Oh, also I lassoed the sun.
Oct 24, 2022 14:30:08 GMT -5
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Mongo the Destroyer, bloodiedfox, and 1 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Oct 24, 2022 14:30:08 GMT -5
(We open on the deck of a luxurious cruise ship. Families lounge by the pool as Moana plays on a giant screen. Marty Donovan, day drunk and wearing a Hawaiian shirt, dances to the music.)
Marty: Mr.Blood! What can I say except you’re welcome?
(Marty raises his blue margarita to the camera.)
Marty: You’re welcome for the extra ticket sales, twitter trends, and PPV buys that only Disney’s Marty Donovan can provide. I’m strapping the mouse missile to this place!
(Marty downs his drink in one gulp.)
Marty: The Disney Wish has incredible food and drinks. I feel like I’ve gained 20 pounds.
(Marty smugly unbuttons his shirt to reveal the giant Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. It has a new rose pink strap that matches Cinderella's castle.)
Marty: That explains it! I owe Wesley Crane a debt. Syberus used every dirty trick in our title match, but the high roller saved the day. In London I return the favor by watching his back. It won’t be too hard given the sorry state of the WUK roster. Let us review.
(We see Marty walking through the ship's food hall.)
Marty: First is Kalmin Watts, constantly bringing up his college. Buy the bumper sticker and shut up already. Real exclusive club, only accepted him and 31,000 other hicks. I understand his athletic achievements. Not every Sooner gets to be on the field while Texas scores 49 unanswered points. He’s a promising hoss. Hardkore World could use a new meathead since Andrew Karnage went home to the sister wives. Still, is he THIS strong?
(The shot zooms out and we see Marty carrying two plates full of buffet food at once. He repeatedly lifts the plates above his head with ease before putting them on a table in front of undefeated CAR driver Ollie Oldham. She looks at him confused.)
Ollie: Neither of us eat clams. Who are they for?
Marty: The gains.
(He heads for a dessert station, Hulk Hogan flexing the whole way over. We then see Marty holding an inflatable raft, standing in line for a water slide that wraps around the boat.)
Marty: Next, we have The Sheik. He’s all intimidation, tossing around chairs and screaming in Arabic. Yet he couldn’t even beat Syberus, who I squashed. Sheik will never terrify me. I’ve conquered The Aquamouse, a high speed, pitch black thrill-ride. This isn’t some Toy Story slide for babies. Olivia is a race car driver and even she went temporarily insane from fear. The poor girl spent the whole ride biting my ear and neck. I wasn’t scared in the slightest!
(We next see Marty in a robe relaxing in a sauna.)
Marty: I can’t forget Spike Kane. I listened to his rant. Well, I read the close captions. Nobody understands leprechaun. He has a lot of anger. Guy kept blabbering about burning this place down. He’s going to enter the match way too hot and be easy pickings. Not Marty. The sense spa has me relaxed. I no longer even care that this glorified YMCA costs 200 dollars a person. Nor do I mind that coffee isn’t free, or that you have to pay for slow internet, or that all the restaurants have a corking fee. A CORKING FEE! I CARRY THIS HEAVY ASS WINE BOTTLE IN MY BAG AND THEY GET 25 BUCKS OUT OF IT? WHY IS THIS BOAT SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE!?!?!
(Marty tosses the sauna ladle across the room in rage. He then breathes heavily.)
Marty: Anyway, Spike will soon learn that I’m the calmest wrestler on the planet.
(We cut to the grand hall. Marty takes notes from the balcony as Goofy entertains kids.)
Marty: I’m scouting Goofy to prepare for Lord Dominicus. They’re both costumed clowns. Idiot said he will mount the title to his hood. Why worry about bugs, they’re going to be hit by all cars that lap you? You have not won a single race since Olivia showed up. My Reedy Creek is undefeated on the track. We could take next month off and still top the qualifiers. You have bigger problems, like what to tell Party City after that pathetic rental mask is covered in blood.
(We see Marty wearing a swimsuit. One shoulder is taped up. He watches the sunset from the deck.)
Marty: The roster isn’t all bad. Rat Bastard, AVB’s father, is the honorary fourth member of The Anointed. There is also my new friend Primal. I can’t wear the armor until the imagineers run some tests, but Feige likes his movie pitch.
(Marty glares at the camera.)
Marty: Then there's the little prick. Fox. His one sentence to me wasn’t even an apology. Claims I soiled myself. Well he shit the bed. The serb was literally hanging from the scaffolding and still won. Fox, I was right, you’re too small for wrestling.
(Marty stares at something off screen and grows upset.)
Marty: The scariest moment of my life was when that thug and referee took turns stabbing. Slowly realizing Mongo was fine with death in his ring. The regret, knowing I’d never see certain people again, thinking about the things I should have told them and never did. Fuck.
(Marty gets frustrated and walks out of frame. Behind him was the stern. A figurehead of Rapunzel, hair tied to the railing, paints the name on the side of the boat.)
Marty: Fox you’re more to blame than even the serb. None of this would have happened if you pinned me. You wanted to show you could hang with the big boys and failed. Pray that we don’t cross paths in this match, that you’re #1 and I am #19. The fact is, if I see you, I will snap your little bloody neck.
(Marty checks his watch.)
Marty: I can’t be late for the Anna and Kristoff engagement party. Best of luck to everyone. Don’t be intimidated, I’m just an ordinary demiguy.
(The shot fades out as Marty smugly grins.)
Marty: Mr.Blood! What can I say except you’re welcome?
(Marty raises his blue margarita to the camera.)
Marty: You’re welcome for the extra ticket sales, twitter trends, and PPV buys that only Disney’s Marty Donovan can provide. I’m strapping the mouse missile to this place!
(Marty downs his drink in one gulp.)
Marty: The Disney Wish has incredible food and drinks. I feel like I’ve gained 20 pounds.
(Marty smugly unbuttons his shirt to reveal the giant Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. It has a new rose pink strap that matches Cinderella's castle.)
Marty: That explains it! I owe Wesley Crane a debt. Syberus used every dirty trick in our title match, but the high roller saved the day. In London I return the favor by watching his back. It won’t be too hard given the sorry state of the WUK roster. Let us review.
(We see Marty walking through the ship's food hall.)
Marty: First is Kalmin Watts, constantly bringing up his college. Buy the bumper sticker and shut up already. Real exclusive club, only accepted him and 31,000 other hicks. I understand his athletic achievements. Not every Sooner gets to be on the field while Texas scores 49 unanswered points. He’s a promising hoss. Hardkore World could use a new meathead since Andrew Karnage went home to the sister wives. Still, is he THIS strong?
(The shot zooms out and we see Marty carrying two plates full of buffet food at once. He repeatedly lifts the plates above his head with ease before putting them on a table in front of undefeated CAR driver Ollie Oldham. She looks at him confused.)
Ollie: Neither of us eat clams. Who are they for?
Marty: The gains.
(He heads for a dessert station, Hulk Hogan flexing the whole way over. We then see Marty holding an inflatable raft, standing in line for a water slide that wraps around the boat.)
Marty: Next, we have The Sheik. He’s all intimidation, tossing around chairs and screaming in Arabic. Yet he couldn’t even beat Syberus, who I squashed. Sheik will never terrify me. I’ve conquered The Aquamouse, a high speed, pitch black thrill-ride. This isn’t some Toy Story slide for babies. Olivia is a race car driver and even she went temporarily insane from fear. The poor girl spent the whole ride biting my ear and neck. I wasn’t scared in the slightest!
(We next see Marty in a robe relaxing in a sauna.)
Marty: I can’t forget Spike Kane. I listened to his rant. Well, I read the close captions. Nobody understands leprechaun. He has a lot of anger. Guy kept blabbering about burning this place down. He’s going to enter the match way too hot and be easy pickings. Not Marty. The sense spa has me relaxed. I no longer even care that this glorified YMCA costs 200 dollars a person. Nor do I mind that coffee isn’t free, or that you have to pay for slow internet, or that all the restaurants have a corking fee. A CORKING FEE! I CARRY THIS HEAVY ASS WINE BOTTLE IN MY BAG AND THEY GET 25 BUCKS OUT OF IT? WHY IS THIS BOAT SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE!?!?!
(Marty tosses the sauna ladle across the room in rage. He then breathes heavily.)
Marty: Anyway, Spike will soon learn that I’m the calmest wrestler on the planet.
(We cut to the grand hall. Marty takes notes from the balcony as Goofy entertains kids.)
Marty: I’m scouting Goofy to prepare for Lord Dominicus. They’re both costumed clowns. Idiot said he will mount the title to his hood. Why worry about bugs, they’re going to be hit by all cars that lap you? You have not won a single race since Olivia showed up. My Reedy Creek is undefeated on the track. We could take next month off and still top the qualifiers. You have bigger problems, like what to tell Party City after that pathetic rental mask is covered in blood.
(We see Marty wearing a swimsuit. One shoulder is taped up. He watches the sunset from the deck.)
Marty: The roster isn’t all bad. Rat Bastard, AVB’s father, is the honorary fourth member of The Anointed. There is also my new friend Primal. I can’t wear the armor until the imagineers run some tests, but Feige likes his movie pitch.
(Marty glares at the camera.)
Marty: Then there's the little prick. Fox. His one sentence to me wasn’t even an apology. Claims I soiled myself. Well he shit the bed. The serb was literally hanging from the scaffolding and still won. Fox, I was right, you’re too small for wrestling.
(Marty stares at something off screen and grows upset.)
Marty: The scariest moment of my life was when that thug and referee took turns stabbing. Slowly realizing Mongo was fine with death in his ring. The regret, knowing I’d never see certain people again, thinking about the things I should have told them and never did. Fuck.
(Marty gets frustrated and walks out of frame. Behind him was the stern. A figurehead of Rapunzel, hair tied to the railing, paints the name on the side of the boat.)
Marty: Fox you’re more to blame than even the serb. None of this would have happened if you pinned me. You wanted to show you could hang with the big boys and failed. Pray that we don’t cross paths in this match, that you’re #1 and I am #19. The fact is, if I see you, I will snap your little bloody neck.
(Marty checks his watch.)
Marty: I can’t be late for the Anna and Kristoff engagement party. Best of luck to everyone. Don’t be intimidated, I’m just an ordinary demiguy.
(The shot fades out as Marty smugly grins.)