Post by robriot on Aug 18, 2022 15:52:21 GMT -5
Rob Riot sits in the sand of the Australian desert. You don’t have to go far to find the desert in Australia - it’s about eighty per cent of the entire country. Most of this former British penal colony is devoid of human life, but is teeming with poisonous creatures. Snakes, spiders, you name them - Australia’s got them. There are probably some of them close to where the Riot Star’s sitting right now, but he’s used to being surrounded by snakes.
After all, he’s been in the wrestling business for long enough.
It’s quiet, dark, and humid - so much so that Riot is uncharacteristically stripped to the waist, wearing nothing but cargo shorts. As a viewer, you’re waiting for him to speak. As a master of the art, Riot knows you’re growing impatient.
“Any second now. Wait for it…”
As if by Riot’s command, the sun begins to rise over the horizon, bathing the desert in light. It’s nothing but an orange sliver at first, but it soon begins to climb, becoming ever more luminescent as it does. The Englishman, who’s not one of life’s great sun lovers, reaches into the pocket of his shorts and produces sunglasses, which he slips onto his face to gaze at our native star for a moment.
"You know, the sun rises in Australia and New Zealand before it rises anywhere else in the world. Australia is the first place on Earth to experience the new day, the new month, even the new year. This sunrise won't reach England for another nine hours. It won't reach the east coast of North America for another five hours beyond that. That's why Australia was the perfect place for this final - and believe me; it will be final - showdown between SWAT and the forces of inevitability. Hello, I'm Rob Riot of the Bastards, and this week we'll be playing 'inevitability.' Why is Australia the perfect place? Because when you're in Australia and the sun is rising on a new day, you can literally see that the UK and the US are living in the past - and there's nobody living in the past more than these SWAT holdouts."
Riot runs a hand over his shaved head and then pulls his sunglasses down his nose for a moment to inspect it. Sweat. The sun's barely out, but he's already starting to sweat. Blasted heat.
"Donzig, Goth, Eddie D. The last men standing. Three ghouls carrying the banner of a dead promotion even though nobody asked them to do so. To be honest, I don't even know what to make of it. Donzig, do you really care about SWAT? Oh, you can sit on your toy throne and huff and puff, but does the legacy of SWAT really matter to you, or is this just another opportunity to stick your nose into Bastards business? Hell, I say 'Bastards business,' but you've got such an unrequited love thing going on with Frankie that I don't know whether to buy a new hat for the wedding or teach Frank how to fill in a restraining order. You've been directionless ever since the day NPW fell, and now you've circled all the way back around to the Bastards because you know that hitching your bandwagon to us will at least mean people are talking about you for a week or two. The only cause you've ever believed in is yourself, and I'm not even sure you truly believe in yourself anymore. You're chasing Windsor like you've got a death wish. Believe me; he'll grant it. And hooking up with Eddie D after what you did?"
Riot snorts, shaking his head dismissively.
"Edward. Seriously. Where's your professional pride? Donzig worked you like a girl in an Amsterdam window last time out and then beat you like your daddy used to. He embarrassed you in front of the whole world, and yet you're willing to stand side by side with him in the name of a dead promotion? Against the Bastards? Against Billy Fowler, who's beaten you more times than Donzig beats himself off in the morning? I'm so disappointed, Eddie. I knew you were dumb, but I didn't think you were a coward. If you're going to tag with Donzig, the only conclusion I can reach is that you're both. So who does that leave? Oh, yeah, the 2002 rap metal throwback with the psychological issues that Wrestle:UK's doctors apparently see no issue with."
Riot makes a show of clearing his throat. After doing so, he stands up, beats his chest a few times and then ROARS IN AN ANCIENT DIALECT.
"Now the thing is, Goth, nobody other than you or I know what I just said. And that's fine. That's why our friendship is so special. I hope you didn't take offence at any of those extended metaphors and quotes I threw in; I just wanted to be thorough."
He pauses and looks up. The sun is full in the sky now, and the day has truly begun in Australia. The rest of the world will have to wait a little longer.
“Look. What it comes down to is this. I brought you all out here to see the sunrise because Team SWAT have forgotten the mechanics of how these things work. They’ve forgotten that a new day can’t dawn until the previous day ends. They’ve forgotten that a new era can’t begin until the old one has come to an end. When we came to Wrestle:UK, we always knew we were carrying the ashes of NPW. We made those ashes our centrepiece. What we didn’t know is that we were also dragging the bloodied corpse of SWAT, and that the corpse would stick around attracting flies and causing a stink for so long. Wrestle:UK wants to rise, but it can’t do so until it shakes off the past. It’s trapped behind the horizon. So now we come back to the very start of this promo, kids, because remember the basic science lesson - the sun rises in Australia.”
He approaches the camera.
“Wrestle:UK has been held back for too long. The new day, the new dawn, the new era…it all starts here.”
Riot shuts off the camera. This transmission is over.
After all, he’s been in the wrestling business for long enough.
It’s quiet, dark, and humid - so much so that Riot is uncharacteristically stripped to the waist, wearing nothing but cargo shorts. As a viewer, you’re waiting for him to speak. As a master of the art, Riot knows you’re growing impatient.
“Any second now. Wait for it…”
As if by Riot’s command, the sun begins to rise over the horizon, bathing the desert in light. It’s nothing but an orange sliver at first, but it soon begins to climb, becoming ever more luminescent as it does. The Englishman, who’s not one of life’s great sun lovers, reaches into the pocket of his shorts and produces sunglasses, which he slips onto his face to gaze at our native star for a moment.
"You know, the sun rises in Australia and New Zealand before it rises anywhere else in the world. Australia is the first place on Earth to experience the new day, the new month, even the new year. This sunrise won't reach England for another nine hours. It won't reach the east coast of North America for another five hours beyond that. That's why Australia was the perfect place for this final - and believe me; it will be final - showdown between SWAT and the forces of inevitability. Hello, I'm Rob Riot of the Bastards, and this week we'll be playing 'inevitability.' Why is Australia the perfect place? Because when you're in Australia and the sun is rising on a new day, you can literally see that the UK and the US are living in the past - and there's nobody living in the past more than these SWAT holdouts."
Riot runs a hand over his shaved head and then pulls his sunglasses down his nose for a moment to inspect it. Sweat. The sun's barely out, but he's already starting to sweat. Blasted heat.
"Donzig, Goth, Eddie D. The last men standing. Three ghouls carrying the banner of a dead promotion even though nobody asked them to do so. To be honest, I don't even know what to make of it. Donzig, do you really care about SWAT? Oh, you can sit on your toy throne and huff and puff, but does the legacy of SWAT really matter to you, or is this just another opportunity to stick your nose into Bastards business? Hell, I say 'Bastards business,' but you've got such an unrequited love thing going on with Frankie that I don't know whether to buy a new hat for the wedding or teach Frank how to fill in a restraining order. You've been directionless ever since the day NPW fell, and now you've circled all the way back around to the Bastards because you know that hitching your bandwagon to us will at least mean people are talking about you for a week or two. The only cause you've ever believed in is yourself, and I'm not even sure you truly believe in yourself anymore. You're chasing Windsor like you've got a death wish. Believe me; he'll grant it. And hooking up with Eddie D after what you did?"
Riot snorts, shaking his head dismissively.
"Edward. Seriously. Where's your professional pride? Donzig worked you like a girl in an Amsterdam window last time out and then beat you like your daddy used to. He embarrassed you in front of the whole world, and yet you're willing to stand side by side with him in the name of a dead promotion? Against the Bastards? Against Billy Fowler, who's beaten you more times than Donzig beats himself off in the morning? I'm so disappointed, Eddie. I knew you were dumb, but I didn't think you were a coward. If you're going to tag with Donzig, the only conclusion I can reach is that you're both. So who does that leave? Oh, yeah, the 2002 rap metal throwback with the psychological issues that Wrestle:UK's doctors apparently see no issue with."
Riot makes a show of clearing his throat. After doing so, he stands up, beats his chest a few times and then ROARS IN AN ANCIENT DIALECT.
"Now the thing is, Goth, nobody other than you or I know what I just said. And that's fine. That's why our friendship is so special. I hope you didn't take offence at any of those extended metaphors and quotes I threw in; I just wanted to be thorough."
He pauses and looks up. The sun is full in the sky now, and the day has truly begun in Australia. The rest of the world will have to wait a little longer.
“Look. What it comes down to is this. I brought you all out here to see the sunrise because Team SWAT have forgotten the mechanics of how these things work. They’ve forgotten that a new day can’t dawn until the previous day ends. They’ve forgotten that a new era can’t begin until the old one has come to an end. When we came to Wrestle:UK, we always knew we were carrying the ashes of NPW. We made those ashes our centrepiece. What we didn’t know is that we were also dragging the bloodied corpse of SWAT, and that the corpse would stick around attracting flies and causing a stink for so long. Wrestle:UK wants to rise, but it can’t do so until it shakes off the past. It’s trapped behind the horizon. So now we come back to the very start of this promo, kids, because remember the basic science lesson - the sun rises in Australia.”
He approaches the camera.
“Wrestle:UK has been held back for too long. The new day, the new dawn, the new era…it all starts here.”
Riot shuts off the camera. This transmission is over.