Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Aug 30, 2017 9:42:23 GMT -5
Ted: ….So yeah, lots of murders again. And rapes. In other news, XHF:NM had another show! Take it away from here Joey!
*The camera moves around to find Joey Hawke ready to give the XHF:NM report.*
Joey: This week we held our third show, titled "Grapes of Awesome." Which I can only assume is supposed to allude to "Grapes of Wrath" but in some sort of a positive light. If you didn't make it to this show, you missed out, all of the participants, and Bongo, and Congo, and myself were there to give autographs before the show. Also at the show was Scott Hall of major wrestling fame. Even most of the Robot Horde was on-hand for autographs.
*Ted butts in.*
Ted: But wait, don't they want to kill humans!? Isn't this proving how fake wrestling is?!
*Joey sighs.*
Joey: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer. Our first match featured a former XHF mainstay, AJ Phoenix making his debut in XHF:NM against Evil-Borg. The match was actually very interesting, AJ and Evil-Borg traded chops for I'd say a good five minutes. And that's not to say they all landed, both men blocked most of them, which is what made it good and exciting. Evil-Borg finally got the upper hand though when he whipped AJ Phoenix to the ropes, as he reached the ropes, Heavymetal-Borg pulled him down from under the ropes. The ref though, being nearsighted, did not see this and though AJ tripped. Actually, most of the audience did too as they started chanting about it. Then AJ got up, and shook his fist at Heavymetal, then turned around only to get tripped again! Irate from this, AJ went out of the ring and grabbed Heavymetal by the scruff of his costume and began to yell that he was trying to have a match, Heavymetal responded by giving AJ a face full of Purple Haze! The ref of course didn't see any of this and as AJ was stumbling around, Evil-Borg pulled him into the ring, hit the Domination and the ref counted the 1-2-3….after Evil-Borg yelled enough to get his attention that the pin was happening.
Bill: …Wow.
Joey: Wow indeed. The next bout featured Shogun-Tron taking on the whole of the Robot Horde of Zagon 6. The match started with him waiting in the ring as a few robots started to come out. Shogun was ready though with his new arm-mounted water cannon. He was able to make quick work of some older models of bots, however, one problem when facing a horde is judging how much ammo one needs. Simply put, Shogun needed more than he had. The robots kept coming, and soon his water cannon ran dry. The group of robots surrounded the ring as Shogun-Tron suddenly realized just how bad of a situation he was in. There were about twenty robots left, all surrounding the ring, waiting for Shogun-Tron to make his move. He took a deep breath and looked around, then, he went running at the ropes, jumped onto the top rope and launched himself over a line of robots and ran to the back! The robots followed as the crew started setting things up for the third match of the night.
*Joey shuffles his papers a bit.*
Joey: The third and final match pitted longtime XHF superstar Hardcore Harry against XHF:NM's black sheep- which is saying something, I mean, we just had two matches with people claiming from the future and even an AJ Phoenix match- Randy Angel. The stipulation was "If You Can Drink it, It's Legal." The idea of this stipulation is that you are allowed to use any liquid in the match as long as you can swallow it without dying. You also are then able to use its container in the match. Hardcore Harry came out first with a glass bottle of Coke. Before Randy even came out, Harry drank the whole thing in front of the ref, validating the bottle to be used in the match. He then demonstrated the durability of the glass bottle by hitting it against stuff around the ring. When Randy made his appearance, he had a shopping cart full of alcohol. He had a can of beer in his hand and was drinking it for the entire world to see (including the ref). The two met up in the middle of the ring and the bell rang. They just stood there for a moment, not knowing what to do. Then Randy took a swig of his beer, and spit it in Harry's face! Enraged, Harry took a swing with the bottle at Randy, but Randy had already ducked and rolled out of the ring. He pulled out of the cart a bottle of Bushmills scotch and started chugging, as his eyes turned red from the booze, the ref told him it was legal. So Randy then broke the bottle, which was still half full and rolled into the ring, looking for some hardcore stabbing action.
Ted: Whoa! This is violent!
Joey: Yes it was Ted. Unfortunately, Randy was extraordinarily drunk from drinking half of a bottle of scotch and couldn't find Harry very easily. Something extra impressive considering that Harry is a very large man. Harry used this to his advantage as he pushed Randy around, not hard enough to knock him down, but enough to shake him up considerably considering his state. Harry laughed at this joke of an opponent. Finally, frustrated by this failure in stabbing, Randy threw down the broken bottle and put his fists up, challenging Harry. Harry waved Randy on, who charged, and soon found himself lifted above Harry's head. Harry held him up, laughing, then tossed Randy into the shopping cart of booze at ringside!
Bill: But that's not legal!
Joey: No, no its not, and the ref was just about to call for a disqualification, but Harry, in a surprisingly fast move, dived under the bottom rope and laid down under the cart, drinking the mix of alcoholic beverages that were flowing from the broken bottles and busted cans. Showing that he could drink it, the ref decided to let it be fair. Harry was actually starting to enjoy the drink, until Randy oozed out of the cart and fell on top of him. Randy finally came to his senses, got up, and realized that all of his booze had been broken! This quickly kicked the young man into high gear as he started to lay kicks into the downed Harry. With all of this alcohol in use, Scott Hall was attracted to ringside, where he found the broken remains of the cart-o-booze, he then started crying. Getting angry from being kicked, Harry got up and started laying into Randy Angel, who, due to his drunken- and very angry- state, seemed almost immune and fought back, but Harry's large size and great strength numbed most of Randy's shots, so the two traded blows all around the outside of the ring. Meanwhile, Scott Hall had started rummaging through the cart for any un-broken bottles of booze. At last, he pulled up a bottle of Chambord Liquer Royal de France. Randy saw this out of the corner of his eye, and knowing how expensive the stuff is, ran to get it back from Scott Hall. After a brief squabble, Scott Hall pulled out a mason jar of yellow liquid, he explained that it was far stronger than the French booze he was stealing. Randy decided it was a fair deal and Scott Hall ran off. Randy opened the bottle and took a whiff- he almost threw up.
Bill: Why?
Joey: Because it was urine. Randy put it down to go catch his breath, but Harry ran over and grabbed the jar, then looked at Randy, the ref explained to Harry that it couldn't be used if he didn't drink some of it. The crowd was going nuts as Harry looked around, smiled, then he took a swig of it!
Ted and Bill: DISGUSTING! WRESTLING IS GROSS!
Joey: Yes, sometimes wrestling is gross. The ref almost vomited, but told Harry he could use the rest of the urine and the jar. Randy was gagging on the side of the ring when Harry snuck up to him, tapped him on the shoulder, then splashed the rest of the urine into Randy's face! Randy freaked out and clambered into the ring to get away from the sick weirdo that is Hardcore Harry. Harry followed though and quickly grabbed hold of Randy, then he broke the bottle over Randy's head! Randy went down. Harry considered pinning Randy, but decided he wasn't done yet. He picked the lifeless Randy up, and hit the Insane in the Membrane! Randy was down for the count, but Harry didn't pin! He told the ref to start counting for the knockout. The ref shrugged and started doing so, meanwhile, Harry rolled out of the ring and went looking underneath it. When he had found what he wanted (at about the count of 7), he returned to the ring with a gas can. The ref started shaking his head and demanding Harry take that out of the ring, Harry responded by doing the unthinkable and taking a swig of the gas! His eyes turned beet red, and for a moment he almost vomited, but he held it in, so sadly, the ref was forced to allow it, he continued counting. As he counted, Harry poured the gas all over Randy Angel's lifeless body.
*Joey stops to catch his breath.*
Joey: Around this time, Shogun-Tron came from the back, being chased by the remainder of the robot horde. There were about ten left. Harry paid this no mind as he methodically poured the highly flammable liquid over his out-cold opponent, who had just been officially counted as knocked out, giving Harry the win. But even this didn't faze Harry, he just kept pouring. Shogun-Tron got into the ring while shooting water at a few of the robots, who went down. The rest followed though. Harry then pulled two things out of his pockets, out of one he pulled a microphone, and out of the other he pulled a box of matches. The ref didn't know what to do since the match was over. He started to panic as the crazy blood-shot eyes of Harry looked at his fallen opponent. He then said over the microphone "Am I a joke too Randy? Am I just a big joke like all the others? You're the joke, punk!" He then lit a match and watched as it burned. The robots had since clamored into the ring and right about then, Shogun-Tron pulled out a remote control, rolled out of the ring, and pressed a button on it. Suddenly, water poured from the sky all over the ring, disabling the remaining robots, giving him the victory and putting out the match Harry had, as well as diluting the gas and wetting all the other matches.
Bill: Good thing for Randy.
Joey: Yes, he did get lucky, but Harry was not satisfied. He yelled and screamed about his dissatisfaction over the lack of control, the lack of real violence, the lack of wrestling, the lack of any semblance of anything in the company, then went after Shogun-Tron. Shogun, who had been posing in victory over his win soon felt the grip of Hardcore Harry, who then proceeded to bash the man from the future's head into the ring post! He continued to do this, cracking Shogun's helmet and breaking part of his visor in the process. Harry didn't stop until he was pulled away by almost all of the staff of XHF:NM. The crowd was on their feet by the end of all of this, wondering what will happen at the next show! Which…is next week, Wednesday, July 2nd. Come check out action that as last night proved, only XHF: No Mercy can provide!
Ted: You tease you!
Joey: I don't care, buy a ticket.
Ted: I might have to!
*The lights then go down and the camera zooms out in classic newsroom fashion as the show ends.*
*The camera moves around to find Joey Hawke ready to give the XHF:NM report.*
Joey: This week we held our third show, titled "Grapes of Awesome." Which I can only assume is supposed to allude to "Grapes of Wrath" but in some sort of a positive light. If you didn't make it to this show, you missed out, all of the participants, and Bongo, and Congo, and myself were there to give autographs before the show. Also at the show was Scott Hall of major wrestling fame. Even most of the Robot Horde was on-hand for autographs.
*Ted butts in.*
Ted: But wait, don't they want to kill humans!? Isn't this proving how fake wrestling is?!
*Joey sighs.*
Joey: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer. Our first match featured a former XHF mainstay, AJ Phoenix making his debut in XHF:NM against Evil-Borg. The match was actually very interesting, AJ and Evil-Borg traded chops for I'd say a good five minutes. And that's not to say they all landed, both men blocked most of them, which is what made it good and exciting. Evil-Borg finally got the upper hand though when he whipped AJ Phoenix to the ropes, as he reached the ropes, Heavymetal-Borg pulled him down from under the ropes. The ref though, being nearsighted, did not see this and though AJ tripped. Actually, most of the audience did too as they started chanting about it. Then AJ got up, and shook his fist at Heavymetal, then turned around only to get tripped again! Irate from this, AJ went out of the ring and grabbed Heavymetal by the scruff of his costume and began to yell that he was trying to have a match, Heavymetal responded by giving AJ a face full of Purple Haze! The ref of course didn't see any of this and as AJ was stumbling around, Evil-Borg pulled him into the ring, hit the Domination and the ref counted the 1-2-3….after Evil-Borg yelled enough to get his attention that the pin was happening.
Bill: …Wow.
Joey: Wow indeed. The next bout featured Shogun-Tron taking on the whole of the Robot Horde of Zagon 6. The match started with him waiting in the ring as a few robots started to come out. Shogun was ready though with his new arm-mounted water cannon. He was able to make quick work of some older models of bots, however, one problem when facing a horde is judging how much ammo one needs. Simply put, Shogun needed more than he had. The robots kept coming, and soon his water cannon ran dry. The group of robots surrounded the ring as Shogun-Tron suddenly realized just how bad of a situation he was in. There were about twenty robots left, all surrounding the ring, waiting for Shogun-Tron to make his move. He took a deep breath and looked around, then, he went running at the ropes, jumped onto the top rope and launched himself over a line of robots and ran to the back! The robots followed as the crew started setting things up for the third match of the night.
*Joey shuffles his papers a bit.*
Joey: The third and final match pitted longtime XHF superstar Hardcore Harry against XHF:NM's black sheep- which is saying something, I mean, we just had two matches with people claiming from the future and even an AJ Phoenix match- Randy Angel. The stipulation was "If You Can Drink it, It's Legal." The idea of this stipulation is that you are allowed to use any liquid in the match as long as you can swallow it without dying. You also are then able to use its container in the match. Hardcore Harry came out first with a glass bottle of Coke. Before Randy even came out, Harry drank the whole thing in front of the ref, validating the bottle to be used in the match. He then demonstrated the durability of the glass bottle by hitting it against stuff around the ring. When Randy made his appearance, he had a shopping cart full of alcohol. He had a can of beer in his hand and was drinking it for the entire world to see (including the ref). The two met up in the middle of the ring and the bell rang. They just stood there for a moment, not knowing what to do. Then Randy took a swig of his beer, and spit it in Harry's face! Enraged, Harry took a swing with the bottle at Randy, but Randy had already ducked and rolled out of the ring. He pulled out of the cart a bottle of Bushmills scotch and started chugging, as his eyes turned red from the booze, the ref told him it was legal. So Randy then broke the bottle, which was still half full and rolled into the ring, looking for some hardcore stabbing action.
Ted: Whoa! This is violent!
Joey: Yes it was Ted. Unfortunately, Randy was extraordinarily drunk from drinking half of a bottle of scotch and couldn't find Harry very easily. Something extra impressive considering that Harry is a very large man. Harry used this to his advantage as he pushed Randy around, not hard enough to knock him down, but enough to shake him up considerably considering his state. Harry laughed at this joke of an opponent. Finally, frustrated by this failure in stabbing, Randy threw down the broken bottle and put his fists up, challenging Harry. Harry waved Randy on, who charged, and soon found himself lifted above Harry's head. Harry held him up, laughing, then tossed Randy into the shopping cart of booze at ringside!
Bill: But that's not legal!
Joey: No, no its not, and the ref was just about to call for a disqualification, but Harry, in a surprisingly fast move, dived under the bottom rope and laid down under the cart, drinking the mix of alcoholic beverages that were flowing from the broken bottles and busted cans. Showing that he could drink it, the ref decided to let it be fair. Harry was actually starting to enjoy the drink, until Randy oozed out of the cart and fell on top of him. Randy finally came to his senses, got up, and realized that all of his booze had been broken! This quickly kicked the young man into high gear as he started to lay kicks into the downed Harry. With all of this alcohol in use, Scott Hall was attracted to ringside, where he found the broken remains of the cart-o-booze, he then started crying. Getting angry from being kicked, Harry got up and started laying into Randy Angel, who, due to his drunken- and very angry- state, seemed almost immune and fought back, but Harry's large size and great strength numbed most of Randy's shots, so the two traded blows all around the outside of the ring. Meanwhile, Scott Hall had started rummaging through the cart for any un-broken bottles of booze. At last, he pulled up a bottle of Chambord Liquer Royal de France. Randy saw this out of the corner of his eye, and knowing how expensive the stuff is, ran to get it back from Scott Hall. After a brief squabble, Scott Hall pulled out a mason jar of yellow liquid, he explained that it was far stronger than the French booze he was stealing. Randy decided it was a fair deal and Scott Hall ran off. Randy opened the bottle and took a whiff- he almost threw up.
Bill: Why?
Joey: Because it was urine. Randy put it down to go catch his breath, but Harry ran over and grabbed the jar, then looked at Randy, the ref explained to Harry that it couldn't be used if he didn't drink some of it. The crowd was going nuts as Harry looked around, smiled, then he took a swig of it!
Ted and Bill: DISGUSTING! WRESTLING IS GROSS!
Joey: Yes, sometimes wrestling is gross. The ref almost vomited, but told Harry he could use the rest of the urine and the jar. Randy was gagging on the side of the ring when Harry snuck up to him, tapped him on the shoulder, then splashed the rest of the urine into Randy's face! Randy freaked out and clambered into the ring to get away from the sick weirdo that is Hardcore Harry. Harry followed though and quickly grabbed hold of Randy, then he broke the bottle over Randy's head! Randy went down. Harry considered pinning Randy, but decided he wasn't done yet. He picked the lifeless Randy up, and hit the Insane in the Membrane! Randy was down for the count, but Harry didn't pin! He told the ref to start counting for the knockout. The ref shrugged and started doing so, meanwhile, Harry rolled out of the ring and went looking underneath it. When he had found what he wanted (at about the count of 7), he returned to the ring with a gas can. The ref started shaking his head and demanding Harry take that out of the ring, Harry responded by doing the unthinkable and taking a swig of the gas! His eyes turned beet red, and for a moment he almost vomited, but he held it in, so sadly, the ref was forced to allow it, he continued counting. As he counted, Harry poured the gas all over Randy Angel's lifeless body.
*Joey stops to catch his breath.*
Joey: Around this time, Shogun-Tron came from the back, being chased by the remainder of the robot horde. There were about ten left. Harry paid this no mind as he methodically poured the highly flammable liquid over his out-cold opponent, who had just been officially counted as knocked out, giving Harry the win. But even this didn't faze Harry, he just kept pouring. Shogun-Tron got into the ring while shooting water at a few of the robots, who went down. The rest followed though. Harry then pulled two things out of his pockets, out of one he pulled a microphone, and out of the other he pulled a box of matches. The ref didn't know what to do since the match was over. He started to panic as the crazy blood-shot eyes of Harry looked at his fallen opponent. He then said over the microphone "Am I a joke too Randy? Am I just a big joke like all the others? You're the joke, punk!" He then lit a match and watched as it burned. The robots had since clamored into the ring and right about then, Shogun-Tron pulled out a remote control, rolled out of the ring, and pressed a button on it. Suddenly, water poured from the sky all over the ring, disabling the remaining robots, giving him the victory and putting out the match Harry had, as well as diluting the gas and wetting all the other matches.
Bill: Good thing for Randy.
Joey: Yes, he did get lucky, but Harry was not satisfied. He yelled and screamed about his dissatisfaction over the lack of control, the lack of real violence, the lack of wrestling, the lack of any semblance of anything in the company, then went after Shogun-Tron. Shogun, who had been posing in victory over his win soon felt the grip of Hardcore Harry, who then proceeded to bash the man from the future's head into the ring post! He continued to do this, cracking Shogun's helmet and breaking part of his visor in the process. Harry didn't stop until he was pulled away by almost all of the staff of XHF:NM. The crowd was on their feet by the end of all of this, wondering what will happen at the next show! Which…is next week, Wednesday, July 2nd. Come check out action that as last night proved, only XHF: No Mercy can provide!
Ted: You tease you!
Joey: I don't care, buy a ticket.
Ted: I might have to!
*The lights then go down and the camera zooms out in classic newsroom fashion as the show ends.*