Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Oct 14, 2022 19:24:14 GMT -5
*Darkness. The blinding blackness of nothing. Such is the background as Lord Dominicus appears onscreen with nothing behind him except the endless void.*
LD: Competing in WUK…
*He strokes his chin, almost a DominiThink but not quite.*
LD: I know that it isn’t NPW, and yet in a way it still feels like a homecoming of sorts. Though we’re trading Canada for Britain, many of the faces backstage are still the same. And if this is a sort of return to the days of yore then for this Battle of Britain perhaps I should rely on old methods. Yes?
*Now he DominiThinks.*
*Dominicus returns his attention to the camera.*
LD: Yes that’s right, people who I will be helping to eliminate, you’re going to be getting Lord Dominicus just as you remember him! Starting with the most important element! Dick punches!
*There’s a beat that passes so you can let that sink in.*
LD: Battle royales, are dangerous; there’s a mess of bodies all intent on hurting each other! How are you supposed to concentrate when anyone would attack you from behind? How can I do my work when I could be attacked at any moment, hmmmm?
*He waves his finger.*
LD: See that’s where you’re all at walking into this. You can’t trust anyone and you have to keep your head on a swivel. Not me though, no I have good strategies for such things. First off is to disable everyone around me! Since the battle royale is a lawless land I need only to dispatch a series of quick dick punches and SOON THE RING WILL BE MINE!
*We are treated to a hearty and VERY EVIL DominiLaugh.*
LD: And! And! The best part about it this time is that usually dick punches make it harder to throw somebody over the top rope. But Mr. Blood or whatever decided that for Battle of Britain- featuring mostly Americans- that eliminations are by submission or pinfall. I’m great at those! And with my opponents doubled over from dick punches they’ll be easier to lock into moves! DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY EVIL GENIUS!? Besides, nobody expects dick punches.
*He points to his head. Then Lord Dominicus holds up two fingers.*
LD: Strategy number two- and the main reason I’m announcing these before the match: Evil Partnerships! In case some of you are wearing cups or have had your balls surgically removed or something, I still need to worry about getting hit from behind. The best cure for that is to team up with some EVILY LIKE-MINDED individuals already in the match in order to overcome any stragglers who survive their dicks being punched.
*Dominicus considers things for a moment.*
LD: Hmmm, I think the most viable options for making Evil Partnerships this round are probably Primal and Rat Bastard. I just need to remember to wear the underwear Primal gave me. I mean think about it. Primal is a massive beast of destruction, I’d much rather he be working with me than against me for most of the match, right? I’m more than happy to assist his evil while he assists mine. And Rat Bastard? The guy is the first X*Crown Champion! And twenty years later he still going. Plus both of them are evil and not like stupid “evil” but actually just bad that fills WUK’s normal roster.
*He nods at the camera.*
LD: Plus plus I suspect both have a solid understanding of how Evil Partnerships work. For those not in the know what I mean when I say an Evil Partnership is that we, as villains, team up to eliminate all the stupid goody-goodys in our way…also the not evil but super annoying because they think they’re BAD a-holes that fill the ring too- then at the end we stab each other in the back to get the glory for ourselves. Nobody feels bad when they get stabbed in the back from an Evil Partnership because they were planning on stabbing their partner in the back too. A guy like Rat Bastard almost certainly has a good back-stab-to-win ratio so he’ll hold out till the last minute. Primal? Well hopefully he’ll follow my lead and forget about backstabbing while he’s back-hairing other people. I think this is a good strategy. Besides…
*Dominicus gets real close to the camera.*
LD: I always backstab my Evil Partners at the exact right time. If you’d like to see an example just turn back a few shows to see me leave Donzig high and dry to a bunch of guys. It was beautifully evil.
*He looks at the camera.*
LD: I’m smiling now.
*You know, because of the mask. Dominicus holds up three fingers.*
LD: The third part of my strategy?
*Suddenly the whole room lights up, we’re in a trophy room. Behind Lord Dominicus are displayed his accolades. There’s the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship. There’s the NPW North American Cruiserweight Championship. The NPW North American Double Crown Championship. There’s a large black pope-like hat that’s black and trimmed with gold representing LD’s run as the NPW Triple Crown champion. On the wall are also two golden jockstraps representing CAR’s Athletic Cups, three golden Fan Belts, and a gilded children’s drinking apparatus representing CAR’s Sippy Cup.*
LD: GOLD. If you haven’t notice I seemed to attract the stuff. Why, if I didn’t bleed VANTABLACK I’d probably bleed gold just because I’m in contact with it so frequently. I don’t even chase the stuff, it chases me! And, as it just so happens, the Battle of Britain has gold attached to it!
*He nods.*
LD: The winner receives a shot at any piece of WUK gold at the New Year ppv. Now do I want Wrestle: UK gold? Well I certainly won’t complain about getting it. But the real win is to stick it to this company. I mean think about it, I am the symbol of all of WUK’s remaining insecurities. The BIGGEST AND MOST IMPORTANT element of NPW now resides in CAR while the dregs try to grind it out. So by winning their ultra-important title shot and cashing it in for the WUK World Championship it sticks it to all those suckers who act like they own the place with me out of the way.
*A brief pause while he catches his breath.*
LD: People like….Donzig and the Bastards. Guys who think they’re all that and a bag of chips but were constantly having trouble staying afloat in NPW. Heck, most of the Bastards are scared of even leaving the comfort of their small pond to venture into the XHF because of “persecution”-
*Air quotes.*
LD: -Which is code for them losing a lot when they aren’t handed easy wins on a platter. Oh man I hate when I get “persecuted”-
*Air quotes again*
LD: -By having to perform in fair matches. But that’s not even all the garbage Wrestle: UK is hiding! I saw they have the Dark Stars and Novas! For real is anyone checking their visa status? I’ve been trying to get this one figured out for years now! They’re illegal aliens from the future! How do you even get approval to compete when your point of origin doesn’t have a passport! Why is nobody following up on this!? So this company is basically harboring criminals! I’ll straighten all that out if- no WHEN I lay my hands on their precious Wrestle: United Kingdom World Championship and rebuild this MISERABLE MATCH-HOUSE into the form of my ETERNALLY EVIL GLORY!
*He points at the camera defiantly.*
LD: So there! Suck it WUK!
*Lord Dominicus starts to walk off, then backwards walks back.*
LD: Oh, except Eron Hunter. He’s cool. He’s a good sort-of-henchman. But the rest of you can suck it!
*Domincius DominiWaves the v-sign at the camera, yeah that’s right, he just flipped off WUK in its natural language. We fade on all of Dominicus’ glory gleaming on his wall.*
LD: Competing in WUK…
*He strokes his chin, almost a DominiThink but not quite.*
LD: I know that it isn’t NPW, and yet in a way it still feels like a homecoming of sorts. Though we’re trading Canada for Britain, many of the faces backstage are still the same. And if this is a sort of return to the days of yore then for this Battle of Britain perhaps I should rely on old methods. Yes?
*Now he DominiThinks.*
*Dominicus returns his attention to the camera.*
LD: Yes that’s right, people who I will be helping to eliminate, you’re going to be getting Lord Dominicus just as you remember him! Starting with the most important element! Dick punches!
*There’s a beat that passes so you can let that sink in.*
LD: Battle royales, are dangerous; there’s a mess of bodies all intent on hurting each other! How are you supposed to concentrate when anyone would attack you from behind? How can I do my work when I could be attacked at any moment, hmmmm?
*He waves his finger.*
LD: See that’s where you’re all at walking into this. You can’t trust anyone and you have to keep your head on a swivel. Not me though, no I have good strategies for such things. First off is to disable everyone around me! Since the battle royale is a lawless land I need only to dispatch a series of quick dick punches and SOON THE RING WILL BE MINE!
*We are treated to a hearty and VERY EVIL DominiLaugh.*
LD: And! And! The best part about it this time is that usually dick punches make it harder to throw somebody over the top rope. But Mr. Blood or whatever decided that for Battle of Britain- featuring mostly Americans- that eliminations are by submission or pinfall. I’m great at those! And with my opponents doubled over from dick punches they’ll be easier to lock into moves! DO YOU UNDERSTAND MY EVIL GENIUS!? Besides, nobody expects dick punches.
*He points to his head. Then Lord Dominicus holds up two fingers.*
LD: Strategy number two- and the main reason I’m announcing these before the match: Evil Partnerships! In case some of you are wearing cups or have had your balls surgically removed or something, I still need to worry about getting hit from behind. The best cure for that is to team up with some EVILY LIKE-MINDED individuals already in the match in order to overcome any stragglers who survive their dicks being punched.
*Dominicus considers things for a moment.*
LD: Hmmm, I think the most viable options for making Evil Partnerships this round are probably Primal and Rat Bastard. I just need to remember to wear the underwear Primal gave me. I mean think about it. Primal is a massive beast of destruction, I’d much rather he be working with me than against me for most of the match, right? I’m more than happy to assist his evil while he assists mine. And Rat Bastard? The guy is the first X*Crown Champion! And twenty years later he still going. Plus both of them are evil and not like stupid “evil” but actually just bad that fills WUK’s normal roster.
*He nods at the camera.*
LD: Plus plus I suspect both have a solid understanding of how Evil Partnerships work. For those not in the know what I mean when I say an Evil Partnership is that we, as villains, team up to eliminate all the stupid goody-goodys in our way…also the not evil but super annoying because they think they’re BAD a-holes that fill the ring too- then at the end we stab each other in the back to get the glory for ourselves. Nobody feels bad when they get stabbed in the back from an Evil Partnership because they were planning on stabbing their partner in the back too. A guy like Rat Bastard almost certainly has a good back-stab-to-win ratio so he’ll hold out till the last minute. Primal? Well hopefully he’ll follow my lead and forget about backstabbing while he’s back-hairing other people. I think this is a good strategy. Besides…
*Dominicus gets real close to the camera.*
LD: I always backstab my Evil Partners at the exact right time. If you’d like to see an example just turn back a few shows to see me leave Donzig high and dry to a bunch of guys. It was beautifully evil.
*He looks at the camera.*
LD: I’m smiling now.
*You know, because of the mask. Dominicus holds up three fingers.*
LD: The third part of my strategy?
*Suddenly the whole room lights up, we’re in a trophy room. Behind Lord Dominicus are displayed his accolades. There’s the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship. There’s the NPW North American Cruiserweight Championship. The NPW North American Double Crown Championship. There’s a large black pope-like hat that’s black and trimmed with gold representing LD’s run as the NPW Triple Crown champion. On the wall are also two golden jockstraps representing CAR’s Athletic Cups, three golden Fan Belts, and a gilded children’s drinking apparatus representing CAR’s Sippy Cup.*
LD: GOLD. If you haven’t notice I seemed to attract the stuff. Why, if I didn’t bleed VANTABLACK I’d probably bleed gold just because I’m in contact with it so frequently. I don’t even chase the stuff, it chases me! And, as it just so happens, the Battle of Britain has gold attached to it!
*He nods.*
LD: The winner receives a shot at any piece of WUK gold at the New Year ppv. Now do I want Wrestle: UK gold? Well I certainly won’t complain about getting it. But the real win is to stick it to this company. I mean think about it, I am the symbol of all of WUK’s remaining insecurities. The BIGGEST AND MOST IMPORTANT element of NPW now resides in CAR while the dregs try to grind it out. So by winning their ultra-important title shot and cashing it in for the WUK World Championship it sticks it to all those suckers who act like they own the place with me out of the way.
*A brief pause while he catches his breath.*
LD: People like….Donzig and the Bastards. Guys who think they’re all that and a bag of chips but were constantly having trouble staying afloat in NPW. Heck, most of the Bastards are scared of even leaving the comfort of their small pond to venture into the XHF because of “persecution”-
*Air quotes.*
LD: -Which is code for them losing a lot when they aren’t handed easy wins on a platter. Oh man I hate when I get “persecuted”-
*Air quotes again*
LD: -By having to perform in fair matches. But that’s not even all the garbage Wrestle: UK is hiding! I saw they have the Dark Stars and Novas! For real is anyone checking their visa status? I’ve been trying to get this one figured out for years now! They’re illegal aliens from the future! How do you even get approval to compete when your point of origin doesn’t have a passport! Why is nobody following up on this!? So this company is basically harboring criminals! I’ll straighten all that out if- no WHEN I lay my hands on their precious Wrestle: United Kingdom World Championship and rebuild this MISERABLE MATCH-HOUSE into the form of my ETERNALLY EVIL GLORY!
*He points at the camera defiantly.*
LD: So there! Suck it WUK!
*Lord Dominicus starts to walk off, then backwards walks back.*
LD: Oh, except Eron Hunter. He’s cool. He’s a good sort-of-henchman. But the rest of you can suck it!
*Domincius DominiWaves the v-sign at the camera, yeah that’s right, he just flipped off WUK in its natural language. We fade on all of Dominicus’ glory gleaming on his wall.*
