin: “Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Hong Kong, China; Standing at 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; The Former Hardkore West Coast Champion…’DEATHSTRYKE’ CYAN KOMAR!!!
The Toyota Center boos while Komar does exercises to steady his breathing
Greg Jin: “Accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The King of the LA Freeway Match…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Sheik paces from side to side, staring at “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar who keeps motioning for him to come hither while he continues his martial arts exercises
Greg Jinr: “From Durham, in the Tar Heel State, North Carolina; Standing 5 feet 9 inches tall; Weighing 165 pounds…’THE SOUTHERN BELLE’ NATALIE BURROWS!!!”
Thunderous pop from the Los Angeles fans as Burrows nods in appreciation
Hardkore West Coast Championship
Threeway Match
Natalie Burrows
vs.
The Sheik
vs.
"Deathstryke" Cyan Komar
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and all all three competitors eye one another warily
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik walks into a roundhouse kick by Natalie Burrows!
“Deathstryke” Cyan Komar grabs her and flips her into a fireman’s carry. He irish whips her into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows handsprings into the ropes and then backflips into an elbow that catches both Komar and Sheik!
Big reaction from the Toyota Center! Burrows dropkicks Sheik in the knee so he drops to his knees, then whacks him with a stiff kick to the middle of the back! The audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of her boot smacking Sheik’s spine while he arches his back in pain. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells at him to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nat turns around into a reverse knife edge by “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar. Another one backs her into the ropes, but she responds with a kick to his upper thigh. Komar answers with a kick to her side.
Burrows goes up high with a kick to the side of Komar’s face to get a wobble, but Komar steadies himself and hits her in the chest with an open palm strike
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows hits Komar with a front kick to the stomach, but Komar ducks a follow up roundhouse and sweeps out her legs from under her!
Phillip Blauer: You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit in the wind, you don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger and you don’t get in a kicking contest with a ninja.
The fans boo, but then Natalie kips up onto her feet and pops the crowd. The Sheik walks over and catches a reverse roundhouse kick from Natalie Burrows
Guillermo O’Bannon: Burrows irish whips Cyan Komar into the ropes and then takes him out with a spinning heel kick!
Natalie Burrows ties up The Sheik’s legs and snaps back into a russian legsweep. She uses the momentum to roll up to her feet and leg drops Sheik
…ONE!
…The Sheik kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar tries to sneak up on her with a kick, but Natalie catches his leg. She feints a dragon screw but then sweeps Komar’s leg out from under him
Natalie Burrows steps out onto the apron, and then slingshots herself onto the middle of the top rope, then springboards off into a clothesline that takes out both Komar and The Sheik!! Huge ovation from the crowd that chants “NAT! NAT! NAT!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows goes for a kick to The Sheik, but the Sheik catches her leg.
The fans boo as The Sheik smiles sadistically at her predicament. So much so he doesn’t notice her swinging around with an enzuigiri, turning those cheers into jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar irish whips Natalie but Burrows reverses it and shoots Komar into the corner. She grabs The Sheik and irish whips him into Komar! She runs, then tucks and rolls into a tumbling back elbow!
Both men stumble out of the corner and fall on their faces. Natalie Burrows pulls The Sheik up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes but he hops onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Springboard back elbow! The Sheik irish whips Burrows into the ropes and catches her with a slingblade clothesline!
The Toyota Center boos. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar climbs to the top rope, and when Natalie gets to her feet, she catches a knife edge chop between the eyes from Komar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Natalie Burrows gets to her knees and “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar smacks her in the face with a shining wizard!
The Los Angeles fans let out a collective “OH!” The Shiek scoops Burrows up into a michinoku driver
…ONE!
…Natalie Burrows kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar irish whips Burrows into the ropes and catches her with a tiltawhirl powerslam!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Natalie Burrows kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: For whatever reason, Komar and The Sheik seem to be focusing their attacks on the former Fireside Champion.
Phillip Blauer: Sexism.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik irish whips her into the ropes and dips down for a backdrop but Natalie goes up and over with a sunset flip!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Cyan Komar stomps the back of Natalie’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cyan Komar lifts Burrows up into a fireman’s carry and then hotshots her throat on the top rope!
The Toyota Center rocks with boos as Malcolm Xavier Graves directs The Sheik to attack her. The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps off with a flying leg drop down across the face of Natalie Burrows!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Natalie Burrows kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik begins stomping Natalie Burrows about the face and ribs. Cyan Komar then pulls her up into a full nelson and tosses her back into a release dragon suplex!
The Sheik goes to the outside apron, and then slingshots himself into a splash on Burrows
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Natalie Burrows kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik and “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar have not laid a hand on each other the entire match. They possibly fear what Burrows could do if they don’t take her out. Komar irish whips Burrows into the ropes and catches her with a huracanrana!
The fans chant “NAT! NAT! NAT!” trying to will her to her feet as The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring and backflips into a moonsault
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Natalie Burrows kicks out!
Suddenly the lights go out!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is going on??
Phillip Blauer: Isn’t it obvious? Rocky Valentine Jr. has blown the fuse with Natalie Burrows entrance.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think that’s it. Can we? Hello? We need the lights on.
Cellphones and flashes illuminate the ring slightly and then a slight “Oh!” is head and some rumbling in the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: We appear to have some action in the ring but no lights.
The lights come on and a shocking sight is in the ring. Natalie Burrows is laid out with turquoise mist on her face. Standing over her is Poena, The Sanctified. “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar, The Sheik, and Malcolm Xavier Graves are bowed down in front of him in deference and worship. Tommy Milligan is laying in a heap on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is this??
Phillip Blauer: I’ve covered enough cults in my news days to know we got ourselves a bit of a situation here. We need to call Janet Reno.
The Toyota Center pours boos on the four men as Poena seems to be soaking in their hatred and raising his arms out.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This has been a handicap match the whole damn time!
Poena, The Sanctified nods towards The Sheik. Malcolm Xavier Graves taps him on the shoulder and Sheik looks up
Poena: You have been chosen.
The Sheik nods and “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar and Poena, The Sanctified hold Natalie by her arms. The Sheik hits her with his black mass kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Accolade with an assist by Poena and Cyan Komar!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the audience boos. Malcolm Xavier Graves grabs the Hardkore West Coast Championship and hands it to The Sheik. Komar and Poena help strap it around his waist
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 21 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE SHEIK!!!”
The crowd boos and Malcolm Xavier Graves points to the belt, and then points to Poena, The Sanctified. Poena nods and then starts talking to the heavens
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think for once you’re right, Phil. I think Cyan Komar’s recent slew of violent attacks on Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans, could have been the bidding of Poena, The Sanctified? Or maybe he wanted to show Poena the sadism he was capable of? And now it appears that Malcolm Xavier Graves has also become a believer of Poena’s sick religion.
Phillip Blauer: Hey now, I think we should be tolerant of all faiths here in Hardkore World. Even the ones that believe in chains with hooks on them that pull you apart when you’re good? Bad? I forget. But hey, they’re all a little kooky when you think about it. Water into wine? No meat on Fridays? Women can wear dungarees? On a Sunday?? I’ll be over here in my spaceship.
Phil chuckles to himself. Guillermo shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: They lured Natalie Burrows into a trap with having her think this would be a fair fight, and she became a sacrifice to this new faith they espouse.
“Seasons In The Abyss” continues to play as The Sheik holds up the Hardkore West Coast Championship, while Poena, Graves and Komar pray over Natalie Burrows unconscious body
Guillermo O’Bannon: I am being told by our director Andrew Valentine Jr. that we are running out of satellite time, so I just have a few seconds to tell you that in a few weeks, we will be back in Belfast, Northern Ireland for the Irish Rage in Belfast 2022 where we will hold a tournament to crown the Hardkore World Tag Team Champions! See ya there fans.
The name of their new group in red blood appears on the video screens
The Oracles of Suffering
