Post by Jonnie Valentine on Oct 10, 2022 5:06:14 GMT -5
Open on the McKay Center in Phoenix, Arizona. The powerful roar of the crowd rains down as the crowd holds signs up. One has a picture of Marty Donovan & AVB and it says “The Annoying”, others say “The Great Syberus”, “RIP Adrian Tanner Jr.”, “Kill The Mouse”, “Poena, The Sanctimonious”, a UK flag, “Rat Boy”, “Society of the New Breed”, “Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, Ruben Bowman Has No Clue”, “Win Me A Giant Unicorn, Kilroy!”, and “Tux Is Tinder’s Greatest Wrestler”. They fade out to Guillermo O’Bannon and Phil Blauer at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans and welcome to Arizona! It’s 101 degrees in October!
Phillip Blauer: Welcome to the land of gila monsters, wraparound sunglasses and Maricopa County.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We have a Hardkore World Heavyweight title match tonight between The Great Syberus and Disney’s Marty Donovan. Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship laid waste to Syberus in LA and Marty beat Syberus in a non-title tables match in Pomona. Now he gets his long awaited title match here tonight.
Phillip Blauer: Syberus doesn’t have one corporate sponsor. This needs to end.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Oracles of Suffering’s Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik puts his belt on the line against Lynx. They had a wild match in San Diego and now Lynx tries to win his first championship in the company he watched as a kid.
Phillip Blauer: This isn’t a cartoon. Maybe tell the kiddies to skip this one. The Sheik doesn’t mess around.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Arizona State Fair is nearby and once Kilroy Evans found that out, he demanded his match take place there. However Poena, The Sanctified says Kilroy has already joined The Oracles of Suffering, he just doesn’t know it.
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy seems like he’s halfway there, to be honest. I once saw him sell candy for a middle school he had flunked out of years ago.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But first we have the threeway dance to determine the challenger for The Sheik’s Hardkore West Coast Championship, between Alexander Von Blankenship, Tuxedo Mask, and Ruben Bowman.
A thick cloud like haze fills the entry way, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
Alexander Von Blankenship steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. He holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship says he is better read than any of his opponents, but it gets him no respect from any of these fans.
Phillip Blauer: It’s Arizona. Reading isn’t gonna be a big draw here.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really He clever, I cannot do better
AVB looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to a fan holding the sign that has a picture of The Anointed and it says “The Annoying”. He yells loudly " I'm better than you"
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB says that the fans should respect his father. He’s tired of the fans calling him Rat Boy.
Phillip Blauer: You gotta just tune these people out. It’s easy when you see what kind of car they drive.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause
I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, he gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship says his opponents are meaningless and he is anointed, no pun intended, to be The Sheik’s challenger in Boston at Hardkore Helloween 2022.
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now….
The fans jeer and boo, and AVB rolls into the ring before coming up with a grin.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to Hardkore World at the McKale Center. The following Threeway Match is for a title shot for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP at Hardkore Helloween 2022. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, from Amsterdam in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall. Weighing in at 215 pounds; Brought to you by Arby’s, ‘We Have The Meats!’ He is Always Very Blessed…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
The fans boo loudly at an arrogant AVB
‘Zerospace’ by the Kidneythieves hits, and the fans are again on their feet as the lights focus on the top of the ramp.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask says that his two opponents are jealous of him, and he fully expects for them to team up against him.
Tuxedo Mask stands at each side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak up and hold up the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship to the crowd’s cheers. He straps the belt around his waist and then does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of adoration before preparing for the match..
Phillip Blauer: I must admit that is an impressive little flippy with a 20 pound belt around your waist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux is looking to add some more gold to that waist by beating The Sheik for the Hardkore West Coast title at Hardkore Helloween 2022. He just has to outlast these other two to do it.
Greg Jin: "Hailing from Tokushima, Japan. Coming in at 5 feet 8 inches and Weighinh 185 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure...TUXEDO MASK!!!"
AVB rolls his eyes at Mask, and then both of them look up the ramp.
After a few seconds of “Taurus Shrine” playing over the speakers, Ruben emerges onto the stage. Despite wearing his ring gear, he still has a parchment and quill in his hands that look tiny in his large hands. Eventually he gets frustrated, throws them to the ground, and stalks to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The dirt sheets were definitely not kind to Ruben Bowman this week. They didn’t approve of his handling of Makoto Jupiter or his betrayal of his partner Lynx.
Phillip Blauer: Tell Dave Meltzer to clean his room. There’s an old saying that the smartest man in wrestling is the one who takes the least bumps and makes the most money, that would be Dave.
Once there, he slides under the bottom rope into the ring where he goes to wait in the corner. Is he thinking in metaphors for sick rhymes, or how to give his opponents bad times?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman has wrestled both these men on the previous show, now the youngster has to try and take what he learned in Belfast and use it to get himself a title shot at Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik at Hardkore Helloween 2022.
Ruben Bowman signals for Greg Jin to hand him the mic. Jin sighs and then hands him the microphone. The boos grow louder and louder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He does this every…
Phillip Blauer: Quiet you uncultured ignoramus. This is my favorite part of the show.
Ruben Bowman: “Such a shame that some can't comprehend,
But it seems to be the leading trend,
Wrestlers don't appreciate, just rend.
No respect for genius I have penned.
It's a shame that you don't seem to see
That it takes some time to mold debris
Into something someone could decree
Has more worth than Hepatitis B.
Fans, already disgusted with his recent actions don’t want to hear anymore, and loudly express it. A wadded up paper cup just misses Bowman’s face and lands by his feet
You can mourn my lack of social clout.
I'm not here to stew in fear and doubt,
And no matter how you scream or shout,
Just accept that I will win this bout.
I am not the best that's been through.
It's hard, even when you're black and blue,
To admit hard truths, so here's your cue:
Say I'm better than the both of you.
AVB shakes his head and Tuxedo Mask does the “jerk me” gesture
Pride is quite a crutch for men, it seems.
I am not immune to such extremes.
But with me, some fault is in the themes
I accept, but you just spout some memes.
I am not the best to fight Hardkore.
I'm amazed how much that thought's abhorred.
I'm still holding an unblemished score,
While you two have much to answer for.”
Phillip Blauer That was beautiful. A sonnet that these sun fried lizards don’t deserve.
The booing is now very loud. Bowman mockingly thanks the fans for listening and hands the microphone back to Greg
Greg Jin: “And from Wherever The Muses Dictate; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is Poetry in Motion…RUBEN BOWMAN!!!”
The Phoenix fans boo. Richie Richardson reminds Bowman to remove his headwrap and then signals for the bell. Ruben rolls his eyes before he smirks at the other two. Richardson signals for the bell
The three move forward slowly before Tuxedo Mask hits a handspring out of nowhere to plant Bowman with a handspring hurricanrana! The McKale Center cheers, and Tux springs to his feet with a flourish
Phillip Blauer He’s starting already…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil…
Phillip Blauer: No, this isn’t me. He is trying intentionally, to steam my beans. But I will not let him. Not this time. Not in Phoenix.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I appreciate that. Meanwhile, Alexander Von Blankenship ducks low, hitting Tuxedo Mask low blow while Richie Richardson is checking on Bowman!
The Arizona crowd throws some jeers that AVB shrugs off. He smirks att Richie Richardson before he grabs Tux to hit a DDT
…ONE!
…Ruben Bowman makes the save!
The audience applauds as Tuxedo Mask rolls back to his feet. Von Blankenship comes up as well, his eyes narrowed on Bowman who charges at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman hits a kneelift on AVB. He irish whips Von Blankenship onto the ropes before hammering home a huge clothesline that sends AVB crashing to the mat.
Bowman snarls, stomping away at Alexander Von Blankenship’s back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman now raining kicks into Alexander Von Blankenship’s ribs.
Phillip Blauer: I was in the heel locker room to see if everyone had eaten the swedish meatballs at their catering too, and I overheard Ruben telling people he had not appreciated AVB’s words about his blackout poem.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Are there any more…
Phillip Blauer: Not anymore.
The fans seem to enjoy AVB’s predicament as Bowman kicks him over and over. Ruben reaches down to grab him, but Tuxedo Mask dives onto his back, arms coiling around his head as he yanks backwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxmission!! Tuxedo Mask steps down on the backs of Bowman’s knees and pulls back on the big man’s head!
With the sleeper hold locked in, the Phoenix fans are going wild! But Bowman powers out of the Tuxmission, and then gets to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman grabs Tuxedo Mask by the throat and throws him across the ring!
Phillip Blauer: The young Bowman clearly taking Tux pretty lightly after he pinned him in Belfast, tossing him out like he would an accentual verse.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bowman now stomping Tux…
Phillip Blauer: That’s a poetry joke. Those aren’t easy to do.
Guillermo O’Bannon:= I caught it, Phil. Ruben Bowman irish whips Tuxedo Mask into the corner. Bowman runs in but Alexander Von Blankenship cuts him off with a kick to the stomach. Tuxedo Mask grabs him in a front facelock, climbs to the second turnbuckle and jumps off with a tornado DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship rips Tuxedo Mask off and makes the cover himself!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask rips AVB off of Ruben Bowman!
Alexander Von Blankenshiip gets to his feet yelling and pointing at Tuxedo Mask as the McKay Center is eating it up
Guillermo O’Bannon:= Alexander Von Blankenship shoves Tux!
The fans let out a collective “OH!”
Phillip Blauer: This could be over content exchanges.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask starts throwing punches! AVB tries to respond, but Tux ducks his right hand and atomic drops his groin on the top rope!
The crowd celebrates AVB’s condition as he is perched on the middle of the top rope. Von Blankenship’s eyes cross from the pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hits the ropes and dropkicks the impaled Alexander Von Blankenship to the floor below!
The Phoenix crowd cheers as AVB tumbles to the floor below. Tuxedo Mask dips into a mocking bow before his eyes widen
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman rips Tuxedo Mask into the air, flinging him backwards with a huge release german suplex!
Tuxedo Mask is sprawled out on the mat. Bowman poses for the fans for a heel pop before he stalks over to grab Von Blankenship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bowman lifts Alexander Von Blankenship up into a suplex and then just leaves him up there!
The fans boo as Bowman obnoxiously motions for more applause. He then does a slow circle while still holding AVB in the air
Phillip Blauer: His allegories aren’t the only thing that are strong.
Ruben Bowman finally deposits Von Blankenship to the mat in that suplex. AVB sits up and arches his back in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship was broken in half with that delayed vertical suplex!
Some of the fans in The McKale Center have to give it up for that show of strength as Bowman rolls him up for a pin
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask split legged moonsaults the back of Ruben Bowman’s head!!
The audience explodes, and Tuxedo Mask rolls to his feet in a mocking spin with his arms spread wide.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The fans explode, and Tux grabs the rising Bowman in another Tuxmission!!
The fans are urging Bowman to tap out as Tuxedo Mask leans back, arm tightening as he clamps the hold in.
Tuxedo Mask: “Come on, tap. (whining) Give it up, will ya?”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman struggles to break the Tuxmission. Alexander Von Blankenship is back on his feet though, and drives his boot square into Tuxedo Mask’s face!
The Phoenix crowd boos and Bowman rolls over, pushing himself upwards as he rubs at his neck. He scowls, shaking his head as he climbs to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But here comes AVB, and low blow to Ruben Bowman from behind!
Richie Richardson admonishes him, but Alexander Von Blankenship smiles with a shake of his head before he shrugs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship drops back to the corner, and then barrels in with the Baptism punch!!
The fans jeer as Ruben Bowman stumbles back, shaking his head before AVB fires off another Baptism, but still Bowman stands
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB trying to knock Bowman down with two Baptisms but the big man stays upright. Von Blankenship cocks back and goes for a third that but Bowman catches him with a big boot as he comes in!!
AVB pitches forward and crashes into the ropes, landing on the middle rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hits the ropes and then hits Alexander Von Blankenship with a 619 kick!!
The McKale Center explodes, and Tux leaps to the top turnbuckle, backflipping into a moonsault but AVB rolls aside, and Tux crashes against the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lifts Tux up into suplex, drops his feet on the top rope and then slingshot suplexes him! Tuxedo Mask rolls around, clearly in pain before AVB rolls him up for the pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Ruben Bowman rips AVB into the air, firing him across the ring with a release german!
The fans eat it up, and Alexander Von Blankenship begs off as Bowman stalks him. The McKale Center chants “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” mocking him, and Bowman shakes his head before AVB rolls out of the ring Ruben points at him, cursing as AVB holds up his hands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask comes charging in, but Ruben Bowman ducks aside before he grabs Tux to irish whip him into the corner. He charges in, crashing his massive form with an avalanche into Tux which draws sympathetic groans from the fans.
Phillip Blauer: Sympathetic Groans would make a decent album name for Morrissey.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman smirks, and lifts Tux up as he calls for the powerslam. Then he staggers forward, dropping Tux as he is smashed with a chair by Alexander Von Blankenship with a chair!!
The audience rains jeers down as AVB slams the chair across Ruben’s back again and again!! Richie Richardson looks on helplessly as Alexander Von Blankenship flings the chair onto the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB grabs the rising Tuxedo Mask, and drives a knee into his stomach. before he hit the angels wings he calls Purification onto the steel chair!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The fans boo as Alexander Von Blankenship rises to his feet, kicking Tuxedo Mask from the ring as he motions for Richie Richardson to raise his hand.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lying in wait with that chair until he could find the perfect time to strike, and gets the win here.
Phillip Blauer: You see an opportunist, I see an excellent new number one contender to the Hardkore West Coast title. And I could possibly be his new wing man out at whatever passes for clubs out here in Phoenix. AVB and the Blau Dog (starts barking)
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one’s ever gonna call you that, Phil. Just give it up.
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes 54 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
“Blessed Up” by Wande plays as AVB smirks down at the slowly stirring and battered Bowman, shrugging as he mockingly waves at the jeering audience.
Guillermo O’Bannon: However he accomplished it, as you said Phil, Alexander Von Blankenship goes on to win the number one contendership to the Hardkore West Coast Championship and goes to Hardkore Helloween 2022 for a shot at the champion, The Sheik!
Alexander Von Blankenship does a little dance at ringside. Fans crane over the guardrail trying to punch him and flip him off as he passes by. He stands at the top of the ramp and says “Always Very Blessed” into Jackie Valentine Jr’s camera when he gets close
Phillip Blauer: Hi. I’m the beloved Phillip Blauer.
Phil pauses for non existent applause
Phillip Blauer: Thank you. After marrying my beloved Dorothy, elderly care became a big priority in my life. And let me tell you something, compadre, It is a horror show. Nothing a loved one should be seeing. But most of all, nothing I should be seeing.
Phillip Blauer: So I decided to take billions of dollars Dorothy made in the raunchy cocktail napkin business and started a chain of assisted living communities. But you may be saying to yourself, “Phillip, are you off your rocker? I don’t need to hear about amazing deals on assisted living community long term housing! I’m Generation X. I was at Woodstock 94! The mud one, not the everything on fire one.” Well hold on to your nipple rings, Trevor, because I have some news for you!
Phillip Blauer: Shady Sunsets is a facility where you can live out your golden years with other people of Generation X. A healthy and active senior community, we have group activities like:
Hacky Sack
Mario Kart
Dungeons and Dragons
And DJ lessons from the some of the top senior DJs in the area. Guys like Thee-O, Alice DeeJay, and Ron D Core. Yes! They’re still alive! So come on down and see if Shady Sunsets is where you would like to come to die…live, live. I meant live.
Soothing music plays out as the Shady Sunsets graphic returns
Camera opens on the Arizona State Fair with Kilroy Evans standing in front of a food truck wearing an Angel's Revenge MST 3000 shirt. Guillermo tries to test their audio hook up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy, can you hear me?
Kilroy Evans: I can.
Audio technician Kenny Valentine Jr. gives Guillermo the thumbs up, and Guillermo nods in return
Kilroy Evans: Hi Hardkore World, you know, back in Arizona for the first time since I lost to Roscoe Law back in 2008. Some wounds never heal. (cheers up) But anyway, I love fairs, carnivals, and fundraisers! So I couldn’t be happier to be here at the Arizona State Fair. Now if you’ll excuse me, I would like to indulge in a guilty pleasure and partake in some fair food.
Kilroy walks up to the food truck and the vendor comes to the window
Kilroy Evans: I would like a hamburger please.
Vendor: That’ll be 18.50 and we’re all out of ketchup.
Kilroy Evans: (looks at the camera) Nothing like fair food!
Kilroy sits in a chair eating a churro while he gets a caricature done by an artist
When it is finished, he looks at it and tears well up in his eyes. He gets a large lump in his throat
Phillip Blauer: This has got to be like when Jack Nicholson’s Joker asks for the mirror.
Cut to the caricature artist’s head sticking through the canvas of the painting after Kilroy has smashed it over his head. Kilroy licks a fudge vanilla swirl ice cream cone as he walks away
Kilroy plays the goldfish game while eating a comically large corn dog
Kilroy Evans: I can’t believe it! I won! I won!
Teenager: (unenthused) Sick. Here’s your goldfish.
Kilroy Evans: Oh my god. I had no idea when I got up this morning that I would be coming home with such a huge responsibility.
Teenager: You don’t have to take it.
Kilroy Evans: Now who am I to blow against the wind? Clearly, me and this goldfish are supposed to go through life together.
Teenager shrugs and hands Kilroy the plastic bag with the fish.
Kilroy Evans: Um, hello. My name is Kilroy. I’m one half of the Hardkore World Tag Team Champions. What’s your name? (to teenager) What’s his name…
Teenager: (without hesitation) Larry!!
The kid can’t take the pain of losing his closest friend, and runs off, trying to hide his tears
Kilroy Evans: Well, hello Larry. I can’t wait to take you home. We can watch movies together and you can advise me on when is too much sour cream. I won’t listen, but you’ll be the taskmaster, wiggling your judgemental fin at me but loving me like a father figure. Behind your razor wit and sarcasm, belies a protective mama bear instinct to shield me from the world…
SPLAT!!
Kilroy looks down and Poena, The Sanctified has slapped Larry the Goldfish to the dirt floor, breaking his plastic bag. Larry, gasps his final breaths, staring at Kilroy. Telling him to be happy
Kilroy looks up at a smug, smiling Poena
Poena, The Sanctified: Hello, Yorlik. Are you enjoying the fair?
Arizona State Fair Death Match
Like a thousand suns, Kilroy turns beet red and smashes Poena with a flurry of punches
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans backing Poena into the Henna tattoo place. He bites Poena on the bridge of the nose!!
Poena screams as blood immediately flows from the cut over his nose. Poena returns fire with several punches of his own. Poena blasts Kilroy with several forearms that catch him right between the eyes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified cracks Kilroy in the side of the head with a forearm that knocks him to the pavement.
Poena lifts his leg and stomps on Kilroy’s hand, making Kilroy shriek in pain. Poena smashes Kilroy on the back of the head with an elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena sinks his teeth into Kilroy’s ear!
Phillip Blauer: This is the most heinous thing I’ve seen at the fair since my attempt at Test Your Strength failed to get past Cold Fish. I gotta say, I was at a bad angle you see, and…
Guillermo O’Bannon:Poena trying to to bite Kilroy’s ear off!
After some agonizing gnashing, Kilroy is finally able to grab Poena by the back of the head snapmares him to the pavement. Evans grabs Poena around the waist and then gut wrench suplexes him near a wooden fence. Poena arches his back in pain and Kilroy checks his ear for blood and comes back with bloody fingers
Phillip Blauer: Poena going all gas, no brakes! Hardkore World, and I am here for that!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are you doing?
Phillip Blauer: Jonnie said I should throw in a little Sportscenter vibe in. You don’t like?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified staggers up and Kilroy spears him through the fence!!
People gasp as Kilroy and Poena lie in a mud pile with pieces of wooden planks all around them. A pig with a blue ribbon comes sniffing over them
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’ve broken through into the pig pens for the livestock competitions!
Phillip Blauer: Why, I would know that pig anywhere. That’s Penny! I’ve done numerous pieces on her. Look at the widths of her hams, and the soundness, to her pasterns, hocks, knees, rump, and the shoulders.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy slowly getting to his feet but…
Phillip Blauer: Are you seeing the pasterns??
Guillermo O’Bannon: I see the pasterns, Phil. Geez. Kilroy up but Poena grabs a clump of mud and throws it in Kilroy’s eyes!
Phillip Blauer: They better hope that’s mud. Either way that’s the best Kilroy has smelled in years.
Poena whacks Kilroy with a chop. He rips the blinded Kilroy’s Angel’s Revenge shirt open and whacks him with a hard chop.
Phillip Blauer: I get what Poena is trying to do, but Kilroy’s got a whole crate of those shirts. He’ll just wear more.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another hard chop from Poena backs Kilroy into the pen. He grabs him by the head and arm then spike DDTs him into the mud!!
Poena backs up and kneedrops Kilroy right between the eyes. He lifts him to his feet, then starts rocking him with elbow smashes. Poena scoops Kilroy up and drops his stomach on the pen gate
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena scoops Kilroy up and drops his stomach on the pen gate!
Kilroy gasps for air and Poena flips him over the side into the petting zoo area. Poena gets a running start and flips over the railing, nailing Kilroy with a senton
Onlooker: What in tarnation?
Phillip Blauer: I agree, what in tarnation, indeed?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena backs him into a gate with a series of elbow smashes to the face, each one stiffer than the last.
In the background, the freak show has come out to watch. A disinterested geek looks on and casually bites the head of a chicken off like an apple.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena backs him into a gate with a series of elbow smashes to the face, each one stiffer than the last.
Suddenly a goat jumps up and butts Poena in the groin. Poena reaches back to slap the goat but Kilroy catches his hand
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy is not going to let someone hit a colleague of his.
Poena tries to hit him with his other arm, but Kilroy grabs that one as well
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy batters Poena in the face with a flurry of headbutts that really open up that cut over Poena’s nose. He belly to belly suplexes him into one of those vendor’s kiosks!
Poena lies in the clothing racks that he knocked over, with airbrushed 2Pac t-shirts, Cardinals jerseys and Lynx masks lying on the ground. Kilroy pulls him up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified basement dropkicks Kilroy in the knees! Kilroy goes down to his knees, and Poena takes him over into a headache kneeling huracanrana!!
Andy Valentine Jr. and Jimmy Valentine Jr. get their faces on camera, hooping and hollering at the action
Phillip Blauer: Ah, there is our Hardkore World intern and merch rep enjoying some state fair action.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Aren’t they supposed to be working right now?
Backstage interviewer Kevin Valentine Jr. drag Andy and Jimmy out of the shot and tries to cover their faces. Poena, The Sanctified jumps onto Kilroy’s chest with a double stomp
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena pulls Kilroy up to his knees, gets behind him, and just starts hammering him with forearms to his chest. He pulls Evan to his feet and hits him in the esophagus with a throat thrust that knocks Kilroy in reverse into a back peddle.
Kilroy hammer back with a punch of his own but Poena smashes him with a hard closed fist. Kilroy staggers back until a faint music is heard and gets increasingly louder
Sergeant O'Leary is walkin' the beat
At night he becomes a bartender
He works at Mister Cacciatore's down on Sullivan Street
Across from the medical center
He's tradin' in his Chevy for a Cadillac
Phillip Blauer: Ack, ack, ack, ack, ack!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena and Kilroy have fought their way over the Shades of Billy, a Tribute to Billy Joel cover band.
Phillip Blauer: I think the Piano Man would approve, after all he was the one who said Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was Elton John.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t believe that’s true. That was one of my favorite ditties of The Piano Guy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Piano Man.
Poena slaps Kilroy so hard that Shades of Billy stops playing. The entire crowd turns around and stares at a panting, bleeding Poena. The stage manager frantically cues the piano player
Piano Player: Uhhh…(starts playing piano and sings) What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?
Back Up Singers: Can't you tell that your tie's too wide?
Piano Player: Maybe I should buy some old tab collars?
Back Up Singers: Welcome back to the age of jive
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified pulls Kilroy out of the concert area and over to the shooting gallery and dropkicks him up and over the side!
Poena snatches a BB gun away from a little kid, and then takes aim as Kilroy staggers to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena shoots Kilroy in the butt with a BB gun!!
Kilroy yelps in pain and covers his cheek. Poena shoots him with another BB that hits him in the back.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy ducks for cover! Peona searching for him to raise his head, and almost doesn’t notice the fire extinguisher thrown at his head!!
Poena ducks the fire extinguisher and it makes a loud clank as it hits the asphalt. Kilroy jumps off the table of the shooting range and bulldogs Poena from behind. An animal balloon salesman walks by
Balloon Animal Salesman: Hey there big guy. Wanna poodle? How about a sword, so you can be like Jake and the Neverland Pirates? Would you like that?
Kilroy Evans: (hands him a $20) How about a noose?
Balloon Animal Salesman: Don’t tell my boss, alright? I’m already in hot water for the dong I made those teenagers.
Phillip Blauer: The guy didn’t have the heart to tell poor Kilroy they cost $25.
Kilroy nervously nods and the guy makes him a balloon noose. Kilroy puts it around Poena’s neck and gets a sadistic gleam in his eye. He puts his knee in Poena’s back and then pulls back on it. It immediately pops.
Kilroy Evans: Aw.
The balloon animal guy stuffs the $20 in his pocket and runs off. Poena dragon screws Kilroy to the ground and then starts stomping his head and legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena grabs Kilroy and pulls him over to the food area. He pie faces a funnel cake into Kilroy’s face!
Phillip Blauer: Make no mistake, those things can be scalding.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena now spraying whipped cream on him, turning him into a Kilroy Sundae.
Phillip Blauer: Less horrifying to picture than a Kilroy Sunday, which mostly consists of painting famous Mama’s Family scenes on canvas in day old boxers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I got Mama’s GLOW match against Big Bad Voodoo Mama hanging up in my dining room.
Phillip Blauer: And I have Mama’s dream sequence as a film noir detective in my bathroom but he gives those out for Christmas. He’s just standing there waiting for you to thank him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I actually wanted that one. Wanna trade?
Phillip Blauer: I respectfully decline.
Poena grabs a plate of nachos from a woman, but Kilroy sees him coming and drop toeholds him face first into the nachos
Phillip Blauer: That should be a disqualification. I myself cannot make any skin-to- jalapeno contact. I have a doctor’s note that I bring to Mexican restaurants. They call me ‘El Willo’. Which I assume means, the admirable customer who shouldn’t have to tip because his presence elevates this restaurant all on it’s own.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It means ‘the weak sauce.’ Kilroy Evans front facelocks him and twists him around into a swinging neckbreaker!
Poena sits up with nacho cheese on his face, clutching the back of his neck. Kilroy is clearing his eyes of whipped cream and funnel cake pieces from his beard. Kilroy goes over to the beer vendor and buys a 16oz cup
Phillip Blauer: Where is he keeping all this money? A fair beer? Why that’s astronomical!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans bashes Poena in the face with the beer, and it sprays everywhere!
Poena tries to get the stinging beer out of his eyes. A fan hands Kilroy another beer, and Evans waits for Poena to finish cleaning out his vision
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy throws a second beer into Poena’s eyes!
Poena cries out in pain and frustration. Kilroy Evans grabs him by the hand and goes to irish whip him but then just pulls him in for a headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shake Hands with Danger! But Poena hangs onto his arm and pulls him in for a shortarm lariat that turns Kilroy inside out!
Phillip Blauer: (listening to headset) I’m sorry, Gertrude, I’m gonna have to interrupt you here. We have some late breaking news and we now go live to our correspondent Kevin Valentine Jr. who luckily happened to be right on the scene. Kevin?
Cut to Kevin Valentine standing in front of a stage. Onstage there is a table with three plates, piled high with chicken wings. Three men are busy eating the wings as fast as they can. His lower third graphic says “Kevn Valentine Jr. Hardkore World correspondent”
Kevin Valentine Jr.: What?
Phillip Blauer: (sighs) What was your report?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: (nods) That’s right, Phil. I’m here where local man Tim Jacobs of Quartzsite is eating through a divorce to the point where he just might break the World wing record. The feeling here is electric and everyone in attendance is hoping to see history made here.
Phillip Blauer: I see. And is this in any way harmful?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: That’s right, Phil. It is incredibly harmful. All three of these men will be in gastrointestinal distress for quite some time. But it looks like Tim Jacobs is getting close to the record and just has to eat one more wing to belong to the Gods!
Tim discards the bone and then pumps his fist to get the crowd cheering. He reaches for the last wing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified powerbombs Kilroy Evans through the wings table!!
A horrified Tim Jacobs stares down at Kilroy Evans lying amongst the chicken bones and table debris
Phillip Blauer: Now we’ll have no way of knowing if Tim could have finished that last wing. Experts will debate it for centuries.
Poena sits Kilroy against the broken table. He backs up and then gets a running start before basement dropkicking the seated Evans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified backs up and then gives him another basement dropkick, rocking Evans’ head against that broken table!!
Poena, The Sanctified grabs both of Kilroy’s hands, and then stomps his head over and over while Evans’ face is completely unprotected. He lets go of Kilroy’s hands and then raises his hands to the sky
Poena, The Sanctified: “You are His, Yorlik!”
Poena motions like he is drawing something from the heavens, and then drives into Kilroy’s chest with a heart punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sacrifice!! Poena, The Sanctified covers Kilroy Evans on that stage and Kelly O’Connell slides in to make the count!
…ONE!
…TWO
…THR- Kilroy Evans kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena grabs Kilroy and leads him over to that Funhouse right there!
Phillip Blauer: They went in without a ticket! This match is just getting more and more brutal.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena yakuza kicks Kilroy through the doors!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our cameras have caught up with them now, and Poena lifts Kilroy up into a suplex and then just drops him on the conveyor belt floor!
Poena tries to follow up with a senton but Kilroy’s body has moved on the conveyor belt and he hits the hard steel ground
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men cruising down the conveyor belt past the curtain.
Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. trails behind them and when he gets through the curtain, Poena stands up but there’s no Kilroy. Only dozens of skewed mirrors
Phillip Blauer: It’s like a House of Mirrors!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena suddenly sees Kilroy and discus elbows what turns out to be a mirror! Kilroy appears behind him, but Poena’s ready for him with a superkick but that turns out to be a mirror as well!
Phillip Blauer: These are unsafe working conditions!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He almost punches another Kilroy but stops himself before he breaks his hand on the glass.
It turns out to be the real Kilroy, and he grabs Poena and starts biting him on the eyebrow while The Dark Savior screams
Phillip Blauer: Apparently he’s still hungry after the funnel cake and the corn dog.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy grabs Poena in his Watch Out For Snakes cobra clutch!! He pulls back on Poena’s wrist while putting pressure on the back of his neck with his other hand.
Kilroy thrashes Poena from side to side while Kelly O’Connell waits to see if he goes out. Suddenly you can hear laughter filling the Funhouse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Does anyone else hear that?
Phillip Blauer: Oh thank heavens, I thought it was just me. I frequently have maniacal laughter ringing in my ears. I think it’s a form of tinnitus. Who is laughing in a Funhouse? Completely inappropriate.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Either way, Poena is starting to fade as Kilroy clinches down on The Watch Out For Snakes. Wait, there’s Malcolm Xavier Graves!
Kilroy can’t trust his own eyes here, but he drops Poena to give himself two hands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy has to keep his head on a swivel here because where there is one Oracle of Suffering, there has to be…
The Sheik black mass kicks Poena across the jaw
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits Poena with The Scimitar!! Poena made some disparaging comments about The Sheik and MXG, and I guess they did not take them well. Poena staggers into Kilroy who hits him with The Bad Touch diamond cutter on the floor of the funhouse!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Sheik glares at a confused Kilroy, but Malcolm Xavier Graves drags him out of the Funhouse
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Oracles of Suffering have come apart at the seams, and it appears Poena’s chickens have come home to roost after what he did to Cyrus Komar, Natalie Burrows and others.
Back at the McKale Center, Greg Jin makes the announcement
Greg Jin: “At 25 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The audience roars and “Rock Club” by Family Jules plays. Back at the Arizona State Fair, Kilroy staggers out of the Funhouse covered in blood, wing sauce, whipped cream, and funnel cake.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This match was an all time classic. Poena tried to destroy Kilroy and take him to the dark side, but the fun loving South Carolinian found a way to mentally persevere, and now Poena is left without a cult…
Phillip Blauer: Religious followers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …to win the numbers game.
Backstage interviewer Kevin Valentine Jr. hurries to get a comment
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Kilroy Evans, you just won that brutal Arizona State Fair Death Match. What are you going to do?
Kilroy Evans: (breathing heavy, trying to catch his breath) I…I…(swallows) I’m gonna get my face painted like a kitty.
Kilroy staggers off to the face painting tent
Kevin Valentine Jr.: There you have it fans, the man wants to look like a kitty cat. We’ll be right back with more Hardkore World action from here in Arizona!
*We open on a tight shot of a babbling creek. It's very relaxing Watching the water rush over the little rocks. The camera pulls out to reveal former president, Curtis D. Kanyon, standing at the edge of the creek, one foot up on a medium sized Boulder, fly fishing, looking majestic as all hell.*
Curtis: Hello their Hardkore audience. I bought commercial time on your television screen, because I have something important to tell you. Something that affects all of the XHF. I'm trying to get ahead of this, and as I am the King of Hardcore, you are my people, so I brought it to you first. I need to tell you, the BANG! Bros are fine.
*Curtis takes a deep breath, filling his lungs with that country air.*
Curtis: That's right, we're fine. Despite any rumors or edited videos you've seen, we're stronger than ever. We were the best fiction of 2021, and we will be for 2022 as well. Steve and Spike's little side projects are most likely going to clash, and then lose to me and EC, but that's okay. We've all clashed before and been fine. Because BANG! Bros are forever. So don't listen to fake news, listen to a source you can trust. A former president and current member of the team.
*Curtis gives a thumbs up and the video pauses.*
Voice over: This message has been approved by the committee for a United BANG! Bros
"Long Walk Home" by Howl Trance plays and the Arizona crowd cheers as kids wearing Lynx masks mug to get on camera. After a few moments, Lynx walks out and slaps the fans’ hands, especially the young ones wearing his mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Last time we saw Lynx he got to the finals of the Hardkore World Tag Team title tournament at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, but was betrayed by his partner Ruben Bowman.
Phillip Blauer: Ruben Bowman had to cut the dead weight. Like when Zach Morris made the difficult decision to go solo from Zach Attack.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now he tries to put all that behind him and focus on his first title opportunity here in Hardkore World, a night he has dreamed about since he was the age of those kids in his mask. He has wrestled The Sheik in San Diego back in June in the first round of the Hardkore West Coast Championship title tournament, with The Sheik obviously moving on to win the entire thing. But he says he believes in second chances, and that The Sheik only beat him after constant interference by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves. He promises that tonight will be different and it will be The Sheik and MXG doing the suffering tonight.
Phillip Blauer: I have to say, I don’t get the appeal of this Lynx character to these youngins. When I was a young buck, we looked up to Dick Tracy, the Lone Ranger, and Buck Rogers. But masked Sicilian? Has the world gone topsy turvy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, Phil. This is insane. That would make you like…
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Sicily; Standing 6 feet; Weighing 200 pounds; The only role model in Hardkore World…LYNX!!!”
The audience roars as Lynx waves back at them and blows kisses.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the McKale Center rocks with boos as Malcolm Xavier Graves walks out with the Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik behind him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And here he is, the Hardkore West Coast Champion fresh off of costing Poena his Arizona State Fair Death Match against their shared enemy Kilroy Evans. The Sheik proves once again to be erratic and violent, even lashing out at supposed friends.
Phillip Blauer: I like the cut of his jib.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik was very clear, as clear as he can be, about how he will be remaining Hardkore West Coast Champion one way or another tonight. The Sheik is even somehow insulted that Lynx would even accept a rematch against him.
Phillip Blauer: To be honest, I thought it was a bit of a dick move myself, but I thought it was just me.
The Sheik paces from side to side as Malcolm Xavier Graves holds up the Hardkore West Coast Championship over his head and sneers at Lynx
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Man from Rub' al Khali; He is The HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE SHEIK!!!”
The fans boo The Sheik who ignores them and continues to pace back and forth, ready to jump out of his skin
HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. The Sheik tries to jump him from behind but Lynx is ready for him with a kick to the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tries to sneak up on Lynx like he did in their first match in San Diego, but this time Lynx was ready for him. He swings around with an enzuigiri kick!
The McKale Center pops and The Sheik rolls out of the ring holding his ear while Malcolm Xavier Graves counsels him on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx not waiting for him, and goes out to the apron. He hops onto the middle of the second rope and springboard moonsaults The Sheik while he’s distracted by MXG!!
The fans chant “LYNX!! LYNX!! LYNX!!” while Lynx, who landed on his feet, cheers them on. Lynx pulls him up into an inverted facelock. The Sheik twists out of it into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik drops Lynx’s skull with a DDT on the floor!!
The cheers turn to jeers as The Sheik’s eyes bulge out. He gets up and holds the railing while he kicks and stomps Lynx about the head and back. Blood begins to leak through Lynx’s mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: We already have a little blood in this match! The Sheik now tearing at Lynx’s mask!
Phillip Blauer: Yes, expose him! I’m tired of thinking every Italian backstage is Lynx.
The McKale Center boos as The Sheik starts trying to rip off Lynx’s mask. Lynx finally gets up and pushes The Sheik backwards into the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx spins into a roundhouse kick that stuns the Hardkore West Coast Champion!
Lynx half nelsons The Sheik, but Sheik elbows his way out of it. The Sheik rams Lynx’s face into the apron and then climbs back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik slingshots himself over the ropes and catches Lynx with a plancha!!
The Phoenix fans boo as The Sheik and a bleeding Lynx lie on the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves helps The Sheik to his feet, and the champ rolls Lynx back into the ring. The Sheik steps back through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik applies a LeBell lock on Lynx! He locks his hands around Lynx’s head and pulls back on his head, while clamping down on his twisted arm with his legs.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Lynx shakes his head, refusing to give up. The audience chants “LYNX!! LYNX!! LYNX!!” as he tries to feed off their energy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx is able to roll backwards so that Sheik’s back is to the mat and his shoulders are pinned.
…ONE!
…The Sheik releases the LeBell lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx up to his feet first and makes Sheik pay with a shining wizard to the side of his head!
The McKale Center cheers and Sheik goes down. Lynx adjusts his ripped mask, and wipes away some blood. He pulls Sheik to his feet with a half nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx drops Sheik on his head with a wrist clutch exploder!
Lynx pulls The Sheik up to his feet while Malcolm Xavier Graves tells Tommy Milligan to watch the hair pull. He irish whips The Sheik into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope and jumps back with a springboard elbow!!
The Phoenix fans jeer as The Sheik and Lynx recover. Malcolm Xavier Graves pounds the mat
Malcolm Xavier Graves: “Tear it off! Tear it off!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik again tearing at the eye hole of Lynx’s mask, and punching the cut over his eyebrow, trying to open it up further.
The boos are deafening as The Sheik tries to unmask Lynx
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik obviously wants one of those Lynx masks for himself. They’re a hot ticket at the merch stand.
After a while, The Sheik gives up and pulls him to his feet by the mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik sits out into a facebuster! But Lynx rolls out of the way of a leg drop. He gets to his feet and dropkicks The Sheik!
Lynx fixes his torn mask, revealing some dark hair underneath. He pulls Sheik up into a double underhook, and then flips him into a tiger driver
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik claps his legs together on Lynx’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx irish whips him but The Sheik reverses it and shoots Lynx into the corner. He follows him in with a heel kick!
The Sheik irish whips Lynx into the ropes and takes him out with a sling blade. The kids in the audience chant “Sheik Sucks! Sheik Sucks! Sheik Sucks!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik stomps at Lynx’s head over and over. He scoops him up and drops him into a michinoku driver!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lynx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik irish whips Lynx into the ropes, and goes for a clothesline, but Lynx ducks underneath it and goes behind with a tiger suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx irish whips Sheik into the ropes and takes him out with a spinning heel kick! He hops onto the second turnbuckle and flips into a moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx snap suplexes Sheik, and then motions for him to get to his feet. He nearly takes his head off with a jumping roundhouse kick!
The audience cheers. Sheik struggles to get to his feet but Lynx catches him with a running DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Malcolm Xavier Graves gets up on the apron and pushes him down to the mat below!!
The McKale Center rocks with boos and The Sheik slowly pulls himself up by the ropes
Phillip Blauer: Good on Mr. Graves from keeping that masked guy from illegally using the top rope. Frank Gotch didn’t need it when I was a kid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope, and then hops back with a diving leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lynx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik has now torn off most of Lynx’s mask!!
The audience gasps as most of Lynx’s face is now visible, but some is still covered by the mask and the rest of it in blood
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Eron Hunter!!
Phillip Blauer: I still don’t know who it is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: From MJPW.
Phillip Blauer: Are you having a stroke?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs him around the head and steps up to the second turnbuckle, jumping off with a tornado DDT!
The impact shoots Eron Hunter back up to his knees, and then he drops face first onto the mat, bleeding on the canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik goes for a suplex, but Hunter blocks it with his leg. He counters with a fisherman’s suplex of his own!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eron Hunter butterflies The Sheik’s arms and tosses him over his shoulder with a double underhook suplex!
The crowd is cheering wildly and Eron Hunter cartwheel kicks him! He steps through the ropes out on to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hunter smashes him with a springboard kneelift!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls Tommy Milligan out of the ring!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What did he do that for?
Phillip Blauer: He needs to instruct Tommy on the count speed his client would like. He thinks of everything.
Malcolm Xavier Graves clubs Tommy Milligan in the back of the head with his cane, and the kids scream
Guillermo O’Bannon: That has got to be an automatic fine or suspension right there!
Phillip Blauer: Everything is so expensive these days, even hitting Tommy.
Graves hands The Sheik a chair and Sheik holds it over his head as Eron Hunter gets to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik bends the frame of that chair over Hunter’s skull with a massive chair shot!!
Phillip Blauer: He might need to put the mask on after that.
The McKale Center rains boos down on top of The Sheik, who climbs to the top turnbuckle with the chair in his hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps off with an arabian facebuster with that chair!!
The Sheik makes the cover, but there’s no referee. Malcolm Xavier Graves tells him he’ll go get another referee and runs up the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik places that chair over Hunter’s body and climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. He backflips into a moonsault onto that chair!!
Eron Hunter rolls onto his stomach, bleeding onto the canvas. The Sheik knocks the bent chair rendered useless from his abuse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik irish whips Eron Hunter into the corner and runs in with a huracanrana, but Hunter catches him and runs out of the corner with his liger bomb!!
Malcolm Xavier Graves runs down the aisle dragging Richie Richardson but his face turns to horror when he sees Hunter pinning Sheik. Richardson shrugs and slides into the ring
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- The Sheik claps his legs together on Hunter’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think if Richie Richardson had gotten to the ring sooner, this would have been over.
Phillip Blauer: And if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eron Hunter pulls The Sheik up into an inverted facelock, bit Sheik twists out of it and kicks Hunter in the stomach. He butterflies Eron’s arms and drives his head into the mat with a double underhook DDT!
Graves applauds on the outside while The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Shiek leaps off with a leg drop, but Eron Hunter rolls out of the way!
The crowd leaps to their feet, and starts stomping on the floor, creating a thunderous rumbling, urging Eron to his feet. Hunter goes to the outside, and pulls on the top rope, vaulting himself onto the middle of the top rope and then leaps off into a springboard lariot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liger Lariato!! But he’s not done!
Eron Hunter points to the crowd and then climbs to the top turnbuckle. He backflips into a shooting star press
Guillermo O’Bannon: Predator Dive!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The 8,000 in attendance leap to their feet and celebrate as “Long Walk Home” plays. Richie Richardson hands Eron Hunter the Hardkore West Coast Championship belt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx…or Eron Hunter has done it! He’s won the Hardkore West Coast title. Mask or no mask, he is now the champion!
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 41 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…LYNX!!!”
A blood drenched Eron Hunter lofts the Hardkore West Coast Championship over his head. Malcolm Xavier Graves drags an incensed Sheik back to the locker room
Phillip Blauer: Maybe finally getting to take off that smelly mask gave him some sort of super powers. Like Popeye’s spinach.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think it had more to do with these people getting behind him and giving him the extra push he needed to overcome the violence of The Sheik and his manager’s interference.
Phillip Blauer: I like my Popeye theory better.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore West Coast Championship has changed hands three times in Arizona. Back in 1997, when Stan “Mr. Space Mountain” Nickelson defeated “Gamesmaster” Kevin Daniels. Then in 1998, Zack Daniels beat The Shootfighter. And now, 14 years later, in 2022 Eron Hunter beats The Sheik!
Eron Hunter stands on the second turnbuckle thanking the fans, and blowing kisses to them. He hops down to the ring and picks up his ripped and bloody mask, and holds it up for the crowd, getting another huge pop
We cut to Tap Out Wrestling owner, Cross Recoba. He stands inside the Lansky Ballroom at The Sands Casino & Hotel in Vegas, Nevada - home of Tap Out. The ring and crowd set-up a permanent fixture inside the ballroom. He adjusts the lapel on his tailored suit blazer before he speaks.
Cross Recoba: Hello, HardKore World fans. For those of you who don’t know me, I run the premier sports company on the Network. You heard me, sports. We focus on real wrestling without the need to involve a trip to your local hardware store, without the need to have to tell your partner it’s a ‘male soap opera’ and instead, we pit our fighters against each other to find out who’s the best - no frills, no distractions.
The Tap Out Big Screen bursts into life with a graphic promoting Tap Out Wrestling 8: Long vs Diamond.
Cross Recoba: If you haven’t seen us, you might want to tune in to our next show on the 13th November. If you need to ask why, let me enlighten you.
The graphic turns to one promoting the titled match of Jason Long vs Jack Diamond.
Cross Recoba: Do you know the last time these two faced off? It was all the way back in September 2018. What was the occasion? Jack Diamond’s second X*Crown reign pitted him against his own stablemate, Jason Long. Now consider the fact that both of these guys have multiple X*Crown reigns between them and yet only once have they faced off…that’s our main event. Do you not think that every company on the Network wishes they had the choice to book that match? That’s the calibre of talent we attract, that’s the level of wrestler we can present to our fans. What are they fighting for? The chance to make it to the final of the Tap Out Openweight Title tournament, the chance to become the first holder of the ONLY belt we intend to have. For the loser, it’s not over but it does mean facing any one person out of NOMAD, with a record of 7-1, Isabella von Krauss from the fabled von Krauss family, Close Collins - our rookie sensation, or Poena, a man who I’m sure you’re all acquainted with. By the end of the show, the winner of the Main Event can narrow it down to just two of those names.
The screen fades to black as Cross continues to talk.
Cross Recoba: I’m confident that our tournament might well have tempted your interest. After all, we know you’re familiar with at least one person competing that night. But, what if I told you that one of you very own was on the card?
The graphic now changes to Sam Sawyer and Rat Bastard.
Cross Recoba: We managed to strike a deal to pit Rat Bastard, your very own Rat Bastard. It’s been agreed that he’ll face off against Sam Sawyer…we’re quite keen on them, they’re representing us in the Junior Heavyweight title match at End of Days on October 30th. Why would we put someone we have faith in the ring with Rat Bastard? Because we’re confident they’ll walk out victorious. We’re confident they’ll prove that you don’t need to compete in glorified human cockfights to make a name on the Network. Think I’m wrong? We still have tickets for the event, come on down. Can’t make it? Well, why not see it for yourself on the Network? Can HardKore World get one over Sam, myself and Tap Out Wrestling?
The screen now fades to black a final time before the details of the show return.
Cross Recoba: If you want to see any or all of what I’ve spoken about then we all know the easy way to watch. November 13th, only on the XHF Network.
The screen fades to black as we cut back to HKW programming.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And here we are fans, ready for our main event. We just saw one title change here tonight in Phoenix, will it be two? Former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Disney’s Marty Donovan gets his rematch against Syberus this time with the title on the line. They’ve had a previous World title ladder match in Las Vegas back in 2006.
Fade to 2006 Las Vegas show
Both men lay in the table rubble. Donovan has serious blood loss, his leg shaking uncontrollably. Syberus starts climbing up the ladder and reaches the belt. Donovan climbs up the other side
Guillermo O'Bannon: Marty Donovan flips over Syberus and Setting Sunset flip powerbombs him off the ladder!!!
The audience chants "HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!" Both men bleed all over the mat
Guillermo O'Bannon: Donovan grabs that ladder and jams it into both his knees! He rams it into Syberus' stomach, and then goes upstairs to the face!
Donovan picks up the ladder and sets it up. He climbs up after the belt but Syberus climbs up behind him. He backdrop superplexes him off the ladder!! The audience boos. Bozzini covers his eyes
Guillermo O'Bannon: Syberus tries to climb up the ladder but Donovan grabs his foot. Syberus hops off with a flying back elbow to his face! He pulls Donovan's head into his legs and delivers a piledriver!!
Phil Blauer: After punishing the neck for this long, the champ is hoping that's enough to put him out!
Sun eventually stumbles to his feet holding onto the ropes to stand. Syberus suddenly comes running off the ropes, leaps up, and delivers a Sideways Neckbreaker to Rising Sun. Syberus cracks Sun’s neck to the side with all of his weight. Donovan screams in agony, clutching his neck
Guillermo O'Bannon: Syberus climbs up that ladder and pulls his belt off!!
Ron Reid signals for the bell and The Thomas and Mack Center boos. “Supersonic" by Oasis plays as Syberus exhaustedly holds his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt up in the air
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 23 minutes 31 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Syberus perseveres in this ladder match! One of the toughest challenges of his career.
The Bozzinis helps the EMTs load Marty Donovan on the stretcher. Syberus picks a couple thumbtacks out of his face as he climbs down the ladder. He leans against the ropes, celebrating with his World Championship
Fade back to Guillermo and Phil
Phillip Blauer: God, I was handsome back then. Look, “The Great” Syberus has been ducking us for a while and we finally get our chance to become the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who’s we?
Phillip Blauer: Marty’s a big picture guy, and not a house show guy, so if he does win the title, there have been talks of me acting as a stand in for the B towns and just getting myself counted out. Can you get disqualified for excessive crying?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cody wouldn’t have won a match if you could.
“The Book of Boba Fett plays and The McKale Center rocks with boos, the curtains pull back and there’s a giant animatronic Jabba the Hutt, moving it’s tail and hands sometimes, with a Boba Fett silhouette sitting on a throne
Phillip Blauer: Egads! He’s here! Hide me! I think I owe him money…
Phil gets under the desk
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty?
Phillip Blauer: No, Jabba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: How can you owe Jabba the Hutt money?
Phillip Blauer: Nothing, just a little space smuggling. All rich guys do it. It’s like cheating on your wife or a boat named “Eat My Foam”.
Marty, as Boba Fett, stands up from the throne and slowly begins walking to the ring as the fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty has been on quite a run lately, his racing team is 2-0 and he represented Hardkore World at the XHF End of Days PPV in Hokkaido, Japan. He also defeated Syberus in a non-title match back in August in Pomona, and comes in with a ton of momentum.
Marty steps through the ropes and then stands in the center of the ring staring at the hard camera. The camera cuts to the guy holding the sign that has Marty and AVB’s picture and says “The Annoying”. Phil sees if the coast is clear
Phillip Blauer: Did the worm mobster go away?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Uh, yes?
Phil gets back up and sits back in his chair, straightening his shirt. Inside the ring, Marty begins removing his Boba Fett suit, revealing a large medical gauze taped to his shoulder and some stitches on his ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty admired Syberus in the past, they’ve been stablemates in The Society of the New Breed but he says his says now it is his time.
Phillip Blauer: Well past it, if you ask me. He’s got the endorsements, here he is promoting Robocop.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Boba Fett.
Phillip Blauer: Hm? No, thank you. I don’t go in for that milky Japanese tea stuff. I like a gold old fashioned cup of American joe. And I like my cup of coffee like I like my wife. Bitter and diuretic.
Then the lights cut and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens. "Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd reach their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, the five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, fresh off a successful title defense over The Sheik in front of a rowdy crowd at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022. Tonight he puts that title up against the toughest challenge since he came back to wrestling. He wants to dedicate this match to the memory of Queen Elizabeth II, and to King Charles.
Phillip Blauer: Assuming those are real people, they don’t compare to the people Marty is doing this for. Marty.
Syb takes a brief look around at the crowd with a fan holding up a “Society of the New Breed” sign before heading down the ramp.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like Syberus says, he has faced adversity before against “The Punisher” Dan Stein, against Lucifer Jones, against Andrew Karnage. He thinks all the costumes, and all the bluster takes Marty’s focus away from that Syberus is a better wrestler than him, and always has been.
Once up the ring steps Syberus wipes his feet on the apron before stooping through the ropes. He circles the ring for a second before hopping up in one corner and raising the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in the air. The lights in Hardkore Hall drop and a spotlight hits the ring. Greg Jin stands in the center of the ring while Kelly O’Connell stands in the corner
Greg Jin: “The following match is your main event of the evening!”
The McKale Arena cheers while Greg nods
Greg Jin: “It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship!. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell.”
Kelly O’Connell gives a solemn nod
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly officiating her first main event after senior official Tommy Milligan was injured in the previous match by Malcolm Xavier Graves’ cane.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, so they approve Tommy’s time off, but I can’t get a day off to get my swans neutered? Makes me wanna say Richie Richardson’s real last name…
A panicked Guillermo cues Greg
Phillip Blauer: It’s Valen…
Greg Jin: “Featuring first, hailing from the Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida. Standing 6 feet and weighing 218 pounds; Representing Disney Plus who asks you to watch the new Tales of the Jedi, premiering on October 22nd…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!”
The Phoenix crowd jeers and boos while Marty stretches in the corner in his bikini briefs with the Disney Plus logo on the butt. He winces a little from his shoulder
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Manchester, England; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 200 pounds; The only Five Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion In History…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Syberus gets a huge ovation from the fans and acknowledges them with a slight nod while staring right at Marty. Greg Jin leaves the ring and Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell
HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Syberus and Marty Donovan circle one another while the fans stomp on the ground in anticipation. Syberus goes to lock up but Marty ducks his head through the ropes
Marty Donovan: “Get him back, Kelly! Get him back!”
Syberus rolls his eyes and backs up. Marty waits until Syberus is nearly three quarters of the ring away before he dares dip his head back out of the ropes
Phillip Blauer: That was a close one. If Syberus had attacked him with his head in those ropes it could have killed him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus goes for another lock up, and this time Marty obliges. Syberus backs him up into the corner.
Kelly O’Connell starts counting and Marty Donovan calls for a clean break
Marty Donovan: “Get him back, Kelly! We need a clean break here!”
Syberus puts his hands up again, but this time reaches over and rakes his nails across Donovan’s eyes
Phillip Blauer: Ring the bell, Kelly!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus snap mares Marty out of the corner. He grabs Donovan in a front facelock. He locks his hands together and presses Syberus’ face into the canvas.
Syberus leans back, cutting off Donovan’s air, forcing Marty to exert energy by getting to his feet to get his air back. Marty grabs Syberus by the legs and inverted atomic drops him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan grabs him in a full nelson, but Syberus slips his arms out, and flips Marty over his shoulder with an ipponzei throw.
Marty sits on the mat and stares at Syberus in shock. Syberus nods as Donovan carefully gets up. They lock up again, and this time Syberus grabs him in a headlock and the Phoenix crowd groans and chuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus trying to slow this match down, and wear down the high flyer. He locks his hands together and grinds his forearm across the temple of Donovan. But now Marty pulling that long hair.
Syberus: “Watch him, Kelly. Watch him.”
Kelly O’Connell sees the hairpull and starts counting until Marty begrudgingly releases it. Syberus rolls his hip and does a headlock takeover, maintaining the facelock on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is the third time Syberus has defended the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in Phoenix. The last time was in 2008 when he lost the title to Andrew Karnage in a dog collar match. In 2006, he went to a time limit draw with Robert Hunglestien III in a steel cage match. In 2005, he defended the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship against Blak Lung. Syberus now rolling Marty onto his shoulders with that side headlock.
Syberus: “Count em, Kelly.”
…ONE!
…Marty Donovan rolls his shoulder back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty works his way back up to his feet with Syberus hanging on to that headlock. He tries to lift up into a back suplex but Syberus clamps down on the headlock, blocking it. Marty is able to slip his head out, pushing Syberus to the ropes. He kicks Syberus in the stomach and then side headlock takeovers him into a pluma blanca!
The audience boos as Marty Donovan cranks back on his while clamping down on Syberus’ head with that scissors hold. Kelly O’Connell gets into position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan locks his hands together and puts cranks Syberus’ head to the side. Last time he was here in Phoenix he was unsuccessful in his Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship match with the hometown hero, the Arizona legend, the late great Adrian Tanner Jr. back in 2008. In 2006, he teamed with Adrian Tanner Jr. and Kilroy Evans as part of The Un-Stable to successfully defend their Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships against Black Wallstreet and The Future World Order.
Phillip Blauer: The Blau Dog was like the unofficial fourth member of Black Wallstreet, It was an understood thing.
Syberus refuses to give up, so Marty releases the puma blanca. He pulls him up into an abdominal stretch. Kelly O’Connell is busy checking to see if Syberus gives up and doesn’t see Marty using the rope for leverage
Marty Donovan: “Ask him!!”
Syberus: “Fuck sake, check the rope, Kelly!”
Kelly O’Connell sees Marty holding the top rope and tells him to release the abdominal stretch
Marty Donovan: “It’s not what you think!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus hip throws his way out of the abdominal stretch.
Phillip Blauer: Syberus needing help from the referee as usual.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think both veterans are trying to get in this young official’s mind and try and manipulate her.
Phillip Blauer: Just like all the authority figures in her life.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus sits on Marty’s back and slaps him in the back of the head! Again!
The McKale Center pops with every slap. Marty tries crawling out of the ring with Syberus riding on his back, while Syberus slaps the back of his head some more
Marty Donovan: “Ow! Kelly! Tell him to stop! Ow!”
Marty finally climbs out of the ring while Kelly O’Connell pulls Syberus off of him. The fans heckle Marty as he paces the floor, pointing at Syberus trying to step through the ropes
Marty Donovan: “Keep him back! Back!”
Fans chant “DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS!” while Marty holds his ears close
Phillip Blauer: Marty has to tune these Jimmy Buffet fans out and focus on his first Hardkore World title shot since 2006.
The Phoenix crowd buzzes with boos as fans seem to turn their attention towards the ramp. The jeers get louder and louder until Alexander Von Blankenship appears, sweaty with a towel over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s AVB doing here?
Phillip Blauer: Moral support. What would you ever know about that? You’ve never been in a squad.
AVB shushes the angry crowd and comes over to comfort Alexander Von Blankenship. He whispers in Marty’s ear, as Donovan regains his composure and nods
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus rightfully telling Kelly O’Connell to kick AVB out of here.
Phillip Blauer: That’s no fair, Syberus gets to keep you.
AVB promises O’Connell he won’t be any trouble while she tries to convince him to leave the ring area. Syberus gets tired of waiting and steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan slides into the ring unbeknownst to Syberus and catches him from behind with a dragon suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus gets his shoulder up!
Phillip Blauer: Englishman Syberus’ worried about seating arrangements and it nearly cost him dearly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan irish whips Syberus into the ropes and takes to the air with a rolling wheel kick!
The fans boo. Syberus gets up and catches Marty’s incoming kick, but Marty counters with an enzuigiri. Marty checks his taped up arm when suddenly the McKale Center begins having scattered cheers, and the fans seem to be distracted by something
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s the Hardkore World Tag Team Champions Kilroy Evans and Tuxedo Mask, The Society of the New Breed!
The audience roars as Kilroy Evans points at a concerned looking Alexander Von Blankenship. Tuxedo Mask is mostly slapping hands of fans and trying to look valiant
Phillip Blauer: What are they doing here? What is with Syberus’ constant need for companionship and validation?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has a squad of his own, and they are not going to let The Anointed steal the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship tonight!
Kelly O’Connell steps through the ropes and goes to the outside, cutting off Kilroy Evans. She tells them they have to go to the back, and they plead their case that they’re here to counteract AVB
Phillip Blauer: Kelly has to demand those guys show her they have a legal right to be here by showing her their wrestling stable license. Every stable has to register for one. Otherwise it’d be chaos, Goldie!
Syberus goes over to the ropes and yells down, insisting Kelly ban The Society of the New Breed from ringside
Marty Donovan: “Get em out of here! (to Kilroy) You get out!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs Marty from behind with a backcracker!
The audience pops as Marty sits up with his back arched in pain. Kelly gives up on trying to kick Kilroy and Tux out and slides back into the ring. Donovan gets up angry and points at Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan charges at him but Syberus catches him with an armdrag.
Marty yelps in pain and tries to shake it out, but he walks right into another arm drag from Syberus. Syberus gets on his back with a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The European Three Quarter Nelson on that injured shoulder! At the XHF show End of Days in Hokkaido, Japan earlier this month; Marty was stabbed in that shoulder by Zoran Sainovic by way of, if you can believe it, a manipulated referee.
Phillip Blauer: This match shouldn’t be happening. Out of spite, Jonnie sent Marty off to bravely represent this company over in Japan and he came back nearly maimed. Or maybe that was the plan all along? Maybe we need a Desert Newshawk Investigation?
Syberus presses down on that taped shoulder and Marty Donovan cries out in agony. Alexander Von Blankenship pounds on the apron trying to get the fans to clap but just gets jeers in return. Marty shakes his head when Kelly asks him if he wants to quit
Phillip Blauer: Look at those guts, look at that determination. He’s brave like that movie about the princess in Scotland.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Brave.
Phillip Blauer: I just said that. Try and have an original observation for once, Drinky. Anyway, back to what I was saying about Braveheart. Why didn’t she just send the effeminate bear she had under her total control to fight the English? They could have had their own country by now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pulls up on his chicken winged arm, but continues to apply pressure to those stitches Marty has in that severely lacerated shoulder Marty.
Syberus gets caught sticking his head in too far and Donovan is able to throw his head nack into Syberus’ face to escape The European Three Quarter Nelson. Marty atomic drops Syberus’ legs so they’re hanging off the ropes and then twirls around into a neckbreaker!! The McKale Center rocks with boos while Syberus’ holds the back of his neck and Marty soothes his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty now back in control. He grabs two handfuls of Syberus’ hair and tosses him over the top rope! He runs into the ropes and flips over the top, hitting Syberus with a somersault senton!!
The jeers and heckling of Marty get louder as he and Syberus lay on the McKale Center floor, trying to recover. Alexander Von Blankenship helps Marty to his feet, and helps him roll back into the ring, while Tuxedo Mask helps up Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan slingshots himself over the ropes and lands on Syberus’ shoulders, backflipping into a reverse hurricanrana on the floor!!
Marty stands up with his arms in the air
Marty Donovan: “I love Disney Plus!!”
Phillip Blauer: What a battle cry!
The Phoenix fans boo him. Marty pulls Syberus up and rolls him back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty rolls back into the ring, but then Syberus just rolls back out again. Donovan follows after him but Syberus pulls out the ring skirt and traps his legs!
The audience laughs at Marty predicament and Syberus smashes the trapped Disney pitchman with several stiff elbows to the jaw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus scoops Marty up and bodyslams him into a ringside trash can headfirst!!
The crowd pops, and Syberus basement dropkicks the bottom of the metal trash can, sending a ringing clank through the McKale Center
PPhillip Blauer: Nice, real nice.
Syberus rolls Marty back into the ring and then climbs in with him. He drapes Marty’s arm over the rope and then steps out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus drops down to the floor with Marty’s arm over that rope!
Marty cries out in pain and drops to his knees, holding his arm. Syberus rolls back into the ring and applies ude garami
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus continuing to target that arm, pressing down on Marty’s wrist while applying pressure to that injured shoulder.
Marty grunts out refusals to quit to Kelly O’Connell and tries to scoot towards the ropes. Syberus clamps down on his arm even harder, trying to make Marty tap out. Finally Syberus releases the ude garami, and puts his knees on Marty’s stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: A veteran move as Syberus grinding his forearm into Marty’s face, trying to limit his breathing, and sitting on his stomach to not allow any new air. Syberus irish whips Donovan into the ropes but Marty comes back with a flying forearm!
The fans boo and both men lie on the mat exhausted
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan pulls Syberus up to his feet in a front facelock, and then rolls him into a neckbreaker! While Syberus has gone after that arm, Marty is clearly targeting the neck.
Marty Donovan irish whips Syberus into the corner and follows him in a half step behind with a dropkick, getting a collective “OH!” from the Phoenix fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan sweeps Syberus’ legs out from underneath him in the corner. He steps through the ropes out onto the apron, then slingshots himself over the ropes into a basement dropkick to Syberus’ face in the corner!
The McKale Center lets out another “OH!” Syberus crawls out of the corner, while Donovan steps up to the second turnbuckle. He points at Phil Blauer at commentary, then hops off with a panama sunrise flip piledriver
Phillip Blauer: Costa Pacifica Sunrise!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty now switching it into high gear! He inverted facelocks Donovan’s head, chicken wings his arm, and then lifts him up into a Gloria slam!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Marty Donovan pulls him up by the hair and leads him over to the corner, but Syberus blocks it with his boot and then slams Marty’s face into the turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus smashing Donovan’s face into the turnbuckles over and over. He sets Donovan’s throat on the second rope and then runs into the ropes, sitting on Marty’s back and jamming his throat into the ropes!
The fans cheer and Kilroy celebrates at ringside. Marty Donovan stands up clutching his throat and stumbles backwards into a russian leg sweep. Syberus rolls around into a cross armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus rows back on Donovan’s arm, trying to hyperextend his elbow, while also putting those boots right into his injured shoulder.
Alexander Von Blankenship looks on, concerned. Kelly O’Connell asks Marty if he wants to tap out but he shakes his head, refusing. Marty finally is able to roll over close enough to the side of the ring to hook the bottom rope. O’Connell forces Syberus to break
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus swings and misses, and Marty ducks and does a go behind with a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus rolls his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan steps through the ropes out on to the apron, then slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and springboards off, catching Syberus with a tornado DDT!!
Alexander Von Blankenship applauds but is drowned out by the boos of the fans. Marty Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle and flips off into a 450 splash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ode to Romero!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty lifts Syberus up and over for the Better Than Cobryn but Syberus floats over and catches Marty on the way down with a diamond cutter!!
AVB sells it like it happened to him as the crowd comes to life! Kilroy and Tux pound on the mat for Syberus to cover him
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus applies the Butterfly Lock to Marty Donovan’s injured shoulder!! He locks his hands together and cranks back on Donovan’s shoulder and pushes his chin into his chest!
Phillip Blauer: This is what Jonnie wanted. Sending him off to Japan to be stabbed by lunatics and now he’s softened up for his old tag team partner.
Blood starts leaking from under the medical gauze as it appears Marty has burst his stitches in his shoulder. Marty screams in pain and motions for AVB to save him
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship now in the ring to rescue his Anointed partner, but Kilroy Evans cuts him off with The Bad Touch diamond cutter!!
The fans erupt and Alexander Von Blankenship rolls out of the ring. Kelly O’Connell demands Kilroy leave the ringside area, while Tuxedo Mask runs into the ropes and does a no hands sasuke special
Guillermo O’Bannon: Twilight Special on AVB!!
Phillip Blauer: Kelly’s gotta get control over this one, she’s in over her head!
Kelly O’Connell tosses Kilroy and Tux out. They start to leave, but not fast enough so she escorts them down the aisle to the boos of the fans while Marty is still locked in the butterfly lock. Finally Marty starts nodding
Marty Donovan: “Yes! Yes, I give up!! Let me go!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan gave up! He’s giving up but Kelly O’Connell is busy with Kilroy and Tux on the outside!
Phillip Blauer: I’m having some trouble hearing. Must be these old headsets. Can’t anything work here?
Kilroy tries to alert Kelly to what’s happening in the ring, but she is adamant that he and Tux leave. Syberus has exerted alot of energy by now, and Marty is finally able to backdrop his way out of the butterfly lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus picks up and exhausted Marty and shoots him into the ropes, and then bounces from the side of the ropes. He jumps up to catch him with The Paralyser but Marty ducks!! That was the move Syberus ended the match with in 2006 in Las Vegas but this time Marty was ready for it!
Marty steps to the outside and then springboards into a front missile dropkick that catches Syberus right in the chest!! The boos are at a fever pitch and Marty Donovan signals for The Dis-Knee
Phillip Blauer: This is it! Wait, who is this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s “High Roller” Wesley Crane from Wrestle UK! He warned Marty to stop using his finisher, the one he calls In The Face, and it looks like he’s here to prevent him from using it here tonight!
The crowd is on their feet as Marty tries to talk his way out of it, promising he wasn’t going to do the Dis-Knee but Wesley doesn’t want to hear it
Phillip Blauer: Where the heck is Kelly to get this guy out of here??
Wesley Crane measures Marty Donovan, hits the ropes, but then turns around and hits the v-trigger on Syberus!!! The audience gasps
Guillermo O’Bannon: What was that?? Why did he do that?
A big smile creeps over Marty Donovan’s face replaces his look of fear, and the boos grow deafening
Guillermo O’Bannon: This was all a trick?
Phillip Blauer: I totally knew that was going to happen. They absolutely clued me in from the beginning, and everything I was saying was the acting I learned from the improv group I’m no longer allowed to attend.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane now holding a limp Syberus up by the hair on his knees, and Syberus comes off the ropes with the Dis-Knee v-trigger!!
Fans are throwing debris into the ring while Wesley Crane rolls out of the ring and helps Alexander Von Blankenship to his feet. Kelly O’Connell runs back to the ring
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Phillip Blauer: Yes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Unbelievable! Just horrible.
“Water” by Kojey Radical, Mahalia, and Swindle plays as Alexander Von Blankenship and Wesley Crane help Marty Donovan to his feet. Water bottles, soda cups, and balled up hot dog foil wrappers rain down from the fans
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes, 56 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
AVB snatches the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Kelly O’Connell and hands it to Marty Donovan, who hoists it in the air with his one good arm
Phillip Blauer: A dream realized for a man used to making other people’s wishes come true. But possibly the greater gift, is the gift of friendship? The friendship of his two best friends at his side.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus had him beat with that butterfly lock, and then this Wesley Crane injects himself into the match and sucker punches the Hardkore World Champion.
Phillip Blauer: Sorry, you mean ex-Hardkore World Champion, and I want to amend my previous statement. That belt is a much greater gift then friendship. What was I thinking?
Alexander Von Blankenship and Wesley Crane egg on the booing fans while Marty continues to hold the Hardkore World Championship up in the air. Kilroy Evans and Tuxedo Mask have come down to collect a woozy Syberus and walk him to the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: It appears The Anointed have gained a new member in “High Roller” Wesley Crane and gained the Hardkore World Championship. Next we go to Hardkore Helloween 2022 where Alexander Von Blankenship has a shot at Hardkore West Coast Champion Lynx, erm, Eron Hunter, whichever.
Phillip Blauer: And don’t forget, I’m lead announcer!
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs) So join us at Hardkore Helloween 2022! Thank you fans, it was a historic night here in Phoenix and we hope to see you next when we make our debut in Boston at Hardkore Helloween 2022.
A teary eyed Marty Donovan has his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship slung over his shoulder while AVB & Wesley Crane hold him up on their shoulders as the picture fades
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello fans and welcome to Arizona! It’s 101 degrees in October!
Phillip Blauer: Welcome to the land of gila monsters, wraparound sunglasses and Maricopa County.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We have a Hardkore World Heavyweight title match tonight between The Great Syberus and Disney’s Marty Donovan. Donovan and Alexander Von Blankenship laid waste to Syberus in LA and Marty beat Syberus in a non-title tables match in Pomona. Now he gets his long awaited title match here tonight.
Phillip Blauer: Syberus doesn’t have one corporate sponsor. This needs to end.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Oracles of Suffering’s Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik puts his belt on the line against Lynx. They had a wild match in San Diego and now Lynx tries to win his first championship in the company he watched as a kid.
Phillip Blauer: This isn’t a cartoon. Maybe tell the kiddies to skip this one. The Sheik doesn’t mess around.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Arizona State Fair is nearby and once Kilroy Evans found that out, he demanded his match take place there. However Poena, The Sanctified says Kilroy has already joined The Oracles of Suffering, he just doesn’t know it.
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy seems like he’s halfway there, to be honest. I once saw him sell candy for a middle school he had flunked out of years ago.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But first we have the threeway dance to determine the challenger for The Sheik’s Hardkore West Coast Championship, between Alexander Von Blankenship, Tuxedo Mask, and Ruben Bowman.
A thick cloud like haze fills the entry way, and brilliant blue lights create an almost angelic like atmosphere.
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
Alexander Von Blankenship steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. He holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship says he is better read than any of his opponents, but it gets him no respect from any of these fans.
Phillip Blauer: It’s Arizona. Reading isn’t gonna be a big draw here.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really He clever, I cannot do better
AVB looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. Slowly walking towards the ring he points to a fan holding the sign that has a picture of The Anointed and it says “The Annoying”. He yells loudly " I'm better than you"
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB says that the fans should respect his father. He’s tired of the fans calling him Rat Boy.
Phillip Blauer: You gotta just tune these people out. It’s easy when you see what kind of car they drive.
Ride the wave, yeah
Ain't got no fright today, yeah
I'm gonna rise today, yeah
Don't gotta fight the wave
'Cause
I'm peeping the visuals, I bring the visuals
AVB walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets inside, he gives the ring a father son and holy sport blessing before climbing the outside turnbuckle, looking towards the entire crowd he yells out "Always Very Blessed" before jumping down into the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship says his opponents are meaningless and he is anointed, no pun intended, to be The Sheik’s challenger in Boston at Hardkore Helloween 2022.
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now….
The fans jeer and boo, and AVB rolls into the ring before coming up with a grin.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to Hardkore World at the McKale Center. The following Threeway Match is for a title shot for the HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP at Hardkore Helloween 2022. Your referee is Richie Richardson. Featuring first, from Amsterdam in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall. Weighing in at 215 pounds; Brought to you by Arby’s, ‘We Have The Meats!’ He is Always Very Blessed…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
The fans boo loudly at an arrogant AVB
‘Zerospace’ by the Kidneythieves hits, and the fans are again on their feet as the lights focus on the top of the ramp.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask says that his two opponents are jealous of him, and he fully expects for them to team up against him.
Tuxedo Mask stands at each side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak up and hold up the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship to the crowd’s cheers. He straps the belt around his waist and then does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of adoration before preparing for the match..
Phillip Blauer: I must admit that is an impressive little flippy with a 20 pound belt around your waist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux is looking to add some more gold to that waist by beating The Sheik for the Hardkore West Coast title at Hardkore Helloween 2022. He just has to outlast these other two to do it.
Greg Jin: "Hailing from Tokushima, Japan. Coming in at 5 feet 8 inches and Weighinh 185 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure...TUXEDO MASK!!!"
AVB rolls his eyes at Mask, and then both of them look up the ramp.
After a few seconds of “Taurus Shrine” playing over the speakers, Ruben emerges onto the stage. Despite wearing his ring gear, he still has a parchment and quill in his hands that look tiny in his large hands. Eventually he gets frustrated, throws them to the ground, and stalks to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The dirt sheets were definitely not kind to Ruben Bowman this week. They didn’t approve of his handling of Makoto Jupiter or his betrayal of his partner Lynx.
Phillip Blauer: Tell Dave Meltzer to clean his room. There’s an old saying that the smartest man in wrestling is the one who takes the least bumps and makes the most money, that would be Dave.
Once there, he slides under the bottom rope into the ring where he goes to wait in the corner. Is he thinking in metaphors for sick rhymes, or how to give his opponents bad times?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman has wrestled both these men on the previous show, now the youngster has to try and take what he learned in Belfast and use it to get himself a title shot at Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik at Hardkore Helloween 2022.
Ruben Bowman signals for Greg Jin to hand him the mic. Jin sighs and then hands him the microphone. The boos grow louder and louder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He does this every…
Phillip Blauer: Quiet you uncultured ignoramus. This is my favorite part of the show.
Ruben Bowman: “Such a shame that some can't comprehend,
But it seems to be the leading trend,
Wrestlers don't appreciate, just rend.
No respect for genius I have penned.
It's a shame that you don't seem to see
That it takes some time to mold debris
Into something someone could decree
Has more worth than Hepatitis B.
Fans, already disgusted with his recent actions don’t want to hear anymore, and loudly express it. A wadded up paper cup just misses Bowman’s face and lands by his feet
You can mourn my lack of social clout.
I'm not here to stew in fear and doubt,
And no matter how you scream or shout,
Just accept that I will win this bout.
I am not the best that's been through.
It's hard, even when you're black and blue,
To admit hard truths, so here's your cue:
Say I'm better than the both of you.
AVB shakes his head and Tuxedo Mask does the “jerk me” gesture
Pride is quite a crutch for men, it seems.
I am not immune to such extremes.
But with me, some fault is in the themes
I accept, but you just spout some memes.
I am not the best to fight Hardkore.
I'm amazed how much that thought's abhorred.
I'm still holding an unblemished score,
While you two have much to answer for.”
Phillip Blauer That was beautiful. A sonnet that these sun fried lizards don’t deserve.
The booing is now very loud. Bowman mockingly thanks the fans for listening and hands the microphone back to Greg
Greg Jin: “And from Wherever The Muses Dictate; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is Poetry in Motion…RUBEN BOWMAN!!!”
The Phoenix fans boo. Richie Richardson reminds Bowman to remove his headwrap and then signals for the bell. Ruben rolls his eyes before he smirks at the other two. Richardson signals for the bell
Threeway Dance For Shot at Hardkore West Coast Championship
Ruben Bowman
vs.
Tuxedo Mask
vs.
Alexander Von Blankenship
The three move forward slowly before Tuxedo Mask hits a handspring out of nowhere to plant Bowman with a handspring hurricanrana! The McKale Center cheers, and Tux springs to his feet with a flourish
Phillip Blauer He’s starting already…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil…
Phillip Blauer: No, this isn’t me. He is trying intentionally, to steam my beans. But I will not let him. Not this time. Not in Phoenix.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I appreciate that. Meanwhile, Alexander Von Blankenship ducks low, hitting Tuxedo Mask low blow while Richie Richardson is checking on Bowman!
The Arizona crowd throws some jeers that AVB shrugs off. He smirks att Richie Richardson before he grabs Tux to hit a DDT
…ONE!
…Ruben Bowman makes the save!
The audience applauds as Tuxedo Mask rolls back to his feet. Von Blankenship comes up as well, his eyes narrowed on Bowman who charges at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman hits a kneelift on AVB. He irish whips Von Blankenship onto the ropes before hammering home a huge clothesline that sends AVB crashing to the mat.
Bowman snarls, stomping away at Alexander Von Blankenship’s back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman now raining kicks into Alexander Von Blankenship’s ribs.
Phillip Blauer: I was in the heel locker room to see if everyone had eaten the swedish meatballs at their catering too, and I overheard Ruben telling people he had not appreciated AVB’s words about his blackout poem.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Are there any more…
Phillip Blauer: Not anymore.
The fans seem to enjoy AVB’s predicament as Bowman kicks him over and over. Ruben reaches down to grab him, but Tuxedo Mask dives onto his back, arms coiling around his head as he yanks backwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxmission!! Tuxedo Mask steps down on the backs of Bowman’s knees and pulls back on the big man’s head!
With the sleeper hold locked in, the Phoenix fans are going wild! But Bowman powers out of the Tuxmission, and then gets to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman grabs Tuxedo Mask by the throat and throws him across the ring!
Phillip Blauer: The young Bowman clearly taking Tux pretty lightly after he pinned him in Belfast, tossing him out like he would an accentual verse.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bowman now stomping Tux…
Phillip Blauer: That’s a poetry joke. Those aren’t easy to do.
Guillermo O’Bannon:= I caught it, Phil. Ruben Bowman irish whips Tuxedo Mask into the corner. Bowman runs in but Alexander Von Blankenship cuts him off with a kick to the stomach. Tuxedo Mask grabs him in a front facelock, climbs to the second turnbuckle and jumps off with a tornado DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship rips Tuxedo Mask off and makes the cover himself!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask rips AVB off of Ruben Bowman!
Alexander Von Blankenshiip gets to his feet yelling and pointing at Tuxedo Mask as the McKay Center is eating it up
Guillermo O’Bannon:= Alexander Von Blankenship shoves Tux!
The fans let out a collective “OH!”
Phillip Blauer: This could be over content exchanges.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask starts throwing punches! AVB tries to respond, but Tux ducks his right hand and atomic drops his groin on the top rope!
The crowd celebrates AVB’s condition as he is perched on the middle of the top rope. Von Blankenship’s eyes cross from the pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hits the ropes and dropkicks the impaled Alexander Von Blankenship to the floor below!
The Phoenix crowd cheers as AVB tumbles to the floor below. Tuxedo Mask dips into a mocking bow before his eyes widen
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman rips Tuxedo Mask into the air, flinging him backwards with a huge release german suplex!
Tuxedo Mask is sprawled out on the mat. Bowman poses for the fans for a heel pop before he stalks over to grab Von Blankenship
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bowman lifts Alexander Von Blankenship up into a suplex and then just leaves him up there!
The fans boo as Bowman obnoxiously motions for more applause. He then does a slow circle while still holding AVB in the air
Phillip Blauer: His allegories aren’t the only thing that are strong.
Ruben Bowman finally deposits Von Blankenship to the mat in that suplex. AVB sits up and arches his back in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship was broken in half with that delayed vertical suplex!
Some of the fans in The McKale Center have to give it up for that show of strength as Bowman rolls him up for a pin
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask split legged moonsaults the back of Ruben Bowman’s head!!
The audience explodes, and Tuxedo Mask rolls to his feet in a mocking spin with his arms spread wide.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The fans explode, and Tux grabs the rising Bowman in another Tuxmission!!
The fans are urging Bowman to tap out as Tuxedo Mask leans back, arm tightening as he clamps the hold in.
Tuxedo Mask: “Come on, tap. (whining) Give it up, will ya?”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman struggles to break the Tuxmission. Alexander Von Blankenship is back on his feet though, and drives his boot square into Tuxedo Mask’s face!
The Phoenix crowd boos and Bowman rolls over, pushing himself upwards as he rubs at his neck. He scowls, shaking his head as he climbs to his feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But here comes AVB, and low blow to Ruben Bowman from behind!
Richie Richardson admonishes him, but Alexander Von Blankenship smiles with a shake of his head before he shrugs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship drops back to the corner, and then barrels in with the Baptism punch!!
The fans jeer as Ruben Bowman stumbles back, shaking his head before AVB fires off another Baptism, but still Bowman stands
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB trying to knock Bowman down with two Baptisms but the big man stays upright. Von Blankenship cocks back and goes for a third that but Bowman catches him with a big boot as he comes in!!
AVB pitches forward and crashes into the ropes, landing on the middle rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hits the ropes and then hits Alexander Von Blankenship with a 619 kick!!
The McKale Center explodes, and Tux leaps to the top turnbuckle, backflipping into a moonsault but AVB rolls aside, and Tux crashes against the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lifts Tux up into suplex, drops his feet on the top rope and then slingshot suplexes him! Tuxedo Mask rolls around, clearly in pain before AVB rolls him up for the pin!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Ruben Bowman rips AVB into the air, firing him across the ring with a release german!
The fans eat it up, and Alexander Von Blankenship begs off as Bowman stalks him. The McKale Center chants “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” mocking him, and Bowman shakes his head before AVB rolls out of the ring Ruben points at him, cursing as AVB holds up his hands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask comes charging in, but Ruben Bowman ducks aside before he grabs Tux to irish whip him into the corner. He charges in, crashing his massive form with an avalanche into Tux which draws sympathetic groans from the fans.
Phillip Blauer: Sympathetic Groans would make a decent album name for Morrissey.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ruben Bowman smirks, and lifts Tux up as he calls for the powerslam. Then he staggers forward, dropping Tux as he is smashed with a chair by Alexander Von Blankenship with a chair!!
The audience rains jeers down as AVB slams the chair across Ruben’s back again and again!! Richie Richardson looks on helplessly as Alexander Von Blankenship flings the chair onto the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB grabs the rising Tuxedo Mask, and drives a knee into his stomach. before he hit the angels wings he calls Purification onto the steel chair!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The fans boo as Alexander Von Blankenship rises to his feet, kicking Tuxedo Mask from the ring as he motions for Richie Richardson to raise his hand.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship lying in wait with that chair until he could find the perfect time to strike, and gets the win here.
Phillip Blauer: You see an opportunist, I see an excellent new number one contender to the Hardkore West Coast title. And I could possibly be his new wing man out at whatever passes for clubs out here in Phoenix. AVB and the Blau Dog (starts barking)
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one’s ever gonna call you that, Phil. Just give it up.
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes 54 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP!!!”
“Blessed Up” by Wande plays as AVB smirks down at the slowly stirring and battered Bowman, shrugging as he mockingly waves at the jeering audience.
Guillermo O’Bannon: However he accomplished it, as you said Phil, Alexander Von Blankenship goes on to win the number one contendership to the Hardkore West Coast Championship and goes to Hardkore Helloween 2022 for a shot at the champion, The Sheik!
Alexander Von Blankenship does a little dance at ringside. Fans crane over the guardrail trying to punch him and flip him off as he passes by. He stands at the top of the ramp and says “Always Very Blessed” into Jackie Valentine Jr’s camera when he gets close
Phillip Blauer: Hi. I’m the beloved Phillip Blauer.
Phil pauses for non existent applause
Phillip Blauer: Thank you. After marrying my beloved Dorothy, elderly care became a big priority in my life. And let me tell you something, compadre, It is a horror show. Nothing a loved one should be seeing. But most of all, nothing I should be seeing.
Phillip Blauer: So I decided to take billions of dollars Dorothy made in the raunchy cocktail napkin business and started a chain of assisted living communities. But you may be saying to yourself, “Phillip, are you off your rocker? I don’t need to hear about amazing deals on assisted living community long term housing! I’m Generation X. I was at Woodstock 94! The mud one, not the everything on fire one.” Well hold on to your nipple rings, Trevor, because I have some news for you!
Shady Sunsets
Phillip Blauer: Shady Sunsets is a facility where you can live out your golden years with other people of Generation X. A healthy and active senior community, we have group activities like:
Hacky Sack
Mario Kart
Dungeons and Dragons
And DJ lessons from the some of the top senior DJs in the area. Guys like Thee-O, Alice DeeJay, and Ron D Core. Yes! They’re still alive! So come on down and see if Shady Sunsets is where you would like to come to die…live, live. I meant live.
Soothing music plays out as the Shady Sunsets graphic returns
Shady Sunsets
Camera opens on the Arizona State Fair with Kilroy Evans standing in front of a food truck wearing an Angel's Revenge MST 3000 shirt. Guillermo tries to test their audio hook up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy, can you hear me?
Kilroy Evans: I can.
Audio technician Kenny Valentine Jr. gives Guillermo the thumbs up, and Guillermo nods in return
Kilroy Evans: Hi Hardkore World, you know, back in Arizona for the first time since I lost to Roscoe Law back in 2008. Some wounds never heal. (cheers up) But anyway, I love fairs, carnivals, and fundraisers! So I couldn’t be happier to be here at the Arizona State Fair. Now if you’ll excuse me, I would like to indulge in a guilty pleasure and partake in some fair food.
Kilroy walks up to the food truck and the vendor comes to the window
Kilroy Evans: I would like a hamburger please.
Vendor: That’ll be 18.50 and we’re all out of ketchup.
Kilroy Evans: (looks at the camera) Nothing like fair food!
Kilroy sits in a chair eating a churro while he gets a caricature done by an artist
When it is finished, he looks at it and tears well up in his eyes. He gets a large lump in his throat
Phillip Blauer: This has got to be like when Jack Nicholson’s Joker asks for the mirror.
Cut to the caricature artist’s head sticking through the canvas of the painting after Kilroy has smashed it over his head. Kilroy licks a fudge vanilla swirl ice cream cone as he walks away
Kilroy plays the goldfish game while eating a comically large corn dog
Kilroy Evans: I can’t believe it! I won! I won!
Teenager: (unenthused) Sick. Here’s your goldfish.
Kilroy Evans: Oh my god. I had no idea when I got up this morning that I would be coming home with such a huge responsibility.
Teenager: You don’t have to take it.
Kilroy Evans: Now who am I to blow against the wind? Clearly, me and this goldfish are supposed to go through life together.
Teenager shrugs and hands Kilroy the plastic bag with the fish.
Kilroy Evans: Um, hello. My name is Kilroy. I’m one half of the Hardkore World Tag Team Champions. What’s your name? (to teenager) What’s his name…
Teenager: (without hesitation) Larry!!
The kid can’t take the pain of losing his closest friend, and runs off, trying to hide his tears
Kilroy Evans: Well, hello Larry. I can’t wait to take you home. We can watch movies together and you can advise me on when is too much sour cream. I won’t listen, but you’ll be the taskmaster, wiggling your judgemental fin at me but loving me like a father figure. Behind your razor wit and sarcasm, belies a protective mama bear instinct to shield me from the world…
SPLAT!!
Kilroy looks down and Poena, The Sanctified has slapped Larry the Goldfish to the dirt floor, breaking his plastic bag. Larry, gasps his final breaths, staring at Kilroy. Telling him to be happy
Kilroy looks up at a smug, smiling Poena
Poena, The Sanctified: Hello, Yorlik. Are you enjoying the fair?
Arizona State Fair Death Match
Kilroy Evans vs. Poena
Like a thousand suns, Kilroy turns beet red and smashes Poena with a flurry of punches
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans backing Poena into the Henna tattoo place. He bites Poena on the bridge of the nose!!
Poena screams as blood immediately flows from the cut over his nose. Poena returns fire with several punches of his own. Poena blasts Kilroy with several forearms that catch him right between the eyes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified cracks Kilroy in the side of the head with a forearm that knocks him to the pavement.
Poena lifts his leg and stomps on Kilroy’s hand, making Kilroy shriek in pain. Poena smashes Kilroy on the back of the head with an elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena sinks his teeth into Kilroy’s ear!
Phillip Blauer: This is the most heinous thing I’ve seen at the fair since my attempt at Test Your Strength failed to get past Cold Fish. I gotta say, I was at a bad angle you see, and…
Guillermo O’Bannon:Poena trying to to bite Kilroy’s ear off!
After some agonizing gnashing, Kilroy is finally able to grab Poena by the back of the head snapmares him to the pavement. Evans grabs Poena around the waist and then gut wrench suplexes him near a wooden fence. Poena arches his back in pain and Kilroy checks his ear for blood and comes back with bloody fingers
Phillip Blauer: Poena going all gas, no brakes! Hardkore World, and I am here for that!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What are you doing?
Phillip Blauer: Jonnie said I should throw in a little Sportscenter vibe in. You don’t like?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified staggers up and Kilroy spears him through the fence!!
People gasp as Kilroy and Poena lie in a mud pile with pieces of wooden planks all around them. A pig with a blue ribbon comes sniffing over them
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’ve broken through into the pig pens for the livestock competitions!
Phillip Blauer: Why, I would know that pig anywhere. That’s Penny! I’ve done numerous pieces on her. Look at the widths of her hams, and the soundness, to her pasterns, hocks, knees, rump, and the shoulders.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy slowly getting to his feet but…
Phillip Blauer: Are you seeing the pasterns??
Guillermo O’Bannon: I see the pasterns, Phil. Geez. Kilroy up but Poena grabs a clump of mud and throws it in Kilroy’s eyes!
Phillip Blauer: They better hope that’s mud. Either way that’s the best Kilroy has smelled in years.
Poena whacks Kilroy with a chop. He rips the blinded Kilroy’s Angel’s Revenge shirt open and whacks him with a hard chop.
Phillip Blauer: I get what Poena is trying to do, but Kilroy’s got a whole crate of those shirts. He’ll just wear more.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another hard chop from Poena backs Kilroy into the pen. He grabs him by the head and arm then spike DDTs him into the mud!!
Poena backs up and kneedrops Kilroy right between the eyes. He lifts him to his feet, then starts rocking him with elbow smashes. Poena scoops Kilroy up and drops his stomach on the pen gate
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena scoops Kilroy up and drops his stomach on the pen gate!
Kilroy gasps for air and Poena flips him over the side into the petting zoo area. Poena gets a running start and flips over the railing, nailing Kilroy with a senton
Onlooker: What in tarnation?
Phillip Blauer: I agree, what in tarnation, indeed?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena backs him into a gate with a series of elbow smashes to the face, each one stiffer than the last.
In the background, the freak show has come out to watch. A disinterested geek looks on and casually bites the head of a chicken off like an apple.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena backs him into a gate with a series of elbow smashes to the face, each one stiffer than the last.
Suddenly a goat jumps up and butts Poena in the groin. Poena reaches back to slap the goat but Kilroy catches his hand
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy is not going to let someone hit a colleague of his.
Poena tries to hit him with his other arm, but Kilroy grabs that one as well
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy batters Poena in the face with a flurry of headbutts that really open up that cut over Poena’s nose. He belly to belly suplexes him into one of those vendor’s kiosks!
Poena lies in the clothing racks that he knocked over, with airbrushed 2Pac t-shirts, Cardinals jerseys and Lynx masks lying on the ground. Kilroy pulls him up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified basement dropkicks Kilroy in the knees! Kilroy goes down to his knees, and Poena takes him over into a headache kneeling huracanrana!!
Andy Valentine Jr. and Jimmy Valentine Jr. get their faces on camera, hooping and hollering at the action
Phillip Blauer: Ah, there is our Hardkore World intern and merch rep enjoying some state fair action.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Aren’t they supposed to be working right now?
Backstage interviewer Kevin Valentine Jr. drag Andy and Jimmy out of the shot and tries to cover their faces. Poena, The Sanctified jumps onto Kilroy’s chest with a double stomp
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena pulls Kilroy up to his knees, gets behind him, and just starts hammering him with forearms to his chest. He pulls Evan to his feet and hits him in the esophagus with a throat thrust that knocks Kilroy in reverse into a back peddle.
Kilroy hammer back with a punch of his own but Poena smashes him with a hard closed fist. Kilroy staggers back until a faint music is heard and gets increasingly louder
Sergeant O'Leary is walkin' the beat
At night he becomes a bartender
He works at Mister Cacciatore's down on Sullivan Street
Across from the medical center
He's tradin' in his Chevy for a Cadillac
Phillip Blauer: Ack, ack, ack, ack, ack!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena and Kilroy have fought their way over the Shades of Billy, a Tribute to Billy Joel cover band.
Phillip Blauer: I think the Piano Man would approve, after all he was the one who said Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was Elton John.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t believe that’s true. That was one of my favorite ditties of The Piano Guy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Piano Man.
Poena slaps Kilroy so hard that Shades of Billy stops playing. The entire crowd turns around and stares at a panting, bleeding Poena. The stage manager frantically cues the piano player
Piano Player: Uhhh…(starts playing piano and sings) What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?
Back Up Singers: Can't you tell that your tie's too wide?
Piano Player: Maybe I should buy some old tab collars?
Back Up Singers: Welcome back to the age of jive
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified pulls Kilroy out of the concert area and over to the shooting gallery and dropkicks him up and over the side!
Poena snatches a BB gun away from a little kid, and then takes aim as Kilroy staggers to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena shoots Kilroy in the butt with a BB gun!!
Kilroy yelps in pain and covers his cheek. Poena shoots him with another BB that hits him in the back.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy ducks for cover! Peona searching for him to raise his head, and almost doesn’t notice the fire extinguisher thrown at his head!!
Poena ducks the fire extinguisher and it makes a loud clank as it hits the asphalt. Kilroy jumps off the table of the shooting range and bulldogs Poena from behind. An animal balloon salesman walks by
Balloon Animal Salesman: Hey there big guy. Wanna poodle? How about a sword, so you can be like Jake and the Neverland Pirates? Would you like that?
Kilroy Evans: (hands him a $20) How about a noose?
Balloon Animal Salesman: Don’t tell my boss, alright? I’m already in hot water for the dong I made those teenagers.
Phillip Blauer: The guy didn’t have the heart to tell poor Kilroy they cost $25.
Kilroy nervously nods and the guy makes him a balloon noose. Kilroy puts it around Poena’s neck and gets a sadistic gleam in his eye. He puts his knee in Poena’s back and then pulls back on it. It immediately pops.
Kilroy Evans: Aw.
The balloon animal guy stuffs the $20 in his pocket and runs off. Poena dragon screws Kilroy to the ground and then starts stomping his head and legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena grabs Kilroy and pulls him over to the food area. He pie faces a funnel cake into Kilroy’s face!
Phillip Blauer: Make no mistake, those things can be scalding.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena now spraying whipped cream on him, turning him into a Kilroy Sundae.
Phillip Blauer: Less horrifying to picture than a Kilroy Sunday, which mostly consists of painting famous Mama’s Family scenes on canvas in day old boxers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I got Mama’s GLOW match against Big Bad Voodoo Mama hanging up in my dining room.
Phillip Blauer: And I have Mama’s dream sequence as a film noir detective in my bathroom but he gives those out for Christmas. He’s just standing there waiting for you to thank him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I actually wanted that one. Wanna trade?
Phillip Blauer: I respectfully decline.
Poena grabs a plate of nachos from a woman, but Kilroy sees him coming and drop toeholds him face first into the nachos
Phillip Blauer: That should be a disqualification. I myself cannot make any skin-to- jalapeno contact. I have a doctor’s note that I bring to Mexican restaurants. They call me ‘El Willo’. Which I assume means, the admirable customer who shouldn’t have to tip because his presence elevates this restaurant all on it’s own.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It means ‘the weak sauce.’ Kilroy Evans front facelocks him and twists him around into a swinging neckbreaker!
Poena sits up with nacho cheese on his face, clutching the back of his neck. Kilroy is clearing his eyes of whipped cream and funnel cake pieces from his beard. Kilroy goes over to the beer vendor and buys a 16oz cup
Phillip Blauer: Where is he keeping all this money? A fair beer? Why that’s astronomical!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans bashes Poena in the face with the beer, and it sprays everywhere!
Poena tries to get the stinging beer out of his eyes. A fan hands Kilroy another beer, and Evans waits for Poena to finish cleaning out his vision
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy throws a second beer into Poena’s eyes!
Poena cries out in pain and frustration. Kilroy Evans grabs him by the hand and goes to irish whip him but then just pulls him in for a headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Shake Hands with Danger! But Poena hangs onto his arm and pulls him in for a shortarm lariat that turns Kilroy inside out!
Phillip Blauer: (listening to headset) I’m sorry, Gertrude, I’m gonna have to interrupt you here. We have some late breaking news and we now go live to our correspondent Kevin Valentine Jr. who luckily happened to be right on the scene. Kevin?
Cut to Kevin Valentine standing in front of a stage. Onstage there is a table with three plates, piled high with chicken wings. Three men are busy eating the wings as fast as they can. His lower third graphic says “Kevn Valentine Jr. Hardkore World correspondent”
Kevin Valentine Jr.: What?
Phillip Blauer: (sighs) What was your report?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: (nods) That’s right, Phil. I’m here where local man Tim Jacobs of Quartzsite is eating through a divorce to the point where he just might break the World wing record. The feeling here is electric and everyone in attendance is hoping to see history made here.
Phillip Blauer: I see. And is this in any way harmful?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: That’s right, Phil. It is incredibly harmful. All three of these men will be in gastrointestinal distress for quite some time. But it looks like Tim Jacobs is getting close to the record and just has to eat one more wing to belong to the Gods!
Tim discards the bone and then pumps his fist to get the crowd cheering. He reaches for the last wing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified powerbombs Kilroy Evans through the wings table!!
A horrified Tim Jacobs stares down at Kilroy Evans lying amongst the chicken bones and table debris
Phillip Blauer: Now we’ll have no way of knowing if Tim could have finished that last wing. Experts will debate it for centuries.
Poena sits Kilroy against the broken table. He backs up and then gets a running start before basement dropkicking the seated Evans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena, The Sanctified backs up and then gives him another basement dropkick, rocking Evans’ head against that broken table!!
Poena, The Sanctified grabs both of Kilroy’s hands, and then stomps his head over and over while Evans’ face is completely unprotected. He lets go of Kilroy’s hands and then raises his hands to the sky
Poena, The Sanctified: “You are His, Yorlik!”
Poena motions like he is drawing something from the heavens, and then drives into Kilroy’s chest with a heart punch
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sacrifice!! Poena, The Sanctified covers Kilroy Evans on that stage and Kelly O’Connell slides in to make the count!
…ONE!
…TWO
…THR- Kilroy Evans kicks out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena grabs Kilroy and leads him over to that Funhouse right there!
Phillip Blauer: They went in without a ticket! This match is just getting more and more brutal.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena yakuza kicks Kilroy through the doors!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our cameras have caught up with them now, and Poena lifts Kilroy up into a suplex and then just drops him on the conveyor belt floor!
Poena tries to follow up with a senton but Kilroy’s body has moved on the conveyor belt and he hits the hard steel ground
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men cruising down the conveyor belt past the curtain.
Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. trails behind them and when he gets through the curtain, Poena stands up but there’s no Kilroy. Only dozens of skewed mirrors
Phillip Blauer: It’s like a House of Mirrors!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Poena suddenly sees Kilroy and discus elbows what turns out to be a mirror! Kilroy appears behind him, but Poena’s ready for him with a superkick but that turns out to be a mirror as well!
Phillip Blauer: These are unsafe working conditions!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He almost punches another Kilroy but stops himself before he breaks his hand on the glass.
It turns out to be the real Kilroy, and he grabs Poena and starts biting him on the eyebrow while The Dark Savior screams
Phillip Blauer: Apparently he’s still hungry after the funnel cake and the corn dog.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy grabs Poena in his Watch Out For Snakes cobra clutch!! He pulls back on Poena’s wrist while putting pressure on the back of his neck with his other hand.
Kilroy thrashes Poena from side to side while Kelly O’Connell waits to see if he goes out. Suddenly you can hear laughter filling the Funhouse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Does anyone else hear that?
Phillip Blauer: Oh thank heavens, I thought it was just me. I frequently have maniacal laughter ringing in my ears. I think it’s a form of tinnitus. Who is laughing in a Funhouse? Completely inappropriate.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Either way, Poena is starting to fade as Kilroy clinches down on The Watch Out For Snakes. Wait, there’s Malcolm Xavier Graves!
Kilroy can’t trust his own eyes here, but he drops Poena to give himself two hands.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy has to keep his head on a swivel here because where there is one Oracle of Suffering, there has to be…
The Sheik black mass kicks Poena across the jaw
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits Poena with The Scimitar!! Poena made some disparaging comments about The Sheik and MXG, and I guess they did not take them well. Poena staggers into Kilroy who hits him with The Bad Touch diamond cutter on the floor of the funhouse!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Sheik glares at a confused Kilroy, but Malcolm Xavier Graves drags him out of the Funhouse
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Oracles of Suffering have come apart at the seams, and it appears Poena’s chickens have come home to roost after what he did to Cyrus Komar, Natalie Burrows and others.
Back at the McKale Center, Greg Jin makes the announcement
Greg Jin: “At 25 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…KILROY EVANS!!!”
The audience roars and “Rock Club” by Family Jules plays. Back at the Arizona State Fair, Kilroy staggers out of the Funhouse covered in blood, wing sauce, whipped cream, and funnel cake.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This match was an all time classic. Poena tried to destroy Kilroy and take him to the dark side, but the fun loving South Carolinian found a way to mentally persevere, and now Poena is left without a cult…
Phillip Blauer: Religious followers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …to win the numbers game.
Backstage interviewer Kevin Valentine Jr. hurries to get a comment
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Kilroy Evans, you just won that brutal Arizona State Fair Death Match. What are you going to do?
Kilroy Evans: (breathing heavy, trying to catch his breath) I…I…(swallows) I’m gonna get my face painted like a kitty.
Kilroy staggers off to the face painting tent
Kevin Valentine Jr.: There you have it fans, the man wants to look like a kitty cat. We’ll be right back with more Hardkore World action from here in Arizona!
*We open on a tight shot of a babbling creek. It's very relaxing Watching the water rush over the little rocks. The camera pulls out to reveal former president, Curtis D. Kanyon, standing at the edge of the creek, one foot up on a medium sized Boulder, fly fishing, looking majestic as all hell.*
Curtis: Hello their Hardkore audience. I bought commercial time on your television screen, because I have something important to tell you. Something that affects all of the XHF. I'm trying to get ahead of this, and as I am the King of Hardcore, you are my people, so I brought it to you first. I need to tell you, the BANG! Bros are fine.
*Curtis takes a deep breath, filling his lungs with that country air.*
Curtis: That's right, we're fine. Despite any rumors or edited videos you've seen, we're stronger than ever. We were the best fiction of 2021, and we will be for 2022 as well. Steve and Spike's little side projects are most likely going to clash, and then lose to me and EC, but that's okay. We've all clashed before and been fine. Because BANG! Bros are forever. So don't listen to fake news, listen to a source you can trust. A former president and current member of the team.
*Curtis gives a thumbs up and the video pauses.*
Voice over: This message has been approved by the committee for a United BANG! Bros
"Long Walk Home" by Howl Trance plays and the Arizona crowd cheers as kids wearing Lynx masks mug to get on camera. After a few moments, Lynx walks out and slaps the fans’ hands, especially the young ones wearing his mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Last time we saw Lynx he got to the finals of the Hardkore World Tag Team title tournament at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, but was betrayed by his partner Ruben Bowman.
Phillip Blauer: Ruben Bowman had to cut the dead weight. Like when Zach Morris made the difficult decision to go solo from Zach Attack.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now he tries to put all that behind him and focus on his first title opportunity here in Hardkore World, a night he has dreamed about since he was the age of those kids in his mask. He has wrestled The Sheik in San Diego back in June in the first round of the Hardkore West Coast Championship title tournament, with The Sheik obviously moving on to win the entire thing. But he says he believes in second chances, and that The Sheik only beat him after constant interference by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves. He promises that tonight will be different and it will be The Sheik and MXG doing the suffering tonight.
Phillip Blauer: I have to say, I don’t get the appeal of this Lynx character to these youngins. When I was a young buck, we looked up to Dick Tracy, the Lone Ranger, and Buck Rogers. But masked Sicilian? Has the world gone topsy turvy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, Phil. This is insane. That would make you like…
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Sicily; Standing 6 feet; Weighing 200 pounds; The only role model in Hardkore World…LYNX!!!”
The audience roars as Lynx waves back at them and blows kisses.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the McKale Center rocks with boos as Malcolm Xavier Graves walks out with the Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik behind him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And here he is, the Hardkore West Coast Champion fresh off of costing Poena his Arizona State Fair Death Match against their shared enemy Kilroy Evans. The Sheik proves once again to be erratic and violent, even lashing out at supposed friends.
Phillip Blauer: I like the cut of his jib.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik was very clear, as clear as he can be, about how he will be remaining Hardkore West Coast Champion one way or another tonight. The Sheik is even somehow insulted that Lynx would even accept a rematch against him.
Phillip Blauer: To be honest, I thought it was a bit of a dick move myself, but I thought it was just me.
The Sheik paces from side to side as Malcolm Xavier Graves holds up the Hardkore West Coast Championship over his head and sneers at Lynx
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Man from Rub' al Khali; He is The HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…THE SHEIK!!!”
The fans boo The Sheik who ignores them and continues to pace back and forth, ready to jump out of his skin
HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPIONSHIP
The Sheik vs. Lynx
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. The Sheik tries to jump him from behind but Lynx is ready for him with a kick to the stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tries to sneak up on Lynx like he did in their first match in San Diego, but this time Lynx was ready for him. He swings around with an enzuigiri kick!
The McKale Center pops and The Sheik rolls out of the ring holding his ear while Malcolm Xavier Graves counsels him on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx not waiting for him, and goes out to the apron. He hops onto the middle of the second rope and springboard moonsaults The Sheik while he’s distracted by MXG!!
The fans chant “LYNX!! LYNX!! LYNX!!” while Lynx, who landed on his feet, cheers them on. Lynx pulls him up into an inverted facelock. The Sheik twists out of it into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik drops Lynx’s skull with a DDT on the floor!!
The cheers turn to jeers as The Sheik’s eyes bulge out. He gets up and holds the railing while he kicks and stomps Lynx about the head and back. Blood begins to leak through Lynx’s mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: We already have a little blood in this match! The Sheik now tearing at Lynx’s mask!
Phillip Blauer: Yes, expose him! I’m tired of thinking every Italian backstage is Lynx.
The McKale Center boos as The Sheik starts trying to rip off Lynx’s mask. Lynx finally gets up and pushes The Sheik backwards into the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx spins into a roundhouse kick that stuns the Hardkore West Coast Champion!
Lynx half nelsons The Sheik, but Sheik elbows his way out of it. The Sheik rams Lynx’s face into the apron and then climbs back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik slingshots himself over the ropes and catches Lynx with a plancha!!
The Phoenix fans boo as The Sheik and a bleeding Lynx lie on the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves helps The Sheik to his feet, and the champ rolls Lynx back into the ring. The Sheik steps back through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik applies a LeBell lock on Lynx! He locks his hands around Lynx’s head and pulls back on his head, while clamping down on his twisted arm with his legs.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Lynx shakes his head, refusing to give up. The audience chants “LYNX!! LYNX!! LYNX!!” as he tries to feed off their energy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx is able to roll backwards so that Sheik’s back is to the mat and his shoulders are pinned.
…ONE!
…The Sheik releases the LeBell lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx up to his feet first and makes Sheik pay with a shining wizard to the side of his head!
The McKale Center cheers and Sheik goes down. Lynx adjusts his ripped mask, and wipes away some blood. He pulls Sheik to his feet with a half nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx drops Sheik on his head with a wrist clutch exploder!
Lynx pulls The Sheik up to his feet while Malcolm Xavier Graves tells Tommy Milligan to watch the hair pull. He irish whips The Sheik into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope and jumps back with a springboard elbow!!
The Phoenix fans jeer as The Sheik and Lynx recover. Malcolm Xavier Graves pounds the mat
Malcolm Xavier Graves: “Tear it off! Tear it off!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik again tearing at the eye hole of Lynx’s mask, and punching the cut over his eyebrow, trying to open it up further.
The boos are deafening as The Sheik tries to unmask Lynx
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik obviously wants one of those Lynx masks for himself. They’re a hot ticket at the merch stand.
After a while, The Sheik gives up and pulls him to his feet by the mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik sits out into a facebuster! But Lynx rolls out of the way of a leg drop. He gets to his feet and dropkicks The Sheik!
Lynx fixes his torn mask, revealing some dark hair underneath. He pulls Sheik up into a double underhook, and then flips him into a tiger driver
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik claps his legs together on Lynx’s head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx irish whips him but The Sheik reverses it and shoots Lynx into the corner. He follows him in with a heel kick!
The Sheik irish whips Lynx into the ropes and takes him out with a sling blade. The kids in the audience chant “Sheik Sucks! Sheik Sucks! Sheik Sucks!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik stomps at Lynx’s head over and over. He scoops him up and drops him into a michinoku driver!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lynx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik irish whips Lynx into the ropes, and goes for a clothesline, but Lynx ducks underneath it and goes behind with a tiger suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx irish whips Sheik into the ropes and takes him out with a spinning heel kick! He hops onto the second turnbuckle and flips into a moonsault!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx snap suplexes Sheik, and then motions for him to get to his feet. He nearly takes his head off with a jumping roundhouse kick!
The audience cheers. Sheik struggles to get to his feet but Lynx catches him with a running DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Malcolm Xavier Graves gets up on the apron and pushes him down to the mat below!!
The McKale Center rocks with boos and The Sheik slowly pulls himself up by the ropes
Phillip Blauer: Good on Mr. Graves from keeping that masked guy from illegally using the top rope. Frank Gotch didn’t need it when I was a kid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope, and then hops back with a diving leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lynx kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik has now torn off most of Lynx’s mask!!
The audience gasps as most of Lynx’s face is now visible, but some is still covered by the mask and the rest of it in blood
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Eron Hunter!!
Phillip Blauer: I still don’t know who it is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: From MJPW.
Phillip Blauer: Are you having a stroke?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs him around the head and steps up to the second turnbuckle, jumping off with a tornado DDT!
The impact shoots Eron Hunter back up to his knees, and then he drops face first onto the mat, bleeding on the canvas
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik goes for a suplex, but Hunter blocks it with his leg. He counters with a fisherman’s suplex of his own!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eron Hunter butterflies The Sheik’s arms and tosses him over his shoulder with a double underhook suplex!
The crowd is cheering wildly and Eron Hunter cartwheel kicks him! He steps through the ropes out on to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hunter smashes him with a springboard kneelift!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls Tommy Milligan out of the ring!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What did he do that for?
Phillip Blauer: He needs to instruct Tommy on the count speed his client would like. He thinks of everything.
Malcolm Xavier Graves clubs Tommy Milligan in the back of the head with his cane, and the kids scream
Guillermo O’Bannon: That has got to be an automatic fine or suspension right there!
Phillip Blauer: Everything is so expensive these days, even hitting Tommy.
Graves hands The Sheik a chair and Sheik holds it over his head as Eron Hunter gets to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik bends the frame of that chair over Hunter’s skull with a massive chair shot!!
Phillip Blauer: He might need to put the mask on after that.
The McKale Center rains boos down on top of The Sheik, who climbs to the top turnbuckle with the chair in his hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps off with an arabian facebuster with that chair!!
The Sheik makes the cover, but there’s no referee. Malcolm Xavier Graves tells him he’ll go get another referee and runs up the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik places that chair over Hunter’s body and climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. He backflips into a moonsault onto that chair!!
Eron Hunter rolls onto his stomach, bleeding onto the canvas. The Sheik knocks the bent chair rendered useless from his abuse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik irish whips Eron Hunter into the corner and runs in with a huracanrana, but Hunter catches him and runs out of the corner with his liger bomb!!
Malcolm Xavier Graves runs down the aisle dragging Richie Richardson but his face turns to horror when he sees Hunter pinning Sheik. Richardson shrugs and slides into the ring
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THR- The Sheik claps his legs together on Hunter’s head!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think if Richie Richardson had gotten to the ring sooner, this would have been over.
Phillip Blauer: And if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eron Hunter pulls The Sheik up into an inverted facelock, bit Sheik twists out of it and kicks Hunter in the stomach. He butterflies Eron’s arms and drives his head into the mat with a double underhook DDT!
Graves applauds on the outside while The Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Shiek leaps off with a leg drop, but Eron Hunter rolls out of the way!
The crowd leaps to their feet, and starts stomping on the floor, creating a thunderous rumbling, urging Eron to his feet. Hunter goes to the outside, and pulls on the top rope, vaulting himself onto the middle of the top rope and then leaps off into a springboard lariot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liger Lariato!! But he’s not done!
Eron Hunter points to the crowd and then climbs to the top turnbuckle. He backflips into a shooting star press
Guillermo O’Bannon: Predator Dive!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The 8,000 in attendance leap to their feet and celebrate as “Long Walk Home” plays. Richie Richardson hands Eron Hunter the Hardkore West Coast Championship belt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lynx…or Eron Hunter has done it! He’s won the Hardkore West Coast title. Mask or no mask, he is now the champion!
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 41 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…LYNX!!!”
A blood drenched Eron Hunter lofts the Hardkore West Coast Championship over his head. Malcolm Xavier Graves drags an incensed Sheik back to the locker room
Phillip Blauer: Maybe finally getting to take off that smelly mask gave him some sort of super powers. Like Popeye’s spinach.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think it had more to do with these people getting behind him and giving him the extra push he needed to overcome the violence of The Sheik and his manager’s interference.
Phillip Blauer: I like my Popeye theory better.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore West Coast Championship has changed hands three times in Arizona. Back in 1997, when Stan “Mr. Space Mountain” Nickelson defeated “Gamesmaster” Kevin Daniels. Then in 1998, Zack Daniels beat The Shootfighter. And now, 14 years later, in 2022 Eron Hunter beats The Sheik!
Eron Hunter stands on the second turnbuckle thanking the fans, and blowing kisses to them. He hops down to the ring and picks up his ripped and bloody mask, and holds it up for the crowd, getting another huge pop
We cut to Tap Out Wrestling owner, Cross Recoba. He stands inside the Lansky Ballroom at The Sands Casino & Hotel in Vegas, Nevada - home of Tap Out. The ring and crowd set-up a permanent fixture inside the ballroom. He adjusts the lapel on his tailored suit blazer before he speaks.
Cross Recoba: Hello, HardKore World fans. For those of you who don’t know me, I run the premier sports company on the Network. You heard me, sports. We focus on real wrestling without the need to involve a trip to your local hardware store, without the need to have to tell your partner it’s a ‘male soap opera’ and instead, we pit our fighters against each other to find out who’s the best - no frills, no distractions.
The Tap Out Big Screen bursts into life with a graphic promoting Tap Out Wrestling 8: Long vs Diamond.
Cross Recoba: If you haven’t seen us, you might want to tune in to our next show on the 13th November. If you need to ask why, let me enlighten you.
The graphic turns to one promoting the titled match of Jason Long vs Jack Diamond.
Cross Recoba: Do you know the last time these two faced off? It was all the way back in September 2018. What was the occasion? Jack Diamond’s second X*Crown reign pitted him against his own stablemate, Jason Long. Now consider the fact that both of these guys have multiple X*Crown reigns between them and yet only once have they faced off…that’s our main event. Do you not think that every company on the Network wishes they had the choice to book that match? That’s the calibre of talent we attract, that’s the level of wrestler we can present to our fans. What are they fighting for? The chance to make it to the final of the Tap Out Openweight Title tournament, the chance to become the first holder of the ONLY belt we intend to have. For the loser, it’s not over but it does mean facing any one person out of NOMAD, with a record of 7-1, Isabella von Krauss from the fabled von Krauss family, Close Collins - our rookie sensation, or Poena, a man who I’m sure you’re all acquainted with. By the end of the show, the winner of the Main Event can narrow it down to just two of those names.
The screen fades to black as Cross continues to talk.
Cross Recoba: I’m confident that our tournament might well have tempted your interest. After all, we know you’re familiar with at least one person competing that night. But, what if I told you that one of you very own was on the card?
The graphic now changes to Sam Sawyer and Rat Bastard.
Cross Recoba: We managed to strike a deal to pit Rat Bastard, your very own Rat Bastard. It’s been agreed that he’ll face off against Sam Sawyer…we’re quite keen on them, they’re representing us in the Junior Heavyweight title match at End of Days on October 30th. Why would we put someone we have faith in the ring with Rat Bastard? Because we’re confident they’ll walk out victorious. We’re confident they’ll prove that you don’t need to compete in glorified human cockfights to make a name on the Network. Think I’m wrong? We still have tickets for the event, come on down. Can’t make it? Well, why not see it for yourself on the Network? Can HardKore World get one over Sam, myself and Tap Out Wrestling?
The screen now fades to black a final time before the details of the show return.
Cross Recoba: If you want to see any or all of what I’ve spoken about then we all know the easy way to watch. November 13th, only on the XHF Network.
The screen fades to black as we cut back to HKW programming.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And here we are fans, ready for our main event. We just saw one title change here tonight in Phoenix, will it be two? Former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Disney’s Marty Donovan gets his rematch against Syberus this time with the title on the line. They’ve had a previous World title ladder match in Las Vegas back in 2006.
Fade to 2006 Las Vegas show
Both men lay in the table rubble. Donovan has serious blood loss, his leg shaking uncontrollably. Syberus starts climbing up the ladder and reaches the belt. Donovan climbs up the other side
Guillermo O'Bannon: Marty Donovan flips over Syberus and Setting Sunset flip powerbombs him off the ladder!!!
The audience chants "HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!" Both men bleed all over the mat
Guillermo O'Bannon: Donovan grabs that ladder and jams it into both his knees! He rams it into Syberus' stomach, and then goes upstairs to the face!
Donovan picks up the ladder and sets it up. He climbs up after the belt but Syberus climbs up behind him. He backdrop superplexes him off the ladder!! The audience boos. Bozzini covers his eyes
Guillermo O'Bannon: Syberus tries to climb up the ladder but Donovan grabs his foot. Syberus hops off with a flying back elbow to his face! He pulls Donovan's head into his legs and delivers a piledriver!!
Phil Blauer: After punishing the neck for this long, the champ is hoping that's enough to put him out!
Sun eventually stumbles to his feet holding onto the ropes to stand. Syberus suddenly comes running off the ropes, leaps up, and delivers a Sideways Neckbreaker to Rising Sun. Syberus cracks Sun’s neck to the side with all of his weight. Donovan screams in agony, clutching his neck
Guillermo O'Bannon: Syberus climbs up that ladder and pulls his belt off!!
Ron Reid signals for the bell and The Thomas and Mack Center boos. “Supersonic" by Oasis plays as Syberus exhaustedly holds his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship belt up in the air
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 23 minutes 31 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Syberus perseveres in this ladder match! One of the toughest challenges of his career.
The Bozzinis helps the EMTs load Marty Donovan on the stretcher. Syberus picks a couple thumbtacks out of his face as he climbs down the ladder. He leans against the ropes, celebrating with his World Championship
Fade back to Guillermo and Phil
Phillip Blauer: God, I was handsome back then. Look, “The Great” Syberus has been ducking us for a while and we finally get our chance to become the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who’s we?
Phillip Blauer: Marty’s a big picture guy, and not a house show guy, so if he does win the title, there have been talks of me acting as a stand in for the B towns and just getting myself counted out. Can you get disqualified for excessive crying?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cody wouldn’t have won a match if you could.
“The Book of Boba Fett plays and The McKale Center rocks with boos, the curtains pull back and there’s a giant animatronic Jabba the Hutt, moving it’s tail and hands sometimes, with a Boba Fett silhouette sitting on a throne
Phillip Blauer: Egads! He’s here! Hide me! I think I owe him money…
Phil gets under the desk
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty?
Phillip Blauer: No, Jabba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: How can you owe Jabba the Hutt money?
Phillip Blauer: Nothing, just a little space smuggling. All rich guys do it. It’s like cheating on your wife or a boat named “Eat My Foam”.
Marty, as Boba Fett, stands up from the throne and slowly begins walking to the ring as the fans boo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty has been on quite a run lately, his racing team is 2-0 and he represented Hardkore World at the XHF End of Days PPV in Hokkaido, Japan. He also defeated Syberus in a non-title match back in August in Pomona, and comes in with a ton of momentum.
Marty steps through the ropes and then stands in the center of the ring staring at the hard camera. The camera cuts to the guy holding the sign that has Marty and AVB’s picture and says “The Annoying”. Phil sees if the coast is clear
Phillip Blauer: Did the worm mobster go away?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Uh, yes?
Phil gets back up and sits back in his chair, straightening his shirt. Inside the ring, Marty begins removing his Boba Fett suit, revealing a large medical gauze taped to his shoulder and some stitches on his ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty admired Syberus in the past, they’ve been stablemates in The Society of the New Breed but he says his says now it is his time.
Phillip Blauer: Well past it, if you ask me. He’s got the endorsements, here he is promoting Robocop.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Boba Fett.
Phillip Blauer: Hm? No, thank you. I don’t go in for that milky Japanese tea stuff. I like a gold old fashioned cup of American joe. And I like my cup of coffee like I like my wife. Bitter and diuretic.
Then the lights cut and the old Indian head "Please Stand By" TV signal fills the screens. "Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle starts up and the crowd reach their feet as images of Syberus in Hardkore World's heyday replace the testing signal. Smoke billows from the ramp and from it Syberus emerges, his robe open and flowing around him as he strides onto the stage with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, the five time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion, fresh off a successful title defense over The Sheik in front of a rowdy crowd at Irish Rage in Belfast 2022. Tonight he puts that title up against the toughest challenge since he came back to wrestling. He wants to dedicate this match to the memory of Queen Elizabeth II, and to King Charles.
Phillip Blauer: Assuming those are real people, they don’t compare to the people Marty is doing this for. Marty.
Syb takes a brief look around at the crowd with a fan holding up a “Society of the New Breed” sign before heading down the ramp.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like Syberus says, he has faced adversity before against “The Punisher” Dan Stein, against Lucifer Jones, against Andrew Karnage. He thinks all the costumes, and all the bluster takes Marty’s focus away from that Syberus is a better wrestler than him, and always has been.
Once up the ring steps Syberus wipes his feet on the apron before stooping through the ropes. He circles the ring for a second before hopping up in one corner and raising the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in the air. The lights in Hardkore Hall drop and a spotlight hits the ring. Greg Jin stands in the center of the ring while Kelly O’Connell stands in the corner
Greg Jin: “The following match is your main event of the evening!”
The McKale Arena cheers while Greg nods
Greg Jin: “It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship!. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell.”
Kelly O’Connell gives a solemn nod
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly officiating her first main event after senior official Tommy Milligan was injured in the previous match by Malcolm Xavier Graves’ cane.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, so they approve Tommy’s time off, but I can’t get a day off to get my swans neutered? Makes me wanna say Richie Richardson’s real last name…
A panicked Guillermo cues Greg
Phillip Blauer: It’s Valen…
Greg Jin: “Featuring first, hailing from the Magic Kingdom, in Orlando, Florida. Standing 6 feet and weighing 218 pounds; Representing Disney Plus who asks you to watch the new Tales of the Jedi, premiering on October 22nd…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!”
The Phoenix crowd jeers and boos while Marty stretches in the corner in his bikini briefs with the Disney Plus logo on the butt. He winces a little from his shoulder
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Manchester, England; Standing 6 feet and Weighing 200 pounds; The only Five Time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion In History…THE GREAT SYBERUS!!!”
Syberus gets a huge ovation from the fans and acknowledges them with a slight nod while staring right at Marty. Greg Jin leaves the ring and Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell
HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
The Great Syberus vs. Disney's Marty Donovan
Syberus and Marty Donovan circle one another while the fans stomp on the ground in anticipation. Syberus goes to lock up but Marty ducks his head through the ropes
Marty Donovan: “Get him back, Kelly! Get him back!”
Syberus rolls his eyes and backs up. Marty waits until Syberus is nearly three quarters of the ring away before he dares dip his head back out of the ropes
Phillip Blauer: That was a close one. If Syberus had attacked him with his head in those ropes it could have killed him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus goes for another lock up, and this time Marty obliges. Syberus backs him up into the corner.
Kelly O’Connell starts counting and Marty Donovan calls for a clean break
Marty Donovan: “Get him back, Kelly! We need a clean break here!”
Syberus puts his hands up again, but this time reaches over and rakes his nails across Donovan’s eyes
Phillip Blauer: Ring the bell, Kelly!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus snap mares Marty out of the corner. He grabs Donovan in a front facelock. He locks his hands together and presses Syberus’ face into the canvas.
Syberus leans back, cutting off Donovan’s air, forcing Marty to exert energy by getting to his feet to get his air back. Marty grabs Syberus by the legs and inverted atomic drops him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan grabs him in a full nelson, but Syberus slips his arms out, and flips Marty over his shoulder with an ipponzei throw.
Marty sits on the mat and stares at Syberus in shock. Syberus nods as Donovan carefully gets up. They lock up again, and this time Syberus grabs him in a headlock and the Phoenix crowd groans and chuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus trying to slow this match down, and wear down the high flyer. He locks his hands together and grinds his forearm across the temple of Donovan. But now Marty pulling that long hair.
Syberus: “Watch him, Kelly. Watch him.”
Kelly O’Connell sees the hairpull and starts counting until Marty begrudgingly releases it. Syberus rolls his hip and does a headlock takeover, maintaining the facelock on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is the third time Syberus has defended the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship in Phoenix. The last time was in 2008 when he lost the title to Andrew Karnage in a dog collar match. In 2006, he went to a time limit draw with Robert Hunglestien III in a steel cage match. In 2005, he defended the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship against Blak Lung. Syberus now rolling Marty onto his shoulders with that side headlock.
Syberus: “Count em, Kelly.”
…ONE!
…Marty Donovan rolls his shoulder back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty works his way back up to his feet with Syberus hanging on to that headlock. He tries to lift up into a back suplex but Syberus clamps down on the headlock, blocking it. Marty is able to slip his head out, pushing Syberus to the ropes. He kicks Syberus in the stomach and then side headlock takeovers him into a pluma blanca!
The audience boos as Marty Donovan cranks back on his while clamping down on Syberus’ head with that scissors hold. Kelly O’Connell gets into position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan locks his hands together and puts cranks Syberus’ head to the side. Last time he was here in Phoenix he was unsuccessful in his Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship match with the hometown hero, the Arizona legend, the late great Adrian Tanner Jr. back in 2008. In 2006, he teamed with Adrian Tanner Jr. and Kilroy Evans as part of The Un-Stable to successfully defend their Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Championships against Black Wallstreet and The Future World Order.
Phillip Blauer: The Blau Dog was like the unofficial fourth member of Black Wallstreet, It was an understood thing.
Syberus refuses to give up, so Marty releases the puma blanca. He pulls him up into an abdominal stretch. Kelly O’Connell is busy checking to see if Syberus gives up and doesn’t see Marty using the rope for leverage
Marty Donovan: “Ask him!!”
Syberus: “Fuck sake, check the rope, Kelly!”
Kelly O’Connell sees Marty holding the top rope and tells him to release the abdominal stretch
Marty Donovan: “It’s not what you think!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus hip throws his way out of the abdominal stretch.
Phillip Blauer: Syberus needing help from the referee as usual.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think both veterans are trying to get in this young official’s mind and try and manipulate her.
Phillip Blauer: Just like all the authority figures in her life.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus sits on Marty’s back and slaps him in the back of the head! Again!
The McKale Center pops with every slap. Marty tries crawling out of the ring with Syberus riding on his back, while Syberus slaps the back of his head some more
Marty Donovan: “Ow! Kelly! Tell him to stop! Ow!”
Marty finally climbs out of the ring while Kelly O’Connell pulls Syberus off of him. The fans heckle Marty as he paces the floor, pointing at Syberus trying to step through the ropes
Marty Donovan: “Keep him back! Back!”
Fans chant “DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS! DISNEY SUCKS!” while Marty holds his ears close
Phillip Blauer: Marty has to tune these Jimmy Buffet fans out and focus on his first Hardkore World title shot since 2006.
The Phoenix crowd buzzes with boos as fans seem to turn their attention towards the ramp. The jeers get louder and louder until Alexander Von Blankenship appears, sweaty with a towel over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s AVB doing here?
Phillip Blauer: Moral support. What would you ever know about that? You’ve never been in a squad.
AVB shushes the angry crowd and comes over to comfort Alexander Von Blankenship. He whispers in Marty’s ear, as Donovan regains his composure and nods
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus rightfully telling Kelly O’Connell to kick AVB out of here.
Phillip Blauer: That’s no fair, Syberus gets to keep you.
AVB promises O’Connell he won’t be any trouble while she tries to convince him to leave the ring area. Syberus gets tired of waiting and steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan slides into the ring unbeknownst to Syberus and catches him from behind with a dragon suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus gets his shoulder up!
Phillip Blauer: Englishman Syberus’ worried about seating arrangements and it nearly cost him dearly.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan irish whips Syberus into the ropes and takes to the air with a rolling wheel kick!
The fans boo. Syberus gets up and catches Marty’s incoming kick, but Marty counters with an enzuigiri. Marty checks his taped up arm when suddenly the McKale Center begins having scattered cheers, and the fans seem to be distracted by something
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s the Hardkore World Tag Team Champions Kilroy Evans and Tuxedo Mask, The Society of the New Breed!
The audience roars as Kilroy Evans points at a concerned looking Alexander Von Blankenship. Tuxedo Mask is mostly slapping hands of fans and trying to look valiant
Phillip Blauer: What are they doing here? What is with Syberus’ constant need for companionship and validation?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has a squad of his own, and they are not going to let The Anointed steal the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship tonight!
Kelly O’Connell steps through the ropes and goes to the outside, cutting off Kilroy Evans. She tells them they have to go to the back, and they plead their case that they’re here to counteract AVB
Phillip Blauer: Kelly has to demand those guys show her they have a legal right to be here by showing her their wrestling stable license. Every stable has to register for one. Otherwise it’d be chaos, Goldie!
Syberus goes over to the ropes and yells down, insisting Kelly ban The Society of the New Breed from ringside
Marty Donovan: “Get em out of here! (to Kilroy) You get out!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus grabs Marty from behind with a backcracker!
The audience pops as Marty sits up with his back arched in pain. Kelly gives up on trying to kick Kilroy and Tux out and slides back into the ring. Donovan gets up angry and points at Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan charges at him but Syberus catches him with an armdrag.
Marty yelps in pain and tries to shake it out, but he walks right into another arm drag from Syberus. Syberus gets on his back with a half nelson hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: The European Three Quarter Nelson on that injured shoulder! At the XHF show End of Days in Hokkaido, Japan earlier this month; Marty was stabbed in that shoulder by Zoran Sainovic by way of, if you can believe it, a manipulated referee.
Phillip Blauer: This match shouldn’t be happening. Out of spite, Jonnie sent Marty off to bravely represent this company over in Japan and he came back nearly maimed. Or maybe that was the plan all along? Maybe we need a Desert Newshawk Investigation?
Syberus presses down on that taped shoulder and Marty Donovan cries out in agony. Alexander Von Blankenship pounds on the apron trying to get the fans to clap but just gets jeers in return. Marty shakes his head when Kelly asks him if he wants to quit
Phillip Blauer: Look at those guts, look at that determination. He’s brave like that movie about the princess in Scotland.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Brave.
Phillip Blauer: I just said that. Try and have an original observation for once, Drinky. Anyway, back to what I was saying about Braveheart. Why didn’t she just send the effeminate bear she had under her total control to fight the English? They could have had their own country by now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pulls up on his chicken winged arm, but continues to apply pressure to those stitches Marty has in that severely lacerated shoulder Marty.
Syberus gets caught sticking his head in too far and Donovan is able to throw his head nack into Syberus’ face to escape The European Three Quarter Nelson. Marty atomic drops Syberus’ legs so they’re hanging off the ropes and then twirls around into a neckbreaker!! The McKale Center rocks with boos while Syberus’ holds the back of his neck and Marty soothes his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty now back in control. He grabs two handfuls of Syberus’ hair and tosses him over the top rope! He runs into the ropes and flips over the top, hitting Syberus with a somersault senton!!
The jeers and heckling of Marty get louder as he and Syberus lay on the McKale Center floor, trying to recover. Alexander Von Blankenship helps Marty to his feet, and helps him roll back into the ring, while Tuxedo Mask helps up Syberus
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan slingshots himself over the ropes and lands on Syberus’ shoulders, backflipping into a reverse hurricanrana on the floor!!
Marty stands up with his arms in the air
Marty Donovan: “I love Disney Plus!!”
Phillip Blauer: What a battle cry!
The Phoenix fans boo him. Marty pulls Syberus up and rolls him back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty rolls back into the ring, but then Syberus just rolls back out again. Donovan follows after him but Syberus pulls out the ring skirt and traps his legs!
The audience laughs at Marty predicament and Syberus smashes the trapped Disney pitchman with several stiff elbows to the jaw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus scoops Marty up and bodyslams him into a ringside trash can headfirst!!
The crowd pops, and Syberus basement dropkicks the bottom of the metal trash can, sending a ringing clank through the McKale Center
PPhillip Blauer: Nice, real nice.
Syberus rolls Marty back into the ring and then climbs in with him. He drapes Marty’s arm over the rope and then steps out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus drops down to the floor with Marty’s arm over that rope!
Marty cries out in pain and drops to his knees, holding his arm. Syberus rolls back into the ring and applies ude garami
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus continuing to target that arm, pressing down on Marty’s wrist while applying pressure to that injured shoulder.
Marty grunts out refusals to quit to Kelly O’Connell and tries to scoot towards the ropes. Syberus clamps down on his arm even harder, trying to make Marty tap out. Finally Syberus releases the ude garami, and puts his knees on Marty’s stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: A veteran move as Syberus grinding his forearm into Marty’s face, trying to limit his breathing, and sitting on his stomach to not allow any new air. Syberus irish whips Donovan into the ropes but Marty comes back with a flying forearm!
The fans boo and both men lie on the mat exhausted
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan pulls Syberus up to his feet in a front facelock, and then rolls him into a neckbreaker! While Syberus has gone after that arm, Marty is clearly targeting the neck.
Marty Donovan irish whips Syberus into the corner and follows him in a half step behind with a dropkick, getting a collective “OH!” from the Phoenix fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan sweeps Syberus’ legs out from underneath him in the corner. He steps through the ropes out onto the apron, then slingshots himself over the ropes into a basement dropkick to Syberus’ face in the corner!
The McKale Center lets out another “OH!” Syberus crawls out of the corner, while Donovan steps up to the second turnbuckle. He points at Phil Blauer at commentary, then hops off with a panama sunrise flip piledriver
Phillip Blauer: Costa Pacifica Sunrise!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty now switching it into high gear! He inverted facelocks Donovan’s head, chicken wings his arm, and then lifts him up into a Gloria slam!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Marty Donovan pulls him up by the hair and leads him over to the corner, but Syberus blocks it with his boot and then slams Marty’s face into the turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus smashing Donovan’s face into the turnbuckles over and over. He sets Donovan’s throat on the second rope and then runs into the ropes, sitting on Marty’s back and jamming his throat into the ropes!
The fans cheer and Kilroy celebrates at ringside. Marty Donovan stands up clutching his throat and stumbles backwards into a russian leg sweep. Syberus rolls around into a cross armbar
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus rows back on Donovan’s arm, trying to hyperextend his elbow, while also putting those boots right into his injured shoulder.
Alexander Von Blankenship looks on, concerned. Kelly O’Connell asks Marty if he wants to tap out but he shakes his head, refusing. Marty finally is able to roll over close enough to the side of the ring to hook the bottom rope. O’Connell forces Syberus to break
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus swings and misses, and Marty ducks and does a go behind with a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus rolls his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Disney’s Marty Donovan steps through the ropes out on to the apron, then slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope and springboards off, catching Syberus with a tornado DDT!!
Alexander Von Blankenship applauds but is drowned out by the boos of the fans. Marty Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle and flips off into a 450 splash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ode to Romero!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty lifts Syberus up and over for the Better Than Cobryn but Syberus floats over and catches Marty on the way down with a diamond cutter!!
AVB sells it like it happened to him as the crowd comes to life! Kilroy and Tux pound on the mat for Syberus to cover him
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus applies the Butterfly Lock to Marty Donovan’s injured shoulder!! He locks his hands together and cranks back on Donovan’s shoulder and pushes his chin into his chest!
Phillip Blauer: This is what Jonnie wanted. Sending him off to Japan to be stabbed by lunatics and now he’s softened up for his old tag team partner.
Blood starts leaking from under the medical gauze as it appears Marty has burst his stitches in his shoulder. Marty screams in pain and motions for AVB to save him
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship now in the ring to rescue his Anointed partner, but Kilroy Evans cuts him off with The Bad Touch diamond cutter!!
The fans erupt and Alexander Von Blankenship rolls out of the ring. Kelly O’Connell demands Kilroy leave the ringside area, while Tuxedo Mask runs into the ropes and does a no hands sasuke special
Guillermo O’Bannon: Twilight Special on AVB!!
Phillip Blauer: Kelly’s gotta get control over this one, she’s in over her head!
Kelly O’Connell tosses Kilroy and Tux out. They start to leave, but not fast enough so she escorts them down the aisle to the boos of the fans while Marty is still locked in the butterfly lock. Finally Marty starts nodding
Marty Donovan: “Yes! Yes, I give up!! Let me go!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan gave up! He’s giving up but Kelly O’Connell is busy with Kilroy and Tux on the outside!
Phillip Blauer: I’m having some trouble hearing. Must be these old headsets. Can’t anything work here?
Kilroy tries to alert Kelly to what’s happening in the ring, but she is adamant that he and Tux leave. Syberus has exerted alot of energy by now, and Marty is finally able to backdrop his way out of the butterfly lock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus picks up and exhausted Marty and shoots him into the ropes, and then bounces from the side of the ropes. He jumps up to catch him with The Paralyser but Marty ducks!! That was the move Syberus ended the match with in 2006 in Las Vegas but this time Marty was ready for it!
Marty steps to the outside and then springboards into a front missile dropkick that catches Syberus right in the chest!! The boos are at a fever pitch and Marty Donovan signals for The Dis-Knee
Phillip Blauer: This is it! Wait, who is this?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s “High Roller” Wesley Crane from Wrestle UK! He warned Marty to stop using his finisher, the one he calls In The Face, and it looks like he’s here to prevent him from using it here tonight!
The crowd is on their feet as Marty tries to talk his way out of it, promising he wasn’t going to do the Dis-Knee but Wesley doesn’t want to hear it
Phillip Blauer: Where the heck is Kelly to get this guy out of here??
Wesley Crane measures Marty Donovan, hits the ropes, but then turns around and hits the v-trigger on Syberus!!! The audience gasps
Guillermo O’Bannon: What was that?? Why did he do that?
A big smile creeps over Marty Donovan’s face replaces his look of fear, and the boos grow deafening
Guillermo O’Bannon: This was all a trick?
Phillip Blauer: I totally knew that was going to happen. They absolutely clued me in from the beginning, and everything I was saying was the acting I learned from the improv group I’m no longer allowed to attend.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wesley Crane now holding a limp Syberus up by the hair on his knees, and Syberus comes off the ropes with the Dis-Knee v-trigger!!
Fans are throwing debris into the ring while Wesley Crane rolls out of the ring and helps Alexander Von Blankenship to his feet. Kelly O’Connell runs back to the ring
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Phillip Blauer: Yes!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Unbelievable! Just horrible.
“Water” by Kojey Radical, Mahalia, and Swindle plays as Alexander Von Blankenship and Wesley Crane help Marty Donovan to his feet. Water bottles, soda cups, and balled up hot dog foil wrappers rain down from the fans
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes, 56 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
AVB snatches the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Kelly O’Connell and hands it to Marty Donovan, who hoists it in the air with his one good arm
Phillip Blauer: A dream realized for a man used to making other people’s wishes come true. But possibly the greater gift, is the gift of friendship? The friendship of his two best friends at his side.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus had him beat with that butterfly lock, and then this Wesley Crane injects himself into the match and sucker punches the Hardkore World Champion.
Phillip Blauer: Sorry, you mean ex-Hardkore World Champion, and I want to amend my previous statement. That belt is a much greater gift then friendship. What was I thinking?
Alexander Von Blankenship and Wesley Crane egg on the booing fans while Marty continues to hold the Hardkore World Championship up in the air. Kilroy Evans and Tuxedo Mask have come down to collect a woozy Syberus and walk him to the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: It appears The Anointed have gained a new member in “High Roller” Wesley Crane and gained the Hardkore World Championship. Next we go to Hardkore Helloween 2022 where Alexander Von Blankenship has a shot at Hardkore West Coast Champion Lynx, erm, Eron Hunter, whichever.
Phillip Blauer: And don’t forget, I’m lead announcer!
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs) So join us at Hardkore Helloween 2022! Thank you fans, it was a historic night here in Phoenix and we hope to see you next when we make our debut in Boston at Hardkore Helloween 2022.
A teary eyed Marty Donovan has his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship slung over his shoulder while AVB & Wesley Crane hold him up on their shoulders as the picture fades
