Post by Dave D-Flipz on Nov 12, 2022 23:43:48 GMT -5
PART 1: FESTIVITIES
“DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INCORPORATED!!”
*We open our scene on the lovely home of the Angry Mad Chemists racing squadron. They are fresh off of defeating an eldritch clone of Dr. Doof and his pet wingaling dragon. And have been partying for a month including shooting Sonic the Hedgehog out of a cannon off a volcano into the ocean … and not picking him up again later. Agent P and Sonic have gone back to their duties of disrupting the evil schemes of the baddies. But this is a celebratory month as well. And the team is giving thanks the only way they know how … by doing the same thing they usually do. Hijinks.*
Ovi: I’m not going to lie, I’m actually excited our trophy garden survived the eldritch horrors! And we get to celebrate a victory of sorts with it.
Ian: The uh, harvest, should be amazing. What did we end up planting?
Billy: I threw down some berries, some corn, some sunflowers, some tomatoes, and to up the evil quotient, some tobacco!
*Ovi stops … he looks at the crops. Something is … wrong … Phroooaggh walks into frame and as he does the sunflowers all turn and begin to holler at him.*
Flowers: HEY! You best cross the street boy! We don’t need to skinless freaks around here! Go back to Canada where you came from!
Phroooaggh: … Uh … I think we somehow grew racist sunflowers, there aren’t any seeds to roast either.
Ovi: This seems familiar …
Ian: Racist … sunflowers? Now if that isn’t the very idea of chaos incarnate … well … then those berries are …
Berries: Hey you scientists ‘member when you used to actually win races? Yeah we ‘member. Hey you ‘member when we never got an answer for who the aliens were chasing that speed racer team? Or that one time there were turtles? Oh yeah we ‘member.
Billy: How nostalgic. Well at least the corn is … OH MY GOD!
*The corn has launched out of their husks and has pinned Dr. Doof to the wall of his own building.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: GENTLEMEN! BEHOLD! … CORN! Come save me please, I never imagined I would go out to evil maize. It’s almost like being back in Gimmelshtump!
Ovi: I swear I’ve seen these crops before …
Ian: These tomatoes taste like grandma …. But I uh, want more!
Phroooaggh: The tobacoo crossbred with the tomatoes? Hmm I bet we could sell these and make a mint!
*Phroooaggh and Ian cannot stop eating the brown, disgusting tomatoes.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Where did you get the fertilizer for our garden, William?
Billy: I got it as a trial run! It’s Bad Horse Manure!
*From out of nowhere springs the Bad Horse Chorus, four men dressed as cowboys but … also pirates in honor of the race this month.*
Bad Horse Chorus: Bad Horse, Manure, Bad Horse, Manure!
He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin.
He found another way to release the evil within!
It needs evaluation so lay your seeds on in.
It’s evil poop, to grow your plants, it also can repel the ants.
Bad Horse, Manure, Bad Horse, it’s crap!
The Evil League of Evil is sort of going green.
The plants this stuff can grow are crazier than Charlie Sheen!
So spread it on your gardens and make your thumbs all green.
For evil plants, you know the source, buy my manure! Signed, Bad Horse!
*They dart out of screen to the pocket dimension in which they live.*
Ovi: I REMEMBER NOW!
Berries: Oh yeah, we totally ‘member.
Ovi: Shut it down! Shut it all down! I will not play a part in this mockery. Every one of these things we grew are from some other piece of pop culture. It’s COPIED evil! We are above that! Everyone back inside, let’s plot to win this pirate race! Let’s go!
*He tosses the crops into the woodchipper (the author would like to note these plants are all cut away gags and not sentient creatures). Everyone sighs and groans as they head inside to dress like pirates and prep the Chemistruckinator.*
PART 2: THE NEW MOUSE-SPONSORED HOTNESS
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: YAAAARRRRR! So how do we win this race? Maties?
Ovi: I can’t believe we are doing this. Why am I dressed as Anne Bonney?
Ian: You had the most buxom top. And her moustache. Ummmarrrrrr.
Billy: We KEELHAUL the entire lot of them! In a CAR-safe way … so maybe we just avoid the cannons and get our hands on the booty! Which better also include my piece of eight … the GOLDEN BOOB!
Phroooaggh: This new team has been unstoppable. And they are sponsored by the House of Mouse. And this race is partially inspired by said house. I smell a conspiracy!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Oh I LOVE conspiracies! But don’t worry too much, my face appears on TWO shows on the Disney+ so I’m betting overlord Mickey can be coerced into loving US as well. DO you have any idea how popular Phineas and Ferb still is?
Billy: How popular what is?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: GAAAAARRRRR! Stop disrespecting me! Why don’t we try and play nice with the new hotness, and parlay ourselves to the front with his help, then BACKSTAB HIM IN THE END AND TAKE THE TREASURE CHEST!
Billy: Hmm … you want us to get Marty Donovan to not hate us, and to get Disney to look the other way while we win. I mean … we’ve done dumber things …
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: GO! Plant the indoctrinator at their home base! And might as well have one just placed in Disney World just to make sure everyone is subtly nudged to loving the AMC and rooting for our success!
PART 3: THE LETTER
Billy: Hey guys, while I was out planting the new indoctinator at the new teams base, I saw we had a letter!
Ian: Wait, like … actual paper snail mail? That’s uh, chaotic evil right there.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Who even does that anymore. It’s so passe! … Let me see it.
*Doof opens the letter and reads it aloud (note the letter is NOT MY WORK AND IS JUST PUT HERE FOR CONTEXT FOR ANY READERS WHO SKIP MONGO’S WORK! This does not count as my own stuff to be judged nor does it count toward word count!)
Dear Angry Mad Chemists,
First of all, your name is really stupid and gets confusing when I’m looking over the stock market. Did you know that there’s already an AMC listed? Look how terrible you are, you can’t even do your name in an original way. But I digress; I am sending you this letter to inform you that you ARE BEING BLACKMAILED! That’s right! I, Lord Dominicus, and the Bad to the Bone Racing squad have dug up REALLY BAD DIRT on you and are now threatening to release that dirt to everyone else.
But perhaps you’d like to keep your secrets just that, hmm? Maybe you’d rather we not EXPOSE THE TRUTH TO THE MASSES, yes? How can such an outcome be avoided? It’s actually quite simple: Throw the race. That’s all you need to do, just throw the race. Don’t win. Ever. Well, at least until the Sippy Cup finishes. See, we’re not cruel; you don’t need to lose EVERY race, just all the upcoming ones.
Anyway, I’m getting off track. That’s the deal. We have dirt, well, it’s your dirt technically, but we’re going to reveal your horrible secrets to THE ENTIRE WORLD if you win any of the Sippy Cup races. Also you will come under the wrath of my FURIOUS COCK OF VIOLENCE! Ah yes, I know you fear my cock! Everyone fears my cock! The mere sight of my cock makes people faint!
Yes! So either lose or face BLACKMAIL and MY FURIOUS COCK OF VIOLENCE! I can assure you that tangling with my cock will result in nothing fun for you! How does it feel right now knowing that I’m sitting here rubbing my cock while thinking about your team, Angry Mad Chemists? My cock is standing at attention, just waiting to be ordered to penetrate your team and cause mayhem!
Sorry for that delay, where was I? Ah yes, so Angry Mad Chemists you have no choice but to acquiesce to my demands or you risk facing the wrath of my blackmail being inserted into your lives and also some PAINFUL PECKING from my FURIOUS COCK OF VIOLENCE! I will hold you down and let my cock do whatever it wants, I wi-
Yeah you heard what Dinosaur Bones said about you! Blackmail. Cock. Throw the race. Get bent, AMC.
Yours Evilly,
Bad to the Bone Racing
First of all, your name is really stupid and gets confusing when I’m looking over the stock market. Did you know that there’s already an AMC listed? Look how terrible you are, you can’t even do your name in an original way. But I digress; I am sending you this letter to inform you that you ARE BEING BLACKMAILED! That’s right! I, Lord Dominicus, and the Bad to the Bone Racing squad have dug up REALLY BAD DIRT on you and are now threatening to release that dirt to everyone else.
But perhaps you’d like to keep your secrets just that, hmm? Maybe you’d rather we not EXPOSE THE TRUTH TO THE MASSES, yes? How can such an outcome be avoided? It’s actually quite simple: Throw the race. That’s all you need to do, just throw the race. Don’t win. Ever. Well, at least until the Sippy Cup finishes. See, we’re not cruel; you don’t need to lose EVERY race, just all the upcoming ones.
Anyway, I’m getting off track. That’s the deal. We have dirt, well, it’s your dirt technically, but we’re going to reveal your horrible secrets to THE ENTIRE WORLD if you win any of the Sippy Cup races. Also you will come under the wrath of my FURIOUS COCK OF VIOLENCE! Ah yes, I know you fear my cock! Everyone fears my cock! The mere sight of my cock makes people faint!
Yes! So either lose or face BLACKMAIL and MY FURIOUS COCK OF VIOLENCE! I can assure you that tangling with my cock will result in nothing fun for you! How does it feel right now knowing that I’m sitting here rubbing my cock while thinking about your team, Angry Mad Chemists? My cock is standing at attention, just waiting to be ordered to penetrate your team and cause mayhem!
Sorry for that delay, where was I? Ah yes, so Angry Mad Chemists you have no choice but to acquiesce to my demands or you risk facing the wrath of my blackmail being inserted into your lives and also some PAINFUL PECKING from my FURIOUS COCK OF VIOLENCE! I will hold you down and let my cock do whatever it wants, I wi-
Yeah you heard what Dinosaur Bones said about you! Blackmail. Cock. Throw the race. Get bent, AMC.
Yours Evilly,
Bad to the Bone Racing
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I don’t … what’s with this format towards the end? Am I missing something?
*Ovi takes the letter, puts on some reading glasses and chuckles.*
Ovi: Oh, apparently they had a side conversation and that Dominicus chap is too dumb to realize we can’t hear them until their secret plans are broadcast on the XHF Network … *He glances at the camera*
Ian: If I had to uh, throw out an um, idea as to what they were doing? They think we’re dumb.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: What? But … we all have Ph.D’s. EVEN ME! Not Phroooaggh.
Phroooaggh: Hey I studied at *indecipherable old one language* Polytechnic!
*Doof reaches up to pull off his glasses in shock but he isn’t wearing them so he pulls off Ovi’s instead and puts the earpiece in his mouth.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Well, what do you know? We should make you an honorary degree to hang on the wall next to ours then.
Phroooaggh: How meaningless … *single tear rolls down his cheek* Why … Why am I strangely sentimental and happy about this? It’s the equivalent of you putting my artwork on the fridge.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I see no macaroni …
*Billy takes the letter*
Billy: Either he is bragging about his golden jockstraps, of which we DO have one, or he bought a chicken. There was a PETA guy in their place last month. I’m pretty sure we can handle chickens.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: … No fedoras on that chicken, I hope. I’d hate for them to have Agent C, Cockie the Cock!
Billy: Is it more dumb of us to know these things? Or would we be dumb to not know these things, ya know like logic would dictate? Cuz I mean, Dominicus seems dumb.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I mean, you all couldn’t see through his dinosaur’s disguise, but I did.
Billy: … Agent P?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: WHERE!?
*They all sigh and look at the camera for a minute … sure seems like everyone on all sides comes out of this looking dumb if you ask me.*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: I’m sacking the narrator and hiring John Cleese… Well the obvious thing to do is to turn the indoctrinator in their lair back on. Let’s see how they try and blackmail us when they LOVE us so much! Also I want to know what side effect hits the dinosaur. Maybe it gets skin, or loses its appetite.
Billy: What could they possibly have on us? Everyone KNOWS we’re evil. I mean we actually replaced the actual AMC stock he’s so confused about and now any investment in them is money to us. And that stock is booming. And if it craters, it hurts the actual company! Like, we’re OUTWARDLY evil. I’m a member of the evil league of evil, after all.
*They all go back to pondering as Doof pushes a button turning the indoctrinator on against the BttB crew as well as the Reedy Creek Crew and ALL OF DISNEY WORLD! Soon they will all find the AMC to be such likable fellows who really deserve to win. What nice chaps!*
PART 4: THE QUESTIONS!
1. What are the cannons firing?
Billy: Those don’t look like cannonballs.
Ian: I believe the scientific name is … balls of tardigrades.
2. Do those skeletons remind you of anyone?
Ian: Oh, look, uh more relatives of that Dinosaur Bones chap. Let’s alert Hammond’s family for copyright infringement
3. How is the chest decorated?
Billy: GOLDEN BOOOOOOOB! I WILL HAVE THE GOLDEN BOOOOOOOOB!
4. How will your team respond to winning?
Ovi: We fear no repercussions, they can do their worst, for WE are the best!
5. How will your team respond to not winning?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: …If anyone asks we threw that on purpose. Now arrest those evil Bone fellows for blackmail!
