Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Aug 30, 2017 10:09:31 GMT -5
Ted: Well that about wraps up the real news for today. Now, let's welcome back the herald of XHF:NM, Joey Hawke.
Joey: Thank you Ted, good to be back. For those of you wondering why I wasn't on the news last week, giving you the No Mercy report, it's because the show, "The XHF Birthday Show: Light" was on TV. If you missed seeing it, I'm sorry, because it was a great show. Anyway, this week featured the fallout of the Birthday Show.
Bill: Is that where Harry won the title?
Joey: …Yes, the Birthday Show is where Harry won the title. Bill, please be quiet, you're ruining things I don't want to reveal yet. Anyway, the first match pit the still very confused Shogun-Tron against Kris Quake in a nearsighted ref match. The match started off pretty normal, rather surprising considering that Shogun-Tron believed himself to be "Bishop" of the X-Men for, well, pretty much all of the match. Kris Quake, as usual was quite angry to be out there, in fact, he was extra angry at this show. He was hitting Shogun-Tron will all he could, but seemingly nothing would break the presumed mutant. The thing was though, it quickly became apparent to all involved that Shogun-Tron really wasn't fighting all that much. In fact, he was doing a lot of talking. With each shot he'd take at Kris Quake, he'd either go on a long rant about how he was trying to find the traitor, or demanding who the traitor was. It was something that I can only describe as the strangest interrogation ever. Quake on the other hand wanted to send a message to Randy Angel. Eventually Quake was able to get the better of Shogun-Tron simply because he was landing more shots in and- well, actually trying to hurt Shogun. He pulled him in for the Shut Out and yelled out "THIS IS FOR YOU RANDY!" Then Quake dropped Shogun-Tron and locked the hold in. Randy must have heard this and thought it was time for his match, because as the hold was locked into Shogun, Randy stumbled out into the Civic Center. Quake saw this and let go of the man from the future. He walked up to the ropes and started to yell at Randy, telling him to go away or he'd beat him up and stuff of the like. The ref of course didn't notice Randy Angel and just presumed Quake had now also gone insane. However, with this amount of time, Shogun was able to recover, Randy tried to tell Quake to turn around, but Quake was just that angry at Randy, unfortunately, this left him open for the Time Vortex as hit by Shogun-Tron, who then pinned Quake, winning the match. After the match, Randy quickly pulled Quake out of the ring and tried to talk to him, even offering some of his drink, but Quake just threw it into the crowd and walked up the ramp. Randy then stumbled around asking people for booze as something quite odd happened.
Ted: What?
Joey: Well, I'll tell you, why don't we just show you a video.
Bill: I don't think you're allowed to do that.
Joey: Don't care, roll film!
*We cut to a scene from the show. Shogun-Tron gets to his knees and looks around at the crowd and suddenly snaps out his gun and aims it at someone running to the ring. Lazor-Tron stops and puts his hands up.*
Shogun-Tron: TRAITOR! I knew ... OUCH!
*He looks down at Mini-Tron clamping jumper cables to each ass cheek. As he turns to aim he sees The Xtreme Ranger flip on an electric fence generator. Shogun-Tron begins convulsing in pain.*
Xtreme Ranger: Too much?
*Bishop's wig catches on fire and burns off entirely as he seizes on the ground and they turn off the generator. Saber-Tron leaps into the ring and quickly before the camera sees switches the misshapen burned helmet with a regular Shogun-Tron one. They then poke him with a stick for five minutes solid...and he is still sitting there in a cloud of smoke. They shrug and drag him away. The camera goes back to the newsroom.*
Bill: Wow.
Joey: Wow is correct. Anyway, the next match featured Randy Angel, who was still at ringside taking on newcomer Thomas Ramelic. Ramelic came out and Randy got scared by his mask. After a little coaxing from Congo at ringside, Randy figured out that this Thomas guy was his opponent, how he forgot is anyone's guess. Anyway, Ramelic had a lot of problems with Randy. While being able to hit a fair few solid shots on the drunk, for the most part, Ramelic didn't know what to do with Randy. Randy just bobbed and weaved a lot in a druken trance and it didn't give Ramelic much to work with, not only that, but with his opponent being so unbalanced it was hard for Thomas to keep balanced himself. In the end this really ended up being the problem. Randy's unpredictability ended up being his greatest asset. A while into the match, Kris Quake decided to come to the ringside to watch Randy wrestle, Randy waved to his nemesis in a friendly way. This was the opening that Ramelic had been waiting for the whole match, as Randy finally had his back turned and wasn't moving. He grabbed Randy, and threw him backwards. Randy stumbled back behind Ramelic, but then, used to catching himself from falling while drunk, Randy caught himself and stumbled back forward, locking in the Big Brother Headlock, but he was too off balance and ended up falling into the Drunk Dropper! The face-to-mat collision put Ramelic down for the count, giving Randy the pinfall victory. Extremely excited by his win, Randy offered to take Quake out for a drink. Quake seemed less than pleased and stormed out of the Civic Center. Randy just shrugged and went to again ask the folks at ringside if they had anything to drink.
*He shuffles his papers.*
Joey: Our main event saw Hardcore Harry defend his newly acquired XHF:NM Heavyweight Championship against Heavymetal-Borg. As many, including Harry himself had predicted, Harry was far stronger and more focused than his opponent, who had come out to the ring alone this week. Recently, Heavymetal has proven that although he can brawl with the best of them, his true asset is in his ability to out-wit his opponent. Hardcore Harry is just the sort of guy who Heavymetal should have been able to conquer with this method, but his mind seemed to be on other things as he battled for the gold. However, during the match, as Heavymetal was getting whipped around the ring by a once again out of control Harry, Evil-Borg started to make his way from the back. He had a microphone and proclaimed he had big news for everyone. He said he was going to reveal someone's true identity. Evil however was not in any condition to be at ringside, as he had numerous bandages all over his suit. Heavymetal-Borg knew this and left the ring to talk to his partner, and perhaps get him to return to the ring. The two quarreled about what needed to be done. While they were doing this though, the ref was counting Heavymetal-Borg out, and before Harry or anyone else knew it, the match was over. Harry had just won by count out. Generally, when people win they are happy, then again, most people aren't Hardcore Harry, and he was outraged at this steal of a victory he got. Evil-Borg didn't care though; he announced that since the match was over, he now had everyone's undivided attention. He said he was going to reveal that- well, that was as far as he got, because Harry slugged him as hard as he possibly could, knocking the Borg out cold. Harry then told Heavymetal that he'd get his eventually. A bit later, Evil-Borg was revived and he appears to have forgotten everything that's happened in the last two weeks- which is partly why he's quite confused about why he's so beat up. Anyway, that's all for this week. We'll be back next week, so you better be back to- in fact, go see us live! It's the best way to get the XHF:NM experience! Thank you and goodnight.
*Joey then shuffles his papers and talks with the news anchors as the camera does that newsroom back out of the shot thing and then the scene fades.*
Joey: Thank you Ted, good to be back. For those of you wondering why I wasn't on the news last week, giving you the No Mercy report, it's because the show, "The XHF Birthday Show: Light" was on TV. If you missed seeing it, I'm sorry, because it was a great show. Anyway, this week featured the fallout of the Birthday Show.
Bill: Is that where Harry won the title?
Joey: …Yes, the Birthday Show is where Harry won the title. Bill, please be quiet, you're ruining things I don't want to reveal yet. Anyway, the first match pit the still very confused Shogun-Tron against Kris Quake in a nearsighted ref match. The match started off pretty normal, rather surprising considering that Shogun-Tron believed himself to be "Bishop" of the X-Men for, well, pretty much all of the match. Kris Quake, as usual was quite angry to be out there, in fact, he was extra angry at this show. He was hitting Shogun-Tron will all he could, but seemingly nothing would break the presumed mutant. The thing was though, it quickly became apparent to all involved that Shogun-Tron really wasn't fighting all that much. In fact, he was doing a lot of talking. With each shot he'd take at Kris Quake, he'd either go on a long rant about how he was trying to find the traitor, or demanding who the traitor was. It was something that I can only describe as the strangest interrogation ever. Quake on the other hand wanted to send a message to Randy Angel. Eventually Quake was able to get the better of Shogun-Tron simply because he was landing more shots in and- well, actually trying to hurt Shogun. He pulled him in for the Shut Out and yelled out "THIS IS FOR YOU RANDY!" Then Quake dropped Shogun-Tron and locked the hold in. Randy must have heard this and thought it was time for his match, because as the hold was locked into Shogun, Randy stumbled out into the Civic Center. Quake saw this and let go of the man from the future. He walked up to the ropes and started to yell at Randy, telling him to go away or he'd beat him up and stuff of the like. The ref of course didn't notice Randy Angel and just presumed Quake had now also gone insane. However, with this amount of time, Shogun was able to recover, Randy tried to tell Quake to turn around, but Quake was just that angry at Randy, unfortunately, this left him open for the Time Vortex as hit by Shogun-Tron, who then pinned Quake, winning the match. After the match, Randy quickly pulled Quake out of the ring and tried to talk to him, even offering some of his drink, but Quake just threw it into the crowd and walked up the ramp. Randy then stumbled around asking people for booze as something quite odd happened.
Ted: What?
Joey: Well, I'll tell you, why don't we just show you a video.
Bill: I don't think you're allowed to do that.
Joey: Don't care, roll film!
*We cut to a scene from the show. Shogun-Tron gets to his knees and looks around at the crowd and suddenly snaps out his gun and aims it at someone running to the ring. Lazor-Tron stops and puts his hands up.*
Shogun-Tron: TRAITOR! I knew ... OUCH!
*He looks down at Mini-Tron clamping jumper cables to each ass cheek. As he turns to aim he sees The Xtreme Ranger flip on an electric fence generator. Shogun-Tron begins convulsing in pain.*
Xtreme Ranger: Too much?
*Bishop's wig catches on fire and burns off entirely as he seizes on the ground and they turn off the generator. Saber-Tron leaps into the ring and quickly before the camera sees switches the misshapen burned helmet with a regular Shogun-Tron one. They then poke him with a stick for five minutes solid...and he is still sitting there in a cloud of smoke. They shrug and drag him away. The camera goes back to the newsroom.*
Bill: Wow.
Joey: Wow is correct. Anyway, the next match featured Randy Angel, who was still at ringside taking on newcomer Thomas Ramelic. Ramelic came out and Randy got scared by his mask. After a little coaxing from Congo at ringside, Randy figured out that this Thomas guy was his opponent, how he forgot is anyone's guess. Anyway, Ramelic had a lot of problems with Randy. While being able to hit a fair few solid shots on the drunk, for the most part, Ramelic didn't know what to do with Randy. Randy just bobbed and weaved a lot in a druken trance and it didn't give Ramelic much to work with, not only that, but with his opponent being so unbalanced it was hard for Thomas to keep balanced himself. In the end this really ended up being the problem. Randy's unpredictability ended up being his greatest asset. A while into the match, Kris Quake decided to come to the ringside to watch Randy wrestle, Randy waved to his nemesis in a friendly way. This was the opening that Ramelic had been waiting for the whole match, as Randy finally had his back turned and wasn't moving. He grabbed Randy, and threw him backwards. Randy stumbled back behind Ramelic, but then, used to catching himself from falling while drunk, Randy caught himself and stumbled back forward, locking in the Big Brother Headlock, but he was too off balance and ended up falling into the Drunk Dropper! The face-to-mat collision put Ramelic down for the count, giving Randy the pinfall victory. Extremely excited by his win, Randy offered to take Quake out for a drink. Quake seemed less than pleased and stormed out of the Civic Center. Randy just shrugged and went to again ask the folks at ringside if they had anything to drink.
*He shuffles his papers.*
Joey: Our main event saw Hardcore Harry defend his newly acquired XHF:NM Heavyweight Championship against Heavymetal-Borg. As many, including Harry himself had predicted, Harry was far stronger and more focused than his opponent, who had come out to the ring alone this week. Recently, Heavymetal has proven that although he can brawl with the best of them, his true asset is in his ability to out-wit his opponent. Hardcore Harry is just the sort of guy who Heavymetal should have been able to conquer with this method, but his mind seemed to be on other things as he battled for the gold. However, during the match, as Heavymetal was getting whipped around the ring by a once again out of control Harry, Evil-Borg started to make his way from the back. He had a microphone and proclaimed he had big news for everyone. He said he was going to reveal someone's true identity. Evil however was not in any condition to be at ringside, as he had numerous bandages all over his suit. Heavymetal-Borg knew this and left the ring to talk to his partner, and perhaps get him to return to the ring. The two quarreled about what needed to be done. While they were doing this though, the ref was counting Heavymetal-Borg out, and before Harry or anyone else knew it, the match was over. Harry had just won by count out. Generally, when people win they are happy, then again, most people aren't Hardcore Harry, and he was outraged at this steal of a victory he got. Evil-Borg didn't care though; he announced that since the match was over, he now had everyone's undivided attention. He said he was going to reveal that- well, that was as far as he got, because Harry slugged him as hard as he possibly could, knocking the Borg out cold. Harry then told Heavymetal that he'd get his eventually. A bit later, Evil-Borg was revived and he appears to have forgotten everything that's happened in the last two weeks- which is partly why he's quite confused about why he's so beat up. Anyway, that's all for this week. We'll be back next week, so you better be back to- in fact, go see us live! It's the best way to get the XHF:NM experience! Thank you and goodnight.
*Joey then shuffles his papers and talks with the news anchors as the camera does that newsroom back out of the shot thing and then the scene fades.*