GUNS 4 The Troops - A Veteran's Day Special
Nov 12, 2022 2:54:28 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Venom đ·, and 8 more like this
Post by mosler on Nov 12, 2022 2:54:28 GMT -5
The stars of GUNS stand solemnly in the centre of the squared circle. A ring has been set up in the centre of Camp Henry, with over five thousand servicemen from the military base all standing at attention. The cameras sweep across the crowds for reactions, as all in attendance observes two minutes of silence.
When the time finally passes, the performers break rank for their makeshift locker room, while Sylvia Starr remains with microphone in hand.
Sylvia Starr: At this time, please welcome EXP EDITION for the singing of the star spangled banner...
Starr exits, as four non-Koreans enter the ring. Yes, the K-Pop group without any Koreans in it. Fortunately the Star-Spangled Banner is in English, which is when EXP EDITION is at their best... since theyâre still learning Korean.
Sime: #OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE!!!#
The camera continues to pan around the crowd, getting images of soldiers standing at the ready, as EXP Edition sing away. I could post all the lyrics here, but Iâm going to assume we all know most of them. Though the troops probably would have preferred a Korean K-pop group, there arenât too many disrespectful rapping variations, so they decide to consider this a win.
Frankie: #And the HOOOME OF THE BRAAAAAAAAAVE?#
As the band finishes, fireworks explode â signalling a start to the show.
Tom Phillips: Welcome everyone to GUNS veteranâs Day Special! We are LIVE from Camp Henry in Daegu, South Korea â where are looking forward to giving back to the brave persons in our Armed Forces.
Tom Berenger: Should be a great time-
Tom Phillips: The event has been organized by X*Crown champion Zoran Sainovic â both out of his passion for the holiday, and feeling snubbed for being left off our Halloween show. The event will be capped with an X*Crown defence against J-Rokâs Johnny Sniper â and SPEAKING of SNIPERS â I have been joined on commentary by the star of Sniper 8: Assassinâs End, Mister Tom Berenger!
Tom Berenger: It is a great honour to be part of this-
Tom Phillips: I loved you in Looking for Mr. Goodbar!
Tom Berenger: Thatâs unfortunate, Tom.
Tom Phillips: So speaking as a Sniper, what do you think of Johnnyâs chances tonight?
Tom Berenger: Well, Iâm here as a guest of Zoran â so Iâd rather not weigh in, but gun to my head â I think weâre looking at a new champion!
Magnus: Youâre in my seat.
Magnus and O.B.R.C. approach the commentary table.
Tom Berenger: I was told to-
Tom Phillips: Magnus! I wasnât expecting you to be invited.
Magnus: I donât need an invite; itâs my damned company!
Tom Berenger: I donât think weâve met, Iâm-
Magnus: Stow it, Tom Berenger! This show already has one too many Snipers for my taste. Get him out of here-
Tom Berenger: Now wait just a-
O.B.R.C. grips the older thespianâs arm with one of his foil-covered clamps. The security guard escorting Berenger away, much to the dismay of he crowd. Fortunately this Roboto Cop is Off Brand, and just sloppy enough at his job that Tom Berenger gets an arm free to sucker punch Magnus with.
*CHEAP SHOT POP*
Reclaiming his commentary seat, Magnus rubs his jaw in pain. O.B.R.C. escorts Berenger out, while the crowd holler their approval for the Platoon star cameo. Way better than EXP EDITION.
Magnus: GOD DAMNED TOM BERENGER!
Tom Phillips: Sounds like a new name for your enemy list. Well, Snipers are now 1-0 against GUNS, can Johnny make it 2-0?
Magnus: I hope Sniper permanently cripples Zoran. I can put on a way better USO show than that foreign devil. In fact, I might have a few surprise segments of my own...
Tom Phillips: Like a distinguished actor shoving an off-brand robot off the entrance ramp?
Magnus: Damn it.
The camera cuts to the entranceway, where paramedics attempt to reboot Roboto Cop. Wandering around bend them are J-RoKâs Mitsuo Shimada, Gregory Murphy and Florida Man.
Gregory Murphy: âŠI canât believe the level of access that Yamaguchi is able to offer. It is very impressive.
Florida Man: Believe it, Murphy-san! Yamaguchi Travel Agency has amazing packages, if you or Mitsuo-san wants the U.S. Military experience? Just call your friends at the YTA-
The trioâs happy vacation advertisement is soon halted by Military Police.
M.P.: How did you get back here?
Mitsuo Shimada gives Florida Man a dirty, knowing look. The coked out Floridian simply shrugs.
Florida Man: Yamaguchi only promises to get you inside a military base, after they sneak you in, itâs up to you not to get caught...
Gregory Murphy: Man you suck.
Florida Man: I get that a lot...
As the J-RoK stars are led off by military police, we cut to a secluded part of the base. The two members of Off the Wagon, Kris Quake and Randy Angel stand hidden behind one of the tents.
Randy: Usually your logic is sound Trips, but you got us clearance onto a US Military base just to try and break out?
Quake: Yes.
Angel: But why?
Quake: BTS tickets of course.
Randy: Wouldnât it have been easier to fly directly there and get a room in town?
Quake: With as much as these BTS tickets costed I need a way to get here free and get paid for it.
Randy: That makes sense.
Quake: Now that you get it put these fatigues on and I got a copy of base leave papers for us.
The duo each go behind different stacks of boxes and come out in full army fatigues. Quake pulls two sheets of paper out of one of the many pockets in his new outfit and produces shore leave papers filled out in crayon and signed by âCaptain Crunch.â Happy with themselves the duo walk towards the base exit. They stop to be checked out at the post and the young soldier there seems excited to see them.
Soldier: Oh man. I love you guys. Dressed in full fatigues for the event. Canât wait to see what youâre up to. Oh, youâre leaving tho? Will you make it back in time.
Quake clears his throat and speaks with a little bass in his voice.
Quake: Of course young soldier. Weâre just heading into town forâŠ
Randy: âŠsuppliesâŠ
Quake: âŠyes, supplies.
Solider: Oh great. I hope I get off in time to see your part in the show.
The soldier waves as the walk freely through the barricade and he calls after them.
Soldier: Drink a lotâŠresponsibly!
The two walk quicker and quicker and fade out of sight.
We return to ringside, where we see that a table has been set up in the ring with a chair either side, in which sit Crypto Bro and Doug from the ring crew. Between them is a familiar looking licensed boardgame.
Magnus: And now it's time for what's sure to be a standout contest, The Battleship Battle!
Tom Phillips: This is your surprise addition?
Magnus: Yes.
Tom Phillips: So do they have to hit each other with the Batttleship set or something?
Magnus: What? No. They just play Battleship.
Tom Phillips: ...That doesn't sound like it'll make for good TV.
Magnus: I have my reasons, Tom.
The crowd look perplexed, but start to cheer as the NCIS theme starts playing and everyone's favourite actor playing an investigator of the bizarrely high number of serious crimes linked to the US navy Mark Harmon makes his way down the ramp.
Magnus: And here's our special guest referee for the contest!
Tom Phillips: You got an actual celebrity on this show?!
Magnus: CBS are aware of the XHF's popularity and wanted to promote NCIS's 20th season with a crossover. With GUNS doing this tribute to the troops Mongo knew it made sense for Mr. Harmon to appear here.
Tom Phillips: You brought in the biggest guest star to one-up Zoran ...then Mongo told you not to screw this up so you put him in the least dangerous segment you could think of, huh?
Magnus: ...Yes.
The prospect of watching two jobbers playing a tactical guessing game enhanced by the presence of an elderly TV star, the men and women of the US armed forces break out into a 'GIBBS!!!' chant and Mr. Harmon gets into position to adjudicate. Having won the backstage coin toss via his Doge Coin flipping app, Crypto Bro prepares to make the first move. Before he can do so, however, the crowd murmur in surprise as a figure emerges from under the ring and slides in beneath the bottom rope...
ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE HEAD OF MARK HARMON!!!
Magnus: No!!!
Tom Phillips: Oh dear!
Unsurprisingly for a 71 year old, Harmon goes down in a heap from the blow. Both participants in the Battleship Battle jump up in shock. The attacker judges Crypto Bro the bigger threat, or perhaps just hates tech bros more, and nails him with a pump kick that uppercuts his jaw to knock him out. Doug turns to flee, only to get grabbed and Snap Dragon Suplex'd.
Tom Phillips: Hey, I know those moves!
Magnus: What is he doing here?!
Sure enough, as the servicemen and women boos rain down on him, the figure lowers his hood and removes his face mask to reveal none other than Bloodied Fox. Grabbing the mic that was set to the table to pick up the competitors' moves, Fox goes to the ropes and leans over, looking directly at the commentary table.
Fox: Hey Magnus, I'd say I'm sorry for ruining your little PR event here, but we both know it'd be a lie. Guess that almost makes us even for you nearly getting me murdered by Zoran, hmmm?
Fox gives GUNS owner an insincere smile and the middle finger as the crowd tell him how little they think of his actions.
Tom Phillips: He does kind of have a point there.
Magnus: Oh come on, Zoran's tried to murder nearly everyone in the XHF at some point! You don't see them assaulting celebrity cameos over it!
Done with Magnus and ignoring the audience, Fox turns to face the entranceway.
Fox: Speaking of Zoran, all this is a message for him. You can keep running from me, old man, but sooner or later your time will be up. If your one armed arse can make it past your hand-picked tomato can Johnny Sniper...
The crowd's boos intensify at that uncalled for insult to a decorated veteran.
Fox: ...and Steve Awesome fucks it all up at Supremacy, then you can rest assured that come January I will be there to bury you one and for all and claim the crown. Hell, even if you don't have it, I'll be there to make sure you're done. This time there'll be no stupid gimmick to banana peel me, no bullshit win condition so you can get lucky. It'll end in either pinfall or submission. I will rid the XHF Network, and more importantly myself, of you once and for all.
Magnus: Strong words there from Fox to the X*Crown champion.
Tom Phillips: They've been feuding for two and a half years. I don't think soft words are an option.
Fox: Until then though I've got other business to attend to, by which I mean that worthless sack of corporate bootlicker shit Marty Donovan. Marty, you've been sticking your nose into my business way more than is healthy for you or tolerable for me. Since I can't end the year by ending Zoran, how about I end you instead? You against me at Supremacy, Marty. Prove you've got some guts and pick up the gauntlet, because I can't wait to spill them all over the canvas. Hell, I won't even ask you to put your HKW title on the line. Why would I? It's worth even less than you!
His messages sent, Fox throws down the mic and exits the ring to a chorus of boos and jeers. Walking back up the ramp he smirks and exchanges insults with the nearest fans as he makes his way to the back. Magnus sighs.
Magnus: Mongo's never gonna let me have a celebrity on ever again.
Tom Phillips: Maybe you can lend CBS Goldbear II to be a recurring villain?
Magnus: Bears are the heroes, Tom. The heroes.
Meanwhile, in the back the military police have done what they do best â force Florida Man, Gregory Murphy and Mitsuo Shimada to peel potatoes so that they can think about the merits of following the rules, and also provide the vegetable portion of the eveningâs meal. The three J-RoK stars find themselves in some barracks next to a few thousand potatoes. As Mitsuo and Murphy are working together, their peeled pile clearly dwarfs that of the Florida Man.
Florida Man: Leave it to Yamaguchi to provide activities in keeping with the packageâs theme. When it comes to travel, who can you turn to but Yama-
Mitsuo Shimada throws a potato at Florida Manâs head.
Florida Man responds by trying to stab Shimada with his potato peeler. Mitsuo ducks, leaving only a potato for Florida Man to peel. Accidentally peeling one from Shimada & Murphyâs pile, greatly vexes the deranged Floridian.
Magnus: Wait, an actual match broke out?
Tom Phillips: The YTA championship being determined... by who can peel the most potatoes?
With Shimada clearly winning the race, Florida Man keeps his calm, returning to his stool to keep cracking. Math was never his strong point, but it seems to Flo that Shimada has a hundred to every one cut by the Sunshine State Kid. Perhaps he can outsource this gig to the Heroes for Hire? Cold stares suggest they arenât interested in the money.
Tom Phillips: Florida Man busts out his food stamps, but the Heroes for Hire arenât tempted-
Magnus: No sign of Gazoo, and this is the one contest where having the extra hands would help.
Realizing that Shimada is hours away from claiming the YTA title, versus the days it would take Florida to retain â the gator faced luchador tries to use his tail the shove a few hundred potatoes onto the Heroesâ pile. Taking exception to this, Shimada stabs his peeler into Floridaâs tail, pinning the champion in his place. FML nails Shimada with a roundhouse right, only to be knocked back with an âEAT THIS!â which sends the two sprawling into a heap of Potatoes. As the two roll around on the floor trading stiff punches, Florida tries to smash as many Shimadaâs peeled efforts as possible.
Tom Phillips: Florida Man with a fistful of tail, trying to use that potato peeler lodged in his lower half to stab Shimada in the face-
Magnus: -But Shimada reverses. There is something to be said for being physically fit, and uses the sharp peeler to pin Floridaâs tail to his chest.
Tom Phillips: There is a lot of blood getting into those mashed potatoes-
Magnus: Florida Man pulling out his trusty Darwin Award, smashes Shimada in the forehead â busting him wide open. Now heading after Murphy-
Before he can reach Shimadaâs mouthpiece, a drop toehold sends Florida Man crashing to the floor â face first into the trophy. The impact busts the gatorâs snout in half.
Magnus: Shimada bleeding heavily from the back of the head, looks concussed.
Tom Phillips: Florida Man trying to pull the challenger back down to the floor, but Shimada responds by throwing over a pile of potatoes â crushing Florida Man under a few thousand.
Magnus: And hereâs the follow-up â THE FINALE!
Tom Phillips: There are too many potatoes on top of him to see if it hit, but some part of Florida Man must feel dead after that.
Magnus: If this match had pinfalls, you know that Shimada would be the new YTA champion-
Tom Phillips: As it stands, hopefully Florida Man has been knocked out to the point where Shimada and Murphy can peel their potatoes in peace.
Pulling their stools back up to the piles for the sake of discord quotes, Shimada and Murphy begin peeling again. They maybe get through four, before a scaly claw emerges from the potato mass, grabbing Shimada by the ankle.
Magnus: Florida still with a little life left in him, takes Shimada over with a giant swing!
Tom Phillips: How many times can they spin? Iâm getting dizzy just looking at them.
Magnus: Letâs just hope they donât throw up â that would be even less sanitary than the litres of blood they are currently garnishing the food with...
Swinging Shimada like a hammer, Florida Man squashes mound after mound of potatoes into paste. By the time heâs finished, it wonât look like the Heroes peeled any at all. Unfortunately for the Wild Man, trying to seek out a larger pile to smash leaves him open to a Shimada Special Frankensteiner.
Magnus: Shimada with his patent-
The signal breaks, as Florida Man is sent crashing into the camera.
Magnus: Well, that was almost a match. From a rival promotion no less! Some commissioner.
Tom Phillips: The next contest should be something VERY special-
Magnus: What is it- oh. Why the hell are we giving this away now? Save it for a season finale-
Tom Phillips: Wombat requested it.
LA Wombat is already standing in the ring. You see, his legs are stocky, so Wombat tries to make his way down the ramp on the down low so as not to draw attention to his freakish proportions. Even when paying tribute to his late wife, Wombat still doesnât rate an entrance.
Stella Starr: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a TRIBUTE to the life of the late Ms. Wombat, already in the ring â her husband. And his opponent...
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the hand just slightly crackling with electricity.
Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus.
Tom Phillips: Betty Wombat was eaten by Dinosaur Bones on our Halloween special-
Magnus: You donât come back from that.
Tom Phillips: -And her husband wanted to put on a contest, which in his words, focused on the in-ring action she loved, and less on the stupid killer reptiles. For a tribute like that, there was only one bitter rival he could call.
He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up them and gets into the ring, standing in the center.
Stella Starr: And now in the ring at this time... HE STANDS AT SIX-FEET-THREE-INCHES TALL, and weighed in tonight at a slim TWO-HUNDRED-AND-SEVEN-POUNDS, he is the SUPREME PILLAR OF VIOLENCE, the BOSTON CYBORG MANIAC, THE DAAAAAAAAAEMON! OF MAAAAAAAYHEM! DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN! BLAAAAAAAAAACK!
Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start. Completely ignoring the grieving widower on the other side of the ring.
Magnus: Iâm not sure about the athletic purity if youâre bringing the hardcore champ into it-
Tom Phillips: The last two matches these two put on were match of the year contenders, and with such emotional stakes? This should be something special.
The two rivals begin to lock-up when the screen cuts to black.
THE FOLLOWING MATCH HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE NEW DISNEY WORLD ORDER.
(The shot fades up on a wrestling ring in the center of Toy Story Land at Walt Disney World. A crowd dressed to resemble green army men surround all sides. In one corner stands Marty Donovan, cosplaying Steve Rogers in his WWII uniform. On the other side of the ring is Dana âThe Droneâ Daniels, a scrawny middle aged jobber. Instead of Danaâs usual bee singlet, he wears a Serbian flag themed one. A commentary track plays over this pretaped match that is clearly Martyâs poor attempt at a Jim Ross Impression.)
Not JR: Folks youâre just in time for a slobberknocker! The unanimously beloved Marty Donovan is about to get it on with The Blade of Belgrade! This is title for title!
(The match official, by which I mean someone in a Buzz Lightyear Costume with a ref shirt awkwardly put on over the wings, calls for the bell. Marty confidently stomps forward as Danaâs knees shake in terror.)
Not JR: Look at the fear in the eyes of that Serbian scum! He knows that Donovan is undefeated in this great sport.
(Dana pulls out a prop knife and begins to repeatedly stab Marty, who just laughs at him.)
Not JR: BY GAWD! EVEN THE SHARPEST BLADE IS NO MATCH FOR MARTY!
(Marty wraps a hand around Danaâs neck and lifts him above his head. He slams the jobber to the mat and places a boot on him. The ref makes the three count.)
NOT JR: CHOKESLAM! SPINE ON THE PINE! THE FINAL BOSS JUST GOT A PINK SLIP!
(Buzz hands Marty the Hardkore World Championship and a child replica of the 24/7 title. Marty tosses the puny championship to a cast member dressed as Sid in the front row.)
Not JR: Well it looks like the little hooligan has got some new scrap metal to play with.
( Gaston, Jafar, Captain Hook, and Shaun Yu rush the ring. They put the boots to Marty who does the Hogan drop to one knee âbumpâ.)
Not JR: The foreign freaks have rushed the ring! Somebody stop the damn match!
(âDragulaâ by Rob Zombie plays as the crowd roars in excitement. Mister Rip N. Terror speeds out in his terrifying power wheel, but he accidentally drives one of the wheels off the entrance ramp and gets stuck. Ollie Oldham, dressed as Peggy Carter and choking back tears of laughter, runs out and gets the a car unstuck for Tinto.)
Not JR: MISTER RIP N. TERROR! WHOSE SIDE IS HE ON?
( Tinto enters the ring as the four heels watch nervously. The little fiend opens his coat to reveal the inside lining is the American flag. The crowd cheers as Marty and Rip beat up the villains, who head for the hills.)
Not JR: Theyâre running like scalded dogs! This is our country's finest hour!
( Confetti falls as Kitty Kallenâs "Itâs Been A Long, Long Time" plays. Marty and Ollie slow dance in the ring as the army men give a standing ovation.)
Not JR: Folks, I can honestly say that was the greatest wrestling match I have ever seen. You might as well change the channel now. Youâre not going to see any action like that on GUNS. I heard their former commissioner is a crook too. No sir, if you ask me, CAR is much better. This is Mike Tenay, signing off.
(The shot fades out as the couple continues to sway. For some reason, Tinto is headbanging.)
The signal finally returns to Camp Henry.
Tom Phillips: THIS IS THE GREATEST MATCH I HAVE EVER SEEN!
If you didnât resent Marty Donovan for trolling the broadcast before, you sure do now. Youâre starting to hope that Zoran Sainovic stabs him again.
Magnus: I donât know how theyâre still going...
Apparently having just finished an exhausting exchange of the most poetic chain-wrestling you will never see, Dylan Black has finally had enough and gestures a throat slit. The crowd erupt.
Tom Phillips: Black calling for Demonic Venom!
Magnus: He canât handle Demonic Venom!
Tom Phillips: The crowd eating it up!
Demonic Venom chants start up across the military base. Dylan Black looks like heâs once again going to chop of Wombatâs head to set up the rematch that everyone wants to see.
Tom Phillips: At our season 3 finale, Dylan Black murdered L.A. Wombat to get another shot at Demonic Venom. Will Wombat be joining his wife in the afterlife?
Magnus: Too soon!
Wombat shakes his head in frustration, but Dylan Black moves in for the kill. As there is no reasoning with him, Wombat throws his arms up and leaves.
Magnus: Huh?
The crowd jeer, but referee Johnny Cobb has no choice but to make the ten count.
Tom Phillips: Right before she died, Ms. Wombat forced L.A. to promise heâd never become the unwitting host to Venom again... and trying to honour his late wifeâs wishes, takes the count out rather than give in to the crowd.
Magnus: What a killjoy.
DING! DING! DING!
Stellar Starr: The winner of this match... as the result of a count out,
DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!
Dylan Black looks less than pleased at the finish, for his opponentâs part; from the entranceway La Authentica seems ready to strangle the hardcore champion.
Tom Phillips: Still a lot of bad blood between these two-
Magnus: Could we be seeing one more rematch? In which case, it better be on pay per view!
The feed cuts to another videographer around the far barracks, walking alongside an M.P. The two approach a steel door that has pink ooze spilling out underneath it. The M.P. opens the door â and is almost knocked over by a wave of pink potato slurry. Inside Florida Man and Mitsuo Shimada continue to exchange vicious shots, their faces looking like hamburger. No easy feat, considering that one of them is wearing a mask. Murphy sticks to the walls, trying to avoid the carnage.
Tom Phillips: Theyâre still going at it-
Magnus: But are there any potatoes left to count?
Florida Man charges at Mitsuo Shimada with a GFC Special, but Shimada blocks â then forearm smashes him off. Charging in, Shimada starts to go for an inverted tornado DDT â but Florida manages to put the breaks on, shifting his weight to hit the-
Tom Phillips: MURPHYâS LAW!
Shimada is left face down in the pink slurry. Florida Man looks ready to bite Murphy, but instead fishes his claws down into the disgusting paste. After a second he pulls out two peeled potatoes. Barely able to stand, FML staggers over to the M.P.
M.P.: I donât want those â no one can eat this crap.
The two are enough to take it though.
Stella Starr: The winner of this match, and STILL YTA Champion-
FLORIDAAAAAAAAAA MAAAAAAAN!
From the ring, Stella announces the result â to at least calm the crowd after the previous count out finish.
M.P.: Well, you ruined the meal weâd planned for this evening â I hope youâre happy, Florida Man.
Florida Man: Damn skippy.
With this last note of defiance, Florida Man passes out next to Mitsuo Shimada â both face down in the slurry.
Magnus: I hope they drown.
Tom Phillips: Pretty sure Murphy can help Shimada, but yeah, if he inhales enough of that crap, this might be the last time Florida Man terrorizes one of our shows.
Back in the ring, Stella Starr continues to work the crowd â now with a T-shirt gun in hand.
Stella Starr: Who needs potatoes, when we have Baconators for everyone!
Lifting the cannon, Stella fires baconators out of it into the crowd-
-Only for Dinosaur Bones to run around ringside, gulping them down out of the air.
Stella Starr: There is enough for everyone-
Dinosaur Bones: SHOWS WHAT YOU APES KNOW!
Stella moves quickly targeting different spots in the crowd for this fast food barrage, but Bones continues to stomp in the way â stealing food from the troops. He is in such a rush, the dracolich doesnât notice the young man behind him...
Like many of Bones title defences, he doesnât realize there is a match, or that his opponent is a stain under his foot.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Stella Starr: The winner of this match and STILL XHF Phoenix Champion,
DINOSAUR BONESSSSS!
While sheâs announcing the winner, Stella fires a hamburger off in the opposite direction â finally getting one of the baconators to the troops. She considers this a personal victory. The crowd are more incensed at the bugle boy looking like a pancake.
Company B: Letâs get him!
Not unlike the intro seen to Pacman, a large troop chases Bones off screen. Then a second later he chases them back, chomping away. As the chaos leaves ringside, Stella pulls out her last set of cue cards.
Stella Starr: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a BOOT CAMP match for the XHF X*Crown and is your MAIN EVENT of the evening!
The crowd pop hard at the prospect of an X*Crown defence.
Stella Starr: Entering first the challenger...
Stella Starr: Representing J-RoK, he stands at 6â2â, weighs in at 217lbs, and comes to us from Parris Island, South Carolina â please give a very warm round of applause to...
JOHNNY SNIPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The veteran gets a heroes welcome as he comes out of the back. Stepping through the curtain, Sniper is sporting his camo pants, brown boots, green wrist tape. Soaking in the cheers, he points to the tattoo of the Marine Corp insignia on his left shoulder, before raising his fist in the air for another volley of fireworks and wave of cheers. As Sniper makes his way down the aisle, slapping hands, a Sniper chant rises throughout the base.
Tom Phillips: XHFâs celebrated veteran being chosen by the champion for his first defence.
Magnus: Huge mistake. Zoran spent last month being ground to a pulp, while sniper is relatively fresh. The commissionerâs ego has finally got him in over his head.
Tom Phillips: Sniper is a former AWF United States champion, heâs proven he has the pedigree to get gold in the XHF â and nothing would make this crowd happier. Except maybe some showgirls doing-
Magnus: Damn it Tom, until we run Zoran out of the fed you have to be the responsible announcer.
Tom Phillips: Sorry.
Magnus: Knock off the horny sex predator bit. Am I going to have to make you change your name?
Tom Phillips: No sir.
Magnus: Because even if we call you Hannifan, youâre still going to have to go door to door registering as an offender.
Stella Starr: And the champion- standing at 6â1â, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia â please give a warm round of applause for...
THE FINAL BOSS â
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder
One of the four beasts saying,
'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"
âWhen the Man Comes Aroundâ by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
A single gloved hand holds back the curtains. Zoran Sainovic exits through them to a surprising number of cheers. The former commissioner is decked out in a white Armani suit, a jewel encrusted lapel pin representing his X*Crown status over the treasure trove of world titles belts. The flash photography against the pin is almost blinding. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. The positive reaction is still a little unnerving, but Sainovic smiles politely â wandering towards the ring in sync to the music with a killer swagger.
Tom Phillips: Even though the crowd is firmly behind Johnny, a respectful reaction for the defending champion.
Magnus: Well heâs going around telling everyone that heâs holding this for them-
Tom Phillips: He is.
Magnus: I would have run a Veteranâs Day special of my own!
Tom Phillips: I heard this was one of the holidays you lost in the divorce...
Magnus: No comment.
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Reaching up with his good hand, Sainovic removes the lapel pin that represents the titles â handing it to referee Luke Langley. Langley holds the pin up to Sniper, then hands it to a waiting attendant. The crowd are at a fever pitch, as Sainovic and Sniper stare across at each other.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: Thereâs the bell.
Tom Phillips: Both men proceeding cautiously, circling â sizing each other up.
Magnus: They are cagey.
Tom Phillips: Like tigers.
Magnus: I was thinking rats. One is a one armed serial killer, and the other specializes at long range. This is going to be a lot of things, but pretty isnât one of them.
The two finally meet in the centre of the ring, where Sainovic eats a jab â but powers through, forcing a headlock using his good right arm. Without both arms to apply pressure, the champion leaves himself open to some kidney shots. The forth knuckle to the side loosens the headlock enough for Sniper to shove the champion off â firing him forward into the ropes. Sainovic bounces off, coming back â Sniper goes for a closeline â but Zoran brings his arm up as well. The double closeline creates an audible SLAP â but both men stay on their feet, trying not to acknowledge the damage. As the crowd eats up the double no sell, the two men charge into the ropes and try it again for another SLAP â that again sees them on their feet. Working the crowd, Zoran holds up his index finger... âONE MORE TIME!â
Magnus: Donât encourage him!
Both men charge into the ropes, double back, only this time instead of the closeline â Sniper snaps off a dropkick. It would normally catch Zoran square in the chest, but since his sling is there â Sniper ends up nailing the injured left arm. This is enough to take the champion down to a knee. Zoran shudders with pain, this is clearly an issue. Normally the champion has been known to behave badly when provoked, but is chalking this up to an honest mistake. As such, Sainovic responds by leaping up with a closeline â which Sniper again shakes off.
Tom Phillips: Sainovic clearly teaching himself to wrestle with one arm, while both he and Sniper are known for taking substantial abuse. What weâre seeing is different from the usual X*Crown matches, but the crowd certainly enjoying this toe-to-toe jockeying.
Magnus: Get a room!
Sainovic reaches out to grapple, but Sniper hooks the arm â sending the champion into the corner with an Irish whip. Johnny then barrels after him with a shouldertackle, but Sainovic has the presence of mind to jump into the second turnbuckle and spring off for a leapfrog. Sniper hits the corner hard. Staggering out, Johnny is greeted by Zoran who goes for an Irish whip of his own â only for Sniper to shift his weight, and send Sainovic into the far ropes. Zoran rebounds, and charges back towards a closeline. As Sniper brings his arm up, Sainovic hooks it, using his momentum to sidestep the strike, and get behind, dragging the arm into a wristlock. Reaching back with his free arm, Sniper tries to grab the neck, but Zoran covers up. The next option is a blind elbow, which succeeds in breaking the wristlock, but only because it hits the injured left arm. Zoran seems to spasm.
Magnus: Sniper again going after the injured arm, good for him.
Tom Phillips: That looked innocent- I mean accidental.
Magnus: There is no such thing as good sportsmanship when it comes to the crown; it is war! Something that Sniper can teach that foreign devil.
Sniper spins around and notices Zoran favouring the cast. Rather than target the arm, Sniper starts to go for a chokeslam â but Sainovic hooks the arm. Before Zoran can pull Sniper into something, Johnny shoves him off. The shove accidentally pushes against the injured arm. Incensed, Sainovic retracts his arm and kicks Sniper in the left shin. Itâs not a lot of force, but enough that the challenger almost buckles over. A hush falls over the crowd.
Tom Phillips: Zoran not appreciating Sniper targeting the arm, and letting him know that two can play at that game.
Magnus: In his promotional video going into the title fight, Sniper made a point of mentioning how he was discharged after getting shot in his left calf.
Tom Phillips: Both men with clear targets for their opponents...
Not appreciating the threat, Sniper straight punches Zoran in the sling. Shaking in pain, Zoran tries to walk it off before walking back with another punt to Sniperâs left leg. Sniper responds with a jab. Sainovic refuses to acknowledge the pain, and kicks again. Sniper also fights through it. Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick. The hush of the crowd again turns to a MASSIVE POP as the two exchange a dozen cheap shots to their injuries, before degenerating into an all out brawl.
Tom Phillips: AND THEYâRE OFF!
Magnus: These two are both known for their bloody brawls â about time.
Sainovic takes a roundhouse right that sends him into the ropes, he charges back with a dropkick to the leg. The force is enough to buckle Sniperâs leg â fortunately for Sniper he doubles over on top of Zoran, hitting a splash in the process.
ONE!
T-big kickout!
Sainovic brings his hand down in a clubbing fashion on the left leg, slamming against it in an effort to push Sniper off of him. Sniper starts throwing back elbow after elbow, more often than not catching the sling. This frantic brawl soon turns into a rolling exchange of shots, until both men are hanging halfway out of the ring through the middle ropes. In a mounted position, Sniper digs his knuckle down into Sainovicâs tender left bicep. Reaching up with the right, Zoran fishhooks Johnny and pulls him forward â the end result sees both men spilling out to the concrete floor.
Tom Phillips: Both men now outside on the floor, but still trading shot after shot- Sainovic with a sidekick, but Sniper catches his leg.
#CRASH#
Magnus: I donât think dragonscrew legwhip is in his repertoire, but going back to basic combat defence, Sniper hit something that looked damned close to it â using the leg to pull Zoran arm first into the guardrail!
One of the soldiers hands Sniper an enhanced combat helmet. Putting the headgear on, Sniper catches a rising Sainovic with a vicious headbutt, which isnât as effective as Sgt. Slaughterâs steel number, but it busts the champ wide open. Pinning him against the guardrail, Sniper nails a repeater headbutt â with enough force that the thermoplastics actual crack at the top. Another hard edge means another dozen headbutts. When Sniper takes a step back, with nothing pinning him to the guardrail, Sainovic falls to the ground. On fire, Sniper takes off the helmet, then smashes it across the back of Zoranâs head â drawing more blood. Content with the helmet as weapon, Sniper tosses it into the ring.
Magnus: Now that is sniper using his head, and it doesnât look like Zoranâs white suit is going to be that colour for long.
Tom Phillips: The jacket is already pretty red.
Magnus: Sniper now moving in for the kill-
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At the last second, Zoran is able to get his good shoulder under Sniper, hoisting him up for a backdrop, then angling it so the challenger lands face first on the steel steps. Blood spurts out of Sniperâs nose like a faucet. Sniper tries to roll away, but Sainovic grabs the back of his head â smashing it repeatedly into the hard edge of the step. At the same time, Sainovic gets as many stomps in on the left leg as possible. As both men bleed heavily now- Zoran rolls back into the ring.
Tom Phillips: Because itâs a boot camp match, there is no need to worry about count outs, but Zoran trying to get the action back in the ring.
Magnus: He wants Sniper to follow him; with that busted arm heâd have a hard time carrying Johnny back in himself-
No sooner does Zoran crawl into the centre of the ring then-
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#THUD#
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The crowd pop HARD, as Johnny Sniper throws a rung of the steel steps over the top rope, it lands in the ring â falling on top of Zoran, and specifically landing on his pulped arm. A string of obscenities follow in Serbian. Zoran struggles to move the steps off with his one arm, without putting their weight on his injured one, while Johnny now has a visible limp.
Tom Phillips: Steps now in the ring-
Magnus: Well itâs a boot camp match, itâs about time we had some plunder. I donât know who the hell Zoran think heâs fooling with his lack of knives.
#THUD#
Tom Phillips: Zoran finally getting the steps off-
#THUD#
Tom Phillips: Only for Johnny to slam them back down, using them to pin the champion-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR-foot in the ropes.
Lifting the steps up, Sniper brings them #THUD# SMASHING down again onto Zoranâs midsection, mostly hitting his sling. Sniper then reaches down grab the sling, only for Zoran to snatch his outstretched arm, and pull him into a small package. #THUD# INTO the steel...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
T-fistful of ropes.
Both men start crawling back up to their feet, when Sniper fires off a shining wizard with his right boot. The kick catches Zoran on the chin, sending him CRASHING back into the steps. #THUD# Before Zoran can react; Sniper follows it up with a rolling senton.
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO-kickout.
Reaching down, Sniper starts to scoop Zoran up â only to get pulled into a triangle choke.
Tom Phillips: SAINOVIC WITH A TRIANGLE CHOKE!
Magnus: Damn it.
Tom Phillips: Both men are known brawlers, but when it comes to submissions â thatâs where Zoran has a serious edge.
Magnus: Luke Langley asking Sniper if he submits â Sniper turning blue, but I donât think weâre going to hear it.
Tom Phillips: On this stage, with THIS crowd? Sniper would die before throwing in the towel!
Magnus: But if he blacks out? Langley wouldnât have a choice.
#THUD#
Tom Phillips: Sniper trying to break the hold by getting Sainovic in the air and DROPPING him on those steel steps-
#THUD#
Magnus: Itâs like music to my ears-
#THUD#
Tom Phillips: But Sainovic showing no signs of letting go-
#THUD#
Magnus: Four times a charm!
Tom Phillips: Zoran finally relents, and Sniper now on the canvas desperately trying to catch his breathes. Wait, Zoran with the one arm â pulling him into a makeshift- KNEEBREAKER INTO THE OVERTURNED STEPS!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
T-shoulder up!
Dragging Sniper back up to his feet, Sainovic fires him into the corner â setting up a Scorpion kick. The limp with which Sniper staggers across the ring throws off the timing though, and the veteran is able to come out with a shotgun dropkick! The crowd pop HARD.
Tom Phillips: LOCK âN LOAD! This could be it-
An exhausted Sniper starts to reach down for Zoran, only to have Sainovic try to kick him off from a prone position. Kneeling on the kicking legs, a crouched Sniper his a HEART PUNCH â only Sainovic would welcome the heart attack, as his left forearm currently covers the spot. Hitting the canvas hard, Sainovic goes into some Apollo Creed death spasms.
Magnus: I donât even care that J-ROK is getting the crown! Let âem choke on it! Good riddance!
Tom Phillips: Sniper limping a few steps back, what is he doing-
Magnus: Waiting for Sainovic to slowly rise- this can only be-
The crowd are electric as Johnny Sniper charges as best he can for the-
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Tom Phillips: KILLSHOT!!!!!!!!!!
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Magnus: Damn it.
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Tom Phillips: Zoran with that helmet-
Grabbing the early enhanced combat helmet, Sainovic smashes it into Sniperâs incoming leg â then manages to shove it behind his kneecap, before twisting the leg around into a half-Boston. The helmet wedged against the leg as a further counterweight to pull against, Zoran goes to town.
Tom Phillips: Sainovic with a weapon assisted half-Boston, looks like he could pop Sniperâs kneecap completely out of joint if he doesnât submit.
Magnus: But Sniper is never going to submit, and even if he reaches the ropes, that sadistic bastard doesnât have to let go.
The veteran flails around, his face covered in blood. Luke Langley asks for the submission, but Sniper desperately waves him off. Finally reaching back enough to slap the arm. Zoran grits his teeth but holds on. Another slap. Now more of a fist. Trying to contort his hip, Sniper reaches back â getting hold of something, and pulls with all his strength. A few of the bolts shoot off of Zoranâs brace, as the sling is tugged hard.
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Tom Phillips: JOHNNY SNIPER WITH A FISTFUL OF SLING, SOMEHOW MANAGES TO FORCE THE BREAK!
Magnus: Somehow? He damn near ripped Zoranâs arm out of the socket.
Both men fall to the canvas; Zoran favours his arm, trying to reposition it in the sling. Unable to move his leg, Johnny grabs the broken helmet and smashes it across the back of Zoranâs head. Crawling with on knee, Sniper gets behind the champion-
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Tom Phillips: Sniper from behind pulls the SLING away from Zoranâs arm, letting the damaged arm fall limply the side â and â
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Magnus: THATâS THE SPIRIT!
Tom Phillips: Sniper from behind using the sling to choke Zoran out!
Magnus: With these rules, there is NO WAY Zoran has an escape!
The crowd are on the edge of their seats as Zoran fades fast. With only one arm to defend himself, there is no way to remove the sling that digs into his throat. He tries desperately to kick off, but with Sniperâs leg grounded, the two are basically stuck in a seated position. As the struggle continues, the attempt become lesser, and lesser- until it looks like Zoran is resigned to his fate-
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Then he gets a foot on the dislodged steel steps, and manages to get his feet higher up in the air. Using them to walk almost vertically into a flip-
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Magnus: FU-
Tom Phillips: SEATED INTO BICYCLE KNEESTRIKE!
Catching Sniperâs temple with his knee, the force is enough for the sling to go slack. As Sniper falls backwards, Zoran manages to turn for the cover-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The left leg is impossibly close to the ropes, but doesnât have the ability to get into them.
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DING! DING! DING!
A hush falls over the crowd.
Stella Starr: The winner of this match, and STILL X*Crown CHAMPION,
ZORAN SAINOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The two men lie dead on the canvas.
After the initial disappointment that one of their own didnât win passes, the crowd begin to clap. This applause seems to rouse the competitors from their corpselike state.
Magnus: I donât care for this at all.
Tom Phillips: Cheer up Magnus, thereâs always next time. At our Pregiving, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, or Cyber Monday show. Have we set a date?
Magnus: I have to consult with my lawyers to see which one I didnât lose to Fury...
Using his right hand to climb the ropes, Zoran Sainovic fights up to his feet. Noticing just how rough Sniperâs left leg it, the X*Crown champion staggers over â and reaches down, offering his hand. Taking it, Sniper gets back up on his right leg. The grasp then shifts into a handshake. For all the blood spilt, a respect. At this show of sportsmanship, the crowd burst into a âGUNSâ chant. With his working arm, Zoran points to Johnny Sniper letting his peers hoot and holler their appreciation for an epic performance.
Magnus: I think Iâm going to be sick.
Tom Phillips: For my colleagues, Magnus, Tom Berenger, and all the XHF superstars that came out to show their support â thank you for joining us. Once again GUNS wishing a pleasant holiday to all our veterans.
The final image is of Sainovic and Sniper standing in the ring, before fading to black.
When the time finally passes, the performers break rank for their makeshift locker room, while Sylvia Starr remains with microphone in hand.
Sylvia Starr: At this time, please welcome EXP EDITION for the singing of the star spangled banner...
Starr exits, as four non-Koreans enter the ring. Yes, the K-Pop group without any Koreans in it. Fortunately the Star-Spangled Banner is in English, which is when EXP EDITION is at their best... since theyâre still learning Korean.
Sime: #OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE!!!#
The camera continues to pan around the crowd, getting images of soldiers standing at the ready, as EXP Edition sing away. I could post all the lyrics here, but Iâm going to assume we all know most of them. Though the troops probably would have preferred a Korean K-pop group, there arenât too many disrespectful rapping variations, so they decide to consider this a win.
Frankie: #And the HOOOME OF THE BRAAAAAAAAAVE?#
As the band finishes, fireworks explode â signalling a start to the show.
GUNS For The Troops
Veteran's Day Special
Friday, November 11, 2022
The camera pans from the light show overhead to the announce position at ringside, where Tom Phillips has been joined by a familiar Platoon face.
Tom Phillips: Welcome everyone to GUNS veteranâs Day Special! We are LIVE from Camp Henry in Daegu, South Korea â where are looking forward to giving back to the brave persons in our Armed Forces.
Tom Berenger: Should be a great time-
Tom Phillips: The event has been organized by X*Crown champion Zoran Sainovic â both out of his passion for the holiday, and feeling snubbed for being left off our Halloween show. The event will be capped with an X*Crown defence against J-Rokâs Johnny Sniper â and SPEAKING of SNIPERS â I have been joined on commentary by the star of Sniper 8: Assassinâs End, Mister Tom Berenger!
Tom Berenger: It is a great honour to be part of this-
Tom Phillips: I loved you in Looking for Mr. Goodbar!
Tom Berenger: Thatâs unfortunate, Tom.
Tom Phillips: So speaking as a Sniper, what do you think of Johnnyâs chances tonight?
Tom Berenger: Well, Iâm here as a guest of Zoran â so Iâd rather not weigh in, but gun to my head â I think weâre looking at a new champion!
Magnus: Youâre in my seat.
Magnus and O.B.R.C. approach the commentary table.
Tom Berenger: I was told to-
Tom Phillips: Magnus! I wasnât expecting you to be invited.
Magnus: I donât need an invite; itâs my damned company!
Tom Berenger: I donât think weâve met, Iâm-
Magnus: Stow it, Tom Berenger! This show already has one too many Snipers for my taste. Get him out of here-
Tom Berenger: Now wait just a-
O.B.R.C. grips the older thespianâs arm with one of his foil-covered clamps. The security guard escorting Berenger away, much to the dismay of he crowd. Fortunately this Roboto Cop is Off Brand, and just sloppy enough at his job that Tom Berenger gets an arm free to sucker punch Magnus with.
*CHEAP SHOT POP*
Reclaiming his commentary seat, Magnus rubs his jaw in pain. O.B.R.C. escorts Berenger out, while the crowd holler their approval for the Platoon star cameo. Way better than EXP EDITION.
Magnus: GOD DAMNED TOM BERENGER!
Tom Phillips: Sounds like a new name for your enemy list. Well, Snipers are now 1-0 against GUNS, can Johnny make it 2-0?
Magnus: I hope Sniper permanently cripples Zoran. I can put on a way better USO show than that foreign devil. In fact, I might have a few surprise segments of my own...
Tom Phillips: Like a distinguished actor shoving an off-brand robot off the entrance ramp?
Magnus: Damn it.
The camera cuts to the entranceway, where paramedics attempt to reboot Roboto Cop. Wandering around bend them are J-RoKâs Mitsuo Shimada, Gregory Murphy and Florida Man.
Gregory Murphy: âŠI canât believe the level of access that Yamaguchi is able to offer. It is very impressive.
Florida Man: Believe it, Murphy-san! Yamaguchi Travel Agency has amazing packages, if you or Mitsuo-san wants the U.S. Military experience? Just call your friends at the YTA-
The trioâs happy vacation advertisement is soon halted by Military Police.
M.P.: How did you get back here?
Mitsuo Shimada gives Florida Man a dirty, knowing look. The coked out Floridian simply shrugs.
Florida Man: Yamaguchi only promises to get you inside a military base, after they sneak you in, itâs up to you not to get caught...
Gregory Murphy: Man you suck.
Florida Man: I get that a lot...
As the J-RoK stars are led off by military police, we cut to a secluded part of the base. The two members of Off the Wagon, Kris Quake and Randy Angel stand hidden behind one of the tents.
Randy: Usually your logic is sound Trips, but you got us clearance onto a US Military base just to try and break out?
Quake: Yes.
Angel: But why?
Quake: BTS tickets of course.
Randy: Wouldnât it have been easier to fly directly there and get a room in town?
Quake: With as much as these BTS tickets costed I need a way to get here free and get paid for it.
Randy: That makes sense.
Quake: Now that you get it put these fatigues on and I got a copy of base leave papers for us.
The duo each go behind different stacks of boxes and come out in full army fatigues. Quake pulls two sheets of paper out of one of the many pockets in his new outfit and produces shore leave papers filled out in crayon and signed by âCaptain Crunch.â Happy with themselves the duo walk towards the base exit. They stop to be checked out at the post and the young soldier there seems excited to see them.
Soldier: Oh man. I love you guys. Dressed in full fatigues for the event. Canât wait to see what youâre up to. Oh, youâre leaving tho? Will you make it back in time.
Quake clears his throat and speaks with a little bass in his voice.
Quake: Of course young soldier. Weâre just heading into town forâŠ
Randy: âŠsuppliesâŠ
Quake: âŠyes, supplies.
Solider: Oh great. I hope I get off in time to see your part in the show.
The soldier waves as the walk freely through the barricade and he calls after them.
Soldier: Drink a lotâŠresponsibly!
The two walk quicker and quicker and fade out of sight.
We return to ringside, where we see that a table has been set up in the ring with a chair either side, in which sit Crypto Bro and Doug from the ring crew. Between them is a familiar looking licensed boardgame.
Magnus: And now it's time for what's sure to be a standout contest, The Battleship Battle!
Tom Phillips: This is your surprise addition?
Magnus: Yes.
Tom Phillips: So do they have to hit each other with the Batttleship set or something?
Magnus: What? No. They just play Battleship.
Tom Phillips: ...That doesn't sound like it'll make for good TV.
Magnus: I have my reasons, Tom.
BATTLESHIP MATCH
Crypto Bro Vs. DOUG... from the ring crew
The crowd look perplexed, but start to cheer as the NCIS theme starts playing and everyone's favourite actor playing an investigator of the bizarrely high number of serious crimes linked to the US navy Mark Harmon makes his way down the ramp.
Magnus: And here's our special guest referee for the contest!
Tom Phillips: You got an actual celebrity on this show?!
Magnus: CBS are aware of the XHF's popularity and wanted to promote NCIS's 20th season with a crossover. With GUNS doing this tribute to the troops Mongo knew it made sense for Mr. Harmon to appear here.
Tom Phillips: You brought in the biggest guest star to one-up Zoran ...then Mongo told you not to screw this up so you put him in the least dangerous segment you could think of, huh?
Magnus: ...Yes.
The prospect of watching two jobbers playing a tactical guessing game enhanced by the presence of an elderly TV star, the men and women of the US armed forces break out into a 'GIBBS!!!' chant and Mr. Harmon gets into position to adjudicate. Having won the backstage coin toss via his Doge Coin flipping app, Crypto Bro prepares to make the first move. Before he can do so, however, the crowd murmur in surprise as a figure emerges from under the ring and slides in beneath the bottom rope...
ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE HEAD OF MARK HARMON!!!
Magnus: No!!!
Tom Phillips: Oh dear!
Unsurprisingly for a 71 year old, Harmon goes down in a heap from the blow. Both participants in the Battleship Battle jump up in shock. The attacker judges Crypto Bro the bigger threat, or perhaps just hates tech bros more, and nails him with a pump kick that uppercuts his jaw to knock him out. Doug turns to flee, only to get grabbed and Snap Dragon Suplex'd.
Tom Phillips: Hey, I know those moves!
Magnus: What is he doing here?!
Sure enough, as the servicemen and women boos rain down on him, the figure lowers his hood and removes his face mask to reveal none other than Bloodied Fox. Grabbing the mic that was set to the table to pick up the competitors' moves, Fox goes to the ropes and leans over, looking directly at the commentary table.
Fox: Hey Magnus, I'd say I'm sorry for ruining your little PR event here, but we both know it'd be a lie. Guess that almost makes us even for you nearly getting me murdered by Zoran, hmmm?
Fox gives GUNS owner an insincere smile and the middle finger as the crowd tell him how little they think of his actions.
Tom Phillips: He does kind of have a point there.
Magnus: Oh come on, Zoran's tried to murder nearly everyone in the XHF at some point! You don't see them assaulting celebrity cameos over it!
Done with Magnus and ignoring the audience, Fox turns to face the entranceway.
Fox: Speaking of Zoran, all this is a message for him. You can keep running from me, old man, but sooner or later your time will be up. If your one armed arse can make it past your hand-picked tomato can Johnny Sniper...
The crowd's boos intensify at that uncalled for insult to a decorated veteran.
Fox: ...and Steve Awesome fucks it all up at Supremacy, then you can rest assured that come January I will be there to bury you one and for all and claim the crown. Hell, even if you don't have it, I'll be there to make sure you're done. This time there'll be no stupid gimmick to banana peel me, no bullshit win condition so you can get lucky. It'll end in either pinfall or submission. I will rid the XHF Network, and more importantly myself, of you once and for all.
Magnus: Strong words there from Fox to the X*Crown champion.
Tom Phillips: They've been feuding for two and a half years. I don't think soft words are an option.
Fox: Until then though I've got other business to attend to, by which I mean that worthless sack of corporate bootlicker shit Marty Donovan. Marty, you've been sticking your nose into my business way more than is healthy for you or tolerable for me. Since I can't end the year by ending Zoran, how about I end you instead? You against me at Supremacy, Marty. Prove you've got some guts and pick up the gauntlet, because I can't wait to spill them all over the canvas. Hell, I won't even ask you to put your HKW title on the line. Why would I? It's worth even less than you!
His messages sent, Fox throws down the mic and exits the ring to a chorus of boos and jeers. Walking back up the ramp he smirks and exchanges insults with the nearest fans as he makes his way to the back. Magnus sighs.
Magnus: Mongo's never gonna let me have a celebrity on ever again.
Tom Phillips: Maybe you can lend CBS Goldbear II to be a recurring villain?
Magnus: Bears are the heroes, Tom. The heroes.
Meanwhile, in the back the military police have done what they do best â force Florida Man, Gregory Murphy and Mitsuo Shimada to peel potatoes so that they can think about the merits of following the rules, and also provide the vegetable portion of the eveningâs meal. The three J-RoK stars find themselves in some barracks next to a few thousand potatoes. As Mitsuo and Murphy are working together, their peeled pile clearly dwarfs that of the Florida Man.
Florida Man: Leave it to Yamaguchi to provide activities in keeping with the packageâs theme. When it comes to travel, who can you turn to but Yama-
Mitsuo Shimada throws a potato at Florida Manâs head.
YTA Championship Match
Potato Peeler Death Match
Florida Man (c) vs. Mitsuo Shimada
Florida Man responds by trying to stab Shimada with his potato peeler. Mitsuo ducks, leaving only a potato for Florida Man to peel. Accidentally peeling one from Shimada & Murphyâs pile, greatly vexes the deranged Floridian.
Magnus: Wait, an actual match broke out?
Tom Phillips: The YTA championship being determined... by who can peel the most potatoes?
With Shimada clearly winning the race, Florida Man keeps his calm, returning to his stool to keep cracking. Math was never his strong point, but it seems to Flo that Shimada has a hundred to every one cut by the Sunshine State Kid. Perhaps he can outsource this gig to the Heroes for Hire? Cold stares suggest they arenât interested in the money.
Tom Phillips: Florida Man busts out his food stamps, but the Heroes for Hire arenât tempted-
Magnus: No sign of Gazoo, and this is the one contest where having the extra hands would help.
Realizing that Shimada is hours away from claiming the YTA title, versus the days it would take Florida to retain â the gator faced luchador tries to use his tail the shove a few hundred potatoes onto the Heroesâ pile. Taking exception to this, Shimada stabs his peeler into Floridaâs tail, pinning the champion in his place. FML nails Shimada with a roundhouse right, only to be knocked back with an âEAT THIS!â which sends the two sprawling into a heap of Potatoes. As the two roll around on the floor trading stiff punches, Florida tries to smash as many Shimadaâs peeled efforts as possible.
Tom Phillips: Florida Man with a fistful of tail, trying to use that potato peeler lodged in his lower half to stab Shimada in the face-
Magnus: -But Shimada reverses. There is something to be said for being physically fit, and uses the sharp peeler to pin Floridaâs tail to his chest.
Tom Phillips: There is a lot of blood getting into those mashed potatoes-
Magnus: Florida Man pulling out his trusty Darwin Award, smashes Shimada in the forehead â busting him wide open. Now heading after Murphy-
Before he can reach Shimadaâs mouthpiece, a drop toehold sends Florida Man crashing to the floor â face first into the trophy. The impact busts the gatorâs snout in half.
Magnus: Shimada bleeding heavily from the back of the head, looks concussed.
Tom Phillips: Florida Man trying to pull the challenger back down to the floor, but Shimada responds by throwing over a pile of potatoes â crushing Florida Man under a few thousand.
Magnus: And hereâs the follow-up â THE FINALE!
Tom Phillips: There are too many potatoes on top of him to see if it hit, but some part of Florida Man must feel dead after that.
Magnus: If this match had pinfalls, you know that Shimada would be the new YTA champion-
Tom Phillips: As it stands, hopefully Florida Man has been knocked out to the point where Shimada and Murphy can peel their potatoes in peace.
Pulling their stools back up to the piles for the sake of discord quotes, Shimada and Murphy begin peeling again. They maybe get through four, before a scaly claw emerges from the potato mass, grabbing Shimada by the ankle.
Magnus: Florida still with a little life left in him, takes Shimada over with a giant swing!
Tom Phillips: How many times can they spin? Iâm getting dizzy just looking at them.
Magnus: Letâs just hope they donât throw up â that would be even less sanitary than the litres of blood they are currently garnishing the food with...
Swinging Shimada like a hammer, Florida Man squashes mound after mound of potatoes into paste. By the time heâs finished, it wonât look like the Heroes peeled any at all. Unfortunately for the Wild Man, trying to seek out a larger pile to smash leaves him open to a Shimada Special Frankensteiner.
Magnus: Shimada with his patent-
The signal breaks, as Florida Man is sent crashing into the camera.
Magnus: Well, that was almost a match. From a rival promotion no less! Some commissioner.
Tom Phillips: The next contest should be something VERY special-
Magnus: What is it- oh. Why the hell are we giving this away now? Save it for a season finale-
Tom Phillips: Wombat requested it.
LA Wombat is already standing in the ring. You see, his legs are stocky, so Wombat tries to make his way down the ramp on the down low so as not to draw attention to his freakish proportions. Even when paying tribute to his late wife, Wombat still doesnât rate an entrance.
Stella Starr: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a TRIBUTE to the life of the late Ms. Wombat, already in the ring â her husband. And his opponent...
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the hand just slightly crackling with electricity.
If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me; don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me; keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Think you control me; don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me; keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus.
Tom Phillips: Betty Wombat was eaten by Dinosaur Bones on our Halloween special-
Magnus: You donât come back from that.
Tom Phillips: -And her husband wanted to put on a contest, which in his words, focused on the in-ring action she loved, and less on the stupid killer reptiles. For a tribute like that, there was only one bitter rival he could call.
He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up them and gets into the ring, standing in the center.
Stella Starr: And now in the ring at this time... HE STANDS AT SIX-FEET-THREE-INCHES TALL, and weighed in tonight at a slim TWO-HUNDRED-AND-SEVEN-POUNDS, he is the SUPREME PILLAR OF VIOLENCE, the BOSTON CYBORG MANIAC, THE DAAAAAAAAAEMON! OF MAAAAAAAYHEM! DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN! BLAAAAAAAAAACK!
Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start. Completely ignoring the grieving widower on the other side of the ring.
Magnus: Iâm not sure about the athletic purity if youâre bringing the hardcore champ into it-
Tom Phillips: The last two matches these two put on were match of the year contenders, and with such emotional stakes? This should be something special.
Ms. Wombat Memorial Match
La Authentica Wombat vs. Dylan Black
The two rivals begin to lock-up when the screen cuts to black.
THE FOLLOWING MATCH HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY THE NEW DISNEY WORLD ORDER.
(The shot fades up on a wrestling ring in the center of Toy Story Land at Walt Disney World. A crowd dressed to resemble green army men surround all sides. In one corner stands Marty Donovan, cosplaying Steve Rogers in his WWII uniform. On the other side of the ring is Dana âThe Droneâ Daniels, a scrawny middle aged jobber. Instead of Danaâs usual bee singlet, he wears a Serbian flag themed one. A commentary track plays over this pretaped match that is clearly Martyâs poor attempt at a Jim Ross Impression.)
Not JR: Folks youâre just in time for a slobberknocker! The unanimously beloved Marty Donovan is about to get it on with The Blade of Belgrade! This is title for title!
(The match official, by which I mean someone in a Buzz Lightyear Costume with a ref shirt awkwardly put on over the wings, calls for the bell. Marty confidently stomps forward as Danaâs knees shake in terror.)
Not JR: Look at the fear in the eyes of that Serbian scum! He knows that Donovan is undefeated in this great sport.
(Dana pulls out a prop knife and begins to repeatedly stab Marty, who just laughs at him.)
Not JR: BY GAWD! EVEN THE SHARPEST BLADE IS NO MATCH FOR MARTY!
(Marty wraps a hand around Danaâs neck and lifts him above his head. He slams the jobber to the mat and places a boot on him. The ref makes the three count.)
NOT JR: CHOKESLAM! SPINE ON THE PINE! THE FINAL BOSS JUST GOT A PINK SLIP!
(Buzz hands Marty the Hardkore World Championship and a child replica of the 24/7 title. Marty tosses the puny championship to a cast member dressed as Sid in the front row.)
Not JR: Well it looks like the little hooligan has got some new scrap metal to play with.
( Gaston, Jafar, Captain Hook, and Shaun Yu rush the ring. They put the boots to Marty who does the Hogan drop to one knee âbumpâ.)
Not JR: The foreign freaks have rushed the ring! Somebody stop the damn match!
(âDragulaâ by Rob Zombie plays as the crowd roars in excitement. Mister Rip N. Terror speeds out in his terrifying power wheel, but he accidentally drives one of the wheels off the entrance ramp and gets stuck. Ollie Oldham, dressed as Peggy Carter and choking back tears of laughter, runs out and gets the a car unstuck for Tinto.)
Not JR: MISTER RIP N. TERROR! WHOSE SIDE IS HE ON?
( Tinto enters the ring as the four heels watch nervously. The little fiend opens his coat to reveal the inside lining is the American flag. The crowd cheers as Marty and Rip beat up the villains, who head for the hills.)
Not JR: Theyâre running like scalded dogs! This is our country's finest hour!
( Confetti falls as Kitty Kallenâs "Itâs Been A Long, Long Time" plays. Marty and Ollie slow dance in the ring as the army men give a standing ovation.)
Not JR: Folks, I can honestly say that was the greatest wrestling match I have ever seen. You might as well change the channel now. Youâre not going to see any action like that on GUNS. I heard their former commissioner is a crook too. No sir, if you ask me, CAR is much better. This is Mike Tenay, signing off.
(The shot fades out as the couple continues to sway. For some reason, Tinto is headbanging.)
The signal finally returns to Camp Henry.
Tom Phillips: THIS IS THE GREATEST MATCH I HAVE EVER SEEN!
If you didnât resent Marty Donovan for trolling the broadcast before, you sure do now. Youâre starting to hope that Zoran Sainovic stabs him again.
Magnus: I donât know how theyâre still going...
Apparently having just finished an exhausting exchange of the most poetic chain-wrestling you will never see, Dylan Black has finally had enough and gestures a throat slit. The crowd erupt.
Tom Phillips: Black calling for Demonic Venom!
Magnus: He canât handle Demonic Venom!
Tom Phillips: The crowd eating it up!
Demonic Venom chants start up across the military base. Dylan Black looks like heâs once again going to chop of Wombatâs head to set up the rematch that everyone wants to see.
Tom Phillips: At our season 3 finale, Dylan Black murdered L.A. Wombat to get another shot at Demonic Venom. Will Wombat be joining his wife in the afterlife?
Magnus: Too soon!
Wombat shakes his head in frustration, but Dylan Black moves in for the kill. As there is no reasoning with him, Wombat throws his arms up and leaves.
Magnus: Huh?
The crowd jeer, but referee Johnny Cobb has no choice but to make the ten count.
Tom Phillips: Right before she died, Ms. Wombat forced L.A. to promise heâd never become the unwitting host to Venom again... and trying to honour his late wifeâs wishes, takes the count out rather than give in to the crowd.
Magnus: What a killjoy.
DING! DING! DING!
Stellar Starr: The winner of this match... as the result of a count out,
DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!
Dylan Black looks less than pleased at the finish, for his opponentâs part; from the entranceway La Authentica seems ready to strangle the hardcore champion.
Tom Phillips: Still a lot of bad blood between these two-
Magnus: Could we be seeing one more rematch? In which case, it better be on pay per view!
The feed cuts to another videographer around the far barracks, walking alongside an M.P. The two approach a steel door that has pink ooze spilling out underneath it. The M.P. opens the door â and is almost knocked over by a wave of pink potato slurry. Inside Florida Man and Mitsuo Shimada continue to exchange vicious shots, their faces looking like hamburger. No easy feat, considering that one of them is wearing a mask. Murphy sticks to the walls, trying to avoid the carnage.
Tom Phillips: Theyâre still going at it-
Magnus: But are there any potatoes left to count?
Florida Man charges at Mitsuo Shimada with a GFC Special, but Shimada blocks â then forearm smashes him off. Charging in, Shimada starts to go for an inverted tornado DDT â but Florida manages to put the breaks on, shifting his weight to hit the-
Tom Phillips: MURPHYâS LAW!
Shimada is left face down in the pink slurry. Florida Man looks ready to bite Murphy, but instead fishes his claws down into the disgusting paste. After a second he pulls out two peeled potatoes. Barely able to stand, FML staggers over to the M.P.
M.P.: I donât want those â no one can eat this crap.
The two are enough to take it though.
Stella Starr: The winner of this match, and STILL YTA Champion-
FLORIDAAAAAAAAAA MAAAAAAAN!
From the ring, Stella announces the result â to at least calm the crowd after the previous count out finish.
M.P.: Well, you ruined the meal weâd planned for this evening â I hope youâre happy, Florida Man.
Florida Man: Damn skippy.
With this last note of defiance, Florida Man passes out next to Mitsuo Shimada â both face down in the slurry.
Magnus: I hope they drown.
Tom Phillips: Pretty sure Murphy can help Shimada, but yeah, if he inhales enough of that crap, this might be the last time Florida Man terrorizes one of our shows.
Back in the ring, Stella Starr continues to work the crowd â now with a T-shirt gun in hand.
Stella Starr: Who needs potatoes, when we have Baconators for everyone!
Lifting the cannon, Stella fires baconators out of it into the crowd-
-Only for Dinosaur Bones to run around ringside, gulping them down out of the air.
Stella Starr: There is enough for everyone-
Dinosaur Bones: SHOWS WHAT YOU APES KNOW!
Stella moves quickly targeting different spots in the crowd for this fast food barrage, but Bones continues to stomp in the way â stealing food from the troops. He is in such a rush, the dracolich doesnât notice the young man behind him...
XHF Phoenix Championship
Dinosaur Bones (c) vs. Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy
Like many of Bones title defences, he doesnât realize there is a match, or that his opponent is a stain under his foot.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Stella Starr: The winner of this match and STILL XHF Phoenix Champion,
DINOSAUR BONESSSSS!
While sheâs announcing the winner, Stella fires a hamburger off in the opposite direction â finally getting one of the baconators to the troops. She considers this a personal victory. The crowd are more incensed at the bugle boy looking like a pancake.
Company B: Letâs get him!
Not unlike the intro seen to Pacman, a large troop chases Bones off screen. Then a second later he chases them back, chomping away. As the chaos leaves ringside, Stella pulls out her last set of cue cards.
Stella Starr: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a BOOT CAMP match for the XHF X*Crown and is your MAIN EVENT of the evening!
The crowd pop hard at the prospect of an X*Crown defence.
Stella Starr: Entering first the challenger...
Stella Starr: Representing J-RoK, he stands at 6â2â, weighs in at 217lbs, and comes to us from Parris Island, South Carolina â please give a very warm round of applause to...
JOHNNY SNIPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The veteran gets a heroes welcome as he comes out of the back. Stepping through the curtain, Sniper is sporting his camo pants, brown boots, green wrist tape. Soaking in the cheers, he points to the tattoo of the Marine Corp insignia on his left shoulder, before raising his fist in the air for another volley of fireworks and wave of cheers. As Sniper makes his way down the aisle, slapping hands, a Sniper chant rises throughout the base.
Tom Phillips: XHFâs celebrated veteran being chosen by the champion for his first defence.
Magnus: Huge mistake. Zoran spent last month being ground to a pulp, while sniper is relatively fresh. The commissionerâs ego has finally got him in over his head.
Tom Phillips: Sniper is a former AWF United States champion, heâs proven he has the pedigree to get gold in the XHF â and nothing would make this crowd happier. Except maybe some showgirls doing-
Magnus: Damn it Tom, until we run Zoran out of the fed you have to be the responsible announcer.
Tom Phillips: Sorry.
Magnus: Knock off the horny sex predator bit. Am I going to have to make you change your name?
Tom Phillips: No sir.
Magnus: Because even if we call you Hannifan, youâre still going to have to go door to door registering as an offender.
Stella Starr: And the champion- standing at 6â1â, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia â please give a warm round of applause for...
THE FINAL BOSS â
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder
One of the four beasts saying,
'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"
âWhen the Man Comes Aroundâ by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
A single gloved hand holds back the curtains. Zoran Sainovic exits through them to a surprising number of cheers. The former commissioner is decked out in a white Armani suit, a jewel encrusted lapel pin representing his X*Crown status over the treasure trove of world titles belts. The flash photography against the pin is almost blinding. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. The positive reaction is still a little unnerving, but Sainovic smiles politely â wandering towards the ring in sync to the music with a killer swagger.
Tom Phillips: Even though the crowd is firmly behind Johnny, a respectful reaction for the defending champion.
Magnus: Well heâs going around telling everyone that heâs holding this for them-
Tom Phillips: He is.
Magnus: I would have run a Veteranâs Day special of my own!
Tom Phillips: I heard this was one of the holidays you lost in the divorce...
Magnus: No comment.
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Reaching up with his good hand, Sainovic removes the lapel pin that represents the titles â handing it to referee Luke Langley. Langley holds the pin up to Sniper, then hands it to a waiting attendant. The crowd are at a fever pitch, as Sainovic and Sniper stare across at each other.
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
BOOT CAMP MATCH
Zoran Sainovic (c) vs. Johnny Sniper
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: Thereâs the bell.
Tom Phillips: Both men proceeding cautiously, circling â sizing each other up.
Magnus: They are cagey.
Tom Phillips: Like tigers.
Magnus: I was thinking rats. One is a one armed serial killer, and the other specializes at long range. This is going to be a lot of things, but pretty isnât one of them.
The two finally meet in the centre of the ring, where Sainovic eats a jab â but powers through, forcing a headlock using his good right arm. Without both arms to apply pressure, the champion leaves himself open to some kidney shots. The forth knuckle to the side loosens the headlock enough for Sniper to shove the champion off â firing him forward into the ropes. Sainovic bounces off, coming back â Sniper goes for a closeline â but Zoran brings his arm up as well. The double closeline creates an audible SLAP â but both men stay on their feet, trying not to acknowledge the damage. As the crowd eats up the double no sell, the two men charge into the ropes and try it again for another SLAP â that again sees them on their feet. Working the crowd, Zoran holds up his index finger... âONE MORE TIME!â
Magnus: Donât encourage him!
Both men charge into the ropes, double back, only this time instead of the closeline â Sniper snaps off a dropkick. It would normally catch Zoran square in the chest, but since his sling is there â Sniper ends up nailing the injured left arm. This is enough to take the champion down to a knee. Zoran shudders with pain, this is clearly an issue. Normally the champion has been known to behave badly when provoked, but is chalking this up to an honest mistake. As such, Sainovic responds by leaping up with a closeline â which Sniper again shakes off.
Tom Phillips: Sainovic clearly teaching himself to wrestle with one arm, while both he and Sniper are known for taking substantial abuse. What weâre seeing is different from the usual X*Crown matches, but the crowd certainly enjoying this toe-to-toe jockeying.
Magnus: Get a room!
Sainovic reaches out to grapple, but Sniper hooks the arm â sending the champion into the corner with an Irish whip. Johnny then barrels after him with a shouldertackle, but Sainovic has the presence of mind to jump into the second turnbuckle and spring off for a leapfrog. Sniper hits the corner hard. Staggering out, Johnny is greeted by Zoran who goes for an Irish whip of his own â only for Sniper to shift his weight, and send Sainovic into the far ropes. Zoran rebounds, and charges back towards a closeline. As Sniper brings his arm up, Sainovic hooks it, using his momentum to sidestep the strike, and get behind, dragging the arm into a wristlock. Reaching back with his free arm, Sniper tries to grab the neck, but Zoran covers up. The next option is a blind elbow, which succeeds in breaking the wristlock, but only because it hits the injured left arm. Zoran seems to spasm.
Magnus: Sniper again going after the injured arm, good for him.
Tom Phillips: That looked innocent- I mean accidental.
Magnus: There is no such thing as good sportsmanship when it comes to the crown; it is war! Something that Sniper can teach that foreign devil.
Sniper spins around and notices Zoran favouring the cast. Rather than target the arm, Sniper starts to go for a chokeslam â but Sainovic hooks the arm. Before Zoran can pull Sniper into something, Johnny shoves him off. The shove accidentally pushes against the injured arm. Incensed, Sainovic retracts his arm and kicks Sniper in the left shin. Itâs not a lot of force, but enough that the challenger almost buckles over. A hush falls over the crowd.
Tom Phillips: Zoran not appreciating Sniper targeting the arm, and letting him know that two can play at that game.
Magnus: In his promotional video going into the title fight, Sniper made a point of mentioning how he was discharged after getting shot in his left calf.
Tom Phillips: Both men with clear targets for their opponents...
Not appreciating the threat, Sniper straight punches Zoran in the sling. Shaking in pain, Zoran tries to walk it off before walking back with another punt to Sniperâs left leg. Sniper responds with a jab. Sainovic refuses to acknowledge the pain, and kicks again. Sniper also fights through it. Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick. The hush of the crowd again turns to a MASSIVE POP as the two exchange a dozen cheap shots to their injuries, before degenerating into an all out brawl.
Tom Phillips: AND THEYâRE OFF!
Magnus: These two are both known for their bloody brawls â about time.
Sainovic takes a roundhouse right that sends him into the ropes, he charges back with a dropkick to the leg. The force is enough to buckle Sniperâs leg â fortunately for Sniper he doubles over on top of Zoran, hitting a splash in the process.
ONE!
T-big kickout!
Sainovic brings his hand down in a clubbing fashion on the left leg, slamming against it in an effort to push Sniper off of him. Sniper starts throwing back elbow after elbow, more often than not catching the sling. This frantic brawl soon turns into a rolling exchange of shots, until both men are hanging halfway out of the ring through the middle ropes. In a mounted position, Sniper digs his knuckle down into Sainovicâs tender left bicep. Reaching up with the right, Zoran fishhooks Johnny and pulls him forward â the end result sees both men spilling out to the concrete floor.
Tom Phillips: Both men now outside on the floor, but still trading shot after shot- Sainovic with a sidekick, but Sniper catches his leg.
#CRASH#
Magnus: I donât think dragonscrew legwhip is in his repertoire, but going back to basic combat defence, Sniper hit something that looked damned close to it â using the leg to pull Zoran arm first into the guardrail!
One of the soldiers hands Sniper an enhanced combat helmet. Putting the headgear on, Sniper catches a rising Sainovic with a vicious headbutt, which isnât as effective as Sgt. Slaughterâs steel number, but it busts the champ wide open. Pinning him against the guardrail, Sniper nails a repeater headbutt â with enough force that the thermoplastics actual crack at the top. Another hard edge means another dozen headbutts. When Sniper takes a step back, with nothing pinning him to the guardrail, Sainovic falls to the ground. On fire, Sniper takes off the helmet, then smashes it across the back of Zoranâs head â drawing more blood. Content with the helmet as weapon, Sniper tosses it into the ring.
Magnus: Now that is sniper using his head, and it doesnât look like Zoranâs white suit is going to be that colour for long.
Tom Phillips: The jacket is already pretty red.
Magnus: Sniper now moving in for the kill-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
At the last second, Zoran is able to get his good shoulder under Sniper, hoisting him up for a backdrop, then angling it so the challenger lands face first on the steel steps. Blood spurts out of Sniperâs nose like a faucet. Sniper tries to roll away, but Sainovic grabs the back of his head â smashing it repeatedly into the hard edge of the step. At the same time, Sainovic gets as many stomps in on the left leg as possible. As both men bleed heavily now- Zoran rolls back into the ring.
Tom Phillips: Because itâs a boot camp match, there is no need to worry about count outs, but Zoran trying to get the action back in the ring.
Magnus: He wants Sniper to follow him; with that busted arm heâd have a hard time carrying Johnny back in himself-
No sooner does Zoran crawl into the centre of the ring then-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#THUD#
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
The crowd pop HARD, as Johnny Sniper throws a rung of the steel steps over the top rope, it lands in the ring â falling on top of Zoran, and specifically landing on his pulped arm. A string of obscenities follow in Serbian. Zoran struggles to move the steps off with his one arm, without putting their weight on his injured one, while Johnny now has a visible limp.
Tom Phillips: Steps now in the ring-
Magnus: Well itâs a boot camp match, itâs about time we had some plunder. I donât know who the hell Zoran think heâs fooling with his lack of knives.
#THUD#
Tom Phillips: Zoran finally getting the steps off-
#THUD#
Tom Phillips: Only for Johnny to slam them back down, using them to pin the champion-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR-foot in the ropes.
Lifting the steps up, Sniper brings them #THUD# SMASHING down again onto Zoranâs midsection, mostly hitting his sling. Sniper then reaches down grab the sling, only for Zoran to snatch his outstretched arm, and pull him into a small package. #THUD# INTO the steel...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
T-fistful of ropes.
Both men start crawling back up to their feet, when Sniper fires off a shining wizard with his right boot. The kick catches Zoran on the chin, sending him CRASHING back into the steps. #THUD# Before Zoran can react; Sniper follows it up with a rolling senton.
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO-kickout.
Reaching down, Sniper starts to scoop Zoran up â only to get pulled into a triangle choke.
Tom Phillips: SAINOVIC WITH A TRIANGLE CHOKE!
Magnus: Damn it.
Tom Phillips: Both men are known brawlers, but when it comes to submissions â thatâs where Zoran has a serious edge.
Magnus: Luke Langley asking Sniper if he submits â Sniper turning blue, but I donât think weâre going to hear it.
Tom Phillips: On this stage, with THIS crowd? Sniper would die before throwing in the towel!
Magnus: But if he blacks out? Langley wouldnât have a choice.
#THUD#
Tom Phillips: Sniper trying to break the hold by getting Sainovic in the air and DROPPING him on those steel steps-
#THUD#
Magnus: Itâs like music to my ears-
#THUD#
Tom Phillips: But Sainovic showing no signs of letting go-
#THUD#
Magnus: Four times a charm!
Tom Phillips: Zoran finally relents, and Sniper now on the canvas desperately trying to catch his breathes. Wait, Zoran with the one arm â pulling him into a makeshift- KNEEBREAKER INTO THE OVERTURNED STEPS!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
T-shoulder up!
Dragging Sniper back up to his feet, Sainovic fires him into the corner â setting up a Scorpion kick. The limp with which Sniper staggers across the ring throws off the timing though, and the veteran is able to come out with a shotgun dropkick! The crowd pop HARD.
Tom Phillips: LOCK âN LOAD! This could be it-
An exhausted Sniper starts to reach down for Zoran, only to have Sainovic try to kick him off from a prone position. Kneeling on the kicking legs, a crouched Sniper his a HEART PUNCH â only Sainovic would welcome the heart attack, as his left forearm currently covers the spot. Hitting the canvas hard, Sainovic goes into some Apollo Creed death spasms.
Magnus: I donât even care that J-ROK is getting the crown! Let âem choke on it! Good riddance!
Tom Phillips: Sniper limping a few steps back, what is he doing-
Magnus: Waiting for Sainovic to slowly rise- this can only be-
The crowd are electric as Johnny Sniper charges as best he can for the-
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Tom Phillips: KILLSHOT!!!!!!!!!!
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Magnus: Damn it.
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Tom Phillips: Zoran with that helmet-
Grabbing the early enhanced combat helmet, Sainovic smashes it into Sniperâs incoming leg â then manages to shove it behind his kneecap, before twisting the leg around into a half-Boston. The helmet wedged against the leg as a further counterweight to pull against, Zoran goes to town.
Tom Phillips: Sainovic with a weapon assisted half-Boston, looks like he could pop Sniperâs kneecap completely out of joint if he doesnât submit.
Magnus: But Sniper is never going to submit, and even if he reaches the ropes, that sadistic bastard doesnât have to let go.
The veteran flails around, his face covered in blood. Luke Langley asks for the submission, but Sniper desperately waves him off. Finally reaching back enough to slap the arm. Zoran grits his teeth but holds on. Another slap. Now more of a fist. Trying to contort his hip, Sniper reaches back â getting hold of something, and pulls with all his strength. A few of the bolts shoot off of Zoranâs brace, as the sling is tugged hard.
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Tom Phillips: JOHNNY SNIPER WITH A FISTFUL OF SLING, SOMEHOW MANAGES TO FORCE THE BREAK!
Magnus: Somehow? He damn near ripped Zoranâs arm out of the socket.
Both men fall to the canvas; Zoran favours his arm, trying to reposition it in the sling. Unable to move his leg, Johnny grabs the broken helmet and smashes it across the back of Zoranâs head. Crawling with on knee, Sniper gets behind the champion-
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Tom Phillips: Sniper from behind pulls the SLING away from Zoranâs arm, letting the damaged arm fall limply the side â and â
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Magnus: THATâS THE SPIRIT!
Tom Phillips: Sniper from behind using the sling to choke Zoran out!
Magnus: With these rules, there is NO WAY Zoran has an escape!
The crowd are on the edge of their seats as Zoran fades fast. With only one arm to defend himself, there is no way to remove the sling that digs into his throat. He tries desperately to kick off, but with Sniperâs leg grounded, the two are basically stuck in a seated position. As the struggle continues, the attempt become lesser, and lesser- until it looks like Zoran is resigned to his fate-
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Then he gets a foot on the dislodged steel steps, and manages to get his feet higher up in the air. Using them to walk almost vertically into a flip-
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Magnus: FU-
Tom Phillips: SEATED INTO BICYCLE KNEESTRIKE!
Catching Sniperâs temple with his knee, the force is enough for the sling to go slack. As Sniper falls backwards, Zoran manages to turn for the cover-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The left leg is impossibly close to the ropes, but doesnât have the ability to get into them.
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DING! DING! DING!
A hush falls over the crowd.
Stella Starr: The winner of this match, and STILL X*Crown CHAMPION,
ZORAN SAINOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The two men lie dead on the canvas.
After the initial disappointment that one of their own didnât win passes, the crowd begin to clap. This applause seems to rouse the competitors from their corpselike state.
Magnus: I donât care for this at all.
Tom Phillips: Cheer up Magnus, thereâs always next time. At our Pregiving, Thanksgiving, Black Friday, or Cyber Monday show. Have we set a date?
Magnus: I have to consult with my lawyers to see which one I didnât lose to Fury...
Using his right hand to climb the ropes, Zoran Sainovic fights up to his feet. Noticing just how rough Sniperâs left leg it, the X*Crown champion staggers over â and reaches down, offering his hand. Taking it, Sniper gets back up on his right leg. The grasp then shifts into a handshake. For all the blood spilt, a respect. At this show of sportsmanship, the crowd burst into a âGUNSâ chant. With his working arm, Zoran points to Johnny Sniper letting his peers hoot and holler their appreciation for an epic performance.
Magnus: I think Iâm going to be sick.
Tom Phillips: For my colleagues, Magnus, Tom Berenger, and all the XHF superstars that came out to show their support â thank you for joining us. Once again GUNS wishing a pleasant holiday to all our veterans.
The final image is of Sainovic and Sniper standing in the ring, before fading to black.