CAR Presents: End of Days Forces of Nature Week 4 - FIRE
Oct 23, 2022 16:52:56 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 6 more like this
Post by Dave D-Flipz on Oct 23, 2022 16:52:56 GMT -5
CAR, in association with The XHF Network, Proudly Presents: END OF DAYS WEEK 4: FORCES OF NATURE - FIRE!
Date: October 23, 2021
Hawaii Polo Grounds, Waialua, Oahu, Hawaii
Attendance: 1500
To fit the theme of fire, Grandma Mary and the ENTIRE CAR COMMITTEE have pulled out all the stops to make this the HOTTEST show in the XHF calendar year! We go to Oahu in Hawaii to sun ourselves on the hot beach. Two finals matches to determine who gets to challenge for the titles at the EOD PPV Proper and a thrilling Athletic (Cup) Cup race that's sure to be a real ... BLAST!
Theme Song: "Chariots of Fire (theme)" by Boston Pops
The opening to the Chariots of Fire theme by the Boston Pops begins to play as the camera opens up on an idyllic ocean view. Waves lap at the sand and people casually chat to each other as they stroll along the beach. A thermometer shows 85 degrees and the sun is just setting on the horizon. The light is dimming and red as the camera drone flies into the sky to show off the giant volcano overlooking the polo grounds where the show is taking place. A makeshift stage has been set up to the left side of the beach (if facing the ocean). There is minimal lighting, some pyro tubes and firework stanchions, and the Xtremetron perched over the sand. In the middle of the polo ground, about fifty feet from the ocean is a ring, to the right of that is the announce table, and on the near side toward the drone is the makeshift stands where 1500 raucous CAR-nies cheer and hold up signs supporting their fallen hero Brittney and denigrating the XHF Devil himself. Of note is the oddly large number of pro-Dylan signs. A good portion of the crowd is also holding up signs split evenly for the two tag teams, and of course a bunch have “END OF BANG!” signs. Joey waves to the drone as the song begins to finish and CAR’s matriarch, Grandma Mary herself, strolls to the announcer’s table and sits down. She taps some papers on the desk and waves to the camera as it flies in close.
Grandma Mary: E COMO MAI! From all of us at CAR, and the larger XHF Network, we welcome you to the BEST End of Days Tournament this year.
Hawke: It’s the ONLY End of Days Tournament this year, thank Mongo for that.
Grandma Mary: And what a show it will be!! We’ve got a fiery show tonight. Cannons firing, Flame on match, and someone becoming a giant freedom fry.
Hawke: That’s a french fry, right?
Grandma Mary: Not anymore! This is still ‘Merica, FREEDOM fry. I’ll be your co-host as your normal co-host, Randy is otherwise engaged.
We cut to the tiki bar set up behind the fan stands. There we find that Randy Angel is AT the tiki bar, drunk as a skunk and trying to ride a horse ... that is actually “Monopoly” Kris “Triple” Quake. It is not going well and the former GUNS tag and JROK Super Duos champs fall into the sand. They continue to try this as the fans around them pelt them with peanuts and edamame. Of note, the tiki bar is refusing to sell Super Sake as a response to the team it represents being firmly GUNS superstars in their eyes.
Hawke: Huh. Ok so he’s benched for the night. I’m sure Mongo won’t mind having paid for him to be flown out here just to not use him…
Grandma Mary: CAR needed more room at the announcing booth. He could have been loaded up on a boat but he said he gets seasick.
The black and white tiger striped Punch Buggy pulls up screaming alongside the table with Brittney Beahr and Abby Beahr inside. The windows are down and girls are surrounded with popcorn and candy.
Grandma Mary: My granddaughters are looking forward to watching the show tonight and offering moral support to the losers. Except Zoran, who will know what it is like to want to win and … be denied the chance.
She presses a button on the table and a sign on the roof of the bug lights up.
Zoran has poorer hygiene than the Bronies at the last convention.
Hawke: What a link you are making.
Grandma Mary: But first! We are starting away from the main arena tonight. We have the Forest Force out in boats to catch the CAR crew members FIRED from crew made cannons.
Hawke: Catch? Or retrieve? Both sound deadly to me… I thought nobody got hurt at CAR?
Grandma Mary: Correct! No one will be injured at this CAR show tonight, unless they ask for it. The water will gently soften their landing and the Forest Force will pull them out of the drink. My son is standing by the cannon fodder, I mean firing loading spot.
The screen is split between the Forest Force bouncing on the water and Uncle standing on a dark ledge.
Uncle: That’s right. I’m here. On a volcano. Standing in its dark shadow.
CAR ATHLETIC CUP RACE
CANNON FIRE Race
Bad to the Bone vs. Angry Mad Chemists vs. Mother. the Car vs. Esoteric Order of Driving vs. Reedy Creek Racing
Uncle: Tonight we will have each of the five crews take turns launching one crew member. We will record the distance and the largest distance will win. Due to space constraints of this volcano only two crews can fire per session. The wrestling matches will occur between sessions with the winner of the coveted Athletic Cup announced at the end of the last session.
George Lucas, dressed as a viking with an eye patch, mutters under his breath while pushing the cannon forwards. The giant piece of artillery is currently facing upwards since it is a screen accurate recreation of the tower from Tangled. Marty Donovan and Olivia Oldham, dressed as Flynn and Rapunzel, wave to a nonexistent crowd as the cannon travels up the volcano.
Uncle: First up! We have Reedy Creek Racing.
Uncle turns towards the arriving cannon. Once the designated spot is reached the tower rotates back 90 degrees, revealing the bottom is the open end of the cannon.
Uncle: Whenever you’re ready, go ahead and fire.
Ollie puts on a helmet designed to look like Rapunzel's tiara before climbing inside. Marty waits for the cue, the floating lanterns to appear on the horizon, then fires the cannon.
Uncle: Wow! Look at that height! Aaand…. she safely lands in the soft waves below. The Forest Force is zooming over there to pluck her out of the water.
The Dominicruiser rolls up to the edge of the volcano. Attached to the front of it is a very large cannon.
Uncle: Here is our second canon of the night, Bad to the Bone Racing!
Big Bone: This doesn’t seem like a good idea.
Dinosaur Bones: HOW IS ATTACHING A GIANT CANNON TO OUR CAR NOT A GOOD IDEA?
Big Bone: I don’t know, but it just seems like we’re asking for trouble by involving the car in this.
Lord Dominicus: Look, it’s called CAR for a reason, if there’s no CAR why are we even competing?
Dinosaur Bones: DIDN’T YOU ENTER CAR IN A BIKE RACE?
Lord Dominicus: … …
The firing apparatus is a giant cannon on two wheels that has been affixed to the DominiCruiser’s front-end for easier transport. We're not here to describe long hard shafts for you. With a dramatic thumbs up pose, Lord Dominicus climbs up the shaft of the cannon from the hood of the DominiCruiser. His amazing athleticism is comparable to some sort of spider monkey. Dominicus DominiSlides into the mouth of the cannon.
Uncle: Whenever you’re ready, go ahead and fi-
BOOM! With the pull of a string the leader of the Bad to the Bone Racing team is fired ocean-side. As the smoke clears the team waits to hear the splash of him hitting the water. However, the sound of the sea is far too strong to get a very good gauge on when he hits.
Dinosaur Bones: I SURE HOPE HE DIDN’T DIE FROM THAT.
Big Bone: Sí.
Uncle: This is CAR, no one dies in our shows. He got some good air and landed softly in the water. The Forest Force is closing in on his location now. We’ll get him fished out in no time. And back to you, mother.
Panning in over a new tiki hut announce table that’s further away from the ring than the rest of the show has shown so far. For good reason too, as the torches for the upcoming Flame On match are being placed on each corner, and the knotted rope is hanging from an X structure that has the torch directly in the center of the structures cross way, or the middle of the X to be clear. The Flame On structure was built with a foundation of four pillars. Connecting them at their peak was a yard wide platform that forms an ‘X. Hologram letters ‘H’ and ‘F’ are beamed down from a helicopter flying high above. Each of the four pillars are cylinder shape and engulfed in fire. All of the Hawaiian island fire departments were in attendance.
Grandma Mary: You’re doing great, Deer! Keep up the good work!
Grandma Mary takes a big gulp out of a coconut drink with one of the pink paper umbrellas.
Uncle: Yes, it’s amazing how much smoother things go when I’m in charge of logistics.
Grandma Mary: Oh, Sweet Bunny, you are always in charge of logistics. You know I hate those details. Now, switch out the teams and be sure to help the current teams down first before starting with the new ones.
Hawke: It’s time for the tag team annihilator finals. Let’s look at the bracket to see how we got here.
A large bracket is displayed for those in the audience.
Hawke: The BANG! Hermanos got here by defeating Tilted Cartridges and Oblivion Death Squad from the side of the bracket also containing Black Knife Cabal. And Awesome Bastards fought through Straight Edge Society and Chaos Theory, from the side that also contained the Twins.
Grandma Mary: Right! Our first CAR friendly wrestling match of the evening! It’s a very safe and simplistic set up. We have a torch that needs to be lighted. The winner from here will face Top of the Class next week.
Hawke: Tonight has been wild so far and now we’re introducing fire to it.
Grandma Mary: That’s why I requested this secluded booth to be a little further away from the action.
Hawke: A smart move.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is the TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR FINALS MATCH! Scheduled for sixty minutes, this match will be sanctioned under the ‘Flame On’ rules. First team to climb the knotted rope hanging over the ring and light the unlit torch above, wins!
Grandma Mary: I was hesitant to let Bonnie be the ring announcer but she really does a professional job and I heard she really wanted to join us in Hawaii.
Hawke: Yeah, Bonnie gets what Bonnie wants…Most of the time.
Grandma Mary: A girl after my own heart. As is this set up!
Hawke: That’s about a thirty foot climb to the top of that platform. Hope they aren’t afraid of heights.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introduce first! Weighing in tonight at a combined weight of 525 pounds! Members and representing their home fed of REIGN! They are, THE AWESOME BASTARDS - Steve Awesome and Rat Bastard!
The intro riff of “Flying High Again” by Ozzy tips through the speakers.
“Oh No. Here We Go Now”
Rat Bastard and Steve Awesome come strutting out into the stage. Rat has a beer in his hand and is trash talking the crowd on his side. Steve is crotch chopping and showing off his abs to taunt the hawaiian crowd members, and receives pineapple chunks thrown at him.
“Momma's gonna worry
I been a bad bad boy
No use sayin' sorry
It's something that I enjoy”
Rat insults a fan and threatens to slap them before gulping some beer and getting into the ring. Steve flirts with some guy's thirsty wife then laughs in the dude's face before sliding into the ring.
If you could be inside my head
You'd see that black and white is red
Flying high again
Flying high again
Both men hit their entrance poses in the ring as pyro spray from the turnbuckle. Steve provocatively strips down to his ring gear and Rat chugs the rest of his beer. The Awesome Bastards wait for their opponents, scoping out the lit torches at each ring post and the knot hanging just a few feet off the canvas.
Grandma Mary: The Awesome Bastards are no strangers to the odd gimmicks this network has in the closet.
Hawke: Nor are we. That and their entanglement to have gold again, makes these two a dangerous duo. An unique pairing that has, somehow, made it this far in the Annihilator tournament.
Grandma Mary: Can there be any better opponents for them than BANG though?
Hawke: That’s BANG! Hermanos, as I have been told to make absolutely clear each time we say the trademarked and copyrighted BANG! brand.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing the opponents! Weighing in tonight at a combined weight of 490 pounds! They are the last and final FIRESIDE Tag Team Champions! Two members of this years Call to Arms winners! I give you, BANG! HERMANOS – Curtis Kanyon and El Combatiente!
DJ Marshmello crafted a mashup of The Game’s “One Blood” and Metallica's "Don't Tread on Me" plays over the outdoor speakers hanging in palm trees here in Hawaii.
Curtis Kanyon and El Combatiente emerge from the entryway wearing their Fireside tag team titles. Curtis also has a sledgehammer over one shoulder.
El Combatiente's manager Javier follows shortly behind them. They look around, soaking up their surroundings, the beach breeze and the waves crashing not far off. Curtis hoists his hammer into the air, expecting an ovation - but is met with Aloha music as dancers take the carpet, making two rows in the form of an aisle. El Combatiente breaks into a full sprint for the ring and runs right down the center of the dancers, some juggling fire as Curtis Kanyon walks up and waits for the juggler to stop and hold out a torch. With no hesitation, Kanyon spits through the torch and sends fire into the air like a dragon. A proud chest bump with Jaguar and the two walk to ringside with little interaction but a head nod. El Combatiente stretches in the ring preparing for the match to begin as Curtis climbs a turnbuckle and points to the torch with his hammer, then hoists it straight up into the air and yells "BANG!"
Hawke: Are we ready for this fiasco?
Grandma Mary: I know I am. Did you see the size of that man’s hammer?
Hawke: Let’s get to it!
Ding! Ding! Ding!
The two teams are no strangers to one another with all four competitors being long standing XHF members throughout the years. Rat Bastard and Steve Awesome attack Curtis Kanyon in unison, sending the former President to a corner. El Combatiente spins Steve around and lands a heavy chop to the chest, before whipping him into the ropes. Rat Bastard receives a knee from Kanyon followed by a headbutt that staggers the big man. El Combatiente uses the knotted rope in the center of the ring, swinging drop kick! It sends Steve Awesome out of the ring, and El Combatiente swings backwards using his feet to gain momentum.
Hawke: What a Tarzan-esque maneuver.
Grandma Mary: We got a swinger, folks. I hope they know they can’t get to the fire that way.
Hawke: Well, you need to soften up your enemies first.
Rat Bastard grabs the boot of El Combatiente, slapping his chest and throat area with precision! Rat grabs both legs and like a fly swatter, he launches El Combatiente at Curtis Kanyon! A cross body attack by the hand of the Awesome Bastards resident CEO of Bastard’s R Us, LLC. Rat quickly picks up El Combatiente and sends him hurling through the ropes towards his partner. Steve has recovered from the Tarzan dropkick and guillotines El Combatiente on the guard rail!
Grandma Mary: Wow. That is violent.
Hawke: Well Rat Bastard isn’t known for being a gentle hand.
Grandma Mary: CAR would like to reassure the audience that all participants have signed a form noting that they are asking for this physical torture. We made sure they literally asked for it.
Rat Bastard goes for Curtis Kanyon and is back dropped for his efforts! Curtis takes to the ropes, running back and forth as he aims up his attack. As Rat reaches his feet Kanyon hits a BANG!
Hawke: Dodged!
Curtis Kanyon is slung into the turnbuckle and the torch above is shaken free, falling to the floor near the ring apron. Rat Bastard side stepped the move and used his momentum against him, pulling Kanyon by his waist before Rat hit a back body-drop on one half of the Last FIRESIDE Tag Team Champions in the center of the ring! Air is swept across the crowd from Kanyon’s landing. Ringside, Steve Awesome has El Combatiente in an abdominal stretch and is attempting to push El Combatiente’s mask into the flames!
Grandma Mary: Those pillars burst flame every three seconds, or so I was told by the ring crew setting this bad boy up.
Hawke: You sound impressed?
Grandma Mary: I wasn’t expecting this but the Forest Force always improve and keep impressing me. They leave no creation half-done. Even when my expectations are so high, they find a way.
Hawke: This is one-of-a-kind in many ways. Some hope it stays an End of Days only stipulation, and I can see why.
Rat Bastard drops a legdrop across the chest of Kanyon and misses! Rolling out of the ring, Kanyon staggers towards his partner and nods as El Combatiente hooks the ankles of Awesome and launches him towards Kanyon! Hook, line, and sinker, the former President goes fishing as he catches Steve Awesome on his shoulders and delivers a death valley driver on the sand!
Hawke: Do you see smoke?
Grandma Mary: I do! The far side of the ring.A torch has fallen off the post and the skirting caught fire!
Hawke: XHF ring crew are on their wa—
Suddenly two furry gentlemen ringside remove their bear heads for firefighter helmets stored under their chairs. Grabbing a fire extinguisher sitting conveniently behind the barricade. BANG! Hermanos step back as the gentlemen hop the barricade and assist with extinguishing the fire. Curtis glances back once, looking at the hulking hairy fellow, before assisting his partner with Rat Bastard. The other half of Awesome Bastards was wailing forearms like he owed him money. El Combatiente is plunged onto the hard ground by a Rat Breaker.
Grandma Mary: Oh my! The Rat Breaker will take anyone off track.
Hawke: Curtis Kanyon seemed distracted by the firefighters ringside. Maybe he knows one?
Grandma Mary: This island had a fire department and they offered to work here tonight. We’re grateful to have them, turns out they are part of the larger furry community.
Hawke: Ringside, Bastard and Kanyon are now slugging it out back towards the ring!
Kanyon kicks the knee of Rat and hooks him for a belly-to-back suplex on the ring apron! Rat hits his back awkwardly and slumps down, but Kanyon stops him and pushes Rat into the ring. Climbing the apron, Kanyon takes note of a fan ringside who winks at him - another firefighter. The former President blushes as he enters the ring and is headbutted by Rat Bastard! A kick in the gut and Rat lifts Curtis Kanyon up over his head, arms held at the elbow joints as he makes Kanyon a proverbial cross before running and flinging him over the top rope at his partner El Combatente who just recovered to his feet!
Hawke: Incoming!
Grandma Mary: Not over here, I assure you we’re safe.
Hawke: Habit. I’m so used to being in harm's way around Randy.
El Combatiente and Kanyon lay on the outside ring area as Rat Bastard glances at the knotted rope and debates climbing. As the Hawaiian firefighters take their seat ringside after putting out the fire of the one torch that set the ring skirt ablaze; Rat goes to retrieve another torch from a post and sees Steve Awesome climbing to his feet outside the ring.
Grandma Mary: CAR takes safety very seriously.
Steve rolls into the ring and with a few words exchanged, Rat seems to have come up with a plan as Awesome begins to ascend the knotted rope. Rat holds the torch and hands it up to Steve, who finds climbing the knotted rope with the torch a challenge. DROPKICK! El Combatiente springboards off the top rope and drop kicks Awesome off the knotted rope! The torch is sent flying to the outside ring area as Awesome lands on the canvas. Rat turns around and grabs El Combatiente by the neck, looking for a choke slam but is met with a kick to his knee. A step up off the bent knee and El Combatiente hits an enziguri on Rat!
Hawke: EC just saved the match for his team with that spectacular series of moves.
Grandma Mary: Right! They are really pushing each other out there.
BANG! Hermanos put the boots to Rat Bastard. From the top rope leaps Steve Awesome, hitting a flying elbow to the back of Kanyon! President BANG! Goes rolling out of the ring. Steve does a nip-up, flaunting his abs and slow motion brushing his hair out of his face. El Combatiente with a roundhouse kick! Awesome does a matrix like back arc to avoid! Kanyon grabs Awesome’s hair and slams him to the mat! El Combatiente runs up the turnbuckles and backflip double stomps Awesome’s chest!
Grandma Mary: Ah, yes. The dangers of long hair.
Hawke: And the dangers of that epic moon stomp from Combatiente.
Grandma Mary: Moon stomp, does it only work at night?
The crowd chanting “BANG!“ as the Hermanos flavored team of Kanyon and El Combatiente have found the upper hand. Kanyon takes Rat from the canvas and sets him up for a back body drop. Waiting for his partner, El Combatiente ascends the turnbuckles. Once to the top rope Kanyon lifts Rat over his head and holds Rat horizontally as El Combatiente comes off the top rope with a knee drop! It turns Rat Bastard inside out as he flips and pancakes the canvas face first! El Combatiente rolls through like it was second nature, and the BANG! members high five as they look up. The task at hand. Lighting the torch was going to be a task. The flames ringside were bursting more consistently from the structure's pillars.
Hawke: Our fans are sure getting a hot show tonight!
Grandma Mary: Well, they are topless.
Hawke: That’s. That’s not what I meant.
Grandma Mary: Isn’t it though, isn’t it.
El Combatiente snaps his fingers and without knowing if he spoke, we see Kanyon nod to him before they roll out of the ring in unison. Tearing off the skirting that remained unburned after the fire from earlier and around the closest right side; El Combatiente begins to make a second knotted rope. Kanyon sees Awesome and without hesitation grabs a nearby ring chair from the time keeper. Running at full speed, Kanyon swings at the unaware turning Steve!
CRAAAAAACK!
Steve drops like a sack of potatoes on an Irish farmer's kitchen floor. The crowd is taken back by the loud thwack and almost pauses at the sheer sound of the collision. Wrapping the ring skirt makeshift knotted rope, El Combatiente ascends the original rope back in the ring. Kanyon is guarding the ring, as he watches for Rat Bastard who is slowly pulling himself up in the corner. Kanyon goes in for an elbow strike, receiving one in return as the possum bait works for Rat Bastard! An uppercut and a haymaker send Kanyon stumbling backwards, still standing but off balance.
Hawke: I didn’t know a rat could play possum.
Grandma Mary: Isn’t the animal world magnificent.
Hawke: I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed by all the bears right now.
Grandma Mary: yes, it’s great to see so many of Brittney’s friends.
Kanyon with a BANG! And Rat hits the canvas. the torch nearly to the top when we see out of nowhere Awesome smashes Kanyon in the back with a chair! Lifting him up and impact DDT’ing him into the chair for good measure! Rat Bastard is down but Awesome lifts a fire extinguisher up from the ring and sprays it straight up at El Combatiente and the torch he was about to use to win the match! El Combatiente is protected by the mask but can’t see and grabs onto the frame of the structure to keep himself from falling.
Grandma Mary: Don’t fall, don’t fall. My insurance premium. Don’t fall.
Hawke: Are you all right, Ms. Mary. This stuff happens all the time at XHF.
Grandma Mary: I knew I should have budgeted in our CAR doctor.
Hawke: Isn’t she a vet?
Awesome ascends the knotted rope with his own torch. A natural to the rope climb, Awesome ascends quickly and is able to reach the platform with El Combatiente. Lifting the torch up does Awesome, aiming to light the unlit torch high above the ring. El Combatiente leaps up and tackles Steve to the platform and the torch he was holding rolls beyond them both. It’s Rat Bastard who climbs the rope next when we see the appearance of —-
[The Godfather of Hardcore, PRICE]
[God of Extreme, Spike Kane]
Spike Kane & PRICE coming out THROUGH the crowd. Carrying a ladder, the two set it up near the ringside to the platform above. It stands nearly thirty feet tall!
Hawke: Oh no! Here comes Chaos Theory. Spike Kane and PRICE!
Grandma Mary: Lugging hardware, or an alternative method of reaching the platform.
Rat Bastard has joined the others on top of the structure as Spike Kane and PRICE make their way up via the ladder. Coming to the far point of the X, they climb up and make their way down to the action. The camera catches a look from the crowd view and sees the X structure and the five men on top. Rat makes his way to El Combatiente and is kicked in the head when he goes for the torch. Combatiente with three knee kicks and a knee to the face sends Rat to the platform on his back. Rat clutches the sides in fear, showing dread in his face at the prospect of falling. PRICE comes up behind Steve Awesome and grabs him by the neck and smashes him with a forearm to the head! Spike slides around the two and has a running start to hit a shining wizard on Rat Bastard as he sits up!
Hawke: These two are ruining a perfectly good match. Why can’t they go back to being friends?
Grandma Mary:Wait. They were friends?
Kanyon has found his way to the top and the Awesome Bastards don’t look like they have any hope here. Rat is being beat up by Spike Kane and El Combatiente. Steve is just able to get past PRICE who seems to not be bothered at the moment and turns his attention to Spike who seems to have words for Awesome. Kanyon steps in and stops them, as PRICE swings on Rat Bastard who rises behind Steve! Rat ducks and in one fell swoop hits Kanyon, Spike and Awesome sending all of them off the platform with a charging tackle!
Hawke: OH MY GOD!
Grandma Mary: What was he thinking?!
Hawke: Self defense?
Grandma Mary: Four men just tumbled off that platform. That’s not self defense. That’s self OFFENSE.
Hawke: And what would you call having your car punch your granddaughter’s opponent?
Kanyon, Spike, and Awesome lay motionless on the canvas. Rat Bastard landed on all three of them and rolled off to lay on the apron. Leg hanging off the side as his face is split by the bottom rope, Rat’s eyes are as big as an Owl's. The fear of heights was just put to the test and he had survived. A risk that may have saved the match.
Up above back on the platform, El Combatiente and PRICE are stepping backwards from the edge after taking a look at the car wreck that unfolded. Backing up into one another, both men turn around, swinging fists and hit each other! El Combatiente staggers backwards and is balancing himself on the edge as his arms revolve in short circles. PRICE keeps his footing and goes for a kick to the stomach to send EC off — he grabs on! El Combatiente grabs the boot of PRICE and pulls himself up, kneeing PRICE in the gut before hooking his arm over his shoulder. SPANISH FLY!
Hawke: El Combatiente with a sacrificial Spanish fly to PRICE off the Flame On structure!
Grandma Mary: Nobody is moving!
Hawke: It’s total mayhem here in Hawaii for End of Days! If you’re just tuning in, this is what has gone down.
Grandma Mary: BANG! Hermanos seems to have help from their supposed friends.
Hawke: Rat Bastard took out nearly everyone including himself.
Grandma Mary: Then El Combatiente hit PRICE with a Spanish fly off the top, a twenty-two foot drop onto the soft mat below.
Hawke: Ah… Right… Soft…
Grandma Mary: Not one person is walking out of this the same. Mentally. Physically, I’m sure they’re fine.
Their fall was broken by Steve Awesome, Spike, Kanyon, and Rat Bastard who all had gotten up just as they plummeted from the top. Awesome Bastards, BANG! Hermanos, Spike and PRICE are all down. It’s Curtis Kanyon who rolls out of the ring first. Something drives the President to crawl towards the ladder. Rat Bastard is next. Following Kanyon who has started up one side of the ladder. Rat takes to the other. El Combatiente is at the knotted rope in the ring, looking around for the last torch. He retrieves it with exhaustion but makes his way up the knotted rope shortly after. Steve Awesome gets up soon after, holding his back in agony. It’s Spike who he runs into first. The two shove one another to the point that Steve goes for a slap and Spike grabs his wrist and stares him dead. Steve breaks the hold with a chop and brushes off Spike as he follows El Combatiente up the knotted rope.
Rat Bastard is up top and snags the torch that was dropped earlier. Curtis Kanyon goes for the handle and Rat smashes him with a headbutt! A second headbutt and a midsection kick that drops Kanyon to his hands and knees. Rat steps over Kanyon to head off El Combatiente who has reached the top. Steve Awesome is seen a few feet below the platform on the rope. El Combatiente uses his torch and lights the knotted rope on fire! Steve has no choice but to descend or be burned!
Grandma Mary: That was not in the original match plan.
Hawke: These things rarely are.
Grandma Mary: Now the only way up is the illegally obtained ladder.
Hawke: Creativity wins matches, Ms. Mary.
Kanyon grabs Rat Bastard and spins the arm with the torch around before trying to wrestle it free. Rat uppercuts Kanyon and spins him around. Rat goes to shove the torch in Kanyon’s ass and El Combatiente is there to grab the forearm just before it touches his partner.
FWHOOOOSH!
The torch is lit above the ring! As a loud fart from the President continues to putter on, on top of the FLAME On structure.
Grandma Mary: Did he just-
Hawke: Yes. The Freedom Fart has lit the torch.
Grandma Mary: That’s just. So. So unsanitary.
Bonnie Jenkins: Winners of the Tag Team Annihilator tournament of End of Days — BANG! Hermanos — Curtis Kanyon and El Combatiente!
Following the match we see Spike and PRICE begin to shove Steve Awesome. Spike and Steve go nose to nose as PRICE balls his fist beside them. Steve headbuttes Spike and elbow smashes PRICE in the jaw! The three begin slugging it out as BANG! Hermanos descend the ladder from the platform above. The camera pulls up and back to the announcers as the flames from the Flame On structures pillars are constantly at burst. XHF ring crew and producers seem to appear from nowhere to usher the wrestlers to exit immediately.
Grandma Mary: What a show, folks! That was… a lot more flammable than originally envisioned but it seemed to really fit the XHF feel.
Hawke: Is it time to kick it back to your son?
Grandma Mary: Yes! Honey Bee, you there?
CAR ATHLETIC CUP RACE
CANNON FIRE Race
Bad to the Bone vs. Angry Mad Chemists vs. Mother. the Car vs. Esoteric Order of Driving vs. Reedy Creek Racing
Uncle: Yes. Still standing in the dark but this time I am joined by a CAR friend Armbishi, with the Esoteric Order of Driving.
Armbishi stands on the volcanic ledge, looking up and to the right (which as we all know is the direction of destiny). Cradled in one arm is a volleyball.
These are the un-UwU-est of times. The EOD cannot find its way back to victory, strife consumes the world, Disney just delayed a bunch of Marvel movies, and the increases in the cost of living is making condoms more and more expensive but I'm too responsible to raw dog it. In the face of such darkness, what can one werewolf do but make the difficult choice to ever so slightly cheat in this month's race?
He shifts the volleyball into a two handed grip and looks down at it. We see it has a crudely drawn bespectacled face on it.
Isn't that right, Dilbert II?
Armbishi, Dilbert II in paw, heads over to the starting line nearby. From the other direction, The Car That Should Not Be is slowing to a halt. The Car seems a little unsteady, probably due to the extremely large and rather phallic looking biomechanical cannon that is growing out of where the cock pit usually is. Armbishi studies the angle of the veiny artillery piece for a moment, than artfully lobs Dilbert II into the end of it. Somewhere between the shot of Armbishi throwing and the shot of Dilbert entering the barrel it's gone from day to night. A now bedraggled and sweaty looking Armbishi turns to look at the camera and gives a thumbs up.
First try!
Uncle: Whenever you are ready, please let it loose.
The Car adjusts its aim, looking for just the right trajectory. Once satisfied, it toots its infernal horn, signalling for Armbishi to scurry clear. Then it fires in a mighty eldritch blast, sending Dilbert II sailing out to sea. Watching from binoculars, Armbishi sees him land.
Uncle: That certainly went the distance. Some serious thrust provided by this cannon.
A fine shot, hon! But wait! Dilbert II's been caught by the current! He's being washed further out, away from the retrieval boats!
Armbishi drops to his knees, wailing in anguish.
I'M SORRY, DILBERT!!! DILBERT, I'M SORRY!!! I'M SORRY!!!
Uncle: Don’t worry, one of the Forests is already going after it.
Uncle pats Armbishi on the shoulder before moving over to the Chemists.
Uncle: Our next crew, ladies, gentleman and those with better tastes, the Angry Mad Chemists. Dr. Doofenshmirtz, take it away.
"Look if you want to keep eating our chili dogs then hold your own! Help us out. You will be replacing Ian for us on the squad this month Sonic! Now come on!"
*Billy, in full Wonder Woman garb, rolls up to the edge of the mountain in the chemistruckinator. And on the back of it …*
"BEHOLD! THE CANON CANNON INATOR! It is powered by chemical reactions and the battery of the car and its wondrous chemical engine!"
*It is a novelty cannon like one from a circus used to fire human cannonballs, but it is painted in science green and a little white. Sonic slides into the cannon.*
"The things I do for chilidogs …"
Uncle: Fire at your leisure.
*Ovi walks up behind the car and drops in a pellet of magnesium into the chamber. Within 5 seconds smoke emits from the back … then … BOOOOOOM! Sonic is rocketed out into the horizon … on fire … with rings falling out of him as if by magic.*
"Oooh! The spin dash was very aerodynamic! How fun!"
*They all salute him and go back to partying over their win over the evil!*
Uncle: Wow! Look at that blue rodent go!
At the original announcing booth, near the Tiger Beetle, Grandma Mary and Joey Hawke have taken their seats. Mary’s granddaughter, Abby, is nervously standing on one foot, then the other right next to her.
Grandma Mary: What’s wrong Abby, love?
Abby Beahr: Hedgehogs are not rodents.
Abby returns to her car as Grandma Mary just nods.
Grandma Mary: Right. Well, It’s time for our other wrestling match of the evening. The time has come for the long awaited Freedom Fry Match!
She gestures to the XHF ring staff. A large display of the bracket is posted for the audience.
Hawke: And here’s how we got to this match up.
Grandma Mary: Yes, my granddaughter defeated Aiden Merric, CURE-E, and Hyperion before being UNJUSTLY robbed by Zoran, who had previously defeated CAR’s own Marty Donovan, El Rey, and friend of CAR Bloodied Fox.
Hawke: Wow. That’s a lot of CAR associates Zoran beat.
Grandma Mary: WAR!!
Hawke: Yes, and Dylan has so far defeated Jakie Wentzel, James Raymond, Donzig, and Jack Diamond.
Grandma Mary: From the side of the bracket that also contained Eadie, Rat Bastard, who we watched earlier, and Kira Izumi.
The beach hushes as a large deep fryer has been placed near the right side of the ring from the entryway (left of the announce table). It is full of gallons and gallons of bubbling and roiling coconut oil! Locally sourced! Bonnie Jenkins steps back into the ring after the last two cannon shots and addresses the crowd.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is your MAIN EVENT MATCH of the evening, it is the FINALS of the End of Days tournament, and is a FREEDOM FRY MATCH... the only way to win is to knock your opponent into the large deep fryer full of bubbling oil!
The Heavy's "Big Bad Wolf" blasts over the PA system.
"With Time Slipping Away
I Can't Say What I'll Do...
You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay
'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo
You Know Why?"
I Can't Say What I'll Do...
You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay
'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo
You Know Why?"
The lights around the beach are plunged into darkness, before white spotlights search through the crowd - finally coming to a rest by the ramp. The flash of a blade draws attention to the entrance curtains, just as a scythe cuts them down. The Final Boss steps out into the arena, his appearance triggering a surge of pyro. Red and orange fireworks cast the middle age European in a light that is reminiscent of hell.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first - standing at 6’1”, and weighing in at 242lbs, he comes to us from Belgrade, Serbia...Der Kommissar...That XHF Devil...THE FINAL BOSS... ZORAN SAINOVIC!!
"Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf
(What You Say)
I'm The Big Bad Wolf
(What You Say)
I'm The Big Bad Wolf"
(What You Say)
I'm The Big Bad Wolf
(What You Say)
I'm The Big Bad Wolf"
The one change from Zoran’s usual attire is that his left arm has been strapped to his chest with an intense looking arm sling. Making his way down the aisle, the GUNS commissioner is relentlessly pelted with stuffed teddy bears … or beahrs. He sighs in disappointment as he marches to the ring.
"And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood"
Arriving at ringside, Zoran walks around to the announce table and stares down Grandma Mary.
Zoran Sainovic: I HAD EVERY RIGHT TO WIN ZAT MATCH!
Grandma Mary: Like us winning the Phoenix title?
Zoran Sainovic: I'll lindyhop on your gra-
Zoran is interrupted by a loud ROAR in his ear from the tiger beetle parked next to the table. He spins on his heels to glare at the blonde in the driver seat who whistles in innocence.
Grandma Mary: Zoran having a senior moment...
Zoran Sainovic: *back to Mary* Ze fact zat your granddaughter isn't currently a RUG in my DEN is a KINDNESS!
"I SAID
AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
Zoran now glances at the tiger beetle parked just next to the commentary area and gives it a wide berth, remembering the way Hyperion was defeated. He is pelted with popcorn from the blonde woman in a polar bear cosplay and the woman hidden in a bear costume whom he previously tangled with. He rolls into the ring and awaits his destiny, popcorn continuing to pelt him. Bonnie is now unceremoniously ushered out of the ring by Antonio Kat¬¬ō.
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure steps onto the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the hand just slightly crackling with electricity.
If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the mixed reaction from the CAR based, Zoran-hating crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans trying to high five him as he seems almost confused by all of this. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up them and gets into the ring, standing in the center. Antonio Katō stands on the apron, microphone in hand as the music dies down.
Antonio Katō: And now in the ring at this time... HE STANDS AT SIX-FEET-THREE-INCHES TALL, and weighed in tonight at a slim TWO-HUNDRED-AND-SEVEN-POUNDS, he is the SUPREME PILLAR OF VIOLENCE, the BOSTON CYBORG MANIAC, and you all know him as the GREATEST X*CROWN CHAMPION OF THE XHF NETWORK ERA! THE REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED XHF HARDCORE CHAMPION! THE DAEMON! OF MAYHEM! … DYLAN BLACK!
Grandma Mary: Dylan is more machine than man. I think it's how closely he resembles ‘n automobile that has the CAR faithful firmly behind him.
Hawke: Well, you did start the “Zoran sucks” chant…
Grandma Mary: Oh fiddlesticks, am I trending?
Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start. He laughs at Zoran being pelted with popcorn and teddy beahrs as well as being slightly offput by the Dylan chants starting in the CAR fandom.
DING DING DING!
Zoran Sainovic: It zeems a shame to have to do zis just to murder Steve. We could have been legendary together.
Dylan Black: Yeah well, can’t always get what you want.
Dylan chants erupt in the crowd of CAR-nies as the competitors still seem confused by this. Zoran is now being pelted by Werther’s Original.
Zoran Sainovic: How age-ist zese Disciples of the Demon Mary are. Zese candies aren’t even tasty. *spits one of the towards the commentary table*
Dylan raises his right arm for a test of strength. Zoran raises his right arm … and they don’t match up. They each glance at the dead/missing left appendage of the other.
Dylan Black: Well, damn. Guess we skip the opening pleasantries then.
Dylan unloads on him with a headbutt.
Hawke: These two men could have been a tag team of legend. Instead they stand here, broken and damaged, fighting for the End of Days victory.
Grandma Mary: Ah, but Dylan doesn’t have to be damaged. I’m sure if he stepped into my garage we could figure something out. No hope for Zoran, of course.
Hawke: Isn’t your team the one with the most basic of vehicles in your fed?
Grandma Mary: It only LOOKS that way. It’s all about subtlety. CAR is a very subtle place. Which other racer’s team has felled a GOD?!
Zoran wipes Dylan’s sweat off his face and grins that Cheshire cat grin. He steps in and headbutts Dylan right back before stomping on his right toes, causing him to recoil from the pain in his one human limb. Dylan smirks and unloads with a right hand to Zoran’s left cheek. The Final Boss retaliates with one of his own. Dylan hits another. Sainovic retaliates with a kick to the hip. Black fires another metal right hand to the face of the Final Boss, whose cheek is glowing red from the impacts. Realizing this isn’t a war of attrition that will end his way, the XHF Devil pokes Dylan in his good eye. The Cyborg Assassin stumbles back in pain as his foe clobbers him with an axe handle to the back of the neck. He then pulls the Hardcore Champ into a front chancery, looking to drop down early into the Conditionizer guillotine choke.
Hawke: Zoran looking to end it early with his submission finish.
Grandma Mary: It doesn’t end until someone takes a dip in the oil!
The Boston Brawler manages to hit a northern lights suplex to avoid this fate. Both men roll to their feet and grapple with a collar and elbow. The GUNS Commissioner manages to snap Dylan down into a side headlock and wrench it tight. His extremely violent counterpart responds by sending him off the ropes. A duck for a back body drop, and Zoran telegraphs this and kicks Dylan in the chest. As he jumps upright, Sainovic hits a stiff dropkick to the chest.
Zoran Sainovic: Zat Cochrane fellow could LEARN a zing or two from me!
Black rolls to his feet and barrels in for a clothesline, only for the Senshu Bosu to hit a huge arm drag and continue to wrench the arm. Dylan just looks annoyed. The Supreme Pillar of Violence kips up and pulls his foe in and hits a shoulder block to the injured shoulder. He clasps his hand on Zoran’s brace as the hold is released, and pulls him in for another shoulder block. After a third shoulder block, Zoran is gritting his teeth in pain and retaliates by kicking Dylan in the bread basket. A second kick doubles over the pillar of violence and a knee lift sends him to the mat.
Grandma Mary: That’s not a wrestling move! Where’s the ref?
Hawke: Actually knees and kicks are pretty stock standard wrestling. A bunch of XHF Superstars use knees as finishers.
Grandma Mary: I think they should hug it out, and then Dylan can throw him in the oil.
Zoran stomps on the right foot of Dylan twice before planting his feet firmly on the human appendage and pulling Dylan up by his robot arm. As soon as the cyborg maniac is to a vertical base, a swift spin of the leg sends a knee right to the side of the quad and hamstring and Dylan falls down holding his ankle and upper leg in pain. The XHF Devil wastes no time hooking the leg under his good arm and wrenching back in a standing heel hook. A quick turn over and a single leg crab is locked in. Dylan tries to fight but Zoran continues to torque the leg as he spins him over again and transitions to the Indian Deathlock.
Hawke: Interrogation ’97!
Grandma Mary: 1997? His moves are as tired and old as he is! That’s 25 years ago, you know.
Hawke: Why yes! I am a bit of a historian myself.
Grandma Mary: Also old, got it.
Hawke: Aren’t you-
*A loud roar emits from next to the table as Joey flinches.*
Zoran Sainovic: It really is a pity that other leg isn’t also immune to pain. Do you suppose I can assist in that?
Dylan Black: It really is too bad your heart is malfunctioning.
Zoran Sainovic: My heart i-
Dylan grabs the leg of Zoran and unleashes 10,000 volts right into him. Of course this shocks BOTH of them and the hold is broken as smoke emits from them both.
Grandma Mary: What a shocking turn of events! AHAHAHAHA!
Hawke: Are you sure you aren’t reading from Randy’s notes?
Zoran Sainovic: Zat was a low down, dirty trick. Almost as vile as that matriarch of CAR!
Dylan slowly stands up and shakes out the cobwebs. He turns and hits the rising Final Boss with a knee to the face. Sainovic retaliates with a chop block to the front of the human leg. Black crashes to the mat holding his leg. The GUNS commish begins to lay the boots to Dylan’s leg and ribs. Dylan turtles up and tries to avoid the punishment.
Grandma Mary: Dylan ripping Sainovic's arm clean off - and using it to beat that miserable old man over the head with. Batter up! HOME run! Zoran looks more expired than usual, and Dylan tosses him into the deep fryer! YOUR end of days champion Dylan Black! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Hawke: Well since Zoran has just been kicking Dylan for the last minute, I can't believe it. Why did you make that up?
Grandma Mary: Vocalize the change you wish to see.
Thinking on his feet- er back as it may be- the former Visual Kai champ fires a blast of his air cannon at the mat which sends him rolling away and under the bottom rope. The assaulting boot hits canvas and the man it’s attached to grumbles in annoyance. Pulling himself up on the apron, Black ducks the oncoming running lariat from the popcorn-pelted European man. Black sticks his head under the rope and between the legs of the spinning Sainovic and stands, sending Zoran over the top rope and rolling down Dylan’s back to the floor with a thud. The neon sign on La Tigre gets bright and starts blinking as the eyes of the XHF Devil land on it. He furrows his brow and begins to tell off the girls in the car before the fans begin pelting him with locally-sourced seafood. With a heavy sigh, and a sad thought about the lack of fear in these plebeians, Sainovic begins batting away the fish. On the apron, Dylan has climbed the near turnbuckle and grabs one of the room temperature frying baskets and catches a few fish in it before leaping off the turnbuckle to Shanghai his opponent with a blast to the back of the head with the now fish-filled metal basket.
Hawke: WAIT! Isn’t that illegal!?
Grandma Mary: Technically, only the basket hit Zoran so CAR will allow it.
Hawke: It smells like a fish monger here now.
Grandma Mary: The smell of VICTORY!
Holding the back of his head, the famed pitchman for Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale crumbles onto the hood of the beetle. Dylan drops the basket and grabs the head of Zoran and bounces it off the hood of the car several times.
Grandma Mary: Oh! Mr. Black! Please stop damaging CAR property!
Zoran manages to get an elbow free and hit Dylan in the ribs to free himself. Only for Dylan to catch him as he turns and hit a gordbuster onto the hood of the beetle. The fancy boots of the Final Boss crack the windshield as he lands with a thud.
Brittney Beahr: AH! SELF DEFENSE!
The hood of the car pops open sending Zoran launching over the roof of the car and landing on the sand behind it. A giant boxing glove, however, launches out the open hood and socks Dylan right in the face sending him sprawling onto the sand, staring at the sky.
Grandma Mary: Now Brittney, love, you need to be more careful. You may have damaged Mr. Dylan! That fist should have been aimed at Zoran.
Hawke: … I suppose CAR will allow this as well?
Grandma Mary: That is a custom paint job!
Dylan groans in agony as his nose leaks blood. Maybe he would have seen this coming if Kira took better care of his wrestlers’ eye sight. The Final Boss is slow to his knees, he uses the rear bumper of the car to lean against. He staggers as he slowly pushes to his feet. He stumbles around the car and sees Dylan lying supine on the sand. He chuckles and puts his hand on Grandma Mary’s shoulder.
Zoran Sainovic: Why zank you, Mary. What fine dirty work you do.
He pushes past her and grabs the fryer basket. As he moves towards Dylan he eyes up that arm of Dylan’s. Taking a moment to smack the human kneecap of his fallen foe with the basket several times, he begins to slam the handle into the shoulder of Dylan. Eventually the arm begins to show damage as sparks arc from it.
Zoran Sainovic: Ah ZERE we go, now let’s turn off ze power.
The crafty commissioner grabs one of the Mahi-Mahi that had been thrown at him and shoves the tail into the arm. Dylan is jolted awake by a surge of power in his arm, smoke billowing, and the smell of delicious pescatarian dinner.
Dylan Black: FUCK! What the fuck? Why does everyone do that?
Hawke: Clearly, like Jack last week, Zoran is not willing to have that looming threat of electrocution just hanging over his head.
Zoran, satisfied that his work is done when the electricity stops, throws the fish towards the two lady beahrs in the car. They in turn throw M&M’s at the Final Boss. Dylan sits up while Zoran is distracted and kicks him in the back of the left knee. The older man buckles to the sand. Palming the handle of the basket, the Final Boss digs it into the sand and waits. Black approaches and triggers the trap as Zoran swings the basket, hitting Dylan in the face and sending sand into his good eye and mouth.
Grandma Mary: What a horrible case of sandbagging!
Hawke: I thought that meant something else?
Spitting sand and frantically trying to clear his eyesight, the cyborg maniac kicks wildly where Zoran was as he bats his eye with his hand. Sainovic swings the basket into the back of the fleshy knee of his opponent. As Dylan falls down, Zoran again points the handle of the basket at Dylan. He puts a boot to the back of the neck and sends Black to his hands and knees. He then aims the handle of the basket … where the sun don’t shine. As the handle is heading moonward, a roar lets out from the car next to the desk and Grandma Mary whistles in innocence, finger on a button on the desk. Spooked by this random occurrence, Zoran misses his target and trips over Dylan’s body and falls onto his face in the sand. He rockets to his feet in anger, tossing the basket aside and pointing at Mary.
Hawke: Wow, you are really in Zoran’s head Ms. Mary.
Grandma Mary: I don’t know what you mean. But Zoran should really pay attention to the match at hand.
Sure enough, Dylan chop blocks the left knee of the Final Boss again. He then wraps an arm around the waist of his downed foe and hits a deadlift one-armed gut wrench suplex. Sensing blood in the water, the hardcore shark of Japan, mercilessly assaults the left arm of his downed opponent. Pieces of the elaborate arm sling begin to chip away as the XHF Devil writhes in pain. Dylan uses the heavy duty appliance as a handle to literally drag Sainovic across the sand towards the deep fryer. The supposed father of XHF Legend Death Trap reaches for anything to stop this advance and grabs the basket on the ground. As they get to the corner of the ring between announce booth and the fryer, he swings it. Dylan however sensed this and drops Sainovic to the sand with a dull thump and catches the basket. He then crushes it, bending it beyond recognition in his robotic grasp.
Grandma Mary: Wow, check out the strength of that arm!
Dylan uses his foot to sit Zoran up and then begins to choke him with the mangled metal basket, small amounts of blood trickle from the throat of Zoran as the bits of metal poke into him. Zoran wriggles and wiggles and cannot get free, air rapidly escaping the veteran warrior. Cheers erupt from the crowd as Dylan soaks in the adoration of his violence.
Dylan Black: Sorry Zoran, but I will be Steve’s final boss. I’ll be sure to give him some love for you.
Zoran Sainovic: How … *cough* noble … of you. But Steve… izzzz …. *cough cough* m … mine …
Zoran throws more sand into the face of Dylan. Dylan refuses to release the hold, but it does slacken a bit allowing the Final Boss to push off the sand and catch Dylan with a stunner. Black bounces backwards to the sand as Sainovic collapses in a heap, wheezing for air.
Grandma Mary: Where’s the ref? Look at that! Where’s the ref!?
Hawke: Using the arena doesn’t constitute cheating. Shockingly.
Both men are slow to their hands and knees. Dylan is leaking blood from his broken nose, Zoran is barely able to hold a breath in. Breathing for him is super hard, very much an inconvenience. Dylan is the first to his feet. He stumbles over to Zoran and kicks him in the ribs, sending the older gentlemen rolling to the sand. Zoran spits in his face. Dylan just smirks, shakes out his human leg to get the bloodflow going, and stomps on the left shoulder of the downed Serbian. Zoran lashes out with a kick from his back. Dylan stumbles from the pain in his leg. Zoran fires another kick and Dylan drops to a knee. Zoran uses the ring apron to pull to his feet. A series of punches to the face has Dylan reeling. The Final Boss sets Dylan up for a piledriver. Using all his strength, the cyborg Bostonian sits up and rotates to the back side of Zoran’s body and unloads a reverse hurricanrana onto the sand!
Hawke: HEADSTRONG!
Grandma Mary: Well yes you would have to be! Did you see his head bounce?
Hawke: No, that was the name of the move.
Grandma Mary: Well Zoran is still moving so I’m sure he’s fine. Physically.
Hawke: The sand probably lessened the impact.
Sainovic indeed manages to end up in a sitting position in the sand only to get blasted by the Disasterpiece bicycle knee strike! Dylan sits on the sand, holding his human leg after he used it for that knee strike. He inches along the sand, leaving a trail where he shuffles. Slowly but surely he manages to reach the fryer and pull himself to his feet. He takes a look at the bubbling coconut oil and takes a step back in reverence to the fate the loser will suffer. Dylan turns and slowly marches to the prone XHF Devil. He plants a foot on the back of the left shoulder and then hoists him up, just to stomp that injured arm into the ground. Sainovic wakes with a shout of pain, leading to Black grinding his heel on the contained elbow. The Hardcore Champ pulls Zoran to a vertical base and unloads on him with forearm shots to the face. On reflex, Zoran leaps up and catches the guillotine choke on Dylan. After a few seconds of flailing they fall back as Sainovic gets the bodyscissors locked in and begins rolling towards the deep fryer!
Hawke: HOLY … uh … heck … ZORAN GOT THE CONDITIONIZER LOCKED IN! He’s choking the life out of Dylan Black.
Grandma Mary: Don’t worry folks this is a CAR show, no one will die!
Hawke: I mean this is a Zoran match and nobody’s been stabbed, you’re doing well!
The two men bump into the fryer and this allows Dylan to use his cyborg arm and leg to power up to a crawling position and ram Zoran into the fryer’s shell. A few thumps of the left shoulder into the metal and the hold is broken. Black however collapses onto the sand, breathing heavily, spent. Sainovic holds his shoulder and tries to catch his own breath. He ignores the popcorn showering him from the crowd. Zoran approaches Dylan and reaches into his pants.
Grandma Mary: OH MY GOD THE INDECENCY!
He pulls out a switchblade. He stares at it, then at Dylan. Dylan is gasping for air. Coughing. Sputtering. Zoran hears the Dylan Black chants in the crowd and looks at the fryer, realizing what he’s about to do. He shrugs and tosses the blade to the ground.
Hawke: Did … Did Zoran Sainovic just decide NOT to stab someone?
Grandma Mary: This IS a CAR show.
Hawke: Somehow I doubt The Final Boss cares one iota about the sanctity of a CAR show, given the recent events.
Zoran grabs Dylan by the hair and slowly hauls him up to his hands and knees. He starts to drag him towards the bubbling oil. They inch along, Dylan deadweight in Zoran’s hand. Until. The knife gets buried into the left bicep of the XHF Devil. The Daemon of Mayhem laughing as Zoran yelps and stares at his own blade, buried to the hilt in his own arm.
Dylan Black: Seems a shame to waste the chance since you so thoughtfully gave me the weapon.
Zoran Sainovic: Son of a bitch. And here I thought we could escape with respect intact.
Dylan Black: I don’t give a flying fuck if people respect me. I will have Steve’s head on a platter.
Dylan yanks the blade out and tosses it aside. He hits a snap suplex sending Zoran up the small ramp toward the fryer. Zoran holds his injured limb in pain as he slowly stands … looks in front of him at the oil … and turns around to see Dylan standing five feet away with his arm raised, ready to air cannon blast him.
Dylan Black: Gotta stay out of the splash zone. I don’t need to add deep fried to my list of ailments to heal.
Without a second thought Zoran grabs something and throws it at Dylan.
Zoran Sainovic: GET OVER HERE!
The kunai on a rope, signature attack of Mortal Kombat’s Scorpion, lodges itself into the open hole in the air cannon in Dylan’s hand.
Hawke: That signature Scorpion attack comes through again!
Grandma Mary: My notes say Scorpion uses a drop toe hold …
Zoran yanks on the rope and Dylan lurches forward. A quick drop to the ramp and a drop toe hold send Dylan into the bubbling oil!!!
Grandma Mary: Oh hey! You were right!
Dylan submerges in the oil. His screams echo around the beach. He writhes in agony … for about three seconds before he suddenly stops … his eyes wide. He stands up …
Zoran Sainovic: I don’t understand. What tomfoolery is this!? You zhould be BOILING!
Dylan Black: This … this oil is barely warmer than the temperature on the beach … There’s an aquarium bubbler in here …
Everyone in the audience, Zoran, Joey, and Dylan included look at Grandma Mary.
Grandma Mary: What? This IS a CAR SHOW! We don’t permanently maim anyone … physically.
Bonnie Jenkins: Your winner of the 2022 End of Days Tournament and going on to face Steve Awesome at End of Days: Forces of Nature for the X*Crown title in a Greenhouse Match … the Final Boss … ZORAN SAINOVIC!
Dylan holds up his arm and air cannon blasts, but it’s full of oil and the oil blasts all over Zoran, soaking his brace and his fancy outfit.
Zoran Sainovic: My zuit … is RUINED. I BLAME GRANDMA MARY!!!
Grandma Mary: What a great match, that was amazing. Did you see that? Wow.
Hawke: Are you not going to address Zoran calling you out just now?
Grandma Mary: I admit, this is a little more violent than a usual CAR show.
Hawke: Aren't you concerned about Zoran? Why is security escorting him away? He WON the match!
Grandma Mary: Safety first! We've got one more cannon shot to see, ready deer?
CAR ATHLETIC CUP RACE
CANNON FIRE Race
Bad to the Bone vs. Angry Mad Chemists vs. Mother. the Car vs. Esoteric Order of Driving vs. Reedy Creek Racing
Uncle: And last, but certainly not least, please welcome our final CAR Crew competing for the Athletic Cup.
Mother sends her love. A large carriage - easily twenty feet in diameter, has been designed to look like the all caring face of motherhood. Frankly it looks like a Virgin Mary sculpture in terms of its serene warmth. At the giant head's sides are partial shoulder designs, which cover wheels. The front shoulder extends into an arm - clearly the heavy gun that fires the rounds. This arm extends a good fifty feet - clearly hoping that even if it falls apart, it might still get first place. The massive creation is helped along by two vehicles. Gravedigger the monster truck drags, while Junior the Car pushes. As this Mother is brought up to the edge, Norman Krabbe starts walking up to it in an Evel Knievel outfit - apparently unwilling to ask any member of his team to act as the cannonball instead. Sadly just as Norman is about to enter the ammunition chamber, Tinto the Orphan beats him to the punch. Tinto is wearing a Robbie Knievel outfit. The kid is fearless. For DOOM VR, Tinto can be a hero.
Before Norman can stop this child abuse, Junior races forward - dragging a long chain behind him. Apparently the firing mechanism.
Uncle: Wait. Are you going to fire-
A loud EXPLOSION is followed by Tinto shooting straight out of Pantomime Kaiju Virgin Mary's finger - disappearing into the sky like Team Rocket blasting off. Hopefully when the child finally reenters the atmosphere he'll land somewhere that can be counted.
Uncle: Yep. I guess you are.
The Forest Force tracks the child as he cannonballs into the ocean.
Uncle: And that concludes this portion of the evening. The distances have been tallied by an outside representative to ensure no bias in determining the distances the crew members went.
Grandma Mary: Yea. You don’t trust me anymore. But I have the results right here. This month’s Golden Athletic Cup will be awarded to Bad to the Bone, followed closely by Mother. The Car. and the Angry Mad Chemists.
Hawke: An impressive showing by all.
Grandma Mary: Yes! The CAR Crews really know how to be memorable! All are welcome to join us next month for the last Sippy Cup Qualifier before the December Sippy Cup.
Hawke: And join us next week in Texas for the grand finale of End of Days 2022: Forces of Nature where we will see Zoran vs. Steve Awesome for the X*Crown. BANG! Hermanos vs. Top of the Class for the XHF Global Tag titles, Sam Sawyer vs. Daigo Arakawa for the Junior Heavyweight title, as well as defenses of the Hardcore and Phoenix titles. Really hope the Forest Force finds that orphan so he can get eaten by Dinosaur Bones...
**The Entire CAR Planning Committee would like to thank the XHF Network, including Dave and Jesse, for their help with the wrestling matches. As well as Erez for help with the Athletic Cup Judging, the CAR Crews for writing the Cannon Fodder-FIRE Race. Special thanks to Mosler for helping to enhance the CAR GUNS WAR portions of this event. The heat is only special graphics and no furries were harmed in the making of this event.**