Kunnin', but Brutal (Collision Course - ft. Felix)

[Grimgor Ironhide]

The camera opens to an unusual sight: An ancient dojo surrounded by wilderness, with only the quiet sound of the morning wind. A very relaxing scenery, broken soon by a coarse bellow that echoes around the venerable forest.

“OI! WHERE’Z DEM GITZ!? GRIMGOR’Z ‘ERE!”

Of course, the shout came from Grimgor Ironhide - a very out of place sight in this peaceful location.

“Grimgor. It's good to see you finally took me up on my offer.”

Felix, dressed in a traditional Gi, chuckles softly as he walks up.

“Though I must say… you stick out like a sore thumb.”

Grimgor waves that off.

“Oi’z here ta learn dem Eastern wayz and wot-’ave-ya, ‘cause dat sparkly GIT done stole me GUBBINZ, an’ Oi’z wantz ‘em back!”

“I see… Well, I had a Gi custom made just in case you came by, so let’s get you suited up. Clothes make the… well Ork in this case.

It isn’t long before Grimgor changes into a similar white gi to Felix’s, complete with headband, an outfit that suits him like a pair of guns would an effigy of Christ.

“OKAY! Wot we’z doin’ now?”

“I doubt I have time to teach you any of the more… esoteric ways of my style, but I can think of a few things you could practice and one move in particular you might really like. It’s… Kunnin’ but Brutal, you’d say.”

“Kunnin’ but brutal, just as Mork sez. Yooz got me interested, ‘umie, LET’S DO IT!”

First, Felix has Grimgor stand in front of a dummy, demonstrating a tsuki thrusting punch.

“WAAAAAAAAAAGH!”

When Grimgor tries to replicate the move, the dummy snaps, severed at the mid-section. Felix shakes his head, facepalming. A break is required, so Felix has him do some push-ups… all the while with Felix sitting on his back, drinking tea.

“OI! ‘Umie! Why’z you sittin’ on me while Oi’z workin’ out?”

Felix takes a sip of his tea while looking down at Grimgor, smiling.

“Come now Grimgor, if you can’t do push-ups with me sitting on your back, how can you expect to fight off someone trying to actively keep you down?”

“Well Oi GUESS dat’s a good point…”

And soon, it comes the time for Grimgor to learn his first submission move - the Fujiwara armbar. Felix is first to demonstrate.

“You see Grimgor? Kunnin’ but brutal. You can either sit on top of them and pull their arm back or if you really want to hurt them then you can bridge up with your shoulders on them, like this…”

Grimgor picks up a metal bar, and tries to imitate Felix’s move.

“How’z dis fing work again? Oi’z twist it dis side? Or wuz it dat side? OH WELL! ‘Ere goes nothin’! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!”

Shifting all the weight of his massive body to his arm, Grimgor wrenches the metal bar until it bends like a straw.

SPOILER: Click to show

Felix blinks in amazement at the feat of strength, making a mental note not to let Grimgor get a hold of him if they ever fight… and wondering how many people he’s signed up to have their arm dislocated now…

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“WELL, YA SPARKLY GIT! WOT’S YA DONE STEALIN’ ME GUBBINZ OI’Z DONE ROIGHTFULLY STOLE!? Oi’z figured yooz at LEAST do some better fingz, but DEN YOOZ GET ROIGHT STOMPED!

DAT’S da CORNERSTONE yooz called yerself!? HA! At least when OI won, Oi’s made it a POINT ta defend every single foight! Dat’s ‘cause, UNLIKE YA, Oi’z no posturin’ RUNT! Oi’z already proven Oi’z can defend, an’ now Oi’z gonna prove dat Oi’z can get it BACK WHERE IT BELONGZ!

Oi’ll give ya dis - yooz put Grimgor down. But see, Oi ain’t tapped. Oi ain’t gave up! All ya did wuz put me ta sleep, an’ DEN yooz climbed and tossed yerself on ol’ Grimgor.

But now we’z playin’ a DIFF’RENT game, ‘umie. OI’z da HUNTER now, lookin’ back ta get wot’s roightfully MINE, and dat means OI’z gonna bend yer twiggy arse an’ BREAK IT IN ‘ALF!”

“Wot, yooz thought Oi’z was just brutal!? WELL NOTHIN’ DOIN’! Oi’z just gonna show you some KUNNIN’, an’ Oi’z gonna SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE DA JUICE OUTTA YER BODY! How long iz it gonna take until yer arm snaps like da TWIG yooz are!? Yooz shown how long Oi’z can last. ARE YOOZ GONNA LAST DA SAME!?”

“Oi’z ‘ope, ‘umie, yooz gonna last longer dan you did stayin’ unbeaten after you got me gubbinz. As if DAT wasn’t EMBARRASSIN’ enuff! Yooz grabbed some uvva belt elsewhere, an’ you couldn’t even do DIS place roight. So tell me, ya PRETENSHUS git, were ya doin’ dis ta be da SHININ’ STAR of da NLW? Or just fer yer own glory!?

See, AT LEAST Oi’z ‘onest when I say Oi’z do dis ‘cause DAT’s wot Oi wuz made for. Take away me gubbinz, an’ Oi’z STILL DA ALPHA ORC. We’z take away yer gubbinz, yer sparkly glitz an’ glamor, and WOT ‘ave we left!?

WE ‘AVE A VANITY PROJEKT IZ WOT!”

“Wot, yooz fink I ‘aven’t been payin’ attenshun!? Wuzn’t DAT wot ya said to dat twiggy fing!? Yooz called da masked git a JERNEYMAN, and ‘e KRUMPS ya! Yer SOILED me gubbinz, got kicked out of da tournament, and got shown ta be JUST anuvva RUNT dat can get BEAT.

Now, ‘umie, it’s MY turn. Yooz fink dis sum contest of brute force vs. finery, but now Oi’z gonna play YER game, MY way. Yooz talked about REAL VIOLENCE, and Oi’z showin’ ya WOT DAT MEANS.

An’ when yooz and I are done, MYÔJIN, da Southern States Gubbinz go back ta da place and da status dat yer sparkly arse RUINED, an’ Oi gets ta show yooz and ALL uvva GITZ out dere dat when an Orc learns some BRUTAL KUNNIN’. Yer not juzt gonna get STOMPED, or get hit by da fist of Gork. When you mess wiv DA ALPHA ORC, and Grimgor bringz da Kunnin’…

Yer gonna DIE SCREAMIN’!”

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!"

Fade to black.

1000 words (wordcounter.net)