Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Aug 30, 2017 9:37:22 GMT -5
News Anchor 1: Thanks Bill. That was a great story on the string of murders in Cleveland.
News Anchor 2 (Bill): Oh no problem Ted, it was my pleasure.
News Anchor 1 (Ted): Wait, it was your pleasure to talk about murders?
Bill: Well….no, but I me-
Ted: Haha, I'm just kidding around. Now, in lighter news, wrestling has returned to Akron. As only a few people probably realize, the BDDWF shut down several years ago and as of last month, the doors of their main offices have re-opened. But this time the owner is Bongo the Destroyer of XHF fame-
Bill: Whatever that is-
Ted: Was. It's gone now. Anyway, they have been allowed a spot on our show once a week in which to talk about their latest show to wrap things up. So, without further delay, the representative of XHF: No Mercy, Joey Hawke.
*The camera moves over and sitting next to the two anchors is Joey Hawke (also of XHF fame). He looks a little angry as the two men start to joke about wrestling to each other. He decides to hold in his anger and instead takes a big breath, adjust his papers, then begins speaking.*
Joey: Hey there wrestling fans! That's right, the fine sport of wrestling is back in Akron! So I am here every week to tell you about the latest show that XHF: No Mercy has delivered! This week featured our first show ever and it was…interesting. Only a few people got to see the action as I don't think there were enough posters made-
Bill (off camera): Or because wrestling is stupid.
Joey: But those in attendance were treated to a fun show. Our first match featured two people who….ok, I'm going to be honest, the first match featured two people who I believe have no place in wrestling. The first entrant into the ring was the former WCW World Heavyweight Champion, David Arquette. He wasn't supposed to come out first, but after the crew played his opponent's music for about ten minutes to no avail, they decided to get David out first. Soon though, we saw his opponent, Randy Angel, who is the brother of former XHF interviewer and wrestler Nelly Angel. Unfortunately, Randy is not as skilled as his brother, nor is he as sober. During the final try at playing his music, Randy appeared from under the ring. He crawled out with a bottle of Johnny Walker in hand. It took about five more minutes to get him shuffled into the ring in his stupor. Then it took another five minutes to wrestle the bottle away from him, even after he continually screamed that the match could be made hardcore- apparently he didn't care. After that the match was finally able to start. The two got into a shoving match, David was able to push Randy against the ropes, he then went for a solid punch, but Randy's drunken swaying proved to be his lucky break, as David punched full force into air. This threw off his balance, and the unbalanced Randy then stumbled into him, causing David to fall to the outside. Randy, in celebration leaned over the ropes to trash-talk David….and in his stupor fell over the top rope onto David. Randy then passed out….on top of David. Both were counted out and the match was ruled a draw.
*Joey rolls his eyes at this and lets out a very big sigh before shuffling his way to his next paper.*
Joey: The second match featured the debut of Craig Shultz as he teamed with former president Dave Strong. Dave brought out his valet, and while he didn't hit her or anything, it was quite apparent that he was very mean to her verbally. The crowd didn't take well to this and due to his association with Dave, the crowd didn't react well to Craig. After them came the team of Hardcore Harry and Joe Everyman. Ever the wildcard, Harry came out wearing an XHF T-Shirt. But after entering the ring he proceeded to rip it off and reveal an XHF: No Mercy shirt underneath. But soon he decided he didn't like that shirt either and just took it off, revealing his ugly body. This didn't go over well with the crowd, but Joe Everyman did his best to appease the audience. Now this tag match was something special, as its stipulation was that the referee was near sighted, and didn't have glasses. This proved to be vitally important as quite often, the ref couldn't see when tags were made. At one point Harry had to drag the ref over to his corner to watch as he tagged in Joe Everyman. This sort of thing continued on for a while, but then Dave was struck by inspiration. Due to the ref's ocular handicap, Craig was able to get Joe into his corner, where Dave proceeded to knock him out with a chair. The ref was very confused by all of this, but didn't see what happened. As Joe fell forward, Craig pinned him and the ref counted 1-2-3. Harry was visibly upset by this, and proceeded to show it by getting wasted with Randy Angel, who had by this point wandered again to the ring.
*Joey adjusts his papers again a little.*
Joey: But the action doesn't end there folks! The show also featured the debut of NES, our very own eight-bit luchadore! He was set to take on CK Owens, however, CK seems to have fallen off of the wagon again, as by this point of the show, he was thoroughly drunk and decided that instead of wrestling he'd rather go pick up hookers- which he did by the end of the night quite successfully. The referee was told to start counting CK out, but NES wanted to face his opponent and left the arena in search of him. …both were counted out.
*He looks closely at one of his papers*
Joey: What kind of note is this, is it a foreign language? Oh, it's a squished fly.
*He looks back up at the camera.*
Joey: The main event delivered the excitement we had all hoped it would, but not in the way we thought. With two well know and quite talented former XHF superstars Johnny Styler and Jay Williams in a match together we knew we'd be in for a show, then throwing in another newcomer, Alex Adams, everyone knew that we were in for a treat. Johnny Styler strutted out to the ring very confidently, acting not unlike how he has in the past, very cocky, very odd, and generally quite confusing. Jay was of course quite confident on his way to the ring as well, he was ready to fight as soon as he hit the ring, but the two men had to wait for the new guy, Alex. Alex seemed quite nervous to be in the main event, but excited nonetheless. The three men all went to a corner, but before the bell could ring the lights went out! When they came back on, standing next to the ring were Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg. They had what appeared to be a surfboard with wheels on it and rockets strapped to it- oh, and I think a calculator too. Evil-Borg explained to the crowd that since a few months ago, the Borg's have been trapped in the past, but starting tonight- last night at the show- that would all change. He explained that he had created a "Time Boogie Board" that would send the Borgs back to the Afterward, so that they could regroup and reign down their evil on XHF: No Mercy- and in fact probably the whole world as well. This prompted Shogun-Tron to come out from the back. He challenged Evil-Borg to a dance-off, in the spirit of the 3-way dance- I, um, well I guess he didn't understand that 3-way dance doesn't mean a dance-off, even though Bongo specified that on the promotional posters and had the ref make sure to point that out. Evil-Borg would have none of it though and proclaimed he had better things to do in "….THE AFTERWARD!" But he was soon wishing he hadn't said that as at that point he realized that standing next to him was Mini-Tron, who had been hiding under the ring the whole time. Mini pointed to the board that the Borgs were standing on, and Heavymetal-Borg wooped in panic seeing that the rockets has been activated. The problem with this is that the calculator had not been set, so without a destination time, this was really just a surfboard with rockets on it. As they skidded through the entrance ramp on their rocket-propelled board Evil-Borg yelled "It looks like Team Borg is blasting off again!" Shogun-Tron then announced that the main event could continue….
*Joey sighs*
Joey: …Unfortunately, by this point, Styler had seen a shiny object and had gone to follow it backstage, Jay Williams was so bored by all of this that he just outright left, and poor Alex didn't have any opponents. Shogun-Tron volunteered to dance-off with him, and soon the two were joined by NES. The three then proceeded to Techno-Dance. If you're into that sort of thing I guess it was pretty neat- but I'm not. Anyway, excitement was never in short supply at our first show, and I have a feeling our next show won't disappoint as well. So come see us next week folks, live at the Akron Civic Center. My words don't do the entertainment justice. Anyway, back to you Ted.
*But Ted isn't there, as he already left for the night, as did Bill, the lights just turn off and the camera does that classic news zoom out to watch what's going on thing as the credits roll and Joey huffs out of the news room.*
News Anchor 2 (Bill): Oh no problem Ted, it was my pleasure.
News Anchor 1 (Ted): Wait, it was your pleasure to talk about murders?
Bill: Well….no, but I me-
Ted: Haha, I'm just kidding around. Now, in lighter news, wrestling has returned to Akron. As only a few people probably realize, the BDDWF shut down several years ago and as of last month, the doors of their main offices have re-opened. But this time the owner is Bongo the Destroyer of XHF fame-
Bill: Whatever that is-
Ted: Was. It's gone now. Anyway, they have been allowed a spot on our show once a week in which to talk about their latest show to wrap things up. So, without further delay, the representative of XHF: No Mercy, Joey Hawke.
*The camera moves over and sitting next to the two anchors is Joey Hawke (also of XHF fame). He looks a little angry as the two men start to joke about wrestling to each other. He decides to hold in his anger and instead takes a big breath, adjust his papers, then begins speaking.*
Joey: Hey there wrestling fans! That's right, the fine sport of wrestling is back in Akron! So I am here every week to tell you about the latest show that XHF: No Mercy has delivered! This week featured our first show ever and it was…interesting. Only a few people got to see the action as I don't think there were enough posters made-
Bill (off camera): Or because wrestling is stupid.
Joey: But those in attendance were treated to a fun show. Our first match featured two people who….ok, I'm going to be honest, the first match featured two people who I believe have no place in wrestling. The first entrant into the ring was the former WCW World Heavyweight Champion, David Arquette. He wasn't supposed to come out first, but after the crew played his opponent's music for about ten minutes to no avail, they decided to get David out first. Soon though, we saw his opponent, Randy Angel, who is the brother of former XHF interviewer and wrestler Nelly Angel. Unfortunately, Randy is not as skilled as his brother, nor is he as sober. During the final try at playing his music, Randy appeared from under the ring. He crawled out with a bottle of Johnny Walker in hand. It took about five more minutes to get him shuffled into the ring in his stupor. Then it took another five minutes to wrestle the bottle away from him, even after he continually screamed that the match could be made hardcore- apparently he didn't care. After that the match was finally able to start. The two got into a shoving match, David was able to push Randy against the ropes, he then went for a solid punch, but Randy's drunken swaying proved to be his lucky break, as David punched full force into air. This threw off his balance, and the unbalanced Randy then stumbled into him, causing David to fall to the outside. Randy, in celebration leaned over the ropes to trash-talk David….and in his stupor fell over the top rope onto David. Randy then passed out….on top of David. Both were counted out and the match was ruled a draw.
*Joey rolls his eyes at this and lets out a very big sigh before shuffling his way to his next paper.*
Joey: The second match featured the debut of Craig Shultz as he teamed with former president Dave Strong. Dave brought out his valet, and while he didn't hit her or anything, it was quite apparent that he was very mean to her verbally. The crowd didn't take well to this and due to his association with Dave, the crowd didn't react well to Craig. After them came the team of Hardcore Harry and Joe Everyman. Ever the wildcard, Harry came out wearing an XHF T-Shirt. But after entering the ring he proceeded to rip it off and reveal an XHF: No Mercy shirt underneath. But soon he decided he didn't like that shirt either and just took it off, revealing his ugly body. This didn't go over well with the crowd, but Joe Everyman did his best to appease the audience. Now this tag match was something special, as its stipulation was that the referee was near sighted, and didn't have glasses. This proved to be vitally important as quite often, the ref couldn't see when tags were made. At one point Harry had to drag the ref over to his corner to watch as he tagged in Joe Everyman. This sort of thing continued on for a while, but then Dave was struck by inspiration. Due to the ref's ocular handicap, Craig was able to get Joe into his corner, where Dave proceeded to knock him out with a chair. The ref was very confused by all of this, but didn't see what happened. As Joe fell forward, Craig pinned him and the ref counted 1-2-3. Harry was visibly upset by this, and proceeded to show it by getting wasted with Randy Angel, who had by this point wandered again to the ring.
*Joey adjusts his papers again a little.*
Joey: But the action doesn't end there folks! The show also featured the debut of NES, our very own eight-bit luchadore! He was set to take on CK Owens, however, CK seems to have fallen off of the wagon again, as by this point of the show, he was thoroughly drunk and decided that instead of wrestling he'd rather go pick up hookers- which he did by the end of the night quite successfully. The referee was told to start counting CK out, but NES wanted to face his opponent and left the arena in search of him. …both were counted out.
*He looks closely at one of his papers*
Joey: What kind of note is this, is it a foreign language? Oh, it's a squished fly.
*He looks back up at the camera.*
Joey: The main event delivered the excitement we had all hoped it would, but not in the way we thought. With two well know and quite talented former XHF superstars Johnny Styler and Jay Williams in a match together we knew we'd be in for a show, then throwing in another newcomer, Alex Adams, everyone knew that we were in for a treat. Johnny Styler strutted out to the ring very confidently, acting not unlike how he has in the past, very cocky, very odd, and generally quite confusing. Jay was of course quite confident on his way to the ring as well, he was ready to fight as soon as he hit the ring, but the two men had to wait for the new guy, Alex. Alex seemed quite nervous to be in the main event, but excited nonetheless. The three men all went to a corner, but before the bell could ring the lights went out! When they came back on, standing next to the ring were Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg. They had what appeared to be a surfboard with wheels on it and rockets strapped to it- oh, and I think a calculator too. Evil-Borg explained to the crowd that since a few months ago, the Borg's have been trapped in the past, but starting tonight- last night at the show- that would all change. He explained that he had created a "Time Boogie Board" that would send the Borgs back to the Afterward, so that they could regroup and reign down their evil on XHF: No Mercy- and in fact probably the whole world as well. This prompted Shogun-Tron to come out from the back. He challenged Evil-Borg to a dance-off, in the spirit of the 3-way dance- I, um, well I guess he didn't understand that 3-way dance doesn't mean a dance-off, even though Bongo specified that on the promotional posters and had the ref make sure to point that out. Evil-Borg would have none of it though and proclaimed he had better things to do in "….THE AFTERWARD!" But he was soon wishing he hadn't said that as at that point he realized that standing next to him was Mini-Tron, who had been hiding under the ring the whole time. Mini pointed to the board that the Borgs were standing on, and Heavymetal-Borg wooped in panic seeing that the rockets has been activated. The problem with this is that the calculator had not been set, so without a destination time, this was really just a surfboard with rockets on it. As they skidded through the entrance ramp on their rocket-propelled board Evil-Borg yelled "It looks like Team Borg is blasting off again!" Shogun-Tron then announced that the main event could continue….
*Joey sighs*
Joey: …Unfortunately, by this point, Styler had seen a shiny object and had gone to follow it backstage, Jay Williams was so bored by all of this that he just outright left, and poor Alex didn't have any opponents. Shogun-Tron volunteered to dance-off with him, and soon the two were joined by NES. The three then proceeded to Techno-Dance. If you're into that sort of thing I guess it was pretty neat- but I'm not. Anyway, excitement was never in short supply at our first show, and I have a feeling our next show won't disappoint as well. So come see us next week folks, live at the Akron Civic Center. My words don't do the entertainment justice. Anyway, back to you Ted.
*But Ted isn't there, as he already left for the night, as did Bill, the lights just turn off and the camera does that classic news zoom out to watch what's going on thing as the credits roll and Joey huffs out of the news room.*