Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Aug 30, 2017 9:40:06 GMT -5
Ted: And finally we end our show today with something a bit lighter, once again, the weekly wrestling recap with Joey Hawke.
*The camera moves over to Joey Hawke who has been waiting patiently all broadcast to talk about XHF: No Mercy.*
Joey: Hello wrestling fans, this week saw XHF: No Mercy's second show, "Food, Fun, and Mayhem!" and what a show it was. Before the show Bongo came out and informed people that the pizza he ordered would be a little late- this nearly caused a riot. Several audience members made it quite clear that they had been promised food, and darn well wanted it! But, after the crowd was calmed, both Hardcore Harry and Heavymetal-Borg were called out to the ring. They were both then forced to put on XHF: No Mercy brand blindfolds and then sent to the back to let their eyes adjust. Evil-Borg, who was with Heavymetal said that it didn't matter if his partner in evil was blindfolded, they would beat Hardcore Harry anyway. Harry tried to punch Evil-Borg, but actually ended up punching the ref for the first match, who was just coming out.
*Joey shuffles his papers*
Joey: Anyway, about the first match. Sylosis came out and announced to the world that not only would he beat Randy Angel, but he would in fact sober him up during the match. -Even if this meant putting him into a hold for a good few hours. Randy then came out, clearly intoxicated, and said that Sylosis was full of crap. This caused the two to start fighting before the bell rung. The ref tried to stop the match by calling for the stop bell, but the bell-ringer figured this meant to start. The real reason the ref was trying to stop the match though was because he had realized that one of his eyes had swelled shut. So not only was he near sighted, he was now cycloptic as well. The bout seemed quite evenly matched as Sylosis had found that whipping Randy seemed to disorient him momentarily. So he whipped Randy to all four corners. Randy, angered and confused by all of this movement rolled out of the ring and pushed a stage-hand into the ring to replace him. The ref, who was very visually impaired, didn't notice the difference and yelled at the stage hand, who kept trying to get out, to wrestle. As the ref was yelling at him though, and Sylosis was distracted by the yelling, Randy was able to sneak into the other side and lock in the Big Brother Headlock. However, in his state of heavy inebriation, he fell forward into the Drunk Dropper! This knocked Sylosis out, and Randy luckily rolled on top of him, the ref heard the noise and found both men, then counted the 1-2-3, giving Randy Angel his first win ever. Randy, was, however far too drunk to know this and proceeded to get into a fight with the ref after the match, demanding that he won.
*He shuffles his papers a bit more.*
Joey: The scheduled second match of the night never left the back. While stumbling around, looking for the bathroom, the blind-folded Heavymetal-Borg bumped into Craig Schultz. Thinking it was his opponent for the main event, I attempted to get a few licks in on the hardcore legend while he too was without sight. However, Craig Schultz was in fact very much with sight, and did not remotely appreciate being hit by a blindfolded weirdo. In his anger, he threw Heavymetal-Borg backwards in order to get away from him, but, Heavymetal fell back into Evil-Borg who was just exiting the lavatory. Infuriated by this, Evil-Borg decided that it was time for the Borgs to turn things a bit evil. After a very short powwow between the two, they attacked Craig…..well, Evil-Borg did, Heavymetal must have gotten turned around or something, and ended up charging one of the pizza boys, who was apologizing profusely for his tardiness to Bongo. Alert to a citizen under attack, Shogun-Tron rushed from the shadows to help the poor pizza boy. The whole thing ended up being a big mess- literally, pizza everywhere. In punishment for that, Bongo decided to suspend the match between Team-Tron and Craig Schultz with David Arquette. Also, many fans left since there wasn't a lot of pizza to go around.
*Joey sighs*
Joey: …So, after that, there was a bit of a hubbub trying to keep fans from leaving, but finally the main event got under way. Hardcore Harry was helped out of the back by a couple refs, he seemed to be ready to fight and in perfect condition to do so, given that he had just been sitting, waiting for the match with his blindfold on. A now very confused Heavymetal-Borg was led out by Evil-Borg, who was still picking pepperoni off of himself. When the two met up in the ring, Harry commented that he smelled pizza, and this made him want to fight more. Nobody understood exactly what he meant, but we would soon find out as the blindfolds came off. Two refs handled that. Simultaneously the blindfolds were removed and the men were exposed to light for the first time in hours. They fought….sort of. Well, actually, Heavymetal-Borg just ran, he ran and slid under the bottom rope to the outside, still reeling from being exposed to the light. Harry, as best as he could, followed. While the blindfolds were coming off, Evil-Borg had been digging under the ring, and now it was apparent why. As Harry approached Heavymetal-Borg, Evil pulled out a camera with a flashbulb equipped! He took a picture as the bulb went off. When the flash had subsided Evil-Borg looked in horror to see that Harry had covered his eyes. Harry then grabbed the camera and flashed it back at Evil-Borg, who was put down by the flash.
*Joey puts down the papers.*
Joey: One problem with the "Blinded By the Light" stipulation is that…well, the idea is to win quickly, and as you might be able to tell, a few minutes had already passed. The human eye is an amazing thing, and can adjust to light rather quickly, so by this point, both men could once again see just fine. Noting this, Heavymetal was scared. He had already seen what the flash could do to his comrade, and Harry had now been advancing on him with the camera. Quickly, Heavymetal dived under the ring. Harry was now becoming rather angered by all of this and reached under after Heavymetal, the big man dragged the former occupant of the Afterward out and took a picture of him! …But it was to no avail! Under the ring, Heavymetal had put on oversized novelty sunglasses. Harry, enraged, threw the camera into the crowd and pulled Heavymetal-Borg to his feet, then tossed him into the ring. Harry then got into the ring as well and once again pulled Heavymetal to his feet, but this time he was met with A PURPLE HAZE! Again, Harry was blinded! The big man stumbled back as Heavymetal ran behind him, grabbed Harry's arms and used his future-strength to lift the huge Harry up and hit the Motley Crue-cifix! He went for the pin, 1-2-3! Somehow he had won! Heavymetal-Borg jammed in the ring with some air-guitar, but soon Harry had wiped the purple mist from his eyes and gave a solid punch to the face of Heavymetal, who, from the impact, flew out of the ring next to Evil-Borg. Harry stood proudly in the ring, knowing that he was in fact the better fighter, who had just gotten tricked this one time. Heavymetal, in his post-win defeat hurriedly dragged his comrade to the back as people started to file out. Anyway, excitement is never in short supply with XHF: No Mercy. So come see us next week folks, live at the Akron Civic Center. My words don't do the entertainment justice. Anyway, back to you Ted.
*The camera goes back to Ted.*
Ted: That's seriously what happened? Wow, sounds less like wrestling and more like a circus. Anyway, have a great day folks, I'm Ted, goodnight.
*The camera then does the classic news zoom out at the end as the lights go down thing as the credits roll and the show ends.*
*The camera moves over to Joey Hawke who has been waiting patiently all broadcast to talk about XHF: No Mercy.*
Joey: Hello wrestling fans, this week saw XHF: No Mercy's second show, "Food, Fun, and Mayhem!" and what a show it was. Before the show Bongo came out and informed people that the pizza he ordered would be a little late- this nearly caused a riot. Several audience members made it quite clear that they had been promised food, and darn well wanted it! But, after the crowd was calmed, both Hardcore Harry and Heavymetal-Borg were called out to the ring. They were both then forced to put on XHF: No Mercy brand blindfolds and then sent to the back to let their eyes adjust. Evil-Borg, who was with Heavymetal said that it didn't matter if his partner in evil was blindfolded, they would beat Hardcore Harry anyway. Harry tried to punch Evil-Borg, but actually ended up punching the ref for the first match, who was just coming out.
*Joey shuffles his papers*
Joey: Anyway, about the first match. Sylosis came out and announced to the world that not only would he beat Randy Angel, but he would in fact sober him up during the match. -Even if this meant putting him into a hold for a good few hours. Randy then came out, clearly intoxicated, and said that Sylosis was full of crap. This caused the two to start fighting before the bell rung. The ref tried to stop the match by calling for the stop bell, but the bell-ringer figured this meant to start. The real reason the ref was trying to stop the match though was because he had realized that one of his eyes had swelled shut. So not only was he near sighted, he was now cycloptic as well. The bout seemed quite evenly matched as Sylosis had found that whipping Randy seemed to disorient him momentarily. So he whipped Randy to all four corners. Randy, angered and confused by all of this movement rolled out of the ring and pushed a stage-hand into the ring to replace him. The ref, who was very visually impaired, didn't notice the difference and yelled at the stage hand, who kept trying to get out, to wrestle. As the ref was yelling at him though, and Sylosis was distracted by the yelling, Randy was able to sneak into the other side and lock in the Big Brother Headlock. However, in his state of heavy inebriation, he fell forward into the Drunk Dropper! This knocked Sylosis out, and Randy luckily rolled on top of him, the ref heard the noise and found both men, then counted the 1-2-3, giving Randy Angel his first win ever. Randy, was, however far too drunk to know this and proceeded to get into a fight with the ref after the match, demanding that he won.
*He shuffles his papers a bit more.*
Joey: The scheduled second match of the night never left the back. While stumbling around, looking for the bathroom, the blind-folded Heavymetal-Borg bumped into Craig Schultz. Thinking it was his opponent for the main event, I attempted to get a few licks in on the hardcore legend while he too was without sight. However, Craig Schultz was in fact very much with sight, and did not remotely appreciate being hit by a blindfolded weirdo. In his anger, he threw Heavymetal-Borg backwards in order to get away from him, but, Heavymetal fell back into Evil-Borg who was just exiting the lavatory. Infuriated by this, Evil-Borg decided that it was time for the Borgs to turn things a bit evil. After a very short powwow between the two, they attacked Craig…..well, Evil-Borg did, Heavymetal must have gotten turned around or something, and ended up charging one of the pizza boys, who was apologizing profusely for his tardiness to Bongo. Alert to a citizen under attack, Shogun-Tron rushed from the shadows to help the poor pizza boy. The whole thing ended up being a big mess- literally, pizza everywhere. In punishment for that, Bongo decided to suspend the match between Team-Tron and Craig Schultz with David Arquette. Also, many fans left since there wasn't a lot of pizza to go around.
*Joey sighs*
Joey: …So, after that, there was a bit of a hubbub trying to keep fans from leaving, but finally the main event got under way. Hardcore Harry was helped out of the back by a couple refs, he seemed to be ready to fight and in perfect condition to do so, given that he had just been sitting, waiting for the match with his blindfold on. A now very confused Heavymetal-Borg was led out by Evil-Borg, who was still picking pepperoni off of himself. When the two met up in the ring, Harry commented that he smelled pizza, and this made him want to fight more. Nobody understood exactly what he meant, but we would soon find out as the blindfolds came off. Two refs handled that. Simultaneously the blindfolds were removed and the men were exposed to light for the first time in hours. They fought….sort of. Well, actually, Heavymetal-Borg just ran, he ran and slid under the bottom rope to the outside, still reeling from being exposed to the light. Harry, as best as he could, followed. While the blindfolds were coming off, Evil-Borg had been digging under the ring, and now it was apparent why. As Harry approached Heavymetal-Borg, Evil pulled out a camera with a flashbulb equipped! He took a picture as the bulb went off. When the flash had subsided Evil-Borg looked in horror to see that Harry had covered his eyes. Harry then grabbed the camera and flashed it back at Evil-Borg, who was put down by the flash.
*Joey puts down the papers.*
Joey: One problem with the "Blinded By the Light" stipulation is that…well, the idea is to win quickly, and as you might be able to tell, a few minutes had already passed. The human eye is an amazing thing, and can adjust to light rather quickly, so by this point, both men could once again see just fine. Noting this, Heavymetal was scared. He had already seen what the flash could do to his comrade, and Harry had now been advancing on him with the camera. Quickly, Heavymetal dived under the ring. Harry was now becoming rather angered by all of this and reached under after Heavymetal, the big man dragged the former occupant of the Afterward out and took a picture of him! …But it was to no avail! Under the ring, Heavymetal had put on oversized novelty sunglasses. Harry, enraged, threw the camera into the crowd and pulled Heavymetal-Borg to his feet, then tossed him into the ring. Harry then got into the ring as well and once again pulled Heavymetal to his feet, but this time he was met with A PURPLE HAZE! Again, Harry was blinded! The big man stumbled back as Heavymetal ran behind him, grabbed Harry's arms and used his future-strength to lift the huge Harry up and hit the Motley Crue-cifix! He went for the pin, 1-2-3! Somehow he had won! Heavymetal-Borg jammed in the ring with some air-guitar, but soon Harry had wiped the purple mist from his eyes and gave a solid punch to the face of Heavymetal, who, from the impact, flew out of the ring next to Evil-Borg. Harry stood proudly in the ring, knowing that he was in fact the better fighter, who had just gotten tricked this one time. Heavymetal, in his post-win defeat hurriedly dragged his comrade to the back as people started to file out. Anyway, excitement is never in short supply with XHF: No Mercy. So come see us next week folks, live at the Akron Civic Center. My words don't do the entertainment justice. Anyway, back to you Ted.
*The camera goes back to Ted.*
Ted: That's seriously what happened? Wow, sounds less like wrestling and more like a circus. Anyway, have a great day folks, I'm Ted, goodnight.
*The camera then does the classic news zoom out at the end as the lights go down thing as the credits roll and the show ends.*